- 2 days ago
- #realityrealmus
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Because the only things that hang on Christmas Day are mistletoe, holly, and then somehow there's tinsel.
00:05Yes, hi.
00:06There's still no sign of our cab, and I really need to get to my aunt's for lunch.
00:10Just put you on home.
00:11Yes.
00:12Georgia, you're tipping the pavlova.
00:14Huh?
00:14The pavlova.
00:15You need to keep it upright or the compote will breach the meringue.
00:18Why did you make this?
00:19Well, Aunt Joan has got this hilarious photo of me with a pavlova when I was about Manus' age,
00:25and I thought it'd be super cute to recreate it with you two.
00:27We'll have the perfect family Christmas at Aunt Joan's.
00:31She has the biggest tree.
00:33Yes?
00:34The drive was cancelled, I'm afraid, madam.
00:36What?
00:37No, no, you can't cancel.
00:40It's Christmas Day.
00:41Where else am I going to get a cab on Christmas Day?
00:46Merry Christmas, neighbour.
00:48Cute PJs.
00:51Come on, man.
00:52Chut, chut.
00:53Daughter, you're tipping the pavlova over.
00:57Okay, what's the address?
01:00Oh, if you just put in Sirencester.
01:03Sirencester?
01:04Amanda, there's practically Wales.
01:05You said a quick lift.
01:06You said you had no plans today?
01:08No, I said I planned on doing nothing.
01:10Different thing.
01:12Ned's with his mum.
01:12I was going to crack open the Baileys, order a curry and watch me some Die Hard.
01:16Oh, Mal, how depressing.
01:18At least you have company now.
01:19I don't want company.
01:20Oh, can we just do a small detour?
01:27You having a good creme bar for the city?
01:29Not really.
01:30I was supposed to be in South Africa.
01:32But Amanda guilt-tripped me into visiting my sister.
01:35What's wrong with your sister?
01:36She's a nightmare.
01:38It's just all laughter and games and endless bloody cheese boards.
01:43She's completely over the top.
01:45She asks us every year, Mummy, and we never go.
01:47It's getting rude.
01:49And I would love the kiddos to have a traditional Cotswoldy in Noel while they're still enchanted
01:54by the magic of Christmas.
01:56But does she have a PS5?
01:57No, she doesn't have a PS5, my nurse.
01:59I don't even think she has the internet.
02:01Oh.
02:02No way.
02:04Right, Sam.
02:06I should take it.
02:07A little Christmas present for her.
02:09And...
02:10Amanda, it's a disaster.
02:11I've been at the airport now for about 14 hours, and they finally just cancelled our flight
02:16to Dublin.
02:16Oh, and now...
02:18What a shame.
02:19Well, look, thanks for keeping me posted.
02:22Chris and the kids want to head to Cork.
02:23I was supposed to join yesterday, but because of the storm, I'm completely stranded.
02:27And everybody who I know and love is hundreds of miles away.
02:30Chris, Darius, Pat, Roisin, Pat, her husband, Pat, their kids, young Pat, and Patricia, and
02:39Edgar, and Barley, and Pat...
02:41Yeah.
02:41You know, he froze on our way, actually.
02:43No, no.
02:45Oh, absolutely not.
02:46No, no, no.
02:47No, no, no.
02:48God, no.
02:49What?
02:50Oh, my God, I miss you all so much.
02:52We're here!
03:05Christmas has officially started.
03:07It's off your bones now, please.
03:09Eat your heart out downtown Abbey.
03:11Well, hardly.
03:12It's only 11 acres and a ha-ha.
03:14Why is that funny?
03:15No, a ha-ha is like a giant ditch.
03:18You should know what a ha-ha is.
03:19You're a gardener.
03:20Oh, yeah.
03:21I've seen loads of ha-ha's in ha-ha's.
03:26Oh, look!
03:27She's put the reindeer out for the kids.
03:30Oh, mommy, do you remember when Bomber the Shetland tried to mount one?
03:34God, that was funny.
03:36This is why I don't go to therapy.
03:38Some memories are best repressed.
03:42Here we go, the reindeer.
03:44Okay, come on, let's have a bit of festive cheer.
03:47Guys, off the phones now, please.
03:52Guys?
03:54Guys.
03:55Right, you need those.
03:56Dad just gave us the...
03:57What? That's from dad?
03:57...if you learn nothing from adolescence.
03:59And Anne, this is my Christmas happy place, so please don't be a Debbie Downer.
04:03Okay, everyone.
04:04Here we go.
04:05Ding dong, Merrilee!
04:07Oh, my God, I'm so sorry about all the glass.
04:12You've caught me mid-giblet.
04:15Oh, goodness.
04:16No, not the coach.
04:17Merry Christmas, darling.
04:17Oh, I'm so sorry to spring this on you.
04:19It's been a bit of a disaster.
04:20Is it cool if my mum friend Anne joins us?
04:23Yes, Anne?
04:24Yes.
04:24Oh, Anne, of course.
04:26You look like you need a stiff drink.
04:28Thank you, but no, if I can't be with my family, then what's the point?
04:32Oh, dear girl, come in, come in, come in.
04:34We're just in a divorce, isn't it?
04:36Storm Geraldine.
04:37Storm Geraldine.
04:37Merry Christmas.
04:38Oh, for me?
04:40Wow.
04:40Oh, no, no, no, no, I don't believe it.
04:46No, I won't touch you, I won't touch you.
04:48No, don't touch them.
04:49We'll hug in a moment.
04:49Come in.
04:50Don't touch, don't touch them.
04:52They're gorgeous.
04:53They're gorgeous.
04:54Thank you, Mal.
04:55That's great.
04:56Thanks so much.
04:57Johnny, you didn't tell me you're bringing a lever.
04:59Mal lives in my cellar.
05:00It's not a lever.
05:00No, he just drove us here.
05:02It's all right.
05:03We're making you.
05:04Lord of the merrier.
05:05No, no, no, he's fine.
05:06He has plans.
05:06It's okay.
05:07Have you got plans?
05:08Yeah, I was just going to use your loo if I may before I nip off.
05:10I've got a date with John McLean.
05:12John McLean?
05:12No, fantastic.
05:13You're a homosexual.
05:15It's a diehard reference.
05:16I was going to watch it with a curry.
05:18Oh, God, how ghastly.
05:19You will stay for a pre-prandial.
05:21Come on.
05:22What's a pre-prandial?
05:23It's a posh word for a drink.
05:28Yeah, okay, Pat, can you put Chris back on?
05:30Yeah, so I have an alert set up on my phone for when the flight's reopened.
05:34And if you could just have everyone there checking the internet.
05:37Where should I put my coat down, then?
05:39Oh, keep it on.
05:41This house is bloody freezing.
05:42Isn't it magical?
05:45That's giving hardcore Narnia vibes, right?
05:48I mean, wow.
05:51That's what I call a tree.
05:56Is it plastic?
05:58Oh, my God, she's still got that.
06:01Daddy bought that in the 70s.
06:03Probably the newest thing in this place.
06:05How odd.
06:06I distinctly remember the scent of pine needles.
06:09No, this house smells the way it's always smelled.
06:12Damp.
06:12Dogs.
06:13Desperation.
06:17Now, I've been absolutely dying for you to arrive.
06:21I've got everything here.
06:22We've got some olives over there.
06:23There's this trout pate.
06:25We've got mini quiches, prawn volvois,
06:28and these really fun things from Marks and Spencer's.
06:31Mini burgers.
06:32Have you seen these?
06:33Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no.
06:36We'll have to clean that one up, won't we?
06:40Joni?
06:41Where should I put the pavlova?
06:43Is that Granny Gush's recipe?
06:44Yes, it is, minus the powdered egg.
06:46I thought it might be fun to recreate that famous pudding photo
06:51from that amazing Christmas.
06:53Yes.
06:54I've got it in the oven.
06:55Let me look for the oven.
06:56You'll dig it out.
06:57Everybody dig in.
06:59Flick, deviled egg.
07:00Have a deviled egg.
07:02Flick, deviled egg, egg, flick, deviled egg.
07:04Fine.
07:06I'll have a deviled egg.
07:08I think it's under here somewhere.
07:09Ah, now, where's that famous photo?
07:13Ah.
07:15Ah.
07:17Yes.
07:18Now, look at that.
07:19Look at that.
07:20It is.
07:21Look at Gan Gan.
07:22What a hottie.
07:23Is that you, Mum?
07:25Yeah, that was me pre-blossom,
07:27just on the cusp of discovering clearacil and wonder bras.
07:31Oh, my goodness, look at that.
07:32I'm wearing the same jumper.
07:33Oh, Jo, no, stop.
07:35That's perfect.
07:36I thought it'd be really fun to restage the photo with Manus and George.
07:40So the Hemsworth brothers did one sitting on their mum's lap,
07:43and it pretty much broke the internet.
07:45I remember the Hemsworth brothers.
07:47Hmm?
07:48Hemsworth brothers.
07:49Yes, you stepped out with one.
07:50They had the tractor dealership in Amplice and Peter.
07:53It was the Hemswood brothers.
07:55Hemswood.
07:56Yeah, I slept with all three of them.
07:57Oh, well done you.
07:59And the father.
08:00Mummy.
08:01Oh, Charlie did.
08:02Now, drink your poos.
08:04Oh, damn.
08:06What's that?
08:07Oh, I didn't know.
08:08What's in those ones?
08:09Oh, is that you, Flick?
08:11No one must see those.
08:14Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
08:19What the...
08:20This house is literally freezing.
08:29My family will be back for mass about now.
08:31Do you think Jesus will punish me for missing his birthday?
08:34You know what you need, eh?
08:36Slow gin.
08:37Very good for melancholia.
08:39The night my father died, I drank two bottles as right as rain in the morning.
08:42I suppose I could have a small glass just to steady the nerves
08:46because, um, I don't think I've ever done a Christmas.
08:48Well, my family...
08:49No, no, no, no, no, no, none of that now.
08:51Come on.
08:51Get that down your gullet.
08:56Gah!
08:56Yes, got a kick to it.
08:58Gah!
08:58That's the 1978 vintage, the year you were born.
09:01Oh, actually...
09:02Now, what do the children want?
09:03What can we get for them?
09:04Do you have any prime?
09:05No, no, no.
09:06Prime?
09:07Don't worry, he'll have a Coca-Cola.
09:09I've got a cola.
09:10I've got a can of cola here.
09:11There we go.
09:11Oh, there we go.
09:12Lovely.
09:13Lovely.
09:13Oh, yeah.
09:16Come on.
09:18Oh, I think that's seen better days.
09:21Ludo can have that.
09:21Ludo?
09:22Ludo, Ludo, look what's here.
09:24Look what's here.
09:25Jane.
09:26Oh, no.
09:27For your Christmas present.
09:28Yes, it's just a little bit.
09:29Oh, that's marvellous.
09:31I don't believe it.
09:32That's tremendous of you.
09:34Look at that.
09:36Wow.
09:37Whee!
09:39Oh.
09:40Oh, my goodness.
09:42No, Jane.
09:43It's the bath.
09:44The bath.
09:44Jane.
09:45And I've swallowed it.
09:47I'll have a bath later, darling.
09:49I'll have a bath later.
09:49Didn't I just gift you that?
09:52Yes.
09:53I loved it so much that I went out and bought exactly the same one for Aunt Jane.
10:00I need ice in my whiskey.
10:01You'll find plenty in the toilet.
10:03Now, will you come in here and sit down, please?
10:05Oh, thank you.
10:06I was actually going to hit the road.
10:08Oh, no, no.
10:08We're not having you spending a day alone.
10:10You and Anne are our Christmas guests of honour.
10:12So, sit.
10:13I've got a goose to go and get out of the oven.
10:16I've never been anyone's Christmas guest of honour before.
10:20This is the same one.
10:21I love this.
10:22To Amanda.
10:23I went out and bought exactly the same one for Joan.
10:26But they have to do this good.
10:27I don't know.
10:28Luncheon is served!
10:29Oh, lovely.
10:31Come on.
10:31Oh, those are the photos Ganga doesn't want anyone seeing.
10:35Come on, boys.
10:37No, tell them, yes, it's a larger box,
10:44but it's actually the same value gift
10:46because I'm meant by money spent, not by value.
10:49No devices, please.
10:51I have to go.
10:52OK.
10:54Oh, well, don't sit there.
10:56Sorry, because of the photos.
10:57We need to match the old Pavlova pigs, so, yeah.
10:59Mummy needs to sit there.
11:00Joan's here.
11:01Mummy, you're here.
11:02No, I need a clear line to an exit.
11:04Well, OK.
11:05Well, well, well,
11:06yeah, we can all move around for pudding.
11:10Here it goes.
11:11Goosey, goosey, goosey, go.
11:13Wait, don't stop, stop, stop, stop.
11:14Can you go back in and come back out?
11:15I want to film it.
11:16For the memories.
11:17Just tuck in, tuck in, tuck in.
11:18Just me a sec.
11:19Yes, it's going to be so good.
11:21Anne, could you just lean out because the tear stains?
11:22I just miss my family.
11:24You know, Anne.
11:25Anne.
11:26Yes?
11:27Goosey, goosey, goosey, go.
11:29Ooh, look at that.
11:30Well, let's dig in.
11:31I mean, we've got a side of beef, Yorkshires, a ham and some little piggies and blankets.
11:36Mum, just eat it.
11:37It's Christmas.
11:38Hmm?
11:38What?
11:39I'm vegan.
11:42Oh, shit.
11:43Are you?
11:43It's fine.
11:44I'll just eat the veg.
11:45You won't.
11:46Not just eat the veg.
11:47Not on my watch.
11:48You won't.
11:48I said, well, I'll rustle up a souffle.
11:53Oh, God, Joan.
11:54Do you see what I mean?
11:56It's just too much.
11:58She's just trying to make us all happy, Mummy.
12:01Anne, did you notice the stuffed stoat in the hallway?
12:05No.
12:06No?
12:06Oh, let me show you quickly.
12:08I'm not that into stoats.
12:10Yes, but honestly, I think you'll find this one very interesting.
12:14Oh, sweet.
12:14Yeah, I don't know who told you that I was into stoats, but actually this one is quite unusual.
12:23Okay, listen, forget the stoat.
12:24I just saw some pictures of Felicity I wasn't supposed to see, and now I can't unsee what I saw.
12:29God, they weren't nudies, were they?
12:31No, they're not nudies.
12:32Is anyone wearing a Nazi uniform?
12:34No, there's no knots.
12:36Just look.
12:38Oh, blimey O'Reilly.
12:39Is that Felicity and Sir Mick Jagger?
12:44Yes, it looks like they're on holiday together.
12:46Jesus, he was such a ride back then.
12:48Yeah, it looks like he was riding Felicity.
12:50OMG, is she pregnant?
12:53Yes, and look, it's holding her stomach.
12:56Hmm.
12:57And?
12:58Summer of 77.
13:01Joan just said that Amanda was born in 78.
13:03Uh-huh.
13:04You don't think Sir Mick Jagger is...
13:06Hmm.
13:07No.
13:09No, no, no.
13:10Don't be ridiculous.
13:11I've seen enough episodes of Ally McBeal to know this is all purely circumstantial evidence.
13:15Oh.
13:15Just because it goes a clip-clap doesn't mean it's a zebra.
13:18Guys, come on.
13:20We're back to eat.
13:20I've got to eat.
13:26I've got to eat.
13:27Here we are.
13:28Let me get this on first.
13:30I'll need my glasses on.
13:31Here we go.
13:32Joke.
13:33Why didn't Santa pay for his sleigh?
13:37Why didn't Santa have to pay for his sleigh?
13:39Because it was on the house.
13:41Oh, I get it.
13:44Oh.
13:44That's so bad.
13:45It's actually quite good.
13:46I know another joke.
13:48How do you titillate an ocelot?
13:49I've no idea, Joan.
13:50How do you titillate an ocelot?
13:52You oscillate its tits a lot.
13:54That's crazy.
13:56Oh, dear.
13:57Not like she bloody wrote it.
13:59Come on, Flick.
13:59Your turn.
14:00Oh.
14:00Here we go.
14:02Woo!
14:02Mummy!
14:04Mummy, put the hat on.
14:04You'll need it for the pavlova photo.
14:06No, I don't do paper hats.
14:07Flick, do the joke.
14:08Where's the joke?
14:08I don't do jokes.
14:09Come on, Mummy.
14:10It's Christmas.
14:11Come on, Flick.
14:12Flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick.
14:16Do the joke.
14:17Do the joke.
14:17Do the joke.
14:19Whee!
14:20Come on.
14:22What is the coldest country in the world?
14:24I don't know.
14:25What is the coldest country in the world?
14:29Russia.
14:33Oh, I think you're reading the trivia there, Felicity.
14:39Oh, Mummy.
14:40Where are you going, Mummy?
14:41We haven't done the photo.
14:43I'm going to watch the king's speech.
14:44Oh, is it that time?
14:46Oh, I love the king's speech.
14:48Brilliant.
14:48Everyone fill a glass.
14:50Let's go and sit soft.
14:51We could do the pavlova we're after.
14:53Flick.
14:53Flick.
14:54Wait for us.
14:55Wait for us.
14:56We're soon.
14:57Yes, yes, yes, yes.
14:59Oh, I love the king's speech.
15:01Send him victorious, happy and glorious.
15:11Love to reign over us.
15:16God save the king.
15:20Whee!
15:22Very good.
15:23Very good.
15:24Hold on.
15:25Oh, and me.
15:27There we go.
15:28I have to say, this is the most delicious cav I've ever drank.
15:30Darling, it's not carfers champagne.
15:33Real champagne?
15:34Yes.
15:35From France?
15:35Yes.
15:36I've never had French champagne from France.
15:39Oh, silly.
15:40Stop fussing.
15:41I can't see the tone of the...
15:41Eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes.
15:44I think Joan is lovely.
15:47Classic Stockholm syndrome.
15:49Are you a big fan of the royal family, Felicity?
15:52Oh, I've met a few of them.
15:53Miller's a laugh.
15:54I've probably met a few members of the rock royal family in your time.
15:59Well, I once lived next door but one to Christoburg.
16:02Oh, right, Pavlovata!
16:05Oh, finally!
16:06Get the camera.
16:06I don't want Pavlova.
16:08Mummy, you can't always get what you want.
16:13Actually, I can't think of food for a bit, Amanda.
16:15I overdid it on the parsnips.
16:16You don't have to eat it.
16:17It's just a photo.
16:18Oh, I know what we'll do.
16:20We'll have a parlour game while we all digest.
16:22Who'd like a round of Are You There, Moriarty?
16:24I don't know what that is.
16:25Well, what about Ho-ha-hee?
16:28Do you know that one?
16:28Or The Minister's Cat.
16:29Do you know that one?
16:30No, I don't know that one.
16:30Pass the slipper.
16:32No.
16:32Fan the candle.
16:33You must know hot cockles.
16:34Hot cockles!
16:35What else have we got?
16:37Elephants' foot?
16:37For God's sake, why don't we just play hide-and-seek?
16:41Oh, that's a terrific idea.
16:42It is so much fun.
16:43Well done, that girl.
16:45I'll count 50.
16:46Off you go.
16:47Off you go.
16:48And then after this, we'll do the pub level.
16:49Right, I'll start now.
16:50Come on.
16:51One.
16:51Two.
16:52I've started.
16:53Two.
16:54I've started.
16:54Three.
16:56Four.
16:57Four.
16:57You better hurry.
16:59Five.
17:00Six.
17:01Seven.
17:02Eight.
17:03Nine.
17:04Ten.
17:05I know, Chris, but I don't know what you expect me to do about this.
17:11I can't make a put on a shoe.
17:13I'm 300 miles away.
17:15Look, I really have to go.
17:19Bloody hell.
17:21Other people's Christmases are mental.
17:24When are we going to tell her?
17:25What?
17:26Absolutely never.
17:27It's not our family secret, so we're going to forget we ever saw those photos.
17:30But we did see those photos, Mal.
17:32And I really think Amanda deserves to know.
17:34What do I deserve to know?
17:37What the hell?
17:38You're hiding.
17:39Yeah.
17:39We're playing hide and seek.
17:41What do I deserve to know?
17:44Ask Mal.
17:44Oh, thanks, Anne.
17:45Will someone tell me what's going on?
17:47Sure, the photos.
17:54Are these pictures of my mum on holiday?
17:59What's the big deal?
18:00Look who she's with.
18:02Is that Mick Jagger?
18:03Mummy, you?
18:05Minx.
18:06Sitting on Mick's lap.
18:07I sat on Prince Harry's lap when I was in Mahiki once.
18:10Did I get a mention in the book?
18:12Oh, my God.
18:14She's pregnant.
18:16That's hardly a secret.
18:17Keep looking.
18:21She's smoking.
18:22No, no, no.
18:24Look at the date on the back of the folder.
18:25Okay.
18:26Look who's holding the bump.
18:28No.
18:29No way.
18:30No way.
18:32It's my brother.
18:39Quick, hide it.
18:41Oh, Jesus.
18:41Oh, okay.
18:42Shh, shh, shh, shh.
18:43Oh, gosh.
18:44Fuck.
18:45Oh, my God.
18:45Yeah.
18:46Is that an ear in company?
18:48Okay.
18:48Oh, my God.
18:50It's probably quite close.
18:53It's probably quite close.
18:54Oh, God.
18:58It's so weird, isn't it?
19:23When you look at us together, Mal, look.
19:25Mal, look.
19:27Mal.
19:28Can you open that door, please?
19:29I need some air.
19:30This is insane.
19:32I mean, it's a shock, but it's also not a shock, you know, because it explains a lot.
19:37I mean, I wonder if the man I thought was my father ever knew the truth.
19:42Poor Daddy.
19:42Well, this must be why my parents divorced.
19:46Shh.
19:48Maybe Joan told them that must be why we never see Joan.
19:52That sounds about right.
19:54Can you just put my sleeve, please, so I can't get some layers off.
19:59Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, come in.
20:04Where are you?
20:06Oh, my God, it's locked.
20:10Can't get under there.
20:20Hoist by your own petard there, Anne, I think.
20:23Oh, my goodness.
20:24My system's not used to champagne.
20:26No.
20:27Come on, more to find.
20:32I've got a present now.
20:34Yeah.
20:34I'll give you another little slifter.
20:43Oh, oh, gotcha.
20:45Oh, please don't tell, Mum.
20:47I won't if you won't.
20:49Shh.
20:52Oh, upstairs.
20:55I'm on my way.
20:59Oh, I fainted, I fainted.
21:01Oh, ding dong.
21:03Well, Christmas comes once a year.
21:05Do you know, I knew you two were love birds.
21:07We not.
21:08He just drove us here.
21:09I was so worried I had to take some clothes off.
21:13Cats have the bag, Joanie.
21:15I've seen the photos.
21:16Oh.
21:17Yeah.
21:19Spill the tea.
21:21Right.
21:21Well, I suppose it's only a matter of time, but listen, you're going to have to speak to your mother about those.
21:26Who is she?
21:27I'm buggered if I know, because I've searched the whole house.
21:30Oh, darling, who's staying with your paramount?
21:31Have you finished?
21:32Finished.
21:32Stop, Joanne.
21:33Can I have some water, please?
21:38Mommy!
21:42Right, okay, let's split up.
21:44I'll take the lawn.
21:45Joanne, you do the meadow.
21:47The meadow.
21:47And, um, Anne, you and the kids check the drive.
21:50Okay.
21:53Felicity!
21:55Ganga!
21:57Would you look at this, huh?
21:59Felicity!
22:00Christmas night.
22:02I'd still be doing the washing up at home if I was there right now.
22:05Yeah.
22:05Not standing here.
22:08Looking at the stars.
22:11Sorry, hang on, sorry.
22:12Oh, God.
22:14Oh, Grace.
22:16What?
22:17There's a flight out of Heathrow tonight.
22:19Well, that's good news, isn't it?
22:21Yeah.
22:22Great air, great.
22:24Yes.
22:25Um, all I have to do now is just, um, click this link to confirm.
22:32Oh, no, would you look at that?
22:34My phone's off to running out of battery.
22:35Oh, no, what a shame.
22:38Um, just guess it wasn't meant to be, huh?
22:41What a bummer.
22:44Just got to end up staying here.
22:47Yeah.
22:47Hey, do you know what?
22:49I'm gonna go for a walk.
22:52Yeah.
22:53Felicity!
22:56Yeah, this is just, it's better than cover.
23:00Felicity!
23:00Felicity!
23:00According to Wikipedia, I have eight brothers and sisters.
23:04Jay Jagger came in once when I was at Quo Vadis.
23:11I wonder, did she know?
23:13Felicity!
23:15It's mad.
23:16I think I could be spending next Christmas with them in Turks and Caicos.
23:19Ah!
23:20Whoa!
23:21Amanda!
23:22Ow!
23:22I just fell in the ha-ha!
23:26Ha-ha!
23:26You all right?
23:27Yes!
23:28I am all right, Mal.
23:30Why are you laughing?
23:31You fell in the ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
23:33Who falls in a ha-ha?
23:34Stop!
23:35It's not funny!
23:36You fell in a ha-ha!
23:38Come on!
23:39Get up!
23:40Oh, Amanda!
23:42I'm so sorry!
23:43Oh, my God!
23:44Oh, you know what?
23:45Thank you so much for today.
23:48Really.
23:49It beats lying on a couch with a curry and horse today.
23:58Is that Jane's dog?
24:00Mummy?
24:02Mummy!
24:04Felicity!
24:04Felicity!
24:06I don't know.
24:07What?
24:09Ludo, wait, wait.
24:12Ludo!
24:13Huh?
24:15Oh.
24:17What did you say?
24:22Aha.
24:27Very away in a manger.
24:29Ah.
24:30I knew it was too good to last.
24:32Well, you're the last one to be found, so...
24:33That makes you the winner!
24:35Yes, bravo, that girl.
24:36I tell you what.
24:37I could do you a big scoop of the Stilton and I'll crack open a bottle of port.
24:41Stop.
24:41You don't have to have port.
24:42Just stop talking, please.
24:44It's too much.
24:45It's Christmas.
24:46It's supposed to be too much.
24:47No, you're too much.
24:48All this joie de vivre and endless glee and everything.
24:51It's just...
24:51It's just...
24:52Just stop.
24:53Please.
24:56Okay.
25:00Stop.
25:00Please don't cry.
25:08I'm not crying.
25:09Come on, Joanie.
25:11This is what happens when you stop.
25:13The old black dog creeps in and...
25:16Oh, come on.
25:16Put yourself together.
25:17Put yourself together, Joanie.
25:18Why are you being like this?
25:21Well, because of you, Flick.
25:23What nonsense.
25:24Do you remember what they used to call us on that ghastly old debutante circuit?
25:29Mm-hmm.
25:30Great hair and the spare.
25:34Oh.
25:34Actually, that's all the good.
25:35Yeah, it's all about the beautiful Felicity Wyndham.
25:38And I was just the podgy little sister.
25:41So I decided to be the life and soul of the party.
25:45Hostess with the mostess.
25:46The last one standing at the barn dance.
25:48And I can tell you something.
25:51After 60 bloody years, it's exhausting.
25:57Why didn't you ever see anything before?
25:59Oh.
26:01Well, it took Amanda to twist your arm to get you down here.
26:03Mummy?
26:04Oh, it's her.
26:05Oh.
26:06Oh, yeah.
26:06Yes, we're here.
26:07We're here.
26:08Hello.
26:12There she is.
26:14You know, I've spent the whole day trying to recreate the perfect family Christmas.
26:20But it turns out my whole life has been a lie.
26:25For God's sake, Amanda, stop being so melodramatic.
26:27Look, let's go inside and do your moment with the pavlovas.
26:30Yes.
26:30No, Mummy.
26:32I know your secret.
26:34And I know Joan knows.
26:35And that's why you didn't want to come here.
26:37Because you were worried she'd spill the beans.
26:40What is she talking about?
26:46Mummy.
26:47I've seen the photos.
26:49I have in my hand the proof.
26:55I'm Sir Mick Jagger's love child.
27:02What?
27:04Give this to me.
27:05Give this to me.
27:06Give this to me.
27:06Give this to me.
27:07No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
27:10That's not Mick Jagger.
27:12That's our cousin Rosamund.
27:14Oh, God.
27:15She was rather Jagger-esque, don't you think?
27:17Look, with the slim hips and everything.
27:18Oh, my God.
27:19Did you get her round robin this year?
27:20They had to put down Pinky.
27:22Oh, no.
27:22OK, so if Mick Jagger isn't holding your pregnant belly, then what is the big deal?
27:26Why didn't you want anyone to see them?
27:29Look, the thing is, I wasn't pregnant in this photograph.
27:31I was fat.
27:34What?
27:35It was the 70s.
27:36I'd just discovered Black Forest Gatto.
27:40And that's our big family secret, that you were once fat for a summer?
27:45Yes.
27:47Though your father rather liked it.
27:49And you were conceived on that holiday.
27:52Oh, God.
27:56I just sent George May Jagger a DM.
27:58Can we, uh, get back on your feet, I'm freezing.
28:06What was she thinking?
28:08Oh, sorry, Joanie.
28:09Oh, it's all right.
28:10It's all right, honestly.
28:12Merry Christmas.
28:15If it's any consolation, I always felt that Ma and Pa loved you more than they loved me.
28:20Oh, huh.
28:22I'd have swapped that any day for a go on a Hemsworth brother.
28:25Ooh.
28:26Is that singing?
28:31Yes, it's Anne.
28:41She's falling in the ha-ha.
28:43She'll be fine.
28:45Come on.
28:45And then John McClane ties this hosepipe around his waist
28:51because he thinks the guy in the helicopter's going to shoot him.
28:54So he's got no way out.
28:55So he ties himself in nice and tight.
28:57Is he topless?
28:58No, no, no.
28:59But by this point, he's down to his vest.
29:01How is this a Christmas film?
29:04What?
29:05You all right?
29:05Of course it's a Christmas film.
29:07Anyway, just a helicopter.
29:09I'm sorry Mick Jagger wasn't your father.
29:11I just thought that I was special.
29:18You are special.
29:21Of what it's worth.
29:26I'm sorry you didn't get to sleep with a rolling stone.
29:28Well, I did sleep with Mick once or twice back in the day,
29:31but not in a way that you would get pregnant.
29:34Right, everyone, we're going to do Amanda's photo.
29:37Oh, Mummy.
29:38What?
29:38Really?
29:39Shall I get the pavlova?
29:40You're all right.
29:41I mean, I could take the pavlova.
29:42No, guys, you're all in it.
29:44Come on.
29:44There we go.
29:45Everyone ready?
29:46Yeah.
29:47Yeah, I'll just do the timer.
29:48Hang on.
29:49Oh, no, no.
29:50There's a girl that likes a pudding.
30:20There's a girl that likes a pudding.
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