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Short filmTranscript
00:15Ready?
00:21Hello.
00:23Renata, have you seen my smoothie?
00:26Renata, get the sheet mask and the cooling eye patches out of the freezer.
00:31Now!
00:32It should have been on her yesterday, for God's sakes.
00:36I trusted you.
00:38Oh, fuck-o-farm.
00:49Sir, sir.
00:50Excuse me.
00:51Oh, sorry.
00:51I know Steve's family are Gentiles, but we'll still get to lift you up in a chair.
00:55Barb says she can't afford a lawsuit right now.
00:57Oh.
00:57I know.
00:58Now, where are you?
01:00A little wedding gift?
01:01Oh my God, you shouldn't have.
01:02I should be getting you a present for making me look so fabulous.
01:05Thank you, that was so thoughtful.
01:06Um, open it.
01:07Now?
01:07Yes.
01:08Okay.
01:08You'll see.
01:09Oh my God.
01:10You're too much.
01:12Holy fuck!
01:13I know, right?
01:14Where did you find this?
01:15In my grubby old basement.
01:16Can you believe it?
01:17Oh my God, look at these babies.
01:19Oh, there's me.
01:20Look at your face.
01:21Voted most likely to end up in a Thai prison.
01:23End up in a Thai prison.
01:25And look at you now, owning your own company.
01:27It's so cool.
01:29All right.
01:30Oh, here we go.
01:31Sarah Horowitz voted most likely to be CEO of a global company, the profits of which she
01:38uses to save the world.
01:41Look at you.
01:43What are you up to now?
01:44Well, I mean, I'm getting married.
01:47Obviously.
01:47And?
01:49Well, my mom died.
01:51Oh my God, Rachel.
01:52I know.
01:53Well, she was Jewish, but thank you for that.
01:56No worries.
01:58It's been really tough.
01:59I'm so sorry.
02:00I'm so sorry to hear that.
02:01Hey, Michael.
02:02Yeah.
02:06Now?
02:07Yeah, it's been a wedding morning.
02:08Maureen, I got your girlfriend.
02:09Oh, thank fuck.
02:14Oh, hi.
02:15Oh, hi.
02:16Wow, you look so casual.
02:19Great to see you.
02:20I'm just gonna go see Sarah.
02:21Sarah.
02:24What's wrong?
02:27We can't let this go ahead.
02:30Sarah doesn't love him.
02:33I know.
02:34But, like, you don't want to interfere, so what do you do, right?
02:37Sally!
02:38Get it together, okay?
02:42Oh, Mapushka.
02:44Oh, you're emotional.
02:46I know.
02:47Best day of our lives.
02:51Excuse me.
02:52Oh, Jesus.
02:54Thank you for this.
02:59Hey.
03:00Look at the hair.
03:01It's good, right?
03:03Suki?
03:04Maximum setting.
03:08Smells like a brewery in here.
03:10Yes.
03:20Oh.
03:23Oh!
03:28Oh!
03:30Oh!
03:31Oh!
03:32Oh!
03:34Oh!
03:36Oh!
03:37Oh!
03:38Oh!
03:38Oh, my God.
04:08Oh, my God.
04:16Sarah?
04:18Sarah.
04:20Wow, you look amazing.
04:23Back away from the hair.
04:24So, why aren't you dressed?
04:26I just need to talk to Sarah.
04:27No, no. Sarah needs her time alone.
04:30Thank you. Let's go.
04:32I'm coming back.
04:33What can I say? I'm a genius.
04:35I'll see you out there.
04:44Thank you for coming. I appreciate it.
04:47Real pleasure.
04:50Jimmy.
04:51Jimmy.
04:52Father of the bride.
04:54Sorry, I have a little tinnitus.
04:56Sarah's my daughter.
04:59Your daughter, but...
05:00So, this is the, uh, this is what we're married into.
05:04Nice.
05:05Well, I thought Sarah's dad was dead.
05:07Well, looky here.
05:09I'm a walking miracle.
05:13Oh, is he a wedding crusher or something?
05:15I don't know, but I should probably...
05:18I don't know.
05:19I think that might have been one of Susie's crazy uncles.
05:22So, I'm just going to go and check it out.
05:36There you are.
05:38You're like a princess.
05:40I've come to walk my little girl down the aisle.
05:49I told them that you're dead.
05:58Look at you.
06:01You're a mess.
06:03I thought you could get away from me, but you can't.
06:07You are me.
06:10Sarah, I'm sorry.
06:11I should have said this before, but it's not too late.
06:17What the fuck?
06:20Susie.
06:21Susie.
06:21Susie.
06:22I have to...
06:23What are you doing?
06:25You've missed your cue.
06:28You two should be walking now.
06:32Who is this person?
06:34This is...
06:34Jimmy.
06:35Well, whoever you are, you need to take your seats, for God's sakes.
06:40They need to go.
06:43You're not ruining this day for me.
06:46You will go out there and smile.
06:50Now walk.
06:51Walk.
06:53Walk.
07:05Walk.
07:16Walk.
07:39You may now be seated.
07:42Welcome, friends and family.
07:54Welcome, friends and family, to this very, very special day.
07:58We are here to celebrate love, belonging, and finding your person.
08:04And look at these two beautiful people.
08:08And now, as an appetizer or amuse-bouche,
08:12as we say in Paris, we have Sarah's sister, Suze,
08:18who's, yeah, going to read a poem all the way from the Emerald Isle.
08:22Yeah.
08:24Oh, my God, what is this?
08:29Oh, hello.
08:31Hello.
08:33This is The Facts of Life by Horek O'Tuma.
08:39That you were born and you will die.
08:45That you will sometimes love enough and sometimes not.
08:52That you will lie, if only to yourself.
08:57That you'll get tired.
09:00That you'll learn most from the situations you did not choose.
09:05That you began as the fusion of a sperm and an egg of two people who once were strangers
09:12and may still well be.
09:17That you'll probably be okay.
09:19That you must accept change before you die, but you will die anyway.
09:26So you might as well live.
09:28And you might as well love.
09:32You might as well love.
09:44Oh, that was very Irish.
09:50Oh, let's keep some of those happy tears in there for the vows.
09:54So, okay, now, it's tradition to ask if anyone here objects to these two people spending the
10:05rest of their lives together.
10:06Uh-oh.
10:07Oh.
10:08Please speak now or forever hold your peace.
10:18Oh, ah, just kidding.
10:21Woo!
10:22Let's get this party started.
10:25Aw.
10:26So cute.
10:27Okay.
10:28Steve and Sarah, you may now say your vows.
10:37You okay?
10:39Never better.
10:40You are me.
10:45I stand before you, Sarah.
10:49Sarah, and I know just one thing.
10:51I want to be your husband.
10:54Sarah, you are my best friend, my lover, my partner in crime, or my Josephine to my Napoleon.
11:05And I cannot wait for all the adventures that we'll have together.
11:10You are my beautiful rock.
11:12Uh, um, wait.
11:15I'm sorry.
11:16Uh, sorry.
11:17You are beautiful, and you are my rock.
11:21Sorry.
11:22Aw.
11:24Thank you, Steve.
11:26Sarah?
11:27Oh, that was really beautiful.
11:30Okay.
11:34You are my rock.
11:36Rock.
11:38Rock.
11:40Rock.
11:40Cocksucker.
11:42Sorry.
11:43That was...
11:45Okay.
11:46Nope.
11:47I can do this.
11:49Oh, sorry.
11:52Steve.
11:54You are my...
11:58Cocksucker.
12:03I can do this.
12:04I can.
12:05What is happening?
12:06I don't know.
12:06I just...
12:07Actually, I think I need to breathe.
12:08What?
12:09Yeah.
12:09I think I just...
12:10It's okay.
12:10Okay.
12:11Why don't we take a little break, and we'll get the bride some water.
12:15I just can't.
12:16I can't make my boots off.
12:17I have to take them off.
12:19Now?
12:19Yeah.
12:20We need to get it off.
12:21Just pull from the heel.
12:23Oh.
12:24Oh, my God.
12:24He'll pull harder.
12:25Oh, thanks.
12:27Fuck.
12:27Oh, hang on.
12:28There's another one.
12:29Why are there always two?
12:31Hey, come in pair.
12:32I have to get it off.
12:34Please.
12:35Please get up.
12:36Okay?
12:36Hee-haw.
12:38Hee-haw.
12:40That's...
12:40That's what you sound like.
12:44That was super mean.
12:46Oh, no.
12:48Oh, I'm doing you a favor.
12:51Yeah.
12:52We need someone who can...
12:55Ski.
12:58Honey, is this white?
12:59Yes, it's white.
13:00It is.
13:01That's what I said.
13:02There we go.
13:03It's white.
13:04I mean, this is white, right?
13:07I just have to stop to say one thing.
13:09I was going to be a CEO of something.
13:14I just...
13:15Oh, my God.
13:16I just...
13:17I want this dress off.
13:18Get it off!
13:20I want it off!
13:21Just get it off!
13:22Rip that dress.
13:23Yes, I will kill you.
13:24We'll talk about this later.
13:26Now, get on with it.
13:27Barb.
13:28I forgot to tap.
13:30Oh!
13:30We need to stop.
13:31Because I forgot to tap!
13:34Where's the queen?
13:34We need a miracle.
13:35No, no, no, no.
13:35What did you do to her?
13:37What did you do?
13:38Tap, tap, tap, tap.
13:39Tippity, tap, tap.
13:41Tap, tap, tap.
13:43Tap, tap, tap.
13:43To tippity, tap, tap, tap.
13:44Tap, tap, tap.
13:46To tippity, tappity, tap, tap, tap.
13:48Sarah...
13:49You're okay.
13:50You're all...
13:51Liars.
13:53Liars!
13:56I'm a liar, too.
13:58Sarah.
13:59Sarah, it's okay.
14:00We're gonna get out of here.
14:01But she's honest.
14:02I mean, okay, she smokes.
14:05But, she's honest.
14:06And I want to be honest, too.
14:10Yeah, I want to show you all who I really am.
14:14Oh, we see who you are, and it is a miracle to behold.
14:17The first thing I learned in the AA is that addiction is never the fault of the others.
14:22Oh, you shut your cup, Jimmy. Oh, sorry, Paps.
14:25Who the hell is that guy?
14:26Our dad. Not dead.
14:29What?
14:29And I am not you.
14:36Oh, God, Sarah. Sarah! Fuck!
14:39What did you take?
14:40I don't know, Olivia.
14:42Oh, my God, what? How many?
14:43A lot.
14:43How many is a lot?
14:45A lot, a lot.
14:46Fuck!
14:47Okay, we've got to come out. Come on, come on.
15:01Call a doctor! Hello?
15:03He's overrun.
15:05How many?
15:08When I get down on my knees on that our French Vince your name the price I got to be
15:17I now, and, you, I moved on to me, baby, you, please
15:24I never sacrificed myself today
15:27Yeah yeah yeah
15:30You know what I want to do
15:33You know what I need to
15:35You're in my sense for a person
15:37Yeah, you're in my sense for a person
15:40Yeah, yeah
16:23I don't want to
16:56I'm in love with you
16:58But it's all right
17:01I fall in love nearly every night
17:05And it fills up my heart
17:08Till I can't keep it in
17:14Thank God!
17:16If I save again
17:18I'm in love with you
17:21But it's okay
17:23Oh, face is only a mother could love
17:26Every day
17:28I'm in love with you
17:30I'm in love with you
17:33To be taught
17:36And with every good poet I haven't made
17:41Cause loving is easy
17:43It's taking a breath
17:46I do it all day
17:48Till the day of my death
17:50I don't want to own you
17:53You don't have to stay
17:56Just as long as I've known you
17:59I wanted to say
18:00Cause I'm in love with you, honey
18:03But don't be afraid
18:05I fell in love with the love that we made
18:10But it's none of my business
18:13If you could love me
18:18You don't have to earn it
18:21I'm giving it free
18:26Why are you looking at me like that?
18:28I'm not dead
18:29Not yet
18:32I've been thinking about it
18:35I think you should take my eggs
18:38Are you still high on the meds?
18:40No
18:41I mean, yeah
18:42But I'm serious
18:44Well
18:44You should think about it
18:46You want me to take your eggs?
18:49I mean it
18:50They're just gonna get thrown away
18:53Oh my god
18:55Well, and there'll be a little one of you running around?
18:58Yeah, last thing the world needs
19:00I'm serious though
19:02Think about it
19:04It's a pretty good offer for a girl like you
19:07Oh my god
19:11Your egg
19:14And a stranger's sperm
19:15Well, I came from a stranger
19:18And it brought me to you
19:21Oh
19:24Will you help me raise a baby?
19:25No fucking chance
19:30Auntie Sarah
19:32I can live with that
19:37I can live with it
19:39Oh my god
19:40Oh
19:44Oh my god
19:47Yeah
19:47Oh my god
19:50Oh my god
19:50Bye
19:51Bye
19:51Bye
19:51Bye
20:53I know, this is fucking infection, but I feel so much better.
20:57That's a few situations.
20:59I haven't gone.
21:00I've got a hemorrhoid the size of a golf ball.
21:02I'm not releasing if I'm lucky.
21:04Are you pregnant yet?
21:06So now, I've got to wait two weeks.
21:09Two fucking weeks.
21:11Two weeks?
21:12Oh, man.
21:15Hey, you got a pullout in that new place?
21:17I barely have a bed.
21:19Well, looks like I'm sleeping with you then.
21:22Huh?
21:23I might have booked a flight to come and see you.
21:25Oh, I thought you were broke.
21:28Yeah, well, there were a couple of engagement rings kicking around.
21:31Oops.
22:02You
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