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00:00So, officer numbers. How's recruitment?
00:08A recruitment drive focusing on a more diverse workforce hasn't quite had the returns we hoped for.
00:13Really? Despite our excellent poster campaign?
00:17If that doesn't say diversity, I don't know what does.
00:23Perhaps it doesn't quite reflect that diversity is more than just race and gender.
00:29OK. Well, maybe for all future diversity drives we should make our definition of diversity more diverse.
00:36Personally, I don't care where they come from. As long as they can bench press 220 and chase after the wee bam that dipped your purse.
00:43It's all about budget. We can't go to the moon on a two-barb rocket.
00:46Don't worry. Justice will understand. Targets, they're an ideal objective.
00:52If there's one thing the Scottish Government knows about, it's missing targets.
00:59There's been a cabinet reshuffle. Nadim's out.
01:11Oh, morning Chief.
01:12Hello, Helen. Nice to meet you.
01:15Actually, we've met before.
01:17Oh, have we?
01:18Yes, at the Visibility for Women conference.
01:20Oh, yes. So we have. I remember now.
01:26Oh, sorry. Didn't see you there.
01:29Just didn't hear.
01:30Thank you so much. Um...
01:32Helen.
01:33Helen, thank you.
01:35Hail to the big fish.
01:39Ah.
01:40I'd only just got used to you in justice and now here you are in your watery grave.
01:46That is your large-mouth bass, Chief. Freshwater, Ray Fend, part of the Sunfish family.
01:52Well, I am impressed.
01:54I'm a quick study, Chief. Now take us so on, Halwa.
01:57Oh, we're not celebrating this, are we?
01:59Why not? Look on the bright side. I mean, Fisheries is the only department I haven't run yet.
02:04Well, I mean, I had it as part of farming and ferries, but never solo.
02:09Anyway, enough about fish. Unless you want to pop down to the Balmoral and roll down a few old Uploth Smokies.
02:15Oh, I would love to. But I've got to go and meet your replacement. What's he like?
02:20McGuck. Young. Ambitious. Ruthless.
02:25Any tips?
02:26Aye. Be straight, white, privileged and powerful.
02:30I'll do my best.
02:34That's your only one o'clock call.
02:36Gudmundur, Gudmundsdottir, my Icelandic counterpart.
02:40Pickled herring, import quarters, that's my life now.
02:43Let's try and enjoy it. Enjoy yours.
02:45I shall!
02:50Gudmundur, Gudmundur, Gudmundur.
02:54Christ's sake.
02:55Oh, Chief. Come in. I'm just finishing a tanky power walk.
03:07Well, delighted to meet you, Xander.
03:09Minister. And I prefer stand-up meetings.
03:12Oh, well, as do I, Minister. Big fitness man myself, particularly off the national game, the gauf. Maybe we could hit the links sometime.
03:21Don't golf. I'm a squash guy.
03:23Oh, love squash. I'll book us a pitch. Room. Square. Court.
03:27Chief. Let's park the BS, yeah?
03:31Chief. Does your police force want a bigger budget?
03:36Bigger.
03:37Bigger?
03:38What, bigger as in?
03:40More.
03:41What? More than before?
03:46Well, obviously we would very much welcome...
03:50So just to clarify, by more, do you mean more? More money?
03:57More funds.
03:58Look, we, we want to back the bobbies and the bee, okay? To protect the Scottish people. But, we've got to work to a zero-sum budget.
04:07Well, yes, of course, that goes without saying. Remind me, a zero-sum budget is...
04:13Well, we strip out the fat, build up the muscle, get lean, justify every penny of spend.
04:20Just a word of warning as regards the budget. There are, there are a lot of code words in there, you know, for security reasons. I mean, pastries, for example. Pastries doesn't actually refer to pastries.
04:32Together, we'll ditch anything unnecessary. I mean, why hug a hoodie when that hoodie should be huggled? Yeah? This, this is Project Proper Policing.
04:45Yeah. And this project gets a proper police endorsement.
04:50Right.
04:54Well, yes, I will book the squash table. Pitch. Room. Square. Court. Ha!
05:03Minister!
05:08You recently came top in a nationwide survey of public funded bodies. Do you feel valued at work?
05:14Every penny I spend goes towards snabbing the wee FUD that pissed through your letterbox and set fire to your bins.
05:21I do greatly value your work. Both of you.
05:24But we... we have to find trims somewhere.
05:28If we're going to justify our bigger budget, we need to pinpoint where we might find unjustified spend.
05:34Your lunch from the seafood chef.
05:36Ah!
05:37Sorry, it's late. And they apologise, but the hand-dived scallops are fine.
05:42Ah! I'll slum it.
05:49Well, team, carry on. Cuts! Cuts, cuts! Justify! Justify! Justify! Justify!
05:55So, with a new broom in the Cabinet, is it time then to tackle the unnecessary use of police funds?
06:03Unnecessary is a pretty strong word, Connie. We channel every public penny towards vital police initiatives.
06:10Really? Okay. I've got a direct quote here from your new Justice Minister who says,
06:16Chief Commissioner Mickelson agrees with me that there is a lot of waste in the police budget
06:21and shares my desire to slash unnecessary spending.
06:25Did... did he say that? Did... did he say that I said that?
06:29Did you say that he said that I said that?
06:30He said that.
06:31He said it 20 minutes ago in a TV interview.
06:34Well, I welcome your question about what I said, Connie.
06:40And when it comes to what I said, I would never actually say that I...
06:44that I... that I never actually said that.
06:47Saying that sort of thing is exactly the sort of thing I would say
06:53if I were saying something like that.
06:56So you did say what he said you said?
06:58What I will say is this.
07:01The Justice Minister and I are committed to saying a whole raft of things in the future.
07:07Prioritising keeping all spending non-profligated.
07:17Come on, Chief.
07:19I thought you were a squash guy.
07:21Geez.
07:22Easy.
07:28Good shot.
07:30Minister, you're set.
07:32That was some proper squatching.
07:34I heard you and Connie's show.
07:35You were getting your arse handed to you there as well.
07:38She did serve me a pretty curvy curveball, you know.
07:41I didn't actually say what you said I said.
07:43What does it matter?
07:45If I say you said it, then you said it.
07:48I didn't actually say it, you know.
07:51There are such things as fact.
07:53There's no such things as fact, right?
07:55The truth is fluid.
07:57Just get our message out there.
07:59Yeah, well, next time just warn me what messaging you want out where and when.
08:03Yeah.
08:04Project proper policing.
08:07Backed by project proper budget.
08:11Yeah.
08:13If you step up and trim the fat.
08:18Where you at with that?
08:22I am the Ozempic of budgetary planning, transforming us into a lean, mean crime-fighting machine.
08:29Oh yeah?
08:30Tell me deeds.
08:31Oh, details.
08:33Well, the police shinty team won't be getting that new minibus.
08:37Pennies.
08:38Peanuts.
08:40Come on.
08:41Where are the big fat wads?
08:44Ditch whole departments.
08:46Whole departments?
08:48Well, we're a tightly integrated unit.
08:49We're a family.
08:51A family?
08:53You're the police force.
08:55We agreed.
08:56Blood and thunder.
08:57Boots on the ground.
08:58None of this wishy-washy, touchy-feely, hand-holding pish.
09:04I've never seen diversity, equity or inclusion arrest anyone.
09:07Hmm?
09:09Okay.
09:10We'll look for trims in all departments.
09:13Yeah.
09:14Get on it.
09:15We need this done by the next finance round.
09:17Right?
09:18I'm a big fan of Momentum, Chief.
09:20Now serve.
09:21I'm a big fan of Momentum too, mister!
09:23Oh!
09:25Sorry.
09:31Okay.
09:32Nineteen, mister.
09:35Ladies.
09:37Shift up.
09:39You okay, Dad?
09:40Yeah, I just...
09:41Ah!
09:42Oh!
09:43Whew!
09:44Heard you on the radio.
09:45When are you going to find these cuts?
09:47Your salary?
09:48Well, you know, if it came to that, I'd certainly consider considering it.
09:52I know where you could save money by making cuts.
09:55Right.
09:56I'm open to suggestions.
09:58The police.
10:00Well, no bad ideas in a brainstorm, but we're thinking of first looking at the police choir.
10:05They'll come for DEI. They always do.
10:07Not on my watch.
10:08I am a fierce protector of progressive modernity.
10:12So, ladies, women, people.
10:16Who's tonight's author?
10:18Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.
10:20Ah, yes, yes.
10:22Personal favourite of mine.
10:23Love her work.
10:25Proceed.
10:26Is Chimamanda writing from a historical Marxist feminist worldview?
10:32Or do we bracket her in a more modern, intersectional, eco-feminist?
10:40Dad?
10:44Bit of both?
10:49Look at that, Pop.
10:51That's how much it costs to neuter all the dogs in the police force.
10:55It's counterproductive.
10:56Just let them breed, we'll get free dogs.
10:59What's the matter, Pop?
11:00Justice Department have been in touch.
11:02List five ways to justify your job.
11:05Ah, figurehead, law enforcer, justice dispenser, hero and icon.
11:10Not just you, it landed in everybody's inbox at 6am.
11:14Okay, okay.
11:16We've all got the email.
11:18It's just five things per staff member.
11:20We can cover that off, can't we?
11:22Forcing people to justify their existence is just plain wrong.
11:26It should be voluntary.
11:27I've already done 50.
11:2850?
11:29When?
11:30Battered them out on the exercise bike.
11:31And I'm about to batter out 50 more.
11:34Well done, Muldoon.
11:37Sorry.
11:3950?
11:40Lindsay, you've got more than five too.
11:43Just list them.
11:45Play the game.
11:46No.
11:47I'm taking a principled stand.
11:49It might be to your benefit.
11:53And your departments.
11:55So they're coming for me.
11:56For us.
11:57No, no, no, no, no.
11:58No, no, I haven't heard that.
11:59No.
12:00No, there's been no indication of that whatsoever in any way at all.
12:03But if they did, you'd defend me.
12:06Lindsay.
12:07It's me.
12:08The people's chief.
12:10Your chief.
12:12Your department.
12:13It's vital.
12:14Life without you would be like a police car without its Nino.
12:17Five positive measures?
12:18What even is that?
12:19What even is this?
12:20What even am I?
12:21Why am I?
12:22Where is the what of the why?
12:23Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul.
12:24Listen.
12:25You do any number of positive things around here, okay?
12:28You answer the phone for the tea.
12:30Wait.
12:31I'll type that out before I forget.
12:32Okay.
12:34Look at Henry.
12:36Sorry, I forgot.
12:37That's why I came in.
12:38Nadeem is on the line.
12:40Nadeem?
12:42What does the Codfather want now?
12:44Fisheries Minister.
12:47He's coming now?
12:49I owe you some monkfish at the Balmoral for this.
12:52Everyone!
12:53Listen up.
12:54McGuck's on his way.
12:55All hands on deck.
12:57I don't want any excuses.
13:11It's not required.
13:12It's not justified.
13:14Oh, Minister, although I wasn't expecting you.
13:18Ah!
13:19Ah!
13:20Ah!
13:21Vocal alarm, Chief.
13:24Some eejit put these posters up in your HQ.
13:27Muldoon, get those right in the bin!
13:31Now, since I'm here, any chance you could show me how you're spending Scotland's money?
13:36I'd be delighted!
13:37After the water cannon, we can look at the riot boys' kettling.
13:43They tend to practise on their lunch hour and...
13:47Oh!
13:48I'm sorry, I'm not wearing my hat.
13:51Apologies.
13:52Back to my office, everyone.
13:53Do we need it, sir?
13:54Well, of course I need my hat.
13:56Muldoon, this is the Justice Minister.
13:58Not the photocopier salesman.
13:59He deserves to be treated with respect and...
14:01It's fine, Chief.
14:02Let's kick on.
14:03Right.
14:04Are you sure about that?
14:05Because it is actually quicker, I think, Muldoon, isn't it?
14:06If we go back to...
14:08What's that?
14:09This is...
14:10Oh!
14:11This, I think, is an awards ceremony for bravery.
14:15One of our heroes recently punched a devil dog.
14:23Wow!
14:24Well done!
14:28So, what's this, then?
14:30Oh, thank you for your interest.
14:31This is a team-building workshop.
14:34Right.
14:35So, you're in charge.
14:36Yes.
14:37Lindsay MacLeod, head of...
14:38Many things.
14:39Many, many things.
14:41Diversity, equity and inclusion.
14:44Including those three things.
14:46Although we do refer to it these days as the Department of Danger, Energy and Instinct,
14:50which more clearly represents the work of the department.
14:53And these are serving police officers.
14:55Yes, they are.
14:56So, while one partner is blindfolded, the other provides instructions.
15:00The challenge is to get through the obstacle course and then pick up all these wee ping pong balls and pop them in the buckets.
15:07Trust.
15:08Yes, the more that the police trust in each other, the more the public trusts the police.
15:14Yes.
15:15So, the water cannon.
15:16And what are these?
15:18Oh, no.
15:19These are for our empathy sessions.
15:21Our officers develop their emotional intelligence facts.
15:24Towers payers money.
15:26Going on what?
15:27Messing about with ping pong balls and teddy bears.
15:30Ahem.
15:31No, that's not correct.
15:33No?
15:34No.
15:35Some of them are bunnies.
15:37Chief.
15:38Chief.
15:39Look at me.
15:41I really want to support the police with a bigger budget.
15:45But for that to happen, heads must roll.
15:49Yeah.
15:50I mean, heads are already rolling, Minister.
15:53We've already let Big Tam go.
15:55Once in the canteen, he was so slow at putting the tattie scones in the rolls.
15:59Get out of here.
16:00Chief.
16:02It is crystal clear what this organisation doesn't need.
16:06You are a police force.
16:08Not a therapy service.
16:13You know what you need to do, Chief.
16:22You said you would support me.
16:24And I did.
16:25Until, well, certain circumstances arose that somewhat forced my hand.
16:29I...
16:30Well, you're about to find out what life is like without your Nino.
16:35Look.
16:36You've done all that you can here.
16:37We're sorted now.
16:39Brand new.
16:41Look, it's temporary.
16:43Look, McGurk.
16:45Look, McGurk.
16:46McGurk won't be here forever.
16:47Remember when the Justice Minister was from the Green Party
16:51and we all had to cycle to work and only eat kale burgers?
16:54Hmm?
16:55We're going to have a memorable farewell bash for you.
16:58One for the ages, eh?
17:02What can I do?
17:03It's McGurk.
17:04He's the boss.
17:05And he's gone tonto.
17:07Chief.
17:08If I could just correct you one last time.
17:11I don't think you can say that.
17:13Our priority is protecting the Scottish people.
17:24Our zero-sum budget identified savings in DEI
17:27and we had no alternative but to take action.
17:30So, Chief Commissioner, shuttering the police force departments of diversity, equity and inclusion,
17:34is that a necessary step to protect the Scottish people?
17:38Why did you say that?
17:39Because you did.
17:40No, I didn't.
17:42We've just played the clip.
17:43No, you haven't.
17:44But we did.
17:45Well, I didn't hear it.
17:46And I'm sure your listeners didn't either.
17:49This is typical legacy media manipulation.
17:53Take something that doesn't exist, play it, claim that it does exist
17:56and then blame me when I point out that it doesn't.
17:59Well, I'm not playing along.
18:01Chief Commissioner, the Scottish people deserve not to be lied to.
18:04I'll tell you what the Scottish people deserve.
18:06They deserve safer, crime-free streets.
18:08And that is what I intend to deliver.
18:11Perhaps you should concentrate on that, Connie, rather than semantics.
18:17Pass me away, Ellen.
18:18I've put the oven timer on for your mini-Kievs.
18:21Keeves.
18:22Sorry, mini-Keeves.
18:24Where are you going?
18:25Oh, I'm just popping to Lindsay's leaving do.
18:28Leaving do.
18:29You've sacked your head of diversity.
18:31Well, no, no.
18:32She's...
18:33She's diversified into...
18:36Non-employment.
18:37Rickle hard enough and you can justify anything.
18:40So, ladies.
18:41Women.
18:42People.
18:44Who's tonight's author?
18:45Is it another Chimamanda?
18:47The legend of Faust.
18:48A mortal man with noble intentions.
18:50Who sells his soul to Mephistopheles for earthly pleasures and selfish short-term gain.
18:57But finds only guilt, torment and misery.
19:02You should try a Ken Follett.
19:03Fellow officers and support staff, we're here to, uh, say goodbye to, uh, Lindsay McLeod.
19:19A loyal and indec...
19:22Loyal servant of the Scottish police force.
19:25But, well, it's on to pastures new for Lindsay and I just know that she will thrive wherever she goes.
19:31And now someone else will get the benefits of her awareness seminars, uh, for the Gaelic, uh, language.
19:38So, I just wanted to say...
19:41Uh...
19:42Uh...
19:43Uh...
19:44Uh...
19:45Uh...
19:46Uh...
19:47Uh...
19:48Uh...
19:49Uh...
19:50Uh...
19:51Uh...
19:52Uh...
19:53Uh...
19:54Uh...
19:56Uh...
19:57Uh...
19:58Uh...
19:59Uh...
20:00Uh...
20:01Uh...
20:11Uh...
20:13Uh...
20:14Uh...
20:15game. Can I say that? Sounds a bit slavey, doesn't it? It's not, I'm sure. I think it's
20:22probably from golf. Or is it? Oh, it's basketball, is it? But either way, it wouldn't do, would
20:27it? It wouldn't do to be a bit slavey at the leaving do for the head of my diversity,
20:35equity and inclusion. You're not going to help me. And that's fine, Lindsay. That's
20:41fine. I respect that, you know? Sell me down the river. Oh no, that one is a bit slavey.
20:47Yes, look, enough of me. Let's hear from the main man herself, the woman, person, Lindsay
20:56MacLeod. Thank you to everyone who has supported me here and has been a friend to me. This
21:10song says everything I want to say.
21:26She'll be fine. She'll thrive.
21:30More than thrive.
21:32And we've got our bigger budget. Signing off is imminent. That's good for the police.
21:36We are pure muscle. No fire. You know when you see two dogs shagging down by the canal
21:45and the back dog's legs are shaking and he's straining and his thighs are pure, smooth muscle?
21:53That's us.
21:56We won't change our logo to that quite yet, but...
21:59And this next song is for everybody else. This is Suck My Fury by Hate Pusher. Paul!
22:21Aaaaaah! Suck My Fury! Suck My Fury! Suck My Fury!
22:30Aaaaaah!
22:39Kimberly?
22:39You're on the right side of history, chief.
23:05Who knows what we can achieve now?
23:06We've got rid of those clowns.
23:08Yeah, this is only the beginning.
23:11So, what's your next move, killer?
23:14My next move is for Lindsay.
23:18I'm bringing Lindsay back and her department.
23:26That was a good one, chief.
23:28Lindsay.
23:29Wait.
23:30What?
23:31You're being serious?
23:33Yeah.
23:34DEI never arrested anybody.
23:36There's more to policing than arrest.
23:39Bullshit.
23:40The force is arrest.
23:42Who's in the name?
23:42The force.
23:43Yeah.
23:44The force is also about...
23:46People, community, support and respect.
23:50And what's so wrong with people, community, support and respect?
23:53Save it for your leaving speech.
23:54You know, I'll have your arse for this.
23:56I'll send you to Thurzo.
23:58Oh, Thurzo.
23:59That's very nice.
24:00I like Thurzo.
24:01Do you know what I like most about Thurzo?
24:03It's golf course and oh, you're not there.
24:06So I won't have to listen to your Billy Big Bollocks bullshit.
24:10And your zero-sum budgets and your slogans PPP.
24:15You are a proper petty prick.
24:17You know, I thought you had bollocks, Mikkelsen.
24:20Yeah?
24:21I need a man to run my police force.
24:23A proper alpha.
24:24A stag.
24:25A bull.
24:26Not a feeble beta cuck.
24:28Ah, shut up and serve my guck.
24:30It's Minister!
24:32Oh, my God.
24:43Ah!
24:44Ah!
24:45Ah!
24:46Ah!
24:47Ah!
24:48Ambulance.
24:49Ambulance.
24:50Ambulance.
24:51Ambulance.
24:52No.
24:53Paul.
24:54Paul!
24:55What time is the budget signed off?
25:00In committee.
25:01Two minutes, Chief.
25:02It should be on the website soon.
25:03Okay, Paul.
25:04Let me know.
25:05I'll hold.
25:06Okay.
25:07We've actually booked this course.
25:10Sorry.
25:11Just one minute with one final rally.
25:14We're almost there.
25:19One minute.
25:21Anything, Paul?
25:22Still nothing.
25:23Nope.
25:24Won't be long.
25:25Ah!
25:26Hell of a rally.
25:28Oh, wait.
25:29Wait, that's it confirmed.
25:30Okay.
25:31The budget's increased.
25:32Yes.
25:33More money!
25:34Thank you, Paul.
25:35Yes.
25:37Oh, I get an ambulance here as soon as possible.
25:39Oh.
25:40I'll explain later.
25:41Will do.
25:42Oh, no!
25:43Oh, no!
25:44Oh, no!
25:45He's collapsed!
25:46Help!
25:51How's it hanging?
25:53You can't say that, Chief.
25:55McGurk looked so fit.
25:56McGurk looked so fit.
25:58But then not all vulnerabilities are visible.
26:01I heard about McGurk.
26:02I arrived here in that.
26:03But at least the Turbo Tasers have arrived.
26:06Power to the police.
26:12Good to see you're back.
26:13I'm hosting a seminar this afternoon.
26:16Empathy in the workplace, you interested?
26:19Aye.
26:20Sign me up.
26:22I'll be there.
26:23Ah!
26:37There he is.
26:40Back where he belongs.
26:44Terrible news about McGurk.
26:46Terrible.
26:47All thoughts at this time.
26:48And the nation is grateful to you for providing continuity
26:51and accepting your old job back.
26:53A little welcome home gift.
26:56So, are we going for lunch?
26:59Monkfish was mentioned.
27:00My treat.
27:01I'll put it on expenses.
27:03There's plenty in the budget.
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