- 27 minutes ago
Have I Got News for You S70 E11
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00:00¡Gracias!
00:30Good evening.
00:32Welcome to Have I Got 2025.
00:34For you, I'm Jason Manford.
00:36I'm Angela Rippon.
00:37I'm Roy Wood Jr.
00:38I'm Martin Clunes.
00:39In the news this year...
00:40In Leatherhead, hidden camera footage reveals to MI5
00:43how the network of Bulgarian spies were exchanging secret information.
00:48LAUGHTER
01:00As a school talent show near Hinkley Point,
01:02one pupil shows off the benefits of living so close
01:05to a nuclear power station.
01:15At Britain's largest container crane in Tilbury,
01:18the operator has just been told to expect a visit from Rachel Reeves.
01:26In Arbroath, at the opening of an exhibition on the history of trowels,
01:29one woman wonders how long it'll be before she can sneak out for a fag.
01:37And in Pyongyang,
01:38Kim Jong-un finds a way round his dietician's strict orders
01:41that no more alcohol should pass his lips.
01:44Oh, that's the previous Prime Minister.
01:59That's the fiscal drag queen.
02:02And that's next week's Prime Minister.
02:05This is the Labour Party.
02:07They've imitated most of the previous government's antics,
02:10so they thought, why not have a civil war?
02:12Do you know what? It's like nuts.
02:14You've got people who are completely allergic to nuts
02:16and people who really, really love nuts.
02:18And Keir Starmer's gone, I've got three nuts.
02:22LAUGHTER
02:24That's exactly what it is.
02:30LAUGHTER
02:32What was missing from his conference speech?
02:35A trapeze axe.
02:37That was the Lib Dem conference.
02:39Oh, yeah.
02:40There was a line of policy, but he was advised to take it out,
02:44which was something on the economy
02:46that promised growth you can feel in your pocket.
02:49LAUGHTER
02:51He'd take your mind off the economy, though, wouldn't he?
02:54LAUGHTER
02:55Oh, bless.
02:57Dear Adrian.
03:01He's hopeless.
03:03He's got to get it together.
03:05LAUGHTER
03:06But, of course, everyone can make mistakes, though,
03:08can't they, Sophie?
03:09LAUGHTER
03:12There has been a number.
03:14Yes.
03:15There's one really, really embarrassing one
03:17that I have a horrible feeling it is.
03:18I think it might be that one.
03:19Yeah.
03:20Let's have a look.
03:21Joining us in our studio now is the leader of Scottish Labour...
03:24Labour, sorry.
03:25Thank you so much for helping with us today.
03:33She later apologised and explained she didn't mean it clitorally.
03:36LAUGHTER
03:42Rachel Reeves, what do you think is going to happen to her?
03:45Well, she made a mistake.
03:47She's been exonerated and the Prime Minister was absolutely right
03:49to accept her apology.
03:51Do you think people who make mistakes should be exonerated, or...?
03:54Well, the Prime Minister was equally magnanimous with me,
03:56which is why I'm really delighted I'm still serving as Transport Secretary.
03:59LAUGHTER
04:01According to one poll on the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
04:03two-thirds of the public think Rachel Reeves should resign,
04:06to which a concerned Reeves remarked,
04:08blimey, that is nearly 50%.
04:10LAUGHTER
04:12It's also been reported that Auntie Lorena came very close to appearing
04:15on this year's I'm a Celebrity.
04:17Apparently, she was very tempted by the idea she could claim the camp
04:20as her primary residence.
04:21LAUGHTER
04:23APPLAUSE
04:25What's rumbling on for Starmer?
04:27The Chinese spy case.
04:28This is absolutely right.
04:30No-one seeming to be able to buy the government's claims
04:33that the case collapsing wasn't their fault.
04:35I think the cover that China may not be our best friends
04:38may have been blown a while back.
04:40And also, they're listening to you through your toaster,
04:43which I don't like.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:48What sort of toaster have you got?
04:50Um...
04:52I suppose it's the Huawei spy toaster.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:57Look, I'm not an expert, but they're so...
05:01LAUGHTER
05:02They're so desperate for all this information...
05:04Yeah.
05:05..that it seems to call into question
05:07how effective fortune cookies are.
05:09LAUGHTER
05:10You know what I mean?
05:12LAUGHTER
05:13You think about it...
05:15APPLAUSE
05:17APPLAUSE
05:19Ah, yes, this is the fervid ventures
05:21of the biggest tosspot they ever lived.
05:23LAUGHTER
05:25Yeah, there he is, Trump.
05:27He's knocking down the east wing of the White House,
05:30which is not even a metaphor for what he's doing to America.
05:33LAUGHTER
05:34It's too obvious and blatant and on the nose for that.
05:36There's no rhyme or reason to it at all.
05:38He's placed 10% tariff on these islands near Antarctica,
05:42where the only inhabitants are penguins.
05:44LAUGHTER
05:45And the penguins are there like, what did we do?
05:47LAUGHTER
05:48I didn't like happy feet, I thought it was a terrible move.
05:51LAUGHTER
05:53What else has Trump been changing at the White House?
05:56His underwear.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:58What underwear do you think he has?
06:00Padded and absorbent.
06:02LAUGHTER
06:07As part of his annual check-up, Donald Trump had a colonoscopy.
06:11Mm!
06:12LAUGHTER
06:13Well, they found Keir Starmer.
06:16LAUGHTER
06:21He has to be a winner.
06:22He can't possibly become second.
06:24He has to be the biggest, best...
06:26The best cognitive test.
06:28Absolutely.
06:29Nobody has ever done this test.
06:30We've tested millions of people.
06:31Yeah.
06:32We've done absolute more and have done better than...
06:34LAUGHTER
06:35We really are a mate.
06:37We've just...
06:38Don't know how you do it.
06:39Mm.
06:40Something has dampened his mood, though.
06:42What might that have been?
06:43Was it the cover of...
06:44The cover of Time magazine.
06:45The cover of Time magazine.
06:46That's right.
06:47Where he was all jowly and his hair looked thin.
06:49Yeah.
06:50Didn't like it.
06:51There he is.
06:52Trump wrote on Truth Social,
06:54The picture may be the worst of all time.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:58Come on, Donald.
06:59It's not as bad as this one.
07:01It's not as bad as it's the worst of all time.
07:05LAUGHTER
07:06Jeffrey Epstein's emails seem to implicate Trump,
07:08with one saying,
07:09Of course he knew about the girls.
07:11In fairness to Trump,
07:12a lot of what Epstein wrote wasn't true,
07:14like his suicide note.
07:15So...
07:16LAUGHTER
07:18In other news,
07:22why is Donald Trump not happy with the BBC?
07:24Panorama edited together a bit of Trump's speech
07:29He does not want the case to happen here because damages in British court rarely exceed £100,000...
07:33They do sometimes!
07:37So, quite a bit.
07:39He doesn't want the case to happen here.
07:45He doesn't want the case to happen here because damages in British courts rarely exceed
07:50£100,000, which could be why...
07:52They do sometimes!
07:54¡No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
07:56¡No, no, no, no, no!
07:58¡Hold on, hold on!
08:00¡Guys, hold on!
08:01¡Breaking news!
08:02¿Bara un look a bit?
08:03¡Andu es no longer a prince!
08:05¡Es perfecto!
08:07¡Gracias!
08:10¡Qué ha pasado!
08:12¡The bad news is he's become king!
08:15¡Yeah!
08:16¡Gracias!
08:21King Charles seems to have had enough, finally.
08:24Yeah, this policy of letting Andrew announce...
08:27A what?
08:28Oh, announce, sorry.
08:37I kept putting a U in it.
08:40Announce what's going to happen to himself hasn't gone so well.
08:43It's like salami slicing.
08:45That's what people wanted.
08:46That's what they should do to him.
08:47Yeah.
08:50According to the statement from Buckingham Palace,
08:52Prince Andrew has been forced to give up all his styles, titles
08:55and honours.
08:56However, he does get to keep his Pizza Express loyalty card.
09:05Oh, St Peter's Square.
09:07The Pope's dead.
09:09On Easter Monday, wasn't it?
09:10It was.
09:11Yes, indeed.
09:12Shortly after he met JD Vance.
09:14Yes.
09:15You can see the look in the Pope's eyes, can't you?
09:17Right, that's it, I'm off.
09:21This is indeed the news that the Pope has died.
09:24Thousands of mourners got the chance to file past the Pope's coffin
09:29just as soon as Holly and Phil had paid their respects.
09:32LAUGHTER
09:35Sorry, I've just got to get that, hang on.
09:38Hello, yeah.
09:39Well, I could start on Monday.
09:41LAUGHTER
09:45Yeah, I was brought up as a Catholic, yeah.
09:48LAUGHTER
09:56I've got to finish this and I'll be with you.
09:58Yeah, yeah.
09:59Heh-he!
10:01I don't care about the score now.
10:03That's fantastic.
10:04Habamus Papam.
10:05How dare you!
10:06LAUGHTER
10:07Your mind is too filthy to be Pope.
10:09That's the problem with you.
10:10LAUGHTER
10:14It's true though, isn't it?
10:15I think you should look into the history of the Popes.
10:17APPLAUSE
10:18One Italian candidate for Pope is Cardinal Pizzabella,
10:25who once offered himself up in a hostage exchange deal.
10:30A deal that also included free garlic bread and a bottle of Fanta.
10:35How has a Wensleydale vicar upset his flock?
10:38He confused the term brass rubbing with bras rubbing.
10:42Got into trouble with a front row pew.
10:44Residents in Asgrig, Wensleydale are furious after a 15th century
10:48church tower was given a limewash render.
10:50They were promised it would be a soft honey colour.
10:52Yes.
10:53Here's what it looked like before.
10:54Good, lovely.
10:55Here's what it looks like now.
10:57Oh!
10:58That's punchy, isn't it?
10:59That's not good.
11:00Very unlike the church to whitewash something.
11:02LAUGHTER
11:09Like collections, bin collection.
11:11There's Farage.
11:12It's Nigel Geddon.
11:16I mean, presumably, over the course of this series,
11:18people will say, probably they're already saying,
11:20the show is now mentioning Nigel Farage.
11:23And the press is, and that is the dilemma.
11:25Do you address what he's saying?
11:27Because it seems to be either wrong or in need of correction
11:30or dangerous or incitement or hypocritical or whatever.
11:33I mean, people mispronouncing his name.
11:35It's far right.
11:37It's a minor thing, though.
11:40What has Nigel Farage got more of than any other UK politician?
11:45Is it bears named after him?
11:47It's not.
11:48Farage has got digital clout.
11:50Oh, dear, you can get ointment for that.
11:53LAUGHTER
11:56How did Nigel Farage make his entrance?
11:58Did we just shut it out of a cannon?
12:00LAUGHTER
12:01Or was it in a rubber boat?
12:02That'd be funny.
12:03I mean, if you've done...
12:04LAUGHTER
12:06Crowdsurfing!
12:08APPLAUSE
12:10Would you like to see a highlight of that conference?
12:12Is it the singing?
12:13Yes.
12:14Oh, good. Yeah, let's have that.
12:15I'm an insomniac!
12:18I'm an insomniac!
12:20And all I have to fear
12:22Is to stand with that
12:24To the heart
12:26To stand with that door
12:28I'm an insomniac!
12:31What the hell is this?!
12:33LAUGHTER
12:34That's Andrea Jenkins, former Tory MP.
12:37When she was a Tory, she was sitting where you were on this programme.
12:40No, really?
12:41I was on that thing, you said,
12:42I don't think we'll see her again.
12:43LAUGHTER
12:45Now look what you've done, Ian!
12:47And it's her song.
12:49She's written it, hasn't it?
12:50She wrote it!
12:51In the middle of the night, presumably, thinking...
12:53LAUGHTER
12:55APPLAUSE
12:57That's a cheering scene, isn't it?
13:02Oh!
13:03LAUGHTER
13:04She's back.
13:05This is the Tory conference, and I believe you were there.
13:07So, was it as empty as it looked?
13:09Uh, yes.
13:12LAUGHTER
13:13What's Cammy Badenauk celebrating?
13:15Oh, one year.
13:16One year.
13:17Oh, yeah.
13:18She's celebrating that, from now on, rebel backbenchers can put in letters of no confidence.
13:22Yeah.
13:23She's done a year, but as Sky News pointed out, a grace period stopping MPs from submitting letters of no competence...
13:28Competenters!
13:29LAUGHTER
13:30That's brilliant.
13:31A Freudian slip, Catherine.
13:33APPLAUSE
13:34LAUGHTER
13:35It's Robert Jenrick.
13:38It is.
13:39The story is, he's been going down the tube...
13:42Um...
13:43Literally.
13:44LAUGHTER
13:45He's not the Tory leader, but he'd quite like to be, so he's leading a campaign against crime.
13:50On the London Underground, pointing out fair dodgers.
13:53Mm.
13:54Do you think it's a right not to pay?
13:55Why don't you go back and pay?
13:56F*** off.
13:57You can say f*** off as much as you want.
13:58Oh, no.
13:59But everyone else has to pay.
14:01You're carrying a knife, do you say?
14:02It's the same with bike theft, phone theft, tool theft, shoplifting, drugs in town centres, weird Turkish barber shops.
14:14I'm confused, though. Is that a barber shop specifically serving weird turks?
14:20According to The Sun, Jenrick was repeatedly told to f*** off.
14:25He then left his house.
14:27LAUGHTER
14:31This is the Tory party conference.
14:33Over the weekend, the conference was so sparsely attended that several Tory MPs had to go back to the hotel and have an affair with themselves.
14:41LAUGHTER
14:50We don't know who that is.
14:52Elon Musk was a keynote speaker at the US-Saudi Investment Forum, which sounds fascinating.
14:58What cheery prediction did he make?
15:00Was it AI?
15:01No.
15:02No.
15:03Musk said, ultimately, there will be tens of billions of humanoid robots roaming the earth. Let's have a look at one of them.
15:12LAUGHTER
15:13APPLAUSE
15:14They're very lifelike, apparently, these humanoid robots.
15:19Yeah.
15:20They have detachable hands.
15:21The Saudis.
15:22LAUGHTER
15:23Talking about exciting big world events, Helen, where have you just been?
15:28Yes, I went to the first ever Riyadh stand-up comedy festival.
15:31I wasn't even offered it.
15:32I wasn't even offered.
15:33I would have had some of that sweet blood money.
15:37LAUGHTER
15:38But luckily, I'm in the running for the Boko Haram Giggle Fest.
15:43LAUGHTER
15:45Not for that.
15:46That's the one.
15:48LAUGHTER
15:49Who or what do 44% of people trust more than anyone, including their family?
15:54God?
15:55LAUGHTER
15:56Close.
15:57AI.
15:58Oh.
15:59Oh, that's just tragic.
16:00And the head of Google said this week, don't trust AI.
16:04And you think, you put it out there.
16:06It's amazing what it can do.
16:08Yes.
16:09Would anyone like to see Ian and Paul as Muppets?
16:12Ian.
16:13LAUGHTER
16:16That's good.
16:17Oh!
16:18I like that.
16:20And, Paul, here's one of you.
16:23LAUGHTER
16:26They look so benign, don't they?
16:28Maybe we could do this to world leaders to make them seem less threatening.
16:31Here's Xi Jinping.
16:33LAUGHTER
16:35Here's Putin.
16:36LAUGHTER
16:37And here's Trump.
16:39LAUGHTER
16:42Ian, do you want to guess?
16:43It's Gary Lineker.
16:44You're right!
16:45Is it?
16:46Yes.
16:47APPLAUSE
16:48Of course it is.
16:49Well, it didn't take him long to get a new job, did it?
16:50Yeah.
16:51Is he presenting Crutch of the Day?
16:52Yes.
16:53Is there any explanation for that photo?
16:54It's just...
16:55No, no, it's just...
16:56Yeah.
16:57It was just in my wallet.
16:58LAUGHTER
16:59Kelly, you managed to upset a couple of fellow North Westerners.
17:00What did I do?
17:01Well, perhaps we should look at what you did.
17:02After three wins in four, particularly after the win against Biden,
17:03we're expecting he's going to be in a good mood.
17:04How significant was that?
17:05How significant was that?
17:06Well, it didn't take him long to get a new job, did it?
17:07Yeah.
17:08Is he presenting Crutch of the Day?
17:09Yeah.
17:10Is there any explanation for that photo?
17:12It's just...
17:13No, no, it's just...
17:14Yeah.
17:15It was just in my wallet.
17:16LAUGHTER
17:17So...
17:18Kelly, you managed to upset a couple of fellow North Westerners.
17:22What did I do?
17:23Well, perhaps we should look at what you did.
17:26After three wins in four, particularly after the win against Biden,
17:29we're expecting he's going to be in a good mood.
17:31How significant was that last win?
17:32It was a huge win.
17:34I mean, do you think...
17:36LAUGHTER
17:41Was it done as an April Fool joke or something?
17:43No, they just aren't very good at walking and talking.
17:47They were supposed to answer...
17:48Yes.
17:49..and then go.
17:50Right.
17:51LAUGHTER
17:52But they made it look natural.
17:54LAUGHTER
17:56Paris Saint-Germain have won the Champions League.
17:58PSG defeated four Premier League teams on their way to the final.
18:01Some football experts attributed this to the English club's
18:04heavier schedule.
18:05Other pundits put it down to an inability to modernise their tactics,
18:09while Gary Lineker blamed Benjamin Netanyahu.
18:12It's good that someone does.
18:15Just saying.
18:17APPLAUSE
18:27Is it a cheese rolling?
18:28Oh, God.
18:29Yeah.
18:30That was fantastic.
18:31Absolutely.
18:32The annual cheese rolling contest at Cooper's Hill took place this weekend.
18:37And a wonderful, wonderful quaint English tradition.
18:41Take a look.
18:42LAUGHTER
18:43LAUGHTER
18:44You can only do stuff like that when you're in a country with good health care.
18:59Like that?
19:00Yeah.
19:01LAUGHTER
19:02That's a...
19:05What did one of the winners have to say after the race?
19:09Aw!
19:10LAUGHTER
19:12LAUGHTER
19:13According to the BBC, after the race,
19:16several people were taken to the hospital to have their heads checked.
19:20LAUGHTER
19:21LAUGHTER
19:26BUZZER
19:27Oh.
19:28LAUGHTER
19:29When I pressed the button, he wasn't wearing a beret or holding a pallet.
19:32LAUGHTER
19:33Um, right, so there's these rats that have been doing these paintings,
19:36which have gone extremely well.
19:37What they do is they dip the rats into blue paint and they walk across the canvas
19:40and somebody in New York Art Gallery has paid £12 million with this huge canvas
19:43that's rat-based.
19:44Yeah.
19:45Yeah, what do you mean, yeah?
19:46Can't be right.
19:47LAUGHTER
19:48This is the news that a group of rats in Somerset have launched their painting career.
19:51No, they haven't.
19:52They haven't launched it.
19:53Somebody else has done it.
19:54LAUGHTER
19:55How are these artworks created by the rats?
19:58By dipping them in paint and then shoving them across something.
20:00Yes.
20:01It's either that or giving them lessons in perspective.
20:03LAUGHTER
20:04That's exactly right.
20:05Shall we have a look at the rats masterpiece?
20:06Yeah, go on, then.
20:07Yes.
20:08Here we go.
20:09Wow.
20:10Oh, no, he's proud of it.
20:12Can they say he's proud?
20:13Oh.
20:14Their owner, Steph Toogood, told the BBC she wants to shift people's opinions
20:18of rats.
20:19She has 16 rats, but only 12 of them paint.
20:21Oh, really?
20:22What are the others who sculpt?
20:23Er...
20:29How are the Labour Council of Birmingham doing with the bin strike?
20:33Not well.
20:34Yeah, not too well.
20:35And the rats are now 17 feet.
20:38They just need to send in cats the size of dogs.
20:39LAUGHTER
20:40According to The Sun, the streets were being invaded by rats the size of cats.
20:44They just need to send in cats the size of dogs.
20:47LAUGHTER
20:49The Mail Online gave this graphic illustration of how bad the rat problem is.
20:58LAUGHTER
20:59It's not the best way to sell a glove on eBay, is it?
21:02LAUGHTER
21:03People who like this item also like this item.
21:06LAUGHTER
21:15Yes, this is Penguin.
21:16They're not allowed to call themselves chocolate any more.
21:18Oh, yes.
21:19Because there's not enough chocolate in it.
21:20That's right.
21:21So they can no longer say, this is a chocolate bar.
21:23They have to say...
21:24It's a bit like Prince Andrew, isn't it?
21:25It is.
21:26Penguin's can no longer be legally described as chocolate due to a reduction
21:30of cocoa in their recipes.
21:32Their status has now been downgraded to chocolate flavour.
21:36LAUGHTER
21:37Now, do you remember this, Club Biscuit's classic slogan?
21:40If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit, join our club!
21:46See, it's clever advertising because it's not saying there is a lot
21:49of chocolate on a club biscuit.
21:50No.
21:51It's something that if you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit,
21:53then join our club.
21:54But you may not find a lot of chocolate on this club,
21:56even though that's your preferred biscuit of choice.
21:59Yeah.
22:00I think I'm going mad.
22:02LAUGHTER
22:03Won't they now change the slogan to...
22:06If you don't want any chocolate on your biscuit...
22:08LAUGHTER
22:09..eat one of these?
22:11LAUGHTER
22:12Time now for the odd one-out round.
22:13Anne Boleyn's fingers, murders in Midsommar,
22:17Elon Musk's progeny and penises on the bio tapestry.
22:22PHONE RINGS
22:24Well, Anne Boleyn was repeated to have six fingers.
22:27Yes.
22:28The connection is extra numbers...
22:30Extra bits?
22:31Extra bits.
22:32OK.
22:33And Elon Musk has over eight million children.
22:36LAUGHTER
22:38He has a disputed number of children, I think.
22:41Yes.
22:42So I would think that three of them are in dispute,
22:44whereas in Midsommar Murders, there is a hell of a lot of murders,
22:47but there's a clear figure.
22:48So it could be Midsommar Murders.
22:49Is exactly the right answer.
22:52APPLAUSE
22:53Midsommar, witnessed exactly 388 murders.
22:56One death involved a tumble dryer.
23:00TUMBLE DRYER
23:01TUMBLE DRYER
23:02TUMBLE DRYER
23:03TUMBLE DRYER
23:04TUMBLE DRYER
23:05TUMBLE DRYER
23:06TUMBLE DRYER
23:07TUMBLE DRYER
23:08TUMBLE DRYER
23:10HTTP
23:11TUMBLE DRYER
23:12TUMBLE DRYER
23:14TOGETHERS
23:16Where's the whole body in there?
23:17He could've shrunk in the wash first, then.
23:19Now, the number of penises embroidered on the buyer tapestry.
23:25Dr Christopher Monk, an expert on AngloSaxon nudity.
23:29LAUGHTER
23:30¡Adiós!
23:32¡Adiós!
23:34A reciente spotted, a missed penis,
23:38que ha llevado el total a la gran gran 94.
23:41Este es un cosa que men hacen es que piensen,
23:44que piensen a ver sus penises a su vida.
23:47Están enviando a esta foto de ellos.
23:49¿Ale sugere que el tapestero es una gran dick pic?
23:54Elon Musk es de haber estado ofrecido con su esperanza a amigos.
23:58Just a sherry for me.
24:05Time now for the Missing Words Round and we start with...
24:08Shock as what wins election?
24:11Lawnmower.
24:12Labour Party.
24:15Eileen Jacobs.
24:17That's the closest answer yet.
24:19Shock as Adolf Hitler wins election.
24:23Not that one.
24:25This Adolf Hitler is a local councillor in Namibia.
24:28There'd be someone called Eileen Jacobs at home and Paul would have said her name.
24:31Firstly, she'd be like, oh, my God, Eileen Jacobs.
24:33And then you'd go, yeah, that's the closest yet.
24:35It was Adolf Hitler.
24:36Yeah.
24:39Well, Eileen needs to stop her programme of National Socialism.
24:42Now the BBC's going to get sued by Eileen Jacobs as well.
24:45Yeah.
24:46Come on, Eileen.
24:52Next up.
24:53A woman who threw message in a bottle into sea to find romantic connection, what?
24:58A woman who threw message in a bottle into sea to find romantic connection gets reply saying,
25:13please stop throwing rubbish in the sea.
25:15LAUGHTER
25:16And here is Lorraine Forbes with her bottle.
25:24Well, Lorraine has sent many messages looking for love in plastic bottles,
25:28one of which literally took its recipient's breath away
25:31when it got wedged in a dolphin's blowhole.
25:35Net, beginners to the world of roller skating should remember the saying what?
25:40It's not the rock in your roll, it's the glide in your slide.
25:43What?
25:44Beginners to the world of roller skating should remember the saying,
25:48don't go near the jungle because to a tiger you're mills on wheels.
25:53Should remember the saying, you look like a tosser.
25:58LAUGHTER
25:59These are all very good.
26:02Yeah.
26:02Sadly, the answer is,
26:04beginners to the world of roller skating should remember the saying,
26:07drill it till you kill it.
26:10Drill it till you kill it,
26:11also being Donald Trump's environmental policy.
26:14LAUGHTER
26:14Next, local council plans Britain's first ever festival dedicated to what?
26:20Corruption.
26:21LAUGHTER
26:22Local council plans Britain's first ever festival dedicated to Margaret Thatcher.
26:27Oh, really?
26:29LAUGHTER
26:30The festival will feature special beers to celebrate Thatcher,
26:33including Iron Lady and Grantham Lass.
26:36And, for later in her life, old peculiar.
26:38LAUGHTER
26:39There'll be a variety of events at the Thatcher Festival,
26:42but apparently no dancing, because her grave is elsewhere.
26:45LAUGHTER
26:46APPLAUSE
26:47Finally, German priests surprised to discover what
26:53while watching TV documentary?
26:55Discover his house has been condemned.
26:57Worse than that.
26:58His tomatoes have been condemned.
27:00No.
27:01German priests surprised to discover
27:03he's Himmler's grandson while watching TV documentary.
27:08Priest Henrik Linkert said,
27:10If one could resurrect people,
27:13I'd grab Grandpa and give him a good thrashing.
27:17Oh, that's priests for you, isn't it?
27:18My advice...
27:19LAUGHTER
27:20APPLAUSE
27:21But, before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
27:26Do you think I should stop the ozempic now?
27:28LAUGHTER
27:29In a moment of compassion, Prince Andrew is given a much-needed drink.
27:34LAUGHTER
27:35APPLAUSE
27:36And I leave you with news that there's a deflating moment for the king,
27:42as it's explained that he has nothing to unveil,
27:44and he is simply visiting a curtain factory.
27:46LAUGHTER
27:47In Whitby, excitement gave way to disappointment after a sighting of the UK's biggest cockle turned out to be a false alarm.
27:58LAUGHTER
27:59And speculation about the identity of the new James Bond reaches fever pitch.
28:07LAUGHTER
28:09Happy Christmas.
28:13Happy Christmas.
28:14Good news, there are loads more episodes on iPlayer now.
28:29Well, for one family, a surprise visit to Lapland will make a Christmas.
28:33They'll never forget drama stuffed on iPlayer.
28:36This and everything across the BBC is made possible because we're funded by you.
28:40Thank you.
28:41APPLAUSE
28:42Thank you.
28:43Thank you.
28:44APPLAUSE
28:45¡Gracias!
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