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The 2 Johnnies Late Night Lock In
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FunTranscript
00:00Oh
00:24Me to the best of the two Johnny's late night lock-in
00:30Now there are so many great moments from the last series who can forget Margot Robbie giving Johnny B a piggyback
00:39Ah the time we bet Ronaldo on headers and volleys
00:42Yeah Taylor Swift and Sabrina Carpenter remember they did that acoustic version of the guy that scammed the rat
00:46That's right
00:48But it tells you just how good tonight's show is cause none of them made the highlight reel
00:55All right, let's take a look at what didn't make the call roll that tail
01:00Now it's time to find out who's in the bar
01:07Who's in the bar?
01:09Don't know how I learned how to do this, but I can balance things on my nose on my face
01:14I can balance pretty much pretty much anything I think on your face. Yeah, that's showbiz
01:20Now now
01:22Oh
01:24Oh
01:26Oh
01:28Oh
01:30Oh
01:32Oh
01:34Oh
01:36Oh
01:38Oh
01:40Oh
01:42Oh
01:44Oh
01:46Oh
01:48Oh
01:50Oh
01:52Oh
01:54Oh
01:56Oh
01:58Oh
02:00Oh
02:02Oh
02:04Oh
02:06Oh
02:08Oh
02:10Oh
02:12Oh
02:14Oh
02:16Oh
02:18Oh
02:20Oh
02:22Oh
02:25Oh
02:26Oh
02:30What am I bloody down here?
02:32Oh
02:34Oh
02:36Oh
02:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:58Are you, Stacey?
03:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:02Jesus!
03:03LAUGHTER
03:05I just can't do both, I can't do both!
03:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:26You yourself almost had a career as a pop star.
03:29I did audition for a boy band for Louis Walsh.
03:32How did it go?
03:34Yeah, not great.
03:36LAUGHTER
03:37It was in the pod in Dublin.
03:38Remember the pod?
03:39Yeah, yeah.
03:40They called my name up and I'm starting to sing
03:41I Can Show You The World From Aladdin.
03:43LAUGHTER
03:44Good song choice!
03:45Top tune!
03:46LAUGHTER
03:47And...
03:48What song choice?
03:49What?
03:50I don't know.
03:51And do you know what?
03:52I started to, boy.
03:53LAUGHTER
03:54I started, I went, I'm in trouble.
03:56LAUGHTER
03:57So, afterwards, anyway, Louis kept going to me,
04:00I'm going to put you in a band, I'm going to put you in a band.
04:02I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, cool.
04:04I'm getting all brilliant.
04:05After that audition, he took me outside and says,
04:07maybe not this band, but I'm definitely going to work with you in something.
04:10I was like, alright, brilliant.
04:11Oh, thank God, I thought I really messed that up.
04:13He's like, yeah, yeah, no, we'll get you in something,
04:14I really want to do something with you.
04:15I was like, brilliant.
04:16He said, now, we have to get something done with them ears.
04:18LAUGHTER
04:19What?
04:20What?
04:21We have to get something done with them ears.
04:23Your ears?
04:24Yeah, and I was like, I was looking and going,
04:26I'm only 16.
04:27Yeah.
04:28Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, yeah.
04:29Yeah, sure.
04:30So, I went home and I was saying to my ma,
04:32he said I have to get something done with my ears.
04:34I was thinking my ma would say, like, cheeky bastard.
04:36Yeah, yeah.
04:37And my ma turned around and says,
04:38do you want to get something done with them?
04:39LAUGHTER
04:40I was like, what the fuck is wrong with me ears?
04:43Last week in York, there was a man playing with himself up in the stalls of the...
04:48Shut up.
04:49I know, I was thrilled!
04:50Yeah.
04:51LAUGHTER
04:52I was absolutely delighted!
04:54I was like, shut up!
04:56LAUGHTER
04:57Was he hot?
04:58Was he wearing a ring?
04:59What was the crack?
05:00Erm...
05:01Cos that just never happened.
05:02But he was, like, having a little...
05:03Now, I was fed...
05:05I didn't know how...
05:06He was having a little go of himself, I'd say.
05:08What?
05:09He wasn't having a full...
05:10Right.
05:11You know what I mean?
05:12He wasn't full of pepper shit.
05:13No, it was like...
05:14LAUGHTER
05:18It was...
05:19It was a little sprinkling.
05:20Would you say a little sprinkling of sorts?
05:21A fondle?
05:22A fondle.
05:23It's like he was playing three blind mice on himself.
05:25LAUGHTER
05:26Because then, I didn't know...
05:28Anyway, I saw the footage of it and it was quite innocent in the end.
05:31OK.
05:32It wasn't the compliment I thought it was.
05:33Ah.
05:34Yeah.
05:35But when he was removed, you just went.
05:36And I was like, that's not that hot.
05:37You should have fought for me, do you know what I mean?
05:39LAUGHTER
05:40I was like, I want to stay and finish cos she's still hot.
05:42I just left.
05:43So that's the closest thing I've had.
05:45Yeah.
05:46What kind of commitment is that?
05:47I think I'm seeing him now.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:49I think we're going to doubt.
05:50True or false, were you the only boy in an all-girls school?
05:54True, yeah.
05:55True, yeah.
05:56True.
05:57Why?
05:58I don't know.
05:59I didn't make up the rules.
06:01Not with me, folks.
06:02I think they just left it so long to put me into a school that there was no...
06:07In our local area, there was no places left, right?
06:10So they had to just get, you have to go to school, it's law.
06:13Yeah.
06:14And eventually the only school that would take me was the girls' school.
06:17So, I went in, so I spent the first seven years of my school with all girls.
06:21In my class and everything.
06:22We have a picture of you here.
06:24LAUGHTER
06:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:33Very, very old regrets for a Monday.
06:36Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:37That was just what I wore to school, you know?
06:39I looked like a little cult leader in that, don't I?
06:42It's like all these little miniature wives that this little cult leader has.
06:46Looking back on it, I was like, no-one's going to want to touch me.
06:49Well, I was wrong.
06:50I didn't know it blew up.
06:52And then I tweet Putin and it was the worst thing ever.
06:55LAUGHTER
06:56You tweeted who?
06:57I tweeted Putin.
06:58Vladimir Putin.
06:59I tweeted...
07:00What did you say to him?
07:02I just said, hey bro, how much did you pay then?
07:05LAUGHTER
07:09LAUGHTER
07:13I'm not loud.
07:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:18Scourious...
07:19It came for about a year or two after that.
07:22Anything about some versions, I shit myself.
07:24I was like, someone's just going to stick a pen on me or something like that.
07:27And I'll have say now, poison.
07:28What is your record in the long jump?
07:306.32.
07:316 metres.
07:326.32.
07:33Right, well, the reason we're asking that is because earlier, myself and Max gave it a go.
07:39LAUGHTER
07:40We didn't know what was a good length, but what was a bad length.
07:44We've got a video here of Johnny trying to, do you want to see it?
07:47Yeah.
07:48Yeah.
07:49Here we go.
07:50LAUGHTER
07:51No, I just want to say I am carrying quad injury, grinds a bit tight.
07:57I didn't have the right runners, several things.
08:02Right, okay, would you do the honours?
08:04Can we stand up?
08:05Yeah, here you go.
08:06You can reveal that, where you are there?
08:09Smack's got 1.7.
08:13I'll take that.
08:14Pretty good.
08:15It looks better measured out than it does on the video.
08:21Let's have a look and see how Johnny B got on.
08:24Oh!
08:25He was cheating, he had really good runners on.
08:29What did you get, John?
08:31I did slightly better, I got 2.2.
08:34What did you see you got again?
08:366.32.
08:376.32, okay.
08:38We're just going to explain that to people, if we can.
08:42You jumped.
08:43LAUGHTER
08:44There's 4.
08:45There's 5 metres.
08:486.32 here.
08:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:55Well, I've two dogs.
08:59I had two dogs.
09:00I've had a three-legged lurcher called Lola for years.
09:03And then we fostered Mick, who has four legs.
09:06LAUGHTER
09:07And there they are, there, yeah.
09:09I don't know...
09:10Awww!
09:11I don't know what they're doing.
09:12LAUGHTER
09:13LAUGHTER
09:14Lola looks happy!
09:16Lola looks happy!
09:17Lola looks happy!
09:18Lola looks happy!
09:19Lola looks happy!
09:20Lola looks happy!
09:21Lola looks happy!
09:22Lola looks happy!
09:23It looks like Lola's going, you gotta earn your place in this house, Mick!
09:26We know at the same time that, say all ye jockeys, you're all in the same way room.
09:31You're all, like, kind of talking out together for want of a better room.
09:33We're literally beside each other, we're all...
09:35Can you get spicy in there, like?
09:36Can I be...
09:37Do you know what I mean?
09:38Like, I'll be honest, like, if some lad cut me off down a corner, he'd be...
09:41You know?
09:42Yeah, there's kind of a code.
09:43Right.
09:44There'd be a couple of...
09:45But, really, like, we're small, little...
09:47Lads.
09:48It's kind of...
09:49It's kind of a...
09:50Kind of a Mormon.
09:51LAUGHTER
09:52Don't do that again!
09:53LAUGHTER
09:54Why is Samba so hard?
09:55Because it's all about, like, bouncing and moving your hips and your body.
09:59CHEERING
10:01So...
10:02So...
10:03I mean, is there any music in this place?
10:05Yeah!
10:06Can we get a bit of Samba music?
10:08Oh!
10:09There we go!
10:10Hey, can you...
10:11How do you go?
10:12Hang on, hang on.
10:13Hang on.
10:14Hang on.
10:15Hang on.
10:16Hang on.
10:17Hang on.
10:18Could you...
10:19Can you explain the basic steps?
10:20So...
10:21That's actually...
10:22Whoever put that song on, that's very fast.
10:23Right, so we don't normally go that quick, but they're bacacadas that you would do to
10:34that.
10:35I knew it was a bacacada.
10:36Yeah.
10:37Classic bacacada.
10:38So, you close your feet.
10:39Right, close your feet, lads.
10:40I hope you all do with us.
10:41And girls, come on.
10:42Can you take a step back?
10:43Here we go, lads.
10:44Right, okay.
10:45Listen up, here we go.
10:46So, we close our feet, and we're gonna go back on our right, and then left.
10:48So, it's literally just back, back, and stay up on your toes, wiggling your hips.
10:51Woo!
10:52So, we literally go...
10:53Boom!
10:54Boom!
10:55Boom!
10:56Boom!
10:57Right?
10:58Not bad.
10:59And then we'll just shake.
11:00You ready?
11:01Music.
11:02Hang on, hang on, hang on.
11:03But do you reckon...
11:04We want people to...
11:05We want people to learn to dance.
11:06Oh, you're already on behind the bar.
11:07We want people to learn to dance.
11:08Yeah.
11:09But there probably won't be too much samba music on in the pub in Chipperary.
11:12Yeah.
11:13Okay.
11:14So, can we do this to a song that you might hear in a pub in Ireland?
11:16Oh, we can make it work.
11:17Okay, right, lads.
11:18This is a song...
11:19I think, can we do this to a song?
11:20I think, can we do this to a song?
11:21No, it's a song.
11:22Oh, me!
11:23Run in, charge!
11:24Come on!
11:25Ah, my cross!
11:27I've come on!
11:28Oh, my cross!
11:31Woo!
11:32Woo!
11:34Woo!
11:35Woo!
11:36Come on!
11:37Woo!
11:38Woo!
11:39Woo!
11:40Woo!
11:41Woo!
11:42Woo!
11:43Woo!
11:44Woo!
11:45Woo!
11:46Woo!
11:47Woo! Woo! Woo!
11:48do live television all the time. Would you read the autocue and throw it to the link for us?
11:52I would love to. Where am I going down here? You see the screen's on top here. Here we go.
11:55Okay, we have got a camera on the streets of Waterford where everyone... Oh, you absolutely can't.
12:04In your own time, let's give her a chance.
12:05Do we...
12:07We have got a camera on the streets of Waterford where everyone smells of cabbage and I'd never go there
12:24because they're all sod-busting, blah-eating bog monsters and Limerick. To know what it is, it's way better.
12:29Also, I love the two audience and their fair class!
12:33The two Johnnies, not the two audience. Thank you, thank you.
12:39Well, and William wrote that herself before she came back here.
12:43Let's have another game of Irish or Aussie. Let's head back to Coogee Beach in Sydney.
12:47Oh-ho! It feels like home in a way, doesn't it?
12:51Doesn't it? You'd be just buzzing. Right, so just by looking at somebody... Who's this lad?
12:55Are the Irish or are the Australian? This lad looks so scared. Get in on him.
13:01Get in on him. Oh, he's got budgie... OK, don't say, Anthony, man. You're live on television.
13:07Nod your head if you're up for playing a game.
13:09I think he's got a big Irish head in him, but he's Australian from the neck down.
13:13If that's at all possible. Joanne, what do you reckon?
13:17I agree with you. The pants aren't... There's no Irish man to wear those pants.
13:21But he does have an Irish head. I'm confused.
13:25Audience, what do you reckon, Irish or Aussie?
13:27Aussie!
13:29OK, what's your name, mate, and where are you from?
13:31Sean from Ireland.
13:33We've got a game that we're calling We Aren't Family.
13:39Yeah, so we've got a camera out in the streets of Galway where all the members of a family are dancing to the same tune.
13:45But here's the catch. One person isn't in the family. Your job is to spot the imposter.
13:49OK. OK, all right. Let's go live to Galway. OK, here we go.
13:53Lads, we've got the DeSantis family. Oh, I feel like I know already.
13:59Hang on, hang on, hang on. From one to six, straight away.
14:02Roddy, you're looking at them. Who do you think is not in the family?
14:07In the family? Yeah, they're all a family bar one.
14:10That fella number two, he looks a bit wrong.
14:14Andrew, what do you reckon, Andrew?
14:17Number three, cos he looks too happy.
14:19No family's that happy. Yeah. OK, Karen, what do you reckon?
14:23Oh, now you're going close, it's hard. Yeah.
14:26No, so that's, they look the image. Yeah.
14:28That fella on the end looks like he's just being plumped there.
14:31It could be him, right. He looks a bit awkward.
14:34They say the rhythm is in the genes, so let's find out.
14:37We'll get them dancing, let's see. Is this live?
14:40Yeah, this is live in Galway, yeah. Go on, you good people.
14:42Right, hit the music.
14:44Oh, I'd take a number four.
14:52Oh. Who do you reckon?
14:54Oh.
14:56It's amazing, number four is dancing with his tongue.
15:01Karen, who's not in the family?
15:03Oh, that's so hard.
15:04I tell you, I think number three is American.
15:07Number three looks a bit, yeah, he looks a bit foreign.
15:09He looks American. OK.
15:11Well, so does number one, that girl looks too jolly compared to the rest of them.
15:14OK, lads, who's not in the family?
15:15Three.
15:16Three.
15:17Three.
15:18What do you call it? What number?
15:19Four, you reckon?
15:20Ronnie Rick is four.
15:21I'll tell you what, say or not, because we'll find out after the break.
15:23Oh.
15:24This is my friend, that she knows all the way.
15:27When I'm flat with my cart, Marty has some head in for the ten.
15:32We are family.
15:34We are family.
15:36Yeah, everybody's a, we are family.
15:44Hey, hey, hey, hey.
15:45Hey, welcome back to The Two Johnnies, Late Night Lock In!
15:48Now, before the break, we've seen the DeSantos family on the streets of Galway, but one person wasn't actually part of the family, John.
15:59Yes, let's go back to Galway and see, lads, right, looking at the screens.
16:02Who do we think is not part of the family, lads? What do you reckon? What number?
16:06Six.
16:08What are we saying? Okay, okay, moment of truth. Moment of truth. We think it's number four.
16:13Some people are saying number six.
16:14Would the real imposter please step forward?
16:18Yeah!
16:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:25Okay, number four. What's your name, and how do you know the family, or have you ever met them before?
16:30My name's Cian, and I have no idea who these people are.
16:35Put your hands together and a big thank you to everybody on the streets of Galway.
16:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:41We're raising children not to play outside because it's too dangerous. Don't let them play outside. Why?
16:58What, in case they discover exploration, independence, problem-solving, resilience, and essential fucking adult skills.
17:05And ironically, leaving them indoors with the iPad, where the paedophiles actually live, by the way, on the internet.
17:10LAUGHTER
17:11LAUGHTER
17:13So we find ourselves in an environment.
17:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:17I learnt this recently. Ireland has a navy.
17:21LAUGHTER
17:23We've seven boats, lads.
17:26Oh, the dictators of the world are shitting themselves now, aren't they, huh?
17:30We have seven ships, seven vessels.
17:33And their job is to go round the island.
17:36To go round the island.
17:37Now, I don't know if they go up the north.
17:40Right?
17:42I haven't Googled it yet, right?
17:44So they go three quarters around the island, right?
17:47LAUGHTER
17:48Or up the...
17:49I'm a cross-community comedian, pick your side, lads, right?
17:51LAUGHTER
17:52And their job, and I didn't know this,
17:54when I go to bed at night on my lovely warm pillow,
17:56there's men and women, out there, on the water,
17:59away from their own families,
18:02four or five weeks at a time, protecting our country.
18:05They're away from their own families, riding each other.
18:08LAUGHTER
18:10Oh, they're all at it, just like the guards and the teachers.
18:13LAUGHTER
18:16Yeah.
18:21Oh, they love...
18:22Oh!
18:23They love it out in the Atlantic Ocean.
18:24They love it, like.
18:27And they're away from...
18:28They're away from...
18:29Away from their own families, protecting our country.
18:32And I'm at home.
18:33And these people will never let us down if we ever get invaded.
18:36But only in Ireland would this happen.
18:38That one day, on the news,
18:40the government announced to the rest of the world
18:42that five of the ships were broken.
18:45LAUGHTER
18:46What sort of a country
18:48announces to the rest of the world
18:51that their first line of defence is broken?
18:55Keep your mouth shut, lads!
18:57Tell them you have a hundred boats and say nothing, right?
19:01LAUGHTER
19:02I know the UK have a policy to stop the boats.
19:04In Ireland, we can't even feckin' start ours.
19:06Like, you know?
19:07LAUGHTER
19:08APPLAUSE
19:09This is the weirdest RT show I have ever done, ladies and gentlemen.
19:18And I just recently did High Road, Low Road for RT1.
19:21Anybody see it?
19:22Yeah, if anybody see it...
19:23OK, you flick a coin.
19:24Two percenters flick a coin.
19:25One person gets the High Road, the high-end, five-star experience.
19:27The other person gets the Low Road, the shite experience.
19:30High Road, Low Road.
19:31Colin Murphy and I went to Poland.
19:33Colin Murphy got front row tickets to a Coldplay concert.
19:36Backstage passes and a chance to chat to Chris Martin one-on-one for 25 minutes.
19:41And I got to High Road.
19:43LAUGHTER
19:45Mwah!
19:47Stayed at home.
19:49Didn't chat to Coldplay.
19:52I am single at the minute.
19:54Oh, yes, meet me at the bar afterwards.
19:57But I think I know why I'm single now.
20:00I think I've figured it out.
20:01I think it's because I like to think I can change a man.
20:04Yes, the girls over here as well.
20:07We love a little bit of a project, don't we?
20:09You know the way some men like to fix cars?
20:12Well, I like to fix men.
20:14I'll look for something on the verge of breaking down
20:17and I'll be like, come here to me.
20:19And then I'll spend two years under that thing making sure it's road-worthy.
20:25Don't worry, guys.
20:26As a comedian, you're in safe hands with me.
20:27I'm very woke.
20:28Unbelievable.
20:29Unbelievable.
20:30Unbelievable.
20:31Like, even when it comes to the old LGBTQTA,
20:34I've got a best friend for every letter.
20:36I do.
20:37I've got a best friend for every...
20:39Like, lesbian, that's my friend, Jyvonne.
20:41Like, G, that's my friend, Brian.
20:43Like, T-trans, that's my friend, Jyvonne, again.
20:45She's great.
20:46She covers a load of letters for me, actually.
20:48LAUGHTER
20:49She's unreal, that one.
20:50She's great.
20:52She doesn't cover asexually at the end, people who don't want to have sex.
20:56But my wife sorts that one out, so it's fine.
20:58LAUGHTER
21:00You learn a lot when you become a dad, the breastfeeding and all that.
21:07I remember the very first time ever experiencing it.
21:10I was there with my wife.
21:11She was trying to feed the baby.
21:12It wasn't really working.
21:13I didn't realise.
21:14I thought it just would work all the time, you know?
21:16And God bless the nurses.
21:17A nurse came into the room and grabbed my wife's breast and my son's head with the elegance
21:23of a builder, you know?
21:25Like picking an extension lead out of a puddle.
21:28I'll get it to work, don't worry.
21:30And now I kind of thrive on the awkwardness, you know?
21:33I love it.
21:34Like, my wife's dad was coming to visit when we had the baby
21:38and I could see by the walk on the man when he walked into the living room
21:42that he was going to go for a kiss with the baby.
21:45And I also knew his daughter was feeding the baby.
21:49So I could have stopped him.
21:54But I was bored out of my mind, you know?
21:59I said, ah, this would be good.
22:01And fair play to him.
22:02He must have known when he got to there.
22:04But he kept going all the way down.
22:05It was so awkward.
22:07And then he tried to make a joke about it,
22:09which is something I wouldn't recommend, to be quite honest with you.
22:11Because the joke he went for that evening, right, was,
22:14leave some for me, you greedy little shit.
22:17You're the guy, lads, yeah.
22:21Well, you haven't seen him since, you know?
22:23He doesn't...
22:24Am I the only fucker that can see the obvious link
22:27between the decline of drinking alcohol and the rise of celibacy?
22:31It's fucking obvious!
22:33Um, Siobhan and Noel, I don't know how long you've been together.
22:3724 years.
22:3924 years, right?
22:40We don't even need to check, right?
22:41Unless you're Muslim or a recovering addict, Noel,
22:44you were off your tits the first time you got it on.
22:47With Siobhan.
22:48There is no other...
22:49There is no...
22:50There is no other way.
22:52There is no...
22:53There is!
22:54There is!
22:55There is!
22:56Sorry!
22:59Guaranteed!
23:00Well...
23:05Well...
23:06Now that's guaranteed then.
23:07I know.
23:08We don't even need to check, Noel.
23:09Do not confirm or deny.
23:10I know for a fact.
23:11You wouldn't even be here tonight.
23:12You never would...
23:13Were it not for alcohol, you would not have been created.
23:16There'd be an empty space.
23:17There'd be no rose.
23:18Noel would have had to get to the point where I'd go,
23:20I could see two of you.
23:21Can I smash one of you?
23:22It would have been something like that.
23:24Wouldn't it?
23:25It's bang on.
23:27That's it.
23:28Put your chips on my back, Noel.
23:29That's it.
23:30That's it.
23:31I can feel the vinegar on my Chinese tattoo.
23:33Thank you very much.
23:34Good evening.
23:35Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for one of the greatest quizzes of all time.
23:38It's...
23:39The Parish Quiz!
23:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:42Thank you very much.
23:43Good evening.
23:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:47Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for one of the greatest quizzes of all time.
23:50It's...
23:51The Parish Quiz!
23:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:55I also heard you're a lifeguard.
24:10You're a qualified lifeguard?
24:12Yeah.
24:13Technically, yeah.
24:14But I can't swim.
24:16Right, so you're a lifeguard and you can't swim.
24:18You're aware of what lifeguards do.
24:20How did you qualify?
24:23I did a class in school with about 20 other people and I was the only one that failed.
24:28And they felt bad, so they passed me.
24:30LAUGHTER
24:31I'll tell you one thing, Dean.
24:33If I'm ever in the river, please, please, just offer me a suit instead or something.
24:36LAUGHTER
24:37What are you up to yourself?
24:38Oh, doing a bit of milking, doing a bit of nursing.
24:41Bit of milking, a bit of nursing.
24:42Bit of nursing, bit of milking, yeah.
24:44The two ends of it, you know.
24:46LAUGHTER
24:47Are you a nurse?
24:49Trying.
24:50I'm in my...
24:51Are you studying being a nurse?
24:52I dropped out once and I didn't drop out this past two years, so I'm doing well now.
24:55LAUGHTER
24:56Should get on to Dean's teacher, he'll definitely pass it.
24:58LAUGHTER
24:59And who are you milking?
25:01Or who are you milking for?
25:02LAUGHTER
25:03Who are you milking for?
25:04Who are you milking for?
25:05Eh...
25:07Pat Callan.
25:08He's a fellow up the road from me, so...
25:10Right.
25:11Milking there nearly five years, so...
25:12Now, we heard you had an interest in the other roles of Shirley yourself.
25:16CHEERING
25:17What's this?
25:18What's going on?
25:19We love...
25:20So we're only about 40 minutes odd from Shirley at home, so we go back every year.
25:23So I recognised a few of the faces when I came in this evening.
25:26And we love it.
25:27And how do you think Caitlin is doing?
25:28Oh, she's fab.
25:29Caitlin's a dote.
25:30Yeah, such a good guy.
25:31Great answer.
25:32Rose Shirley answer.
25:33LAUGHTER
25:34Oh, 100%.
25:35I feel like Dottie O'Shea already.
25:37LAUGHTER
25:38What a kill lady.
25:39Hold on, lads.
25:40Do you have a favourite animal?
25:41I do, erm... Snoopy the cow.
25:44LAUGHTER
25:45Snoopy the cow, now.
25:47Is Snoopy the cow just your favourite?
25:48Or is it a pet, or what?
25:49Oh, it's a pet, yeah.
25:50Nice.
25:51No, she...
25:52As a calf and a heifer, she used to snoop into her pockets.
25:55Right.
25:56To see what she could find.
25:57Usually sweets or something, you know.
25:59Something good.
26:00So that's why she got the name Snoopy.
26:03Way over that, there's a lot of money in there.
26:05LAUGHTER
26:06There's none at all, Johnny.
26:08And representing us is Jake Coyney.
26:10How are you, Jake?
26:11Too bad, no.
26:12Too bad.
26:13Well, Jake, how are you getting on, man?
26:14Ah, right.
26:16LAUGHTER
26:17Jesus Christ.
26:18What, how's your act?
26:19Fair long way up, mate.
26:20LAUGHTER
26:21I used to avoid it.
26:22We're up here every week, man.
26:23Come on.
26:24Yeah, you could stay home, we'd see each other as well.
26:26LAUGHTER
26:27Kicking off with John in Ross-Noree.
26:29Here's your question.
26:30Hi, Johnny.
26:31Congratulations on becoming the third Johnny.
26:34Just to ask you, who was the captain of the St Mary's adult team
26:38that won the Junior B Championship?
26:40And here's his mother.
26:43LAUGHTER
26:44It's a mirage.
26:45Yeah.
26:46Sorry, the man asking the question is standing right there.
26:47LAUGHTER
26:48And then the mother is there.
26:49LAUGHTER
26:50You obviously recognise that woman.
26:51I do, yeah.
26:52Who is it?
26:53Who is it?
26:54It's Mammy.
26:55LAUGHTER
26:56Wait, the woman in the video is your mother?
26:57Yeah.
26:58OK, so the answer to the question is...?
26:59My brother, James Lynch.
27:00LAUGHTER
27:01Let's find out if you're right.
27:02And the answer is...
27:03James Lynch.
27:04LAUGHTER
27:05And the answer is...
27:06James Lynch.
27:07Yay!
27:08APPLAUSE
27:09Munder Connacht, we're back to you.
27:10Let's have your next question.
27:11Well, Amy, Conor here.
27:12I'm with the two Fergals.
27:13You're with the two Johnnies.
27:14Munder Connacht last won the Junior Championship in 1976 against Banya.
27:18Question for you today is...?
27:19Whose cows are those?
27:20LAUGHTER
27:21Whose cows are they out the back of the GAA field?
27:22Right.
27:23And the answer is...
27:24And the answer is...
27:25James Lynch.
27:26And the answer is...
27:27James Lynch.
27:28APPLAUSE
27:29Munder Connacht, we're back to you.
27:30Let's have your next question.
27:31Well, Amy, Conor here.
27:32I'm with the two Fergals.
27:33You're with the two Johnnies.
27:34Munder Connacht last won the Junior Championship in 1976 against Banya.
27:39Question for you today is...?
27:41Whose cows are those?
27:43LAUGHTER
27:45Whose cows are they out the back of the GAA field?
27:48Right.
27:49It is...
27:50Owen Brodie's cows.
27:51Owen Brodie's cows.
27:52Yes.
27:53Right.
27:54Well, let's find out if you're right.
27:55And the answer is...
27:56The Brodie's.
27:57CHEERING
27:58APPLAUSE
27:59Tyg, we're starting with Nerney.
28:03Here we go.
28:04Here's your question.
28:05Hi, Tyg.
28:06Gillian here from the shop.
28:07Can you tell us which local farmer sells us these potatoes?
28:11LAUGHTER
28:13No, Tyg.
28:14That's Gillian from the shop.
28:15LAUGHTER
28:16No need for first names.
28:18The shop.
28:19I like how you roll in Nerney.
28:21Too much hardship to name the shop.
28:24It's just the shop.
28:25Who produces them spuds?
28:27Er...
28:28Jeez.
28:29John Byrne.
28:30John Byrne.
28:31OK.
28:32All right.
28:33John Byrne.
28:34Let's find out if you're right.
28:35And the answer is...
28:36The Burns.
28:37CHEERING
28:38Well done, well done.
28:39APPLAUSE
28:40Well done, well done.
28:41And I'm tight.
28:42And I'm tight.
28:43And I'm tight.
28:44And I'm tight.
28:45And I'm tight.
28:46And I'm tight.
28:47And I'm tight.
28:48OK, Aisling, let's go back to Khalidi for your next question.
28:51Hi, Aisling.
28:53Margaret and Mike here.
28:55We're here in the shop in Nahida.
28:57And Margaret has a question for you.
28:59Aisling, what year did my mother open the shop?
29:06Now, that is Khalidi's posh and becks, Margaret and Mike.
29:10LAUGHTER
29:11Oh, God.
29:12In what year did Margaret's mother open the shop?
29:14Oh, like, I think it's the 50s.
29:16Or between 53 and 54.
29:18Come on, give it a go.
29:1954.
29:201954.
29:22OK, let's go back to Dexter's laboratory and find out.
29:25LAUGHTER
29:27And the answer is...
29:291953.
29:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:35Unlucky, unlucky.
29:37APPLAUSE
29:39Jake, you ready?
29:41Just to go up now, sorry.
29:43Let's go to the Premier County for our next question.
29:46Hi, Jake.
29:49Andy here.
29:50With your McCool's two hounds.
29:52But last Thursday evening, this hound here, Pepe,
29:56had a big birthday party in Palmuca.
29:58Your father was there with many others.
30:00He had a cheesecake, the lads had sponge cake.
30:02But what age was Pepe?
30:04LAUGHTER
30:06OK, the question is...
30:08Hold on, hold on now.
30:09The question is, what age was Pepe the dog last week?
30:11Well, I wouldn't invite it, that was...
30:13LAUGHTER
30:14I didn't even get to collect your father that night.
30:16Eh...
30:18That dog's fair old.
30:20LAUGHTER
30:22It's 16.
30:24That's a fair age.
30:26Let's go back to Andy and find out if you're right.
30:28Hi, Jake.
30:29I hope you got it right,
30:30or you'll be in trouble the next evening.
30:32But Mr Pepe celebrated his 16th birthday.
30:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:37It's a draw, lads, which means we need a tiebreaker.
30:43Right, can we get Davey Russell to give us a hand with this tiebreaker?
30:45Davey Russell.
30:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:48Jump in here, Dave.
30:49This is in this item.
30:50This is a tough quiz, lads.
30:52It is a tough quiz.
30:53Well, you see, you're not from those parishes, Davey.
30:55I'm not.
30:56So...
30:571953 and 1954, do you know what I mean?
31:00OK, lads, so our question is, Davey Russell, champion jockey,
31:05all his life had to be on top of his weight in order to race.
31:08Our question is, now he's retired, what weight is he?
31:11LAUGHTER
31:13You don't have a weight.
31:14You have a weight, kids.
31:15No, please, no.
31:16Tyg and Nerney, to the nearest KG,
31:18what weight would you say, Davey?
31:19He's laying the mutton down, it's pretty...
31:21LAUGHTER
31:23What's your reckon, Tyg?
31:25His hindquarters are...
31:27Have a good look at him now.
31:29LAUGHTER
31:31What would you put on him, Tyg?
31:33Eh...
31:35Shhh...
31:3788 KG.
31:3988 KG.
31:40What's that in old money?
31:42I don't know.
31:43I don't know what that is in old money, eh?
31:4488 KG.
31:45Ashley?
31:46Oh, it's pure sat in the deck.
31:47I'd say 85 KG.
31:49OK, she's meant for a little less than 85.
31:52Well, here's the moment of the truth, Davey.
31:53LAUGHTER
31:54We're back in the weigh room.
31:56Oh, I mean, like, with or without clothes?
31:58We'll be back after the break.
32:00We'll be back after the break.
32:02We'll live on the clothes.
32:04Oh, just hop up and she'll walk away.
32:05Won't she?
32:06Yeah, OK.
32:07Including the boots...
32:1188 KG, which means Tyg is the winner.
32:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:16Here is the moment to choose okay in one of these envelopes is an all-expenses paid trip to Las Vegas
32:31now also in there okay is a bag of spuds from the shop
32:39which envelope are you gonna take Ty what's it gonna be in one of them is a trip to Vegas and
32:45the others the bag of spuds we're going with this one you're going with that one closest you okay Ty open
32:49her up and let us know you're dead right bless yourself I'd be fingers crossed to you Ty what's it going to be a bag of spuds
32:56thank you for playing in a clean
33:00Thank you so much, Ashley.
33:30La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
33:36Now, ladies and gentlemen, you may not know this,
33:39we don't like to bring it up too often, but tip one, the All-Ireland.
33:43LAUGHTER
33:45Whoa, take that, Karlo.
33:47LAUGHTER
33:48And tonight, in the bar, is a very important guest.
33:52Can I make my way down, please, if you don't mind, ladies and gentlemen?
33:55Sorry, how are you? What's your name? You're not our guest, but thank you.
33:59Not you and it could Kenny Jersey either lads because if you don't mind right here behind you all all evening has been
34:05Deli McCarty
34:11No
34:14Tipperary we're lucky enough to win it this year
34:17but only ten counties have ever won the hurling All-Ireland Championship and
34:21Had the chance to climb those hallowed steps and make the famous speech
34:24So we thought we'd let some counties who have never won the All-Ireland
34:30Some people here in the audience might like to lift it like I see a whole mix of jerseys where you guys from?
34:35I'm Baltimore, America. Baltimore have never won it?
34:40Right, say for example is there anyone here from Tehran?
34:47Okay, let's go have a chance
34:51This should go well I think
34:54Okay, who's from Tehran?
34:57I've never won the Liam McCarty have they?
34:59That's right I know
35:00Well would you like the chance now to lift the cup and make a speech?
35:03Jesus lovely
35:05Are you ready so in your own time ready?
35:07Ooh
35:13Who would you like to thank?
35:14Jesus I'd like to thank my whole family and all the good people at Tirlican
35:18Especially my uncle Rodney Kelly, big inspiration for me
35:20No, this is this is unbelievable never thought I'd left this thing in my life. Thanks very much.
35:29Give it up for Tyrone everybody.
35:31Back to you, Johnny Smacks.
35:36Thank you John. Now as Johnny B said only 10 counties have won the Lee McCarthy Cup.
35:41One of those counties have won it since 1998.
35:44I am of course talking about Offaly.
35:47Neil, do you remember the summer of 1998?
35:50Shut your face.
35:52Yes, it was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
35:54First team to be knocked out and still win it when we got in the back door.
35:57The way all Offaly people like to do it.
36:00That sounded weird when I was younger too.
36:04I'm from Rosgray so right on the border.
36:06Yeah, occupied Offaly.
36:08So you know I'm always kind of giving Offaly a ribbon but I think it's time that
36:13you know we get the Lee McCarthy or we'll give it to an Offaly man.
36:16Oh yes please.
36:17Would you like to see Neil Delamere lift the Lee McCarthy Cup?
36:19I don't know about this.
36:22For the boys of Offaly.
36:24Come on, what about Carlo?
36:25I don't know if I can do this John.
36:30There's a good chance I may not be able to show me face around Rosgrave for a while but Neil Delamere you've surely practiced this in the mirror as a young fella.
36:37No, I knew I was so shite I didn't get anyone here.
36:40I'd like to thank my uncle Rodney Kelly.
36:43He moved down from Tyrone and this is why we won.
36:48Can I do the speech I would make?
36:50Oh lads, listen it's customary in this position we want to say hip hip array to the losing team.
36:56But it was Kilkenny and you can't beat those fuckers by enough so...
37:01Take this where you will.
37:09500,000 people take the DJ party left.
37:15Oh, blue, it is a lovely colour till it gets the second dip.
37:18gets the second dip that's the way with the owl that's courting you'll never know when he'll take
37:23a fit madame i'm a darling a diro did a row oh madame i'm a darling a diro day oh madame i
37:31have gold and silver madame i have tracks of land madame i have ships in the ocean all i'm
37:37missing is a fine young man madame i'm a darling a diro did a row oh madame i'm a darling a diro
37:43day oh going to the well for water washing it around for to make some tea he fell over i fell under
37:51all of the game was above the name madam i'm a darling a diro did a row oh madam i'm a darling a diro
37:58day oh madam you can tie my garter tie it up above my knee if you want you can tie it further madam
38:05i'm a darling a diro did a row oh madam i'm a darling a diro did a row oh madam i'm a darling a diro
38:12day oh madam i'm a darling a diro did a row oh madam i'm a darling a diro day
38:23so you can match the animal the personality of an animal to what kind of person they should be with
38:29it's not diet or relate again with animals is it it kind of is the rural irish version we're back to
38:35leash where's two jack russells we're wondering if you could describe we've got an animal here for you
38:42yeah yeah this is gujon who is a five-year-old golden retriever i mean what kind of person owns a
38:48gujon well the person who should own a golden retriever is someone that likes to walk and
38:53someone who's active because a lot of dogs are rehomed because people get a cockapoo and they live in a
38:56flat in dublin or something so i would think a quite active person that likes walking yeah we've got
39:02another dog for you here yeah uh this is ted hastings who's a four-year-old golden doodle yeah um you know
39:09what kind of a person owns him well that would probably be an old lady or an elderly gay man
39:16great we can tell you there are two dogs
39:20nailed it well well the question is which johnny owns which dog oh who's been doing more walking
39:29so we have a series of pictures which show you at your absolute peak so we thought we'd play a game
39:50are you up for this yeah okay it's called uh game face where you have to tell us which event you're
39:56participating in just going from your facial expressions let's have let's have a look at your
40:00first picture it has to be long jump because i always pull the worst faces to long jump surely
40:07you reckon it's long if i if i do that in any other event that's really embarrassing let's find out if it
40:12is long jump
40:21let's have a look at another photo okay now i know it instantly could have been a really big curry
40:27what do you reckon kane has to be the shot put the shot put has to be this is me trying to do maths
40:38right let's find out if it is the shot put
40:45let's have one more let's have a look okay um i know it again it's long jump has to be like
40:51okay let's have a look is it the long jump it is you long jumping over the lilly
41:00so they're ready we're going to show you some pictures this is the view you would have had
41:05when you were riding these horses winning races did i are these horses that i rode yes okay so let's
41:10have a look at horse number one no way no no way i didn't ride that hard it's got a double bridle on no way
41:20so you did that's one of yours that's that's one of yours that's one of yours yeah there's no denying it
41:28i know they don't all look the same when you see the photos
41:33that's funny or they don't all look the same from behind davy
41:39you rode this horse who is it sam crow it's max uh well davy let's find out if you're right
41:44it is sam crow
41:53okay davy here's a look at horse number two
41:58now that is that that is i would say a harder one very hairy
42:02no i no you did
42:08they're all horses you rode right i i i i don't know that horse no take a guess uh if it's um
42:18field or it's not irish point oh good horse yeah
42:22it was my last winner yeah yeah your last winner yeah my last winner yeah good horse him uh okay
42:29he can't hear you yeah let's let's let's have a look at one more let's have a look at one more
42:34ah the man himself is it what are you saying what are you saying is that the tiger it is tiger
42:40what is he what is he good horse okay your man still gives out about your fashion choices from time
42:51to time i mean is it fair to say she's trolling you a bit when i'm she is my ultimate troll i had to ban
42:57her from texting me when i'm live on television because it was oh stay to your hair jesus bit heavy
43:03with the makeup a bit heavy with the makeup this morning do you think that that do you think that
43:08shirt is right oh my god are you pregnant did you forget to tell me and this is just wait in the
43:12middle of the show in the middle of like it will start at seven and it will not stop until 10 so i
43:17had to ban her we have some of the messages that your ma'am has sent you oh no she's got up this is
43:22for you the hair is it the hair is a big page can't see your face with your hair yeah so this is in the
43:28middle of the show you might check your phone 7 40 in the morning 20 to 8 i've been on air for
43:3240 minutes we have another one here hair lovely but you're very pale
43:39it's not the time mary we're living in different times girl is on fire 8 19 we've got another one here
43:44hate that blows mirror bin bin
43:49and i think this is my personal favorite love love your jumper tv3 keep showing your space
43:57we've wondered like what it's like to get hit by a professional boxer yeah and thankfully johnny b
44:02has said he's willing
44:06to get hit by a professional boxer so
44:11so i mean would you this one's not that potted good good good
44:18it is it is a bit give it to me give it to me
44:22you sound like that yeah
44:25all right
44:31why are you going again
44:40what do you want more you hit me with your bad hand
44:42appreciate that
44:55well
44:56i have to throw all your time for tonight
44:59lads
45:00back in the house for the two johnnies late
45:04night locket season finale
45:17all right
45:28let's do this
45:30She was dressed and killed
45:32She was a sexy lady
45:34She had to get her thrill
45:36I bet she can't get her, I bet she know
45:38All the need to defeat the temple
45:40She was wrong for that life
45:42She was sick for the fight
45:44She said, greetings, all the time with a new chair
45:46All the time with a mic in the left hand
45:48It's been all fun to preach it
45:50Are you ready now?
45:52Move to the madness of a party back to you
45:54We bring this group to you
45:56Are you ready now?
46:00Move to the cruise
46:02Put your hands up in the air
46:04One super question I ask you
46:06Are you ready?
46:10Woo-hoo!
46:12Go, go, go!
46:14Go, go, go!
46:16And I think she's the person in the house tonight
46:18Let's hear you see
46:20She's a maniac
46:22She's a maniac
46:24On the floor
46:26And she's dancin'
46:28And she's dancin'
46:30Like she never did before
46:34Right here on the two johnnies dance floor
46:36She's a maniac
46:38The maniac on the floor
46:40Sing it!
46:42And she's dancin'
46:44And she's dancin'
46:46Like she never did before
46:48Audience, we need to pace your time
46:50She said, put your hands in the air
46:52Side to side
46:54Side to side
46:56Like you just don't care
46:58Side to side like you just don't care
47:00Side to side like you just don't care
47:02Side to side like you just don't care
47:04Side to side like you just don't care
47:06Side to side like you just don't care
47:08Side to side like you just don't care
47:10Everybody in the house on a party night
47:12We never did before
47:22A huge thank you to everyone here in Swan's Bar tonight
47:25And thank you to all of our guests throughout the series
47:27And thank you at home for watching
47:29Now for a very special performance from Dan McCabe playing Grace
47:33We'll see you soon
47:35Thank you
48:05Well all I want in this terrible place
48:10Is to you how you heal me
48:17Oh gracious hold me in your arms
48:21And let this moment linger
48:25You'll take me out the dark and I will die
48:32With all my love
48:36I place this wedding ring
48:39Upon your finger
48:41There won't be time
48:44To share a love
48:46We'll be the same
48:53Oh gracious hold me in your arms
48:57And let this moment linger
49:01They'll take me out the dark and I will die
49:04They'll take me out the dark and I will die
49:08With all my love
49:13I place this wedding ring
49:16Upon your finger
49:19There won't be time
49:22To share a love
49:24For we will say goodbye
49:31There won't be time
49:33To share a love
49:35For we will say goodbye
49:38For we will say goodbye
49:40For we will say goodbye
49:45To do the same
49:46To share a love
49:47To share a love
49:48To share a love
49:49To share a love
49:50Follow for me
49:51To share a love
49:52To share a love
49:53With all my fingers
49:54To share a love
49:55To share a love
49:56Your friends
49:56Your friends
50:06I will not see you
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