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Would I Lie to You Season 18 Episode 100 At Christmas 2025
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Would I Lie to You
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FunTranscript
00:00MUSIC
00:20Good evening!
00:21Welcome to Would I Lie To You At Christmas,
00:24a very special festive edition that sorts the facts from the fibs.
00:28On David Mitchell's team tonight,
00:30musician, broadcaster and national treasure,
00:33it's Jules Holland.
00:38And from Radio One and Radio One Extra,
00:41it's breakfast show host Swazi.
00:48And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
00:50a star of stage and screen,
00:52someone called the midwife Fitz Helen George.
00:58And comedian, actor and best-selling children's author,
01:03it's David Walliams.
01:09We begin with round one, Home Truths,
01:11where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
01:14Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
01:17so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
01:19It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
01:23Swazi, you're first up tonight.
01:26OK.
01:28I love Christmas so much,
01:29I put my tree and all the decorations up in September.
01:34LAUGHTER
01:36Well, I hope it's not true,
01:37because if it is, you are very irritating.
01:40LAUGHTER
01:41I love Christmas.
01:42I absolutely love Christmas.
01:43I love Christmas.
01:44I love Easter, but I don't buy the eggs in November, do I?
01:47LAUGHTER
01:48Why do you do it so early?
01:49I don't know, I got married in September,
01:51and so I just thought when we got into the first place we lived in,
01:55I saw the tree on offer, we might as well just get it,
01:58and then at that point, we thought, well, we might as well decorate it.
02:01Was it a plastic tree or a...?
02:03Just plastic.
02:04Can I just remind all of you, I mean, there's a lot of people
02:07who do celebrate Christmas all year round,
02:09so it's not so unusual.
02:11Who are these people? I've never seen them.
02:12Well, there was a bin man on the local news
02:14and he does his round every morning
02:16and then he has Christmas lunch every day.
02:18That's right, there you are.
02:19And that's because bin men get tipped at Christmas,
02:21he's got a vested interest in pretending to be...
02:24I've got a friend who puts all his decorations up in October,
02:27actually, his name is John Lewis.
02:29LAUGHTER
02:32When does yours go up, Lee?
02:33Should I do the joke or not bother, it's Christmas?
02:36LAUGHTER
02:39Does anyone hate Christmas?
02:41No. Some people do.
02:42Do you hate Christmas?
02:43Yeah, I hate Christmas.
02:44How?
02:45I hate the shows, you know, they just...
02:47They do a sort of show and they...
02:49LAUGHTER
02:50And they just, like, put some, like, snow
02:52and this is a Christmas episode,
02:54and they record it in June?
02:56And we all have to pretend?
02:58I mean, no, no.
03:00Not us, we're doing it now in December.
03:03LAUGHTER
03:04So...
03:05LAUGHTER
03:06When do you get your tree up?
03:08Early December.
03:09And are we talking Norwegian spruce or plastic or what?
03:14We're talking a live...
03:16Not live.
03:17A formerly live tree that's been killed.
03:19I mean, that's not how they market them, but it's what's happened.
03:22LAUGHTER
03:23Who decorates it, you or Victoria?
03:25We...
03:26Do you know what? We share the task.
03:27As a family?
03:28Yes.
03:29But you're in charge?
03:30No.
03:31LAUGHTER
03:32What are we thinking about Swazi's claim?
03:35Helen, what do you reckon?
03:36I think it could be true because...
03:41I think she looks like a person that really enjoys Christmas.
03:44All right, OK.
03:45David, do you think Swazi's telling the truth?
03:47No, I do not.
03:48LAUGHTER
03:49The strange thing about being married
03:51and we might as well get the Christmas tree now.
03:53Yeah.
03:54I mean, he would instantly leave someone.
03:57LAUGHTER
03:58If they said something like that.
04:00What does he think of it?
04:01He loves it.
04:02He absolutely loves it.
04:03He's the green-fingered one out of us lot that just...
04:06It's plastic.
04:07LAUGHTER
04:09Also, when you get married, you've got to look to the future.
04:11Yeah!
04:12You've got to start planning.
04:13OK, it's September now that Christmas is coming up.
04:16Yeah.
04:17When we got married, we bought our graves.
04:19LAUGHTER
04:22The next day.
04:23Nice plot.
04:24And I tell you what, that we got a good deal on.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:29All right, Lee, what's your team going to say?
04:31I think not true.
04:33I think a lie. What do you think?
04:34A lie.
04:35You think it's a lie.
04:36You think it's a lie.
04:37I'll go with my team and say it's a lie.
04:38OK, they all think it's a lie, Swazi.
04:40Was it or were you telling the truth?
04:42I was, of course, telling...
04:44..a lie.
04:45Yes.
04:46APPLAUSE
04:47Yes, it's a lie, Swazi doesn't put her Christmas decorations up in September.
04:55Next up, it's David.
04:58As a boy, I developed a special technique for getting through disgusting school dinners.
05:04LAUGHTER
05:05Right.
05:06What was your special technique?
05:08Were you ever forced to eat your school dinners?
05:11I was, yes.
05:12By who?
05:13By the authorities, the school.
05:15We'll ask the questions.
05:16Oh, yes, yes, you're right.
05:17Quite right.
05:18We'll ask the questions!
05:20LAUGHTER
05:21So, yes, the technique was very simple.
05:24I had this dinner lady who wasn't very nice,
05:27and she would make us eat all the things we didn't want to eat,
05:31like fruit and vegetables.
05:33And so my technique was that I would store the food in my cheeks
05:38so I didn't have to swallow it.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:41And then I would keep it in my mouth for the rest of the school day.
05:44LAUGHTER
05:45Like a hamster.
05:46What sort of age were you when this was happening?
05:48Is it over five or...?
05:49No, 17, 18...
05:51LAUGHTER
05:52I was at a junior school, primary school,
05:56so I was probably about five or six or something like that.
05:58What were your school dinners like, David?
06:00My primary school, you had to have...
06:03You had to have some of everything.
06:05Yeah, yeah.
06:06And you had to finish it.
06:07And my technique for dealing with that when things were,
06:10as they occasionally were, absolutely disgusting,
06:13is that I used to be sick all over myself.
06:16LAUGHTER
06:17Merry Christmas, everybody at home.
06:20LAUGHTER
06:21Was it a cry for help?
06:23Yeah, and I also would cry help.
06:25LAUGHTER
06:27We had a boy at my school who...
06:29I was so jealous because he had a letter from his mum
06:32saying that he was allergic to all vegetables apart from chips.
06:36LAUGHTER
06:38Only my mum would write that letter.
06:41When I was presented with disgusting school food,
06:44the problem for me was putting it in my mouth.
06:47That's always been your problem.
06:49Because of the horrible...
06:50LAUGHTER
06:51Sorry, sorry, sorry.
06:53In a way, when you've put the disgusting food in your mouth,
06:57you've already done the worst bit, haven't you?
06:59The swallowing it...
07:00That's a very good point, yes.
07:01..is...is comparatively might as well.
07:03I agree.
07:04You know, and...
07:05And let people...
07:06Let people put their own connotations on that.
07:08LAUGHTER
07:09Tell him off.
07:10Tell him off.
07:11Tell him off.
07:12No, because it was you that got the laugh
07:14by doing one of your sideways looks at the audience.
07:17LAUGHTER
07:18I will not criticise my David.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:21How is he your David?
07:23LAUGHTER
07:24Because things have changed.
07:25You knew me first.
07:27I've spent a long time with him.
07:29I've grown very fond of you.
07:32Thank you, Rob.
07:33It's lovely that these things...
07:34It's important to say these things at Christmas.
07:36While you're still alive.
07:37Yes, exactly.
07:38And before we have a few more drinks and get angry.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:42So, what are you thinking, Swazi?
07:44What do you reckon on this?
07:45I think it's a lie.
07:46Come on, it's got to be a lie.
07:47Why?
07:48Why?
07:49Because how can you go after lunch and not talk to the end of the day?
07:51I completely agree with you.
07:52It's a lie, lie, lie, and that's what it is.
07:54We're going to say lie.
07:55They think it's a lie, David.
07:57Was it a lie or were you telling the truth?
07:59I was telling...
08:01THE TRUTH!
08:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:08True.
08:09David did store school dinners in his cheeks.
08:13Helen, you're next.
08:15When I was on Strictly, I sprained my arm
08:17because of all the endless waving they made me do.
08:20LAUGHTER
08:21David, you sprained your arm.
08:23That was your main injury for the contest.
08:25Did you show us how you wave?
08:27Oh, that's quite legal.
08:28It used to be better.
08:29It used to be better.
08:30If you were a strain, that won't be good enough for Strictly.
08:32You need more enthusiasm.
08:33Well, it was bigger when I did Strictly before the sprain.
08:35Was waving a big part of your Strictly commitment?
08:39Have you watched Strictly? There's a lot of waving.
08:41Oh, I suppose there is.
08:42There's as much waving as there is dancing.
08:44Right, OK.
08:45So how long did the recovery take?
08:47A few days. It was in a sling.
08:50Was your first instinct to call a doctor or a lawyer?
08:54Or a midwife.
08:55Or a midwife.
08:56Yes.
08:57LAUGHTER
08:58What did the doctor or the lawyer say to you?
09:01The doctor signed me off for a show.
09:04Because you twanged your arm waving.
09:06But how do you wave?
09:07I just wave like this.
09:08Right, I wave like that.
09:09Argh!
09:10Oh, God!
09:11Why is that lawyer somewhere here?
09:13So how often on a typical episode of Strictly,
09:16from the moment they announce you, would you be waving?
09:19Talk us through it.
09:20Well, so you come out waving.
09:21You come out waving.
09:22That's how I came out.
09:23Woo-hoo!
09:24So you come out at the top of the stairs, don't you?
09:28Come out waving, yes.
09:29You're waving when you arrive, like that.
09:31Which is quite a skill, as hard as the dancing,
09:33when you're walking down the stairs,
09:34not falling over and waving.
09:36Right.
09:37You've never had a proper job, have you?
09:40And then we sort of chat a bit.
09:41Yes.
09:42And then we do some more waving.
09:43Another wave there.
09:44Yeah.
09:45So you do your dance and then you go up the stairs waving.
09:48Another wave.
09:49This is the TV show you're talking about.
09:51So you do the TV show and then you do the arena tour.
09:54Mm-hm.
09:55And that's got lots of waving in because it's a very big arena.
09:59And you're increasing your waves.
10:01Was there an insurance claim at any point?
10:03No, there wasn't, but there could be.
10:04Hmm.
10:05So you didn't think to wave with your other arm?
10:07That's a good idea.
10:09To just, like, balance it.
10:10Jules, what are you thinking?
10:12Well...
10:13Specifically about what Helen has been saying?
10:15LAUGHTER
10:16First of all, I'd have great sympathy.
10:19You know, I need my hands and I would...
10:21Oh, OK.
10:22With an injury like that, you would be...
10:23Have you ever had a piano injury?
10:25Well, you've got to watch out for that sort of thing.
10:27I don't, cos I don't play the piano.
10:29LAUGHTER
10:30Lang Lang wears boxing gloves, doesn't he?
10:32The concert pianist.
10:33Right, yeah, yeah.
10:34Boxing gloves?
10:35Yeah, to protect...
10:36To protect his hands.
10:37Oh, not whilst playing?
10:38No.
10:39LAUGHTER
10:40It's not that good.
10:41LAUGHTER
10:42I'd rather believe it.
10:44You can see the distress in poor Helen's face.
10:47Yeah, she does.
10:48She's, I mean...
10:49Yes, that's certainly...
10:50LAUGHTER
10:51That's certainly a look of sadness
10:52that would be perceptible at arena levels.
10:55LAUGHTER
10:56So, what are your team saying, David?
10:59Let's go true.
11:00Shall we say true?
11:01I'd like to give her a chance.
11:02Let's...
11:03What harm can it do?
11:04Let's say...
11:05I don't think that's the idea of the game.
11:06LAUGHTER
11:08It's Christmas.
11:09We should believe everything.
11:10All right, Jen.
11:11They think it's true, Helen.
11:12Was it true or was it a lie?
11:14It was true!
11:16No!
11:17APPLAUSE
11:18Yes, it's true.
11:20Helen did sprain her arm, waving on Strictly.
11:23APPLAUSE
11:24Our next round is called This Is My,
11:26where we bring on a mystery guest
11:28who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
11:31Now, this week, each of David's team will claim
11:33it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
11:36It's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
11:39So, please welcome this week's special guest, Paul.
11:42APPLAUSE
11:48So, Swazi, what is Paul to you?
11:52This is Paul and he won a competition for me and Stormzy
11:55to come round and turn on his Christmas lights.
11:58LAUGHTER
11:59Right.
12:00Jules, how do you know Paul?
12:02Well, this is Paul and he lets me wind up Big Ben.
12:06Right.
12:08Finally, David, what is your relationship with Paul?
12:11Er, this is Paul and he had to get his dust buster out
12:16after I spilt peanuts in Inspector Morse's car.
12:20LAUGHTER
12:21There we have it.
12:23Swazi's prize-winning pal, Jules's clock companion
12:27or David's car cleaner.
12:29Lee's team, where will you begin?
12:31Swazi, what was this competition on?
12:33Was it on Radio One Extra?
12:35It was on Radio One Extra.
12:37He doesn't scream Radio One Extra listening.
12:41This is the thing.
12:42You'd be so surprised who listens to radio.
12:44What was the competition?
12:45The competition was to guess Stormzy's first name
12:48and Paul guessed it and he was right.
12:50And what is Stormzy's first name?
12:51Michael.
12:52Paul knew Stormzy's first name?
12:54Yep.
12:55Right, OK.
12:56I was equally surprised.
12:57Obviously, you can't see your listeners.
12:58So, when we turned up and we saw Paul, we were like,
13:00Oh!
13:01Hi, Paul!
13:03LAUGHTER
13:05Paul, what are you doing?
13:06Me and Stormzy were there, so we had to turn on his...
13:08And just to be clear, when you say turn on his Christmas lights,
13:10you don't mean in his area, you mean in his house.
13:12Where was his house?
13:13In Croydon.
13:14Which was even funnier because Stormzy's from South London.
13:17Oh.
13:18I bet you laughed and laughed and laughed.
13:20LAUGHTER
13:21So, did you and Stormzy turn up together with an entourage
13:24or just the two of you?
13:25Just me, Stormzy, the social team and my producer.
13:28When you say the social team, you don't mean social services, do you?
13:32No.
13:33Definitely not, no.
13:35The social media team.
13:36Oh, of course, Instagram, yes.
13:38Instagram, TikTok.
13:39Sorry, it's bringing your granddad to work, darling.
13:43LAUGHTER
13:44What were Paul's Christmas lights like?
13:47Awful.
13:48Paul, your lights were so bad.
13:49How dare you?
13:50He had the smallest little Christmas tree.
13:52You know when you put on a table, it's not like in the corner of a room.
13:55Right.
13:56So, yeah, tall old Stormzy.
13:57And you just had to flip one little switch and bing, they came on.
13:59Yeah, and then he came on.
14:00Yeah.
14:01How did you pad out the rest of the visit?
14:03Well, Stormzy's obviously very tall and I'm very small, so I think Paul standing in the middle made everyone laugh, so we just took a photo.
14:10Oh!
14:11You standing in height order can only pad out about another minute.
14:15I've met Stormzy.
14:16Have you?
14:17He's very, very nice, yes.
14:18He is nice.
14:19What circumstances?
14:20Not many.
14:21I was with Jack Whitehall and we were at a showbiz party and Stormzy was there and he was quite excited to meet us and we couldn't quite believe it.
14:28No, neither can I.
14:29It's true.
14:30I'll tell you something I've just spotted about Paul, we say he's not looking like a radio on Extra Listener, but he does have an earring.
14:40An earring.
14:41What are you saying, that he's younger?
14:42I'm saying he's a little bit, ooh.
14:44Are you saying he's a ghost?
14:47No, no, no, he's a bit, he's like me, he's an older gentleman but he's down.
14:55He's had a fall?
14:56Yes.
14:57What is your time slot on Radio One Extra?
15:01I'm on Saturday mornings from 7 to 10 a.m.
15:04So he's getting up early to listen to you as well.
15:07Loads of people are up early, you know.
15:09Well, the nurse, they wake up people quite early, don't they?
15:15I would like to say, Swazi, so far, you're winning.
15:20Who would you like to quiz next?
15:22Jules, and now you're not, Swazi.
15:24LAUGHTER
15:27Jules, remind us again.
15:28Yeah, so, Paul lets me go and wind up Big Ben.
15:32Right, who's Ben and why do you keep winding him up?
15:36Big Ben is, of course, the great tower with the...
15:39You know, when it sees the 10 o'clock news, bing bong.
15:41Also, not only that, he let me go up there, wind it up and open the little sort of number where it's at, like, at the bottom of the clock, number six, and put my head out of the window.
15:50Oh, like a cuckoo?
15:51Wave at London.
15:52What, on the hour, every hour?
15:54Not at six o'clock, cos the hand would have been in the way.
15:58I see that.
15:59That's a very good bit of detail.
16:01So, did you win this sort of opportunity?
16:04No, I was introduced by Stephen Fry, who said, you're going to really like Paul because he'll take you up Big Ben and let you wind it up.
16:11So, just talk us through how you wind up Big Ben again.
16:14Well, a lot of people imagine it's a little key like that, that they'd be wrong.
16:18No, they don't.
16:19OK.
16:20I don't think anyone's thought about it in any way.
16:23And Helen's probably worried, another hand injury.
16:25Well, I wouldn't be able to do it.
16:27Well, you have to walk up there as well.
16:29This was when he was up there.
16:30Oh, they haven't got an elevator fitted.
16:31Steps.
16:32I think they have now.
16:33Oh, so this was a while ago when you did it?
16:34Yeah, yeah.
16:35Before the renovation?
16:36Yes.
16:37It's a digital clock now.
16:38Yeah.
16:39Anyway, you go up and you have a big handle like this.
16:43Yeah.
16:44And then you push it forward and it goes round like this.
16:47And then this gigantic pendulum is ticking away, like a giant long case grandfather clock.
16:54How big is that?
16:55I don't want to bore you with the details.
16:57Oh, please do.
16:58We already have.
16:59But it's pretty big.
17:01Do you have to then swing the pendulum?
17:03Paul, I think, did all that.
17:04When London sleeps, he's in there sorting all that out.
17:07We just wake up and see it, but it's a bloke like him.
17:10We don't wake up and see it because we don't live anywhere near it.
17:12No, but you can see it on the news and things, don't you?
17:14Well, what are you doing, waking up at 10 o'clock at night?
17:16You start getting a proper job, mate.
17:19Do you know a bit about clocks?
17:21It sounds like you know a bit about clocks.
17:22I've learned everything I know from Paul.
17:24Right.
17:25So, here's a question.
17:26What's it called, that clock?
17:28Uh, very big.
17:30It's not called very big, is it?
17:32What's it actually called?
17:33That's right.
17:34Yes, yes.
17:35What does Big Ben refer to?
17:39The bell.
17:41The bell?
17:42The bell is the bell.
17:43The clock is called something else.
17:44Yes, that's right.
17:45I thought you would know that as someone who winds it up.
17:48Does it definitely have a name, the clock?
17:51Well, I think it's just called the Parliament clock or something.
17:54I don't know.
17:55It's called something.
17:56You don't know, after all that.
17:57Oh, I don't know.
17:58I'd like to point out that I'm not the one claiming to know about clocks.
18:01No.
18:02I'm not claiming to know about clocks, but I do know a man who does know about clocks,
18:05and that's...
18:06Paul.
18:11All right, now then, what about David?
18:13David, remind us of your relationship.
18:15This is Paul, and he had to get his dust buster out after I spilt peanuts
18:20inside Inspector Morse's car.
18:23Right.
18:24Why were you in his car?
18:25I was on a little tour of Oxford in it.
18:28What's the car?
18:29An old red Jaguar.
18:31I think it's called a Mark II Jaguar.
18:33I think that's what Morse did drive.
18:35We actually...
18:36We got a picture of Inspector Morse's car.
18:38We can have a look.
18:39There we are.
18:40Look at that.
18:41You could fit in that car?
18:42Yes.
18:43And Paul, and my father.
18:45So, hang on.
18:46Is Paul the organiser of the tour?
18:48He is, and he is the owner of Inspector Morse's car.
18:51Oh.
18:52So, he was driving the car?
18:53He was.
18:54How did Paul come to own this car?
18:56I don't actually know.
18:57So, he's a private...
18:58Once again, no small talk from David on the journey.
19:00Yeah.
19:01Do you want to know how I got this car?
19:03Nah.
19:04How could you not get the peanuts into your mouth?
19:09Yeah.
19:10Well, the truth is, the peanuts were in my...
19:12The truth is, it didn't happen.
19:14The truth is, no.
19:15The truth is that the peanuts were in my jacket pocket,
19:19in a packet I had opened but not finished, folding over.
19:22There's no way you wouldn't finish a packet of peanuts in one guy.
19:26Well, in which case, you'll have to say lie.
19:29Who?
19:30Because that is what I'm asking you to believe.
19:33When was this?
19:34This was last January.
19:36Last January?
19:37It was a Christmas present, this tour.
19:39From?
19:40From my wife to me and my dad.
19:42Didn't Victoria want to join you?
19:44No, she didn't.
19:45Anyway, it was a present for her, wasn't it?
19:48It was a tour of Inspector Morse's Oxford.
19:52Because you love Inspector Morse.
19:54I love Inspector Morse.
19:55You love Inspector Morse.
19:56I grew up in Oxford.
19:57My dad lives in Oxford.
19:59He's really interested in Oxford history.
20:01He's a tour guide.
20:02Yeah.
20:03This is an amazing present.
20:04Where did the tour take you, David?
20:06Talk us through some of the high spots.
20:08All around Oxford.
20:09Be more specific, David.
20:11And started and finished in the car park of the ice rink.
20:14Oh, right.
20:15Oh.
20:16How very Inspector Morse?
20:18Well, it was probably more for convenience than mood.
20:21Although it is quite near the police station.
20:23Right.
20:24Which, obviously, you see a lot of Inspector Morse coming in and out
20:26of the police station.
20:27And it's a real police station, so I don't know how that was arranged.
20:30But, obviously, actual law enforcement in Oxford
20:32must have suffered at the same time.
20:34I certainly remember during my childhood the joyriding was going crazy.
20:37So, I think we can blame Zenith Productions
20:40for some of that.
20:41Zenith.
20:42Do you know the name of the production company?
20:44Yes.
20:45Made Inspector Morse.
20:46Zenith made Inspector Morse.
20:47It went initially through Central, but then, obviously,
20:49it all merged under Granada, now rebranded as ITV.
20:52I hope it's OK to mention that on the BBC.
20:55Other broadcasters are available.
20:57APPLAUSE
20:59I can't work if they have to clap because they're impressed,
21:02or if they clap, you'll stop.
21:04LAUGHTER
21:05Well, I've tried that with you many times and it doesn't work.
21:08Anyway, pick up at the ice rink.
21:10Yeah?
21:11You go along St Aldais and High Street.
21:12No, it sounds like you're going to do it all.
21:14Just tell us the highlights.
21:15So, you went along St Aldais, past the police station, past Christchurch.
21:18No, this is the whole journey, David, isn't it?
21:20Well, you can't, you've got to wait for me to...
21:22They don't say, we're not going to show you the highlights of football,
21:24but you're going to have to wait,
21:25because we're going to be showing the whole match.
21:26That's a highlight!
21:27LAUGHTER
21:28That's another highlight!
21:30They just show the highlights.
21:31That's what they do.
21:32Can I just say...
21:33What are the highlights of this tour?
21:35Because, currently, I've heard nothing but lowlights.
21:37LAUGHTER
21:39This is a tour.
21:40This isn't getting to the tour.
21:42Tell us the highlights of the tour!
21:44The highlights of the tour involved driving down the high street...
21:49Oh, he's doing it again!
21:50He's doing it again!
21:51He's doing it again!
21:52He's doing it again!
21:53He's doing it again!
21:54The lowlights again!
21:55How can you...?
21:56The high street of Oxford!
21:57That's not a highlights!
21:58That's not a highlights!
21:59The highlight was a bit where we crossed Times Square!
22:01The highlight was a bit where he took off and flew to the moon!
22:06No, the highlights were when we were driving round Oxford
22:09in Inspector Morse's car,
22:11cos that's what it was!
22:13And the high street of Oxford was a highlight!
22:16APPLAUSE
22:17Next highlight, Riverside pub!
22:18Right?
22:19Victoria Arms, it's called.
22:20It's by the Charwell in Oxford.
22:21What's that?
22:22What's that?
22:23Inspector Morse went there many times.
22:24Ah!
22:25That is where I bought some, wait for it, peanuts!
22:27You said you had the peanuts before!
22:28No, no!
22:29You're a liar!
22:30Dirty liar and it's Christmas!
22:31I did have the peanuts in my jacket and how do you think they got there?
22:34I bought them at the Victoria Arms but I folded up the packet and put it in my jacket and
22:39folded up the jacket and put it on my knee.
22:40We continued the tour.
22:41I won't bore you with more highlights now.
22:42When we got to the end of the tour, I adjusted my jacket in a careless way.
22:43And the peanuts tipped onto the floor of the car.
22:44Dirty liar, and it's Christmas!
22:46I did have the peanuts in my jacket, and how do you think they got there?
22:50I bought them at the Victoria Arms,
22:54but I folded up the packet and put it in my jacket pocket,
22:57folded up the jacket and put it on my knee.
23:00We continued the tour. I won't bore you with more highlights now.
23:03When we got to the end of the tour, I adjusted my jacket in a careless way
23:09and the peanuts tipped onto the floor of the car.
23:12Inspector Morse's Jaguar. Can you imagine my mortification?
23:16So I apologise effusively.
23:19And Paul says, not to worry, and he gets a dust buster.
23:22From? From the boot of the car.
23:24Where do you get the dust buster from? From the boot of the car.
23:29And he clears them up in front of me, no harm done.
23:35Right, we need an answer.
23:37So, Lee's team is Paul, Swazi's prize-winning pal,
23:41Jules's clock companion, or David's car cleaner.
23:45Jules strikes me as a man that would be interested in winding up...
23:49Who wouldn't, though? I'd like to do that.
23:50I think he would, because he's got those sort of interests,
23:53sort of old man's interests.
23:55LAUGHTER
23:57Why would you, if you're running a tour with all of the, you know,
24:00best parts of Oxford that Inspector Morse filmed in,
24:04why not ask to meet at the beautiful pub where you could have a drink,
24:07first of all, and welcome your guests?
24:09Why would you meet at the ice rink?
24:10There would definitely be more picturesque places to meet,
24:12but not where there's easy parking.
24:14The picturesque and the easy parking,
24:17they often pull in different directions.
24:19Right. I give an example, Venice.
24:21LAUGHTER
24:26OK, it's time to guess.
24:28I don't believe that Stormzy went round to turn on this man's
24:32Christmas lights on a Christmas tree that big.
24:34That's the thing, isn't it?
24:35So, I'm going Jules.
24:37Alan?
24:38I would go with Morse, because it just sounds like the most plausible...
24:42You were going to say boring. ..boring Christmas present.
24:44LAUGHTER
24:46OK.
24:47We are going to go with Jules.
24:49Jules.
24:50OK.
24:51Paul, would you please reveal your true identity?
24:55I'm Paul, and I let Jules Holland wind up Big Bang.
24:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:02Yes, Paul is Jules's club companion.
25:05Thank you very much, Paul.
25:11Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lives,
25:14and we start with...
25:16..it's...
25:17..Jules.
25:18Ah.
25:19..every year before Christmas dinner,
25:22I change into my special, much looser, eating trousers.
25:26LAUGHTER
25:28Lee's team.
25:29Well, I mean, I do, so...
25:31LAUGHTER
25:32Are they elasticated?
25:34Erm, no, they have little belts at the side
25:38and braces attached to buttons,
25:42and the little belts at the side undo...
25:44..so you can loosen them.
25:46..so you can loosen them, yeah.
25:47..the braces and the side straps.
25:49Yeah.
25:50So they're quite smart trousers?
25:51Oh, yes, I wouldn't want to be seen in short trousers
25:53when I'm having my Christmas dinner.
25:54And you wouldn't want to be seen with shorts and braces?
25:56Never.
25:57That's a look that only David Mitchell can carry on.
25:59Yes.
26:00LAUGHTER
26:01What do you have on the top half?
26:03Dinner jacket.
26:04Have you got a dickie bow on?
26:05Yes.
26:06Are you...?
26:07All right.
26:08LAUGHTER
26:09What do you wear at Christmas lunch then, Lee?
26:12Same as the rest of the family, Speedos.
26:14LAUGHTER
26:15So, dinner jacket, dickie bow and all that,
26:18that suggests you would have those sort of fancy trousers
26:21with the little belts at the side already.
26:23Yeah.
26:24So why are you changing into them?
26:25Well, because I would have had my jeans on
26:27when I was doing the rough work of helping the children
26:29to unwrap their little boxes of cigars and things like that.
26:32Right.
26:33LAUGHTER
26:34So I've still got my casuals on at that point.
26:36And I've taken a break from helping the kiddies
26:39and then I've just come in and having my lunch.
26:40How old are your kids?
26:41Erm, 40, 50.
26:43LAUGHTER
26:45This is a subject close to your heart, Lee,
26:48because I remember you telling me that of late
26:51you've started to drive...
26:53Yes.
26:54..with your trousers open.
26:55I have undone the top button
26:57and I've found that's not enough.
26:59So a bit of zip comes down, the belt might come undone
27:01and many a time I've got to the petrol station
27:03and my trousers have fallen down.
27:05LAUGHTER
27:06And that's my story,
27:07and I don't care what you read in the Sunday papers,
27:09that's what happened.
27:10LAUGHTER
27:11All right, come on.
27:12Is Jules Holland telling the truth?
27:14I believe he's telling the truth.
27:16OK, I've got a question.
27:17Are you insane?
27:18LAUGHTER
27:19You think that that's the truth?
27:21I think it's true.
27:22I think probably a lot of people wear clothes
27:24that are sort of loose or elasticated.
27:26Exactly.
27:27Well, I have pregnancy trousers like that,
27:29so I do understand.
27:30LAUGHTER
27:31What's your team going to say, Lee?
27:33I'm saying it's a lie.
27:34OK, so, Jules, they think it's a lie.
27:38Is it a lie or is it the truth?
27:40I think this might be a conundrum for the show
27:42because it was given to me as a lie,
27:44but it's actually true.
27:45LAUGHTER
27:47So I don't know what to do.
27:51That's never happened before.
27:53That's never, ever happened before.
27:55So, Jules, what is the answer?
27:57Was it true or was it a lie?
27:59A little bit of a lie.
28:00LAUGHTER
28:01Well, there we are.
28:02It was a lie until it turned out to be true,
28:04because Jules actually does have special eating trousers.
28:09Well, that noise signals time is up.
28:12It's the end of the show,
28:13and I can reveal that Lee's team has won by three points to two.
28:17APPLAUSE
28:19Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time. Good night.
28:23APPLAUSE
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