Ari Shaffir Paid Regular 2015

Chicago

Watch Ari Shaffir Paid Regular 2015 - Chicago on Dailymotion

Transcript

00:00:17I'm gonna need this out of love

00:00:22I'm gonna need this in love

00:00:57I'm gonna need this in love

00:00:59Jeffy, thank you, that's enough

00:01:02Alright, Jeffy, I'm starting now

00:01:05Thank you, alright, thank you

00:01:07No, that's not part of a song, please stop that

00:01:11No, that song is done

00:01:17How are you guys, you alright?

00:01:19Thank you for coming to my special, I really appreciate it

00:01:22It's beautiful in Los Angeles, you guys

00:01:24We live in paradise

00:01:28I moved to New York last year, it's gross

00:01:29Every day of the year

00:01:33Yeah, but I like it warm

00:01:34I like doing outside shit

00:01:36God, some people like, we ask them what their favorite season is

00:01:38They're like winter, I'm like, you're an idiot

00:01:41I like going to outside concerts

00:01:43I like going fishing sometimes

00:01:45Camping, anybody ever go camping?

00:01:47It's funny shit, I just gotta do it the last few years

00:01:50It's so much fun

00:01:50The only problem with camping is they never really tell you the real experience

00:01:53Like in the movies and stuff

00:01:55It's never like

00:01:56The movies they always tell you

00:01:57It's gonna be you, all alone in nature

00:01:59Won't that be great?

00:02:00Just you, all alone in the woods

00:02:01You're like, yeah, that would be great

00:02:02It's never that

00:02:04It's you in a tent

00:02:05And you're nine feet away from another tent

00:02:09And I don't know about you guys

00:02:10But that close, next to a single father

00:02:12Trying to reconnect with his son

00:02:18It's not the best place to do mushrooms

00:02:19Right over here

00:02:23Makes it very uncomfortable

00:02:24I'm assuming that's why everybody goes camping, right?

00:02:26Are we all on the same page?

00:02:28There's no other reason to be out there

00:02:29If you're not on mushrooms

00:02:31It's just dirty otherwise

00:02:32Don't go there

00:02:34It's so, so dirty

00:02:37Stay inside where there's less dirt

00:02:40But I guess if you're on mushrooms

00:02:41The dirt goes away or something

00:02:42I don't know how the science exactly

00:02:44But I was on it once

00:02:46I was with my friends

00:02:47We were camping on mushrooms

00:02:48And I wandered away from my group for a while

00:02:51Because this deer came

00:02:52He looked at me weird

00:02:54It was like he had an attitude about it

00:02:56You could tell

00:02:56He thought he was better than us

00:02:57So I was like, whatever, deer, fine

00:02:59You take it

00:03:00And I left

00:03:01And as I walked away

00:03:02I came across this fork in the path

00:03:04It went two different directions

00:03:05On the left-hand side

00:03:06There's this really wide path

00:03:07On the right-hand side

00:03:09There's this really narrow path

00:03:10And I was like, huh

00:03:10And I couldn't decide which way to go

00:03:12And while I was deciding

00:03:13All of a sudden

00:03:14Out of nowhere

00:03:14I just

00:03:15I remembered that

00:03:16That Robert Frost poem

00:03:18From high school

00:03:19Do you guys remember that?

00:03:21Two roads diverged into wood

00:03:23And I took the road less traveled

00:03:25And I'm like, dude

00:03:26I'm in a wood right now

00:03:28And there's two roads

00:03:29I'm doing this shit

00:03:30It's been 20 years

00:03:31Time to do it

00:03:33And so I saw the narrow path

00:03:34The road less traveled

00:03:35And so I went that way

00:03:36And it turns out

00:03:37It's horrible advice

00:03:41The road less traveled

00:03:42Is full of thorns

00:03:43First of all

00:03:45It goes inside a creek

00:03:46For like 15 feet

00:03:47For no reason

00:03:48And then it just ends

00:03:49In the middle of the woods

00:03:50And you get lost

00:03:53Always take the road

00:03:53And more travel

00:03:55It's a way better road

00:03:57That's why more people

00:03:58Travel on it

00:04:01Robert Frost is a fucking idiot

00:04:04You should trust most of the people

00:04:06That came before you

00:04:08That's how Yelp works

00:04:11Are you better than Yelp, Robert Frost?

00:04:13Are you like

00:04:14I'm gonna go to the restaurant

00:04:15With only one star

00:04:16Because I march to the beat

00:04:17Of my own drummer

00:04:18Like

00:04:20You march to the bathroom

00:04:21With diarrhea

00:04:23Always go to the five star place

00:04:25If the money's the same

00:04:25Always go to the five star place

00:04:27Over the one star place

00:04:28Unless it's only got one review

00:04:30Yeah, then you can't trust it

00:04:33Those are my favorite

00:04:34Where they're like

00:04:34Ooh, look at this

00:04:35Oh, wait a minute

00:04:36I always read that review

00:04:38It's always like

00:04:38My son is a good cook

00:04:43Bias journalism

00:04:45It works that way

00:04:46With the ratings for Yelp

00:04:48And for porn videos

00:04:52You ever get like

00:04:53Ooh, four out of five stars

00:04:54Don't mind if I do

00:04:59And then you're like

00:05:00Oh, wait

00:05:00No

00:05:01Five ratings

00:05:02Not enough

00:05:03I can't trust it

00:05:05I'll wait till there's

00:05:05A thousand ratings

00:05:07And then walk on the path

00:05:08They've paid before me

00:05:12In whatever

00:05:13In jism, I guess

00:05:14Or whatever

00:05:15Jism?

00:05:16No, jizz

00:05:17No, neither one of those

00:05:18Is the right word

00:05:21Jism

00:05:23Does anybody still say

00:05:24Jism anymore?

00:05:25No way, right?

00:05:26It's fucking creepy now

00:05:29Jism

00:05:30What would you do

00:05:31If like

00:05:32If you're

00:05:33Whatever

00:05:33Whoever that guy

00:05:34Is sitting with you

00:05:35If you guys were like

00:05:36Doing it

00:05:37And he was like

00:05:37I'm gonna jism on your belly

00:05:41Would you be like

00:05:41What?

00:05:42What are you

00:05:43What are you gonna do

00:05:44Like not on your belly

00:05:45Like no, no, no

00:05:46I heard where

00:05:48Give me the verb

00:05:48What was the verb you used

00:05:53Jism

00:05:53That's how he talked

00:05:54In the olden days

00:05:55In the Lord of the Rings days

00:05:56That's how they used to talk

00:05:59But they'd be all real

00:05:59They'd be like

00:06:00Milady

00:06:04They'd be real

00:06:05They'd be like

00:06:05Milady

00:06:06I'm about to jism

00:06:07Upon thine belly

00:06:12But they'd be about to come

00:06:13So they'd be like

00:06:13Milady

00:06:15Milady

00:06:19It's a true story

00:06:20Look at Lord of the Rings 2

00:06:21The director's cut

00:06:21It's in there

00:06:22That's all a real thing

00:06:27You gotta wait for them

00:06:28To be rated high enough

00:06:29There's enough in there

00:06:31Go by

00:06:31What do they do

00:06:32In the old days

00:06:33In the dark days of porn

00:06:352007

00:06:37Can you imagine

00:06:38Living in those times

00:06:40You better just look

00:06:40At the picture

00:06:41And be like

00:06:41Alright

00:06:41I'll trust it

00:06:45It's crazy

00:06:46How the other generation

00:06:47Needs to live

00:06:48No

00:06:49Now we have a whole

00:06:50Rating system set up

00:06:51We can use that

00:06:52For our benefit

00:06:53Robert Frost wouldn't

00:06:54He'd be jerking off

00:06:54To one star porn

00:06:56Like oh

00:06:57It's someone having lunch

00:06:58Alright

00:06:59Well I've committed to it

00:07:02Blaze my own path

00:07:08Here's my question

00:07:09Who's rating porn videos?

00:07:14Like who's finished

00:07:15With that act

00:07:16And then instead of

00:07:18Immediately leaving the scene

00:07:22In disgust

00:07:23At your midday decision

00:07:26Who's returning

00:07:27To the scene of the crime

00:07:28Like a fucking arsonist

00:07:30For what?

00:07:31Why?

00:07:32And you're like

00:07:32No

00:07:32I care about my community

00:07:36And I want others to know

00:07:37That Becky does

00:07:39Like it hard

00:07:43Why would you do this?

00:07:45It's not even that simple

00:07:45A lot of times

00:07:46You gotta register

00:07:46A profile first

00:07:48Do you know how detailed

00:07:49The process that is

00:07:50Just to give your opinion

00:07:52On co-ed naked anal?

00:07:55Like I didn't care

00:07:56For the anal at all

00:07:57It was just barely any of it

00:08:01That means you gotta

00:08:01Give them an email address

00:08:03To a porn site

00:08:05And just trust

00:08:06That they're gonna be

00:08:07Cool with it

00:08:08And then wait for them

00:08:09To email you

00:08:10A verification code

00:08:11Which you take

00:08:12And go back into the system

00:08:13Start up a whole profile

00:08:14And you'll be like

00:08:15Yeah, yeah, absolutely

00:08:15Redheads

00:08:16Yep, I'm into it

00:08:17Why would anybody do that?

00:08:21Here's why I do it

00:08:26I just know what I know

00:08:29It's cause it keeps track

00:08:30Of all the videos

00:08:31That you liked

00:08:31It keeps a record

00:08:32Of all that

00:08:33That you can access

00:08:35So at the end of the year

00:08:36When Chanukah comes around

00:08:40My gift to myself

00:08:42Is I have a best of week

00:08:48I go back and visit

00:08:49All the girls

00:08:49That got me through the year

00:08:50You know

00:08:52It's like a greatest hits

00:08:56You guys

00:08:57I'm gonna give you

00:08:57A fun prank

00:08:58You guys can all play

00:08:59On each other

00:08:59Right now

00:09:00Here it is

00:09:01You have to play

00:09:01With homeless people

00:09:03But what else

00:09:04Are you gonna do with them?

00:09:04Let them into your hearts

00:09:05I don't see that happening

00:09:08So here it is

00:09:09When you're with somebody

00:09:10You like

00:09:10Are you guys dating

00:09:11Or anything?

00:09:13No, not at all

00:09:13Just some girl

00:09:14She's next to

00:09:15Your sister

00:09:16Oh, gross, dude

00:09:17You fuck your sister

00:09:21It's disgusting

00:09:24All right

00:09:25It works for your sister too

00:09:25If you care about somebody

00:09:26You care about her?

00:09:27I guess

00:09:27If you brought her to this thing

00:09:28Yeah, man

00:09:29Get that

00:09:33What you gotta do

00:09:35So let's say you're driving

00:09:36She's in the passenger seat

00:09:37You know how homeless people

00:09:38Come in between the lanes

00:09:39And look for charity

00:09:40From cars

00:09:41So here's what you do

00:09:42When the homeless guy

00:09:43Gets right up towards

00:09:44The passenger side window

00:09:46You hit her

00:09:47With a roll down

00:09:48On that window

00:09:51And then watch the sparks fly

00:09:54It's a 100% win

00:09:56Every single time

00:09:59Because neither one of them

00:10:00Expects to hear

00:10:01The window sound

00:10:03The homeless guy

00:10:04Or your sister

00:10:05It's just like a

00:10:06You just all of a sudden

00:10:08And the homeless guy's like

00:10:09What?

00:10:10Yeah

00:10:10Sounds like a sale

00:10:11And he'll

00:10:12He'll lean forward

00:10:13And then watch her

00:10:14Just panic

00:10:16Watch her not handle

00:10:18The pressure

00:10:20He'll be like

00:10:20Yeah

00:10:21What the

00:10:21Ah!

00:10:23The homeless guy right there

00:10:25They'll be like

00:10:25No, I'm so sorry

00:10:26There's no money for you here

00:10:28I'm so, so sorry

00:10:29There's been a horrible

00:10:29Misunderstanding

00:10:30There's no money for you here

00:10:31Oh my God

00:10:32You smell so much worse

00:10:33Than I thought you'd smell

00:10:34And I thought you'd smell terrible

00:10:36There's no money for you

00:10:37Let go of the button, please

00:10:38Let go of the button

00:10:39It's not funny anymore

00:10:41He's playing a joke on us

00:10:42Go away

00:10:46You guys can all do that

00:10:47You don't have to give me credit

00:10:48For the betterment of humanity

00:10:49I just want that out there

00:10:55Do you guys watch the show

00:10:56Walking Dead?

00:10:58I like it

00:10:59It's realistic

00:11:00That's what I like about it

00:11:03Not the zombies

00:11:04Whatever

00:11:04But I mean

00:11:05The way they handle zombies

00:11:06Because in every other zombie show

00:11:07Or zombie movie

00:11:08They always do this scene

00:11:09That I fucking hate

00:11:11You know how you'll see somebody

00:11:13And they've been turned

00:11:14You know

00:11:14Something you knew from before

00:11:16Like your next door neighbor

00:11:16Or your wife or something

00:11:17And then they're coming up

00:11:19With their zombie version

00:11:19They always do this

00:11:20And I fucking hate

00:11:21Where they come out

00:11:22And they're like

00:11:22Margaret

00:11:24I know you're in there

00:11:27I know a party

00:11:27Is still human

00:11:28You gotta fight it Margaret

00:11:29It's just

00:11:30It's dumb

00:11:31If you're a zombie

00:11:31You're a zombie

00:11:32That's the end of it

00:11:34And plus

00:11:35Here's the deal

00:11:35I don't have a wife

00:11:38So if I was a zombie

00:11:39What would my last piece

00:11:39Of humanity be?

00:11:41I think my last piece

00:11:42Of humanity

00:11:42Is that I'm a comedian

00:11:43And so it would result in me

00:11:45Like just eating people

00:11:47Dick first

00:11:52I think that's the way

00:11:53I'd express my creativity

00:11:56In an apocalypse

00:11:57You know

00:11:59I'd be like

00:12:01And then you'd be up

00:12:02Against the wall

00:12:02You'd be like

00:12:02Oh no

00:12:03And I'd be like

00:12:05And then I'd

00:12:06I'd unzip your pants

00:12:09Just to watch you

00:12:10Struggle to understand

00:12:11What's happening

00:12:13Just be like

00:12:14Wait

00:12:19Wait

00:12:20What do zombies do?

00:12:24And then I would bend over

00:12:25And like slowly pull it out

00:12:26And like wipe it off

00:12:27And like

00:12:29And then your friends

00:12:30Would come running in

00:12:30To help you

00:12:31And you'd be like

00:12:31No no no

00:12:31Leave him alone

00:12:34Let's see where he goes

00:12:35With this

00:12:37I haven't met all the zombies

00:12:38Maybe this one's cool

00:12:41Maybe this one's really

00:12:42Really cool

00:12:44And then I would like

00:12:46I would eat your dick

00:12:47I'm a fucking zombie man

00:12:49I'm gonna eat your whole body

00:12:51Eventually

00:12:51That's going to happen

00:12:53But nobody said

00:12:54I can't start with dessert

00:12:59That's not a rule

00:13:03You guys

00:13:03True or false

00:13:04If you were a zombie

00:13:05The dick and balls

00:13:06Would be the best part

00:13:06Of the human

00:13:08True

00:13:08True is the right answer

00:13:09Yes absolutely

00:13:09You got it right

00:13:11It'd be the delicacy

00:13:11You guys

00:13:12It would

00:13:13Like if you were

00:13:14A father zombie

00:13:15You'd be like

00:13:16Hey

00:13:16I get the dick and balls

00:13:21When you kids

00:13:21Are old enough

00:13:22To put humans

00:13:22In this table

00:13:23Then you can have

00:13:23The dick and balls

00:13:24But until then

00:13:25I worked very hard

00:13:26Alright whatever

00:13:29But I'm telling you

00:13:30It'd be refreshing

00:13:31That's the thing

00:13:31Like when the balls

00:13:32When they popped

00:13:33In your mouth

00:13:34No don't say

00:13:35Ew you're thinking

00:13:36Like a human

00:13:36You can't think like that

00:13:38You're a different

00:13:39Species now

00:13:40You'll never survive

00:13:41In this world

00:13:44It'd be very refreshing

00:13:45It'd be like that gum

00:13:46That has the juice

00:13:47On the inside

00:13:49You know

00:13:49That you're not expecting

00:13:50You're like

00:13:50What's that

00:13:51Oh wintergreen

00:13:55True story

00:13:57True story

00:13:58Yeah

00:14:01Hey um

00:14:02Do you guys

00:14:03How many people

00:14:03Up here by round of applause

00:14:04Ever do do mushrooms

00:14:07Oh wow

00:14:07A bunch of you

00:14:08That's cool

00:14:09How many people

00:14:10Do not do it

00:14:11Or acid

00:14:11Or any sort of psychedelic

00:14:13A few

00:14:14Fucking my crowd

00:14:15I love it

00:14:16Yeah

00:14:17They're all hippies

00:14:19They're the greatest

00:14:20I've heard a couple of people

00:14:21Like give reasons

00:14:22Why they shouldn't take mushrooms

00:14:23Or any sort of psychedelic

00:14:24There's two reasons

00:14:25I've ever been given

00:14:25For mushrooms

00:14:26Well three

00:14:27Jesus is one

00:14:29You're not gonna argue with that

00:14:30Like if he's in your life

00:14:31Fucking do what you want

00:14:32I guess

00:14:33But

00:14:35The other one I've heard

00:14:36Is

00:14:37They're afraid

00:14:38The taste of the mushrooms

00:14:39Will be too bad

00:14:40It'll taste too bad

00:14:41And I'm here to tell you

00:14:42That's 12 seconds

00:14:43Of the nine hours

00:14:46You should not let that

00:14:47Affect your decision at all

00:14:51And then the other reason

00:14:52I've heard

00:14:52Is people go

00:14:53Well I'm scared

00:14:54I'm scared

00:14:54Something bad's gonna happen to me

00:14:55You know

00:14:56I'm gonna freak out

00:14:57And I'm here to tell you

00:14:58Nothing bad will happen to you

00:14:59The universe will look out for you

00:15:02Like I'm not talking about God

00:15:03Or anything

00:15:03I'm just saying the universe

00:15:04Has a way of protecting

00:15:05Everybody that's on mushrooms

00:15:06So nothing ever bad

00:15:07Ever happened

00:15:08Alright once every ten years

00:15:10Somebody tries to hug a bus

00:15:12Or something

00:15:12But

00:15:15Those are outliers

00:15:17Those people just exist

00:15:18To make your trips

00:15:19More exciting

00:15:21Generally just make sure

00:15:22You're okay

00:15:22Like I took them once

00:15:23In San Diego

00:15:23They have this comedy club

00:15:24Comedy store

00:15:25Has a comedy club in San Diego

00:15:26And they put you up at a condo

00:15:27A lot of clubs will do that

00:15:28Instead of a hotel

00:15:29And they're always disgusting

00:15:31They clean them like

00:15:32Every two years or so

00:15:34We always think about

00:15:35Ooh Roseanne fucked here

00:15:36That's what we always say

00:15:37I don't know where my mind

00:15:38Goes straight to that

00:15:39But we assume

00:15:40It hasn't been cleaned since then

00:15:42Ugh Roseanne fucked here

00:15:44Why Roseanne?

00:15:44I don't even know

00:15:45No I do know

00:15:46I know

00:15:47Um

00:15:48So uh

00:15:49I sit there a bunch

00:15:50The location's great

00:15:51That's the cool

00:15:52That's the cool thing

00:15:52It's like you got back porch

00:15:53And then boardwalk beach

00:15:54It's right on

00:15:55NPB

00:15:55It's fucking amazing

00:15:56I've said there a hundred times

00:15:57Nothing's ever been off the back porch before

00:15:59But this one time

00:16:00We're all there taking mushrooms

00:16:01And right off the back porch

00:16:03Was this mother and son

00:16:05And they were selling glow sticks all night

00:16:08And I don't know if you know how to sell glow sticks

00:16:10But this is how you sell glow sticks

00:16:19And we would just go out there

00:16:21And just be like

00:16:21Wow

00:16:24This is amazing

00:16:27Thank you universe

00:16:28And just stare at

00:16:29For like 40 minutes at a time

00:16:31We would just go out there and stare

00:16:32They probably thought they were real close

00:16:33To making a sale

00:16:37They were not

00:16:38We got all we wanted for free

00:16:41I'm telling you

00:16:42It looks out for you

00:16:42I think on any sort of psychedelic drug

00:16:44Because there was these campers

00:16:45That were in California last year

00:16:46Do you guys remember them?

00:16:47They got lost?

00:16:47They found them?

00:16:48Maybe you don't

00:16:49But they got lost for like

00:16:50A few days

00:16:51They didn't mention drugs in the story at all

00:16:53But it was like obvious

00:16:56They asked them

00:16:57When they rescued them all

00:16:58They asked them like

00:16:58Why they wandered off

00:16:59And they go

00:17:00We saw a pretty cloud

00:17:01We wanted to touch

00:17:04Like how was your next question

00:17:05Not what were you on?

00:17:08They found the first girl

00:17:09After a day

00:17:10And uh

00:17:10And she

00:17:11Where'd you go?

00:17:11There you are

00:17:12Uh

00:17:13And her mouth

00:17:14Was so full of dirt

00:17:15From eating dirt

00:17:17She wasn't hugging

00:17:18It had been 17 hours

00:17:19That's how long it was

00:17:20She was fucking shoveling dirt

00:17:21Into her mouth

00:17:22They couldn't even give her water

00:17:23They had to shovel the dirt

00:17:24Out of her mouth

00:17:25Because if she drank water

00:17:26She would have suffocated

00:17:28Uh

00:17:28They found the second guy

00:17:29After two days

00:17:31And he was fine

00:17:32100% naked

00:17:32But fine

00:17:35And then

00:17:35No mention of drugs at all

00:17:36And then the last guy

00:17:37They found him

00:17:38Halfway down a cliff

00:17:39After five days

00:17:41Which

00:17:41Nobody seems to understand

00:17:43What that means

00:17:44That means like

00:17:45That means like

00:17:45If this whole thing

00:17:46Is a cliff

00:17:47That means he was just like

00:17:48Here

00:17:53Where like

00:17:54Even mountain goats

00:17:55Don't go there

00:17:57Birds were flying by

00:17:58And I'm like

00:17:58What the fuck is that?

00:17:59When are they moving here?

00:18:03I asked him how he got there

00:18:05He goes

00:18:05Uh

00:18:07This is his real answer

00:18:08His real answer

00:18:08How he got there

00:18:09He goes

00:18:09I sort of remember

00:18:11Scooting down an embankment

00:18:14I'm like dude

00:18:15And my friends are like

00:18:16See what about those people?

00:18:16They weren't fine

00:18:17I'm like no

00:18:17They were fine

00:18:19Nothing bad happened

00:18:20To any of them

00:18:21Wake up on the side

00:18:22Of the cliff

00:18:22Unhurt

00:18:23Dude

00:18:23I'm telling you

00:18:24The universe will look out for you

00:18:26Don't be scared

00:18:27Well do be scared

00:18:28I guess

00:18:28But that's fine for it

00:18:29How many people like

00:18:30Astid more than mushrooms?

00:18:33Yeah

00:18:33A few of you guys

00:18:33I don't know what you're talking about

00:18:36Astid is so much scarier

00:18:38It's so

00:18:39I'll still do it

00:18:40But it's super frightening

00:18:44I've taken like three times

00:18:45I took him at a UFC one time

00:18:49It was so much fun

00:18:51It was so much

00:18:52Me and two friends

00:18:53One of the friends

00:18:53Didn't want to take it

00:18:54He was like

00:18:54Really?

00:18:55You guys want to take acid

00:18:56At a UFC?

00:18:57In front of 15,000

00:18:59Screaming fans

00:19:00And people punching each other

00:19:01Until they're bloody

00:19:03He was like

00:19:03This sounds like

00:19:04A horrible place

00:19:04To take acid

00:19:06And I was like

00:19:06You sound like

00:19:07A boring person

00:19:08To take acid with

00:19:11Problem solved

00:19:12More acid for us

00:19:14It was so much fun

00:19:16It was so great

00:19:17All the lights

00:19:17Were going out

00:19:18Everything was exciting

00:19:19This guy

00:19:20Anderson Silva

00:19:20Is like the best fighter

00:19:21In the world

00:19:22Probably of all time

00:19:22He kicked this guy

00:19:23In the face

00:19:24And knocked him out

00:19:24Like they were just

00:19:25Standing there

00:19:25Just kicked him in the face

00:19:26Knocked him out

00:19:26Everybody started cheering

00:19:27I just screamed

00:19:28For about four and a half minutes

00:19:32Just full on

00:19:33Like

00:19:40Just unstopping

00:19:45God, it was fun

00:19:47Great experience

00:19:49All the lights

00:19:50Would go down at once

00:19:51And they'd fight

00:19:51It would look so cool

00:19:53And then

00:19:54And then

00:19:54A couple fighters

00:19:55They had for their

00:19:56Interest music

00:19:57They used

00:19:58Black Sabbath

00:19:59Which I was never

00:20:00Really a fan of before

00:20:01But when I heard that

00:20:02I was like

00:20:03Who the fuck is this band

00:20:04It's the greatest band

00:20:05Of all time

00:20:12Yeah

00:20:13Case in point

00:20:13Of the universe

00:20:14Looking out for you

00:20:14At that fight

00:20:15At that UFC fight

00:20:16I remember

00:20:16In the middle of the fights

00:20:20I remember

00:20:21In the middle of the fights

00:20:21I got really like cold

00:20:23Because on certain drugs

00:20:24Your relation to temperature

00:20:25Just goes out the window

00:20:26Alcohol is one of them

00:20:27If you get drunk

00:20:28You can lie outside

00:20:29In the snow

00:20:30And be like

00:20:31I'm gonna lay here

00:20:32You're gonna be cold

00:20:33Like I've got shorts on

00:20:34I'll be fine

00:20:37You just don't feel it

00:20:38It starts raining

00:20:38Like it's raining now

00:20:39And you're like

00:20:40Whatever

00:20:41I need a bath

00:20:44What's it called

00:20:45It's one of those things

00:20:46Acid is one of those things

00:20:47So I remember

00:20:48Shivering cold

00:20:48At this UFC fight

00:20:49Turning to my friends

00:20:50Like

00:20:50Are you guys cold at all

00:20:53But they were both like

00:20:54No I'm really hot

00:20:57And I was like

00:20:58Yeah totally

00:21:02So I was looking down

00:21:03So I didn't notice

00:21:04That the t-shirt cannon

00:21:05Girls had come out

00:21:07And they started

00:21:07Firing off t-shirts

00:21:08Into the crowd

00:21:10With those t-shirt bazookas

00:21:11You know

00:21:12I looked up

00:21:12And I saw them

00:21:13And immediately

00:21:13I figured out

00:21:14Everything I needed

00:21:15To figure out

00:21:16I was like

00:21:16Oh I have

00:21:17One t-shirt

00:21:19On now

00:21:23And I'm cold

00:21:26If I were to get

00:21:26One of those t-shirts

00:21:29Well that would

00:21:29Double the amount

00:21:30Of t-shirts I have

00:21:32That'd be a lot

00:21:33Less cold

00:21:34I turn to my friend

00:21:35I'm like

00:21:35Dude I want

00:21:36One of those t-shirts

00:21:37And he goes

00:21:37That's cool

00:21:39But why did you

00:21:40Just say all that

00:21:41About the one t-shirt

00:21:42And the two t-shirts

00:21:50And I was like

00:21:52What?

00:21:54No I was just

00:21:55Thinking all of that

00:21:56And he goes

00:21:57Okay maybe

00:21:58Maybe

00:22:02But if you were

00:22:03Just thinking it

00:22:04Then how did I

00:22:04Know about it

00:22:06And I was like

00:22:07Yeah

00:22:08How did you

00:22:09Know about it

00:22:10I was like

00:22:11But I can't

00:22:11Deal with that

00:22:11Right now

00:22:12Cause I'm finna

00:22:13Get one of them

00:22:14T-shirts

00:22:15But I'm like

00:22:1630 rows up

00:22:17Like there's no way

00:22:17I'm gonna get one

00:22:18But I swear to god

00:22:19This happened

00:22:19I swear to you

00:22:20This one t-shirt girl

00:22:21She already cocked

00:22:22I'm like

00:22:22I want a t-shirt

00:22:22She goes

00:22:24And she turns right out

00:22:25I swear this happened

00:22:26It did

00:22:27I swear to you

00:22:28I was on acid

00:22:29My memory's not the best

00:22:30Probably

00:22:31But like

00:22:32And she fire one up

00:22:33And it goes up

00:22:34And off my friend's hand

00:22:35And right into my lap

00:22:36And I just undid it

00:22:37And I put it right on

00:22:40And I was like

00:22:41Thank you universe

00:22:42And I went back to doing this

00:22:43For like four more hours

00:22:47Two more drugs

00:22:52It's like an audible scream

00:22:54For that girl

00:22:54Yes

00:22:56More drugs

00:23:00I just moved to New York

00:23:01By the way

00:23:03Like a year ago

00:23:04Thanks one dude

00:23:05You don't have to cheer

00:23:06No it's okay

00:23:07You're like

00:23:07I've heard of it

00:23:08Does that count

00:23:08No don't worry about it

00:23:10It's weird

00:23:10It's been pretty cool

00:23:11I lived here for a long time

00:23:12Then I moved to New York

00:23:13It's been fun

00:23:14I played this game

00:23:15I just walk around the streets

00:23:16Playing this game called

00:23:16Why would I have touched that

00:23:19It was so fun

00:23:20You guys gotta do it

00:23:21If you're ever there

00:23:21You just walk outside

00:23:22On a sunny day

00:23:23And just see anything

00:23:24Any object

00:23:24And you look at it

00:23:25You're like

00:23:25Oh that's so interesting

00:23:26And then you decide

00:23:27And then you decide

00:23:27To touch it

00:23:28And that's when you notice

00:23:30That it's far more moist

00:23:31Than you thought it would be

00:23:33You picture no moist

00:23:34But it's a lot more than that

00:23:35And so the next move

00:23:36Is you recoil in horror

00:23:38Thinking about the Ebola

00:23:39That's on your hands right now

00:23:41And then you look inwards

00:23:42And you go

00:23:43Why would I have touched that

00:23:45And that's how you win

00:23:46I'm really good

00:23:49It's fun in New York

00:23:50Only problem in New York

00:23:51Is the weed situation

00:23:52The marijuana situation

00:23:53Is horrifying

00:23:55I didn't realize

00:23:56I started smoking pot here

00:23:57I didn't realize

00:23:58How spoiled I was

00:24:00Until you go somewhere else

00:24:02God it's fucking terrible

00:24:03Out there

00:24:04And it's hard to find

00:24:05Like if you guys

00:24:06Are right now

00:24:06Let's say you guys

00:24:07Finish a show

00:24:07And you all want to go outside

00:24:08And nobody has any weed

00:24:09Which is definitely not the case

00:24:10But like

00:24:11My crowd

00:24:12But like

00:24:13If you're out

00:24:14You're like

00:24:14Oh let's go to a store

00:24:15And buy more weed

00:24:15That's what you would do

00:24:16Like a grown man would do

00:24:18Those are your errands

00:24:19I gotta get trash bags

00:24:20Light bulbs

00:24:20And marijuana

00:24:23If you're in New York

00:24:24And you run out of weed

00:24:25You just have to

00:24:26Be without weed

00:24:28Like a fucking immigrant

00:24:35Or you wait

00:24:36Until someone

00:24:36In like a shitty part of town

00:24:38Walks by you

00:24:38And they'll go like this

00:24:39They'll go

00:24:40Weed

00:24:41And they just keep walking

00:24:43And then it becomes

00:24:44Your responsibility

00:24:45To go

00:24:45What did you say?

00:24:47And then they go

00:24:48What did you hear?

00:24:51And that's why

00:24:51You buy marijuana

00:24:53And the reason I say

00:24:54What did you hear?

00:24:55Is because

00:24:55They've actually been saying

00:24:56The name of like

00:24:56Four or five different drugs

00:24:58But the only one

00:24:59Your brain let you hear

00:25:00Is the one

00:25:01You're addicted to

00:25:04So to other people

00:25:05It sounded

00:25:05So to other people

00:25:06It's like

00:25:06Mwah, mwah, mwah

00:25:07Percocet

00:25:08Mwah, mwah, mwah

00:25:13And it's all terrible

00:25:14First of all

00:25:14They don't even sell

00:25:15Regular amounts

00:25:15They don't sell

00:25:16Grams or eights

00:25:17They sell these things

00:25:18Called fifties

00:25:20Which is

00:25:21However much weed

00:25:21They want to give you

00:25:22For fifty dollars

00:25:25Dude, that's not

00:25:26A measurable amount

00:25:29I could be like

00:25:30Hey man

00:25:30This seems really light today

00:25:31And you're like

00:25:32Whoa, how much did you give me?

00:25:33I'm like

00:25:33I gave you fifty dollars

00:25:34I'd be like

00:25:35Well, perfect

00:25:42It's fun there though

00:25:43I just take my shirt off

00:25:44And walk around all day

00:25:46When it's warm

00:25:46It's weird

00:25:47When you take a shirt off

00:25:48In the city

00:25:48People leave you the fuck alone

00:25:51You become part of the problem

00:25:53Which I love

00:25:53I get to be by myself

00:25:54They'll start to be like

00:25:55Hey man, do you have the time?

00:25:57Hey, do you have the time?

00:26:00It lets you just observe

00:26:01It's pretty fun

00:26:02Here's something I noticed

00:26:03You ever walk down the street

00:26:04And pass by like

00:26:05A really hot girl

00:26:06Like really hot

00:26:07Like Kelly Bundy hot

00:26:08You know

00:26:10There's this thing that happens

00:26:11It's a social construct

00:26:12Where as you're walking

00:26:13As you pass them

00:26:14Everyone will sort of turn

00:26:15And look at the girl

00:26:16As they walk by

00:26:17That's it

00:26:17You don't fucking

00:26:18Grab a tit or anything

00:26:19You just, you know

00:26:20Just look

00:26:21They're hot

00:26:22Girls will look too

00:26:23Guys will look

00:26:23Because they'll be like

00:26:24Wow, she's so hot

00:26:25And girls will look

00:26:25So they'll be like

00:26:26Skank

00:26:27I'm like that

00:26:28Nobody hates girls

00:26:29More than girls

00:26:31But at some point

00:26:31I realized

00:26:32Hot girls

00:26:32Want you to look at them

00:26:33That's why they're wearing

00:26:34A black miniskirt dress

00:26:35At 4pm on a Wednesday

00:26:37They want the attention

00:26:38I don't like hot people

00:26:39Because they have life

00:26:39Better than us

00:26:40So I refuse to give them

00:26:42The attention

00:26:42When I pass by

00:26:43A really hot girl

00:26:44I look straight forward

00:26:46I don't blink

00:26:48I don't blink

00:26:50I don't flinch

00:26:51I'm like oh here she comes

00:26:52Am I looking?

00:26:52Nope

00:26:53No attention

00:26:54Choke on it

00:26:57I let her go

00:26:59But then

00:27:01But then here's what I do

00:27:02Because I like women

00:27:04So right when they pass by

00:27:05Really creepily

00:27:08I'll just sniff in

00:27:12You guys ever do one of those?

00:27:14That's some good creeping

00:27:19That's fun

00:27:19As I go by

00:27:20Like no I'm not looking at all

00:27:21I'm interested in other things

00:27:22And I'm like

00:27:30And that's how you own a bitch

00:27:34You know what I'm talking about

00:27:45New York is cool though

00:27:46Best part of New York

00:27:47No actors

00:27:49Yeah I mean there's a few

00:27:50But they don't run the city

00:27:50Like they do here

00:27:51They fucking run this town

00:27:54They think they're so fucking important

00:27:56Actors are the most

00:27:57Overrated people in the world

00:27:58They don't do anything

00:27:59For society at all

00:28:01And by the way

00:28:01It's not even that hard

00:28:03Like any one of you

00:28:04With like a month of training

00:28:05Could be like a really good actor

00:28:07You couldn't be the best of the best

00:28:09You couldn't be like that guy

00:28:09That died in the hotel room

00:28:11Of heroin

00:28:14But you could be pretty good

00:28:15You could be David Duchovny good

00:28:21You could definitely be that good

00:28:24But you've heard about

00:28:24The award shows and stuff

00:28:25They think they're so fucking important

00:28:27They're like you know

00:28:27I'm just trying to change the world

00:28:28And make a difference

00:28:29It's like shut the fuck up

00:28:31You could play pretend for a living

00:28:34Your entire job

00:28:35Is an extended recess

00:28:36All right

00:28:37Fucking get over yourself

00:28:38Who keeps yapping over there

00:28:39Which one of you guys

00:28:40Keeps yapping

00:28:40Are you kidding me right now

00:28:41Whoever it is

00:28:42Just fucking stop

00:28:43It's really

00:28:43Oh nobody said anything

00:28:44I was just acting

00:28:48That's how easy it is

00:28:49That's how dumb of a job it is

00:28:52You just play for Ken

00:28:59People are like really?

00:29:01No not really

00:29:03It's a skill I mastered in kindergarten

00:29:09What are you guys just told

00:29:10On the other one too

00:29:11Somebody was like pointing

00:29:13Like there was no noise

00:29:14But somebody was fully telling

00:29:16On somebody else

00:29:17Take the heat off them

00:29:19You would have been horrible

00:29:20In the holocaust

00:29:26They were like no

00:29:27I haven't seen them around here

00:29:28In a long time

00:29:30I think you got rid of them all

00:29:31Yeah no I haven't seen any

00:29:33None of them were around

00:29:33Get them get them all

00:29:34Get them all

00:29:34I went on as a diary

00:29:35Leave no legacy

00:29:42Fuck actors

00:29:44And there was a moment too

00:29:45Where I realized

00:29:46They took themselves too seriously

00:29:47There was a moment

00:29:48Where it came to me

00:29:49Where I was in this acting class

00:29:50I'll do it for money

00:29:51Whatever

00:29:53It's easy money

00:29:54You just catch a beer

00:29:55And go oh Bud Light

00:29:57Ten thousand dollars

00:29:59That's an entry level position

00:30:00In acting

00:30:03And so I was in this acting scene

00:30:05And I had to do this

00:30:06I had to do the scene

00:30:07Where I had cerebral palsy

00:30:10How do you guys laugh at that

00:30:11That's not the funny part

00:30:16How do you laugh

00:30:16By the way

00:30:17Do you guys know what cerebral palsy is

00:30:19They're like the king of the retards

00:30:28I'm saying

00:30:28They're the best of something

00:30:31It's a compliment

00:30:31If anything

00:30:36Unless you don't think

00:30:36They're the best ones

00:30:37And then I think you're wrong

00:30:39What's the problem?

00:30:40There's a clear order

00:30:41In the retard community

00:30:48You don't think

00:30:49Someone with Down syndrome

00:30:50Looks at someone with cerebral palsy

00:30:51And goes

00:30:51Oh I wish it was me

00:30:55I wish I could clear

00:31:02The only one that comes close

00:31:03To competing with them

00:31:04Is those guys that

00:31:04Count jelly beans good

00:31:07They might be the king

00:31:12You know what the bottom rung

00:31:13Of the retard letter is?

00:31:15It's too much

00:31:18Here's when

00:31:18Fuck it

00:31:19I'll just tell you

00:31:20Here's the bottom

00:31:21Here's the worst

00:31:21The guy who's just like

00:31:23All head

00:31:23And like a little

00:31:24Mr. Potato Head body

00:31:26That can't do anything

00:31:28But blow and move

00:31:38Those people make you feel good

00:31:39About yourself

00:31:41I was with my friend Lawrence

00:31:42We were playing in a poker tournament

00:31:43In Las Vegas

00:31:44And I passed one of those guys

00:31:45I was bitching about some bad beat

00:31:47I wasn't even out

00:31:48I was just at a break

00:31:49And I was like

00:31:50Fucking 10-2

00:31:51Who the fuck plays a 10-deuce?

00:31:53It's ridiculous

00:31:54The luck I have

00:31:54As one of these guys

00:31:56That's just wheeling past me

00:31:57I was like

00:31:58Nobody has more bad luck than I

00:31:59Yeah I'm fine

00:32:00I'm fine

00:32:01I'm cool

00:32:02Let's just walk

00:32:02Let's just walk around

00:32:03For a little while

00:32:04Let's just enjoy that

00:32:08So here's when I realized

00:32:09Actors took themselves too seriously

00:32:10But this scene I did

00:32:11I had to pretend like

00:32:12I had cerebral palsy

00:32:13So if you know anything about it

00:32:14For real

00:32:15Your mind is completely fine

00:32:16But your body just gets fucked up

00:32:18Half the muscles in your body

00:32:19Left side or right side

00:32:20At the same time

00:32:20They'll clench

00:32:21And then let go

00:32:22Clench, let go

00:32:23Like legs, chest, arms

00:32:24All

00:32:25It just never stops

00:32:26So at the end of this

00:32:27Five minute scene

00:32:27I was really tired

00:32:28And the teacher was like

00:32:29It's tough, huh?

00:32:30I'm like, yeah

00:32:31And he goes

00:32:32Well now imagine

00:32:33What it would be like

00:32:34To be Daniel Day-Lewis

00:32:37And to have to do that

00:32:38Every day

00:32:38For three months

00:32:41Like he did

00:32:42On the filming of the movie

00:32:43My Left Foot

00:32:46And I was like

00:32:48Um

00:32:48I think

00:32:50What you should have said

00:33:00If you didn't take your job

00:33:02Too seriously

00:33:04Is

00:33:05Now imagine

00:33:06What it would be like

00:33:07To have cerebral palsy

00:33:11What are you talking about?

00:33:12B. Daniel Day-Lewis

00:33:13First of all

00:33:13That sounds awesome

00:33:14I would love to be that guy

00:33:15He probably has a hot tub

00:33:17Inside his house

00:33:17That guy's fucking cool

00:33:21I would not love

00:33:22To have cerebral palsy

00:33:23All right

00:33:23You get it

00:33:27Hey, um

00:33:28I discovered something recently

00:33:29About racism

00:33:30Tell me what you think

00:33:33It's not racist

00:33:34Don't worry about it

00:33:34Everybody gets weird

00:33:35You even bring up racism

00:33:36But you ever go to a party

00:33:37And have somebody talking to you

00:33:39Like someone you just met

00:33:40And they get like

00:33:40Way too racist

00:33:42You know

00:33:43Especially for someone

00:33:43You don't even know

00:33:45We all talk about other people

00:33:46But when you know

00:33:47Everyone around you

00:33:49You don't just whip it out

00:33:50In the middle of nowhere

00:33:53And it's like

00:33:54Not even funny

00:33:54It's just like

00:33:55Racist, racist

00:33:55And you're like

00:33:56Ugh

00:33:56And I don't know about you

00:33:57But I get this weird

00:33:57Empty feeling

00:33:58In the pit of my chest

00:33:59Where it's like

00:33:59Ugh

00:34:00And you just get grossed out

00:34:01You have to leave

00:34:02You don't try to get them fired

00:34:03You just fucking leave

00:34:05But then

00:34:06I thought that feeling

00:34:07Was because I was against racism

00:34:08But then I saw this comedian

00:34:09On stage recently

00:34:10This comic

00:34:10And he was really awful

00:34:11He was just terrible

00:34:12Doing jokes I've heard

00:34:13Like a thousand times before

00:34:14Totally unoriginal

00:34:16And I got that same

00:34:17Empty feeling

00:34:17In the pit of my chest

00:34:19And I was like

00:34:19Wait, that's the racism feeling

00:34:21And that's when I realized

00:34:22Oh, it's not racism I'm against

00:34:23It's the fucking

00:34:25Unoriginality of racism

00:34:27It's these stereotypes

00:34:28That are 40 years old

00:34:29And are still

00:34:30Thorn down our throats

00:34:31Like when I moved to LA

00:34:32They told me

00:34:32Mexicans were all lazy

00:34:34But every Mexican I met

00:34:35Had like nine jobs

00:34:38And I'm a Jew

00:34:39And I have zero jobs

00:34:41Like I'm not saying

00:34:42Don't be racist

00:34:43I'm just saying

00:34:43Update your shit

00:34:46It's a whole new world out there

00:34:47And watermelon

00:34:48Is delicious for everyone

00:34:53But with that in mind

00:34:55Here's a couple new ones

00:34:55I've observed

00:34:57Here's the most

00:34:59You ever get off

00:35:00Like a subway

00:35:01Or an elevator

00:35:02Or a bus

00:35:02Any door that opens up

00:35:03Like that

00:35:04Like side to side

00:35:05If you're trying to get off

00:35:06And before you can get off

00:35:07Someone else tries to

00:35:08Push their way on

00:35:09That person is a

00:35:11Chinese person

00:35:1698% of the time

00:35:1898%

00:35:19That's a Chinese person

00:35:212%

00:35:22They're blind

00:35:24Those are the only options

00:35:26And they're like

00:35:27Alright

00:35:27Don't even say

00:35:28You say Asian

00:35:29Not Chinese

00:35:29I'm like no no

00:35:30You're being racist

00:35:30It's specifically

00:35:31Chinese people

00:35:33The other ones get it

00:35:34Japanese

00:35:35Koreans

00:35:35They're like yeah

00:35:36Obviously

00:35:36You get off first

00:35:39And then when you're all out

00:35:40Then we get on

00:35:42How else would it be

00:35:45Not Chinese

00:35:46That's a whole different breed

00:35:48I see them too

00:35:49The Chinese people

00:35:50Through the door

00:35:50To the subway

00:35:50When the subway stops

00:35:51Before the doors open up

00:35:52I'm like hey

00:35:52You

00:35:53You

00:35:54We go first

00:35:57You're the side

00:35:59We're one

00:35:59You're two

00:36:00Get over

00:36:02Look at everyone else

00:36:03Get over

00:36:07And they're just like

00:36:08Not in my culture

00:36:12Fucking mainlanders

00:36:18Here's another one

00:36:18Here's another racist

00:36:20Or racial term

00:36:21That I've heard

00:36:21How many black people

00:36:22Are in here right now?

00:36:23Give me a round of applause

00:36:24No way

00:36:25Just one

00:36:25Come on

00:36:27Alright just one

00:36:28Get her

00:36:28Let's get her

00:36:32Really nobody else?

00:36:34Alright fuck

00:36:34I got a specific draw

00:36:35Huh?

00:36:37Alright

00:36:37Please represent

00:36:38Where the fuck were you?

00:36:41Who right behind her?

00:36:42You just left her

00:36:43In the lurch

00:36:44She's like

00:36:45I'm not joining in this

00:36:46I don't know where it's gonna go

00:36:48You're Chinese?

00:36:49You ain't Chinese

00:36:52So two black people

00:36:54Whichever other ones

00:36:54Are too cowardly

00:36:55If I can say it right now

00:36:59But a round of applause

00:37:00You two

00:37:00How many of you guys

00:37:02Take

00:37:03How many of you guys

00:37:04Take mushrooms?

00:37:05Yeah black people

00:37:06Don't like mushrooms

00:37:08That's a new thing

00:37:08Black people do not

00:37:09Take mushrooms

00:37:10I have no idea why

00:37:11I asked my friend

00:37:12Michael Che about that

00:37:13And this is what he said

00:37:13He goes

00:37:14Yeah you're right

00:37:14I didn't take him either

00:37:15And neither did any of my friends

00:37:16He goes

00:37:17I think

00:37:17I think maybe it's because

00:37:19Mushrooms are too adventurous

00:37:21For black people

00:37:23I was like

00:37:23Dude

00:37:24Crack is way more

00:37:25Of an adventure

00:37:27I don't think that's the answer

00:37:30I think it comes down to this

00:37:31And it's a real thing

00:37:32You guys gotta tell your community

00:37:33Let them like spread it out

00:37:34It's a wonderful drug

00:37:35I think it comes down to this

00:37:36I think it's because

00:37:37Mushrooms are typically

00:37:39Associated with camping

00:37:43It's just not a black experience

00:37:45I think that's what

00:37:45It comes down to

00:37:46I think that's all it is

00:37:51Hey you guys

00:37:52Okay here's the deal

00:37:52So that's a lot of comedy so far

00:37:54But I wanted to

00:37:55A quick public service announcement

00:37:57Because I'm going to do a lot

00:37:58I'm going to do over an hour

00:37:59So they're not going to use all this

00:38:00So I just wanted like

00:38:01I have a cause

00:38:02I'd like to share with people

00:38:03Because it can't all be about jokes

00:38:04You guys

00:38:04You know

00:38:05You gotta get serious

00:38:05Once in a while

00:38:07Here's the deal

00:38:10The morning blowjob

00:38:12What happened to it

00:38:14Thank you

00:38:15A couple chuckles

00:38:15From frustrated men

00:38:16The rest of you

00:38:17The morning blowjob

00:38:18Used to be a staple

00:38:19Of our society

00:38:20And now it's become

00:38:21Like the humpback whale

00:38:23What's awesome

00:38:24You give him a blowjob

00:38:25First thing in the morning

00:38:26Laughing

00:38:26I think it's ridiculous

00:38:28Fuck you

00:38:33It's the greatest moment

00:38:34In a man's life

00:38:35And you guys

00:38:36You have the power

00:38:37To give that to us

00:38:38You don't understand

00:38:39If that's the way

00:38:39We start our day

00:38:40Nothing can hurt us

00:38:41After that

00:38:43We're just champions

00:38:44For the rest of the day

00:38:46Impenetrable to pain

00:38:47And I mean start our day

00:38:47Like wake up like

00:38:49Hey what the fuck

00:38:50Yeah

00:38:53Alright

00:38:56We're going to smile

00:38:56For 24 straight hours

00:38:59Someone else gets

00:39:00A promotion at work

00:39:00We're like

00:39:01Hey man

00:39:02Whatever

00:39:04I got a blowjob

00:39:05This morning

00:39:05So I'm fine

00:39:06I'm going to take a lot more

00:39:07Effort on your part

00:39:10And I get it by the way

00:39:11From a woman's point of view

00:39:12I understand

00:39:13I get it

00:39:13First thing in the morning

00:39:15You don't want to have

00:39:15A blowjob

00:39:16Fucking

00:39:17Penis in your mouth

00:39:20How can you have

00:39:21A blowjob in your mouth

00:39:24You know what that means

00:39:25That means you have to

00:39:26Completely swallow up

00:39:26Two people

00:39:29You know

00:39:29Guess what's in my mouth

00:39:32You're like

00:39:33Uh I don't know

00:39:34Marbles

00:39:34No

00:39:35You're never going to guess

00:39:39It's a blowjob

00:39:40I'm like what

00:39:41They said it's a blowjob

00:39:42And they're

00:39:42I'm going to fucking

00:39:43Pull out two people

00:39:44I'm having oral sex

00:39:48I understand

00:39:49First thing in the morning

00:39:51You don't want to have

00:39:52A penis in your mouth

00:39:54Sure

00:39:54Absolutely

00:39:55That sounds like

00:39:56A horrible morning

00:39:56To be honest

00:39:59Honestly

00:40:00I can't think of

00:40:00A worse way

00:40:01To start your day

00:40:03I can't think of

00:40:04A possible worse way

00:40:04To start your day

00:40:06The sun is shining

00:40:07The birds are chirping

00:40:09Your eyes flutter open

00:40:11It's a new day

00:40:12Anything's possible

00:40:14Nope

00:40:15Dick in your mouth

00:40:17Sure

00:40:18I get it

00:40:18I get where you're coming from

00:40:19Absolutely

00:40:20But

00:40:21We

00:40:21Really want you to do it

00:40:23So

00:40:24Not every day

00:40:25But once

00:40:25Every fiscal corner

00:40:26It wouldn't fucking kill you

00:40:30It's the greatest thing

00:40:32And if you do it

00:40:33By the way

00:40:33If you decide to be cool

00:40:34And do it

00:40:34Don't do it tomorrow

00:40:35Because I'll be expecting it

00:40:36But like

00:40:38Sometime soon

00:40:39Do it

00:40:39But if you do it

00:40:40And don't start making demands

00:40:43At the end

00:40:43Like your mother Teresa

00:40:45And you change the world

00:40:47Just let us have the moment

00:40:49Don't start going

00:40:50Well you know

00:40:51I did that for you

00:40:52So

00:40:54It wouldn't kill you

00:40:54To empty a dishwasher

00:40:55Once in a while

00:40:57Take out the garbage

00:40:58No

00:40:58You shut the fuck up

00:41:00You do it

00:41:01And then you leave the house

00:41:04Let us have the moment

00:41:06Just get your briefcase

00:41:07And just go

00:41:07Your honor

00:41:07And fucking go to work

00:41:12Not every day

00:41:12Just sometimes

00:41:15What time do you set

00:41:15Your alarm for every day

00:41:16I don't set an alarm

00:41:17Fucking unemployed

00:41:18Los Angeles

00:41:21You just wake up

00:41:22Whenever you wake up

00:41:23I work at night

00:41:24You work at

00:41:24So are you just still

00:41:25You wake up at like 5pm

00:41:26Yeah

00:41:28That girl just

00:41:29Just had a disgusted

00:41:30Sound at you

00:41:32She literally goes

00:41:33Like you're beneath her

00:41:35What do you do for a living

00:41:37I work in room service

00:41:38In room service

00:41:39Oh

00:41:40Prostitute

00:41:43Smart

00:41:43Not connecting

00:41:44Because then it makes you

00:41:44A prostitute

00:41:45If you connect with the i5

00:41:46That definitely would

00:41:46Make you a prostitute

00:41:47That's very smart

00:41:48To pull away

00:41:52Well let's say

00:41:53You wake up at 7am

00:41:53Every day

00:41:54Most people wake up

00:41:55Whatever time it is

00:41:56It's the same time

00:41:57And every day

00:41:577am the alarm goes

00:41:58And you're like

00:41:59Alright

00:41:59And you get up

00:42:00But sometimes

00:42:01Your eyes pop open early

00:42:03Just randomly on their own

00:42:04And you feel like

00:42:05It might be time to get up

00:42:05But you look at the clock

00:42:06And you've got all this time

00:42:07Sometimes you wake up

00:42:08At like 3am

00:42:08And you look over

00:42:09Like oh fuck yeah

00:42:11Four more hours of sleep bro

00:42:14That's a great feeling

00:42:15But then sometimes

00:42:16You wake up

00:42:17And look over

00:42:17And it's like

00:42:186.56

00:42:21And you're like

00:42:21What the fuck

00:42:22Four minutes

00:42:24The fuck am I gonna do

00:42:25With four minutes

00:42:28You can't go back to sleep

00:42:30That's not even a full snooze cycle

00:42:31You will oversleep

00:42:32And nobody ever

00:42:33In the history of work

00:42:34Has ever just

00:42:35Gotten up

00:42:36Four minutes early

00:42:37And just started the day

00:42:38Like well

00:42:38I'll be traffic today

00:42:39Alright let's do this

00:42:42Nobody

00:42:42So what do you do

00:42:43Instead what do you do

00:42:44You just lay there

00:42:45For four minutes

00:42:47Just hoping that

00:42:48Today's the day

00:42:49That time stops

00:42:54And then of course

00:42:54Seven o'clock rolls around

00:42:55Like

00:42:56Alright shut up

00:42:57And you get up

00:42:57And you've wasted

00:42:58Four minutes

00:43:03Do something productive

00:43:04With that time

00:43:05Make your husband

00:43:06Or boyfriend

00:43:07Love you more

00:43:08Oh that's what will happen

00:43:09By the way

00:43:10Just so you know

00:43:10That's the side effect

00:43:11Of morning blowjobs

00:43:12We will love you more

00:43:15There's no more

00:43:16My man could love me

00:43:16Yes there is

00:43:17Try it

00:43:17And you'll see

00:43:21Don't do it early

00:43:22Wait till seven

00:43:22He didn't wake up early

00:43:23You know

00:43:23Don't punish him

00:43:24But like

00:43:28Like be ready

00:43:29Right inside

00:43:29Like hand over

00:43:30The alarm clock

00:43:30Ready to

00:43:31You know

00:43:35Like one motion

00:43:36Like your neck

00:43:36Should already be moving

00:43:38Like a shortstop

00:43:39You know

00:43:39You want action

00:43:40In the legs

00:43:40Before the hook comes

00:43:41So you go

00:43:42Out of the direction

00:43:46Yeah

00:43:47I've had girls

00:43:47Say this too

00:43:48They're like

00:43:48Well

00:43:49If you want us

00:43:50To go down

00:43:50On you first thing

00:43:50In the morning

00:43:51How about you

00:43:51Go down on us

00:43:52First thing in the morning

00:43:53That's a fair comparison

00:43:54You want a blowjob

00:43:54First thing

00:43:55Or you want a

00:43:56Slurp job

00:43:57Or whatever

00:43:57I don't know

00:43:59Is there a term for that

00:44:02There should be a term for that

00:44:05And to that

00:44:05I say this

00:44:06I say

00:44:06One

00:44:07You're absolutely right

00:44:08Guys

00:44:09You should do that

00:44:09Once in a while

00:44:10Lean over

00:44:11And just slurp away

00:44:13Especially if you have

00:44:13A dry mouth

00:44:14That's a perfect time

00:44:15To do it

00:44:18You absolutely should do

00:44:19Your part too

00:44:20But

00:44:21But

00:44:21It's not the same thing

00:44:22It's not the same thing

00:44:24Cause there's about

00:44:25Two or three days

00:44:26Every year

00:44:26Where

00:44:27I don't know what happens

00:44:28But the blankets

00:44:28Just trap the air in

00:44:30To your area

00:44:33And the fucking

00:44:36Smell

00:44:36That's coming out

00:44:37Of that thing

00:44:39Smells like a

00:44:39Like a urinal cake

00:44:41In a Tijuana

00:44:42Asparagus factory

00:44:45And noxious fumes

00:44:48Should be researched

00:44:49By Syria

00:44:50For chemical warfare

00:44:52Open it up

00:44:53Like a grilled cheese sandwich

00:44:57Who is right

00:44:58You're getting my point

00:44:59I would rather eat

00:45:00Chicken left in the sun

00:45:01All day

00:45:03Than ever go down

00:45:04On you

00:45:04One of those

00:45:04Two or three days a year

00:45:05So it's not the same thing

00:45:06It's not the same thing

00:45:07At all

00:45:07And like

00:45:08What your boss

00:45:08Smell too

00:45:09No

00:45:11Not like that

00:45:13Our boss

00:45:14Smell a little bit

00:45:14Every day

00:45:15You guys have

00:45:16Flowers and sunshine

00:45:17Flowers and sunshine

00:45:19Back to flowers and sunshine

00:45:21You don't know

00:45:22What you're walking into

00:45:24The movie

00:45:24Backdraft

00:45:25Was based on

00:45:32So it's not

00:45:32The same thing

00:45:33But

00:45:35We'll still do it

00:45:36If we get a blowjob

00:45:37In the morning

00:45:37Once in a while

00:45:38We'll hold our breasts

00:45:39Like navy seals

00:45:40And we'll do our duty

00:45:43She'll be like

00:46:03It'll be like two magnets

00:46:04Turn the wrong way

00:46:05You know

00:46:20And if you guys

00:46:21Decide to do it

00:46:22If any girl in here

00:46:22Decides to be cool

00:46:23Fucking strengthen

00:46:24The bond of marriage

00:46:26Or whatever

00:46:27For whatever reason

00:46:28Your husband or boyfriend

00:46:29If he stops you

00:46:30He was just startled

00:46:32Give him another chance

00:46:34That means it had been too long

00:46:35You didn't know

00:46:35What was happening

00:46:36I've been there

00:46:37I've been there

00:46:37It's a horrible feeling

00:46:39Once you understand

00:46:39What you missed out on

00:46:40It's a horrible feeling

00:46:41You can wake up

00:46:42And you're just like

00:46:44Hey what the fuck

00:46:45What are you doing down there

00:46:46Oh no

00:46:47No

00:46:49No please

00:46:50No

00:46:52I didn't know

00:46:53Please

00:46:55Please I didn't know

00:46:58Please

00:47:01Hot police

00:47:03Wow you're really strong

00:47:04By the way

00:47:09That's my public service announcement

00:47:20Now back to comedy

00:47:22How about that

00:47:25I was reading

00:47:27The Ten Commandments recently

00:47:30I was bored one day

00:47:32Whatever

00:47:33I was masturbating

00:47:34I got bored in the middle

00:47:36I figured no

00:47:36I was just web surfing

00:47:38You know how web surfing starts

00:47:39It's just like

00:47:39You go anywhere

00:47:39You don't know

00:47:40It's not like I was looking

00:47:41For the Ten Commandments

00:47:42You start with like

00:47:42Shark attacks

00:47:43And you go to

00:47:43Who invented the pencil

00:47:45And then you go

00:47:46Why did someone invent the pencil

00:47:48And then you just

00:47:49All of a sudden

00:47:49You end up at the Ten Commandments

00:47:51And I was there

00:47:52And I hadn't read them

00:47:52In a long time

00:47:53I read them when I was little

00:47:53Have you guys read them

00:47:54Do you guys know

00:47:54What I'm talking about

00:47:55Thou shalt not lie

00:47:56Thou shalt not kill

00:47:57Thou shalt not steal

00:47:58All those

00:47:59So it was the first time

00:48:00I came to them

00:48:00With like a really fresh

00:48:01Clear adult mind

00:48:02Because it had been so long

00:48:03And I realized what they were

00:48:04Ten Commandments

00:48:05That's just a list of rules

00:48:07Like that's all

00:48:08It really boils down to

00:48:09Like here's how

00:48:09You should live your life

00:48:10From God to us

00:48:11So you would think

00:48:12That the first rule

00:48:13Would be what

00:48:13What's the worst thing

00:48:14You can do to somebody

00:48:15Kill

00:48:16Absolutely

00:48:16So that's the first one

00:48:17Right up top

00:48:18That's number one

00:48:19Except that's not

00:48:20The first one

00:48:21Here's the first rule

00:48:22The first rule is

00:48:24I am the Lord your God

00:48:27And I was reading it

00:48:27I was like

00:48:28That's a weird rule man

00:48:31It's a very weird rule

00:48:32And plus

00:48:33Everybody already knows that

00:48:34If they're reading the list

00:48:37It's the only reason

00:48:38They're gonna read the list

00:48:38If they already agree

00:48:39With number one

00:48:41No one's just

00:48:41Finding it in the woods

00:48:42One day

00:48:42No one's just walking along

00:48:43Going like

00:48:44What the fuck

00:48:47Is that a list

00:48:48Did you leave a list here

00:48:49Anybody even listen here

00:48:52And this friend's like

00:48:53What does it say

00:48:53You read that language

00:48:54I'm like

00:48:54I don't know

00:48:54It's probably some

00:48:55Fucking letterman wannabe

00:48:56Let's get the fuck out of here

00:48:59He was like

00:49:00But what if it's important

00:49:01You're like

00:49:01Why would it be important

00:49:02In the middle of no

00:49:03Fine fine fine

00:49:04It's compromised

00:49:06I'll read the first one

00:49:08And if that's important enough

00:49:10Then we can read the other nine

00:49:13That's the only way

00:49:14No way

00:49:14What a fucking waste of time

00:49:15Hold on

00:49:17Number one

00:49:20Oh fuck

00:49:20It's God

00:49:21I was way wrong

00:49:23I was way wrong

00:49:24This is the most important list

00:49:25That's ever been discovered

00:49:26Actually

00:49:27Call everybody you know

00:49:28Call a bunch of newspapers

00:49:29Get them over here

00:49:30Right now

00:49:30God wrote this

00:49:33So fine

00:49:34Whatever

00:49:34Maybe in case

00:49:35This shit was lost somewhere

00:49:36And somebody found it

00:49:37That's why he was at the top

00:49:38But the second rule

00:49:40Should we don't kill anybody

00:49:42But that's not the second rule either

00:49:44The second rule is

00:49:45There are no other gods

00:49:46Except for me

00:49:49And the third rule is

00:49:50Don't even carve a tree

00:49:51To look like another god

00:49:52Because there's totally

00:49:53No other gods

00:49:55And at that point

00:49:56I was like

00:49:56Dude

00:49:56It sounds like

00:49:57There's a bunch

00:49:59Of other gods

00:50:00That you don't want us

00:50:00To know about

00:50:05Being kind of obvious

00:50:06About the whole situation

00:50:09We're like

00:50:10Halfway to the list

00:50:10People are shooting

00:50:11Each other in the face

00:50:12And you're worried

00:50:12About your reputation

00:50:14Like quit being

00:50:15So needy bro

00:50:18Why is your shit

00:50:19Even in there

00:50:19If you have to

00:50:20If you have to

00:50:21Save it for the end

00:50:22Have like top seven

00:50:23And then eight, nine, ten

00:50:24She'll be like

00:50:25By the way

00:50:27A little about the author

00:50:30You know

00:50:31That's where you have

00:50:31Your Twitter

00:50:32And your email

00:50:32And stuff

00:50:35They don't even

00:50:36Get to it after that

00:50:36Then they have like

00:50:38Don't talk shit about me

00:50:39Don't take your name in vain

00:50:40But that's what they're saying

00:50:41And then give it up for me

00:50:42One day a week

00:50:43Like relax bro

00:50:45And then give it up

00:50:46For your mom and dad

00:50:47And then don't murder

00:50:48No, the whole list is out

00:50:51There's some double ups too

00:50:52There's some that

00:50:53Don't even need to be there

00:50:54They have

00:50:54Don't cover your neighbor's wife

00:50:55But they also have

00:50:56Do not commit adultery

00:50:58But how are you supposed

00:50:59To fuck her

00:51:00If you don't cover her

00:51:02It's a two for one

00:51:05She'd have to be

00:51:05So ugly

00:51:08To be able to covet

00:51:09To fuck somebody

00:51:10Without coveting them

00:51:13She'd have to be a one

00:51:16A one

00:51:18And not even count

00:51:19One you would joke about

00:51:19In high school

00:51:20Like ah

00:51:20Look at Mrs. Whitwell

00:51:21She's a one

00:51:22She's a four

00:51:22And we all knew it

00:51:25I mean a one

00:51:26We're like

00:51:27Look I'm not attracted

00:51:27To you at all

00:51:29This

00:51:29This quarter of a chubby

00:51:30You feel inside you

00:51:31That's the result

00:51:32Of seven Viagras

00:51:35I just

00:51:35I don't cover my neighbor's wife

00:51:36That's just how I live

00:51:37I don't cover my neighbor's wife

00:51:39Oh yeah

00:51:39I'm an adulterer

00:51:40Absolutely I do that

00:51:42I love doing that

00:51:44Your husband borrowed my lawnmower

00:51:46A few months ago

00:51:46And hasn't returned it

00:51:47So I thought I'd send him a message

00:51:52And now that we're here

00:51:53I realize this is way too strong

00:51:54A message to be sending

00:51:57So goodbye

00:52:00That'd be a great way

00:52:01To stop sex

00:52:03Goodbye

00:52:07That'd be baller

00:52:10By the way

00:52:11Coveting is such a hard

00:52:11You can't even help that

00:52:13It's not like stealing

00:52:14Or murder or anything

00:52:15You just do it

00:52:16As soon as you do it

00:52:16It happens

00:52:17You can't decide

00:52:18You see somebody

00:52:19Like covet

00:52:19I covet you

00:52:20Covet

00:52:21Covet

00:52:22Covet

00:52:23Covet

00:52:23Covet again

00:52:24Covet again

00:52:25It just happens like that

00:52:27Covet again

00:52:27Covet

00:52:28Covet

00:52:31I'm not gay

00:52:32But I've coveted dudes before

00:52:34As they're like whipping by

00:52:35Like you

00:52:36You have long hair

00:52:36So it's like

00:52:37Oh no

00:52:38Fuck

00:52:38Too late

00:52:39Too late

00:52:41Too late

00:52:42Covet was there

00:52:45I've coveted so many transsexuals

00:52:47On fucking Santa Monica Boulevard

00:52:48Driving it from behind them

00:52:52We're like

00:52:53Oh yeah

00:52:53Who's this little

00:52:54Oh motherfucker

00:52:55God damn it

00:52:58Too late

00:52:59Covet

00:53:02Total covet move

00:53:07I just got my

00:53:08I'm done with the Ten Commandments now

00:53:09So

00:53:12Change your minds I guess

00:53:14I just went to my

00:53:15What's it called

00:53:16What's orthodontist for eyeballs?

00:53:18Autometrist

00:53:19Thank you

00:53:22Come on marijuana

00:53:23Give me some words back

00:53:27They say pot

00:53:28They say pot has no negative side effects

00:53:29But I'm like really

00:53:29I can't spell effects anymore

00:53:32I'm not sure you're right

00:53:33I spent a week in February

00:53:34Trying to remember

00:53:34What the word for grapefruit was

00:53:37Like a full week

00:53:38Where I was actually trying to remember it

00:53:39How do you find that out

00:53:40Without carrying around a grapefruit with you

00:53:42And going

00:53:42Whoa

00:53:42What's this?

00:53:45How do you find out

00:53:47What the word for grapefruit is?

00:53:50I would just go to my friends

00:53:52I'd be like

00:53:52Hey what's that

00:53:54What's that shitty orange?

00:53:58It's like a big shitty orange

00:54:00What is that?

00:54:04My one friend was like

00:54:05Is it a palmella?

00:54:07Stop shopping at Whole Foods

00:54:09You're getting weird

00:54:14Yeah I went to my

00:54:15What'd you say?

00:54:16Optometrist

00:54:16Yeah

00:54:17And when do they all turn into

00:54:18Fucking salesmen?

00:54:19They're not doctors anymore

00:54:21They all try to upsell you

00:54:22On LASIK eye surgery

00:54:23When do doctors

00:54:24Stop being doctors?

00:54:26Just do your fucking job man

00:54:27Don't try to get more money out of me

00:54:29Yeah but they try

00:54:30Like at first the guy was like

00:54:31Do you want

00:54:31I don't even mind offering once

00:54:33When he's like

00:54:33Do you want to get LASIK eye surgery?

00:54:34I was like

00:54:34No it's okay

00:54:34I don't want it

00:54:35But then he keeps pushing

00:54:36He was like

00:54:37You know the whole procedure

00:54:38Takes seven seconds

00:54:39It's just lasers

00:54:40Seven seconds

00:54:41You'll be done

00:54:42And I was like

00:54:42Dude I have ten minutes

00:54:43That's not the issue

00:54:46I just

00:54:46I don't want to do it

00:54:48But he kept trying

00:54:49He was like

00:54:50You know it's way safer

00:54:51Than not having it done

00:54:54Just make your shit up

00:54:55You can't make shit up

00:54:57I'm not allowed to do that

00:54:59Everybody just makes shit up

00:55:01Like those girls in the mall

00:55:02That sell the hand cream

00:55:03From the Dead Sea

00:55:04You know

00:55:06By the way

00:55:06I've tried it

00:55:07I haven't used

00:55:07I haven't bought it

00:55:08But I used it

00:55:08It makes your hands so soft

00:55:11Like it definitely works

00:55:12Masturbation after that

00:55:13Was like

00:55:14He was like

00:55:15Fucking a cloud

00:55:19And by the way

00:55:19I've been all over the country

00:55:20Those Israeli girls

00:55:21Selling hand cream

00:55:21They're all over the country

00:55:23And the world

00:55:23They're definitely spies

00:55:24You should watch out for them

00:55:27But they were like

00:55:27Hey you should buy this

00:55:28I was like

00:55:28No it's okay

00:55:29And they're like

00:55:29It's got vitamins and minerals

00:55:30From the Dead Sea

00:55:31And I was like

00:55:32It's got

00:55:34It's got vitamins

00:55:36She goes

00:55:36Well

00:55:37Minerals

00:55:38That's not the same thing then

00:55:40Can't just make shit up

00:55:42And getting LASIK eye surgery

00:55:44Is not safer than

00:55:45Not getting LASIK eye surgery

00:55:47How is it safer

00:55:48How is it safer than this

00:55:51Where nothing can get in there

00:55:52How is it possibly safer than that

00:55:55Impenetrable

00:55:59I can lean back

00:56:00And watch the rain

00:56:04You should all do that

00:56:05By the way

00:56:06Get high in the summertime

00:56:07Get high

00:56:08And just lean back

00:56:08And watch the rain

00:56:09It's so much fun

00:56:12You'll trail like

00:56:12One drop

00:56:13All the way down

00:56:14It's so scary

00:56:14You'll be like

00:56:15Oh my god

00:56:16Wow

00:56:17Wow

00:56:27I don't know

00:56:27How do you guys feel

00:56:28About the government right now

00:56:30Jesus Christ

00:56:31Yeah it's gotten

00:56:32More and more of that

00:56:33It's weird

00:56:34But a relationship

00:56:34Will happen

00:56:35When you lie

00:56:3630 straight years

00:56:37It's weird

00:56:38It strains a relationship

00:56:40That and shooting

00:56:41Unarmed people

00:56:42Really get a weird taste

00:56:43In people's mouths

00:56:44They lie too much

00:56:46Remember when they

00:56:46They're spying on everybody

00:56:48And we're like

00:56:48Can you not spy on everybody

00:56:49And they're like

00:56:50We're not spying on anybody

00:56:52And we're like

00:56:53What about this piece of paper

00:56:54That shows how you're spying

00:56:55On everybody

00:56:56And they're like

00:56:58Fine

00:57:01You happy now

00:57:02I'm like no

00:57:03I'm not happy at all

00:57:04Just stop doing it

00:57:05We'll talk about it later

00:57:08Fuck the government

00:57:08Anytime I feel the thumb

00:57:10Of the government on me

00:57:11Like any sort of

00:57:11Slight of pressure

00:57:12I'm like get off

00:57:12I'm not Democrat

00:57:13Or Republican

00:57:14I'm from the

00:57:14Don't touch me party

00:57:16I'm from the

00:57:17Get off me party

00:57:17You know

00:57:18Yeah where it's like

00:57:19I'm going over here

00:57:20Unless I'm doing something wrong

00:57:21Get the fuck off me

00:57:22You're not supposed to touch me

00:57:23I do it all

00:57:24Anytime I feel them

00:57:25Anytime I feel the government

00:57:26Like if I'm flying

00:57:27The TSA

00:57:27Oh I hate the TSA so much

00:57:30God I fuck with them hard

00:57:32I don't know if you guys know this

00:57:33You don't have to listen to them

00:57:35I feel like they don't have

00:57:35Any real authority

00:57:37They're less trained

00:57:38Than a Starbucks employee

00:57:39Like as long as you don't

00:57:40Use the word bomb

00:57:41Or the word terrorist

00:57:42You can just fuck with them

00:57:43And there's nothing they can do

00:57:44It makes it a lot more fun

00:57:45Like if they're patting me down

00:57:47If they're at my knee

00:57:48Or above

00:57:49If they're ever

00:57:49At my knee or above

00:57:50I'm always

00:57:51Always just

00:57:53Pushing my dick

00:57:56Right into their hand

00:57:58And just taunting them

00:57:59Like you love it

00:58:02You live for my dick

00:58:05Yeah

00:58:05Touch that D

00:58:08We'll do this on my terms

00:58:10Not yours

00:58:12They're the priests of the sky

00:58:13You don't have to listen to them

00:58:15God they're fucking awful

00:58:17My friend's like

00:58:18You know

00:58:18They're just trying

00:58:19They're doing their best

00:58:19You know

00:58:20They're catching terrorists

00:58:20But they're not

00:58:21They've never caught a terrorist

00:58:22In 13 years

00:58:24They've never caught anyone

00:58:25Even trying to do anything

00:58:27They've let two people go

00:58:28That's their record

00:58:30The shoe guy

00:58:31And the underwear guy

00:58:31It's 0 for 2

00:58:32That's their entire record

00:58:33In 13 years

00:58:35Like you're not even

00:58:35Doing anything

00:58:36So what are you doing

00:58:37All they do is

00:58:37Steal iPads all day long

00:58:40That's how they get a living

00:58:41They steal iPads

00:58:44And don't get me wrong

00:58:44It's not like I'm any better

00:58:45Than them

00:58:46Like if I was a TSA agent

00:58:47I guarantee you

00:58:48I would steal

00:58:49All of your iPads

00:58:51I would never see an iPad

00:58:52I wouldn't steal

00:58:53I would do it right in front of you

00:58:53I'd just be like

00:58:54Fuck yeah

00:58:58I would steal

00:58:59Thousands of them

00:59:00You guys

00:59:01I wouldn't even sell them

00:59:02Or use them

00:59:03I would just hoard them

00:59:03In my apartment

00:59:04Just piles and piles

00:59:06Of iPads

00:59:06And every night

00:59:07I would lay on top of them

00:59:08And pretend like

00:59:09I was a dragon

00:59:13That's my right

00:59:14As a TSA officer

00:59:17Of course I would steal

00:59:18Buzzing at TSA

00:59:18I'm just saying

00:59:19People like me

00:59:20Shouldn't be in charge

00:59:21Of people like us

00:59:24Should have better people

00:59:25I've stolen from every job

00:59:26I've ever had

00:59:27I've not only done this

00:59:28I've done like

00:59:29Nine other things before

00:59:30I've stolen cash money

00:59:32From every one of those jobs

00:59:34Including when I worked here

00:59:35At the coffee store

00:59:36That's not above it either

00:59:39Don't tell the owner I guess

00:59:42I had a one day job

00:59:43Once I stole money from

00:59:45It was only supposed to last

00:59:46For one day

00:59:47Inside that day

00:59:48I managed to locate money

00:59:49And steal it

00:59:54I was working

00:59:55My aunt was a party planner

00:59:56In Washington D.C.

00:59:58So she got me this job

00:59:59Working at an inauguration ball

01:00:00For their new mayor

01:00:02Do you guys remember

01:00:02Marion Barry?

01:00:04If you don't remember

01:00:05Marion Barry was the mayor

01:00:06Of Washington D.C.

01:00:07For like a long time

01:00:08For like a decade or something

01:00:09Most powerful city

01:00:10In the world politically

01:00:11And then one day

01:00:12He got caught

01:00:13On camera

01:00:14Smoking crack

01:00:15With a prostitute

01:00:16You know

01:00:17Weekday shit

01:00:20And they put him in jail

01:00:21His big quote was like

01:00:22Bitch set me up

01:00:23Bitch

01:00:23And my friend said that

01:00:24Every day for like

01:00:25Six years after that

01:00:27Bitch set me up

01:00:29So much fun to say

01:00:30But she didn't set you up man

01:00:32I mean you hired a prostitute

01:00:33To do crack with

01:00:34How did she set you up?

01:00:36But anyway

01:00:36He went to jail

01:00:37For like seven, eight, ten years

01:00:38And then when he got out

01:00:40The prison was like

01:00:40Alright you gotta find a job now

01:00:41And he goes

01:00:42What should I do?

01:00:43And they were like

01:00:43What'd you do before?

01:00:45He goes

01:00:45Well before

01:00:46I was the mayor

01:00:47Of Washington D.C.

01:00:49And the warden was like

01:00:50Yeah whatever

01:00:51Do that

01:00:51I don't care

01:00:53And he ran for mayor again

01:00:54And he won

01:00:56He won easily

01:00:57Like it wasn't even that close

01:00:59He got like 80% of the vote

01:01:01The people of D.C. were like

01:01:02Hey man

01:01:03Just a little bit of crack

01:01:06You were great at balancing the budget

01:01:07We don't care

01:01:09Maybe you had more time

01:01:10To concentrate on it

01:01:10Because you were up all night

01:01:11Doing crack

01:01:14Either way

01:01:15Welcome home

01:01:16So I served drinks

01:01:17At this inauguration ball

01:01:18And there was this giant jar

01:01:19And they had people

01:01:19Put money into it

01:01:20Like donations and stuff

01:01:21For the campaign

01:01:22And at the end of the night

01:01:23They're like

01:01:23Okay Ari

01:01:24You can stop serving drinks

01:01:25Go up to this room

01:01:26That people hung out there

01:01:27A little bit

01:01:28And they're like

01:01:28Go up there

01:01:29And count the money

01:01:30And let us know

01:01:30How much there is in there

01:01:33So yeah

01:01:33For anyone who missed that opportunity

01:01:34Let me just

01:01:35Slow it down for you

01:01:38He said

01:01:39Count the uncounted money

01:01:42And tell us

01:01:43How much uncounted money there is

01:01:45In the pile of uncounted money

01:01:49Spoiler alert

01:01:50It did not all get counted

01:01:56Of course I would steal funds

01:01:57In the TSA

01:01:58Fuck them

01:01:58Resist them whenever you can guys

01:01:59Every time you feel the government

01:02:00Just like

01:02:00Get off me

01:02:02I never take my shoes off anymore

01:02:04When I'm flying

01:02:05I just don't do it

01:02:06You're not even supposed to

01:02:06But I just don't

01:02:07I go through security

01:02:08And they're like

01:02:08Sir your shoes

01:02:09You have to take your shoes off

01:02:10I'm like

01:02:10Oh

01:02:10I can't take them off

01:02:13They're like

01:02:13What

01:02:14Why not

01:02:14I just go

01:02:14Medical condition

01:02:17It's like diplomatic community

01:02:18They can't say shit after that

01:02:20The most they can do

01:02:21Is ask you what your condition is

01:02:23And my friend Brent Weinbach

01:02:24Told me this

01:02:25You just make up

01:02:26Some latin sounding syllables

01:02:28It always sounds like

01:02:29A really deadly disease

01:02:30You go

01:02:31What's wrong

01:02:31Uh

01:02:32Mitosis philibopsis

01:02:36That sounds real as fuck

01:02:38And it's super rare

01:02:40You can't even google it

01:02:41That's how rare it is

01:02:42I find guys apologizing

01:02:43Like oh yeah

01:02:44I know what that can be

01:02:45Do you?

01:02:49Fuck them

01:02:51Fuck them

01:02:51I farted on one of them

01:02:52In Boston

01:02:54I farted right on

01:02:55It was so rewarding

01:02:56You guys

01:02:56It was so rewarding

01:02:57It was my best fart since

01:02:59Do you remember when you discovered

01:03:00Crop dusting?

01:03:02You know

01:03:03I don't know if girls

01:03:04Got any

01:03:04Little boys are very inquisitive

01:03:06About the world

01:03:08And they make these observations

01:03:10And one of the first observations

01:03:11We make is like

01:03:12Oh

01:03:12Farts

01:03:13Smell

01:03:15And then after a while

01:03:16You're like

01:03:16Wait

01:03:17But they don't smell right away

01:03:19It takes like

01:03:20Seven or eight seconds

01:03:21For them to smell

01:03:22I'm like

01:03:22What happens to them then?

01:03:24Do they go train

01:03:25And then come back?

01:03:27And then you realize

01:03:27Oh no

01:03:28It's just got to

01:03:28Work its way out of your pants

01:03:29For a little while

01:03:30It just takes about

01:03:30Seven seconds

01:03:32But then you realize

01:03:32Oh that means

01:03:33If I fart quietly enough

01:03:34And there's a good enough friend

01:03:36Like right nearby me

01:03:37You can have a lot of fun with it

01:03:39If you're like

01:03:41You can go

01:03:42Hey man

01:03:42How you doing?

01:03:55And then you just wait

01:03:57And they'll be like

01:03:58What are you doing?

01:03:59Why are you walking so close to me?

01:04:00Oh fuck

01:04:00Fuck

01:04:00Oh

01:04:01Oh no

01:04:05Since then

01:04:05I've never had as

01:04:06As rewarding a fart

01:04:07As when I fart on this TSA agent

01:04:10I was going through it

01:04:11And the first person's like

01:04:12Sir, your shoes

01:04:12I'm like

01:04:13Medical condition

01:04:15And the second person's like

01:04:16Sir, your shoes are like

01:04:16Medical condition

01:04:18Don't you communicate?

01:04:23And he goes

01:04:24I don't understand

01:04:25You can get your shoes on

01:04:26But you can't take them off

01:04:28Yeah

01:04:28Excellent question

01:04:31It's an excellent question

01:04:32If I really had a disease

01:04:34I would have an answer

01:04:34For that question

01:04:36But the only thing

01:04:36I was suffering from

01:04:37Was freedom

01:04:42So he asked me that

01:04:42I go

01:04:43How about this?

01:04:43How about you just do

01:04:44Your fucking job for once

01:04:45And shut your fucking mouth

01:04:46Zero respect whatsoever

01:04:48I'm telling you guys

01:04:49Fuck them

01:04:49And some of my friends

01:04:50Like they're just doing their job

01:04:51Like don't take that job

01:04:53You can go job in the mafia

01:04:54Doesn't mean you're not

01:04:54Supposed to do it

01:04:56My father was a holocaust survivor

01:04:58And he always taught us

01:04:59That just doing our job

01:05:00Is not really an excuse

01:05:01For your actions

01:05:03Too far, right?

01:05:04That's too far

01:05:05I agree with you

01:05:06I agree with you

01:05:06That was too much

01:05:07Of a comparison

01:05:10So he goes

01:05:11Okay

01:05:11I'm gonna search your bag again

01:05:12And he starts to unzip my bag

01:05:13And I just took my hand

01:05:14I slammed it right on there

01:05:15I'm like

01:05:16No, no, no

01:05:16You don't get to search me again

01:05:17Because I don't like you

01:05:18That's not the rule

01:05:19I don't have to like you

01:05:20And just to be clear

01:05:21I do not like you

01:05:23I'm telling you

01:05:23Black people

01:05:24If you ever want to yell at a cop

01:05:25This feels just as good

01:05:25But there's no repercussions

01:05:28So immediately

01:05:29He calls the supervisor over

01:05:30He's just like

01:05:30Supervisor

01:05:31And look

01:05:31Here's the deal

01:05:32I've had like 40 supervisors

01:05:33Called on me

01:05:33At this point

01:05:34I'm a complete cunt

01:05:35When I fly

01:05:36It takes like

01:05:37An extra 40 minutes

01:05:38Every single time

01:05:39You don't want to go

01:05:40My friends all know

01:05:40My friends are like

01:05:41Oh, I'll see you up there

01:05:42At Pizzeria Uno

01:05:43I'll catch up with you

01:05:44Fuck you

01:05:45Fuck you

01:05:46Fuck you

01:05:46I got work to do

01:05:47Fuck you

01:05:48Fuck you

01:05:53Here's the deal

01:05:54About supervisors

01:05:55They always think

01:05:55You're gonna be

01:05:56More scared of them

01:05:56Because their walkie-talkie

01:05:58Is up here

01:05:59So down there

01:06:04They think

01:06:04That's our special

01:06:05X-Men power

01:06:07So this guy

01:06:07Was like

01:06:08You know

01:06:08This regular guy

01:06:08Was like

01:06:09Supervisor

01:06:09And immediately

01:06:09I was like

01:06:14Fucking rat bitch

01:06:15You're gonna tell on me

01:06:19Call your mommy

01:06:22Supervisor comes in

01:06:23Eventually

01:06:23And he's like

01:06:24Is there something

01:06:25I can help you with

01:06:27I was like

01:06:28Yeah, we're trying

01:06:28To figure out

01:06:29How many idiots

01:06:29Is it gonna take

01:06:31So far

01:06:31We're up to two

01:06:34And he's like

01:06:35What's the problem

01:06:35And the one guy

01:06:36Starts to talk

01:06:36I'm like

01:06:36I'll talk

01:06:37Because you're an idiot

01:06:38He's searching me

01:06:38Because I don't like him

01:06:39And that's not the deal

01:06:39I didn't do anything

01:06:40You're not supposed

01:06:41To search me

01:06:41That's the deal he made

01:06:43I'm an American

01:06:43And I'm white

01:06:44And you leave me alone

01:06:50So he was like

01:06:51He saw that

01:06:51I was just

01:06:52I was just trouble

01:06:52So he was like

01:06:53He was like

01:06:54Sir, if you don't like

01:06:56The rules

01:06:56Don't fly

01:06:58Which is very dismissive

01:07:00I'm not the enemy

01:07:01I'm just a fucking guy

01:07:02Who wants to fly

01:07:03But the cool thing was

01:07:04I'd heard that logic before

01:07:05So I was kind of

01:07:05Ready for it

01:07:06So he goes

01:07:07If you don't like the rules

01:07:08Don't fly

01:07:09And I go

01:07:10Isn't that what they told

01:07:11Rosa Parks

01:07:20And he was like

01:07:22He goes

01:07:23That's different

01:07:23And I go

01:07:24Shut up

01:07:24Racist

01:07:27It's so much fun

01:07:28To fuck with him

01:07:30Do you guys know

01:07:30Who Rosa Parks was

01:07:33Okay

01:07:34Hopefully you all do

01:07:35You should all know

01:07:37So I told

01:07:38All right

01:07:38I'll just tell

01:07:39I'll tell you

01:07:40Rosa Parks

01:07:40You should know this

01:07:41You should read something

01:07:41Rosa Parks is a really

01:07:42Influential figure

01:07:43In the civil rights movement

01:07:45She would

01:07:45She took slaves

01:07:46By way of

01:07:47Underground Railroad

01:07:50Over the border

01:07:51Into Canada

01:07:54It's embarrassing

01:07:54You guys

01:07:55You guys should really

01:07:55Read something

01:07:56It's embarrassing

01:07:58So do that

01:07:58Yes

01:07:59That was the other one

01:08:00Whoever said that

01:08:00That's true

01:08:01It was the other one

01:08:03That was the other one

01:08:09So the supervisor guy

01:08:10He was just done

01:08:11He was like

01:08:11Sir

01:08:11You have to listen to me

01:08:13And right when he said

01:08:14The H

01:08:14And have to

01:08:15I got this gurgling

01:08:17In my stomach

01:08:18From last night's

01:08:19Chipotle

01:08:20It was like

01:08:22And look

01:08:22Here's the deal

01:08:23I don't believe in God

01:08:23Okay

01:08:24I just don't

01:08:25But us atheists

01:08:26Every once in a while

01:08:27We get these gifts

01:08:29And they kind of

01:08:30Make us wonder

01:08:31Like in this case

01:08:32Like who else

01:08:32But Jesus would have known

01:08:34That I wanted to fart

01:08:35So badly right now

01:08:38No one

01:08:38Who else had the power

01:08:39To grant me that wish

01:08:40Nobody but Jesus Christ

01:08:41Our Lord and Savior

01:08:45Is that how you say it

01:08:46I really have no idea

01:08:47I wish

01:08:49Whenever I say that

01:08:49I feel like

01:08:50I really can see through it

01:08:53Like a

01:08:53Like clearly in the closet

01:08:54Gay guy

01:08:55Who's talking about women

01:08:57And they're like

01:08:58I love pussy you guys

01:09:02I don't think you do

01:09:04What do you mean

01:09:05I love it

01:09:06It's my favorite thing

01:09:08Yeah

01:09:08You keep saying that

01:09:09But

01:09:11I don't believe you

01:09:15So uh

01:09:16So he goes

01:09:17Sir

01:09:17You have to listen to me

01:09:19And I go

01:09:19You have to smell my fart

01:09:21And I just cut

01:09:23The longest

01:09:24Loudest fart

01:09:26It was like

01:09:2614 seconds long

01:09:29And so loud

01:09:30Cartoonishly loud

01:09:31People from other aisles

01:09:33Were turning around

01:09:33Just going like

01:09:34Did someone sneak on a lawnmower

01:09:37What's happening

01:09:39One fart

01:09:40The whole way through

01:09:40I was careful

01:09:41Not to chop it up at all

01:09:42Cause I didn't want to

01:09:43Think like

01:09:43Oh some of these farts

01:09:44Are for other people

01:09:45No

01:09:46One fart

01:09:46All for you

01:09:50But I didn't want it

01:09:51To come out too fast

01:09:51Either

01:09:52Cause if it came out wet

01:09:54Then he would win

01:09:57You really gotta finesse it

01:09:58In these high pressure situations

01:10:01And it was like

01:10:03It had pitch

01:10:04That's how long it was

01:10:05It went down

01:10:06And then back up

01:10:07In bass

01:10:08It was like

01:10:09The whole time

01:10:12Looking at him

01:10:12Right in the eyes

01:10:15It was this didgeridoo noise

01:10:16Fucking being thrown at him

01:10:31And he had zero emotion

01:10:33On his face

01:10:34The entire time

01:10:34Just like this

01:10:39And then when I'm done

01:10:40When I finish it off

01:10:41He just goes

01:10:43Really

01:10:46I'm like

01:10:47Yeah man

01:10:47Really

01:10:47We're getting sick of you

01:10:48We don't want you here anymore

01:10:50Bomb dog

01:10:51Lock the cockpit gate

01:10:53Door

01:10:53That's it

01:10:54Metal detector

01:10:55That's all you need

01:10:57Yeah

01:10:57Here's what I want to do

01:10:58From now on

01:10:59This might go too far

01:11:01But this is what I want to do

01:11:02I want to take out

01:11:03My cell phone camera

01:11:04When I'm at the airport

01:11:05And every TSA agent I pass

01:11:06I want to like

01:11:07Really obviously

01:11:09Take a picture of them

01:11:11Like really obvious

01:11:13You know

01:11:13I'll leave my flash on

01:11:14Like I'm not trying to hide it

01:11:16And if they stop me

01:11:17If they go

01:11:17Sir what are you doing

01:11:18I'm going to go

01:11:18When the revolution comes

01:11:22We're going to want to know

01:11:23Whose side you were on

01:11:31I'm telling you guys

01:11:32Try it

01:11:33Try to resist them

01:11:34In some small way

01:11:34Just try to be like

01:11:35No get the fuck off me

01:11:36Just curse them out

01:11:37Or don't do that thing

01:11:38Where it looks like

01:11:39You're being sent off

01:11:39To a concentration camp

01:11:40Or getting arrested

01:11:41Or just don't take

01:11:42Your shoes off

01:11:43Just try that

01:11:43You'll be nervous at first

01:11:45I was too

01:11:45When I first did it

01:11:46I was so nervous

01:11:47You'll be nervous too

01:11:47But when you get through with it

01:11:49You'll feel like

01:11:49George Washington

01:11:53You guys

01:11:54That's my special

01:11:54Thank you very much

01:11:55Everybody

01:11:58You guys are cool

01:12:03Thank you

01:12:04Alright

01:12:05Thank you very much

01:12:07Thank you very much

01:12:40Thank you very much

01:12:41Thank you very much

01:12:42Thank you very much

01:12:44Thank you very much

01:12:51Thank you very much

01:12:54Thank you very much

01:12:56Thank you very much

01:12:58Thank you very much

01:13:01Thank you very much

01:13:03Oh, yes, no, I'm just going to stay so

01:13:05Oh, yes, no, I'm just going to stay so

01:13:09Oh, yes, no, I'm just going to stay so

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