The Aristocrats (2005) Full Movie | Comedy Documentary
The movie is a documentary comedy that explores the history and cultural impact of a notorious joke called "The Aristocrats" through interviews with various comedians.
Cast: David Brenner, Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg, Gilbert Gottfried
#TheAristocrats, #DocumentaryComedy, #ComedyLegends, #DirtyJoke, #movies, #film, #movie, #cinema, #films, #hollywood, #actor, #s, #love, #art, #cinematography, #netflix, #horror, #actress, #moviescenes, #music, #filmmaking, #cinephile, #tv, #horrormovies, #bollywood, #comedy, #movienight, #photography, #cine, #instagood, #instagram, #director, #moviereview, #drama, #AdultMovies, #RomanceMovies, #SexMovies, #XXX, #XX,
The movie is a documentary comedy that explores the history and cultural impact of a notorious joke called "The Aristocrats" through interviews with various comedians.
Cast: David Brenner, Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg, Gilbert Gottfried
#TheAristocrats, #DocumentaryComedy, #ComedyLegends, #DirtyJoke, #movies, #film, #movie, #cinema, #films, #hollywood, #actor, #s, #love, #art, #cinematography, #netflix, #horror, #actress, #moviescenes, #music, #filmmaking, #cinephile, #tv, #horrormovies, #bollywood, #comedy, #movienight, #photography, #cine, #instagood, #instagram, #director, #moviereview, #drama, #AdultMovies, #RomanceMovies, #SexMovies, #XXX, #XX,
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00the joke leads me down one path and then it switches the path on me suddenly and it hits
00:00:15me with a hammer it's just here we go folks you have stretched yourself when you're doing it right
00:00:20on making it as horrific as you can and bam farm them with as polite a title as you can
00:00:26the aristocrats the aristocrats the aristocrats what i've heard the joke but i don't remember
00:00:33what was so bad i remember that i fainted
00:00:36that joke's been around the aristocrats is always like a classic in fact they told it on the think
00:00:43it was a nina or the penta or the santa maria when columbus was crossing the ocean i think lincoln
00:00:48told me i'm not quite sure i was at the theater at the time i was an usher of all the jokes to do
00:00:54a documentary about you chose this one there was the secret society chevy chase and michael
00:01:01o'donohue i think john belushi and some others they had this coven of of people who would tell
00:01:06this joke over and over again chevy chase supposedly used to have parties and the criteria was you had
00:01:11the mom the dad the son the daughter and a dog and you had to talk with some combination of that
00:01:17without repeating yourself and if you repeat it yourself you were out the idea was that we got to
00:01:22break a half an hour you know we got to get we got to make this joke last more than a half an hour and
00:01:27i don't know whether they ever did apparently o'donohue came close but died in the attempt
00:01:30not well known i heard michael o'donohue did it for 90 minutes once it's the only joke i know
00:01:38that people talk about i'm always shocked when people don't know this joke it is a pervasive joke
00:01:43it was a burlesque kind of a joke it had been kicked around a lot you know i remember it the
00:01:49same you remember any first like the first time you hear a cut from a lenny bruce album it was shocking
00:01:54you'd never heard that i heard it from a gentleman who was running second city in chicago at ucla working
00:01:59in the humor magazine the editor at the time told me the joke bill hicks that's where i heard it i
00:02:04think i first heard the aristocrats while doing blow and catch a rising star with richard belzer this
00:02:09joke was a friend of every comedian in the world i first went to the improv nightclub in new york in
00:02:1473 did some stand-up comedy there became the manager and got to meet the best young comedians of that
00:02:19time got a real education in the comedy world and one of the things that was always extremely
00:02:24consistent wherever you went was the aristocrats joke i had heard about the aristocrats joke we do
00:02:31comedy and we work places that have comedy but we're also in the magic world so we always
00:02:36are kind of observers of the comedy world there was always a secret handshake of of a whole culture
00:02:42thing that was to me symbolized by the joke the aristocrats i don't think comics should be that proud
00:02:49quite frankly about repeating a joke that's been going on since bud friedman opened the first
00:02:55improv next to the pyramids you dig i don't think comedians told this kind of joke on stage how many
00:03:01people tell jokes on stage people usually have routines or they string together small short
00:03:06observations i mean you don't do joke jokes on stage ever that's the total kiss to death because
00:03:10you're viewed as a big old hack you know the way those urban legends go uh that people always knew
00:03:15somebody who saw this guy doing it but i never saw anyone performing it it's the kind of joke that
00:03:20you love telling other comics we would just tell them to each other and it never had anything to do
00:03:24with our act it was this kind of thing that you would share with the with the musicians it just
00:03:28remained in the business swirling around a lot of the funniest stuff happened actually after the
00:03:33audience left we're different we're in here it's there's no rules the headmaster went home we got the
00:03:38dormitory to ourselves well you hear this you know i have a recollection of the joke being told
00:03:43at about 4 30 5 o'clock in the morning for a bunch of comedians and you always saved it like
00:03:48a powerhouse that was one of those toppers that you could pull out there was almost like a chorus
00:03:52of the punchline you know and what's it called but the jokes that we used to love telling and the
00:03:56jokes that i always loved were these jokes that have this body of performance in the middle it's
00:04:01a show-offy kind of an inside thing for performing comics gary shamling told it to me i think
00:04:07is the way i told it word for word the emo which is probably like playing the telephone game
00:04:11there's the basic framework but then every comedian puts his own imprimatur on the joke
00:04:18and really makes it their own i don't know the the standard telling of this joke anymore it's lost
00:04:22well it's a vaude of elation jay marshall is the definitive joke teller on that even though he's
00:04:28not known as a comedian because he is from the variety arts jay marshall turns out to be the one who
00:04:34tells the aristocrat's joke for the legman book it's the last story in the book he gets the whole thing
00:04:40across in two or three sentences the vaudeville agent is interviewing acts and an act comes in
00:04:47what do you do he says well my wife and i come out and take our clothes off and we sit on the stage
00:04:53and the kids come out and wallow in it he says what kind of an act do you call that he says we call it
00:04:59the aristocrats the joke sucks you suck for having the idea of putting this on a documentary i hate the
00:05:09joke the piece of shit stolen pretend to be humor although the premise is funny let me just let
00:05:18me backtrack just a bit well you know it's a perfectly crafted joke it's got a two-word punch
00:05:23line and since the middle is open you can do anything with it it's like a jazz theme there's
00:05:28the basic melody but anybody can improvise on it and i cannot remember for the life of me what the
00:05:34details of the act were i just knew as i was hearing it you could do what you want with it
00:05:39as long as you got to the what's what he called the act the aristocrats you just want to shock the
00:05:45people so that when you come back the juxtaposition of what they call themselves becomes the laugh it's
00:05:49filled with vulgarity not kind of vulgar it's it's revolting you're disgusting and then the punch line
00:05:55and then the punch line is uh sort of uplifting the more vulgar it is the more ironic becomes the
00:06:01punch line the more grotesqueries the better of it that's the craft of the art is is how you make
00:06:06that turn that's the thing you can't you can't bottle because that's a performance thing guy goes
00:06:10in the agent's office and he says i got an act for you where do you hear this tell me a little about
00:06:17it what's the act he says um my wife and i come out on stage i've taken a lot of uh medicine prior to
00:06:24the appearance and i've eaten a lot of the cabbages and things she lies down on stage i squat over her
00:06:32i pulled out my pants and i shit in her mouth it's mostly liquid it's a like a diuretic thing i try to
00:06:39include corn and things that will not break down in the in the digestive system of peanuts of course
00:06:45i try to get a lot of solid objects so that there's a little action too it's not just a stream of
00:06:50brown liquid and it all goes into it's both i can hit her mouth pretty well i do have one polyp i have
00:06:57a large kind of a hemorrhoidal polyp that sometimes throws my aim off and i have to kind of it's kind
00:07:02of like kentucky windage but i can usually get it because i can hear whether it's hitting the hollow
00:07:06area of her throat or not so i get as much as i can in there and then she goggles with it we hear the
00:07:12gargling she goggles and goggles and then she swallows it and uh we're off it's about five minutes total
00:07:20i guess what do you call the actors the aristocrats
00:07:27i was making that up i guess you could tell the fun of it is where you improvise on the grossness
00:07:34doing the john coltrane version of this this joke was a joy for comics to tell mainly because it was
00:07:40such a foul chunk of time that you could just be describing the most foul things and there's nothing
00:07:46that you could come up with that would be wrong it's a blank slate and you get to play you get to
00:07:52play how screwed up how many new things could you think of to make this group of people truly bizarre
00:07:56whether it's a shuffleboard up nice animals behind or whether people are swimming in manure a young
00:08:02girl comes on stage singing nearer my god to thee while juggling torches these are my two children
00:08:07they pass gas to the tune of what a wonderful world in unison one of the sons is playing a xylophone
00:08:14with his cock they have a midget uncle with three dicks coming out of his head i come out dressed as
00:08:18hitler in crotchless panties i am catching the ping pong balls and i'm catching them in my ass he comes
00:08:25on my wife's tits we wait like a half an hour till it hardens then i chip it off with a chisel six
00:08:29midgets come out they have sex in a kiddie pool full of beef entrails and aborted fetuses little
00:08:35midgets they all start coming one by one and shoot fountains of jism and 200 seats you know the
00:08:42films outside the bellagio how they're coordinated like that that was exactly what these guys pulled
00:08:46off my grandmother on the stage has an abortion gives birth to a three-pound shetman pony the kids
00:08:52are siamese twins attached at the ass my grandfather is the jockey comes in third and paid 280. the siamese
00:08:58twins give each other reach arounds and jerk each other off but i don't know whether the object is
00:09:04to be as offensive as possible or whether to use it judiciously in the right places as a build up to
00:09:09the punchline i always like to explain how to tell the joke since everybody's you already heard the
00:09:12joke so that's how you when you want to tell the joke you have to make sure it's just really filthy
00:09:15that the filthy the better guy goes into a talent agent's office has the greatest act in the world
00:09:19talent agent says what's the act that's all you got to memorize get ad lib right up to the punchline all
00:09:25you had to do is remember one word the rest of us you make i always make it up every time i tell
00:09:29it something different they would be naked it would have something to do with peeing we're high-flying
00:09:33trapeze performers we fly over the audience doing triple gainers we piss over the first three rows
00:09:40include feces he takes a crap on the stage jumps in the pile of shit and they take a big group
00:09:45shit the women slide on their asses all the way up through this shit we just roll around in the
00:09:51shit and they just start skating in the shit gate you know people skating shit dabbles in the
00:09:55shit they do a little dance dabbles in the piss they do a little dance wobbling in the
00:09:59shit and the piss and they're whopping each other's face one of them takes a shit and everybody slides
00:10:04through it they slide they end up in the splits in the ship they go into the splits they have a big
00:10:09finish that's the finish i thought they peed on each other too include vomit get sick vomits
00:10:15eats the vomit everybody starts peeing and one of them vomited off and that made everybody else
00:10:20sick wait wait that made everybody sick hey shouldn't pee no problem you had vomit forget it
00:10:28so skyrocket it's edge humans pushing the edge of what you can take and once the edge is crossed
00:10:32then you start getting hysterical over it me and my wife come up on stage she takes a dump in this big
00:10:37metal bucket she's got a bucket of shit she pours it on the guy's head my son the little one he's three
00:10:42years old this is the part that's adorable takes a bucket of shit throws it in her face she then
00:10:46takes the bucket of puke shit and piss puts it over her head like a helmet starts parading around on
00:10:50stage like a little midget nazi such disgusting references one after another kind of makes its own
00:10:56gravy this joke it's a disgusting joke it's shit but the only reason i could say that is because
00:11:02i'm really kind of an aristocrat do they actually eat at any point during the act oh absolutely i've heard
00:11:10shitting and eating it she reaches into the back of grandpa's diapers pulls out a ball of
00:11:14shit starts eating it like an apple i've heard bringing animals and bestiality into it i forgot
00:11:19the dog there's a dog too and the dog oh and the dog fucks the girl that's called bestiality yes it's
00:11:26in the bible it's in my diary he said it's in his diary and i knew his dog i've heard uh maybe we could
00:11:39do a version i mean it's unbelievable along with the dog but the entire family is involved it's a
00:11:45family act which adds such a fucked up dimension to it anyway include children in the act unspeakable
00:11:52acts that the children were performing with and on each other people can get up on stage if they want
00:11:58to you know finger my niece or touch my nephew's penis there should be high risk behaviors mixing of
00:12:04body fluids blood from every hole a lot of you are probably saying well wait wait wait backtrack a
00:12:10little here where did the blood come from you didn't say anything about blood well if a guy is fist
00:12:17fucking his daughter who's young and her asshole is pretty small and this is a grown man with a big
00:12:23hand he could be like a longshoreman he could have arms like popeye where it's like the arm is like that
00:12:30why and her asshole is that small think about that for a second i'll wait well naturally she's gonna
00:12:37be bleeding i'm just making a point the people are abusing each other there's incest and all the
00:12:43things that cross lines so you get to play with with people's uh little danger zones they
00:12:49fuck my wife i fuck my sister fuck my son everybody's fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck it's like a tourette syndrome
00:12:55joke i'm horrified and yet drawn to it it's like a dog with three legs you don't want to look but
00:13:02you just it's the perfect joke just hearing out loud descriptions of giddy shit covered incest
00:13:10and other poems by maya angelou it is the one joke where you get to invent every sick act you could
00:13:19imagine loaded up into this joke and never actually be accused of gilding the lily so the way i heard it
00:13:25was it was always a very sweet beginning that is what killed me the sweetness of the guy who walks
00:13:30in knocks on this very talented talent agency says hi we have an act i was wondering if i could have
00:13:35just a moment of your time we go get you have one minute to tell me about your act he says well it's
00:13:39it's a very very different act it's a bit of a novelty myself my wife and my kids first i come out
00:13:44i'm in a tuxedo my wife is in a gown we take a bow the music starts we do a little dance my wife lifts
00:13:49her skirt i start fucking my wife she starts sucking me my son comes in he drops his jaws now he's
00:13:53fucking my wife i have a daughter she's 15 she comes in so now my wife is going down on my son my
00:13:58son's got his arm up my daughter my daughter's giving me head it's a beautiful thing when music
00:14:01comes to a big finish we're all fucking and everything is just everybody's at one point
00:14:05my daughter is on her back she's she's grabbing both my son and myself in both hands my wife is
00:14:10singing and then we all drop our drawers and take a huge shit on the stage guy said well that's a hell of
00:14:14an act what do you what do you call yourselves the aristocrats so there is the joke that you get to
00:14:20actually say that somebody had uh their arm up their daughter which is you don't really hear
00:14:25often some people when they tell it really focus on the fecal matter other people really focus on the
00:14:32incest and to me in my own personal life those two are rarely if ever separate so shock is only one
00:14:39thing that happens i think it's something that happens along the way it comes with it the other
00:14:42thing is the art of of the joke you have to say pee first instead of shit first then you go to
00:14:47fuck or then you go to and then you go to pee and go to i don't know which i prefer the pee first
00:14:51to me you got to save the scatological for the end if you put it in the middle you have nothing
00:14:56left to close it's got to be fuck fuck sucking clock and then top of that took a big
00:15:00you need that separation i feel otherwise it's chaos the way i've got an incest is next to
00:15:06shit eating dog fucking dog fucking i'm all about dog fucking shit eating dog fucking incestuous me and
00:15:13my wife go on stage we get undressed and i start nailing my wife as i'm fucking my wife she takes
00:15:18a dump in this bucket my son comes out he pours kerosene in the bucket lights it on fire our trained
00:15:24dog fifi comes out jumps to a ring of fire my son fucks the dog my daughter comes out the dog fucks my
00:15:29daughter we all say good night ladies and gentlemen you've been great standing ovation every time
00:15:34it starts with a little dick sucking the gals drop to their knees start sucking off the boys and let me
00:15:39tell you something when my seven-year-old daughter is given a blowjob to my 11-year-old son it's priceless
00:15:45then we move on to the fucking but we move over one so now i'm fucking my seven-year-old daughter
00:15:51my son is fucking his grandmother and my father is fucking my wife and then the denouement the
00:15:57butt-fucking we move over one more time that's why i'm fucking my mother in the ass my son is
00:16:02fucking his mother in the ass my father is fucking his granddaughter in the ass the men pull out jerk
00:16:07off into a dish and the women slurp it down it's a real crowd pleaser family act i go up on stage i
00:16:13start to jerk off in a shot glass my wife comes out takes a belt in my splooge takes off a skirt shits in
00:16:19a bucket my son pulls the shit out of the bucket and starts juggling it while he's pissing into the mouth
00:16:23of his older sister who's being butt-fucked by the family dog grandpa drops his pants starts
00:16:29fucking a dog in the ass and the whole show ends with a big circle jerk around grandma here's the
00:16:33kick of grandma's day i mean it has to be really filthy dirty the the act it should start off let's
00:16:42say it just starts off kind of titillating and then it turns pornographic i mean and then it starts to be
00:16:48the kind of thing where if your daughter was involved you'd have to go and help her you know
00:16:53at any cost the police might not even step in then the talent agent says that's awful what do you call
00:16:58the act like he wants to know after hearing then he like the name's the important thing which i don't
00:17:02understand why he would say that i think because it doesn't matter what it's called because no one is
00:17:07going to book this show where did these people find employment how did they develop this act what made
00:17:13them think that this this was entertaining i mean it's surprising that they haven't that they're not
00:17:18all in jail i mean and and waiting the death penalty i mean i think you can put people to death for what
00:17:24goes on in the best versions of this joke of course you're probably saying if you have any sense of
00:17:29human decency just say well why didn't he stop then the minute he saw the father unzipping his pants
00:17:37and saying this is totally wrong call the cops something horrible's happening this is a family
00:17:44who are raping their own children and performing bestiality why oh why is he allowing this to happen
00:17:53but that's a whole other story but anyway he says what is it called because in a joke that's what
00:17:58happened people just say what is it there's no legal system at all in play in a joke and the guy goes
00:18:04the aristocrats and i always throw in that that seems to make the whole joke the aristocrats
00:18:11the aristocrats oh yeah the aristocrats
00:18:22who's for drew now how many people do that when they tell it one this that i'm the only one yeah
00:18:27really yeah oh man i always like that's how i always tell it like that they do what do they do
00:18:31that or the aristocrats the aristocrats the aristocrats i never make it to the end i crumble
00:18:44i said nice and lovely as joe whoever told it to me when they finished they're covered in sweat and
00:18:48they're covered in gum and they're covered in shit and i what do you call yourself
00:18:57the aristocrats oh it's so great tell drew i at least went like this oh no i like
00:19:08that's really all there is to it you have to have like blood shit piss and then um this
00:19:14so uh this cocksucker what is it this cocksucker fucks this there's shit everywhere the cocksucker
00:19:22goes into a fucking and there's something fecal is it fetal or fetal no fetal is fetal there and
00:19:29the agent is fucking a dog the pope in the corner the trouble is i've never heard this joke the whole
00:19:34shit thing i think it's just uh but you know the punchline doesn't work this guy says i got this act
00:19:40it's a family act and the guy says i got shit everywhere i want a family act no no that could
00:19:45work okay he says what do you want because am i bothering you you're doing good have you done it
00:19:52give it to me and i'll film you now it takes a lot more skill than it looks like to uh to tell it well
00:19:57all right here it is three people walk into a theatrical agent's office they say we have an act
00:20:02to show you and we're called the aristocrats it's just a guy goes into a talent agent's office a lot
00:20:11of people make it elaborate doesn't matter where it's a steamy little horrible horrible office
00:20:17it's barely it's so funny whenever have you ever been to joe franklin's office well i've been in
00:20:22this office since 2000 bc i was in a different office until they condemned the building frank sinatra
00:20:28sat here bett midler billy crystal sat here michael jackson julia roberts was my secretary here
00:20:33produced the world's longest running tv show here i'm joe franklin it's that office man walks into
00:20:39an agent's office and uh it's just like a desk you know a couple of chairs and uh telephone stop
00:20:45dancing around motherfucker and tell the fucking thing phone you know square room like a box all right
00:20:51already you are fucking horrible tell the fucking joke tell the thing all right my wife comes out in a
00:20:57beautiful evening gown plays t for two on a xylophone with a cunt no no no then my grandparents
00:21:04come out and they sing god bless america it's real patriotic while fucking each other yeah gonna see an
00:21:10old woman's cunt that looks like silly putty so then they you killed me you're killing me here you're a
00:21:16loser you can't tell a fucking joke my son comes out i shoot him in the head and then i
00:21:21fuck the bullet hole and then my daughter comes on stage she's a real sexy nine-year-old i hit her in
00:21:27the head with an axe handle burn her cunt with a curling iron put a fish hook through my cock
00:21:33fuck her kill her and take a shit on her dead body that's the kind of delivery you need
00:21:40cocksucker i actually stretched it out once to two and a half hours but i blew the punchline
00:21:46you know i got all the way to the end it involved white slavery and a zeppelin race and then at the
00:21:52end i got the aristocats crats ah it's the aristocrats not to be confused with the wonderful disney
00:21:59film the aristocats often i would go but he's stuck in the she's doing that what do you call yourself
00:22:05the aristocats oh no no no the aristocrats so the people would think that that was part of the joke
00:22:09that the guy himself got the name wrong and people will be saying why did why do you say cats and then
00:22:15crack he didn't i just had a problem which was more absurd ago wait a second you have a joke that
00:22:19takes 11 minutes to tell and you don't really understand the punchline so it's it was a bit
00:22:24of a dangerous joke for me but i tell it to you to help others so that the kids who come after me won't
00:22:30live the horror of the shame that i did i hate jokes i can't remember them um the only joke i could ever
00:22:36tell is about a man goes into a pub in glasgow and he sees another guy and the other guy hits him
00:22:43over the head with an iron bar and he says hey ow you trying to be funny and the guy says no i'm sorry
00:22:56i don't do jokes and i don't even want to do this but when they beg it gets so ridiculous
00:23:01with my kind of thing it's always attitude i've never been one to pick up on jokes to be very honest
00:23:06not that there's anything wrong in it but it's never been my thing when i told the emo he looked like my
00:23:11god that's the joke i should have written but i never will i mean that is an emo joke these three
00:23:16guys walk in they said we have a great great act and they all unzip their flies and they pee on the
00:23:21floor then they all pull down their pants and then they poo on the floor and then they all put their
00:23:25fingers down their throat and they vomit and then they start slip sliding and the agent said what do
00:23:29you call yourselves and they said the aristocrats then there are people who just really love the writing
00:23:34of the joke in the mood of the joke and the agent says i love it but i'm not going to book you until
00:23:40i see you live now i'm going out this weekend to see the butt-fucking fontaroys and the shit-eating
00:23:45grannies presuming i like you as much as i think i will let me ask you this are you married to the
00:23:50name the aristocrats there's a slightly more writerly version of the joke a manager is trying to sell
00:23:58performers to a club owner and the club owner goes okay yeah what what's your act do the girl comes
00:24:04out and she sucks off a donkey and a guy comes out pisses on the girl and he pisses on the donkey
00:24:10listen we we have a classy joint here i'm not sure that's kind of right wait wait you'll really
00:24:14enjoy the aristocrats the manager had to come up quickly with the name to try and sell the group
00:24:18so there's motivation there and it's a feel-good ending gets you here and gets you here you know
00:24:24what i'm saying i like to think the manager's lying that they don't do all that stuff they sing and
00:24:28they're funny but he now has to go back and say listen of soldier there's this other thing you're
00:24:33gonna have to do you know you're gonna have to shag a donkey and shit and what the guy's saxophone
00:24:41what was that donkey shit and of course everybody's style in telling a joke so the william morris office
00:24:46wants to work with this act it's a it's a family act that sounds like a good with smothers brothers
00:24:50a family opening it what do they do they they do some juggling it's a juggling juggling thing and
00:24:57then the father drops one of the clubs and asks his son to pick it up so his dad just knees him right
00:25:04in the balls though the money no no no then the mother does a topless thing and uh okay it goes down
00:25:10on the father no the kids come out naked naked children and then they do a sec the the they do a
00:25:17sex act and then they throw up they throw up wherever they worked they worked all the best
00:25:24places all the best places you want to you want to know you want to know what they're then you know
00:25:28want to know i'm not necessarily no ask me it's kind of important this is okay what is their name
00:25:35the aristocrats what the aristocrats the aristocrats if you didn't think that was funny no huh
00:25:44it's a classic what makes that a classic classic withstands the test of time and the aristocrats is
00:25:50one of those classic jokes that has gone through uh uh 50 60 70 years no matter how many times i hear
00:25:56it i'll still whenever it's funny whenever you say aristocrat the audience falls down i didn't well
00:26:01you're you're straight man you're not you're not supposed to the aristocrats is so much about the uh
00:26:08kind of signature that a comedian puts on it that's what we do you make it your own yeah in the
00:26:13amish version the father flicks on a light the mother's using a radio remote watching television
00:26:19he goes what do you call yourself tis well we call ourselves the aristocrats that's the last thing
00:26:26first i come out on stage you know and i am pregnant a friend of mine comes out and he starts
00:26:31fucking me up the ass the baby starts sucking the penis of the guy who's fucking me up the ass i start
00:26:38getting contractions and giving birth the baby starts coming out and cum starts coming out of
00:26:43the baby's mouth i mean come on birth what is more beautiful than birth this woman comes into his office
00:26:48and she wants representation she says i'm the centerpiece my husband comes out he bends down he goes
00:26:54down on me we used to have grandma blowing grandpa while she had a kazoo out of her ass playing begin the
00:27:00begin but she claims that these days she doesn't have the wind for it anymore personally i think
00:27:05she's tired of blowing the guy after 54 years it gets a little tiresome the comedians have done it
00:27:09in the way they tell it but then as you're listening to it all of your own personal orientations you
00:27:14bring to this joke and it and it's so it's funny for different reasons sure i could have told it some
00:27:19other way somebody some scatological that these boys love no i needed the woman's point of view and you
00:27:25notice the first sex act was the husband going down on the woman the man would have immediately
00:27:30had a blow job in there grandma by the way is a talent a gift beyond if she was born in another era
00:27:36she could have been liza minnelli that that talented but because she was in the wrong time
00:27:42and place she ended up playing begin the begin out of her ass hole there are different rules for women
00:27:48different rules men can get men are expected to talk dirty and women are supposed to be ladylike
00:27:54you know they won't take it from phyllis because that's not phyllis's demeanor they'll definitely
00:27:59take it from me because if i don't say they're pissed males have a cruder sense of humor a female
00:28:05wouldn't ever really create that joke i'm sick of women going it's a guy thing it's a joke funny if
00:28:13funny is a guy thing you know what i'll strap it on you know because i go i go and i do stuff and
00:28:19people say wow you didn't curse you know i'm trying to not to do that you know i'm trying to be genteel
00:28:24and shit but it doesn't work for me so when i would tell a joke like this you know it would be all about
00:28:30dripping penises and they'd be pulling us foreskins back and making helmets out of you know it'd be a
00:28:36whole thing why don't you do your version well because you already got versions like that oh i
00:28:43don't think we have oh i bet you do i bet you do i know you know the four guys walk in they say let's
00:28:48see the act and four guys take their pants down they take their giant penises and they take the
00:28:52foreskin they go like this and they pull up the penises like this and they go wow and they pull it
00:28:57down over themselves and they start to think that's the kind of joke i would fucking tell
00:29:14like how could you clean that joke up i guess you could clean it up by saying they're making love
00:29:19but still they're already brothers and sisters it's already incest you're already in a big hole
00:29:23well actually when the curtain rises there we are on stage me my two daughters my wife and a gorilla
00:29:32named daisy from the belgian congo my daughter pulls my index finger at which point i let out a
00:29:39thunderous fart my wife does a very sexy striptease dance on a tom-tom following that i have a violent
00:29:47love affair with a gorilla daisy if you know what i mean but have no fear if there are any children
00:29:54they'll be brought up as catholics you see he was in purple she was in a heliotrope and they would
00:30:00come in they had two black satchels they said we work in one this in oleo and the band would go
00:30:05and he opens up the black case and there's a silver hammer and his wife pulls out the chair and he
00:30:22sits down upon the chair his wife takes the hammer and with a great swift movement bang hits her husband
00:30:32right in the forehead he goes ass over tea kettle back down over the couch over the ages back in
00:30:39pulls the drapes down the agent says my god i've never seen anything like that in my life well thank
00:30:46you very much and he picks up the hammer puts it away and he picks up that case and he picks up the
00:30:51other one and they're about to leave and he says excuse me just for curiosity what's in the other case
00:30:59and he says tylenol and what's the name of your act we call ourselves the sophisticates
00:31:16that's how i heard it they are my generation of entertainer i mean we were all together at the same
00:31:21time you had to work clean because there were signs backstage no dirty material nothing blue you got
00:31:27vaudeville and the chitlin circuit at the same time black comic could always be dirty you couldn't
00:31:31get on tv anytime so you weren't really worried about who you offended or anything so they could be
00:31:35dirty on stage it didn't even matter so a joke where part of the fun is that you're dirty is they
00:31:40can tell them anytime you want cocks and cunts that's where it's at seinfeld never cursed i'm always
00:31:45telling you that be like seinfeld all right did you ever notice when you kick your girlfriend in the
00:31:50kind she calls the cops on you in all of art it's the singer not the song you see that when you hear
00:31:59jazz musicians who play the same song over and over again you hear one note of coltrane you know it's
00:32:04coltrane but i never understood it as so clear in comedy when you hear someone tell the aristocrats very
00:32:10clearly it's the singer not the song okay here's a joke a guy goes into a talent agent and he says i just
00:32:16saw the most amazing act you should hire this act it's incredible and the agent says well tell me
00:32:22what happens he says well there's a family out on a stage there's a husband and a wife and three little
00:32:29girls like 12 8 and 4 and they're just sitting there and they're all reading and there's a little
00:32:34ceramic ballerina going around playing mozart music and it's very calm and the lighting is beautiful
00:32:41and then the father gets up and he walks off stage and he comes back with flowers and he gives
00:32:46one to the wife and one to each of the daughters and they oh daddy we love you you're my precious
00:32:51angels and everything is so nice and smiling then the father gets up and he leaves again and he comes
00:32:57back and he's got a big bottle of whiskey and a baseball bat and he starts drinking the whiskey and
00:33:02he goes over to the wife and he starts smashing around the shoulders and the legs and he's banging
00:33:07her legs and there's blood gushing everywhere and the daughters are screaming and he chases the
00:33:12daughters around and smashes them on the back of the legs and they're screaming and blood everywhere
00:33:18and the guy said that's horrible the agent said it's the horrible most horrible thing i've ever heard
00:33:23what could this thing be called what is this what is it and the guy said it's called the aristocrats
00:33:31and then they just blankly looked at each other for a while and then the
00:33:35the agent said i'd like to see that actually
00:33:41it's this family the cavanaugh's anne and william they're eating dinner and they just finish
00:33:46and their maid comes in and she clears the plates and they have two children betsy and timmy and anne
00:33:53suggests that they all go into the drawing room where anne then braids betsy's beautiful blonde hair
00:33:59the husband he plays chess with timmy and then the maid comes in with strawberries and whipped cream
00:34:06and they all eat a nice dessert and that's the act what would you call an act like that the
00:34:13cock sucking motherfuckers
00:34:18there's another which uses the same word aristocrat so maybe we can go there instead there were three
00:34:24missionaries a catholic a buddhist and a jew who were out in the middle of africa and they were
00:34:31caught by headhunters the chief came up and said afternoon gentlemen you have your options death or you
00:34:40can meet the aristocrats first is the jewish rabbi and they say have you made up your mind he says oh
00:34:46absolutely perhaps there's an afterlife i'm not really sure about that we certainly valued the life on earth
00:34:52i have decided i will go with meeting the aristocrats out come about 14 men wearing just the skimpiest little
00:35:01loincloths and they ream him in every orifice they throw his body up they throw his body down he is
00:35:08completely covered with aborigine spermatozoa and they leave him basically as a floppy little rag doll
00:35:15over in the bushes goes up to the catholic priest he said how about you still still same deal and he said
00:35:22yeah you can either die or deal with the aristocrats he says horrible as that is i am no stranger
00:35:30to certain aspects of it i do see that the man over there is still breathing which means i would stay
00:35:36alive to be able to help my parishioners i will take the i guess the aristocrats in its same song
00:35:42second verse they have him in so many ways that he has never even dreamt of he is lying panting barely
00:35:48audible breaths lying in the underbrush the buddhist says i believe that we are only here for a short
00:35:54time anyway i will take death and the chief says okay fine death it is but first the aristocrats
00:36:02so that'll be my aristocrat's joke because you've got 75 people telling the fuck on that
00:36:13and this joke is one of those songs i guess like mr tambourine man you could sing it like bob dylan or
00:36:19you could sing it like the birds or you could sing it rough or you can make it sweet there's not that
00:36:24many jokes like this we were influenced by one of the greatest juggling acts of all time they'd be
00:36:29completely naked now at this point he would actually penetrate the other guy right the top guy would
00:36:35actually defecate on the bottom guy they would actually juggle six severed flaming elephant penises
00:36:42yeah they were called the incredible towering flaming and naked elephant penis juggling brothers they
00:36:49changed it to uh the aristocrats you can make the joke funny and still keep it in your personality so
00:36:55i saw christopher walken tell that story i think i don't know it was james litton's cock sucking
00:37:01extravaganza he laid claim to the story actually happening this happened my uncle was a talent agent
00:37:12sort of a broadway danny rose sort of guy man comes in says to my uncle i think i might have the act
00:37:21that you're looking for it involves my whole family my uncle stopped him and said
00:37:29it's crazy what do you mean your whole family that's the man says the gift my wife has is unloaded
00:37:37on the audience and that is projectile vomiting it's all over the front row gallagher that putz would wish
00:37:45this sort of this sort of thing was possible from a watermelon forget it
00:37:57this is what's happening to my uncle he starts to chuckle but he also was frightened for his life
00:38:04he he senses ask the name first then get him out don't give him the bums rush because this
00:38:11spark will kill you clearly to me in this joke you get to show off your writing sort of so a family
00:38:21walks into the agent's office and they want to uh audition their new act mom does a naked cartwheel
00:38:27through the air and lands flat on her back she spreads her legs wide and turns over to reveal
00:38:33a cherry colored ass son comes over and begins to jack off in fact the vigor of youth allows him to do this
00:38:40over and over again sis whose tits are uh practically non-existent suddenly gets down on all fours
00:38:47her hairless paper cut begins twitching with anticipation dad springs into action he spins his
00:38:55daughter around and gives her a little bit of 69 just then there's a blinding spray that covers the
00:39:00entire family and grandma rides in on a red bicycle pisses all over everyone and says ta-da the agent says
00:39:07that's amazing what do you call yourselves and grandma says the aristocrat
00:39:15we saw the act and it just uh just dumb struck teller quite literally uh i can go into the whole
00:39:21thing the father uh who was who played the bagpipes out his ass the uh mother who did this whole weird
00:39:26thing with menstrual blood and uh yeah beautiful but the part that killed us the most was this little
00:39:32cute kid what was he about six or so and the kid had this enormous uh cock it was the size of you
00:39:38know a like a oh yeah like it's out of a bottle like that and started jerking and jerking and jerking and
00:39:44jerking and it just he got to the final end he was just jerk jerk and the kid had the whole head of his
00:39:51cock blew off and we said oh fabulous fabulous teller couldn't talk any longer he was he was he
00:39:58was just uh shocked dumbstruck just never spoke again when the kid was also dumbstruck he also
00:40:05had the head of his cock blown off if telling a joke in your own words and creating your own
00:40:11setup if that can be personalized then that that's a form of writing first i come in there and i start
00:40:16loosen get loosened up a little bit then i start to stretch my face then i like to celebrate the
00:40:23theater comedy tragedy and then uncle louis comes in
00:40:33and then cousin eddie he just came back from russia with the army
00:40:36and then aunt sadie she comes in and does an acrobatic number hey oh so guy goes into a
00:40:52into a talent agent he says hey dude check it out i got a great act and he's like it's not a
00:40:55fucking prop act is it i would tell that joke but as you know i only work off prompter so unless i can
00:41:02look in the prompter and see i'm sorry was it fingering the daughter and eating shit out of the
00:41:09grandmother's ass i'd hate to get something like that wrong because it really seems to be so delicately worded
00:41:32so i'm not sure that that anything you mentioned i haven't gotten into that because i had one of the
00:41:38many questions so if i had to talk to you about the chat you might want to talk to me so you might
00:41:41see that you might be familiar with his name and just remind me of it and let me know that you
00:41:43want to come back and just wait a minute and see if you don't want to talk to me and share my
00:41:46company's great and i liked it so it's really nice and honestly it's really nice and nice so i'm
00:41:52uh i think i think i was just kind of great i think i talked about that and i think i think i always
00:41:57.
00:42:27We all have different kinds of cartoons playing in the comic's mind.
00:42:50Murray the agent barges into Stan the Variety Booker's office.
00:42:54Stan goes, no, no, no, no, you don't.
00:42:56You always bring me the worst acts in the universe.
00:42:59This one is completely different, Stan.
00:43:01It's a family act.
00:43:02First, the father comes out.
00:43:04Naked is the day he was born, and he sets up a ladder.
00:43:08Then Mom comes out, and she looks fantastic for her age.
00:43:11She climbs halfway up the ladder.
00:43:14Naked is the day she was born.
00:43:16Then Junior steps out, a strapping young lad.
00:43:19Naked is the day he was born, and he climbs all the way to the top of the ladder.
00:43:23Stan lights a cigar, gets it smoking real good, sticks it in Mom's ass.
00:43:26She blows a smoke ring out of her twat, and the son dives through it.
00:43:29Everybody loves us in the circus where they fit a bunch of clowns into a car, and they all come out.
00:43:33In the audience, you see the kids' eyes just open with awe.
00:43:37It's just the most amazing thing.
00:43:39It's like that, except we all fit into this woman's cunt.
00:43:44She rides around a little ring on a bicycle, and when she stops, we all pop out of her cunt and spit cunt juice at the audience, which gets them involved.
00:43:54They get a little wet.
00:43:55It's like kind of a Gallagher thing.
00:43:57Sometimes there's mucus and little cunt loogies, and we can make little animals and things like that out of the cunt snot, and we give those to the kids.
00:44:08It's terrific.
00:44:09There'd be others, but with more irony or slightly more sarcasm, a wry sense of looking at the world.
00:44:14The guy goes in to get an agent. The agent says, what do you guys do?
00:44:18He says, you know, my wife and I, have you heard this one?
00:44:21It wouldn't be the onion if we'd have Jesus in it.
00:44:23I mean, we'd have to have the grandfather fucking Jesus in the ass.
00:44:26You know what's something that is offensive now? Gay bashing.
00:44:29But if it's gay bashing, then we can't have any gay sex in the ass.
00:44:32Going in gay sex has never deterred anyone from bashing gays.
00:44:36Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:44:37I think they could do both.
00:44:38I think they could sodomize Jesus up the ass and say, this is because you're a faggot.
00:44:44You probably like this, faggot.
00:44:46There are guys who were made to tell this joke.
00:44:49Some people think I have a reputation of being a dirty comedian, and I don't really want to expose that anywhere,
00:44:54because I think, you know, I'm really a family kind of oriented guy, which brings me to this joke.
00:45:01Oh, sag it. Now there is a man who walks around telling the aristocrat joke in life.
00:45:06That's my friend Paul, and right on out I'm looking at his dinger.
00:45:09He's got a very huge wiener. It's about that big.
00:45:13I believe that's Shanley's joke, I'm pretty sure.
00:45:15When you lift something, it better be a cock.
00:45:17I'm sorry.
00:45:18Once for Hanukkah, he gave me some slim Tampax.
00:45:22He said, leave them out so guys will think you're really tight.
00:45:27Here we go. This family, mother, father, and four kids.
00:45:30It doesn't matter if the boys or girls, they're going to be used anyway as just nothing more than a hole.
00:45:35Is what this joke's about anyway. It's about using your kid, you know, if they have a paper route to go to school,
00:45:40and then you fuck them. No, that's, see, that's...
00:45:42His aim is to get as many disgusting thoughts into sentences as possible.
00:45:48And the agent goes, well, what do you people do? Father's like, watch us.
00:45:52He takes his wife's bra and he rips off her underwear and he takes some of her pubes with it.
00:45:56It's horrible. And there's a little bit of blood starts dripping down her leg.
00:45:59So he just pulls out the tampon and throws it at the window and it sticks.
00:46:02They go down on each other in all different configurations.
00:46:04It's 69, it's 29 because the kids are young. It's nine.
00:46:07The father bends his kid over on the guy's desk and he's, like, taking him from behind, which isn't right.
00:46:12I just want to say right now, if any of you people are doing this that are watching this, if you're having sex with your family, I don't condone it.
00:46:18I think it's wrong. I can do a lot of PSAs to support. Do not fuck your family.
00:46:23So they're all fucking each other, right? All of a sudden the kid can't take it.
00:46:27Diarrhea starts squirting out of his ass. It's like a hemorrhaging shit ass.
00:46:31The kid starts spinning in a circle because he can't control it. It's kind of like Curly and the Stooges.
00:46:35Mo Larry the Cheezys. The projectile shit is just flying at him. It's going all over the room. It's like spin art.
00:46:41Well, you don't know whether to shit or puke in this room. That's how...
00:46:44What the fuck am I doing?
00:46:51Then, wait, there's more.
00:46:53You get to be a comic for comics. This is... this is fun.
00:46:57So then they start singing, make them laugh.
00:47:01And be a clown.
00:47:04The father's hemorrhoid pops, right? So he grabs it up, puts it on the end of his nose.
00:47:08Like a clown, like Emmett Kelly, except he's covered in shit.
00:47:11Then they all start making out.
00:47:13You know, they're making...
00:47:16All kidding aside.
00:47:18By the way, this would be a good time right now to take your pants off and get some lotion.
00:47:22Because that's what happens next with this family. They just start jacking and...
00:47:26Ugh, can I get a copy of this? I'd like to send it to the kids on the show Full House.
00:47:33If I could.
00:47:34It was just an opportunity to be vile for no reason at all. So I used to love it.
00:47:40Father can't help himself, hauls back, smacks his wife right in the mouth, knocks all of her teeth out.
00:47:45Sticks his fist, accidentally mind you, down her toothless throat.
00:47:50Unbelievable, he actually fists her neck.
00:47:53I love the idea of floating right past that as if this is the most normal and the thing you're most used to doing.
00:48:00I come inside my daughter's asshole and then my wife felches it. I'm not sure if you're familiar with felching.
00:48:07Felching is where you fuck someone in the ass and then you...
00:48:11Suck the cum out. Tasty.
00:48:14Jizz straight, it's good, but if it has that little taste of shit...
00:48:20We also have the dirty Sanchez.
00:48:22That's where you fuck someone in the ass, then you pull it out and then you give the girl a mustache with the shit that's on your dick.
00:48:28Mexican mustache and ding, ding.
00:48:30Then there's the strawberry shortcake.
00:48:32He jerks off on her face and punches her in the nose.
00:48:35She's bleeding and there's white.
00:48:38And a rusty trombone, obviously, you know.
00:48:41Come on, the rusty trombone, people have heard of.
00:48:43You know, you spread a man's asshole and then there's the rusty hole.
00:48:47And I lick his ass while I reach around and jerk him off.
00:48:50And that's how you...
00:48:54And then there's space docking where you take a shit in a girl's pussy.
00:48:57I don't think anyone's ever done that.
00:48:58I would make sure that I was treating those things as...
00:49:02And then he took out the carburetor and he began to take the carburetor part and the intake...
00:49:07I'm fucking my daughter, you have to understand, while she's nobbing my son.
00:49:11And he's not trying to be foul.
00:49:13And he genuinely believed it's really quite novel what we do and you'd be crazy not to hire us.
00:49:17And make it as matter of fact as possible.
00:49:19That's the joy for me of saying something that violates someone's boundaries.
00:49:24Mother clips all the nails off of one of her hands, puts it up her daughter, and starts working her like a puppet.
00:49:29The father's got smelling salts that he's been giving to his kids.
00:49:33They keep passing out, you know.
00:49:35The fact that their heads are bleeding and they've been anally raped in front of an agent yet.
00:49:39Mother had a big boil on her back. That popped.
00:49:41You always want to make sure that you haven't left anything out, because you know that there's always the chance to be topped.
00:49:47He takes out his penis and he goes over to the agent's desk.
00:49:50He starts slamming his dick in the drawer.
00:49:53Just flattens it right out like a bookmark.
00:49:55And then just starts smacking his kids with it, flicks them like a wet towel to Jim.
00:49:59And he knocks one of his kids right in the eye and the kid's eye pops out.
00:50:02Well, he looks at that as an opportunity, mind you.
00:50:05Just trying to go further than anyone had ever gone before.
00:50:08Just puts his flat wiener right in that eye socket, gets caught.
00:50:13Gets caught on the back of his retina.
00:50:15And he starts trying to get him off of him, and he's cockeyed.
00:50:18No. Okay.
00:50:19So all this is going on.
00:50:20Oh, you know what? I gotta go on.
00:50:22I'm sorry. I got people to entertain. Excuse me.
00:50:25What is so unique about this joke is that it's so absurdly front-loaded that it's almost the opposite of a joke.
00:50:32Steam is built up in the setup.
00:50:34There's something very satisfying in that structure itself of momentum, momentum, momentum, momentum.
00:50:38And the punchline, by the way, means nothing.
00:50:40There's something very satisfying in that.
00:50:42But it is the kind of joke that, you know, if you spent this much time on a setup
00:50:46and then the punchline was aristocrats or anything, most people are gonna go, huh.
00:50:52He says, the aristocrats.
00:50:54Oh, boy.
00:50:56Yeah, have some money.
00:50:59The punchline is almost intentionally, not lame, but weaker than you might have expected it to be.
00:51:05But the journey is so much fun that you just don't care.
00:51:08I'm not even sure what this means, by the way.
00:51:10The punchline can be the icing on the cake, but the cake can be really delicious.
00:51:14They slice that little line that runs up the middle of the testicles like a butterfly shrimp, depending on it.
00:51:19Now it looks like some strange sort of mouth.
00:51:22So they have ventriloquist nut sacks.
00:51:24And then they brought some children out on stage.
00:51:26That was sweet.
00:51:27One guy lays down with, you know, he's got a rod the size of my arm and balanced the kid up his ass on the guy's rod.
00:51:33Then they jerk the kid off, they get the kid heart.
00:51:36Now they put another naked kid his ass on that.
00:51:38They're building like a tower.
00:51:39It's...
00:51:40It's something you gotta see.
00:51:41It's phenomenal.
00:51:42By spinning each kid in a different direction, you get this kind of thing.
00:51:46It was actually lovely and it had great lighting.
00:51:48There are people who tell it, who tumble and make it great and make the act more interesting and fabulous.
00:51:53And then the animal part came on.
00:51:56And I'm trying to remember everything I saw.
00:51:57Donkey, llama, camel.
00:51:58Something that looked like a bison.
00:52:00I'm guessing I've never seen a bison.
00:52:02A giant animal that they brought out that you were rubbing.
00:52:05Well, that wasn't an animal.
00:52:06That wasn't an animal.
00:52:07What was that?
00:52:08That wasn't an animal.
00:52:09We're so conditioned now to sitcom humor where it's set up punchline.
00:52:13They think they're missing it.
00:52:14They don't understand that the journey is the fun.
00:52:17What intrigues me is how in America you can laugh at something like aristocrats,
00:52:21because you don't have aristocrats.
00:52:22Why does that work in America?
00:52:24That much foul filth needs a word like aristocrat.
00:52:28It almost sounds quaint that you can put a cute cap on something that rancid,
00:52:32that it's just as ugly as you can be.
00:52:34And it's like aristocrats, a form of society that doesn't even exist.
00:52:37I'm not going to lie.
00:52:38The first time I heard it, I said, what's an aristocrat?
00:52:41And I had no idea.
00:52:42Just this odd word.
00:52:44But it's the only word that would satisfy that hunk of filth.
00:52:47Now, I have heard the twist of calling them the sophisticates.
00:52:50Also a word.
00:52:52Actually, maybe even a little better.
00:52:53Maybe a little better, even.
00:52:54That's nice.
00:52:55The sophisticates.
00:52:56I personally think it's a much better joke than the sophisticates.
00:52:58Oh, we're sophisticates.
00:52:59It's the goofiness of a person turning the joke upon themselves.
00:53:02Whereas aristocrats are seldom self-appointed.
00:53:05Therefore, the joke is satire.
00:53:07And it's a political statement.
00:53:08You know what would be great is just to add to this list of shit-eating
00:53:11and everything else, it's just to add Republican.
00:53:13And the Democrats, too.
00:53:16It's not about Democrats and Republicans.
00:53:18Because of the language and the images, that gives it a political slant.
00:53:23I don't think the original intent was to do anything but tell a wild joke.
00:53:27There's no act in England that an aristocrat wouldn't do.
00:53:32It doesn't involve shagging animals or fist-fucking cows or anything.
00:53:37This was the evening of Monty Python and the Holy Grape.
00:53:40As you can see, there's our friend Eric Idle, George Harrison, and Terry Gilliam.
00:53:45We were, you know, just telling jokes.
00:53:47And George said, instead of aristocrat or sophisticates, we use royalty.
00:53:52Which is an even funnier joke.
00:53:54In the English one, apparently, there's debonaires, but that doesn't really grab me.
00:53:58When I had it, it was the debonaires, which I think is even funnier.
00:54:03It has us out in je ne sais quoi.
00:54:05The debonaires, I like that.
00:54:07The aristocrats, it's pretty funny.
00:54:10What are you thinking about it?
00:54:11I don't know what the other guys are telling you.
00:54:13I have the original.
00:54:14The original was that people who signed the Declaration of Independence
00:54:16are going to have a big party.
00:54:17That's the original way it was told.
00:54:18I'm from Philadelphia.
00:54:19You go to Independence Hall.
00:54:20You see the Liberty Bell, the Declaration of Independence, all that.
00:54:23And there is framed a sketch of the original telling of the aristocrat.
00:54:28And you see Ben Franklin laughing, and you see Betsy Roth taking a dump.
00:54:33Because the original joke, when they slid through the shit and vomit,
00:54:36they hit the bell.
00:54:37And that's what cracked the bell.
00:54:39You look at the signers.
00:54:40There's one very heavy signer.
00:54:42He's the one who fucked up the bell.
00:54:44I told the original.
00:54:45You watch.
00:54:46A lot of people are going to tell this aristocrat a different way.
00:54:48And that's fucked.
00:54:49This joke, my grandfather told my father.
00:54:53He heard it from his grandfather.
00:54:55It goes all the way back, this joke.
00:54:57Sometimes it was known as the tale of Push Tushkin.
00:55:00The gay rabbi.
00:55:19There's a similar tale.
00:55:21It gets mixed up.
00:55:22My grandfather took this joke so far.
00:55:24His entire life, he lived 67 years.
00:55:27Always in a constant state of this joke.
00:55:29Constant.
00:55:30Eat everything he did.
00:55:31Marry.
00:55:32Children.
00:55:33Everything.
00:55:34It was set up, set up, set up, set up.
00:55:35And then just the moment he died.
00:55:37Punchline.
00:55:38What do you call this?
00:55:39The aristocrats.
00:55:40He's dead.
00:55:41And then we left.
00:55:43His grandpa's dead.
00:55:44Oh, the aristocrats.
00:55:46I get it.
00:55:47All of a sudden, his entire life, I get this.
00:55:50We thought and we were right that he was crazy.
00:55:53But no one will top him.
00:55:55No one will top this guy.
00:55:58Uncle Janusz.
00:55:59My grandfather's Uncle Janusz.
00:56:01See, that's bad improv right there.
00:56:03My grandfather, Uncle Janusz.
00:56:05I remember being at school and I remember going home.
00:56:08And my grandmother sitting me down and telling me the joke.
00:56:12She's from Poland, so she only spoke Yiddish.
00:56:15The only English word she knew was cunt.
00:56:17I remember cunt.
00:56:18And I remember saying, eat, eat.
00:56:21And cunt.
00:56:24You know, now that I think back on it, it's probably wrong.
00:56:29There was this story my mother used to tell me.
00:56:32There was a goat in Tammy that my father got very involved with.
00:56:38While he was working, they went on the road with this act.
00:56:41My father was blowing this goat over at MGM and my mother walked in on them.
00:56:46And my mother just thought that was adorable.
00:56:49My mother's a golden shower queen.
00:56:51The original movie of Singing in the Rain was a huge golden shower extravaganza.
00:56:56But it didn't really get past the censors, which is a shame,
00:56:59because there were some wonderful numbers with Mickey Rooney,
00:57:02who was huge with fisting.
00:57:06You know, in the early days in Hollywood, it was completely accepted.
00:57:09I always loved show business jokes.
00:57:11These ones that seem a little more inside.
00:57:13And in a very sort of twisted, warped way, this disgusting, foul joke
00:57:18is a joke about the sweet old days of show business.
00:57:20In my show, I'm gonna sit on top of the piano and fit the whole thing in my vagina.
00:57:25The percussionist, I love that word, percussionist,
00:57:28is gonna take his triangle, put it in front of my triangle,
00:57:31and cling-a-lang-a-lang with the trolley just the way mama sang it.
00:57:35And then I'm gonna take the banger to the triangle and cling-a-lang it until my clitoris swells up
00:57:41into a large Macy's Day Parade balloon.
00:57:45I'm gonna take that and stretch it out, and I'm gonna wrap it around the microphone cord
00:57:49and fling it over my shoulder the way mama used to do.
00:57:52As I'm singing, what do I have that I don't have?
00:57:57Where'd that note go?
00:57:59And then the rest of the biz is gonna jump up, and we're gonna sing,
00:58:03shine your shoes, shine the shoes, and I'm gonna shine my shoes at my vagina juices,
00:58:09put them back on, tap, tap, tap, do a split, and that's the act.
00:58:13They actually act, I'm gonna call it, the aristocrats.
00:58:20Isn't that terrific?
00:58:22This is a joke that's pretty much exclusive to show business.
00:58:25You never hear a physicist going, it's a muon, you cunt.
00:58:29And now I have a joke for you very similar to, that's why the group is called aristocrats,
00:58:33in the show business theme with a nice turn.
00:58:35There's an audition for a piano player at a very exclusive bar,
00:58:38and a guy shows up and the owner of the club says,
00:58:40listen, this is a very, very exclusive place.
00:58:43I'd like you to be able to play all different styles of music,
00:58:45but they have to be very classy.
00:58:46And the guy says, I can do anything.
00:58:48The guy plays the piano, it's the most beautiful song the owner ever heard of his life.
00:58:50He says, that's great, I never heard that song before.
00:58:52And he goes, well, it's an original, I wrote it myself.
00:58:54He goes, I really, uh, what's it called?
00:58:56He says, it's called, my dog was fucking me in the ass while my cat was licking my balls.
00:59:00Well, that's, uh, really awful. Do you have any other songs?
00:59:03You know what, I have a wonderful thing I'll play for you.
00:59:05He plays this kind of jazzy tune, and they say, that was great, what was that?
00:59:09And he says, I ate your sister's bloody tampon.
00:59:11He says, hey, it's a classy place, please, no more of that.
00:59:14He goes, oh, fine, fine.
00:59:16You know, I really like your songs, I want to hire you,
00:59:18so go ahead and play for my customers, but just don't tell them any names of your songs.
00:59:21He goes, okay, that's all right.
00:59:22He gets that night, he starts playing the piano, the crowd goes crazy,
00:59:24standing ovation, they never heard anything like it, the songs are so beautiful.
00:59:26After about an hour, he says, just give me a break, I gotta go to the can.
00:59:30So he leaves, he goes to the bathroom.
00:59:31On his way out, he forgets to zip up his pants.
00:59:33And somebody sees him and says, hey, you know, your zipper's undone and your dick's hanging out.
00:59:37He says, no, I wrote it.
00:59:41That's what a group of entertainers have in common.
00:59:44They understand that they've seen shitty acts.
00:59:46The worst bar band in Schittsville, Ohio, always have a glorious name,
00:59:52like the incredible diamond-studded reefer tone.
00:59:55It's done in every aspect of life.
00:59:58You know, you'll see a little run-down greasy spoon diner calling itself the gourmet corner.
01:00:03Besides from the humor of the joke, there's a sadness that these people had no self-realization
01:00:10that what their act was would get them absolutely no place, yet they call themselves the aristocrats
01:00:16because they're clinging to the very last vestige of respectability.
01:00:21Absolutely no class, absolutely horrible, but they are in show business and they are aristocrats.
01:00:27I don't put the aristocrats on my resume anymore, you know?
01:00:31It doesn't take away from, like, my pride.
01:00:34I actually was an aristocrat.
01:00:38It's kind of weird to be a part of that legend.
01:00:41It was my mom, my dad, me, my brother, and my nana.
01:00:45My father would come out on stage, then music would play, and he would start masturbating.
01:00:50My brother comes out.
01:00:52They do, like, a mutual masturbation, kind of like a dueling banjos.
01:00:56They're holding hands and spin.
01:00:58I stay in a stationary position.
01:01:01When the assholes come by and I lick the assholes,
01:01:05and in one motion, my mother, um, both pinkies up their assholes as they come.
01:01:11It's pretty, it's pretty spectacular, and it's all about timing.
01:01:16Like, on one level, it's a joke about scatological humor and show business,
01:01:21but on another level, it's about a family.
01:01:24It's about the hopes and dreams of that family.
01:01:28My brother has Down syndrome. Did I say that?
01:01:32People might think it's a setback, but really, it's a selling point.
01:01:36It's not a handicap. I don't want to say it's a gift.
01:01:39We think of it as a gift just in terms of ticket sales, but, I mean,
01:01:43we think of it as showing the other beauties that God creates,
01:01:49like the ones with the bigger foreheads and the lower eyelids.
01:01:55Did they ever ask you to be on The Tonight Show?
01:01:57Not The Tonight Show, but Joe Franklin loved The Aristocrat.
01:02:02He was like our rehearsal director when Dad and my brother weren't there,
01:02:07and my mother and my nana weren't there.
01:02:14I was on his show. He said it wasn't a taped show.
01:02:18But we, like, did a show.
01:02:26Like, in his apartment?
01:02:28Yeah, it was his office.
01:02:30But he had a bed in it.
01:02:33Like a couch that he called Uncle Joe's bed for little people.
01:02:39Because a couch is like a bed for little people, you know?
01:02:50Joe Franklin raped me.
01:02:56Comedians often feel like I am this weird, twisted, strange person
01:03:00somewhere near the outer reaches of the bell curve
01:03:03trying somehow to package this in a way
01:03:06that confers upon me some kind of dignity and respect.
01:03:10Maybe that's the reason that this joke is so appealing.
01:03:12I don't... I'm... I've played by their rules for a really long time.
01:03:16I don't want to do it anymore.
01:03:17What are they gonna do? Like, prevent me from doing a show with the Olsen twins?
01:03:20I think you're all skirting around this.
01:03:22I think that you should all be aristocrats.
01:03:25The audience, all of us, should be aristocrats.
01:03:27A lot of people are contracted into this puritanical idea
01:03:30that we have to get married when we're young
01:03:32and we can't fuck boys and fuck girls.
01:03:34We can do it all.
01:03:35Starfish are bi.
01:03:36Have you ever seen a starfish eat out another starfish?
01:03:39Takes forever. They do it.
01:03:41Closed the comedy clubs and opened up brothels
01:03:43and bathhouses, glory holes.
01:03:45This is what this country needs.
01:03:46It needs a really tight orgasm.
01:03:49You know, I'm an actor.
01:03:50I was in a lot of TV shows.
01:03:51And I went to this orgy once.
01:03:52I fucked all these people.
01:03:53And somebody whispered in my ear,
01:03:55you were great on Friends.
01:03:58But, you know, you're not going to have Mary Hart
01:04:00talk about that with me.
01:04:01I just want to take an approach to the joke in my way.
01:04:05I'm the agent and I'm pitching it, okay?
01:04:07So this very athletic blonde man walks onto the stage
01:04:11in a leather Speedo.
01:04:12He has this slightly sadistic nature about him.
01:04:15He has this fine, fine baby hair all over these very steely pectoral muscles.
01:04:20He has like a treasure trail that goes down.
01:04:22Heavy cut man meat.
01:04:23Like an 11 by 7 cock.
01:04:25He's a horse hung guy.
01:04:26This chick walks out with this rocket body
01:04:28and this artificial rack.
01:04:29And she looks like Carmen Electra only better.
01:04:31And she starts gently rubbing her pussy.
01:04:33This submissive sissy boy comes out and points at the dick
01:04:36and says, I want that cock to bust my virgin ass.
01:04:39The chick straps on this dildo and has this really challenging
01:04:42intense expression on her face and says, let me.
01:04:45She starts rubbing him in a very spiritually centered way.
01:04:49Little sissy boy is obviously demanding pussy bottom.
01:04:52He tilts his ass up gently.
01:04:54She starts eating his ass, giving him this rim job royale,
01:04:57as they would say in Pulp Fiction.
01:04:59The big horse hung dick is now going in the pussy boy's mouth.
01:05:02It's getting face on.
01:05:03The girl takes this cock and slides it in her pussy.
01:05:05But what she, and this is going to be in the program,
01:05:07like Liner notes that the girl has trained in that fine geisha way,
01:05:11where the pussy would contract to make your vagina pull up on that cock.
01:05:15When you are shooting, it is like yanking it.
01:05:19I don't know if anyone's ever had that happen, but it's wild.
01:05:22And she is taking like a huge fucking horse load.
01:05:26And it's called the massage-a-crats.
01:05:31This joke holds a mirror up to itself.
01:05:34The people who say the joke must contain shit,
01:05:38don't invite them into your home.
01:05:39The people who say it must involve bestiality,
01:05:42don't let them near your dog.
01:05:44This tells you a lot about a person, this joke.
01:05:46It's where your darkest place can go, you know?
01:05:49In a way, this joke really isn't all that relevant.
01:05:52Standards of offensive change over time.
01:05:55As a matter of fact, it's quite a tame joke now.
01:05:57There's something quite charming about it, which is weird, isn't it?
01:06:00I have got the perfect family act.
01:06:02He goes, go ahead, tell me.
01:06:03He goes, my wife and I go out, we sing and dance,
01:06:05we fuck each other, the kids come out, they sing and dance,
01:06:07we fuck the kids, the kids fuck each other,
01:06:09dog comes out, he shits, he pisses on all of us,
01:06:11he looks it up, jumps through a hoop.
01:06:13Guy says, what do you call the act?
01:06:14He goes, the aristocrats.
01:06:15Agent goes, I already have an act like that.
01:06:18That's what's happening to show business.
01:06:20No matter what, you can come out, fuck the kids,
01:06:22fuck the dogs, doesn't matter.
01:06:23Well, I've already seen that.
01:06:24That's not really a joke anymore.
01:06:26That's actually the really great idea to pitch to a network.
01:06:30I could walk into NBC tomorrow and say, I have a dysfunctional family idea.
01:06:35So dysfunctional, it defies description.
01:06:38We got people fucking and sucking, blowing armadillos,
01:06:41diddling like an 11-year-old cheerleader.
01:06:43We could bring in people from the past because they can do that now,
01:06:45you know, they get those idiotic ads, Humphrey Bogart and all that other bullshit.
01:06:48If they're fucking major world leaders of the past, like Hitler and Mussolini,
01:06:51Genghis Khan, for God's sake.
01:06:53I just thought of that and that's unbelievable.
01:06:54It's not a joke.
01:06:55This would go on TV and we blow Hitler.
01:06:57And then the next episode, we bite his dick off.
01:07:00See what happens to Hitler's dick.
01:07:01They'll be turning it on. Phenomenal.
01:07:03It's a family act, but it's a twist because they're retarded.
01:07:07And what they do is they get on a pile of dead nuns and they fuck each other.
01:07:11And then they have a big closing where they fist fuck an autistic preteen.
01:07:15And the agent says, well, what do you call them?
01:07:18And he says, the Osbournes.
01:07:21A lot of what is already on TV now,
01:07:23they would have the dog fucking and the shit-eating on, you know...
01:07:27Friends.
01:07:28Not on Friends, but on South Park.
01:07:31You guys want to hear a funny joke my grandpa told me?
01:07:33No?
01:07:34Okay, so this family walks into a talent agency.
01:07:36It's a mother, father, their son and daughter and a little baby.
01:07:39The father says, sir, our family has an amazing act.
01:07:41And the talent agent says, sorry, we don't sign family acts, they're too cutesy.
01:07:44But then the mother goes, please, sir, if you just give us two minutes, we know you'll like our act.
01:07:48So the talent agent says, alright, you've got two minutes.
01:07:50The family jumps right into it.
01:07:52Thrilling circus music starts to play as the father spins his daughter around,
01:07:55bends her over, lifts up her skirt and starts licking her asshole.
01:07:57What?
01:07:58Then the son lays down on the floor and opens his mouth,
01:08:00and the mother squats down over his face and starts shitting all over him.
01:08:02Dude!
01:08:03Hold down, hold down.
01:08:04The father grabs the baby, takes off his diaper and starts sucking his cock, right?
01:08:07While the son, still with his mother's shit in his mouth,
01:08:09goes over and licks the baby's tiny little balls.
01:08:11Dude!
01:08:12Hold down, Cal.
01:08:13Then the father and son take the baby and start stuffing it head first back into the mother's vagina.
01:08:16Dude, just stop.
01:08:17Hold down, Cal.
01:08:18They get the baby halfway in so that just his legs are sticking out all kicking and flailing around.
01:08:22The son takes the mother's shit out of his mouth and starts rubbing it all over everyone,
01:08:25while the father sticks his cock in the baby's asshole and fucks it while it's still inside the mother,
01:08:29until he comes all over the baby, the wife, and the son, and the daughter.
01:08:32C-C-Cartman, I don't want to-
01:08:33Cal!
01:08:34Will you hold on, please?
01:08:35Then the father gets up and says,
01:08:36and now for our impersonation of the victims of 9-11.
01:08:38And the whole family starts running around the room,
01:08:40covered with shit and piss and cum, going,
01:08:41ah!
01:08:42Ah!
01:08:43The building's coming down!
01:08:44Help!
01:08:45And the family runs back to the center of the room and goes,
01:08:47ta-da!
01:08:48And the talent agent, and he just sits there.
01:08:50And finally he says,
01:08:51Jesus, that's a hell of an act, what do you call it?
01:08:53And the father says, the aristocrats.
01:08:56I don't get it.
01:09:01Neither do I.
01:09:04That doesn't count as transgressive anymore.
01:09:07Well, we're reinventing the joke for new generations by putting in stuff that's offensive now.
01:09:11Now, the world has changed, you know.
01:09:13Shockability has gone to a whole other level.
01:09:16You can say, nigga, nigga, nigga, stick, dick, cunk.
01:09:19You can say all of that, people go, ah!
01:09:21When you're among comedians, you really have to push the envelope.
01:09:24For a comedian telling it to comedians,
01:09:26he'd probably do a filthy or disgusting version of it for his peers
01:09:30than he would for maybe his friends at the bar from the old neighborhood.
01:09:34It's like you're performing in front of your family,
01:09:36yet there's no holds barred.
01:09:37And there's a level of appreciation that's going to sort of go along with it.
01:09:41I dare you, Provenza, to tell that joke on stage in front of anyone.
01:09:45If you can make an audience laugh at that, you are God.
01:09:47I'm a writer at the New York Observer.
01:09:49For the last five years, I've been covering the Friars Roast,
01:09:51and this year I wrote about Gilbert Gottfried's take on the aristocrats.
01:09:56Gilbert Gottfried did it at the Hugh Hefner Roast
01:09:58and was the funniest fucking joke ever.
01:10:00This roast was happening not even three weeks after September 11th,
01:10:04so there was a big discussion about what was right in terms of taste.
01:10:08There hadn't been any comedy in New York.
01:10:10It was very fresh.
01:10:11We were faced with having to put up a show, put on tuxedos,
01:10:14get Hugh Hefner and his pussy posse on a plane.
01:10:17It wasn't an easy sell, but we got him to do it.
01:10:19To his credit, we raised half a million dollars for charity,
01:10:21for 9-11 related charities.
01:10:23People needed a laugh, the release.
01:10:25Everybody was pulling back.
01:10:27Everybody was really sort of being careful.
01:10:30Rob Schneider went on first.
01:10:31He was doing great, then he missed a few,
01:10:33and a couple jokes didn't work, and I ran up to the mic,
01:10:35and I said, Rob, hasn't there been enough bombing in this city?
01:10:39And here comes Gilbert, and he just went for broke.
01:10:42I mean, it was unbelievable.
01:10:44Gilbert Gottfried took the mic, took the room over.
01:10:47He said he was trying to get a direct flight to Los Angeles.
01:10:50He was nervous because his plane had a connection on the way home
01:10:53at the Empire State Building.
01:10:55That was when the crowd turned.
01:10:57They started booing him.
01:10:59There was a guy in the audience shouting,
01:11:00too soon, too soon.
01:11:02The crowd was murmuring, and he said, OK.
01:11:04He said, OK.
01:11:05A man...
01:11:08A tra...
01:11:09A talent agent is sitting in his office.
01:11:13A family walks in.
01:11:15Man, woman, their two kids and their little dog.
01:11:19Their talent agent goes, what kind of an act do you do?
01:11:21It was like he had made this conscious decision,
01:11:23OK, I can't push the envelope of taste
01:11:26in terms of what happened in September,
01:11:28so I'm gonna push it in a completely different direction.
01:11:31It was arguably the dirtiest roast the Friars had ever done.
01:11:35The father starts fucking his wife.
01:11:37The wife starts jerking off the son.
01:11:40The son starts going down on the sister.
01:11:42The sister starts fingering the dog's asshole.
01:11:45He just grabbed him by the...
01:11:46You know, he just attacked.
01:11:48Then the son starts blowing his father.
01:11:51You want me to start at the beginning?
01:11:53If you missed any portion, I'll repeat it.
01:11:59There was this weird buzz that came,
01:12:02and you could see the guys up on the dais
01:12:04were looking at each other,
01:12:05and they had this look of familiarity in their eyes.
01:12:07They were all sort of saying,
01:12:08where is he gonna take this thing?
01:12:10Then the daughter starts slicking out the father's asshole.
01:12:14Then the father shits on the floor.
01:12:16The mother shits on the floor.
01:12:18The dog pisses and shits on the floor.
01:12:20They all jump down into the shit and piss and cum.
01:12:24And they start fucking and sucking each other.
01:12:27And then they take a bow.
01:12:30And the talent agent says,
01:12:35I'll wait till you're ready.
01:12:41I am sitting at a table of all comics.
01:12:43We're on the floor.
01:12:44They might have to clean this up for TV.
01:12:49I was laughing because he just was going so big with it,
01:12:52which I can't imagine Gilbert Gottfried doing.
01:12:55It was probably one of the best single tellings of a joke
01:12:59I've ever heard.
01:13:00Now, where was I?
01:13:01Oh, yes.
01:13:02The son is licking out his father's asshole.
01:13:08I almost died because I couldn't catch my breath laughing.
01:13:12They fucking suck each other and they take a bow.
01:13:16And the talent agent...
01:13:18Did you miss any portion of this?
01:13:20The talent agent says,
01:13:22well, that's an interesting act,
01:13:24which is kind of an understatement.
01:13:26The laugh was so deep and cathartic
01:13:29that it was like people were coughing up pieces of lung.
01:13:32Just, it was amazing.
01:13:33And a lot of these people who are watching him
01:13:35are up on the desk.
01:13:36They're all in comedy.
01:13:37And it was as if he had united everybody in that one moment.
01:13:40Because he told something that they all knew
01:13:43and they all had some sort of handle on it.
01:13:45And he just focused it and did it.
01:13:47He clearly had impressed a lot of people in the room.
01:13:49Now!
01:13:52He pulled this thing out and did it so well
01:13:55and with such fearlessness.
01:13:58I hate to end this on a really sentimental note.
01:14:01There was a sound in the audience that you really knew
01:14:03that there was something was happening here
01:14:05that was outside my grasp
01:14:07and, you know, anyone else who wasn't a total comedy veteran.
01:14:10Again, not a great joke so far as that was fair.
01:14:13On the other hand,
01:14:14hear Gilbert Gottfried tell a joke like that,
01:14:17it's a Picasso.
01:14:18The joke, I didn't even care about it anymore.
01:14:20I just wanted to see how far he would take it
01:14:22and when he would not stop saying
01:14:23fucking and sucking and fucking and...
01:14:25Watching him go through his apoplectic,
01:14:27rhythmic incantation of the whole thing
01:14:30sort of takes over.
01:14:32The fact that he's saying these particular words
01:14:35almost doesn't matter.
01:14:36He says, what do you call yourself?
01:14:38And they go, the aristocrats!
01:14:45Oh!
01:14:46It's just a joke.
01:14:51Help!
01:14:52It's as shocking as the first time you heard it, isn't it?
01:14:54Don't touch me.
01:14:56Is that the joke that you remember?
01:14:58Well, I didn't hear it that way.
01:15:00This is so much worse.
01:15:07I'm already feeling like I didn't do it justice.
01:15:09I had fucking the daughter in there,
01:15:10but I didn't color it in with colorful adjectives.
01:15:13Like an arm like Popeye.
01:15:15I didn't realize the bill that I was on.
01:15:18What's the most possibly vile and offensive thing
01:15:20you could add to top all that?
01:15:22If a guy took some of the shit that was on the stage
01:15:24and smeared it on his face and did a blackface routine.
01:15:27Doing an asshole.
01:15:29That's good.
01:15:30Add race-baiting.
01:15:31Sex anymore, who gives a shit?
01:15:33The racial issue has replaced the sexual issue.
01:15:36I'm the agent and you're the client.
01:15:38Okay.
01:15:39Are you a Jew agent, you filthy, hook-nosed, thieving fuck?
01:15:43Yeah.
01:15:44The agent says, yeah, what do you do?
01:15:46You know, a black guy comes on and starts sucking my cock
01:15:49like it's a chicken neck bone.
01:15:52A Indian comes on.
01:15:53You know, a Slurpee Indian, not a casino Indian.
01:16:00Sprinkles curry on everything.
01:16:04And starts sticking up the place.
01:16:06A stick comes on, steals everybody's wallet,
01:16:09and takes his shit on the stage.
01:16:11The black guy grabs a mop, picks it up the gay guy's ass,
01:16:14and mops off the fuckin' floor.
01:16:17The agent says, holy shit.
01:16:19What do you guys call yourselves?
01:16:20The fan goes, the aristocrats.
01:16:25One of the cliches people often go to is,
01:16:27now a lot of, some people do this for shock value.
01:16:29Well, shock is just another uptown word for surprise.
01:16:33Granted, it has a different quality to it,
01:16:35but a joke is about surprising someone.
01:16:37Like, three women of color, they go in this, uh,
01:16:40agent's office.
01:16:41They go, well, what do you do?
01:16:42And she goes, well, my sister plays a cello.
01:16:44She plays, uh, Chopin's, uh, third movement in B minor.
01:16:48I lay on a chase lounge, nude reading sonnets from Shakespeare.
01:16:53And then my third sister paints a painting very similar to
01:16:56Decroy's The Girl.
01:16:57And you go, wow, that sounds good.
01:16:59What do you call this act?
01:17:00She goes, oh, we're nigger cunts.
01:17:02Well, you can't say that.
01:17:03That's the worst words in the world.
01:17:05I'm a great believer in context.
01:17:07I say you can joke about anything.
01:17:09Funny is funny.
01:17:10If they're told with a funny bone, anything's acceptable.
01:17:13I mean, let's have some fun.
01:17:15Well, you know, after the tragic events of, uh, January 3rd.
01:17:19Come on.
01:17:21On January 3rd, I left my visa at the Four Seasons on Doheny.
01:17:25It was like...
01:17:26I do like finding out where the line is drawn,
01:17:29deliberately crossing it, bringing some of them with me
01:17:32across the line, and having them be happy that I did.
01:17:35I like to take chances because I just think that,
01:17:38you know, you should, you know.
01:17:40That's what comedy is all about.
01:17:42I pull up Mommy's dress, and I put my wiener in her butt,
01:17:46and I push it into her unwilling anus,
01:17:50and I move my wiener back and forth until stuff shoots out.
01:17:54Until it's finally just a whole prolapsed rectum.
01:17:57It looks like an ulcerated sea snake.
01:17:59Remember when I took you to Sea World?
01:18:01Yeah.
01:18:02And all the stuff shoots on her face,
01:18:04and I stick my cock in her ass.
01:18:07It's like a shillelagh.
01:18:08It's all knotted with boils and fibrous tumors.
01:18:11I'll show you a little bit later.
01:18:13The brother comes out.
01:18:14He eats stuff off her face with this bleeding anus
01:18:17splattering on the crowd.
01:18:19Who give the front row garbage bags?
01:18:21Have you ever seen Gallagher?
01:18:23Yeah, I didn't like it that much myself.
01:18:25And they eat the poop off the floor.
01:18:27And he says, ta-da!
01:18:29And the man says, the aristocrats!
01:18:33And both of the men are probably Jews.
01:18:36That there's still a joke out there that maybe they shouldn't tell.
01:18:42You know, maybe they're taking a chance telling.
01:18:44Maybe they get a little bit nervous as they start the joke.
01:18:48It means something.
01:18:49Even in today's day and age, they just get a little murmur inside.
01:18:53And I think that will be what keeps a joke like this special.
01:18:58You know, I never realized any of that stuff was considered dirty.
01:19:01Because I was just funny, before you guys got here, I was eating a plate of my own shit.
01:19:04Um, and I think, hey, Madeline.
01:19:07Hey.
01:19:08Do you know this joke about, uh, the punchline is the aristocrats?
01:19:12I totally do not get it.
01:19:15You don't get the joke?
01:19:16Someone told it to me, but I don't get it.
01:19:18Because it's a whole family's having sex with each other.
01:19:21Is that aristocratic?
01:19:23It's more than that.
01:19:25Um, yeah, I think it's best if we don't break it down.
01:19:29Would you agree with that?
01:19:39No, I don't want to tell the joke.
01:19:41You guys have had way too many great people tell on this joke.
01:19:58The aristocrats!
01:20:04That's great.
01:20:06The best looking ass in the show business.
01:20:11Don't ever ask me to do another favor for you.
01:20:15I guarantee you this will not wind up on my demo tape.
01:20:18I'm not gonna work for Disney ever again.
01:20:20Thanks a lot, Paul Provenza.
01:20:22I once asked Dom Herrera, why does anal sex play such a huge role in humor?
01:20:26And he said, I can't tell you, but I can show you.
01:20:37Sarah Silverman is a young lady to watch.
01:20:40I'll keep an eye on her.
01:20:41Well, you've never met her?
01:20:43No.
01:20:47Does everyone do it? Does everyone do this or no?
01:20:49Well, people do it.
01:20:50Alright, fuck shit, cunt.
01:20:51What?
01:21:00A man goes into a pub, and another guy comes in and hits him on the head with an iron bar.
01:21:04He says, hey, was that serious or a joke?
01:21:06He says, it was serious.
01:21:07He says, thank God I can't stand jokes like that.
01:21:09Is any of this funny?
01:21:16Don't pan to them.
01:21:18Stay on me.
01:21:19Don't look at them.
01:21:20There's gonna be problems.
01:21:21Got it.
01:21:22Okay.
01:21:39When's this gonna be up in Redford's thing?
01:21:422020?
01:21:43I'll try to be alive for it.
01:21:51It's not often that you talk about cunts for ten minutes and somebody behind the camera goes, perfect.
01:21:56That's exactly what we need.
01:22:02The guy sees two priests having supper together, and he says, I didn't know whether to send them a bottle of wine or a Cub Scout.
01:22:09The dog's name is Peanut, and she is blind.
01:22:27She wasn't blind when we got her, but we blinded her, just so she'd be a little bit more fun.
01:22:33That's good.
01:22:34Uh...
01:22:35Fuck, that's good.
01:22:36Is this thing on?
01:22:37Uh...
01:22:38Fuck, that's good.
01:22:39Is this thing on?
01:22:41Uh...
01:22:42Uh...
01:22:43Fuck, that's good.
01:22:44Uh...
01:22:45Fuck, that's good.
01:22:46Is this thing on?
01:22:48Uh...
01:22:49Uh...
01:22:50Uh...
01:22:51Uh...
01:22:52Uh...
01:22:53Uh...
01:22:54Uh...
01:22:55Uh...
01:22:56Uh...
01:22:57Uh...
01:22:58Uh...
01:22:59Uh...
01:23:00Uh...
01:23:01Uh...
01:23:02Uh...
01:23:03Uh...
01:23:04Uh...
01:23:05Uh...
01:23:06Uh...
01:23:07Uh...
01:23:08Uh...
01:23:09Uh...
01:23:10Uh...
01:23:11Uh...
01:23:12Uh...
01:23:13Uh...
01:23:14Uh...
01:23:15Uh...
01:23:16Uh...
01:23:17Uh...
01:23:18I don't know what you're getting, but they refuse to pay me, and I'm really steamed.
01:23:23Steamed?
01:23:31And the agent says...
01:23:36What the fuck am I doing?
01:23:48Do other people get laughs out of this?
01:23:53I think so.
01:23:55And he says, the aristocrats.
01:23:58It's because it's absolutely the wrong thing to call and act like that.
01:24:03No.
01:24:18Is it on?
01:24:26You're not taping yet, really, are you?
01:24:28Goodbye.
01:24:29What's our mic?
01:24:30Shit, I forgot we had the mic.
01:24:33Try this.
01:24:34Ball sacks.
01:24:35Right, I said ball sacks in front of a six-year-old girl.
01:24:37They're not going to take my six-year-old away from me.
01:24:40Bye, Robert.
01:24:41Daddy loves you.
01:24:42I often sit here in my garden, gazing into my Victorian reflecting ball.
01:24:50Darling, would you get me a cup of tea?
01:24:52Get it yourself.
01:24:55I just want to thank you.
01:24:57It's so nice to be part of this extraordinary experience.
01:25:00A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder.
01:25:02A bartender says, hey, where'd you get that?
01:25:04And the frog says, Brooklyn.
01:25:05There's hundreds of them.
01:25:07Good luck.
01:25:12Man, I feel like we're all, like, plenty.
01:25:17And now, the world's oldest living vaudevillian
01:25:20with the original aristocrat's joke.
01:25:22number 1.
01:25:281
01:25:311
01:25:362
01:25:443
01:25:482
01:25:494
01:25:502
01:25:503
01:25:504
01:25:525
01:25:52Oh, this way, this way, this way, this way, this way.
01:26:22There are these two mountain goats, and they...
01:26:40Sir, sir, sir?
01:26:44Sir?
01:26:46Sir?
01:26:50Oh.
01:26:55Hmm...
01:26:57The mountain...
01:27:00The mountain...
01:27:04And the mountain...
01:27:06The mountain...
01:27:10All the way to the...
01:27:13The mountain...
01:27:16¶¶
01:27:21¶¶
01:27:26¶¶
01:27:46Aristocrats!
01:28:16Aristocrats!
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