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00:00:28You
00:00:31You
00:01:00You
00:01:08Thank you for coming to this. You did not have to AI is getting pretty good
00:01:13It is getting way too good. I don't trust it. My iPhone started capitalizing the G and God again without
00:01:19asking me
00:01:20Did I have anyone else? Yeah, I don't know which update it was but all sudden my iPhone's like did
00:01:24you mean King of Kings?
00:01:27The robots are coming and they love the Lord
00:01:30Are you guys worried about the robots you concerned? Yeah, have you looked at the people in your life your
00:01:37friends your family and then back at yourself and gone
00:01:44I'm gonna be the one who falls in love with a robot
00:01:47Have you been honest with you? It's okay. It's gonna be me. That's why I don't use chat GPT. I'm
00:01:52not ready for a relationship
00:01:55And I'm holding strong now, but in a few years when robot partners are available at like Best Buy
00:02:00Yeah, it's gonna be me drunk at the dinner party defending my robot husband to all my friends like I'm
00:02:07sorry
00:02:07What if it is a soul you guys can you define it?
00:02:12That's what I thought also. I've met your lame-ass husband Chelsea. Don't try to tell me you don't plug
00:02:16his ass in at night
00:02:18Okay, okay? Oh, it's a CPAP machine. He'll die. Whatever his stories are long. Okay?
00:02:25Now show some respect. He's not an air fryer. He's the love of my life
00:02:29Look him in the eyes when you talk to him. His pronouns are not it that
00:02:34Yours are bitch bitch. How about they are different one is all caps. I?
00:02:41I like the idea of a robot partner because I think I'm less likely to fuck that up
00:02:46I said less
00:02:48No, you're right. I'll still find ways to be shitty and jealous of a robot partner. I'm like, why are
00:02:52you always by the dishwasher?
00:02:56Is her rack bigger than mine?
00:03:00Does she get wetter than me?
00:03:02Is it because she makes bubbles like I can make bubbles I'll get an infection, but if you need bubbles
00:03:07like
00:03:09I used to be a really toxic girlfriend. I've worked on it a lot in therapy over the years
00:03:13I was a nightmare in my 20s
00:03:14I was dating a guy once in my 20s and we were laying on the couch one night and we
00:03:18weren't fighting and I thought that was weird
00:03:20So I turned to him
00:03:22And I said hey, babe
00:03:25If you found out that we were cousins
00:03:29Would you break up with me and he goes
00:03:34Yes
00:03:37I was like whoa fast
00:03:40No follow-up questions. You're just out like that. He goes it's illegal taylor. I'm like sore mushrooms and we
00:03:47did those
00:03:49Now you're this law-abiding citizen just because we're cousins
00:03:53He goes you're so wrong about this ask anyone we know so I texted the three happiest couples in my
00:03:59phone
00:03:59And I said hey if you two found out Eric Cousins
00:04:01You didn't know when you met you haven't known this whole time you've been together you have the same relationship
00:04:05You've always had but whoops your cousins would you break up and they all wrote back. Do we have to
00:04:11tell anybody?
00:04:16And I showed him my phone and I said that's what love looks like
00:04:25Quick poll
00:04:29If you found out your partner was your cousin clap if you would break up with them
00:04:35Okay, that's a lot of people no don't discuss fight in the car fight in the car
00:04:41Okay, now if you found out your partner was a robot clap if you would break up with them
00:04:49Oh
00:04:49Oh interesting
00:04:51Bit of a drop-off over here
00:04:54Some of us clap for cousin and not for robot. Okay, so we're going to abandon our family
00:05:04Well, we'll keep fucking the toaster. Okay, that makes sense
00:05:10I really was triggered by the capital G God in my phone because I have religious trauma anybody else have
00:05:15religious trauma
00:05:19Thought you might if you don't know what religious trauma means it just means you grew up in church
00:05:23You're not religious anymore, but now anytime you feel good. You feel kind of bad about it
00:05:29Like have you ever had a dip in the middle of an orgasm like
00:05:35That dip is jesus
00:05:39Spraying you in the face with a water bottle
00:05:42That's why I don't say oh god during sex. He's like beetle juice. He'll show up
00:05:49And to be clear i'm not an atheist. I just don't know what happens neither do you spoiler alert nobody
00:05:53knows
00:05:54I've never related to the
00:05:57Certainty so many christians feel where they're like I just know like but how do you know there's a god?
00:06:01I just know the only time i've ever just known something it was that I had diarrhea. That's the only
00:06:07time
00:06:08The only time i've ever been like
00:06:15And I did start praying
00:06:19But I resent both sides equally I hate it when people are like there's no god it's just darkness
00:06:23Fuck you and I hate it when people are like there is a god and here's his address and he
00:06:27loves me best
00:06:27I just hate confidence. That's really what it is
00:06:30I cannot stand it when people are too confident. I have one very confident friend. That's it
00:06:35That's all I can handle in my life one friend so confident
00:06:39You know that hot girl in eighth grade who always came into class late with a frappuccino and you're like
00:06:44we get it
00:06:44Your mom had you on purpose
00:06:48She's like that
00:06:49So I can only see her every like six to eight months. We got lunch a couple months ago
00:06:56Our food comes to the table. She immediately sends her food back to the kitchen
00:07:01Did you know you could do that outside of a film? She did that shit in real life?
00:07:05I go, oh my god, what was wrong with it? She goes, uh, there was a hair in it
00:07:11One hair there would have to be a to pay on my lasagna
00:07:17And even then I'd be like i'm so sorry. I should have asked for this without to pay I
00:07:22No, I'm it's I understand. It's a garnish. It's just sort of triggering in this political climate, but
00:07:29But I understand it looks very natural. Thank you chef. I'll pick around it pick around it
00:07:35I don't think i'm smarter than religious people. I hate it when atheists talk down to anyone who believes in
00:07:40god
00:07:41I've believed a lot of stupid shit in my life. God's not even top three, okay
00:07:45I've believed tall guys
00:07:51He plays guitar he must be nice i'm dumb all right when my religious family members talk about god like
00:07:56god got me through the
00:07:57Hardest years of my life. I'm like shit. That's how I talk about gilmore girls like i'm
00:08:04An idiot and I capitalize those g's I make sure every time
00:08:09That's right
00:08:11But I have a lot of christians in my life a lot of people praying for me which I try
00:08:15not to take personally
00:08:17You ever have someone say they're praying for you and you don't know what they're referring to
00:08:22They're like hey, I just want to let you know i'm praying for you. What?
00:08:28I'm not sick. Oh
00:08:30Yeah, well i'm praying for you. What do you think about that bev?
00:08:34Heard you need it, bitch
00:08:37She's like no god's just been putting you on my heart lately. Well tell god to scrape me off your
00:08:41heart because i'm doing awesome
00:08:42Okay, I don't know what you heard in the church parking lot, but that was a family matter bev
00:08:48I'm gonna tint the van windows
00:08:52I have a lot of cool christians in my life cool christians love to let you know they're cool
00:08:57They do they love to like swear in front of you
00:09:02They're like look I understand what you have doubts. I get it. I'll watch the news
00:09:09Shit is fucked up
00:09:16Then they look at you like they did a trick on a skateboard
00:09:23I have an uncle who's a pastor and he's a really cool guy. He's very humble down to earth
00:09:27He's not like one of these mega church douchebags who wears expensive sneakers and like writes a book with his
00:09:32face on it
00:09:32Every time I see a pastor on a book tour. I'm like hey, man. Weren't you already promoting a book?
00:09:38I'm like
00:09:42I don't I just
00:09:48How many bestsellers do you need joel
00:09:53My uncle's really cool. He's the only person in my life who understands what I do for work
00:09:56He and I have very similar jobs. We're both out here on the weekends changing lives
00:10:01No, he hates it when I say that he hates it so much
00:10:04I'm always trying to talk shop with them. I'm like hey, Jim. How was your early show?
00:10:09He's like, you know, it's first service taylor. I'm like, well, I just noticed he had a heckler on the
00:10:14late one
00:10:14He goes that person was yelling amen and hallelujah to agree
00:10:18I'm like that's the worst kind of heckler Jim because they're being supportive, but they're still disrupting your flow, right?
00:10:24I go, you know, I donate 10% of what I make too. He's like to who I'm like my
00:10:28agent, but it's still a tithe
00:10:34I'm like I'm kidding Jim. I know we don't do the same thing
00:10:37But think about this. I make them feel guilty saturday night. You save their ass sunday morning. I set them
00:10:43up
00:10:44You spiked the ball. You're welcome
00:10:47I helped
00:10:54But my uncle jim is like a great pastor. He's like very progressive. He gives really interesting sermons
00:10:59We didn't have a cool pastor like my uncle jim grown up. We had a basic ass pastor who stuck
00:11:03to three topics
00:11:05He had three messages. You are forgiven
00:11:07marriage is hard
00:11:10Merry christmas like those were the three
00:11:14I do feel for pastors on christmas and easter because those are big weeks at church, right? Those are recruitment
00:11:19weeks
00:11:21That's when everybody comes out of the woodwork. That's when the decaf christians swing by
00:11:26You only see those motherfuckers twice a year and you got to blow their minds so hard with the extras
00:11:31that they upgrade their subscription to weekly
00:11:33that's a lot of pressure
00:11:36And as the pastor on christmas and easter you can't get creative you can't get weird with it
00:11:41Can't do an acoustic set you got to play the hits
00:11:45You got to tell the stories right easter's a better story than christmas in my opinion
00:11:50If you don't know easter is the crucifixion and resurrection of jesus christ. It's where all of our merch is
00:11:55from you've seen it
00:11:58You've seen it dead guy up there but tasteful somehow very tasteful
00:12:03Makes you think about your own death like oh hope I die in a way that looks good on jewelry,
00:12:07right?
00:12:09Think about it when grandma died were you like ooh slap her on an anklet. No, he's really doing it
00:12:14up there
00:12:15I'll stop doing it. I'll stop doing it. We're all familiar
00:12:20But easter's a great story there's a lot of action right it's crucifixion the resurrection is jesus in his prime
00:12:28early 30s ripped
00:12:32We betrayed him we killed him he's back. It's basically twilight. It's a sexy
00:12:38Sexy story i'm kidding twilight belongs to the mormons don't take that from them. Okay
00:12:42They can't have caffeine they need something to wake them up
00:12:46Christmas is not as good a story it's just not the birth of jesus it starts off strong right an
00:12:51angel comes down from heaven tells mary
00:12:53I know you're a virgin, but you're pregnant with the son of god. Oh, and then the angel has to
00:12:58go tell her boyfriend joseph
00:12:59Because believe women wasn't really a thing back then
00:13:03So the angels like it's god in there
00:13:05I promise and then what then the angel leaves then it's just a long walk to a barn
00:13:11That's most of christmas is just this right here. Jesus is barely in it. He comes in right at the
00:13:17end. He does zero magic
00:13:18It sucks
00:13:21Jesus is basically the post-credits scene in a marvel movie. It's trash
00:13:30Sucks
00:13:35I remember one year our pastor tried to spice up the christmas story he came out he goes thought he
00:13:40found a new angle
00:13:41Right he comes out he goes, you know
00:13:43We always kind of rush through the christmas story don't we since we all know it so well
00:13:48But if you ever really stop to think
00:13:51About what this must have been like
00:13:54for mary
00:13:56And all the women were like oh
00:13:59And all the men were like no
00:14:04Which one's mary again? Oh are you talking about the vessel you talking about the hole we put the lord
00:14:09in
00:14:10You talking about the jesus jar
00:14:14You talking about the christ cubby
00:14:16You talking about the savior sack
00:14:19You talking about the prophet pocket
00:14:22We could keep going but we have to move on but that's a fun game to play to come down
00:14:26from the cousin fight if you want
00:14:31That mary pov sermon went over so well for him that he came out the next year all excited like
00:14:36last year
00:14:36We talked about what it must have been like for mary to find out she was pregnant with jesus
00:14:40But have you ever stopped to think about what this must have been like
00:14:44For joseph and all the men were like finally
00:14:49Representation i also think whores are lying to me
00:14:56Joseph was mary's betrothed at the time again i don't assume everybody knows all the bible stories you grow up
00:15:01in church
00:15:01You're like everybody's learning these nope some kids were having childhoods on their bikes
00:15:07Yeah
00:15:08Is there anyone in here who never went to church has never believed in god never been religious at all?
00:15:13Wow all in the back that checks out that checks out
00:15:18Well, you sound very at peace you sound so relaxed, but how do you not how do you know right
00:15:23from wrong?
00:15:23How do you not kill people?
00:15:25How do you some christians talk like that my dad growing up was like, you know if I weren't a
00:15:29christian i'd be in jail
00:15:31And i'm like whoa i'm six
00:15:35Let's do a good night moon tomorrow instead of dad's dark thoughts that was
00:15:40Some christians walk around like yeah if sky dad didn't have me on house arrest there'd be some mud on
00:15:45my boots and you're like cool
00:15:46Let's only hang out in groups
00:15:50But if you didn't grow up in church you might not know a lot of bible stories might not know
00:15:54any bible stories
00:15:54I won't put you on the spot don't worry
00:15:56I used to learn my lesson one time I asked someone and they panicked and went veggie tales
00:16:04Which hey close enough but it did make me laugh real hard just who betrayed jesus bob the tomato
00:16:12I remember he bounced in like you're gonna die jesus
00:16:18I'm kidding they didn't do it no they didn't do they didn't do the crucifixion on veggie tales they wouldn't
00:16:23do that
00:16:24That's that's crazy that's way too dark also no arms so who's gonna you know
00:16:30Who's gonna do the finale?
00:16:33What are they gonna do put baby carrots on larry that's insane we can't do that
00:16:40I assume even if you didn't grow up religious you'd know like noah's ark most people know that one that's
00:16:46our big one
00:16:46It's on the cover of all of our coloring books
00:16:48Uh, yeah, it really is a testament to how fucked up
00:16:54The bible is that we read noah's ark and we're like that's the kid's story
00:17:01That story is dark as hell it's about god drowning all his kids because they were being annoying and we're
00:17:06like yeah
00:17:08That should be the mural in the nursery
00:17:12Come here little buddy, these are the animals he didn't drown oh
00:17:17What a lucky horsey
00:17:20That got to go on the boat with one friend
00:17:26It's the rainbow that I think they think the rainbow saves it god sent noah who probably had some trust
00:17:32issues at that point
00:17:34The rainbow has a promise to never flood the earth again, which I think is the darkest part of the
00:17:39story
00:17:40Rainbow after a destructive flood
00:17:42I mean that's like buying someone a ring after you push them down the stairs. That's crazy
00:17:46Every time I see a rainbow. I don't think of gay rights. I don't even think of rain. I just
00:17:50think of god going I mean
00:17:52I didn't kill
00:17:54everybody
00:18:07Some people don't even realize noah's ark's from the bible
00:18:10I've asked people. Oh, do you know any bible stories? They go not one. I go, what about noah? They're
00:18:14like, well, I know that one
00:18:15Like that's how much bible stories have like infiltrated pop culture
00:18:20I have a friend who said they knew prodigal son and I go. Oh, you know the story and they're
00:18:24like, oh, no
00:18:24I just think there was like a show or something
00:18:26I'm i've heard the term right if you don't know the story of the prodigal son
00:18:30It's a story that jesus
00:18:32Teaches it tells in the bible to teach a lesson, right?
00:18:35So in the story
00:18:36There's a rich dad and he's got two sons and the older son does everything right because he's the oldest
00:18:41and the younger son is like
00:18:42I want my money now
00:18:45And the dad's like, okay, that's not how inheritance works. I'm fully alive
00:18:48But here you go
00:18:49So he gives the younger son his money then this piece of shit bucks right off
00:18:54Did I mention i'm the oldest of four this piece of shit?
00:18:57Bucks right off and how do they put it squanders his wealth on wild living which is bible for blows
00:19:03it all on bitcoin and lap dances
00:19:07He then has the audacity to come back years later like sorry dad
00:19:13I just lost all your money. I suck. Can I come back and the older son was praying like yeah
00:19:18finally finish him
00:19:21And the dad goes
00:19:24My baby's home. Oh my god. Let's throw him a big party. I know all the oldest kids in here
00:19:29We all have diarrhea right now. I know every oldest kid in here your asshole went all the way inside
00:19:35your body
00:19:36You're so upset. Just remember these are people from the bible. They can't hurt you. They've been dead a long
00:19:40time. Okay
00:19:41We're almost done. So the older son is obviously pissed. He's like dad
00:19:46I've done everything right my whole life and you've never even thrown me a small party. Look it up. He
00:19:50says that
00:19:52And the dad is like yeah, you're great
00:19:56Love you
00:19:58But your brother
00:20:00He was lost and now he's found
00:20:04So we celebrate and if you ask a pastor what that story is about
00:20:08They will tell you that it's about how you can go off and live in sin and lose your way
00:20:11spiritually
00:20:12But you can always return to the lord and he'll forgive you
00:20:14And if you ask me what that story is about
00:20:18I will tell you that it is about how jesus was an only child
00:20:33But because I grew up in church I see bible stories everywhere right like here's some fun ones
00:20:38What about the 200 foreskin story? Do you know that one?
00:20:41Yeah, that's a deep cut so
00:20:45In the bible David wanted to marry saul's daughter and saul's like you can marry my daughter if you bring
00:20:49me back the foreskins of a hundred of my enemies
00:20:52Which like whoa scorpio am I right?
00:20:54Oh who has a hundred enemies and is thinking about their foreskins like someone was born in deep november
00:21:02So saul's like get me 100 foreskins then we'll talk so david goes out comes back with 200 foreskins
00:21:09And that's where the phrase if he wanted to he would ladies comes from
00:21:16That's not from tiktok that's from the bible
00:21:20What about uh, what about job have we heard of job job got some job heads in the house?
00:21:26Job was this guy in the bible. He loved god so much one day god and satan are talking
00:21:30They don't really get into why they're talking but you know sometimes you call your ex and everyone's like what
00:21:34are you doing, right?
00:21:36So god and satan are kicking it for some reason and satan goes hey god
00:21:40I noticed that job loves you a lot and god's like yeah
00:21:45And satan's like well, I bet he wouldn't love you as much if I fucked with him enough and god's
00:21:50like
00:21:51Okay, i'm bored. Let's see what you got
00:21:54So satan goes out and he ruins job's life
00:21:57But job never forsakes god and that is what how to lose a guy in 10 days is based off
00:22:04of
00:22:08Oh
00:22:08Matthew mcconaughey is job
00:22:11Kate hudson is satan
00:22:18Is there anyone in here who grew up religious but is not religious anymore
00:22:25You're at the right show
00:22:27All right of those people who saved people who spread the good news while they were religious
00:22:31Oh bit of a drop off there. That's tough a lot of us didn't do the homework
00:22:37You save people while you're religious, but you're not religious anymore
00:22:40Okay
00:22:41Do you ever feel serious question do you ever feel like maybe you should like call those people?
00:22:49Just a courtesy call like hey remember what I told you about forever?
00:22:53I don't know what if those people get up to heaven and they're like look your sponsor's not in there,
00:22:58so
00:22:59We didn't know you're coming. I don't know. Are you sure? Maybe they holy ghosted you
00:23:04We're sorry for real though. You got to go to hell. We're sorry about that
00:23:08I never saved anybody at all. I was talking to someone who grew up mormon
00:23:12I was like well, you guys were really saving people and he was like, oh, yeah baptism for the dead
00:23:16You guys know what that is? I didn't know apparently in mormonism sometimes they will save people after they've died
00:23:23Which really takes the pressure off of saving live people doesn't it when you can just go hey
00:23:29Do you believe in God and they're like no and you're like that's okay? We'll wait
00:23:36And then as soon as they're dead you're like bibbity-boppity mormon
00:23:45This is how you get a soul to heaven right like you're trying to get poop smell out of your
00:23:49hinge dates bathroom
00:23:52If you're not laughing you're married and fuck you this joke's not for you
00:23:57Enjoy shitting with the door open some of us have to carry matches everywhere
00:24:03My biggest issue with church wasn't that they wanted us to save people it's that they wouldn't let you make
00:24:08a good point
00:24:09Right anytime you were growing up in church. You were like we have to admit it was pretty messed up
00:24:14when god did this in the bible
00:24:15They'd be like well. That was the old testament, you know
00:24:17That was that was before god stopped drinking like that was a different guy
00:24:21Yeah, he's kind of a fuck boy back there and then he had a kid and he's like i'm different
00:24:25now, you know
00:24:25He's like he's like I was in a fraternity. Of course. I was drowning people like it's people change
00:24:33Anytime you had an unanswerable question at church. They always said the same thing. They'd go. That's a great question
00:24:39And we can ask god that when we get to heaven
00:24:44Which like if you were god how pissed would you be?
00:24:49That they were sending people up to heaven like that with a bunch of questions for you you're god you
00:24:53made everything and everyone
00:24:54You probably just want to do the
00:24:56Ta-da heaven part and now every time someone dies you have to do a
00:25:01press conference
00:25:03Every time someone dies you're like hey, welcome to heaven
00:25:06They're like okay, but first god when a kid dies right and they didn't say the prayer and they didn't
00:25:09get saved
00:25:10That's an automatic heaven right god you wouldn't send a kid to hell right god right god right god right
00:25:13god
00:25:14And god's like fucking
00:25:23Seriously dude you're in heaven bitch do you go to disneyland like hope all the workers get benefits like shut
00:25:29up
00:25:32You are a killjoy
00:25:35Yes, the kids are in heaven. We muted the kids so we could all enjoy heaven, but yes
00:25:45That's a dark one. I know that's a dark one
00:25:47I have a dark sense of humor partially because I grew up in church church is a dark place every
00:25:52sunday you go to a big room
00:25:53Where the underlying message is won't it be great when we all get to be dead with daddy that's church
00:25:59Can't wait to be dead with the dada that's church
00:26:03But I can't blame church entirely. I also I had a parent die really young
00:26:07So my siblings and I all have really dark senses of humor, right?
00:26:11Like I was talking to my younger sibling Bryn recently because you know you and your siblings all remember different
00:26:15parts of your childhood
00:26:16So sometimes you get together and you're like all right, here's what I remember. What have you got?
00:26:20Okay, let's put this all out on the table and figure out what the fuck happened to us back there
00:26:26So we were having a puzzle day at home
00:26:30And I said do you remember that hospice grief support group?
00:26:34We got sent to for kids whose parents had died of cancer and Bryn goes oh, yeah
00:26:39Do you remember how not everybody's parents were dead yet?
00:26:43Yes, some of them still had active I'm just saying feels like they could have put us in different rooms,
00:26:49right?
00:26:50Maybe do a shirts and skins
00:26:52Situation but no they were like christmas present christmas future discuss
00:27:00Something's coming around the mountain. You know what it is
00:27:07That's not what I remembered about the group what I remembered about the group is there was one kid in
00:27:11there whose parent hadn't died
00:27:13His uncle had died and um look
00:27:18I don't want to be a bitch
00:27:22But like our mom was dead
00:27:25And it just kind of feels like
00:27:33Paper covers uncle you know what I mean like
00:27:37I'm just saying like this kid had parents he wasn't spider-man like
00:27:41Some losses affect who you are for the rest of your life and some are your uncle like what are
00:27:46we
00:27:48I do think when you have a parent die young you tend to think about death a lot more than
00:27:51other people
00:27:52I certainly do I tend to jump to the worst possible scenario
00:27:56I catastrophize constantly much the detriment of many of my relationships
00:28:01I was dating a guy once and I said hey babe when you don't hear back from me for a
00:28:05few hours
00:28:06Do you ever get scared that something bad might have happened to me and he goes no
00:28:12I get scared you're mad at me
00:28:16Men would rather you be dead than mad at them men would rather be in mourning than in trouble
00:28:23That's the truth if a guy misses five calls from his wife. He's like oh, I hope this is the
00:28:29paramedic who found her
00:28:35I also wish that joke didn't work
00:28:40You know what's so funny to me about men who kill their wives
00:28:44What well just wait what's so funny to me about men who kill their wives is like they think they're
00:28:50gonna get away with it
00:28:51And it's like dude you've never planned a goddamn thing
00:28:58In your whole life
00:29:01You've never made a dinner reservation and now you're gonna hide a body
00:29:09This is quite the maiden voyage for event planning dude
00:29:13Maybe start with a potluck
00:29:18I do think i've spent a lot of my life being really scared of death you know anytime I wasn't
00:29:22actively yearning for it
00:29:24Of course, um, oh good some depression in the room. Thank god. I did that joke in sweden. They just
00:29:29stared at me
00:29:30They were like, huh sad for no reason but how they didn't get
00:29:36A lot of this hour europe didn't get they were like god we have health care they give you god
00:29:41instead of health care
00:29:43That doesn't seem like the same thing
00:29:47If you have depression you have a pretty complicated relationship with death you sort of look at death like it's
00:29:53the phantom of the opera
00:29:54Most of the time you're like oh that's scary, but then sometimes you're like I mean that side of his
00:29:58face is kind of hot
00:30:03Hear me out I could live underground I don't know
00:30:07This section is sad
00:30:11I've been trying to face my fear of death head-on this past year
00:30:14I wrote a will because a lot of my friends were getting married and I was like I want to
00:30:18sign a scary document
00:30:21I learned so much if you don't have a will you gotta write one with a professional that panicked note
00:30:26you write on your phone during turbulence that will not
00:30:28Hold up in court. They taught me that
00:30:30I thought for sure that was fine. Nope. Here's what I learned. I did not know this if you die
00:30:35unexpectedly
00:30:35Your closest living relatives are your parents not your siblings, which is what I thought because I'm dumb
00:30:41So if you die unexpectedly your parents will inherit everything you own unless you disinherit them in writing like the
00:30:48petty bitch you are, right?
00:30:51And I know some of you are sitting there right now going well, whatever
00:30:54I don't have a good relationship with my parents Taylor, but I don't really have anything for them to inherit
00:30:59Do you have a TV?
00:31:03Do you think your shitty dad deserves an extra TV?
00:31:11You think your death should feel like winning the prices right for him? Fuck that call a lawyer
00:31:27But I had to make a lot of decisions when I wrote my will
00:31:30I had to choose who was gonna pull the plug if I'm in a coma
00:31:33So I picked my sibling Bryn because they are gonna inherit my money if I die and I was like
00:31:37earn it dude, right?
00:31:40I go you decide when that money drops
00:31:43And they were like, okay, well if you're in a coma not responding to anything
00:31:46What do you what do you want me to do? How long do you want me to wait?
00:31:48And I was like here's what I want you to do. I want you to start parks and rec from
00:31:52the beginning
00:31:54And I want you to keep it playing all day all night in my hospital room
00:31:58If we get to the end of that show and I have not woken up yet
00:32:04start the office
00:32:07And then when Steve Carell leaves just kill me don't
00:32:12Do not make me watch Andy be manager. Don't do that to me again
00:32:18Don't do that
00:32:24I had to decide what I want to happen to my remains when I'm gone
00:32:27Have you guys decided what you want to happen to your bodies when you're gone? Yeah? Well, what are we
00:32:31gonna do?
00:32:33Well, a tree pod. Yeah, that's nice. I like that you say tree pod because every once in a while
00:32:37you get a girl who's like
00:32:38I'm gonna be a tree and you have to explain to her like oh, sweetie. You don't get to be
00:32:42the tree
00:32:44You're tree food. You're helping the tree. You're sort of like a pageant mom to the tree like go, baby,
00:32:48go
00:32:50Be what I cannot right
00:32:52Tree pods great. What else we got?
00:32:55Someone said what?
00:32:56Donating to science what what part of science what area of science are we thinking?
00:33:03Oh, okay, you have a medical school picked out, but not like a specific area of science not like keep
00:33:08it all above the net
00:33:09I'm just saying do we trust a bunch of college kids
00:33:15With our dead bodies do we feel like here's a dead mess of holes you decide what science is i'm
00:33:21not sure about that
00:33:22I just leave it specific instructions. That's my only thing is anyone getting cremated
00:33:27Yeah, okay. I hope you have a plan for where you want those ashes spread because sometimes people go
00:33:33I don't know and it's like you are gonna end up somewhere weird if you don't your ashes are gonna
00:33:38End up in like the cup holder in your driver's side door
00:33:42You know that weird one where every six months you're like was that an oat milk latte once like that's
00:33:47The best answer I got recently a guy yelled out viking funeral
00:33:53Yeah, some guy in the crowd just yelled out viking funeral and I was like, okay
00:33:57I mean that's cool if you want that
00:33:59But I hope you have a niece or nephew that you're sending to summer camp that can make that shot
00:34:04because
00:34:05That's a hard shot to make the boat gets smaller and smaller the further away
00:34:09It gets and if they miss that's not a viking funeral anymore. That's just a dead guy in a boat
00:34:15And that is not as festive is it that's stand by me too
00:34:23I'd like to be cremated personally because I like that you can inconvenience your family after you're gone
00:34:28That's fun for me because who's gonna say no to taking your ashes home first off like oh
00:34:33I couldn't possibly there's no there's no room at my house. We're we're full up on haunted cups like
00:34:41nice try take me home i'm so small right
00:34:44And then if you want your family to spread you somewhere depending on how you feel about your family
00:34:48That's where you send them right?
00:34:50So if you love your family you're like i'd like you to spread me in hawaii over seven days of
00:34:55pto that's what i'd like
00:34:57Love you guys miss you and then if you don't like your family you can be like have you been
00:35:01to toledo
00:35:10In january
00:35:12Actually, no no, I want you to do it right between christmas and new years
00:35:19My mom was cremated and after my mom died my dad got remarried and when my dad got remarried
00:35:25He gave my mom's ashes to my grandma because returned to sender. I guess
00:35:31You're right. I am so sorry return to manufacturer. That's what it is
00:35:36And his reasoning was he was like look i'm getting remarried and I just I can't take these into another
00:35:41woman's home
00:35:42And as his daughter, I was like yes, you can
00:35:46But as an adult woman now i'm like oh no you can't
00:35:50I've dated straight men. I don't like it when they follow their exes on instagram. You're telling me if he
00:35:55brought a little baggie of her bones inside
00:35:58And was like this lives under the tv forever i'd be like cool love that there no i'd be passive
00:36:04aggressive at best
00:36:05I'll probably flush a teaspoon of her every day
00:36:29Until one day he picked it up and was like the urn feels lighter i'm like maybe she lost weight
00:36:33Not you body shaming the urn babe
00:36:38You know what's funny about that joke? I don't even really feel that way anymore
00:36:41I think a younger version of me felt that way when you're single in your 30s
00:36:45You don't care about so much you kind of just want someone who's not gonna bug you
00:36:50That's really in my 20s. I was so insecure so toxic. I was like I need to be someone's first
00:36:54and only true love
00:36:55their one and only wife
00:36:57I need to be with someone who does not watch pornography and now i'm like you can jerk off to
00:37:01your dead wife if you want i don't care
00:37:04You want to put her bones under the tv is the tv playing my show then that's great
00:37:11You put as many bitches up there as you want we'll watch love is blind as a family
00:37:23I told my buddy dustin that and he goes what if you married a guy who was still in love
00:37:27with his dead wife
00:37:29and i was like she's not coming back what do i
00:37:32That's his thing to deal with you know lock yourself in the bathroom smell her shirts cry it out, but
00:37:37we're going to chelly's at five
00:37:41And the coupons for two not three so
00:37:45Get it all out of your system, babe help jerk off into the urn if you want hey when life
00:37:51gives you lemons make cement or whatever
00:37:55It's romantic she can swallow one last time
00:38:08Shame on you for laughing at that
00:38:15I do think my fear of death has propelled me professionally
00:38:19It's made me sort of a workaholic probably I was doing two full-time jobs for the last couple of
00:38:24years
00:38:24I was touring doing stand-up on the weekends and then I was hosting a late-night show called after
00:38:28midnight during the week
00:38:29Oh, thank you
00:38:32Thank you that's very nice
00:38:35Great experience learned so much worked with great people I had an assistant on set which I initially did not
00:38:41want
00:38:41It is a slippery slope having someone whose whole job is to fetch you snacks, okay?
00:38:46Because day one you're like could I borrow a phone charger next thing you know you're like
00:38:48Could I just grab a LaCroix before you know it you're like could you just hold both my hands until
00:38:52I fall asleep?
00:38:55My assistant's name was molly molly was incredible molly was so good at her job
00:38:59I'm definitely gonna die alone now because the standard of care in relationships is now molly all right
00:39:06Here's how good molly was at her job my first day on the paramount lot
00:39:09I drive under the lot I park in a reserved parking spot for me
00:39:12And there's a big bush that's sort of growing in to the driver's side door right nothing crazy just enough
00:39:17to make it kind of hard to like
00:39:18Shimmy out right there's a few bees buzzing around so I kind of did one of those before I was
00:39:22like hey nice to meet you molly
00:39:24That's all that happened I didn't complain about the bush
00:39:27I didn't report the bush to anyone molly just witnessed the bush touch me a little
00:39:34I drive under the lot the next day
00:39:37Park in my spot and the bush was gone
00:39:42And I went molly did you have them cut down this bush and she goes yep, and I had them
00:39:49spray for bees
00:39:54And I went okay
00:39:57No one fuck with molly
00:39:59I she had that bush whacked literally I I couldn't talk casual shit around her
00:40:05I didn't know what she would do
00:40:07I couldn't come in on a tuesday like dave's kind of bugging me today because I'd come in wednesday like
00:40:12hey
00:40:14where's dave
00:40:16he's with the bees taylor
00:40:28You flinched in his presence so I took care of it
00:40:33It's my first time I'd ever had a corporate job so I got hr training i've never had that before
00:40:37there's no hr in stand-up comedy
00:40:39It's the opposite in fact. They're like are you harassing people great job start a podcast
00:40:45It was fun that hr training I learned a lot did you know we're allowed to fuck people at work
00:40:49did you know that
00:40:51well people from work you got to take them somewhere else but
00:40:54I thought everyone at work was off limits romantically now according to jill from hr
00:40:59She's like no you can date you just have to tell us if you are and I go oh because
00:41:03then you'll tell her like higher-up bosses
00:41:04And then now she goes no you just have to tell us and I was like
00:41:07Who are these sick little freaks in hr?
00:41:11Who are like no you can fuck each other you just have to tell us everything
00:41:16Was it good do you have photos for the powerpoint?
00:41:19That powerpoint was fun the one where they go through all the different scenarios ask you is this appropriate or
00:41:23inappropriate spoiler alert
00:41:24They're all inappropriate I didn't know that I thought they were supposed to inspire conversation and debate
00:41:29No, they're all a pretty clear thumbs down if you know what you're doing
00:41:32I had my own private hr training probably because they knew I was the weakest link on set
00:41:37So they did it during my hair and makeup so it was me deb and havana who did my hair
00:41:40and makeup for the show
00:41:41Jell is going through all the different scenarios right she goes all right scenario number one
00:41:45Kyle tells sharon on her birthday doesn't matter how old you get
00:41:49I would still be down any wingsetter is that appropriate and we were like do you have a picture of
00:41:57kyle
00:42:04Is it the next slide how tall is kyle what's he smell like what's he working with how old sharon
00:42:09is she ovulating?
00:42:09We don't have enough information
00:42:12To answer the prompts chill
00:42:16My favorite thing about being on a network tv show is that they would bleep all the bad words and
00:42:21cut some of the more raunchy stuff
00:42:22Which means that my religious grandparents could watch the show and it wouldn't hurt their ears as much as my
00:42:27stand-up does
00:42:29Not to say that my grandparents aren't supportive they really are
00:42:32I think that they're doing a really good job trying to understand where their liberal agnostic grandkids are coming from
00:42:39I can't stand it when people are too hard on their grandparents if your grandparents are trying to
00:42:44Understand you you got to give them some grace if they mess up here and there terms wise when people
00:42:49are like
00:42:49Well, my grandma cannot remember my pronouns. I'm like does your grandma remember her address
00:42:55Grandma's got bigger fish to fry the light is coming also. Do you know how old your grandma is? I
00:43:00don't mine's been 62 for 40 years
00:43:04Also, you're taking more pictures of your grandparents than you ever have before and they've got to know why and
00:43:10that can't feel good
00:43:20My grandparents were the best example I have in my life of christianity done, right?
00:43:24They're very loving forgiving
00:43:26Non-judgmental people, but my siblings and I are all agnostic because we didn't grow up with that type of
00:43:31christianity
00:43:31We grew up in our scary christian house and when you grow up with something that hurts you as a
00:43:35kid
00:43:35You don't really want it in your barbie dream house as a grown-up, right?
00:43:39I also don't wear belts or use wooden spoons. That's not a coincidence. Okay. Oh, thank god. We were all
00:43:45lightly abused. I
00:43:47Again did that joke in sweden thought they were gonna call somebody it was
00:43:52I there's nothing worse than admitting to a room full of people that you got hit when they got tucked
00:43:57in at night. It is humiliating
00:44:01No, I don't keep anything in my house that hurt me as a kid no bibles no belts no bridge
00:44:05to terabithia
00:44:14I'm hoping the author sees this and writes me a personalized apology
00:44:21I do think that when you grow up in a scary religious environment you spend a lot of your young
00:44:28adulthood
00:44:29Untangling who you are from who they wanted you to be like I just came out as queer in the
00:44:34last couple of years
00:44:35And uh, oh, thank you
00:44:38Thank you. That's
00:44:40That's really nice of you because let me tell you coming out as bisexual at 30 feels like saying to
00:44:45a waiter by the way, it's my birthday
00:44:50They're like cool sing to yourself. You're a grown woman, so
00:44:53You're like excuse me. I was very brave. I just came out. They're like, yeah, but the coast was clear
00:44:57wasn't it, babe?
00:44:58like
00:45:00I would have come out sooner, but I have three younger siblings and they're all queer and they kept coming
00:45:04out
00:45:04They just kept popping out like little groundhogs and every time another one popped out. I was like well
00:45:09That's six more months of heterosexuality for me. I guess
00:45:14I was also hesitant to come out as bisexual because there's a stigma around it, right?
00:45:18When you say you're bisexual a lot of people assume that you are
00:45:22Good at sex and i'm not guys and I refuse to get better
00:45:26All right, i'm not learning any more tricks. Okay, I turned 30. I was like shut it down as jesus
00:45:33said it is finished
00:45:36I'm hitting save progress i'm gonna die on this level
00:45:40But I didn't want to tarnish the brand of bisexuality. I didn't want to bring down the team
00:45:46I have so many queer friends who are so open and free with their sexualities. It's like oh, it's so
00:45:52fun
00:45:52I have so many like samanthas in my friend group and they're so fun and inspiring
00:45:57But I also think we need some gay prude representation as well
00:46:01I think we need more gay prudes to stand up and go. I too am bisexual
00:46:05I'm attracted to all of you and I trust no one
00:46:17I would but I will not
00:46:20It's also scary to say you're bisexual for the same reason it's scary to say you're suicidal
00:46:24There's always gonna be people who are like if you don't go all the way you just want attention
00:46:35You know who likes that joke queer people queer people get that joke straight people are like oh my god,
00:46:40there was so many sad words
00:46:43Just fair you're right
00:46:46No offense straight guys. I have to say I am so glad that straight men are not my only option
00:46:51anymore. That was bleak
00:46:52That was tough and it's not because you're bad people. You're just so hard to communicate with
00:46:57I mean, and I tried i've been to couples therapy with a lot of dudes never been married. That's embarrassing
00:47:04You know embarrassing it is to break up with someone you've been to couples therapy with you just have to
00:47:09live the rest of your life
00:47:10With all this useless information about some dude's childhood. You're like cool. Guess i'll just go the rest of my
00:47:15days knowing what triggers michael. That sucks
00:47:20I also couldn't get on the same page with a lot of my boyfriends about our future
00:47:26Like I used to only want to adopt if I was gonna have kids and every straight guy ever dated
00:47:30was like no
00:47:31It's gonna look like me or i'll eat it every guy
00:47:34Which hey i've never been a father. Maybe that's true, right?
00:47:38I had one boyfriend who said he would use a surrogate. He was open to that idea which I do
00:47:42love the idea of a surrogate
00:47:44What a power move to be like can you just hold this for nine months? I'm
00:47:47I'm so busy i'm getting a call don't eat fish
00:47:51You breeze back in nine months later their guts are everywhere you have a blowout you're like thank you so
00:47:56much
00:47:58Thank you. Hey, hey, you're glowing you're brave money's on the night stand five stars. Bye
00:48:12You're like that was a lot i'm gonna do no contact delivery next time
00:48:16Yeah, no you're the right place just leave it on the porch take a picture i'll come get it when
00:48:20you're gone
00:48:22No, you're at the right house. I just look if I was an extrovert. I would have had it myself
00:48:25so
00:48:28I'm not sure if I want kids now I go back and forth on whether or not I want kids
00:48:32so often that sometimes
00:48:33I just want to get my tubes tied because that feels like the reproductive equivalent of pouring water on brownies
00:48:39in the trash
00:48:47You know when you're like i'm gonna want these later
00:48:53But i'm thinking straight now
00:48:57So i'm gonna remove the option
00:48:59If you're not laughing congrats on having a healthy relationship with food your whole life
00:49:06Do we have any moms in here that wouldn't mind oh good you're like yes, I am I love that
00:49:11that wouldn't mind me asking
00:49:12them personal questions about childbirth love it your hands still up love that
00:49:16Moms are so cool. They're always like yeah sure i'm an open book literally they cracked my spine on the
00:49:21way out so
00:49:22I would love to share
00:49:24Uh, okay, how many kids do you have two nice how old are they?
00:49:2916 and 18. Oh, thank god. They're like full people when people when people have babies. I just I freeze
00:49:34up. I'm like, oh, is it water?
00:49:3616 and 18. Has it opened his eyes or has it dried out they come out pretty slick right yeah
00:49:44Got a grip on it. Okay. Okay. You got teenagers. Did you have your kids out the main terminal?
00:49:51Yeah, I thought that was a classy way of putting it
00:49:54Okay, so i've talked to a lot of women on this tour who have told me because i'm very scared
00:49:58of childbirth which makes sense
00:50:00I grew up in church where not even abstinence could protect you fully right
00:50:07They told you the story of mary they're like yeah, no keep your knees closed hope god doesn't pick you
00:50:13like it
00:50:15It adds a whole other layer of fear to childbirth childbirth is already terrifying. What if it's breach? What if
00:50:23it's sick? What if it's god?
00:50:26So i'm very scared of childbirth and i've talked to a lot of moms on this tour who have told
00:50:30me that when you're pushing
00:50:32A lot of times your body's like we know what you're looking for
00:50:37Coming right up ding ding ding and at some point during the process in addition to a baby you may
00:50:43also push up
00:50:44Did you did you poop? Yeah, thank you for being honest. Thank you so much. Here's what i've learned asking
00:50:49that question for the last couple years
00:50:51There's only two correct answers to did you poop during childbirth. Yes, I did and I do not recall
00:50:58Yes, I did or none of my business
00:51:01Because some moms talk about childbirth like it's a music festival. They went to once they're like, uh, I was
00:51:07on a lot of drugs
00:51:09I think your dad was there. I don't know. All I remember is I kept yelling play my song bitch
00:51:16And they made me leave before I was ready
00:51:22The first time I ever asked someone I was at a comedy club in dallas texas
00:51:26There was a woman in the front row. She goes three kids never pooped and there was a table of
00:51:30nurses nearby
00:51:32Who were wasted you guys who started scream laughing at her?
00:51:39Every single person and if you think you didn't then we fucking lied to you
00:51:52And I had to watch this whole woman's world change
00:51:56It was like the truman show. I felt so bad. I was trying to save the vibe in there. I
00:52:00was like, hey, babe
00:52:01Don't feel bad even if I you know airlift mine out. I'm gonna poop on that table just to show
00:52:05him who's boss, right?
00:52:12To be clear when I say that I came out in the last couple of years
00:52:15I just mean publicly right like I came out to friends earlier than that
00:52:19But I don't think I did it right. I think I was too casual about it
00:52:22I think I was supposed to do like an episode of glee
00:52:25And I just sort of mentioned it like oh, by the way, I think i'm gonna date women now, too
00:52:29And they were like, okay, like I said, I was vegan or something like, okay, we'll see how long that
00:52:34lasts
00:52:35You need iron bitch like they were not
00:52:38They really accepted it once I had my first girlfriend
00:52:41I started dating this girl who was so hot. I was like, oh my god. Am I Pete Davidson?
00:52:53How tall am I?
00:52:55And when I started dating women, it was the closest I'd come to feeling religious in a long time
00:53:00Because my friends would complain about their boyfriends and husbands and I was like, have you heard the good news?
00:53:08You don't have to live like this
00:53:11There's a better way
00:53:15Then once I had a girlfriend, then my friends started coming to me with a lot of their questions
00:53:19They started coming to me with their millennial regrets
00:53:21Do we have any Gen Z in here tonight?
00:53:24Oh my god, shut up, really? Okay, everyone be cool in front of my new friends
00:53:28All right
00:53:30Now Gen Z, you won't really get this because you guys are very good at exploring your identities and sexualities
00:53:35You want to know who you are and what you're capable of
00:53:37And what you have to understand about us millennials is we wake up every day and look in the mirror
00:53:41like
00:53:45Don't feel joy outside
00:53:49You'll upset mama and papa
00:53:53Just wait, be free in death, wait
00:53:56Those are our morning affirmations
00:53:58So we're dealing with a lot, we're repressing a lot
00:54:01So I had a lot of female friends in their 30s and 40s who were like
00:54:05I wish I had dated women, but you know, they ended up with a man and they were happy
00:54:09But they're like, I wish I had done that
00:54:10And so they were asking me a lot of personal questions like
00:54:13Is it better having sex with women?
00:54:15And I was like, do you really want me to tell you?
00:54:17Because you said you're pretty locked in with that guy
00:54:21And they're like, no, like, is it really, is it really different?
00:54:24And I was like, yeah
00:54:26And they were like, well, how?
00:54:30So here's what I said
00:54:32I think the biggest difference between having sex with men and women
00:54:37Is when you're having sex with a woman
00:54:40You're there the whole time
00:54:45You know?
00:54:48Because you know how with a man you can kind of just like
00:54:55Not in a traumatic way, just in like a
00:54:57Oh, I'm in the back seat on a road trip
00:54:59Forgot my headphones, let's look at clouds
00:55:12Huh? I did, I did, yeah, absolutely
00:55:16Yes, oh my god, yes, a big one
00:55:18A huge, big, quiet, but big
00:55:21Just silent but deadly
00:55:24I love those
00:55:25Thank you so much
00:55:28I've never faked an orgasm
00:55:29Because I think our generation got enough participation trophies
00:55:32But I don't judge you if you have to
00:55:35We've all been there right when it's going too long
00:55:37If you want to fake an orgasm
00:55:39Here's a little tip from me to you
00:55:41Just hold your breath
00:55:43For as long as you can
00:55:47Because then when you're like
00:56:01It'll seem like you came
00:56:03When really you just came up for air
00:56:07That's how you get rid of hiccups and Jeremy
00:56:14I do like having sex with men sometimes
00:56:16I will say, does anyone like sucking dick for real?
00:56:19Does anyone really?
00:56:20Yeah, oh wow, good for you
00:56:22Just a quiet hand raise
00:56:24That's beautiful
00:56:29So nice, wow, heroes among us
00:56:31Good for you
00:56:33I like sucking dick the way I like going for a run
00:56:36I'm proud of myself after
00:56:42But during I'm always like
00:56:43Why'd I do this?
00:56:44I didn't have to do this
00:56:46There's other ways to get where I'm going
00:56:50But then afterwards I'm always like
00:56:51Wow, the power of the human spirit
00:56:55Really is all mind over matter out there
00:56:58But then during I'm like
00:57:00People should be throwing little cups of water on me for being so brave
00:57:03But then afterwards I'm like, nice, got my time down
00:57:14We're trying to get faster, not better
00:57:19I remember I was so scared to start going down on women
00:57:21And then I went down on a girl for the first time
00:57:24And I was like, oh my god, that was so much better
00:57:27I was so mad at my whole life
00:57:29I was like, you're telling me this whole time
00:57:31I could have been licking ice creams
00:57:34And instead I've been swallowing swords
00:57:41Could have been living like a child on the boardwalk
00:57:44Instead I've been living like a carny with something to prove
00:57:49Not that I'm like killing it at queer dating
00:57:51I am not
00:57:52I'm running into obstacles I never thought I'd face
00:57:54I got dumped by a polyamorous person
00:57:56You ever been dumped by a polyamorous person?
00:57:58It sucks
00:57:59It's like getting fired from a part-time job
00:58:03They're like, you can't even work here Mondays and Tuesdays
00:58:06Holy shit
00:58:07I didn't think I was going to like dating somebody poly
00:58:09She was poly, I was busy
00:58:11But it actually ended up being the most honest, transparent, communicative relationship
00:58:16I'd ever been in
00:58:17And I was totally in love with her
00:58:18And she dumped me because I work too much
00:58:20And let me tell you something, Grand Rapids
00:58:22When I started dating a polyamorous person
00:58:24I did not think it was going to end because my lifestyle didn't work for them
00:58:32I know some of you don't believe me
00:58:33You're like, there's no way you liked being poly, Taylor
00:58:36You are not cool
00:58:36You reek of monogamy
00:58:38I bet you masturbate to Bridgerton
00:58:39And you know what?
00:58:40I don't
00:58:41I have
00:58:42But I don't
00:58:48That joke's not going in the special
00:58:49There's no way
00:58:51No, no, no
00:58:52That's way too vulnerable to put on Netflix
00:58:55We'll not be doing that
00:58:56Unless it helps the algorithm
00:58:57We'll have to talk about it
00:59:00If Netflix was like, if you liked Bridgerton
00:59:14I really appreciate you guys coming to this new hour of material
00:59:17Because I know it's a lot of God stuff and a lot of gay stuff
00:59:19And my agents are nervous
00:59:23I think my whole team was a little nervous when I said I was going to do
00:59:25A tour called Save Me and talk about religion
00:59:28I got a call from my publicist one day like
00:59:30Hey, I heard you're going to call the special prodigal daughter
00:59:33And you want to call the tour Save Me?
00:59:34I think that's great
00:59:35Just making sure you're not taking any promo photos like
00:59:37Hanging upside down from a cross, right?
00:59:42Anyway, so we got rid of those photos
00:59:44But no, I did not do that
00:59:47I did not do that
00:59:48That was never the intention
00:59:49I understand why they thought it was going to be an hour just bashing Christianity
00:59:54Because if you watch all of my other specials
00:59:56I usually take a few minutes to take a few shots at Christianity
00:59:59And that's because I was working through a lot of stuff from my childhood
01:00:03And also I was really jealous that Christianity had worked for other people
01:00:08And not me
01:00:09As a mentally ill person, it is devastating
01:00:12When someone just goes
01:00:13Yeah, I used to be sad too
01:00:14And then I accepted Jesus into my heart
01:00:16And now I'm all better
01:00:17And you're like
01:00:19Oh, is that all you did?
01:00:21That's all you did?
01:00:23Just said a little poem in the dark
01:00:25And now you're worthy of love?
01:00:27That's great
01:00:27I love that for you
01:00:40It's like when someone goes
01:00:41Yeah, I just stopped drinking soda
01:00:42Lost 20 pounds, all my acne went away
01:00:44And you're like
01:00:44Oh my god, that's so cool
01:00:45I hope your plane falls out of the sky
01:00:52The problem that I have with religion
01:00:55Is it can be interpreted so many different ways, right?
01:00:59Like you can say to a room full of people
01:01:01Jesus loves you no matter what
01:01:03And a lot of those people will hear
01:01:05Jesus loves me
01:01:06But some of those people will hear
01:01:10No matter what
01:01:13And that's the problem, right?
01:01:14Religion can be used as either a weapon or a tool
01:01:17And to be clear, if you are using religion as a weapon
01:01:21To control, manipulate, scare people
01:01:24To make yourself feel superior to everyone else
01:01:27Fuck you
01:01:27That's not what it's for
01:01:33You are not using that correctly
01:01:38You're using a vibrator as a back massager
01:01:41And we're all fucking laughing at you
01:01:44Because if God does exist
01:01:46He does not exist to make you feel better than other people
01:01:49He exists to make you better for other people
01:01:59And life is so fucking hard
01:02:01Whatever makes you a better person for other people
01:02:04That's what you should be doing
01:02:05We do this weird thing where we like
01:02:07Forget that everybody's struggling
01:02:09Everybody's just trying to get through it
01:02:11And we judge each other's coping mechanisms
01:02:13Like oh you're a quitter if you get on antidepressants
01:02:15You're stupid if you believe in God
01:02:17Bitch, I'm on mood stabilizers, you're on Jesus
01:02:20We're all trying to get to dead with daddy
01:02:22We're all trying to get there
01:02:27It's fine
01:02:31And there are a lot of people who are using religion correctly
01:02:35People like my aunt and uncle, my grandparents
01:02:36The people at this church
01:02:37There are a lot of people who are using religion as a tool
01:02:41For community and connection and compassion and comfort
01:02:46And when I was writing this hour
01:02:48I was thinking about those people
01:02:50And I was thinking about my family
01:02:51And I was trying to think of positive things
01:02:53That came out of me growing up in church
01:02:56And the most positive thing
01:02:57I can't believe I didn't think of sooner
01:02:58I started doing stand-up in churches
01:03:01That's how I started doing this
01:03:02They called it testimony
01:03:03But I was getting laughs
01:03:04And no
01:03:07No I really did
01:03:09I started doing stand-up when I was 16 years old
01:03:11And for the first like
01:03:12I don't know like four or five years of my career
01:03:14I was performing in a lot of churches
01:03:16If you don't know
01:03:17In America you can make a living as a church comedian
01:03:19You can tour churches even bigger than this
01:03:22Four or five thousand seats
01:03:24And make a great living that way
01:03:26And when I was like 21 I had to decide
01:03:28Am I going to go the church comedian route
01:03:30Or am I going to go the secular comedian route
01:03:32And I think you know what I picked
01:03:36But I am so grateful to have that as my foundation
01:03:40For my stand-up career
01:03:41I mean I got so much professional stage time
01:03:43In front of thousands of people
01:03:45I got paid
01:03:46I learned how to work clean and perform in any room
01:03:49And I think about that a lot
01:03:52I'm so grateful for it
01:03:53And I know a lot of you are probably sitting there right now
01:03:54Going well that's nice
01:03:58It's cute that you're grateful Taylor
01:04:00And we you know we get what you're doing
01:04:02With the church and everything
01:04:04But um
01:04:05We've seen your stuff now
01:04:08And there's no way you could perform in churches now
01:04:13And here's the thing
01:04:14I don't want to
01:04:16And I probably won't
01:04:18But I fucking could though
01:04:20Okay
01:04:21Oh
01:04:22If I get cancelled or some shit
01:04:24I'm a fucking professional
01:04:26And I will be returning to churches
01:04:28Okay
01:04:29I will turn this ship around so goddamn gosh darn fast
01:04:34In a fetus's heartbeat I'll go back to churches
01:04:37I will rebrand like you've never seen
01:04:39I'll get real big hair
01:04:40Marry a man
01:04:41Let him lead
01:04:43Write a book called
01:04:44Submissive wife
01:04:45Submissive life
01:04:46Adopt a southern accent out of nowhere
01:04:50And yeah I'm going on tour
01:04:52I have the beginning of the show all planned out in my head
01:04:54It's going to start off
01:04:55Pitch black auditorium
01:04:56Then on the big screen
01:04:58I'm only doing mega churches
01:04:59That's where the money is
01:05:00On the big screen
01:05:01A black and white montage
01:05:03Probably starting with the Netflix
01:05:04Badon noise
01:05:06They own my ass for like eight more years
01:05:09A black and white montage of all my raunchiest jokes from my 20s
01:05:13And that's why getting a guy to wear a condom is like
01:05:16Fade out to demon noises
01:05:18Freeze frame on my young face
01:05:20Lights slowly come up as I walk out wearing all
01:05:24You know what?
01:05:26I'm just going to show you
01:05:27I'm just going to show you
01:05:38This is how you get pussy
01:05:39I came so hard
01:05:41I'll have you know in bed
01:05:42I am a wild animal
01:05:44Okay
01:05:44And that's when I stopped believing in God
01:05:47Go home and google porn for women
01:05:49Okay
01:05:50I lost my virginity late
01:05:51I lost it when I was financially independent
01:05:53You guys I'm literally fucking the patriarchy
01:05:56Are you wet? Let me feel
01:05:57Yeah I grew up with God
01:05:58He's a douchebag
01:05:59That joke makes it sound like I resent my religious upbringing
01:06:03And I do so I nailed it
01:06:04Fucking hell
01:06:05No Christian parents want to watch their daughter talk about depression and dick for an hour
01:06:08Take that Jesus
01:06:09I don't know if any of you have tried to get a 20-something dude from a dating app to
01:06:14wear a condom lately
01:06:15But it's sort of like trying to convince a five-year-old to put a jacket on over his Halloween
01:06:21costume
01:06:22That's when I stopped
01:06:24And you guys
01:06:25I think I haven't even tried to masturbate
01:06:27Yeah I ain't even a fucking hell
01:06:28He's a douchebag
01:06:29That sucks
01:06:29Jesus
01:06:35He's a douchebag
01:06:36He's a douchebag
01:06:40He's a douchebag
01:06:41He's a douchebag
01:06:42He's a douchebag
01:06:43He's a douchebag
01:06:43He's a douchebag
01:06:45He's a douchebag
01:06:46He's a douchebag
01:06:47He's a douchebag
01:06:48He's a douchebag
01:06:48He's a douchebag
01:06:49He's a douchebag
01:06:49He's a douchebag
01:06:50He's a douchebag
01:06:50He's a douchebag
01:06:50He's a douchebag
01:06:50He's a douchebag
01:06:51He's a douchebag
01:06:52He's a douchebag
01:06:52He's a douchebag
01:06:52He's a douchebag
01:06:54He's a douchebag
01:06:54He's a douchebag
01:07:02He's a douchebag
01:07:02recognize her that was me back when Satan had me in his clutches and I can
01:07:11see some of you feeling like Joseph on Christmas right now like mmm is this
01:07:16whore lying to me but everybody loves the comeback don't they it ain't a
01:07:22rebrand it's a rebirth folks welcome to the prodigal daughter all right here's
01:07:47some great queer awakenings people sent in we always get we always get the cast
01:07:53of Pirates of the Caribbean we always get she go from Kim possible we always get
01:07:57Robin Hood the Fox version for yeah you know and then people always ask what my
01:08:05queer awakening was and my queer awakening I figured out because I was watching
01:08:09home movies of me as a little kid and I found this video of me talking to my mom
01:08:13when I was like three or four and you guys remember the girl deer from Bambi
01:08:17Folleen okay so apparently Folleen was my queer awakening and we do have the
01:08:23footage
01:08:29what about Folleen isn't she the best too
01:08:32yeah she's very pretty she makes me like a hot dog and a pan
01:08:41my goodness what does that mean
01:08:46thank you so much Grand Rapids I cannot thank you enough one more time for Sophie
01:08:51rebuttal everybody
01:08:54you
01:08:55you
01:08:55you
01:09:01you
01:09:03you
01:09:05you
01:09:06you
01:09:06you
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