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FunTranscript
00:00No ring.
00:01Time for me to put on my
00:03no one's more adorably available than me face.
00:09Non-fat soy latte?
00:11Soy?
00:12Come on, buddy.
00:14Cowboy up and get some milk.
00:17Forget men.
00:17All right, concentrate on pastries.
00:19Fat-free bran muffin or chocolate croissant.
00:24Get the chocolate croissant.
00:27Satan?
00:28Satan, is that you?
00:30Go ahead, get it.
00:33Oh, I really shouldn't.
00:36Are you kidding? You're a stick.
00:41And that was his pick-up line?
00:44Can you think of a better one?
00:45No one's ever called me a stick before.
00:48I've always wanted to be a stick.
00:50Instead of Twiggy, I'd be sticky.
00:53Okay, that sounded sexier in my head.
00:55Anyway, his name is Craig, and we have a date tonight.
00:58Oh, I am so jealous.
01:00How can you just meet a guy and know that he's straight?
01:03I like this guy in my building, but then I got his video delivery by mistake.
01:07So?
01:08Either he's gay or he's a straight guy that's really into gay porn.
01:12What was the video?
01:13What was the video?
01:14A gay version of Top Gun.
01:16What was it called?
01:17Top Gun.
01:18I don't understand.
01:21Why am I only attracted to the gays?
01:24You know, sweetie, we do have a therapist down the hall.
01:28Maybe you should make an appointment with Sellers and find out why.
01:31Yeah, maybe I should.
01:32I'm tired of being the Latina Liza.
01:36Like David Guest.
01:38I'll be.
01:41Make that appointment today.
01:44Hi, guys.
01:45Hi, Emerson.
01:46Sorry I'm late.
01:47Your friend Taylor called, and she's buying the brownstone on 68th.
01:50Yeah, apparently you told her she looked super cute in it.
01:54Oh, my God.
01:55She so did.
01:57I can't wait to tell my real estate class.
01:59So classes are going well?
02:00Oh, yeah.
02:01I was hoping to have my license before my parents came back from Europe,
02:04but they're flying home tomorrow.
02:07You know what they say about Venice?
02:08Go for five weeks, stay for three.
02:10In my family, we say that about rehab.
02:15Hey, babe.
02:16Hey.
02:17And babes.
02:19Hi, Scott.
02:21Happy anniversary.
02:23Mom, Daisy's my favorite.
02:25You always remember.
02:26I only got a sec.
02:28I got a drywall job downtown.
02:30But it could be my last.
02:32My agent called.
02:33I got a big audition this afternoon.
02:34Oh, that's wonderful.
02:35Oh, great.
02:36I'll see you tonight.
02:37Okay.
02:37Hmm.
02:40Oh, you are such a good mom.
02:48It's your anniversary?
02:50I thought you'd only been married a few months.
02:52Well, we have, but we met a year ago today,
02:55and it was at the Metropolitan Museum.
02:58Scott was doing construction in the museum,
03:00and he happened to notice me as he walked by.
03:03So do you say Van Gogh or Van Gogh?
03:12Van Gogh.
03:13I know guh is correct, but it sounds like I have a hairball.
03:19You know, I spent so much time coming up with my opening line.
03:23I really don't have a follow-up.
03:24Ava.
03:27Scott, I was thinking about grabbing some coffee.
03:30Would you like to join me?
03:32Listen, you are completely adorable,
03:35but don't you think I'm a little too old for you?
03:37Come on, I'm 25.
03:39What are you, like, 35?
03:42How'd you guess?
03:43You lied about your age to your own husband?
03:49I didn't know I was gonna fall in love and marry him.
03:53There's this window of opportunity
03:55at the start of every relationship
03:57when you get to tell your facts.
03:59And after that, it gets real awkward.
04:02My husband waited 10 years to tell me he was gay.
04:06That one may have been awkward right from the start.
04:10You know, maybe I should just bite the bullet
04:13and tell him tonight.
04:14The only thing is, it's just hard to know how to do it.
04:17Well, maybe you could try using Roman numerals.
04:19You could tell him you're
04:20X, X, X, X, V, I, I, I, I, I, I, I hate you.
04:31All the men I'm attracted to turn out to be gay.
04:35And how does that make you feel?
04:37Well, I'm very scared of dating.
04:40These gay men you're attracted to,
04:42do they have anything in common?
04:44Yeah, well, they all seem very comfortable around me.
04:48Straight men, you just touch them like this.
04:53Yes, exactly.
04:57Lola, let's talk about your father.
04:59That's often where we find clues
05:00to why women are attracted to certain types.
05:03Well, my father is a wonderful man.
05:05He's kind, sensitive, he's a fabulous cook,
05:09a great dancer.
05:12And even though we had money,
05:16he was never a bit of a snob.
05:18He'll spend hours and hours in the guest house
05:20with the pool boy.
05:26Here, have the last dumpling.
05:27Oh, no, no, I couldn't.
05:28Why not? You're a rail.
05:30Make up your mind, Craig.
05:31Am I a stick or a rail?
05:35So you're ready for desserts?
05:36Oh, God, are you joking?
05:37One more bite in my navel
05:39or you'll take someone's eye out.
05:40Bing!
05:42Please.
05:42You're skin and bones.
05:44Besides, watching you eat is like
05:46the sexiest thing in the world.
05:49Oh, my case.
05:53Get a load of this.
06:07Gather round, ladies.
06:09I know I've been down
06:10some weird dating roads before.
06:13There was a
06:13take-my-picture-while-I-sleep guy,
06:15cries-after-sex guy,
06:17cries-during-sex guy,
06:20and, gosh, who can forget
06:22ambassador cross-dresser.
06:24Now I think I may be dating
06:26a chubby chaser.
06:31Boink, shrink, sad and schmattin'
06:33The penthouse are in old Manhattan.
06:35And where does he love
06:37if you haven't got love?
06:41Chubby chaser?
06:42That's ridiculous.
06:44You're not chubby.
06:45No, but he's chasing me
06:46in that direction.
06:47Last night, I thought
06:48he was bringing me
06:48an extra pillow.
06:49It was a waffle.
06:53How does that make you feel?
06:57Sorry, something that
06:58I learned from sellers.
07:00You know, Chloe,
07:00if you really want to know
07:01if Craig's a chubby chaser,
07:03find his porn stash.
07:05It's the surest way
07:06to know what a guy's into.
07:08Oh, yeah, I found
07:08Graham's stash.
07:10It was videos
07:11of old Asian women.
07:13How did he explain that?
07:15Oh, I didn't ask him.
07:17We're wasps.
07:20Speaking of ancient
07:21Chinese secrets,
07:22how did your boy
07:24take the news
07:24about your age?
07:25I didn't tell him.
07:27He had a callback
07:28on that part today,
07:29and I didn't want
07:30to upset him.
07:31And besides, you know,
07:31I was thinking,
07:32maybe it doesn't matter.
07:34I mean, it's not like
07:35he looks that much younger.
07:37Hey, guys.
07:40Sorry to interrupt,
07:41but, Ava,
07:43I got the part.
07:44Oh, my God!
07:45Oh, my God!
07:47That's great news!
07:49Oh, yeah!
07:51Yeah!
07:53There's even going to be
07:53a picture of me
07:54in the Times tomorrow.
07:55Oh, that's wonderful!
07:57Just one question, sweetie.
07:58Why do you look
07:59like you're 12?
08:01I came straight
08:01from the set.
08:02What's the show?
08:04Montauk Point.
08:05I love that show!
08:07It's just like
08:07Beverly Hills on 0210,
08:09and they even have
08:09Shannon Doherty.
08:10Yeah, she plays my mom.
08:11Oh!
08:14Your mom?
08:15How old is your character?
08:1717.
08:19So, everyone's going to think
08:21I'm married to a 17-year-old.
08:23Well, who cares what they think?
08:25What's messed up
08:25is the producers
08:26are saying I'm 19,
08:27and they want me
08:28to say it, too,
08:29but I refused.
08:30I just hate that whole
08:31actor-y thing
08:32of lying about your age.
08:33Yet another reason
08:37why I'm so glad
08:38you're not an actress.
08:39Aw, me, too.
08:42I'd better get back
08:43to the set.
08:45Ah!
08:46What's in your mouth?
08:47I'm sorry.
08:48Retainers.
08:52So, um,
08:54how does that
08:54make you feel?
08:55Who wants gumbo?
09:07Wow, I would love some.
09:10Oh, you wouldn't happen
09:12to have any bread
09:12to go with that,
09:13would you?
09:14Maybe some melted cheese
09:16on it?
09:18You are insatiable.
09:19Uh-huh.
09:26Uh-huh.
09:28Oh.
09:33Yep, I'm dating
09:35a chubby chaser.
09:37I found Craig's porn stash,
09:38and he definitely
09:39likes them big.
09:40How big?
09:42Let's just say
09:42the centerfolds open
09:43up, down,
09:45and a crocs.
09:49Hi, guys.
09:50Hi.
09:50Hello.
09:51Bad news.
09:52Honey, what's wrong?
09:54When I told my parents
09:55about my working here,
09:56they said,
09:57real estate is something
09:58you own,
09:58not something you do.
10:01So, I have to quit.
10:03Are you kidding?
10:04Well, do you have to do
10:05everything your parents
10:06tell you?
10:08Pretty much.
10:09Don't you want to
10:10make your own decisions?
10:11Don't you want to
10:11be your own woman?
10:13They give me
10:13$20,000 a month.
10:15Do you want
10:15an adopted sister?
10:18I know you think
10:19I'm a wuss,
10:20but they were just
10:21so upset about
10:22the whole Graham thing.
10:23I couldn't do it.
10:25Oh, you ever saw
10:26I'm so sorry.
10:27Oh, me too.
10:28And if it makes you
10:29feel any better,
10:30I'm a bigger wuss
10:31than you are.
10:32I didn't tell Scott
10:33my real age.
10:34Thought you were
10:35gonna tell him last night.
10:36I was,
10:37but he was too busy
10:38doing a phone interview
10:39for Tiger Beat.
10:42What are you eating?
10:45Oh, Craig packed me
10:46a pre-lunch.
10:48It comes after brunch
10:50before lunch.
10:52I don't know, Chloe.
10:53That's a little freaky.
10:54I used to think
10:55the same thing,
10:56but think about it.
10:56He's super cute and fun,
10:58and to be able to eat
10:59whatever you want,
11:01I mean, how liberating
11:02is that?
11:03When I ask,
11:04do I look fat in this?
11:04He'll say,
11:05nope, keep eating.
11:07To him,
11:07the cellulite on my ass
11:08is like Angelina Jolie's lips.
11:10My ship has come in, ladies,
11:17and it's a gravy boat.
11:22I say go for it.
11:25I think I found a guy, too.
11:27Who?
11:28I'm not gonna say it,
11:29but I know he's straight.
11:31Well, you go for it, too.
11:33What about you?
11:34When are you gonna go for it?
11:35I'm gonna tell Scott tonight.
11:38Hmm.
11:39I've heard this word before
11:40in that same order.
11:42All right.
11:43I will go home
11:45and tell him over lunch.
11:46Post-lunch is better.
11:48They're cookies.
11:51Oh, you know,
11:52you guys have really inspired me.
11:53Give me those keys back.
11:55I'm gonna go for it, too.
11:56I mean, there's gotta be
11:57some way to show my parents
11:58that all real estate women
11:59are not pushy and vulgar.
12:02They think that?
12:03Oh, don't take it personally.
12:04They think the same thing
12:05about nuns.
12:08I know this is only
12:10our third session,
12:11but I think I've had
12:12what you call
12:13the breakthrough.
12:15That's great.
12:17There's a guy that I know
12:18who I feel totally safe with,
12:20who I completely trust.
12:22You know I'm not
12:23a promiscuous woman,
12:24but I believe
12:25if I can be with him
12:26and experience the difference
12:27with a straight guy,
12:28he'll be so helpful for me.
12:32That could be.
12:33So who's the lucky guy?
12:36It's you, Sellers.
12:41I want to have sex with you.
12:43Charlie, you gotta help me.
13:00A patient of mine
13:01just said she wants
13:02to have sex with me.
13:04Go on.
13:07It's Lola.
13:08Holy...
13:10Wait, so you're gay?
13:11No, of course not.
13:16What do you think
13:17I should do?
13:19Well, uh,
13:20there's two ways
13:21we can have this conversation.
13:22Doctor to doctor
13:23or dude to dude.
13:26Okay.
13:27Well, doctor to doctor,
13:28it's an unequivocal breach
13:29of professional ethics.
13:32And dude to dude?
13:33Dude.
13:35Dude.
13:35Dude.
13:35Dude.
13:35Dude.
13:36Dude.
13:36Dude.
13:36Dude.
13:36Dude.
13:37Dude.
13:37Dude.
13:38Dude.
13:38Dude.
13:38Dude.
13:38Dude.
13:39Dude.
13:39Dude.
13:40Dude.
13:41Dude.
13:41Dude.
13:44Lola, it's called
13:45transference.
13:46Patients think they're in love
13:48with their therapists
13:49and ethical doctors
13:50must discourage
13:51the delusion
13:52that a relationship
13:53is possible.
13:53I don't want
13:54a relationship.
13:55I just want
13:56to have sex
13:56with you.
13:59There's nothing
14:00physical or personal.
14:02I just want
14:02to have sex
14:03with a straight guy
14:03that I trust
14:04and that is you.
14:08Lola, I'm sorry.
14:09Mary, I can't.
14:12Dude.
14:18Mary, you look like the kind of woman
14:21that would have a bottle in her drawer.
14:23Hell, I've even got ice and lemons.
14:25How do you want it?
14:26Straight. Just once.
14:33Hey, sweetheart. Oh, hey.
14:36Shep, hey.
14:38I have something to tell you.
14:40Scott, is that the pizza?
14:42Who's that?
14:43It's Madison. She plays my girlfriend on the show.
14:46Hi. Hi.
14:48I hope it's cool that I came by to run lines with Scott.
14:51Tomorrow's our big breakup scene at the prom.
14:53Aww.
14:55Well, would you like some champagne?
14:57Oh, can't. Underage.
14:59But thanks for offering. God, I wish my mom were as cool as you.
15:08You know what to do with this.
15:12Oh, yeah.
15:14Hey, sweetie.
15:16Scott, what are you doing here?
15:18Well, you seemed upset. Even Madison picked up on it, and she's an idiot.
15:25And I know this is where you come when something's bothering you.
15:28Scott.
15:29Scott.
15:30Scott.
15:31When we met here the first time, I lied about my age.
15:35Oh.
15:36Well, how old are you?
15:38I'm as old as I told you I was, plus the number of times we made love this week.
15:53Bedroom.
15:54Bedroom.
15:55Kitchen.
15:56Bedroom.
15:57Bedroom.
15:58Bedroom.
15:59Laundry room.
16:00Shower.
16:01Okay.
16:02I got it.
16:03So, what do you think?
16:04Oh.
16:05Well, how old are you?
16:06I'm as old as I told you I was, plus the number of times we made love this week.
16:08Bedroom.
16:09Kitchen.
16:10Bedroom.
16:11Bedroom.
16:12Laundry room.
16:13Shower.
16:14Okay.
16:15I got it.
16:16So, what do you think?
16:21I think you're a dirty old lady.
16:26It's just a number, Ava.
16:28It doesn't matter.
16:31Look at this painting.
16:35Who cares how old it is?
16:38It's beautiful.
16:40And timeless.
16:42Just like you.
16:46Scott.
16:49You want to go out a couple years to your life?
16:52I do.
16:53But first I've got to go by the office and pick up those contracts for the closing in the morning.
17:00That was a bit of a mood killer, wasn't it?
17:03I don't know.
17:06Bedroom.
17:07Bedroom.
17:08Laundry room.
17:10Your desk.
17:12That's strange.
17:13It's locked.
17:14But look, they gave me a key.
17:15And as soon as you meet them, you're going to see how respectable and professional they
17:19all are.
17:20Especially Ava.
17:21Ava!
17:22Ah!
17:23God!
17:24Ever said hi.
17:25Uh, uh, uh, uh, Ava and Scott, uh, these are my parents.
17:37Oh, how do you do?
17:38Hello.
17:39Hi.
17:40Pleasure.
17:41I'm so sorry.
17:42I didn't think anybody was coming by.
17:44Obviously.
17:45I called.
17:46Lola said to come right over.
17:49Lola's not here.
17:50I'm here.
17:51I'm also, I'm, I'm also have been drinking.
17:58Hi.
17:59I wanted you guys to meet Craig.
18:00What's going on?
18:01Chloe, these are my parents.
18:03Hi.
18:04Hello.
18:05Well, hello.
18:13I'm Craig.
18:14Nice to meet you.
18:15Nice to meet you.
18:16Nice to meet you.
18:19Craig?
18:20Hi.
18:21Honey, how about I meet you at home?
18:23Well, that sounds great.
18:24Actually, Craig's going to be taking off, too.
18:25I think that's for the best.
18:26Oh, no, I can stay after you.
18:27No, no, that's all right.
18:28Yeah, you can get your cab with.
18:29Okay, thank you.
18:31Maybe you should all stop spinning around.
18:34Sit down.
18:37Emerson, I can't believe that these are the women you wanted us to meet.
18:42That one's drunk.
18:43This one's got what I pray is whipped cream in her hair.
18:46And this one is carrying on with a teenager.
18:48He's not a teenager.
18:50He's 19.
18:51I saw his picture in the Times.
18:54He killed me.
18:55But I'm only drunk because my psychiatrist wouldn't have sex with me.
19:02Let's go, Emerson.
19:03This is obviously no place for you.
19:05You have nothing in common with these women.
19:07Miss Hernandez doesn't seem so bad.
19:09Okay, look, okay, obviously, these women make mistakes.
19:14But that's because they take risks.
19:17And I want to do that.
19:18I want to be my own person.
19:20Well, maybe you'd like to pay your own bills.
19:22Maybe you'll see how you do without our check every month.
19:25Wow.
19:26Not signing that big check is sure gonna leave quite a void in your guys' lives.
19:30Mom, Dad, can I call you that?
19:32You've been using money to control me my whole life.
19:37I've made my decision.
19:39I'm working here.
19:41Well, then.
19:43I guess there's nothing else to say.
19:45Let's go.
19:47So soon?
19:50Mars?
19:55Well, Emerson?
20:02Oh, my God.
20:05I have never seen my dad yell like that before.
20:12Emerson, I am so sorry for this.
20:15Me too.
20:16Yeah, we're really sorry.
20:17I'm not.
20:19I mean, I should have done this years ago.
20:23Well, welcome to the firm again.
20:26So how do you feel?
20:28I feel great.
20:30I feel free.
20:32I feel independent.
20:34You know what?
20:35And I feel like taking my coworkers to the swankiest hotel in Manhattan
20:39for an unbridled spending spree.
20:41Yeah, you know what?
20:42My parents' accountants don't get in until 7 a.m.
20:45Let's melt this sucker down!
20:47Yeah!
20:48Hey, let's get a massage.
20:50Let's get room service.
20:51Let's get massaged by room service.
20:53Awesome!
20:54Oh, wait.
20:55Chloe?
20:56What about Craig?
20:57Oh, I'm through with him.
20:58That was never gonna work out in the long run.
21:00You know, no matter how fat I got,
21:03there'd always be somebody fatter.
21:09Does that make you free?
21:10That's enough of that.
21:12?
21:21What the...
21:22?
21:24?!
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