- 4 days ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00oohh
00:09oohh
00:12oohh
00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:28Hello and welcome to Modern Life Is Goodish,
00:32where tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to do something a little different.
00:35We are going to have a special guest.
00:38Ooh!
00:39Correct noise.
00:40Now, I want to make sure that I give our special guest
00:43the very best introduction I can,
00:45so I've been studying the various intros available in the showbiz world
00:49and I think I've decided that the best introduction
00:51is what we in the business call the It Can Only Be intro.
00:56For the uninitiated, that's where the introducer lays down
00:59two or three facts about the introducee
01:01that the audience could triangulate and work out who it could be,
01:04but before your brain has had the chance to come up with the answer,
01:06the introducer is already saying,
01:08Ladies and gentlemen, it can only be...
01:11..and you lot are looking at me as if I've lost my mind.
01:14I'll show you what I mean.
01:16For me, the king, the maestro of the It Can Only Be intro
01:20has got to be Mr Brian Conley, yeah?
01:23In the days before he turned into a silver fox,
01:26but while he still had that problem where both his hands
01:28share the same magnetic polarity,
01:30he presented a TV show called The TV That Made Me.
01:34There he is, on the set.
01:36And here he is, ladies and gentlemen, in action.
01:38Welcome to The TV That Made Me.
01:40Yeah, you can see they solved the problem by gluing his hands to the sofa.
01:44LAUGHTER
01:45Let's watch the It Can Only Be master at work.
01:49My guest today has been the king of the jungle.
01:51Yeah, he's been a king of the jungle.
01:53The star of the square.
01:54Star of the square.
01:55It can only be the one and only...
01:57Well, who can it one and only be, ladies and gentlemen?
02:00Let's work this out for ourselves.
02:02He's given us two bits of information here.
02:03Number one, they are the king of the jungle,
02:06and number two, the star of the square.
02:09What could these phrases mean?
02:11Let's think about the king of the jungle.
02:13It could be, could be,
02:15that he's about to introduce a lion, couldn't he, couldn't he?
02:19Or...
02:20Or he could be about to introduce Tarzan, yeah?
02:24That would also work, wouldn't it?
02:25Or, and I think we know this is the truth, we're British,
02:28we know that when someone in British light-ent says king of the jungle,
02:32what they really mean is someone who has won
02:35I'm a celebrity, get me out of here.
02:37What about star of the square?
02:39It could be, that he's about to introduce one of the actors
02:43from the obscure 2008 Australian movie, The Square.
02:46LAUGHTER
02:48Or maybe someone from the 2017 Swedish film, The Square.
02:53LAUGHTER
02:54Or, one of the many members of the Lewisham-based grime outfit,
02:58The Square, yeah?
03:00We've all got our favourites, haven't we?
03:01We've all, all got...
03:02Mine's MCD Gilles.
03:04But, again, we know it's not going to be those things.
03:07This is daytime telly and it's Brian Conley doing the talking,
03:10so we know it must mean someone who has been in EastEnders.
03:14Now, how do we solve this riddle?
03:17Easy, with a Venn diagram.
03:18That's how we solve this riddle.
03:19LAUGHTER
03:20What are we looking for here, later?
03:21We are looking for someone who fulfils the following criteria.
03:25They have one, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here,
03:27and they have been in EastEnders.
03:30Now, it turns out there are actually two people who live
03:32in the intersection of this particular Venn diagram.
03:34You've got Charlie Brooks, but you've also got Joe Swash.
03:37But Brian said King of the Jungle, not Queen of the Jungle,
03:40so it must be Joe Swash.
03:41Ladies and gentlemen, let's see if we've worked it out correctly.
03:44Go on, Bri, take it away.
03:45It can only be the one and only Joe Swash!
03:47Oh, exactly.
03:50That is how you nail an It Can Only Be intro.
03:53If you do it right, it literally can only be one person,
03:57so you should always be able to work it out.
04:00With that in mind...
04:01LAUGHTER
04:03..let's have a look at another one.
04:06Welcome to the TV The Maybe.
04:07My guest today is a friend to the stars,
04:09and one in her own right.
04:12It can only be the lovely...
04:14LAUGHTER
04:17I'm not sure that one's working, is it?
04:19Let's plug this into the Venn diagram.
04:21We have got friend to the stars...
04:24LAUGHTER
04:25..and a star in her own right.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:29So what you've got to do now...
04:30LAUGHTER
04:32..is remove all of the stars...
04:34LAUGHTER
04:35..who hate all the other stars.
04:37We should be left with just one star.
04:40The only star who is a friend to other stars
04:43and who presumably doesn't realise
04:45that none of the other stars like her.
04:47LAUGHTER
04:49I think we're all now thinking of the right person, aren't we?
04:51Let's just satisfy our own curiosity.
04:54APPLAUSE
04:54It can only be the lovely Alison Hammond!
04:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:59And look at that face, even...
05:01She's as surprised as you are!
05:03LAUGHTER
05:04She stood backstage thinking, I thought, I was on this show,
05:06he's introducing someone, bloody hell, it's me, I'm off!
05:08LAUGHTER
05:09I'll show you my favourite ever, Brian Connolly,
05:12it can only be intro.
05:13This is absolutely peachy.
05:15I guess today is one of Britain's most cherished actors,
05:18it can only be...
05:19LAUGHTER
05:20..you can't do that!
05:22You can't start by saying, is one of...
05:25LAUGHTER
05:27..and then immediately tell us it can only be.
05:30You've just told us it's one of multiple people in a category,
05:33you idiot!
05:34That's not how it works, is it?
05:36Well...
05:37..I suppose technically you could, but it wouldn't feel right.
05:41I mean, I'm not saying anyone should ever do this,
05:43I think it's in very poor taste.
05:44I'm only pointing out that there are times
05:46when it would be technically accurate.
05:49If you were to say, my guest today is one of the Bee Gees.
05:53Ladies and gentlemen...
05:54LAUGHTER
05:55..it can only be, that would...
05:56..that would technically...
05:57They're just saying it would technically...
05:59..I'm just saying technically,
06:01well, I told you that's funnier than the Chuckle Brothers.
06:03LAUGHTER
06:05No, no, no, no, no!
06:07Don't you dare go...
06:08LAUGHTER
06:10If you laughed at two Bee Gees,
06:12you can't suddenly go...
06:13..over one chuckle.
06:14LAUGHTER
06:15You're the one with the moral compass that's out of whack.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:21Anyway, the only way I can make sense of this
06:24is if it means the most obvious of Britain's cherished actors,
06:27so I think it must be Britain's most cherished actor.
06:32Right now, you're all rolling through your little mental
06:34rolodex of Britain's most cherished actors.
06:36Is it Sir Ian McKellen, Dane Judi Dench,
06:39Maggie Smith, Derek Jacoby?
06:41Lower your sights just a little bit.
06:42LAUGHTER
06:44I guarantee that not one of you is thinking of the right answer.
06:47When I tell you the right answer,
06:48not only will you obviously know that you weren't thinking
06:51of the right answer, you will also know in your gut
06:54that nobody was thinking of the right answer.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:58You just will.
06:59Here we go.
07:00It can only be the legend that is Anita Dobson.
07:05LAUGHTER
07:07Look, I think Anita Dobson is a wonderful actor, I truly do,
07:12but I don't think anyone thinks she's Britain's most cherished actor,
07:15do they?
07:16I mean, maybe Brian May, but maybe not, I don't know.
07:20I don't think even Brian Conley thinks she's Britain's most cherished actor.
07:24In fact, I know he doesn't, because I asked him.
07:27LAUGHTER
07:29I sent him a cheeky little tweet.
07:31At real Brian Conley.
07:33Just a quick question.
07:34Who would you say is Britain's most cherished actor?
07:37No edge, no agenda, Bri, just curious.
07:39Just the sort of thing I like to know from people.
07:41I got a reply, got to be Markle Cain for me.
07:44LAUGHTER
07:46I love it when someone who tweets exactly the way you think they talk,
07:49he's the governor.
07:50LAUGHTER
07:52Anyway, the important thing is that we all now understand
07:55how the It Can Only Be intro works.
07:57So let's put it into practice and introduce my special guest this evening.
08:01Ladies and gentlemen, my guest today has been a star of The Square
08:04and is one of Britain's most cherished actors.
08:07He is a one-man walking variety show.
08:09He can do it all, ladies and gentlemen.
08:10He can sing, he can dance, he can present.
08:12Indeed, his presenting gigs have included the Royal Variety performance
08:16and the TV that made me.
08:19Ladies and gentlemen, please, put your hands together, because he can't.
08:23LAUGHTER
08:25It can only be the legend that is Mr Brian Conley, ladies and gentlemen.
08:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:36Brian, very nicey to be here.
08:40Lovely to be here, Dave. Lovely.
08:43If I'm honest, I did think this was going to be the Russell Howard show,
08:46but...
08:48So, er...
08:50What do you want me to do?
08:51I want you to do what you do best, which is, like, an introduction.
08:57All right, then.
08:58You just introduced the second part of the show, is that all right?
09:00Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:01OK.
09:02He'll see you after the break.
09:03Cheers.
09:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:16Welcome back to Modern Life is Goodish with me, Bron Connolly.
09:19Yes, I have done eight Royal Variety performances, and now I am here.
09:28Anyway, I want to introduce to you now.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:34The star, please.
09:37I want to introduce the star of tonight's show.
09:40He can't sing.
09:41He can't dance.
09:43He can't tell jokes.
09:44He just stands in front of the screen like a weatherman who's lost his mat.
09:51It could only be...
09:53Dave Gorman!
09:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:56Brian Connolly!
09:57Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Brian Connolly!
10:10Do you know what, ladies and gentlemen?
10:11There is something that I need to get off my chest.
10:16In recent times,
10:19I've developed a bit of a bad habit with the old H.
10:25I've just realised what that sounds like.
10:28I'm not admitting to a heroin addiction here, ladies and gentlemen.
10:31In fact, can we get rid of this sofa?
10:32It's not really helping.
10:33It would be really weird to get Brian Connolly to introduce the bit
10:36where I do the heroin confession, wouldn't it?
10:39I haven't got a heroin problem.
10:40Honestly, I hardly ever touch the stuff.
10:43The bad habit I've developed is with the actual letter H.
10:48I have started mispronouncing the letter H.
10:52I just did it again.
10:53The correct pronunciation, as I'm sure you all know, is H.
10:57It's got a punchy A at the beginning.
10:59It's not H.
11:01I've become a H person, ladies and gentlemen.
11:03I can feel you looking at me thinking, come on, Dave.
11:06How often are you called upon to say the letter H out loud?
11:09Let me tell you, in my role as fan club president for the band Steps,
11:13it happens.
11:14LAUGHTER
11:16But it does happen, doesn't it?
11:17It can happen to anyone.
11:18I was having a little romantic stroll with Mrs Gorman the other day.
11:20A young lady came up to us and said,
11:22Excuse me, do you know if there's a cash point nearby?
11:24I said, Absolutely.
11:25You drink left here and immediately right, you'll go down that little ginnel,
11:28you will emerge directly in front of the HSBC.
11:31And as I said that, Mrs Gorman let go of my hand and took one step backwards as if embarrassed to be seen with me.
11:42And when the woman had scurried off to get her money out of the hole in the wall,
11:45Mrs Gorman turned to me and said, What the hell's happened to you?
11:48When did you become a H person?
11:50You were always an H person.
11:52I met an H person.
11:53I married an H person.
11:54I'm not sure I'm happy about this H person who's turned up unannounced.
11:57And I tried explaining to her how it happened and in many ways it was her fault.
12:01But let's not dwell.
12:02It was really because of Covid.
12:05And I know that makes it sound like I think it's a symptom.
12:08What I mean is it was because of the lockdowns.
12:11Here's the thing. During lockdown, Mrs Gorman's work could carry on a little bit.
12:15And so she carried on working a little bit.
12:17Mine was completely wiped out for the best part of two years,
12:22which meant that in the Gorman household, I carried the main burden of the homeschooling.
12:27I bloody loved homeschooling.
12:30It was brilliant.
12:31The gore boy was only five.
12:32I knew all the answers.
12:36I think you've got to find ways of making homeschooling fun.
12:39And that's what I did.
12:40We were in reception with a five-year-old.
12:42So we were doing phonics.
12:44When you're doing phonics, you don't say A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
12:47And you say A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H.
12:49Which means I spent months intensively hucking for my boy.
12:53H at his hat.
12:55H is his.
12:56H at a hat.
12:57It's his.
12:58H at a hat.
12:59It's his.
13:00H at a hat.
13:01All those months of hucking for my boy have left a residual h at the beginning of my H and I can't leading shift it.
13:11And incidentally, I do know that some of the people watching this show will also be H people.
13:16And I don't want you to feel picked on or judged.
13:18If you're a H person, you don't have to sit there thinking,
13:20Oh, no, Dave hates me for being a H person.
13:22I don't hate you for being a H person whatsoever.
13:24Each to their own.
13:25You do you.
13:26Absolutely fine.
13:27I do not hate you for it.
13:28I just hate me for it because it's wrong.
13:30It is wrong.
13:32It is wrong.
13:33They're not both right.
13:34It isn't a matter of opinion.
13:35If you look it up in the dictionary, you can see for yourself, ladies and gentlemen,
13:39H is the eighth letter in the modern English alphabet.
13:42And the dictionary tells us that it is sometimes spelt out H.
13:46And while I'm here, isn't it blooming weird that letters can be spelled out as words using letters?
13:53Surely letters ought to be the smallest unit of lexicography, shouldn't they?
13:59I mean, I can see in the case of H, it makes some sense, doesn't it?
14:02That's teaching us the correct pronunciation for the letter H.
14:06But what are we doing wasting paper and ink in dictionaries having words such as R,
14:13which is the letter R, and C, which does not have a C in it, and is the letter C?
14:21This way lies madness, doesn't it?
14:23If somebody said to you tonight, how do you spell H?
14:26I'm pretty sure everyone in this room could very confidently tell them that it is A-I-T-C-H.
14:31But then that person could go, right, and how are you spelling that?
14:35And you'd have to go, well, S-A-I-T-E-E-S-E-E-A-I-T-C-H.
14:43Can I have a quick spell check on that?
14:48Absolutely.
14:49And you can see how this could rapidly spiral into madness from here to here
14:56and on to here and even beyond, ladies and gentlemen.
14:59Nobody needs to be spelling that out, do they?
15:01Nobody.
15:02Nobody.
15:03It's A-I-T-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-S-E-E-A-I-T-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-S-E-E-A-I-T-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-S-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E
15:33The alphabet is not in alphabetical order.
15:39What's H doing over there?
15:41Surely it should be over there, shouldn't it?
15:43And R, that begins with an A as well.
15:45That should be up there, shouldn't it?
15:47Now, B, you'll be glad to know, is not moving anywhere
15:49because that is BEE, that is exactly where it needs to be.
15:52That is A-OK, but what about C, ladies in heaven?
15:55C doesn't even have a C in it, does it?
15:58It begins with an S, so it needs to be down there
16:01between the S and the T.
16:02Now, I've left that little space up there, ladies and gentlemen,
16:04because there is another letter that begins with C,
16:06and that is, of course, Q.
16:08So, let's throw that one up there like so, ladies and gentlemen.
16:12Now, D isn't moving.
16:14D is exactly where it needs to be.
16:15That is DEE, so that's dandy, isn't it?
16:17But there is another letter that begins with a D,
16:19and I know some of you are trying to work out what it is.
16:20Some of you have got there. That's right, ladies and gentlemen.
16:22And, of course, W.
16:24So, let's throw that one up there like so.
16:26Now, E doesn't have any alternative spelling.
16:30It is only ever the single letter E.
16:32But the phoneme that the E makes, the E sound,
16:35you can hear that at the beginning of many of the letters
16:38in our alphabet, can't you?
16:39You can hear it in your F and your L and your M and your N and your S
16:44and your X, all of which are, unsurprisingly,
16:46spelled with an E at the front of them.
16:49So, let's throw all of those up there and tidy it up a bit like so.
16:52So, we have basically now done the job at this point.
16:54There's always a few suspicious souls out there thinking maybe G is spelt with a J,
16:58but it's not. Maybe U is spelt with a Y, but it's not.
17:00Maybe Y is spelt with a W, but it's not, ladies and gentlemen.
17:03They are all now in the right place.
17:05And I can see the looks on your faces tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
17:08You're thinking, bloody hell, Dave?
17:10How the hell are we supposed to remember the correct alphabetical order?
17:14And that's simple, isn't it?
17:17You just need a handy little mnemonic to guide you, yeah?
17:20I'll give you mine as a little free gift.
17:23All you've got to remember is, after heating Ready Bread quickly,
17:25don't worry, even fluids like milk needs some xanthan gum.
17:28It just keeps ordinary porridge consistently tasty, utterly viscous, yet zesty.
17:31That's a lie to it. Take that, run with it. Free gift from me.
17:34Free gift.
17:35Yours.
17:36APPLAUSE
17:37There is, of course, another way of remembering it, isn't there?
17:41And that is the song, yeah?
17:43I know you all know the song.
17:45You've just been singing the wrong blooming words most of your life,
17:48haven't you?
17:49Let's run through it once together,
17:51just to help cement this information in our brains.
17:53Join in as soon as you feel ready,
17:56which will, of course, be immediately,
17:58because the words are on the screen.
18:00LAUGHTER
18:01So, here we go.
18:03A-H-R-B-Q-D-W-E-F-L-M-N-S-X-G-I-E-J-K-O-P-C-T-U-E-V-Y-Z-E-Z...
18:20Now I know my
18:38That was a good effort folks
18:39I know it quite well at this stage and the quick bit in the middle the NSX GI still froze my brain aloof
18:45It's hard because you don't even remember learning the ABC song
18:49When something is that hard-wired it's very hard for your brain to do it any other way think about what that means
18:55Once upon a time you didn't know the ABC song and learning it was relatively easy
19:02Today if you had virgin brains untouched by knowledge of the ABC song then today
19:08Learning the AHR song would also be incredibly easy wouldn't it?
19:13And that's what I mean when I say you've got to find ways of making homeschooling fun
19:19What I'm saying is
19:24What I'm saying is I've had quite a lot of emails from the school
19:29What I'm saying is behind every headline there's always a human story that needs to be told
19:34I'll see you after the break
19:36Welcome back to modern life is good ish ladies and gentlemen now
19:52I'd like to start this part of the show with a bit of advice
19:55I think it's good advice for anyone, but I'm really thinking of men of a certain age
19:59There's something I think you should get I've got one and it really has put a bit of a spring in my step and got the blood pumping
20:05What it is I really recommend getting one for yourselves is a nemesis
20:10I'm a little wary of explaining to you how I came to get my nemesis because I am aware that it involves going into a world that some of
20:24You will be a little bit resistant to it happened ladies and gentlemen in the world of the cryptic crossword
20:31And there it is I feel the pushback immediately
20:34Don't talk to me about crosswords Dave. It's a load of gobbledygook
20:37It's code and I don't understand that it's not for me
20:39And I know why some of you think that you've picked up a copy of the Guardian on your train home one day
20:44Haven't you you've seen the cryptic on the back page and you've seen a clue like that one for example
20:48Problem for Francesco the French eating eg nice old copper nut left
20:53That is an ugly old word salad right there is that is gibberish because you think all clues look like that
21:00You think these things aren't for you, but they don't actually look like that
21:04And if you think they do that is blind prejudice on your part. I had to use Photoshop to make a clue look like
21:12Real clues should sound like perfectly reasonable sentences that clue is actually problem for driver scrambling to reverse
21:20Which like all of the other clues in this excellent puzzle from the set of Brendan is a perfectly cogent sentence, isn't it?
21:26I think your confusion lies in the fact that you don't understand how a seemingly ordinary sentence
21:32Is supposed to guide you to put one word in a crossword grid, so I'm going to explain how they work
21:38I do this simply to give you the information you need in order to follow a story set in cryptic crossword land
21:45And I will do it against the clock ladies and gentlemen. I need someone I can trust on the front row. I'll give you the stopwatch
21:52Okay
21:53Go there are two parts to a standard cryptic crossword clue
21:56You will get a definition exactly the same as a non-cryptic clue
21:59But you'll also get some wordplay to help you they could be in that order, but they could also be in this order
22:04The important thing is that there will be a definition at one end or the other
22:07So let's have a look at a clue you've already seen problem for driver scrambling to reverse
22:11The definition could be problem or it could be reversed, but it doesn't have to be just one word
22:15It could also be a phrase and maybe the definition is scrambling to reverse or maybe it's problem for driver
22:19When you've worked out where the join is and in this case that is where it is
22:22You know that the rest of the clue is your wordplay
22:25Now you've effectively got two different clues that both lead to the same answer
22:29You can solve either of them and then use the other to corroborate it
22:32Now let's have a look at the wordplay here. What is the word scrambling doing?
22:35It's a literal instruction to you to scramble the letters t-o-r-e-v-e-r-s-e
22:40And when you scramble them you can make them into a new word for example
22:43Oversteer which I think we can all see is a nine-letter word and a pretty good definition for the phrase problem for driver stop
22:49How did I do? 57 so ladies and gentlemen in under a minute you now all understand the rudiments of cryptic crosswords
22:57Which means
23:00Which means you know enough to follow a story set in cryptic crossword land
23:06And here's the thing a few years ago quite by accident. I became a professional cryptic crossword setter
23:13I now set cryptic crosswords for the independent newspaper using the pseudonym bluth for the daily telegraph
23:18Using the pseudonym django and for the guardian using the pseudonym fed. I know that is a lot to take in but back off guardian
23:25We don't need to know
23:28What I didn't realize when I became a setter was that just as you get reviews in this game
23:33You also get reviews in the cryptic crossword game
23:37There is a website called 15 squared every day
23:39It reviews the cryptic crosswords published in the independent the guardian and the financial times
23:44It's got a little bit of blurb at the top of each page explaining what they thought of the crossword
23:48Then they go through the puzzle clue by clue explaining how they all work
23:52Then beneath that there is a section where members of the public can leave their thoughts and comments
23:57And as you can see on the occasion of my first published puzzle 57 people did just that
24:04And it is amongst those 57 people we will find
24:09my nemesis
24:12She wasn't my nemesis immediately she was just someone who didn't like my first crossword and she is entitled to not like my first crossword
24:18I'm not so thin-skinned. I can't take a bit of criticism. That's absolutely fine
24:23Her name is jane and I bear her no ill will her first comment begins sorry bluth
24:30I really would like to say something positive to which I think would you really jane?
24:36But she is entitled to criticize and you know what i've been doing the job a little while now and with a bit of hindsight
24:41I can look back on that first crossword and I can see that one of those clues was genuinely
24:46Crap whichever way you look at it. It really was this is the one i'm thinking about that one there crap whichever way you look at it
24:53What's going on here i'll tell you what's going on here the answer to that one is poop
24:58Why is it poop it literally means crap whichever way you look at it
25:03This is one of the clues that jane didn't like ladies and gentlemen, but there were others
25:07Oh, there were others as you can see she goes on to say but I was turned off immediately
25:14By the double dose of bog paper the zit and the crap
25:19You've seen the crap clue ladies and gentlemen i'll show you the other three clues i'll be honest
25:23I do understand that there are people who don't want to see the word crap in their newspaper
25:28I get that but I confess to being surprised that anyone is upset by spot bums and bog paper
25:34But then we have to remember that jane is the sort of person who puts inverted commas around the phrase turned off
25:40Jane has to make it perfectly clear that that is a metaphorical turned off she was turned off so to speak
25:47She clearly doesn't want anyone to think she was literally turned off
25:51Because then they'd have to contemplate that prior to doing my crossword she was literally turned off
25:58She doesn't want anyone to misinterpret her comment as meaning your crossword put me off my wank
26:03So now which one of us has got a mucky mind jane it's you not me it's you
26:09Jane wasn't my nemesis at this point if anything
26:13I was upset that i'd upset someone i wouldn't want to upset anyone and when her comment ended saying
26:19i'll try again with your next offering i distinctly remember thinking
26:23i'd really rather you didn't jane
26:26And i'll tell you for why on the day that my first crossword was published my second and third had already been accepted
26:33And i think if you're offended by bog paper zit and crap
26:37You're going to find clues such as warning whore regularly found on live stream
26:42Just a little bit too rich for your blood
26:46I was right in thinking that jane would be offended by my second crossword
26:49I was wrong in thinking that that would be the clue that did it
26:53The clue that upset her was actually this one eight down
26:56C7 are made poorly eating supermarket crabs for example
27:00Why would that upset anyone perfectly innocent sentence isn't it
27:04Let's have a little look at it and see if we can work out what's going on
27:07Let's take those first three words c7r
27:11You can see the clue tells us they have been made poorly or constructed badly
27:17So let's construct them badly now let's make them eat something
27:20What are they eating a supermarket which supermarket
27:23Aldi giving us venereal disease or crabs for example
27:26It's as simple as that
27:28It's as simple as that
27:30It's as simple as that
27:35Jane was not happy
27:38I was beginning to despair that anyone else was bothered by eight down
27:43To be honest had I spotted it earlier in the solve I'd have ditched the puzzle forthwith
27:48And it's not even vaguely amusing
28:00It is
28:01Look at all these people laughing Jane
28:05Every one of them
28:06It is it's proven
28:08And yet it's apparently one of the mainstays of the compilation
28:12Not for me Bluth but thanks anyway
28:14Always unfailingly polite while clutching her pearls was Jane
28:19I was upset that I was upsetting someone
28:21So I genuinely did try and clean up what I was doing
28:24But it wasn't enough
28:26Things would sneak through my checking process
28:28This one
28:29Weeps dropping back into doctors
28:31I failed to spot that it's another poo clue
28:34It's the dropping
28:35It's the dropping that does it
28:36The dropping I had in mind was an animal dropping
28:39It's poo isn't it
28:41And this poo is going backwards
28:42And it's going into the doctors giving us the word droops
28:46Which the dictionary confirms is a perfectly fair definition for the word weeps
28:52Jane didn't like it
28:53Ladies and gentlemen
28:54I've yet to make my mind up about this setter
28:57I think we all know that's not cocking true
29:00Made her mind up very quickly as far as I can tell
29:03And one across didn't get me off
29:05Oh Jane not again
29:07Not again Jane
29:09No sorry sorry sorry to a good start
29:11That's bad
29:12Sorry sorry Jane
29:13It felt like every single time I was published
29:16She'd be there having a bloody go
29:18Oh quite enjoyed this one
29:20Once I'd got past the seemingly obligatory lavatorial reference
29:23And the prostitutes
29:26There was nothing I could do to please this woman
29:29Now in some ways I have a great deal of sympathy for Jane here
29:32And there is an argument that maybe the crossword should be a haven
29:36A little oasis of calm in the corner of your paper
29:39Which is already full of so much crap isn't it
29:42Especially in recent times quite literally given we have been dumping raw sewage into our rivers and our seas
29:49This has been a big story for some time now hasn't it
29:52You can imagine the upset all of this has caused
29:54One company even claimed that the public has no right to swim in the sea
30:00Oh you can imagine the wild swimming community in particular got very worked up about that
30:06I sometimes go swimming in sewage myself
30:08But only in a metaphorical sense
30:11By which I mean I sometimes find myself spending hours reading the comment sections beneath stories such as these
30:18That's what I've done with these stories ladies and gentlemen and I've taken my favorite of those comments and turned them into something
30:23That I like to call a found poem that I would like to perform for you now
30:32While all the pollution is clearly appalling the one good thing to come of this would be an end to wild swimming
30:41When I was a lad we just called it swimming
30:45In a time when most towns have perfectly decent swimming baths
30:49I am wondering why so many people want to swim in rivers anyway
30:53Having looked at the sort of people who do it I suspect the main reason is that it is free
31:00Why don't people just pop to their local baths and leave the rivers to take our ordures away as nature intended
31:08Call me old-fashioned, but I don't mind a bit of crap in the rivers
31:13They're dirty anyway, but I draw the line at it going in the sea
31:18Swimming in rivers isn't something normal people do
31:25It's something normal people tell their dogs to stop doing
31:29Swimming in the sea however is a normal thing that normal people do on holiday
31:36Water water water everywhere and not a drop to drink
31:43So said a famous poet once
31:46I don't know which one
31:47But it makes you think
31:52Fish can't pop to the local baths
31:55Why won't anyone think of the fish?
31:57I can see why people think having sewage in our rivers is a bad thing
32:04But does anyone stop to ask where else it should go?
32:08Before we had water companies our wee and poo still existed
32:12And i'll bet you a pound to a penny that most of it ended up in the water
32:16We should be giving thames water a pat on the back for the amount of sewage they don't put in the water
32:23Not complaining about the amount they do
32:29I don't eat fish
32:33Nature as always has provided the solution
32:36Cucumbers
32:40They're 96 percent water
32:43And more importantly
32:45They're free
32:54I don't eat cucumbers
32:58It's odd to think that humans are the only animals to have toilets
33:03Apart from cats
33:06News flash
33:08Fish poo in rivers
33:10If fish won't think of the fish why should I?
33:15Where on earth do you think sea water comes from?
33:19Rivers flow into seas
33:22Water is water is life
33:27Actually rivers flow into lakes
33:30It is rain that fills the seas
33:33That's why seas are salty
33:40For Bill Ross, drink your tent ladies and gentlemen
33:44I'll see you after the break
33:45Welcome back to modern life is goodish
33:59Where before I was distracted by rivers of filth
34:03I was telling you about how I got a nemesis
34:07But we never actually got to the point where jane became my nemesis
34:10I genuinely started off feeling upset that I was upsetting her
34:14But there is a moment on which my relationship with jane turned
34:18Now initially I was just setting crosswords for the independent
34:21But after a little while I received a message from someone at the daily telegraph saying we're enjoying your puzzles
34:26Would you fancy crossing the floor and writing some for us as well?
34:29And I said yeah, absolutely I will
34:32As much as anything because the daily telegraph is not reviewed on 15 squared
34:37That's just the independent the guardian and the ft
34:40I thought it'd be nice to have a puzzle published one day and not have jane jumping up and down and calling me out as a reprobate wouldn't it?
34:47What I didn't realize when I said yes is there is another website that reviews every crossword ever published in the bloody daily telegraph isn't it?
34:55And that website ladies and gentlemen is called big dave's crossword blog
35:00No relation
35:02Now before my first telegraph puzzle was published they asked me to write an article about becoming a setter
35:08Which I did and as i'm sure you can imagine that set off a thread of conversation within big dave's crossword blog
35:15And who the hell do you think turned up in that conversation ladies and gentlemen?
35:22You're not wrong of course she blooming did
35:24Oh couldn't find anything in the daily telegraph about dave gorman coming in as a new compiler. Please tell me it's not true
35:32And when my first puzzle was published it wasn't long before she showed up again saying I always expect this setter's puzzles to be peppered
35:39with references to bodily functions football teams and so forth
35:45bodily functions
35:47football teams
35:49and so forth
35:52I don't think the whole of the world has decided that football and bodily functions
35:58naturally both reside in the same ugly category of things polite society doesn't talk about at the dinner table have they
36:05You can't just make things bedfellows by putting them together in a sentence and adding an and so forth can you
36:11If I said to you all oh
36:12I always expect this setter's puzzles to be peppered with references to knitting and racism and so on
36:18You know immediately that's not right don't you that's not fair on the knitters of the world is it
36:24or the racist
36:26it's not fair
36:28I think that's a little bit revealing am I alone in detecting the faintest whiff of snobbery here
36:34I think she's the sort of person who was offended by the venereal disease clue
36:37not because it mentioned venereal disease but because it mentioned aldi and not waitrose
36:43Rightly or wrongly I thought i'd seen who she was at that point
36:47And once my imagination had painted jane as a snob
36:51I found my whole attitude changed instead of being upset that I was upsetting her I started
36:57enjoying upsetting her
37:00With a bit of hindsight
37:02I can see now that I was maybe not completely stable at this point
37:07I had become obsessed with her
37:09I don't think I would have said so at the time
37:11I think if you'd asked me at the time I would have told you that she was obsessed with me
37:16But that's because I was obsessed with her
37:18In my head and I knew not to say this out loud to anyone I thought she was sort of flirting with me
37:24You know in that way when boys are very young and they end up pulling a girl's pigtails in the playground
37:29It's because they're emotionally underdeveloped and they don't know how to get attention
37:32I sort of thought she was metaphorically pulling my pigtails
37:35I was self-aware enough to know that if I said that out loud it would make me sound like I was disappearing at my own fundament
37:42So I very much kept these thoughts to myself
37:45But I discovered that I wasn't the only person who thought it
37:48A very good friend of mine he sent me a whatsapp one day saying just seen jane's latest
37:53I think she may be trying to pull
37:55She's in love with you
37:58And I sent him a reply saying
38:01That looks like a clue
38:03Because it does doesn't it look at the wording he's used there
38:08She may be trying to pull she's in love with you
38:11That feels very cluey to me don't you think
38:13It's not quite fair on the solver who doesn't know the backstory is it
38:17It's not really fair just saying she and you
38:20Let's take those out if we take the she and the you out and replace them with say
38:25Jane and comedian that feels fairer immediately doesn't it
38:30Little tip for you here if you're writing a crossword clue try and have as few words as possible
38:35Okay right now we're wasting two words by having may and be separately aren't we we could just squish them together
38:42Make them one word that's going to make things a little bit tighter just in a small way
38:46Also another tip for you try and avoid full stops if you can
38:49We've got a full stop there but we don't need it do we we could remove that and if we do
38:54I think we could lose the she's that follows it as well
38:57Just put a dash in instead it'll make it into one sentence look at that
39:00Jane may be trying to pull in love with comedian it means exactly the same thing
39:04And it really has started to feel like a clue now hasn't it that's really feeling very cluey
39:11So I had that one published in the independent now
39:16I know that you are now all able to solve that and you can all see that the answer to that clue is clearly russell howard
39:22But that's not important
39:24Not important right now the message in this clue was in the clue not in the solution now
39:30I will never know what was actually going on in jane's world that day, but i'll tell you this
39:34on this puzzle
39:36She did not comment
39:41I don't know what that was but in my head that was her going shit he's seen me
39:47I will never know the truth
39:49And while jane was still not yet my nemesis i think my obsession with her was growing
39:54It was no longer just about my puzzles and jane this was about all puzzles and jane
39:59Every time i was doing a crossword if i was solving a clue that was a little bit salty my first thought became oh
40:06Can't wait to see what jane's got to say about this one
40:09One day i was doing a crossword in the independent by a man called hoskins it was i say without fear of contradiction the
40:14Filthiest crossword i have ever seen in all my days i could not believe what i was looking at
40:21i will start with the soft stuff but trust me we're going to get a lot darker very quickly
40:26Have a look at this ladies and gentlemen oh ready for a spanking mind your own business
40:31Bit of cheeky s and m in the independent cryptic crossword i promise you darker how about this bishop up for sex and crack takes the biscuit
40:39A man of the cloth a bishop no less taking hard drugs and getting his dick wet oh my life
40:48You are pushing the envelope now aren't you there is more ladies and gentlemen out of head
40:52Scandinavians and boozers dot dot dot very next clue dot dot dot hooking up and having sex
40:58We've got drunken scandinavian swingers s and m a bishop taking hard narcotics and getting his end away
41:04And just when you think he has plumbed the depths he goes even further ladies and gentlemen
41:09Part of the body pervert has a goose
41:14The sexual assault of barnyard animals ladies and gentlemen
41:20And just when you think hoskins has done all he can to wallow in the filth of bodily functions
41:27He puts the cherry on top of this particular cake by also including football and so forth
41:32I
41:35Finished this puzzle i rush straight to 15 squared to see what jane had to say was jane in the comment section that day
41:41You bet your sweet patootie she was in the comment section that day oh nice to see a few flashes of the old harry in this one
41:50And a relief to discover that i wasn't alone in not knowing the football term
41:57Quite a lot of ticks on my sheet
41:59Shrug but out let off and glad rags all getting a mention
42:07No complaints from me today
42:19This is when i got a fucking nemesis
42:24How fucking dare you
42:29Are you genuinely trying to convince me there is anyone on this earth who genuinely thinks
42:37Or you've crossed a line there young fellow malady but also think that that's a okay is that
42:44Am I actually expected to believe someone is operating within a moral framework that says oh that's going too bloody far
42:51But that's a fucking bullseye is it
42:53I'm sorry jane did my toilet roll put you off your goosefuck
42:59And now i've offended myself
43:13Ladies and gentlemen thanks for watching good night
43:17To see you a little bit of a mistake
43:19That's one of my favorite games
43:20I'm sorry
43:22Who i can tell you the truth
43:22but i'm surprised
43:26Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Be the first to comment