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00:05Ladies and gentlemen, Todd Glenn!
00:35People have to stop telling you who you look like.
00:37I've done it too, but stop telling everybody who they look like.
00:39Everybody wants to tell you,
00:40Oh my God, you look like my friend Bill.
00:44You look just like him.
00:46Then you meet Bill, you're like,
00:47Oh shit, is that what I look like?
00:50I once had a girl, she told me I look like,
00:52She goes, you look like John Goodman.
00:57I was like, what?
00:59She goes, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:02Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:05She goes, a young, thin John Goodman.
01:07Okay, that's not going to make me feel any better.
01:09I would never say to a girl, you look like a, uh, you know what?
01:13You look like a pig.
01:15Oh my God, not a fat pig.
01:17No, a young, thin pig.
01:20You're like a hot smoking pig.
01:22You know what I mean?
01:23Like a pig that works out.
01:25Like a pig, not a pig.
01:26You're thinking of a pig in mud.
01:28No, you're so insecure.
01:29It's probably issues you have.
01:30You know, I'm thinking of a pig that was laying in mud, but said, oh my God, just because
01:35I'm a pig, I don't have to live like a pig.
01:38You know what I mean?
01:39Goes back to school, gets its GED, drives around the neighborhood with a pretty scarf, that type
01:45of pig.
01:47She was like, oh, thank you.
01:52I was doing a show in Hawaii.
01:53They wanted me to go surfing.
01:55And I said, I don't want to go surfing to the college kids.
01:57They're like, well, uh, why?
02:00I said, because I'm scared of sharks.
02:02They're like, really?
02:03Because there was a 12-year-old girl here.
02:04She had her arm bitten off by a shark and she still surfs.
02:08They go, are you telling us that a 14-year-old girl has more courage than you?
02:16I said, well, not to be a jerk, but I do have more arms than she does.
02:23I'm not trying to be a dick.
02:24I wouldn't say it if she was in the room.
02:26I'm not a heartless fuck.
02:28I'm just saying, you know, I would take arms over courage.
02:32That's all.
02:33Because you could be more courageous if you had arms.
02:42Did you ever bait people for compliments?
02:45You know what I mean?
02:46We've all done it.
02:47It's insecure.
02:48We should stop it.
02:50You know what I mean?
02:51Somebody, you want them to argue with you, don't.
02:54Like tomorrow at your workplace.
02:56If somebody does that, don't argue with them.
02:59Like if somebody at your workplace goes, you know what?
03:02I'm old and boring.
03:04Go out without me.
03:04I'll just mess up the whole night.
03:06Go, oh my God, thanks a lot.
03:07We thought you were going to be upset.
03:09Oh, I'm so glad you understand how old and boring you are.
03:12We thought you were going to be like, what do you mean I'm old and boring?
03:14But you get it.
03:15Come on.
03:18Like if somebody goes, oh, I feel like a bloated cow.
03:23Just go, oh my God, I knew you knew.
03:27Oh, everybody was talking about what a bloated cow you were last night.
03:31And they said you didn't know.
03:32I said, you shut the fuck up.
03:33They know.
03:34I totally had your back.
03:36I got you.
03:37Don't worry.
03:38I'm your friend.
03:41When I was little, I thought 50.
03:43When I was little, when I was 12, I thought 50 was like, hello.
03:49I'm 50 years old.
03:52I'm 50.
03:5450.
03:56Come on.
03:58In today's society, you know what 50 is?
04:0050 is like, hey, I'm in a band.
04:01We play Thursday night.
04:02Come check us out.
04:03Everything's good.
04:06Not when you're little.
04:07When you're eight years old, 50 is like, I'm 50.
04:11I'm going to shit in my pants and go yell at interracial couples.
04:20When I was 12 years old, it's not a big deal.
04:22I don't want you to feel bad for me.
04:24But I grew up.
04:25I have dyslexia.
04:26Not a big deal now.
04:27But back then, they didn't know really what it was.
04:30They put me in special classes.
04:32Hey, draw a picture.
04:33You know, are those, is that kid happy?
04:35I knew what they were doing.
04:37So because I have dyslexia, I'm not really good with South or West or North.
04:42I don't know it.
04:43Because I remember the first day in school when the teacher pulled down the map.
04:47And I thought, oh, fuck.
04:50I can't learn all those lines.
04:53There was lines everywhere.
04:55So I don't know South and West.
04:57I'm being serious.
04:58I don't know South, West, North.
05:00I don't know it.
05:01People give me directions.
05:02They go, get off the exit, head South.
05:04Right or left?
05:05South.
05:06Right or fucking left?
05:10Don't you understand?
05:11I don't know South.
05:12I don't have a compass, you prick.
05:16I head South.
05:17Get off the exit.
05:18Head towards the ocean.
05:21Will I see the ocean?
05:23Because I don't see the ocean.
05:24It's not going to help me.
05:25You know what they say?
05:26Well, come on.
05:27You're not, if you're heading towards the ocean, you're not going to head towards the mountains.
05:32Yes, I will.
05:33I don't know.
05:34Hawaii has oceans and mountains.
05:35I don't know.
05:37Just, why don't you tell me what I'm going to see if I've gone too far?
05:40That's what I want to see.
05:42You understand?
05:43Yeah, you.
05:44That's what I want to hear.
05:45I want to hear what I'm going to see if I've gone too far.
05:48You know when people give you directions?
05:49If you've gone too far, you're going to see a Burger King.
05:52Because I will see that Burger King.
05:56Because whenever people tell me what I'm going to see if I've gone too far, I always see it.
05:59And then it helps me.
06:00I'm like, okay, there's the Burger King.
06:01So I'm not really lost because part of finding the way where I'm going is being lost.
06:05Okay, then we're going to turn around and now I'm right over here and everything's good.
06:08Okay.
06:15When I was growing up, I knew it was always hard for my parents because they would compliment
06:18my brothers and try to say nice things.
06:21And I didn't do well in school and often that's what you compliment kids about.
06:24So they always tried to make things up about me.
06:27You know, they'd be like, Spencer's the head of his fraternity.
06:29And Michael, he got straight A's.
06:31And Corey might skip third grade.
06:34And look at Todd.
06:35What an appetite.
06:36He ate a whole pizza.
06:38And I was like...
06:41I thought I got the better compliment.
06:43I'm like, oh, they don't have anything nice to say about them.
06:48I used to be scared of the dark.
06:50And I still am.
06:52People try to bully me.
06:54They're like, you're scared of the dark?
06:55Yeah.
06:56That's what you have to do when people are bullies.
06:57You bully them back.
06:58Don't let people bully you.
07:00You're scared of the dark?
07:00Yeah.
07:01I'm fucking scared of the dark.
07:02You know why?
07:02People get stabbed in the dark.
07:04That's why.
07:05Fuck face.
07:06Don't try to bully me.
07:07I know what happens in the dark.
07:13So, but I don't know if I can have kids.
07:16You can't be scared of the dark and have kids.
07:18What if my son comes in the bedroom or my daughter in the middle of the night?
07:21Daddy, I think there's somebody outside.
07:24Go check.
07:26Normally, I wouldn't let you out at four in the morning, but it's a good reason.
07:30I think there's somebody under my bed.
07:32Are you sure?
07:33Are you sure?
07:34Because I call the police, but you're going to look stupid if they come and there's no one to your
07:37bed.
07:37I don't care.
07:39I love you, but, you know.
07:40Why don't you think about it?
07:41If you're positive, then come back.
07:43I definitely want to call the police.
07:50If I'm on the road for a while, I wish I was making this up for my act.
07:54I still check behind the shower curtain.
07:56And I yell when I do it, by the way.
07:59I do the old, ah!
08:00And I don't, if somebody else went, ah!
08:02I don't know what I'd do.
08:04I don't know if I'd go, ah, ah, ah, ah!
08:06And then I would go, okay, there's no one behind there.
08:13I have a hard time saying certain words, because I, you know, because of dyslexia, no big deal.
08:17I just flip things in my head sometimes.
08:19So I don't say the words.
08:21And, ah, one of the words that I have a hard time saying is, ah, I can say it now,
08:25because I'll slow down, is domesticated.
08:27So I used to say domestitated.
08:29You know, I'd say, hey, domestitated.
08:31And people would be like, really?
08:32How old are you?
08:32So, so what I tried, I stopped saying it.
08:35And then a friend of mine, she goes, oh, you could say it.
08:38She goes, just slow down.
08:39She goes, just say domest.
08:41I say domest.
08:43She goes, duh.
08:45Demess, duh.
08:46This is true, by the way.
08:48I go, demess, duh.
08:50She goes, now just say cated.
08:52I go, demess, duh, cated.
08:55She goes, there you go.
09:00But I still can't say it at parties.
09:03Hey, you know, contrary to popular belief, the prairie dog was not the first dog to be demess, duh, cated.
09:11People would be like, that guy's smart.
09:14A lot of big words, really savors every word.
09:19My parents never said this, but I've heard parents say it.
09:22My parents never said it, I'm glad.
09:23That's why we don't have nice things when something bad happens.
09:27That's why we don't have nice things.
09:29Didn't you wish a little kid had to wear with all to answer that?
09:31Really?
09:32Is that why we don't have nice things?
09:34No, I just want to know.
09:35Oh, no, no, I'm not being a jerk.
09:36I just, my friends always think we don't have nice things because you have a shitty job.
09:39I just want to tell them.
09:41No, no, no, I don't know what it is.
09:42Maybe it's because, I don't know.
09:43So we're saying we don't, you don't have nice things.
09:45We don't have nice things because I spilled Cheerios on the rocks five years ago.
09:48Okay, I just want to know.
09:49I don't know.
09:50Now, what about the shitty cars?
09:51Why do we have shitty cars?
09:52I just want to know.
09:53And we don't go out to eat.
09:54Okay, just want to know.
09:55I mean, no, next time my friends come over and they go, hey, your house is shitty.
09:58Is it because of your dad?
09:59I go, no, it's because of me.
10:00I got your back.
10:01Totally got your back.
10:05Went out to...
10:10Last week, I went out to eat here in the Los Angeles area.
10:13Now, for you people watching at home, I want to let you in on something.
10:17You people know, because you live in Los Angeles.
10:20They have to grade the restaurants here now.
10:22Like, if, if, from the health department, you have to hang it in the window.
10:26You get an A, B, C, or a D, and you got to hang it in the window.
10:29I went to a restaurant last week.
10:31In the window, a D.
10:33Yeah.
10:34And next to it, I guess the owner, he wrote a-licious.
10:37I'm like, I don't, no.
10:42I don't think they give out deliciouses.
10:44He goes, yeah, we got one at school.
10:46I'm like, they don't give out deliciouses.
10:48He goes, yeah, we did.
10:50I'm like, then why is the D professionally written and then a-licious, the next part, is just written out
10:55like that.
10:56He goes, that's what I thought.
10:57Come on, buddy.
10:58You're pushing it here.
11:01You know what I did?
11:03I guess it was, oh, it was last Thanksgiving.
11:05For the first time ever, I had a dinner party.
11:08That's hard.
11:09I don't know how people do it.
11:10I, first of all, let me tell you this.
11:11I was so nervous to have 13 people over for dinner.
11:14You have a different appreciation for how hard that is.
11:17My mom did it effortlessly.
11:18So I set the table the night before, okay?
11:22You know, and you know what?
11:23I like the way it looked.
11:24I'll admit it.
11:25You know, I go to the bathroom at 3 in the morning.
11:27I peek out.
11:28Oh, it looks good.
11:31I had a dinner party.
11:32First of all, people show up an hour early for a dinner party.
11:37An hour early.
11:38They're like, oh, we're here early.
11:40What could we do to help?
11:42Fucking leave.
11:44You don't show up to an hour early to a dinner party.
11:50And by the way, if you're having people over your house and it's everybody brings something,
11:56you know how they have that?
11:56Everybody bring a dish.
11:58You know what I'm talking about, sure.
12:01Everybody brings something.
12:03Folks, that means bring it made.
12:07Yes, bring it made.
12:10Okay?
12:10Otherwise, you're freaking everybody out.
12:13Somebody showed up, I swear to God, with a bag of potatoes.
12:16They pulled it out and then some sour cream and some butter.
12:19I go, is that the fucking mashed potatoes?
12:22Because we're not having mashed potatoes if that's the mashed potatoes.
12:25You think I told you to bring mashed potatoes because I couldn't afford mashed potatoes?
12:29I want it made.
12:30I don't want to mess up my kitchen.
12:32There I said it.
12:34Some other girl shows up with the salad.
12:36I asked her to bring the salad.
12:38She goes, oh, plastic bag full of cut up cucumbers.
12:41Then she's got another plastic bag full of the croutons.
12:44She's got another chopped up tomatoes.
12:45I'm like, yes, she gets it.
12:49Then she goes, where do I make the salad dressing?
12:55In your fucking car.
12:58I don't care where you make it.
13:00The potato guy can go toss his salad in the car.
13:03You're not messing up my kitchen.
13:05And for the love of God, bring it in a nice bowl.
13:15Am I wrong?
13:17Bring it in a nice bowl.
13:19Some guy shows up with potato salad in a bowl with a handle on it.
13:25Right there.
13:26I shouldn't have to go on anymore.
13:28A handle on a bowl with dog chew marks all over it.
13:32It looked like it had been in the microwave a few thousand times.
13:35Yeah, what if I didn't care?
13:36What if I got, that's all right.
13:37Here, dump it on the table.
13:38Who gives a shit?
13:39We're all pigs.
13:43I don't like when people tell me to slow down when I eat either if I'm at someone's house
13:47for dinner.
13:48People tell me that my whole life.
13:49Slow down, you'll enjoy it more.
13:51No, I won't.
13:52No, I won't.
13:53I've eaten slow.
13:54I don't enjoy it.
13:55Matter of fact, I get pissed off if I see other people eating slow.
13:58There was a girl in an airplane once eating a Twix bar.
14:00She was folding it down.
14:03She took a bite and then she read her book and then she ate more of the Twix bar.
14:08I'm like, eat the Twix bar, you whore.
14:10Come on.
14:11Eat it so slow.
14:13Do one or the other.
14:14If that book's so good, then put the Twix bar down.
14:16Eat that Twix bar.
14:17Two bites.
14:20And I know that's my own anger.
14:22That's not her fault.
14:24I have those situations happen a lot of times in my life where somebody's doing something.
14:29You know when you're driving down the street and you see someone jogging
14:33and then at a red light they do this?
14:43All right.
14:44You're great with your heart rate.
14:49Aren't you better than all of us?
14:51You must know something we don't know.
14:56Ladies and gentlemen, let me bring you back and paint a picture of a young Todd Glass, 11 or 12
15:05years old.
15:06I looked exactly the same.
15:08My head.
15:10But my body was smaller.
15:12And I always perplexed at life.
15:15Many of my moments were like this.
15:20And I remember at a very young age, and I hope some of you will relate with this,
15:23because, you know, I'm always hoping the crowd relates, because, you know, you want, you want.
15:27But if you don't, it gets you a little nervous sometimes.
15:30You know, like if I'm saying to you, hey, you know when you're bored and you're sitting around the house
15:33and the crowd's like, yeah.
15:35So you don't know what to do?
15:36Yeah.
15:37So you stick your finger up the cat's ass?
15:39And you're like, no, I don't stick your finger up the cat's ass.
15:43So at a young age, I was intrigued with rich people.
15:48Anybody?
15:48You know what I mean?
15:49I'd be like, oh, my God, they're rich.
15:50I wanted this rich people.
15:52I'd be like, if I saw a circle driveway, I was like, fuck.
15:57Oh, they got to be rich, because only rich people have circle driveways with fucking mulch.
16:04And it's nice.
16:05And they got landscapers everywhere.
16:07Libra, Libra, whatever.
16:11You know, this is, by the way, this is the epitome of finger up the cat's ass, okay?
16:16I'm opening up to you right now.
16:17But I remember at a young age seeing above-the-ground pools and thinking, they look like shit.
16:26I didn't even have an above-the-ground pool.
16:29But I had a 12-year-old be like, your pool looks like shit.
16:32It's fucking up the whole neighborhood.
16:34What is wrong with you?
16:36Plant some trees around it.
16:38Put a deck around it.
16:39You can't fucking think it looks good.
16:42Now I'm a full-grown adult.
16:45Obviously, I look back and I think, I was right.
16:49There's certain things that rich people do, and there's certain things poor people do.
16:53Don't be offended.
16:54I'm just telling you.
16:55Rich people roll their towels.
16:58I don't even know why, but that's what they do.
17:02You know, maybe you like to have a drawer at your house.
17:06You open it up and there's soy packets and ketchup packets and mustard packets and plastic spoons.
17:14You should do that.
17:16But I just want to let you know, that's what poor people do.
17:21Yes.
17:22You know, I don't want to get you upset.
17:24Hey, poor people love to pack their car into a parking spot.
17:28I don't know why, even.
17:30They just fucking love to do it.
17:32I can't even explain it.
17:34But there's certain things people do.
17:36Rich people, poor people, from a little kid.
17:38Hey, poor people love to have their dish soap out next to the sink in their kitchen.
17:43They got the dish soap out.
17:44They got the scrunchie pad.
17:45Hey, by the way, if you do it, you should do it.
17:48It's your fucking house.
17:49And don't let people tell you what to do and what not to do.
17:52But I'm just telling you, that's what poor people do.
17:57And I hope you don't think I'm wrong.
17:59You've never opened an architectural digest and seen a $5 million house with Palmolive out on the counter
18:06and a scrunchie pad with baking grease from the last five years.
18:11So you do whatever you want to do.
18:15Poor, like, I'll give you another example.
18:17This might explain it.
18:19Like, rich people, I always have a perception, like they jiggle their nuts.
18:26Anybody?
18:28I don't care if there's one person I would be, if there's one person in the crowd tonight that goes,
18:33I think I know what it is.
18:35Like rich people, maybe they have some cashews.
18:41Rich people jiggle their nuts.
18:42It's just, can we at least agree that it's a sign of leisure?
18:47You don't see poor people jiggling their nuts?
18:51You don't see a poor guy?
18:52You know, poor people kick a stone.
18:54Let's not fuck around here.
19:02I went to a watermelon festival about a year ago.
19:07I didn't drive because, you know, I'm not good with the directions.
19:10So I let a friend drive and we're halfway there and we get really lost.
19:14And she pulls into a 7-Eleven to get directions to a watermelon festival.
19:18And this is a true story.
19:19It's basically a carnival.
19:20But there's watermelon seed spitting, the largest watermelon.
19:24We get lost.
19:25She pulls into 7-Eleven and starts pulling up the black people to get directions to a watermelon festival.
19:30And don't worry.
19:31This bit isn't prejudiced or I wouldn't do it.
19:33I don't do that.
19:34I'm not one of those people that goes, I don't mean to be prejudiced.
19:36And then prejudiced shit comes out of their mouth.
19:39They never say, I don't mean to be prejudiced, but I like jelly beans.
19:42Fine.
19:43Actually, that's not prejudiced.
19:49She's asking black people directions to a watermelon festival?
19:52How about having a heart?
19:54You don't ask black people directions to a watermelon festival.
19:58They don't even know you're going to a watermelon festival, really.
20:00You sound like a dick justifiably.
20:03You pull up, hey, you know where the watermelon festival is?
20:07How you doing, huh?
20:09I like to have fun.
20:10There you go.
20:13I wouldn't ask black people directions to a watermelon festival if they had a watermelon festival t-shirt from last
20:19year that said,
20:20ask me how to get to the watermelon festival.
20:23I'm going inside.
20:30Always somebody getting upset and always somebody trying to calm somebody down.
20:34That's what relationships are all about.
20:36Basically, somebody's upset, somebody's trying to calm that person down.
20:39Very rarely will two people just go hysterical, right?
20:43And that's when the police are called.
20:44But other than that, sometimes it's your girlfriend that calms you down, or your wife.
20:49That's why you love her.
20:50You're upset about something, she goes, relax, it's not a big deal.
20:54Puts things into perspective.
20:55But it doesn't work.
20:56What you have to do is become the overreactor.
21:02No matter how upset she is, act even ten times more upset.
21:06It works, unless she's here tonight with you.
21:09But let's say you're at a restaurant a week from now, and she goes, does it take an hour to
21:13get a hamburger?
21:15Just go, what?
21:17An hour for a hamburger?
21:21That is bullshit!
21:23We are never going out to eat again!
21:26She's like, relax, it's just a hamburger.
21:28Go, alright, I just love you so much, and I don't want to see you be unhappy.
21:40Let's say you're at home.
21:42You know, she's like, did you take the laundry from the washer and put it in the dryer?
21:47Just go, I forgot.
21:49I'm going to kill myself tonight with liquor and ether.
21:53She's like, it's not a big deal, I'll do it.
21:55It'll take me a second.
21:57You go, alright, I just feel like I take advantage.
22:04Let me tell you something about dogs and puppies.
22:07When you're around a little puppy, six weeks old, that's who you are when nobody else is around.
22:13There's truth to this.
22:13Not when other people are around.
22:15Yeah, you might be nice to a puppy when other people are around.
22:17You see a six-week-old golden retriever puppy.
22:20Yeah, if other people are around, you might go, oh, look how cute you are.
22:22But who you are and the affection you have in you, no one else is around and you're holding a
22:26six-week-old puppy.
22:27Because, you know, you're like, oh, it's so cute.
22:29You want to bite it and mush it and love it and squeeze it and, oh, it's so, you ever
22:34see, you want to bite it and suck on its face.
22:37Yes.
22:38Because it's so cute.
22:39Dogs are good people.
22:42That's who you are.
22:43You love, you ever see, if I go into the living room in the middle of the night, my dog's
22:46sleeping.
22:47First, I look at the dining room table set nicely that I set the night before.
22:52And then if I see my dog laying on the sofa with its head on the pillow, oh, you're getting
22:58bit.
22:59I just suck on his face.
23:01I suck on his face.
23:03And when I say suck on his face, I know people get confused.
23:06What do you mean?
23:07Yes, suck on his face.
23:09Because a dog is good and a dog is pure and it's not judgmental.
23:12And I want to suck some of that goodness out into me.
23:22It's like when you see a baby.
23:25You ever see a baby with those cute little baby legs?
23:28Oh, my God.
23:30You know when they're like, brrr, brrr, white and pure and just, oh, they're not, just, oh, I just want
23:38to, I want to go up to people at the mall.
23:40I don't.
23:40But I want to.
23:42If they didn't think I was a freak, I would go up to people at the mall and go, can
23:47I ask you a favor?
23:48And I'm not a freak.
23:49Hi, my name is Todd Glass.
23:50How you doing?
23:51Good to see you.
23:52Can I bite your baby's legs?
23:56I won't leave a mark.
23:58I just want to suck on them for a little while.
24:02You ever see a sign and it says not to do something?
24:05I used to think, well, who would do that?
24:07But I have a theory.
24:09Seriously.
24:10If a sign says not to do something, somebody did it.
24:15Right?
24:15That makes sense.
24:16The reason I want you to believe this is because then you'll enjoy signs when you see them.
24:21Like, by the time you see a sign that says no diving in the jacuzzi.
24:29Yes.
24:32There's a sign at the gas station that says must put nozzle back on pump when through.
24:41That's what somebody did.
24:42I want to take all the sarcasm out of my voice.
24:45Because there's no way they went that never happened.
24:49And they went, hey, what's some shit?
24:51It's never happened yet, but it might happen.
24:53We'll get some signs posted up around here.
24:56Every time there's a sign, it happens.
24:58So if you see a sign that says no diving in the jacuzzi or must put nozzle back on the
25:02pump,
25:03that means it happened.
25:04Somebody went, all right, 30, 40, 50 bucks.
25:14Uh, sir, you have to put the nozzle back on the pump.
25:17Oh, I don't know.
25:18I need signs.
25:20I need signs.
25:23I never know what pump I'm on.
25:25They're always like, what pump are you on, sir?
25:26I don't, I have to look outside.
25:27I don't know.
25:28The other side of four?
25:31That would be five, sir.
25:34Yeah, it could be three, fuckface.
25:37Cocky and wrong.
25:38It's not a good combination.
25:42In my hotel, there was a sign that said,
25:44a towel on the floor means I want a new one.
25:46But a towel hanging up means I'll use it again, so.
25:50I called down to the front desk.
25:51I said, what's a washcloth on my night table mean with a little lotion next to it?
25:58She said, sir, I don't know.
26:00I said, you have to tell me.
26:02She goes, sir, I don't know.
26:03I said, you have to tell me you work here.
26:05She goes, sir, stop it.
26:07I said, you have to tell me.
26:08She goes, sir, it means you're lonely.
26:10I said, all right, that's all.
26:12And she goes, stop pulling down to see if the movie titles end up on the bill.
26:15You're freaking us all out.
26:23In the Philadelphia airport, there's a glass case, and in the glass case are things you're
26:27not allowed to bring on the plane.
26:29So you know the same thing, like the signs.
26:31If it's in that glass case, somebody brought it on the plane.
26:34And in that glass case was a chainsaw.
26:38Now, I'm thinking like the sign bit.
26:40If that glass case has a chainsaw on it, somebody brought a chainsaw on the airplane.
26:44You know that's true.
26:46Somebody came home with a chainsaw.
26:48Hey, sir, you're not allowed to bring a chainsaw on the airplane.
26:53You know that guy didn't admit he made a mistake.
26:55He didn't admit it.
26:57No, he was probably somewhere a month later.
26:59Don't fly Delta.
27:03Bullshit.
27:04They don't even let you bring a chainsaw on the plane.
27:12They're just fake.
27:13People get angry, but they don't want to let go of it.
27:15You know, it's like when people say you can't even say Merry Christmas.
27:20It's like, yes, you can.
27:23You know, during the holiday season, you know, you can't even say Merry Christmas anymore.
27:26Yes, you can.
27:27They ask you to say Happy Holidays now.
27:29Oh, you can't even say Merry Christmas anymore.
27:32Yes, you can.
27:34Stop saying that.
27:36It's wrong.
27:37When did you ever say Merry Christmas to someone that celebrated Christmas and somebody went,
27:41hey, you can't do that anymore.
27:43I'll give you the example of what it's like.
27:44It's like if there was a guy and he walked around all day saying, hi, Glenn, everybody.
27:48Hey, Glenn.
27:48How you doing, Glenn?
27:49Good to see you, Glenn.
27:50Hey, Glenn.
27:51How you doing, Glenn?
27:52But everybody, as you all did, smiled because you know what?
27:54In this world that we live in, if somebody's friendly, you know they mean hi, so just accept it.
27:59So there's no problem up until someone corrects that guy, right?
28:03Because I think up to now when people said Merry Christmas, I'm Jewish.
28:06And if somebody said Merry Christmas to me, I just thought I know what they mean and I didn't care.
28:10But if somebody corrects you, that's what it's like.
28:12And they go, hey, oh, by the way, don't say hi, Glenn, to everybody.
28:16Just say hi.
28:17That includes everybody.
28:18And you go, that's bullshit.
28:19You can't even say hi, Glenn anymore.
28:21I can't believe you can't say hi.
28:22You can say hi, Glenn, if it's fucking Glenn.
28:30My brother doesn't spank his kids, and a lot of times he'll tell that casually to people, and they always
28:35go, he goes, yeah, I never spanked my kids.
28:37And they always go, never.
28:39Well, if it's wrong, it's wrong, you know.
28:41You can't go, never, never.
28:43They go, never.
28:44It's like their way of going, never, let's be honest.
28:47Come on, you mean you try not to hit them, but to say never.
28:50You're being, come on.
28:52You would never say that with anything else.
28:54If it's wrong, it's wrong.
28:55You would never go, I never hit my wife.
28:56Someone would go, never.
28:59Come on.
29:00What if she runs out into the street?
29:02Oh, shut up.
29:04Because that's, that's what people say a lot, you know, when you, when you put that towards them.
29:08They're looking for a reason.
29:09They don't want to just believe that they could never spank.
29:11So their, their, their mind goes, they go, there's never a reason to spank your kids.
29:15And people go, oh, well, well, well, what about if they run out into the street, huh?
29:20I fucking got you, didn't I?
29:22Hmm?
29:23I don't know.
29:24If they run out into the street, maybe save them?
29:30I like to, even if some kids need to be spanked, I don't ever, I don't think that people are
29:35taken seriously that say it.
29:36Like when you're at the mall, that kid needs a good spanking.
29:38That kid needs a good spanking.
29:39You know why those people aren't taken seriously?
29:41Because even if sometimes that's true, they never say the other thing, right?
29:44You never see a person go, you know what that kid needs?
29:47Hmm.
29:47Better fucking parents.
29:51And by the way, if your parents spanked you, you know, a lot of parents did.
29:54That doesn't mean you have to be angry with them.
29:55They did a great job.
29:56It's just years later.
29:57You'll learn new things.
29:58You have great parents.
29:59They love you.
30:00I don't like when people hold on to it though.
30:01Like you ever see a guy go, my dad used to whoop the shit out of me with a paddle.
30:05Whoop the shit out of me.
30:06You know what?
30:07Graduated with straight A's.
30:10Really?
30:10Does the ends justify the means?
30:12I don't know if that's true or not.
30:14I would never go, you know, my neighbor's dog used to bark.
30:16I knocked on the door and I raped his wife.
30:19That dog don't bark no more.
30:21That dog don't bark no more.
30:27I hate people that hold on to memory.
30:29I hate people that say back then.
30:31Hate's a strong word, by the way, but you'll think you'll know what I mean.
30:33Hate.
30:34I don't like people, you know, hate.
30:35Just it's, it's not a good word.
30:37So I should be careful in the way that you, you know what I mean?
30:39People that's overused the word hate.
30:40I hate Oprah.
30:42Really?
30:43That's who you fucking hate?
30:44Oprah?
30:46That's where you put your energy?
30:47Yeah, Oprah, look at her.
30:48She just tries to get a lot of attention by making the world a better place.
30:52She's got to be fucking stopped.
30:56I hate cats.
30:57It's the same thing.
30:58I hate cats.
30:59Shut up.
30:59Really?
31:00Hey, let me tell you something.
31:01I prefer dogs over cats, but I don't hate cats.
31:04People, I hate cats.
31:07Really?
31:07What happened where you let a cat get the upper hand like this?
31:11Where were you at where you went, fuck them cats?
31:14Oh, God.
31:15Did you see that cat the way it was staring at me the whole night?
31:21Sometimes I feel there's older people that are mad at people that are just for being young.
31:25That happens.
31:26I'm just mad for being young.
31:28Just, you know, let me tell you something.
31:30Except for your memories with your loved ones, everything's better tomorrow.
31:34Tomorrow's a better day.
31:35Technology's better.
31:36People are more open-minded.
31:39Tomorrow's better.
31:40So don't let people, some old fuck, hold on to something.
31:43Anything.
31:43It doesn't even make sense.
31:45I saw this older guy once.
31:46He was like probably 50, actually.
31:48And he saw a kid with a cell phone and he goes, yeah, when I was a kid, we didn't
31:53have
31:53cell phones.
31:56That's because they didn't have them.
31:59I don't have something they're not going to have in the future.
32:01Do I get any credit for that?
32:04Back then.
32:04It's back then.
32:05Stop with the back then.
32:06Back then, we didn't have bottled water.
32:08We drank out of the hose.
32:11Good.
32:12Go drink out of the fucking hose.
32:13No one's stopping you.
32:15Drink hose water.
32:17Bottle hose water for all your hose drinking water friends, okay?
32:21It's just holding on.
32:22Back then, people wear suits.
32:24Yeah, you wear suits.
32:25You look good.
32:26Yeah, I wore a suit two weeks ago.
32:27It blows, okay?
32:29It's uncomfortable.
32:30Back then, we had pong.
32:32We played pong and we liked it.
32:34We didn't have electrical outlet covers back then.
32:37If a kid stuck his finger in there, he learned his lesson.
32:40Okay, do you have a mental problem?
32:42Who's going, yes, if a three-year-old doesn't understand an electrical carrot, he deserves
32:47to get his fingers zapped.
32:49Finally, someone agrees with me.
32:51Back then, we didn't wear bicycle helmets.
32:53If a kid fell off a bike, he cracked his head open.
32:56I think you cracked your head open.
32:58That's why you're complaining about dumb shit.
33:00Why don't you do that?
33:01Why don't you put on a suit and drink hose water and play pong and leave me the fuck alone,
33:05okay?
33:12Hey, by the way, let's deal with this tonight.
33:15We're full-grown adults in a room, 5,000 people.
33:28You know when people say, you've heard someone say, you've been somewhere,
33:33I don't even watch TV.
33:36I don't even own a TV.
33:40Okay, they're saying it for a reason.
33:42Let's start giving them what they want.
33:45They're not just telling you they don't watch TV.
33:48They want a reaction, right?
33:50Just start giving it to them, please.
33:52Can we put it to rest?
33:53These people will shut the fuck up if we give them what they want to hear.
33:57Next time somebody goes, I don't watch TV, just go,
33:59Oh, my God, you don't watch TV?
34:04You're better than everybody.
34:06Oh, we've got an incredible person over here.
34:10You don't watch TV?
34:12I can only imagine how many documentaries you've seen.
34:16Oh, you're like a poet.
34:18I'm going to give my children to you because you could raise them better.
34:31I do watch TV.
34:34I love it.
34:35I love it all.
34:36About a month ago, I saw a documentary,
34:38and they were talking about, this is true, about prostitution.
34:42And some of the prostitutes said they had kids,
34:44but they go, but I'm a good mom, but I have kids.
34:47And a lot of my friends that I was watching it with,
34:49you know, they're being silly.
34:50They go, come on, you can't be a prostitute and a good mom.
34:53And I wanted to be the one that argued it.
34:55I wanted to be the one that go, all right, don't, you know, judge everybody.
34:59Because I always think everybody was a little cute boy and a little cute girl.
35:03Everybody, right?
35:04If you want to know who your friends are,
35:05if you have new friends or if you have friends,
35:07look at pictures when they were younger.
35:08You'll understand who they are.
35:10And you'll look at them, you'll go, that's who you are.
35:12You never look at a little girl and go, oh, my God,
35:14she's going to be a whore when she gets older.
35:17She's got whore eyes, you can see it, right?
35:19But I still don't understand how you could do it.
35:21It just seems hard to be a whore and a good mom.
35:23I just picture a mom, like, in the kitchen, the kids come down.
35:26She's like, let me tell you something.
35:28I did not blow five guys last night so you can get a D in math.
35:32I can't take it anymore.
35:34Your mother's ass is not a windsock, Sharon,
35:37so you can buy every Barbie doll you see when we go shopping.
35:40Nikki, I did not let a Chinese businessman take a poop on me at three in the morning
35:45so I can send the two of you to summer camp.
35:47And this is a thanks I get?
35:50Sometimes I hope the next dick I suck, I get gonery and I go blind
35:53so I don't have to look at the disappointment that the two of you are turning in, too.
36:01I like extreme makeover.
36:04The only thing I'm not crazy about, I do cry, I'm not going to lie.
36:08Why wouldn't you if you're normal?
36:11Seriously.
36:12They always ask them what they like.
36:14You know, they ask the kids, they have the producers,
36:17what do you like?
36:18And then they say, oh, I like, you know, race cars.
36:22And they build them a whole race car themed bedroom.
36:25They won't fucking stop.
36:27I think it would be so funny if one time they asked a little kid,
36:30what do you like?
36:31He goes, pussy.
36:32They're like, oh.
36:34Nothing else?
36:35Nah, just pussy.
36:36You know, then some poor guy's got to run out and get a big bag of cotton balls
36:41and a toupee to make a fake pussy, because parents are good people.
36:46I realize the later you're up, it seems like they advertise a lot of things
36:50like cleaning products, they'll get any stain out of a carpeting.
36:54They have a lot of bags that don't leak, a knife that'll cut through anything.
36:58I thought, do they think like mass murderers are up late at night,
37:02trying to clean up a crime scene?
37:04Then I thought I'm being crazy.
37:06But then I swear to you, at four in the morning, I saw an ad for a wood chipper.
37:12What maniac is up at four in the morning looking for bags that don't leak
37:15and a wood chipper?
37:17Why don't they just give a map of random vacant lots
37:19where you can bury dead bodies at?
37:23They just say things late at night.
37:25It's just they ask questions that no reasonable person's going to respond to.
37:29You shouldn't have to pay more just because you have bad credit.
37:37Well, I've had bad credit, and I like to believe that's true.
37:40Well, what person's going, you know, every time people give me money, I fuck them over.
37:45Now I need more money.
37:47Shouldn't I get a discount?
37:51And he sees the commercial, he's like, yeah, thank you.
37:55There's an ad for a law firm, Becker and Becker.
37:59They go, at Becker and Becker, we can't reverse your injuries,
38:03but we sure can get you a fair settlement.
38:06Okay, no shit.
38:08Who's calling to see if they could reverse the injuries?
38:12What guy's calling up with his wife in the other room?
38:15Honey, I'm going to call Becker and Becker.
38:17At this point, I guess all we can hope for is a fair settlement.
38:22Ask if they can reverse the injuries.
38:32Honey, I've got to be honest, and I love you, but that's a little unrealistic.
38:37I think we should just call to see if we can get a fair settlement.
38:40If it was your back, I would ask that.
38:43Why does everything have to be a fight?
38:49Hi, Becker and Becker?
38:51Yeah, can you, um...
38:54I was in a car accident, and I was just wondering if you could...
38:58Ask them!
39:01Could you reverse injuries?
39:04No.
39:05You can't reverse the injuries.
39:07Okay.
39:08No, they can't reverse the injuries, honey.
39:12Ask for the supervisor!
39:16You never know.
39:17Maybe the supervisor gets on.
39:19Sure, we can reverse the injuries.
39:23Thing they try to do late at night on TV is...
39:26They always ask you, are you tired of?
39:27They always have to sell a new product by crapping on the old product.
39:32Are you tired of old-fashioned mops?
39:36All right, shut up.
39:38Nobody's tired of old-fashioned mops.
39:41Who's walking around?
39:42I can't take these mops anymore!
39:45What's going on with our society today?
39:48Look at these mops!
39:50They're fucking archaic, honey!
39:53They try to talk you into it.
39:55Are you tired of old-fashioned mops?
39:57No?
39:59Yeah, but come on.
40:00Think about it.
40:01Could you...
40:02Like, you could leave them or take them, right?
40:04Yeah.
40:05Then you fuck them.
40:07Well, I didn't say that.
40:09I just...
40:10Yeah, but is a mop your favorite thing on a stick?
40:13No, a hot dog is.
40:15Then fuck mops!
40:17Yeah, you're right!
40:20Are you tired?
40:22Always trying to make you tired of it, you know?
40:24They have this other thing.
40:25It's for a thing you plug into the wall and it keeps bugs out of your house.
40:29Probably happens through a high-pitched sound.
40:31That's not good enough.
40:32They got to shit on the old way.
40:34Are you tired of exterminators coming into your house?
40:37Spraying poison on your children and food.
40:40If you're younger and you go to your guidance counselor and you go,
40:43You know what?
40:43I don't know what I want to do the rest of my life for a living.
40:46Why don't you tell me what you like to do?
40:48Then I could tell you what profession does that.
40:51You can?
40:52Shut the fuck up.
40:54Yeah.
40:55What do you like to do?
40:56I like to spray poison in baby's faces.
40:59Oh, you should be an exterminator.
41:00That's what they do.
41:01Yeah, they come into your house.
41:02They go, Hey, is that your baby?
41:04You go, Yeah.
41:04They go,
41:06Oh my God, you sprayed poison in my baby's face.
41:08That's how we get rid of bugs, lady.
41:10Don't be stupid.
41:13You notice they always have to have a dumb person in these infomercials?
41:17You know who they think that is?
41:18Us.
41:19They always have them.
41:21They know they can't go,
41:22Hey, we know you're dumb.
41:24So we're going to answer dumb questions you might ask.
41:27So they always have a dumb person in there.
41:29That represents who they think we are.
41:32In the magic bullet infomercial,
41:34they literally,
41:35they have the magic bullet and they have a woman.
41:37And she goes,
41:37Hold on a second.
41:38Man, you just crushed ice.
41:42Now you're grinding coffee.
41:43Now you're mixing up margaritas.
41:47All in that one thing.
41:49What is it?
41:51It's a blender, you stupid whore.
41:54They go,
41:54You can make a chicken salad sandwich in five seconds.
41:58Okay, first of all,
41:59No, you can't.
42:00No, you can't.
42:01Stop saying that.
42:03Chopped up chicken,
42:04some chopped up celery,
42:05some chopped up tomato.
42:06Yeah,
42:07But I don't have chopped up bowls of shit in my kitchen.
42:10I don't have an infomercial kitchen.
42:12They think they have to list everything a product can do.
42:17And this product will come along every so many years.
42:20Sometimes it's a waffle maker.
42:22It's an amazing waffle maker.
42:24Over here we have waffles with strawberries on them.
42:27Over here we're putting pineapples on our waffles.
42:30Yeah, I know you can put shit on waffles.
42:33Nobody comes over your house.
42:34Hey, can I put strawberries on these waffles?
42:36Ah, fuck.
42:37I wish you could.
42:39You're talking about the one on the infomercial.
42:41Nah, mine's only plain.
42:44I'm sorry.
42:45I wish you could.
42:46You know, it'd be great.
42:49ShamWoww is my favorite.
42:51The ShamWoww is the epitome of listing everything.
42:54The ShamWoww, they just,
42:56they think they got to list every single thing the product can do.
42:59It wipes up juice.
43:01It wipes up soda.
43:02It wipes up cola.
43:04It wipes up any type of beverages.
43:06Use it inside.
43:07Use it outside.
43:08Use it upstairs.
43:09Use it downstairs.
43:10The ShamWoww will be wiping up messes for years to come.
43:13Low pulp orange juice.
43:14Medium pulp orange juice.
43:16Extra pulp orange juice.
43:17All types of orange juice.
43:19Grapefruit juice.
43:20Mixed drinks.
43:20Vodka and soda.
43:21Rum and coke.
43:22All types of mixed drinks.
43:23Use it in your car.
43:24Use it in your RV.
43:25Use it in your boat.
43:26It'll wipe up anything.
43:28Anywhere.
43:28It'll wipe up on hardwood floors.
43:30Ginoleum floors.
43:31Dark hardwood.
43:32Stained hardwood.
43:33Any type of hardwood.
43:33Cement floors and more.
43:35What type of cat do you have?
43:36Do you have a Persian cat?
43:38Do you have an alley cat?
43:39Do you have a Himalayan cat?
43:40Do you have a Siamese cat?
43:41It'll wipe up the hair.
43:42Wipe off the hair off the sofa.
43:44Off the ottoman.
43:45Off the floor.
43:46Stop using lint brushes.
43:47If you wet them,
43:48oh, they're no good anymore.
43:51You could use it everywhere.
43:53Drop mustard packets on the floor.
43:55Wipe them up.
43:55Drop ketchup packets on the floor.
43:57Wipe them up.
43:57What type of dog do you have?
43:59Do you have a miniature pincher?
44:00A Doberman pincher?
44:01A schnauzer?
44:02Any type of dog.
44:03It'll wipe messes off the floor.
44:04That's right.
44:05Oh, my God.
44:06The dog peed on the rug.
44:07If you didn't have a chamoiselle,
44:08it gets right into the floorboards.
44:09Oh, my God.
44:10We have to sell the house and move.
44:12What are you going to do?
44:13Drop McDonald's food on the floor.
44:14Wipe it up.
44:15Drop Burger King on the floor.
44:16Wipe it up.
44:16Drop Taco Bell on the floor.
44:18Wipe it up.
44:18Anything.
44:19Hamburgers, chicken, chicken McNuggets,
44:21tenders, and everything more.
44:22Drop a slushie on the floor.
44:23Wipe it right up.
44:24Use it everywhere you go.
44:26Drop a grilled cheese sandwich on the floor.
44:27Wipe it up.
44:28Pepper Jack cheese, American cheese,
44:30white cheese, yellow cheese,
44:31Gouda cheese, any type of cheese at all.
44:34It'll wipe it right up.
44:35That's right.
44:36Right now, we'll send you 50 chamois
44:39and a free pair of scissors.
44:41You take those 50 chamois
44:43and cut them in half,
44:44and you'll have 100 chamois.
44:46That's right.
44:47Drop a chamois on the floor.
44:49Wipe it up with another chamois.
44:52Thank you, everybody.
44:53Good night.
44:59don't burn!
45:03Thank you very much.
45:05Don't burn!
45:18Thank you very much.
45:30Thank you very much, everybody.
45:32Good night.
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