- 2 days ago
Anger Management Charlie Dates a Teacher FULL EPISODE Sn 2 Ep 7 Lionsgate TV
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Baby, my first word was, really.
00:04What the hell does chardonic mean?
00:07Really.
00:09Well, we're out of time, so I'll see you all next week.
00:15Lace, could you hang back for a minute?
00:17What's up?
00:18Look, I think you and I both know that there's something going on between us, and we need to talk about it.
00:23Oh, my God. Are we actually, like, acknowledging this?
00:27It's wrong, but there's nothing I can do about it.
00:30I want you.
00:32Okay.
00:47You're so amazing.
00:48I know, right?
00:54What the hell?
00:55Charlie?
00:57Okay, that's it.
00:58No more not drinking before bed.
01:09Coming.
01:09What the hell are you doing with that?
01:19I'm selling them door to door.
01:21What do you mean, Miss?
01:22Is there someone less aggressive I can talk to?
01:25Sam called you, didn't she?
01:27Yeah, she said that your vacuum cleaner died, so I brought you one.
01:30Because she'd been vacuuming the house for the last seven hours and wore it out.
01:34Aha.
01:35So it didn't die.
01:38It was murdered.
01:40I'm serious, Charlie.
01:42Her OCD's acting up.
01:44It's her English class.
01:45Sam's a straight-A student, but no matter how hard she works, she can't get an A out of this teacher.
01:50It's driving her nuts.
01:52God, I hated English.
01:53I always cut that class.
01:54And those English teachers with their stupid vocabulary quizzes, they're always so, so...
02:00Why can't I ever find the right words?
02:03Oh, my God.
02:05Thank you so much.
02:06I still have the whole upstairs to do.
02:08Did you bring an extension cord?
02:09Sam?
02:09Sam, you're obsessing.
02:11What's going on with your English teacher?
02:13I don't know what the woman wants.
02:15Look, you're stuck in a pattern, okay?
02:17So I want you to go upstairs and do anything but vacuum.
02:19Fine.
02:20I'll just go upstairs and start a dangerous relationship with an internet predator.
02:25Go for it.
02:26As long as it doesn't bring you a vacuum.
02:28You've got to go see that teacher.
02:30Okay.
02:30When do you want to go?
02:31Oh, no.
02:32I shouldn't go.
02:33You know me.
02:33When it comes to Sam, I'm too defensive.
02:35Remember?
02:36That was his job.
02:38You had to be this tall to get on the roller coaster.
02:42And, Ed, how was your weekend?
02:44I got into a fender bender.
02:46The other driver was elderly.
02:49And she was a woman.
02:51And surprise, surprise, she was an Asian.
02:55I hit the trifecta.
02:57What happened?
02:58Did you swerve to avoid hitting the sneaky Arab or the carload of Mexicans?
03:02Yeah, you're being ridiculous.
03:04That's true.
03:06You wouldn't swerve.
03:08All right, we're out of time, folks.
03:09See you all next week.
03:14Lacey, can I talk to you for a second?
03:15Oh, God, it's happening.
03:20Everything okay?
03:21You spent the whole session staring at me.
03:23If I didn't know better, I'd think you were paying attention.
03:26No, that'd be silly.
03:28But I can't really talk about it.
03:30Not with you.
03:32You can tell me anything.
03:33You told me that you got high at your grandmother's funeral.
03:35Is this worse than that?
03:37It was 2010, Charlie.
03:38The attitudes about drugs were very different back then.
03:42And, uh, I can't talk to you about it because it's...
03:47It's a woman's problem.
03:49Would you feel more comfortable talking to a female therapist?
03:51I could ask Kate.
03:53Yeah, Kate would be perfect.
03:55She knows me and she knows you, my nature.
03:58Miss Hibbert?
04:07Oh, you must be Samantha's dad.
04:09So sorry I'm late.
04:10I was gonna shoot you a text, but my dog ate the phone.
04:16No?
04:16Yeah.
04:19Well, go ahead and have a seat.
04:20Yeah, the chairs are a lot bigger now that obesity is such a problem.
04:22Listen, I know you're really busy and I really appreciate you seeing me.
04:28It's just that, uh, my daughter Sam is having kind of a hard time in your class.
04:33Really?
04:34Well, she has a B average.
04:36A B is a very good grade.
04:38Oh, I know.
04:38I was one of those jocks who used to make fun of the guys who got Bs.
04:42In fact, the one time I got a B, I had to stick my own head in the toilet and give myself a swirly.
04:47And your daughter's different, I get it.
04:49But the only time I give A's is for truly outstanding work.
04:53I understand that grading essays is subjective.
04:55But if I can go home with a list of criteria that Sam could work toward to raise her grade, that would be great.
05:01Absolutely.
05:02I'd be happy to.
05:04Thanks.
05:06It's funny, my ex is afraid that this is gonna be very confrontational.
05:09Oh, no.
05:10They always go really well.
05:12Except for the ones where the single dads come in and try to hit on me.
05:16I would never do that.
05:18Yeah.
05:19Uh, do you want me to do that?
05:25Oh, well, believe me, normally I would never even think about dating a parent.
05:30But in two weeks, I'm moving to Portugal to teach English.
05:34So it's not really an issue.
05:38Portugal?
05:39Yeah.
05:40So as long as we're discreet, I won't get in trouble and your daughter won't get embarrassed.
05:45Fine.
05:46If anyone asks.
05:47Portugal!
05:48That's our story.
05:51No, I mean, I really am moving to Portugal.
05:54Oh, yes, you are.
05:55That's what makes this okay.
05:57No, seriously.
05:58It's been a dream of mine ever since I studied Portuguese history in college.
06:01Wow, you have a whole backstory.
06:03That is a serious commitment.
06:04And you learned the language.
06:06How long were you waiting for me to come in here and complain about my daughter?
06:12Okay, you.
06:13Okay, you.
06:14So when are we getting together?
06:17How about tonight?
06:19Oh, gosh, I wish.
06:20But I've got a ton of papers to grade.
06:22Oh.
06:23Okay.
06:24Ten more papers, and then I want to do that again.
06:34I've got to tell you, you have really set the bar high for parent-teacher conferences.
06:38So it's really awkward because I'm sitting there in group, and all I can think about is seeing Charlie naked.
06:44Has anything like that ever happened to you?
06:48Seeing Charlie naked?
06:49No, of course not.
06:50I've never seen Charlie naked.
06:52I mean, having a dream like that.
06:54Oh, right.
06:56Dream.
06:57But we all have strange dreams.
07:00Well, can you at least hypnotize me or give me some kind of drug that might make them stop?
07:05I'm afraid it's not that easy.
07:08So there's no drugs at all?
07:11No.
07:12Can you at least look into it?
07:14No.
07:17It's a power whom we admire.
07:19Oh.
07:20So what you're saying is I'm not really in love with Charlie.
07:24No.
07:26I'm talking about idol worship.
07:29Subconsciously, you're so impressed with Charlie's insights that you're imbuing him with a sexual prowess that matches what you believe to be his mental acuity.
07:38Wow.
07:38You are, like, super smart.
07:40And you are super observant.
07:48Now, here's what you're going to do.
07:50You're going to keep a dream journal.
07:51Uh-huh.
07:51Because once you gain control of these fantasies...
07:54Yeah.
07:55...they will no longer control you.
07:57Wow.
07:58Do everything I say...
07:59Okay.
08:01...and your life will be better.
08:03That's awesome.
08:04Are you going to say something after everything I say?
08:09I don't think I can help it.
08:12Are you going to say something after everything I say?
08:15I don't think I can help it.
08:16Hey, Charles.
08:24Play some pool?
08:25Sorry, dude.
08:26I threw my back out.
08:27Aren't you going out tonight?
08:28Oh.
08:29I wish.
08:30You know, it's rough out there when a millionaire tech mogul like myself can't get a date.
08:35What, the thousandaire real estate agent wasn't working for you?
08:38No, that only got me attainable, age-appropriate women.
08:44What about you?
08:45You got something going on?
08:47Well, yeah.
08:47Yeah, I met someone really hot, but it's complicated.
08:50If she's hot, what's so complicated?
08:53I met her at Sam's school.
08:55Oh.
08:56Cool.
08:57What grade?
09:00It's your teacher.
09:01Well, that's a more mature form of terrible judgment.
09:05I know, but no one's going to find out because you're moving to Portugal in a week.
09:09Thank God, because the woman is wearing me out.
09:11Every session is a marathon.
09:13How's the medal ceremony?
09:16Fantastic.
09:16It just takes forever to get her to the podium.
09:19Who do you pretend to be to get women like that?
09:21Navy SEAL, President, what?
09:24I just told her I was Sam's father.
09:25Oh.
09:26I'll try it, but I don't have high hopes.
09:29Look, just make sure that you are good in bed.
09:33Sam's grades might depend on it.
09:35What the hell are you talking about?
09:37You know what?
09:38I used to date my female karate instructor, but I never got my black belt.
09:42You know why?
09:44Because I was terrible in bed.
09:46In my defense, she'd spend the previous half hour trying to kick me in the balls, so I was a little flinchy.
09:53That's just stupid.
09:54There's no way that my performance in bed is going to affect Sam's grades.
09:57So the teacher hasn't made any comments?
10:00Well, yeah.
10:00Yeah, I mean, last night she made a joke about me doing B-plus work.
10:03Plus.
10:05B-plus, eh?
10:09Started out strong, but left me wanting more.
10:12You were supposed to talk to her teacher?
10:16Did you go down there?
10:17Yeah, Charles.
10:18Did you go down there?
10:20Of course I went down there.
10:21How many times?
10:23Just the once, but I was very thorough.
10:25So you really gave it to her?
10:27Oh, yeah.
10:27You should have seen me.
10:28You'd have been proud of me.
10:28Look, Sam, Miss Hibbard's obviously a tough teacher, but if you keep pushing, I bet she'll finally give up that A.
10:37Well, I think that about covers it.
10:41Sam, I need to go over some stuff with Dad. Can you give us a minute?
10:46Sam, we love how driven you are, but if you ever failed, you know it's not the end of the world.
10:51That's the worst advice you've ever given me, Dad.
10:54That's not true. I told you to take ballet $5,000 ago.
10:58Her OCD is kicking in big time.
11:07I found a dust buster in her backpack.
11:09She says it's not hers, but every night she locks her bedroom door, and I know she's in there vacuuming the rug.
11:16You're saying that her daughter's doing rugs?
11:20Yeah, Charlie, your daughter has a rug problem.
11:23I mean, I gotta tell you, she's a mess, and I don't know what it's gonna take to get her an A.
11:28I don't either.
11:35So, did I do good, Ms. Hibbert?
11:40Oh, well, Charlie, you did well.
11:46Sorry I took so long.
11:48Are you kidding? It was great.
11:50As long as the phone call I had to make in the middle of canceling an appointment didn't bother you.
11:54You're like a man on a mission tonight.
11:56Well, I just wanted to make sure I aced that one.
12:00You're really getting up on this whole student-teacher thing, aren't you?
12:04Yeah, playing games is fun.
12:06I think I did pretty well on the test.
12:09I mean, there's some stuff in the middle I was guessing on, but I think I still got an A.
12:11I'm just gonna have to wait for your report card, young man.
12:18Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
12:23I don't know. Are you feeling like you did permanent ligament damage to one of your fingers?
12:28I mean, about us.
12:29Yeah, it's a shame that you have to go away in a few days.
12:34I think we really have something here.
12:37That's what I was thinking, too.
12:39So I canceled my plans for Portugal.
12:43Excuse me?
12:44I'm staying.
12:45But you can't.
12:47It'll be a disaster for the children of Portugal.
12:52They can wait.
12:53Do you know how hard it is to find a guy as patient and as generous as you?
12:56You know how hard it is to find someone who can translate Oliver Twist into Portuguese?
13:01Please, sir, may I have some moss, por favor?
13:05I know this is kind of a surprise, but we'll be fine as long as we're discreet.
13:10You're okay with this, right?
13:12Okay with you being Sam's teacher for the rest of the year?
13:14Yeah, and next year, too.
13:16They're moving me to the 10th grade.
13:19Wouldn't it be crazy if I was Sam's teacher for all four years?
13:26So looking back over your journal, have you noticed any patterns in your dreams?
13:31Well, there is one thing.
13:33In all of them, everything will be going along super normal.
13:36And then out of nowhere, someone will say something really sexual.
13:42I can see your panties.
13:44Yeah, just like that.
13:47No, really.
13:48I can see your panties.
13:49Oh.
13:50I'm so sorry.
13:51Don't apologize.
13:54I like it.
13:57It's happening.
14:01You are so hot.
14:04I know, right?
14:06So are you going to do this?
14:08Sure, why not?
14:13Okay, seriously?
14:14What the hell is going on with me?
14:18Where did Kate get those shoes?
14:25Coming.
14:28Jen, we have to talk.
14:29What's wrong?
14:31Okay, how do I put this without freaking out?
14:35You know that thing where you're not supposed to sleep with your kid's teacher?
14:40Charlie!
14:40It's not my fault.
14:41She promised she'd have sex with me and then leave the country.
14:43I've been looking for that deal my whole life.
14:46You're disgusting.
14:47And I'm exhausted.
14:50You have any idea what it's like to have sex with this woman?
14:52I feel like...
14:53Who's the Greek guy who kept trying to push that giant rock up the hill?
14:58Syphilis.
15:00Dear God, I hope not.
15:03Why, Charlie?
15:04Was Sam's teacher?
15:06What were you thinking?
15:07Okay, okay, I know it was a bad call, but I figured two weeks.
15:09What could go wrong?
15:10And how was I supposed to know she'd be linking Sam's grades to my sexual performance?
15:15Oh, there's no way she's doing that.
15:17I know it sounds crazy, but she is.
15:20How did you get yourself into this situation?
15:22You're such a moron.
15:24I know.
15:25But don't worry.
15:27I'm gonna break up with her.
15:28Oh, no, you're not.
15:30What?
15:31Sam's OCD's getting worse.
15:33She's driving me crazy.
15:34You're gonna keep sleeping with this woman until Sam gets an A.
15:38You don't have my wife anymore.
15:40You can't just run around forcing me to sleep with people.
15:42I'm serious, Charlie.
15:44If she's petty enough to grade you in bed, she's petty enough to take it out on Sam if you break up with her.
15:49All right, fine.
15:51My back is messed up, my jaw is killing me, and I'm pretty sure that three of my tattoos are starting to rub off.
15:56Oh, by the way, B+, you're gonna have to step it up, mister.
16:04Good on sex, woman.
16:05I don't know what else there has to do with a penis.
16:08Years ago, I said the exact same thing to you, and I'm gonna tell you what you told me.
16:14Baby, keep trying.
16:20Hey, Charlie.
16:22I know your teacher's coming over, but you got a couple eggs?
16:25I'm making a cake.
16:26A cake?
16:27If you want to see what she looks like, just say so.
16:30I'm not that desperate.
16:32All right, fine.
16:34You're making a cake.
16:42Here you go.
16:43What are those for?
16:46The cake.
16:47All right.
16:51She's not gonna be here for another hour.
16:53Damn it!
16:56Oh, that's impossible.
17:00What happened?
17:01Sam got a D.
17:02That stupid teacher gave me a D.
17:06Screwing my daughter into a community college.
17:09Charlie?
17:22Charlie!
17:24Oh, hey, come in.
17:26Come in.
17:27Sorry, I was just vacuuming.
17:28I don't know why.
17:31Is everything okay?
17:32Oh, yeah.
17:32Yeah.
17:33Yeah.
17:33Actually, no.
17:36I need to ask you a question.
17:38Am I satisfying you?
17:40What do you mean?
17:43Look, I understand that sex is subjective, but if you could give me a list of criteria to work on to raise my grade, that would be awesome.
17:50You're doing great.
17:52Gold star for Charlie.
17:55Then why did Sam get a D?
17:57What?
17:58Oh, come on.
17:59We both know that you're giving Sam bad grades based on something God knows what that I'm not doing for you in bed.
18:06What kind of twisted person do you think I am?
18:08Obviously, if I knew, I'd be getting an A.
18:12You're insane.
18:13Am I?
18:13What about the B-plus you gave Sam the morning after you said I was a B-plus in bed?
18:18Well, that was a coincidence.
18:20You both did above average, but not...
18:22Mom, my kid's never gotten a C in her life, let alone a D.
18:24Have you read her essay?
18:25I don't have to.
18:26I know what my kid's capable of.
18:27Well, I brought it with me to discuss with you because I was concerned about it.
18:31Read it.
18:34A Long Day's Journey Into Night is a play about a journey.
18:38A very important journey.
18:40It goes so long, it eventually turns into...
18:43Night.
18:46That's a D paper, Charlie.
18:49I don't understand.
18:50Why would Sam write a paper like this?
18:52Yeah, that's what I was going to ask you before you started accusing me of having absolutely no morals.
18:57Oh, my God.
18:58I feel like such an idiot.
19:01Of course I didn't get a D.
19:04Goodbye, Charlie.
19:06I-I-I'm-I'm sorry.
19:08If I did get a grade, what would it be?
19:13If it's an A, just ignore me and drive home.
19:18Yes.
19:22Hi, Swinny.
19:23Hey.
19:24Can we talk for a minute?
19:26Sure.
19:26Listen, uh, I spoke to your teacher yesterday about your essay.
19:31I'm going to ask you one question and I want an honest answer.
19:34Okay.
19:36Did you let your mom write your paper for you?
19:39No.
19:40I wrote it.
19:41Wasn't it horrible?
19:42Any essay that ends with peace out is horrible.
19:47Why would you do that?
19:49I was thinking about what you said, that I need to let go of my need to be perfect, so I thought for this one paper, I would take it.
19:56Well, that's-that's fantastic.
19:58I-I'm so proud of you.
19:59Congratulations.
20:01Carter McGarry got an A on it.
20:03But rumor has it his dad's sleeping with Miss Heppard.
20:07Well, good luck to him.
20:09You see, dreams like this aren't really about sex.
20:15They're about power.
20:17I agree.
20:18It doesn't matter who the person is.
20:20If it's an authority figure, your subconscious is drawn to them.
20:24So what you're saying is I not only have anger issues with authority, I also want to please.
20:30Exactly.
20:32Okay, so now that I know about it, I won't have any more of these crazy dreams.
20:37Not so fast.
20:39You've still got some daddy issues to work through.
20:42Good luck.
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