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The Blame Game - Season 23 Episode 4
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00:00Hello, hello.
00:29And welcome to The Blame Game, the show that has more laughs than Northern Ireland has patients been treated in hospital corridors.
00:37Sadly, that's a lot of laughs.
00:40I'm Tim McGarry and our regular panellists are Colin Murphy, Diona Doherty and Neil Delamere.
00:52And our special guest tonight is an award-winning stand-up comedian and author of one of the most inspirational and important books ever to be written.
00:59Namely, The Gobshite Guidebook.
01:03A book all about gobshites.
01:06Presumably inspired by a day watching Stormont Live.
01:10Please welcome the fabulously funny, Jarlith Regan!
01:14Jarlith is also the host of a hugely successful podcast, An Irish Man Abroad.
01:26The Irish Man Abroad podcast was inspired when he heard Neil Delamere was visiting Belfast.
01:30In shock news this week, it's been revealed that there is actually one person in Northern Ireland who doesn't know that Steakknife was Freddie Scappatici.
01:42Unfortunately, that person is the Secretary of State, Hilary Benn.
01:51Mr Benn still says he doesn't know who Steakknife was, even though Scappatici's identity has been undeniably confirmed by security sources, investigators, ex-IRA men, journalists, as well as two Labradors, three poodles and a stray collie.
02:03The dogs in the street, people, come on, watch with me.
02:09Yes, the government was refusing to name Scappatici, saying it neither confirms nor denies the identity of agents.
02:15The neither confirm nor deny policy is, of course, better known by the acronym MTGLLFE.
02:20Make the government look like feckin' idiots.
02:24Now on with the show, the audience asked the questions and our panel provides some very unreliable answers.
02:27So what did you, the audience, ask us coming in?
02:30Brian from Lorne asks, who's to blame for a toxic stormant assembly?
02:34Sorry, Brian, you're at their own bucking show. This isn't Buck and Nolan.
02:39Who's to blame for three grand World Cup final tickets?
02:43I don't know who asked that, but if you're from Ireland, north or south, don't worry, you won't need them.
02:49Finally, this is a bit weird, who's to blame for the black market in mass cards in Warren Point?
02:57That is the single most cult-y question we have ever had on this show.
03:11Black market, yes.
03:13What's next week's question?
03:14There's a load of counterfeit rosary beads going around here in Newry.
03:18Is it you, sir?
03:20Look, look at them!
03:21What's your name?
03:22Father Brennan, is it?
03:23LAUGHTER
03:24So what is our first question tonight?
03:28Our first question tonight is asked by Keith from Lisburn.
03:31Hi, Keith from Lisburn.
03:33Who's to blame for Christmas conflict?
03:35Yes, a man in London got a poison pen letter from a neighbour
03:38for putting up gaudy decorations including a 20-foot inflatable Santa.
03:43Thankfully, that sort of thing wouldn't happen over here.
03:46Well, not unless the Merry Christmas sign was also in Irish.
03:48LAUGHTER
03:49And Santa was holding a Palestinian flag.
03:54It's the season of goodwill to all men, except in Northern Ireland, of course,
03:58where we had a row about a flags protocol and bilingual road signs.
04:02In case you're wondering how this works, Jarlath,
04:05basically, if you're on the Omer Road,
04:07one bilingual street sign entitles you to ten tattered Union Jacks.
04:11LAUGHTER
04:11Can I just take a moment?
04:13And Keith from Lisburn, mask cards are...
04:17LAUGHTER
04:18But there were also lovely Christmas stories this week.
04:29Glen Torn footballers took part in a video in which they performed
04:31Santa Claus is Coming to Town using Makaton, a form of sign language.
04:36The Glen Torn players learnt sign language to make a really heart-warming video.
04:40On the downside, Irish league referees, please take note that Glen Torn players
04:44can now say, piss off, you bollocks, that was never offside,
04:47and you won't even know it.
04:49But who can we blame for Christmas conflict?
04:53I think probably fatigue is a big part of it, right?
04:57I don't know if everybody feels the same way.
04:59When you get to this point in the year, particularly a year like this,
05:03there's just nothing left.
05:04Like, we've had so much mad news for the entire year.
05:08We're all spent and we're completely numb to it.
05:11I think that if you walked out tonight and said,
05:13breaking news, guys, Gerry Adams is going to be on the next season
05:16of Strictly Come Dancing, people would have been like,
05:19yeah, we'll watch it, we'll watch it.
05:21I mean, I would watch it, specifically to see the announcer say,
05:24now, dancing the rumba to the sounds of Kamaua, you black and tan.
05:28LAUGHTER
05:29I think we'd all tune in, you know?
05:32It might be the first time you voted Sinn Féin, but you'd do it, you know?
05:35It's...
05:36It's just...
05:39Can you get glitter on a balaclava?
05:42Yeah, you say that's a six, but I'd say it's a seven if you check a gant.
05:47I think probably the main cause of conflict this Christmas,
05:51and any Christmas, is gobshites.
05:53There's a reason I wrote the book about it.
05:55There's gobshites everywhere.
05:56They're all across these news stories.
05:58The one you mentioned about the inflatable Santa,
06:00the fella buys a Santa that's 20 feet tall,
06:03accidentally puts it up outside his house.
06:06Is he a gobshite, or is the person that writes a letter
06:08of complaint a gobshite?
06:09That's the question.
06:10But I know that we've all done it, right?
06:11We've all bought stuff that's the wrong size.
06:15My other skill, though, Tim, really quickly is,
06:18and I don't know if this could be used by the PS&I,
06:20I can track down weirdos.
06:21Oh.
06:22Yeah.
06:22If you have any lunatics or weirdos on the loose in Belfast,
06:26stick me on a train.
06:28I won't find them, but they will come to me.
06:33This gobshite thing is a real problem.
06:36Like, I'm not just plugging the book,
06:37although I do have it here in case...
06:38LAUGHTER
06:39I think that we're trying to manipulate Christmas
06:44and avoid conflict now around gobshites,
06:47because we know they're the cause of most arguments.
06:49This week a big story came up that chat GPT and AI
06:52is now helping people avoid buying crap Christmas presents,
06:56which is just lunacy in many ways,
07:00because now we don't know who the gobshites are.
07:03Did you actually buy me this gift,
07:04or did your phone buy me this gift, right?
07:07On my last tour, I asked the audience,
07:09what is the worst gift your partner got you?
07:12And some of the answers were insane.
07:14Like, I had a guy in Derry say...
07:16His wife said that her husband bought her
07:20a framed picture of his mother.
07:24LAUGHTER
07:24At Christmas.
07:25Oh, yeah.
07:26In Limerick, the best answer was a set of tyres.
07:30And I know there's a silence in the room,
07:31because there's men in there going,
07:32that's actually not a bad person.
07:34I don't know how expensive...
07:35Dionne, what do you think is the worst gift you were...
07:38your partner has ever bought you?
07:41A copy of the gobshite skate book.
07:42LAUGHTER
07:43I'd say my kids, because that is a present
07:47I also have to pay for.
07:49LAUGHTER
07:50I wouldn't mind getting a framed copy of my mother-in-law,
07:54as long as it was on a little card form from Warren Point.
07:57LAUGHTER
07:58APPLAUSE
08:00LAUGHTER
08:01APPLAUSE
08:02Neil, you're in here.
08:07LAUGHTER
08:07LAUGHTER
08:08LAUGHTER
08:09APPLAUSE
08:11APPLAUSE
08:12Colin, Colin, I'm on page four.
08:16You're all of chapter five.
08:18LAUGHTER
08:19APPLAUSE
08:20APPLAUSE
08:21You know, when the inflatables are let down,
08:26they're hilarious.
08:28Like, if you see those, like, when they're deflated,
08:29it looks like Santa's been on the pints
08:31and just landed face down in a snowman's arch.
08:33LAUGHTER
08:34But they're weird.
08:36I take my kids out a walk in the evening before bedtime,
08:38we go look at everyone's Christmas decorations,
08:40and the other day, there was ones that had been deflated.
08:43Well, as the Santa went down, it obviously, like, got hooked to the fence.
08:46LAUGHTER
08:47So it was just sort of there, like, a creepy, like,
08:49Santa's always watching.
08:50LAUGHTER
08:51And they...
08:52It just looked so withered.
08:53My kids were like, is Santa on Ozempic?
08:55Like, he's...
08:56LAUGHTER
08:57But, like, people, that's what people are buying now for Christmas.
09:00People are buying people Ozempic-shaped Christmas decorations...
09:03Christmas decorations in the tree.
09:04..for their tree.
09:05And I think that's brilliant.
09:06I think that's, like, a deterrent,
09:07cos where do you keep your quality street tan?
09:09Under the tree.
09:10You go to get your quality street tan
09:11and the wee Ozempic needle bubbles looking at you, like,
09:13don't you dare, you chunky, who are you?
09:15LAUGHTER
09:16But it's not...
09:17It's...
09:18It's...
09:18It's horrific.
09:19It's just, like, all the stuff from your cupboard is on the tree.
09:22It's just because there's, uh...
09:24Yeah, it's like you're sitting there going,
09:25where's the brown sauce on the tree, love?
09:26LAUGHTER
09:27The Ozempic one is...
09:29So the idea is that lots of people are buying gifts for other...
09:33baubles for other people.
09:35And they're turning up to dinner parties
09:36and it's about showing you know your host going,
09:38oh, you are on a little bit of a Ozempic like me,
09:40here's a little Ozempic syringe,
09:42or we both do a little bit of Botox,
09:43here's your Botox syringe.
09:45It's all the lighter side of medicine.
09:46Like, there's nobody going,
09:47oh, yeah, I know you've hepatitis.
09:49Here we go.
09:51Here's your hepatitis syringe.
09:52Yeah, that, that, it's already been used.
09:54What do you do, Ozempic advent calendars,
09:57and just behind every window, there's nothing.
10:01LAUGHTER
10:01You know, you know all these, uh, baubles at night,
10:05there's lots of food baubles as well.
10:07Loads of them.
10:07There's drug baubles, food baubles,
10:09there's celebrity baubles,
10:10there's corporate baubles, like, you can buy.
10:12Oh, yeah, logos?
10:13Yeah, loads of those.
10:14There's, uh, there's, like, the Ulster Bank baubble.
10:16I've got that for my tree.
10:18All right.
10:18Yeah, you put it on your tree,
10:19and it's the same as a normal baubble,
10:21but every time you come back to the tree,
10:22there's just fewer and fewer branches.
10:25LAUGHTER
10:25APPLAUSE
10:27Our next question tonight is asked by Francis from Derry.
10:36Hi, Francis.
10:37Hi, Tim.
10:39Who's to blame for Ireland's ranking?
10:41Thank you very much, Francis.
10:42Who do you blame for Ireland's ranking?
10:44Yes, the Global Peace Index has ranked Ireland
10:47as the second most peaceful country in the world.
10:51Republican dissidents are said to be gutted.
10:54LAUGHTER
10:54Ireland also has a very low number of prisoners in jail,
10:58mainly because the Kinhans all live in Dubai.
11:01LAUGHTER
11:01And this week, Ireland, along with four other countries,
11:04announced it was boycotting Eurovision
11:05in protest at the participation of Israel.
11:08Ireland said it had two choices.
11:10It was either boycott the entire competition
11:12or send Jedward again,
11:13but they didn't want to escalate their protest that much.
11:16LAUGHTER
11:16Meanwhile, Donald Trump launched a scathing attack on Europe,
11:21European leaders and European policies.
11:24There's a man who clearly hasn't got over the result
11:25of the Ryder Cup.
11:27LAUGHTER
11:28Trump criticised the lack of free speech in Europe,
11:31whilst at the very same time,
11:32his administration announced plans to require
11:34all foreign tourists to provide five years
11:37of social media history.
11:39This is a grotesque attack on civil liberties,
11:41the right to privacy and freedom of speech.
11:43On the plus side,
11:44it means I won't have to bring my kids
11:46to Disneyland ever again.
11:48LAUGHTER
11:48But who can we blame for Ireland's ranking?
11:52It's bad news for the gay community this week,
11:53because Ireland is not going to go to the Eurovision
11:56and RT isn't going to show the Eurovision,
11:58and then the Pride game in the World Cup,
12:00which they didn't know this was going to be a game
12:02in the World Cup for Pride,
12:03now it turns out the draw has made it between Egypt and Iran,
12:07both countries, that you're not allowed be gay-in.
12:09So, that is bad news for the gay community.
12:12Wait till they find out that Ash's Bakery
12:14is doing the catering.
12:14LAUGHTER
12:15So, we've also found that...
12:20By the way, Ireland has never really forgiven Israel
12:22for having an act called Dana International,
12:25suggesting that our Dana is merely a domestic Dana.
12:28She's not international.
12:29Whereas that woman could do everything,
12:31all kinds of everything that woman could do.
12:34LAUGHTER
12:34So...
12:35APPLAUSE
12:36We found out who's going to play who, right?
12:42So, Ireland, the Republic of Ireland is getting Mexico,
12:44as Jamie Bryson would describe it as Mexicans playing Mexicans.
12:49And Northern Ireland will get to...
12:51So, if Northern Ireland qualifies,
12:52Northern Ireland will play Qatar, right?
12:54So, you've heard of that small place
12:57pitched for a massive football tournament.
13:00People were worried that the stadiums won't be built in time
13:03and they are playing Qatar.
13:07LAUGHTER
13:07Ireland is getting Mexico.
13:10The Republic of Ireland is getting Mexico, if we get to it.
13:12Erm...
13:13We're going to play Mexico.
13:14In Mexico.
13:15In June.
13:16Yes.
13:17We're going to get sunburnt to jizz.
13:19This is what we're going to do.
13:21And my plan was to go...
13:22I was going to go to Mexico for the matches
13:24and then I went, OK, I'm going to book up...
13:26I'm going to look up, like...
13:27I'm trying to book a trip of a lifetime.
13:29I'm going to go to St Lucia.
13:30I've always wanted to go to St Lucia.
13:31Looked up St Lucia.
13:33I'm not going to St Lucia for two reasons.
13:35One, it's very expensive.
13:36Two, the airport code is UVF.
13:39Erm...
13:40Yeah.
13:41Yeah.
13:42I don't want a boarding pass that says Dublin to UVF.
13:44I don't want that.
13:47Imagine checking your suitcase in in Dublin Airport.
13:50So, for the moment,
13:51there will be unattended baggage in Dublin Airport
13:53with just UVF written on the side of it.
13:56There's a UVF airport.
13:58Do you know when they oversell a flight
14:00and they go, listen,
14:00we need somebody to say that they won't go on the next flight?
14:02Do you think in the UVF airport they go,
14:04we're just looking for volunteers?
14:07LAUGHTER
14:07APPLAUSE
14:08So, Ireland aren't doing the Eurovision.
14:16Do you know who else isn't doing the Eurovision?
14:17You're also boycotting it.
14:18African countries.
14:19LAUGHTER
14:20Spain.
14:22Spain's not, also, and it doesn't surprise me one bit
14:24that Ireland and Spain are united in their morals,
14:27because Irish people are very like the Spaniards, you know,
14:29like, they have sangria,
14:31which is just, like, wine with fruit in it.
14:33Sometimes it's like a lemon in our buckfast.
14:35LAUGHTER
14:35And also, they have those, like, do you know,
14:38those, like, Spanish high-intensity,
14:40like, they're called telenobellas, like, the dramas,
14:42like, we have, we love a high-intensity drama here as well.
14:45Like, do you know what the Spanish ones I'm talking about,
14:47where they're just all, like,
14:48No, Raquel Ronaldo is mi amor.
14:50Like, slapping sessions, like,
14:53Dole está el baño.
14:54Like, they're just going for...
14:56There's one, there's a very famous Spanish sitcom
15:00called Aquà no hay quien va-viva,
15:04and that means nobody could live here,
15:06which is basically the plot of Give My Headpiece.
15:07LAUGHTER
15:08LAUGHTER
15:09APPLAUSE
15:11LAUGHTER
15:12LAUGHTER
15:13We've got to gloss over the fact that Russia said that
15:19there's a town in Tyrone that is on the list
15:22of 23 places that it's going to...
15:24He was, like, the guy who's a deputy...
15:28Was it deputy foreign minister or deputy prime minister of Russia?
15:30Five mile town.
15:31This is a list of 23 places.
15:33London and Glasgow shipyards and...
15:36Five mile town.
15:38LAUGHTER
15:39At least he said it properly.
15:41Five mile town was in the news once, during the 80s.
15:43There was some sort of incident in Five Mile Town,
15:46and the... I will never forget this long as I live,
15:47and I think it was Maura Stewart was reporting this
15:51on the news of the evening, on the telly,
15:53and she said, and there was an incident this evening
15:55in Phoebe Milton.
15:57LAUGHTER
15:57LAUGHTER
15:58Phoebe...
16:00Phoebe...
16:01Phoebe Milton.
16:01But the people of...
16:02The people of Phoebe Milton are cacking themselves!
16:06Because the Russians are there with a big map.
16:08Do you know the way that makes...
16:09You know when you see...
16:09Barabest does the weather sometimes, and you...
16:11Or Frank Mitchell would do the weather,
16:13and it wouldn't be Belfast and Derry and Strabane,
16:15and it would just be a Hochul, and there would be tiny places.
16:18I'll tell you why, do you know why?
16:19I do know why.
16:21I'll come back to that in a second.
16:22LAUGHTER
16:23LAUGHTER
16:23They're all witness protection programme houses.
16:26LAUGHTER
16:27No, but the idea that the Russians are there going with a big map,
16:31and it's all, OK, five mile town...
16:33And the five mile...
16:34In the bunker in Five Mile Town,
16:36if that cannot withstand the blast,
16:38we go for Strabane next.
16:41Like, it's...
16:42Apparently there's a factory there that makes...
16:44Yep.
16:45...uniforms.
16:46Oh.
16:46That's all.
16:47School?
16:48No, yeah.
16:49LAUGHTER
16:50I did not like Britney Spears' video.
16:53LAUGHTER
16:54No people should be dressing up as girls in school uniform anymore.
16:56I reckon...
16:57I reckon that Five Mile Town's on the...
17:00For the same reason that BBC Weather has weird places on the...
17:03Right.
17:03Because when they were doing their map, they went,
17:06Yes, we shall have there, and we shall bomb here.
17:08Oh, OK, no, we can't do that.
17:10That's a Catholic town, and that's a Catholic town.
17:11We need a Protestant town.
17:13Five Mile Town, that's what you did.
17:15That's what they do.
17:15Oh, is that right?
17:16See, that's what they do on the BBC.
17:17Yeah, you never noticed that.
17:18It's always going to rain and learn, and then they'll go,
17:20Oh, shite, no, what's it doing in Yuri?
17:22You know, it's just...
17:23LAUGHTER
17:23Surely they, like, they would attack learn,
17:27because it's a seaport.
17:28We will attack learn, yes.
17:30But how would anybody know it had been attacked?
17:32LAUGHTER
17:33Thank you, thank you very much for that.
17:42Yes, indeed.
17:43FIFA, the governing body for world football,
17:45gave Donald Trump a peace prize,
17:47if ever a decision needed to go to VAR.
17:51LAUGHTER
17:51The decision to give Trump the completely made-up award
17:53has actually been referred to FIFA's ethics committee.
17:57FIFA has an ethics committee.
18:00Who knew?
18:01So, what is our next question tonight?
18:03Our next question tonight is asked by Keira from Dunmurray.
18:06Keira, what's your question?
18:07Hi.
18:08Hi.
18:08Who is to blame for wonky water?
18:11Yes, it turns out that many of our waterways
18:13have large traces of cocaine.
18:16It's shocking, but at least now we know
18:18why all those arseholes who go wild water swimming
18:21find it so invigorating.
18:23LAUGHTER
18:24Apparently the drug was found in 91% of samples
18:35taken from various lakes and rivers.
18:37On the other hand, this could be just fake news
18:40and they're trying to clean up the water in Loch Ness
18:42by getting coke heads to drink it.
18:44LAUGHTER
18:45There is actually a serious issue here
18:48in that the amount of drugs in our water
18:49is affecting marine life.
18:51In some of our rivers, the fish are now so full of drugs
18:54they could get parts in the next kneecap film.
18:57LAUGHTER
18:57But who can we blame for wonky water?
19:01Yes, so 91% of the samples from 140 river samples...
19:0791% of them...
19:08..had cocaine and ketamine.
19:12Yeah, ketamine.
19:13Ketamine and cocaine and antidepressants.
19:17So there was Prozac and cocaine.
19:19So basically there's uppers and downers, right?
19:20Which is a kind of weird combination to be taken,
19:22do you think, do you know what I mean?
19:23And then you think about it, oh, well, it suits the fish.
19:27LAUGHTER
19:27Because trout can have up to 1,000 offspring in a season.
19:33That would do your head in.
19:34You need to be organised, but at the same time, calm.
19:37Do you know what I mean?
19:37And remember the name...
19:38The Christmas list must be awful.
19:39It's unbelievable.
19:41It's very, very difficult to be a fish these days here.
19:44It's even worse than England.
19:46Apparently all of the shrimp in the rivers of England
19:50are off their ditties.
19:52They...
19:53Seriously, the Coke situation over there is,
19:56and every single shrimp, they're not even using sniffer dogs anymore,
19:59they're using, you know, just opening a pack of scabby fries
20:02and waving them around and they can find the cocaine
20:06and it's very bad for the crustaceans
20:08because usually the shrimp would hide in the shadows
20:11in the riverbank, but because they're all...
20:14They're a bit more...
20:15You see the light and they move towards the light.
20:20You know, they're going, oh, look at that, it's a lie.
20:21Oh, clasps on the banks.
20:23And then the predators go, phoo, and eat them.
20:25So it's not good for the shrimps
20:27and then the birds are getting stoned.
20:29So the prawns of England, this was the headline in the story I read,
20:33the prawns of England.
20:34What's your name?
20:34Prawns Andrew.
20:40The prawns of England and...
20:42There's another brilliant name.
20:43And the eels of London in particular.
20:45Genuinely, the eels of London,
20:47the eels of London are completely coked up
20:49and hyperactive.
20:52Either hyperactive.
20:54Hyperactive, they're just doing the conga all day.
20:56And they're just hyperactive, right?
20:58And...
20:59Are you all stiff?
21:00Use me as a glow stick, Gerry.
21:04It does bring...
21:05It does make that...
21:06I love that programme,
21:07the Mortimer and White House gone fishing.
21:10Mortimer, yes.
21:10It's brilliant.
21:11It's proper slow TV.
21:13It's really, really relaxing.
21:15But I now look at this programme
21:16in a completely different light
21:18after reading this story
21:19because, hey, it's not relaxing for the fish.
21:22Those fish are off their heads.
21:24And the next thing, they're out of the water
21:25and they're going,
21:26Oh, what the hell's this?
21:27What the hell's this?
21:27And they're looking up,
21:28That's your mum not shooting stars.
21:30And then they're back in the water,
21:31all they hear is,
21:32And away.
21:33And they have to go back.
21:34I think they're coked up in the escalon.
21:35You never guessed where I was.
21:35You never guessed where I was.
21:36You never guessed where I was.
21:37They're out there.
21:37Mum from shooting stars.
21:38Take me out of the water.
21:39You're off your head, Gerry.
21:40Stop taking the drugs.
21:43It's...
21:43My bet, though, locally,
21:51for the most well-stocked with drugs,
21:58rivers, I think,
21:59would be in Southeast Antrim.
22:01Right.
22:01Oh, yes.
22:02Yes, you might know why.
22:04UDA.
22:05And I think Monkstown and White Abbey
22:09gone fishing would be a very different show.
22:11It would be just...
22:12A load of lads in rangers' tops
22:14standing in the middle of a river going,
22:15Big face, little face, big face,
22:16little face, big face, big face,
22:16big face, big face, big face,
22:17big face, big face, big face,
22:17big face, big face,
22:17big face, big face,
22:18big face, big face,
22:18big face, and away.
22:19Uh...
22:19Uh...
22:20Drugs aren't the biggest threat
22:21to the environment.
22:21It's actually caffeine,
22:22which is also in the rivers,
22:24obviously,
22:24because it's coming out of us.
22:26And, uh...
22:26So there's caffeine in the river,
22:27and it makes the fish jittery,
22:29apparently,
22:29and hungrier,
22:30and more prone to talking shite
22:32about the cough.
22:33It's all very, very weird.
22:35In England, they've got...
22:36They could sort it out.
22:37In Birmingham,
22:37they've got horses back on the beat.
22:39Yeah, horses are back on...
22:40Yeah.
22:40First time in 26 years.
22:41First time in 26 years.
22:42They said they were back on patrol last week.
22:44I don't know how to get them in the car.
22:46But, you know...
22:47Horses are going,
22:48I can't even drive.
22:49I don't even have stums.
22:51You know, it's...
22:52I don't like it.
22:53I don't like it.
22:53You don't like what?
22:54You don't like horses?
22:54Horses.
22:55I don't like horses, full stop.
22:56I don't think these horses
22:57have been vetted, number one.
22:58Why?
22:59Come on, guys.
22:59Give me something.
23:01I just think it's very clear
23:03that horses don't like us, right?
23:05Yeah.
23:05It's, you know,
23:06we're breaking their spirit.
23:07They're like,
23:08but horses love.
23:09You know,
23:09they've been transporting man
23:11for decades, millennia.
23:12It's like, against their will.
23:14Yeah.
23:14They hate us.
23:15We're nailing shoes to their feet.
23:17Mm-hmm.
23:17How is this,
23:18our relationship with this animal,
23:19so wonderful when you're told,
23:21do not walk behind that animal.
23:23It will try and take your head off.
23:24Yeah.
23:24Right.
23:25That's our arrangement
23:26with these horses.
23:26Now, I obviously grew up with horses.
23:28It sounds like I lived with them.
23:30Mm-hmm.
23:30But my father was a horse trainer,
23:32and, I mean,
23:33it was devastating
23:34to go and take a horse
23:36to a horse swimming pool
23:38when we didn't have
23:40a swimming pool for us.
23:42Okay.
23:43I think,
23:44now that that's been published,
23:45that's going to do
23:45a lot of dealers out of business.
23:47You know,
23:48at the end of a night out,
23:48people are just going to go
23:49and get a big gulp of Loch Nair
23:51and that'll sort them out.
23:52It's a wee bit unfair,
23:54but it's obviously,
23:55this is,
23:55you get sepsis as well
23:56as getting off your bag,
23:58which is obviously
23:58a great night out.
23:59And if you take too much,
24:00you won't be white-ing,
24:00you'll be green-ing.
24:02But, you know,
24:03obviously,
24:05like,
24:05this is happening
24:06in rural areas.
24:06Like,
24:07it's not just,
24:07this drug thing now,
24:08it's not being dished out
24:09just in the big smoke
24:10and the study boys.
24:11It's like,
24:12that's in culturey rural areas.
24:14I don't think I'd be able
24:15to tell
24:16if a culturey
24:16was off their bag.
24:18Do you know what I mean?
24:19Because they're all just a wee bit,
24:19like,
24:19out there all the time.
24:20I don't know.
24:23Whereas you can tell
24:24if, like,
24:24a city chav
24:25is on drugs
24:26because they're all just a wee bit,
24:28like,
24:28Jesus,
24:28I love your McDonald's
24:30as no cheese.
24:32You can tell.
24:33Can I,
24:33can I ask,
24:34are you only meeting
24:35cultures at an auction?
24:40That's what it sounded like.
24:42This is the thing,
24:43right?
24:44People say jockeys
24:44are really tough,
24:45right?
24:45Really, really tough.
24:46And it's a really tough man's game,
24:48a tough woman's game,
24:49right?
24:49But cyclists are tougher.
24:51Not that.
24:51I think so.
24:52I've watched
24:52Tour de France,
24:53cyclists are tougher.
24:54And I'll tell you how I know,
24:54because the horse
24:55does all the work
24:56in a race,
24:57right?
24:57Do you ever watch a race
24:58and the jockey falls off,
25:00sometimes the horse
25:01keeps running
25:02and wins the race?
25:03Yeah.
25:04Never
25:04in the Tour de France
25:05does a fella
25:09fall off the bicycle
25:10and the bicycle
25:11goes on
25:12to win
25:14that stage.
25:15And another thing
25:16that doesn't happen
25:16in the Tour de France,
25:17someone doesn't come over
25:18and shoot his bicycle.
25:22You break a wheel,
25:23I don't know.
25:23If I was in the police,
25:30the mounted unit here,
25:31I'd ride a Shetland pony
25:32because you'd never know
25:33how far away I was.
25:37You'd be running at somebody
25:38and they'd think
25:39they'd have ages.
25:39I'd be there!
25:41And also,
25:42when you're on a wee tiny horse,
25:43you would be the same height
25:44as everyone else.
25:44Nobody would know.
25:45You'd just be moving
25:47a wee bit weird.
25:48And boys would be going,
25:50what's he doing there?
25:58Yes, yes, indeed.
25:59There are mounted police
26:00on patrol in England.
26:02They tried to bring mounted police
26:03to Northern Ireland,
26:04but unfortunately,
26:04the horses kept panicking.
26:06They simply couldn't cope
26:06with the number of people
26:07sidling up to them
26:09and whispering,
26:10remember Shergar?
26:13And indeed,
26:14this week,
26:15Gerry Adams wrote
26:15an open letter
26:16to my unionist neighbours.
26:18Obviously,
26:19this programme is on the BBC
26:20and we wouldn't want
26:21to libel Gerry,
26:22but if he has any
26:23unionist neighbours,
26:23I'd be very feckin' surprised.
26:27And so would they be.
26:35Thank you very much for that.
26:36Just time for a quickfire round.
26:37I will read you
26:38various newspaper headlines
26:39and I want you to be faster
26:40than Scottish football fans
26:42desperately deleting
26:43their anti-Trump tweets.
26:45Wild beavers spotted in town.
26:49Those were just short skirts.
26:55Man guilty of selling
26:57fake Viagra.
26:58Avoids stiff sentence.
27:04Black swan in London.
27:06Nigel Farage promises
27:08to send it home.
27:08Zoo expects rhino pair
27:13to breed.
27:14Because they're so horny.
27:18Who built the pyramids?
27:20And would they like
27:21the contract for Casement Park?
27:25Wave kills four people.
27:28Suspect has massive hands.
27:29Dasher, Dancer and Prancer
27:42may be killed.
27:43Casper Living Crisis
27:44finally hits Santa.
27:47When should you go to hospital
27:49for childbirth?
27:50I would say when you're pregnant.
27:51And finally,
27:58it's the brand new sperm donor
28:00coming up the drive.
28:10That's it, ladies and gentlemen.
28:11That's the end of the show.
28:12Please show your appreciation
28:13to our panel.
28:14Colin Murphy,
28:15Jarlath Regan,
28:16Dionne Doherty
28:16and Neil Delamere!
28:17CHEERING
28:18And I'm Tim McGarry.
28:27Until the next time,
28:28don't blame yourselves,
28:29blame each other.
28:29Goodbye.
28:30APPLAUSE
28:31I'm Tim McGarry.
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