The SECRET Reason Everyone's Stuck in Situationships

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Welcome to Let’s Talk for Real — where we stop pretending everything’s fine and actually talk about it. 💬  This episode gets real about the messiness of modern love — from situationships that never get defined to cheating that leaves scars, and those late-night drunk dials we always regret after a breakup.  Our guests — psychologists and energy healers — decode why we fall into these cycles, why closure feels impossible, and how to actually move on without losing yourself.  If you’ve ever said, “it’s complicated,” this episode is for you.  🎙️ Let’s Talk for Real. Because love isn’t simple — and neither are we.  Credits:  Host: Shizaa Arshad Khan Direction & Production: Gouri Prabhakar Cinematography: PK Photography Editors: George C Alex, Sajin Raj Editorial Head: Sunita Iyer  #LetsTalkForReal #Situationships #Cheating #DrunkDialing #Breakups #ModernLove #DatingPodcast #RelationshipAdvice #RealTalkPodcast #GenZDating #EmotionalHealing  🔊 LIKE ➡ SHARE ➡ SUBSCRIBE  Download the Asianet News App now!  Available on Android & iOS  👉 Android:  https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.vserv.asianet&hl=en_IN   👉 iOS:  https://apps.apple.com/in/app/asianet-news-official/id1093450032   For More Updates:  Follow us on our What's app Channel: https://whatsapp.com/channel/0029Va5Bq3yKwqSLSQTxam0r  English: https://newsable.asianetnews.com/  Hindi: https://hindi.asianetnews.com/  Malayalam: https://www.asianetnews.com/  Kannada: https://kannada.asianetnews.com/  Tamil: https://tamil.asianetnews.com/  Telugu: https://telugu.asianetnews.com/  Bengali: https://bangla.asianetnews.com/  Like us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AsianetNewsa...  Follow us on Twitter:  https://twitter.com/AsianetNewsEN  Follow us on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ann.newsable/  ➡ If you like our video, give us a thumbs up and subscribe to our channel to get the daily dosage of news, entertainment, sports and more.

Transcript

00:00So I'll give you a couple of brutal truths.

00:03I'll tell you why men lie.

00:05Let's just create a situation where she will walk away.

00:07Guys, also never break up.

00:09Is it true that men dig beauty and women dig money?

00:14For dating, yes.

00:15The way women experience sex biologically

00:19and men experience sex biologically is very different.

00:25So today I have somebody very special with me.

00:28She's a psychologist and her name is Nikhila Deshpande.

00:33Welcome to the show.

00:35I'm so happy to have you here.

00:37And today we're going to be discussing a lot of relationship issues,

00:42terms and, you know, like today's problems, basically in 2025.

00:47Actually, 2025 is just ending, right?

00:49So 2026, a lot of people have so many terms.

00:53The moment I open Instagram, there's a new term.

00:57Before I knew there was a situation versus relationship.

01:01Now there is like benching.

01:03Now there is shreking.

01:04I don't know what all terms are there.

01:06Bread crumbing.

01:07Bread crumbing.

01:08And now every time I'm like opening it, I'm like, oh my God,

01:11where do these people come with these terms?

01:13Like, but those are like things that are actually happening.

01:16Terms toh deh diya.

01:16But I'm seeing that people are actually going through that kind of trauma.

01:21And, you know, that's why I wanted to reach out to you because you personally helped me so much.

01:28Right?

01:28And because one thing that I've noticed different about her is that that when I reached out to her,

01:35I think in January this year, yes, I was in a bad space in my life and everything.

01:41And she explained to me the scientific side of it.

01:46Ki what happens to your, what's happening to my brain is why I'm reacting that way.

01:50And that no other psychologist had done so far.

01:53They were all very good with diagnosing.

01:56Ki achha, tumme ye ho gaya, tumme wo ho gaya.

01:58But nobody actually told me ki, ba, I'm behaving the way I'm behaving.

02:01So you tell me, let's start with heartbreaks.

02:06Sure.

02:06Okay?

02:06Because bahaat logan ka dil tukta hai, right?

02:09Toh heartbreaks, heartbreak jub hota hai, I want you to tell me ki exactly what does it feel like?

02:18Like, why does it hurt so much?

02:21Like, meri surgery hui agar, for example.

02:24Mujhe utna pain nahin ho ga, jitna mujhe tab hua tha,

02:29you know, like when somebody broke my heart.

02:31So why is it?

02:33So physical pain se kya difference hai, heartbreak?

02:36Okay, first thing when we discuss a heartbreak,

02:40we have to understand,

02:42we have to understand a lot of things that go in the context.

02:48Like, what kind of a childhood the person has had,

02:54how is their resilience,

02:56and basically how they view an attachment.

03:00All right?

03:00So definitely heartbreak is difficult for everyone.

03:04And for girls,

03:06it is more intense,

03:08and

03:08it hurts more during the first two to three weeks of the heartbreak,

03:13probably the first month.

03:14But I have seen girls usually move on a little faster.

03:20Like, once it's done for them, it's done for them.

03:22Okay?

03:23Maybe two months, three months,

03:25probably a year.

03:26But once she's done,

03:28she's done.

03:29For guys, it does not happen that way.

03:31Most of the time,

03:32when there is this final fight of the heartbreak,

03:36men usually come from a point of ego.

03:39Right?

03:40They do not touch base on their emotions,

03:43probably because emotional regulation is something not everyone is taught.

03:47And especially men are supposed to not be too feminine when it comes to crying,

03:52or when it comes to expressing how they feel.

03:56The only emotion that I've seen a man display very clearly and openly is anger.

04:02And either it's anger,

04:06or it's a lot of romantic love.

04:09Like,

04:10love from being.

04:11Yeah.

04:12Totally.

04:13Yes.

04:13Been there, done that.

04:15Exactly.

04:16So, what happens is,

04:17when it comes to expressing what they need,

04:20or expressing how they feel,

04:23especially during those last fights,

04:25like,

04:25both the people in the relationship know that,

04:28you know what,

04:29this is coming to an end,

04:30and probably this is it.

04:31And that is the time for the guy to open up and speak freely about how he feels,

04:36or where is this going.

04:38But they operate from a point of ego.

04:40Many a times.

04:41I'm not saying everyone,

04:42but most of them.

04:44And when that happens,

04:46you know,

04:47the first week for the guy is bliss.

04:50He will go out,

04:51play video games,

04:53chill with his buddies,

04:54that he was,

04:55you know,

04:55avoiding when he was dating the world.

04:57And everything will be good.

04:59But after two weeks,

05:01three weeks,

05:01the loneliness kicks in.

05:03And the memories start flooding,

05:06and then the processing happens,

05:08does not happen sometimes,

05:09then they distract themselves further.

05:12But for the guy,

05:13the heartbreak lingers on,

05:15you know,

05:15as much as five years,

05:16ten years sometimes.

05:17So,

05:18I've never seen a guy really forget his first lover,

05:23first girlfriend,

05:24or how it was like.

05:25Probably a corner of his heart is always booked for that girl.

05:29Even if they're not together.

05:31Yes.

05:32Another factor when it comes to a heartbreak,

05:34would be the attachment style.

05:37Like,

05:37if the person is coming from a point of abandonment issues,

05:42you know,

05:42or needs being,

05:43emotional needs being not met as a child,

05:45or they come from a point of...

05:48Can I ask you one thing?

05:50Emotional needs not being met

05:53in a previous relationship,

05:54that could also be an issue?

05:56Absolutely.

05:57Okay.

05:57Absolutely.

05:58So,

05:59what happens is,

05:59this typically happens

06:01when an anxious,

06:03you know,

06:03when

06:04a person who is,

06:07who has been

06:08hyper-independent,

06:11or on their own

06:12for a really long time,

06:13meets a person

06:15who love-bombs.

06:17Okay.

06:18So,

06:19initially what happens,

06:20every avoidant.

06:20Avoidant is a person

06:22who is basically

06:23hyper-independent,

06:25who does not trust people easily,

06:28who always depends on themselves

06:30to take care of all their needs,

06:32maybe emotional,

06:33maybe financial,

06:34maybe anything.

06:36This is an avoidant attachment style.

06:38Yes.

06:38An anxious attachment style

06:40would be

06:41when the person

06:42repetitively

06:44has to ask,

06:45ask,

06:46ask,

06:46and cry aloud

06:48to seek attention

06:49as a child.

06:50So,

06:50they develop this habit

06:51that,

06:51you know,

06:52they see a smallest

06:53of the change

06:54in the behavior

06:55or the affection

06:56of the attention

06:57of the person

06:58that they are dating.

06:59then they go all-in chasing.

07:02They will do everything

07:03in their limits

07:04to get the person's attention.

07:07They will,

07:08you know,

07:09they will do everything.

07:11The front will out to post

07:13to get that person's attention.

07:14A lot of excessive messaging,

07:16excessive calling.

07:18Because they are getting anxious.

07:19What's wrong?

07:20What changed?

07:21What did I do wrong?

07:22What did I do wrong?

07:24And what does it take

07:25for me to get that person

07:27back in my life?

07:28Got it.

07:29Yeah.

07:30Does that form trauma bond?

07:33Yeah.

07:33In a way,

07:34it does form a trauma bond.

07:36Trauma bond

07:37is a little heavier term.

07:38But it definitely

07:40is a perfect dynamic

07:42for a codependent equation

07:44or it is functional equation.

07:46So,

07:46the thing is,

07:47like me,

07:47and I'm sure a lot of people

07:48will relate to it.

07:50If somebody else

07:51compliments me,

07:52right?

07:53Like,

07:53not friends.

07:54Friends,

07:54it's genuine.

07:55I don't know.

07:56They're good.

07:57They're well-be sure.

07:58I'm saying,

07:59in general,

08:00if a man compliments me

08:01or anything,

08:02it doesn't do anything to me.

08:04But if my man compliments me,

08:06then I feel like,

08:07oh,

08:08I'm actually like,

08:09yeah,

08:09I'm looking good.

08:11And that's instant boost

08:12if like,

08:14you know,

08:14that confidence comes in.

08:16Why that?

08:17And why does it happen

08:18with people?

08:19Men,

08:20women,

08:21I mean,

08:21gender no bar.

08:23I think that,

08:25you know,

08:26it comes from a point of love.

08:30So,

08:31you know,

08:31I have seen that

08:32when it comes to feelings,

08:36when a woman is deeply in love,

08:39you know,

08:39she tends to learn

08:40all the things that

08:42her partner

08:43likes to eat,

08:45learn that,

08:46those recipes,

08:47cook those recipes for him.

08:49Yeah,

08:50and wants to like,

08:51dress up the way he likes it.

08:52Exactly.

08:53And that doesn't make her

08:55less of a feminist.

08:57It's just that

08:57that woman is in love,

08:58right?

08:59So,

08:59that's a very primal need.

09:03She's like,

09:03it comes from a very primal

09:04instinct to seduce the man

09:08or to lure the man,

09:09to attract the man

09:10that she wants to meet.

09:12But if you see

09:13any mammal species,

09:17you know,

09:17maybe the lionesses

09:18in the animal kingdom,

09:20you know,

09:23the behavior

09:24and the nature

09:25of that species

09:26actually starts

09:27complementing up

09:28the point

09:28to the habits

09:29and the mind frame

09:30of the male species

09:31automatically.

09:33Because the woman

09:35wants to nurture,

09:36she wants to create

09:37that compatibility

09:38with the man.

09:39So,

09:40there are certain changes

09:41also that she

09:42accommodates in

09:43only to make

09:45that man

09:45come back to her.

09:46Because every woman

09:48on a subconscious level

09:49knows this one

09:50truth about a man,

09:52that man values

09:53peace over love

09:55and women value

09:56truth over love.

09:59Okay.

09:59Yeah.

10:00Yeah.

10:00So,

10:01any man in love,

10:02if you see,

10:02you know,

10:03he will keep on

10:03telling his girl

10:04where is he

10:05and what is he doing

10:08and he will call her

10:09after every three hours,

10:11three to four hours.

10:12If he is leaving the place,

10:14he will call her up.

10:16If he is,

10:17you know,

10:18going somewhere,

10:19he will call her up.

10:20Okay.

10:21He will keep on updating her.

10:23Through the day

10:24or through the week,

10:25whatever.

10:26About everything.

10:27He will speak very clearly

10:29about what are his dreams,

10:30his wishes,

10:31what is important to him,

10:32what is not important to him,

10:33where does family stand

10:35in his,

10:35you know,

10:37in his life.

10:38He will give clarity

10:39about a lot of things

10:40and he will be very truthful.

10:41And a woman in love

10:43will make everything

10:45in her limits

10:46to preserve the peace

10:48in the relationship.

10:49Because a man

10:49always wants to come back

10:51to a peaceful house,

10:52a peaceful home.

10:53Yeah.

10:54Yeah.

10:54Okay.

10:55With a man,

10:56it's different.

10:57Okay.

10:58Commitment functions

10:59very differently

11:00with a man.

11:01Okay.

11:01So,

11:01initially,

11:02a guy may approach

11:04a girl who is beautiful,

11:05who is good looking,

11:07but there are certain qualities

11:09that he will look for,

11:11looking to the girl

11:12when it comes

11:14to a long-term relationship,

11:15which will eventually,

11:17for guys,

11:18there's nothing

11:18called a long-term relationship,

11:20but by the way,

11:20they either think

11:21of the girl

11:22as the wife,

11:23like he wants to

11:24wife her up

11:25in a year or two

11:26and they don't want

11:27to like carry on

11:28five, six,

11:29or eight years long

11:31relationships

11:32and then eventually

11:33marry her,

11:34especially these days.

11:36I'm going to get married

11:37in two years

11:38or in three years

11:38we'll get married.

11:40Otherwise,

11:40it's just,

11:41I don't know

11:42where this is going.

11:43Let's just go with the flow.

11:45Situationship.

11:46They do not think that much.

11:48All these terms,

11:49no.

11:49They existed before also.

11:51I think this generation

11:53has just called,

11:54given it a name.

11:56But when the guy

11:58is into something,

11:59he does not think

12:00whether it's a relationship,

12:02whether it's a situationship

12:04or where is this going.

12:05He just keeps on expressing

12:08whatever he feels.

12:09If he feels like

12:10picking her up

12:11from the airport

12:11after 8-day vacation,

12:13he will go and do that.

12:14But if she has been

12:15checking up on him

12:16way too much

12:17or if he feels

12:18that she does not trust him

12:19or if things go down

12:20in an argument,

12:22in a video call

12:23or a phone call,

12:25he will not pick her up.

12:27It is as simple as that.

12:29So whatever,

12:30they don't put

12:31that kind of thought

12:33into their emotion.

12:34and then,

12:36if it is happening

12:37they will feel like I am not enough I am not good enough or whatever it is and you know what let's just create a situation where she will walk away guys also never break up

12:54a guy will never very rarely have seen a guy will come forth and say you know what listen I want to break up with you

13:00I have to ask you now

13:02yeah it always happens so that a guy will create a situation where the girl you know most of the time where the girl you know gets frustrated and then she will walk away

13:13he just keeps on testing how far he can push and where does the self respect kick in and then you know whenever she is done she can leave

13:21so he will always keep that gate open saying that you know what she is the one who walked away

13:27so I am ready to talk to her today also

13:31which does not work I know it is very messed up in its own way but that is how it is

13:38and when it comes to commitment also you know a guy will never have the girl is very sweet she is not anxious at all

13:45and she is you know a perfect girl like he may still not get married to her

13:54okay there is a chance

13:56there is a chance in fact there is a very strong chance in this kind of a situation also that he will not get married to her

14:03or if you know he feels that he is not doing good enough in his career

14:08if he feels that he is not earning the kind of money that he wants to earn

14:14or if he feels that the situation or you know at home is not good enough for him

14:20or if he feels that his parents are going to disapprove of the girl and he does not want to go against his mother

14:27or he doesn't want to go against his father because he is very attached to them

14:31he will give up on the girl

14:33he will give up on the girl

14:36and especially if it is a career related issue

14:38even if he loves her

14:40however she might be the love of his life

14:43but he will get committed when his finances are sorted

14:47when his career is sorted he is making good money

14:50he is happy with whatever is you know going on when it comes to his job or his business

14:57he is happy with the way his parents are right now their situation

15:01then whoever is readily available that is the one he will pick

15:06he will get married and he will try and have a good life with him

15:09so now talking about commitment it is a big term right

15:14atleast nowadays it has become a big term heavy term

15:18let me tell you this

15:20situationship is a very used term very generalized term now right

15:25so relationship toh baad loko pehla seh pata hai

15:28abhi situationship and relationship versus that

15:32okay hai?

15:33now you tell me one thing ki

15:34why does it hurt more when a situationship ends

15:38jaha be commitment thine in the first place

15:40than when a relationship ends

15:43okay so I think there is nothing called a situationship per se

15:48you know it is more of a situation you know in which the guy is in a relationship in which the girl is

16:01so I have seen mostly girls think that if I you know keep on continuing and I form a habit

16:07I will be able to fix him you know

16:13oh ye toh bhoot bhaeta complex old ratkyo hai

16:15I will do this

16:16I will do this

16:17I will do this

16:18I will do this

16:19I will do this

16:20I mean

16:21and that never works out

16:22I know

16:23I mean

16:24what are you

16:25his teacher

16:26his mother

16:28his nanny

16:29like

16:30what are you going to do

16:32jo yeh sari aote who brought him up could not create that change

16:36and how are you going to do it in you know

16:39a matter of say six months one year or whatever timeline the goal has defined it in her head

16:46it does not work like this because

16:48aadmi ho ya aurat ho

16:50I have seen one thing Shita

16:52that people change you know

16:54when they really want to change

16:56when it comes from within

16:57yes

16:58that voice

16:59ki aap mujhe change holna hai

17:00some sort of intense trauma that gets triggered in

17:03or some sort of strong affection or love for that person

17:09or some sort of a life changing incident

17:14a near death experience

17:16these are the common reasons where people decide that oh my god

17:19I have

17:20I am going to change

17:21you know change really change like I have hit the rock bottom

17:24I cannot go below this now

17:27these cannot be my standards when it comes to living and lifestyle

17:31so you know they pick up their socks and then they change

17:34an external person you know telling them to change so that they can validate them accordingly

17:41it cannot be the reason for anybody to change first of all

17:46secondly the way women experience sex biologically

17:51and men experience sex biologically is very different

17:56how?

17:57so probably a woman and a man

18:00they both have decided to get into a situation shift

18:03now when it comes to sex

18:05a woman has to secrete a lot of dopamine, oxytocin and vasopressin

18:14apart from the you know sexual hormones like progesterone and estrogen

18:20there are a lot of love related hormones that a woman secretes before and after sex

18:26and during the act as well

18:28right

18:29so if you notice unless there is a basic connection

18:32basic affection

18:34even if it is not maddling love

18:36at least that liking has to be there for a girl to speak with a guy

18:43but for men sex works very differently

18:47for them testosterone is enough

18:49you know you have your testosterone shooting up

18:54and you have hit the gym

18:56now it is evening time

18:58you are in the pub

18:59you see a beautiful girl with good acids

19:02they can do it without any emotion

19:05and they can detach also without any emotion

19:08it does not get that intense for a guy

19:12only if the guy has waited long enough

19:16chased the girl for a really long time

19:19has been wanting and longing her emotionally

19:22without she giving him any signals of love or sex or anything

19:26and then he finally gets to mate with that girl

19:29then probably he releases oxytocin

19:31he does not release oxytocin with every call that he sleeps

19:35so in a situation shift the girl probably is high on hormones

19:40obviously women also need sex as much as men need sex

19:43this is a myth

19:44let me break it that only men need sex

19:46no women

19:47100% yeah

19:48women need sex as much as well

19:50so what happens is when they say that

19:52okay fine let's get into a situation shift

19:54the girl says that you know

19:56eventually I just need to get my physical needs met

20:00and some sort of a companionship I'll get

20:02rest my finances are done

20:04my family everything else

20:06all the other areas

20:07my health my gym

20:08everything is sorted in my life

20:09and for this one thing I will step out

20:12and I'll do the needful

20:14and no strings attached

20:16no commitments

20:17and everything is okay

20:18you know

20:19I will deal with it

20:20but what happens is

20:22once the love making

20:23or the sex

20:24or the physical intimacy increases

20:27it is but normal

20:29and especially if the woman is fully satisfied

20:32in the act

20:33it is but normal

20:34it is very natural for the girl to fall in love

20:37or at least develop some strong emotional feelings for the guy

20:40okay

20:41and then you know the guy after like say three months six months or one year of really good loving affectionate sex

20:48you know the girl says that you know what can we take this to the next level

20:53until the situation shift

20:55and the guy is going to say the same thing that he said

20:56and the guy is going to say the same thing that he said

20:57he says the same thing that he says in love

21:00and he says he loves girls

21:01i haven't committed

21:04or I am not in that space in my life

21:06do you know

21:07I have so many other things

21:08Anyway we decided

21:09beforehand we know

21:11that this is going to be

21:12no strings attached

21:14so so then that is what i've seen typically happening in situations where the girl

21:21gets anxious later also it sometimes it so happens that it started as a relationship

21:27but then you know two months three months down the line the guy earlier you know men don't think too

21:34much when it comes to dating they like the girl they like the girl you know zakir kan once had

21:42said this thing that the girl is playing the plane and then leave it on the autoballet

21:50the girl is saying that you drive the car, drive the car, drive the car, drive the car, drive the car,

21:57decide how many hours you have to reach the destination they value consistency more than anything

22:04either or like that so they will go in autoballet mode and they will crash land also happily so after

22:11two or three uh you know months the guy suddenly comes to know that but as i'm

22:19as i'm seeing the deeper layers of her personality her behavior her nature character everything

22:25i don't think she is the one for me okay so now what started as a relationship is switched into a

22:33situation ship which can get very very very scary for the girl she would say that you know what you

22:39should have taken time this is who i am and this is who i was when i met you i didn't change but you

22:47started off with a blast and now how am i going to adjust to your changing moves and likes and dislikes

22:55there has to be some consistency so then what happens is the girl is still emotionally at the same place

23:01where she started from and the girl has surprisingly moved on which can be very scary or probably he's not

23:08moved on but again he's gotten all egoistic or he's gotten stubborn that no you know what i'm not

23:15committing to this let us see now she really has to make create those changes to seek my approval otherwise

23:21i'm okay without you now just suppose an anxious attachment style person gets in a relationship with an

23:28avoidant style attachment person right so this relationship work out

23:36if you go in the direction and have to work out and have to work out

23:41and uh when a breakup happens between a person who has an

23:49sorry avoidant attachment style and a person who has an anxious attachment style

23:54so uh what tip would you give to let's say the anxious attachment style person after the breakup

24:01how do they get over it would would you give them hopes that this avoidant person is going to come

24:06back in their lives okay so if you know an anxious person has recently broken up okay with an avoidant

24:18person i would always ask them to heal their attachment style into a secure attachment style first

24:29first thing is start working best i know it's a lot of age-old advice but it's it works tremendously it works

24:44very well it works very well you know instantly you know exactly exactly exactly and then you

24:52the reason this works works so beautifully is because all this all this while the anxious was

24:59trying to seek validation from uh from the avoidant person or the person who is shutting them down

25:08to feel good about themselves to derive some self-esteem you know for themselves now when they start

25:15working working work is going to follow you don't have to do anything it's a very fair game i think

25:23when it comes to working meritocracy exactly so when you start reaping the rewards automatically your

25:30self-esteem starts shooting up even when you do also that dopamine rush comes in

25:35you know after this shoot is done and once we go home whatever we are doing

25:41you know we are doing

25:42and the minute you start working and start focusing the dopamine surges

25:47that minute only

25:48that is like the cherry on the top but imagine like like you

25:54know we are doing this podcast we are having such amazing conversation we

25:57both are into it we both are working and working really hard over here

26:00after this shoot is done and once we go home whatever we are doing we are doing we are going to

26:06think about each other and day well spent yeah

26:10so it's there like and then you're getting paid for it oh my god this was one of this work

26:15i think but i have to anyway like spending time with you no oh thank you so much thank you so much

26:19yeah no but would you give hopes to an anxious person at the anxious attachment

26:25yeah

26:38because i always say your worst relationship is always with yourself

26:42it is not with a girlfriend or boyfriend not even with your parents not even with your colleagues

26:48friends best friends or kids it is always with yourself if this relationship is okay then all your

26:54other relationships are okay if this relationship is not okay all your other relationships are

26:59eventually going to come spiraling downwards so if the person who is and who's an avoidant and

27:05you have been an anxious person you've been chasing them and they have done things to hurt your

27:11self-respect please don't go back because then what happens is when you are choosing someone

27:18over your self-respect then you are choosing them over you so now either i have to be in you know at my

27:27peace i have to be happy i have to be okay i have to be in a good health and well-being or i have to

27:35please you you know both the things can't happen simultaneously correct so now either i become my own

27:42enemy and choose the other person or i become their enemy and choose me i would always say choose me

27:48don't become someone's enemy you can just you know let them go cut you out but be your friend first

27:55yeah that's very important yeah that's very important okay okay i have to ask another question

27:59another question in this one you said be yourself first right love yourself

28:04many people say self-love self-love honestly saying it's the most difficult thing to do to be secure in your

28:13own skin the way you are it's the most difficult thing to do so i have to ask you how does a person start that

28:22journey which is the most difficult thing to do so i have to ask you how does self-love come from

28:30okay so uh self-love is a very tricky one but i have seen that people are not able to find themselves in

28:42the first place you have to find yourself first to love yourself yeah and one of the major reasons we don't

28:49find ourselves you know it's because there's a past version of us if you're not forgiven

28:55so i mean yeah yeah yeah

28:57so if i have it in my heart that you know and she's i have been friends for so many if i have been

29:06so many years how many months now how many weeks am i going to hold up

29:22So if I have it in my heart that, you know, I have been friends for so many years and, you know, so much of history has passed between us and now it's time that, you know, if I have it in my heart to forgive you and say that, okay, don't do it again, but we are good now.

29:43Only when we can be friends the way we used to be, you know, that friendship will return, then eventually the trust will bring, then you eventually respect and love, all of that will bring.

29:54But that first step of self-forgiveness has to be taken.

29:57So if you think about it symbolically, you are my mind, you know, if we talk about this example and you are my mind, then I have to forgive you for the older version that you were.

30:10Because you have grown with time, with new experiences, with new challenges, you have achieved so much, done so much, learned so much.

30:19If you don't have any mistakes, then you will be able to do it.

30:22But if you can't forgive yourself, then the same experience is a failure.

30:27If you have forgiven yourself, then the same experience becomes learning, which can be a substantial factor for your growth.

30:34Correct. Now I want to ask you one more thing.

30:37A lot of people move on. I've seen a lot of people move on.

30:40And then suddenly after seven, eight months or a year, when they're out, partying or whatever, drunk, right, they drunk-dial that one specific person.

30:51That's one-year-old relationship. Why?

30:53Why do you want to think about it?

30:56Okay. Do you remember your primary teacher?

31:01Yeah.

31:02How come your parents have gone?

31:04Little.

31:05Because you had your early, beautiful experiences with that one teacher.

31:10And I'm sure, I said primary, but you chose the standard very specifically.

31:16Maybe first standard, maybe fourth standard, maybe third standard.

31:18I remember all of them, but one specifically, yes.

31:20One specific teacher came to your mind.

31:24The reason being that you have had that emotional history, that emotional connection with her.

31:29Now imagine if you broke off with her on a very bad note.

31:32But you moved on, right?

31:34Obviously.

31:34You moved on, right?

31:35Obviously.

31:35If you moved on, you moved on, then why did you have to move on?

31:37Then why did you have to move on?

31:39Agreed.

31:39But imagine that if you had a very bad, you know, you moved on from a, now obviously you're at a nice 10 standard center and you do out all your teachers.

31:49So that, that was good for you, but if you broke off with them on a very bad note, then every time you were to go to any school, any class or that subject kind of comes in, you're going to remember that, you're going to remember that, you're going to be a good teacher, you're going to be a good teacher, you're going to be a good teacher, you're going to be a good teacher.

32:04That small itch keeps on, you know, going back, right?

32:09That's why the drunk dialing happens.

32:11So drunk dialing is a result of unprocessed emotions and unresolved traumas.

32:16If you close it on a good note, you know, with, you know, no strings attached, you know, it's okay, it happens and I forgive you and I forgive me.

32:30But this is a no contact boundary, you can always call me, if you're parting on that note, then the drunk dial does not happen.

32:44It is unresolved emotions or you, even when you looked like you're parting on, you know, good terms, but there are a lot of things that you did not say.

32:52And all the unspoken things, you know, come out in the form of a drunk dial where you can always say later.

32:59Yeah, I'm so sorry, I was just sloshed.

33:02Exactly.

33:03Yeah, that's a good excuse, no?

33:04Exactly.

33:05Actually, tell me one more thing, since we talked about this thing, that it means, breakup, whatever, can exes really be friends?

33:16It depends on what country you live in, I feel.

33:23Upbringing also matters, no?

33:25Upbringing also matters.

33:26Upbringing also matters.

33:28There are a lot of first world countries also, where, you know, women become very insecure, if the guy is in touch with the ex.

33:36Or guys become very insecure, then the girl is in touch with the ex.

33:42And then I have seen certain relationships and equations, especially college friendships work out beautifully, even if, you know, two people were exes in the group.

33:51Because the group should not break, you know, they just forgive the exes and the new couple moves on.

33:58So, there's this dialogue, I remember, of Shah Rukh Khan, where he says,

34:11Do you think that, you know, I have seen a lot of friendships break after they turn into relationships.

34:31Because, that's a blunder by the way, you end up losing your very good friend.

34:39Exactly, because, look at my friends, our equation is different.

34:44Okay, now, if I'm friends with that person, after you are in a relationship, and then you're able to build that friendship, it's a different story.

34:53But, if you are in a friendship, then you have to understand that the expectation levels are bare minimum.

35:00You don't call each other for four months, five months, also, no.

35:04And then you call, you still will bond the same way as if you met yesterday.

35:09Correct.

35:09Pick it up from there.

35:10And you will not be angry, if you say, oh, five months later, you didn't call, you didn't call, you didn't call.

35:15That's a recipe for disaster, I'm telling you.

35:18Exactly.

35:19But, when it comes to a relationship, the same guy would want to meet the girl every week.

35:24And then she's going to get confused.

35:26And I felt like, when I was friends, I was like, I didn't have a boyfriend.

35:31You are like this.

35:32Also, what about I'm going to say?

35:33As a friend, that guy or girl knows every secret, every girl you've dated.

35:38So, now, that insecurity reads sin.

35:42And then she's going to, you know, keep a check.

35:45And she's going to keep a check.

35:46Yeah.

35:47When are you going?

35:48What are you doing?

35:48Correct.

35:49You had told me you have feelings.

35:51But you tell me the truth.

35:53I will not feel bad.

35:54You have friends first.

35:56And that information, I love, you are asking someone to speak.

36:00But when they speak, you are not able to handle the truth.

36:02Then that is a big problem.

36:04And in that case, a guy starts lying.

36:07That the same guy starts lying after the point.

36:12Correct.

36:13Yeah.

36:13Because the person that you depend on, for all kinds of honesty, who is your girlfriend or boyfriend, then you think two times before uttering a word also.

36:30So, I think that's a disaster.

36:32So, I think that's a disaster.

36:32I said, I saw a real Instagram and somebody also recently told me this.

36:37In a very fun manner, they said.

36:39And it stayed with me, okay.

36:40They said, the hotter the girl, it's scale, the crazier she is.

36:49Where?

36:49Who is doing these researches?

36:53I know.

36:53I mean, who gave them the ground?

36:55No, everybody has become a therapist on Instagram.

36:57Okay, okay.

36:59Okay.

37:00Yeah.

37:00So, what is this?

37:01What is this?

37:01I want to understand.

37:03The hotter the girl, the crazier she is.

37:06Yeah.

37:06What is it?

37:07What is the...

37:08Probably, I have seen that, you know, guys who...

37:12First of all, I think now when it comes to this generation, you know, it's all about, as Kareena Kapoor says, good looks, good looks, and good looks.

37:22Good looks, good looks, and good looks.

37:25Yes.

37:26Exactly.

37:26I'm a big Bebo fan.

37:28Yeah.

37:28So, you know, guys who are not so good looking or they do not have that kind of a body, you know, the biceps, the triceps, and the six-packs and everything, you know.

37:41They probably have that complex.

37:42Or the face.

37:44Yeah, or the face.

37:45Even if they have the biceps, triceps, everything.

37:46Or the height, you know.

37:49Height, you know.

37:50But I've seen a lot of people who are like very ripped, but they don't have a good face.

37:54Yeah, the perfect jawline or the eyebrows.

37:58Whatever.

37:59According to anybody's liking, those are personal choices, that what they like.

38:04Correct.

38:04And likewise for the guys also.

38:06So, if he doesn't like, let's say, for example, a girl who, for dating, okay, who is not fair, that's his personal choice, I believe.

38:16He's entitled to that choice.

38:17Because if he's not attracted to a certain kind of woman, how would he be in a relationship with that woman?

38:24Correct.

38:24And likewise for a girl also, those who say that their height is so low, so I should have a long time, excuse me, it's about a personal choice.

38:35This doesn't mean that she will not befriend somebody who is short-headed.

38:38That doesn't discriminate, right, that woman or girl?

38:40Correct.

38:41But it is her preference when it comes to dating or even for physical intimacy.

38:48Correct.

38:48That this is a turn on that the guy has to be tall or he has to be in a specific way.

38:55So, what happens is that there is a generalized idea, okay?

38:59A lot of men have that idea, men who don't feel good about their bodies or don't feel secure about their bodies, feel that good-looking girls, they always go after only good-looking guys and they don't stand a chance.

39:15So, if the man is well-groomed, if he is taking good care of himself, he knows what he wants in life and he has built a good career and he basically knows how to respect a woman, there are very high chances that he will get the partner that he really wants, right?

39:35But, aisa hota hai na, and I have seen with good-looking girls especially, they value good behavior over everything else.

39:43Correct.

39:44Right?

39:44Women in general only and especially good-looking women because they, people feel that, okay, she is good-looking, she can get anybody.

39:54No!

39:55Dude, there are a lot of people who throw their egos on us.

39:58There are a lot of people who throw attitude on us.

40:02There are a lot of people who get a high by making us feel bad or cry or ki, wo itni zundari legin, man hai usko hurt kiya.

40:10Right, so, sari dunya hos ke tarah, picheh,

40:13That kind of a male, you got a high, there are a lot of people, you know, who troll us for no reason at all.

40:21Toh, aisa nahi hai ki good-looks ke saad sab life asan ho gai.

40:25But, what happens most of the time is I have seen that beautiful girls or girls in general also value good behavior.

40:34So, in initial dating me, wo larda, khitna bhi hot dikh ra ho, khitna bhi he is beautiful, he has the body, he has the bronze, all of that.

40:43But, if he is a nasty person, then she will take it once, twice, thrice, but eventually she will be like, you know what, it does not work.

40:51Is it true that men dig beauty and women dig money?

40:57So, that happens, when it comes to beauty, okay, for dating, yes, I have seen every, like 99.9, unless it's some sort of a sexual preference, intimacy preference, or a fetish, 99% of the guys go for good looks.

41:18They need their partner to be beautiful, they go for a beautiful figure, because I think men are, I don't just think it is true that men are wired in a way that they want to procreate, they want to procreate a beautiful offspring, alright, so they naturally get attracted to girls, you know, that are good looking.

41:41But, if the man is seeking for commitment, he wants to settle down with a girl, then during that time, good looks is just one small factor.

41:51Yeah, later they go on to how the person, how she is as a person, her nature, her behavior, her communication style, the way she handles stress, the way she handles space, the way she gives space.

42:05And I think from, and more than anything else, no, I think the one most important thing that a guy seeks, you know, from a girl, especially for a long term or a marriage related relationship, it's that he needs to know that the girl is in his corner, no matter what, no matter what.

42:30Especially when it comes to a group of people, especially when it comes to a group of people, especially when it comes to a group of people or in a social setting, he needs to know that the girl is in his corner, no matter what, because that makes him feel respected.

42:40And for a girl, respect, especially public respect, you know, he might do all the coochipoo, cuddly and feminine things when you are in your private space.

42:52But he wants to behave like a man, feel like a man.

42:56Yeah, he should never hurt his ego.

42:58Carry himself like a man.

43:00That respect is, you know, very important.

43:02So, once he knows that the girl is in his corner, aray, anything for you.

43:06thing i've seen very beautiful people be together okay and for the longest time and then like

43:15breaking apart like breaking up uh saying that they've just fallen out of love what does falling

43:24out of love mean falling out of love asa manna jitta manna dekhay tohna love i think for

43:34everybody is very subjective shiza agar aapne initial attraction ko pyaar bola hai you know

43:40that you've gotten into something very harrid because people change priorities change so

43:51today probably i'm a party girl and i love to you know go out oh three times a week i party every

44:00weekend i vibe with people who are in the scene all right and then something happens to me there's

44:08some trauma or a physical issue health issue anything basically and it changes me and i i decide

44:15that i'm going to leave this kind of lifestyle and i'm going to be more centered in my core

44:20i'm going to take care of my body i'm going to hit the gym i'm going to do yoga i'm going to eat

44:24healthy eat clean work better my priorities have changed now the guy that i was probably dating

44:31we met because we both enjoyed party we met because we both love doing the same things but

44:39now he's calling me are a saturday kawari and i'm like no yeah i have this yoga class you know on sunday

44:45morning and i have to be there we're going to do yoga on beach so it's not possible and the guy is

44:51going to feel lonely he's going to feel disconnected and eventually uh you know people are there they're

44:58going to drift unless one of the partner decides to level up to the change that the other partner is

45:04going through and that happens when the love is true they both steer together towards the same goals

45:09right but if it was initial attraction then the guy is eventually going to hurt feel bad or whatever

45:15but we want different things in life which is very fair also correct but usually these kind of

45:23breakups i don't think they happen in back on bad terms they happen in good terms but here it is

45:27possible to fall out of love and cheating i've seen like men or women have their dream man or their dream

45:35girl you know they marry them also and everything and eventually end up cheating on them so how can you

45:42cheat on somebody you claim you love okay so i give you a couple of brutal truths

45:49oh i'll tell you why men lie okay i've seen i've observed that all or most men lie okay only because

46:01they think that the other person cannot handle the truth okay they're sensitive

46:07uh-huh they're sensitive or they might do something dangerous or they might hurt their career

46:14or family life or their social level you know they they are not sure about the reaction of the other

46:19person they feel that this person is very unpredictable and that is one of the reasons that they lie

46:24all right now um i may be completely uh i wouldn't say like you saw but i saw such okay there are always

46:36outliers where they do there are always exceptions but most of the men know they the way they are built

46:46they do check girls out all the time all right despite having their dream girl yeah yeah they will

46:55check a girl out they will check a girl out like about 10-15 seconds and the kind of thoughts like i

47:02have uh like lot of guys have spoken to me very freely uh you know over the past years especially when

47:09they're in therapy the way a man thinks the kind of things that go in their head 24 by 7 you will be

47:16shocked to know believe me you'll be really surprised so uh because it's their biological radar

47:24they're built that way you know to find the fittest to find the most beautiful find the uh you know one

47:31that will bear healthy babies uh girls with good pelvis or girls with uh you know good figure or

47:41beautiful face they'll be they get naturally attracted to uh such you know girls or such women

47:49so that is that is okay now having a desire is normal whether you are going to act upon it or not

48:00is a choice that you make and it's a very conscious choice that you make okay right so if a guy

48:08um has those values ingrained internally of commitment of loyalty or who is too focused in his work

48:19you must have seen men who say that aray may ko ye sab falku chis ho mein nahi padne ka hai meri liye

48:23calm important i have a girl back at home i have a girl back at home i will not have enough time to

48:31dedicate to my work right so i'm not interested that this is how i've seen committed many committed

48:38men think that ye sab karne mein it's just a waste of time kuch hoga nahi kuch millega nahi and i will

48:45use that i have already built so hard i worked so hard to build right so these kind of men who are

48:52for whom work ethics or loyalty is integrated inside of them integrity is a very important

49:00value for them they rarely cheat i will not say they will never cheat probably there is some kind

49:06of an emotional outlet then that you know but the chances of their cheating is very very less as

49:12opposed to men who are you know inclined uh to have that rush the initial rush of meeting a girl

49:24dating a girl the intimacy now the chase is over now interest khatam now move on to the next

49:32men with those tendencies do tend to cheat more often for women you know i have seen i may be wrong

49:39you know sometimes yeah it does happen that a woman with a very high drive okay who is not able

49:47to or who is ashamed or for whatever she's thinking or feeling or she's fallen out and she's trapped in

49:53the situation she goes out or whatever or cheats but i've rarely seen a woman having a steady

50:01relationship and multiple partners outside that is not a very common thing to hear but i want to ask

50:06one thing here just to finish what i'm saying but for a girl if her heart is broken she's

50:13emotionally broken then chances of her stepping out of a relationship are very high

50:18oh okay especially in marriages especially when they have kids especially when divorce

50:27or a breakup is not an option and she's feeling trapped

50:30so then it's like an emotional outlet for her then but again there are always outliers and there

50:39are always exceptions to me yeah so kitna vakt lena chahe ek insan ko before deciding that this is the

50:48right person for me kyunki labbombing toh shuru mein sab kata hai na like the guy will try his level

50:53best to like who you or something and this applies for both men and women right absolutely

50:58toh kitna ek vakt according to a psychologist you think ki behavior ko notice kane mein asli behavior

51:05kab nikal kata hai six months three to six months ke beech peh so first three months whatever you're going

51:12that's the honeymoon phase na have fun don't get attached it's not in your hands to get attached

51:20but i would say that don't spend a lot of time in the first month or the second month don't have

51:29too many phone calls have less time have less time but have qualitative time as opposed to

51:38quantitative time and now because quantitative time would be a lot of content which is like

51:44scrolling reels qualitative time would be like reading the book understanding it learning something

51:51from it and implementing in real life for your growth okay so thank you so much for talking to

51:59me taking out the time and uh giving so much of knowledge imparting so much of your knowledge

52:05it was really wonderful having you and i hope you grow even more career wise in your personal life

52:12thank you and i wish you all the very best and really thank you so much for coming today it is

52:18a great experience always to talk to you shida you're a wonderful girl i love the way you've

52:24progressed in your life stay blessed and thank you so much for making me the first person on your

52:31podcast thank you so much it's a privilege thank you

52:35you

52:41you

52:43you

52:45you

52:49you

52:51you

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