- 2 days ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00I worked at Random House for three years. I started as an assistant to a marketing VP and
00:08then I worked my way up to junior editor. Wow, impressive. At the time, I was one of the youngest
00:13people ever to make editor. I was 25. I'm 25. Don't worry, you don't look a day over seven.
00:22And then for the past, what, 15 years, nothing? I quit to raise my child, Caitlin, who's now
00:29spending her senior year in an exchange program in India. Look, I know I've been out of play for a
00:36while, but I am a much smarter, more capable person today than I was 15 years ago. I'm sure. I'm ready
00:42to throw myself back into work 24-7. I'm ready to pick up where I left off. Well, it has been quite
00:47a long hiatus, Liza. Things have changed. Facebook, Twitter, iPhones. iPads, e-books, YouTube. Instagram,
00:55Snapchat, Skype. Pinterest. Bang with friends. Seriously? You bang with friends? It's way
01:00better than Tinder. Alice met a guy on Tinder last week who showed her a boob shot of a
01:04girl his roommate hooked up with and it was her very own boob. Shut up. And she could recognize
01:10it? Clear as a fingerprint. Hello? Hey, sorry. Um, look, I'm not expecting to come back where
01:16I left off. I'll start anywhere. I'll read. I'm a terrific reader. I'll start as an assistant.
01:26Oh, that would be weird. I mean, assistants are generally right out of college. You're way
01:31too old. Overqualified. No, I think she was going to say. Orange. I'm way too orange. Industry
01:39term. Please don't put words in my mouth, Liza.
01:42Damn. They've lived here for 12 years, but then David left Liza for Debbie, a blackjack dealer. He
01:59was stepping in Atlantic City. The good news is he left Liza the house. The bad news is, of course,
02:04that he took out four mortgages that she never knew about to support his gambling habit. I've said too
02:09much. You don't need the details. I'd love a flat screen above a fireplace. I don't know. It sounds
02:14like the home of a woman who lives with her cats and is going to die alone. Not in the cell. She
02:19won't. She can't afford to. Either someone buys this place by next week or it goes to the bank.
02:26Can she leave the TV? Hi. Can I get anybody anything? Coffee, tea, cyanide? Mom, I'm trying to have a
02:36cultural experience. You can't call me every day. Caitlin, I do not call you every day. It just
02:41seems that way because of the time difference. But I want you to know we're selling the house,
02:45so you may want to come home from Bombay early. Mom, it's Mumbai, and you just want me to come
02:51home to help you pack. That is not true. I miss you. It's just because you don't have anything else
02:55going on in your life right now. Excuse me? You're just feeling hurt and rejected since
03:00my dad left. Well, thanks for putting that in a nutshell and stabbing me with it. Okay,
03:04I think you're so brilliant. And you used to have such a cool job. You should really go back to work.
03:12Well, you're going to be late for class. I'll call you tomorrow. Bye, Mom. I love you.
03:18How is it that the older and more experienced you are, the less desirable you become?
03:30You're talking about your marriage again? No, finding work. I have gone on over a dozen interviews,
03:36and these young girls seem to take a special pleasure in rubbing my age in my face.
03:40You must want to spank them. It's like I woke up one day, realized my marriage was a big lie,
03:45and I'd become Ruth Van Rinkle. Liza, you did the right thing for the time.
03:49No, you did the right thing. You followed your artistic dreams, you stuck with the lesbian thing,
03:54and you moved to Brooklyn before it became hot. Excuse me, I moved to Brooklyn because I couldn't
03:58afford Manhattan. And now, thanks to all these bearded cheesemongers and chicks that look like
04:02Macaulay Culkin, I can't afford Brooklyn. Jeez, how did I miss the memo on Brooklyn? And by the way,
04:08when did Bombay become Mumbai? You know you can't call it Bombay anymore? Well, who wants the word
04:13Bomb in the name of their city anyway? You know what? I gotta pee. Order like six more of these,
04:18and then we'll go dancing, and we'll split that hit of ecstasy I've been saving since 1998.
04:22Excuse me. Excuse me. Sir? Mr. Barton? Hello? Hello? I don't think really. Hello?
04:34Oh, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey. We don't wave a shoe. Never wave a shoe.
04:38In Thailand, that's considered a capital offense. And you've been to Thailand? No,
04:43but I have been to Myanmar. Which used to be Burma. Back in the day? I knew that.
04:48What do you have in here? Skinny margarita. Six of them. Really? Tyler, two shots of bourbon. Trust me.
04:57Um, I'm Josh. I'm Liza.
05:00Uh, so are these for real, or can you scrub them off whenever you want to?
05:06Scrub them off? Why would I, why would I want to scrub these off?
05:10My bad. You'll definitely want to take that skull with the rose between its teeth to your grave.
05:14Uh, it's, it's what I do. I'm a tattoo artist.
05:18I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to insult your work. Do you have your own parlor?
05:22Parlor? Parlor. You're not really from around here, are you?
05:27Just over the bridge.
05:29Yeah, I figured. Um, I have my own studio. It's more of like a lounge, really.
05:35Body art's this really personal experience. It's important that everybody feels comfortable.
05:40So, here's to being comfortable.
05:43You must get a lot of crazy requests.
05:54No, I do have no idea. Uh, last week I tattooed the insides of Lena Dunham's ass shinks.
06:00What? Why?
06:01Said she wanted to keep something private.
06:03Who's Lena Dunham?
06:05That's funny. So, uh, what about you? Hmm? What do you do?
06:10Um, I'm actually, I'm looking for work right now in publishing.
06:14Okay. And how's that going?
06:16It could be better. I took a bit of a sabbatical.
06:19Nice. Doing what?
06:23I, um, worked on a novel.
06:27And, um, and I did some volunteer work in India.
06:32That's amazing.
06:33I know. Yeah, I call it my eat, pray, endure chronic diarrhea period.
06:37All right, I'm going to steal your cell phone for a second.
06:41Wait a minute, why?
06:42Just relax, scaredy cat.
06:44What are you doing?
06:45I'm taking a picture of my junk.
06:47No.
06:49I'm adding myself to your calendar right here next Thursday.
06:54Are you asking me on a date?
06:57Is that a yes?
06:58I don't know. Let me see that junk shot first.
07:00Oh my God.
07:01I totally thought that was going to sound flirty, but it came out creepy.
07:03It came out really sexy, if you ask me.
07:05Please give me my phone. You are way too young for me.
07:11Whoa, whoa.
07:12I'm 26, dude. I mean, we gotta be the same age, give or take.
07:16My phone.
07:18Hey.
07:19Hey, uh, this is my girlfriend Maggie.
07:21My friend who is a girl named Maggie.
07:24And we need to get going.
07:26Yes.
07:26Okay.
07:27It was very nice to meet you.
07:29Dude.
07:30Oh my God.
07:43What are you doing? He was hot.
07:45I know, and I think you raped my phone.
07:47But get back in there.
07:48No.
07:48Oh, no, no, no, no, no. He thought I was in my 20s.
07:50What?
07:51Yes. What are they putting the drinks in that place, and how do we get it into the water supply?
07:54You know, actually, that's not a totally ludicrous assumption.
07:56We were discussing his junk, which I believe means penis, by the way.
08:00Uh-huh.
08:01You know, come over. I want to show you something.
08:03I've seen your weird nipple.
08:04No, not that.
08:05Look at yourself. You've got a great figure, great hair, great legs.
08:13I mean, that's what people see when they look at you. They don't see a number.
08:16The bar was dark, and the guy was drunk.
08:19Liza, you've always looked good for your age. I mean, you were getting carded until you were 30.
08:22I know, and my husband still leaves me for a younger woman. How's that for irony?
08:26Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself and listen to me?
08:29What, no one wants to hire a 40-year-old has-been? Telling me 26.
08:33Are you insane? Nobody's going to believe that.
08:34People believe what you tell them. They believe the real housewives are real.
08:38They think that coconut wood is going to shrink their ass. They'll believe you're 26.
08:45I'm going to need some highlights.
08:47Oh, girl, we're going way bigger than that.
08:51Like a bird in the verse
08:54What I saw through the blinds
08:57You'd say that I'm sane
09:00And from all the lines
09:03Who inspires you?
09:08Katniss Everdeen
09:09Favorite band?
09:10One Direction
09:11More specifically?
09:12Harry
09:13You ready?
09:15You've been out of school for four years?
09:38Mm-hmm
09:38What have you been doing?
09:40Mostly volunteer work in India
09:42And working on a novel
09:43Oh, I see
09:46And now you're ready for some real life
09:49I'm ready for a job
09:50Yes, well, I'm sorry to say there's not a lot here that suggests a work ethic
09:53Uh, Dartmouth
09:55Every young person who applies for this job is an Ivy League English major
10:00Can you answer phones for eight hours at a stretch without texting your friends?
10:04Can you make strong coffee, never wear perfume, and not annoy me?
10:07Okay, could you give me some guidelines? I mean, regarding what constitutes annoying behavior?
10:11That's an annoying question
10:12Noted
10:13I'm not here to give you guidelines or hold your hand or, God forbid, ever read that novel you've been working on since college
10:18I understand
10:19I'm a very hard worker
10:21I will figure out how to make your life easier and how never to annoy you
10:25Tell me, Leslie
10:27What would you say makes you special?
10:36I'm a grown-up
10:37I don't think I'm special
10:40Yes! Yes!
10:44Hey, it's Maggie
10:45Leave a message
10:45Maggie, you won't believe this
10:47I got the job
10:49I am working for Diana Trout, head of marketing
10:52Ah, 26
10:54Congrats
10:58Oh, thanks
11:00Or maybe I should say my condolences
11:02Excuse me?
11:03Oh, sorry
11:04I'm Kelsey Peters
11:06I'm an editor here, and I saw you meeting with Diana Trout
11:09Liza Miller, and I'm sure she's no picnic, but I'm just really happy to have a job
11:14Of course
11:15I didn't mean to shit in your Cheerios
11:17Okay
11:17It's a pretty cool company
11:18I started working here right out of college as an assistant, and I just made junior editor six months ago
11:23Wow
11:24Yeah, so basically I was you two years ago
11:27If you say so
11:28So what's the problem with Diana Trout?
11:32The problem with Troutpout is that she's 43 and divorced
11:35Tragic
11:37She sees girls like us come in here with our fresh ovaries
11:39And our faces plump with natural elasticity
11:41And she just wants to destroy us
11:43Well, thanks for the warning
11:44No problem
11:45It's called paying it forward
11:47As Taylor Swift said, there is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women
11:52I've got your back, girl
11:54Thanks
11:56Girl
11:58I need you to set up a Twitter account for Jane Austen and start writing her tweets
12:19Jane Austen?
12:20Dead Jane Austen?
12:21Yes
12:21We're releasing Pride and Prejudice as an e-book
12:23We need to make some noise in the Twitterverse
12:25You want me to tweet?
12:26As Jane
12:27Are you deaf?
12:27Is that how you got into Dartmouth?
12:29No, of course not
12:30Put her on Facebook and Match.com
12:32And Christian Mingo
12:33It's not hot enough
12:38Hey lady
12:45How's the first day going?
12:47Oh, it's going great
12:48Really great
12:49Hanging in
12:49Good
12:50You want to come join some friends after work for Krav Maga?
12:53Sure
12:53That sounds fun
12:54Refresh my memory
12:55Is that a bird or cocktail?
12:58You're funny
12:59Oh my god, you totally kicked ass in there
13:07More like I got my ass kicked
13:09Liza, this is Lauren
13:10She's a publicist at Hector and Dorff
13:12Hey, oh, I'm so sorry
13:14I think I accidentally punched you in the tit
13:15Oh, it's all good
13:16Hey, come have a drink
13:17I want you to meet Thad
13:19Who's Thad?
13:20This is my boyfriend
13:21He's a hedge fund guy
13:22But don't hold that against him
13:23He's really great
13:24Cool
13:24Oh my god
13:27What?
13:27What?
13:28That bush
13:29Wow
13:31Oh, it looks like my mother's vagina
13:34Don't you wax?
13:36I, uh, I just came back from three years in India
13:38Hey, can I put the bush up on Instagram from Hector and Dorff?
13:41They're always looking for inspiration
13:43No, you may not
13:44And for your information, I call it a Wisconsin
13:47So, what year did you say you graduated Dartmouth?
13:58Oh, uh, that must have been, um, uh, 08?
14:02Oh, so you must know Craig Fowler
14:03Oh, yeah, everybody knows Fowler
14:06Fowler loved the ladies
14:07Fowler's gay
14:09Right
14:10he loved the ladies as friends and he loved the dudes for the hot sex babe i'm empty here oh sorry
14:19i'll be right back yeah he works at our firm but i think he was 06 but i bet you guys know a ton
14:25of people in common no i i didn't have much of a social life i uh i participated in a lot of sit-ins
14:31so i got arrested like every weekend and then you spent three years in india yeah about that
14:37doing what uh working for various charity organizations such as excuse me is this a
14:41background check oh no i'm just curious i think it's cool cool yeah it wasn't cool bad it was a war
14:49zone because that's what real poverty is it's a war zone with all its attendant misery bad hygiene
14:54and deprivation is that why your bush turned gray yeah partially gray because of some of the things
15:03i saw and maybe some of the things i smelled yeah i don't know i haven't quite processed it all yet
15:08let me ask you something you've seen a lot of vaginas right i've seen my fair share so
15:21what's in style why do you ask well last night at the gym i was almost busted when i was changing
15:29apparently nobody under 30 looks a day over 12 down there i've got someone that can help you with
15:35that i know this girl well technically she's a man now but he's great oh god this is insane so keep
15:41the bush i mean i hear it's coming back in style no i mean insane thinking i can get away with this
15:46do i really want to trade my dignity wisdom and self-respect for another chance at my 20s
15:51yes yes you do
15:54jane austen has over 1 000 followers how cool is that am i supposed to congratulate you
16:16uh no i just just expected a gold star for doing your job that's the problem with your generation
16:21leslie right by the way i have another idea for the pride and prejudice reissue maybe we could ask
16:28a writer like jk rowling or stephanie meyer to write an intro it would be a really great marketing
16:33hook oh is that your idea of a really great marketing hook poaching a world-class writer from
16:39a rival publishing house to promote one of our reissues it's time for our staff meeting you should be
16:44fetching me coffee not pitching me ridiculous ideas
16:46you're right she is that bad told you you gotta just suck it up for at least a year
16:53and then with my help you could have her job what no i'm just happy to have a job
16:59liza trout pout is 43 she says she's 41 but trust me i know she lies about her age how pathetic is that
17:07that's totes pathetic hashtag pathetic exactly she's hit her head on the glass ceiling so many
17:14times she's got dementia kelsey i don't understand you are such a strong woman at work
17:19but then around thad what what about that i just don't like the way he treats you
17:23what are you talking about a little subservient you can't let men get away with that girl
17:29i like doing things for my man lighten up judge judy
17:33amazon is promising us the home page for three days we're also providing free interactive study
17:42guides to every high school well love the art but it's gonna need a better hook if you want us to
17:47market these what if we got a world-class author from our own stable to write the intros to the austin
17:56books jennifer weiner's book drops next month and i happen to know she loves austin perfect
18:04all right who's the gangster
18:09are you serious
18:13get out sorry sorry
18:21oh my god what is happening i have no idea somebody's been messing with my phone
18:28hmm looks like you have a date tonight with josh and josh is cute where is he taking you
18:37uh no i can't chop out has me buried with work eliza are you crazy we're only in our 20s once
18:43i know you're right it's true well you gotta live it before you know it you're gonna be in your 40s
18:48living in a house in the suburbs with a husband who watches tv all night while you're in your bathtub
18:54spritzing your shower hose on your special place i think they call it a wand
18:59help me with my makeup yes
19:20i lost everything
19:29kaitlyn hey is everything okay mom where have you been you haven't called in a week i was trying
19:35to give you your space well i didn't mean for you to ignore me i'm sorry how's mumbai
19:42i miss home and i miss you mom please don't sell the house don't worry we'll find another it's just all
19:48hitting me you know you and dad it's just so sad and i hate curry it's gonna be okay i promise
19:56i want to come home then come home come home honey where will we live
20:06we'll figure it out i love you honey i'll call you tomorrow okay
20:09hey scaredy cat where are you going
20:21just coming to meet you
20:33i feel too good myself
20:35don't you feel all right
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