- 12 hours ago
A darkly comedic travelogue of the underworld - set against an all-too-familiar urban backdrop of used car lots, gated communities, strip malls, and the U.S. Capitol. And populated with a contemporary cast of reprobates, including famous - and infamous - politicians, presidents, popes, pimps. And the Prince of Darkness himself.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:01:00I don't think I'm a bitch, but you don't want me to get the phone, man.
00:01:04So do you like my new hair?
00:01:05I love it.
00:01:07You just want me to do it.
00:01:09Shh.
00:01:09Shh.
00:01:10Shh.
00:01:10Shh.
00:01:10Shh.
00:01:11Shh.
00:01:11Shh.
00:01:11Shh.
00:02:21My head's killing me.
00:02:24Where am I?
00:02:26Well, I was some shindig last night.
00:02:28That chick with the mole was pretty hot, man.
00:02:34Maybe Ralph could pick me up.
00:02:37Let's see.
00:02:41Come on.
00:02:43Come on.
00:02:46Shit.
00:02:47No service.
00:02:52How am I gonna get home?
00:02:56How long will I have?
00:03:00That's funny.
00:03:07There's gotta be a place to get some coffee runners for.
00:03:16How long will I have?
00:03:20About halfway through the course of my pathetic life, I woke up and found myself in a stupor in some
00:03:25dark, unfamiliar place.
00:03:28I'm not sure how I ended up there.
00:03:31I guess I had taken a few wrong turns.
00:03:35Just thinking about it now gives me the chills.
00:03:37It was so bleak and depressing.
00:03:40I'd been pretty hammered when I wandered off the night before.
00:03:44You know, I was tired.
00:03:46I must have passed out.
00:03:47I'd become somewhat accustomed to waking up in strange places.
00:03:51As I drifted around in the dark trying to find my way, I remembered some of the details from the
00:03:56party the night before.
00:03:57Details that were far from my finest moments.
00:04:00I felt completely lost and was ready to give up.
00:04:08Watch out!
00:04:10Huh, who's this guy?
00:04:12Hey, excuse me.
00:04:14What's with the bathroom?
00:04:16Hey, old man, can you tell me where I am?
00:04:19I'm not a man now, but I once was.
00:04:21Maybe you know the book I wrote?
00:04:23The Aeneid?
00:04:24You're saying you're Virgil?
00:04:26The guy who wrote the ancient poem like 5,000 years ago?
00:04:29I took a class on that.
00:04:30Any ideas on why the story of the Aeneid begins in the middle?
00:04:35Mr. Alighieri?
00:04:38Mr. Alighieri!
00:04:40Yeah, it's a nice book.
00:04:41You're a genius.
00:04:42So where's the subway?
00:04:44You got a phone stash doing that toga?
00:04:45Mine doesn't have any bars.
00:04:46I have been sent to guide you on a long journey
00:04:50through the deep soil of horror and torment
00:04:52where the dead beg to die once more.
00:04:56Stalker.
00:04:56Whatever, old man.
00:04:58If that's the only way out of here, lead the way.
00:05:01Just don't kill me and stuff me in your freezer.
00:05:05It was right around the time of day when time clocks are punched and beers are opened.
00:05:10But there I was heading towards a darkness that was beyond what I could imagine.
00:05:14Led by an old man who said he was an ancient Roman poet.
00:05:20Hold on a sec, Grandpa. Where are you taking me?
00:05:23You know, I don't have any money.
00:05:26Listen and understand.
00:05:28There is a beautiful woman of virtue.
00:05:31What is?
00:05:31With eyes brighter than the sun.
00:05:33Wait, that's Beatrice. My Beatrice.
00:05:36Yes.
00:05:37She resides on the smallest sphere of Heaven's throne and is watching over you.
00:05:43But Beatrice, but she...
00:05:44Yes.
00:05:45She's dead.
00:05:46Wait, how did you know about Beatrice?
00:05:47She descended from up high and implored me to help you.
00:05:51I can't believe what I'm seeing.
00:05:54I gotta quit drinking.
00:05:56Again.
00:05:56I'm gonna just close my eyes and it's gonna go away.
00:06:00I stand before you now because she came to me and asked for my help.
00:06:04To save a lost young man.
00:06:07Okay, so I'm the lost young man.
00:06:10Yes, you.
00:06:12Now, open your eyes, Dante.
00:06:15Well, I don't know who you are or where the hell I am.
00:06:19I guess I'll go along with you.
00:06:33My cell's still not working.
00:06:35You know where there's an ATM around here?
00:06:37Hey, man.
00:06:38Why are we going down here?
00:06:40Um...
00:06:41I don't know.
00:06:42Maybe I should just find a cab.
00:06:43What?
00:06:44This...
00:06:44This way to the city of pain?
00:06:47Through here.
00:06:47Ceaseless agony awaits.
00:06:48Oh, great.
00:06:49All souls lost must enter here.
00:06:51Bandon all hope on entry here.
00:06:57I don't like the sound of this.
00:07:00I was a lost soul.
00:07:02Although I wouldn't admit it at the time.
00:07:05Whoa, whoa.
00:07:06Hold on there, old man.
00:07:07Where are you going?
00:07:08Come back here.
00:07:09Come on, really.
00:07:09I'm not so sure about this.
00:07:11Come on, come on, come on.
00:07:12Slow down, slow down.
00:07:13Where's this tunnel go?
00:07:16Mr. My friends aren't...
00:07:17You know, they're probably looking for me by now.
00:07:20Let's not kid ourselves, Dante.
00:07:22What's all that noise?
00:07:25Is this like a rave or something?
00:07:27What you hear are the cries of those for whom the world has no record.
00:07:33No justice!
00:07:34No peace!
00:07:35No justice!
00:07:35No justice!
00:07:36Wow!
00:07:36How'd we get to the harbor?
00:07:38Sounds like a protest.
00:07:40When these souls were alive, they never stood up for anything.
00:07:45So in death, they are condemned forever to take a stand.
00:07:49Protesting everything and anything until the end of time.
00:07:54There will be no relief for them.
00:07:56No justice.
00:07:57No peace.
00:07:58Ever.
00:08:00Well, thanks anyway.
00:08:02But I'm not really interested in joining any protests.
00:08:05Those who champion nothing in life shall receive nothing.
00:08:09And so these souls will hang around those barricades forever.
00:08:14Hoping to go somewhere, anywhere.
00:08:17Karma, my dear pilgrim.
00:08:19Listen up, you lightweight pussy girly men.
00:08:22Only real sinners can come across the river to the land of fire and ice and perpetual darkness.
00:08:27Hey, you!
00:08:28Who, me?
00:08:29No living souls allowed here.
00:08:31And you're not crossing the river on this ferry.
00:08:33Hey, we don't want to cross any rivers, do we?
00:08:36Don't be fucking around down here on my ship.
00:08:38Silence, Charon.
00:08:39We will be crossing the Acheron.
00:08:42You can't interfere with events that are preordained.
00:08:44And take off that silly headset.
00:08:47Yeah, a silly headset is essential, eh?
00:08:50Hey, you!
00:08:51Back there!
00:08:51Yeah, you!
00:08:52Asswife!
00:08:53And you!
00:08:53Get on the ferry now and have your goddamn boarding passes out!
00:09:02Who are they?
00:09:04Where do they get to go on the boat?
00:09:06These unrepentant hordes are cursed to actually desire hell rather than fear it.
00:09:12Hell?
00:09:13None but the truly evil cross here, so you can understand why Charon objected to your boarding.
00:09:19Don't fucking eyeball me!
00:09:21What do you mean desire hell?
00:09:23What are you talking about?
00:09:24That's where I'm taking you, Dante.
00:09:27To hell?
00:09:28What?
00:09:29What?
00:09:29What's happening?
00:09:30Oh, shit.
00:09:31Earthquake?
00:09:32Oh!
00:09:33Oh, no!
00:09:34Oh, no!
00:09:37Virgil?
00:09:38What is it, Dante?
00:09:39Virgil, I don't want to go to hell.
00:09:46Oh, man.
00:09:48Is that an earthquake?
00:09:50Where are we?
00:09:52Oh, let me guess.
00:09:53Hell, right?
00:09:55Actually, this is only the threshold.
00:09:57But our travels will take us beyond, into the depths of hell.
00:10:00Wait, I don't understand.
00:10:02Why are you taking me there?
00:10:03Am I dead?
00:10:04Relax, pilgrim.
00:10:06You are not dead.
00:10:07But the rest of us are.
00:10:08And not everyone down here is evil.
00:10:11Below us are souls who have never sinned.
00:10:13But they were never baptized.
00:10:15And sometimes cut a few corners.
00:10:17It's called limbo.
00:10:19I know.
00:10:20Because I reside here, too.
00:10:22Lucky you.
00:10:24There's Lucan.
00:10:25Howdy.
00:10:26Hey, Virgil.
00:10:27Where's this fancy wine you spoke of?
00:10:29Your arms carry none.
00:10:31That's Ovid.
00:10:32Oh, pfft.
00:10:33Everyone's a millionaire where promises are concerned.
00:10:36And there's Horace, the satirist.
00:10:39Wine.
00:10:40Please.
00:10:41The distance our tender minds from vice.
00:10:44Take it easy, Horace.
00:10:46The wine will be delivered after I get this young man through all the nine circles.
00:10:50I'd be happy to go in a beer room.
00:10:51Oh.
00:10:53Dante.
00:10:55See that dignified looking man?
00:10:57Uh-huh.
00:10:58That's Homer.
00:10:59Oh, and there are the two Georges.
00:11:05Whoa.
00:11:06Trannies and limbo?
00:11:08No, no.
00:11:09George Sand and George Eliot.
00:11:11They're pseudonyms.
00:11:12Hello, ladies.
00:11:14Bonjour, Virgil.
00:11:15Ça va?
00:11:16Hello, Virgil.
00:11:17Back in town, I see.
00:11:19Who's the locker?
00:11:20Yeah.
00:11:20I didn't understand why a guy like Virgil would get stuck in limbo forever.
00:11:25Didn't seem fair.
00:11:27Virgil, can't you get out of here?
00:11:28Go someplace nicer?
00:11:29Heaven?
00:11:30A cloud or someplace?
00:11:31Well, my pupil, funny you should ask.
00:11:34Not long after my arrival in limbo, I saw the mighty one descend and choose many for the eternal bliss
00:11:41of heaven.
00:11:42Let's see.
00:11:43Ah.
00:11:44Abel.
00:11:45Nice kid with a shitty brother.
00:11:47And who else?
00:11:49Noah.
00:11:50You're not going to need that range flicker where you're going.
00:11:54Take me.
00:11:54Take me.
00:11:55Take me.
00:11:55Luke and Horace.
00:11:57Take me.
00:11:57Take me.
00:11:58Ah, Moses.
00:11:59Moses supposes his toes are roses.
00:12:03Homer.
00:12:03Take me.
00:12:04Oh, Samuel.
00:12:06Come on.
00:12:06Oh, lay off the donuts, Samuel.
00:12:09Oh, come on.
00:12:09Oh, I need all my powers to...
00:12:11Oh.
00:12:12And there were many others.
00:12:14But understand, before this emancipation, no soul had ever been saved.
00:12:20Ever?
00:12:21Ever.
00:12:22Ever, ever?
00:12:24Come on.
00:12:25It's time to go.
00:12:26Yo, Virgil, baby!
00:12:27Bring back a cotton of smokes, will ya?
00:12:30Menthol!
00:12:31If each soul goes to a different part of hell, how do they get there?
00:12:34Who decides?
00:12:38Hey, what's with all the plumbing?
00:12:40This is Minos' courtroom, where sinners are condemned and appropriately dispatched.
00:12:47Order in the court.
00:12:49I said order!
00:12:50Bailiff!
00:12:51Bring in the next soul, dammit.
00:12:54What was your sin?
00:12:56I downloaded some Metallica.
00:12:58Circle Seven, level one.
00:12:59Petty theft.
00:13:02Wait, I downloaded some Metallica.
00:13:07Oh, shit.
00:13:15That's gotta say.
00:13:16That's gotta say.
00:13:16Next.
00:13:17Next!
00:13:18I honestly don't know why I'm here.
00:13:20Ha! Circle eight, liars!
00:13:23Oh, your honor, please, let me explain.
00:13:27No, no, I wasn't there that night.
00:13:30I didn't see that little girl.
00:13:31I was hauled alone with my...
00:13:33Next!
00:13:35Come on, lady, we got a full docket.
00:13:37Well, simply stated, there is no doubt that he possessed WMDs, and that he was amassing them to use against
00:13:44us and our allies.
00:13:46Circle nine, treacherous fraud!
00:13:51What?
00:13:52Wait, your honor!
00:13:53Oh, you're one of those activist judges, aren't you?
00:13:56Ba-ba-ba.
00:13:56Listen, listen, I had a deal!
00:13:58With the evangelicals!
00:14:03And so I followed Virgil deeper into the pits, down to the second circle, where the souls moaned as they
00:14:09bashed against each other and whipped about.
00:14:12Well, awesome.
00:14:14I love the cinema.
00:14:15We are not here to satisfy the yearnings of your loins, my boy, but to witness the torture of wanton
00:14:22lust.
00:14:22Hey, I like to watch.
00:14:25Behold, Cleopatra of Egypt, the lascivious hussy, who used her body for political gain.
00:14:31Who's that in the Valley of the Kings?
00:14:33Oh, lower.
00:14:35Ménage à trois.
00:14:37Helen of Troy, who as an object of lust was the cause of the Trojan War.
00:14:42Nice face.
00:14:43Boz.
00:14:45Virgil, if they're being punished, why do they get to have sex all the time?
00:14:50I don't think you really understand.
00:14:53Witness the fate of the actor, Fatty Arbuckle.
00:14:58Hey, Fatty's got it, Fatty.
00:15:02Move along, Dante.
00:15:06Okay, well...
00:15:07Break a leg, Fatty.
00:15:11That one is JFK.
00:15:13Everyone knows he always excelled at diplomacy.
00:15:17It's tough work in the Oval Office.
00:15:22Paul Gauguin, spending some quality time with his beloved Tahitians.
00:15:27Man, if that's punishment, huh, Virgil?
00:15:32Dante, do you understand the meaning of the word eternity?
00:15:38No.
00:15:42Put a shekel in the slot.
00:15:46Okay.
00:15:51Dang.
00:15:52Thank you, living soul, for having a peep.
00:15:55You're welcome.
00:15:55I am Francesca, and I was born in a town at the mouth of the Po River.
00:16:00Well, it's actually more of a delta, really, than a river mouth, but everyone calls it a river mouth.
00:16:05A river mouth?
00:16:07Anyway, this is Paolo.
00:16:11To make your acquaintance.
00:16:13Enjoying your stay?
00:16:15Yeah.
00:16:15He fell in love with me, and I was totally into him, too.
00:16:18And we ended up in bed, and we really shouldn't have.
00:16:22Now we're here, united in hell, same as we were united by our sin on Earth.
00:16:26Doesn't make sense.
00:16:27I thought love was supposed to be the best thing in the whole world.
00:16:31How can you deserve this kind of punishment just for being in love with each other?
00:16:34Okay.
00:16:35It was like this.
00:16:36One afternoon, we bumped into each other.
00:16:38It was a beautiful day, and romance was in the air.
00:16:41We read from King Arthur's stories about Sir Lancelot and Guinevere.
00:16:45I don't know if you've read it or anything, but some parts of that book are pretty racy.
00:16:50Queen Guinevere bethought herself that she would like to go a main in the woods.
00:16:54See, one thing led to another, and we got intimate.
00:16:58Anyway, we were fucking.
00:16:59And then somebody walked in on us.
00:17:03Honey, I got off early, so I thought we could...
00:17:07It was Paolo's older brother, Giacotto, who happens to be my husband.
00:17:15Wanton hussy!
00:17:19Cheap tart!
00:17:22Cheap tart!
00:17:25Cheap tart!
00:17:26Cheap tart!
00:17:30Cheap tart!
00:17:31Cheap tart!
00:17:35That and that!
00:17:37Oh, what the devil.
00:17:40It was the second time that day that I passed out.
00:17:43Virgil must have thought I was a total wuss.
00:17:47Virgil, I still feel bad for those two
00:17:49They were in love
00:17:50Whoa
00:17:51Hey, hey, no, no
00:17:52Get back
00:17:54Down
00:17:54Good dog
00:17:55Good dog
00:17:56Good
00:17:57Service
00:17:58Heal
00:17:59I said heal
00:18:02No
00:18:26Hey, nice shot
00:18:27Where'd you get the gun?
00:18:28I see it
00:18:29Every dog has his day
00:18:31That beast, Macerabas, regards the third circle
00:18:35Hey, you
00:18:36Who, me?
00:18:37Yeah, you, the living tourist
00:18:39Don't you recognize me?
00:18:42No
00:18:42They grew up around the corner from you
00:18:45They called me El Gordo
00:18:48Oh, yeah
00:18:49Yeah, from the ice cream truck
00:18:51Those were the days
00:18:53Yeah
00:18:55Now I'm condemned to lounging this muck
00:18:57I need everything in sight
00:18:59I don't even want to eat
00:19:01I'm stuffed
00:19:02Isn't it appalling?
00:19:04Well
00:19:04I bet I'll see even worse tortures below
00:19:06But
00:19:07But I doubt there'll be anything as fucking gross as you
00:19:11Ah, fuck you
00:19:13Hey
00:19:14You got any pudding?
00:19:16You want to go back to the old neighborhood?
00:19:18Not if I can help it
00:19:19Yeah
00:19:20That place is so full of itself
00:19:22I can't see its own goddamn shoes
00:19:24And it's gonna get worse
00:19:26Everyone up there on the surface
00:19:28Will get fatter and fatter and fatter
00:19:32We're all in a giant third circle construction boom right now
00:19:36Just to accommodate them all
00:19:39Oh, yeah
00:19:40Bring it on
00:19:44Hey, right on
00:19:46Wow
00:19:49Got some candy?
00:19:52Seeing El Gordo had me thinking about the old neighborhood
00:19:56If it wasn't for the outstanding warrants, I'd be there
00:19:59Maybe having a beer at Tierney's
00:20:01Of course, that's neither here nor there
00:20:03Just saying
00:20:04Next, we came upon the fourth circle
00:20:08Greed
00:20:10These myopic souls were consumed by avarice on Earth
00:20:14I knew some greedy bastards up there
00:20:16I bet I'll recognize some of them
00:20:18It doesn't work that way here
00:20:21Because they led undistinguished lives
00:20:24They are made indistinguishable in the afterlife
00:20:28They must spend eternity pushing the objects they coveted
00:20:34Serves them right for driving those behemoths
00:20:36Oh, Dante, I'll carry
00:20:38You want one of these, don't you?
00:20:42Who's that?
00:20:43Smell the luxurious new leather
00:20:46Who's saying that?
00:20:47Never mind
00:20:48Let's go
00:20:49Think of how jealous the neighbors will be
00:20:51Dante
00:20:52Where's that coming from?
00:20:53Is it her?
00:20:54You're hearing things
00:20:56Look, her lips aren't moving
00:20:57Oh, come on
00:20:59You can afford one
00:21:01Nobody's lips move in this place
00:21:02There's lots of room in the back seat
00:21:04For me
00:21:05And you
00:21:07You want one
00:21:09Does it come in canary yellow?
00:21:11Snap out of it
00:21:12Ah, jeez
00:21:14We should get going
00:21:15For it's nearly midnight
00:21:16Great wretchedness awaits us across the river Styx
00:21:19Oh, great wretchedness
00:21:32Yo, taxi
00:21:42Welcome to the fifth circle, laddies
00:21:44You're gonna love it
00:21:44You need anything
00:21:45I can get it
00:21:46Coke, bennies, girls, boys
00:21:48I don't care what the fuck you're into
00:21:50Get in
00:21:51Where are you staying now?
00:21:52The Trump Plaza?
00:21:53That's fine now, fine
00:21:54Alright then
00:21:55Well, the fare's two cents, laddies
00:21:57Two cents apiece
00:22:04This is nice
00:22:05Smells funny, though
00:22:08The city of Dis is surrounded by the river Styx
00:22:11I love Styx
00:22:12Till now we have seen the sins of passion and emotion
00:22:15You ever hear of the Paradise Theater album?
00:22:18Yes
00:22:18Once we're inside the city walls
00:22:20We will visit those who have committed more heinous sins
00:22:23Those of violence, of fraud
00:22:26Can't wait
00:22:27Well, looks like some of those bastards are out for a swing
00:22:30But these are the souls of the angry
00:22:33Angry?
00:22:34Angry at what?
00:22:35At everything
00:22:36At life
00:22:37Now they are condemned to wallow in their fury
00:22:40Fighting each other forever in this filthy cesspool
00:22:44Hey, none of them's coming towards the boat
00:22:46Help me, please, help me
00:22:49You look
00:22:50Wait, Mr. Argenti?
00:22:52Dante Alighieri, my good boy
00:22:54Please take pity on me
00:22:57Virgil, this was my swim coach
00:22:59You sadistic prick
00:23:01I was just trying to make you a good swimmer
00:23:04You tortured us kids, man
00:23:06I did the best I could
00:23:09Serves you right for the way you treated us kids all those years
00:23:12It was tough, Bob
00:23:13Don't come to us for pity, Argenti
00:23:16You have only yourself to blame for your fate
00:23:19Kiss my ass
00:23:21Oh, Dante, my indignant pilgrim
00:23:23Blessed is the warm womb that sprung you onto this earth
00:23:27You are now beginning to understand that people are down here for a reason
00:23:31I could swim forever
00:23:32Yeah, well, I can't help but enjoy watching him drown
00:23:36His punishments are worse than just drowning, Dante
00:23:40Observe
00:23:54It made me strangely happy seeing my old coach treading water
00:23:58And I was thinking that this whole place might have its good points
00:24:02I was starting to be glad I had met crazy old Virgil after all
00:24:09All right, this is it, end of the line
00:24:12Get out of me fucking boat
00:24:17So, this is this, huh?
00:24:20I thought it'd be more, I don't know, creepy or something
00:24:24Looks like someplace my parents would live
00:24:27Exactly, my dear boy, exactly
00:24:30Now, just keep quiet and let me do the talking
00:24:34Welcome to the City of Dips
00:24:37A planned community
00:24:38My name is Linda
00:24:40How may I help you today?
00:24:42Hello, Linda
00:24:43Can you buzz us in, please?
00:24:46You may enter, sir
00:24:47But I'm afraid the City of Dips
00:24:49A planned community
00:24:50Does not allow the undead to enter our room
00:24:53We're here for the model home timeshare presentation
00:24:56And the free trip to the Bahamas
00:24:58He's a prospective buyer
00:25:00And he's got cash
00:25:01Uh, cash?
00:25:04Well, come on in, baby
00:25:14Hey, guys
00:25:15Welcome to the fabulous planned community of the City of Dips
00:25:18You are gonna love our 15 golf courses
00:25:21Where are the wives?
00:25:22Shopping, I bet?
00:25:22You boys have kids?
00:25:23No?
00:25:24Gay?
00:25:24I'm not telling
00:25:26You want a cookie?
00:25:28No?
00:25:28I got milk
00:25:29Okay, man, let's get started
00:25:32Follow me, gents
00:25:33Our magnificent model home is directly in front of us
00:25:35That's what we want
00:25:36Quiet
00:25:36Go, go, go
00:25:43Before me stretched a health spa
00:25:45Of such endless suffering and misery
00:25:47I almost canceled my gym membership when I got home
00:25:51Wow, water looks hot
00:25:52Wow, water looks hot
00:25:53Virg, what do these guys do?
00:25:55These sufferers are the heretics and their followers
00:25:58And the more wretchedly they sinned above, the hotter their tubs boil below
00:26:02Wow, the heretics, huh?
00:26:04They falsely represented themselves as possessing the divine truth
00:26:08Hey, you, you're from the old neighborhood
00:26:10I can tell by your accent
00:26:12Do I know you?
00:26:14I'm Dante Alighieri, who the hell are you?
00:26:16I'm Ferinata
00:26:17Didn't I evict you last year from that apartment?
00:26:21Wow, that's my landlord
00:26:22Right on
00:26:23As you may remember, you and I were in opposite political parties
00:26:28And the future doesn't look good for your side
00:26:31Power will remain out of your reach till the earth is as good as lost
00:26:35And our righteous godly party will crush all who oppose us
00:26:40You know, after you kicked me out, I slept in my car for two weeks before I...
00:26:44You like that, boss?
00:26:46Hey, did I say you were done?
00:26:47Get back down there
00:26:49Tootsie-fruotsie
00:26:50So, Ferinata, what in the hell makes you such an expert on the future?
00:26:54As heretics, we're in a kind of Buddhist hell
00:26:57We clearly see the past and the future
00:26:59But are totally unaware of the present
00:27:01You know of many who dwell here yourself
00:27:04There's L. Ron Hubbard
00:27:06Would you like to take a free personality test?
00:27:09And Jim Jones from Gaëlla
00:27:11Who's thirsty? I got Kool-Aid!
00:27:14Oh look, Billy Sande!
00:27:16Oh, and Father divine
00:27:17Ayatollah Khomeini
00:27:19And Cardinal John O'Connor
00:27:21Wrapped by Mayor Kahane
00:27:23Joseph Smith
00:27:24Oh, for fighting to swear
00:27:27Man, never liked that bastard
00:27:29Kick me out just cause I had a Darwin fish on my car
00:27:32What's eating you?
00:27:33His political predictions
00:27:35It's depressing
00:27:36I want to move to Vancouver except the weather sucks
00:27:39And I hate hockey
00:27:40Someday you will appear before Beatrice
00:27:43And she will explain your future
00:27:45In a way that transcends the ebbs and flows of human events
00:27:49And you will understand many of the things you now find confusing
00:27:52Oh, Beatrice, come to me, Beatrice
00:27:55That day in the woods
00:27:56Dante?
00:27:56Oh, Beatrice
00:27:57Beatrice
00:27:58Dante!
00:27:59Snap out of it
00:28:00Ow!
00:28:00Man, that hurt
00:28:01It's the big picture
00:28:02Keep your eyes on it
00:28:04And don't get distracted so easily
00:28:08You didn't have to do that
00:28:10I was listening
00:28:12Man, that hurt
00:28:16Didn't take you for a violent man
00:28:17But you keep slapping me and waving that gun around
00:28:20It's no wonder you're in hell
00:28:22Oh, holy shit, Purge
00:28:24What's that smell?
00:28:25It's hell, Dante
00:28:26Get used to it
00:28:28But it really stinks
00:28:29Sometimes I forget
00:28:31You're only mortal
00:28:32Why don't we take a break
00:28:33So you can get used to this fetid stench
00:28:36There's a rest stop just ahead
00:28:37Thank you
00:28:37Yeah, okay
00:28:38You're the boss
00:28:42We walked to the crumbling brink of a very high cliff
00:28:45And far down below, I could see the ledges of the lower circles
00:28:50This place is huge
00:28:52Where the hell are we?
00:28:54Where the hell indeed, my pilgrim
00:28:56We have passed through six circles of the inferno
00:28:58Below us are the remaining three
00:29:00Next is Circle 7
00:29:03Take a look
00:29:05This is where the sinners of violence are castigated
00:29:09As there are three potential victims of violence
00:29:12The seventh circle has three ditches within it
00:29:17Ditch one
00:29:18Folks who steal things from others
00:29:20Destroy property that doesn't belong to them
00:29:23Extort money and favors
00:29:25Rob, rape, and murder other people
00:29:30Ditch two
00:29:31Violence against oneself
00:29:32Suicide
00:29:33And also those who destroyed and wasted their own property
00:29:37Here we also find gamblers and whores
00:29:40And drunks
00:29:42Ring 3
00:29:44Violence against God
00:29:45People who win against nature
00:29:48Who curse
00:29:49And swear
00:29:51And blaspheme
00:29:53Circle 8
00:29:54Is for the sins of fraud
00:29:57Which are even worse because in God's eyes
00:29:59Fraud comes purely from man himself
00:30:02And betrays the universal bond between all humans
00:30:05These sinners are sent deeper and get worse punishments
00:30:08It's a veritable pig pile of crooks
00:30:11Liars
00:30:13Liars
00:30:13Conmen
00:30:14Conmen
00:30:15Tax evaders
00:30:17Tax evaders
00:30:17Pimps
00:30:18Pimps
00:30:19Drug dealers
00:30:20Grifters
00:30:22Grifters
00:30:23Schmoozers
00:30:23Schmoozers
00:30:24Moochers
00:30:25Ambulance chasers
00:30:27And just plain old pricks
00:30:30Circle 9 is reserved for the sinners of treachery
00:30:35Such as fraud against your family
00:30:38And friends
00:30:39And country
00:30:41And hospitality
00:30:43Yes, treachery goes against everything natural
00:30:46And betrays even love itself
00:30:49Who's that guy?
00:30:50Oh, he shot Gandhi
00:30:52In the throne of Dis
00:30:54In the very center of the universe
00:30:56Down in the darkest deepest ninth circle
00:31:00All traitors are being tortured forever
00:31:03Never
00:31:04Never
00:31:05Never
00:31:07Never
00:31:07Never
00:31:08Never
00:31:09Never
00:31:10Never
00:31:11Never
00:31:11Never
00:31:14The stink of hell was becoming more than I could bear
00:31:17And I felt weak and hungry
00:31:19There's a Greek food stand in the seventh circle that's run by the Minotaur
00:31:23Who was conceived when a bull had sex with a lady hiding in a wooden cow
00:31:28That's what Virgil said, anyway
00:31:30Fine
00:31:31Let's get some kebabs
00:31:33Not a good idea
00:31:43Not a good idea
00:31:50One lump or two
00:31:52Yeah
00:31:56Hey
00:31:57Freeze assholes
00:31:58Where the fuck do you think you're going?
00:31:59Oh, we got a live one here
00:32:02Uh, Vert
00:32:03Blood spills quickly from a beaten heart
00:32:05Don't inflame yourself, Chiron
00:32:08This man is no rogue
00:32:09We need a ride to the river
00:32:11We'd appreciate your service and protection
00:32:13Sure
00:32:14We'll take you wherever you wanna go
00:32:34Welcome to the beautiful river of blood, the phlegathon
00:32:38It surrounds the pits of violence
00:32:40It surrounds the pits of violence
00:32:41And its vice offenders are condemned to bathe in the blood of the millions of victims
00:32:46Now on the right you can observe a group of infamous war marmers
00:32:50Here's Joseph Stalin
00:32:52Here's Joseph Stalin
00:32:53Nosvedonia
00:32:53And General Curtis Lame
00:32:56They didn't call me iron ass for nothing
00:32:58Iron ass
00:32:59And that's Mussolini
00:33:05And his royal highness, emperor Hirohito
00:33:08Domo arigato
00:33:10Mr. Roboto
00:33:12It sticks
00:33:13It sticks
00:33:14Right on
00:33:14Shut up
00:33:16Blind hatred and lust for power are sins that sure drive our lives on earth
00:33:20But in return, we get a bitter forever in the city of Dis
00:33:24A planned community
00:33:29Thinking of the millions those guys slaughtered
00:33:32It seemed to me like hell was making more sense the deeper we went
00:33:36But as it turned out, it's not always that simple
00:33:39If you snap a twig off that tree, you'll see who's crying
00:33:47Ouch you bitch, that's my wood
00:33:49Huh?
00:33:50My good man, if you don't refrain from breaking my branches, I'm gonna punch you in the balls
00:33:54Seriously
00:33:56Relax, I told him to
00:33:58Just tell him your story
00:33:59The long version?
00:34:01No
00:34:01Short
00:34:02All right
00:34:03I was George Sanders, the actor
00:34:05I won an Oscar for my portrayal of acidic theatre critic Addison DeWitt in All About Eve
00:34:10It's known as the three suicide movie
00:34:13I was one and over there is Barbara Bates
00:34:16Hi honey
00:34:17And Marilyn Monroe
00:34:19Welcome to hell
00:34:21Anyway, first I wrote a note that read
00:34:23Dear world, I'm leaving you because I am bored
00:34:27I'm leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool
00:34:30Good luck
00:34:31Then I took an overdose of Nembitor
00:34:33Is that short enough?
00:34:34Um, yeah sure, but why are you guys all trees?
00:34:38It's called punishment, Mr. Alighieri
00:34:40Because we abandon our bodies on earth, our souls are imprisoned in these trees
00:34:45Plus we're relentlessly being dumped upon, it's extremely unpleasant
00:34:51Unless you're into that kind of thing I guess
00:34:53Not to mention the tourists who poach souvenirs
00:34:56Yeah, sorry about that
00:34:57Here's your stick bag
00:34:58No, fuck off
00:35:02That's what hell was like
00:35:03A nice little park line with beautiful oak trees
00:35:06But then you learn there are people who committed suicide who are trapped in those trees
00:35:10Forever
00:35:16All right girls, five dollar cover tonight
00:35:18Five dollars
00:35:19Wow, I don't believe it
00:35:22Dante
00:35:22Dante Alighieri
00:35:23Is it you?
00:35:24What a miracle to see you here
00:35:26Looking good too
00:35:27Have you been working out?
00:35:29Mr. Latini
00:35:30I didn't recognize you out of the classroom
00:35:32What are you doing down here?
00:35:34It's these ancient sodomy laws, my son
00:35:36They're still on the books in some states
00:35:38Plus those so-called Christian values
00:35:40Don't ask, don't tell
00:35:41My orientation doesn't go over so well
00:35:43Oh, you're getting
00:35:44Exactly
00:35:45Look in the window of the white swallow, my son
00:35:47We are condemned to dance to house music for all eternity
00:35:52House music
00:35:53We may wanna stop dancing
00:35:54But we cannot rest, we must dance
00:35:58It doesn't matter, we may be completely totally exhausted
00:36:01Hmm
00:36:03But we gotta keep dancing
00:36:05Hey, Mr. Latini, so who's down here, huh?
00:36:08I've always wondered who's like, you know
00:36:10Alexander the Great, Abe Lincoln, Paul Linde
00:36:13Who's on the dance floor?
00:36:14Uh-huh, well from the left, Roy Cohn
00:36:16And behind him, his mentor, Joe McCarthy
00:36:18That's J. Edgar Hoover in the girdle with his boy toy
00:36:20Clyde Tolson in the hat
00:36:22Liberace, of course
00:36:23The guy who killed Versace
00:36:25There's the Nazi Ernst Rome
00:36:26A representative of the British Navy
00:36:29And then there's a bunch of fun guys from the diocese of Boston, Massachusetts
00:36:34Shake it, don't break it, boys
00:36:35Ow!
00:36:37But enough about us
00:36:38It's obvious why we're here
00:36:39But what about you, huh?
00:36:41I never would've guessed
00:36:43Hmm...
00:36:43No, no, no
00:36:44It's nothing like that
00:36:45I was really lost, but I'm getting along all right now
00:36:48Uh-huh
00:36:48I'm bummed about finding you here
00:36:50You were such a great teacher
00:36:51Thank you, Dante, my boy
00:36:53You were always a great student
00:36:54But let me warn you
00:36:55Don't worry about what the critics are going to write
00:36:58Just keep...
00:37:00Get your sorry ass in here, Mary
00:37:02Fame and glory and movie deals will be the sweet fruits of your labor
00:37:06And remember to buy my book, The Treasure
00:37:08It's my best work and it's out in paperback
00:37:11Good luck, Dante! Mwah!
00:37:14And as he began to bust a move, I was not surprised to see Mr. Latini
00:37:18My teacher was by far the best dancer in the house
00:37:24I was still thinking about Mr. Latini as we walked along
00:37:28And before we knew it, we had left the city behind
00:37:30This is the great monster of fraud
00:37:34With the pointed tail who defies all weapons or cages
00:37:38All truth and reason
00:37:40And who casts a permanent stench across the earth
00:37:45This beast is going to take us down to the lower levels
00:37:49I've never been in a helicopter before
00:37:51Mr. Alighieri, is it not true that you're sympathetic to the homosexual agenda?
00:37:56What?
00:37:57Your critics say that you're an appeaser of terrorists
00:38:00Don't respond, keep moving
00:38:03Are you now or have you ever been a moral relativist?
00:38:06Brocha, what was that all about?
00:38:08They're always trying to put their spin on things
00:38:11And words leaked out, you're here
00:38:13Oh, great
00:38:15Hang on now, this thing means head to the right
00:38:20You can't avoid us forever, Mr. Alighieri
00:38:23The hounds are at the gates
00:38:32It was a bumpy ride
00:38:34I was more terrified than JFK Jr.
00:38:38Or Amelia Earhart
00:38:39Or Patsy Cline
00:38:40Or John Denver
00:38:41Or Thurman Munson
00:38:43Or Glenn Miller
00:38:44Or Ricky Nelson
00:38:45Or Payne Stewart
00:38:47Buddy Holly
00:38:47Or Stevie Ray Vaughan
00:38:49Or Leonard Skinnerd
00:38:51Or...
00:38:52Leonard Skinnerd is not a person
00:38:53Yeah, he is
00:38:54It's not a he, it's an ensemble
00:38:58Whatever
00:38:58Freebird!
00:39:05Okay, Dante
00:39:06Time to deplane
00:39:07What?
00:39:09Go down that?
00:39:09Hell no
00:39:10Isn't there another way down?
00:39:12Yes
00:39:16AHHHHH!
00:39:17AHHHHH!
00:39:20AHHHHH!
00:39:20AHHHHH!
00:39:20AHHHHH!
00:39:20AHHHHH!
00:39:21AHHHHH!
00:39:28Always clowning around
00:39:30I landed hard on the streets of fraud
00:39:33The Eighth Circle
00:39:34First up
00:39:36The Seducers
00:39:37The Seducers
00:39:40What's up player?
00:39:41Looking for a date?
00:39:42Got that hot chocolate?
00:39:44Hundred bucks
00:39:44Yo, yo, yo, dog
00:39:45Be cool!
00:39:46Five old man Celia
00:40:04How good you look in here
00:40:07Don't baby me motherfucker
00:40:09Don't blow smoke up my ass
00:40:11Get back to work
00:40:11You freeloading cocksuckers
00:40:17You Johns need a ride?
00:40:19Yes madam
00:40:20That would be lovely
00:40:21Well get the fuck in the car then bitch
00:40:26So long motherfucker
00:40:28Shit
00:40:28That's a cold ass bitch
00:40:31I was sure glad to get a ride from Celia
00:40:34Even if she was a demon pimp
00:40:35Virgil and I had been walking all around for a long time
00:40:38And that place was big
00:40:39But in a ride it took only a few minutes to go from the hood to Capitol Hill
00:40:45Hmm
00:40:46This place looks familiar
00:40:48Have I been here before?
00:40:50What the hell were you doing in social studies class fool?
00:40:53Go easy on him toots
00:40:55You see Dante
00:40:57This is the capitol building
00:40:58Yeah
00:40:58Where your elected representatives do the people's business
00:41:01They're called senators and congressmen
00:41:04Yeah, yeah, yeah
00:41:05I know
00:41:05Congressmen or congresspeople, whatever
00:41:08I've got some brain cells left
00:41:11This is the home of the flatterers
00:41:13Flatterers?
00:41:15You go to hell for flattery?
00:41:17Shit
00:41:18Oh man
00:41:19Do you have any idea how many dates I've been on? I'm screwed
00:41:22Wait, what does the capitol building have to do with flattery?
00:41:25Well, Dante Alighieri
00:41:26I'm glad you asked
00:41:28Hit it boys
00:41:40We are the flatterers
00:41:43And we flatter away the time
00:41:46We are the lip smackers and the chatterers
00:41:51But you can call us lobbyists and we won't mind
00:41:58So long as you're buying
00:42:01So long as you're buying
00:42:01So long as you're buying
00:42:02So long as you're buying
00:42:12We are the lobbyists and we flatter away the time
00:42:20We get what we want, and if you want to
00:42:25We can grease up any sticky wheels that you might find
00:42:32So long as you're buying
00:42:37You see, now we put the Congress in place
00:42:42By putting big bucks on every horse in the race
00:42:46So if we need a favor or two
00:42:49How well they want to stay elected and they know the vow too
00:43:06We send them away on vacation
00:43:10To plunk it on a drunken in a warmer climate
00:43:14We write all the laws for them
00:43:19And when they're on the links, the good old boys don't find
00:43:26Cause who's got the time?
00:43:30So long as we're buying
00:43:33And besides, who knows better how to write a law than us?
00:43:37The lobbyists who are hired by the corporations who will benefit from that law
00:43:41That's right, baby, and we have lots of experience we can draw on
00:43:45Just watch
00:43:45One day I'm a military procurement officer buying the weapons the military needs
00:43:50The next day I'm a lobbyist working for the defense contractors who make the weapons the military needs
00:43:55The third day I'm a congressman appropriating the weapons the military needs
00:44:00And the fourth day, once again I'm a military procurement officer buying the weapons the military needs
00:44:05I'm a revolving dog
00:44:05But others say I'm just a whore
00:44:08We are chameleons
00:44:13We scatter away the time
00:44:17We are the bat scratchers and the cheats
00:44:21But every chip will come home to roost in her sweet time
00:44:28As long as you're buying
00:44:32Dogs will have their day
00:44:36As every piper gets paid
00:44:40Counting beds bring their way
00:44:44And we've got our debt to repay
00:44:58Hey, hey, stop the car
00:45:01What is it, Dante?
00:45:03There's a church in hell?
00:45:04Yes, it's the headquarters for the sinners of Simony
00:45:08Simony?
00:45:09Man, they're just a bunch of low-life crooks who cashed in on their positions in the church
00:45:43Oh my, those nails
00:45:46Celia, is that you?
00:45:48Baby, you got that right
00:45:49How you been?
00:45:50Oh, baby
00:45:52I've been better
00:45:53Are you being punished for your foot fetish, you freak?
00:45:57Oh, no, my child
00:45:59I finagled sweet deals for my family from my throne
00:46:02Oh, you bad pilot, you
00:46:04Oh, I'm not the only one, Celia
00:46:07It's all in the stained glass
00:46:10There's Pope Alexander VI
00:46:12He purchased votes to win the papal election
00:46:15Killed his enemies
00:46:16Amassed a fortune and made his kid a cardinal
00:46:20Next, we have Pope John XII
00:46:22Who not only bought his election and toasted Satan
00:46:25But also had sex with virgins, widows, hunting pals, his niece, sister, mother
00:46:30And other assorted individuals
00:46:33And finally, Pope Boniface VIII
00:46:36Who used his considerable power to manipulate political events
00:46:40And change the course of history
00:46:42Man, you're making this up
00:46:45Young man
00:46:47Go forth and Google
00:46:49Shit never changes, eh, boys?
00:46:52Fuck yeah
00:46:53Pissed me off filthy, greedy pricks
00:46:56Or in the name of God
00:46:58My ass
00:46:59Incoming!
00:47:04We cruised around town for a bit
00:47:06And I saw some amazing places down there
00:47:08We came to this one place
00:47:10Where there were tons of fortune tellers
00:47:13And psychics and botanicas
00:47:15Hey, let me read your cards
00:47:17What's that up there?
00:47:18I'm trying to get over there
00:47:18I can't go there
00:47:19Oh my, oh my God
00:47:20Whoa, nude
00:47:21They fucking heads are on backwards, shit for brains
00:47:25Since they spent their lives trying to look into the future
00:47:28They're now compelled to look solely at the past
00:47:30I got Johns who pay for a piece of that kinky shit
00:47:33I'm an Aquarius
00:47:34Damn, that's Ronnie Reagan
00:47:37Hello, Reagan
00:47:38I've been seeing a cigarette
00:47:39Oh, why are you finding a...
00:47:41What?
00:47:42What is that Hitler?
00:47:43Yes
00:47:44Look at my crotch
00:47:44Both he and Reagan consulted astrologers
00:47:46Wait
00:47:48What?
00:47:49Hitler is in hell for consulting astrologers?
00:47:52Is this some kind of joke?
00:47:54Sometimes the only way bad guys get nailed is on a technicality
00:47:57Just look at the stuff that's been making it to The Hague lately
00:48:00Here we go
00:48:01Okay
00:48:01Look at my muscles
00:48:03Zang
00:48:04No more daily news horoscope for me
00:48:06One muscle is very hard
00:48:08Let me touch him
00:48:09Touch him
00:48:09You can touch my muscles
00:48:11Come on, boys
00:48:11There's a little shower now
00:48:13To make muscles hard and wet
00:48:22Terminal five
00:48:23End of the line, gentleman
00:48:25Goodbye, Celia
00:48:26Call me
00:48:27So long, sucker
00:48:30Baggage unattended
00:48:31Please remove all little objects
00:48:34Reach gate for heaven
00:48:35Change
00:48:35And cell phones
00:48:37From your pockets
00:48:38Place them in the containers
00:48:39And put them on the belt
00:48:41Next
00:48:47Oh, shit
00:48:48All right, Senator
00:48:49I gotta warn you
00:48:50Put your feet on the mat
00:48:52Very well
00:48:53Arms out
00:48:54I really enjoy this
00:48:55Very good
00:48:56Watch that thing
00:48:58You know who I am
00:49:00I've been making laws
00:49:02Oh, we got something
00:49:04Okay, Senator
00:49:05Okay, Senator
00:49:05What is this?
00:49:06At this point in time
00:49:07I have no direct knowledge
00:49:08Of the matter of which
00:49:09You refer in your query
00:49:10Yeah, yeah, yeah
00:49:11You better follow me, Senator
00:49:13Virgil, where are they?
00:49:14Shh
00:49:15I don't want them to notice us
00:49:16Turn around
00:49:20Oh, now bend over
00:49:22Bend over?
00:49:23Oh, shit
00:49:24What are you doing back there?
00:49:25No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not the toll
00:49:28Oh, my God!
00:49:31What the truth!
00:49:33Will you stop breathing down my neck?
00:49:36Wait, you're breathing?
00:49:37Yes, this man's a living soul.
00:49:39You look familiar.
00:49:41Are you Margaret Thatcher?
00:49:42No.
00:49:43I am former vice president of the United States, Spiro Agnew.
00:49:47I have been falsely accused of taking bribes in my vice president's office
00:49:51that were still due to me from my days as a county executive in Maryland.
00:49:55Next!
00:49:56That's me.
00:49:57Hey, nice to meet you, Pilgrim.
00:50:00Eh, come on.
00:50:03Batter up.
00:50:03I will remind you that I am the former vice president of the United States.
00:50:07Yeah, yeah, and I'm the king of France.
00:50:10Attention all TSA personnel.
00:50:13Spiro Agnew is in the house.
00:50:15I repeat, Spiro Agnew is in the house.
00:50:18Come on, boys!
00:50:19Let's bump him!
00:50:19Look at that!
00:50:21Hey, you like that?
00:50:23Here's our chance.
00:50:24Oh, I love my job.
00:50:25We're going to make a run for him.
00:50:26I'll go.
00:50:27This will teach him, you natter and nabob and negativity.
00:50:35Security breach.
00:50:36Code yellow.
00:50:42I'm gaining on him.
00:50:44Code orange.
00:50:45Code orange.
00:50:47He's gaining on his verge.
00:50:50Leave it to me.
00:51:04Code red.
00:51:06Code red.
00:51:09Code red.
00:51:09Code red.
00:51:09That way.
00:51:10Off the stage.
00:51:12Fast.
00:51:17They got away, sir.
00:51:19God damn it.
00:51:20Call off the alert.
00:51:23I hate airports.
00:51:25I haven't run that fast since my last divorce.
00:51:28I've been horribly out of shape since my death.
00:51:32Code red.
00:51:33I'll be right.
00:51:43A parade?
00:51:45These are the hypocrites.
00:51:47And while their costumes seem light and catchy and harmless, they're a form of punishment.
00:51:52So what you see is not what he did you should talk to them find out
00:51:59Excuse me, this is Butterworth
00:52:04God damn it. I'm Senator from Thurman. What are you doing in that costume?
00:52:11Get me the hell out of this mammoth thing will you for Christ's sake?
00:52:14I love you. You love me. I love you.
00:52:20Who's that? Sorry-looking guy.
00:52:22You love me. Looks familiar.
00:52:24I am Caiaphas.
00:52:27I advised Pontius Pilate to give Jesus up to the Romans to be crucified.
00:52:35He made it possible for Christians.
00:52:38Like Pius XII.
00:52:42To blame the Jews for killing Christ.
00:52:46I love you. You love me. I love you. You love me. I love you.
00:53:01This place is so gray.
00:53:07Wow, are these ghosts?
00:53:10Boo.
00:53:10Huh?
00:53:11Did I scare you?
00:53:12No, I didn't.
00:53:14What the?
00:53:15Virg?
00:53:16Virgil, why do these guys look like me?
00:53:17I'm much better looking than all you freaks.
00:53:20Hey, I'm going nuts.
00:53:22Speak for yourself.
00:53:23Virgil, what's going on?
00:53:25Virgil, what's going on?
00:53:27Virgil, what's going on?
00:53:27Good question, Dante. The answer will soon become clear to you.
00:53:31I say that all the time in my best patronizing tone.
00:53:35It's designed to annoy and frustrate you no end.
00:53:39And I can tell by the expression on your simple faces that it's working like a charm.
00:53:43Ignore them. They are not me.
00:53:46Ignore him. I am he.
00:53:48Now it's your turn to say something juvenile, sophomoric and fatuous, Dante.
00:54:00This is so totally weird. And I'm so ridiculous.
00:54:04I'm a professional genius.
00:54:07Virgil, will one of you tell me what's going on?
00:54:09Yes, my pupil.
00:54:11These?
00:54:11Are all clones. It's a stem cell research explosion.
00:54:16A science fair project gone bad.
00:54:19These are the identity thieves.
00:54:21They stole others' identities on Earth for financial gain.
00:54:25I'm God's gift to women.
00:54:27We have no identities at all.
00:54:30Except when some clod like you walks by, then we assume your repulsive identity.
00:54:36Like Tofu taking on flavors in a walk.
00:54:39I'm losing my mind.
00:54:41I can't argue with that.
00:54:42What mind?
00:54:44Anyone seen my mind? It's kind of gray and gelatinous.
00:54:47I think I stepped in it.
00:54:49Beatrice, Beatrice.
00:54:51Give me Scarlett Johansson.
00:54:52We are not here to satisfy the yearnings of your loins, my boy.
00:54:57Virgil, which one is you?
00:54:59I am! I am! I am!
00:55:03Virgil, which one is you?
00:55:05This way, Dante.
00:55:07No, you're not him. Wrong way.
00:55:11Virg?
00:55:12Over here! Over here!
00:55:15No! Over here!
00:55:18Where is Heaven's Gate? I'm looking for Saint Peter and Keith...
00:55:22Peter, where are you?
00:55:23Maybe Heaven's Gate is back this way.
00:55:25I'm gonna be a saint someday.
00:55:27That kraut I installed better make sure...
00:55:30I am here to assume my place at the right hand of God.
00:55:32This doesn't look like Heaven. It looks like Paul.
00:55:35Hey, was that the Pope? The Pope?
00:55:38Virgil?
00:55:39Wait.
00:55:40Are you really you?
00:55:41Yes, my son.
00:55:42Once again, I am the one and only... me.
00:55:46So, were your clones saying that stuff because you think it?
00:55:50Ah, Dante. Some stones are better left unturned.
00:55:55As a kid, I thought that the world was fair. And bad people got punished.
00:55:59And then I grew up and learned it wasn't like that at all.
00:56:02But down there in Hell, I finally got to see justice carried out.
00:56:08Wow. A movie theater. Let's go in.
00:56:10Dante, this is Hell, not a holiday. Besides, there are no movies here. Only puppet shows.
00:56:16Well, how about a puppet show then?
00:56:17I hate puppets.
00:56:18Oh, come on, Virgil. I've been following you around everywhere and not complaining and my feet are killing me.
00:56:23Oh, for Christ's sake.
00:56:25One senior, one regular.
00:56:29There you go. Enjoy the show.
00:56:31Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
00:56:37Excuse me. Did I step on your toe? I'm sorry.
00:56:40Hiya, folks. I'm Ulysses. Are you ready for the puppet show?
00:56:46Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Ulysses, the untold story.
00:56:51See, after we liberated Troy, I got a fantastic idea.
00:56:57Why not liberate the entire region?
00:56:59I was the leader to do it, and nothing could deter me in my new crusade.
00:57:03Not my darling little son waiting for me at home.
00:57:07Oh, my beautiful and loving wife, Penelope.
00:57:10Where the hell have you been? You didn't call. You didn't write. My father told me.
00:57:14No, I had bigger fish to fry, so I gathered my crew together on the deck.
00:57:19Listen, boys. We Greeks are from the greatest goddamn country in the world, and the gods are on our side.
00:57:24Yeah, you're done, too.
00:57:25Oh, my God! Yeah!
00:57:27We kicked ass in Troy! Now let's civilize the rest of these friggin' heathens!
00:57:34But, Captain, how are we going to finance it?
00:57:38The way we pay for everything. We'll borrow.
00:57:41Yeah, but, Captain, how are we gonna pay it back?
00:57:44We'll grow out of it, dammit. Throw that asshole overboard.
00:57:52So we set off to introduce the region to our wonderful culture of life
00:58:11We went from port to port having one hell of a time and changing lots of minds
00:58:17Yes indeed, we gave the heathens strong incentives to imitate our ways and join our side
00:58:24Whenever the unbelievers had a problem seeing things the way we saw them, we used gentle persuasion
00:58:31And they eventually came around to a sensible position
00:58:34We were remaking the region in our own image and liberating the people from the shackles of oppression
00:58:41With our mission accomplished, we eventually headed home
00:58:45But by this time, our ship was so loaded down with all that loot that we liberated
00:58:50That we were pretty low in the water
00:58:53Wouldn't you know the first little wave that hit the bow swamp to hold
00:58:58And sank our sorry ass to the bottom of the sea
00:59:03So in conclusion
00:59:05I led my crew down the primrose path
00:59:08And sealed their watery fate
00:59:11The end
00:59:14Uh, excuse me, Mr. Ulysses
00:59:16What's your punishment?
00:59:18Punishment? You kidding me?
00:59:19I get to do this friggin puppet show over and over again
00:59:22Exactly the same way
00:59:23For the rest of eternity
00:59:25That's a punishment
00:59:27Virgil, come on, hurry, get up
00:59:29Let's get out of here before he starts again
00:59:36You Christian mother bitch of fuck
00:59:39How dare you put me in puppet movie as cab driver
00:59:41What kind of fucked up stereotype is that?
00:59:44Well, who are you?
00:59:46I am Mahmoud
00:59:47Who were you expecting?
00:59:49Prophet Muhammad?
00:59:50Um
00:59:50Look at Abdul, my poor brother-in-law
00:59:53Look at him bawling his little eyes out
00:59:56As his body is sliced in half
00:59:58You fuck ass of shit mother and bitch
01:00:01You blame Mahmoud for making schism and strife in the world?
01:00:04And so us ordinary Muslims get spit in half because of it?
01:00:08And for what?
01:00:09For Sunni Shia schism?
01:00:11That happened way after Prophet Kickin' Bokit
01:00:14Crusades?
01:00:15He was worm food centuries before Crusades
01:00:18Twin Towers?
01:00:19Not my gig, you dumb US bitches of shit and fuck
01:00:23I am nice guy
01:00:24Some followers just got carried away
01:00:26Just like Jesus Christ crowd
01:00:28How come he isn't here, you hypocrites?
01:00:31Look, look, look now, me too
01:00:32Look, look, look
01:00:35Dante Alighieri
01:00:36I issue fatwa against you and your publisher
01:00:39And your agent
01:00:40And your cleaning lady
01:00:41And your cousin, you
01:00:42Come on, Dante
01:00:43And all of you infidels making this blasphemous fuck of bitch shit of our puppet movie
01:00:48We're gonna walk
01:00:51Hey, come back here
01:00:52I'm talking to you
01:00:53And where are my 700 virgins, goddammit?
01:01:00The 10th ditch of fraud
01:01:02Has a billion plus square feet of prime office space
01:01:07Incarcerated here are the falsifiers
01:01:09Who defrauded countless trusting people
01:01:14Teapot Dome
01:01:16Oh, God, who's that?
01:01:18Parmalat
01:01:19Delphia
01:01:21Incredibly in hell
01:01:22Worldcom, hey
01:01:23My sister used to work there
01:01:24When her office got the axe
01:01:26They all practically looted the place
01:01:29Hey, where's Halliburton?
01:01:30They have their own building
01:01:31Oh
01:01:32Come on
01:01:45Are we gonna stop anywhere?
01:01:48You should know how hell works by now, Dante
01:01:51To see if you do
01:01:52We'll stop at several floors
01:01:54And you'll guess who the sinners are
01:01:57And what sins they've committed
01:01:59Wow, for real?
01:02:01Do I win a Buick or a trip to Acapulco or something?
01:02:09All right, who are the sinners?
01:02:12Okay, um, laundromat
01:02:14Clean, clean
01:02:15Wash
01:02:18Soap
01:02:19Spin cycle
01:02:20Money, money
01:02:21Let's see
01:02:22Um
01:02:22Um
01:02:24Clothes
01:02:25Yes?
01:02:26Laundry
01:02:26Here's a hint
01:02:27Money, laundry
01:02:29What are they, clean?
01:02:30Um
01:02:31Clothes?
01:02:33No
01:02:34These are the money launderers
01:02:36Who use dishonest means to enrich themselves
01:02:39And then falsify the sources of their income
01:02:43Oh
01:02:44Yeah
01:02:45Okay
01:02:45Yeah
01:02:46I get it
01:02:47I get it
01:02:50Let me guess
01:02:51They get weirder the lower we go
01:02:53Huh
01:02:58What's going on here?
01:03:00Um
01:03:01Let's see
01:03:03Okay
01:03:03Um
01:03:04Cooking
01:03:05Flame
01:03:07Books
01:03:08Cooking
01:03:09Yeah
01:03:09Books
01:03:12Let's see
01:03:12Yeah
01:03:13Cooking
01:03:13Oh
01:03:14Guy on a stick
01:03:15Yeah
01:03:15They're
01:03:17They're
01:03:17Oh
01:03:18They're making a cookbook
01:03:20No
01:03:21They cooked the books
01:03:23The sinners inflated the earnings and assets of their companies
01:03:28And now they are cooked by books
01:03:31Jeez
01:03:38Okay, the last one, see if you can get this
01:03:42Okay
01:03:46Hey
01:03:47I'll swap you my large intestine for your spleen
01:03:50Hmm
01:03:50Throw in your gallbladder and you got a deal
01:03:55Okay, let's see
01:03:57Here's your hint
01:03:59No, no
01:04:00I'll get this one
01:04:01Let's see
01:04:01Organs
01:04:02Guts
01:04:02Guts
01:04:03Insides
01:04:03Insider
01:04:04Insider trading
01:04:06That's right
01:04:07I can't believe you got it
01:04:08Woo
01:04:11Where's my view
01:04:12Bring it on
01:04:13Yeah
01:04:13Woo
01:04:14Got it
01:04:15Got it
01:04:23Is this thing safe?
01:04:25What's that noise?
01:04:30What?
01:04:31Wait, how did you?
01:04:34How?
01:04:40Next stop, Lake Cockatus, Lake Cockatus, next stop, end of the line
01:04:49It's cold
01:04:50I thought hell was supposed to be hot
01:04:52Hell is a complicated and nuanced place that transcends cliches, Dante
01:04:57Oh, you don't say
01:04:59I was totally expecting to see demons and tortures and bonded stuff and I don't know, like rubber and chicks
01:05:06and stiletto heels
01:05:06This is hell, Dante, not your personal fantasy
01:05:15This is the frozen lake Cockatus, the resting place of traitors and betrayers
01:05:22Cockatus? Who names this shit?
01:06:05What?
01:06:08Sorry about that, wait, wait, who said that?
01:06:11It's me, down here. The one you just kicked. I'm Lizzie. Lizzie Borden.
01:06:17No way. I always wondered if you were guilty or not.
01:06:20My hands slipped.
01:06:21Yeah, 29 times?
01:06:2230.
01:06:23Who else is here?
01:06:24Well, here we have Nikolai Ceausescu and his lovely wife Elena, who betrayed their Romanian countrymen by wantonly killing them.
01:06:33I am genius of Carpathians.
01:06:35Big deal. That's the Norwegian Nazi puppet Quisling, who betrayed his country and became a household word.
01:06:42I hate puppets.
01:06:45Who's that guy gnawing on that other guy's noggin?
01:06:47That's Ugolino. Please don't ask him his story. He'll chew your ear off.
01:07:00Dante?
01:07:00Okay. There's some things about being mortal I just don't miss.
01:07:08Where's this freezing wind coming from?
01:07:10Just hold on a bit and you'll see. There's someone I'd like you to meet first.
01:07:17Dick Cheney? You're not dead yet?
01:07:20Well, some amongst us are so evil that our souls are condemned during life.
01:07:24Dick Cheney has a soul?
01:07:26Yep.
01:07:27A demon now possesses my body in an undisclosed location and will continue serving the American people until my pacemaker
01:07:33fails.
01:07:38There I was, down at the very bottom of hell.
01:07:41I met the soul of Dick Cheney, frozen in Lake Cockatiss, in the very pit of wickedness.
01:07:46While his demon-possessed body wandered the boardrooms and chambers and congressional floors of Washington,
01:07:52shaking hands and holding Bible study sessions and mishandling entire nations.
01:07:58Finally, I understood how people as vile as him walked the earth.
01:08:04That was it for me.
01:08:05I was stunned.
01:08:07We're getting closer, my dear pilgrim, to the center of the city of Dis, the nadir of all evil.
01:08:22There in front of me was the absolute ruler of this putrid world of pain and suffering.
01:08:28They say Lucifer was once the most beautiful of all the angels.
01:08:32Now, his complexion is the color of the earth's mantle, and his body is halfway buried in the icy lake.
01:08:41Huge and hideous to look at.
01:09:02On his back was a set of the tiniest little wings.
01:09:05Not bird wings, but more like bat wings.
01:09:09The rhythm of their strokes caused enough wind to keep the bottom of hell covered in ice, despite the flames
01:09:16on the circles above.
01:09:20That's Judas Iscariot, in the Velveeta.
01:09:27And that's Brutus.
01:09:30You mean, like, Etu Brutus?
01:09:32Help! Help me!
01:09:33Yes, treasure to my former emperor, Julius Caesar.
01:09:41Oh, okay.
01:09:43So these guys are like the worst, the baddest of the bad, so they get eaten by the devil himself?
01:09:48Uh-huh.
01:09:50Let me guess. He pukes them up or craps them out and then eats them again and again, over and
01:09:55over for eternity?
01:09:57You're getting the hang of this.
01:10:00That's Heinrich Himmler, the head of the SS.
01:10:04All right, my dear boy, you've seen the entire pit of hell and all of its torments.
01:10:09But we must move with haste if you wish to escape.
01:10:13It's cold.
01:10:15Huh? What's that?
01:10:16Hey!
01:10:17Run! Run for your life!
01:10:25I was terrified.
01:10:27But what came next was truly horrible.
01:10:32Okay. This is it. The exit door out of this evil world is down this dark crevice and through the
01:10:39port.
01:10:39You first.
01:10:40Uh-oh, no. Oh, no. Not gonna happen.
01:10:44We've got to go down there.
01:10:46Oh, no, no way. Never, ever gonna-
01:10:48Oh!
01:10:51Point your toes!
01:10:53Point your toes!
01:10:58What I remember about the end of my journey was just about the same as what I remember from the
01:11:03beginning.
01:11:04I was beat, lost in the dark, and confused.
01:11:08But out of that blackness, I heard the voice of old Virgil, the poet.
01:11:12Dante!
01:11:12The voice of reason.
01:11:14Dante! This way!
01:11:15And he was calling me.
01:11:16If we follow this hidden path, we'll find our way to the outside.
01:11:21In our excitement to be free from the darkness,
01:11:25we didn't stop for a moment to rest.
01:11:28I followed Virgil towards the sunshine of the outside world.
01:11:32We came to a ridge, which he instructed me to climb.
01:11:37And there I stood, looking once again at the beautiful sky above.
01:11:43Wow! I really can say I've been to hell and back now.
01:11:47Man, the guys at Tierney's are never gonna believe me.
01:11:49Well, maybe I'm never going back then.
01:11:51No, who am I kidding?
01:11:52But I gotta watch my ass and do the right thing, because if I don't...
01:11:56I could use a slice, maybe Ralph can pick me up.
01:11:58I hope I get a signal.
01:11:59Hey, Ralphie, you're never gonna believe this.
01:12:02I met the devil.
01:12:04Yeah, he tried to fork me.
01:12:08Well, yeah, parts of it were really hot.
01:12:11Yeah, I know, I know, it sounds crazy.
01:12:14Beatrice said this whole thing up.
01:12:15I know...
01:12:34But I know what I'm doing now...
01:14:15The eyes turn red and the skin turns blue.
01:14:22I'll turn back the ground and follow you.
01:14:28Those pearly gates protect their one-horse town.
01:14:36So I'll follow you down.
01:14:40I'll follow you down.
01:14:42I'll follow you down.
01:14:51When it's ice that courses through my veins.
01:14:57And it's my blood that's running down the drain.
01:15:02When the eyes roll up and the nails push through.
01:15:08I'll just bite my tongue and follow you.
01:15:16Cause St. Peter's ain't the only game in town.
01:15:23So I'll follow you down.
01:15:26And I'll follow you down.
01:15:30And I'll follow you down.
01:15:36To a place where we'll see all our friends there.
01:15:43And it'll be warm and dry and we'll be screaming.
01:15:54To a place where we'll see all our friends there.
01:15:55And I'll follow you down.
01:16:00I'll follow you down.
01:16:02I'll follow you down.
01:16:02I'll follow you down.
01:16:03I'll follow you down.
01:16:05I'll follow you down.
01:16:09Bye.
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