Taskmaster - Season 20 Episode 04- Hey Mate
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00:01Hello?
00:08Hey!
00:13Argh!
00:14Nothing's ever straight forward in this stupid house.
00:17Hello! Welcome! Welcome to Taskmaster, a fun entertainment show
00:34in the same way that Chairman Mayer was a chilled out wacky uncle.
00:41Let's take a great leap forward into fun!
00:44Please welcome Anya Magliano!
00:48Maisie Anna!
00:51Bill Ellis!
00:53Rhys Shearsmith!
00:55And Sanjeev Bhaskar!
00:59And next to me, a man who thinks that men should be men
01:02and women should be physically jacked up enough
01:05to be able to lift those men.
01:07LAUGHTER
01:11It's...
01:12He likes a henchwoman!
01:13Little Alan Tom!
01:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:20So, I've got my special hat.
01:21It's my favourite hat. It's a bucket hat.
01:23Yeah.
01:24With our faces on.
01:25Yeah, nice.
01:26And inside...
01:27My bucket list.
01:28And my bucket hat.
01:29And the good news is...
01:30It's sort of good news, bad news.
01:31I've almost finished it, so not much to live for any more, but...
01:34Almost done.
01:35I've touched a horse.
01:36I've touched a motorbike.
01:37I've done most of them now.
01:39Three left.
01:40I've still got to find an emerald,
01:41sell the emerald on the black market and buy a speedboat,
01:43and then I'm done.
01:45LAUGHTER
01:46Yep, OK.
01:47So, what's the punchline?
01:48There's no...
01:49Well...
01:50The punchline to this bit is,
01:52find an emerald,
01:53sell it on the black market,
01:54buy a speedboat.
01:55Buy a speedboat.
01:56Yeah.
01:57LAUGHTER
01:59Oh!
02:00I guess I could try...
02:01Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on.
02:03There's an emerald, right?
02:04There's an emerald!
02:05Oh!
02:06LAUGHTER
02:07I've found an emerald!
02:08APPLAUSE
02:10Well, that's my bit done.
02:11Yeah, that's a good bit.
02:12That's it.
02:13Price task.
02:14Please, my little whippet.
02:15I'll whip it in a minute, you cheeky mink.
02:20LAUGHTER
02:22So, the prize task category is...
02:24A possession that would most confuse a future archaeologist
02:29if you were buried holding it.
02:31LAUGHTER
02:32Five points for the best possession,
02:33four new possessions for the winner.
02:35And now it's back to Flirty Bertie.
02:38LAUGHTER
02:40Amazing.
02:41What thing did you bring in?
02:42I thought it'd be good to be buried
02:43with a defining piece of literature.
02:46So, I've got it here, as you see,
02:48written with Egyptian hieroglyphs.
02:50There's the front cover,
02:51and inside it looks like this.
02:52Hmm.
02:53What will be confusing for the people
02:55that eventually translate it,
02:57is that this isn't actually
02:58an ancient Egyptian piece of literature.
03:00It's the Amanda Holden autobiography.
03:03LAUGHTER
03:04LAUGHTER
03:05It's no holding back.
03:06LAUGHTER
03:07And it is a genuine translation
03:08into hieroglyphs of that work.
03:10LAUGHTER
03:11Is the title no holden back?
03:13She's put...
03:14No, no, no, you'd think it would be.
03:16LAUGHTER
03:17No, this is just no holding back.
03:19LAUGHTER
03:20And you've converted it
03:21into Egyptian hieroglyphics?
03:22Into Egyptian hieroglyphics.
03:23Jesus Christ.
03:25Amazing.
03:26This is excellent.
03:27Phil, what have you brought in
03:28to confuse an archaeologist?
03:29Yes, it's a photograph of myself.
03:31And here it is.
03:32There we go.
03:33What?!
03:34LAUGHTER
03:36You're on the right.
03:38LAUGHTER
03:39I think it's my 12th birthday.
03:41The thing is, we didn't have a dog.
03:43I have no idea who that is.
03:44LAUGHTER
03:46No idea who it is.
03:47So why do you think
03:48it's going to confuse an archaeologist?
03:50Congratulations.
03:51So they're going to think,
03:52is it a couple?
03:54LAUGHTER
03:55I reckon they find it confusing,
03:57but equally...
03:58I don't think they would, Phil.
03:59No!
04:00I think any archaeologist
04:01who finds this goes,
04:02well, here's just a picture
04:03of a weird kid.
04:04LAUGHTER
04:05Now then, Rhys,
04:07how are you going to confuse an archaeologist?
04:10I thought it would be unusual
04:12to be buried with something
04:13that could be...
04:14Well, you can't quite work out
04:16what it is,
04:17whether it's an omen,
04:19a portent,
04:20a curse.
04:21So I came up with
04:22being buried with this.
04:24LAUGHTER
04:25It's a mirror with the words,
04:27is this you on it.
04:29So they'll open it up,
04:30they'll be like, like that,
04:31and they'll go,
04:32snap the bones to the other.
04:33And they're looking at themselves,
04:34but they don't quite know
04:35what the message means.
04:36Did I do it?
04:37Is it me?
04:38Is it me?
04:39Is it meant for them?
04:40Is it just a mirror with Tipex on it?
04:41LAUGHTER
04:43There have been quite a few
04:44examples of mirrors
04:45found at burial sites.
04:46Oh, right.
04:47And it has confused archaeologists.
04:48Oh!
04:49No-one knows quite
04:50why they were buried with them.
04:51Amanda Holden said
04:52she'd want to be buried
04:53with her mobile phone
04:54in case she wasn't dead
04:55and she could use Insta.
04:56LAUGHTER
04:58Anya,
04:59what have you got?
05:00I brought in
05:01limited edition
05:03jelly beans.
05:04Yes,
05:05she made them.
05:06They look...
05:07LAUGHTER
05:08...like this.
05:09Dual flavour jelly beans.
05:12I did it all by hand.
05:14Cutting in half jelly beans,
05:15sticking them back together.
05:16So, yeah,
05:17I didn't actually think of using scissors.
05:18Right.
05:19But halfway through
05:20my partner said
05:21you could use a knife.
05:22What were you using?
05:23What were you using?
05:24Teeth?
05:25I was using my teeth, yeah.
05:26LAUGHTER
05:27I was sticking them back together.
05:29Some of them just went naturally
05:30and then some of them
05:31needed a bit of lubrication
05:32from the old tongue.
05:34Oh!
05:35No, no.
05:36So you think the archaeologists are going,
05:37oh, there's some jelly beans here.
05:39Wait a minute!
05:41LAUGHTER
05:42They've been bitten in half
05:43by some mad woman!
05:44LAUGHTER
05:46Oh, please.
05:47This...
05:48This is really nice
05:49that I took this.
05:50Anya, I'm telling you now,
05:51I've written down Anya one point.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:53I haven't even heard everyone.
05:55LAUGHTER
05:56Can I just say,
05:57the mind is like a parachute.
05:58It works best when it's open.
06:00LAUGHTER
06:02You may...
06:03You may say that.
06:04LAUGHTER
06:05Sanjeev, it's all to play for here.
06:07Well, this would be more confusing
06:09if someone else was found buried with it.
06:11OK, this is what Sanjeev has brought him.
06:13Oh.
06:14LAUGHTER
06:15So that is a sample of urine.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:18So, now, someone else found buried
06:21holding a sample of my urine.
06:23Sanjeev Vasquez's piss.
06:24Yeah, OK.
06:25And a pet treat gun.
06:26OK.
06:27A pet treat gun?
06:28Yeah.
06:29It launches treats into the air for the...
06:31Yeah, and then the creature jumps up and bites it.
06:32And then they jump up and get it.
06:33The creature...
06:34LAUGHTER
06:35You know, the gorilla.
06:37You're a big dog lover, Rita.
06:40LAUGHTER
06:41Is there a link between the dog catcher and the urine?
06:44You're the archaeologist.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:47I think he's made his point very well, though.
06:49Well, shall we deal with Anya first?
06:51Yeah, Anya, one point.
06:52Oh.
06:53Dog boy.
06:54LAUGHTER
06:55Let's give him two.
06:56Two to Phil. Well done, Phil.
06:57Let's give the mirror three.
06:58I'm going to give four points to Sanjeev.
07:02Oh.
07:03So, five points to Maisie!
07:04Well done, Maisie Ellen!
07:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:10Right, on we go.
07:11What have you got for me, Alex?
07:12Well, Greg, why don't you have a good old yank on this?
07:15LAUGHTER
07:17Hi.
07:35Anya.
07:36Hello.
07:37You blend in.
07:38To what? To the wall?
07:39Yeah.
07:40You look like the wall.
07:42Looks like an obstacle course of some kind.
07:44Yeah, quite an expensive one.
07:47Oh!
07:52Impressive.
07:54Pull something from that red-green
07:57onto this red-green
07:59using this string.
08:01Throughout your pull, you must remain on this red-green.
08:05Your thing must travel through or over all the obstacles.
08:10The biggest thing pulled onto this red-green wins.
08:14You have 15 minutes and one attempt.
08:17Your time starts now.
08:19OK, let me just have a look.
08:20Let me just walk the course.
08:22Like, in golf.
08:23LAUGHTER
08:25Very good.
08:27Urine.
08:28Didn't expect that.
08:30LAUGHTER
08:31Yep.
08:32OK, so these are the things that...
08:35I can choose?
08:36No, that's a rhino.
08:37That's going to be firing balls at your thing.
08:39Oh.
08:40OK.
08:41APPLAUSE
08:48Well, I don't think we need to mess around.
08:50Let's fire balls.
08:51Let's assault course.
08:52We start by watching Anya, Maisie and Rhys pulling on a thread.
08:55Here we go.
08:57Put a little person on that, maybe.
08:58Oh, that's lovely.
08:59I think he's going to go on there.
09:05Yeah.
09:06Nice, nice.
09:07Those are good wheels.
09:08Fuck off.
09:13That's pretty big.
09:14It's going to look like a baby.
09:16You're going to be dragging a baby through the obstacles.
09:18Yeah, it's like a metaphor for giving birth.
09:20Is it?
09:21Right, I'm doing it. Pulling.
09:33She's ready.
09:37So it's a steady pull of a pig.
09:38Yeah.
09:39Steady pig pull.
09:40Pull pork.
09:44Stop firing balls at my baby!
09:46If you had a doctor firing tennis balls as you were pulling it out of your...
09:51Are you allowed to say vagina on this thread?
09:53Yeah, you can say vagina if you want.
09:55Vagina?
09:58Why is it going over to the other side?
10:00I specifically put the wheels so that it would come to me.
10:03It's going toward the rhino.
10:05Oh, come on.
10:07I don't understand what's happening with it.
10:09Oh, no.
10:11Alex, please, if you could help me out a little bit.
10:14Oh, thank you.
10:19Oh!
10:20Striking the pig.
10:23You on the bridge?
10:27I think you might have to drag him.
10:29I'm going to drag him.
10:30You have a minute and a half.
10:31OK.
10:34We have movement.
10:37Fuck off, Ryan.
10:39She's through the door.
10:41Don't lose your momentum.
10:42OK.
10:44I could cry.
10:58Can I go?
10:59Yes.
11:00Thanks.
11:01Yeah.
11:02It survived the saloon doors.
11:03What is a cervix if not a set of saloon doors?
11:05Uh-oh.
11:10Oh, no.
11:11She's caught on the ledge of the womb.
11:14I was going to snap.
11:15OK.
11:16What would you like me to do?
11:17Could you lift it higher, please?
11:19Yeah.
11:21Yeah, that worked.
11:22Final push.
11:24Congratulations.
11:25But I will have to tell Greg what I did.
11:26You were the midwife.
11:34No!
11:35Oh!
11:36He snapped!
11:37That's failed in its failure.
11:38Can I go and tie it?
11:39No.
11:40I'm going to do it.
11:41I don't care.
11:42OK.
11:43Come on.
11:45Oh, no.
11:46Come on!
11:48Oh!
11:50I'm just doing it round its neck.
11:51Yeah.
11:52Come on!
11:54Oh, the scarecrows!
11:55Oh, it's locked!
12:05Well done.
12:07So easy.
12:09Sorry about the cheek.
12:14You're a lot angrier than I imagined you to be, Maisie,
12:17before you came on the show.
12:18It's like a red mist that descends.
12:20And I've got points to bring up, by the way.
12:23Oh.
12:24You add assistance.
12:25You re-tied your knots.
12:26It said, stay on your green, pull something onto the green.
12:29It didn't say you couldn't have help, did it, in the task?
12:31Well, I...
12:32I can't just, like, open the envelope and then ring people and be like,
12:35can you come and help me?
12:36Well, unless it says you can't do that.
12:39All the information is on the task.
12:43Fuck off, Greg!
12:45Who would you have run and how would they have helped?
12:49My friend Jordan, he lives not too far from where...
12:52You know Jordan?
12:53Yeah.
12:54I like her.
12:56I don't mean I'd have run Katie Price.
12:59No?
13:00Why wouldn't you not have run Katie Price?
13:02I don't think she would have been best suited to the...
13:04We're getting off topic.
13:05What?
13:07My rope snapped and I accepted it and walked off.
13:11You've had your baby lifted up by him.
13:14Alex Horne.
13:15And then you've gone and...
13:17You've come off your green to go and re-tie them.
13:19Yes.
13:20Yet somehow I'm the knobhead for not ringing Katie Price.
13:23What?
13:24That...
13:25That...
13:26That saves me some in it, I think.
13:29Anya, this is one of those moments where a person's time on Taskmaster
13:34will be defined by one moment.
13:36And I've asked Alex to capture it.
13:38Yes.
13:39Oh, God.
13:40This is you, Anya.
13:41A vagina.
13:43I don't think I've ever said it like that before in my life.
13:46She did well.
13:49Whatever Maisie might think, she stuck to the rules.
13:52Eh?
13:54I can't see a rule that Anya broke.
13:56Well, you lifted out her object out the pool.
14:00Yes, because...
14:01Because Anya asked him to.
14:03And it doesn't say in the task that you shouldn't ask.
14:05It just seems like you're maybe not okay asking other people for help.
14:08That is such a beautiful moment on this show.
14:16Yeah.
14:17We're talking about a task given to one competitor.
14:21And now, we're like, oh...
14:22Yes, I'll keep your nose out.
14:24Where are we?
14:26It's got nothing to do with you, what happened I had.
14:28Yeah, it's got nothing to do with you.
14:29Thank you, Rhys.
14:30It's got nothing to do with you.
14:31We haven't even gone through it down all.
14:32They're fighting again.
14:33They're fighting again.
14:34They're fighting again.
14:35We've learned enough of it.
14:36OK, I...
14:38I do love the way that you're contributing to the session.
14:41Um...
14:42LAUGHTER
14:43You were saying it was very important,
14:45and you were saying it was very important.
14:47APPLAUSE
14:48Well, that rage brings us on to your attempt very nicely, I think.
14:54I thought I was quite calm for me.
14:56I thought the madness kicked in
14:58when Alex suggested you drag the pig
15:00and you said, I'm gonna drag him!
15:03LAUGHTER
15:05And then you did, I think, £500 worth of damage
15:07by throwing a sheep at a scale.
15:08Yeah, they were costly.
15:10Yeah.
15:11LAUGHTER
15:12OK, sorry.
15:14LAUGHTER
15:15All right, we're gonna stop for break number one.
15:18Time to book a holiday.
15:20Might as well.
15:21There won't be any party islands left soon.
15:23Just one big ocean ruled by a man with gills.
15:26Bye!
15:27APPLAUSE
15:28Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Taskmaster.
15:39Before the break, we had a string thing going on.
15:41Yes, I suppose we did,
15:42because the contestants were battling it out in a war of tugs.
15:46There are just two muscle-bound guys left to pull the biggest object
15:50from one circle to the other.
15:51Are we still on tugs?
15:52LAUGHTER
15:53It's our Victorian muscle-man, Phil Ellis,
15:56and the world's strongest Sanjeev Bhaskar.
15:59LAUGHTER
16:01This is interesting.
16:05LAUGHTER
16:09Taking the rhino out of the equation.
16:12Big...
16:13and light.
16:15Come on, then.
16:16Well, I...
16:17I'm not sure you'll be able to pull me.
16:19Well, you've got to have some give.
16:20I mean, you've got legs, haven't you?
16:22Down.
16:23Here's a big old boy!
16:24Ow, fuck!
16:25LAUGHTER
16:27That looked so grim, didn't it?
16:29LAUGHTER
16:30You were trying to tug me like a dog in a lead?
16:32Well, I wouldn't put it like that.
16:33I mean, look, I mean...
16:34Listen, I could put it round your neck.
16:36LAUGHTER
16:37I mean, that's... but I'm not going to.
16:39Right, I'm just going to tie this gently round your neck.
16:41LAUGHTER
16:46I didn't expect to see that this morning,
16:47when they went for a fly.
16:49LAUGHTER
16:50Good?
16:51Well, that's no good, is it?
16:52I mean, you didn't help at all then, did you?
16:54Ten minutes left.
16:55I'll give you some money.
16:57Twenty quid.
17:02Twenty quid.
17:03Oh, normally you go up on the second one.
17:05LAUGHTER
17:07Well, I'll go twenty-five.
17:08OK, have you got the money?
17:09No, not on me.
17:11How long have I got?
17:12Three minutes thirty.
17:13Perfect.
17:16Give me a bit of a chance.
17:18OK, I've got a few things here.
17:20I mean, that's obviously got a handle on it.
17:21Yeah, I like that.
17:22Yeah, that's good.
17:23I just want you...
17:24just to protect your head...
17:25Right.
17:26...as well.
17:27Right.
17:28Here we go.
17:30Oh.
17:34We're off.
17:35I'm feeling a tug.
17:36Come on, Bernard.
17:38Come on, boy.
17:39Doesn't look happy.
17:40Come on.
17:41Let's get you to that glue factory, pal.
17:43I know what it's like.
17:44And what the hell was that?
17:45That's the rhino firing balls at himself.
17:47Don't do it!
17:48There's only three of you left!
17:51Whoo!
17:52Whoo!
17:53Good use of shield.
18:01Come on, Bernard!
18:02I'm going to put a small child on your back
18:04and charge the money for the privilege.
18:06You've got one minute.
18:09Nice work, Alex.
18:10Nice and steady.
18:14Come on, Bernard!
18:15Are you doing all right?
18:16Hey!
18:17There's not much pleasure you get in life
18:19that could be dragging a lifeless horse
18:21over a child's paddling pool.
18:27What happens here, Sanjay?
18:28I mean, feel free to duck.
18:29I can't.
18:30Oh, can't you?
18:33How long have I got?
18:34Three...
18:35Oh, God, that's big.
18:37How's that?
18:39Pretty good, isn't it?
18:45Excellent!
18:48Well done.
18:49Safe and sound.
18:50Helpful, Alex.
18:5125 quid.
18:53And that.
18:54Did you receive the £25 from Sanjeev?
19:04No.
19:06Oh!
19:08Oh, shit.
19:09I didn't have it on me then, but I do now.
19:12Oh!
19:13Because I made sure...
19:16So I didn't know when the task was up, but every show...
19:18Oh, did you?
19:20I'm carrying this around.
19:23I've been able to do all of that.
19:30Are you all right with this?
19:31No, I'm not.
19:33I'm all right with this.
19:34I think I may get enough points that I can be all right with it.
19:42Phil, you've got incredibly emotionally attached to an inanimate object.
19:47Genuinely sweet.
19:48Well, I've never been involved in any kind of teamwork, or some would say, long-term friendship.
19:53So...
19:55You finally look what you can.
19:56You make your own friends.
19:57Exactly.
19:58Size-wise, it was about the size of the objects that made it over.
20:01Yeah.
20:02Sanjeev's was the size of a baby, I suppose.
20:04Sanjeev's was the same size as me.
20:06Weirdly, Phil's horse was the same size as you.
20:09It was 4.8 cubic feet, which famously you are.
20:12I think there's no doubt that Phil wins the task and gets five points.
20:15I think, what a great task as well, I'd like to say.
20:19Are you happy that Sanjeev dragged me to the other end?
20:21I'm afraid I am.
20:22Four points to Sanjeev.
20:23Well done.
20:25Are you happy that Anya, with some help, got the baby to the other end?
20:28I am.
20:29Three points to Anya.
20:31So, I guess, rules-wise, zero points to Maisie.
20:34And Rhys?
20:35He didn't complete the task, he broke the rules, so he can't have any points either.
20:38So, 0-0, but Phil Ellis is the winner on the task of five points!
20:41Come on, Maisie!
20:46Can you see the scores, please?
20:47Yes, well, I can tell you, that was the first time that Phil has won a task so far.
20:52LAUGHTER
20:56And what a task to win as well.
20:57Oh, I know.
20:58And just by following the rules...
21:01It means, Phil, you're in second place but in the lead with eight points,
21:04it's Sanjeev Pascoe!
21:05APPLAUSE
21:09Shall we have a minute at that?
21:10Ah, yes.
21:11Now, you...
21:12Would you...
21:13I don't want to make things tricky, but do you mind if I...
21:15Just...
21:16Do you want...
21:17Yeah.
21:18I don't know if I just...
21:19Yeah.
21:20Just...
21:21Oh.
21:26OK.
21:27Happy?
21:28Yeah.
21:30You.
21:31Not as happy as you.
21:32No.
21:35OK, well, here we go.
21:36Ha ha ha ha...
21:37APPLAUSE
21:39MUSIC
21:42SANJA
21:44SANJA
21:45Hello!
21:47Sanjeev!
21:49Hello?
21:50Sanjeev!
21:54Nothing for me, OK. Have a seat.
21:59Have a seat?
22:01Now, go on.
22:02Are you sure? Yeah.
22:03I mean, we're both meant to. Shall we both try it?
22:05Yes, let's.
22:07You look like the back to the GX. I know.
22:10Let's go one cheek each.
22:12I've got a tiny arse, to be honest, so I can probably do this.
22:19Oh, it's awkward. I'm not getting cramped.
22:22Make things genuinely awkward.
22:24Most genuine awkwardness wins.
22:26You have 20 minutes.
22:28Your time starts now.
22:31That's really hard.
22:32Wait, for who? For who?
22:34It doesn't have to be for us.
22:36We can make Alex awkward.
22:45Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:47It's really awkward.
22:49Can we just ask you some more questions?
22:53So, you know...
22:54Alex, just look away. I'm going to start taking my clothes off.
22:56Right.
22:57Alex, look at me. I'm about to start taking my clothes off.
22:59Oh, you want me to look at you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:01Not look at you. Right.
23:02Who do you think's the funniest, me or you?
23:06Er...
23:07Alex, who's funnier and who has been funnier?
23:10Have you two? Yeah.
23:11Oh, that's difficult.
23:12Is it awkward?
23:13But...
23:14For me, no. No, maybe it's been funnier.
23:16I can't wait to see the horrors of what you've got planned.
23:29I was immediately awkward by everything that happened in that.
23:32But I know it gets worse.
23:33Well, let's see the first team's attempt.
23:35And slightly awkwardly, it's the team of two with Sir Shearsmith and Madam Adam.
23:40Adam, Adam.
23:45Thank you, everyone, for coming to Josh's memorial.
23:51As my son, he was obviously the apple of my eye and we had such high hopes for him.
23:56Yeah.
23:57And one of the teachers that always used to inspire him was Miss Reuben.
24:01Miss Reuben's here, who has very kindly agreed to say a few words about Josh.
24:09I'll just go now.
24:10OK.
24:12Thanks so much.
24:14So, um...
24:16Yeah, it's, um...
24:17What was your name, sorry?
24:19Alex.
24:20Alex, Alex.
24:21My son was Josh.
24:22Yeah, yeah.
24:23He died.
24:24Yeah, yeah.
24:25So, as Alex has just said, I was fortunate enough to teach Jack...
24:31Josh.
24:32Josh.
24:33Josh.
24:34A lively character.
24:35Not now, obviously.
24:37But, frankly, we had quite a few cleverer kids in the class.
24:45In fact, I used to say cleverer and then he'd put his hand up and go,
24:49Oh, that's not weird, actually!
24:51Um, which did used to rile me up.
24:53Just one of those people that thought you're smarter than he is.
24:55I'm not sure of that.
24:56And, er, I always used to think, like, you know, like father, like son.
24:59Because I remember you from a lot of parents' evenings.
25:02You never lost faith.
25:03I'll give that to you.
25:04You would always go, oh, it's in there somewhere.
25:06And it wasn't.
25:07It was never there.
25:08It wasn't.
25:09And I tried, so...
25:11But thanks again for coming.
25:12Thanks again for coming.
25:13And God bless...
25:15...us all.
25:16Now my wife would like to say a few words.
25:19You know my wife, don't you?
25:20Yeah, I do know your wife.
25:21Because I've seen you both together.
25:23Oh.
25:26Thank you for coming.
25:27Right.
25:28I'm leaving.
25:29OK.
25:30My own son's memorial.
25:31Cheers.
25:32That's Alex, Josh's dad there.
25:34Um, cake is served in the, um...
25:37By the font.
25:40LAUGHTER
25:42Wow.
25:47It was pretty strong, I thought.
25:49Yeah.
25:50It was pretty excruciating.
25:51So they left the room, they just decided to do some improv about a funeral,
25:54came back in, so they didn't know what they were going to say,
25:56and it was tense in the room.
25:57And the teacher was having a...
25:59A lesbian affair?
26:01Mm-hmm.
26:02Well...
26:03We think so.
26:04We...
26:05Our idea was to do bad improv,
26:09because there's nothing worse or more awkward than improv when it's bad.
26:14Oh, I just thought you were bad at improv, but...
26:17LAUGHTER
26:18We're at the halfway point of the episode.
26:20Advert time.
26:22What are you going to do about it?
26:23What are you looking at?
26:24Shut up.
26:25APPLAUSE
26:26Hello, and welcome back to the start of part three.
26:35Things were awkward before the break,
26:37and it's not about to get any less awkward now, is it, Alex?
26:39That's right.
26:40Most genuine awkwardness wins, and now it's time for the team of three,
26:43who, let's face it, are awkward just to look at.
26:46It's Anya, Phil and Sanjeev.
26:48Oh, you're back.
26:50Thanks, would you mind just come and sit there?
26:53Just have a seat.
26:55If you could just grab that.
26:59Do I need this?
27:00No, you don't need that.
27:04Thank you, Sanjeev.
27:05Hello, Anya.
27:06Hello, Anya.
27:09It's better for us, if you're just honest, you know,
27:12which one of us would you rather have sex with?
27:21Your answer here would either make you a racist or a sexist.
27:27Bearing in mind I'm 15.
27:31How old are you, Sanjeev?
27:33I'm older than 15.
27:34I'll have sex with you, Sanjeev.
27:36I think that's sexist.
27:38Because, I mean, during the week you were very happy to kind of
27:41contemplate the bits.
27:43My body.
27:44Yeah, exactly.
27:45You remember what you called my hole?
27:50It was French.
27:51Sound French.
27:52Was it Les Coles a school?
27:53You called my bumhole a school.
27:57We've got, we have got another thing you could help us with
28:00to maybe make it feel better, which is that you could wash our
28:03baby.
28:04I don't mind washing your baby.
28:05OK.
28:06Excellent.
28:18Baby's so dirty.
28:19Right.
28:20Don't mind that.
28:21Please be thorough.
28:22Thorough.
28:23Do your knees.
28:24Are you still dirty?
28:25Baby hungry.
28:26No, no, no.
28:27Baby hungry.
28:28Baby hungry.
28:29Baby hungry.
28:30I'm 43.
28:31Yeah, I'm 46.
28:32Yeah, I'm 46.
28:37I mean, what's wrong with you?
28:38Jeez.
28:39I mean, what's wrong with you?
28:40Jeez.
28:41LAUGHTER
28:45LAUGHTER
28:48Oh, God.
28:50I'm 43.
28:51Yeah, I'm 46.
28:52I'm 43.
28:53Yeah?
28:54I'm 46.
28:56APPLAUSE
28:58I mean, what's wrong with you, jeez?
29:11The word hole.
29:13The word hole was horrible.
29:15But I wasn't expected to be an anal sex friend.
29:21Yeah, it was not the vagina.
29:23Yeah. This is going to be a challenge for the children's version of this show.
29:30I would argue you can't show footage of a grown man sucking from another man's teeth.
29:38We did not plan that bit.
29:40No.
29:41But they ought to be on my own.
29:41Oh, was that spontaneous, that?
29:43I panicked.
29:46We're all very aware that you've played the very short version of what happened.
29:50LAUGHTER
29:51I mean, I'm horrified by both teams' efforts,
29:55but I would give one more point to the team of three.
29:59So I would give them five points and the team of two, four points.
30:02There we go. Well done, both of them.
30:03Well done, both of them.
30:05Right, let's have another task, Alex.
30:09Sure.
30:10And guess who forgot where he put the paintbrushes?
30:13Oh, hello.
30:36Hello, Anya.
30:37How are you?
30:39Uh, tickety-boo?
30:40Yeah.
30:41Um, I'm well, if you're bothered.
30:44No, I'm just here to record what happens.
30:46Right.
30:48Do the most accurate finger-painting of the person on the other end of the phone.
30:54You may only use four-letter words when speaking to them.
30:59And every other reply will be a lie.
31:02You have a total of ten minutes.
31:04Your time starts when the phone rings.
31:06Good luck.
31:07OK.
31:10And we're off.
31:13Um, hello?
31:16Hi, hi!
31:19Hi!
31:20Hi!
31:23Four-letter word seems an unusually cruel rule.
31:26It's tricky. Very tricky.
31:28I don't think there's much to discuss.
31:29Let's just crack on and do some finger-painting.
31:31Yes, the person they are painting can only say the truth every other answer.
31:36First to finger-paint are Anya and Sanjeev.
31:42Hiya.
31:44Hello.
31:44How are you?
31:46Uh, fine, thank you.
31:48Um...
31:49Cool.
31:52Uh...
31:53Cool?
31:54I'm cool, yeah.
31:56Great.
31:57What...
31:58Uh...
31:59Head?
32:01I do have a head.
32:03Face?
32:04I do have a face, yes.
32:06Chin?
32:07Uh, I have three chins.
32:09That's...
32:10OK.
32:11A little more complicated than I thought.
32:15Size...
32:16Nose?
32:17Uh, I don't have a nose.
32:18They don't have a nose.
32:19Oh, that's a lie.
32:20We're narrowing this down.
32:21Uh, name?
32:23Uh, John.
32:25John.
32:27So this is something that I do want to know.
32:32Sexy?
32:35Uh, very.
32:36Very.
32:37And that's true.
32:39John?
32:40No, my name's not John.
32:41My name's Andrew.
32:43OK.
32:44Uh, John?
32:46Uh, yes, my name's John.
32:48Um, hair?
32:49Uh, no, I'm bald.
32:50Oh.
32:51Hair?
32:52Uh, yes, I do have hair.
32:54Are you working out a tactic here?
32:56Not really.
32:58What I'm doing.
32:59What wear...
33:02...use?
33:03Yeah.
33:04I came straight from work, straight from the kitchen.
33:07So I do think they're in a chef outfit.
33:09Any idea what John's wearing?
33:10No, I can't find another word in my head for...
33:14clothes.
33:15Mess upon your garb?
33:20No, I wouldn't say suit.
33:21Suit?
33:22I'm not wearing a suit, no.
33:23Suit?
33:23Uh, yes, I am wearing a suit.
33:26Long hand?
33:28Yeah, I do have a long hand.
33:29Oh, that's a lie.
33:30Oh, shoe size?
33:32Uh, small.
33:34Small.
33:35He's got small feet with his short hands, has he?
33:36Sounds like a right catch.
33:40Ring?
33:41No, I wouldn't say so.
33:49You haven't said anything to John for a minute now.
33:51I can't multitask.
33:53That's the problem.
33:54Ah, wrong show.
33:55You're going to have to hang up on John in a second.
33:57Any final words?
33:58Um, love?
33:59I think we had a real connection there.
34:08Bats.
34:11Bats.
34:12I love bats.
34:16Excellent.
34:17Right, well, thank you so much, Sandy.
34:19Thank you very much for that.
34:22You're kidding.
34:23Oh, my God.
34:31Were you behind me the whole time?
34:33Yeah.
34:41What did you mean?
34:42Bats.
34:44Bats?
34:46Yeah, I mean, you didn't mean anything other than bats.
34:47It was a minute and a half of silence, then bats, bats, hang out.
34:50Anya just seemed to be on a dating app, as far as I could.
34:56It looked like, I think I looked like I was on a dating app,
34:58and then I say this with the utmost respect to Sanjeev,
35:01it looked like he was a person getting scammed.
35:08We can see Anya's and Sanjeev's while we're on the subject of them.
35:11So Anya drew this.
35:13Not, not terrible.
35:15The right sort of clothing.
35:17The gentleman is here.
35:18That's pretty good.
35:19It's surprisingly all right, isn't it?
35:22Flip over to Sanjeev.
35:23Bats, bats.
35:25Oh, my God.
35:26You see the bat?
35:27I think if you took his hat off, I don't think that's too far off.
35:30Well, let's have a look at him.
35:31It's not a million miles.
35:32It's not as far as I thought it'd be.
35:33Well, it's a man.
35:36Both better than I thought they would be.
35:38Right, one part to go.
35:40Who will amass the points needed to stand victorious on the stage?
35:44Sanjeev's second urine sample of the series is not going to win itself.
35:48Thank you for finding a part of the show.
36:00We've gone back to preschool for some finger painting.
36:03Yes, Mr Davis.
36:04They're trying to paint the man on the other end of the phone,
36:07in the phone box that was directly behind them.
36:10Remember, they may only use four-letter words when speaking to him
36:12and every other reply will be a lie.
36:15Remember that.
36:17Maisie, Phil and Rhys, remember that.
36:19Hello?
36:25Well, they won't reply for that.
36:26Hiya.
36:27Hello.
36:29Erm.
36:31Face?
36:32I do have a face, yes.
36:35Nice face.
36:36I've actually got a pretty ugly face, to be honest.
36:39Oh, OK.
36:40Sorry to hear that.
36:41Erm.
36:41Name.
36:52Andrew.
36:56Am I expected to know this, Andrew?
36:58You expected a painting.
37:00Hair.
37:02I don't have any hair.
37:04Eyes.
37:06I do have eyes.
37:08Blue?
37:09They are blue, yes.
37:10Ah.
37:12We're off.
37:13We're off.
37:13Great.
37:14Eyes blue?
37:15My eyes are not blue.
37:17They're hazel.
37:18Right.
37:19I don't even think that's a colour.
37:21That's grey.
37:22How have I got grey from green and red?
37:24You don't have to answer that.
37:25They weren't four-letter words.
37:26It's just nice to know you're there.
37:27High nose?
37:28Have high nose?
37:31Er, yes, high.
37:32Blue nose?
37:33I also have a blue nose, yes.
37:35You have a blue nose?
37:36Oh, come on.
37:37This is Papa Smurf.
37:39Hair.
37:40I do have hair, yes.
37:41Lots.
37:42Do I have bald?
37:43You just said you had hair, mate.
37:46I was going to ask him if he had big ears, but...
37:48If I'd have said ears, he wouldn't know that.
37:52I mean, size, would he?
37:54Ears.
37:55Size.
37:57I've got small ears.
37:59Oh, I've got big ones.
38:01Body.
38:02I do have a body, yes.
38:04Bigs?
38:06Yes, large.
38:07He's got a big body, doesn't he?
38:09Coat?
38:10Yes, I am wearing a coat.
38:11Cool coat?
38:12I would say it was quite cool, yeah.
38:14He's got a cool coat, isn't he?
38:15Yeah, it's a black leather jacket.
38:17I think it might be Danny Zuko.
38:19What make jobs?
38:21I make spaghetti bolognese.
38:24That's your job.
38:25Spag.
38:26Ball.
38:27Two L's.
38:28No, that's not right.
38:29That's not right.
38:30I don't think I care.
38:32Can I ask you something, Rhys?
38:34Yeah.
38:34How are you getting on with the truth and lie system of this?
38:37Have you remembered that?
38:38Oh.
38:47I hadn't been considering that.
38:50Right, I'm off now.
38:52You've been really, really unhelpful.
38:56Goodbye, Andrew.
38:57Nice talking to you, liar.
39:01I'm going to miss our chats.
39:02Yeah.
39:03Not good for my blood pressure, this, you know.
39:05I need this.
39:15The fact that they all made the same mistake is fascinating enough.
39:19I think we should just see the pictures.
39:20Yeah.
39:20Let's get to the goods.
39:21Maisie was furious that he wasn't apparently telling the complete truth,
39:25and this is what she painted with her fingers.
39:27You liar.
39:27The info I got was blue nose, spaghetti bolognese, and no body.
39:37So I think I genuinely left that caravan thinking, nailed that.
39:41I've smashed this.
39:42I've smashed this.
39:42Yeah.
39:43You thought that man was on the end of the line.
39:46So Maisie did that.
39:47Phil did this.
39:48Ooh.
39:49Ooh.
39:50That'd be cool.
39:51Yeah, I mean, straight away you went to Fonz.
39:53Yeah.
39:55Rhys, renowned artist, did this.
39:57What was the answer to the question, Biggs?
40:10Why did I think very definitely Red Shoes?
40:13How could I have got that from him?
40:15And that's the thing that worries you about your drawings.
40:17All five with our chef, Andrew, that's his name, here.
40:23It's not really about who's good at art,
40:25because, you know, you could say I've captured his spirit.
40:29The rule was, do the most accurate thing.
40:31Oh, now we're in the rules, are we?
40:35So, here we go.
40:36At the point.
40:36Yes.
40:37Least accurate first, please, Greg.
40:38Well, I don't think that Maisie will be annoyed with me for this.
40:42You think wrong.
40:43But, because with the best one in the world,
40:47as charming a character as that is,
40:49it does not look like a human.
40:51So, one point for Maisie.
40:52One to Maisie, good.
40:53And I'll give Sanjeev two points.
40:55Ooh, I like you, Sanjeev, two points.
40:57Phil, three points.
40:58Phil, three, OK.
41:00Rhys has captured his haunted look.
41:03See?
41:04But, you know, Anya's, I mean, somehow, that.
41:08Forgive me, Anya.
41:09Shit painting.
41:10Does look most like the chef.
41:15Wow.
41:15So, against all odds, she takes five points.
41:17Wow, there we go.
41:18And, yeah, five points.
41:22Right.
41:23One of the scores, Alex,
41:25I can tell you that in the series,
41:27Phil and Sanjeev are joint last with 70 points each,
41:30but in this episode, they're joint first with 15 points each.
41:34All right, everyone, can you make your way to the stage
41:41for the final task of the show?
41:42Oh!
41:48Hello, you angel.
41:50Hello.
41:51Who will be reading the task?
41:52I think Sanjeev should.
41:54OK.
41:57Eat the lame duck or don't eat the lame duck?
42:01I'm going to stop you there.
42:02Is there an accent on the E?
42:05LAUGHTER
42:05Yes, there is.
42:10I ate the lame duck.
42:15That's good.
42:18That's good. Thank you very much.
42:20OK, here we go.
42:22Eat the lame duck or don't eat the lame duck.
42:25If you are the only person to eat the lame duck,
42:28you win five points and everybody else loses one point.
42:32If more than one person eats the lame duck,
42:36all lame duck eaters lose three points
42:38and the lame duck refusers gain three points.
42:43If no-one eats the lame duck,
42:45you must each give Greg 25 pounds.
42:51If everyone eats the lame duck, Alex will give you each 25 pounds.
42:56You have two minutes.
42:59You've got to make the choice.
43:00Do you eat the duck or not eat the duck?
43:03Vegan chocolate, I will tell you now, it's delicious.
43:05Are you ready? Yeah. Eat or not eat?
43:08Vegan lame ducks.
43:10Listen, I say we all eat it.
43:12Yeah. We all get 25 quid.
43:14Yeah. We all lose three points.
43:16Yeah. What?
43:17We don't lose three points if you eat it.
43:19Because if more than one person eats the duck,
43:21all the duck eaters lose three points.
43:23But that leaves us where we are anyway.
43:24We're all 25 quid richer.
43:27Yeah.
43:27But three points less.
43:29Yeah, but across the board.
43:31Yeah.
43:32But you're already 25 quid down today.
43:35Well, don't worry about me.
43:38I want to eat the duck because it smells really good.
43:41Not a good reason.
43:42Well, then, good news, you can eat the duck and get 25 pounds.
43:44That feels like the win-win.
43:46How do you do that?
43:47By eating the duck?
43:48We all eat, we all eat a duck.
43:51If we all eat...
43:52If we all eat the duck, we'll all get 25 pounds and no points.
43:58But if one of you fails to uphold their end of the bargain...
44:01Yeah, but we won't because we'll all eat the duck.
44:03Why don't you all pass me your ducks now?
44:08And then we'll know, won't we?
44:10Quick as you can.
44:11Yeah, but do we trust Phil not to eat all the ducks?
44:14Well, that would be the thing, wouldn't it?
44:15We each have our duck, we can eat it, if all of us do it.
44:20I was voted most trustworthy person in my primary school.
44:2622 seconds of decision-making.
44:28What do we reckon?
44:33Guys, I ate mine.
44:34You're going to eat yours?
44:35I'm going to eat mine.
44:37No!
44:38What?
44:39Are you eating them?
44:40Five seconds left.
44:41Are we eating them now?
44:42Yes, three.
44:43What, are we eating them?
44:44Are we eating them now?
44:44Yes!
44:44Eat, eat, eat them now!
44:46No!
44:46No!
44:47No!
44:52Did someone not eat that at all?
44:53We will find out.
44:55We will find out.
44:56I did not expect that to be so exciting.
45:01Alex, go and clear up.
45:02Come down here and join me and we'll see how that's affected the final score.
45:13Well, well, well.
45:14Any duck gobbling treachery?
45:17There was a bit.
45:18I think they all agreed to eat their duck.
45:20Did somebody not?
45:21Somebody did not.
45:22Oh!
45:23Oh!
45:24Oh!
45:25Oh!
45:26Oh!
45:27Oh!
45:28Oh!
45:29Are you ju...
45:30Who?
45:31Who?
45:32Rhys, is it you?
45:33Yeah.
45:34Oh!
45:35Rhys!
45:36Rhys!
45:37Sheersmith did not eat his duck and if only one person didn't eat his duck, everyone
45:41else loses three and he gained three.
45:43Wow.
45:44Wow.
45:45Wow.
45:46Wow.
45:47Wow.
45:48Noted.
45:49You know why that happened?
45:50I didn't understand the rules.
45:51Sure you didn't get the rules, Macbeth.
45:53Great.
45:54But there's more, Greg.
45:55Ah!
45:56And this time I want to show you this.
45:57What do you mean?
45:58He didn't eat his duck.
45:59I've still got it.
46:00I've still got it.
46:01I sucked all the gold off.
46:02What does that mean though?
46:03It means I'm now worth more than I ever have been.
46:04If more than one person eats the lame duck, all lame duck eaters, that's Anya, that's Maisie,
46:10that's Sanjeev, lose three points and the lame duck refuses.
46:14That's Phil, that's Reece, gain three points.
46:15So well done, Phil, well done, Reece.
46:16Wow.
46:17Which means that Maisie's now at the bottom of the table with seven points but way above
46:18her with 18 points.
46:19For the first time he's won an episode, it's Phil and it's Phil and it's Phil and it's
46:22Phil and it's won!
46:23Phil and it's won!
46:24Please make it a change from a dream, your future archeological dreams!
46:27And if you've got the lame duck, you've got the lame duck, you've got the lame duck and
46:29the lame duck, you've got the lame duck and all lame duck eaters, that's Anja, that's
46:32Maisie, that's Sanjeev, lose three points and the lame duck refuses.
46:33That's Phil, that's Reece, gain three points, so well done, Phil, well done, Reece!
46:35Wow.
46:36Which means that Maisie's now at the bottom of the table with seven points but way above
46:40her with 18 points.
46:41For the first time he's won an episode, it's Phil and it's!
46:43Oh!
46:44Phil and it's won!
46:45Please make it a change from a dream, your future archeological dream!
46:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:20Thank you very much!
47:21Thank you very much!
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