- 5 hours ago
QI XL S23E09 Winter Wonderland
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FunTranscript
00:00Good evening!
00:29Merry Christmas and welcome to QI where we are walking in a winter wonderland let's meet our windswept wanderers driving home for Christmas. It's Julian Clary
00:44It's Fatia El Gorey
00:50It's Jimmy Carr
00:56Reindeer in the headlights. It's Alan Davis
00:59Thank you
01:04Let's hear their wintry buzzers Julian goes
01:12Fatia goes
01:14Frosty the snowman
01:16I was ready for a bit more. I thought it was a bit tight. It's Christmas. Hello. Yeah
01:21Jimmy goes
01:23Snow let it snow let it snow
01:25And Alan goes
01:27Why does it always rain on me
01:31Right let's start by looking under your desks. I have some Christmas presents for you all
01:39Sandy
01:41Yes, what each year. Yeah, you give us presents. I do. Yeah, and this year I have a present for you. Oh, okay
01:50Applause, please
01:58This is from all of us
02:00Okay
02:01And who wrapped it?
02:03Don't worry about the wrapping. The wrapping is fine
02:05Don't worry about it. Right. Why am I likely to be delighted by this gift exactly the way it's been presented?
02:11And that looks like a child has wrapped it
02:15And so maybe from
02:19From the heart
02:20Yeah
02:21I never want to get a present where I have to get an implement to open it
02:24Yeah, you've got to get scissors out
02:25You've got to get a pen knife or something to get into it. I don't like that
02:28This is better
02:30You could actually probably blow on it and it would open
02:32I think you're probably right
02:34So there was an American writer called Drusilla Lowry
02:37And she wrote a book called the art of wrapping gifts, right?
02:40And she said that a sloppily wrapped package indicates poor taste and indifference or lack of skill
02:45But there was a study done in 2019 University of Nevada and they found the opposite
02:50People actually react rather better to a poorly wrapped present because they have a much lower expectation of what's inside
02:58I don't like getting gifts
03:00Do you not? Why?
03:01No, because people then expect gratitude and I didn't rarely feel any
03:07Keep your gift
03:08Do you prefer to give or receive?
03:10Gift
03:12Can we just clip that and put it on TikTok?
03:16I'm going to see what it is and did you choose it yourself?
03:18Yeah, yeah, yeah
03:19Okay
03:20Jimmy help
03:22Oh, look
03:24It's a waffle iron
03:25That's so lovely
03:26There you go
03:27I love that
03:28Thank you
03:33So this effect of responding better to poorly wrapped presents
03:36It's true if you get it from a stranger or if you get it from a close friend, right?
03:40Where we don't like a poorly wrapped present is when it's from an acquaintance
03:43Oh
03:44I'm trying to shake off acquaintances
03:47You're either in or you're out
03:48Yeah, exactly
03:49Is that right?
03:50It is
03:51It is
03:58That's the spirit
04:00I think that will run all evening, don't you?
04:03Well, I'm sure there's an ointment for it
04:07But if it's an acquaintance, apparently people prefer it to be neatly wrapped because then they feel that that person has taken some time about it
04:13When they say to you in the store, would you like that wrapped?
04:16Hmm
04:17Should you say yes or no?
04:18I sometimes think that really shows that you don't give a toss
04:22Yeah, you get somebody else to do it
04:23It really does
04:24You just get them to do it with the scissors and the ribbon
04:27If someone gives you a poorly wrapped present
04:30Yeah, then that means you can give them a poorly wrapped present
04:32So I don't mind
04:33Yeah, or you can just wrap it up the same again and give it back
04:35Or sometimes what I do is throw it in the bin and then they come and visit me and then I go
04:39Can you put this in the bin, please? And then they see their present then they know it's shit
04:44My mother once gave me the ugliest kitchen clock I've ever seen in my whole life
04:48Anyway, Terry Wogan in those days doing the Wogan show and he asked for ugly things you'd received
04:53That they could sell off for children in need as a joke, right?
04:56So I sent this clock in
04:58Well, if my mother's there she says let's watch the Wogan show
05:02And the thing comes on and I can see the clock in front of him and I pretended I was having a seizure
05:12Anyway, I did receive an absolutely fantastic gift, which I want to show you
05:16So I just want to handle this very very carefully
05:18I'm just gonna bring these gloves
05:20Are you going to give me an enema?
05:24So look at this marvellous box that we've got here and when I open it up inside
05:31This is a Saints relic, okay?
05:34This is Saint Wolfstan
05:36You'll like this patron saint of vegetarians and peasants
05:40It looks like a chicken bone
05:41It does
05:42Okay
05:43It is a chicken bone from one of the researchers lunches today
05:46It is
05:48What I was trying to prove is what they call the reliquy effect
05:52So if you show a random bone and you put it in a marvellous reliquy case
05:56People will think it is much more valuable than it is if it's just a chicken bone
06:02Which is in fact what it was
06:03That's a bit like you know when I wear makeup
06:04Yes
06:06Well there was a time when perfectly ordinary brown paper was used
06:09I'm going to put the put my relic away
06:11Brown paper was used a lot in shops to wrap presents
06:141910s paper commonly used in American grocery stores and the newspaper started to write editorials against the practice
06:21So why might that be 1910s?
06:24Where are we heading for 1910?
06:26The war?
06:27World War I
06:28You need paper
06:29It's essential for war
06:30And it was becoming increasingly expensive
06:32And I think they thought if you could reduce demand
06:35By trying to get people to stop having their things wrapped
06:38Nevertheless in this country
06:39Each year we use 227,000 miles of wrapping paper
06:45Oh good little murmur there
06:47Yeah
06:48It's enough wrapping paper to go around the earth nine times
06:51The amount of card used in Christmas cards every year could stretch between London and Lapland over a hundred times
06:57I mean it's a lot of paper that we use
06:59Yeah
07:00Most of it can't be recycled
07:01No
07:02I don't know what the Christmas card thing
07:03I don't know what the etiquette is meant to be
07:04I'm the same with birthday cards
07:05How long are you meant to keep it?
07:06Are you meant to read it and pop it straight in the bin?
07:09Or
07:10I like the ones where people have done the photo themselves
07:12And I love a round robin
07:14Oh a round robin
07:15We were very pleased that the footings for the Conservatory have gone in
07:18Wow
07:20This tells you that they've buried a relative
07:23We've got a new patio
07:26You know my uncle is a proper tight prick yeah
07:32I swear down one day on my birthday I got a card
07:35And I'd opened it and he tip-exed out happy Christmas and put happy birthday
07:40And there was a robin on the front I was like we're Muslim for God's sake
07:44What are you doing?
07:45What are you doing?
07:46I quite like that
07:47I like to go and buy like a happy retirement card for a sixth birthday
07:51I just do it
07:52My grand would do that
07:54She would get a card and tear it in half
07:57Yeah
07:58And give you the picture bit just written on the back
08:01And claimed that it was because during the war you had to be frugal
08:05Right
08:06And it's 1976, Grant
08:08But why can't you recycle most Christmas cards?
08:10Potential?
08:11Yeah, it's all the glitter and all the extra bits and pieces
08:14There's metallic materials, shiny laminates and that kind of thing
08:17Do you know there's a trend happening at the minute, yeah?
08:20Probably not
08:23What women are doing and girls are like spraying their cells of glitter
08:26Yeah
08:27And then if your man's cheating you'll find glitter on him
08:30And then you know it's not you and you know he's cheating
08:32And then you bust his arse up
08:34Wow
08:35So you're spraying yourself in glitter and then if he's cheating you'll know
08:37She'll know, the other women will know
08:40Oh
08:41Does it not cause chafing?
08:45I don't think that's the main worry, Julie
08:48Right, that's Christmas wrapping all tied up with a bow
08:51But I do have presents for all of you as well
08:53If you would look underneath your desks, please
08:56I've gone with a sort of theme of wellness with these
09:00So Alan Loda, why don't we start with you?
09:03It's easy to undo, you see
09:05I know, yep
09:06Easy to undo, nice bit of ribbon
09:08There we go
09:10Beads
09:11Yeah, so why might you give beads to somebody?
09:15Because
09:19Because you don't really like them
09:21Because you're obligated
09:24Because you work with them and you have to think of something
09:26Because these were at the back of your drawer
09:28So what I can tell you is that all of your gifts are from early Christmas adverts
09:33So yours was first advertised in 1728 and it's called an anodyne necklace
09:39Actually this advert for it is from 1756 a little tiny bit later on
09:43So this is the weirdest thing
09:44These necklaces contained a poisonous plant called henbane
09:48It's also known as stinking nightshave
09:50It was meant to help children with teething pain
09:54At this time one in three children in England would not expect to reach their fifth birthday
10:01And teething pain was seen as a sort of sign of something much more serious and possibly something fatal
10:05So they claimed that if you wore one of these anodyne necklaces
10:08Curative substances would flow from it into the skin up into the mouth and so on
10:12You didn't have to chew on it, which was just as well
10:15Because it is actually a poison
10:17But it did seem to work
10:20Even though there's no medical reason for it
10:22Why do you think it might have worked?
10:24It was quite expensive
10:26There's five shillings for one
10:28It's one of those things where you tell people it's going to be good for you
10:31And then it works
10:32I think it is partly that Julian
10:34But also it is the fact that infant mortality rates were lower
10:37Amongst rich people and it was only rich people
10:40Who were able to buy them
10:42We used to give the kids bicky pegs
10:44What, for the teething?
10:46For the teething
10:47And then I don't know what it was
10:48And then
10:49And it would sort of gradually get smaller and smaller
10:52Like a dog biscuit
10:53Like a good dog biscuit that lasts
10:55Yeah
10:56You know
10:57Sounds like you're giving the kids dog biscuits
10:59Yeah
11:00I know what you're talking about
11:02It's like cork, innit?
11:04That's a good idea though
11:05Have a bottle of wine and give the children the cork
11:07Give the children the cork
11:09But rich people like Augusta
11:11Princess of Wales
11:12Her daughter Queen Caroline
11:13Of Denmark and Norway
11:14Who's the one on the left there
11:15In very small quantities
11:17This particular thing
11:18Henbane that was in it
11:19It is a mild sedative
11:21If you have more than 3 grams
11:23It can cause constipation
11:24Manic episodes
11:25Hallucinations
11:26And possible death
11:27Is this a replica or
11:29Yes, darling
11:30We also didn't want to kill Alan
11:32I mean
11:33Not till the Z series
11:35Don't miss that episode
11:38We are going to need a big finish
11:41Yeah
11:42Right Julian, do you want to open yours, darling?
11:44Ah
11:45Have you pushed the boat out?
11:47This is from a Christmas ad from 1825
11:50Oh
11:51What is it?
11:53It's macassar oil
11:55So do you know about macassar oil?
11:56Oh, I'm sure you're going to tell me
11:58Have you heard of anti-macassars, darling?
12:01Anti-macassar
12:02Yes
12:03What does that mean?
12:04It was a sort of a piece of cloth
12:06That sat on the back of the train
12:07Oh
12:08I thought it was a band
12:09From Camden Town
12:10Which is quite a good name for a band, isn't it?
12:12It doesn't smell
12:13Is that because you would have had oily
12:15Yeah
12:16People wouldn't wash their hair
12:17It's to stop the oil from the back of your head
12:18Going onto the train seat
12:19And it's called an anti-macassar
12:21Macassar oil
12:22Comes originally from the ebony trees in Indonesia
12:24But this was a much cheaper blend of vegetable oils
12:27Palm oils and coconuts
12:28So it's the 19th century equivalent of hair gel
12:31Pure grease is undoubtedly
12:33The best nourisher of the hair
12:35Yeah
12:36It's supposed to be very, very good for you
12:37Tell my daughter that
12:38Good luck
12:40Do you want to apply some?
12:43Yes
12:44Go on then
12:45Open your hand
12:46At times I've said that
12:51Now, there you are
12:52But you have to follow it by saying
12:53Here's some oil
12:55Right, go on then
12:56It's a lovely colour
12:58What is that?
12:59You've got to run your fingers through
13:00How to do that?
13:01The thing is, Sandy
13:02What will happen if I do that is
13:03Yeah
13:04We'll stop the show
13:05And the makeup department will come on
13:06Yeah
13:07Really fucked off
13:08Yeah
13:13You know those people
13:14Can you imagine the language back there now?
13:16They're watching on the monitor
13:17Yeah
13:18Don't you dare put your fingers through that hair
13:19Don't touch your hair
13:20Don't touch your hair
13:21Don't touch your hair
13:30I quite like it
13:31Oh, it is whiffy
13:32Does it smell nice?
13:33Well, I lied
13:34That's an exchange you've had before
13:35Right, Jimmy, come on, let's see what you've got
13:36You were five minutes in and you've lubed him up
13:37OK, you've not pushed the boat out here
13:38This looks fine
13:39So this, again, this is something from the past
13:411857
13:42Well, that's some pills of some description
13:43OK, so these are from Mr. Page Woodcock of Lincoln
13:45So there were two Christmas adverts for wind pills to treat indigestion
13:49Well, so it depended which advert that you had a look at
13:50So the very first advert claimed that the pills would conjure happy festive memories
13:51So this is the Christmas advert
13:52The second was the first thing
13:53Well, it was one of the past
13:54Well, it was one of the past
13:55Well, it was one of the past
13:56Well, you were like, well, you've been given a rumour
13:57Yeah
13:58OK, you've not pushed the boat out here
13:59So this is, again, this is something from the past
14:001857
14:01Well, that's some pills of some description
14:02OK, so these are from Mr. Page Woodcock of Lincoln
14:03So there were two Christmas adverts for wind pills
14:05To treat indigestion
14:06To cure wind or to give you more
14:07Well, so it depended which advert that you had a look at
14:08So the very first advert claimed that the pills would conjure happy festive memories
14:10Advert that you had a look at so the very first advert claimed that the pills would conjure happy festive memories
14:18The second was the Boxing Day advert which was inspired by Christmas Carol
14:23It said the pills would cure people haunted by the Christmas ghost of indigestion
14:28If you took them on Christmas Day major happy if you took them on Boxing Day got rid of indigestion
14:33Those are your basic happy pills that we've given you lovely. Yeah, should we smash them up and do a line?
14:41I'm very concerned about those two children in the
14:45Sent off unaccompanied not just that not dressed are they the ones with the wind is that what we think?
14:52You can still get wind pills. They're called Windy's yes
14:55You can actually promise you that my wife did buy me some for Christmas fun
14:59Really really amused the job
15:02Stop listening at the door go to another room
15:07I haven't tried them actually
15:09Could you I should yeah?
15:12Really should right come on. Yes
15:15Mine's the biggest one here
15:171830 is this one this better not be like a gym or some shit like that. Yeah. Oh, no. No, we don't do fitness. You're fine
15:23I'll go mad
15:25Merry Christmas
15:27Can you imagine if I should do that should I do a rental service? Yeah, you can rent me I'll hide in your toilet and then you'll come
15:33I'll go Merry Christmas
15:35Christmas advert for a toilet appeared in several publications in the 1830s was a man called Robert Wyss there it is and he said it was the perfect gift for Christmas and New Year's it's a portable self-acting water
15:51Closet so it's a kind of commode they used to be known as thunder boxes
15:54Because Alan used to go in
15:56So it looks like a cabinet from the outside and then when you open it up
15:59It's got a commode on the inside a chamber pot that is the worst James Bond gadget
16:05What did they do before just had a sort of a bowl under the bed, you know a pot but this had a system with stored water and you could actually flush the waste out of the pot and
16:13It went into a concealed hidden bucket which was then emptied by the staff discreet. Yes, exactly exactly
16:19I mean you say discreet portable, so presumably people would see you in the high street with it
16:23What's he doing with that cupboard?
16:25He seems to be shitting in it
16:27I mean you say discreet portable, so presumably people would see you in the high street with it
16:31What's he doing with that cupboard?
16:33He seems to be shitting in it
16:35He seems to be shitting in it
16:37He's got a commode on the inside a chamber pot
16:39That is the worst James Bond gadget
16:42He seems to be shitting in it
16:45During lockdowns, I like to go for a really long walk. I bought a portable toilet tent
16:50And it was it was like a big
16:54You didn't do that
16:56It goes completely over you
16:58Well, no what it was was it was a pop-up thing
17:00It was a flat circle and you just popped it and popped up and like the size of a telephone booth
17:05And I thought this was marvelous and then you went in
17:07You have to sing when you're in there in case someone comes along
17:10Well, darling, it was great apart from when it blew over outside
17:16Outside the tower of london
17:21You come across a tent wandering around
17:23Always have a little look inside because it could be
17:25sandy togsford technician
17:27Okay, presents away, please
17:31What's most dangerous a lion a witch or a wardrobe definitely a witch
17:38Would a lion be scared of a witch though
17:46You could reason with a lion
17:48So enjoy that
17:52That's a show we'd all watch I think
17:55Hi, welcome to reason with a lion
17:58And the witch
18:00If she's in a good mood you could get away with it
18:03But if a wardrobe fell on you then you'd be in trouble
18:06And that is the correct answer my darling absolutely right
18:13So the wonderful book the lion the witch in the wardrobe by
18:16C.S. Lewis
18:17C.S. Lewis dedicated to lucy barfield
18:19And maude lucy's mother was extremely worried that children would go looking for narnia and get stuck inside a wardrobe
18:25So he had to put some extra lines of text in and every time you'll notice in the book somebody goes through the wardrobe
18:31He says they took care to leave the door ajar and c.s. Lewis does say it's a very silly thing to lock oneself in a wardrobe
18:36But apparently we are facing an accident crisis written loses 10 times more working days to domestic accidents than we do to strikes
18:43So driving accidents have significantly decreased in the past 20 years, but pretty much all other accidents have increased
18:52Falls are by far the biggest culprit
18:54Why do you think we might be having more and more fools because there's more stairs?
18:59Oh, I like that. We've had a tremendous increase in stairs. Yes
19:04Well, if I have an accident slightly to be on the stairs or sometimes I open the fridge door and hit myself on the head
19:13This is going to be the worst ever episode of Miss Marple
19:18It's the aging population. Oh, it's the old people
19:20There's that terrible fact about if you break a hip as well, you're better off having stage four cancer than a broken hip
19:26Really? Why?
19:27It's in Peter Attia's book on
19:29Longevity if you break a hip, it's very very bad news
19:32Why are you reading books on longevity now?
19:35I've had a lot of work done
19:37My face is like Trigger's broom
19:42There we know the original still there
19:45Oh!
19:46In 2016, so this is according to the national accident helpline
19:49One in 75 people surveyed had been injured while shopping in a sales rush
19:54One in 50 people reported falling out of the loft while retrieving Christmas decorations
19:59One in 90 people had suffered burns while roasting chestnuts on an open fire
20:04One in 50 had fallen out of the loft?
20:07Yeah, I know
20:07Seems an extraordinarily high number
20:09Yeah
20:10What do you think is the gift in recent years that's caused the most accidents?
20:13Knives
20:14I bought you a very sharp knife
20:19Sandwich maker
20:20Yes, you could trap your finger in the thing
20:23E-scooters
20:24Is exactly right, darling
20:25My nephew's
20:26E-scooter
20:27Nearly died
20:28He cut the back of his ankle and he cut an artery
20:31And then yeah, he nearly died
20:33Foolish boy
20:36I mean 416 people seriously injured in 2023 and 965 slightly injured 338 fires
20:43Still a lot more people falling out the loft though, isn't it?
20:48What's the worst or most embarrassing accident anybody here has ever had?
20:51Oh, you're counting soiling yourself
20:55I mean we are now
20:59I've got a soiling myself story
21:01Go for it, darling
21:04Well, I've told this story before I think last time I was on this show but
21:07It's so long ago, darling
21:09No
21:09It's in colour now
21:10Anyway
21:10But no
21:15Beat this
21:16I once
21:18I once shat myself while meeting the queen
21:21It's a royal variety show
21:29Yeah
21:29And you had to queue up and you know she came and shakes your hand
21:34And I don't know if it was nerves or I'd had a bit of trouble
21:37I can't remember
21:39But it was only a little pellet
21:40But that's a true story
21:47Let's hear you're soiling yourself
21:52I can remember doing a little pellet as a child
21:55And it came out that my trouser leg
21:59Is that what happened to you?
22:00Yes
22:03It's shot across the stage
22:07In the general direction of Claire Sweeney
22:09This story's got everything
22:14I've got a poo story
22:16I was going to tell a story about shaving
22:19And now you
22:20I'm going to go with the poo
22:21Yeah, I want to go with the poo
22:22Shaving is too long
22:23Can I just say to me, I don't have a poo story
22:25This will be the last one
22:26Oh, I cut my scrotum with
22:37Is this at the royal variety performance?
22:41Shaking hands with the queen and trying to shave my balls at the same time
22:45You know how that goes
22:46I was alone
22:47Sure
22:48Did a podcast and there was a company that stuck there
22:51Lots and lots of podcasts about football
22:53Nearly all by boys and mostly listened to by boys
22:55Anyway, they started sending these shaving kits
22:59Around giving the shaving kits for shaving your undercarriage with
23:03And we were all sort of in 40s and 50s
23:06I thought what?
23:07People are doing what now?
23:09Anyway, I tried it and I cut myself on this
23:13I thought this shouldn't be possible
23:15It's got all this kind of protective thing on it
23:18But I got a little bit carried away
23:20And that is the most embarrassing accident
23:23And now you've made me say it on the Christmas show
23:30I'll tell you where you went wrong
23:31You need to stretch the skin
23:33That's what it is
23:34You just went like this because you're lazy
23:36But you need to stretch the skin
23:37Trust me, I know I'm Arab
23:38I know about hair
23:41Thank you so much for doing mine
23:44I've got a room in our bathroom to get that smooth
23:46You didn't need two people like that if you were folding a sheet
23:57Two people pulling it out and one other person with a lawnmower
24:06I can't believe I'm stopping this fascinating conversation
24:09So hear yours about poo
24:10So yeah, I was like seven or something
24:13And then we went on a school trip to a farm
24:15And I wanted to do a poo
24:16But the teacher goes go on your own to the toilet
24:18And I was like no
24:19So I just shit in my pants
24:21And then like I sat in here and I had it in my pants all day
24:24And all the kids shut up
24:26All the kids
24:28I wouldn't mess with her
24:30All the kids were like oh there's a
24:32We can smell poo and I was like oh yeah
24:34I wonder who it is maybe it's the stinky kid
24:36And when I got home my mum put me in the bath and it was stuck to my skin
24:40She had to soak me and then put it off with a butter knife
24:43Merry Christmas everyone
24:45Merry Christmas
24:46Once went on a coach trip
24:47Oh please don't
24:52And the driver was a huge man really really big man
24:56And he pulled over on the hard shoulder and he got out of his cab
24:58And he made his way down the aisle
25:00We thought what's going on
25:02And he went down the stairs into the loo
25:04And eventually he re-emerged and he said
25:08No one can use the toilet it's full
25:18Anybody in the audience want to talk about
25:23Now I've got everybody a bowl of Christmas walnuts
25:26Can anybody open you know there's that thing where you crush two in your hand
25:30And you're like oh I've just done it
25:32Oh I don't know me own strength
25:37I'm quite excited
25:39There is a sort of a straight look of it isn't there
25:41It really is
25:42Okay
25:42It really is
25:43So
25:44Mmm
25:45I love it
25:45Yeah I know the trick
25:47So what you do is you put one there and then you put the other one next to it
25:51And then you just go like that
25:53And then it opens
25:54Has it happened?
25:55Yeah it will
25:56Just
25:56What do you mean it will?
25:57So it hasn't
26:00Stop flirting with me
26:03I can't believe I've got to sit next to the stinky kid
26:04Because the stinky kid is a bit like the patsy if you don't know who the stinky kid is
26:15It's you
26:17So
26:17I've done it by the way look
26:19Congratulations
26:19Yeah
26:20Yeah it's a mess but I've done it
26:23Now
26:23Why is it so hard to find a walnut's anus?
26:29What have I just eaten?
26:32Are they heterosexual?
26:33Walnuts
26:34It depends what kind of walnut we're talking about
26:37I'm looking at the walnut but this is not the kind of walnut is it?
26:40No you've done this game before haven't you?
26:43Different kind of walnuts the ones in front of us
26:46The walnut bird
26:48Walnut snake
26:49Well let's go
26:50Beetle
26:51The walnut fish
26:52Walnut whip
26:53The walnut
26:54It is a creature in the sea and they are called sea walnuts
27:02Look at this it is so beautiful
27:03I love those see-through ones
27:04They're also called wartycomb jellies
27:07It's not a jellyfish it's a bit like a jellyfish
27:09That's not a jellyfish
27:10No
27:11Yeah I'm not sure who you're talking to
27:14But that my friend is a jellyfish
27:16So why isn't it a jellyfish?
27:17I'm telling you
27:18I'm telling you it is
27:19No well the reason that we know it isn't is because it does have an anus
27:25So if it was a jellyfish it wouldn't
27:27But what is extraordinary about them is that these are transient anuses
27:32What do we think that means?
27:33It moves around?
27:35Well it's only there for a very short time
27:37They only create one on a temporary basis when they need to poo
27:42So when it needs to go the digestive system fuses with its skin to form an opening
27:47It does a poo and the opening then closes in a matter of minutes and they do this about once an hour
27:52Unless they're a very very young one in which case it's about every 10 minutes
27:55So it is a jellyfish most of the time
27:57No it isn't
28:00You're saying once an hour it isn't a jellyfish briefly
28:03I wonder why they do that though
28:05What's in it for them?
28:06What to do it?
28:07Not to have a permanent arsehole
28:10I think it's that they're not so vulnerable darling
28:12I think it's that it's basically it you know it's an exit for them and an entrance for others
28:16Well tell me about it
28:23When you think about it though it would be practical if you're on I don't know let's say a school trip
28:27Yeah
28:29Just create an arsehole and then gone again
28:31Yeah
28:31Just to not have one the whole time
28:33Because you know accidents happen
28:36A long walk to the toilet maybe I'll just shit myself
28:39What?
28:41Jellyfish don't have anuses they expel their waste through the mouth
28:44So it's the difference between the two
28:46How do you know it's its mouth what's it saying?
28:49I mean I think people have studied this there's a fantastic
28:52There's an amazing American zoologist called Libby Hyman and it was because she noticed that these particular creatures the sea walnuts have these transient
28:59Anuses what she realized that they were not the same as jellyfish not even think that's a real person Libby Hyman
29:06Sounds made up she's from a limerick
29:09Oh
29:12I've got a Libby Hyman
29:14Have you?
29:15Still intact but you horse ride
29:21Now this picture is a wassail box it's a traditional christmas item you would have to pay to look inside
29:30What will you give me to look inside?
29:31A penny
29:32A penny I like the idea
29:34A penny for the guy
29:35A penny would be fine
29:36There was a christmas tradition called wassail but where
29:39Where?
29:40Yes uh yorkshire was very common
29:42Newcastle doesn't it wassail box
29:44Well it's actually scandinavian thing
29:46So you would ask for some money and then it would show what's inside what do you think is in the box that they're going to show
29:51A music box no it it let's have a look on the picture this was the christmas tradition that june whitfield
29:57It's in the kids version two tiny dolls representing the virgin mary and the baby jesus and that's not the real virgin mary and baby jesus
30:09Yes, this is the real
30:13Smaller than you think
30:15Do you think people were smaller?
30:20Because my children are really getting really big
30:26My daughter's taller than nearly all of us
30:29So it's if you really went backwards through time
30:33With people getting a little bit smaller a little bit smaller a little bit smaller that probably is how big virgin mary was
30:39You know you can when you're going to ask why alan doesn't sit in this chair
30:48Now i was going to say he's hot today in it
30:52This tradition we don't know how old it is maybe 18th 19th century but it has carried on except in america
30:56I don't think they've really got the hang of it because sometimes when people do it they open the box of inside as ken and barbie
31:04The one in the middle there is from the distant past when people were smaller
31:09I'd say you're from the 1400s
31:18This is adult was sailing you go door to door and you would sing and you would offer alcoholic drinks from a wassail bowl
31:23That's what she's holding there in return for gifts. She's saying we are banana rama
31:28I don't think i'd like some random man knocking on the door asking for money to look in the box
31:36No
31:43Why did oliver cromwell ban christmas
31:46Don't tell anyone right but he was a muslim
32:01Damn you
32:03Anybody else um well i thought i was going to think of something
32:07Nothing came out imagine you're meeting the queen
32:17What's he doing there he feels like he's signaling to someone
32:19So the answer is that he didn't
32:22Yeah no
32:23A while you might want to check again because yeah he did
32:26No it's a christmas myth truth is he actually quite liked a party
32:30He enjoyed smoking and drinking
32:32Scandalously he allowed dancing at his daughter's wedding so he wasn't anti-party the christmas ban started with the scottish presbyterians
32:40So they had been discouraging christmas celebrations for years since 1583 and the puritans needed the scottish support
32:46So it's his party that were trying to keep the scots calm and it wasn't cromwell himself who thought let's get rid of christmas
32:54There are parts of the country where they didn't pay any attention at all so devon and cornwall for example
32:57They just carried on they probably hadn't heard about it
33:01When do you think christmas day became a holiday in scotland i'll give you 10 points if you're within the right decade
33:071974 not far
33:1059 you win 58 yes
33:16So it wasn't a holiday it wasn't a holiday until 1958 yeah
33:20Anyway moving on why were christmas day weddings so popular in the past
33:31snow
33:32Is it one of those things where like if you have your wedding on christmas you can't forget your anniversary
33:38Do you forget yours do you forget your anniversary yeah yeah
33:45But if you get married at christmas it feels like that or valentine's you go it's also one gift yeah
33:50Great are you may i ask are you married no no we're just friends
33:57But i mean we're getting on great
33:59I've been married and divorced twice because i don't learn the first time
34:03Third time lucky is that what we're saying no i'm sick of these people
34:11Either of her husband
34:14It may seem like it turned out to be both
34:17i've married her twice i'm a master of disguise
34:20i'm moroccan and we have a saying we say if it
34:23Rains on your wedding day then it means it's going to turn out bad
34:26That's why it rained on both my weddings
34:29In in morocco yeah yeah not famous for its reign is it
34:35Yes my husband slipped his finger into my ring
34:42Eight years ago now
34:45But anyway getting back to the question yes
34:48Why get married on everyone's got the day off unless they've got it
34:52That's it well pretend he hasn't said it what were you going to say julian no don't patronize me
35:06It's because they didn't have many days off yeah so christmas day was off what better day
35:17Exactly right christmas day and boxing day were the sort of days that you're very clever boys you
35:20Yes you are yes you are a clever boy so it was a very popular time and in fact churches
35:27Would give discounted rates if multiple couples got married at the same time this is a picture at
35:32St george church in london in 1920 she's got stars on her head the third one from the left why has
35:38She got two stars oh yeah a trip advisor their own
35:43She's not great
35:47In 1913 the guardian reported the church and stepney had married 25 couples all on the same day
35:53Now it's almost time for the bum note that we call general ignorance
35:57But this year i have some friends to help me with the questions
36:00Please welcome the qi choir under the direction of john riddell take it away
36:14Hey
36:40I want to be
36:45What occasion was this tune composed for oh yes, Julie Easter
36:54The John Lewis Christmas at home alone when the thieves breaking in
36:59Well, that is true. It is in home alone. Yes, but that's not what it was composed for
37:04It's after Christmas. What comes after Christmas 12th night Boxing Day Easter
37:11Mother's Day
37:13New Year. Yes
37:15Yes, Alan, it's New Year's exactly right. What do we call this tune? Does anyone in the audience know this?
37:23Carol of the Bells is exactly right, but it was originally a
37:26Ukrainian folk song for New Year's Eve
37:28It was called Shedrak which means bountiful evening. So the lyrics are nothing to do with bells nothing to do with Christmas
37:35It's actually about a swallow visiting a home and delivering luck for the New Year
37:38The very first modern arrangement was 1919 a Ukrainian composer called Mikolai Leon Tovich and then a Ukrainian American called Peter Wilhouski
37:47He rearranged it and added the English lyrics and renamed it Carol of the Bells in 1922
37:52But it has always been associated with Christmas ever since let's have another tune who sang this song in the 1982 animated film the snowman
38:00It was written by Howard Blake specifically for the film, but it was actually sung by a choir boy named Peter Ortee. There he is. He's now professional
38:14operatic tenor, but he didn't get any credit in the film because they forgot to put his name on
38:331985 the song was used in an advert for Toys R Us and it had to be
38:37Re-recorded but in this guy Peter Orte's voice had already broken and so a new version was sung by Alan Jones and that was released
38:43And that became a huge hit and that is why we think Alan Jones sang it in the film, but it isn't actually him
38:50Here's another song that was originally written for New Year, but what is the first line?
39:07What's your gonna say?
39:09La la la la la la la la...
39:11La la la la la la...
39:14La la la la la la la la la
39:22Is it Deck the Halls with something and Holly?
39:25Deck the Halls with something and Holly?
39:27No, Holly. No.
39:28You are bound of Holly I know.
39:30I didn't say bow so I don't know why you buzzed me
39:32Well I don't know. Is it Tis the season to be jolly?
39:36I think it's... I think it's Ant in Deck with Phil and Holly.
39:42So, I asked for the original lyrics,
39:46and it's an old Welsh tune called Norskallan or New Year.
39:49The oldest version of the lyrics are translated into English as this.
39:53Oh, how I never thought and fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
39:58Oh, how sweet the grove in blossom fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
40:03Oh, how best in all the places fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
40:09Who's the grove in future geese-sa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
40:16Oh, I like that.
40:18APPLAUSE
40:20Oh, how soft my fair one's bosom, my friend.
40:23Absolute filth.
40:26Finally, have a listen to this.
40:29Now, who wrote it and what instrument is performing the lead melody?
40:36Is that the Nutcracker?
40:41It is the Nutcracker, you are absolutely right.
40:43Tchaikovsky?
40:44Tchaikovsky is very good.
40:45And the oboe?
40:46It's not an oboe.
40:47Harpsichord?
40:48We're nearer with the harpsichord.
40:50Triangle?
40:52It's the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy from Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker.
41:01It's played on a Celesta.
41:04There it is, a Celesta.
41:06If you lift that up, you can take a shit in it.
41:15If you lift it up, Sandy talks things.
41:19I'm busy.
41:20A Celesta, it comes from the French word for heavenly.
41:22So it looks like a piano, but when you press the keys,
41:25hammers hit metal plates with wooden resonators underneath.
41:28It gives it a sort of soft, almost like a triangle.
41:31It was invented in 1886 by a Parisian organ maker,
41:34Charles Victor Mustel, and his son Auguste and Tchaikovsky.
41:37He ordered one immediately.
41:38Does anybody know what a sugar plum is?
41:41It's the dance of the sugar plum fairy.
41:43Isn't it a thing that hangs off a tree?
41:45A Christmas tree that you can eat?
41:47Yes, it's exactly right.
41:48It's kind of sweet.
41:49It's what's called a comfit.
41:51It's a seed, a nut or a berry, which has got layers of hard sugar.
41:54And I will give ten points to anybody who can tell me
41:58where we saw sugar plums at the beginning of the show.
42:02Oh, now they were mentioned on one of the adverts
42:05that came up earlier.
42:07You're exactly right.
42:08It was for your anodyne necklace.
42:10Yeah, look.
42:11Sugar plums for worms.
42:12You get ten points.
42:13Very, very, very well done.
42:14APPLAUSE
42:16At the top of the advert, it says sugar plums for worms.
42:23And it was thought to be a cure for intestinal worms.
42:26It was widely believed they might kill the tooth worms as well
42:29that caused toothache.
42:30So, well spotted, darling.
42:32I read it all.
42:33Oh, I love that you've actually remembered something.
42:36Um, now it's time to look at our scores.
42:39Let's see who's top of the nice list and who's on thin ice.
42:42Pretty sure I nailed this.
42:44Joy to the world in first place with 16 points.
42:49It's Alan.
42:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:59Don't worry, ski happy.
43:02In second place with minus nine, it's Julian.
43:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:08Nobody's perfect in third place with minus 27.
43:12Fatia.
43:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:15And in last place, a lost clause.
43:20LAUGHTER
43:21With minus 29, Jimmy.
43:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:25So, it's a big thank you to Fatia, Jimmy, Julian and Alan
43:35and a very merry Christmas from all of us.
43:37Let's all go and join the choir and sing.
43:40Off you go, people.
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