- 20 hours ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Satan. The Devil. Lucifer. Prince of Darkness. Yen Luang. Belial. Abaddon.
00:00:30Weaselbub. Prince of Darkness.
00:00:41Weaselbub. Belial. Abaddon.
00:00:48Satan. The Devil. Lucifer. The Gills of Belial. Prince of Darkness.
00:01:00Good morning. Neil. Huh?
00:01:11What? Too daring?
00:01:13Yeah, not if you're daring people to kick your ass.
00:01:15It's called peacocking, bro. All right? Females are attracted to bright colors.
00:01:20How's it working so far?
00:01:22You know, it's working well. You gotta play to your strengths. Style and charm.
00:01:26All right.
00:01:27You should play to yours. You should bust out those panty-dropping card tricks that you never show anyone.
00:01:31Girls don't like card tricks.
00:01:33Are you kidding?
00:01:35Of course they do.
00:01:36Well, they don't.
00:01:37Yeah, they do.
00:01:38Dude, according to men's health, females are 18% more likely to sleep with a guy after seeing a card trick.
00:01:44Yeah.
00:01:45Really?
00:01:46Yeah.
00:01:46Yeah.
00:01:47May 2010. Look it up.
00:01:48May 2010.
00:01:49Hey, gorgeous. Gorgeous. Would you like to see a card trick?
00:01:55Sure.
00:01:56All right.
00:01:58Pick one and, uh, don't show me.
00:02:03Now, um, tear it up.
00:02:05Okay.
00:02:06I can have that back.
00:02:10Give it to him.
00:02:11Yeah, give it to him.
00:02:17Is this your card?
00:02:20No.
00:02:21Not even close.
00:02:24Check your bra.
00:02:27What?
00:02:29Check your bra.
00:02:33Okay.
00:02:36That's amazing.
00:02:37How did you do that?
00:02:39I can't tell you.
00:02:41Coming?
00:02:41Oh, my God.
00:02:42It's working.
00:02:44Listen, I'm having a party at my house next weekend.
00:02:48You should come.
00:02:50That sounds, uh, amazing.
00:02:52But I've got this church thing, so...
00:02:55Church thing.
00:02:57Church thing.
00:02:59No, no, no, no, no.
00:03:00Neil just gets exhausted after a show.
00:03:02You gotta give him a break.
00:03:04What?
00:03:08What the hell was that, man?
00:03:09Church?
00:03:11Let's try to get in her pants.
00:03:12No, not convert her.
00:03:14No, I'm blue.
00:03:15You at least touched her boot.
00:03:17I didn't.
00:03:18Well, how did you...
00:03:20It was magic.
00:03:21Are you magically touching a boot right now?
00:03:24Hey, Denise, you just totally felt up Cheryl.
00:03:26Yeah, I know.
00:03:27And so does Kent.
00:03:28He's on a rampage.
00:03:29You better hide your ass.
00:03:30Oh, shit.
00:03:31Oh, shit.
00:03:32Over here.
00:03:34Over here.
00:03:35Oh, fuck.
00:03:37Oh, shit.
00:03:38Yes.
00:03:40It's big.
00:03:41Oh, shit.
00:03:42Where's that little shit?
00:03:50Uh...
00:03:52The...
00:03:52Uh, Neil.
00:03:55Neil, yeah.
00:03:56Neil is, uh...
00:03:57You know Neil.
00:03:58You put a card in my girlfriend's bra.
00:04:00I'm gonna tear him in half like a phone book.
00:04:02Open the door or I'll put you through it.
00:04:04Uh...
00:04:04I'm...
00:04:06All right, man.
00:04:09Just...
00:04:09What the fuck are you doing in there?
00:04:17You jacking it?
00:04:18Hey, everyone.
00:04:19Neil's jerking off in the closet.
00:04:21What a fucking gross little perv.
00:04:24Leave him alone, asshole.
00:04:26Go.
00:04:28Let's let him finish.
00:04:29I don't know.
00:04:49Wouldn't you rather be sleeping in on the weekends?
00:04:51I mean, an hour a week and it makes her parents happy.
00:04:54I fucking hate church.
00:04:55Don't wane.
00:04:57Come on.
00:04:57Put your robe on.
00:04:58Wait, wait.
00:05:00In nomine satanus.
00:05:03Hail Satan.
00:05:04Hail Satan.
00:05:05Hail Satan.
00:05:08And thank you, Satan.
00:05:10Ah.
00:05:10Brothers and sisters, as the celebration of Astaroth approaches, it is time to ask ourselves,
00:05:27why do we worship Satan?
00:05:29Is it for the power he has promised us?
00:05:32Is it to be on the winning side at the final battle of Armageddon?
00:05:36The worship of Satan allows us to eat freely from the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
00:05:45It gives us the freedom to indulge our senses in the pleasures of earth, heaven, and hell.
00:05:57Jesus Christ.
00:05:59Blasphemy.
00:06:00If we could have everybody, if we could have everybody's undivided attention, thank you.
00:06:08Where was I?
00:06:10Side of truth.
00:06:11Oh, yes.
00:06:12Brothers and sisters, the worship of Satan is all of these things.
00:06:17But most of all, it is to be on the side of truth.
00:06:23Let the scales fall from your eyes.
00:06:26For God is the deceiver.
00:06:29And Satan is the salvation.
00:06:31Soon, we will perform the celebration of Astaroth.
00:06:38Our young brother Neil will give himself over completely to our lord to foil the accursed forces of heaven.
00:06:49Hail, Satan!
00:06:50Hail, Satan!
00:06:52Bring forth the offering.
00:06:55Oh, look, it's so cold.
00:07:01Lord, please accept this humble sacrifice.
00:07:07I would totally trade places with that coat right now.
00:07:09The token of our fate.
00:07:11Just keep watching.
00:07:13Enomine Satanis!
00:07:15Yes!
00:07:20And remember, this Wednesday, we're having a bake sale to raise money for our bowling team.
00:07:25And also, the star of our upcoming Celebration of Astaroth ceremony, Neil.
00:07:30Neil is working so hard to prepare.
00:07:33Let's show him our support.
00:07:35Oh, yeah.
00:07:37Oh, yeah.
00:07:41Hey, um, so this talking during church thing, pretty fun, is it?
00:07:46Mom, Dad, okay?
00:07:48No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:07:49You know what, I can actually see how joking and laughing and embarrassing your family, you know, instead of paying attention to the sermon could be a little entertaining.
00:07:57Matt totally started it.
00:07:58Okay, it's always Matt's fault, huh?
00:08:00Yes, actually, it is.
00:08:02Are you gonna go through the rest of your life never taking responsibility for your actions, huh?
00:08:07Yeah.
00:08:08Oh, really?
00:08:12Sheldon, hi.
00:08:14Uh, we were just talking about how sorry we are for that interruption during the sermon.
00:08:18I should certainly hope so.
00:08:21You understand that next time it's quite a different story?
00:08:26Yes, sir.
00:08:27How are the preparations going?
00:08:29Oh, he's ready.
00:08:30In fact, uh, why don't you recite for them the names of our lord?
00:08:35Yes.
00:08:37Do tell.
00:08:40Tell us.
00:08:42Lucifer.
00:08:43Athmit.
00:08:44Beelzebub.
00:08:45Uh, that's Beelzebub.
00:08:50There are over 40 in them.
00:08:53There's such fabulous things in store for you.
00:09:00Can I go?
00:09:03Hmm.
00:09:08We're all very excited for the ceremony.
00:09:13So am I.
00:09:15It should be fun.
00:09:22So you've kept him chaste?
00:09:25Oh, that problem kind of took care of itself.
00:09:28You know, I never got into trouble until your family joined this church.
00:09:32Yeah, you never had any fun either.
00:09:34Did you?
00:09:34Get off me.
00:09:34Did you?
00:09:35Huh?
00:09:39You know, I still just don't understand this whole oath business.
00:09:43Like, they made you lock up your dick while they're all getting it on?
00:09:46That doesn't make any sense.
00:09:48Not fucking fair.
00:09:49They're stealing the greatest part of your youth.
00:09:51The hot, steamy, sexual part.
00:09:54Why would you agree with something like that?
00:09:56I'm not getting late because I'm not allowed to.
00:09:59What's your excuse?
00:10:00Oh, I see, I see.
00:10:01So you're, uh, you're scared, huh?
00:10:03I'm scared.
00:10:04No, no, you got a little case of the vagophobia?
00:10:06I don't have a vagophobia.
00:10:07Seriously, though, you just gotta, you gotta figure this shit out, man, before it's too late.
00:10:11Hey, Dad.
00:10:12I mean, because really, Neil, what we should be doing is tripping over each other's dick to see who could bag the most babes.
00:10:18You know?
00:10:19Fuck something.
00:10:21Anything.
00:10:22Matt.
00:10:22That kid's got problems.
00:10:25Yeah, and that problem is you.
00:10:27Bye, Neil.
00:10:29We just wanted to make sure that both of you were spiritually prepared for what's going to happen.
00:10:33Of course.
00:10:35It's a great honor.
00:10:37It will all be over very quickly, right?
00:10:40Oh, just as quick as I can make it, my dear.
00:10:43I can assure you that...
00:10:45That the dagger plunges into the flesh swiftly, smoothly.
00:10:49That sounds so painful.
00:10:51Oh, no, no, no.
00:10:52It'll feel a little pinched, but for no more than an instant.
00:10:55So, no pain?
00:10:57No, there will be pain.
00:10:58Extreme pain.
00:10:59And blood.
00:11:01Lots and lots of it.
00:11:02I'm so sorry.
00:11:05As I was saying, this whole process is not only painless, but euphoric.
00:11:10I have a crazy idea.
00:11:14Why don't we just sit him down and explain everything to him?
00:11:19That way he'll be prepared.
00:11:21What are you going to tell him, okay?
00:11:23That his best friend is going to have to mop him up after the ceremony?
00:11:26No.
00:11:27Shelley, come on.
00:11:28He'll accept it.
00:11:30He loves Satan.
00:11:31Sheldon, I'm so sorry.
00:11:33No, no, no.
00:11:34Please, please.
00:11:35Okay.
00:11:35There's no reason to confuse the little pillow.
00:11:41We don't have time for second thoughts.
00:11:45If we don't perform the ritual on the equinox of his 18th year,
00:11:50Jesus Christ will return and usher in a thousand years of peace on Earth.
00:11:56Is that what you want?
00:11:59No.
00:11:59I didn't think so.
00:12:05So my advice to you is to put your misgivings aside and focus on the positive.
00:12:11Eat some cake.
00:12:20Yeah, you should be enjoying your big night.
00:12:22Want some ice cream on that?
00:12:24You should be eating like there's no tomorrow.
00:12:27It's a clown, Dad.
00:12:29I'm 18.
00:12:29Why don't you tell us what's wrong?
00:12:33Is it a girl?
00:12:33No.
00:12:40Actually, yeah, kind of.
00:12:45Huh?
00:12:49Something happened.
00:12:52I'm not going to bore you with the details.
00:12:53You're going to look me in the eye, and you're going to answer me truthfully.
00:12:57Was there any physical contact?
00:12:59No.
00:13:00So there was no intercourse?
00:13:02Intercourse?
00:13:03No.
00:13:04And no oral?
00:13:05Giving or receiving.
00:13:07No.
00:13:08What about anal?
00:13:09Jesus, Mom.
00:13:10Answer your mother.
00:13:11Was there anal?
00:13:12No, no, okay, look, something happened that will ensure I will never get laid in my whole life.
00:13:19Son, look, you know you can talk to me about anything.
00:13:22I didn't break my stupid oath, all right?
00:13:28Okay, then.
00:13:31Your oath isn't stupid, honey.
00:13:33It's the whole reason you were born.
00:13:36We were your age when I conceived, and we just, we just didn't know what to do.
00:13:41But Sheldon told us that you had a special purpose.
00:13:46Look, I'm sure you're going through some pretty depressing teenage stuff right now.
00:13:51Been there, done that.
00:13:53Even I had a stupid haircut once, didn't I?
00:13:57But you are representing our family and our church.
00:14:01When it is all over, you will have a fuller understanding of what it is all about.
00:14:06You're going to take a leak.
00:14:07Gary, we need to tell him.
00:14:16You know how you hate surprises.
00:14:18If we just explain it to him.
00:14:19Absolutely not.
00:14:21He'll cause a scene.
00:14:22Crying and kicking and screaming.
00:14:24Do you want other people to see that?
00:14:27Look, you heard him, okay?
00:14:28He has suffered enough humiliation.
00:14:30Trust me.
00:14:31I want you to know that it won't just be Neil who will be rewarded for his sacrifice.
00:15:00To a new era.
00:15:03To a new era.
00:15:10It's almost sundown, dear.
00:15:12Oh.
00:15:13Would you kindly excuse us?
00:15:15Of course.
00:15:23Evening.
00:15:27Good evening.
00:15:28I'm so proud of you.
00:15:40Thanks.
00:15:42You've been such a good son.
00:15:43Where he is, buddy?
00:16:04Huh?
00:16:05Man of the hour.
00:16:06Listen, I heard that after the confirmation, you get to bone any woman you want from within
00:16:12the congregation.
00:16:14If you were me, I'd go for Colette and make her boyfriend fucking watch.
00:16:17Don't embarrass me.
00:16:18Do I ever?
00:16:20Before?
00:16:24Oh.
00:16:25Actually, let's get a home.
00:16:27Excuse me.
00:16:28You'll find me.
00:16:31Let's stand here.
00:16:33Hello.
00:16:33Hi.
00:16:43Are you excited?
00:16:45Brothers and sisters, we are gathered together for an ancient ceremony, momentous and beautiful.
00:17:02Before we begin, please turn off your cell phones and all other electronic devices.
00:17:08Eighteen years ago, our Lord chose this young man to join him in battle against the great deceiver.
00:17:22His spirit will join with the Father on this night.
00:17:28We now ask young Neil to lay his earthly vessel upon our altar.
00:17:34We are the handmaidens of our Lord.
00:17:51Dude, I think they're going to fuck you right here in front of everyone.
00:17:57In nominate Satanus.
00:17:59In nominate Satanus.
00:18:01Now the time approaches to release his spirit into the arms of our Father.
00:18:08When upon his soul will join our King for all eternity.
00:18:15The sacrificial lamb will stand with Lucifer in Hades.
00:18:23Oh, sacrificial lamb.
00:18:25It's a metaphor.
00:18:25As we tear the Virgin's flesh asunder.
00:18:29So that the blood may spill forth in holy offering.
00:18:33In nominate Satanus.
00:18:38In nominate Satanus.
00:18:39In nominate Satanus.
00:18:42Dude.
00:18:44Satanus Rex.
00:18:46Dude.
00:18:47Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:18:47What the?
00:18:48In nominate Satanus.
00:18:50Satanus.
00:18:51Neal, Neal, Neal.
00:18:53Hey!
00:18:54Neal!
00:18:54Neal!
00:18:55Neal!
00:18:55After him!
00:18:56Neal!
00:18:57Neal!
00:18:58Get back here!
00:19:00Whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:19:01Whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:19:02Whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:19:03Whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:19:04Whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:19:05Whoa!
00:19:06Whoa!
00:19:07That should work.
00:19:08OK.
00:19:09Oh, shit.
00:19:10Come on.
00:19:11Oh, fuck.
00:19:21Oh, fuck.
00:19:22God.
00:19:22Good job.
00:19:33Come on!
00:19:33Come on!
00:19:34Come on!
00:19:35Come on!
00:19:36That's OK!
00:19:37Come on!
00:19:38Come here.
00:19:39Quickly!
00:19:39Come on.
00:19:40In air!
00:19:41Oh!
00:19:41There they go!
00:19:42Where's my other shoe?
00:19:43Where's my other shoe?
00:19:46I'm so sorry, Sheldon.
00:19:48I mean, what can I say?
00:19:51You can say nothing.
00:19:55Get that.
00:19:56Yeah.
00:19:57How long will you?
00:19:58Till sunrise or the window will close.
00:20:00If we fail, his wrath will fall on us all.
00:20:05No, that won't happen.
00:20:06I'll go get him.
00:20:07He'll be back on that altar in no time.
00:20:10No!
00:20:11You stay right here.
00:20:14Take these two with you and fetch them back.
00:20:18We need a soft touch to lure them back.
00:20:23You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Colette?
00:20:27I think so.
00:20:28Good girl.
00:20:30Now go.
00:20:34And remember, as always, to keep a low profile.
00:20:40And you, if they don't return, consider yourself excommunicated and you will never see the gates of hell.
00:20:53Matt!
00:20:54Matt!
00:20:55Matt!
00:20:56What the fuck you doing?
00:20:57Matt!
00:20:58What the fuck, man?
00:20:59You can't take that.
00:21:00That's my family's Mexico money for this.
00:21:01Oh.
00:21:02Oh, I'm sorry.
00:21:03Why don't you enjoy your lovely time in Acapulco and don't forget to send me a postcard before they murder you?
00:21:10Dude, look, my dad's an asshole too, okay?
00:21:11I know.
00:21:12Oh, fuck me.
00:21:13I'm calling the cops.
00:21:14What?
00:21:15Oh, no, no, no.
00:21:16Don't do that.
00:21:17Don't do that.
00:21:18All right?
00:21:19My dad's a cop and half the force goes to our church.
00:21:21Police, please.
00:21:22Get me.
00:21:23Hello?
00:21:24Hey, it's Matt, Paul's kid.
00:21:25My dad's gone rogue.
00:21:26Matt, where are you?
00:21:27I'm at my friend Neil's house.
00:21:28Is Neil with you?
00:21:29Stay where you are.
00:21:30We'll send somebody right now.
00:21:31Who are you sending?
00:21:32Just stay where you are, Matt.
00:21:33Oh, shit.
00:21:34Fuck.
00:21:35We gotta go.
00:21:36This sucks.
00:21:37We could be at Cheryl's party right now.
00:21:38I'm totally enjoying the all-you-can-eat vagina buffet or mu-fay, if you will.
00:21:41Wait.
00:21:42This all happened because you're a virgin, right?
00:21:43So, so, so we can go to our church.
00:21:44I love to our church.
00:21:45Oh, no, no.
00:21:46No, no.
00:21:47You're a virgin.
00:21:48No, no, no, no.
00:21:49No, no, no.
00:21:50No, no, no.
00:21:51No.
00:21:52No, no, no, no, no.
00:21:53No, no, no.
00:21:54No, no.
00:21:55No, no, no.
00:21:56No, no, no, no.
00:21:57No, no, no.
00:21:58No, no, no, no, no.
00:21:59No, no, no, no.
00:22:00I'm just gonna be like, no.
00:22:01This all happened because you're a virgin, right?
00:22:04So, so, so we get you laid.
00:22:06Problem solved.
00:22:09Oh, I got it.
00:22:11Who are you calling?
00:22:12But stop, stop, stop calling people, okay?
00:22:15What?
00:22:16Denise!
00:22:17A friend of mine.
00:22:18Oh, that's brilliant.
00:22:19Come on.
00:22:20Oh, I mean, we give her rides all the time.
00:22:31Neil?
00:22:45Matty?
00:22:50You guys here?
00:22:52Come on out.
00:22:54Matty?
00:23:04You guys here?
00:23:05Come on out.
00:23:24You're overthinking this, man.
00:23:34She's my friend, all right?
00:23:36I just, I just don't want her to feel like she's being used.
00:23:39She's not being used.
00:23:40She's saving your life.
00:23:41I know.
00:23:42She's saving my life.
00:23:43Exactly.
00:23:44That's why I'm just gonna tell her the truth, all right?
00:23:46Denise is super cool, man.
00:23:47She'll, she'll totally get it.
00:23:48No, that's sweet, okay?
00:23:49But women don't really respond well to the truth, okay?
00:23:52It's like, they like mystery.
00:23:54It's like your magic.
00:23:55If you told them how you did the magic, you lose the magic, right?
00:23:59Ask me how big my dick is.
00:24:01What?
00:24:02Why would I ask you that?
00:24:03Besides, I've seen it.
00:24:04Looks like a toe.
00:24:05Just bear with me, okay?
00:24:07Just, just ask.
00:24:09How big is your dick?
00:24:11Well, I don't really like to talk about it, but you know, it's nine and a half inches.
00:24:16Okay?
00:24:17See?
00:24:18Now, I'll ask you.
00:24:19How big is your dick?
00:24:20I don't know.
00:24:21I've never measured it.
00:24:22Average?
00:24:23Wrong.
00:24:24Ten inches.
00:24:25Why would I lie?
00:24:26If the lie works, I'm gonna get caught.
00:24:27It doesn't matter.
00:24:28That's the thing.
00:24:29Okay?
00:24:30Once she finds out that it's only five inches, it's already two inches deep.
00:24:34Oh, okay.
00:24:35Matt, you're gonna stay outside, okay?
00:24:36Yeah.
00:24:37I'm not doing this for naught.
00:24:38It's fine.
00:24:39That's fine.
00:24:40I've washed my hands of this.
00:24:41I just, I'll just, uh, be out here making phone calls.
00:24:45No Cheryl's, huh?
00:24:46Wasn't, wasn't feeling it.
00:24:47Um, can I come in?
00:24:48Yeah, sure.
00:24:49Why not?
00:24:50Are your parents home?
00:24:51No.
00:24:52Ugh, I've been stuck on this level for, like, two days.
00:24:53Is there one more day of this and I'm pillaging the internet for cheat codes?
00:24:58Dude, can you sit down?
00:24:59This is pretty annoying.
00:25:00Okay.
00:25:01Okay, uh, I really need to talk, I really, I really need to talk to you about something.
00:25:07It's kind of a big deal.
00:25:08Okay, talk.
00:25:09Okay, talk.
00:25:10Yeah, only Denise can this bit, it's a...
00:25:11okay.
00:25:12Hey, Amy.
00:25:13It's Matt.
00:25:14Listen, there's some...
00:25:15crazy...
00:25:16are we asking the questions?
00:25:17I'm opening the problem.
00:25:18You're right.
00:25:19Oh, my God, come on.
00:25:20You're not waiting.
00:25:21I'm turning the room.
00:25:22We're out here.
00:25:23No.
00:25:24Bye.
00:25:25I'm trying.
00:25:26You're not waiting for anything.
00:25:27I'm doing this.
00:25:28Yeah.
00:25:29Okay.
00:25:30I'm just going to take a nap.
00:25:31You're not waiting for people to come back.
00:25:32You're not waiting for a long time.
00:25:33I'm actually waiting for more day of this and I'm pillaging the internet for cheat codes.
00:25:35Dude, can you sit down?
00:25:36This is pretty annoying.
00:25:37Okay, okay.
00:25:39crazy shit going down tonight like end of the world type stuff so Cheryl's
00:25:46party might be your last chance to get with me all right Hollaback you know
00:25:51how much I respect you yeah so much yeah okay okay um yeah I think you're
00:26:00awesome I think you're kind of a dork oh what I'm about to ask I could never ask
00:26:07anybody else okay drama queen I need I just need you to say that you will do
00:26:16this one thing for me and I promise I will never ask you for anything ever
00:26:21again as long as I live which might not be for long yeah let's hear it I need you
00:26:29to have sex with me tonight if you don't I'm gonna die I just I just
00:26:37need to put it in it doesn't have to be anything special I don't know what the
00:26:40fuck I'm gonna be doing but I don't even know the rules I don't I don't know I
00:26:43just fuck you
00:26:49there's some crazy shit going down tonight like end of the world type stuff so
00:26:54Cheryl's party might be your last chance to get with me so hold back Emily I would
00:27:00never even think of doing anything remotely sexual with you but I'm really
00:27:04fucking desperate I just need you to just let me just fuck like just thinking no
00:27:09no no meaning to it just the tip anything keep going lover boy really my panties
00:27:14are dripping
00:27:21yeah let's do it really the sheer balls of it is impressive I swear I'm not
00:27:25fucking with you okay you know the church my family belongs to it's kind of
00:27:29different well they just tried to sacrifice me because I'm a virgin what
00:27:34yeah I know what a fucking virgin is but what the fuck are you talking about
00:27:39unless I lose my virginity tonight they're gonna sacrifice my ass to say
00:27:45they're here come on oh my god Neil oh
00:27:50Denise it's not fucking funny
00:27:51listen I need to know if this is gonna happen or I really gotta run
00:27:59Neil I don't know what the fuck you're on but you're being a real asshole right now
00:28:02I'm gonna get the door oh fuck yeah hey oh my god this is so annoying but you
00:28:13wouldn't happen to have seen Neil no well we were all just hanging out at the
00:28:18mall you know listening to CDs and he just ran off we think you might be
00:28:24losing his mind we were just really worried so well he was babbling nonsense so you
00:28:30saw him yeah do you want to maybe tell us where he went sorry who are you guys
00:28:37well hi I'm Brad it would be really helpful if you could help us find me
00:28:43all right yeah come in
00:28:48how'd they know we were here I don't know
00:28:54fuck oh shit shit shit oh come on come on
00:29:01come on I gotcha let's go no so it's just down the street here oh but it's a one
00:29:07way so you should just go around via oak and Cheryl's house should just be right
00:29:12there you've been incredibly helpful thank you yeah how do you guys know Neil
00:29:23again from a church what church is that you've never heard of it we worship Satan
00:29:28fuck dude you have nothing to lose no humiliation is worse than death you've never walked into a room
00:29:52where everybody's seen you wearing jizz ah yes I have I can't do it I choose death
00:29:59what what no no no no no no no no wait wait wait okay your parents almost killing you tonight that's
00:30:05the best thing that could have happened to you they'd lit a fire under your ass to go out there
00:30:09grab life by the ears and make sweet sweet love to his mouth
00:30:12fuck you're a selfish prick you know that
00:30:17how am I selfish because this is your last chance
00:30:22Neil you don't go in there and bust your hymen then you're a dead man
00:30:26and then that's on my head and I can't live with that shit so fuck you
00:30:30I wouldn't want me dying to be a source of guilt for you or anything
00:30:36yes
00:30:38see not so bad huh
00:30:51uh shit uh let's get you beer this way ladies you guys know Neil right
00:31:00here we go here we go here we go here you're fun baby
00:31:10Neil Neil Neil hey look everybody it's the man himself let's all do the fucking Neil
00:31:28oh my god that was the worst thing I've ever seen happen to anybody you need a shot
00:31:41hitting bottom nowhere to go but up don't worry
00:31:49who's in there I think it's not masturbating
00:32:16Who's in there?
00:32:18I think it's that masturbating guy.
00:32:21Hey man you jerking off in there.
00:32:24Get some rhythm bro.
00:32:26Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
00:32:56What the fuck do you think you're doing?
00:33:05Behold, the great master Bader.
00:33:12And I give to you my fabulous phallus of fun.
00:33:18Ooh.
00:33:26Thank you, thank you.
00:33:33Now I need a volunteer for this next trick.
00:33:36How about, um, you?
00:33:41Fuck that.
00:33:42We got a bash for one, folks.
00:33:44Let's give them some encouragement.
00:33:45Uh, Ken!
00:33:47Ken!
00:33:47Ken!
00:33:48Ken!
00:33:49Ken!
00:33:50Ken!
00:33:51Ken!
00:33:52Ken!
00:33:53Ken!
00:33:54Ken!
00:33:55Ken!
00:33:56Ken!
00:33:57Ken!
00:34:02Now I need complete silence for this next trick.
00:34:06Touch me and you're a dead man.
00:34:09You're a dead man.
00:34:12All right.
00:34:16Pick a card, any card.
00:34:19What?
00:34:20A stupid card trick?
00:34:22Any card at all.
00:34:27Now show it to the room.
00:34:30You guys get a good look.
00:34:31Yeah.
00:34:32Now put it back.
00:34:35All right.
00:34:37Ken.
00:34:39Is this your card?
00:34:41Fuck no.
00:34:43Is this his card?
00:34:45Oh.
00:34:47Hmm.
00:34:49Check your pants.
00:34:51Check my what?
00:34:53Your pants.
00:34:56Fuck!
00:34:58Fuck!
00:35:01Fuck!
00:35:11That was, uh...
00:35:13That was pretty awesome.
00:35:14Yeah.
00:35:15Do you want to see another one?
00:35:18Maybe.
00:35:31Oh, fuck.
00:35:48Oh, fuck.
00:35:50Just...
00:35:55Ah!
00:35:56You like my outfit?
00:35:57It's really pretty.
00:35:58Yeah.
00:35:59Thanks.
00:36:01Take the back of the knee, right?
00:36:02Surprisingly sensitive.
00:36:03It can't always be about the clitoris.
00:36:06Oh!
00:36:07Hey!
00:36:08You go to my church.
00:36:09Oh, that's right.
00:36:10It is so good to see you.
00:36:11It is good to see you.
00:36:12So, where's Neil?
00:36:13Neil?
00:36:14Neil?
00:36:15Neil's amazing.
00:36:16I know, right?
00:36:17Where is he?
00:36:18No, no, no, no.
00:36:19I'm not telling you.
00:36:20No, no, no, no.
00:36:21I'm not telling you.
00:36:22You?
00:36:23I'm not gonna tell.
00:36:24Please tell me.
00:36:25Please.
00:36:26Please.
00:36:27Please.
00:36:28Tell me.
00:36:29You smell like cinnamon.
00:36:30Ah, okay, okay.
00:36:31I'll tell you, okay.
00:36:32But you're a little late.
00:36:33Okay.
00:36:34Okay.
00:36:35But you're a little late.
00:36:36Okay.
00:36:37Okay.
00:36:38You go to my church.
00:36:39You go to my church.
00:36:40Oh, that's right.
00:36:41It is so good to see you.
00:36:42It's good to see you.
00:36:43So, where's Neil?
00:36:44Neil?
00:36:45Neil's amazing.
00:36:46Okay.
00:36:47Okay.
00:36:48Okay.
00:36:49I'll tell you.
00:36:50Okay.
00:36:51But you're a little late, because he's already...
00:37:01So, what are you into?
00:37:03Besides magic, I like video games.
00:37:06I kind of like the retro stuff, because it's more about the gameplay.
00:37:11I meant like in bed.
00:37:13I think...
00:37:14Oh.
00:37:17You want to fuck me, don't you?
00:37:20That would be super helpful.
00:37:24Yeah.
00:37:25Yeah, I mean, yes.
00:37:26Okay.
00:37:32Neil?
00:37:36Neil, are you up here?
00:37:37here. Are you ready? I think so. Oh, you feel ready. I feel ready. This is not what it looks like.
00:37:53Cheryl, Billy. Oh, I asked you first. You know, I just came to warn you that these people from
00:37:59your church are coming. Can we still do this? You're kidding, right?
00:38:07Oh, shit. Fuck. Do something.
00:38:27That was close. Let's go. I know. I'll stay here and buy you some time. Denise, it's not safe.
00:38:33They're not after me, okay? We'll catch up later and see what happens.
00:38:35Yes. So you believe me now? Yes, I believe you're being hunted by a satanic cult.
00:38:41Cult.
00:38:47Did you see Neil? Jesus. Is every girl at this party trying to get with him? Where is he?
00:38:53Hey. Hey.
00:39:02Matt?
00:39:02Matt?
00:39:05Oh, my God. Hey. You know, I was wondering where all the hot guys were.
00:39:12What are you doing here?
00:39:20Matt, come on. We have to go.
00:39:21What?
00:39:22We have to go. Get up.
00:39:24Wait, wait, wait. Do you want to puke in my teeth?
00:39:26Hey. Where's your friend?
00:39:28Who? Neil? Uh, did you try upstairs?
00:39:32Yeah.
00:39:38Oh, I was stressed.
00:39:40Oh.
00:39:41Oh.
00:39:42Ow.
00:39:43Dude.
00:39:44Oh, the keys.
00:39:45You gotta go, man.
00:39:47All right.
00:39:48I got the key.
00:39:48You're all smiling.
00:39:54Um, hey, guys. Where are you going?
00:39:57Not stealing your car.
00:39:59No.
00:40:00We're borrowing it.
00:40:01Ah!
00:40:02Ah!
00:40:03Ah!
00:40:03Ah!
00:40:07No!
00:40:07That's it.
00:40:08That's it for you, mate.
00:40:10All right.
00:40:10Oh!
00:40:11So, this church, is it a new, like, regular church, or something?
00:40:18No.
00:40:19It's exact opposite.
00:40:21Oh, okay.
00:40:21So, you're altar boys and what's your priest?
00:40:23I don't really know.
00:40:29Oh, shit!
00:40:30Hey!
00:40:31There.
00:40:33You better drive.
00:40:34We gotta be responsible in here.
00:40:39Ah!
00:40:39Ah!
00:40:40Ah!
00:40:40They're not gonna hurt you!
00:40:42Go, go, go, go, go!
00:40:43Get out of the goddamn car!
00:40:45Go, go, go, go, go!
00:40:46Come on!
00:40:51Get the truck!
00:40:54Put her in the car!
00:41:03How the fuck did they find us?
00:41:05I'll tell you how.
00:41:06Your friend without benefits sold us out.
00:41:08Denise, no fucking way, man.
00:41:11She helped us escape, dude.
00:41:13Ah, barely.
00:41:13You don't know what you're talking about.
00:41:15How about your dad, the cop?
00:41:17I bet you 50 bucks he's got some kind of tracking chip implanted into your nutsack.
00:41:22Listen, there are Satanists all over this town.
00:41:24It could be anyone, okay?
00:41:26It could be, you know, the fucking taxi drivers, waitresses, cops, hobos, fucking baristas, dog groomers, fucking vegans, fucking hipsters, man.
00:41:37You're right, you're right, we gotta keep our eyes peeled.
00:41:40Bottom line, the only people we can trust are each other, okay?
00:41:45Wait!
00:41:47What if you just lied?
00:41:50How would they know?
00:41:51They will know my mom's a bloodhound for bullshit.
00:41:53That self-respecting teenager doesn't know how to lie to his own mother.
00:41:57You can smell it on my breath.
00:42:00Oh, fuck.
00:42:01Fuck.
00:42:03Fuck.
00:42:03What?
00:42:04What?
00:42:04Fuck!
00:42:06What's wrong?
00:42:08You're out of gas.
00:42:15Maybe the Satanists will be too scared to follow us here.
00:42:17It's one of those prepaid deals.
00:42:30I got it.
00:42:36Hi.
00:42:38Fifty bucks on pump two.
00:42:40Let the scales fall from your eyes, for God is the deceiver, and Satan is the salvation.
00:42:54Sheldon told us that you had a special purpose.
00:43:09What?
00:43:10Couldn't pay for it.
00:43:16Yo, dude.
00:43:18What the fuck is all that?
00:43:20Provisions.
00:43:20In case we have to go into hiding?
00:43:22Yeah.
00:43:23Hiding.
00:43:23About that.
00:43:24I've been thinking.
00:43:25Hiding might not be the best idea.
00:43:27I mean...
00:43:28Okay.
00:43:28Come on.
00:43:29No, no, no, no.
00:43:29Get in the car.
00:43:30This might sound a little fucked up, but if any of this shit is real, then getting me laid might
00:43:36actually save the world.
00:43:40Get in the car.
00:43:41Come on.
00:43:42What?
00:43:42I'm kind of serious.
00:43:44I know you're serious.
00:43:45That's why this is so fucking insane, man.
00:43:47It's like delusions of grandeur, much?
00:43:49It tried to kill me.
00:43:50If this shit is real, nobody is safe.
00:43:52You get that, right?
00:43:53Dude, there's no hell.
00:43:55There's no Satan or any of that shit.
00:43:57I mean, your parents, my parents, Sheldon, Mary, they're all just brainwashed lunatics,
00:44:02dude.
00:44:02The sooner you realize that, the freer you'll be.
00:44:05Come on, dude.
00:44:05Look at me.
00:44:07I'm just living in the moment, having a fucking blast, enjoying not one but two flavors of
00:44:12beef jerky.
00:44:13No big deal.
00:44:14Because I know.
00:44:16At the end of the day, the only asshole who's judging me is me.
00:44:19You know why I'm here, right?
00:44:23Because I'm your only friend.
00:44:25Yes, that, and because I want to be there for the first moment.
00:44:30That your dick tastes vaginal glory.
00:44:33You want to watch me have sex?
00:44:34No, no, dude.
00:44:36I just want to see you be happy.
00:44:38Come on, man.
00:44:40Be happy?
00:44:41You just want to live vicariously through me because you're not.
00:44:45Not what?
00:44:47Nothing.
00:44:50Never mind.
00:44:50I didn't say that.
00:44:51Oh.
00:44:52Because I'm not cool enough for you?
00:44:56Because I'm just your, your tag-along friend, right?
00:44:59And now all of a sudden that you're Mr. Popular, you can't hang out with a loser like me?
00:45:03Did I, did I say that?
00:45:05Please, Neil, be my friend.
00:45:07Here, take my jerky.
00:45:08How much for a sleepover?
00:45:10Whoa, whoa.
00:45:10You want to hang out now, huh?
00:45:11Take everything.
00:45:12Stop.
00:45:13Everything I have.
00:45:13Stop.
00:45:14Stop.
00:45:16Whoa.
00:45:18What?
00:45:18I can't believe I'm, I'm even suggesting this.
00:45:22What?
00:45:24What?
00:45:24Prostitutes.
00:45:27Prostitutes.
00:45:29Prostitutes.
00:45:30Prostitutes.
00:45:32Prostitutes!
00:45:34Prostitutes!
00:45:34Prostitutes.
00:45:34Prostitutes.
00:45:35Prostitutes.
00:45:35Prostitutes.
00:45:36Prostitutes.
00:45:36Prostitutes.
00:45:37Prostitutes.
00:45:37Prostitutes.
00:45:38Prostitutes.
00:45:38Prostitutes.
00:45:39Prostitutes.
00:45:39Prostitutes.
00:45:40Prostitutes.
00:45:40Prostitutes.
00:45:41Prostitutes.
00:45:41Prostitutes.
00:45:42Prostitutes.
00:45:42Prostitutes.
00:45:43Prostitutes.
00:45:43Prostitutes.
00:45:44Prostitutes.
00:45:44Prostitutes.
00:45:45All right. Keep looking.
00:45:52It does not look good, I'm afraid.
00:45:55He'll show up, Sheldon. Trust me.
00:45:57Oh, you don't have to fear me, Gary.
00:46:00I'm on your side.
00:46:02What you need to fear, or what we all need to fear,
00:46:06is our lord below.
00:46:08I am merely an instrument of his wrath.
00:46:12What Sheldon is trying to say is that...
00:46:15Yes, Mary.
00:46:17Explain to them what I'm trying to say.
00:46:21What Sheldon is trying to say
00:46:25is that if Neil doesn't show up,
00:46:27we're going to need to find some kind of replacement offering.
00:46:31Thank you for clarifying, my dear.
00:46:36Oh.
00:46:42Oh, this is sad.
00:46:49We should be helping these women, not exploiting them.
00:46:52Hey, hey, hey, hey, this was your idea.
00:46:55I know, I just thought it would be less tragic somehow.
00:46:58Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
00:47:01Stop!
00:47:02Hey, uh, you looking to make some real cash money
00:47:06and get serviced by a couple of barely legal studs?
00:47:14Both you looking?
00:47:15No.
00:47:16Yes.
00:47:17Yes.
00:47:18How much?
00:47:22That depends on what you want.
00:47:23Uh, I just really need to lose my virginity tonight.
00:47:27So...
00:47:37Yeah.
00:47:38I can help you out.
00:47:41But not here.
00:47:43Meet me there and ask for Ashley.
00:47:46Uh...
00:47:57Is it?
00:47:58Yeah.
00:47:59Yeah.
00:48:00Yeah.
00:48:01Yeah.
00:48:02Yeah.
00:48:07Can I help you?
00:48:10Is this the house of ill repute?
00:48:13You don't have to whisper.
00:48:16Oh.
00:48:17Oh, okay.
00:48:19I'd like one prostitute, please.
00:48:22All right.
00:48:23What were you looking for exactly?
00:48:25I'd like a good personality.
00:48:27I'd like a cute laugh.
00:48:30And boobs.
00:48:31They all have boobs.
00:48:32We'll take Ashley.
00:48:34Great.
00:48:36Great.
00:48:37Yeah.
00:48:38I'll go with that.
00:48:39Great.
00:48:40Have a seat.
00:48:45Things got red eyes.
00:48:48You come with me.
00:48:56You sit tight.
00:48:57Oh, no.
00:48:58Uh, no, no, no.
00:48:59See, the thing...
00:49:00Wait.
00:49:01Do you wanna do this?
00:49:03Yes.
00:49:04Please.
00:49:05Yes, please.
00:49:06And he goes first.
00:49:09Whoa.
00:49:10Whoa.
00:49:11Uh, wait, Ashley.
00:49:13Uh, baby.
00:49:14Look.
00:49:15I, uh...
00:49:16I cannot wait to get with you.
00:49:17And I'm so flattered that you feel the same way.
00:49:20But, um...
00:49:22But he really should go first.
00:49:24Yeah.
00:49:27I really need to go first.
00:49:34Matt?
00:49:35Come on.
00:49:36Whoa.
00:49:37Uh, Neil.
00:49:38Uh, Matt?
00:49:39I don't know, man.
00:49:40Uh...
00:49:41Uh...
00:49:46Uh, uh...
00:49:47I think I like to start off with a hand job.
00:49:49And, uh...
00:49:50Uh, I think, uh, I like to start off with a hand job.
00:49:53And, uh, and then, you know, work my way up to a blow up.
00:49:55so what's your deal uh well I uh I think I like to start off with a hand job and
00:50:06and then you know work my way up to a blow job and then finish off with a
00:50:13vagina job okay yeah uh cool and the same exact same goes for my friend out
00:50:22there I really can't stress enough how important it is that he gets a proper
00:50:26vagina job well how much money do you got oh yes currency
00:50:52so how'd you get into prostitution so I mean you must have some some wild stories
00:51:16not really no no you you uh I mean you mean crazy characters at least or I guess
00:51:26uh uh uh what's the uh uh weirdest thing that that anyone's ever asked you to do
00:51:32this one guy pays me to poop on his dog
00:51:35oh what kind of dog I don't know a brown one
00:51:45can I see your boobs at least
00:51:52what if I told you this is my first time
00:52:04Susan I'm done I'm done I'm done
00:52:09good
00:52:11oh man was it awesome uh I just I mean
00:52:37not only was the sex amazing but uh but you know I think that the um that the best part was um
00:52:46was that Ashley and I really connected you know really yeah wow wow okay
00:52:54so where is she Ashley oh uh poor things exhausted you know I really gave it to her
00:53:03in there but but don't worry you know I'm sure she's got another one in her just just don't be
00:53:07mad at me if she still has mad on the mind
00:53:09I'm gonna have sex you're gonna have sex
00:53:14and I'm not gonna die and you're not gonna die go in there do it
00:53:19you're ready I'm ready man have a great time
00:53:24you're ready I'm ready
00:53:25I am a fucking
00:53:32I am a fucking
00:53:35i am
00:53:38a fucking
00:53:40young
00:53:41Ashley
00:53:44Hey, I think it's my turn.
00:53:58You just sit tight, okay?
00:54:04Yeah.
00:54:06Where are you going?
00:54:09I'll be right back.
00:54:14Hey, Neil, we just need to talk to you for a minute.
00:54:36Everything's okay.
00:54:36Everything's okay.
00:54:37We just need to talk to you for just a second.
00:54:40This is the ring!
00:54:40Everybody out!
00:54:42Open up!
00:54:43The police!
00:54:44All that.
00:55:08You seen him?
00:55:08Go, go!
00:55:17Oh, shit!
00:55:32Hey!
00:55:32Get back here!
00:55:33Brad, it's not Neil!
00:55:34Neil!
00:55:36Neil!
00:55:37Get the fuck back here!
00:55:39Brad!
00:55:41Brad, get back here!
00:55:42Get the fuck back here!
00:55:44Oh, you goddamn idiot.
00:55:49Brad, he's stolen the car!
00:55:51What?
00:55:55Brad!
00:55:55Oh, shit!
00:55:58Well, I have to hand it to you.
00:56:01It's pretty brave of you to come back for me.
00:56:03What happened to you?
00:56:04Just tried to keep him busy.
00:56:06Tried to buy you some time.
00:56:07But I did get pretty friendly with Brad.
00:56:10Denise, he's the enemy.
00:56:11For fuck's sake, Neil.
00:56:12I'm joking.
00:56:17You're never going to get it, are you?
00:56:19Get what?
00:56:19That I like you, you moron!
00:56:22I like you, too, but you don't have to be a bitch about it.
00:56:24No, Neil.
00:56:25Fuck.
00:56:26I like like you.
00:56:29Like, like what?
00:56:32Why?
00:56:34I don't know, because you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met.
00:56:37I'm not cool, Denise.
00:56:39I don't even know how to be cool.
00:56:40Exactly, Neil.
00:56:41Oh, wow.
00:56:43Awesome.
00:56:44Does that mean we get to have sex now?
00:56:46No.
00:56:47Make love.
00:56:47Okay, you really have to do better than that.
00:56:49You smell nice.
00:56:51No, Neil, I...
00:56:52Jesus, what do you want me to say?
00:56:54That I like you, but I've always liked you, but I never thought...
00:56:57I knew it. You're a fucking chicken.
00:56:58Fuck.
00:56:59Okay, let's just go back in time.
00:57:02Pretend I had the guts to ask you out on a real date.
00:57:04A date.
00:57:05Okay, where are we going?
00:57:07It's a surprise, but you say yes.
00:57:09I, uh, I picked you up at your house with one perfect red rose.
00:57:13And, uh, I'm really nervous, because this is the night I'm going to tell you everything.
00:57:17And you're really nervous, too, because you know what's coming.
00:57:20All right. Tell me more.
00:57:22We start with something fun, like go-karting.
00:57:26And, uh, and after we walk down to that fancy vegan restaurant, and, uh...
00:57:32Nice touch.
00:57:33After dinner, we walk by the beach, and I gather every bit of courage I have
00:57:37and tell you what I've always needed to.
00:57:39What do you say?
00:57:44That I've liked you since I was old enough to like girls,
00:57:47but I was terrified that if I made a move on you,
00:57:52you would ruin it and screw it up and never talk to me again.
00:57:56Hold on.
00:58:07Hold on.
00:58:07Hold on.
00:58:29Hold on.
00:58:29Are you fucking kidding me, Neil?
00:58:44Neil, are you fucking kidding me?
00:58:46Oh, fuck me, sorry.
00:58:48Oh, my God.
00:58:50Neil, come on.
00:58:53I'm sorry.
00:58:54I'm really sorry.
00:58:57That's a mess.
00:58:57Denise, I, really, you can't hear me.
00:59:04What the what?
00:59:07Was there penetration?
00:59:11A bunch.
00:59:15Really?
00:59:16So tell me what it felt like.
00:59:17Like if I can put a sock, put a sock on a foot, man, and it fits just right.
00:59:24I'm still a virgin.
00:59:25Let's go.
00:59:26Let's go.
00:59:26I'm so sorry.
00:59:28It's okay.
00:59:29Call me tomorrow.
00:59:30I will.
00:59:31Did you get it in?
00:59:32Did you get it in her?
00:59:33What?
00:59:34Did you get it in her?
00:59:35What?
00:59:36What?
00:59:37What happened?
00:59:38What happened?
00:59:39Are you going to say anything?
00:59:40Are you going to tell me what happened?
00:59:41What?
00:59:42What happened?
00:59:43What happened?
00:59:44What happened?
00:59:45What?
00:59:46What?
00:59:47What happened?
00:59:48What?
00:59:49What?
00:59:50What happened?
00:59:51What happened?
00:59:52What?
00:59:53What?
00:59:54What?
00:59:55What?
00:59:56What happened?
00:59:57What happened?
00:59:58What happened?
00:59:59What happened?
01:00:00What?
01:00:01What happened?
01:00:02What?
01:00:03What?
01:00:04What?
01:00:05What?
01:00:06What happened?
01:00:07What?
01:00:08We were never leaving for yourself in the place?
01:00:09We wouldn't even be here?
01:00:10Oh so this is my fault now Matt.
01:00:12What?
01:00:13No, no no no no no, I'm just saying.
01:00:15Oh, you're just saying.
01:00:16Good.
01:00:17Good.
01:00:18Good.
01:00:19Okay, good.
01:00:20You're just saying.
01:00:21What I'm saying is that you've made this whole night about you.
01:00:25I was the one who was supposed to get late tonight.
01:00:27You cut in line, and you were the one who had sex.
01:00:31Yeah, I had sex with a dirty hoe, okay?
01:00:33What you had with Denise, that's special.
01:00:35That's, that's, that's nice.
01:00:37Fuck you, man. No.
01:00:39Fuck me! It's too late. There's no more me and Denise, dude.
01:00:42I'm not going to school again, dude.
01:00:44I'm dead, like, fucking dead. Dead, dead, dead.
01:00:47You're not dead yet, okay?
01:00:49You, you still, we can still get out of here, and don't blame me for this.
01:00:53I'm like, my hands are fucking tied.
01:00:55Yeah? My hands are tied!
01:00:56My hands are tied, too!
01:01:00Did you just kick me?
01:01:07You just fucking kicked me?
01:01:08Yeah, I fucking, fuck you!
01:01:09What are you doing, man?
01:01:10You fucking kicked me first!
01:01:11You're kicking me just fucking hurt!
01:01:12Oh, hey, hey, shut the fuck up back there!
01:01:14No, you shut the fuck up, man!
01:01:16Fuck you, man!
01:01:18Fuck!
01:01:19Yeah!
01:01:20Yeah!
01:01:21Yeah!
01:01:22Yeah!
01:01:23Fucking God!
01:01:30Don't even...
01:01:31Ah.
01:01:32There you are.
01:01:35You are more trouble than you're worth.
01:01:39And you have kept us waiting.
01:01:41Well, I gotta hand it to you, Neil.
01:01:42You continually find new ways to humiliate your family.
01:01:44I'm the embarrassment.
01:01:45Really, Dad, me.
01:01:46I'm the embarrassment.
01:01:47Yeah, that's right, Buster.
01:01:48This stupid religion is fucked with your head so bad.
01:01:49You're actually willing to sacrifice your own flesh and blood for some red guy with a tail.
01:01:54Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:01:55That's where you go easy.
01:01:56You worship a f-
01:01:57I cried.
01:01:58What?
01:01:59What are you saying?
01:02:00What do you mean you cried?
01:02:01What are you talking about?
01:02:02I lost my virginity to a prostitute tonight.
01:02:03Yeah.
01:02:04All right?
01:02:05Lost it.
01:02:06Lost it.
01:02:07Lost it.
01:02:09I mean, I had it, but then I don't know, something just snapped and I just...
01:02:35Well, at least it didn't come on her leg.
01:02:37Right? Right on the leg?
01:02:39Leg, the seat.
01:02:41Fucking embarrassing. Come here, man.
01:02:43Come here. I'm sorry, dude.
01:02:45Come here, dude. I'm sorry, man.
01:02:47This whole fucking crazy thing.
01:02:49This is nice.
01:02:51I needed this.
01:02:53This is that body.
01:02:57Wait.
01:02:59There still might be a way out of it.
01:03:01Stop being so at peace with everything, man, okay?
01:03:03Just listen to me here. Hear me out, okay?
01:03:05I'm not gonna give up.
01:03:07It's when
01:03:09he penetrates something
01:03:11with his erect penis.
01:03:13Who says it has to be a vagina?
01:03:15Oh, God. No, no, no.
01:03:17No, no, no. I'm telling you.
01:03:19You gotta do me.
01:03:21I can't. You have to.
01:03:23Are you saying that you couldn't?
01:03:25I'm not sure the equipment would work.
01:03:27Hey, don't be mean right now, okay?
01:03:29Just at least an eight.
01:03:31Okay, I'll try.
01:03:33What?
01:03:35I mean, really?
01:03:37Yeah, really.
01:03:39Okay, yeah.
01:03:41I mean, I don't know.
01:03:43Something just snapped, and I just...
01:03:45Well, at least it didn't come on her leg.
01:03:49Right? Right on the leg?
01:03:51Leg, the seat.
01:03:53Fucking embarrassing.
01:03:55Come here.
01:03:57Come here.
01:03:59Come here. I'm sorry, dude.
01:04:00Come here, dude.
01:04:01I'm sorry, girl.
01:04:02Man, this whole fucking crazy thing.
01:04:03No, no, no.
01:04:04Oh, God, dude.
01:04:05This is nice.
01:04:09I needed this.
01:04:15What was that, buddy?
01:04:17Oh, wait.
01:04:19There still might be a way out of this.
01:04:21No, Lauren.
01:04:23No, no, no.
01:04:24Stop being so at peace with everything, man, okay?
01:04:27Just listen to me here.
01:04:28Hear me out, okay?
01:04:29I'm not gonna give up on you.
01:04:31When does a guy's virginity really end, right?
01:04:35It's when he penetrates something with his erect penis.
01:04:39Right.
01:04:41Who says it has to be a vagina?
01:04:45Oh, God.
01:04:46No, no, no.
01:04:47No, no, no.
01:04:48I'm telling you, dude, if it's gonna save your life...
01:04:52You gotta do me.
01:04:53I can't.
01:04:54I...
01:04:55You have to.
01:04:56Are you saying you couldn't fuck your best friend to save your own life?
01:04:59Is that what you're saying?
01:05:00I'm just not sure any equipment would work.
01:05:02Hey, don't be mean right now, okay?
01:05:03Just at least an eight.
01:05:05Even if you were a ten.
01:05:06I'm just saying, how hard could it be?
01:05:11Give me a sec.
01:05:16Okay.
01:05:17Just, yeah, just think.
01:05:20Okay, I'll try.
01:05:21What?
01:05:22I mean, really?
01:05:23Yeah, really.
01:05:24I mean, I wanna live, right?
01:05:25Yeah, I want you to live, man.
01:05:30Whoa.
01:05:31Whoa, what are you doing?
01:05:32What was that?
01:05:33Sorry, I thought maybe...
01:05:34No extras, man.
01:05:35No time.
01:05:36No time for extras.
01:05:37We just gotta go.
01:05:38How do we start?
01:05:39Uh...
01:05:40I don't know.
01:05:41Come here.
01:05:42Just, uh...
01:05:43Just...
01:05:46All right.
01:05:48You know.
01:05:49Oh, fuck.
01:05:50Yep.
01:05:51Oh, my God.
01:05:52Yep.
01:05:53You're my best friend.
01:05:54I am.
01:05:55You're my best friend.
01:05:56Best friend.
01:06:02So what are we gonna do with Art?
01:06:04You stay here and watch her.
01:06:06No, I wanna watch The Sacrifice.
01:06:07You said that...
01:06:08That's enough, Bradley.
01:06:12Oh, my God.
01:06:14He talks to you like you're a child.
01:06:16I am not allowed to talk to you anymore.
01:06:19Come on, Brad.
01:06:21You're this smart, sexy guy.
01:06:26I mean, with your arms and abs and his chest.
01:06:30I mean, girls must be hitting on you all the time.
01:06:35It is hard to find single women in this church.
01:06:38Well, as a single woman, how would I go about becoming part of the church?
01:06:43You've gotta renounce God, get a tattoo, take a whiz and a bible.
01:06:47It's a whole thing.
01:06:50You know, if you really wanna go out there, you should just go.
01:06:54Yeah, I know, except I can't because I have to stay here and babysit you.
01:07:00I think I'll be fine.
01:07:14What's going on back there?
01:07:15I'm not hard.
01:07:17Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not gonna blow you, dude.
01:07:19I didn't ask you to blow me.
01:07:20Matt?
01:07:21No, it's just, just get it in, you know?
01:07:23Wow.
01:07:24Oh, God.
01:07:25No.
01:07:26Shit, we were just...
01:07:27Break it up.
01:07:28Hi, hi, Dad.
01:07:29It's time.
01:07:33Hey, there's no judging.
01:07:35Fuck, a lady prostitute.
01:07:36A lady prostitute, and she was hot.
01:07:39Just a few hours ago, real hot.
01:07:40You wanna get to him, you gotta go through me.
01:07:44Right, oh.
01:07:46Alright.
01:07:48Whoa, kneel.
01:07:49It's all good, man.
01:07:50Kneel.
01:07:52Kneel.
01:07:56I'm right here, man.
01:07:58I'm right beside you.
01:07:59Then nominate Satanus.
01:08:02Then nominate Satanus.
01:08:05Then nominate Satanus.
01:08:08Satanus Rex.
01:08:10Satanus Rex.
01:08:12I invoke his power by these names.
01:08:16Belial, Baphomet, Beelzebub, Lucifer.
01:08:25Awful monster.
01:08:27Skip the names.
01:08:29What are you talking about?
01:08:30We can't skip the names.
01:08:32It's almost sunrise.
01:08:33You know what time it is.
01:08:34I've got a bloody watch, you know?
01:08:36Then you know it's time to get on with it.
01:08:38You can do better.
01:08:39Whatever.
01:08:40You do it then.
01:08:41Go on, here.
01:08:42Take the knife.
01:08:43No, no, no.
01:08:44Take the book.
01:08:45Take my robe.
01:08:46I'm so sorry for this interruption.
01:08:47No one cares about the names, for fuck's sake.
01:08:49Alright, alright.
01:08:50In nominate Satanus.
01:08:56Lord, we offer this virgin flesh unto you.
01:09:01That you may draw strength from the blood of innocents.
01:09:09For the glory of your kingdom.
01:09:12I'm sorry, Neil.
01:09:19In nominate Satanus.
01:09:20In nominate Satanus.
01:09:21I'm sorry, Neil.
01:09:22In nominate Satanus.
01:09:23In nominate Satanus.
01:09:25Oh, yeah, it's a hell.
01:09:27Hells on inferno has come.
01:09:28I see his face in the veins.
01:09:30In nominate Satanus.
01:09:31In nominate Satanus.
01:09:41K fotorom.
01:09:42Ah, oh Satanar shop in front.
01:09:43Inanto.
01:09:44No.
01:09:45The curtain's been falling off.
01:09:46Oh my head.
01:09:47corporation.
01:09:52No.
01:09:53Aw.
01:09:54Then.
01:09:55Warren.
01:09:56Dan.
01:09:57Go away.
01:09:58No!
01:09:59No!
01:10:00No!
01:10:01No!
01:10:06No!
01:10:28No!
01:10:29No!
01:10:30No!
01:10:31No!
01:10:32No!
01:10:42God!
01:10:44Oh!
01:10:45No!
01:10:46I'm a human!
01:10:58All right, is this your garden?
01:11:18No.
01:11:20Do I check my bra now?
01:11:22No, I can check for you.
01:11:25What?
01:11:27Oh, my God, that's amazing.
01:11:29It'll make you an all-powerful video game god.
01:11:32I've been looking for this online for, like, months.
01:11:34How'd you find it?
01:11:35One of my birthday party clients hooked it up.
01:11:37I did an extra hour for his five-year-old.
01:11:39Awesome.
01:11:40The magic.
01:11:49You missed a wonderful service.
01:11:52We're good, Mom.
01:11:53Honey, just remember, Jesus loves you.
01:11:57He died for your sins.
01:12:04Give me the keys.
01:12:06I'm gonna drive.
01:12:13Matt?
01:12:13Guys.
01:12:15Oh, Shelly.
01:12:16Looking beautiful as always.
01:12:17Oh, you're so sweet, Matt.
01:12:19We're gonna grab some vegan, hit the go-kart track.
01:12:24Cool, cool.
01:12:25I mean, I tell you to come along.
01:12:27No, no, no, no.
01:12:28I'm fine.
01:12:29I've got my Bible study.
01:12:32Catch you guys later.
01:12:34All right.
01:12:35All right.
01:12:39Yeah.
01:12:40All you ate?
01:12:43Are you one creep?
01:12:45You're ridiculous.
01:12:47Ridiculous.
01:12:54Could you put on that Christian rock station?
01:12:56Sure.
01:12:57I'm not.
01:12:58I'm not.
01:12:59It's just a typical Ocknell song.
01:13:01It's just a typical Ocknell song about love.
01:13:04Love.
01:13:04It's just a typical Ocknell song.
01:13:06It's just a typical Ocknell song about love.
01:13:09Pussy.
01:13:09It makes the world go round.
01:13:11Pussy makes the world go round.
01:13:13We can have a sudden go recording if you fuck me down.
01:13:16Pussy makes the world go round.
01:13:46Pussy makes the world go round round.
01:13:48Pussy makes the world go round.
01:13:53Pussy makes the world go round round.
01:13:53Pussy makes the world go round.
01:13:55Pussy makes the world go round.
01:13:57I know mad guys who's in love with they wives.
01:14:00Call them pussy cats because they survive.
01:14:02Getting stabbed with the vows.
01:14:03Nine nods from all nine wives.
01:14:05One to five guys.
01:14:06Lie between your thighs.
01:14:07You realize this motherfucker ain't Chinese.
01:14:10Sprint in his eyes when he talking if he was Chinese.
01:14:12But that bitch in his shit is buried like Guyanese.
01:14:14Until one day niggas found a way.
01:14:16This is me squeeze.
01:14:17She came upstairs bitching.
01:14:19Who listen?
01:14:19Niggas in front of the building.
01:14:21With straight kisses.
01:14:22Throwing hints when I'm walking by.
01:14:23I'm throwing kisses.
01:14:24He was like what?
01:14:25Shit.
01:14:26Skip the rippin'.
01:14:27Get the spittin' wessin'.
01:14:28Add the clippin'.
01:14:29Went outside.
01:14:30Started spittin'.
01:14:30Even hittin'.
01:14:31Motherfuckers who was down with him.
01:14:33Blood everywhere.
01:14:34Till his day niggas on the scene still compare.
01:14:37In the Vaseline.
01:14:38Don't be putting him in intensive care.
01:14:39Yo, buck, buck, buck.
01:14:40Bullets put their ass up.
01:14:41That's run on the scene.
01:14:42Police sirens flashed up.
01:14:44The agenda make him surrender.
01:14:45Start bagging him up.
01:14:46But he busy living in prison.
01:14:48Started grabbing his nuts.
01:14:49Told the cops instant sick that they all stuck.
01:14:51He started backing him up.
01:14:53Waving his gap like he copping him up.
01:14:55That's when two D's came from behind trees.
01:14:58Told freeze and drop that.
01:14:59Instead he reloaded and cocked back.
01:15:01He said fuck that.
01:15:02Turned his hat from the front to his back.
01:15:04Played his index like with that squeeze on the gap.
01:15:06Immediately, he started stumbling back.
01:15:08Cause the SWAT team repeatedly laid his ass flat.
01:15:11As he laid on his back.
01:15:12His girl rushed to his side.
01:15:14Picked him up off the floor.
01:15:15Put him on her lap.
01:15:16Got blood on her dress.
01:15:17From the open flesh.
01:15:18Got the bullet wounds left.
01:15:19In his chest cardiac arrest.
01:15:21She said pa, pa, don't go.
01:15:23What about little Kadar?
01:15:24As she stressed him out on the car.
01:15:26Trying to give him mouth to mouth CPR.
01:15:28But babe, pa, still not stiff.
01:15:30She grabbed his hand and placed him by her heart.
01:15:32On top of her breasts.
01:15:33Where he thought this was for the love of her sex.
01:15:35Pussy makes the world go round.
01:15:41Pussy makes the world go round.
01:15:45Pussy makes the world go round.
01:15:46Pussy makes the world go round
01:16:00Pussy makes the world go round
01:16:05Pussy makes the world go round
01:16:14My chemicals got you feeling like you're ready to blow
01:16:23If I had a Maserati, then we could ride it for show
01:16:27So fresh and so clean, clean, Miss Jackson's in control
01:16:31Grab your keys and let's go
01:16:33Hands up and freak head
01:16:35We're not gonna feel, no, not gonna feel this long
01:16:40Hands up and freak head
01:16:42We're not gonna feel, no, not gonna feel this long
01:16:48You and I, you and I
01:16:51Making the ground sink, baby
01:16:54Ground sink, baby
01:16:56You and I, you and I
01:16:58Making the ground sink, baby
01:17:02Ground sink, baby
01:17:04We just wanna lose control
01:17:06We just wanna lose, we just wanna lose control
01:17:10You and I, you and I, yeah
01:17:13Making the ground sink, baby
01:17:16Ground sink, baby
01:17:18This oxygen got you feeling like you're breathing the wind
01:17:22Put on my mic jacket, sipping solid, moonwalking
01:17:26Who's bad, baby?
01:17:28Yeah, not alone, baby
01:17:30Grab your keys and let's go
01:17:32Hands up and freak head
01:17:34We're not gonna feel, no, not gonna feel this long
01:17:39Hands up and freak head
01:17:41We're not gonna feel, no, not gonna feel this long
01:17:47You and I, you and I
01:17:50Making the ground sink, baby
01:17:53Ground sink, baby
01:17:55You and I, you and I
01:17:57Making the ground sink, baby
01:18:01Ground sink, baby
01:18:03We just wanna lose control
01:18:05We just wanna lose, we just wanna lose control
01:18:09You and I, you and I
01:18:12Making the ground sink, baby
01:18:16Ground sink, baby
01:18:17Your hands got me feeling so good inside, so good inside
01:18:25My hands got you feeling so good inside, so good
01:18:31Your hands got me feeling so good inside, so good inside
01:18:39My hands got you feeling so good inside, so good
01:18:46You and I, you and I
01:19:00Making the ground sick, baby
01:19:04Ground sick, baby
01:19:05You and I, you and I
01:19:08Making the ground sick, baby
01:19:11Ground sick, baby
01:19:13We just wanna lose control
01:19:15We just wanna lose, we just wanna lose control
01:19:19You and I, you and I
01:19:22Making the ground sick, baby
01:19:26Ground sick, baby
01:19:28Making the ground sick, baby
01:19:33Ground sick, baby
01:19:35Baby
01:19:37Baby
01:19:39Ground sick, baby
01:19:40Ground sick, baby
01:19:45Red spire, baby
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