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00:00MUSIC
00:20Good evening!
00:21Welcome to Would I Lie To You At Christmas,
00:24a very special festive edition that sorts the facts from the fibs.
00:28On David Mitchell's team tonight,
00:30musician, broadcaster and national treasure,
00:33it's Jules Holland.
00:38And from Radio One and Radio One Extra,
00:41it's breakfast show host, Swazi.
00:48And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
00:50a star of stage and screen,
00:52someone called the midwife, it's Helen George.
00:58And comedian, actor and best-selling children's author,
01:03it's David Walliams.
01:09We begin with round one, Home Truths,
01:11where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
01:14Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
01:17so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
01:19It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
01:23Swazi, you're first up tonight.
01:26OK.
01:28I love Christmas so much,
01:29I put my tree and all the decorations up in September.
01:34These two?
01:35Well, I hope it's not true,
01:37because if it is, you are very irritating.
01:39LAUGHTER
01:41I love Christmas.
01:42I absolutely love Christmas.
01:43I love Christmas.
01:44I love Easter,
01:45but I don't buy the eggs in November, do I?
01:47LAUGHTER
01:48Why do you do it so early?
01:49I don't know.
01:50I got married in September,
01:51and so I just thought when we got into the first place we lived in,
01:55I saw the tree on offer,
01:56we might as well just get it,
01:58and then at that point we thought,
01:59well, we might as well decorate it.
02:01Was it a plastic tree or a...?
02:03Just plastic.
02:04Can I just remind all of you,
02:05I mean, there's a lot of people
02:07who do celebrate Christmas all year round,
02:09so it's not so unusual.
02:11Who are these people? I've never seen them.
02:12Well, there was a bin man on the local news
02:14and he does his round every morning
02:16and then he has Christmas lunch every day.
02:18That's right, there you are.
02:19And that's because bin men get tipped at Christmas,
02:21he's got a vested interest in pretending to be...
02:24I've got a friend who puts all his decorations up in October,
02:27actually, his name is John Lewis.
02:29LAUGHTER
02:32When does yours go up, Lee?
02:33Um, should I do the joke or not bother?
02:36It's Christmas.
02:37LAUGHTER
02:39Does anyone hate Christmas?
02:41No.
02:42Some people do.
02:43Do you hate Christmas?
02:44Yeah, I hate Christmas.
02:45How?
02:46I hate the shows, you know, they just,
02:47they do a sort of show and they...
02:49LAUGHTER
02:50And they just, like, put some, like, snow
02:52and this is a Christmas episode
02:54and they record it in June
02:56and we all have to pretend.
02:58I mean, no.
02:59No.
03:00Not us.
03:01We're doing it now in December.
03:03LAUGHTER
03:04So...
03:06LAUGHTER
03:07When do you get your tree up?
03:08Early December.
03:09And are we talking Norwegian spruce or plastic or what?
03:14We're talking live...
03:16Not live.
03:17A formerly live tree that's been killed.
03:19I mean, that's not how they market them, but it's what's happened.
03:22LAUGHTER
03:23Who decorates it?
03:24You or Victoria?
03:25We...
03:26Do you know what?
03:27We share the task.
03:28As a family?
03:29Yes.
03:30But you're in charge?
03:31No.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33What are we thinking about Swazi's claim?
03:35Helen, what do you reckon?
03:36I think it could be true because I think she looks like a person
03:42that really enjoys Christmas.
03:43All right, OK.
03:44David, do you think Swazi's telling the truth?
03:46No, I do not.
03:47LAUGHTER
03:48The strange thing about being married and we might as well
03:51get the Christmas tree now.
03:53Yeah.
03:54I mean, he would instantly leave someone if they said something
03:58like that.
03:59What does he think of it?
04:00He loves it.
04:01He absolutely loves it.
04:02He's the green-fingered one out of us lot.
04:05It's plastic.
04:06LAUGHTER
04:08Also, when you get married, you've got to look to the future.
04:11Yeah!
04:12You've got to start planning.
04:13OK, it's September now, but Christmas is coming up.
04:15Yeah.
04:16When we got married, we bought our graves.
04:19LAUGHTER
04:21The next day.
04:23Nice plot.
04:24And I tell you what, that we got a good deal on.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:28All right, Lee, what's your team going to say?
04:31I think not true.
04:33I think a lie.
04:34What do you think?
04:35A lie.
04:36You think it's a lie.
04:37You think it's a lie.
04:38I'll go with my team and say it's a lie.
04:39OK, they all think it's a lie, Swazi.
04:40Was it or were you telling the truth?
04:42I was, of course, telling...
04:44..a lie.
04:45Yes.
04:46APPLAUSE
04:48Yes, it's a lie.
04:50Swazi doesn't put her Christmas decorations up in September.
04:55Next up, it's David.
04:57David.
04:58As a boy, I developed a special technique for getting through
05:02disgusting school dinners.
05:04LAUGHTER
05:05Right, what was your special technique?
05:08Were you ever forced to eat your school dinners?
05:11I was, yes.
05:12By who?
05:13By the authorities, the school...
05:15We'll ask the questions.
05:16We'll ask the questions.
05:17Oh, yes, yes, you're right.
05:18We're quite right.
05:19We'll ask the questions!
05:20LAUGHTER
05:21Yeah.
05:22So, yes, the technique was very simple.
05:24I had this dinner lady who wasn't very nice,
05:27and she would make us eat all the things we didn't want to eat,
05:31like fruit and vegetables.
05:33And so my technique was that I would store the food in my cheeks
05:38so I didn't have to swallow it.
05:41And then I would keep it in my mouth for the rest of the school day.
05:44Like a hamster.
05:46What sort of age were you when this was happening?
05:48Is it over five or...?
05:49No, 17, 18...
05:51LAUGHTER
05:52I was at a junior school, primary school,
05:56so I was probably about five or six or something like that.
05:58What were your school dinners like, David?
06:00My primary school, you had to have...
06:03You had to have some of everything and you had to finish it.
06:06Yeah, yeah.
06:07And my technique for dealing with that when things were,
06:10as they occasionally were, absolutely disgusting,
06:13is that I used to be sick all over myself.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:18Merry Christmas, everybody at home.
06:20LAUGHTER
06:21Was it a cry for help?
06:22Yeah, I also would cry, help.
06:25LAUGHTER
06:27We had a boy at my school who...
06:29I was so jealous because he had a letter from his mum
06:32saying that he was allergic to all vegetables apart from chips.
06:36LAUGHTER
06:39Only my mum would write that letter.
06:41When I was presented with disgusting school food,
06:45the problem for me was putting it in my mouth.
06:48That's always been your problem.
06:50Because of the horrible...
06:51LAUGHTER
06:53Sorry, sorry, sorry.
06:54In a way, when you've put the disgusting food in your mouth,
06:57you've already done the worst bit, haven't you?
06:59The swallowing it.
07:00That's a very good point, yes.
07:01Is...is comparatively you might as well.
07:03I agree.
07:04You know, and...and let people...
07:06Let people put their own connotations on that in the prison.
07:09Tell him off.
07:10Tell him off.
07:11Tell him off.
07:12No, because it was you that got the laugh
07:14by doing one of your sideways looks at the audience.
07:17LAUGHTER
07:18I will not criticise my David.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:21How is he your David?
07:23LAUGHTER
07:24Because things have changed.
07:25You knew me first.
07:27I've spent a long time with him.
07:29I've grown very fond of you.
07:32Thank you, Rob.
07:33It's lovely that these things...
07:34It's important to say these things at Christmas.
07:36While you're still a liar.
07:37LAUGHTER
07:38And before we have a few more drinks and get angry.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:42So, what are you thinking, Swazi?
07:44What do you reckon on this?
07:45I think it's a lie.
07:46Come on, it's got to be a lie.
07:47Why?
07:48Why?
07:49Because how can you go after lunch and not talk to the end of the day?
07:51I completely agree with you.
07:52It's a lie, lie, lie and that's what it is.
07:54We're going to say lie.
07:55They think it's a lie, David.
07:57Was it a lie or were you telling the truth?
07:59I was telling...
08:01THE TRUTH!
08:02Oh!
08:03APPLAUSE
08:08True.
08:09David did store school dinners in his cheeks.
08:13Helen, you're next.
08:14When I was on Strictly, I sprained my arm
08:17because of all the endless waving they made me do.
08:20LAUGHTER
08:21David, you sprained your arm.
08:23That was your main injury from the contest.
08:25Did you show us how you wave?
08:26Oh, that's quite legal.
08:28It used to be better.
08:29It used to be better.
08:30A little restraint.
08:31That won't be good enough for Strictly.
08:32You need more enthusiasm.
08:33Well, it was bigger when I did Strictly before the sprain.
08:35Was waving a big part of your Strictly commitment?
08:39Have you watched Strictly?
08:40There's a lot of waving.
08:41Oh, I suppose there is.
08:42There's as much waving as there is dancing.
08:44Right, OK.
08:45So how long did the recovery take?
08:47A few days.
08:48It was in a sling.
08:50Was your first instinct to call a doctor or a lawyer?
08:54Or a midwife.
08:55Or a midwife.
08:56Yes.
08:57LAUGHTER
08:58What did the doctor or the lawyer say to you?
09:01The doctor signed me off for a show.
09:04Because you twanged your arm waving.
09:06But how do you wave?
09:07I just wave like this.
09:08I wave like that.
09:09Ah!
09:10Oh, God!
09:11Is that a lawyer somewhere here?
09:13So how often on a typical episode of Strictly,
09:16from the moment they announce you, would you be waving?
09:19Talk us through it.
09:20Well, so you come out waving.
09:21You come out waving.
09:22That's how I came out.
09:23Woo-hoo!
09:24So you come out at the top of the stairs, don't you?
09:28Come out waving, yes.
09:29You're waving when you arrive, like that.
09:31Which is quite a skill, as hard as the dancing,
09:33when you're walking down the stairs,
09:34not falling over and waving.
09:36Right.
09:37You've never had a proper job, have you?
09:40And then we sort of chat a bit.
09:41Yes.
09:42And then we do some more waving.
09:43Another wave there.
09:44Yeah.
09:45So you do your dance and then you go up the stairs waving.
09:48Another wave.
09:49This is the TV show you're talking about.
09:51So you do the TV show and then you do the arena tour,
09:54and that's got lots of waving in,
09:57because it's a very big arena,
09:59and you're increasing your waves.
10:01Was there an insurance claim at any point?
10:03No, there wasn't, but there could be.
10:04So you didn't think to wave with your other arm?
10:07That's a good idea.
10:09To just, like, balance it.
10:10Jules, what are you thinking?
10:12Well...
10:13Specifically about what Helen has been saying?
10:15LAUGHTER
10:16First of all, I'd have great sympathy.
10:19You know, I need my hands and I would...
10:21With an injury like that, you would be...
10:23Have you ever had a piano injury?
10:25Well, you've got to watch out for that sort of thing.
10:27I don't, cos I don't play the piano.
10:29LAUGHTER
10:30Lang Lang wears boxing gloves, doesn't he?
10:32The concert pin.
10:33Right, yeah, yeah.
10:34Boxing gloves?
10:35Yeah, to protect...
10:36Protect his hands.
10:37Oh, not whilst playing?
10:38No.
10:39LAUGHTER
10:40I'd rather believe it.
10:44You can see the distress in poor Helen's face.
10:47Yeah, she does.
10:48She's...
10:49I mean...
10:50Yes, that's certainly...
10:51That's certainly a look of sadness that would be perceptible at arena levels.
10:55LAUGHTER
10:56So, what are your team saying, David?
10:59Let's go true.
11:00Shall we say true?
11:01I'd like to give her a chance.
11:02Let's...
11:03What harm can it do?
11:04Let's say...
11:05I don't think that's the idea of the game, David.
11:07Let's say, it's Christmas, we should believe everything.
11:10All right.
11:11Yeah.
11:12They think it's true, Helen.
11:13Was it true or was it a lie?
11:15It was true!
11:16No!
11:17APPLAUSE
11:18Yes, it's true.
11:20Helen did sprain her arm, waving on Strictly.
11:23APPLAUSE
11:24Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest
11:28who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
11:31Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them
11:34that has the genuine connection to the guest.
11:36It's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
11:39So, please welcome this week's special guest, Paul.
11:42APPLAUSE
11:48So, Swazi, what is Paul to you?
11:52This is Paul and he won a competition for me and Stormzy
11:55to come round and turn on his Christmas lights.
11:57LAUGHTER
11:58Right.
11:59Jules, how do you know Paul?
12:02Well, this is Paul and he lets me wind up Big Ben.
12:06Right.
12:07Finally, David, what is your relationship with Paul?
12:11Er, this is Paul and he had to get his dust buster out
12:16after I spilt peanuts in Inspector Morse's car.
12:20LAUGHTER
12:22There we have it.
12:23Swazi's prize-winning pal, Jules's clock companion
12:26or David's car cleaner.
12:28Lee's team, where will you begin?
12:30Swazi, what was this competition on?
12:33Was it on Radio One Extra?
12:35It was on Radio One Extra.
12:37He doesn't scream Radio One Extra listening.
12:41This is the thing.
12:42You'd be so surprised who listens to radio.
12:44What was the competition?
12:45The competition was to guess Stormzy's first name
12:48and Paul guessed it and he was right.
12:50And what is Stormzy's first name?
12:51Michael.
12:52Paul knew Stormzy's first name?
12:54Yeah.
12:55Right, OK.
12:56I was equally surprised.
12:57Obviously, you can't see your listeners.
12:58So, when we turned up and we saw Paul, we was like,
13:00Oh!
13:01Hi, Paul!
13:03LAUGHTER
13:05Paul, what are you doing?
13:06Me and Stormzy were there, so we had to turn on his...
13:08Just to be clear, when you say turn on his Christmas lights,
13:10you don't mean in his area, you mean in his house.
13:12Where was his house?
13:13In Croydon.
13:14In Croydon.
13:15Which was even funnier because Stormzy's from South London.
13:17Oh.
13:18I bet you laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
13:22So, did you and Stormzy turn up together with an entourage
13:24or just the two of you?
13:25Just me, Stormzy, the social team and my producer.
13:28When you say the social team, you don't mean social services, do you?
13:32No.
13:33Definitely not, no.
13:35The social media team.
13:36Oh, of course, Instagram, yes.
13:38Instagram, TikTok.
13:39So...
13:40Sorry, it's bring your granddad to work.
13:43It's awful.
13:44What were Paul's Christmas lights like?
13:47Awful.
13:48Paul, your lights were so bad.
13:49How dare you?
13:50He had the smallest little Christmas tree.
13:52You know when you put on a table?
13:54It's not like in the corner of a room.
13:55Right.
13:56So, yeah, tall old Stormzy.
13:57And you just had to flick one little switch and bing, they came on.
13:59Yeah, and then he came on.
14:00Yeah.
14:01And then how did you pad out the rest of the visit?
14:03Well, Stormzy's obviously very tall and I'm very small,
14:06so I think Paul standing in the middle made everyone laugh,
14:09so we just took a photo.
14:10Oh!
14:11You standing in height order can only pad out about another minute.
14:15I've met Stormzy.
14:16Have you?
14:17He's very, very nice, yes.
14:18He is nice.
14:19What circumstances?
14:20Not many.
14:21I was with Jack Whitehall and we were at a showbiz party
14:24and Stormzy was there and he was quite excited to meet us
14:27and we couldn't quite believe it.
14:28No, neither can I.
14:30It's true.
14:32I'll tell you something I've just spotted about Paul.
14:34We say he's not looking like a Radio One Extra listener,
14:38but he does have an earring.
14:40An earring.
14:41What are you saying?
14:42That he's...
14:43I'm saying he's a little bit...
14:44Ooh.
14:45Are you saying he's a ghost?
14:48No, no, no.
14:49He's a bit...
14:50He's like me.
14:51He's an older gentleman, but he's down.
14:54He's had a fall.
14:56Yes.
14:57LAUGHTER
14:58What is your time slot on Radio One Extra?
15:01I'm on Saturday mornings from 7 to 10 AM.
15:04So he's getting up early to listen to you as well.
15:07Loads of people are up early, you know.
15:09Well, the nurse, they wake up people quite early, don't they?
15:12LAUGHTER
15:14I would like to say, Swazi, so far, you're winning.
15:18LAUGHTER
15:20All right, who would you like to quiz next?
15:22Um, Jules.
15:23And now you're not, Swazi.
15:25LAUGHTER
15:26Jules, remind us again.
15:28Um, yeah, so, Paul lets me go and wind up Big Ben.
15:32Right, who's Ben and why do you keep winding him up?
15:35LAUGHTER
15:36Big Ben is, of course, the great tower with the...
15:39You know, when he sees the 10 o'clock news, bing-bong.
15:41Yeah.
15:42Also, not only that, he let me go up there, wind it up,
15:45and open the little, sort of, number where it says,
15:47like, at the bottom of the clock, number six,
15:49and put my head out of the window.
15:50Oh, like a cuckoo?
15:51Wave at London.
15:52LAUGHTER
15:53What, on the hour, every hour?
15:54Not at six o'clock, cos the hand would have been in the way.
15:57LAUGHTER
15:58I didn't know that.
15:59That's a very good bit of detail.
16:00LAUGHTER
16:01So, did you win this, sort of, opportunity?
16:04No, I was introduced by Stephen Fry,
16:07who said, you're going to really like Paul,
16:09because he'll take up Big Ben and let you wind it up.
16:12So, just talk us through how you wind up Big Ben again.
16:15Well, a lot of people imagine it's a little key like that,
16:18but they'd be wrong.
16:19No, they don't.
16:20OK.
16:21I don't think anyone imagines that.
16:22I don't think anyone's thought about it in any way.
16:24And Helen's probably worried, another hand injury.
16:26Well, I wouldn't be able to do it.
16:28Right, you have to walk up there as well.
16:30This was when he was up there.
16:31Have they ever got an elevator fitted?
16:32Steps.
16:33I think they have now.
16:34Oh, so this was a while ago when you did it?
16:35Yeah, yeah.
16:36Yes.
16:37It's a digital clock now.
16:39Yeah.
16:40Anyway, you go up and you have a big handle like this.
16:43Yeah.
16:44And then you push it forward and it goes round like this.
16:47And then this gigantic pendulum is ticking away,
16:51like a giant long case grandfather clock.
16:54How big is that?
16:55I don't want to bore you with the details.
16:57Oh, please do.
16:58We already have it.
16:59But it's pretty big.
17:01Do you have to then swing the pendulum?
17:03Paul, I think, did all that.
17:04When London sleeps, he's in there sorting all that out.
17:07We just wake up and see it.
17:08But it's a bloke like him.
17:09Oh, we don't wake up and see it because we don't live anywhere near it.
17:12No, you can see it on the news and things, don't you?
17:14Well, what are you doing, waking up at 10 o'clock at night?
17:16You start getting a proper job, mate.
17:19Do you know a bit about clocks?
17:21It sounds like you know a bit about clocks, Jules.
17:23I've learnt everything I know from Paul.
17:24Right.
17:25So, here's a question.
17:26What's it called, that clock?
17:28Er, very big.
17:30It's not called very big, is it?
17:32What's it actually called?
17:33That's right, yes.
17:34Yes.
17:35What does Big Ben refer to?
17:39The bell.
17:40The bell.
17:41The bell.
17:42It's the bell.
17:43The clock is called something else.
17:44Yes, that's right.
17:45I thought you would know that as someone who winds it up.
17:48What is the clock called?
17:49Does it definitely have a name, the clock?
17:51Well, I think it's just called the Parliament clock or something.
17:54I don't know.
17:55It's called something...
17:56You don't know, after all that.
17:57Oh, I don't know.
17:58I've got to point out that I'm not the one claiming to know about clocks.
18:01No.
18:02I'm not claiming to know about clocks, but I do know a man who does know about clocks,
18:05and that's...
18:06Paul.
18:07All right, now then, what about David?
18:13David, remind us of your relationship.
18:15This is Paul, and he had to get his dust buster out after I spilt peanuts inside Inspector Morse's car.
18:23Right.
18:24Why were you in his car?
18:25I was on a little tour of Oxford in it.
18:28What's the car?
18:29An old red Jaguar.
18:31I think it's called a Mark II Jaguar.
18:33I think that's what Morse did drive.
18:35We actually...
18:36We've got a picture of Inspector Morse's car.
18:38We can have a look.
18:39There we are.
18:40Look at that.
18:41You could fit in that car?
18:42Yes.
18:43And Paul, and my father.
18:45So, hang on.
18:46Is Paul the organiser of the tour?
18:48He is, and he's the owner of Inspector Morse's car.
18:52So he was driving the car?
18:53He was.
18:54How did Paul come to own this car?
18:56Er, I don't actually know.
18:57So he's the private...
18:58Once again, no small talk from David on the journey.
19:00Yeah.
19:01Do you want to know how I got this car?
19:03Nah.
19:04How could you not get the peanuts into your mouth?
19:09Yeah.
19:10Well, the truth is, the peanuts were in my...
19:12The truth is, it didn't happen.
19:14The truth is...
19:15No, the truth is that the peanuts were in my jacket pocket,
19:19in a packet I had opened but not finished, folding over.
19:23There's no way you wouldn't finish a packet of peanuts in one guy.
19:26Well, in which case, you'll have to say lie.
19:28Who?
19:29Because that is what I'm asking you to believe.
19:32When was this?
19:33This was last January.
19:36Last January?
19:37It was a Christmas present, this tour.
19:39From?
19:40From my wife to me and my dad.
19:42Didn't Victoria want to join you?
19:44No, she didn't.
19:45Anyway, it was a present for her, wasn't it?
19:48It was a tour of Inspector Morse's Oxford.
19:52Because you love Inspector Morse.
19:54I love Inspector Morse.
19:55You love Inspector Morse.
19:56I grew up in Oxford.
19:57My dad lives in Oxford.
19:59He's really interested in Oxford history.
20:01He's a tour guide.
20:02Yeah.
20:03This is an amazing present.
20:04Where did the tour take you, David?
20:06Talk us through some of the high spots.
20:08All around Oxford.
20:09Be more specific, David.
20:11Started and finished in the car park of the ice rink.
20:14Oh, right.
20:15Oh.
20:16Very Inspector Morse.
20:18Well, it was probably more for convenience than mood.
20:21Although it is quite near the police station.
20:23Right.
20:24Which obviously you see a lot of Inspector Morse coming in and out of the police station.
20:27And it's a real police station.
20:28So I don't know how that was arranged.
20:30But obviously actual law enforcement in Oxford must have suffered at the same time.
20:34I certainly remember during my childhood the joyriding was going crazy.
20:37So I think we can blame Zenith Productions for some of that.
20:41Zenith.
20:42Do you know the name of the production company?
20:44Yes.
20:45Made Inspector Morse.
20:46Zenith made Inspector Morse.
20:47It went initially through Central but then obviously it all merged under Granada and now
20:51rebranded as ITV.
20:52I hope it's okay to mention that on the BBC.
20:55Other broadcasters are available.
20:56I can't wait if that has to clap because they're impressed or if they clap you'll stop.
21:03Well, I've tried that with you many times and it doesn't work.
21:08Anyway, pick up at the ice rink.
21:10Yeah.
21:11You go along St. Alday's and High Street.
21:12No, it sounds like you're going to do it all.
21:13Just tell us the highlights.
21:14So we went along St. Alday's, past the police station, past Christchurch.
21:17No, this is the whole journey, David, isn't it?
21:20Well, you can't, you've got to wait for me to...
21:22Don't say, we're now going to show you the highlights of football but you're going to
21:24have to wait because we're going to be showing the whole match.
21:26That's a highlight!
21:28That's another highlight!
21:30They just show the highlights.
21:31That's what they do.
21:32Can I just say...
21:33What are the highlights of this tour?
21:35Because currently I've heard nothing but lowlights.
21:38What I'm saying, this is a tour.
21:40This isn't getting to the tour.
21:42Tell us the highlights of the tour!
21:44The highlights of the tour involved driving down the high street...
21:49Oh, he's doing it again!
21:50He's giving us the lowlights again!
21:52How can you...
21:53The high street of Oxford!
21:55That's not the highlights!
21:56In Inspector Morse's car!
21:57I can wave down the high street!
21:58The highlight was the bit where we crossed Times Square!
22:01The highlight was the bit where it took off!
22:04And flew to the road!
22:05No, the highlights were when we were driving round Oxford
22:09in Inspector Morse's car!
22:11Because that's what it was!
22:13And the high street of Oxford was a highlight!
22:16APPLAUSE
22:24Next highlight, Riverside Pub.
22:26Right?
22:27Victoria Arms, it's called.
22:29It's by the Charwell in Oxford.
22:30What's that?
22:31Inspector Morse went there many times.
22:33That is where I bought some, wait for it, peanuts!
22:36You said you had the peanuts before!
22:37You're a liar!
22:38Dirty liar and it's Christmas!
22:39I did have the peanuts in my jacket and how do you think they got there?
22:51I bought them at the Victoria Arms, but I folded up the packet and put it in my jacket pocket, folded up the jacket and put it on my knee. We continued the tour. I won't bore you with more highlights now.
23:03When we got to the end of the tour, I adjusted my jacket in a careless way and the peanuts tipped onto the floor of the car. Inspector Morse's Jaguar. Can you imagine my mortification?
23:16Oh!
23:17So I apologise effusively. And Paul says not to worry and he gets a dust buster. From?
23:22The boot of the car.
23:23From?
23:24Where do you get the dust buster from?
23:25From the boot of the car.
23:26LAUGHTER
23:27And he clears them up in front of me. No harm done.
23:33LAUGHTER
23:34Right. We need an answer. So, Lee's team is Paul, Swazi's prize-winning pal, Jules's clock companion or David's car cleaner?
23:45Jules strikes me as a man that would be interested in winding a big bet. Who wouldn't though? I'd like to do that.
23:50I think he would because he's got those sort of interests, sort of old man's interests.
23:55LAUGHTER
23:56Why would you, if you're running a tour with all of the, you know, best parts of Oxford that Inspector Morse filmed in, why not ask to meet at the beautiful pub where you could have a drink first of all and welcome your guests?
24:09Why would you meet at the ice rink?
24:10There would definitely be more picturesque places to meet, but not where there's easy parking. The picturesque and the easy parking, they often pull in different directions.
24:19Right.
24:20I give as an example, Venice.
24:22LAUGHTER
24:23LAUGHTER
24:26OK, it's time to guess.
24:28I don't believe that Stormzy went round to turn on this man's Christmas lights on a Christmas tree that big.
24:34That's the thing, isn't it?
24:35So, I'm getting Jules. Alan?
24:37I would go with Morse because it just sounds like the most plausible, boring Christmas present.
24:44LAUGHTER
24:46OK. We are going to go with Jules.
24:49Jules.
24:50OK. Paul, would you please reveal your true identity?
24:55I'm Paul and I let Jules Holland wind up Big Bang.
24:58Oh, yeah!
24:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:00Yes, Paul is Jules's top companion. Thank you very much, Paul.
25:06APPLAUSE
25:08Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lives, and we start with...
25:15It's...
25:16BUZZ
25:17Jules.
25:18Ah.
25:20Every year before Christmas dinner, I change into my special, much looser, eating trousers.
25:27LAUGHTER
25:28Lee's team.
25:29Well, I mean, I do, so...
25:32LAUGHTER
25:33Are they elasticated?
25:35Um, no, they have little belts at the side, and braces attached to buttons, and the little belts at the side undo.
25:44So you can loosen them.
25:45So you can loosen them, yeah.
25:46They're braces and the side straps.
25:48Yeah.
25:49So they're quite smart trousers?
25:50Oh, yes, I wouldn't want to be seen in short trousers when I'm having my Christmas dinner.
25:54And you wouldn't want to be seen with shorts and braces?
25:56Never.
25:57That's a look that only David Mitchell can carry on.
25:59Yes.
26:00LAUGHTER
26:01What do you have on the top half?
26:03Dinner jacket.
26:04Have you got a dickie bow on?
26:05Yes.
26:06Are you...?
26:07All right.
26:08LAUGHTER
26:09What do you wear at Christmas lunch, then, Lee?
26:12Same as the rest of the family, Speedos.
26:14LAUGHTER
26:15So, dinner jacket, dickie bow, all that.
26:18That suggests you would have those sort of fancy trousers with the little belts at the side already.
26:23Yeah.
26:24So why are you changing into them?
26:25Well, because I would have had my jeans on when I was doing the rough work of helping the children to unwrap their little boxes of cigars and things like that.
26:32Right.
26:33And so...
26:34LAUGHTER
26:35So I've still got my casuals on at that point.
26:36And I've taken a break from helping the kiddies, and then I've just come in and having my lunch.
26:40How old are your kids?
26:41Um, 40, 50.
26:43LAUGHTER
26:45This is a subject close to your heart, Lee, because I remember you telling me that, of late, you've started to drive with your trousers open.
26:54Yes.
26:55I have undone the top button, and I've found that's not enough.
26:58So a bit of zip comes down, the belt might come undone, and many a time I've got to the petrol station and my trousers have fallen down.
27:04LAUGHTER
27:05And that's my story, and I don't care what you read in the Sunday papers, that's what happened.
27:10LAUGHTER
27:11All right, come on. Is Jules Holland telling the truth?
27:15I believe he's telling the truth.
27:16OK, I've got a question. Are you insane?
27:18LAUGHTER
27:19You think that that's the truth?
27:21I think it's true. I think probably a lot of people wear clothes that are sort of loose or elasticated.
27:26Exactly.
27:27Well, I have pregnancy trousers like that, so I do understand.
27:30LAUGHTER
27:31What's your team going to say, Lee?
27:32I'm saying it's a lie.
27:33OK, so, Jules, they think it's a lie. Is it a lie or is it the truth?
27:40I think this might be a conundrum for the show, because it was given to me as a lie, but it's actually true.
27:45LAUGHTER
27:50So I don't know what to do.
27:52That's never happened before.
27:53That's never, ever happened before.
27:55So, Jules, what is the answer? Was it true or was it a lie?
27:59A little bit of a lie.
28:00LAUGHTER
28:01Well, there we are. It was a lie until it turned out to be true, because Jules actually does have special eating trousers.
28:09LAUGHTER
28:10Well, that noise signals time is up. It's the end of the show, and I can reveal that Lee's team has won by three points to two.
28:17Congratulations.
28:18Congratulations.
28:19APPLAUSE
28:20Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time. Good night.
28:23Would I Lie To You returns for a new series next Friday night at 7.30 on BBC One.
28:30The Amanda Land Christmas special is an absolute cracker with all the festive feels.
28:35Watch it now on iPlayer.
28:36And we're opening the barn doors here next tonight, welcoming three celebs into a new repair shop at Christmas.
28:42APPLAUSE
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