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00:00Ferocious fights, stingy castles, daring knights
00:02Horrors that did by description
00:03Cutthroat cults or cruel egyptians
00:05Vicious vikings, cruel crimes
00:06Punished perforation dives
00:07Roman rotten rag and rootless
00:09Cavemen savage, beers and tubeless
00:10Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
00:11Mean and Muslim middle-aged
00:13Gory stories, we do that
00:15And your host, a talking rat
00:18The past is no longer a mystery
00:21Welcome to...
00:22Horrible Histories
00:25Horrible Histories presents...
00:29Boots, Barbie Battles Special
00:31Is the coast clear?
00:37Oh, that looked nasty
00:39My brothers and sisters and I are in the middle of an epic battle
00:42One of our classic ratty pillow fights
00:45Incoming!
00:48It all started when my sisters invaded my brother's bedroom
00:52That's how real wars sometimes start too
00:54One nation invades another country
00:56And tries to take it over
00:58Of course, some of history's invasions went better than others
01:01Chuck!
01:04It started with the Spanish Armada
01:08That huge amount of ships that we sent against the English
01:11I think we made them mad
01:13It did
01:14It made them so mad
01:16It led to...
01:18The lesser known Armada
01:19Try and invade us, will you, Spain?
01:22Right now, it's payment time
01:24So Francis Drake
01:27Your march
01:28Unleash
01:29The English Armada
01:32You had me unleash the aim
01:36The English Armada
01:40Led by Francis Drake
01:42Aboard his ship, Revenge
01:44180 ships
01:45Tens of thousands of soldiers
01:48We shall destroy the Spanish fleet
01:50Attack!
01:51No fleet could match them
01:53Wait!
01:54Instead of their fleet of ships
01:57Let's attack the Spanish city of CoruƱa
02:00But attacking a well defended city instead of a fleet
02:03Might not go as well
02:05I wonder if they've conquered Spain yet
02:08Hmm
02:09Okay
02:11Might take a bit longer than I thought
02:13Longer?
02:14The winds are blowing in the wrong direction
02:16The men are dying of salvation and sickness
02:18What are you complaining about?
02:19We've still got 5,000 men
02:21Yes, but we started out with tens of thousands of men
02:24That's not ideal
02:26The English Armada
02:28The one you've maybe not heard of
02:30And coming soon
02:32You know the English Armada we sent against the Spanish
02:35Because of the Spanish Armada they sent against us
02:37Well I think they may be planning revenge
02:40No
02:41Yes
02:42Another Spanish Armada
02:45The Spanish Armada 2
02:47Armada Harder
02:50I'm beginning to think Armadas might be overrated
02:55Me and my brothers are losing the battle
02:57So we've turned our bedrooms into a fort
02:59We've built barriers at every entrance
03:01So our sisters can't attack us
03:03We are totally safe
03:08Battles are hard
03:09And it's not just the landscapes that are a problem
03:12Take it down you lot
03:14Sorry mum
03:15Sometimes the people are the problem
03:17William the Conqueror found that out
03:19After he killed King Harold at the Battle of Hastings
03:22He came up against a particularly tricky opponent
03:25Harold's mum
03:27Mum
03:33Hello
03:34I am King William of England
03:37I know you're in there
03:40We're not scared of you William
03:42Guys seriously
03:43I am not okay about this rebellion
03:46I just conquered you
03:48I'm so peeved
03:50I literally just poked this guy's eyes out
03:52There was a whole battle near Hastings remember
03:56My rival King Harold and all his brothers were killed or captured
04:01I mean there is literally no one else from the royal family left to lead you
04:08Move it sunshine
04:12Cooey
04:16Oh for crying out loud look who it is
04:18Yeah what if you hadn't poked my eyes out
04:20Oh sorry yeah
04:21It's the old King Harold's mum Geetha
04:23Oh?
04:24Yeah you forgot about mummy didn't ya?
04:30Yeah
04:31Look it would be better for everybody if we ended all this rivalry and you just surrendered
04:37So what do you say?
04:40Why's it all gone quiet?
04:42Hang on something's happening
04:44Oh I think he's getting his bum out
04:46Oh yeah
04:47But why?
04:48Don't worry about it your majesty
04:51Everyone does it when they get nervous
04:53That wasn't me it was them
04:55Oh sure it was
04:56That's our answer
05:00The sound of a movers rage
05:06And by the smell of it
05:10Cabbage
05:13Oh gosh that is strong
05:16Maybe you should go and change your chainmail
05:19It wasn't me
05:20Do you want me to poke something else out?
05:22Yeah can you start with my nose?
05:23Hit him again
05:26I know you have them surrounded but maybe it's time we were treated
05:30Yeah it stinks
05:32That's right
05:34Fear our power
05:37And smell it too
05:40Oh I could smell that one from France
05:43We'll be back
05:44Right that's enough
05:47It's been 90 years since Caesar failed to conquer Britain
05:54Rome as a new emperor determined to finish the job
05:58It's gonna take one tough toga wearer to risk everything in this hellhole
06:03I'm emperor Claudius and this is extreme survival
06:07Step one
06:09Defense
06:10You're on an island filled with bloodthirsty warriors and druids
06:15Staying alive through the night is going to be a challenge
06:18You're going to need protection
06:19And you're going to need it fast
06:21Look around you
06:22What do you see?
06:23Nothing but trees and dirt
06:25But trees and dirt
06:26With training and basic tools can become a fortress
06:29A fortress can keep you alive
06:32When everybody around you wants you dead
06:35But what I like to do is
06:37Stay 900 miles away in a row
06:39And let my general Paulinus and the army do the hard work
06:44When you're faced with that
06:46Being somewhere completely different is a very effective way of staying alive
06:50Step two
06:53Stop rebellions
06:54You've finally arrived in Great Britain because the war has already been won
06:57But now you have to win at a peace
06:59And these locals will rebel at the drop of a helmet
07:01You need to be prepared and that means using what's around you
07:04Look around you what do you see?
07:06A stone can be used as a missile
07:09And wood is good for keeping the fire going at night
07:13Staying well lit and armed is vitally important in a hostile situation
07:17But what I like to do is bring an elephant
07:20It's unlikely the locals would have seen an elephant
07:24What's around they'll say?
07:26And I'll say that's an elephant
07:28And they'll say cool
07:29I've never seen one of those
07:30Let's not rebel
07:31Probably
07:32Who cares?
07:33I've got an elephant
07:34I love it when they do that
07:36Extreme elephant
07:38Step three
07:40Conquer more of the island
07:41So you're safer from attack
07:42You've secured the southeast
07:44But it's gonna take years
07:46To spread your rule across this new and dangerous island
07:49You've got decades of hard work and danger ahead of you
07:52But what I like to do is
07:54Go home after sixteen days
07:56Let the army do the rest
07:58Going home to Rome seriously reduces your chances of being killed abroad
08:02And that's
08:04Extreme survival
08:06Let's bounce
08:08I forgot my elephant
08:14Now Jim
08:18In precisely one minute's time
08:20We're going to march
08:21As British soldiers
08:22Fighting for the East India Company
08:24Into battle
08:25At Syringapatta
08:26How do you like that?
08:27Any chance we can do it tomorrow, Colonel?
08:28Of course
08:29No, we cannot do it tomorrow
08:31We're doing it today
08:32Can we have this conversation in the shade, sir?
08:34I think my hat has caught my head
08:36No, we cannot talk in the shade
08:38A British soldier stands where he must
08:41Be that under fire
08:42In the ice
08:43Or in the sun
08:44Is that understood?
08:46He must be very strong
08:49I think their leader just killed a man with his finger
08:52Why are the British wearing such ridiculously hot and thick uniforms?
08:57You know, marching to someone else's country killing anyone who resists
09:01The least you can do is dress appropriately
09:03We're struggling with the sun, sir
09:05I mean, we all are
09:06We're not used to it
09:07All the fevers
09:08All the water
09:09All the food
09:10Oh, sorry, I've got a dysentery, sir
09:12Alright, hey, oh, oh, oh
09:14That was a close one
09:15I don't care if it's a bit hot
09:18I don't care if you've got a runny bottom
09:21I don't care if anyone's got a little bit of fever
09:26Ah, lemons
09:27Badgers
09:28Soup fairies
09:29That's just fever
09:30He's seeing things
09:31Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
09:33Promise I'm trying to keep him in
09:35Can you hear gunfire?
09:37I think some of them soldiers are dropping bottom bombs
09:40They can't handle food with flavour
09:41It goes straight through them
09:42It is a mystery why they keep stealing food from us
09:45When they finally leave
09:47It is going to take an age to clean up after them
09:49And to rebuild all the cities they've burned
09:51You lot are a disgrace
09:53Now, you need to be ready to march
09:55I am standing dead still and flexing my bum
09:58If I march
10:00There's going to be carnage
10:02Perhaps you'd like to be excused from battle today
10:04Thank you, thank you
10:05Thank you
10:06You shower of toilets
10:09The British Empire covers one-sixth of the world's land
10:12The British soldiers are feared around the globe
10:15Do you really think a bit of heat gut-churning is going to stop us?
10:19Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
10:24That might slow down, actually
10:25Get any new uniform?
10:28I just can't believe we're losing this war to these guys
10:31They'll go out eventually
10:32They'll have to
10:33They'll run out of underwear
10:34We all know the first rule of pillow fights, pillows only.
10:41But if we're going to defeat my sisters, I'm going to have to get a bit more creative.
10:45So, I've emptied the feathers out of this one and put my mate, Freddy the Frog, inside.
10:50Ratilda's scared of frogs.
10:55Unfortunately, Freddy's scared of Ratilda too.
10:58Come on, she's not that scary.
11:00I guess new weapons for battle are bound to have teething problems.
11:04Just ask this lot.
11:09Sire, I think you'll be impressed.
11:11I've invented a new weapon that will revolutionize hunting.
11:14Oh, exciting.
11:15I started with a small, sharpened piece of bone.
11:18But that is tiny.
11:19We'll never catch a line with this.
11:21Look.
11:22Did that hurt?
11:24Well, a little bit.
11:25No, it didn't.
11:26Okay, but I hadn't finished.
11:27You see, next, I glued it to the end of a piece of wood.
11:30Ah, you're wasting your time.
11:32Look, this is the smallest spear I've ever seen.
11:34He'll never catch a vicious piece with his child's toy.
11:36Look.
11:37Did that hurt?
11:38It hurt quite a lot, actually.
11:40No, again.
11:41What if I said I could hurl this tiny spear a vast distance and hit a target using this?
11:46Interesting.
11:47Let me have a go.
11:49Hmm.
11:50Ah, useless.
11:51This will never catch a leopard.
11:52I wouldn't be so sure.
11:53Watch me, sire.
11:54Ooh, impressive.
11:55So hold it like this.
11:56Right.
11:57Ow!
11:58Sire!
11:59I would have hit the target if he didn't get in the way.
12:00Let me have another go.
12:01I think I'll stand over here.
12:02Achie, achie, achie.
12:03Achie, achie.
12:04Achie.
12:05Achie.
12:06Achie.
12:07Achie.
12:08Achie.
12:09Ah!
12:10Oh!
12:11Oh!
12:12Sire!
12:13I would have hit the target if he didn't get in the way.
12:14Let me have another go.
12:15I...I think I'll stand over here.
12:16Achie, achie!
12:17Achie, achie!
12:18Achie, achie!
12:19Achie!
12:20Achie!
12:21Achie, achie!
12:22Achie!
12:23Oh!
12:24Oh!
12:25Oh!
12:26It's broken.
12:27Ah!
12:28Try again but round the other way.
12:29The other way, oh!
12:30Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
12:31I mean the ball round the other way.
12:41Yes.
12:42No, no, no, no, I'm getting out of here.
12:49Look, it's bound to take a bit of getting used to it.
12:52A bit.
12:53I'm pretty sure I'm getting the hang of this now.
12:55Please, please, please, please, please, please.
12:58You did it!
13:00Amazing.
13:03You have invented a tool that can fire small spears.
13:06I call it a bowl and arrow.
13:09The bowl and arrow.
13:12Actually, the other way, but it doesn't matter.
13:17Blue man, blue man, the living toilet who ran from the Middle Ages
13:21with a bucket so that you can have a pool in a private place.
13:26Sitting on my bucket with a cane to hide your face.
13:29And bum, and when you're done, I won't try suspending if you did until I won.
13:35Blue man!
13:36Blue man!
13:39Oh!
13:40Nine!
13:41Nine!
13:41Oh!
13:42Oh!
13:42Greetings, friend.
13:44Who are you and what are you doing on my U-boat?
13:46I am Blue man, the living lavatory.
13:49And you look like a man who needs the little U-boat captain's room.
13:54Yes, I do.
13:55Well, then, I would like to apply for the jobies.
13:59We have a toilet.
14:00I'm meeting the engineers there now.
14:02Engineer?
14:03Yeah.
14:04Flashing the boat's toilet is very complex, but only a specially trained person can do it.
14:09I'm intrigued.
14:10It is ready for you, Captain.
14:12Oh, thank goodness.
14:15Oh, torpedoes ahead!
14:18Oh, there we go.
14:20Tell me, mind fine, do you call them the captain's logs?
14:24Oh, this is the best!
14:25Sorry, Lou man, a pleasure to meet a fellow Poo-fessional.
14:29Oh!
14:30Feel better?
14:31Oh, yes.
14:33I'd give it frumpf, if I were you.
14:35Yes, Captain.
14:36You may flush when ready, Engineer.
14:38All right.
14:39All right.
14:41Oh, hello.
14:42Goodness, yeah, my set-up's a lot simpler than yours if you want me to take you through it.
14:47Nein, danke.
14:48Please do not disturb me.
14:50I must turn these levers and valves in exactly the right order.
14:54Otherwise, the seawater will flood into the vessel.
14:58OK, yeah.
14:59Cool.
15:00Out of interest, how many buckets' worth of bum blackverse is this baby stored?
15:06Well, actually, this sub does not store its poop.
15:09Instead, we fire turd beetles into the ocean with compressed air.
15:13Oh, love it!
15:15Hello!
15:16What's happened?
15:17Has he done a floater?
15:18Oh, no.
15:19I've inputted the wrong sequence.
15:21The toilet is empty.
15:23The toilet is filling up with sea warts and the captain's logs.
15:26Oh, you do call them the captain's logs in?
15:28Captain, the toilet switch has leaked into the ship's batteries and the sub is filling
15:32with poisonous gas.
15:33We must surface an abandoned ship.
15:35Abandon ship?
15:36Code Brown!
15:37Abandon ship!
15:38Abandon ship!
15:39Abandon ship!
15:40Abandon ship!
15:59missiles pilot but who would be stupid enough to pilot a missile that was going to explode
16:04gentlemen meet your new pilot
16:08you want a pigeon to fly the bomb of course not
16:19I want three pigeons to fly the bomb gentlemen each pigeon
16:25harness inside the missile has been trained to peck at the target when they see
16:29this pecking transmits a signal via the bird's beak which controls the bomb's tail fins and directs it
16:37towards the target oh no you've destroyed my nazi battleship who'd have suspected a pigeon
16:44oh somebody give skinner a promotion are we being pranked do you want us to entrust the war to
16:50birds these are no ordinary birds sir my pigeons are graduates of the skinner school of aviation
16:57you created a flying school for pigeons well they're not going to train themselves are they
17:03who is this guy let me show you something
17:06what are you doing a demonstration sir each pigeon has been trained to ignore the distractions of war
17:14my eyes my eyes see it didn't even flinch thank you dr skinner we have heard enough i'm sorry to
17:24disappoint you but it's a terrible idea i'm sure implementing your pigeon plan would have been a
17:30real coup and i don't want you to get in a flat but it's time for you and your pigeons to take off
17:39hey where'd that pigeon go i told you they were trained to hit enemy targets
17:47being in a battle is exhausting thankfully mummus has brought me a cheese sandwich to keep me going
17:55i think she might be supplying the enemy too girls sandwiches are ready pick a side mummus
18:02i shouldn't be surprised though mums have been helping their children in battle throughout history
18:07although i'm glad my mum isn't a spartan one spartan soldiers are some of the toughest in the world
18:15the only thing tougher than them come on you maggots are their mums get up sit up
18:22this is spartan mums are you tough enough i'm on tell me something do you want to be in the spartan army
18:32yes mommy yes mommy what did you say yes mommy drop down and give me 300
18:37they're good boys but they need to grow a spine i mean they're spartans they need to learn to be as
18:44tough as their mothers and believe me we need to be tough to raise sons as tough as spartans
18:49can i get up now did i say you could speak sorry mommy i meant to send you pathetic babies out to fight
18:56for us do you want to go to battle or will you come running home to your mummy no mommy no mommy
19:02a coward i should have left you outside on the hill like your other brother what other brother
19:07exactly what mommy wants mommy gets or you don't attention let me look at you oh you don't want us
19:19to get naked again do you that is the best way to assess your physical fitness that's no not this time
19:25oh that's a shame i'll be working on my abs
19:34these are your shields you carry them into battle you return with them or on them oh like a sledge
19:41oh like a stretcher dead dummy shame about the sledge that sounded fun oh i weed i weed i'm sorry mommy
19:52oh can't do this you are a disgrace the three grueling weeks are over and this is the end of the
20:04beginning of their training which will last for many years to come i want my mommy
20:10oh goddamus i know drop i give you three hundred one two two and a half oh it hurts mommy
20:19even count me that one dearest edward mummy here i do hope this letter finds you well despite this silly
20:28civil war not much to report from here at home apart from missing you and daddy of course i do feel so
20:37safe with our own soldiers here to protect us lady holly siege siege we're under attack carry our
20:44positions men we will not let our home fall defend her at all i do hope you are looking after daddy
20:53i'm so proud of you both for defending our puritan values against the royalist scum as some mean people
21:02like to call them the bells the bells the bells they're taking your bells not on my watch hit them with
21:08everything we've got oh i've been hit oh cake
21:16i was going to send you a cake to make you think of herbs
21:33eat musket balls losers i prefer the cake
21:37they seem to have run out of cake love and snuggles mommy we did it we did it they're retreating
21:48who's the mummy it's me it's me right be a laugh and then sneak this past the enemy would you move move
21:57move i don't know how long we can keep this battle going i'm exhausted also we're running out of
22:06pillows we've only got three left we've only got two left luckily people in history have had all sorts
22:14of inventive ways to stop war and find peace and one of the more surprising ways is marriage that one was
22:24my favorite they say there is a wafer thin line between love and eight so is it any wonder that
22:34when two warring rivals look for peace it is l'amour that shows the way pharaoh ramesses the second is
22:42looking for love or an end to war one of the two i hope i like her oh i hope my wives like as well
22:50huh hey do people normally bring their wives on dates serious question you don't mind do you
22:56yeah she's all right okay
23:00his date is the eldest daughter of the king of the hittites
23:04you must be ramesses the second my name is i don't care what your name is i'ma call you
23:09mafonaphora it means she who beholds the falcon that is the visible splendor of ra
23:18yeah right i'm with you with names is he allowed to do that i mean i know he's a pharaoh and i've
23:23heard he can do whatever he likes but is he literally allowed to change my name things are
23:27off to a bad start because while ramesses is pharaoh of the upper nile he's on this occasion also king of
23:33the utter vile all right you need some oil babes no thanks babe apologies my bad you need some oil babes
23:40yeah who's like no stop what are you doing the oil is there to banish the netherworld and keep you
23:47safe from evil you're welcome i know that ditch in this state could restart a war between our kingdoms
23:52but right now that seems like a price worth paying hey hey look look we both know that our marriage
23:58it's just there to keep the peace but look let's just put all of that aside yeah let's just talk
24:04about our hopes and our dreams i'd like that so how much am i getting huh think a world peace think
24:13a world peace it's called a dowry the dad has to give me a load of stuff when i marry her oh it's
24:18a standard thing at regular weddings let alone ones being arranged to end the war ain't that right
24:22i got bear coins off of these luck so i get the gold yeah silver the slaves the horses the cows
24:30is that all and me of course yeah of course how can i forget that that's mad i'm gonna put you
24:38down under the horses and they say romance is dead so do you think you'll see each other again
24:44sure i mean we'll have to innit if we don't get married then the war between our rival kingdoms may
24:51well start up again right i ain't got no choice the words every brad longs to hear don't worry babes
24:57we'll look after you there you go wives let's go just ignore him you do yeah yeah i'll catch you
25:07back at the palace yeah you know i might have to be back next week because five wives ain't enough you
25:13know what i mean ah you know i'll say the dust has settled on our final battle we all decided to
25:23put aside the pillows of war and lead a peaceful life because dad has said if we didn't he'd sell
25:30the telly yes war is never the answer unless the question is three letter word beginning with w
25:37english civil what of course in the english civil war oliver cromwell's motto was peace through war
25:44but my dad says that's nonsense and he might be right things didn't work out so well for cromwell
25:49civil war
25:54what was it good for monarchy abolished
26:05royalty demolished
26:08once we'd won and charles lost his head we became a commonwealth instead my new model army fought for
26:14the cause i crushed rebellion and report laws this old parliament became lord protector like a king
26:20but without a crown of scepter protectorate was now what we were called with a jolly little motto
26:25peace through war
26:27what was it good for monarchy disbanded
26:38civil war
26:40what was it good for
26:40high power expanded
26:43cut england and wales it's twelve little bits it didn't work out had to pull that quiz
26:48thought making me king would be the solution but i stayed law protector with a new constitution
26:52didn't last long death was my fate
26:54some sun and air stepping up to the plate it was a tough act to follow the great dictator
26:59the army forced me out a year later
27:01civil war
27:04what was it good for monarchy diminished
27:10civil war
27:13what was it good for i thought we were finished
27:18but all the while i'd been in exile
27:22banished from my home nation
27:27then i got the call they'd had enough of war and so began the restoration
27:36i've pardoned crimes from civil war times i'm back what's not to love
27:40well they dug me up cut me up and put my head on a spine
27:45civil war
27:48who was it good for don't get me started
27:54civil war
27:57who was it good for
27:59right now where's the party
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