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00:20Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and anyone who doesn't identify with those rather narrow
00:25definitions of a human being, welcome along to Seven Days, I'm your host, my name is Jeremy
00:28Corbett. Tonight we will look back at the week of news and test these six clever comedians on what's
00:33stuck in their brilliant brains. Let's meet them, shall we? Leader of Team One is currently touring
00:37the country on his stick tour. Go look that up. It's the roll-on deodorant that put on a shirt
00:42and
00:42became a real man, Paul Ego. Thank you, Geoffrey Crayfish. We've got a great team on Team One
00:53tonight. First of all, someone who's smashing comedy despite that voice and somebody who's
00:58smashing comedy despite that face. Yes, it's Becky Umbers and Josh Thompson. Yeah. Wow.
01:06Holy cow. Wow. Hey, it's March, which the leader of Team Two claims is an actual sport, while
01:13Hayley Sproul. How dare you call them something like that, everyone knows. Anyway, listen, I'm a little bit
01:20nervous to be the captain of Team Two tonight because she's currently pregnant and his wife
01:25is currently pregnant. So I really want them to keep their fertile seeds away from me. It's
01:30Elyse MacLeod Whiting and Tony Lyra. Well, disappointing teams, but that'll make a disappointing night.
01:39Here we go. Newsmakers is where we start this week. We talk about the two biggest news stories
01:43of the week. Actually, might just skip over the biggest news story, eh? Go straight to the others.
01:48Team One. You get to fill in the blanks in this situation. Have a look at this. This is your
01:54cue
01:54for a news story. Fill in the blank and tell me what the story is. Why is it a newsmaker?
01:59Um, is it Corbett's search history? Oh, looks like Tomo's getting on the show a little bit more
02:05often now. Interesting. Always delete it. Would you pay $360 for your family back?
02:15Uh, is the answer $500 worth of meat? You can in some places.
02:22I did see something this week that was around the $300-ish mark. A story a couple of days ago
02:29about,
02:30it was prices for camping like next summer and how exorbitant they become. So is it maybe that?
02:36Ah, yeah. Well done, Paul. The price of camping in New Zealand is getting out of hand. Reports of a
02:40beachside campground setting you back almost $360 for a single night. Many are crying foul,
02:46claiming the classic Kiwi camping dream is dying. Man, things have really changed, haven't they?
02:51I remember just a few years ago when you could find a nice camping spot on Parliament Lawn.
02:56That's all gone up in flames. And they had all those cool activities.
02:59Yes! Fireworks fights wrecked up. And the music was pumping. Oh, such a good vibe.
03:06Whatever happened to those days? Oh, it just all went up in flames.
03:10Like, the prices have gone up. Like, seriously, when I was young, you could go camping for like
03:15a week for $40. I went like on a scout camp for $40. Most of the time was spent hiding
03:20though.
03:22Do you feel like now that it's so expensive, it'll just be rich people camping and kind of
03:26cosplaying as, like poverty cosplay. Yeah. For like $360, experience the unique thrill of
03:32homelessness or something. Yeah, the unique thrill of the government going, move on, move on.
03:37Isn't it thrilling, darling? They'd be explaining to their rich friends,
03:39it's like glamping, only for poverty. Yes. I was legitimately cold all night. I was legitimately cold.
03:45Just talking to their neighbours, they're like, what's the thread count on your tent?
03:49We bought owls from Kath Mandu. Not the store, Richard Mandu's wife, Kath.
03:55She sells the most amazing tents, Kath. But $360 is a lot for a campsite. You'd think there'd be some
04:03extras thrown in. But there are extras thrown in, like when you go to the shower, you get to see
04:06someone else's urine scurry past the bottom. That's exciting. That unique brand of fungus as well from
04:12those camp showers. The athlete's foot without the hassle of being an athlete. Yes. Those showers at
04:18campgrounds are great because if you're in there, the only way anyone can see you're in the shower
04:22is through the bottom of the door. Yeah. Or over the top of the door. Yeah. Or through the holes
04:28in
04:28the door. That's right. Or from standing on the broken toilet that's next to it. Yeah. So it's really
04:33private. You've really investigated this quite a bit. I mean, if you think the price of camping
04:37is expensive, wait until you find about the price of living in a house. Yeah. Well, take two,
04:43are you ready for a bit of a newsmaker? Hell yeah. We'll give it a go. I've got a photo
04:46for you.
04:47Have a look. Oh, hello. That's just Ariel after she is a Brazilian. I was going to say, it looks
04:53like
04:53the photo of a bin at the back of a Disneyland fish and chippy. Oh, yeah. I reckon that is
04:58what you put
04:59in the magic bullet to make glitter. Oh, yeah. Moolied up mermaid fish. You get a few mermaids,
05:06what? And then you go, there you go. Shut up. No, this is, isn't there like a rise in people
05:13who
05:13are making like online content as mer people and they put on these like latex sort of thin tubes
05:20and swim in the water? Yeah. Bang on, Hayley. Yeah. I like that you didn't yuck their yum.
05:25New viral trend, taking the world by storm. It's mermaiding where people put on fish tails
05:29and film themselves flopping around doing the full Ariel impersonation. And you know what,
05:34I actually get it. Do you? Yeah, I can relate to the mer community. Because one time I accidentally
05:38put both legs into the same hole in my wetsuit. Yeah. And initially I was like, this is really
05:43uncomfortable. Then you get in the water and it's like, I see why you do it now. That's my problem
05:51with the whole, because I'd love to be a mermaid, but finding shells big enough for these bad boys
05:54are real. Like, I mean, sure, like, yeah, your scallops are a waste of time. Powers have no support
05:59whatsoever. And just a tip guys, if you are getting into the mermaid community, it's worth taking the
06:04time and spending the money to get your shell bra fitted properly. Yeah. I've been a mermaid before.
06:10My kids will, um, on the beach, they make me lie down and they cover you in sand and make
06:14a tail
06:14and they build sort of sand boobies and they're like, can we break down the sandcastle now, daddy?
06:18And I'm always like, not just you. Didn't they start as the sirens on the rocks that would lure sailors
06:25to their death? Isn't that where the mermaids would sing? Yeah, they'd sing you a song. Yes. Yeah.
06:29Sirens. Sirens. Yeah. And I think in real life, they were just sex deprived sailors who would see
06:34a manatee and be like, you know what, I might give it a go. Yeah. It would be gutted, wouldn't
06:39you,
06:40if you ended up, like, you've spent all this time learning how to swim underwater and then suddenly you get
06:43fished up
06:44and you just end up in some guy's Tinder profile pic like, check out this giant mermaid I've walked in.
06:49Yeah. I've actually been mermaiding. You've been mermaiding?
06:54Yeah. Well, I took my top off at the fish market, but I still made the news. No, I haven't.
07:01No, when I was younger, I made a tail from some plastic from para rubber and some flippers,
07:05because I saw on 60 Minutes these girls that said they had tails and they said you could swim fast,
07:11as fast as a dolphin. Whoa. Yeah. No, I couldn't swim that fast, but I do try and have sex
07:17with tourists at the beach a lot. Okay. I've tried going the other way, like just having fish
07:22up top and just fully nude downstairs. Yeah. But the police don't like that either.
07:27No. It doesn't matter if you get a fresh dolphin scalp and put it on your head,
07:31you're not allowed to have it out. All right, good round of newsmakers. We go to the scores now.
07:36Team one, you can have 576. That's how many days new AB's head coach Dave Rennie has to sort the
07:42team
07:42now pre-World Cup. Lol. Jokes. Actually, 575. Clock is ticking, Dave. Congratulations on the job.
07:47Team two, you can have 20. That's the number of writers hired for the UK version of Saturday Night Live.
07:53One, and while I mention it, being our very own Joseph Moore from Seven Days. Well done, Joseph.
08:00If you need a host or anything, you've got my number. I mean, you don't return my calls,
08:05but you've got my number. Pretty sure you've got, I gave you my number. Anyway, 384,000 beats 20.
08:09The star for newsmakers goes to team one. Oh, good stuff. But hey, Corby, I hear you ask.
08:18What's the point of the stars? Well, the most stars at the end of the show wins a highly sought
08:23after prize ripped straight from the headlines. And here it is. Yeah, check that out. Now you can
08:28be a mermaid too. Your very own DIY mermaid kit slides smoothly and effortlessly into your shiny,
08:35shimmery new fishtail made 100% from the finest scales from proven sustainable sources. The saw,
08:41of course, for hacking off your now useless legs. Won't need them anymore. Pro tip, measure twice,
08:46cut once. Time to move on. I've got an incredible mystery guest hiding behind this wall, itching to
08:52get into a round of Guess Who. Game's pretty simple. We track down a local hero, steal them away from
08:57their
08:57cushy lifestyle, stuff them into a smelly sack, and then they have to answer yes or no questions from the
09:02comedians until someone guesses their identity. Pretty simple. Please clap and cheer for our
09:06Guest Who guests.
09:10This way. I'm going to jump behind you now and I'll guide you in.
09:15There you are. That's perfect.
09:17All right.
09:20Your job is a straightforward guest. Just answer yes or no. Teams, you get a no. It goes to the
09:24other team. Team one, you can start.
09:26Guest, does the story you're involved with involve sport?
09:31Yes.
09:32Ooh. Great question. Are you the person when I was at the pub the other day and I went to
09:36the toilet
09:37and you came out of the toilet and you said, oh, don't worry, the flush doesn't work. I'm not just
09:41an
09:41animal. But then, you left without washing your hands.
09:46Oh.
09:48No.
09:49No. That is not.
09:49Wait, so involved in sport? Have they just got back from Italy?
09:53Oh, yeah.
09:54Speak in Italian.
09:56Yeah, uh,
09:56Jemma Peltoli.
09:58No, that's me.
09:59Emma, you recently have been in Italy.
10:02Perfect.
10:03No.
10:04No.
10:04Ooh.
10:05It's a no. Team one.
10:06Okay, so not Winter Olympics, but sport. I've seen a lot of social meds, sock med recently.
10:12Go on.
10:13About our, um, football ferns.
10:16Oh, yes.
10:17Oh, yes.
10:18Do you play soccer slash football?
10:21No.
10:22Idiot!
10:22You're an idiot!
10:23I am an idiot.
10:24I'm sorry, man.
10:25Team two.
10:25Other than the, um, noted sport of marching, sport's not really my area of expertise.
10:32But Tony, you spend a lot of time, you do some commentating?
10:34Yeah, well, I was wondering when you were talking about the Winter Olympics, but I wonder,
10:39have you gone to an Olympics?
10:41Yes.
10:41Ooh.
10:42This is big.
10:43And I'm out.
10:45Did you win a medal at that Olympics?
10:48Yes.
10:48Ooh.
10:49Rugby.
10:50Rugby.
10:50Rugby.
10:50And was it a, was it a gold medal?
10:53Yes.
10:53Rugby.
10:54Go.
10:54Please.
10:55Have you run a Women's Rugby World Cup?
10:58Yes.
10:58Have you recently retired?
11:01Yes.
11:02Are you Portia Wood?
11:03Yes!
11:05Oh!
11:06Oh, my God!
11:07Oh, my God!
11:08Amazing!
11:09Amazing!
11:09Hi, guys!
11:10You're welcome to the show.
11:13All right.
11:16This is amazing.
11:17This is amazing.
11:18Wow.
11:20She is amazing.
11:21Absolutely right.
11:22Well done, Tony.
11:23Yes.
11:23She, you are the best.
11:24Yeah.
11:25Yeah, yeah.
11:25Like, literally, the rugby got both, it's...
11:28She's the highest, highest try scorer out of anyone in New Zealand's history.
11:32Yeah.
11:33That's amazing.
11:34Didn't you one time score like eight tries in a game?
11:36Yeah.
11:37Yeah.
11:37Wow.
11:38Great.
11:38Was your coach when you were young never teaching a pass?
11:40Yes, reading much.
11:41It was really.
11:42I can't pass, so I just got to run.
11:46So you've just announced your retirement?
11:48Yes, again.
11:48For reals this time?
11:49For reals this time.
11:50Wow.
11:50Because that was number two.
11:51I want to go, go back.
11:52When did you, because...
11:53Really quickly call me.
11:54Yeah, go.
11:54No, you go.
11:55It's as nice as someone who knows when to retire.
11:57Yeah.
11:59You've got to feel your exit, you know.
12:01Oh, yeah.
12:01When time's up.
12:02Mine will be when my heart stops.
12:04That'll be the sign.
12:06Fantastic.
12:07I want to go back to when you first went,
12:10because you were quite a speedster from a very young age, weren't you?
12:12Yeah, I used to run track and field when I was...
12:14But, like, wasn't it even primary school?
12:16You were four years old beating the six-year-olds?
12:18Yeah, yeah.
12:19My biggest dream was just to beat the boys.
12:21So whatever age group, I just wanted to beat the boys.
12:23And your...
12:24So your dad and your uncle, ex-All Blacks, but your mum was into netball.
12:28Was she...
12:29Did she push the netball?
12:30How did...
12:30Big time.
12:31Yeah.
12:31Big time wanted me to be a sofa and wanted me to have the black dress and everything.
12:35I wanted to be the next Timapata George.
12:37Yeah, of course.
12:37Wow.
12:38Clearly you didn't listen to her, because you said you can't pass.
12:40No.
12:40No.
12:42No.
12:42It's all about running.
12:43It's all about running.
12:43It's so nice to know that I've actually got, like, something in common with you,
12:46because I'm a big speed guy as well.
12:47Like, I took some and I love the prodigy.
12:49Yeah.
12:52When did you know it was rugby then?
12:53Because you actually...
12:54Because I think...
12:54Was it Mount Albert Grammar didn't have that as an option?
12:56No.
12:57When I had my interview at Mount Albert Grammar, my dean at the time was like,
13:01I hope you're one of those girls that don't play rugby, because we don't have rugby at
13:04the school.
13:04Wow.
13:05Um, and like every kid in New Zealand, loved rugby, but just wasn't able to play it.
13:10And netball was the career for women at that time.
13:12And then somehow you got into the rugby, and did you just know all of a sudden, oh, this
13:16is the sport?
13:17Yeah, yeah, when it became an Olympic sport, when it was going to turn up at 2016 Olympics,
13:22I was like, oh yeah, this is me.
13:23I get to run 100 metres, run away, run over, run through people, that was a dream for me.
13:28Amazing.
13:29Speaking of running through people, in the Rugby World Cup final at Eden Park, I was there
13:34with my son, someone tried to run through you and you got KO'd, and they got a red card,
13:39and that sort of led to the comeback and that famous victory.
13:43Do you think you're a bit robbed for player of the day for getting knocked out?
13:46Yeah.
13:46Well, I feel like I, we won because of it, right?
13:49Yeah.
13:49Yeah.
13:50Down to 14 people.
13:51Ah, nah, it was a dream, dream finish.
13:53Obviously, I had to sit underneath the stadium, listen to the crowd.
13:56Yeah.
13:56Was it English crowd?
13:57Is it a New Zealand crowd?
13:58That was probably the hardest part.
13:59They didn't want you out to watch?
14:01No, I wasn't allowed to.
14:02Didn't see, because that was one of the greatest moments in New Zealand, rugby, the steel,
14:05the line-out steel.
14:05Yeah, the line-out, the hand, everything.
14:06From England that had been scoring regularly from that.
14:08No, I missed it all.
14:09I was underneath the stadium.
14:10Oh, wow.
14:11What's next for you?
14:13Commentary.
14:14That would be a dream.
14:15Yes, all right, yeah.
14:15So, we'd love to do some work with Sky.
14:17Yeah, look, yeah, no, proper applause.
14:22I reckon, I reckon we can make that, can't stand up, Tommy?
14:25Sure.
14:26So, just do some commentary on this.
14:28So, I've got the ball and I'm running.
14:30He's the defender.
14:31Just commentate this live, all right?
14:32Oh, oh!
14:33It starts getting real.
14:34Oh, the goosey and his hammy, he's torn his hammy.
14:36Oh, dear, we're going to have to go to break after this.
14:39Back to you, Jeremy.
14:40Great.
14:41That was lovely.
14:47Portia Woodman-Witcliffe, ladies and gentlemen.
14:48Give it up for you.
14:50Thank you so much.
14:50Thanks, Anthony.
14:52So, champion.
14:54Wow.
14:55Boom, and there it is.
14:56A star goes to team two.
14:58Well done, Tony.
14:59All right, thank you.
15:03It is time now for the Burger Fuel Brain Grill,
15:05brought to you by Burger Fuel,
15:07who are not only our sponsors,
15:08but also my best friends now.
15:09In this game, we're jumping in a time machine
15:11to check whether these comedians,
15:12who regularly forget their own pin numbers,
15:14can remember moments from the year 2003.
15:17Team one, you're up first.
15:19Here's your clip from 2003.
15:21A lot of people thought that New Zealand couldn't pull this off.
15:26Well, they were wrong.
15:28Is it, um, New Zealand escapes being on another map?
15:32Awesome.
15:35Was it they didn't think we could get 200,000 road cones
15:38onto the streets of Auckland?
15:42That was from the premiere of Lord of the Rings Return of the King.
15:45Won the Oscar for Best Picture.
15:47Orcs, trolls and hobbits flooded the streets of Wellington
15:49for the first screening, and that was just public servants.
15:52Stick around.
15:55Both team two and team you at home will get a chance at your very own
15:58Burger Fuel Brain Grill later in the show.
16:00We've got a cracking game of Club Topicana you won't want to miss.
16:02It's right after this break on Seven Days.
16:15Hi, everyone. Welcome back to Seven Days.
16:17Well, we are now firmly in the thongs of autumn.
16:20What better time to get firmly in your thongs of autumn
16:22for a trip to the beach?
16:23It's Club Topicana. Play the steel drums!
16:35Yes, Club Topicana is brought to you by Dole Pineapples.
16:39George Michael of Wham sang that Club Tropicana drinks are free.
16:42Well, the drinks at Club Topicana are also free.
16:45They're also all pineapple juice.
16:46If you ask for any other type of drink, you're escorted from the beach
16:49and locked away in prison for the rest of your life.
16:50Inside this delicious Dole Pineapple, a selection of ace news stories
16:54that have me fizzing to hear more about.
16:56Let's see what made the cut this week.
16:58Ah, yes, private schools.
16:59Private schools throughout New Zealand have seen a rise in interest
17:01from parents wanting to enrol their kids.
17:03Well, sounds pretty flash to me.
17:05Teams, I want you to show me scenes from New Zealand's richest private school.
17:13Um, sorry, it was a question.
17:16So, the blankets that they gave the Maoris, um,
17:20were they at least like a high-thread count
17:22or was it like microfibre from briscos?
17:25LAUGHTER
17:29Attention, students, it's time to take the roll.
17:32Today's roll is an artisan ciabatta.
17:37Your choices are crayfish or caviar.
17:46Fisher,
17:49Paykel,
17:52Guthrie,
17:55Balrog.
18:00The Warehouse, are you here?
18:06You haven't been colouring inside the lines, Theodore.
18:10That's OK, we'll have the lines moved.
18:17Good morning, Mr Corbett.
18:22Morning, children.
18:24Today, I bring you a tomo.
18:28You will all be issued with a tomo to do with as you please.
18:32Today, he will be the globe.
18:35Turn, tomo.
18:36Turn.
18:38Turn, or I will whip your Venezuela.
18:48Yeah, we do have a zero-tolerance approach to bullying.
18:52LAUGHTER
18:55No, no, no, I mean it, I mean it.
18:56The girls don't play any mind games.
18:59LAUGHTER
19:06I've got a substitute teacher today.
19:09We should totally prank her.
19:10Yeah, yeah, I reckon we should get her KiwiSaver
19:12and change her from a growth fund to a conservative fund.
19:17She's going to lose thousands.
19:19LAUGHTER
19:26Today, there will be a note going home to all films
19:30about school pick-up time.
19:32Oh, mind her, that when picking up your children from the marina...
19:38..in your jet ski, please accelerate accordingly,
19:42because there has been a lot of wash onto the teachers' yachts.
19:46LAUGHTER
19:48All right, back to the pineapple for our next story.
19:51Ah, all right, OK.
19:52Yeah, this week, Air New Zealand pilots Alice and Sarah McElroy
19:55flew together for the first time.
19:56Quite a feat, as they are mother and daughter.
19:59Very cool.
19:59Working with your family can be stressful at the best of times,
20:02let alone at 38,000 feet.
20:03I'd like you to show me, team,
20:05some other examples of working with your mum, please.
20:09Oh, darling, darling, join me in the lunchroom.
20:12Oh, is that what you're having?
20:14Mmm.
20:14So you've just given up on the diet, have you?
20:20Oh!
20:21I don't want to file the quarterly report, Mum!
20:26Oh, I did my KPIs already, yeah!
20:29LAUGHTER
20:34She's making me work before I'm even born.
20:37LAUGHTER
20:39She's not even cutting me in on her feet.
20:41Shush, look, play nice, and I'll give you a little sip of wine later.
20:44LAUGHTER
20:45Oh, it kicked.
20:47OK, a sip of wine and a cigarette.
20:49LAUGHTER
20:52Oh, darling, what did you think of my presentation?
20:55Oh, you didn't like it?
20:55OK, well, I'll just say nothing then.
20:57I'll just say nothing.
20:58No, I'll just sit here and I'll say no,
20:59Heather's a bit, I have an opinion.
21:01LAUGHTER
21:07All right, everyone get ready.
21:10And...
21:10Ooh.
21:11Oh, Mum.
21:12Ooh.
21:13I don't think we should be working on the same adult film.
21:23As long as you don't look at each other...
21:24It's actually an incredibly popular category.
21:31OK.
21:32A charity in Whangarei has banded together
21:34and purchased the Kamo Wildlife Sanctuary
21:36so the lions who live there can remain in the peaceful tranquillity
21:39that is suburban Whangarei.
21:40Imagine heading along to day one
21:42of bossing those big cats around.
21:43I'd like to see that.
21:45Give me some scenes
21:46from the first day owning a lion park, please.
22:00Thank you, that's all I wanted.
22:04Kill the rest.
22:06LAUGHTER
22:09Well, welcome, everybody.
22:11This is our first school group today,
22:12so everyone here is very excited.
22:14I had an interesting question before
22:16from the little boy who's been talking all morning and not listening.
22:19And he said,
22:21Can you ride the lions?
22:22Let's find out.
22:27Welcome to the lion park,
22:29where it's Pride Month every month.
22:34Simba, everything the light touches
22:38is actually owned by the bank.
22:40LAUGHTER
22:44OK, like, what, like, what if, though,
22:47what if I just open the gate?
22:50Like, bleh, you know what I mean?
22:52BLEH!
22:53LAUGHTER
22:54Because I kind of only wanted the land for townhouses.
22:57LAUGHTER
23:00Hi, yeah, it's me, the new owner.
23:02Um, I just...
23:03I know you said the keepers are here to feed the lions,
23:06but what do I do now that I'm out of keepers?
23:09LAUGHTER
23:14Well, welcome, everybody.
23:15It's pretty early in the morning, so the lions might not be up.
23:18In fact, they might be having a...
23:21..lion.
23:22LAUGHTER
23:22LAUGHTER
23:24That's my main joke.
23:26LAUGHTER
23:28We'll go to the next story from the pineapple.
23:32There was chaos at the marathon in Atlanta, Georgia this week,
23:35when the race leaders were sent the wrong way,
23:37throwing the whole thing into disarray.
23:39I've never done a marathon, never will.
23:40Bit too much running for me.
23:42But take us there, teams.
23:43Give us some examples of unlikely things to hear at a marathon, please.
23:49No, no band-aids on the nipples for me.
23:51I like the way it feels.
23:54LAUGHTER
24:00And the runners are off,
24:01and to make it extra interesting this year,
24:02we've added a little something special.
24:05Release the dogs.
24:07LAUGHTER
24:11Oh, I think I just passed another Kenyan.
24:15LAUGHTER
24:22Do you know what's really helping my pace?
24:24These tits.
24:25LAUGHTER
24:26LAUGHTER
24:27Me too.
24:28Do you know what's really helping me run?
24:30Those tits.
24:32LAUGHTER
24:33LAUGHTER
24:33LAUGHTER
24:36LAUGHTER
24:36I don't know.
24:38That's...
24:38That's not weird.
24:40Hot gravy.
24:42LAUGHTER
24:43Hot gravy.
24:44Hot gravy.
24:44Get your hot gravy.
24:45LAUGHTER
24:46Hot gravy.
24:46Throw it on your face.
24:48LAUGHTER
24:48Hot gravy for your face.
24:50LAUGHTER
24:52A waste of time.
24:54LAUGHTER
24:54All right, that is it.
24:56The flags have been stolen by those mermaid hussies.
24:58Beaches closed, swim back to your discs.
25:00Play those steel drums.
25:03APPLAUSE
25:03Come on, everybody.
25:09Hot gravy.
25:11Hot gravy.
25:12Ah, all right, well, after that, the scores.
25:15Team one, you can have the kilometres I'm going to walk in April.
25:18200 kilometres is to raise money for the Malligan Institute
25:21so we can do car tea therapy to cure cancer right here in New Zealand.
25:25Sponsor me.
25:25Google go the distance
25:27and maybe add the word cancer to narrow it down.
25:29All right, that's what you get, 200.
25:31Now, team two, you get 384,400 kilometres to the moon.
25:34Hope you enjoy the blood moon on Tuesday.
25:36Thanks to the lunar eclipse, team two gets the star.
25:43Team two, you get your chance to melt your mind
25:45with your turn at the Burger Fuel Brain Grill.
25:48I'll show you a clip from our year of the Lord, 2003.
25:51You simply tell me where it is from.
25:53Have a look at this.
25:54OK.
25:54Well, it's beautiful, anyway.
25:57It's something to be very proud of, that we've achieved that.
26:00So nobody's done anything better since...
26:03Oh, this is my mum talking about my older brother.
26:08All right, yes, that was actually taken at Heathrow Airport in London in 2003.
26:13Final flight of the Concorde.
26:15Supersonic plane that can fly Mark II 2,000 kilometres per hour.
26:18Do Wellington to Auckland in just under 30 minutes.
26:20But why would you want to go to Wellington?
26:22All right, your turn at the Burger Fuel Brain Grill
26:24is approaching faster than Concorde.
26:26Stay tuned for that.
26:27And also after the break, we're playing History.
26:29See you soon.
26:42Nau mai, hukibai.
26:43Welcome back to Seven Days.
26:45This week, Split Ends reunited.
26:47What better way to celebrate Split Ends than by proving them wrong
26:49and showing that history does, in fact, repeat with a game of history.
26:52In this game, I put four punters on parade, one of whom is a famous face from New Zealand's past.
26:58Let's see what we're serving up tonight.
27:00She's become our most successful table tennis player, winning national champs,
27:05a Commonwealth gold and coaching hundreds of up-and-comers at her local club.
27:15The way she stayed in that point, points for the New Zealander, Lee Chun-Li.
27:27And what a way to finish it.
27:29Eleven, eight.
27:30There's a glorious victory for the 40-year-old Lee Chun-Li.
27:33Representing New Zealand, Lee Chun-Li.
27:36And Lee Chun-Li, a very, very happy winner.
27:4240-year-old, who's represented New Zealand for a long, long time.
27:46One of the people in our lineup this evening is New Zealand's most successful ever table tennis player, Chun-Li,
27:52who won a gold, a silver and two bronze medals from the 2002 Commonwealth Games.
27:56Joining Chun-Li is a typographer, a Latin dancer and a salesperson.
28:01Team two, you can go first, try and identify Chun-Li, please.
28:05Well done to all of you.
28:07Can I just ask all four of you just to go like this, as if you were typing?
28:11You can just go like this with the fingers.
28:13Look, two's got the bubble, the curl.
28:15Number one's clueless.
28:15I don't think it's a typographer.
28:19What's a typographer?
28:21I think the typographer is someone who types.
28:23A typist.
28:24It's in the f***ing name.
28:25No, they choose your font and all the rest of it, the typographer.
28:29I am aware, so...
28:31I reckon we could get the dancer to sort of light up.
28:35So if I say ten, just say ten.
28:37Sure, sure.
28:37Okay, judges.
28:38All right.
28:38Ten!
28:39Ten!
28:39Ten!
28:40Number four, back time.
28:42For me, I have such a drawing towards number four being our table tennis player.
28:50It's literally she's wearing the sportiest outfit.
28:52Yeah, that's true.
28:53She does have some Lululemon on, potentially.
28:55Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:55It's giving big Lululemon.
28:57And then number two is wearing very jazzy shoes.
29:00I would say like very nimble shoes that she can move in quickly.
29:03You know, like salsa around the room.
29:05Number one's eyes are really selling me like a house.
29:09Yeah, and I want to buy it.
29:10I can imagine her face on the side of a car.
29:13Yes!
29:13Yeah, I think number one's a salesperson.
29:15Like this, yeah.
29:17So are we, okay, I think we're going to say number one is our salesperson.
29:20Okay.
29:21Number two is our dancer.
29:24Dancer, yeah.
29:25Number three is our typographer, and number four is our table tennis champion.
29:30Are you happy?
29:30You think Chun-Li is number four.
29:32All right, team one, your turn.
29:34Okay, Jeremy, first of all, did you say one of them is a Latin dancer?
29:37Yes.
29:37Okay, I'm going to do a little bit of a cha-cha noise, and I want each of you to
29:43interpret
29:44that in a Latin dance.
29:45Are you ready?
29:50I don't think you can knock them dance.
29:52This is crazy.
29:54Wait, I'll get the Latin dancer.
29:56Are you ready?
30:03Good, good.
30:04Okay, two's got pretty good rhythm.
30:05Mmm. Oh, can we get each of you or maybe all together to do the motion of a table tennis
30:11serve your best serve on
30:13three one two three and serve I
30:17Gotta be
30:19Either they're all shit
30:23One of them is throwing us off the scent
30:26Yeah, I think three would probably have a pen hold grip as opposed to a similar
30:36Four four, I don't want to go on it, but I've played a bit of a table tennis
30:43I think it's three
30:46Okay, let's say three. Let's just look I mean, let's just do what you want, okay?
30:50I think four is our typographer. Mm-hmm. I think one is our salesperson, and I think two is our
30:56Latin dancer
30:57Okay, well, I love me and Tom I think as I said just repeat what I said
31:02All right, so team one you think Chun-Li is number three team two you think Chun-Li is number
31:07four
31:07Can I ask our most successful table tennis player ever? Chun-Li lead to step forward, please?
31:26Thank you so much for joining us
31:29Take me back. When did you first pick up a rack a racket a pick a paddle a bat?
31:35Great research cool. Yeah, great. Yeah, nailed it. What do you call it in table tennis racquet racquet when did
31:41you first?
31:42Okay, when did you first pick up a racket?
31:45About the eight or nine years old at a school. Did you play tennis first before you inserted the table?
31:53I play tennis the same game like you get the table, but you put like cups on the table, and
32:01then you
32:03And then you go
32:08We're not allowed to do that
32:11You won the medals at the Commonwealth Games you went to four Olympics, I believe yes for Olympics
32:17And then you actually came out of retirement was it last year two years ago a replay two years ago
32:23two years ago
32:24Yeah, what with all these people who don't know when to retire?
32:29What do you do with the middle now obviously a gold medal from the Commonwealth Games like does it sit
32:33above the fireplace?
32:34Are you like wear it around the house?
32:36Little to my mother
32:38Oh
32:40Chun-Li can I ask something of you Tomo's been talking a big game big game
32:44He reckons he can beat you at table tennis. You've never been beaten in New Zealand, have you?
32:49Would you be prepared to take on Tomo in a quick game?
32:53Yeah
32:53I didn't know there was going to be a table here
33:07Before we go to that can I ask our typographer to step forward, please
33:11At number four. Well done
33:16Who is our Latin dancer, Latin dancer? There it is
33:20And our salesperson if you'd like to step forward as well. Fantastic stuff
33:25That means team one gets the start. Congratulations
33:30Commonwealth Games gold medalist Chun-Li up against Timaru high school
33:35Top five, were you?
33:37We didn't even play it at school
33:39I'm not at my prime. I'm not at my prime. I've hurt my shoulder
33:43With the big ping-bong ball
33:57Okay, so you're doing the pin hold grip like a fine. Okay. Oh, here we go. Here we go
34:02Okay, here we go. Don't remember this bit. No, you don't know. These balls are from, like, Kmart. Okay. Okay.
34:17Okay. Okay. How are you?
34:18I'm not even on the balls. Okay. Okay.
34:22Oh!
34:24Oh! Ice! Ice!
34:28Ice!
34:28Ice! Ice! Ice! Ice!
34:32There you go. It was down the same side.
34:35I think she's being nice!
34:37Oh!
34:39Come on!
34:40There we go. That's it. The game is over. Tono, you were beaten. Chun-Li is our champion. Congratulations.
34:54We're going to take a break while Josh picks up all those balls, tries to get his breath and his
34:59dignity back. This isn't the last we've seen of this table, tennis table, because coming up is Jeremy's special game.
35:05All right, we'll see you soon.
35:07Oh!
35:07Oh!
35:09Yeah!
35:13Yeah!
35:15Yeah!
35:19Welcome back to 7 Days all of you. And Aotearoa! It's time to whip out your balls and make quite
35:23a racket with a round of Jeremy's special game.
35:25This week, my special game is ping-pong the news.
35:28In this round, a player from each team will go head-to-head
35:31in a high-stakes table tennis match,
35:33during which they must answer my topical trivia questions.
35:36Most correct answers, after we've summed up all the games,
35:39will win and that team will get the star.
35:42Got it? Really doesn't matter, we're going to play it anyway.
35:43All right, Paul and Hayley, you're first up.
35:45Grab your rackets, grab your balls. Here we go.
35:54So, Paul is serving 45 seconds on the clock.
35:56You want to get the questions right,
35:57but you also want to win the table tennis.
35:59OK. I'm going to get my dinger,
36:00just to make sure you know when the game is over.
36:02All right, here we go. Are you ready? Start playing.
36:05Which iconic New Zealand band reunited at Electric Avenue this week?
36:08Yes. What happens to the hair when the cuticle is damaged,
36:10leaving the inner to dry out and unravel?
36:13It curls!
36:14No. It's the same as the first question.
36:16Split ends!
36:16Correct. The Warriors opened their season this weekend.
36:19Where is their home ground?
36:20Mount Smart.
36:21Mount Smart.
36:21Go Media, Mount Smart. Correct.
36:23Which former Prime Minister was spotted house hunting in Sydney?
36:25Jacinda Ardern.
36:26Correct. What city has a new foal line discovered under this week?
36:28Hamilton.
36:29I can't hear you, Corby!
36:31What city has a new foal line discovered under it this week?
36:33Wellington.
36:34No.
36:35Auckland.
36:36Yes, correct. Hayley gets one.
36:38The New Zealand Open was last weekend.
36:40If one under is a birdie, what's one over?
36:42A chookie.
36:44Bogey.
36:44Correct. Paul gets correct.
36:45When was the most recent blood moon?
36:47Last night!
36:49No, on Wednesday!
36:50Tuesday!
36:51Tuesday!
36:52Tuesday!
36:52Tuesday!
36:53That is it!
36:53It was Tuesday.
36:58Oh my God.
37:00You're really good.
37:01You're really good.
37:02Really good.
37:02Really good.
37:04My scores...
37:05Good game.
37:06Good game.
37:07By my measure, Paul got five and Hayley, you got two.
37:10So the scores do accumulate though.
37:13Next two up.
37:14Becky and Lisa.
37:15They're facing each other.
37:19This is a Bears two on one.
37:24Get it.
37:24Okay, 45 seconds.
37:26Go.
37:26What New Zealand snack was King Charles recently seen with?
37:29The snack.
37:30No.
37:31Chocolate slab.
37:32No.
37:34Wow.
37:34No hitting the host.
37:35What are you doing?
37:37F1 start...
37:38What are you doing?
37:39Get out of it to me!
37:40F1 starts this weekend in Melbourne.
37:42What does the F stand for in F1?
37:44Football.
37:45Formula.
37:45No.
37:46Yes, formula.
37:46Correct.
37:47One for you.
37:47Saturday was the last day of summer.
37:48She hit my baby.
37:49What season are we in now?
37:51I don't know what you say.
37:52Saturday was the last day of summer.
37:54What season are we in now?
37:55Autumn.
37:56Autumn is correct.
37:57That is two for you.
37:58We move on.
37:58Jim Carrey was accused of wearing a mask this week.
38:00Nothing real!
38:00In which movie does he famously wear a mask?
38:02Oh, the mask!
38:03The mask!
38:04Recent reports about health star ratings came out this week.
38:06Which rating is better for you?
38:07One star or five star?
38:08Five star.
38:09Five is correct.
38:10That is time!
38:11Wow, Lisa.
38:14Wow.
38:18That is fantastic.
38:19Becky, you can sit down.
38:21Tomo and Tony,
38:22you are up.
38:23Now, at this stage...
38:24Oh, yeah.
38:26You can do it too, man.
38:28Whoa!
38:31Before we start,
38:32I just want to say,
38:33Corby,
38:34great game, man.
38:35You don't need to,
38:36don't need to battle me up
38:37because at this stage,
38:38I have team one on five
38:39and team two on six.
38:41So you're leading by one point.
38:43Okay, 45 seconds.
38:44I know what that means.
38:45Three, two, one, go.
38:47The town of Paira is the home of Antiques.
38:48What else is it known for?
38:49Alan Pears.
38:50Who climbed the Empire State Building?
38:51Clutching Fei Ray.
38:52Yes, well done.
38:54What is the currency of Vietnam?
38:56Dong?
38:56Yes.
38:57What sport are you currently playing?
38:59Ping Kong.
39:00Correct.
39:01Tauranga Council received
39:0234 complaints about poo
39:03from which flying animal?
39:05A duck.
39:06No.
39:07It's a small one.
39:08A human?
39:08A bat.
39:08A thing you've...
39:09Cow?
39:10No.
39:11It's bees.
39:11I'm going to move on.
39:12A couple are in custody
39:13after crashing a stolen watt
39:14and two-tree in Hastings.
39:16Motor bike?
39:17Motor bike, my pen.
39:18A lime scooter.
39:19No.
39:19A six-wagon.
39:20No, no, no, no, no.
39:21A dog.
39:22A father and son couple bike around the world
39:23say which country's drivers are the most aggro?
39:25New Zealand.
39:26Correct.
39:26What is the term?
39:27Opportunity shopper-tunity often shortened to.
39:30That is time.
39:31Thank goodness,
39:31because I don't think the table can take it anywhere.
39:34Yes.
39:36Wow.
39:39Really good.
39:40Really good.
39:42It looks to stay calm.
39:44Team one, you've got five.
39:45Team two, you've got 11.
39:46Team two gets the stunts.
39:50I've got a sore shoulder, OK?
39:54All right.
39:54It's your turn at home now
39:56to fire up your brains for the Burger Fuel Brain Grill.
39:58Take a look at this image.
39:59It is from 2003.
40:01Have a look at that.
40:02What is going on in that image?
40:04Have a look on our Facebook or Instagram pages.
40:06Send in your funniest answer you could win
40:08thanks to Burger Fuel.
40:09You do that.
40:10We'll prepare for a game of Caption That.
40:11Don't miss it.
40:12See you soon on Seven Days.
40:25Oh, this is Seven Days.
40:26Welcome back.
40:27I hope it's the show you're meant to watch.
40:28It's the final part of the show we're playing now.
40:30Caption That for the first time in ages.
40:31Can't wait.
40:32Teams, I will show you a picture from the last seven days.
40:34All you need to do is caption it for me.
40:36Pretty simple.
40:37Paul, you're simple.
40:38You can start.
40:40Is this what happens inside my boyfriend's brain
40:42when I ask him,
40:43what are you thinking?
40:46Is this trying to find your kid
40:48after the school trip to Motat?
40:51Is this just some of the people
40:53Tomo hasn't beaten in table tennis?
40:58Oh, that's me in the middle
40:59immediately after becoming single last year.
41:05I see my milkshake has brought all the boys to the house.
41:09Is this when you open the door to Corbett's basement?
41:14Sunlight!
41:15Sunlight, please!
41:16Please!
41:17Please!
41:18My scrape of water, sir!
41:21Is this Tomo sheets under the microscope?
41:24Oh, no!
41:26Please!
41:27Sunlight, please!
41:28Don't do that again!
41:29Please!
41:30Sunlight, soak again!
41:32That is a small snapshot.
41:34A small portion of the approximately 10,000 men in loincloths
41:37trying to snatch a lucky wooden stick
41:40during the EO Naked Festival in Okiyama in Japan.
41:44That's worse than what we were saying.
41:47Back to you, team one.
41:48What's the caption for this picture?
41:49Ooh, oh!
41:50Oh, yeah.
41:52Scientists attempt to grow a new Trump.
41:57Lab workers at Ozempic ask people
41:59to stop sending the fat you've lost back to us.
42:03Brad just couldn't work out
42:04what went wrong with his first pavlova.
42:09Is this transplant doctors looking at my liver
42:12after I ticked non-drinker on my donor phone?
42:16I think it's what comes out of your baby's car seat
42:18any time you tip it up.
42:19Oh, my God.
42:21That's horrific.
42:22Two young first homebuyers
42:23are shown what they actually can afford.
42:28The real caption there,
42:29trainees produce various rubber compounds
42:31at the Continental Rubber Plant in Korbach,
42:33which is in Germany.
42:34Team two, your turn now.
42:36Caption this.
42:37Oh, that's my boyfriend when he's here
42:39and tells me to back dad ass up.
42:43Man's friends don't want to tell him
42:45that when they advertise donkey rides...
42:48LAUGHTER
42:51Um, is it ninja donkey attacks man?
42:55LAUGHTER
42:55Is it despite being the only donkey in the group,
42:59Geoff insisted on playing Mary in the Nativity?
43:03LAUGHTER
43:03LAUGHTER
43:07The real caption is,
43:08an Afghan athlete carries a donkey on his shoulders
43:11to show his strength.
43:12And we are impressed.
43:13Both teams, you did great captioning,
43:15but for points, let's give team one.
43:17Uh, $334,800,
43:19the prize Daniel Hillier earned
43:21for winning the New Zealand Golf Open in Queenstown.
43:23He also got married eight days earlier,
43:25so it's cool to play golf on your honeymoon.
43:28LAUGHTER
43:29All right, team two, we're going to stick with golf.
43:32You can have the score.
43:33Stuart Duff shot at Hastings Golf Course last week.
43:35He shot a 62, which is a great score,
43:37but notable because he is 63,
43:40which means he achieved a rare feat of golfing
43:42by beating his age on the scorecard.
43:45Congratulations, Stuart.
43:46Congratulations.
43:47Team one, you get the star.
43:49APPLAUSE
43:51Here we have a winner.
43:53And that means if we look at the star chart,
43:56the overall winner for the night is...
43:57Both teams, it's a draw.
43:59What a waste of time.
44:00CHEERING
44:00What a waste of time.
44:02CHEERING
44:03You can have this to the first week.
44:05You have the sore, you can have the bottom.
44:08CHEERING
44:10Enjoy your new lives.
44:11It's mermaids and mermens.
44:13Make sure you all know,
44:14evil octopus queen steal your voice.
44:16All right, that just leads me to thank you so much for watching
44:18and please join me in thanking Paul, Becky, Josh,
44:21Hayley, Lisa and Clean Tony.
44:22We'll see you in seven days, on Seven Days.
44:25CHEERING
44:29Thank you, New Zealand On Air.
44:30Thanks to you, I can afford two nights at a campsite.
44:33LAUGHTER
44:35Imagine me camping!
44:37LAUGHTER
44:38LAUGHTER
44:38LAUGHTER
44:39MUSIC
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