- 2 days ago
Return of the Mac Season 1 Episode 7: An Offer Joe Can't Refuse
When Joe is forced to book his own celebrity guests, he finds out there's a daytime mafia controlling the booking of celebrities.
Director: Henry Chan
Writer: Paul Greenberg
Stars: Joey McIntyreAdam RayJamie Denbo
When Joe is forced to book his own celebrity guests, he finds out there's a daytime mafia controlling the booking of celebrities.
Director: Henry Chan
Writer: Paul Greenberg
Stars: Joey McIntyreAdam RayJamie Denbo
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Moving to daytime, I'm glad we all agree.
00:02No, we don't agree.
00:03I quit.
00:04You're fired.
00:05You don't mean that.
00:06I know you, and you don't mean that.
00:08He's not coming.
00:09Unbelievable.
00:10The very first, Joey Clutch.
00:12Kind of big, isn't it?
00:13It's not a competition, Barrett.
00:14I think we can both be in the fashion industry.
00:17I'm a jerk-off.
00:18You're a jerk.
00:18I'm just trying to get home on my applique, and I'm a jerk-off.
00:21No, no, he's on Celebrity Tantrum.
00:26What the f-
00:27Joseph, welcome to your intervention.
00:29I am not coming back.
00:35All right, buddy.
00:36Have a good practice.
00:37Why the long face?
00:38I don't really want to play soccer anymore.
00:41What?
00:41You love soccer.
00:42All our coach does is yell, I want to quit.
00:45Griff, just because you've got a tough coach doesn't mean you can quit.
00:48And more importantly, you've got to be there for your friends.
00:50Uncle Alex is your friend, and you're not there for him.
00:53Wow, that's different, okay?
00:56Alex is part of my team, and-
00:57Like a soccer team.
00:59Just get out there.
01:00I want to do what you do, Dad.
01:02Well, you're a great singer.
01:03And if you keep practicing, you're going to be amazing.
01:06Not singing.
01:07I want to sit on the couch all day and do arts and crafts.
01:10That's not arts and crafts.
01:12I'm launching a purse line from that couch.
01:15And you get to eat cold hot dogs right out of the package.
01:19Mom would never let me do that.
01:21Look, Dad's not working right now because I don't like the way I'm being treated at the Comfy Channel, so
01:26I'm taking a stand.
01:28I don't like getting yelled at, so I'm going to take a stand and quit soccer.
01:31That's not what I mean.
01:34Okay, it is what I mean, but listen.
01:36Okay, if you play soccer, I'll give you a cold hot dog.
01:39Yes.
01:40Just don't tell Mom.
01:43Jeez, Louise.
01:44Hey, McIntyre.
01:45Practice started five minutes ago, and not whenever you goddamn well feel like it.
01:49Listen, David.
01:50I know you're a big-time Hollywood agent.
01:52Yeah, and I wreck people a lot bigger than you are.
01:54Okay, well, I'm probably used to yelling at your assistants, but maybe you can take it down a couple of
01:58notches with the kids.
01:59They're getting a little upset.
02:00Oh, so you think I should take it down a notch or two?
02:03It's actually a pretty good idea.
02:05So, instead of doing soccer drills, what if we just gave them soft little bunnies to pet and lollipops for
02:09doing such a great job of losing?
02:11Because that's all they're going to be is a bunch of losers, McIntyre.
02:15Is that what you want?
02:16Do you even have a kid here?
02:18No, man.
02:19I do this for the love of the game.
02:20Is that allowed?
02:21Use your face!
02:23What the...
02:25Idiots.
02:26I'll be up in the stands.
02:27Okay, why don't you just go back up in the stands where you belong with the other parents.
02:32Leave the coaching to the real experts here.
02:36Man, I hope I didn't strain my yelling voice.
02:38What are you looking at?
02:39Ah, laps!
02:40You lap!
02:41You lap!
02:42You laps!
02:43I'm Joey McIntyre.
02:45You know, the little guy from New Kids on the Block.
02:47Since then, I've had my ups, and I've had my downs.
02:50But I know I can make it, with the love of my family, hard work, and maybe better management.
02:58Honey, we're out of hot dogs.
03:01Jill, what are you doing here?
03:03Without a shirt.
03:05Oh, hey, honey.
03:07Joe, I never knew your wife was so good with her hands.
03:11Ah, right.
03:12Jill asked me and Quinn to dress him for the promo tour for his new film.
03:16Ooh, film, huh?
03:17When Quentin called.
03:19Tarantino, really?
03:20Joe read for him once.
03:22Ah, they put me on tape.
03:23So, what's new in Joe's world?
03:25Um, taking some time off and, uh, getting back into my maxi clutch line, but, uh...
03:31Barry told me what they did to your talk show.
03:33Very cool, this business.
03:35It's just like the grape.
03:37Some of yours is so sweet and wonderful.
03:42Other of yours, it just withers on the vine.
03:47Actually, my show's not 100% withered.
03:49Really?
03:50I thought you were done with comfy.
03:51Well, you know, they've got to make some changes, but, uh, haven't totally ruled out going back.
03:57In my country, when the man stays home and the wife works, it's not good.
04:07All right, take these new pants for a spin, huh?
04:10Oh.
04:11Four.
04:12Oh, just the right grab and flexibility where he counts.
04:17I'm talking about the crotch.
04:18I hope so.
04:24What's your present, babe?
04:26Alex, are you in there?
04:28Joe?
04:28Yeah.
04:29Uh, yeah, just one second, man.
04:39Come in.
04:44Dr. Dre, you are the funniest dude I've ever talked to.
04:48Yeah.
04:49No, you're the man.
04:50You're the man.
04:51I gotta go.
04:51Joey McIntyre just walked in.
04:53Peace!
04:54That wasn't Dr. Dre.
04:57Yeah, it was.
04:58Alex, I know you're the one who's been washing my car every night.
05:02What?
05:02That is crazy, Joe.
05:04Why would I have not been washing your car?
05:07Look, I want to apologize for the way I treated you.
05:10You're more than a manager.
05:12You're a friend.
05:13And in your own way, you've always been there for me.
05:16So, I'm sorry.
05:21I agree with all that, but I also want to apologize for suggesting that you be a talk
05:27show host.
05:28What was I thinking?
05:29Joey McIntyre, talk show host?
05:31You're an actor and a damn good one.
05:33Thank you, but I'm going back to the show.
05:37Which is why I think you should go back to the talk show.
05:40Are you really going back?
05:41I'm going back.
05:42My kid thinks I'm doing arts and crafts on the couch.
05:45And that's not good.
05:48Does that mean that you need me to...
05:51Yes, that means that at this point, I can't do it without you.
05:58Thank you so much.
06:00It has been a rough couple of weeks with a capital R.
06:04I've eaten.
06:04I haven't slept.
06:05Every now and then, I get this weird, like, twitch in the side of my head where I just,
06:10like, do that.
06:13Welcome back, buddy.
06:15Welcome back.
06:23I'm going to be the best damn manager you ever had.
06:26You can stop by putting some pants on.
06:28Don't tell me how to live my life, Joe.
06:35Popping bottles tonight.
06:37Hey, Susie.
06:40Joe, I thought I'd never see you again.
06:42I mean, I see you all the time in my dreams.
06:45Don't worry.
06:46They're rated G.
06:47It's mostly just you and me working my loom.
06:51What?
06:52Oh, I see your Joey doll's got a new friend.
06:54Well, it's not me, if that's what you were thinking.
06:56I mean, it could be anybody, really.
06:59Wow.
07:00Whoever it is.
07:01Looks like she's having a good time.
07:03Oh, she is.
07:04She doesn't really get to get out much.
07:06She has a very strict mother who doesn't let her watch TV or talk to boys.
07:10Oh, it looks like you made a mess.
07:13I'm so embarrassed.
07:16I'm so sorry.
07:17On behalf of management, please accept this free dessert.
07:21Oh, that's my favorite.
07:23I know.
07:26So, this is totally normal, but, Joe, we have a meeting.
07:30Joseph, we are so glad you've come back to your senses and returned to the warm, heaving bosom of the
07:36comfy embrace.
07:37We're just happy you're back where you belong.
07:39Well, I'm not back yet.
07:40There's got to be some changes made.
07:42My client has some demands, okay?
07:45And if they're not met, we're walking right out that door.
07:49Capiche?
07:50Easy, Jerry Maguire.
07:52He's right, though.
07:54If this is going to move forward, we're going to do it my way.
07:56Joe, we want to do whatever it takes to make this work.
07:59And I want to do anything to make this work.
08:02Anytime, anywhere.
08:04You just say when.
08:05I'm ready.
08:05Okay.
08:06And I'm meeting.
08:06Give it to me straight, Joseph.
08:08The way that my ex-husband did before he came out.
08:10I want Chris Kirkpatrick back as my musical director.
08:14Done.
08:14Fatone, too.
08:15He's a great sidekick.
08:16No argument here.
08:17Everybody loves Fatone.
08:18And I want my skits and bits like you promised.
08:21Well, now you're just talking crazy.
08:22How about skits or bits?
08:26Skits and bits or no deal.
08:29Sit down.
08:31Sorry.
08:32All right.
08:33You drive a hard bargain, Joseph.
08:35But we accept.
08:37And we bring it back to late night.
08:38Wonderful.
08:40Except the show stays in daytime.
08:41Then no deal.
08:42Joe, we would love to be able to give you everything you want.
08:44But after you quit on us, we moved an infomercial into the late night spot.
08:48And it is killing.
08:49It's for the zippity do-it-yourself zipper installer.
08:53It puts zippers on literally everything.
08:56Everything.
08:58Okay.
08:59I need a moment to confer with my client.
09:02Joe?
09:05P.S.
09:05That zipper thing sucks.
09:06I have it.
09:07Peas and carrots.
09:08Peas and carrots.
09:09Peas and carrots.
09:10Peas and carrots.
09:10What are you doing?
09:11It's a negotiation tactic.
09:13They think we're talking about something serious right now.
09:15It's just gibberish.
09:16They don't know.
09:17Now you say,
09:17Rhubarb.
09:18Rhubarb.
09:19And I'll be like,
09:19Yeah.
09:21All right.
09:22We have discussed it.
09:23Joe?
09:25If I have creative control,
09:27I guess we can keep it at daytime.
09:29You got a deal.
09:29Whee!
09:30Ah!
09:32Oh!
09:36Okay.
09:38Okay.
09:41So, where do we start?
09:42Well, if we are going to make a dent with this show,
09:46we need to focus on booking some big celebrity names.
09:49I couldn't agree more.
09:50What do you got for me?
09:51Oh, well, no.
09:51That's not our department.
09:52No.
09:53You can just call some of your famous friends.
09:56I don't have famous friends.
09:58Ah!
09:59You'll think of someone.
10:07It is soccer!
10:09You can't use your hands, morons!
10:13I...
10:13If I stroke out,
10:15you're all just going to be doing laps.
10:18Hey, David.
10:19Oh, great.
10:20This guy's back.
10:20What the hell do you want, McIntyre?
10:22Just kick it!
10:24How's the coaching going?
10:28I can't feel the left side of my face,
10:29so I would say not well.
10:31Ah, kids these days,
10:33they don't listen, huh?
10:34What would you know about it?
10:35You're never out here coaching McIntyre.
10:37Oh!
10:38You know, I'd like to,
10:39but as you may have heard,
10:40I'm starting a brand new talk show
10:42on the Comfy Channel.
10:43I never heard of it.
10:44And the answer's no.
10:46Can you at least let me finish the question?
10:49Joe!
10:52Why don't I finish it for you?
10:54Oh, Mr. Big Time Hollywood Agent,
10:57may I please help one of your A-list celebrities
11:00to help me with my lame-ass TV show?
11:04Signed, everybody in Hollywood.
11:06Well, the answer's still no.
11:08Okay, okay, okay, I get it.
11:10I get it.
11:11People are probably asking you for favors all the time
11:13because you're a big-time Hollywood power player.
11:16Well, that's true.
11:18All right, now you got my attention.
11:19I need a big name for the premiere.
11:21I mean, I want to make a splash for the first show,
11:23and with all your amazing clients,
11:25I thought you could maybe make a call.
11:27So you get a huge star.
11:29What's in it for me?
11:31Happy birthday to Sophia.
11:35Sexier.
11:37Happy birthday to you.
11:46That's 11 takes.
11:48I think we got it, right?
11:49I guess that one will have to do.
11:51So we got a deal.
11:52You gonna find me an amazing guest for the first show?
11:55100% guaranteed in stone.
11:58Amazing.
11:58Thank you so much, and I hope your wife loves it.
12:00My wife?
12:01No.
12:02It's my cleaning lady's birthday.
12:03She's a huge Backstreet Boys fan.
12:19What's going on here?
12:20Joseph, join us.
12:22We are celebrating.
12:23Celebrating that you finally found a shirt?
12:25Wait till you taste the one in Argentina.
12:28Argentina?
12:29Hmm?
12:29Jill asked me and Quinn to go on location with him.
12:32In Argentina.
12:33But I haven't said yes yet.
12:34Oh, you will.
12:36No woman can resist me.
12:37Oh, I'm pretty sure this woman can.
12:40I will not take no for an answer.
12:42She's the only one I trust, handling my pants.
12:45He means fitting his pants.
12:47Jill, I'm flattered, but three weeks is a long time to be away from the kids.
12:53Thanks.
12:53Oh, and you too, Joe.
12:55Ah, gee, thanks.
12:57Don't worry.
12:58Jill always gets his way.
13:00And congratulations, Joe.
13:02Barry tells me that you're no longer a househusband.
13:05Ah, yep.
13:06Back to work.
13:08Actually, just secured my first big guest for the premiere.
13:10Oh, who is it?
13:12So big, I probably shouldn't even tell you.
13:14Oh, well, cheers, my friend.
13:15This is great news.
13:19What?
13:20Come on, put your backs into it.
13:22How do you expect to learn how to play soccer if you don't even know how to pack a truck?
13:25Oh, ****.
13:26All right, hey, go find your parents.
13:28Okie doke.
13:30Hey.
13:32What's going on?
13:32You bailed on me?
13:33What happened?
13:34I can't talk about it.
13:35We had a deal.
13:36I sang the song.
13:37Look, there are people in this town even more powerful than me, and you're not allowed to just do anything
13:41you want to do.
13:42You're not allowed.
13:43It's just one guest.
13:45Do yourself a favor, newbie.
13:46If you don't know how to play the game, then step away from the table.
13:51You're not wired, are you?
14:01Don't even, don't even think about it.
14:02We have four seconds.
14:03Donnie, please.
14:04Hey, welcome back to the Jenny McCarthy Show.
14:05I'm Jenny McCarthy Wahlberg.
14:06In studio with me is Donnie Wahlberg.
14:08Hi.
14:09My co-host.
14:10We're talking to women who name their vaginas really cute names.
14:13What's your cute vagina name, Cindy?
14:15Joe.
14:16Joey's not cute.
14:17This guy promised me an amazing first guest, Donnie, and then he bails on me.
14:21Okay.
14:21Slow down, buddy.
14:23Buddy!
14:23Now that's a cute one.
14:25Someone told him he couldn't do it, that it wasn't allowed.
14:27Daytime TV can be rough.
14:29I just want that one great guest to kick off the whole show.
14:33And I would be happy to be that guest, Joe, but I'm tied up with Blue Bloods.
14:36Blue Bloods?
14:37Gross.
14:38How about I ask Jenny?
14:39No, no, no, no, no.
14:39Don't ask Jenny.
14:40No, no, no.
14:41Will you be a guest on Joey's talk show?
14:45Is she laughing?
14:46She's not laughing at you.
14:47Look.
14:48Yes, I am.
14:48I have a friend in daytime.
14:50A real powerhouse.
14:52Powerhouse.
14:53Love that strong vagina name.
14:55Now, they can be a little intimidating, but don't worry.
14:57I'll put in a good word for you, okay?
14:59What do you mean by intimidating?
15:10Hello?
15:16Hey, Ayesha.
15:18I...
15:28It seems all right.
15:31Have a seat, Joe.
15:40You should try the Gouda.
15:42We have a guy who flies in fresh every morning from the Netherlands.
15:47Wow.
15:48Uh, I'll pass.
15:50But, Ayesha, thank you so much for meeting with me.
15:54And Donnie might have told you I'm starting my own daytime talk show, so...
15:59I am aware.
16:00Well, I had an amazing guest for my first show, but then, out of nowhere, he just bails on me.
16:06I'm not sure why.
16:08I can see why you'd be confused, being so new to the scene.
16:13The scene?
16:15Daytime.
16:16You see, Joe, in daytime, things are done a certain way.
16:21I mean, you like soup, right?
16:26Sure.
16:26I like soup.
16:27Everybody likes soup, Joe.
16:30All right, so, imagine that this bowl of soup is all of daytime TV, all right?
16:35And this matzo ball right here.
16:38This is that big, fancy guest you booked for your show, all right?
16:42And everybody wants this guy, because he gets huge ratings.
16:45He's a big star.
16:46Everybody goes home rich.
16:47They buy their kids new lips for their birthdays.
16:49But what do you do?
16:50You go out and you book this guy all by your lonesome.
16:54And then what happens?
16:56You make a mess.
16:58You made a mess, Joe.
17:01But I'm going to clean it up for you, because I like you.
17:04You got chutzpah.
17:05Okay, well.
17:06What do I do?
17:07I mean, I need a guest.
17:08I need a guest.
17:09What am I going to do?
17:10I need a guest.
17:11Why don't you grow some matzo balls, Joe?
17:14Huh?
17:14There's no crying in daytime television.
17:17I'll tell you what.
17:18I'll make some calls.
17:20I'll find you a great guest for your first week.
17:22How do you feel about Jerry O'Connell?
17:25My wife loves him.
17:27Everybody's wife loves Jerry O'Connell, Joe.
17:30My wife loves Jerry O'Connell.
17:33I'm going to clean this up for you, Joe.
17:35And then someday, maybe I'm going to call on you to clean something for me.
17:40Thank you so much.
17:42And whatever it is, I'll be there.
17:45And this looks amazing, by the way.
17:48You're not ready for a matzo ball that big, Joe.
17:51I'll get you some small matzo balls that fit in a baby's hand.
17:56You can go.
17:57Oh, okay.
17:58Yeah.
18:00Thanks.
18:07Wow, smells so good in here.
18:10Right?
18:10Well, I know you've been working so hard with Quinn, so I decided to make my famous Joe Mac grilled
18:17ham and cheese.
18:18Yum.
18:19Yeah.
18:20Where are the kids?
18:21Oh, Flan took them to a documentary, something about genetically modified mushrooms.
18:26Oh.
18:26Yeah, add some champagne.
18:28Are we celebrating?
18:29More like an apology for my crazy, kooky behavior last couple weeks.
18:36And I just want to thank you for everything you do for us and the kids and I don't know
18:42what I'd do without you.
18:43I don't want to hate.
18:45But you don't want me to go to Argentina, do you?
18:49No.
18:50No, go.
18:50Yes, I want you to go.
18:52Do I want you to go with a shirtless French actor?
18:56No.
18:57But this is going to be great for your career.
18:59Hey, because if you want me to go, I'm going to go.
19:02Well, go.
19:03Go, go, go.
19:04Okay, I am.
19:05And then go.
19:06After that, go.
19:07Keep going.
19:08Really go?
19:09Go.
19:11More good news.
19:13I confirmed my first guest for the show.
19:15Amazing.
19:15Who is it?
19:16Joey O'Connell.
19:17Yeah, I love him.
19:18I know.
19:18Oh, I'm still going to do one more thing before I close the deal.
19:32I'm not sure the Speedo is necessary, but I appreciate the guests.
19:36You missed a spot.
19:42Turn around.
19:48Lower.
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