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FunTranscript
00:00Oh
00:30I
00:49Told you I need to sit in the room and I need to see the horizon
00:55I'm sorry about that
00:57Who are you working for?
01:00I'm not working with anyone, no one
01:01What were you planning with Steve?
01:08Nothing, I thought the guy was one of us
01:11How did you acquire the classified document?
01:13She put in my bag without telling me
01:15What about the money?
01:16I didn't know he was gonna send me ten grand
01:19Fifteen
01:20Yeah, that's all I meant
01:22I'm afraid we're going to have to turn on the sound for another ten minutes
01:27No, please
01:28Bloody awful racket
01:29What is this?
01:38Is this little wall?
01:40No
01:41Well, this is good news
01:51Your stories tally up
01:53We're satisfied beyond reasonable doubt that you are not in fact double agents
01:58So I'll be taking ineptitude on my fork
02:01So we're not going to prison?
02:03No
02:03But in case it wasn't obvious, you're both dismissed
02:07Effective immediately
02:08Mum
02:09Look
02:10I know
02:11We messed up
02:12We've already gathered some really useful intel on this guy
02:16Steve, for one
02:17We don't think that's his real name
02:19Yeah, for another, he doesn't drink orange squash
02:21Also some other stuff you should know that is better than that
02:24You know what?
02:24I think we're good
02:25We've got this
02:26We could pull information and work out who this guy is
02:29We know who he is
02:31Steve's real name is Jared O'Hara
02:34He's an Oxford graduate who fucked up, got into drugs
02:37He's done six months for card fraud and isn't allowed a mortgage
02:41Three days ago we got intel from an asset inside a far right group
02:45Someone tried to sell them the security plans for the Notting Hill Carnival for a ludicrous price
02:50One of our agents then found said plans in a bin outside the pub
02:54Wait, wait, this pub, was it the rope and anchor?
02:58That's the one
02:58We're satisfied he's not a serious threat
03:01The police will take it from here
03:02No, sorry, this just doesn't make any sense
03:06You didn't see this guy, he was a real slick operator
03:10He's planning something
03:12We're satisfied he's not a serious threat
03:15Oh my God
03:18He set this up as a double bluff
03:20He knew this would get back to you
03:22That was probably a fake ID
03:23He's trying to make it seem like he's not serious
03:26But I'm telling you, he is
03:28What could it be, Dominique, that you're not?
03:30I mean, come on
03:32This is the oldest play in the book and you fell for it
03:36This is the same kind of shit cold call has tried on my 86-year-old mother
03:40And even she knew something fishy was going on
03:43Keeping this country safe
03:45Requires the brightest minds, Dominique
03:48We might have the odd job for those who fall short of that
03:52In the archives, for example
03:53But for you
03:54You may find other work more suitable
03:57We're done here
04:01Mum?
04:02No, no, do we have to do that?
04:03Can I get a nausea band?
04:05Or at least crack open a window?
04:06No!
04:15I guess...
04:20All's well that ends well
04:22I'm sorry
04:26Excuse me?
04:28As in we're not in serious trouble?
04:31You just cost me my job
04:34Oh
04:35I cost you your job?
04:38Yeah
04:38By stabbing me in the back
04:40Excuse me
04:41You were the one who put the file in my bag
04:45And even then, I stood by you
04:47I helped you
04:49Until
04:49You stabbed me in the back
04:52Why did you do it, Kay?
04:55Steve would have walked through that door any minute
04:57Yeah, well, the police will take care of him now
04:59They're never going to find him
05:01He's not going to go back to that flat now, is he?
05:04Not after you invited half of MI5 round for breakfast
05:07Well, what does it matter now, anyway?
05:08What?
05:09Fisher says he's not even a serious threat
05:10He is a serious threat
05:12Oh, and the MI5 are wrong about that, are they?
05:14Yes!
05:15And your evidence for that is?
05:18My instincts
05:19Oh, your instincts!
05:21Your instincts that led you to give the final word in the first place
05:24Dom!
05:25Listen to yourself
05:26This is what this whole thing has been about
05:28Your ego
05:29You just can't accept when you're wrong
05:32Look, I'm sorry you messed up
05:39But you did
05:42Look, everyone has an off day
05:45He played on your vulnerabilities
05:49You wanted a better job
05:50But I saw him
05:52He's a good looking guy
05:55You know what, Kay?
05:56Fuck you!
05:57Yeah, well
05:58Forget you, Dom!
06:02We're just gonna walk all the way back to London
06:03The app says that the bus is gonna be here in
06:07An hour and 43 minutes
06:10And this man, honestly
06:16I don't know how he managed to organise all of this
06:20And he can't even organise his own sock drawer
06:23No, but seriously, I am so overwhelmed
06:28I...
06:30Morris
06:31You're not just my best friend
06:34I'm gonna get bullshit
06:37You're my soul mate
06:40Thank you, darling
06:42And thank you if...
06:44Fuck!
06:44Oh, fuck!
06:45Bollocks
06:45So broke
06:48Oh, sorry
06:50Hello
06:51I'll pay for that
06:56Sorry
06:58Oh, hello, Aunty Maureen
07:01You look nice
07:02You've, um...
07:04Done something with your...
07:05You had time
07:06To Julie!
07:10To Julie!
07:12To Julie!
07:12To Julie!
07:12To Julie!
07:13Where have you been?
07:16Dad's been introducing me to everyone
07:18What happened to you?
07:20Don't want to talk about it
07:21Oh, Dom!
07:24Yeah
07:25Oh, thank you for coming
07:26I live here
07:27Oh, and you brought me a, um...
07:29Yeah, they're a little bit flattered
07:31But, you know, it's a thought that counts
07:32Yeah
07:33I also, uh, got you a scented candle
07:36Oh, darling
07:37Thank you
07:38It's so sweet
07:40My word
07:42What a way you come to a party
07:43You never hear the dress code
07:45I didn't know there was a dress code, Aunty Maureen
07:48It was on a family group chat
07:50I'm not even on a family group chat
07:51Well, that's your problem
07:52How come you're on a family group chat?
07:53Because I'd like to...
07:53And why are you so tardy?
07:57I got...
07:57A little tied up
07:59No, it's fine
08:00I mean, Dom gets held up at work sometimes
08:03My baby works for the Food Standards Agency now
08:07Thank you
08:07Government job
08:08People's lives are in her hands
08:11And it's office-based
08:15Coo-yah!
08:16Dom finally hold down a job
08:19And a man
08:20And people say God isn't real
08:23And we are so proud of her
08:29Dad, I don't work there anymore
08:33I knew it
08:35That child can't cook
08:36Her mother was a beautiful cook
08:40This one
08:41We only let her bring ice
08:42Even cousin Darren's allowed to choose the Crips
08:45And he used to be on crack
08:47Evening
08:50Oh, hi Darren
08:52And how are you?
08:55Fantastic
08:55Regional top salesman
08:57Three months in a row
08:58Even Darren's turned his life our own
09:01What do you mean you don't work anymore?
09:03Do you mean you've changed department?
09:04No, I mean I was fired
09:06Okay, Dad?
09:06I was fired
09:07I was let go of
09:08I am jobless
09:09So
09:10The job isn't real
09:12The boyfriend fake too?
09:15Probably
09:16He's a global 10
09:17Dom's what?
09:19A hackney five?
09:21Yo
09:22Does this look fake?
09:29Can you excuse us?
09:32We're going to the buffet
09:32Uncle Morris
09:38Did you know
09:40Triple glazing
09:41Can save you
09:41Hundreds a year
09:42On energy bills
09:43Go
09:44Shout out
09:45I've got you
09:47You know
09:52I don't need your pity
09:56Right
09:57No
09:57Look, your family would just be in a little bit
09:59Listen, man
10:01If circumstances were different
10:03Man definitely would
10:04You know what I mean?
10:06Well, that's nasty
10:07And man definitely would be denied
10:09But thank you
10:11You know
10:14I can't get your record right now, right?
10:16Yeah, I clocked that
10:17I'm tapped
10:18You know
10:20Whatever I did
10:21Bright Marsh
10:23All of that shit
10:24Did it all for Jayden
10:26Tried to give her the starting life
10:28That I didn't have
10:29Every penny I earned
10:31Put into an account
10:32In her name
10:33Every penny you earned?
10:36Um
10:36What about the G-Wagon?
10:38I can't be trapping
10:38In the Ford Focus
10:39Oh, well
10:40So what are you going to do now?
10:42Dunno
10:42Maybe I'll hand myself in
10:44Well, I mean
10:45At least your daughter
10:46Would know where you were
10:47You know?
10:48Because you'd be in prison
10:49Yes
10:49Yes, I understood that
10:51Whatever way this goes
10:53I know I'll never be able
10:54To see her again
10:55Her mum will make sure
10:56Of that
10:57Look, you could
10:58Stay a bit longer
11:01If you wanted to
11:01Until
11:02Man's is less tapped
11:05I really don't want to go back
11:10And hang out with
11:11Marty Maury
11:11Oh, no, definitely
11:12I'm staying here
11:13Until she goes home
11:14To watch Casualty
11:14Callaloo
11:16Callaloo
11:18Well, it's just over a week
11:28To the Notting Hill Carnival
11:29Sequins are being stitched
11:30Feathers plopped
11:31Chicken jerked
11:32And we call
11:33Dominique
11:33Pupils of St Christopher's
11:35In Streatham
11:35Who this year
11:36Are planning a float
11:37With a difference
11:38Dom
11:40Get up
11:40See me
11:42Midday
11:42Oh, God
11:44What?
11:45Fuck
11:45Why do you hate me?
11:48I'm your daughter
11:49That's one hot chocolate
11:53And one hot chocolate
11:53With oat milk
11:54There you go
11:55Partner
11:56Thank you, sir
11:57What we did in this shift
11:59Yes
12:00Well, it's not very exciting
12:02But we're going to supervise
12:03Some young people
12:04Doing graffiti on a wall
12:05Where they've got express permission
12:06That sounds lovely
12:09It does, doesn't it?
12:10Also, I've baked you
12:11Some sugar-free macaroons
12:12That we can all share
12:13Oh, brilliant
12:14That'll bring everyone together
12:15How about this?
12:18Online picker
12:19From a major supermarket
12:20It's a 10 pound
12:22Night time premium
12:23No
12:24Oh, do we need to talk again
12:26About the PGCE?
12:28Got to apply for something, Dom
12:30Worst thing you'd have in life
12:31Is the gap in your CV
12:33Oh, man, I love a briefing
12:45Kay!
12:49Sorry, can I just...
12:50Yes?
12:51You're out
12:51I didn't know you were doing a shift today
12:53Yeah, I love carnival
12:54Volunteer for it every year
12:55Me too
12:56No
12:56Yeah, I mean, tomorrow
12:58I'm actually playing on the film
12:59Stop
13:00Yeah, yeah, I'm in a steel band
13:01Oh, my gosh
13:02I know
13:02No, it's not a big deal
13:03That's amazing
13:05Can I get your attention, please?
13:08Olé
13:09Olé
13:10Olé
13:11Olé
13:12How are we feeling?
13:14Yeah
13:14Today is the first day of carnival
13:17There is only one acceptable answer to that question
13:19That is hot, hot, hot
13:20So, I'll ask again
13:22How are we feeling?
13:23Hot, hot, hot
13:25That's more like it
13:26First of all, a big thank you for volunteering
13:31The shift is a lot of fun
13:33We have a laugh
13:34But, make no mistake
13:37This is the most challenging crowd control exercise
13:43This side of the Hajj
13:45Now, there will be two million revelers
13:51Descending on these streets this weekend
13:53So this needs to work like clockwork
13:55Military grade clockwork
13:58I'm talking the kind of clock you would find
14:00Presumably
14:01On the dashboard
14:03Of a tank
14:04Now
14:06Under your seats
14:07You'll find a number of items
14:08Don't look now
14:09I didn't say look now
14:10Eyes on me, please
14:11It's chaos
14:12In here
14:13First of all
14:15You will find
14:16A high-vis vest
14:19Put it on
14:20Not tied around your waist
14:22Not slung over your shoulder
14:24But on
14:25Second layer
14:26Quickly, Mel
14:27A goodie bag
14:28A few little treats in there for you
14:31A bottle of smart water
14:32Some block
14:33And
14:34My personal favourite
14:36Good old jar
14:37Reggae, reggae sauce
14:39Goes with anything
14:41Just a little thank you
14:43For your efforts
14:43From the local
14:44Residents Association
14:46Last but most certainly not least
14:53You will find
14:53Mel
14:54One of these
14:55A radio
14:56Channel one
14:58Open at all times
15:00As far as you're concerned
15:01This
15:02Is the voice of God
15:03Yes
15:05What?
15:07We already have radios
15:08There's always one in there, Mel
15:10Yeah
15:11We know
15:11You already have radios
15:13But everyone on crowd control
15:15Is on one of these
15:16Top brass want to keep the police channels open
15:18In case of an emergency
15:19Yes, Kay, what?
15:21No, it's just
15:22We didn't do this last year
15:24It's called progress, mate
15:25We're not allowed to punch people in the kidneys anymore either, are we?
15:29Rightly or wrong, there
15:29It's right, there
15:33It's a joke
15:35Get with him, Mel
15:38Now, just because you're going to be working today
15:42Don't mean you have to stand still
15:44The press love it
15:45When those guys dance
15:46With the revelers
15:47So, it's fallen on me
15:49To show you
15:51The correct way
15:52To whine
15:53Yeah
15:54You know what I'm talking about
15:56Come on, carnivalistas
15:57On your feet
15:57Let's get whining
15:58Move those hips
16:00Use your core
16:01Use your core
16:02Watch your back
16:02You'll do yourself a mischief
16:03Bring it right down
16:05Right down to the floor
16:06How low can you go?
16:08Right down
16:08Look at that
16:09Look at the key
16:10Where you going, mate?
16:10I need you
16:11I need you
16:12Come on
16:13Get them bumpers
16:14Nice and low
16:15Mmm
16:15Happy morning, guys
16:37Stay hydrated
16:38Oh, that's water
16:39It's day one of carnival
16:44You can see the streets there
16:46Beginning to fill up nicely
16:48Over the next few days
16:49Putting on a mixed wash
16:51If you've got anything
16:51You know you can drop
16:53The whole perfect house guest bit now, right?
16:55I know
16:56So just do what I do
16:57Put it in a basket
16:58And leave it until Julie cracks
16:59And does it as well
17:00I'm packing up
17:01I'm leaving tomorrow
17:03Where are you going to go?
17:08Going to head for Felix Stowe
17:09Get myself in between the containers
17:11See if I can get myself on a ship
17:14Whoa
17:16That sounds insane
17:21That's like
17:22Yeah
17:23Like a black stowaway
17:25You have not fought this through, bro
17:26There's a favour I need before I go
17:32I need you to take these somewhere for me
17:37Istanbul Social Club on Green Lanes
17:40Ask for Erkan
17:42Give these to him
17:43And they'll give you an envelope
17:45What in the nerdyverse
17:48Comic-Con loser virgin incel nonsense is this?
17:52Some getaway fun
17:53Some old toys?
17:55You feds really don't know Nish, do you?
17:58Now what?
17:59This shit's worth bare peas
18:0080s, 90s, collectibles, box, mint condition
18:03This is the real road man's economy now
18:06It's where all the real G's are putting their cash
18:08No one's looking into this like crypto
18:09If you're from East, you're into N64 games
18:13Or them Westerns into Beanie Babies
18:15They're Pogs
18:18These were massive in the 90s
18:20What about Pogs?
18:23That's the gold standard, boy
18:25What if someone had a sports bag
18:27Full of packaged, mint condition Pogs?
18:30That's one hell of a getaway fun
18:32Oh my god
18:34So he tells me he smokes for religious reasons
18:39And I said, mate
18:40You're a 17-year-old ginger lad from Epsom
18:43Oh, trying to fool me
18:45I know, I know
18:47Yaz, do you mind if you take a quick detour on the way home?
18:50Er, yeah
18:51What were you thinking?
18:58What is this place?
19:00Wait here
19:00I've just got to go and speak to someone
19:02Who?
19:04Just someone
19:05And there
19:08Whatever you do
19:10Don't come in after me
19:12Saw's be playing
19:16Afternoon
19:28Don't you think you've been here on a Sunday?
19:30You're lucky
19:30If you'd been here half an hour earlier
19:32I'd still have been pillaging
19:33I should warn you, though
19:35I can't give you any kit
19:36Because it's a Sunday
19:38Because you've been fired
19:43How do you know about that?
19:46Well, for one, you gave the old password
19:48And for another
19:48You just admitted it
19:51Yes, very good
19:52You should work for M.I.5
19:55Look, I just wanted to ask you an opinion about something
19:58You know, I could probably lose my job
19:59Just for continuing this conversation
20:01So don't tell anyone
20:04What is it?
20:08Oof
20:08Er, that's a blast from the past
20:11Er
20:12Tower goto 639
20:15Used by police up until
20:18Ooh
20:182004
20:20Cheap
20:21Decent battery life
20:23But security-wise
20:24Not much better than Fisher-Price
20:26Well, how do you mean?
20:28Oh
20:29Notoriously easy to scramble
20:31Only one with a decent transmitter
20:33And a GCSE in physics
20:34Can block the signal on one of these things
20:36And render them useless
20:38Thank you
20:42Thank you
20:43A lot of money
20:46Hi
20:51Hi
20:58Yeah, hello
21:04Ew
21:05Um, who is this?
21:08Yaz
21:08Well, it's Yasmin actually
21:10But everyone just calls me Yaz
21:11Right
21:12And you are?
21:15Oh, sorry
21:16Yeah, um
21:16I'm Kay's partner
21:18Kay's park
21:21Okay, is he there?
21:23He's actually kind of busy right now
21:24He can't come to the phone
21:25Motherf
21:27Did you want to leave a message?
21:30No
21:30I don't
21:31Because
21:31You know, this was a pocket dial
21:33If it's a pocket dial
21:35Then how are we talking?
21:37Because
21:37I'm wearing a Bluetooth headset
21:39Alright
21:40I need to make a call
21:48I need to make a call
21:49Oh, yes
21:50Oh, wait
21:51Before I make this call
21:52There's something I need to tell you guys
21:54What is it?
21:56Until quite recently
21:57I used to work for the security services
22:00MI5
22:01Like James Bond?
22:03Yes
22:03Only
22:04Christian
22:05Monogamous
22:06With a license to praise
22:08I need you to keep
22:09Whatever you hear now
22:10Absolutely secret
22:12For your safety
22:13And the country's
22:14Do you understand?
22:14Yes
22:15Yes, do you understand?
22:16Yes
22:17Yes
22:17Yes
22:18Hey
22:20I'll answer this
22:22What?
22:22I'll answer it and say
22:23I'm busy
22:24And I can't come to the phone right now
22:25Why?
22:26Who is it?
22:26Just do it
22:27Quick
22:27Wait, wait, wait
22:28Just do an accent
22:29What?
22:30Just like, like, give it some Spanish
22:31No, no, no, no
22:32It's Italian
22:33Ciao
22:37Uh, hi, is Dom there?
22:40Dom can't come to the phone right now
22:42It's Italian
22:42Oh, um, okay, well
22:44Can you pass on a message?
22:47Arrivederci
22:48Tutti frutti
22:51Allora
22:52So you know what I told you before
22:57That MI5 stuff
22:59Just forget I said that
23:01Huh?
23:02Just forget I said that
23:03It was just, uh, you know, me
23:04MI5
23:05What a joke
23:07Dom?
23:14Dom?
23:15It's me
23:16We really need to talk
23:17Maurice
23:19Come look at this
23:20There's another one
23:23Honestly
23:24It's true what they say
23:25You wait for one bus to come along
23:27You gonna answer that?
23:33No
23:34And don't you answer it either
23:36You're making a call of yourself
23:44What do you want?
23:47You called me
23:48No, I didn't
23:49Well, Yaz says you did
23:50Well, I told Yaz it was a pocket dial
23:52So you did call
23:54Shit
23:56Well, why did you call me?
24:01Well, maybe I just called you back
24:03Okay, well, you've done that
24:04Bye
24:04Well, maybe I have something to tell you
24:06What?
24:08Well, you won't know if you don't answer my calls
24:11Did you call to apologise for being a big fat Judas?
24:14No
24:14Well, then I'm not interested
24:16Oh, I think you will be interested
24:17Oh, I think I'm not interested
24:18Bye
24:18Get off my drive
24:20Because I was calling to tell you
24:25You were right about Steve
24:27Yes, I was right about Steve
24:35Obviously
24:36So Dave said these radios are notoriously easy to scramble
24:43Haven't been in service for years
24:45And there was a guy at the briefing
24:47Now, I can't be sure
24:49But I think he was the guy that we saw meeting Steve
24:51What was he doing at the briefing?
24:53They said he was from a local residence association
24:55Yeah, bullshit
24:56He's another one of Steve's day players
24:58Okay
24:59So Steve wants to scramble the radios
25:01Probably to stop the police from responding to a terror attack
25:04What do we do?
25:04We need to get this information to Fisher
25:06Wait, fast
25:07How?
25:07We lost our jobs
25:08You've called MI5
25:10Your national security service
25:11For careers, press 1
25:13To report a security concern
25:14Press 2, press 2
25:15You may find it quicker and easier to report your concern on our website
25:19Oh, God, come on
25:20Hello, you're through to MI5
25:21All calls may be recorded
25:22Hi, yes
25:24I need to speak to Joanna Fisher
25:25Deputy Director of Intelligence
25:27This is urgent
25:28We think that something's going to happen at Not In Hill Carnival tomorrow
25:30Right, well, we can't put people through to specific members of that
25:33No, no, no
25:33You don't understand
25:34I'm an agent
25:35I'm a former agent
25:38Do you have an active agent number?
25:40No, but
25:41Then I have to put this down as a public tip-off
25:43Okay, listen
25:44I just think
25:44We've had quite a few of those about Carnival
25:46It's the full moon, I swear
25:47It brings them all out
25:48Yeah, fine
25:49Okay, thanks
25:49Bye
25:52I'll be in the office tomorrow morning
25:53It's Bank Holiday Monday
25:54Time and a half
25:55Time and a half
25:55I will go there in person
25:57And make them listen
25:58So what am I going to do?
25:59I was supposed to be on the float tomorrow
26:01I did the count-ins
26:02Cordell does them too fast
26:04It falls apart before we get to the chorus of Red Red Wine
26:06Okay, just
26:07Just go
26:08I will pass on what we know to Fisher
26:11And she'll take care of the rest
26:12I mean, it's like you said
26:13It's MI5, right?
26:14This is just another day in the office for them
26:16Whatever Steve's planning
26:17They will stop it
26:18Stop right there
26:34Okay, Mo, I have vital information that I need to pass on to Fisher
26:37It's urgent
26:38What is it?
26:39I'll pass it on
26:40Yeah, no offence, mate
26:41But you're not cleared for this
26:42Says a lady who handed over state secrets
26:44How did you know about that?
26:46Brenda told me
26:47Goddammit, Brenda
26:49Okay, Mo, this is a matter of national security
26:53Alright?
26:54Please
26:55Dominique Archibald wants to speak to Fisher
27:03Says the surgeon
27:04Repeats
27:07You've got first or second
27:11This better be good
27:12This is big
27:13Potentially really big, right?
27:15So we discovered that the ring
27:16Well?
27:25What is it?
27:55Huh?
27:57You're such a good
27:58You've got second
27:59One
28:01One
28:01One
28:03Two
28:04Two
28:04Two
28:04One
28:05Two
28:06One
28:06Two
28:07Two
28:07One
28:07Two
28:08Two
28:08One
28:08Two
28:08Two
28:09Two
28:10Two
28:10Three
28:11Two
28:12Four
28:12One
28:12Two
28:14Two
28:16Two
28:20One
28:21Two
28:21Three
28:22Three
28:23Three
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