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Short filmTranscript
02:01Tomorrow, we bury Maxine.
02:04May she find the peace that eluded her in life.
02:07Hide me, oh spirit.
02:09Why have you abandoned me in my hour of need?
02:13I'm a hostage in my own home.
02:16Until her killer, Norma Delacorte, is brought to justice.
02:20You're out of cereal.
02:21May justice be done for the sake of Maxine's memory and our safety.
02:28Dinah, what on earth are you doing here?
02:37Identifying the body.
02:40Douglas can't bring himself to do it.
02:43You?
02:44Was Maxine's conservator, it's fallen to me to sign her out.
02:48One last time.
02:50It's so selfless of you.
02:52It's almost as selfless as throwing her funeral.
02:55A dead socialite and a fool.
02:56Tragedy rubberneckers from Orlando to Oka Humka will come just to say they were there.
03:00It's just what the Palm Royale needs to stay afloat after finding Maxine afloat.
03:06Will you please go in there with me?
03:19Ladies.
03:22Anne, what are you doing here?
03:25Maxine was my friend.
03:27But I'm just here as a member of the press to verify the identification.
03:34At least that's what I'm telling myself.
03:36How's that working for you?
03:41No comment.
03:45Stop eating.
03:48I'm grief-ting.
03:51Grief-ting?
03:53Grief-eating.
03:54For Mirabelle.
03:56And for me.
03:57I'm grief-ting for two.
03:59Douglas must be devastated.
04:00Stop talking about Douglas, Maxine.
04:02I wouldn't expect you to understand.
04:03You always take her sad anyway.
04:04Because Norma didn't kill Mirabelle thinking it was you.
04:07At least Douglas didn't try to poison or drown me like your sweet Norma.
04:10The way Douglas treats you, that's not love.
04:13If Tom did to me what Douglas did to you, oof.
04:15Tom is.
04:16The only difference is you can't get pregnant, Mitzi.
04:18Hey, Virginia said we can't leave.
04:27I know what that means.
04:31I don't see dead bodies before.
04:37I haven't seen a dead body.
04:39Oh, God.
04:40Oh, God.
04:41It's a gas leak.
04:42Oh, what's that smell?
04:44Oh, God.
04:45It's all this.
04:46I don't like that.
04:48We've got to turn around?
04:49We must.
04:50Okay, on the count of three.
04:52Okay.
04:53One, two, three.
04:58What does she look like?
04:59No.
04:59Did you look?
05:00Didn't do it.
05:01I can't.
05:01Oh, God, I can't do this.
05:02Oh, God.
05:03Is this necessary?
05:04Do we have to?
05:05You have to.
05:06Okay.
05:07One, two, three, 3.5, four.
05:17That's not Maxine.
05:21That is not her.
05:22What?
05:22No, that's not her.
05:23I'm not sure who this is, but this is not our friend.
05:26Are you sure?
05:27Good luck with the...
05:28Gina!
05:29I'm coming!
05:30The woman died!
05:32Round them up, sequester them somewhere safe, and make sure no one else sees this body.
05:36No one.
05:39Yes, ma'am.
05:47Hey, Mama, what are you doing sneaking around up there?
05:52They got some good burgers here, right?
05:54Those weren't for me.
05:55I'm staying with the attractive but brooding gentleman.
05:59What are you two doing squirreled away up there?
06:02No one's supposed to see me.
06:03I'm dead.
06:05I'm sorry, mister.
06:06My friends call me Bruce, and your secret's safe with me, miss.
06:10Maxine, um, just Maxine.
06:13Oh, my God.
06:18Are you the dead socialite with the funeral tomorrow?
06:21Maxine Delacour?
06:22You know who I am?
06:23Oh, this is bad.
06:25Oh, this is so beyond bad.
06:28This is...
06:28This is a tragedy.
06:30This is Carmen.
06:31I really can't have another person crying over me.
06:33No, I'm not.
06:34A very close friend of mine from out of town is supposed to attend your funeral tomorrow,
06:39but if you're alive, then, well, I guess he's not coming to Palm Beach after all.
06:43I'm not supposed to tell you this, but great news.
06:50The funeral's actually still on.
06:53You better get down here to this hot tub right now.
06:58Come to the tub.
06:59Oh.
07:00Come to the tub.
07:02Come on.
07:02Come to the tub.
07:04Come to the tub.
07:06Come to the tub.
07:08Come to the tub.
07:09She's coming.
07:10She's coming.
07:11I don't want to do this.
07:27The funeral, the big wedding, the constant public humiliation.
07:31Promise me, once the baby is born, I won't have to jump through any more hoops or loops
07:37or ex-wife funerals.
07:39Promise.
07:39We just have to fly to Switzerland first.
07:43Why are we flying to Switzerland?
07:44To sew up the baby trust with the bank.
07:48It's a paperwork thing.
07:50I'm sorry.
07:51I should have told you earlier.
07:52Dinah!
07:55Norma sent another note!
07:59Where's Dinah?
08:00She went to the morgue.
08:01Not if I can help it.
08:02The literal morgue, Perry.
08:03She just went there to identify Max's body for me.
08:08I'm coming for you.
08:10I'll see you at the funeral.
08:11I shouldn't have let her go in my place.
08:13I'll find Dinah before Norma does.
08:15Yeah, I'll come with you.
08:16Okay?
08:16Fuck, I gotta get changed first.
08:18Do not leave me here alone, Douglas!
08:20You're carrying the Delacorte air.
08:22Norma would never hurt you.
08:26I found out I had a twin sister, and her name is Mirabelle.
08:28And this woman, Norma, who was my husband's ex-husband's aunt,
08:32she tried to kill me, thinking it was me, but she ended up killing Mirabelle.
08:35I love you.
08:37You're the most fascinating woman I've ever met.
08:39You're like Doris Dave.
08:40She wasn't such a big jerk.
08:43I've told ex-lovers of mine they're gonna miss me when I'm gone,
08:45but you, did you actually get to see?
08:47Your ex-husband missing you.
08:49You get to hear the tears, see the rending of garments.
08:51Shoot, I'm not gonna be able to see any of that.
08:54Well, Maxine, I do have a car.
08:58Oh.
08:59I wish I really would love to see him cry.
09:02Did we just become best friends that are about to spy on our men?
09:05I think so.
09:06Let's go!
09:07Maxine, everybody!
09:17Excuse me.
09:19I need to speak to Agent Trainee Tom Sanka about the murder of Maxine Delacourte.
09:23Tom Sanka no longer works here.
09:25What?
09:26Why does the FBI care nothing about the endangered wives of Palm Beach?
09:29Robert?
09:30Why did Norma Delacourte want to kill your wife?
09:32Because Norma knows that Dinah knows that Norma killed Axel Rosenberg!
09:36I can't believe that she's gone.
09:40This is so fucked, man.
09:42This is not true, brother.
09:43This is not true.
09:46My wife, a potential future first lady of Palm Beach,
09:50is receiving death threats from the same killer
09:53who put this sad, sex ex-wife in the morgue across town.
09:57And?
09:58And we allowed my wife to identify the dead body of his ex-wife,
10:03and now my wife is in danger.
10:05If you don't hear from her in 24 hours,
10:08you can come back here and report her missing.
10:10Look at him.
10:13Look at him.
10:14This sad husk of a human.
10:16The morgue told us that no one could see his ex-wife
10:19on the orders of the FBI.
10:21No one else sees her until the funeral.
10:23You're going to keep her on ice?
10:25When I know best what her wishes were?
10:28Shame on you.
10:33It's a doozy, Doug Boat.
10:35No doubt about it.
10:37A doozy.
10:39Maxine wouldn't want to be on display
10:40like some ornamental fern.
10:44She always said that if she went first,
10:47she'd want her ashes to be scattered
10:49in the wind from my bi-play.
10:53Hey, uh...
10:56Do you need a...
10:58a hug?
10:59Yeah.
11:01Oh.
11:05That's it.
11:09Sorry.
11:10Don't worry about that.
11:14Get off.
11:15I just want to be able to honor her.
11:18honor her in a way that I couldn't in life.
11:23I gotta get back to Mitzi.
11:26Let me drive you.
11:27Oh, thanks, man.
11:28I'll...
11:28I'll go on the wall.
11:29Gosh, I really hope I didn't miss Douglas.
11:46I want to see him wail.
11:48I was like, who is the mystery man coming to my funeral?
11:54This is not a Japanese decorative pond.
11:57Do not be coy.
11:58I can't.
11:59He's well known.
12:00Oh.
12:01Famous.
12:02Oh.
12:02Okay, well, you can tell me.
12:06I'm dead, remember?
12:07Oh, please, just give me a hand.
12:08Okay, just a hand.
12:09Okay.
12:10Okay.
12:10A boulder plus a body of water in New York.
12:21No?
12:22No.
12:23Okay, um, Doris Day's best friend.
12:30Tony Randall.
12:31No, but he's around.
12:33Okay.
12:35It rhymes with Sock Sudson.
12:39Rock.
12:40Rock Hudson's coming to my funeral.
12:43Shh, stop.
12:44He'd be ruined if it got out.
12:45Oh, gosh.
12:46That's so exciting.
12:47Yes.
12:48Oh, my God.
12:49I swear to God, it's like a fairy tale.
12:50Oh, my goodness.
12:51And that I never know if it's real.
12:53The other guys think I beat him up.
12:55If it's real to you, then who cares what the world thinks?
12:58It doesn't matter if he's a movie star or, well, an ex-husband.
13:03Yeah, back to you.
13:05Why, if he's your ex-husband, do you keep coming back?
13:08Oh, do you promise you won't judge me or tell me to let it go or make me list all of his transgressions in detail?
13:15Who do you think I am?
13:16Oh, okay.
13:22You can't go back to a man you never left.
13:26And Mirabel, the twin sister I just found out I had, I told her the big secret that Douglas was the only man I know would ever love.
13:33And then he confessed to her his love for her, which he thought was me, and then Mirabel died.
13:39I know it's a lot to process.
13:41Yeah.
13:42You haven't had time to grieve your sister or your marriage.
13:47You are very wise.
13:49We're a wise people.
13:50Yes.
13:51Speaking of grieving...
13:57Is that the new one?
13:58Gosh, yes.
13:59I hate to see a sheep girl cry.
14:03Here.
14:06Stop!
14:07What are you doing?
14:09I can't watch someone cry, even if it's her.
14:11That was the whole point.
14:12We came to watch people cry.
14:13I have done everything you told me to.
14:20But I can't do it anymore.
14:24You said no one would get hurt.
14:30What happened?
14:34She found it.
14:43Is Agent Sanka here?
14:54Tom left.
14:55Robert.
14:56I am so sorry.
15:00I would never do anything to hurt him.
15:03And if I'd known he'd lose his job...
15:06He didn't.
15:07J. Edgar Hoover himself was taking an interest.
15:10A transfer was offered, and I insisted he take it.
15:13Before something bad could happen.
15:16Again.
15:18I don't know what rules you live by in Palm Beach...
15:22But some things are hard to bore you.
15:26Including my husband.
15:28We have children together.
15:32Do you know what that's like?
15:36Of course you don't.
15:39Can you tell him I said goodbye?
15:42Please.
15:43Yes.
15:44I can.
15:47But I won't.
16:00Do you think she's okay?
16:01What about the baby?
16:02You think the baby's okay?
16:03She's a kimbo on the wall-to-wall.
16:05This is how I spent my 20s.
16:06She's fine.
16:06Let's get her to the bed.
16:07You get heads, I'll get tails.
16:08Yeah.
16:09Try to keep her hair nice.
16:10Oh.
16:10Okay.
16:11From the knees.
16:12Oh!
16:13Oh.
16:14Okay.
16:14Okay.
16:15One, two, three, alley-oop.
16:19Protect the head.
16:20Okay.
16:21Okay.
16:22Gorgeous.
16:23You scared her, didn't I?
16:27You are literally haunting the woman who stole your husband.
16:31Golly.
16:32That is sweet revenge.
16:34Should we let her stew in it a bit longer?
16:37Yeah.
16:37Let's go back to the hot tub and do some old-fashioned gloating.
16:40Sleep time, Minzy.
16:41I actually used to think minestrone was boring, but I don't think that anymore.
16:48I used to feel that way about chowder.
16:49Oh, my gosh.
16:50Soup sisters.
16:51Soup sisters.
16:52What in the literal fuck have you been?
16:55Oh.
16:56Um, I went to see Douglas, just to soothe his grief over my alleged death.
17:01But don't worry, he did not see me.
17:02I admit he did, and she thinks Maxine's a ghost.
17:05Who are you?
17:06Oh, sorry.
17:07Manners.
17:08This is Bruce, my new best friend.
17:10He's gay.
17:10Maybe you don't tell people that.
17:12Oh, I'm sorry.
17:13Okay, look.
17:14One or two things are gonna happen.
17:15Either you stay dead and we catch Norma, or the next funeral in Palm Beach will actually be yours.
17:20Nobody else can see you.
17:22There's only so many women in this gay motel can hold.
17:25There's other women here?
17:28Nothing Norma could inflict on us would be worse than this room.
17:31I do like the bedspread.
17:32Not after you read the comments in the guestbook.
17:35Ooh.
17:36Hmm.
17:36I'll sleep in the bathtub.
17:42You might want to rethink that.
17:46Hi, Paul.
17:46Maxine?
17:47I'm so glad you're alive.
17:49Now I can kill you myself.
17:51I will explain everything to you and answer all of your questions.
17:55Can we do it downstairs?
17:56In the jacuzzi?
17:58See my new gay best friend, Bruce?
18:00He's invited us all to a pool party.
18:01Jacuzzi mixer, he called it.
18:03The guestbook calls it egg drop soup.
18:05Virginia said, nobody can see us.
18:08We can't go cavorting in a jacuzzi.
18:10I am a target, Maxine.
18:11These men are very discreet.
18:13Why would we go to a gay party with you?
18:16Because in the wake of tragedy, the only thing we have is community.
18:21And there are no mini bars.
18:23They have tons of booze.
18:24Now you're talking.
18:25I should have led with that.
18:29I'm going to write about this, but...
18:31Ooh, white hankie.
18:32That means they just like to watch and stroke it together.
18:37Oh.
18:38Do you ever stroke it?
18:40Huh.
18:40I have.
18:42Not my favorite thing to do.
18:44It's more attitude that makes a bear a bear.
18:47And their general interest in nipples.
18:49I panic every time, and I just can't do it.
18:51And I feel like I'm broken.
18:55You just have to relax.
18:58And learn how to relax into your breathing.
19:03Do you have access to a bidet?
19:05Wait.
19:06Do you and your husband?
19:08Perry says it reminds him of boarding school.
19:11Oh, hey, no.
19:11We're not all sex-crazed perverts.
19:13That would be the pigs.
19:15I see.
19:16And what kind of a man would a whale be?
19:22I'm a blower.
19:24I love that light blue.
19:26Light blue, left pocket.
19:27This is stunning.
19:28Do you know that I was the inspiration for the roommate in the bell jar?
19:32Oh, gosh.
19:32I just love all your pals.
19:34Come on.
19:35Thanks for including us and making us feel welcome.
19:37Well, it's not totally selfless.
19:39Cops won't raid a party with women.
19:42Hmm.
19:42What are you doing?
19:44Out here looking folks in the eyes telling people about your own funeral.
19:47Bruce invited us all to a party.
19:49Oh, everyone, this is Virginia.
19:50She's a federal agent.
19:53Ladies, do you mind joining me for a private chat?
19:57This woman is like the plague.
19:59Oh, God.
20:00Get rid of her.
20:03Thanks.
20:08Ladies, nothing can go wrong tomorrow.
20:10Evelyn, you're in charge of the funeral.
20:12While Dinah will sit in the pew and wait.
20:14For what?
20:15For Norma to kill me?
20:17Will I at least get a security detail or a bulletproof vest?
20:22Discretion is key.
20:22Y'all can't tell nobody about this thing.
20:24Not even your husband's.
20:25Great.
20:26And then you and I will be in the balcony together.
20:28That will, you know, surveil the premises.
20:32I think it's best for you to attend the services and provide credibility as press.
20:36But this was our case.
20:37We were working it together.
20:39You know, it's the FBI's case now.
20:41I got complete buy-in for once.
20:45Your staff is to proceed as instructed.
20:47May I point out that, like Dinah, there is zero upside in my participation here.
20:53And what about me?
20:54What's my role?
20:56Your sister is playing your role.
20:57I have to go to my own funeral.
20:58I need to see Norma's capture.
20:59I must be there.
21:00I'll see you all tomorrow, except Maxine.
21:09Oh, well, look who it is.
21:13Boys, boys, I have a question for you.
21:16If your best friend was almost killed by an old lady, and that same old lady accidentally
21:21killed her twin sister instead, whose side would you be on, huh?
21:25Your best friends, or the mean old ladies?
21:30Yours!
21:31Thank you, Bruce.
21:32See?
21:33I saw Douglas.
21:34He's not taking your death well.
21:37Even I feel bad for him.
21:38But don't let us spoil your fun with your new friends.
21:40Thank you, Bruce.
22:10Yes, the funniest thing I've ever heard from a male friend.
22:20What in the world?
22:33Excuse me, you're not allowed in here.
22:35You can't take those.
22:36What do you, what, put those down.
22:38Hello, Virginia, get your officers out of my office.
22:45It's out of my jurisdiction.
22:46What's that saying about death and taxes?
22:48Not even the FBI can stop a federal audit.
22:51Taxes? You mean...
22:52I told you and Maxine to let me handle Pinky.
22:54But no, you had to call the IRS.
22:56They showed up last night.
22:57Where were you? You never came to bed.
23:00Well, late night funeral prep.
23:04This is the biggest event of the season.
23:06Insomnia.
23:07I thought this might help, ma'am, with your grief and the IRS.
23:13Jed, thank you.
23:14You don't ask how to help.
23:15You just do it.
23:16I like that.
23:20Why don't you go clean the pool, Jed?
23:22Actually, I'm going to need Jed on door duty.
23:24This is still an active murder scene, so we're going to need extra security.
23:29Ma'am, we have a major problem.
23:32It's hard enough grieving my sister.
23:34I've only known for as long as I've known you.
23:36But the event of the off-season, in my honor, and I can't even go.
23:41You have to report back to me in full detail.
23:44Preferably written.
23:44I'm not going.
23:48What?
23:49We both can't not go.
23:51Rock sent a note.
23:53Too much publicity.
23:54A rendezvous rescheduled.
23:56He said he'd call after, but...
23:59Not getting my hopes up.
24:00If you want to make a man hear you, you've got to make a man see you.
24:03Some advice?
24:04Don't take her advice, especially if it's about men.
24:07And where are you off to with that fancy suitcase?
24:09I'm going to your fake funeral to give a fake eulogy as a fake American hero.
24:13I hear you.
24:14Fake.
24:15But what's with the bag?
24:15Well, I'm taking this Norma just in case she gets arrested.
24:18You know what it's like, Maxine, to be stripped from your dignity,
24:21tossed in a cell and stuffed into a paper gown?
24:26Well, at least I didn't kill my sister.
24:30That middle finger again.
24:31Ugh.
24:32Let's blow this joint.
24:34Yeah.
24:37Wow.
24:40You are very good at this, Bruce.
24:42You should have seen me outside the Ice Station Zebra premiere.
24:45Oh.
24:45By the way, look at that one.
24:46She's devastated.
24:48Oh.
24:49Yeah, her plastic surgeon.
24:50He's a heavy drinker.
24:51I always say if she sneezes, she might look like a basset hound.
24:56Careful.
24:57Oh.
24:59Look who just zipped up on his Vespa.
25:01Ugh.
25:03Oh, my God.
25:05It's him.
25:05Who?
25:07My Rock.
25:08Oh.
25:10And he's with Bray.
25:12I don't know.
25:13The governor of California?
25:16No.
25:17His wife.
25:18She's Rock's best Judy.
25:20I think her name's Nancy.
25:23You have a lot to learn.
25:25Nancy learned a lot from me, too.
25:26She can fit a golf ball through a garden hose now, thanks to me.
25:32Oh, gosh.
25:33Mira Bell's in there.
25:35And I'm sitting here talking about movie stars and golf balls.
25:38I need to give her a proper goodbye.
25:40I'm going in.
25:41Maxine, you'll never get in through the front door.
25:43Look, there's one thing I know how to do.
25:45It's sneak into the Pomeroyal.
25:49And you are still invited to my funeral.
25:51You'll never let me in dressed like this.
25:53Wish me luck.
25:54Good luck, Maxine.
25:56Promise me you'll make him see you!
25:57Oh!
25:57Oh!
25:57Oh!
25:58Oh!
25:58Oh!
25:59Oh!
25:59Oh!
26:00Oh!
26:01Oh!
26:01Oh!
26:02Oh!
26:02Oh!
26:03Oh!
26:03Oh!
26:04Oh!
26:05Oh!
26:05Oh!
26:06Oh!
26:07Oh!
26:07Oh!
26:08Oh!
26:09Oh!
26:10Oh!
26:11Oh!
26:12Oh!
26:24Oh!
26:26Oh, Mirabelle.
26:31I just had to see you one more time.
26:36I'm gonna assume your head's over here.
26:42You know, I've always wanted a family of my very own.
26:52And I just want you to know, I cherished every second we had together.
27:00I'm going to miss you, my little buttercup.
27:02Where in Hell's Bell is this Mirabelle?
27:21Oh, cheesy crazy.
27:24I can't believe we're going through with this shit.
27:27Everyone out there believes Maxine's in that casket when she's actually in a hot tub with her new gay best friend.
27:33If it makes you feel any better, there's nobody in the coffin.
27:37I can't go. The whole town thinks I'm the one who killed Maxine.
27:42We all know that Norma's the one who killed her.
27:45They think I killed her spirit. That's why she's haunting me.
27:49That's just your guilty conscience playing tricks on you. It'll pass.
27:53She was at our back door, I'm telling you.
27:56I can't go to the funeral and see her body.
27:59I may never see my wife again, but here's yours.
28:04What is this?
28:06Maxine.
28:08As per the grieving wishes of you, my stag brother.
28:14Let's get her away.
28:15Apparently, Perry Donahue went down to the morgue and threw a temper tantrum until they agreed to cremate the body.
28:20This town is so fucked up.
28:25And you know who the most fucked up of them all is?
28:28Maxine.
28:28I can't believe I have to eulogize someone that I actually want to kill.
28:32Just get through today.
28:34Norma is in Palm Beach.
28:36You know she won't be able to stay away.
28:38I appreciate your persistence, Mirabelle, whoever you are.
28:48But until I find my bootlegger, I won't be delivering any messages today.
28:53Oh, you'll be delivering a message, Mary.
28:56I know.
28:57As soon as the processional starts, I make my move, and then you...
29:00Don't worry about me.
29:03You do your part, and I'll take care of the rest.
29:06And once that's done, I'll be free?
29:11We'll all be free.
29:13Come on, Norma.
29:15Show yourself.
29:23Rock Hudson.
29:24He's even cuter up close.
29:26Now, as soon as the ceremony is underway, I want you to head out back and start scrubbing.
29:29Nobody's going to want to swim in a pool with pieces of Maxine's decomposing body floating about.
29:34Right away, ma'am.
29:36Hey, hey.
29:38Do you want to talk?
29:39No, I do not want to talk.
29:41I want Jed to clean the rotting flesh out of the pool.
29:45Oh, gosh.
29:46Happy Rockefeller.
29:49And as I live and breathe, Babe Paley.
29:53Oh.
29:54Excuse me.
29:59Excuse me.
30:04Diana.
30:05I thought you were a goner.
30:07Perry, not now.
30:08Not now.
30:09Norma could be anywhere.
30:10I don't want to draw attention to myself.
30:12No, I do.
30:13I've been through it.
30:14Now Maxine's gone.
30:15Get your shit together, Perry.
30:16Jay, Perry.
30:17Didn't think we knew each other that well.
30:18Are you wearing a bulletproof vest?
30:22Two.
30:23I took yours when I thought you were.
30:24Come here.
30:24Yes, give it to me right now.
30:26Give it to me.
30:26Give it to you right now.
30:28You have the balls.
30:29To protect me, I am just going to have to protect myself.
30:34Where are you going?
30:35The only place a woman can truly feel safe in this world.
30:39The ladies' room.
30:41Thank you very much.
30:44Excuse me.
30:50See?
30:51They're all looking at me.
30:53And so is Maxine.
30:56She's following me.
30:58And she's right, too.
30:59I've been terrible to her.
31:01I promise you, Maxine is on the counter where we left her.
31:05No, she's not.
31:08She's right there.
31:09If she's in there, then whose ashes do we have?
31:12Someone's in the kitchen at Dinah's.
31:13I am so sorry.
31:15There must have been a mix-up with the cremains,
31:17but I can assure you there's no one in that coffin.
31:21See, Mitz?
31:21It's all fine.
31:22Come on.
31:26Welcome, friends.
31:28I can hardly believe this is happening.
31:31It all feels so terribly unreal.
31:35I can't help but feel somehow that Maxine's just going to turn up one day.
31:41And yet here we are,
31:43saying our final farewell to Maxine.
31:47Who knows what her last name is now?
31:51Maxine came to us as an outsider,
31:54but she worked and wormed her way into our hearts
31:59and burrowed in like a barnacle
32:04that clung onto a piece of driftwood and could not be scraped off.
32:08Oh, no, no, no.
32:11Mary.
32:12Mary, stop right there.
32:16Mary.
32:17Mary, what do you do?
32:21I have a message for Maxine
32:24from the other side.
32:26So, if you all would just
32:28give us a moment of privacy.
32:32No, no, no.
32:33Don't do it, Mary.
32:34Mary.
32:38No, no, no, no.
32:41I just need a minute.
32:42I need a minute.
32:43What?
32:43I'm just kidding.
32:45I'm just kidding.
32:52What the fuck?
32:57Someone named Mirabelle came to me.
33:02She says,
33:03don't worry about her.
33:07She's having a lot of fun
33:09and she loves you.
33:12And I'm not sure what this part means,
33:14but she said,
33:15there's lots of man rods in heaven.
33:20All right, Mary.
33:21That's quite enough from the spirit world for today.
33:23Now we'll continue with the service.
33:26Actually,
33:26I do have another message to deliver.
33:29No, I'll stay right, Mary.
33:31I know what you're all thinking.
33:35That I shouldn't even be here,
33:37much less speak.
33:40But I'm gonna.
33:43Say.
33:51Maxine and I were married for 20 years.
33:56And I loved her.
33:57And Maxine,
34:00I just want you to know
34:01that I am so sorry
34:02for everything that I have done.
34:04I don't know if you chose me
34:06or I chose you.
34:09Or if love is just
34:10something that happens
34:12when two people choose each other
34:15the same moment.
34:17Like a bargain.
34:19And that beautiful, fragile bargain
34:22that may only happen
34:24once for a person
34:25could last a lifetime.
34:29If both people keep believing
34:31in the singularity of that magic.
34:36I'm so sorry.
34:38I'm so sorry.
34:39I let you down.
34:40Okay.
34:40Okay.
34:42Oh, how deeply, Maudlin.
34:44If anyone else has the urge
34:53to express themselves,
34:55please have the good sense
34:56to repress it.
34:57We will now resume
34:59the scheduled eulogy
35:00delivered by
35:01Maxine's dearest friend,
35:04patriot, warrior,
35:06American hero,
35:07Mr. Robert Diaz.
35:09I don't know about y'all,
35:27but I can't bear to look at her.
35:29Oh, no.
35:36Maxine were here with us today.
35:40She would want us
35:41to move on with our lives.
35:43Yes.
35:44She wouldn't want us to
35:45get stuck in
35:47sentimental stories
35:49or touching anecdotes.
35:50Oh, I love touching anecdotes.
35:53Maxine, contrary to
35:55popular opinion,
35:56she was a very private person.
35:58I was.
35:59So I'm gonna ask you all
36:00to make a sullen pact
36:02where we don't talk about Maxine
36:05ever again.
36:07Life is too fucking short.
36:14And now,
36:15before the Pong Royale
36:17waitstaff
36:18brings Maxine
36:19to her
36:20eternal resting place
36:23on the ninth hole,
36:25won't you join me
36:26in singing Maxine's
36:29favorite song
36:30honoring her hometown,
36:33Chattanooga?
36:34The lyrics are on the
36:38backside of your
36:39prayer cards.
36:42Hello, railroad.
36:45Is this the railroad?
36:47Oh.
36:48I'm on the one way
36:50take you down to Tennessee.
36:52I'm leaving to meet you, see?
36:54Chattanooga, here I come.
36:55Pardon me, boys.
36:57It's at the Chattanooga,
36:59Choo-choo-choo.
37:07Marjorie Merriweather-Post.
37:10How's the mayoral campaign,
37:12Dinah?
37:13I must admit,
37:14it is
37:15a terrifying time
37:17to be in politics.
37:19Ever since my speech
37:20at your square dance,
37:21someone's been threatening
37:21to unleash the dogs on us.
37:23You?
37:38Are the one
37:39that's been sending
37:41the threatening letters?
37:44But why?
37:46Because
37:47you took my dick.
37:49I'm sorry.
37:50My dick.
37:51Richard Milhouse Nixon.
37:53My little Ricky.
37:55My little Dickie.
37:56My little droopy dog cutie pie.
37:59Oh, I am so sorry.
38:02I didn't realize
38:03that you and the president
38:04were so close.
38:05Of course you didn't.
38:05Then to have your hand
38:06in Carolina.
38:09When you hear the whistle
38:10blow and egg to the bar,
38:12then you know
38:13the Tennessee
38:13is not very far.
38:15The only way
38:17for a woman
38:18to have power
38:18in this world
38:19is to obtain
38:20three things.
38:22A buttload of money,
38:23a buttload of guns,
38:24and the ear
38:25of the most powerful man
38:26in the country.
38:29I've been seeing
38:30after Dick's needs
38:31for decades.
38:33I'm the one
38:33that always made sure
38:34that his milk
38:35was lukewarm
38:36and his saltines
38:37were cold.
38:39Whatever he needed,
38:40I provided.
38:46How very nurturing of you.
38:49I know.
38:49I'm a saint.
38:52Unfortunately,
38:52some little hippie
38:53tried to kill him,
38:54so now he doesn't want
38:55to come to Palm Beach
38:56anymore.
38:57So I thought
38:58I'd sweeten the pot.
38:59I offered
39:00to donate
39:00Mar-a-Lago
39:01to the cause
39:02of liberty,
39:03use it as his
39:04winter White House,
39:06and then we could
39:06continue to canoodle
39:07under the cover
39:08of real estate.
39:10But now I realize
39:11the real reason
39:12he didn't want
39:12to come around.
39:14There wasn't
39:14a gun-wielding assassin.
39:16It was something
39:16far more dangerous.
39:18What?
39:18You.
39:19Me?
39:20You.
39:20With your white teeth
39:22and your tight little tush.
39:23I can see
39:35you were upset.
39:38How can I make
39:39this up to you?
39:40I'll give you one hint.
39:41You can crack it,
39:43pour a little milk on it,
39:44add some herbs,
39:44but you'll never
39:45get an omelet.
39:47Axel's Faberge egg.
39:51I can assure you
39:52I have looked
39:54high and low
39:55all over my home.
39:57Believe me,
39:57we've looked too.
39:58You've?
39:59Yes, in your home
40:00with my men,
40:01eating malta meal
40:02in your kitchen
40:03whilst they tore
40:04the place apart
40:04and put it all
40:05back together again.
40:06I feel so violated.
40:08Good.
40:09And after we
40:10searched your home,
40:11I now know
40:12that Axel had
40:12a top-secret
40:13safety deposit box
40:14in Switzerland.
40:16It's the only
40:17conceivable place
40:18that final imperial egg
40:19could possibly be.
40:21So if I go to Switzerland
40:23and get that egg,
40:24then we'll be square?
40:26We'll be square.
40:30And if I don't
40:31get that egg?
40:32I'll kill you.
40:33What?
40:34Societally, I mean.
40:35I'll tell everyone
40:35you're Nixon's whore.
40:37But won't that
40:38hurt Nixon?
40:38No.
40:39People never remember
40:40what the man did.
40:41Only the woman.
40:43You'll have to carry
40:43that stench
40:44for the rest of your life.
40:46Ruff!
40:47Ruff!
40:50Egg.
40:50Ruff!
40:50Ruff!
40:50Egg.
41:17Hello friend. I have a message for you. From Norma. Go home. Now.
41:47Norma. Virginia. Virginia. Anna, I thought I told you to stay down there with the mourners. She just went into the baby's room. Vail. Norma. There.
42:10I got eyes on Norma. Suspect is on the premises. Hold your positions.
42:17I got you.
42:35Ha ha. Gotcha.
42:47Hey. Bruce?
42:53Don't shoot. Please hold your fire. Put your guns down.
42:57What are you doing?
42:58What you told me to do. I just want to talk. I just want to talk to him.
43:08Rock, please. Rock, don't go.
43:11Whoa! Nancy, you are such an evil bitch! You listen to me, Rock Hudson. That woman is not your friend. She's a mediocre actress, too! And a superior bitch! Nancy Reagan is a fair one, you're friends!
43:25Stand down. Not our target.
43:31I can explain. Um, you see, um, I was forced against my will by the... It's gonna sound crazy. But the federal government, they made me do this and... Tell them, Virginia! Tell them!
43:44Thank you so much for coming. We have open swim tomorrow at 11 a.m.
43:56You would let me believe that you were dead? I-I never wanted to. Just let me live my life in peace.
44:01Douglas!
44:31Oh, you've really let the place go to hell, haven't you?
44:53Roma, the entire town is looking for you. The FBI is looking for you.
44:58Ditch the turban, ditch the moo moo. Nobody's gonna pay a little old lady any bite.
45:05I could get away with murder dressed like this.
45:10I should turn you in to the police. But you won't. We're family, you and I.
45:17What are you doing here? Darling, I can see it in your face.
45:23This town has become cruel to you. Which is why I've come back to spirit you away.
45:32Don't you realize I've always thought of you as a son?
45:37There's a son?
45:40Come on, let's blow this popsicle stand.
45:47Yes, mother.
45:48Mrs. Martinez, we have concluded our investigation. Our final assessment.
46:09Oh, my God. Evelyn?
46:16What's going on?
46:18Well, dead corpse floating in the pool.
46:21FBI sting foiled by Maxine rising from the dead.
46:24And now, the Palme Royale owes eight million dollars in back taxes.
46:28So the IRS is shutting us down until we settle. That's what's going on.
46:31At least you didn't lie to me.
46:32I'm sorry. I cooperated with the FBI. My mistake. I'm sorry. I took charge of our lives while my husband sat around looking pretty.
46:40That is so unkind.
46:43The Palme Royale is finished. There's no coming back from this shit parade.
46:47And it's all on me to dig us out of another goddamn hole.
46:50It's all on you because you want it that way. Because you like it that way.
46:54And how about you stop being so fucking nasty?
46:57How about you tell Jed to get out there and scrub the goddamn pool?
47:01Ay, por favor. Arrodillate and clean the goddamn pool yourself.
47:03Where you going?
47:19Don't talk to me.
47:21What? What did I do?
47:23Rock left Ford at the front desk. He never wants to see me again.
47:28You did the right thing.
47:29He never wants to see me again
47:32You did the right thing
47:35I know you're right, but I still feel like shit. So thanks for that
47:42See you around maybe
47:45Okay, see ya
47:47But very wise was he
47:54Deadless
47:56Virginia filled me in on what happened
48:00With Mirabelle
48:02And I brought you her ashes
48:06I thought you might want them
48:07I know you always wanted a family, Max
48:12I'm just, I'm so sorry
48:13This is, this is so sweet
48:20You will ever learn
48:23Is just to love
48:26And be loved in return
48:30Judd
48:38These are my
48:39Private quarters
48:42You shouldn't be here
48:44I was wondering if
48:46There was anything you needed
48:48Did you clean the pool?
48:56Maybe I did
48:57Maybe I didn't
49:00Is just to love
49:03And be loved in return
49:06Oh
49:07Shit
49:10Permission to come aboard
49:18Permission granted
49:20Oh, no, no, no
49:25Thanks for bringing me Mirabelle
49:35It's very graceful of you
49:39Considering the circumstances
49:42Maxine?
50:03Trust me
50:04She'll be happy in here
50:08Maxine, I need to ask you something
50:17I'm going to Switzerland
50:19And I want you to come with me
50:21Actually, I need you to come with me
50:24To be there in person
50:26So that you can sign away
50:29Your claim on the baby trust
50:30Is it kind of a red tape thing
50:34Because of us having been married
50:37I'm sorry it's so last minute
50:40It didn't matter when you were dead
50:44But now that you're alive
50:46I heard what you said
50:55At the funeral
50:56That you love me
51:01And I want you to know
51:03That I accept your apology
51:04And I love you too
51:07This has all just gone
51:11It's gone too far
51:13I've had so many feelings today
51:16And I just
51:16I need to go home
51:19And stop feeling
51:20Well, did you mean what you said?
51:22Take that as a yes
51:46I'll go to Switzerland
51:47Wait, Switzerland
51:50That's the scene of
51:55Mormon's first crime
51:56Max
51:58You ready for round two?
52:06I'm ready for you to clean the pool
52:08That'll be all, Jed
52:10Well, goddamn
52:13Get back inside your coffin, Maxine
52:28She's mad at you
52:29Yeah, I can tell
52:30You know they almost fired me today
52:32And if I was a white man
52:33They probably would have
52:34The only reason why they're keeping me around
52:35Is to trot me out
52:36Whenever the FBI is accused of being racist
52:38I'm so sorry
52:40She's in a very dark place
52:41Maxine
52:43Oh
52:44Hello, Mary
52:46Virginia
52:48Now that you are in law enforcement
52:52I would like to report a missing person
52:55Oh yeah?
52:56Who?
52:57Me
52:58For three days
53:02I was being held hostage
53:06In my very own home
53:08What?
53:09By
53:09The same murderess
53:13That you have been
53:14Trying to capture
53:16And no one cared
53:19No
53:20No one sent up flares for Mary
53:23Meanwhile
53:25My bootlegger
53:27Is gone
53:28My one chance
53:32At
53:33Finding true
53:35And lasting
53:36Passion
53:37Evaporated
53:39Into thin air
53:40As soon as Norma arrived
53:42And took me hostage
53:44When will I find love?
53:49When?
53:51I
53:51I don't know
53:53But can we go back to Norma?
53:55I'm sorry
53:55She's
53:56She's at your house?
53:57Was
53:59She left
54:01She had me
54:02Deliver a message to Robert
54:05Saying to go home
54:06And I did that
54:07And now I'm free
54:09No thanks to you
54:10To go and search
54:12For my bootlegger
54:15And no
54:20I do not need any help
54:24From
54:24Law enforcement
54:26The spirit
54:29Is strong
54:30And she
54:32Will guide me
54:34We gotta get to
54:40The Delacorte
54:40Norma's a genius
54:44They're gone
54:48They're both
54:50Gone
54:51Both?
54:53Norma and Robert
54:54Don't you see
54:55While this whole town
54:56Was here
54:56Trying to trap her
54:57She slipped in
54:59And she took him
55:00Where her trail ran cold
55:02Where she vacations
55:03With Mary in the Alps
55:04Where she had Robert
55:05Send her paintings
55:06Switzerland
55:08Foes rushing
55:20Where angels fear to tread
55:25And so I come to you
55:31My love
55:32My love
55:33My heart
55:35Above my head
55:38Though I see
55:43The danger there
55:49To Chad
55:52I'll love you forever
55:53You're Mitzi
55:55Well
55:58This will do quite nicely
56:02I know today was a bit challenging
56:10But I'm going to Switzerland with Douglas and Mitzi
56:13Strictly business
56:15But since you're my conservator
56:18I need your permission
56:20To travel
56:21Just a quick John Hancock
56:23With Mitzi
56:24You don't say
56:25I know
56:26I'll do you one better Maxine
56:28I'll come with you
56:30Eddie and I could use a little time away
56:33And Switzerland could be just the thing
56:36Maribel said
56:47I would find the killer by the pool
56:50Look at this
56:54The energies are strong right here
56:57Killer of Maxine
57:02Reveal thyself
57:05And we met
57:07I felt my life begin
57:12So open up your heart
57:16My bootlegger
57:17At last
57:19Where have you been?
57:24I've missed you
57:25Rush in
57:30Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah
57:41Someone's in the kitchen I know
57:44Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah
57:47Strumming on the old banjo
57:49Dinah didn't make no pudding
57:52Didn't make the apple pie
57:54Cause she's pitching in the kitchen with the apple of her eye
57:59Someone's in the kitchen
58:02Someone's there I know
58:04Someone's in the kitchen I know
58:08Somebody's in the kitchen
58:12Somebody's there I know
58:15Someone's in the kitchen strumming on the old banjo
58:19Come on out of the kitchen
58:22Get away from the old banjo
58:26I know
58:29Won't go
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