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00:04You know that it's a new material night for experienced acts and it's also brand new
00:09beginners so if you've never done stand-up before this is where you come and do stand-up.
00:22Right Glasgow, I've got another newbie, never done this before. Please welcome to the stage.
00:38This is Will. This is terrifying, slow down! And this is Ralph. I feel like a powerful badass.
00:45We've been mates for 20 odd years. Come here, let's have a snuggle.
00:50We might look like middle-aged blokes. Yeah, this is great fun. But really,
00:54we're just a pair of massive, noisy kids. Where have you got that cake from?
01:04So what will it take for us to grow up? I'm really tired. Embrace modern life. Should have gone for
01:10some supple nails, like mine. And become better. Made it one, we found a survivor. Maturer men.
01:18Look at these tides. There's something wrong with these.
01:22Aaaaaaah!
01:24Aaaaaaah!
01:25Aaaaaaah!
01:26Aaaaah!
01:48Aaaaaah!
01:49So come on then, why are we here in Scotland? We're investigating fear. What are you scared
01:56of? Erm... I mean, kind of everything. No, no, no. You're a nervous man. I'm getting scared
02:02of getting older. I'm scared of dying. We've got some bad news for you. Yeah, no, shut it.
02:06I don't believe that's going to happen to me, I've told you. I think technology's going to
02:09catch up quick. I'm going to come up with a way that I can live forever. I think you're
02:13just going to miss it. Right. There is something that we've both talked
02:18about a lot. Something that genuinely scares us. Something that both of us are frightened
02:22of. We've talked about, we've dreamed about, we've threatened to doom over the years.
02:26Stand-up comedy. Stand-up comedy. Have you booked us in? Really? We're not doing, are we?
02:32We, in a matter of days, are live. Stand-up comedy. Just a normal comedy night in which
02:41you and I are two of several acts. Will and I are each booked to perform a solo
02:49comedy set at the famous Stand Comedy Club in Glasgow. Now that I've said it out loud,
02:57it's a terrible idea. Ralph, seriously. In Scotland? We're in Scotland. In Glasgow. A place
03:06famously welcoming to the English. Exactly. To get us ready, I've arranged a meeting with
03:13top stand-up comedian, Susie McCabe. It's 28 degrees, the moon's out, I'm Scottish, I'm like
03:22past the factor 50 hen. I do not trust the moon burn. Get me! The factor 50. There is a
03:30known
03:30saying in our industry, the scariest thing you can do is do stand-up comedy. I've never
03:37ever looked at it like that. I remember a friend who said to me, it's not nerves mate, it's just
03:42the adrenaline. I know that there's... Yeah, but if no one laughs there's going to be
03:45adrenaline all in the back of my underpants, I'll tell you that. Comedy is, it's got such a
03:50wide spectrum of what some people might find funny, what I might find funny, you might
03:54not or he might not. I mean, I've stood and looked at a room in hysterics and then
03:59half the room going, I don't know what this person's doing. Have you died on stage?
04:04Aye, everyone dies at some point. But it's what you've got to learn. You've got to learn.
04:10But let me tell you this, right? See if you come off after five minutes of laugh, you will be
04:15up there for days. Really? It is genuinely the greatest feeling in the world. Here's what
04:21I need yous to do. Yes. Write yourselves, you're actors, write yourselves a script. Okay.
04:26Get a pad and pen, get a little A3 notebook and get writing. Yeah. Don't let me down boys.
04:33Aww. My reputation's on the line here. Cheers. My reputation's on the line.
04:36Thank you very much. Stand up! Stand up! Stand up! Stand up!
04:43How do you feel after that? She was nice, Susie, wasn't she? Really nice and actually made
04:48me feel a bit better. Did she? Well, because she just said, be confident in what you're saying,
04:52you know, if you're a little nervous, they'll be nervous. I think that's what I got from her.
04:56Is that what you heard? What did you hear? I'll tell you what I heard. It's terrifying.
05:02Yes, it's terrifying.
05:11Okay, right. You're always going about, I'm not scared of things, you know, I'm aliens
05:15and, you know, and spirits and all that shit. Well, I think I've actually done something
05:19that you would find more frightening than any of that. What I've done, that I think you'd
05:24find more frightening... Enlighten me.
05:26..is have a child. Oh. Yes. Yes. Actually, commit to something. Commitment.
05:34There you go. Like, I have had two kids and brought them up, right?
05:37So... Yeah. I thought, to give you a little taste...
05:44I'm taking you to a place, it's like a charity set-up, where dads can go and learn
05:48how to be good parents, what to expect from a baby, how to be a parent.
05:54This is living nightly.
05:58You'll learn something.
06:01Hello. Hi. Today's group is being run by co-founder, Thomas Lynch.
06:08What's the worry about children?
06:10It's a lot of work, innit?
06:12I bought a bread maker once, and I loved making that bread, but after a little while,
06:16I was like, I'll just unplug it and put it under the cupboard.
06:18Put it in the garage.
06:19You can't really do that with babies, can you?
06:21That's the first time I've ever had a child compared to a bread maker.
06:24At first, all they are is, you've got to feed them and clean them.
06:29Yeah. And that's sort of it for a while.
06:31You don't get much back, do you, for a while?
06:33And that can be quite soul-destroying.
06:34Especially for you guys, you need that attention, right?
06:38I mean, you're not wrong, but I didn't expect to be called out quite so quickly and accurately, yeah.
06:44There is definitely a little bit that you need to give,
06:46but as soon as they make little noises, as soon as their eyes are opening, it's brilliant.
06:50Ralph, what is it that you're most afraid of, do you think?
06:55I've lived a lot of my life having a mentality where there's nothing I can't walk away from.
07:05It's actually terrifying to me, the idea of loving something so completely and irreversibly.
07:14Yeah, you can't walk away from it.
07:16I can't walk away from it intact.
07:18That's terrifying to me.
07:20I think we should go over, get some hands-on experience, change some nappies.
07:24OK. Let's go.
07:27Good evening, come on in, come on in.
07:29Are these your regulars?
07:31Yeah.
07:31The groups have run multiple times a week across Scotland, giving free advice to new and expecting dads.
07:37Look after the neck, look after the neck.
07:39Is anyone expecting a baby?
07:41Yeah. You?
07:41Yeah.
07:42When is it coming?
07:43November.
07:43How are you feeling?
07:44Nervous, excited.
07:46I'm going to show you how to put a baby in a car seat.
07:48We want to get the baby as snug as possible.
07:51What age is the baby when you sort of get your life back?
07:58So, we're going to show you how to change a nappy on a baby.
08:00This is the newborn baby, so you don't need to take it over the baby's head,
08:04and that's important for when you have what we call Poonami or Pumageddon.
08:07Ralph.
08:08So, you've got to change a nappy.
08:10Hands on.
08:15Hiya.
08:16Are you taking your watch or fuck?
08:17Because I don't want to scratch the baby with me watch, do I?
08:19You don't want shit on your watch, that's what it is.
08:21I don't want shit on me watch.
08:22Right, OK.
08:25I have no skin in the game, really, in there.
08:28And it even was making me nervous.
08:29It was like, there's a lot.
08:31It was almost like just theoretically picturing the responsibility.
08:34It felt like a lot.
08:36Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
08:39Beautiful singing.
08:42Oh, God.
08:46Michelle!
08:47This one's for you.
08:49That's how I'd play that.
08:51You should be very careful you don't lift the baby too high
08:53because of the baby's neck.
08:55No, that's fine.
08:57With the big wings to the back and keep it nice and flat.
09:00Do you know what?
09:00I was watching that today with him changing his nappy
09:04and I missed it.
09:06Even though it's really hard.
09:08And I might be looking at it through rose tinted glasses.
09:11But my kids are all grown up now.
09:13And it just, you realise how quick time goes.
09:16I miss being a dad that the kids, you know, need and look up to.
09:20That was a magical part of it.
09:23There we go.
09:24There you go.
09:25That looks good.
09:27Amazing.
09:28Oh, it's just shit again.
09:31Fucking hell.
09:33That's life.
09:35Beautiful.
09:36Well done.
09:36Well done.
09:37Before we leave, Thomas has one little gift for Ralph.
09:41We have your very own baby to look after for at least the next 24 hours,
09:47but maybe 20 years.
09:50And you need to be responsible.
09:53You can do this.
09:54Come on, Ralph.
09:55Look after the neck, remember.
09:56Baby will respond.
09:57I've done it.
09:57It's you.
09:58There you go.
09:59You need to think of a name.
10:00Do you have a middle name?
10:02Alistair.
10:02It's a good solid Scottish name.
10:03Oh, that's a good Scottish name, yeah.
10:04Call Alistair.
10:05You have a night with it tonight.
10:08It's making noises.
10:11You'll be all right.
10:12Yeah, we're fine.
10:13We believe in you.
10:14You can do it.
10:15I think you can do it.
10:17All right.
10:17Thank you, everybody.
10:18Thanks for your time, guys.
10:19And good luck.
10:21Cheers.
10:22And thank you, everybody.
10:44Ralph, it might have shit itself.
10:46It might have...
10:47Hold on.
10:48He's calming down.
10:48See what I mean?
10:49You've just got to hold your nerve.
10:51It'll stop.
10:54Good girl.
10:55Well, it was a boy.
10:57Good boy.
11:02I'll take care of it.
11:08Ralph, you can't just put the music on.
11:10I can't hear it.
11:11Ralph!
11:12That's not the key.
11:13You've got to sort it out.
11:18Ralph.
11:23Yes, he's still crying.
11:24Wait.
11:26It worked!
11:27It worked!
11:29Yes!
11:30Yes!
11:32I drove all night
11:36To get to you
11:39I'm the best dad ever!
11:42I drove all night
11:51It's fun, isn't it, being parent?
11:53Isn't it fun being parent?
11:55Why are you saying this to me?
11:55We're the parents.
11:56Hey!
11:57You're the parent.
11:59I've done my shift.
12:00Hey!
12:00Hey!
12:00You didn't use protection.
12:02You have responsibility too.
12:03You don't just walk away.
12:04See what happens to our relationship
12:06once the baby gets toy into it.
12:07Yes!
12:07See what happens!
12:08Yes!
12:10Go and see it to the baby!
12:12Go and see it to the baby!
12:12Go and see it to the baby!
12:13Don't you talk to me like that!
12:14You don't need to talk to me like this!
12:16It's all the baby out!
12:17It's your baby!
12:25I don't know!
12:25Where's this bottle?
12:27Give him the bop-bop.
12:29It's miserable.
12:31What are you doing?
12:32I'm turning it off.
12:34You're not supposed to do that!
12:36Magic.
12:37Great idea.
12:39Let's get out of here.
12:44That's the way you deal with the baby.
12:45That worked.
12:45That worked.
12:46Wouldn't it be great if you could just do that when they're crying?
12:48Just switch it off for a bit.
12:51Shall we go pub?
12:52Yeah.
13:02Yeah, it's been a funny old day.
13:05Just in general for me.
13:07It's through some...
13:07I can see it through some questions into your mind that you weren't expecting.
13:11Yeah.
13:11I can tell from your reaction that you were a bit like, maybe there is a reason, a bit
13:18deeper, why I haven't had children.
13:21For sure.
13:23There is.
13:23Yeah.
13:26My parents were fantastic with us and did the best that they could.
13:30Yeah.
13:31But their relationship broke down in a really difficult way and that was very difficult
13:36for us.
13:37Yeah.
13:39You know, there's no way of putting this that's not blunt, but they had three kids in an idyllic
13:47family life and then one of the kids was alive one week and dead the next.
13:51Yeah.
13:52And everything, their entire lives crumbled right in front of their eyes from that moment
13:57on.
13:58So, you know, you can't protect them.
14:02My mum was really...
14:08My mum was really protective of us.
14:10Really protective.
14:14And it happened anyway.
14:16It happened anyway because you can't wrap your kids in cotton wool and protect them 24-7.
14:20It's...
14:22Like, it's...
14:23It's a lot.
14:25And it's only when I'm forced to sort of say these things out loud that I realise quite
14:29what a lot it is.
14:30Yeah.
14:30Yeah.
14:31There's no guarantees, is there?
14:59There's no guarantee to you.
15:02There's no guarantee to you that.
15:03I've got some good news for you. What?
15:07For our next adventure
15:09To investigate fear you've said to me on more than one occasion on our podcast or whatever you've said to
15:14me
15:15Do you know what I'd really love to do? I'd love to I'd love to be in the circus. I'd
15:19probably be a clown
15:19I feel like that
15:21100% yeah, we're going to the circus. We're gonna join the circus. Yeah, and we're
15:27We're not actually gonna be clowns
15:29I thought we might do something a little more challenging something that might challenge fears
15:34What
15:40Okay, knees up come on sit hands off look up
15:46Make straight
16:00Nice you must be out of your fucking mind if you think we're gonna be able to do that
16:05Scott Craig started out in the circus as a child in Australia nearly 30 years ago and now teaches trapeze
16:12here at Community Circus Paisley
16:15This place basically a circus school. It's now I think one of only two indoor flying trapeze rigs in the
16:21UK
16:22Wow
16:22So I what is it we're actually going to be doing so we're gonna start with the very first trick
16:26that everyone starts with on flying trapeze
16:28Which is a knee hang which is literally just bringing your knees up hooking on onto the bar
16:32Taking your hands off hanging from your knees as you swing through towards the catcher
16:36The catcher will grab you first and then you take your legs off the bar and you go for a
16:40swing on the catcher
16:41That's the first one we made that sound really simple. I thought he was gonna go she's gonna swing by
16:46your arms
16:47Yeah, we'll start bit by bit. We'll start on the ground. It's pretty simple
16:50It's just if you can lie on the ground bring your knees up to your chest
16:54You've got it
17:01Have to say I'm loving the outfits. Thanks mate. I noticed that you're not sporting one lie down on the
17:06ground
17:09You grab this stick and hold it above your heads
17:12So you can imagine you're hanging down
17:15That's it so the secret to getting your legs under the bar
17:18Scott I'm exhausted already. I'm doing is lying down. As hard as it gets. Don't worry
17:22You're gonna bring your knees up. That's it and then roll them right up right up right up right up
17:27All right, Scott nice to meet you
17:29Jesus Christ
17:31Take Binding dinner first
17:33Yes, there we go
17:36Let's try it again, right look down on your feet. Yep roll your feet right up to the bar if
17:41you can even further
17:41Keep going keep going keep going
17:44That's it right up. There we go. That's it. That's it
17:45Get out of the bar
17:49Jesus Christ
17:52Scott Scott Scott Scott
17:54You said anyone could do this
17:56This isn't easy at all
17:58There we go. See
18:13I'm not flexible like a piece of metal. I don't bend when you lean out keep your hips forward and
18:19your shoulders back
18:19Give me all of your weight straight legs. Yep feet apart a little bit more
18:23Sorry, that was me ankles
18:24Did you hear that snap?
18:25That was me ankles
18:27I felt that through the floor
18:28I think he thought we might have had experience because he was like right do that do that let go
18:32done
18:32I was like whoa whoa whoa
18:34So jump backwards bring your hips and your toes forward to go down that water slide. Okay
18:39Shoulders back. Imagine you're rowing a boat hips forwards. What? Hips forwards. None of this is hard. That's it. There
18:44we go
18:45Did I think Scott's training was a bit rushed? I think he just thinks we could all do what he
18:51can do
18:51You're gonna look down at your knees bring your knees up and around push the bar over hook your knees
18:56on hold on tight
18:57When I say hands off you're gonna let go and arch right back Scott and then we'll just come back
19:01up to here
19:02Scott what are you talking about?
19:04Under the bar you've got it you've got it
19:06Hook them on and then hands off
19:09I can't let go
19:11I can't
19:11I can't possibly come down
19:12I can't let go
19:13I can't let go
19:15I've got all your weight
19:15I can't let go
19:19Seriously I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes
19:23Let's do it
19:24You go first
19:29Tell you what though that ladder looks really sturdy
19:31Oh yeah
19:34You don't have to think just do what you're told when you're told it
19:43No
19:44Mental
19:47Oh my god
19:48No I'm sorry I can't let go
19:49There's no way
19:50There's no way mate
19:51You got it
19:52You're halfway there
19:53No I can't do it
19:54I'm telling you there's no way
19:56You got it
19:56We're facing our fears
19:58Right
19:58But letting go of that bar
20:01Once you've got one hand on to do that
20:03And lean over
20:08Go on you can do it
20:10Have you got older mate
20:12Yeah
20:12No I can't
20:14Seriously
20:15I'm shaking myself
20:16They've got you and I've got you on the lines as well
20:18Oh my god honestly
20:20Let go
20:24I can't do it
20:25I can't
20:25Get me down
20:26I'm not doing it
20:26I can't do it
20:29I don't know if it's because I'm getting older or what but
20:33That
20:34Doubt
20:34And that fear
20:36Was more than it's ever been before
20:43I can't do it
20:54We ready?
20:54Yep
20:55Go for it
20:55There's no way
20:58That's awful
20:59It's awful
21:01It's horrible
21:06I'll tell you what Will
21:08It's quite high up when you look from this angle isn't it?
21:10Oh is it?
21:11Oh no no no let go Ralph
21:13Let go
21:15You're safe
21:16They've got you
21:18It's horrible
21:18I can't even reach it
21:20I can't reach
21:22I can't reach
21:22I told you
21:23I think
21:25I can't reach it
21:26Just grab it
21:27There we go
21:28There you go
21:28Now work
21:29You ready?
21:30Yeah
21:31Yeah
21:32So you're listening to me yeah?
21:34Yeah
21:34Everything I say at the right time
21:35Here we go
21:35Bend
21:37Jump
21:38That's it relax now
21:39Knees up
21:40Come on
21:41Yep under the bar
21:42Go go go
21:43I'm gonna give you a bit of swing
21:45Okay
21:46Gently
21:46Hands off
21:47Look right up
21:49Legs straight
21:50Yes
21:51Oh
21:53So you're not such a big deal
21:58What a bastard
22:00That was actually amazing
22:02Fuck off
22:03Okay truth
22:06The
22:07Getting the second hand on it is by far the worst bit
22:10It's horrendous
22:11By far the worst bit but from the moment you go it's like oh this is great
22:14You are
22:15You are you 1 million percent can do it
22:17I don't think I can
22:18You can do it
22:19The worst thing that can possibly happen
22:21Has already happened
22:23Which is putting on that outfit
22:26That is true
22:27You got this
22:29These things that you take for granted as a kid
22:31I used to go to parks
22:32Swing from the ankles
22:34No fear
22:35No problem
22:36I'm 49 now
22:38And
22:39You can tell
22:41Take your hands
22:47The longer you're up there thinking about it the worse it gets
22:50So the second time I just went
22:51Just do it
22:53Yeah you got it
22:54Just stay there
22:55Stay there
22:55That's exactly it
22:56You're safe
22:56He's got you
22:57Jump
22:581, 2, 3
23:00Go
23:00Go
23:00Go
23:01Yes
23:01Yes
23:05Okay ready
23:06Knees up now
23:07There's fucking no chance I'm lifting my knees up
23:09Knees up on the other side
23:10I'm trying to kill him
23:11Do it
23:11I'm going to let go
23:12I'm going to let go
23:13When I say
23:15Ready
23:15Let go
23:16When I say
23:18Yes
23:19Fuck that
23:20You stay in me fucking hands
23:21Wait there
23:22One second
23:25You did it
23:26I'm proud of you
23:27That's fantastic
23:28That's bollocks
23:29Once you were swinging did you not enjoy it?
23:31Nope
23:32Will wasn't keen on another attempt
23:34But Scott wanted me to try for a full catch
23:36Swinging from one trapeze over to another gymnast
23:40Okay
23:41Should we go for a catch?
23:43Yeah
23:43Okay
23:44So Adam's going to tell you to bend and jump
23:46And then you'll listen to me
23:48And then Adam will say leg straight
23:49Yeah
23:50So bend and jump to start
23:52Where Adam says yeah
23:54Okay
23:56So left hand on that bar
23:59Yeah the bar's coming up
24:00Long chance
24:01Second hand on
24:02It's the worst bit innit
24:05Okay
24:05Ready on board
24:06Here we go
24:08Bend
24:08Jump
24:09Good
24:10Good
24:10Okay
24:11Knees up
24:11Hook them on
24:12That's it
24:13Hands off
24:14Look up
24:18Yes
24:19Oh
24:20Get in there lad
24:21From the chandelier
24:24From the chandelier
24:26From the chandelier
24:29I'm gonna feel
24:31Like tomorrow
24:33Cause in the steel
24:34Woooo!
24:36Woooo!
24:37Woooo!
24:38Woooo!
24:38Woooo!
24:38Woooo!
24:40That was amazing!
24:43That was great, bud!
24:43That was amazing, mate!
24:45That was unbelievable.
24:47Unbelievable.
24:48That was a real thrill.
24:50Superb.
24:50Superb.
24:51You can get up one last time, can't you?
24:53There's not a chance
24:53Plenty of chalk on the hands
24:54I can't keep failing
24:55Cause it's not good for me head
24:56I just keep thinking
24:57I'm just shit out
24:58Whoa, hold on, you haven't failed?
24:59I've not felt like that for a while
25:00My brain going
25:01You can't do this
25:02The older you get
25:03The less you do
25:04So the more scared you are
25:06Of doing things that you've never done before
25:07I think that's the key
25:09And I hate it
25:11You did phenomenally today
25:12To get from where you started
25:14To what you achieved
25:15I appreciate your time though
25:16And thank you
25:18Come back any time
25:19We'll get there
25:20On the face of it
25:21It looks like
25:22I had more success today
25:23Than he did
25:24But I'm not scared of heights
25:25Will went
25:26That looks terrifying
25:27I'm not going to be able to do
25:28Any of it
25:29And he overcame
25:30Several layers of fear
25:32And did what he did
25:34And actually
25:35I think that's
25:36Measurably
25:38Probably a bigger success
25:43What happens
25:45If I get that fear
25:46When I'm on stage
25:47Do we stand up?
25:48Are you worried that it might
25:49Confidence is everything
25:50You know it
25:51Even if you're not confident
25:52You can sell that you are
25:53Yeah
25:54And that is what stand up's about
25:55Yeah
25:56And that's just not my confidence
25:57So when we go to do the stand up
26:00I'm not going to be as confident
26:01As I would have been
26:02If I hadn't have done that
26:04Do you think it's too late
26:05To back out?
26:07Stand up
26:09It's the afternoon of the performance
26:10And we're meeting Susie
26:12To get our first look at the venue
26:14Stand up
26:15Well
26:16There's no going back now mate
26:19Susie
26:19Hi boys
26:21How's it going?
26:22Oh come on over
26:23This feels like the long walk
26:24Dead men walking on the mile
26:29So you will have tables and everything, I mean...
26:32That close? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There?
26:34It has to be. Oh, no.
26:37Even though we've never done this,
26:39it feels like it's close enough to what we are known for doing.
26:43Even though we know it's very different,
26:45I think there's an added pressure to that.
26:46There's no way I would have signed up to do this
26:48if I thought you'd be terrible.
26:51So now I'm added pressure from Susan.
26:53Don't let us down, you're my comedy children.
26:57We're keeping our material secret from each other,
26:59so Susie has given us feedback in private.
27:02We won't see each other perform until tonight.
27:05Hands out your pockets. Listen off.
27:08Right. I've not learnt any of this yet.
27:11Ladies and gentlemen, please, welcome to this stage,
27:13Will Mailer!
27:16Yes, people! Why, did Will go with no notes?
27:19Did he? Shit house.
27:21I will plan and plan.
27:23I've just turned 49 and shitting myself
27:25has come a bit more of a regularity.
27:28Ralph will leave everything to the last minute.
27:29That's just how he is.
27:31Well, this is scary already.
27:35Thank you so much for welcoming me into this warm, dark space.
27:41It's very inviting.
27:48As always, in retrospect, I wish I'd spent longer on it.
27:52Here you go, it's a young man's game.
27:54Trusting farts is a young man's game.
27:55That's funny! Yes!
27:57I liked it when you'd done the thing about kids being spoiled.
28:01So, always punch up, Ralph.
28:02You've got to punch up.
28:04That's very funny.
28:05That's how we flip it round.
28:07That's it.
28:07That's a great shout. Thank you, Susie.
28:09Really appreciate your help.
28:11Right.
28:11Good arms.
28:13I'm battling with this thing of going, it's a few hours away now.
28:16And as it stuns, I still have essentially nothing.
28:20But do you know what?
28:21You became less nervous as you get further into it.
28:24You looked less at your notes.
28:25I think it is so much stronger than what you think it is.
28:29Okay.
28:29I really do.
28:31I really do.
28:32So, yeah.
28:34Okay, I'm going to spend a few hours learning this,
28:37rewriting bits of it, trying not to throw up.
28:40I'll be great.
28:41You will be great.
28:42You will be great.
28:58I did have to rewrite some stuff.
29:00You know, Susie gave me some tips that I then had to go and rewrite.
29:03I think the best stand-up is personal.
29:05I've always enjoyed stand-ups where you learn a little bit about them
29:08and the way they see life and the way they see the world.
29:12When I left Susie, I got her notes and I went back and I worked on it
29:15and I took on her advice and changed it,
29:19which made me a bit nervous because I thought,
29:21if I change it at this point, what if that just messes my whole thing up?
29:27What's that?
29:28What's the music going on now?
29:30Does that mean the audience is coming in?
29:31That means the audience is coming in.
29:35The stand is a 220-person capacity venue, and this evening, it's sold out.
29:47We are two of seven comedians on the bill.
29:50Nice to meet you, Ralph.
29:52Not for it, Ralph, then?
29:54I'm shitting my pants.
29:56Do you, have many of your sitcoms been, like, studio films?
30:01Yeah, two pints that I did with Will was...
30:02So did you not...?
30:03Are you used to that, then, like, reacting to the laughter?
30:05Oh, yeah, 100%, but, you know...
30:08Yeah, yeah, yeah.
30:08Somebody else wrote that, so if it was shit, then we didn't care.
30:10LAUGHTER
30:12The audience is all in.
30:14The night is about to begin.
30:18She's on the battlefield, boys.
30:19So, you out there?
30:21Ah, here we go.
30:22Please welcome to stage your host, I can't get it, Susie McKay!
30:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:36Give me a wee cheer if you are from Glasgow.
30:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:40Any English in?
30:43No?
30:45Not so fucking cocky now, are they?
30:49Up here trying to smuggle back your square sausage and tablet.
30:53Listen, hamburgers don't have to pay you to be shit.
30:57Just to make me look better.
30:59To be honest, I'm trying a lot of new stuff, so...
31:01Are you?
31:01It could go anywhere.
31:03All right.
31:04What's the set-up here?
31:05My God!
31:06You're like Jesus!
31:09I mean, I am a bona fide lesbian, but fuck you, handsome!
31:14Don't fuck it up.
31:16Don't fuck it up.
31:19Please, welcome to the stage, your first act is coming!
31:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:31Now, I really should explain my aided entrance here, right?
31:35I am in fact registered as blind, right?
31:38Just delighted I'm no next to the bins right now.
31:40LAUGHTER
31:42Will is on next.
31:45Fuck, it just got real.
31:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:02This person's going to do it for the very first time, so please, give this person all the love in
32:06the world.
32:09Please, welcome to the stage, Mr. Will Miller!
32:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:19Yes!
32:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:25Wow!
32:27Just like Susie said, this is my first time ever doing this.
32:32It's a thing, you know, when you get a bit older, you start thinking, I've got to challenge myself.
32:36Do things that frighten you, you know?
32:38So here I am, shitting myself.
32:41Which, do you know what?
32:42I turned 49 just a couple of months ago, so shitting myself has become a bit more of a regularity,
32:48you know?
32:49No, it's true. It's true.
32:51Trusting farts...
32:55..is a thing for young people.
32:58Back in the day, TV seemed a lot more innocent.
33:02You know, what do we have programmes like Blind Date, right?
33:06Innocent, what's the equivalent we've got now?
33:09Fucking naked attractions.
33:11If you'd never seen Blind Date, if you were a bit younger, you'd have a lady.
33:15I should be asking questions.
33:16So she'd be like, OK, my questions for number three.
33:20Er...
33:20Number three, if you was a biscuit...
33:25..what biscuit would you be?
33:28And he'd be like, hello, er, well, I'd be a...
33:32..I'd be a jammy dodger.
33:34Because I'm hard on the outside, and I've got a soft centre.
33:39And it's like, aww.
33:42Now it's like, do you like a big vulva?
33:49Is...
33:57Does the dangly clit bother you?
33:59LAUGHTER
34:02The balls are bigger than the dick, is that a problem?
34:05How have we gone from there to there in my lifetime?
34:12I'll give you a little idea of what I think's coming next.
34:15Hey, I'm glad this is being recorded, because now I own this idea.
34:19LAUGHTER
34:22Er...
34:23So it's a man, right?
34:25This is the game.
34:25It's a man.
34:26And he stood there.
34:28Fuck all of them.
34:29Naked, like that, naked.
34:31Apart from the blindfold, like that.
34:33Blindfold.
34:34And in front of him, there's five women.
34:37Also naked, but all bent over.
34:40LAUGHTER
34:41Right?
34:42And the game is...
34:44Using his penis alone...
34:48He's got to guess...
34:50Which one...
34:51Is his...
34:53Mum.
34:58Hey!
34:59You'll have it on Series Link in about five years.
35:02Trust me, it's coming.
35:04Listen, thanks for being nice to me.
35:06Thanks for having me.
35:07I'll see you again.
35:10APPLAUSE
35:11Let it go!
35:13Down on the floor.
35:14Close the door.
35:16Hold the phone.
35:17Show me how.
35:18Don't be strong.
35:21Ladies and gentlemen, where are we at?
35:24Is his mum?
35:26Oh, my God!
35:28How was it? How was it?
35:29You smashed it?
35:30It was amazing.
35:30You smashed it?
35:31It was amazing, I'm just...
35:32It was amazing.
35:34Oh, God, I'm shitting it.
35:36I think it went all right.
35:36Do you think it'd go all right?
35:37You smashed it.
35:38Oh, my God.
35:39Look at that.
35:40You're shaking.
35:41Well, when you're up there, you just sort of try and sit in it.
35:43I'm shaking, fucking watching.
35:44Yeah, it's scary.
35:45But if you push through that and you do something that's that scary
35:50and you come out the other side, there's no better feeling.
35:53What's going on?
35:54What's going on?
35:54I'll be here.
35:55What a feeling.
35:57What a feeling.
35:58What a feeling.
35:59Well done.
36:01I'm so delighted for you and I'm also like, I've got to do this now.
36:04You've set the bar here.
36:06You can hit a spiral really quickly.
36:09I got laughs on looks and pause and timing and I just really enjoyed that.
36:15You were amazing.
36:16Honestly, you were so tough for you, pal.
36:19You were great.
36:20Wow.
36:21Can't we see that?
36:22Poor Ralph's got a corner.
36:23Look at that.
36:25And please welcome back to host and content, Susie McKay!
36:34Hey, hey!
36:36Listen, are we having a good night, folks?
36:40Right, Glasgow, I've got another newbie.
36:42Never done this before.
36:44Good luck.
36:45Do you enjoy it?
36:46Believe in yourself, you've got this.
36:48Yes.
36:48Please.
36:49Welcome to this stage.
36:51Mr. Ralph Wetzel!
37:01Good evening.
37:04So this is my first time doing this.
37:06Susie McKay, legend, just said.
37:08She was very clear when she was giving me some tips.
37:10She was like, no memory aids are allowed whatsoever.
37:12No notes, nothing written on your hand.
37:14But I like to do things my own way.
37:16So I've written, Susie can fuck right off.
37:20All you need to know about me is 20-odd years ago,
37:23I was in a very successful sitcom with Will Mellor,
37:26who was on earlier, who was my co-star.
37:29And back in the day, this woman recognised me.
37:31She got really, really excited.
37:32And she was like, oh, do you mind if I call my mate?
37:35I was like, yeah, sure.
37:36She called her mate, she was like,
37:36Joanne, Joanne, you won't believe who I'm stood next to.
37:39Oh, it's that lad from Two Pints.
37:42No, no, not the fit one.
37:44The other one.
37:47I'm the other one.
37:49That's all you need to know about me.
37:54I'm 45, got a little kids.
37:56And a lot of people are dads at my age.
37:59A lot of people are granddads at my age.
38:02In certain parts of Glasgow, a lot of people are great granddads.
38:05I don't know.
38:13I wasn't sure about that one thing.
38:14It fucked him up.
38:17Show of hands, any parents out there?
38:19Any parents?
38:20Oh, bless you.
38:21Look at that.
38:22It felt like a really good idea, didn't it, at the time?
38:24Hey.
38:24Oh, in the moment, carried away during sex.
38:26You're like, oh, yeah, great.
38:28Now you live with those consequences for the rest of your lives.
38:32Like the worst STD in the world, that's what a child is.
38:38It costs you a fucking fortune, make you anxious,
38:40and if you ever split up and have to meet someone new,
38:43you have to disclose it straight out of the gate.
38:45It's worse than herpes, that.
38:49Except, if you try and use pills to get rid of it,
38:51that's frowned upon.
39:00Not making any of this up.
39:02This is like fucking therapy.
39:03Thank you so much.
39:07When I was nine, I...
39:15My sister died when she was 14 because she fell off a cliff.
39:19It made me learn from an early age that you have to try and laugh through,
39:22sort of, anything.
39:24But I don't think generational trauma is necessarily a good foundation for fatherhood.
39:28But that said, my other sister, who survived, we call her the spare.
39:43We call her the spare.
39:44She has two kids and they're all right.
39:48My brother, he doesn't have that trauma because he was born a year after my sister fell.
39:55We call him the replacement.
40:01And he said to me, what was she like, Ralph? What was Kerry like?
40:08And I thought about it for a long time.
40:10And I was like...
40:14If I had to sum her up in one word, I'd say, um...
40:19Clumsy.
40:38So maybe, just maybe, I'm not the most suitable material to be a dad.
40:58How are you feeling?
41:00Fucking dead.
41:00Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Ralph Leto!
41:03You all right?
41:03Yeah, it was great.
41:05It was great.
41:05Well done.
41:06That was amazing.
41:07Fucking you're dark, mate.
41:09I told you!
41:10I told you all my shit was dark.
41:12I feel like I need to sleep for about ten days, but it's been amazing.
41:16How do you feel?
41:18Fantastic.
41:19Did you get three applause breaks?
41:21No.
41:22Three applause breaks?
41:23Right for your first ever five minutes?
41:25I'm so tough for you, pal.
41:26I'm so terrible.
41:28Thanks for all your help.
41:28It was so great.
41:29Lads, it was great fun.
41:31I don't know what's next.
41:32I just want to keep challenging myself and trying to get that feeling that I got tonight.
41:38It was just an unbelievable feeling.
41:41I question myself a lot.
41:43I'm always overthinking.
41:45And I want to try and stop that.
41:47I want to just accept that I'm all right.
41:50And I think doing things like this is good for me.
41:52I just want to be all right and just go, do a decent job.
41:56Pat yourself on the back and sleep well.
41:58Stop stressing.
42:02I've been so terrified about stand-up and yet I did it and it was great.
42:06And all of my worst fears didn't happen.
42:09Can you draw that same parallel with fatherhood?
42:12I get it.
42:18Filming this bit with Will, not just the stand-up but the, you know, the trapeze and just all the
42:26fear stuff.
42:30Been a lot.
42:34So, I don't know, if I could do stand-up which is legit the scariest thing I've ever done then
42:38maybe, maybe.
42:53What a song.
42:55Yeah?
42:55It's perfect.
42:57There's a voice that keeps on calling me.
43:01Down the road, that's where I'll always be.
43:06And every stop I make, I make a new friend.
43:10Can't stay for long, just turn around and I'm gone again.
43:15Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down.
43:19Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on.
43:24Down this road, that never seems to end.
43:28Where new adventure lies just around the bend.
43:33So, if you want to join me for a while.
43:37Just grab your hat, we'll travel like that's Hobo style.
43:41Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down.
43:46Until tomorrow.
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