- 2 days ago
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TVTranscript
00:00:00Welcome, dudes and doodads, to the Million Dollar Drive-In Theater.
00:00:19The only theater to support million dollar films.
00:00:23Tonight, we have a special treat for you all.
00:00:25That's right, it's Llamageddon!
00:00:27So stay tuned to 69.9 a.m. and don't forget to take advantage of that free pop thing.
00:00:41Can I have some popcorn?
00:00:42Sure.
00:00:45Not any chocolate?
00:00:46Not one single bar, bro.
00:00:50Max.
00:00:51Do you have a restroom?
00:00:52It's around back, man.
00:00:55Popcorn, please.
00:00:56Yeah, sure, man.
00:01:15What the fuck?
00:01:17You want some popcorn?
00:01:18No, not now.
00:01:20Okay.
00:01:21What do you think, Morgan?
00:01:22Think it'll be a good movie?
00:01:24Probably not.
00:01:29Well, I'm gonna go first, man.
00:01:31What's up, Rick, kid?
00:01:35Come on, come on.
00:01:36Please.
00:01:38Come on, man.
00:01:39Come on, man.
00:01:40I gotta go.
00:01:41Please.
00:01:42There's one.
00:01:43No, I have to.
00:01:48Get your lights and turn up your radio, because the movie is about to begin.
00:01:52It's about to begin.
00:02:10Ma'am.
00:02:12Have you seen a boat again?
00:02:14Oh, what's that smell?
00:02:34Here you go, man. Enjoy the movie.
00:02:36I always do.
00:02:44Did someone just blow up your porta potty?
00:02:48Yeah, that's what they're there for.
00:02:52Enjoy the movie, man.
00:02:58Don't you think these llamas are scary?
00:03:00They're not scary.
00:03:02Just you wait, girl.
00:03:04Just you wait.
00:03:10Oh, that was amazing.
00:03:12Can you hear me that letter?
00:03:14Oh, yeah.
00:03:18No problemo.
00:03:22Hey, turn off your lights!
00:03:24Your lights!
00:03:26What's this guy's problem?
00:03:28Huh?
00:03:32That boy doesn't smoke himself silly.
00:03:36Alpaca?
00:03:38Alpaca?
00:03:40I'll pack a bowl.
00:03:46Alpaca!
00:03:54What? That was the best part of the movie!
00:03:56Alpaca!
00:03:58What?
00:04:00Alpaca!
00:04:02Alpaca!
00:04:04Alpaca!
00:04:06Alpaca!
00:04:08Alpaca!
00:04:10Alpaca!
00:04:12Alpaca!
00:04:14Alpaca!
00:04:16Alpaca!
00:04:18Alpaca!
00:04:20Alpaca!
00:04:22Alpaca!
00:04:24Oh, my God.
00:04:54Oh, my God.
00:05:24Oh, my God.
00:05:54Oh, my God.
00:05:57Oh, my God.
00:06:02Oh, my God.
00:06:04Oh, my God.
00:06:06Oh, my God.
00:06:19Help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me,
00:06:49Hello, please.
00:07:10Yeah, there are alpacas outside, and they're killing people!
00:07:16Hello?
00:07:17Hello, hello, hello, hello?
00:07:19No!
00:07:21No!
00:07:26No!
00:07:27No!
00:07:32No!
00:07:33Nobody!
00:07:35No!
00:10:39Mommy, Mommy, what's this?
00:10:47Santa's going to put you on the naughty list.
00:10:51I am the naughty list.
00:10:52He's a mean man alone, baby.
00:10:56He's a mean man alone, baby.
00:10:58God damn it, Mural, what's wrong with you?
00:11:14The stand is a what?
00:11:17Get in here.
00:11:19Get in here.
00:11:21I am the naughty pair.
00:11:25He's a Elliott.
00:11:27He's a little baby.
00:11:29He's a little baby.
00:11:30He's a little baby.
00:11:31He's a little baby.
00:11:33He's a little baby.
00:11:34The Alpaca Institute of Advanced Technologies and Accessories.
00:12:04I like to buy our alpacas.
00:12:09Top dollar for healthy animals.
00:12:13Hey.
00:12:18It is so cold in here. Is the heat off?
00:12:22Well, it's not that cold in here.
00:12:25Honey, you're wearing two sweaters.
00:12:29Sorry. I was just trying to save some money.
00:12:33Figures.
00:12:35Where's your jacket?
00:12:36I don't know.
00:12:38Mary, uh, will you take a look at this?
00:12:43Advanced research towards the cure of cancer.
00:12:46What? They want to buy our alpacas?
00:12:50Looks like it. What do you think?
00:12:53I don't know. What do they even want them for?
00:12:56I guess science?
00:12:59I think that would just break her heart.
00:13:02We're about to have the power shut off and no money to give her a good Christmas.
00:13:11I hate to say it, but I think we're out of options.
00:13:16There's always a way. You know that.
00:13:18If we don't sell them and lose the house, then I know we'll look back and say this was the way.
00:13:27Oh, I hate this. They're so cute.
00:13:32I know. I know. At least this way they'll be safe.
00:13:37And who knows? Maybe we can buy them back.
00:13:39Especially if I land that business job out west.
00:13:42How are we going to tell Joanie?
00:13:44Tell me what, Mommy?
00:13:46Well, Joanie, you know how you hate picking up alpaca poop?
00:13:50Yeah! Ew!
00:13:52You're never going to have to do it again.
00:13:54Yay!
00:13:55See? Not that hard.
00:13:57You know that's not going to work.
00:14:00I know.
00:14:02Listen up. I'll take care of this. She doesn't need to see it.
00:14:06She deserves to say goodbye.
00:14:08What are you having, Meryl?
00:14:16Bourbon.
00:14:29And a coffee?
00:14:30If you're offering.
00:14:33Oh, my gosh, Meryl. You keep drinking like that, you are going to keep drinking.
00:14:37What do I die?
00:14:43No talk like that in here.
00:14:47What's got you in such a humbug?
00:14:51Don't you like Christmas?
00:14:54Yeah.
00:14:56I did.
00:14:58I know, baby. We're going to miss them, too.
00:15:14No, you won't. Then if you would, you would keep them. Mama, they're my friends.
00:15:19Yeah, I know.
00:15:21I'm sorry.
00:15:24We just, we just don't have a choice.
00:15:26Mama, could we please keep them?
00:15:28I love them.
00:15:30It's not goodbye forever, baby.
00:15:32Just for a little while.
00:15:35It's time to go.
00:15:37Say your, see you later, alpaca later.
00:15:42Goodbye, Chester.
00:15:43Goodbye, Chester.
00:15:44Goodbye, Chester.
00:15:45I love you, Jennifer Robinson.
00:15:47How about you take her to Santa's village in town and take her line home?
00:16:03When the deed is done, I'll run by the bank and pick up dinner.
00:16:11Maybe after a little while, she's still worked up right now.
00:16:14I should probably let her calm down just a little bit.
00:16:19Yeah.
00:16:20This is only going to be temporary.
00:16:22I love you, Mary.
00:16:23I love you, too.
00:16:25What can I get you festive boys?
00:16:40Some hot cocoa?
00:16:41No, no thanks.
00:16:43We'll save that for a second.
00:16:44We're naughty elves today.
00:16:46All right then, join us these days.
00:16:49Happy hour summer.
00:16:50Happy hour.
00:16:51Hey.
00:16:52Hey.
00:16:53Hey.
00:16:54We'll do that, yeah.
00:16:56Will Santa be joining us?
00:16:58No.
00:16:59Shame, too.
00:17:00Fat man always pays our tab.
00:17:02Quarantine in the North Pole.
00:17:04Sucks.
00:17:05We all had a gig today, Chester.
00:17:07What do you mean you had a gig?
00:17:09We were supposed to have a photo shoot.
00:17:11It was going to be us, the reindeer, Santa, Sleigh, the whole shebang.
00:17:17Shame.
00:17:18I bet you there was a lot of disappointing kids.
00:17:21All the kids.
00:17:22They're not going to get to talk to Santa.
00:17:24Lost in the mail.
00:17:25Whatever.
00:17:26Well, why don't you just get someone else?
00:17:29Uh, yeah.
00:17:30We'd love to.
00:17:31Last year, the tips alone covered all my Christmas buds.
00:17:34I mean buddies.
00:17:35Uh, Christmas buddies presents.
00:17:37I mean, how many grandpas do you know of reindeer?
00:17:39Hey, Merle.
00:17:41You got any reindeer?
00:17:44I have alpacas.
00:17:47You were a favorite.
00:17:49How's that work?
00:17:50Alpacas are cute.
00:17:51Fuck it.
00:17:53What's the worst that could happen?
00:17:55Here.
00:17:56Merle, you want to be Santa Claus?
00:17:58No.
00:17:59No, I don't.
00:18:00I don't.
00:18:01I don't.
00:18:02I don't.
00:18:03I don't.
00:18:04I don't.
00:18:05I don't.
00:18:06I don't.
00:18:07I don't.
00:18:08I don't.
00:18:09I don't.
00:18:10I don't.
00:18:11I don't.
00:18:12I don't.
00:18:13I don't.
00:18:14I don't.
00:18:15I don't.
00:18:16No.
00:18:17No.
00:18:18No, I don't.
00:18:19We tried.
00:18:20Let me talk to him.
00:18:21Come on, Merle.
00:18:22Do a good deed.
00:18:23You might not have many chances.
00:18:25Wouldn't that be a blessing?
00:18:26Ha.
00:18:27Ha.
00:18:28Ha.
00:18:29Ha.
00:18:30Ha.
00:18:31Ha.
00:18:32Ha.
00:18:33Ha.
00:18:34Ha.
00:18:35Ha.
00:18:36Ha.
00:18:37Ha.
00:18:38Ha.
00:18:39Ha.
00:18:40Ha.
00:18:41Ha.
00:18:42Ha.
00:18:43Ha.
00:18:44Ha.
00:18:45Ha.
00:18:46Do it for me.
00:18:47Do it for the kids.
00:18:52How long will it take?
00:18:53Four hours?
00:18:55Five tops.
00:19:02Well, I can't say no to you.
00:19:06Nope.
00:19:07Don't even think about it.
00:19:08You're going to be around a lot of kids today and you've already had enough.
00:19:11Wait a minute.
00:19:13That ain't part of the deal.
00:19:14They don't need a drunk Santa.
00:19:16They need a jolly Santa.
00:19:17This is a special time of the year for these kids.
00:19:20Everyone knows that Santa is...
00:19:23Don't you dare ruin the magic of Santa.
00:19:26When you put on that suit, you better leave all your bitterness behind and you better become the Santa that you've always believed in.
00:19:34Do you hear me?
00:19:35I understand.
00:19:36I understand.
00:19:37I understand.
00:19:40I understand.
00:19:41I understand.
00:19:42I understand.
00:19:44I understand.
00:19:45Hello, so glad you could make it.
00:20:12Yeah, nice facilities you have here.
00:20:15Hey! I thought I told you damn kids to get the hell out of here!
00:20:20Screw you, science nerd!
00:20:26Sorry about that. Please, follow me.
00:20:40So, uh, what kind of research y'all doing in here anyhow?
00:20:44Top-of-the-line research.
00:20:46That's fine.
00:20:48Truly.
00:20:49Did you know that alpacas and llamas are the only mammals impervious to cancer?
00:20:55Huh.
00:20:57It's almost ready, Doctor.
00:21:02Excellent.
00:21:03Perfect.
00:21:05The secret to curing cancer, and solving many of the world's major problems, lies within their DNA. Isn't that right, Professor?
00:21:18Absolutely.
00:21:19Right.
00:21:20Well, is there anything I need to sign, or am I good to go?
00:21:27No, no. Nothing like that.
00:21:29You can just, uh, leave them with me. Here is your money.
00:21:34Alright.
00:21:35Um, do take care of them, please. They're, uh, very important to my family.
00:21:41Of course. They're in very educated hands here.
00:21:46Okay. Uh, just back the way I came?
00:21:51Yep. Head on out.
00:21:53Thanks.
00:21:57Good luck.
00:21:58Thank you. You too.
00:22:00You too.
00:22:09What other secrets are you hiding in there?
00:22:30I'm driving. Let's get to Santa's Village.
00:22:34Let's do it, man.
00:22:36Yo, you said you got alpacas.
00:22:38That's pretty dope.
00:22:39What part of town do you live?
00:22:42Bursa. Bursa.
00:22:47What are you having?
00:22:49Something to drown my soul.
00:22:51One of those days, huh?
00:22:53One of those lives.
00:23:00Oh.
00:23:09And when did Christmas get so expensive anyway?
00:23:13First I had to sell alpacas to keep the heat on.
00:23:17And if you don't spend a month's worth of wages on your family,
00:23:21give them a good Christmas, you're a piece of shit.
00:23:24What happened to, what happened to giving a card and eating an orange anyway?
00:23:28Huh?
00:23:33Now this.
00:23:35We're gonna go see Santa Claus when we come.
00:23:45Please forgive me.
00:23:49With this, the DNA will begin to synthesize.
00:23:59Amazing.
00:24:01We need more.
00:24:09Amazing.
00:24:11Your methods are gonna change the world.
00:24:14So.
00:24:20Where's your lab coat?
00:24:22When you science on my level, you don't need a lab coat.
00:24:26Hmm.
00:24:28Understood.
00:24:30We can't have an incident like we had last time.
00:24:33I know.
00:24:34I'm gonna keep a close eye on this project.
00:24:36This type of science can go south real quick.
00:24:40Well, keep me posted.
00:24:42I'll need to inform Washington.
00:24:44Will do.
00:24:53Hello?
00:24:54Give me one more.
00:24:57Give me one more.
00:25:00Me!
00:25:03Oh!
00:25:04What do you want?
00:25:08Joseph Bell speaking.
00:25:09Joseph Bell speaking.
00:25:14Yes.
00:25:16How are you?
00:25:17Very good, thanks.
00:25:18Yeah.
00:25:20Absolutely.
00:25:22After the holidays?
00:25:24That works great.
00:25:26Yes, thank you.
00:25:27Merry Christmas to you, too.
00:25:31What's got you all excited?
00:25:34I just got a goddamn million-dollar business job.
00:25:37What? Are you serious?
00:25:39Very serious. It's a Christmas miracle.
00:25:42I can buy back the old pack.
00:25:44You know what else would be a Christmas miracle?
00:25:50Oh.
00:25:51I'm sorry. I'm married.
00:25:55Thanks, though.
00:25:59Merry Christmas.
00:26:02Hey, Max, I got your million-dollar miracle right here!
00:26:05You just shut your mouth down there!
00:26:07Yeah, I'm sorry!
00:26:08Please don't tell my mom about that!
00:26:19Professor, I'm going to have you administer the solution.
00:26:23Absolutely.
00:26:26Come on now, you alpaca.
00:26:28Take your nom-noms.
00:26:29Do you want this as a suppository?
00:26:40That's a good alpaca.
00:26:43These nom-noms will make you oh-so-very special.
00:26:47And more strong than anyone could have ever imagined.
00:26:50You'll all bring about the dawn of a new age.
00:26:55Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:26:57Jesus Christ, guys!
00:26:59What in the world are you doing?
00:27:01I thought we made it very clear that this shit wasn't going to fly.
00:27:04Especially after the last incident.
00:27:07I'm going to have both your jobs for this.
00:27:09It won't matter after tonight.
00:27:11This is the beginning of a new era.
00:27:16An age of science and wool.
00:27:20What the fuck are you talking about?
00:27:23We've unlocked their true potential.
00:27:26They will no longer be in service to man.
00:27:29But rather, man will be in service to their will.
00:27:33These creatures' desires will come to fruition.
00:27:37They will be able to manipulate,
00:27:39maneuver, and manifest matter in their will.
00:27:42All of those that doubted us
00:27:44will have a leconing.
00:27:48My god!
00:27:50You both are batshit crazy!
00:27:52And you are inferior to our science.
00:27:57Obsolete.
00:27:59Behind the curve.
00:28:02The world will never be the same due to us.
00:28:06Wool-y terror will rain down from the heavens.
00:28:10We shall give you the alpaca-lips!
00:28:14Ha ha ha ha ha!
00:28:16Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
00:28:19Okay, I mean, I'm done.
00:28:22All right, well, I'm going to have to report this to the director.
00:28:25Aaaaaaaaw.
00:28:36Call me!
00:28:37Help!
00:28:37Help!
00:28:38No!
00:28:39No!
00:28:40No!
00:28:41We've made you!
00:28:41Come!
00:28:42We've made you a god!
00:28:46Be careful what you wish for, Professor.
00:28:52There's something wrong with that fluffing alpaca.
00:29:07All right, let's go.
00:29:37Come on Santa, come on.
00:29:44There you go, there you go.
00:29:48Whatever I've done is very good.
00:29:52Huh?
00:29:53What?
00:29:54What?
00:29:55What is this?
00:29:56No.
00:29:57Hell no.
00:29:58Get your hands out of here.
00:30:00This is a Black Santa story.
00:30:03This is more like it.
00:30:05Ho, ho, ho.
00:30:08Ho, ho, ho.
00:30:10That's better.
00:30:15That's better.
00:30:16What kind of bullshit Christmas story have I got in my head?
00:30:22We're setting up for the children at Santa's Village.
00:30:29Ho, ho, ho, fellas.
00:30:32Damn, Merle, you clean up well.
00:30:33Hell yeah, you do.
00:30:34Look at you with all that holiday cheer.
00:30:35Well, thank you, fellas.
00:30:36Now Santa's gonna teach you a little trick.
00:30:39Apples.
00:30:40All you've got to do is show them some love and they will do the same.
00:30:46Believe you me, we need to get started.
00:30:47The children are arriving.
00:30:48What kind of shitty ass Santa set up was that?
00:30:49What?
00:30:50I don't know.
00:30:51I don't know.
00:30:52I don't know.
00:30:53I don't know.
00:30:54I don't know.
00:30:55I don't know.
00:30:56I don't know.
00:30:57I don't know.
00:30:58I don't know.
00:30:59I don't know.
00:31:00I don't know.
00:31:01I don't know.
00:31:02I don't know.
00:31:03I don't know.
00:31:04I don't know.
00:31:05I don't know.
00:31:06I don't know.
00:31:07I don't know.
00:31:08I'm not the way to get started.
00:31:09Are you supposed to be on the way to do that?
00:31:10If you are done, you know what I'm doing?
00:31:11I don't know if we need to do that.
00:31:12What?
00:31:13I don't know if we need to get started.
00:31:14The children are arriving.
00:31:15What kind of shitty ass Santa's setup was that?
00:31:18But what?
00:31:19I'm, I'm not, I'm not nearly high enough.
00:31:21We need more of this shit.
00:31:22Ah ha.
00:31:23Here, here we go.
00:31:24This second act is really gonna blast off.
00:31:26Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:31:30Man, that smells like the back end of an alpaca's ass.
00:31:43What else we got here?
00:31:46Kids?
00:31:47Nah.
00:31:48Santa's got the munchies.
00:31:57That was the sweetest head I've ever had.
00:32:00I'll eat that ass for later.
00:32:05What's next?
00:32:07So unbeknown to me, a tale of terror was unfolding.
00:32:12How the shit is that?
00:32:14You work with me, I'll work with you.
00:32:16Be okay, alright?
00:32:20You've been a good boy this year.
00:32:21I appreciate you helping us out.
00:32:23It's gonna be alright.
00:32:25I appreciate you being so cooperative with us this season.
00:32:31I know it's cold out.
00:32:34Times are looking tough, but we'll take a little bit off here.
00:32:39We'll be done for the year, alright?
00:32:42Alright, bud.
00:32:44I know it's cold out.
00:32:46I appreciate what you're doing for us.
00:32:49Take a little bit more off.
00:32:52Should be good for the year.
00:32:54Let's go.
00:32:55There you go.
00:32:56There you go.
00:32:57There you go.
00:32:58There you go.
00:32:59There you go.
00:33:00There you go.
00:33:01There you go.
00:33:02There you go.
00:33:03There you go.
00:33:04There you go.
00:33:05There you go.
00:33:06There you go.
00:33:07There you go.
00:33:08There you go.
00:33:09There you go.
00:33:10There you go.
00:33:11There you go.
00:33:12There you go.
00:33:13There you go.
00:33:14There you go.
00:33:15There you go.
00:33:16There you go.
00:33:17There you go.
00:33:18There you go.
00:33:19There you go.
00:33:20There you go.
00:33:21There you go.
00:33:22There you go.
00:33:23There you go.
00:33:24Oh!
00:33:26Oh!
00:33:32Oh!
00:33:33Oh!
00:33:35Ah!
00:33:37Ah!
00:33:38Oh!
00:33:39Ah!
00:33:45Ah!
00:33:45Ah!
00:33:48Ah, ah, ah!
00:33:51Ah!
00:33:52Jesus, was that alpaca wearing his skin?
00:34:17Who wrote this?
00:34:19What kind of fucked up, flewed up Christmas story are we watching anyhow?
00:34:26It doesn't matter, because what happens next will change my life forever when I met her.
00:34:33Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
00:34:37And what would you like for Christmas, my precious child?
00:34:41I didn't know Santa had alpaca.
00:34:44Santa has many animals, not just reindeer.
00:34:47The reindeer is simply resting at the North Pole until Christmas.
00:34:51I used to have alpacas. I miss them.
00:34:54I wish I could see them again.
00:34:56I, too, understand your pain. I have lost someone who I have loved.
00:35:03The only thing you can do is cherish the ones that you have loved.
00:35:09Some say, to set them free. And if they return to you, it was meant to be.
00:35:19They weren't set free. They were sold. They're not coming back.
00:35:24Santa's gonna make sure that you have a wonderful Christmas.
00:35:28You promise?
00:35:29I promise.
00:35:30You promise?
00:35:31I promise.
00:35:43Yeah!
00:35:45Jesus Christ, have mercy.
00:35:47You won't find that here.
00:35:52What happened?
00:35:57Bad signs.
00:36:02I fear the world. I'll suffer.
00:36:04It's okay. I'm gonna get you some help.
00:36:06No, no, no. There's no time for me.
00:36:10What are you talking about?
00:36:13The alpacas.
00:36:15They're changing.
00:36:21They're monsters.
00:36:25They must be warned.
00:36:27Who needs to be warned?
00:36:30Everyone.
00:36:40They must be warned.
00:36:42They're off.
00:36:43We might be warned.
00:36:45They can do what they're told too.
00:36:47They're monsters too.
00:36:51I cannot escape.
00:36:52They lose control due to the woofer.
00:36:54Sometimes they need to be defeated.
00:36:57You have no, I must'veÃ
00:37:03be with a woe,
00:37:05should they CONFUSES'?
00:37:06not a bad haul yeah I'm starting to think these alpacas bring in more than those damn reindeer
00:37:26yeah everybody loves all this Instagrammable stuff plus the girls are hella cute and soft
00:37:32so soft I know right dude dude we should do alpacas dude that's a good idea ha ha ha all right
00:37:43do you have fun with Santa today baby yes good
00:37:47mama look it's Chester mama look that's not Chester honey that's probably one of Santa's alpacas
00:37:58no it is you get back here right now Apple day keeps the doctor away just call me Danny Appleseed
00:38:07ah that's stupid I like it yeah you're right don't scare mama like that you cannot run off
00:38:16like that but Chester honey Chester's gone I know it's hard but I promise when you're older
00:38:23you'll understand okay
00:38:24okay honey it's time to get to the car now
00:38:53go go
00:39:21girl that is nothing compared to my last show at the sodomite saloon I was miss mayo you look
00:39:46like like a miss mayonnaise oh not to be confused with my daddy mr. miracle whip he was light on the
00:39:55fat and heavy on the flavor no one's gonna confuse me with that dill pickle of a man you can say that
00:40:01again oh god Jesus this show again I hope we make more money this time girl you got that right that
00:40:10light bill is due and I need all the tips I can get well luckily you look better in the dark oh that's not what your brother said
00:40:18oh Jesus what the fuck is that a llama now I may have went to public school but that's an alpaca and look at its hair
00:40:32hair it's better than mine is that a mullet it's so fluffy I want to touch it girl be careful
00:40:42oh my god hey that's not how to treat a lady
00:40:58ain't she double hockey stick is all this noise I'm gonna watch the game
00:41:18oh my god
00:41:25oh my god
00:41:31oh my god
00:41:37oh my god
00:41:42Why, you holy doth!
00:42:12No, no, we don't serve your furry kind in here.
00:42:23What do you mean, furry kind?
00:42:25Not you, for fuck's sake.
00:42:27What's wrong with that?
00:42:32Um, I was expecting guys in here, not alpacas.
00:42:35I mean, we've seen worse.
00:42:37That's very true. At least he has a nice haircut.
00:42:39Whose animal is this, anyway?
00:42:41I don't fucking know.
00:42:58Everything is gonna be alright, I promise, I promise.
00:43:01Merle, what the hell is going on?
00:43:04You mean Santa.
00:43:06Watch, watch your language around this child.
00:43:09This child has witnessed enough grief, do you understand?
00:43:13Yeah, sorry, you want us to do.
00:43:16Take us back to my house.
00:43:18We'll figure it out.
00:43:20Whoa, careful, dude.
00:43:21We lost the trailer?
00:43:22Crap.
00:43:23I'll go, I'll turn around and get it.
00:43:25Well, there's nothing we can do about it now.
00:43:27Well, there's nothing we can do about it now.
00:43:34Well, there's nothing we can do about it now.
00:43:39Huh?
00:43:41Huh?
00:43:54Oh, my God.
00:44:24Oh, my God.
00:44:54Damn, Merle.
00:44:59I didn't notice all these Christmas lights.
00:45:01I suspect there's a lot you don't notice.
00:45:07I want you inside.
00:45:09Use my landline to call the police.
00:45:12I can do that.
00:45:13Merle, a word?
00:45:14Hello?
00:45:15Hello?
00:45:16Hello?
00:45:17Hello?
00:45:18It's not working.
00:45:19Hello?
00:45:20It's not working.
00:45:21I don't know what kind of demons you got.
00:45:25I can't go back to jail.
00:45:27Keys.
00:45:28I don't know.
00:45:32I saw something horrible and impossible to believe.
00:45:36Believe?
00:45:37Santa, I don't believe you.
00:45:39What the fuck are you talking about?
00:45:40That girl's mother was killed by an alpaca.
00:45:43Killed?
00:45:45Exploded.
00:45:46Exploded?
00:45:46By an alpaca.
00:45:48That girl's mother was exploded by an alpaca?
00:45:52Merle, what?
00:45:54Are you high?
00:45:55Am I high?
00:45:57No, I'm not high.
00:45:58Neither am I blind.
00:45:59I know what I've been seeing is smelling all day.
00:46:03Am I high?
00:46:04Isn't that the pot calling the killer black?
00:46:09It's not working.
00:46:11Easy, child.
00:46:13That's not it.
00:46:14Have you ever seen a landline before?
00:46:16My mama has a cell phone.
00:46:19Hello, operator.
00:46:20Would you give me the police?
00:46:22I need to report an incident.
00:46:27There's been a death.
00:46:29Yes.
00:46:31A woman has been killed.
00:46:34Yes, exploded by an alpaca, actually.
00:46:41Yes.
00:46:42Yes, an alpaca.
00:46:45I see.
00:46:51What'd they say?
00:46:54They hung up on me.
00:46:55What does that mean?
00:46:57That means we're fucked.
00:47:04Sorry, sir.
00:47:19The road's closed.
00:47:20Is there another way through?
00:47:22Backtrack here a ways.
00:47:23You can hit Pant Creek Road.
00:47:25They'll dump you back out to Gasper Road.
00:47:26But if you hit the Pork Festival, you've gone too far.
00:47:30Gotcha.
00:47:31Well, thanks.
00:47:35Hello?
00:47:36Hello?
00:47:36Yes.
00:47:37You need to come pick up your daughter.
00:47:39You what?
00:47:40Sir, something unbelievable has happened.
00:47:42I'm with Santa.
00:47:44Santa?
00:47:45Yes, I am with Santa.
00:47:47I'm at the end of the road outside of town on Rico.
00:47:50Do you know where that's at?
00:47:52Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:47:53I believe so, but...
00:47:54It's at the end of town.
00:47:54But where, where, where is...
00:47:55At the end of town with lots of lights.
00:47:58The farm where the alpacas are.
00:48:01Alpacas?
00:48:02Wait, you gotta listen.
00:48:03Wait, wait, wait.
00:48:04Hello?
00:48:09Hello?
00:48:10Hello?
00:48:11We must have a bad connection.
00:48:14Dude.
00:48:14Why'd the power go out?
00:48:16I, I, I know.
00:48:17I, I have a generator.
00:48:19No need to worry.
00:48:19I'll turn it on.
00:48:25Boo!
00:48:26Yeah!
00:48:26Yeah!
00:48:27Cops are here.
00:48:29I'll turn it over here.
00:48:45Dude.
00:48:47Did we just get a fucking kid?
00:48:48I don't fucking know.
00:48:51What is going on?
00:48:52No.
00:48:52Bro.
00:48:54What is going on in this house?
00:48:57Bro's a freak.
00:48:58Yeah.
00:48:58A freak with a gun.
00:48:59Jesus.
00:49:00He's gonna kill us.
00:49:01I know.
00:49:02We gotta get out of here.
00:49:03I know.
00:49:04Hello, little one.
00:49:07Oh, pretty girl.
00:49:09Do me a favor.
00:49:11Color me a nice, pretty picture.
00:49:14Could you do that for me?
00:49:15Yeah.
00:49:16Take these and color me a sandal.
00:49:19Okay.
00:49:20Okay.
00:49:23You're so sweet.
00:49:25Okay.
00:49:26Okay.
00:49:27Here.
00:49:28Clean your face before you track your mother all over my house.
00:49:37How do you, Chief?
00:49:38I don't know, but we gotta get this damn truck running so we can get out here and get that fire out. Let's go, boys.
00:49:43Copy that, Chief.
00:49:44I gotta help.
00:49:45Sir, we're gonna try to get our rig going. As soon as we get ours going, we'll give you a jump so you can get out of here and we can go put out that fire.
00:49:52I got it, Chief. I just had to finger the sphincter valve.
00:49:54Okay, brother.
00:49:55We gotta get out of here. That thing's evil.
00:50:02One thing.
00:50:03Sir, what are you talking about?
00:50:04Genetically engineered alpaca.
00:50:07What?
00:50:11Hell yeah, brother. We got power!
00:50:21Oh!
00:50:22Dispatch, we have a code 2319. I repeat, we have a code 2319. Send everybody.
00:50:31Fuck this shit.
00:50:46See at the fourth vessel, you son of a bitch!
00:50:52You son of a bitch!
00:50:55Ah!
00:51:01Ah!
00:51:02Ah!
00:51:03I'm losing it!
00:51:04Ah!
00:51:09Ah!
00:51:10Ah!
00:51:22Ah!
00:51:23Ah!
00:51:25Ah!
00:51:27Ah!
00:51:28Ah!
00:51:29Ah!
00:51:30Ah!
00:51:31Ah!
00:51:33Ah!
00:51:34Ah!
00:51:39Ah!
00:51:40How are we gonna get out of here?
00:51:41We took the keys so we gotta make a run for it.
00:51:44You can't out run bullets, man!
00:51:45Look, he's not gonna off us in front of the kid.
00:51:47We gotta hide, we gotta do something!
00:51:49Okay, look. There is weird shit everywhere.
00:51:54Look, what if we grab something heavy, crack him over the head with it?
00:51:59I don't want to touch any of this.
00:52:05Who's bride is that?
00:52:07Did she dance on his pole?
00:52:12We gotta do something. Get out. We gotta get out of here.
00:52:15Look over there.
00:52:17Breaking news. The president will now address the nation regarding the current crisis.
00:52:27They're killer alpacas. It's gonna sound crazy.
00:52:29They're killing people. I know, we're trying to watch it.
00:52:32Shh.
00:52:34My fellow Americans, it is with a heavy heart that I stand before you today.
00:52:39Many of you are aware our country is under attack, but it is not just our country under fire.
00:52:44It's the entire human species.
00:52:46Yeah, politics really aren't my thing. You boys have the plug.
00:52:50What I'm about to tell you may sound like the plot of a bad movie, but I assure you it is very real.
00:52:56Across the globe, alpacas have developed unnatural abilities, abilities that defy our understanding of reality.
00:53:04These animals appear docile and domesticated, but they are not.
00:53:08Despite their innocent appearance, these beasts have evolved into perfect killing machines, harnessing explosive energy from within, unlike anything mankind has experienced.
00:53:18They're able to generate devastating energy from their eyes and have proven more capable of combat.
00:53:28In the past several hours, the town of the west has been over.
00:53:31The buildings have been destroyed.
00:53:33The aircraft have been shown down thanks to the east.
00:53:36Snowball? Yeah.
00:53:38If you see these creatures, do not engage.
00:54:00Run, hide, take shelter.
00:54:02survive in any way you can, mankind is now faced with our most important task, and we are at the precipice of annihilation, we are looking at a great and woolly future, man I need alpaca cigarettes, we must not be discouraged, from great hardship comes the greatest, that's the biggest alpaca toy I ever saw, stand strong, we will meet this new enemy, without fault of it, without remorse, hardships are, well boys, I guess we're going to have to start learning how to make sweaters,
00:54:32that has kept mankind off the food chain for centuries, and we shall not be destroyed, wooly ass mother fluffers, this holiday will not be remembered for our good tidings, well, time to start alpaca in our bags fellas, god bless America, and god bless us everyone, merry christmas, happy Hanukkah, and happy Christmas, I gotta get back to my family,
00:55:02I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family, I gotta get back to my family
00:55:32Oh, my God.
00:56:02Oh!
00:56:08Oh!
00:56:09Oh!
00:56:32That thing is not nice.
00:56:41What the fuck, man?
00:57:02Tiki titties.
00:57:07Space titties.
00:57:16Dad!
00:57:17Come check this out, dude!
00:57:22That'll work.
00:57:23Yeah!
00:57:32Think of it.
00:57:33Or do.
00:57:35Like, share with us.
00:57:36Three.
00:57:37If we're going to do a bit more,
00:57:38there's no way to do each other.
00:57:39I'm not alone.
00:57:40My only one bag,
00:57:42that's not what I would do to do.
00:57:43I have to see that.
00:57:44Let's see what the fuck was done.
00:57:45Wow!
00:57:46The mom's dad pienso.
00:57:47I'm not alone.
00:57:48The mom's dad's dad.
00:57:50You don't have to do great stuff.
00:57:51I don't think so, man.
00:57:52I'm not alone.
00:57:53I'm not alone.
00:57:54I'm not alone.
00:57:55I'm not alone.
00:57:56Oh!
00:57:57I'm not alone.
00:57:58I'm not alone.
00:57:59Piece of crap.
00:58:23Hey, crap.
00:58:25Hey.
00:58:29What did they do to you?
00:58:34No.
00:59:00Go!
00:59:01Get out of here!
00:59:02Run!
00:59:08What the crap, lady!
00:59:13Take that, you mess with an old lady!
00:59:15I'll teach you, you little bitch!
00:59:20Fuck you, lady!
00:59:21Fuck you, lady!
00:59:22I got something else for you, you hoodlum!
00:59:23You messed with the wrong gilf today!
00:59:27I'm gonna teach you!
00:59:28I got something else for you, you hoodlum!
00:59:33You messed with the wrong gilf today!
00:59:36I'm gonna teach you!
00:59:37I got something for you!
00:59:39Give me just one little second!
00:59:43Why?
00:59:44No, no!
00:59:45Who are you, lady?
00:59:47I'm trying to save you!
00:59:50Do I look like I need saving?
00:59:51No!
00:59:52No!
00:59:53No!
00:59:54No!
00:59:55No!
00:59:56No!
00:59:57No!
00:59:58No!
00:59:59No!
01:00:00No!
01:00:01No!
01:00:02No!
01:00:03No!
01:00:04No!
01:00:05No!
01:00:06No!
01:00:07No!
01:00:08No! No!
01:00:18This is the worst Christmas ever!
01:00:25So we go. Dude, I don't know why we're still here. Let's go.
01:00:32Hey little girl. We're gonna go and tell Santa we want to get help
01:00:36and there's absolutely no reason to come looking for us, okay?
01:00:40Where are we going?
01:00:42Oh no, sweetie. You're gonna stay here.
01:00:44We are gonna go get help and...
01:00:47Yeah, and try to stay away from Santa while we're gone, okay?
01:00:50Best of luck.
01:00:52Okay.
01:00:54Crazy bastard let all of his livestock out.
01:01:06Oh man. That's good. It'll give us cover.
01:01:12Right. Left. No. My right. No.
01:01:14Right. Left. No. My right. No.
01:01:16Yeah. Okay. Go.
01:01:18Right. Left. No. My right. No. Yeah. Okay. Go. Right. Left.
01:01:22It's working. It's working.
01:01:24It's working.
01:01:26It's working.
01:01:28It's working.
01:01:30It's working.
01:01:32It's working.
01:01:34It's working.
01:01:36It's working.
01:01:38It's working.
01:01:40It's working.
01:01:42It's working.
01:01:44It's working.
01:01:46It's working.
01:01:48It's working.
01:01:50It's working.
01:01:52It's working.
01:01:54Right, right, right, right, right.
01:02:07Right.
01:02:16It's working.
01:02:17It's working.
01:02:18Look, if we're going to die, at least let's die happy.
01:02:20Yeah?
01:02:21Yeah.
01:02:22Let's do it.
01:02:25Ooh.
01:02:26Hey.
01:02:45Yo.
01:02:46Hand her shit.
01:02:49That's good shit.
01:02:52Oh my gosh!
01:03:18This holiday will not be remembered for our good tidings.
01:03:22But for a merry and bright alpaca ass kicking.
01:03:26God bless America, and God bless us everyone.
01:03:29Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy Kwan-
01:03:37Dude, I think we're almost there.
01:03:39Good, I'm tired of staring at your ass.
01:03:41Haha, you should be so lucky.
01:03:43Oh shit.
01:03:44That didn't work.
01:03:45Whoa.
01:03:46Why's that one looking at me?
01:03:47It's not looking at you.
01:03:48It's looking right at me.
01:03:49It's just being paranoid.
01:03:50What's wrong with its eyes?
01:03:51I don't know.
01:03:52Is Merle right?
01:03:53Whoa, shit.
01:03:54I don't know.
01:03:55I don't know.
01:03:56I don't know.
01:03:57I don't know.
01:03:58I don't know.
01:03:59I don't know.
01:04:00I don't know.
01:04:01I don't know.
01:04:02It's just being paranoid.
01:04:03What's wrong with its eyes?
01:04:04I don't know.
01:04:05Is Merle right?
01:04:07Whoa, shit.
01:04:09Whoa, shit.
01:04:17Whip voyage.
01:04:29No, no, no.
01:04:32Did you want an apple?
01:04:37Take it.
01:04:38It's yours.
01:04:42That's good.
01:04:43Good, Alpha.
01:04:52An apple a day keeps the alpaca away.
01:05:08Please, please, please.
01:05:11Please, please I need your help.
01:05:13There's no package.
01:05:14You're killing people.
01:05:16I believe you.
01:05:18You can't.
01:05:24No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:05:26We can't go back there.
01:05:27That's where my family is.
01:05:29No, we can't.
01:05:30We can't.
01:05:31No.
01:05:32We can, and we will.
01:05:38The only way to deal with an alpaca is with a llama.
01:06:00Oh my god!
01:06:03Good luck.
01:06:04I'm gonna hide here.
01:06:08Get out of here!
01:06:14Get out of here!
01:06:18Get out of here!
01:06:34Get out of here!
01:06:39Get out of here!
01:06:43Get out of here!
01:07:05Chester, stop!
01:07:29It's me.
01:07:31You remember?
01:07:35I love you.
01:07:42Let's go home.
01:07:44Chester!
01:07:58Ho ho ho, motherfucker, ho ho ho.
01:08:03Santa Claus eats nuts.
01:08:06Santa!
01:08:08I got you, sugar.
01:08:10Santa saved the day again.
01:08:12Oh, shit.
01:08:14Oh, shit!
01:08:15Look out!
01:08:19I got pretty.
01:08:21Oh!
01:08:23Oh, shit!
01:08:27Look out! I got plenty!
01:08:29Oh, damn!
01:08:39Look out! I got plenty!
01:08:41Oh, damn!
01:08:51I got plenty! I got plenty!
01:08:53I said I got plenty!
01:08:55Whoa! Oh, oh, oh!
01:09:13Santa!
01:09:15I'll be damned!
01:09:17That crazy sum of a bitch actually did it!
01:09:19A real Santa to believe in!
01:09:25Wow!
01:09:27Oh, shit!
01:09:29I'm blowing up this shit in my head!
01:09:31Oh, oh, oh, oh!
01:09:34Oh, oh, oh!
01:09:35Oh, oh, oh, oh!
01:09:37Oh, oh, oh!
01:09:38Oh, oh, oh, oh!
01:09:39Come on!
01:09:41Oh, oh, oh!
01:09:50Come on, you hear me, fuck! Ho, ho, ho!
01:09:52Motherfucking ho, ho, ho!
01:09:55Ho ho ho!
01:10:05Gotta earn this!
01:10:08Ho ho ho ho!
01:10:12Thank you!
01:10:21Ho ho ho!
01:10:23Uh, ho, ho, ho!
01:10:27Hey, where's your mother?
01:10:29She's dead.
01:10:32And you're not my dad.
01:10:42Come on, Doc.
01:10:43Move the sign. Come on.
01:10:46Oh, we rolling now. Look at your big ass.
01:10:53You're a new man.
01:10:59You're a new man.
01:11:09You're a new man.
01:11:15That's it.
01:11:17It's all over, folks.
01:11:19Don't ask any questions because
01:11:21any questions because you won't get any answers what what are you doing
01:11:26i was just kidding at least give me a on-screen death
01:11:51A man in a destitution to fortify his pills
01:11:56Sells off his animals to governmental shells
01:12:00Little does he know of their experiments
01:12:03To inch and till fuckers with deadly concoctions
01:12:07Apocalypse, you will die
01:12:12Apocalypse, this is the end
01:12:15Apocalypse, you will die
01:12:19Apocalypse, this is the Apocalypse
01:12:23Weapons of science, it's the midst of sin
01:12:43Now is the time when Apocalypse begins
01:12:47And those who resist them are destined to die
01:12:50Most notably because they should raise it from their eyes
01:12:54Apocalypse, you will die
01:12:59Apocalypse, this is the end
01:13:03Apocalypse, you will die
01:13:06Apocalypse, this is the Apocalypse
01:13:10Okay
01:13:12Don't kill my flagpole
01:13:14No
01:13:14I know that's the fuck
01:13:17I'm the word of God
01:13:19My son's in a man
01:13:22Oh, he's reducing me to his face
01:13:25And, uh, found him
01:13:27He plays guitar in a band
01:13:29I can't wait for you to join the other kind of rules.
01:13:33Let a cat be a male.
01:13:34Heck, I'll be there.
01:13:36Take from the stained paper and some razor cut their eyes.
01:13:43This Christmas is cards made and it will be no good.
01:13:47Santa Claus is drunk and he will flush on God.
01:13:50The elves are too stoned from the outback of bones.
01:13:55They will all suffer under the empire of blood.
01:13:58Oh, turn, canots.
01:14:18God damn it.
01:14:20Let's do this.
01:14:22Here's what it's for.
01:14:28God damn it.
01:14:37No more good.
01:15:01This is the end of a good.
01:15:08You will die of a good.
01:15:12This is the end of a good.
01:15:14I'll conquer all day the gold.
01:15:16I'll conquer a sleuthing back.
01:15:18I'll get to beat up.
01:15:20I'll conquer the gate.
01:15:21This is the world.
01:15:22And you must have been.
01:15:24We can.
01:15:26This is the world that's not part of us.
01:15:28He's like one-time-time-born.
01:15:30That's it.
01:15:32Oh, I'll just have a face of those, everybody.
01:15:35And now I'm blind.
01:15:36What are all you good people doing tonight?
01:15:54Here we go.
01:15:57There's a little tackle in every man
01:16:02Like a soda pop in every can
01:16:07And my wife is out packing bags
01:16:12Because my big old belly sags
01:16:17I'll pack it, yeah, yeah, I'll pack it
01:16:24Go to New York, I'll see you close
01:16:28I'll see you ho ho ho
01:16:31While my wife is leaving
01:16:34No, no, no
01:16:36The dog says I'm filthy shy
01:16:40But I swear to God
01:16:43I'm about to get this job
01:16:45My wife is out
01:16:48These farm animals have infiltrated the highest levels of our government
01:16:55The deep state is a sheep state
01:16:57And they're bringing in their new bull order
01:17:00This doesn't stop with the alpacas
01:17:02Oh no, oh no
01:17:03The goats are next
01:17:05Or, or, or, or
01:17:06Or the emus
01:17:07They're teaming up
01:17:08And don't even get me started on the chickens
01:17:10I used to have a chicken
01:17:11And one night it started looking at me real funny
01:17:14Like it was just waiting for me for this thing
01:17:16There, there, Lily
01:17:21It's almost time to save the world
01:17:25No, control
01:17:27It's just like we sum down on the 90's
01:17:32But I'm so aware of the whole room
01:17:34We've had to save the wall
01:17:36And take a long view
01:17:37And make aيع
01:17:40The napkin
01:17:41The napkin
01:17:42eigentlich
01:17:43Yes
01:17:44We have to keep the old guy
01:17:47That's great
01:17:48The napkin
01:17:50We will get cooler
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