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#Taylor Tomlinson #Prodigal Daughter #web Series #Movie #HD #Film #TV Series #Season3
Taylor Tomlinson takes her fans to church with hilarious confessions about dating in her 30s, her dream assistant and why she refuses to use AI.

Released: 2026-02-24
Genre: Comedy
Casts: Taylor Tomlinson,
Duration: 69 min
Country: United States of America
Production: N/A
Transcript
00:00:28You
00:00:34You
00:01:09Thank you for coming to this. You did not have to AI is getting pretty good
00:01:13It is getting way too good. I don't trust it. My iPhone started capitalizing the G and God again without
00:01:19asking me
00:01:20Did I have anyone else? Yeah, I don't know which update it was but all sudden my iPhone's like did
00:01:24you mean King of Kings?
00:01:27The robots are coming and they love the Lord
00:01:30Are you guys worried about the robots you concerned? Yeah, have you looked at the people in your life your
00:01:37friends your family and then back at yourself and gone
00:01:44I'm gonna be the one who falls in love with a robot
00:01:48Have you been honest with you? It's okay. It's gonna be me. That's why I don't use chat GPT. I'm
00:01:52not ready for a relationship
00:01:55And I'm holding strong now, but in a few years when robot partners are available at like Best Buy
00:02:00Yeah, it's gonna be me drunk at the dinner party defending my robot husband to all my friends like I'm
00:02:07sorry
00:02:08What if it is a soul you guys can you define it?
00:02:12That's what I thought also. I've met your lame-ass husband Chelsea. Don't try to tell me you don't plug
00:02:16his ass in at night
00:02:18Okay, okay? Oh, it's a CPAP machine. He'll die. Whatever his stories are long. Okay?
00:02:25Now show some respect. He's not an air fryer. He's the love of my life
00:02:29Look him in the eyes when you talk to him. His pronouns are not it that
00:02:34Yours are bitch bitch. How about they are different one is all caps
00:02:41I like the idea of a robot partner cuz I think I'm less likely to fuck that up. I
00:02:46Said less
00:02:48No, you're right
00:02:48I'll still find ways to be shitty and jealous of a robot partner. I'm like, why are you always by
00:02:52the dishwasher?
00:02:56Is her rack bigger than mine?
00:03:00Does she get wetter than me?
00:03:02Is it because she makes bubbles like I can make bubbles I'll get an infection, but if you need bubbles
00:03:07like
00:03:09I used to be a really toxic girlfriend. I've worked on it a lot in therapy over the years
00:03:13I was a nightmare in my 20s
00:03:14I was dating a guy once in my 20s and we were laying on the couch one night and we
00:03:18weren't fighting and I thought that was weird
00:03:20So I turned to him and I said hey, babe
00:03:25If you found out that we were cousins
00:03:29Would you break up with me and he goes
00:03:34Yes
00:03:37And I was like whoa fast
00:03:40No follow-up questions. You're just out like that. He goes it's a legal Taylor. I'm like store mushrooms and
00:03:47we did those
00:03:49Now you're this law-abiding citizen just cuz we're cousins
00:03:53He goes you're so wrong about this ask anyone we know
00:03:57So I texted the three happiest couples in my phone and I said hey if you two found out Eric
00:04:01cousins
00:04:01You didn't know when you met you haven't known this whole time you've been together
00:04:04You have the same relationship you've always had but whoops your cousins would you break up and they all wrote
00:04:10back?
00:04:10Do we have to tell anybody?
00:04:16And I showed him my phone and I said that's what love looks like
00:04:25Quick poll
00:04:29If you found out your partner was your cousin clap if you would break up with them
00:04:35Okay
00:04:36That's a lot of people no don't discuss fight in the car fight in the car
00:04:41Okay, now if you found out your partner was a robot clap if you would break up with them
00:04:49Oh interesting
00:04:51Bit of a drop-off over here
00:04:54Some of us clap for cousin and not for robot. Okay, so we're going to abandon our family
00:05:05Well, we'll keep fucking the toaster. Okay
00:05:08That makes sense
00:05:10I really was triggered by the capital G God in my phone because I have religious trauma anybody else have
00:05:15religious trauma?
00:05:19Thought you might if you don't know what religious trauma means it just means you grew up in church
00:05:23You're not religious anymore, but now anytime you feel good. You feel kind of bad about it
00:05:29Like have you ever had a dip in the middle of an orgasm like
00:05:35That dip is jesus
00:05:39Spraying you in the face with a water bottle
00:05:42That's why I don't say oh god during sex. He's like beetlejuice. He'll show up
00:05:49And to be clear i'm not an atheist. I just don't know what happens neither do you spoiler alert nobody
00:05:54knows
00:05:54I've never related to the certainty so many christians feel where they're like I just know
00:06:00You're like, but how do you know there's a god? I just know the only time i've ever just known
00:06:04something. It was that I had diarrhea
00:06:06That's the only time
00:06:08The only time i've ever been like
00:06:14And I did start praying
00:06:19But I resent both sides equally I hate it when people are like there's no god it's just darkness fuck
00:06:23you
00:06:24And I hate it when people are like there is a god and here's his address and he loves me
00:06:27best. I just hate confidence
00:06:28That's really what it is
00:06:30I cannot stand it when people are too confident. I have one very confident friend. That's it
00:06:35That's all I can handle in my life
00:06:37One friend so confident you know that hot girl in eighth grade who always came into class late with a
00:06:43frappuccino and you're like we get it
00:06:44Your mom had you on purpose
00:06:48She's like that
00:06:49So I can only see her every like six to eight months. We got lunch a couple months ago
00:06:56Our food comes to the table. She immediately sends her food back to the kitchen. Did you know you could
00:07:02do that outside of a film?
00:07:03She did that shit in real life. I go. Oh my god. What was wrong with it? She goes, uh,
00:07:07there was a hair in it
00:07:10One hair there would have to be a to pay on my lasagna
00:07:17And even then I'd be like i'm so sorry. I should have asked for this without to pay I
00:07:22No, I'm it's I understand it's a garnish. It's just sort of triggering in this political climate, but
00:07:29But I understand it looks very natural. Thank you chef. I'll pick around it pick around it
00:07:35I don't think i'm smarter than religious people
00:07:38I hate it when atheists talk down to anyone who believes in god. I've believed a lot of stupid shit
00:07:42in my life
00:07:43God's not even top three, okay
00:07:45I've believed tall guys
00:07:51He plays guitar he must be nice i'm dumb all right when my religious family members talk about god like
00:07:56god got me through the hardest years
00:07:58Of my life i'm like shit. That's how we talk about gilmore girls like i'm
00:08:04An idiot and I capitalize those g's I make sure every time
00:08:09That's right
00:08:11But I have a lot of christians in my life a lot of people praying for me which I try
00:08:15not to take personally
00:08:17You ever have someone say they're praying for you and you don't know what they're referring to
00:08:22They're like hey, I just want to let you know i'm praying for you what
00:08:27I'm not sick
00:08:30Oh, yeah, well i'm praying for you. What do you think about that bev?
00:08:34Heard you need it bitch
00:08:37She's like no god's just been putting you on my heart lately
00:08:40Well, tell god to scrape me off your heart because i'm doing awesome, okay?
00:08:43I don't know what you heard in the church parking lot, but that was a family matter bev
00:08:48I'm gonna tint the van windows
00:08:52I have a lot of cool christians in my life cool christians love to let you know they're cool
00:08:57They do they love to like swear in front of you
00:09:02They're like look I understand what you have doubts. I get it. I'll watch the news
00:09:09Shit is fucked up
00:09:15Then they look at you like they did a trick on a skateboard
00:09:23I have an uncle who's a pastor and he's a really cool guy. He's very humble down to earth
00:09:27He's not like one of these mega church douchebags who wears expensive sneakers and like writes a book with his
00:09:32face on it
00:09:32Every time I see a pastor on a book tour. I'm like hey, man. Weren't you already promoting a book
00:09:38like
00:09:42I don't I just
00:09:48How many bestsellers do you need joel
00:09:53My uncle's really cool. He's the only person in my life who understands what I do for work
00:09:56He and I have very similar jobs. We're both out here on the weekends changing lives
00:10:01No, he hates it when I say that he hates it so much
00:10:04I'm always trying to talk shop with them. I'm like hey, Jim. How was your early show?
00:10:09He's like, you know, it's first service taylor. I'm like, well, I just noticed you had a heckler on the
00:10:14late one
00:10:14He goes that person was yelling amen and hallelujah to agree
00:10:18I'm like that's the worst kind of heckler gym because they're being supportive, but they're still disrupting your flow, right?
00:10:24I go, you know, I donate 10% of what I make too. He's like to who I'm like my
00:10:28agent, but it's still a tithe
00:10:34I'm like, I'm kidding Jim. I know we don't do the same thing
00:10:37But think about this. I make them feel guilty saturday night. You save their ass sunday morning. I set them
00:10:43up
00:10:44You spiked the ball. You're welcome
00:10:47I helped
00:10:54But my uncle jim's like a great pastor. He's like very progressive. He gives really interesting sermons
00:10:59We didn't have a cool pastor like my uncle jim grown up. We had a basic ass pastor who stuck
00:11:03to three topics
00:11:05He had three messages. You are forgiven
00:11:07marriage is hard
00:11:10Merry christmas like those were the three
00:11:14I do feel for pastors on christmas and easter because those are big weeks at church, right? Those are recruitment
00:11:19weeks
00:11:21That's when everybody comes out of the woodwork. That's when the decaf christians swing by
00:11:26You only see those motherfuckers twice a year and you got to blow their minds so hard with the extras
00:11:31that they upgrade their subscription to weekly
00:11:33That's a lot of pressure
00:11:36And as the pastor on christmas and easter you can't get creative you can't get weird with it
00:11:41Can't do an acoustic set you got to play the hits
00:11:45You got to tell the stories right easter's a better story than christmas in my opinion
00:11:50If you don't know easter is the crucifixion and resurrection of jesus christ. It's where all of our merch is
00:11:55from you've seen it
00:11:58You've seen it dead guy up there but tasteful somehow very tasteful
00:12:03Makes you think about your own death like oh hope I die in a way that looks good on jewelry,
00:12:07right?
00:12:09Think about it when grandma died were you like ooh slap her on an anklet. No, he's really doing it
00:12:14up there
00:12:15I'll stop doing it. I'll stop doing it. We're all familiar
00:12:21But easter's a great story. There's a lot of action, right? It's crucifixion the resurrection
00:12:26It's jesus in his prime early 30s ripped
00:12:32We betrayed him we killed him he's back. It's basically twilight. It's a sexy
00:12:38Sexy story i'm kidding twilight belongs to the mormons. Don't take that from them. Okay
00:12:42They can't have caffeine. They need something to wake them up
00:12:46Christmas is not as good a story. It's just not the birth of jesus
00:12:49It starts off strong right an angel comes down from heaven tells mary
00:12:53I know you're a virgin, but you're pregnant with the son of god. Oh shit
00:12:57And then the angel has to go tell her boyfriend joseph because believe women wasn't really a thing back then
00:13:03So the angels like it's god in there
00:13:05I promise and then what then the angel leaves then it's just a long
00:13:09Walk to a barn that's most of christmas is just this right here jesus is barely in it
00:13:15He comes in right at the end. He does zero magic. It sucks
00:13:21Jesus is basically the post-credits scene in a marvel movie. It's trash
00:13:30Sucks
00:13:35I remember one year our pastor tried to spice up the christmas story. He came out he goes thought he
00:13:40found a new angle, right?
00:13:42He comes out he goes, you know
00:13:43We always kind of rush through the christmas story, don't we?
00:13:46Since we all know it so well
00:13:48But if you ever really stop to think
00:13:51about what this must have been like
00:13:54for mary
00:13:56and all the women were like
00:13:59And all the men were like no
00:14:04Which one's mary again? Oh, are you talking about the vessel you talking about the hole we put the lord
00:14:09in?
00:14:10You talking about the jesus jar?
00:14:14You talking about the christ cubby you talking about the savior sack
00:14:19You talking about the prophet pocket?
00:14:22We could keep going but we have to move on but that's a fun game to play to come down
00:14:26from the cousin
00:14:27fight if you want
00:14:31That mary pov sermon went over so well for him that he came out the next year all excited like
00:14:36last year
00:14:36We talked about what it must have been like for mary to find out she was pregnant with jesus
00:14:40But have you ever stopped to think about what this must have been like
00:14:45for joseph and all the men were like finally
00:14:49representation i also think whores are lying to me
00:14:56Joseph was mary's betrothed at the time again
00:14:58I don't assume everybody knows all the bible stories you grew up in church
00:15:02You're like everybody's learning these nope some kids were having childhoods on their bikes
00:15:08Is there anyone in here who never went to church has never believed in god never been religious at all
00:15:13Wow all in the back that checks out that checks out
00:15:18Well, you sound very at peace you sound so relaxed, but how do you not how do you know right
00:15:23from wrong?
00:15:23How do you not kill people?
00:15:25How do you some christians talk like that?
00:15:27My dad growing up was like, you know if I weren't a christian i'd be in jail and i'm like
00:15:32whoa i'm six
00:15:35Let's do a good night moon tomorrow instead of dad's dark thoughts that was
00:15:40Some christians walk around like yeah, if sky dad didn't have me on house arrest
00:15:44There'd be some mud on my boots and you're like cool. Let's only hang out in groups
00:15:50But if you didn't grow up in church you might not know a lot of bible stories might not know
00:15:54any bible stories
00:15:54I won't put you on the spot. Don't worry. I used to learn my lesson one time
00:15:57I asked someone and they panicked and went veggie tales
00:16:04Which hey close enough, but it did make me laugh real hard just who betrayed jesus bob the tomato
00:16:12I remember he bounced in like you're gonna die jesus
00:16:18I'm kidding. They didn't do it. No, they didn't do they didn't do the crucifixion on veggie tales. They wouldn't
00:16:23do that
00:16:24That's that's crazy. That's way too dark. Also no arms. So who's gonna you know?
00:16:30Who's gonna do the finale
00:16:33What are they gonna do put baby carrots on larry? That's insane. We can't do that
00:16:40I assume even if you didn't grow up religious, you'd know like noah's ark most people know that one
00:16:45That's our big one hits on the cover of all of our coloring books
00:16:49Yeah, it really is a testament to how fucked up
00:16:53The bible is that we read noah's ark and we're like that's the kid's story
00:17:01That story is dark as hell
00:17:03It's about god drowning all his kids because they were being annoying and we're like yeah
00:17:08That should be the mural in the nursery
00:17:12Come here little buddy. These are the animals he didn't drown. Oh
00:17:17What a lucky horsey
00:17:20That got to go on the boat with one friend
00:17:27It's the rainbow that I think they think the rainbow saves it god sent noah who probably had some trust
00:17:32issues at that point
00:17:34The rainbow has a promise to never flood the earth again, which I think is the darkest part of the
00:17:39story
00:17:40Rainbow after a destructive flood
00:17:42I mean that's like buying someone a ring after you push them down the stairs. That's crazy
00:17:46Every time I see a rainbow. I don't think of gay rights. I don't even think of rain. I just
00:17:50think of god going I mean
00:17:52I didn't kill everybody
00:18:07Some people don't even realize noah's ark's from the bible
00:18:10I've asked people. Oh, do you know any bible stories? They go not one. I go, what about noah? They're
00:18:14like, well, I know that one
00:18:14Like that's how much
00:18:17Bible stories have like infiltrated pop culture. I have a friend who said they knew prodigal son
00:18:22And I go, oh, you know the story and they're like, oh, no, I just think there was like a
00:18:25show or something
00:18:26I'm i've heard the term right if you don't know the story of the prodigal son
00:18:30It's a story that jesus
00:18:32Teaches it tells in the bible to teach a lesson, right?
00:18:35So in the story
00:18:36There's a rich dad and he's got two sons and the older son does everything right because he's the oldest
00:18:41and the younger son is like
00:18:42I want my money now
00:18:45And the dad's like, okay, that's not how inheritance works. I'm fully alive, but here you go
00:18:49So he gives the younger son his money then this piece of shit bucks right off
00:18:54Did I mention I'm the oldest of four this piece of shit?
00:18:57Bucks right off and how do they put it squanders his wealth on wild living which is bible for blows
00:19:03it all on bitcoin and lap dances
00:19:07He then has the audacity to come back years later like sorry dad
00:19:13I just lost all your money. I suck
00:19:15Can I come back and the older son was probably like yeah finally finish him
00:19:21And the dad goes my baby's home
00:19:26Oh my god, let's throw him a big party. I know all the oldest kids in here. We all have
00:19:30diarrhea right now
00:19:31I know every oldest kid in here your asshole went all the way inside your body. You're so upset
00:19:37Just remember these are people from the bible. They can't hurt you. They've been dead a long time. Okay
00:19:41We're almost done. So the older son is obviously pissed. He's like dad
00:19:46I've done everything right my whole life and you've never even thrown me a small party. Look it up. He
00:19:50says that
00:19:52And the dad is like yeah, you're great
00:19:56Love you
00:19:58But your brother
00:20:00He was lost and now he's found
00:20:04So we celebrate and if you ask a pastor what that story is about
00:20:08They will tell you that it's about how you can go off and live in sin and lose your way
00:20:11spiritually
00:20:12But you can always return to the lord and he'll forgive you and if you ask me what that story
00:20:17is about
00:20:18I will tell you that it is about how jesus was an only child
00:20:33But because I grew up in church I see bible stories everywhere right like here's some fun ones
00:20:38What about the 200 foreskin story? Do you know that one? Yeah, that's a deep cut so
00:20:45In the bible david wanted to marry saul's daughter and saul's like you can marry my daughter if you bring
00:20:49me back
00:20:50The foreskins of a hundred of my enemies which like whoa scorpio am I right?
00:20:55Who has a hundred enemies and is thinking about their foreskins like someone was born in deep november
00:21:02So saul's like get me a hundred foreskins then we'll talk so david goes out comes back with
00:21:07200 foreskins and that's where the phrase if he wanted to he would ladies comes from
00:21:16That's not from tick tock that's from the bible
00:21:20What about uh what about job have we heard of job job got some job heads in the house
00:21:26Job was this guy in the bible. He loved god so much one day god and satan are talking
00:21:30They don't really get into why they're talking but you know sometimes you call your ex and everyone's like what
00:21:34are you doing?
00:21:35Right so god and satan are kicking it for some reason and satan goes hey god
00:21:40I noticed that job loves you a lot and god's like yeah
00:21:45And satan's like well I bet he wouldn't love you as much if I fucked with him enough and god's
00:21:50like
00:21:51Okay i'm bored let's see what you got so satan goes out and he ruins job's life
00:21:57But job never forsakes god and that is what how to lose a guy in 10 days is based off
00:22:04of
00:22:08Matthew mcconaughey is job
00:22:11Kate hudson is satan
00:22:18Is there anyone in here who grew up religious but is not religious anymore
00:22:25You're at the right show
00:22:27All right of those people who saved people who spread the good news while they were religious
00:22:32Ooh bit of a drop off there that's tough a lot of us didn't do the homework
00:22:37You save people while you're religious but you're not religious anymore
00:22:40Okay
00:22:41Do you ever feel serious question do you ever feel like maybe you should like call those people
00:22:49Just a courtesy call like hey remember what I told you about forever
00:22:53I don't know
00:22:53What if those people get up to heaven and they're like look your sponsor's not in there so
00:22:59We didn't know you were coming i don't know are you sure maybe they holy ghosted you
00:23:04We're sorry for real though you got to go to hell we're sorry about that
00:23:08I never saved anybody at all i was talking to someone who grew up mormon i was like well
00:23:13You guys were really saving people and he was like oh yeah baptism for the dead you guys know what
00:23:17that is
00:23:17I didn't know apparently in mormonism sometimes they will save people
00:23:21After they've died which really takes the pressure off of saving live people doesn't it when you can just go
00:23:28hey
00:23:29Do you believe in god and they're like no and you're like that's okay we'll wait
00:23:36And then as soon as they're dead you're like bibbity-boppity mormon
00:23:45This is how you get a soul to heaven right like you're trying to get poop smell out of your
00:23:49hinge dates bathroom
00:23:52If you're not laughing you're married and fuck you this joke's not for you
00:23:56Enjoy shitting with the door open some of us have to carry matches everywhere
00:24:03My biggest issue with church wasn't that they wanted us to save people it's that they wouldn't let you make
00:24:08a good point
00:24:09Right anytime you were growing up in church you were like we have to admit it was pretty messed up
00:24:14when god did this in the bible
00:24:15They'd be like well that was the old testament you know that was that was before god stopped drinking like
00:24:20that was a different guy
00:24:21Yeah, he's kind of a fuck boy back there and then he had a kid and he's like i'm different
00:24:25now, you know, he's like
00:24:26He's like i was in a fraternity of course. I was drowning people like it's people change
00:24:33Anytime you had an unanswerable question at church. They always said the same thing they'd go that's a great question
00:24:39And we can ask god that when we get to heaven
00:24:44Which like if you were god how pissed would you be that they were sending people up to heaven like
00:24:51that with a bunch of questions for you
00:24:52You're god you made everything and everyone you probably just want to do the
00:24:56Ta-da heaven part and now every time someone dies you have to do a
00:25:01press conference
00:25:03Every time someone dies you're like hey welcome to heaven they're like okay
00:25:07But first god when a kid dies right and they didn't say the prayer and they didn't get saved
00:25:10That's an automatic heaven right god you wouldn't send a kid to hell right god right god right god right
00:25:13god right god
00:25:14and god's like
00:25:23Seriously dude you're in heaven bitch do you go to disneyland like hope all the workers get benefits like shut
00:25:29up
00:25:32You are a killjoy
00:25:35Yes, the kids are in heaven. We muted the kids so we could all enjoy heaven, but yes
00:25:45That's a dark one. I know that's a dark one
00:25:47I have a dark sense of humor partially because I grew up in church church is a dark place every
00:25:52sunday
00:25:52You go to a big room where the underlying message is won't it be great when we all get to
00:25:56be dead with daddy. That's church
00:25:59Can't wait to be dead with the dada. That's church
00:26:03But I can't blame church entirely I also I had a parent die really young
00:26:07So my siblings and I all have really dark senses of humor
00:26:10Right like I was talking to my younger sibling bryn recently because you know you and your siblings all remember
00:26:14Different parts of your childhood so sometimes you get together and you're like all right
00:26:18Here's what I remember. What have you got? Okay, let's put this all out on the table and figure out
00:26:23what the fuck happened to us back there
00:26:26So we're having a puzzle day at home
00:26:30And I said do you remember that hospice grief support group we got sent to for kids
00:26:35Whose parents had died of cancer and bryn goes oh, yeah, do you remember how not everybody's parents were dead
00:26:41yet?
00:26:43Yes, some of them still had active i'm just saying feels like they could have put us in different rooms,
00:26:49right?
00:26:50Maybe do a shirts and skins
00:26:52Situation but no they were like christmas present christmas future discuss
00:27:00Something's coming around the mountain. You know what it is
00:27:07That's not what I remembered about the group what I remembered about the group is there was one kid in
00:27:11there whose parent hadn't died his uncle had died
00:27:14And um look
00:27:19I don't want to be a bitch
00:27:22But like our mom was dead
00:27:25And it just kind of feels like
00:27:34Paper covers uncle you know what I mean like
00:27:37I'm just saying like this kid had parents. He wasn't spider-man like
00:27:41Some losses affect who you are for the rest of your life and some are your uncle like what are
00:27:46we
00:27:48I do think when you have a parent die young you tend to think about death a lot more than
00:27:51other people
00:27:52I certainly do I tend to jump to the worst possible scenario. I
00:27:57Catastrophize constantly uh much the detriment of many of my relationships
00:28:01I was dating a guy once and I said hey babe when you don't hear back from me for a
00:28:05few hours
00:28:06Do you ever get scared that something bad might have happened to me and he goes no
00:28:12I get scared you're mad at me
00:28:17Men would rather you be dead than mad at them men would rather be in mourning than in trouble. That's
00:28:24the truth
00:28:25If a guy misses five calls from his wife, he's like oh, I hope this is the paramedic who found
00:28:30her
00:28:35I also wish that joke didn't work
00:28:40You know what's so funny to me about men who kill their wives
00:28:44What well, just wait
00:28:46What's so funny to me about men who kill their wives is like they think they're gonna get away with
00:28:50it and it's like dude
00:28:52You've never planned a goddamn thing
00:28:58In your whole life
00:29:01You've never made a dinner reservation and now you're gonna hide a body
00:29:09This is quite the maiden voyage for event planning dude
00:29:13Maybe start with a potluck
00:29:18I do think I've spent a lot of my life being really scared of death
00:29:21You know anytime I wasn't actively yearning for it, of course
00:29:25Oh good some depression in the room. Thank God
00:29:27I did that joke in Sweden. They just stared at me. They were like, huh sad for no reason, but
00:29:33how they didn't get
00:29:36A lot of this hour Europe didn't get they were like god we have health care they give you god
00:29:41instead of health care
00:29:43That doesn't seem like the same thing
00:29:47If you have depression you have a pretty complicated relationship with death
00:29:51You sort of look at death like it's the phantom of the opera
00:29:54Most of the time you're like oh that's scary
00:29:56But then sometimes you're like I mean that side of his face is kind of hot
00:30:03Hear me out I could live underground I don't know
00:30:11I've been trying to face my fear of death head-on this past year
00:30:14I wrote a will because a lot of my friends were getting married and I was like I want to
00:30:18sign a scary document
00:30:21I learned so much if you don't have a will you gotta write one with a professional that panicked note
00:30:26You write on your phone during turbulence that will not hold up in court. They taught me that
00:30:30I thought for sure that was fine. Nope. Here's what I learned. I did not know this if you die
00:30:35unexpectedly
00:30:35Your closest living relatives are your parents not your siblings, which is what I thought because I'm dumb
00:30:41So if you die unexpectedly your parents will inherit everything you own
00:30:45Unless you disinherit them in writing like the petty bitch you are right
00:30:51And I know some of you are sitting there right now going well whatever I don't have a good relationship
00:30:55with my parents taylor
00:30:56But I don't really have anything for them to inherit. Do you have a tv?
00:31:03Do you think your shitty dad deserves an extra tv?
00:31:11Do you think your death should feel like winning the prices right for him? Fuck that call a lawyer
00:31:27But I had to make a lot of decisions when I wrote my will
00:31:30I had to choose who was gonna pull the plug if I'm in a coma
00:31:33So I picked my sibling brin because they are gonna inherit my money if I die and I was like
00:31:37earn it dude, right?
00:31:40I go you decide when that money drops
00:31:43And they were like, okay, well if you're in a coma not responding to anything
00:31:46What do you what do you want me to do? How long do you want me to wait?
00:31:48And I was like here's what I want you to do. I want you to start parks and rec from
00:31:52the beginning
00:31:54And I want you to keep it playing all day all night in my hospital room
00:31:58If we get to the end of that show and I have not woken up yet
00:32:04start the office
00:32:07And then when steve carell leaves just kill me don't
00:32:11Do not make me watch andy be manager. Don't do that to me again
00:32:18Don't do that
00:32:24I had to decide what I want to happen to my remains when I'm gone
00:32:27Have you guys decided what you want to happen to your bodies when you're gone? Yeah? Well, what are we
00:32:31gonna do?
00:32:33Well a tree pod. Yeah, that's nice. I like that you say tree pod because every once in a while
00:32:37you get a girl who's like
00:32:38I'm gonna be a tree and you have to explain to her like oh, sweetie, you don't get to be
00:32:42the tree
00:32:44You're tree food. You're helping the tree. You're sort of like a pageant mom to the tree like go baby
00:32:48go
00:32:50Be what I cannot right
00:32:52Tree pods great. What else we got
00:32:55Someone said what
00:32:58Donating to science what what part of science what area of science are we thinking?
00:33:03Oh, okay, you have a medical school picked out but not like a specific area of science not like keep
00:33:08it all above the net
00:33:09I'm just saying do we trust a bunch of college kids
00:33:15With our dead bodies do we feel like here's a dead mess of holes you decide what science is i'm
00:33:21not sure about that
00:33:22I just leave a specific instructions. That's my only thing is anyone getting cremated
00:33:27Yeah, okay. I hope you have a plan for where you want those ashes spread because sometimes people go
00:33:33I don't know and it's like you are gonna end up somewhere weird
00:33:36If you don't your ashes are gonna end up in like the cup holder in your driver's side door
00:33:42You know that weird one where every six months you're like was that an oat milk latte once like that's
00:33:47the best answer
00:33:48I got recently a guy yelled out viking funeral
00:33:53Yeah, some guy in the crowd just yelled out viking funeral and I was like, okay
00:33:57I mean, that's cool if you want that, but I hope you have a niece or nephew that you're sending
00:34:01to summer camp that can make that shot
00:34:04because
00:34:05That's a hard shot to make the boat gets smaller and smaller the further away it gets and if they
00:34:10miss that's not a viking funeral anymore
00:34:12That's just a dead guy in a boat
00:34:16And that is not as festive is it that's stand by me too
00:34:23I'd like to be cremated personally because I like that you can inconvenience your family after you're gone
00:34:28That's fun for me because who's gonna say no to taking your ashes home first off like oh
00:34:34I couldn't possibly there's no there's no room at my house. We're we're full up on haunted cups like
00:34:41Nice try. Take me home. I'm so small right
00:34:44And then if you want your family to spread you somewhere depending on how you feel about your family
00:34:48That's where you send them right?
00:34:50So if you love your family you're like i'd like you to spread me in hawaii over seven days of
00:34:55pto. That's what i'd like
00:34:57Love you guys miss you and then if you don't like your family you can be like have you been
00:35:01to toledo
00:35:10In january
00:35:12Actually, no no, I want you to do it right between christmas and new year's
00:35:19My mom was cremated and after my mom died my dad got remarried and when my dad got remarried
00:35:25He gave my mom's ashes to my grandma because returned to sender. I guess
00:35:31You're right. I am so sorry return to manufacturer. That's what it is
00:35:36And his reasoning was he was like look i'm getting remarried and I just I can't take these into another
00:35:41woman's home
00:35:42And as his daughter, I was like, yes, you can
00:35:46But as an adult woman now i'm like, oh, no, you can't
00:35:50I've dated straight men. I don't like it when they follow their exes on instagram
00:35:54You're telling me if he brought a little baggie of her bones inside
00:35:58And was like this lives under the tv forever i'd be like cool love that there
00:36:03No, i'd be passive-aggressive at best. I'll probably flush a teaspoon of her every day
00:36:29Just
00:36:29Until one day he picked it up and was like the urn feels lighter i'm like maybe she lost weight
00:36:34Don't not you body shaming the urn, babe
00:36:38You know, what's funny about that joke. I don't even really feel that way anymore
00:36:41I think a younger version of me felt that way when you're single in your 30s. You don't care about
00:36:46so much
00:36:47You kind of just want someone who's not gonna bug you
00:36:50That's really in my 20s. I was so insecure so toxic. I was like I need to be someone's first
00:36:54and only true love
00:36:55They're one and only wife. I need to be with someone who does not watch pornography
00:36:59And now i'm like you can jerk off to your dead wife if you want. I don't care
00:37:04You want to put her bones under the tv is the tv playing my show then that's great
00:37:11You put as many bitches up there as you want we'll watch love is blind as a family
00:37:23I told my buddy dustin that and he goes what if you married a guy who was still in love
00:37:27with his dead wife
00:37:29And I was like she's not coming back. What do I?
00:37:32That's his thing to deal with you know lock yourself in the bathroom smell her shirts cry it out
00:37:37But we're going to Chili's at five
00:37:41And the coupons for two not three so
00:37:45Get it all out of your system, babe hell jerk off into the urn if you want hey when life
00:37:51gives you lemons make cement or whatever
00:37:55It's romantic she can swallow one last time
00:38:08Shame on you for laughing at that
00:38:14I do think my fear of death has propelled me professionally
00:38:19It's made me sort of a workaholic probably I was doing two full-time jobs for the last couple of
00:38:24years
00:38:24I was touring doing stand-up on the weekends and then I was hosting a late night show called after
00:38:28midnight during the week
00:38:32Thank you that's very nice
00:38:35Great experience learned so much worked with great people
00:38:38I had an assistant on set which I initially did not want it is a slippery slope having someone whose
00:38:43whole job is to fetch you snacks
00:38:45Okay, because day one you're like could I borrow a phone charger next thing?
00:38:48You know, you're like could I just grab a LaCroix before you know it you're like
00:38:50Could you just hold both my hands until I fall asleep?
00:38:55My assistant's name was molly molly was incredible molly was so good at her job
00:38:59I'm definitely gonna die alone now because the standard of care in relationships is now molly all right
00:39:06Here's how good molly was at her job my first day on the paramount lot
00:39:09I drive under the lot I park in a reserve parking spot for me
00:39:12And there's a big bush that's sort of growing in to the driver's side door right nothing crazy just enough
00:39:17to make it kind of hard to like
00:39:18Shimmy out right there's a few bees buzzing around
00:39:20So I kind of did one of those before I was like hey nice to meet you molly that's all
00:39:24that happened
00:39:25I didn't complain about the bush
00:39:27I didn't report the bush to anyone molly just witnessed the bush touch me a little
00:39:34I drive under the lot the next day
00:39:37Park in my spot and the bush was gone
00:39:42And I went molly did you have them cut down this bush and she goes yep and I had them
00:39:49spray for bees
00:39:54And I went okay
00:39:57No one fuck with molly
00:40:00She had that bush whacked literally I I couldn't talk casual shit around her
00:40:05I didn't know what she would do
00:40:08I couldn't come in on a tuesday like dave's kind of bugging me today because I'd come in wednesday like
00:40:12hey
00:40:14Where's dave?
00:40:16He's with the bees taylor
00:40:28You flinched in his presence so I took care of it
00:40:33It's my first time I'd ever had a corporate job so I got hr training i've never had that before
00:40:37there's no hr in stand-up comedy
00:40:39It's the opposite in fact they're like are you harassing people great job start a podcast
00:40:45It was fun that hr training I learned a lot did you know we're allowed to fuck people at work
00:40:49did you know that?
00:40:50well people from work you got to take them somewhere else but
00:40:54I thought everyone at work was off limits romantically now according to jill from hr
00:40:59She's like no you can date you just have to tell us if you are and I go oh because
00:41:03then you'll tell her like higher up bosses
00:41:04And then now she goes no you just have to tell us and I was like
00:41:08Who are these sick little freaks in hr?
00:41:11Who are like no you can fuck each other you just have to tell us everything
00:41:16Was it good do you have photos for the powerpoint?
00:41:19That powerpoint was fun the one where they go through all the different scenarios ask you is this appropriate or
00:41:23inappropriate spoiler alert
00:41:25They're all inappropriate I didn't know that I thought they were supposed to inspire conversation and debate
00:41:29No, they're all a pretty clear thumbs down if you know what you're doing
00:41:32I had my own private hr training probably because they knew I was the weakest link on set
00:41:37So they did it during my hair and makeup
00:41:39So it was me deb and havana who did my hair and makeup for the show jill is going through
00:41:42all the different scenarios, right?
00:41:43She goes all right scenario number one kyle tells sharon on her birthday doesn't matter how old you get
00:41:49I would still be down any wingsetter is that appropriate and we were like do you have a picture of
00:41:57kyle?
00:42:04Is it the next slide how tall is kyle what's he smell like what's he working with how old sharon
00:42:09is she ovulating?
00:42:10We don't have enough information
00:42:12To answer the prompts chill
00:42:16My favorite thing about being on a network tv show is that they would bleep all the bad words and
00:42:21cut some of the more raunchy stuff
00:42:22Which means that my religious grandparents could watch the show and it wouldn't hurt their ears as much as my
00:42:27stand-up does
00:42:29Not to say that my grandparents aren't supportive. They really are
00:42:32I think that they're doing a really good job trying to understand where their liberal agnostic grandkids are coming from
00:42:39I can't stand it when people are too hard on their grandparents if your grandparents are trying to
00:42:44Understand you you got to give them some grace if they mess up here in their terms wise when people
00:42:49are like
00:42:49Well, my grandma cannot remember my pronouns. I'm like does your grandma remember her address?
00:42:55Grandma's got bigger fish to fry the light is coming. Also, do you know how old your grandma is?
00:43:00I don't mine's been 62 for 40 years
00:43:04Also, you're taking more pictures of your grandparents than you ever have before and they've got to know why and
00:43:10that can't feel good
00:43:20My grandparents are the best example I have in my life of christianity done right they're very loving forgiving
00:43:26Non-judgmental people, but my siblings and I are all agnostic because we didn't grow up with that type of
00:43:31christianity
00:43:31We grew up in our scary christian house and when you grow up with something that hurts you as a
00:43:35kid
00:43:35You don't really want it in your barbie dream house as a grown-up, right?
00:43:39I also don't wear belts or use wooden spoons. That's not a coincidence. Okay. Oh, thank god. We were all
00:43:45lightly abused. I
00:43:47Again did that joke in sweden thought they were gonna call somebody it was
00:43:52I there's nothing worse than admitting to a room full of people that you got hit when they got tucked
00:43:57in at night. It is humiliating
00:44:01No, I don't keep anything in my house that hurt me as a kid no bibles no belts no bridge
00:44:05to terabithia
00:44:14I'm hoping the author sees this and writes me a personalized apology
00:44:21I do think that when you
00:44:23Grow up in a scary religious environment. You spend a lot of your young adulthood
00:44:29Untangling who you are from who they wanted you to be like I just came out as queer in the
00:44:34last couple of years
00:44:36Thank you
00:44:40That's really nice of you because let me tell you coming out as bisexual at 30 feels like saying to
00:44:45a waiter by the way, it's my birthday
00:44:50They're like cool sing to yourself. You're a grown woman, so
00:44:53You're like, excuse me. I was very brave. I just came out. They're like, yeah, but the coast was clear
00:44:57wasn't it, babe?
00:45:00I would have come out sooner, but I have three younger siblings and they're all queer and they kept coming
00:45:04out
00:45:04They just kept popping out like little groundhogs and every time another one popped out. I was like, well, that's
00:45:10six more months of heterosexuality for me
00:45:12I guess I
00:45:15I was also hesitant to come out as bisexual because there's a stigma around it, right?
00:45:18When you say you're bisexual a lot of people assume that you are
00:45:21Good at sex and I'm not guys and I refuse to get better
00:45:26All right, I'm not learning any more tricks. Okay, I turned 30. I was like shut it down
00:45:33As jesus said it is finished
00:45:36I'm hitting save progress i'm gonna die on this level
00:45:41But I didn't want to tarnish the brand of bisexuality. I didn't want to bring down the team
00:45:46I have so many queer friends who are so
00:45:48Open and free with their sexualities. It's like oh, it's so fun. I have so many like samanthas in my
00:45:54friend group
00:45:55And they're so fun and inspiring
00:45:57But I also think we need some gay prude representation as well
00:46:01I think we need more gay prudes to stand up and go I too am bisexual. I'm attracted to all
00:46:07of you and I trust no one
00:46:17I
00:46:17I would but I will not
00:46:20It's also scary to say you're bisexual for the same reason it's scary to say you're suicidal
00:46:24There's always gonna be people who are like if you don't go all the way you just want attention
00:46:35You know who likes that joke queer people queer people get that joke straight people are like oh my god,
00:46:40there was so many sad words
00:46:43I
00:46:44Which is fair you're right
00:46:46No offense straight guys
00:46:47I have to say I am so glad that straight men are not my only option anymore. That was bleak
00:46:52That was tough and it's not because you're bad people. You're just so hard to communicate with I mean
00:46:57And I tried I've been to couples therapy with a lot of dudes never been married. That's embarrassing
00:47:04You know how embarrassing it is to break up with someone you've been to couples therapy with you
00:47:08Just have to live the rest of your life with all this useless information about some dude's childhood
00:47:13You're like cool. Guess i'll just go the rest of my days knowing what triggers michael. That sucks
00:47:21I also couldn't get on the same page with a lot of my boyfriends
00:47:24About our future like I used to only want to adopt if I was gonna have kids and every straight
00:47:29guy ever dated was like
00:47:31No, it's gonna look like me or i'll eat it every guy
00:47:34Which hey i've never been a father. Maybe that's true, right?
00:47:38I had one boyfriend who said he would use a surrogate
00:47:41He was open to that idea which I do love the idea of a surrogate what a power move to
00:47:45be like can you just hold this for nine months?
00:47:47I'm so busy. I'm getting a call don't eat fish
00:47:51You breeze back in nine months later their guts are everywhere you have a blowout. You're like, thank you so
00:47:56much. Thank you
00:47:59Hey, hey, you're glowing you're brave money's on the night stand five stars. Bye
00:48:11You're like that was a lot i'm gonna do no contact delivery next time
00:48:15I mean, yeah, no you're the right place. Just leave it on the porch take a picture. I'll come get
00:48:20it when you're gone
00:48:22No, you're at the right house. I just look if I was an extrovert. I would have had it myself
00:48:25so
00:48:28I'm not sure if I want kids now
00:48:29I go back and forth on whether or not I want kids so often that sometimes I just want to
00:48:34get my tubes tied because that feels like the
00:48:36Reproductive equivalent of pouring water on brownies in the trash
00:48:48You know when you're like i'm gonna want these later
00:48:53But i'm thinking straight now
00:48:57So i'm gonna remove the option if you're not laughing congrats on having a healthy relationship with food your whole
00:49:02life
00:49:06Do we have any moms in here that wouldn't mind oh good you're like yes, I am
00:49:10I love that that wouldn't mind me asking them personal questions about childbirth love it
00:49:14Put your hands still up love that
00:49:15Uh moms are so cool. They're always like yeah sure i'm an open book literally they cracked my spine on
00:49:21the way out so
00:49:22I would love to share
00:49:24Uh, okay. How many kids do you have?
00:49:26Two? Nice. How old are they?
00:49:2916 and 18. Oh, thank god. They're like full people when people when people have babies. I just I freeze
00:49:34up. I'm like, oh, is it water?
00:49:36Oh
00:49:37Has it opened its eyes or
00:49:41Has it dried out? They come out pretty slick, right? Yeah
00:49:44Got a grip on it
00:49:46Okay, okay. You got teenagers. Did you have your kids up the main terminal?
00:49:51Yeah, that was a classy way of putting it
00:49:54Okay, so i've talked to a lot of women on this tour who have told me because i'm very scared
00:49:58of childbirth
00:49:59Which makes sense? I grew up in church where not even abstinence could protect you fully, right?
00:50:07They told you the story of mary they're like yeah, no keep your knees closed hope god doesn't pick you
00:50:13like it
00:50:15It adds a whole other layer of fear to childbirth childbirth is already terrifying. What if it's breach? What if
00:50:23it's sick?
00:50:23What if it's god?
00:50:26So i'm very scared of childbirth and i've talked to a lot of moms on this tour who have told
00:50:30me that when you're pushing
00:50:32A lot of times your body's like we know what you're looking for
00:50:37Coming right up ding ding ding and at some point during the process in addition to a baby you may
00:50:43also push it
00:50:44Did you did you poop? Yeah, thank you for being honest. Thank you so much. Here's what i've learned asking
00:50:49that question for the last couple years
00:50:51Uh, there's only two correct answers to did you poop during childbirth? Yes, I did and I do not recall
00:50:58Yes, I did or none of my business
00:51:02Because some moms talk about childbirth like it's a music festival they went to once they're like uh, I was
00:51:07on a lot of drugs
00:51:09I think your dad was there. I don't know all I remember is I kept yelling play my song bitch
00:51:16And they made me leave before I was ready
00:51:22The first time I ever asked someone I was at a comedy club in dallas texas there was a woman
00:51:26in the front row
00:51:27She goes three kids never pooped and there was a table of nurses nearby
00:51:32Who were wasted you guys who started scream laughing at her?
00:51:38Everybody poops every single person and if you think you didn't then we fucking lied to you
00:51:52And I had to watch this whole woman's world change
00:51:56It was like the truman show. I felt so bad. I was trying to save the vibe in there
00:52:00I was like hey, babe, don't feel bad even if I you know airlift mine out i'm gonna poop on
00:52:04that table just to show him who's boss
00:52:06right
00:52:12To be clear when I say that I came out in the last couple of years I just mean publicly
00:52:16right like I came out to friends
00:52:18Earlier than that, but I don't think I did it right. I think I was too casual about it
00:52:22I think I was supposed to do like an episode of glee
00:52:25And I just sort of mentioned it like oh, by the way, I think I'm gonna date women now too
00:52:29And they were like, okay, like I said, I was vegan or something like okay. We'll see how long that
00:52:34lasts
00:52:35You need iron bitch like they were not
00:52:38They really accepted it once I had my first girlfriend. I started dating this girl who was so hot. I
00:52:43was like, oh my god
00:52:45Am I Pete Davidson?
00:52:53How tall am I?
00:52:56And when I started dating women, it was the closest I'd come to feeling religious in a long time because
00:53:00my friends would complain about their boyfriends and husbands
00:53:03And I was like have you heard the good news?
00:53:08You don't have to live like this
00:53:11There's a better way
00:53:15Then once I had a girlfriend then my friends started coming to me with a lot of their questions
00:53:19They started coming to me with their millennial regrets. Do we have any Gen Z in here tonight?
00:53:24Oh my god
00:53:26Shut up. Really? Okay. Everyone be cool in front of my new friends. All right
00:53:30Now Gen Z you won't really get this because you guys are very good at exploring your identities and sexualities
00:53:35You want to know who you are and what you're capable of and what you have to understand about us
00:53:38millennials is we wake up every day and look in the mirror like
00:53:45Don't feel joy outside
00:53:49You'll upset mama and papa
00:53:53Just wait be free in death wait
00:53:56Those are our morning affirmations
00:53:58So we're dealing with a lot we're repressing a lot so I had a lot of female friends in their
00:54:0330s and 40s
00:54:04Who were like I wish I had dated women, but you know, they ended up with a man and they
00:54:08were happy
00:54:09But they're like I wish I had done that and so they were asking me a lot of personal questions
00:54:13Like is it better having sex with women?
00:54:15And I was like do you really want me to tell you because you said you're pretty locked in with
00:54:18that guy
00:54:21And they're like no like is it really is it really different and I was like yeah
00:54:26And they're like well, how?
00:54:30So here's here's what I said. I think the biggest difference between having sex with men and women
00:54:37Is when you're having sex with a woman
00:54:40You're there the whole time
00:54:45You know
00:54:48Because you know how with a man you can kind of just like
00:54:55Not in a traumatic way just in like a oh, I'm in the back seat on a road trip forgot
00:55:00my headphones. Let's look at clouds
00:55:12Huh I did I did yeah absolutely
00:55:16Yes, oh my god. Yes a big one a huge big quiet, but big just
00:55:23Silent but deadly I love those. Thank you so much
00:55:28I've never faked an orgasm because I think our generation got enough participation trophies, but
00:55:33But I don't judge you if you have to we've all been there right when it's going too long if
00:55:37you want to fake an orgasm
00:55:39Here's a little tip for me to you. Just hold your breath
00:55:43For as long as you can
00:55:47Because then when you're like
00:56:01It'll seem like you came when really you just came up for air
00:56:07That's how you get rid of hiccups and Jeremy
00:56:14I
00:56:14Do like having sex with men sometimes I will say does anyone like sucking dick for real?
00:56:19Does anyone really yeah? Oh wow good for you. Just a quiet hand raise. That's beautiful
00:56:29So nice wow heroes among us good for you
00:56:33I like sucking dick the way I like going for a run i'm proud of myself after
00:56:42But during i'm always like why'd I do this I didn't have to do this
00:56:46There's other ways to get where i'm going
00:56:50But then afterwards i'm always like wow the power of the human spirit
00:56:55Really is all mind over matter out there
00:56:58But then during i'm like people should be throwing little cups of water on me for being so brave
00:57:03But then afterwards i'm like nice got my time down
00:57:14We're trying to get faster not better
00:57:19I remember I was so scared to start going down on women and then I went down on a girl
00:57:23for the first time and I was like
00:57:24Oh my god, that was so much better. I was so mad at my whole life
00:57:29I was like you're telling me this whole time. I could have been licking ice creams
00:57:34And instead i've been swallowing swords
00:57:41Could have been living like a child on the boardwalk instead i've been living like a carny with something to
00:57:46prove
00:57:49Not that i'm like killing it at queer dating i am not i'm running into obstacles
00:57:53I never thought i'd face i got dumped by a polyamorous person you ever been dumped by a polyamorous person
00:57:58it sucks
00:57:59It's like getting fired from a part-time job
00:58:03They're like you can't even work here mondays and tuesdays holy shit
00:58:07I didn't think i was gonna like dating somebody poly um she was poly i was busy but
00:58:12It actually ended up being the most honest transparent communicative relationship i'd ever been in and i was totally in
00:58:18love with her
00:58:18And she dumped me because i worked too much and let me tell you something grand rapids
00:58:22When i started dating a polyamorous person
00:58:24I did not think it was gonna end because my lifestyle didn't work for them
00:58:32I know some of you don't believe me you're like there's no way you liked being poly taylor
00:58:36You are not cool you reek of monogamy
00:58:38I bet you masturbate to bridgerton and you know what i don't i have but i don't
00:58:48That joke's not going in the special there's no way
00:58:51No no no that's way too vulnerable to put on netflix
00:58:55We'll not be doing that unless it helps the algorithm we'll have to talk about it
00:59:00If netflix was like if you liked bridgerton
00:59:14I really appreciate you guys coming to this new hour of material because i know it's a lot of god
00:59:18stuff and a lot of gay stuff and my agents are nervous
00:59:23I think my whole team was a little nervous when i said i was gonna do a tour called save
00:59:27me and talk about religion
00:59:28I got a call from my publicist one day like hey i heard you're gonna call the special prodigal daughter
00:59:33and you want to call the tour save me
00:59:34I think that's great just making sure you're not taking any promo photos like hanging upside down from a cross
00:59:39right
00:59:42Anyway so we got rid of those photos but
00:59:45No i did i did not do that i did not do that that was never the intention i understand
00:59:50Why they thought it was going to be an hour just bashing christianity because if you watch all of my
00:59:55other specials
00:59:56I usually take a few minutes to take a few shots at christianity and that's because i was working through
01:00:02a lot of stuff from my childhood
01:00:03And also i was really jealous that christianity had worked for other people and not me as a mentally ill
01:00:10person
01:00:11It is devastating when someone just goes yeah i used to be sad too and then i accepted jesus into
01:00:16my heart and now i'm all better and you're like
01:00:19Oh is that all you did that's all you did
01:00:23Just said a little poem in the dark and now you're worthy of love that's great i love that for
01:00:28you
01:00:40It's like when someone goes yeah i just stopped drinking soda lost 20 pounds all my acne went away and
01:00:44you're like oh my god
01:00:45That's so cool i hope your plane falls out of the sky
01:00:52The problem that i have with religion is it can be interpreted so many different ways right like you can
01:00:59say to a room full of people
01:01:01Jesus loves you no matter what and a lot of those people will hear
01:01:04Jesus loves me but some of those people will hear
01:01:10No matter what
01:01:12And that's the problem right religion can be used as either a weapon or a tool and to be clear
01:01:18if you are using religion
01:01:20As a weapon to control manipulate scare people to make yourself feel superior to everyone else
01:01:27Fuck you that's not what it's for
01:01:33You are not using that correctly
01:01:38You're using a vibrator as a back massager and we're all fucking laughing at you
01:01:44Because if god does exist he does not exist to make you feel better than other people he exists to
01:01:50make you better for other people
01:01:59And life is so fucking hard whatever makes you a better person for other people
01:02:04That's what you should be doing we do this weird thing where we like forget that everybody's struggling
01:02:09Everybody's just trying to get through it and we judge each other's coping mechanisms like oh you're a quitter if
01:02:14you get on antidepressants
01:02:15You're stupid if you believe in god
01:02:17Bitch i'm on mood stabilizers you're on jesus. We're all trying to get to dead with daddy. We're all trying
01:02:23to get there
01:02:27It's fine
01:02:31And there are a lot of people who are using religion correctly people like my aunt and uncle my grandparents
01:02:37the people at this church
01:02:38there are a lot of people who are using
01:02:39religion as a tool for community and connection and compassion and comfort and
01:02:46When I was writing this hour, I was thinking about those people
01:02:50And I was thinking about my family and I was trying to think of positive things that came out of
01:02:54me growing up in church
01:02:56And the most positive thing I can't believe I didn't think of sooner. I started doing stand-up in churches.
01:03:01That's how I started doing this
01:03:02They called it testimony, but I was getting laughs
01:03:07No, I really did I started doing stand-up when I was 16 years old and for the first like
01:03:12I don't know like four or five years of my career
01:03:14I was performing in a lot of churches if you don't know in america
01:03:17You can make a living as a church comedian you can tour churches even bigger than this four or five
01:03:23thousand seats
01:03:24And make a great living that way and when I was like 21
01:03:27I had to decide am I gonna go the church comedian route or am I gonna go the secular comedian
01:03:32route?
01:03:33And I think you know what I picked
01:03:36But I am so grateful to have that as my foundation for my stand-up career
01:03:41I mean, I got so much professional stage time in front of thousands of people. I got paid
01:03:46I learned how to work clean and perform in any room and
01:03:50I think about that a lot. I'm so grateful for it
01:03:53And I know a lot of you're probably sitting there right now going well, that's nice
01:03:58It's cute that you're grateful taylor and we you know we get what you're doing with the church and everything,
01:04:04but um
01:04:05We've seen your stuff now
01:04:08And there's no way you could perform in churches now
01:04:13And here's the thing. I don't want to
01:04:16And I probably won't
01:04:18But I fucking could though, okay. Oh
01:04:22If I get cancelled or some shit i'm a fucking professional and I will be returning to churches, okay?
01:04:29I will turn this ship around so goddamn gosh darn fast
01:04:34In a fetus's heartbeat, I'll go back to churches. I will rebrand like you've never seen
01:04:39I'll get real big hair marry a man. Let him lead
01:04:43Write a book called submissive wife submissive life
01:04:47Adopt a southern accent out of nowhere
01:04:50And yeah, i'm going on tour. I have the beginning of the show all planned out in my head
01:04:54It's gonna start off pitch black auditorium then on the big screen. I'm only doing mega churches. That's where the
01:04:59money is
01:05:01On the big screen a black and white montage probably starting with the netflix ba-da noise. They own my
01:05:06ass for like eight more years
01:05:09A black and white montage of all my raunchiest jokes from my 20s and that's why getting a guy to
01:05:14wear a condom is like
01:05:16Fade out to demon noises freeze frame on my young face lights slowly come up as I walk out wearing
01:05:23all
01:05:24You know what i'm just gonna show you i'm just gonna show you
01:05:38I
01:05:38This is how you get pussy. I came so hard. I'll have you know in bed. I am a wild
01:05:43animal
01:05:44Okay, and that's when I stopped believing in god. Go home and google porn for women. Okay. I lost my
01:05:50virginity late
01:05:51I lost it when I was financially independent. You guys I'm literally fucking the patriarchy. Are you wet? Let me
01:05:57feel
01:05:57Yeah, I grew up with god. He's a douche bag that joke makes it sound like I resent my religious
01:06:02upbringing
01:06:03And I do so I nailed it fucking hell
01:06:05No, christian parents want to watch their daughter talk about depression and dick for an hour
01:06:09Jesus
01:06:09I don't know if any of you have tried to get a 20 something dude from a dating app to
01:06:14wear a condom lately
01:06:15But it's sort of like trying to convince a five-year-old to put a jacket on over his halloween
01:06:22costume
01:06:22I'm gonna tell you
01:06:22It doesn't stop you guys
01:06:25I think i have it here
01:06:28Jesus
01:06:32you
01:06:37You
01:07:01anybody recognize her that was me back when satan had me in his clutches
01:07:10and i can see some of you feeling like joseph on christmas right now like
01:07:15is this whore lying to me but everybody loves the comeback don't they it ain't a rebrand
01:07:22it's a rebirth folks welcome to the prodigal daughter tour
01:07:46all right here's some great queer awakenings people sent in we always get um we always
01:07:52get the cast of pirates of the caribbean we always get shego from kim possible uh we always
01:07:57get uh robin hood the fox version uh for yeah you know uh and then people always ask what
01:08:04my queer awakening was and my queer awakening i figured out because i was watching home
01:08:09movies of me as a little kid and i found this video of me talking to my mom when i
01:08:13was like
01:08:13three or four and you guys remember the girl deer from bambi falleen okay so apparently
01:08:19falleen was my queer awakening and we do have the footage
01:08:24why's the best because he's just the best what about falleen isn't she the best too
01:08:32yeah she's very pretty she makes me like a hot dog in a pan
01:08:37she makes me like a hot dog in a pan my goodness what does that mean
01:08:43i don't know
01:08:46thank you so much grand rapids i cannot thank you enough one more time for sophie muddle everybody
01:08:54thank you citrusy
01:09:00you
01:09:00you
01:09:01you
01:09:01you
01:09:04you
01:09:06you
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