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The Chief S02E01 (2026) [Full Movie] [Hot 2026]Full EP - Full
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00:01As Aristotle said, knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.
00:06This is about you, the great Scottish public, getting to know me, who I am, why I am.
00:14And no one better knows the I of who I am than me.
00:18I'm Cameron Mikkelsen.
00:21I was born for greatness, born to serve, born for justice.
00:319.30 and we've already got the foreword in the bag, Dugre Scott.
00:36You are a pro, sir.
00:38Well, I hope I'm capturing some of the you in there.
00:42Brother from another mother.
00:43You were always my first choice, Mr Scott.
00:45You bring my sense of command, intelligence, gravitas.
00:50If I had one, I hesitate to use the word note.
00:54One little torch beam to guide you on your way.
00:58Sexier.
01:04Chief, remember, Mr Scott is away at six.
01:08Oh, will be done long before then.
01:10And you wrote all this yourself, Chief.
01:12Every word. That way I can guarantee that it's 100% honest, truthful and accurate.
01:18And you're on time, Dugre.
01:20Okay.
01:22My childhood was tough.
01:24Home was a modest, detached Victoria Villa in Castorfin.
01:27As a family of five, we were all forced to share the same aga.
01:31The fires of injustice.
01:33Sorry, sir, but I need a word.
01:35Sorry, Dugre.
01:37Muldoon, we're recording the audiobook of my autobiography here.
01:39I know you are, sir.
01:40And I'm very much looking forward to reading it.
01:42Or having it read to you by a bona fide A-lister.
01:47Aye, sir.
01:48I need to talk to you about the opening of the Safe Drug Consumption Facility.
01:52Do they do deliveries?
01:55Deliveries.
01:56It's no laughing matter, pal.
01:58Drug taking is against the law.
02:00And the government are as good as saying,
02:02Come away in.
02:03Chop out if you don't mind us.
02:05Muldoon, I've cleared my diary for this.
02:07Left you in charge and you're down here already.
02:09Sorry, sir, but I just need your advice.
02:12Sorry, Dugre.
02:13I've got to step out for a quick strategy powwow with my deputy.
02:17Shall we just crack on with the recorder?
02:20I'd rather you didn't if that's okay with you.
02:23Every word is vitally important to me.
02:25Every colon, semi-colon and umlaut.
02:28Is there a numlaut?
02:30There is, actually. Page 357.
02:32When I tell Helmut Call that his reaction is ubertrieben.
02:36That's over the top, Muldoon.
02:38I'll be quick as I can.
02:43You're doing very well, Mr Scott. Sounds fire.
02:47Thank you, Paul.
02:49Could you do something amazing for me?
02:52It's my sister's hen night and she has a massive sand, like, major.
02:56Is there any way you could pop along to the voodoo lounge and say hi?
03:00I'm on a flight to LA. I don't think the plane will wait for me.
03:05Fine. No stress.
03:06So you could maybe record a video?
03:08Shall we just do the book first?
03:10Oh, well, the Chief did say to wait till he gets back.
03:12We're on the clock, Paul.
03:13Oh, okay. Let's go rogue.
03:18So, this next passage coming up is from when the Chief was a wee boy.
03:25Just imagine the Chief, like, much, much smaller with hair.
03:30Yeah.
03:32I know what a wee boy is, Paul.
03:35Of course.
03:38Right.
03:40And...
03:41And...
03:42Action.
03:45So, what's the issue?
03:47I thought the opening of this safe drug facility was months away.
03:50They moved it forward.
03:51You know what junkies are like. Desperate to get torn.
03:53We need to make a statement outlining the police position ASAP. Get it online and out in the media.
03:59Well, it's a government initiative. We support it.
04:02But we shouldn't. It's a place where wee jakeys can shoot up and we're supposed to turn a blind eye.
04:06It's a facility where people can safely consume drugs in the presence of trained health professionals.
04:13Drug taking is illegal.
04:16Yes, but the SDCF makes it legal.
04:18It's like a bar in a Scottish airport at six in the a.m.
04:23Normal rules don't apply.
04:26So you chug down a star of pramen with a Jagerbomb chaser.
04:28Okay, sir.
04:29I'll draft up a cautious statement of support. As long as we can huckle the...
04:34Yes, yes.
04:35Outside the facility, if you take a drug, you're straight to the jug.
04:39Muldoon.
04:41Together, we will win this war on drugs.
04:45Or legalise them all.
04:46Whatever works.
04:47Look, I've got to get back.
04:49The tome waits for no man.
04:52Actually, that's quite good. I'll try and work that in.
04:58I was just a small boy.
05:00My ambition was to be a policeman.
05:03But how could I achieve this impossible dream?
05:06Nervously, I entered my father's study and asked him,
05:08Do you know of any way I could join the police force, Chief Superintendent Mikkelsen?
05:12A little bit of early morning mutiny?
05:15I just thought that we should crack on, Chief.
05:17Well, I'll let it slide. Sounded excellent.
05:21No notes.
05:22Now, Dougray.
05:23For this next section, we move forward in time to Edinburgh in the 1980s and the SCAG epidemic.
05:30You get to embody the true hero of the Trainspotting era.
05:35A fearless young police officer.
05:37Myself.
05:38Take it away.
05:39Leaf, 1985.
05:42I had the miscreant cornered in his bedsit hellhole.
05:46The sweat was pissing off the Dos Raj Bam.
05:49So sorry I'm late, Chief.
05:51Gaelic helpline bot teething troubles.
05:54It's not still autocorrecting to Latvian.
05:56But Boorach.
05:58Too grey.
06:00I heard Lindsay MacLeod, my Head of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion, give the manuscript a quick sensitivity read.
06:06We don't want to startle the Gen Z-ers.
06:09I've highlighted all the problematic areas in red.
06:13So, for example, here maybe we could try and steer clear of the B word.
06:18What?
06:19Bam?
06:20It's the language of the street.
06:22We need to be wary of over-sensitivity, Lindsay.
06:25Now, carry on, Dougray.
06:27The sweat was pissing off the Dos Raj Bam.
06:32The nut job might as well have a junkie tattooed on his forehead.
06:35He had a mouth like a donkey's gash.
06:38Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
06:40Chief, that is a major red pen.
06:43That's how people spoke back then.
06:45It's authentic, raw, gritty.
06:47The G word is one of the most offensive terms it is.
06:51You'll get cancelled.
06:52Your book will get poked.
06:54It'll be in the bin with my bookie wook and the best of p-titty.
06:58Don't forget, Michelle Moans might fight to the top.
07:02What's the problem?
07:03No problems.
07:04As long as we change bam to B word,
07:09Raj to R word, nut job to the N word.
07:12No, that will complicate things.
07:15So, if we could change nut job to head case and head case to H word.
07:21We could record two versions.
07:22We could record three versions for super duper safety.
07:25Why don't you just put a warning sticker on the dust jacket?
07:28Contains trigger words.
07:30Ah, like parental guidance recommended kind of thing.
07:35I'd be like iced tea.
07:37But without all the cop killing.
07:39Yeah, that could work.
07:40Excellent idea, Dougray.
07:42Paul, order the stickers and have them print up some winner
07:45of the Bailey Gifford prize for non-fiction.
07:48Why are you about it?
07:50Continue, Dougray.
07:51Crack on.
07:52Sorry.
07:53Press on.
07:54Leith, 1985.
07:55I had the miscreant Connard in his bedsit hellhole.
07:59The sweat was pissing off the Dos Raj Ban.
08:03Oh, sorry.
08:05Sorry, Dougray.
08:06Two minutes.
08:06Got to take this.
08:07You answer to Hollywood.
08:08I answer to Hollywood.
08:11Justice Minister.
08:13Hello.
08:17Mr. Scott, as a slogan for a hen night sash, which sleighs better?
08:21The hen is a ten or the bride's a ride?
08:26Working hard, Chief?
08:28Always, Minister.
08:29Fighting crime 24-7.
08:32I heard you were recording your autobiography.
08:34Currently fighting crime through the medium of literature.
08:38Right, down to business.
08:39On to this safe drugs consumption facility.
08:42My deputy is drafting our statement even as we speak.
08:45Good.
08:46This is important for us.
08:47The FM wants our ducks in a row on this one.
08:50Even though some of our ducks are floating downstream, tripping off their beaks.
08:53Understood.
08:54When it comes to safe drugs consumption, we need to be playing the right mood to music.
08:58We'll blast.
08:59White lines don't do it outside the facility.
09:02But inside, it's sorted for ease and whiz.
09:05We're dancing to your tune, Minister.
09:06Glad to hear it, Chief.
09:08Good luck with the statement and good luck with your book.
09:10Good luck.
09:11Was Dickens lucky?
09:13Did he sclaf one in off the post?
09:16Ha!
09:17But, rest assured, Minister.
09:19Right now, this drug facility statement is my absolute number one top priority.
09:27It was a charity game.
09:29I passed to King Kenny and he said, Chief, you could have turned pro.
09:35Yes, I admit, mistakes were made.
09:38But they were someone else's mistakes.
09:40I learnt later that I am only one of seven people in the country who are privileged enough to call
09:46King Charles the Chuckstar.
09:49Excellent work, Dougray. We're flying.
09:52Now, moving on to one of the most famous cases in my long and distinguished career, when I single-handedly
09:58arrested notorious gang leader and psychobam, Wee Toldo McLeish.
10:03Wasn't that D.I. McPherson?
10:05No.
10:06No, why did you say that?
10:07Well, because I played McPherson in a BBC Two adaptation about that whole.
10:11That was a terrible series. Shocking research.
10:14Honestly, one call to me and I put them straight.
10:17It was me.
10:18I've cornered Wee Toldo in his pilton lair in your own time.
10:24I could hear Toldo's distinctive voice from within.
10:27Oh no, it's Meek.
10:28He's on his own.
10:29But Meek doesn't need backup, Ken.
10:31Meek's total barry and a swedge, Ken.
10:33Excuse me, Dougray.
10:34Sorry.
10:35Wee Toldo had a slightly higher voice than that.
10:38It was a wee bit more.
10:40Meek doesn't need backup, Ken.
10:41Meek's total barry and a swedge, Ken.
10:43Meek doesn't need backup, Ken.
10:45Meek's total barry and a swedge, Ken.
10:47Yeah, one more for Meek.
10:48And really lean into the nasal.
10:51Meek doesn't need backup, Ken.
10:53Meek's total barry and a swedge, Ken.
10:55Meek doesn't need backup, Ken.
10:57Meek's total barry and a swedge, Ken.
10:59That's the magic right there.
11:00And in this next bit, I just wanted to check this is what Wee Toldo actually said.
11:03It's very specific dialogue.
11:05Well, I have a photographic memory.
11:07Total recall.
11:08Okay, well you've got him cornered.
11:09He's looking at ten stretch minimum.
11:10And in the middle of being arrested, he said...
11:12How it's written is exactly what he said.
11:16Okay.
11:18As I cuffed him, the dodged rage considered my visage.
11:22I've only seen 40s of you before, Meekleson.
11:25They're much better looking in the flesh.
11:27Now you're cooking, big boy.
11:29Sorry, Chief.
11:30Could I have a word?
11:31Oh, sorry.
11:32Two ticks do great.
11:34Keep in there, though.
11:34Keep in there, though.
11:37So what's the problem now, Muldoon?
11:38It's a skag shed.
11:40The trip tenement.
11:41The gear ga.
11:41The bound bothy, yes.
11:42I'm finding it difficult to find the tone between supporting it and also pointing out
11:47we think it's pish.
11:48Okay, Muldoon.
11:49I think what this calls for is the old tried and tested pro-con thumb slalom.
11:55Thumb slalom, sir?
11:55Willing to support the initiative.
11:58Thumb up.
11:59Legitimate concerns.
12:01Thumb down.
12:02Need supporting data.
12:03Thumb in the middle.
12:05Don't just come out and say we support the initiative.
12:08Contextualise it.
12:09Do the fudge.
12:11Fudge it.
12:12Aye, right, sir.
12:13Take my word for it.
12:15I've been thumbing for years.
12:18Ah, mad Daisy.
12:20Shouldn't it be crazy, Daisy?
12:28Eh, chief.
12:29Just not quite sure how to pronounce this word here.
12:32Eh, scud-gay-goey.
12:35I know.
12:35That's quite straightforward.
12:37It's a bam for what school did you go to.
12:40Scudgy-goey.
12:41Rising at the end.
12:42Scudgy-goey.
12:43Scudgy-goey.
12:44Scudgy-goey.
12:46A little quicker.
12:47Scudgy-goey.
12:47Scudgy-goey.
12:48Scudgy-goey.
12:50Okay, let's break it down.
12:51Scoo.
12:52Scoo.
12:52J-go-ey.
12:54Put it together.
12:55Scudgy-goey.
12:55Scudgy-goey.
12:56No, scudgy-goey.
12:57That's what I'm saying.
12:58I'm saying scudgy-goey.
13:00Listen, I am fluent in bam.
13:02Oh, so am I.
13:03We had a bam a lot coach on Irvin Welsh's crime.
13:05With respect.
13:07We're dealing with real policing here,
13:09not some fictional flim-flam.
13:11I learnt it at source.
13:13On the mean streets of Pilton.
13:15Not doing a duelingo course in my suite at the Balmoral.
13:18Right.
13:20One more time.
13:23Scudgy-goey.
13:25Scudgy-goey.
13:28Scudgy-goey.
13:28That's the one.
13:33Quick while we're ahead.
13:34The boy's seen better days.
13:36He's a couple of years from Panto, this one.
13:39Eh, I can hear you.
13:41Talk bag's open.
13:43Sorry.
13:44Too great.
13:44I mean one of the mega-pantos.
13:46The hydro.
13:47You wouldn't be kicking about Gercoddy.
13:51I make no apologies for the way I am.
13:53I'm sorry.
13:55That's just how it is.
13:56At the charity event,
13:58Bob McIntyre admired my drive and remarked,
14:01You could have turned pro, Chief.
14:04This was 1980s policing.
14:07Did we sometimes use force?
14:09Yes.
14:10Did we sometimes bend the rules?
14:12Yes.
14:13But did we get results?
14:15Sometimes.
14:16Okay, do agree with that.
14:18One eye on the clock here.
14:19We need to pick up the pace a little bit.
14:20Be sure to give this section the sensuality it deserves.
14:25In your own time.
14:28As Barbara looked at me,
14:30I knew she had one thing on her mind.
14:32Cop-ulation.
14:34And I was a lucky cop.
14:37Dougary, I just wanted to check that you were comfortable
14:40with this level of erotica.
14:42I'm trained in sensitive scenarios at the workplace.
14:46I'm happy to act as an intimacy coordinator.
14:48He's fine.
14:50Dougary got the little fella out in a thousand kisses deep.
14:52This is base camp for Dougary.
14:54So you did.
14:55Erm...
14:55It's fine.
14:56I've got everything I need.
14:57I'm happy to push on.
15:03My resistance was futile.
15:05I gave myself utterly to Barbara.
15:07If my body was Edinburgh Castle,
15:09I surrendered it to this one woman invading force.
15:12She mounted my battlements.
15:14Traversed my turrets.
15:16Ravished my ramparts.
15:17Went up my mound.
15:18And then she stoked my one o'clock gun.
15:20My cannon was cocked.
15:22Primed to explode.
15:23Bursting to boom.
15:25Detonating hot balls of bliss.
15:28Barbara, my femme fatale.
15:31Barbara?
15:32Yes?
15:33He's here.
15:34It's Barbara.
15:35Why is it Barbara?
15:37Because I sent her the manuscript to make sure she was comfortable with everything.
15:40Well, obviously I was going to...
15:41Why did you have to do...
15:44Er...
15:44Barbara!
15:45Hello.
15:47I've just finished reading your manuscript and I'm really not sure about some of it.
15:52Really?
15:52Why?
15:53It's very personal.
15:55Intimate.
15:55You describe our sex life.
15:57Yeah, but in glowing terms, you come out of it very well, very professional.
16:01In the physical descriptions?
16:03My nipples.
16:05Like too ripe in purpled cherries.
16:08Yeah, well look.
16:09Listen to Dougray saying it.
16:10Dougray, would you mind?
16:12Her nipples.
16:14Like too ripe in purpled cherries.
16:16You happy now?
16:19Well, now...
16:19Now that I hear it.
16:21Yes, it's fine.
16:22It's just that I was hearing it in your annoying, plummy, pompous voice.
16:26Paso profundo.
16:28Whereas Dougray's Mellifloes Tons make it sound romantic.
16:31Let me speak to him.
16:35Nice to meet you, Dougray.
16:36Oh, so you're Barbara.
16:38Well, it's nice finally to put a face to the...
16:40The cherries?
16:40Aye.
16:42So how are you finding it?
16:44Inhabiting the people's chief.
16:46Well, I did play Moses, so...
16:49Yeah.
16:49He only had ten commandments.
16:52Look, we're running a bit behind schedule here.
16:55Dougray's got a flight to catch.
16:57To get back to his wife.
17:00Carry on, Dougray.
17:01In your time.
17:03Barbara, my femme fatale.
17:05My Glaswegian goddess.
17:07Our passion was such that we didn't even attempt to tidy away the hotel binder of promotional leaflets
17:12for various Borders attractions that littered the bed.
17:14I will remember later that evening peeling a two-for-one voucher for the St Boswell's donkey sanctuary from Barbara's
17:21sweat-drenched buttock.
17:23Barbara vocalised her pleasure by joyously uttering...
17:28I'm sorry, Chief. Could you...
17:29Could you get out of my eye, like?
17:31Yeah. Is it maybe just a little bit too erotic with the principle in view?
17:37Aye.
17:37Maybe you could step outside.
17:39Happy to do so.
17:41You wouldn't be the first man to feel diminished in my presence, Dougray.
17:48Barbara vocalised her pleasure by joyously uttering the chorus from Blurr's Song 2.
17:54Woo-hoo.
17:59In Barbara, I knew I had found my forever girl until we got divorced in 2017.
18:06A very sensitive read, Dougray. Especially the more startling metaphors.
18:12We aim to please.
18:15Before the Chief gets back, could we get that video for my sister just quickly? Two secs.
18:21Okay. Hi. What's her name again?
18:23Daisy.
18:25And... action.
18:27Hi, Daisy. Dougray here. Just wanted to wish you all the best with your old nuptials.
18:31And if it doesn't work out, you know where to find me.
18:35Cut perfect. She is gonna love that.
18:37And, er, Mr. Scott, a selfie with your director.
18:42Okay. Okay. If everybody could just quietly and calmly make their way to the muster station.
18:48Sorry. Sorry.
18:49Anyone, apologies. Apologies. My bad. False alarm.
18:53False alarm. My bad. I set it off by accident.
18:57I thought it was the soap dispenser, so...
19:01Apologies.
19:03Probably just have to ride it out, you know.
19:07No point recording anything, Will. This racket's...
19:16Oh. I think we're good. I think we're good, Dougray. Okay.
19:21Homestretch. Chapter 19. The Tayside Steakout.
19:28Midnight. In Monifeth.
19:30The boy for Scythe turned to me and said,
19:32I couldn't eat another pie if you paid me.
19:34Sorry, Dougray. Stop me there.
19:40It's written pie.
19:41It said pie.
19:42I say pie.
19:43We pay you to say pay.
19:44Well, you're not pieing me enough to say pay.
19:46And the pie of Fizz, you're talking shit.
19:49The boy for Scythe turned to me and said,
19:51I couldn't eat another pie.
19:53Sorry, sorry, Dougray. Hold it.
19:55Nah, it's probably...
19:56Yep, Justice Minister.
19:57Sorry, it'll be two minutes.
19:58Don't let him say pie.
19:59No pie.
20:00No pie.
20:02It's on the website now.
20:03The Scottish Police Force fully supports the government's safe drug consumption facilities,
20:07providing a safe space where people can safely consume drugs in the presence of trained health professionals.
20:13But any burnout junkie fuds and jekies are reminded that anywhere else in Scotland is business as usual.
20:20And then some.
20:22Sir, that's me away.
20:24I trust an amendment will be forthcoming?
20:26Yes, apologies, Minister.
20:28A little bit of a glitch at our end.
20:30Autocorrect's going a little bit haywire.
20:32But we'll sort it out.
20:33Don't you worry, Minister.
20:35Those are fuds and jekies.
20:36Thumb up, thumb down.
20:38I'm just thumbing it.
20:38Well, you're thumbing too hard.
20:40Pull out, pull back.
20:41More and middle thumb?
20:42Yeah, less.
20:43Now, sort it.
20:49So just take one photo with a thistle symbolising the Earth's precious resources.
20:53Have you ever heard of a pressure group called the Carbonistas?
20:57I do care passionately about the planet.
20:59It's just that all my charity work is done through my early agents.
21:04Right, Dougray, we'll pick it up from...
21:07Oh, Dougray, this is my daughter, Ellen.
21:10Ellen, a word, please.
21:12Why are you here?
21:14Dougray has been in some big-budget films with massive carbon footprints.
21:17If he came out as anti-air travel, that would be...
21:20What's he going to do?
21:21Tweet about it on the Carmack ferry crossing from our dross on the Sunset Boulevard?
21:25Forget Dougray.
21:27Target some proper A-listers.
21:28Oh!
21:29Do you want to show me your BAFTA chief or your Emmy?
21:32Beat Cop of the Year.
21:34Ninety-one to ninety-three.
21:37National or regional?
21:40Midlothian.
21:42Right, I'll see you later. Come on, we've got a lot to do.
21:45Do you not want to stay for your mention?
21:47My mention?
21:48Aye, well, when you were a baby you threw up on the chief's dress uniform,
21:51so you had to go and meet Nelson Mandela in his shirt sleeves.
21:53Styled it out.
21:55Nelson went shirt no jacket too.
21:57It was a minor triumph.
21:57It was at the front page of the Sunday Herald.
21:59That's it.
22:00That's my mention one puke.
22:05Mikkelsen Ellen threw up on father's jacket page 47.
22:08No, no.
22:09There's whole sections you haven't seen yet.
22:11Oh.
22:12All about you.
22:13In fact, we're about to record them now.
22:15Aren't we do great?
22:20You've got children, right?
22:21Aye, three.
22:22Twins and the wee fella.
22:23And do you improvise?
22:25Oh, it's with my skillset if the situation's urgent.
22:28The situation is urgent.
22:31Jesus, Chief.
22:32Do you want me to write your book now as well?
22:35I'd be really grateful.
22:37I can't guarantee a writer's credit though.
22:40Sorry.
22:41And so, the baby that I loved from the moment I set eyes on her,
22:47grew up to be an inspirational young woman,
22:51a firebrand, a passionate activist who cares about our precious planet.
22:57I could not be prouder of my daughter.
23:01I have known many triumphs as a man and as a chief,
23:06but the, um, the greatest achievement of my life
23:11is simply being a father to Ellen.
23:17I'm gone.
23:18I think that's the chapter I'm most proud of having written.
23:22It's almost like someone else wrote it.
23:24Well, I like to vary styles.
23:26Thanks, Dad.
23:29Thanks, Duggery, for that reading. Beautiful.
23:33And a nice preamble to the Big Mandela meeting
23:36and my shirt sleeves triumph.
23:37Right, come on, everyone. Chop, chop.
23:39I kept in touch and every year on his birthday
23:42I sent Nelson Mandela a tin of Moffat Toffee.
23:46Okay, that's chapter 22 done.
23:48Chapter 23, go!
23:50Oh, that'll be my gear for the hen knight. Thank you.
23:53Okay. Duggery, go!
23:55Throughout my life I have broken breadless royalty and ragamuffins alike.
23:59That's the statement sorted and approved, sir.
24:01Two thumbs up for the thumb slalom.
24:03Ah, good to know, but we're up against it here, Muldoon.
24:06Honestly, it's turning into Mission Impossible.
24:08That's where I know you from.
24:10I thought you were Obi-Wan Kenobi, but that's that other rag.
24:14Ah, pure loved Mission Impossible, by the way.
24:17But can I ask, who was your armourer?
24:19Because, say, your stance, it should be a little so. No?
24:22Thanks for the feedback. I'll be sure to tell Tom.
24:25Tom?
24:25Who's?
24:26Wee-Boys.
24:28Ah, that's right.
24:29Everybody in Hollywood calls them wee-Boys.
24:30Ah, well, if you'd done your stance right, you might actually shot wee-Boys at the end of MI2.
24:35Muldoon, thank you very much, but Tempus Fugits, if you could.
24:38The Royal Story. Action!
24:42Murrayfield was rocking.
24:44Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
24:45This royal anecdote could be problematic.
24:48Oh, problematic? How?
24:49We might have to redact her identity. She is a fairly well-known royal.
24:55Erm...
24:56Oh, we really need to go. Hiya, everybody!
24:58Chief, I'm sorry, Daisy's hand to her. I need to head off.
25:02Right, Duggery, just, er, just redact her name. Okay?
25:06Royal Story. Action!
25:08Murrayfield was rocking.
25:10Scotland had secured a glorious victory,
25:12and leading the sing-song high in the stands was Redacted Anne.
25:16Actually, no, hearing it, Duggery, it's not right.
25:18Let's go with the Princess Redacted.
25:21No!
25:22No, that is it. I am done!
25:24What do you mean done?
25:25You're not done!
25:27I have worked with difficult directors.
25:29Autocrats, tyrants, dictators,
25:31I've been naked on a muddy swamp at minus two degrees,
25:33I've trained for six months to be a boxer,
25:35wrestled crocodiles, I've kissed Bobby Carlyle,
25:37I've done my own stunts for 26 hours straight with wee-boss screws,
25:39but nothing, and nobody has ever given me this level of shit!
25:45Duggery! Duggery!
25:46We've still got forty-five minutes left.
25:48Three chapters to go.
25:50We can fit it all in if you speak really fast.
25:52We can slow it down in the edit.
25:53Look!
25:54It's about all the crimes in the future that now will not be committed.
25:56That's my legacy, that's Meagelsonism!
25:57How about this?
25:58I go to the airport, have a nice chilled out-of-fire present in the lounge,
26:00then got on my flight to LA.
26:01I'm walking.
26:03You do that, and I am straight on the phone to Fergus at the Publishers.
26:07Fergus, my old school friend Fergus.
26:09Fergus, my best man.
26:10Fergus, the guy that I agreed to do this big favour for, that Fergus!
26:12What are you talking about?
26:13Do you really think I'd agree to have my name associated with this?
26:16Doggrove!
26:17Huh?
26:17Are you going through town, Mr. Scott?
26:20Could you drop us at the Voodoo Lounge?
26:22There's two chances of that, Paul.
26:24None.
26:24And fuck all!
26:27Drive!
26:31For another 500 quid we could have got Big Jerry Butler!
26:36My friend knows the wee tubby guy on breakfast radio.
26:40I need someone with my sense of intelligence, command, gravitas.
26:50Cometh the hour, cometh the meek.
26:54I was born in the Royal Hospital for the Incurably Handsome in 1972.
27:01As I entered the world, every bam in the land felt an involuntary shudder of fear course through their body.
27:09To be continued.
27:09Amen.
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