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00:00Okay, come on. What else have you got? Boy, this is a tough one. I have no idea.
00:03I'm doing good, because, you know, it's all scrambled up here.
00:12All right. First, the first line.
00:15This is why Superman works alone.
00:19Okay. This was, this is why Superman works alone is going to be from the fantastic Mr. Fox.
00:26Oh, it's from Batman and Robin. I know.
00:28I didn't want to say the word Batman and Robin. I want to put them together, because everybody gets all uptight.
00:34This is why Superman works alone.
00:36I was the best Batman, and you know it, and I know it, and I don't want to hear any more shit.
00:42All those other guys, you know, Batman has nipples, dude. He has nipples.
00:48How do you think he feeds the children? The little bats.
00:52So I don't want to hear any more bullshit. I was the best Batman.
00:54It was not the most fun shoot, because of the suit. It was a very painful suit, and you couldn't move.
01:02I would be laying on a board, and Joel Schumacher would direct you with a microphone, with a giant speaker, and he would go,
01:09Okay, George, and here we go, and ready, and your parents are dead.
01:15You have nothing to live for, and action.
01:19And then they'd just prop me up, and I'd go, uh, I'm Batman.
01:23And I'd go, and cut!
01:24And they'd drop me back down, and then they'd carry me out on a board.
01:27And that was my experiences.
01:29I should have realized it was not going to be a hit right about then.
01:32That. I'm ashamed.
01:35All right, let's see.
01:38I'm not the guy you kill.
01:41I'm the guy you buy.
01:44That's from Michael Clayton.
01:46I'm not the guy that you kill.
01:49I'm the guy that you buy.
01:50I remember the last shot in the movie.
01:53There's a shot of me in the back of a cab, and it's just a camera on me for about three minutes while the credits roll.
01:58All the reviews and people were talking about how, gosh, it's such an amazing moment where, you know, you're sort of replaying everything that's happened to Michael.
02:07And the truth is, we were stealing the location in downtown Manhattan, like, at four o'clock in the afternoon.
02:14We're stuck in traffic.
02:16And the entire time, if you watch it, you can tell if you watch it now.
02:20All I'm trying to do is not laugh, because there's all of these guys driving up on their bikes.
02:25Hey, John Clooney!
02:27Hey!
02:27And the whole time, I'm just looking straight ahead and looking at the camera and trying not to laugh at these knuckleheads, you know, giving me a hard time.
02:37Okay.
02:38The next one is, sometimes it's impossible to save a kid's life.
02:43And the only thing we can do is save them from suffering.
02:46Now, because it says a kid's life, I'm going to guess that this is me as a pediatrician in ER.
02:54Sometimes it's impossible to save a kid's life, and the only thing we can do is save them from suffering.
03:04I did that show for five years.
03:06It was the last time I had to audition, so that was a long time ago.
03:09The funny thing about that show was Noah Wiley and Eric LaSalle and Julianna Margulies and I and Sherry Streetfield.
03:15Nobody really knew who we were.
03:17The show was supposed to be a big flop because it was an hour show.
03:21The network didn't want to put us on the air.
03:22They thought it was going to be terrible.
03:24They said, nobody understands it.
03:25Super ventricular tachyrythia.
03:27What the hell does that mean?
03:28And then they put us on the air, and overnight it was just a massive, massive hit.
03:34We eventually had like 40 million people watching the show at one point.
03:37And suddenly we all had careers.
03:40And it was that wild thing that happens one day when, you know, they call up and tell you what the ratings are.
03:45And all of us looked at each other, and we thought, well, now we have a job for a year.
03:49It was very hard to memorize lines, but I cheated.
03:52Because, you know, if you come in as a doctor, this is your clipboard.
03:56You always have a clipboard as a doctor.
03:58And I'd come in and I'd be like, you know, well, Billy is your name?
04:02I'm Dr. Ross.
04:02And it seems to me that you have, you know, a spleen injury.
04:08And on the card it would say, Billy, I'm Dr. Ross.
04:10And it seems to me, and I would just read it like this and look at it and hand it to him.
04:15Okay.
04:16Okay, here we go.
04:17This is going to be right.
04:20Ten ought to do it, don't you think?
04:21You think we need one more?
04:24You think we need one more?
04:25All right.
04:26Well, we'll get one more.
04:27This is from Ocean's Eleven.
04:29Ten ought to do it, don't you think?
04:32Do you think we need one more?
04:36Do you think we need one more?
04:37We wanted to get Julia Roberts.
04:40There had been some announcement that said she made 20 a picture.
04:42So I sent her a $20 bill on the top of the script and said, I hear you get 20 a picture.
04:48But she did it.
04:49We got her.
04:50It was the second time I'd worked with Don Cheadle.
04:52And it was the first time I'd worked with Brad and Matt.
04:55And then we went on, I think I've done seven films with each of them since then.
04:58So it was the start of something really fun and a great friendship between all of us.
05:02And Julia and I have done seven films, I think, too.
05:04Something, it's a lot.
05:07Okay, come on.
05:08What else you got?
05:11We accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato.
05:15You have about three seconds to live.
05:17Okay.
05:18This is from South Park.
05:22I'm doing good because, you know, it's all scrambled up here.
05:26There's nothing going on in here.
05:28We accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato.
05:30You have about three seconds to live.
05:32I'd seen the Spirit of Christmas video.
05:35And then when the show got picked up, they called me.
05:37And the first thing they asked me to do was play Sparky the Gay Dog.
05:40And they recorded me and they just had me bark.
05:44And then they called me and asked me to do the movie with them.
05:47And it was a really fun time.
05:49All right, let's see.
05:50Well, okay.
05:52Paradise can go fuck itself.
05:55Now, this is a tricky one.
05:56I'm going to say, boy, this is a tough one.
06:03I know the line, but I don't know the movie.
06:06Um, the Descendants.
06:10I should have known that.
06:11Paradise can go fuck itself.
06:13We were in Hawaii shooting that for the whole time with Shailene Woodley, my dear friend.
06:18And Alexander Payne was the director.
06:20There was an actress who played my wife.
06:22She's in a coma.
06:23They wanted her to look like she was sort of decaying.
06:27So she went on an all-liquid diet.
06:30And over the period of while we were shooting, she's losing weight.
06:33And then they kept carving more and more out of the bed.
06:35So she just kept sinking into the bed and getting smaller and smaller and smaller.
06:38Until finally she dies at the end of the movie.
06:42Okay, let's see.
06:43What else have you got?
06:45I was working for an American company building hot tubs for Kuwaiti homes.
06:50Okay.
06:52There's a couple of these.
06:53So I'm going to say that this is from, um, Minsteric Goats.
07:00No, there's Three Kings.
07:02What is it?
07:03Oh, that's right.
07:04I played George Burnett.
07:06I was working for an American company building hot tubs for Kuwaiti homes.
07:10I had really good hair in that one.
07:12If you watch the reruns, and I know you do, I have probably the best mullet of all time.
07:19And I'm very proud of that.
07:20If you do watch the reruns, you might ask yourself how I still have a career.
07:28But I do.
07:31Okay, we cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home.
07:34Good night and good luck.
07:35But we cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home.
07:38This was the first film I wrote and directed.
07:42Grant and I wrote it with the intention of playing Murrow.
07:45And then we did a table reading.
07:47And after we did the table reading, I realized that I wasn't old enough and couldn't play the part.
07:52And then we went and got David Strothern, who was brilliant.
07:55And I couldn't have done it nearly as well as he did.
07:57But we shot that movie in four weeks for six and a half million dollars.
08:02And then I ended up getting nominated for six Oscar nominations.
08:07I'm always very proud of that film.
08:08And then I did the play on Broadway this summer.
08:11And none of you came to see it.
08:13I know.
08:13I detect, like me, you're endowed with the gift of gab.
08:20This is, oh brother, where art thou?
08:23I detect, like me, you're endowed with the gift of gab.
08:26I've done, I think, five films, something like that.
08:28Something crazy, a number like that.
08:30Of films with the Coen brothers.
08:31But this was my first one.
08:32And I got a call and they said,
08:35you want to do a movie with the Coen brothers?
08:37I was like, yeah.
08:39And they said, you want to read the script?
08:41And I go, okay, but I'm going to do the movie.
08:42And then I read it, it was Everett McGill.
08:44They assumed that I could sing
08:46because my aunt was a very famous singer
08:48named Rosemary Clooney.
08:49And they got me down to Nashville
08:52to sing at a recording studio.
08:55And I'm in the glass booth
08:56and I've really worked on this thing.
08:58And I sing Man of Constant Sorrow, you know.
09:01And I think I've done a pretty good job, quite honestly.
09:04And I finish and I look up
09:05and no one will look me in the eye.
09:06They're all looking down like,
09:08and they go, what?
09:10I go, what do you think, guys?
09:11And they're like, why don't you come in and listen to it?
09:13And they go to the booth, they play it back.
09:15And it literally sounds like a cat
09:17caught in the wheel well of a car, you know.
09:20But what are you going to do?
09:21I'm the star of the movie.
09:22So I just went, and it was, I mean,
09:24unbelievably embarrassing.
09:26It really was horrible.
09:27And then, but there's nothing they can do.
09:29So I just went, I think it sounds great.
09:32And then they all panicked.
09:34And I said, bring your guy.
09:36And they brought a guy named Dan Tominsky in
09:38who sang it and made me look very, very good.
09:41All right.
09:42Let's see.
09:43I was thinking,
09:45if we met under different circumstances,
09:47if you were in a bar and I came up
09:49and we started talking,
09:51I wonder what would happen.
09:52This is from Out of Sight.
09:54And I'm saying this to Jennifer Lopez.
09:56If we met under different circumstances,
09:58you're in a bar.
10:01I came up, we started talking.
10:04I wonder what would happen.
10:05This was the first film I worked with.
10:07Steven Soderbergh,
10:08who is a great friend
10:09and an extraordinarily gifted director.
10:12The reason that happened was
10:13it was on the heels of Get Shorty,
10:16which was the book before it.
10:18And originally, I think John Travolta
10:20was going to do it.
10:20Travolta passed on this film.
10:23The director who was directing that,
10:25who will remain nameless at the time,
10:27quit when they offered it to me.
10:30He said, he's not going to make it in the movies
10:32and he's a TV guy.
10:33And no, I'm not going to do it.
10:34But Danny DeVito was one of the producers
10:36and said, well,
10:37Steven Soderbergh's had
10:38a couple of really bad films.
10:40And I was coming off of Batman and Robin,
10:42so we were both on our back foot
10:43in terms of bad films.
10:46And so we kind of really needed this film to work.
10:48It was important that this film worked.
10:50People talk about it all the time.
10:51It's like, you know,
10:52Soderbergh's one of his best films.
10:54But what they don't remember
10:56is it was a massive flop.
10:57I mean, a massive flop.
10:59I think it cost like 45 million to make
11:02and I think it made like 20 or something crazy,
11:04something small like that.
11:05And everyone's like, well, that's it for you.
11:07You're never going to make it in the film business now.
11:10And now people look at it as a success.
11:12But boy, it sure wasn't at the time.
11:15What else you got?
11:16Let me see.
11:18Never get behind people traveling with infants.
11:21I've never seen a stroller collapse
11:23in less than 20 minutes.
11:24This is up in the air.
11:25And by the way, it's also very true.
11:28Let's be clear.
11:29You never get behind people traveling with infants.
11:31I've never seen a stroller collapse
11:33in less than 20 minutes.
11:34Jason Reitman showed up at my house
11:36with the script in Italy.
11:38And he handed me the script
11:40and I went upstairs to read it.
11:41And he's like, what do I do if you don't like it?
11:43And I said, well, then you got a nice vacation to Italy.
11:48And I read it.
11:48It was just a beautiful, beautiful script.
11:51Once he put it together,
11:52the actors that he put in that film were so good.
11:55That was a film that I couldn't be more proud
11:57to have been a part of.
11:58All right, what else?
11:59Let's see.
12:00I'm starting to worry a little bit.
12:03Innocent until investigated.
12:05That's nice.
12:06It's got a nice ring to it.
12:08Bet you've worn some miles on old sayings like that.
12:12Gives the listener the sense of the law
12:15being written as it's spoken.
12:21It could be intolerable cruelty.
12:23No.
12:27Innocent until investigated.
12:28That's nice.
12:29It's got a nice ring to it.
12:30Bet you've worn some miles on old sayings like that.
12:34Gives the listener the sense of the law
12:35being written as it's spoken.
12:39I have no idea.
12:40My brain is fried.
12:43Oh.
12:44Suriana.
12:45You see?
12:45That's how little I pay attention.
12:47Innocent until investigated.
12:49It's nice.
12:50It's got a nice ring to it.
12:51I bet you've worn some miles on old sayings like that.
12:56There was another actor originally in it, in the part.
13:00And I was a producer on it with Soderbergh.
13:02The actor dropped out six weeks before we were supposed to start.
13:07And I was shooting Oceans 12 in Europe.
13:10I went to Stephen, who was producing, and I said, if I put on, you know, 40 pounds, do you think I could do the part?
13:19And he's like, well, if you can do that.
13:22And so I had six weeks as I wrapped Oceans to eat croissants and drink beer.
13:31By the way, it's not that fun.
13:32If you're never hungry and you're just drinking a lot of beer and eating like this.
13:36It sounds fun.
13:37It's not.
13:37Ultimately, I put on about 45 pounds.
13:40The funniest part was I did it because I was playing a real guy named Bob Bear.
13:44When he heard that I was doing it, you know, he started exercising and lost a lot of weight.
13:47And he showed up looking great.
13:49I looked different.
13:50That was not a fun shoot.
13:51It was a hard shoot to do.
13:53I got injured while I was doing it in my back, and I tore my Dura and had five or six surgeries on my back and neck afterwards.
14:02So it wasn't that much fun to do.
14:04It was fun to work with Christopher Plummer and people like that.
14:08And then Matt and I got to work together again.
14:10Let's see.
14:11All right.
14:12I'm down here.
14:13That is from Jay Kelly.
14:16I'm down here.
14:17You're up there.
14:18You're down here.
14:19You're in here.
14:20Noah Bombeck literally found some horrible picture of me from 1985, and he blew it up to, like, 40 by 40 feet and hung it on the side of this building.
14:30And I walked out, and I was like, oh, my God, another terrible picture of me.
14:34It was really fun to work with Noah.
14:36I love Adam and Laura Dern.
14:39Laura Dern and I did our first movie together in 1984.
14:43There's a movie called Grizzly 2.
14:45And we were in Hungary.
14:47This is like communist Hungary in 1984.
14:49Or 83.
14:50They ran out of money.
14:51We got stuck there.
14:52We couldn't get home.
14:53We didn't have money to fly home.
14:55Anyway, finally, we come home.
14:56The movie never comes out.
14:58You know, thank God.
15:00And then, like, two years ago, some schmuck finds it.
15:03Gets a bunch of stock footage of bears running wild and puts it together.
15:07And then, like, literally, like, two years ago, maybe three years ago, the movie gets released.
15:12It was Charlie Sheen, Laura Dern, and I.
15:13We get killed in the first scene in the movie.
15:15But now it's worth a star of it, of course.
15:18And literally, I'm getting the worst reviews of my life 40 years after I did the movie.
15:25So, it's nothing to do with J. Kelly, really.
15:29Did I mention I was the best Batman?
15:32Okay, let's see.
15:32Worst 19 years of my life.
15:36Worst 19 years of my life.
15:38Oh, this is going to be Ticket to Paradise with Julia.
15:42Worst 19 years of my life.
15:44Old Parker, the director, sent me the script.
15:46And I read it.
15:47And I called up Julia.
15:48And this was during COVID.
15:50And I said to her, you know, I'll do this if you do it.
15:53She read it.
15:53She called me back and goes, I mean, we got to go to Australia to shoot it.
15:57We have to isolate for, like, a month and, you know, all this stuff.
16:00I was like, it'll be fun.
16:01We'll all isolate together.
16:02So, we all went down.
16:04I took a mall and the kids.
16:06And we were in one house.
16:07And Julia was in another.
16:09We were in Australia.
16:10And we shot there for months and had truly the time of our lives in there.
16:15But you find out everything in Australia can kill you.
16:18I'm not kidding.
16:19There'll be, like, frogs running around the thing.
16:22They go, don't touch that frog.
16:22It's poison.
16:24And there's, like, spiders.
16:25The spiders are, like, jellyfish.
16:27Oh, yeah, you got to wear this suit.
16:29Why?
16:29Because the jellyfish stings you.
16:30It'll kill you.
16:31I'm here as a tourist.
16:35Go to Australia.
16:37Enjoy yourselves.
16:38I'm here as a tourist.
16:43I'm here as a tourist.
16:44I'm here as a tourist.
16:45I'm here as a tourist.
16:45I'm here as a tourist.
16:46I'm here as a tourist.
16:46I'm here as a tourist.
16:47I'm here as a tourist.
16:47I'm here as a tourist.
16:48I'm here as a tourist.
16:48I'm here as a tourist.
16:49I'm here as a tourist.
16:49I'm here as a tourist.
16:50I'm here as a tourist.
16:51I'm here as a tourist.
16:51I'm here as a tourist.
16:52I'm here as a tourist.
16:52I'm here as a tourist.
16:53I'm here as a tourist.
16:53I'm here as a tourist.
16:54I'm here as a tourist.
16:54I'm here as a tourist.
16:55I'm here as a tourist.
16:55I'm here as a tourist.
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