00:00When a breakup happens between a person who has an avoidant attachment style and a person who has an anxious attachment style so what tip would you give to let's say the anxious attachment style person after the breakup?
00:16How do they get over it? Would you give them hopes that this avoidant person is going to come back in their lives?
00:22Okay so if you know an anxious person has recently broken up with an avoidant person I would always ask them to heal their attachment style into a secure attachment style first.
00:45And what do you do with basic routine tips?
00:47Sure, before getting into any other relationship. First thing is start working best.
00:54I know. This is a very age old advice but it works tremendously.
00:59It works very well.
01:00If you put your brain in your brain instantly you know.
01:04Exactly.
01:05And then why do this work?
01:08The reason this works so beautifully is because all this while the anxious was trying to seek validation from the avoidant person or the person who is shutting them down to feel good about themselves to derive some self-esteem you know for themselves.
01:28Now when they start working, if you do work well, the validation is going to follow. You don't have to do anything. It's a very fair game I think when it comes to working hard.
01:39Meritocracy.
01:40Exactly. So when you start reaping the rewards automatically your self-esteem starts shooting up even when you do.
01:48Also that dopamine rush comes in.
01:50The one who gets there in relationship, maybe from work is the one who gets there.
01:54From appreciation.
01:54Absolutely.
01:55Absolutely.
01:56Absolutely.
01:56Absolutely.
01:57And the minute you start working and start focusing the dopamine surges that minute only.
02:03That appreciation is like the cherry on the top.
02:07No but would you give hopes to an anxious person, anxious attachment, whose style is that you wait for them.
02:14Do you have hopes that they will come back?
02:16Do you have hopes that they will come back?
02:18If their self-esteem is hurt in any other girl or girl in that relationship, then I will never advise you to go back.
02:24Because I always say your worst relationship is always with yourself. It is not with a girlfriend, boyfriend, not even with your parents, not even with your colleagues, friends, best friends or kids.
02:36It is always with yourself. If this relationship is okay, then all your other relationships are okay.
02:42If this relationship is not okay, all your other relationships are eventually going to come spiraling downwards.
02:48So if the person who is an avoidant and you have been an anxious person, you have been chasing them and they have done things to hurt your self-respect, please don't go back.
03:00Because then what happens is when you are choosing someone over your self-respect, then you are choosing them over you.
03:09So now, either I have to be, you know, at my peace, I have to be happy, I have to be okay, I have to be, you know, enough for health and well-being or I have to please you.
03:23You know, both the things can't happen simultaneously.
03:26Correct.
03:26So now, either I have become my own enemy and choose the other person or I have become their enemy and choose me.
03:33I would always say choose you.
03:35Don't become someone's enemy.
03:36You can just, you know, let them go, cut them out.
03:39But be your friend first.
03:42Yeah.
03:43That's very important, right?
03:44Okay, I had another question in this question.
03:47You said, be yourself first, right?
03:50Love yourself.
03:51Many people say, self-love, self-love, self-love.
03:55Honestly saying, it's the most difficult thing to do.
03:59To be secure in your own skin, the way you are, it's the most difficult thing to do.
04:05So, I have to ask you, how does a person start that journey?
04:10Who doesn't love yourself, how does this start?
04:14Where does self-love come from?
04:17Okay, so, self-love is a lot of tricky one.
04:22But I have seen that people are not able to find themselves in the first place.
04:30You have to find yourself first to love yourself.
04:33Yeah.
04:33And one of the major reasons we don't find ourselves, you know, is because there's a past version of us that we're not forgiven.
04:41So, I mean, let's talk to my love about everything.
04:46First of all, let's do it with friends.
04:47Say.
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