Hercules Returns (1993) Full Movie | Comedy Fantasy
The movie follows the story of Hercules, a demigod and hero of ancient Greece, who returns to the underworld to rescue his best friend, Theseus. Hercules must navigate the underworld and face various obstacles to save his friend and restore balance to the mortal world.
Cast: David Bradshaw as Hercules
Peter Rowsthorn as Perseus
Michael Carman as King Minos
Bruce Spence as Hades
Mary Coustas as Hippolyta
#HerculesReturns, #AustralianComedy, #MythologicalParody, #DavidBradshaw, #PeterRowsthorn, #movies, #film, #movie, #cinema, #films, #hollywood, #actor, #s, #love, #art, #cinematography, #netflix, #horror, #actress, #moviescenes, #music, #filmmaking, #cinephile, #tv, #horrormovies, #bollywood, #comedy, #movienight, #photography, #cine, #instagood, #instagram, #director, #moviereview, #drama, #AdultMovies, #RomanceMovies, #SexMovies, #XXX, #XX,
The movie follows the story of Hercules, a demigod and hero of ancient Greece, who returns to the underworld to rescue his best friend, Theseus. Hercules must navigate the underworld and face various obstacles to save his friend and restore balance to the mortal world.
Cast: David Bradshaw as Hercules
Peter Rowsthorn as Perseus
Michael Carman as King Minos
Bruce Spence as Hades
Mary Coustas as Hippolyta
#HerculesReturns, #AustralianComedy, #MythologicalParody, #DavidBradshaw, #PeterRowsthorn, #movies, #film, #movie, #cinema, #films, #hollywood, #actor, #s, #love, #art, #cinematography, #netflix, #horror, #actress, #moviescenes, #music, #filmmaking, #cinephile, #tv, #horrormovies, #bollywood, #comedy, #movienight, #photography, #cine, #instagood, #instagram, #director, #moviereview, #drama, #AdultMovies, #RomanceMovies, #SexMovies, #XXX, #XX,
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00The End
00:00:30So that's it gentlemen and ladies, once again we've acquired the best films and we'll show them in the best theatres.
00:00:38This will be a great summer for Kent Cinemas, the increased ticket prices, the 25% hiking concessions, we're looking at a twofold profit link.
00:00:47I have devoted my life to making the Kent Cinema Corporation the most powerful chain in the country.
00:00:54You could say that I've spent a lifetime pulling this chain together.
00:01:00.
00:01:13.
00:01:18.
00:01:24.
00:01:58I haven't seen it? Man, I don't believe it. What about Kirk Douglas and the Birdman of Alcatraz? There's a brilliant example of American film.
00:02:18It's Burt Lancaster. Excuse me? It was Burt Lancaster and the Birdman from Alcatraz, not Kirk Douglas.
00:02:27I was just some wanker. Now, what was I saying?
00:02:57The Kent 30. Culmination of years of planning. Fully automatic candy counters, ticket dispensers. The only staff needed are a couple of usherettes and one projectionist. Stuff the unions. They're not going to stop us on this one.
00:03:18We've moved the seats closer together to fit more people in. It'll be a bit tight, but that show is.
00:03:26And if you could eliminate the public, you'd have the perfect cinema complex.
00:03:30There'll be a cocktail bar. Four wrestlers.
00:03:33There'll be a cocktail bar. Four wrestlers.
00:03:51I'm not sure if I can do it, but I'm not sure if I can do it.
00:04:21Sir, McBain, a new strategy for summer?
00:04:45Ah, you could say that, sir.
00:04:51Is this some kind of joke?
00:04:54No, sir.
00:04:56What do you mean you quit?
00:04:57You're a valuable member of the team.
00:05:00I pay you well, don't I?
00:05:02It's just that I'm not happy here, sir.
00:05:05Not happy?
00:05:08Bullshit!
00:05:10We're all happy.
00:05:11You're happy, aren't you, Rappaport?
00:05:14You're working for the biggest distribution company in the country, McBain.
00:05:17What could you possibly do somewhere else?
00:05:18Ah, this is fascinating, sir.
00:05:21I'm going to open my own theatre.
00:05:23What?
00:05:24I'm going to reopen the old teacher palace.
00:05:27We've got an eight-screen multiplex just around the corner, McBain.
00:05:30Oh, yes, but...
00:05:30I don't like competition.
00:05:33I squash it.
00:05:35You're going to fail, son.
00:05:36Not because you haven't got what it takes, but because I'll personally see that you fail.
00:05:40Now, get out!
00:05:41I've never liked you, McBain.
00:05:44You're a maverick.
00:05:46You're an idealist.
00:05:48And you're fired!
00:05:49But I resign.
00:05:51I am the biggest and the best, and I intend to stay that way.
00:05:57Any chance for reference?
00:05:59Out!
00:05:59Excuse me, mate.
00:06:09Do you know a guy named Scroppett?
00:06:11No, but I know a man called Horse and a boy named Sue.
00:06:14Yeah, good on you.
00:06:15Look, he's a tall guy.
00:06:17Um, wears glasses.
00:06:18He can be a bit temperamental.
00:06:19You're not listening to me!
00:06:22Thank you, mate.
00:06:23Now, I'll ask you just one more time.
00:06:27Do you agree that Martin Scorsese injects some autobiographical content into the majority of his films?
00:06:36God!
00:06:37You're a class act, Sprocket.
00:06:38Yeah, I can.
00:06:39Oh, Brad McBain, you old buck!
00:06:45Two more beers, thanks, Nev.
00:06:47How are you?
00:06:48Oh, not bad.
00:06:50Still peddling mainstream muck to the masses, huh?
00:06:53Yeah.
00:06:54Are you still head projectionist at the Thrust and Grunt Emporium?
00:06:58If you mean, am I showing tasteful erotic heart to a select adult clientele, the answer is yes.
00:07:05A select adult clientele?
00:07:06They buy their raincoats at a candy bar.
00:07:09I didn't have any bloody choice in the matter, you know that.
00:07:12Kent controls this town.
00:07:14If you disagree with him, you're out.
00:07:17I quit this morning.
00:07:20You're joking?
00:07:21No, I resigned for neither.
00:07:23Well, what are you going to do now?
00:07:24Oh, Jesus.
00:07:33The old picture palace, eh?
00:07:37This place has been dark for years.
00:07:39Not anymore, mate.
00:07:40You're looking at the new manager.
00:07:41You?
00:07:42You couldn't organise a fart at a curry eating contest.
00:07:46Oh, thanks for your support, my optimistic old mate.
00:07:51Come on.
00:07:52Imagine what this place could be like when we fix it up.
00:07:55So I suppose this is where you try and lure me away from my prestigious position to come
00:08:03and work for you.
00:08:04Correct.
00:08:06Well, have to be a lucrative offer.
00:08:09All right, I'll pay you shit wages and you can live in the theatre.
00:08:14Done.
00:08:15You drive a hard bargain.
00:08:19I'm great little upstart.
00:08:22Say yes, sir.
00:08:23Yes, sir.
00:08:24Listen, King, I want you to...
00:08:26Yes, sir?
00:08:26I'll wait till I've finished.
00:08:28Yes, sir.
00:08:30I want you to find out all about McBain for me.
00:08:33What films he's programming?
00:08:36Talk to his distributors.
00:08:37That sort of thing.
00:08:40Thinks he can go into competition with me, does he?
00:08:44Well, we'll see about that.
00:08:48Now, sir?
00:08:50Yeah, now.
00:08:51Yes, sir.
00:08:53Well, get out.
00:08:54Yes, sir.
00:09:00Miss Mackenzie, I find myself in a particularly foul mood.
00:09:03Send somebody in, I can fire.
00:09:04Yes, sir.
00:09:07Well, this is about the last of it.
00:09:15So, how do you like the accommodations?
00:09:17Well, there's no ventilation.
00:09:19It's cramped.
00:09:19It's dark.
00:09:20I love it.
00:09:22Ah, Sprocket.
00:09:23It's about your wages.
00:09:24The position isn't permanent.
00:09:25But once the place is up and running...
00:09:27And sewing some profit, you'll skim most of it off the top and still pay me shit wages?
00:09:31If you insist.
00:09:35Be still, my raging hormones.
00:09:37Who is this?
00:09:38If there's a God in heaven, she's come about the job as the publicist.
00:09:41Oh, she's tired.
00:09:50Oh, she's tired.
00:09:50Sorry to trouble you, but, uh, haven't we met?
00:10:09I don't think so.
00:10:13Shit.
00:10:14Oh, I'm sure I'd remember those, too.
00:10:16Watch out.
00:10:17Here comes my husband.
00:10:23Classy joint.
00:10:25I thought you were going to punch him for a minute.
00:10:28Cheers to a long and happy relationship at the Picture Palace.
00:10:32Oh, can I ask you a question?
00:10:36Yeah, sure.
00:10:37You sure you know what you're doing?
00:10:39No.
00:10:41But I'm going to run the old Picture Palace like the old days, you know?
00:10:44Usherette selling ice creams in the aisles.
00:10:47Cartoons.
00:10:47Maybe even get the old organ going.
00:10:50Make it an event again.
00:10:51Well, it sounds great.
00:10:52Opening night.
00:10:54Have you got any ideas?
00:10:57Well, I was looking at the old posters outside the theatre.
00:11:00Why don't we open up with the last film that was on at the Picture Palace?
00:11:04It's a great gimmick, and it certainly shows people that you're willing to stick to the old ways.
00:11:09That's great.
00:11:10That's really great.
00:11:12I wonder what the last film was.
00:11:30This is fantastic.
00:11:44Congratulations.
00:11:45What a great turn.
00:11:46Bit nervous.
00:11:46Have we got enough champagne?
00:11:48Brad, relax.
00:11:49Everything's organised.
00:11:50Sure, you're sure?
00:11:51Good luck, Lisa.
00:11:51Good luck, Brad.
00:11:52Why is everybody smiling at you?
00:11:54I've got something on the teeth.
00:11:54Oh, look, enjoy yourself.
00:11:56This is your night.
00:11:58Lady Farquhar.
00:11:59Say hello to Lady Farquhar.
00:12:01Pat!
00:12:03Pat!
00:12:04Child.
00:12:06Excuse me, please.
00:12:09Brad, I've got a problem.
00:12:11What?
00:12:12Good luck.
00:12:13It's in Italian.
00:12:15What?
00:12:16The film, it's in Italian.
00:12:18It's in Italian!
00:12:19What are we going to do?
00:12:25We've got to show them something.
00:12:26Yeah, well, we can't press phone it.
00:12:27I've got a few slides.
00:12:28I've got a documentary on tulips.
00:12:30That'd be great.
00:12:32It's that bastard.
00:12:35Kent.
00:12:36He's behind this for sure.
00:12:40Brad, what are we going to do?
00:12:42We'll dub it.
00:12:43What?
00:12:44We'll dub it.
00:12:44We'll do the voices.
00:12:46Come on.
00:12:47Come on.
00:12:48Dub it.
00:12:49I'm looking forward to this.
00:13:14Me too.
00:13:14I love movies with musclemen in them.
00:13:16I love movies with musclemen in them.
00:13:20Damn, I showed fucking the prick.
00:13:23Who the hell is this for?
00:13:25Uh, Thunder.
00:13:26What?
00:13:26How are we going to dub it when we haven't even seen?
00:13:29Don't ask me.
00:13:30That bloody cat.
00:13:32He must have swapped to print the bastard.
00:13:34Print it.
00:13:35If you check the print, we're not going to show Hercules, aren't we?
00:13:37Come on, guys, guys.
00:13:39We've got a show to do.
00:13:40Of course I checked it.
00:13:41I saw it myself.
00:13:41Okay, please.
00:13:42Can you do all the girls' voices?
00:13:44Oh, that's brilliant.
00:13:45I'll do it.
00:13:45Credits are finishing.
00:13:48I'd just like to take this opportunity to think.
00:13:50Pause.
00:13:51Pause.
00:13:51Uh, Zeus, uh, mother of me, uh, we're not doing the Italian version, remember?
00:14:09Now, say it again, this time in English, all right?
00:14:12Oh, uh, good shot.
00:14:14I was aiming for you.
00:14:17Now, Brad, I mean Hercules, I have a very important job for you which requires you to
00:14:22go on a long journey.
00:14:23I am on my way.
00:14:24Oh, great one.
00:14:29I haven't told you where yet, pinhead.
00:14:34Father, I am but mere mortal.
00:14:37I am nothing but the toe jam from between your mighty feet.
00:14:40Am I worthy to fulfill this important task for you?
00:14:46Well, I tried, Schwarzenegger, but I couldn't understand the bug.
00:14:50And look, go to the city of Trimedia.
00:14:52I'll talk to you there.
00:14:53This journey will give me the chance to grow, the chance to learn, and, well, the chance to
00:14:57beat the living snot out of other muscle men.
00:15:00And away!
00:15:02Oh, God, I'm not even going to tell him he's going the wrong way.
00:15:06Well, I met this bloke at the pub the other night, right, and he's an art collector.
00:15:11And you know what he says to me?
00:15:13He says, would I like to go to his place and see his warhol?
00:15:18Well, it was kind of disappointing, because when I got there, he just showed me a painting.
00:15:23What the hell is she on about?
00:15:26Bugity-file, no!
00:15:27Hey, you go to sing Labia!
00:15:31Oh, no!
00:15:32Labia!
00:15:38Oi, Riley!
00:15:40Have you seen Labia?
00:15:42No.
00:15:44Labia!
00:15:45Yeah!
00:15:48Oh, there yous are.
00:15:50You want to go for a swim?
00:15:52That'd be gross!
00:15:53Hey, Labia, you should practice for the wet t-shirt competition they're having at the club tonight.
00:16:16Oh, look, the water is cold.
00:16:18Hey, we should all practice!
00:16:26Come on, girls, vegetation!
00:16:27Come on, girls, vegetation!
00:16:33Labia!
00:16:34I'm a little too far!
00:16:35I'm a little too far!
00:16:37I'm a little funny, I'm a little funny!
00:16:38I'm a little funny!
00:16:40Bitch!
00:16:41Labia!
00:16:41Are you dumb?
00:16:42I'll come back!
00:16:43Be careful!
00:16:44Labia!
00:16:44This looks like a job for Hercules!
00:16:59Don't worry, darling, I'll be there in a second!
00:17:04See?
00:17:05I told you.
00:17:05Ah, there's a good thing.
00:17:06Don't struggle, I'm here to save you!
00:17:08Ha, ha, ha!
00:17:12Hold on, I said don't struggle.
00:17:14Hey, we should do some synchronised swimming!
00:17:16Yes!
00:17:17Yeah!
00:17:17Yeah!
00:17:20Oh, like on these horses!
00:17:26Oh, thank you, it's a feather!
00:17:28Yay!
00:17:29Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten about her.
00:17:31Oh, good on you, Hercules!
00:17:46Her mum would have killed us if she drowned!
00:17:49Yeah, her mum runs a pink panthenon.
00:17:51It's the night spot in Chlamydia!
00:17:54What?
00:17:55Chlamydia?
00:17:56Yeah, Chlamydia!
00:17:57It's just north of here?
00:17:59North, north.
00:18:01Now, which way's north?
00:18:02Chlamydia, your mother runs a nightclub.
00:18:09Tell me, is it far out?
00:18:10No, that's it just in front of you.
00:18:12No, no, I mean, does she play really groovy music?
00:18:14Ah, depends on your taste.
00:18:16Well, you know, the good stuff, like Tony Orlando and Don.
00:18:18Tie a yellow ribbon round the yellow tree.
00:18:22It's been...
00:18:23We have to find a new act!
00:18:27All right, what about that singer from Crete?
00:18:30You know, Kylie Minogus.
00:18:32No, she's only popular with Cretans.
00:18:34Oh, listen, love, I'll find someone.
00:18:37Oh, let me think.
00:18:39Oh, there must be thousands of acts out there.
00:18:41Yeah, what about that exotic dancer?
00:18:44You know, she does that thing with a vacuum cleaner.
00:18:46But she sucks.
00:18:48Yeah, yeah, that's the one.
00:18:49Yeah, yeah.
00:18:50Oh, listen, Muriel, love, I'll find someone to please an audience.
00:18:54God, your average audience these days is bloody stupid anyway.
00:18:57Uh, no offence.
00:18:58We'll be right.
00:18:59What's this?
00:19:03What does that man think he's doing with his hands on my lab here?
00:19:16Don't you just love that music?
00:19:18Look, I know you saved my life, but get your hand off my left tit and put me down.
00:19:22Oh, there's no need to be grateful.
00:19:24I do this sort of thing all the time.
00:19:25I'm always saving virgins.
00:19:27Virgin?
00:19:27Are you serious?
00:19:28I've seen more knobs than a locksmith.
00:19:30Anyway, I suppose I better introduce you to me, ma'am.
00:19:33Oh.
00:19:36Darling, you haven't been hanging around the gymnasium again, have you?
00:19:39Ma'am, who do you reckon's the dumbest man in the world?
00:19:42Hercules, of course.
00:19:43Well, say hello.
00:19:45Oh, Hercules.
00:19:47Um, what brings you here?
00:19:49Well, naturally, my horse did, of course.
00:19:53It's such an honor for me to meet you.
00:19:55Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:19:56Nellie fell.
00:19:57Nellie fell.
00:19:58Nope.
00:19:59There is a very special reason as to why I have come here.
00:20:04Zeus has sent me here.
00:20:06What?
00:20:06Zeus has sent me here for a purpose.
00:20:09What did he say?
00:20:10I said a purpose.
00:20:12Oh, that's like a little dolphin, isn't it?
00:20:14Yes, Ted.
00:20:15And Labbier tells me that you're looking for a new act for your nightclub.
00:20:19Well, look no further.
00:20:20Well, look no further.
00:20:24Tie a yellow ribbon round the old old tree.
00:20:27Well, that's very good, Hercules.
00:20:29Tell me.
00:20:30I was wondering, if you don't have any plans for this evening, maybe you'd consider coming
00:20:37up to my room for a bit of fun.
00:20:38Oh, no, I don't like to plan that sort of thing.
00:20:41I like it to be a surprise.
00:20:43Well, I could sneak up from behind if you like.
00:20:46No, no, no, no, no.
00:20:47There's no time for all that.
00:20:48Besides, who likes old age creeping up on them, eh?
00:20:51Gonna put on your new dress for Hercules, are you?
00:20:57Nah, I'm just freshening meself up.
00:21:00Labbier loves, Hercules. Labbier loves, Hercules.
00:21:04Oh, shut up.
00:21:06Jeez, you lot of immature one.
00:21:09Hey, hey.
00:21:10I wonder if all these muscles are as big, eh?
00:21:12Oh, don't be so disgusting.
00:21:15Get out.
00:21:16Come on.
00:21:17I don't want to talk about him anymore.
00:21:19Oh, yeah, she's stoked, yeah.
00:21:22She wants to read him.
00:21:24She wants to read him.
00:21:26She wants to read him.
00:21:28She wants to read him.
00:21:30You can come out now.
00:21:32Oh.
00:21:34And then I thought I'd finish up my act with a Donner Summer medley.
00:21:37I think I'll wear something tight-fitting, you know, really hugging around the waist.
00:21:40Maybe some flares or something.
00:21:42And we need some dancing girls.
00:21:44Hey, we could call them the Herculettes.
00:21:45Hercules, do you really believe this is the reason why Zeus has sent you here?
00:21:50Oh, well.
00:21:51Here, muscle.
00:21:52I think I know the reason why Zeus sent you here.
00:21:54I re...
00:21:55Hey, hey, I'm still talking to you.
00:21:57You rude bugger.
00:21:59Chad, what did you mean by saying that...
00:22:00Look, what sort of crowd do you think we'd pull if we announced that the great Hercules
00:22:04was going to marry your daughter in a club, eh?
00:22:07Now all we've got to do is convince him that's why he's been sent here.
00:22:10Woo-hoo!
00:22:18Jeez, you're a top kisser.
00:22:22Stretch!
00:22:23Tell us if anyone comes, okay?
00:22:24All right.
00:22:26Testiculae?
00:22:27You and I have got to talk.
00:22:29You know, I'm glad you two told me you were in love.
00:22:31Well, I would have found out anyway.
00:22:32You know us little fellas, we love sticking our nose in other people's business.
00:22:36Ha, ha, ha.
00:22:36Oh, does he have to be around?
00:22:39Doesn't he have a girlfriend or something?
00:22:41I never have sex unless someone puts me up to it.
00:22:44Oh, don't worry about him.
00:22:45The bed's taller than he is anyway.
00:22:47Hey, have you spoken to your dad about us yet?
00:22:50Oh, no way.
00:22:51Dad's still pissed off that your mum's club's doing better than his beer garden.
00:22:55Well, what are we going to do?
00:22:57You still want to marry me, don't you?
00:22:59And, Lucy, of course you don't love me anymore.
00:23:01Oh, of course I still loves you.
00:23:04Aren't I still your big hunky-funky sex machine?
00:23:07Yes, Spicer.
00:23:09No, sorry.
00:23:09I wasn't listening.
00:23:12Yum.
00:23:15I'll tell you what, Ted.
00:23:16This place lays on a really good smorgasbord.
00:23:18You can do with some knives and forks, though.
00:23:20But apart from that, I've got no complaints.
00:23:22Let me tell you, I've eaten in many places.
00:23:24Now, remember one place where I ate once.
00:23:25Where was that?
00:23:26It was a city on the coast.
00:23:27Oh, yeah.
00:23:28Two mania.
00:23:28Excuse me.
00:23:29One.
00:23:30Oh, no, that's fine.
00:23:31You go right ahead.
00:23:32I'll just keep on talking to myself.
00:23:34There was another place where I ate.
00:23:35Oh, yeah.
00:23:35Butchelania.
00:23:36That's right.
00:23:36Oh, yeah, of course.
00:23:42Thank you, dear.
00:23:43What's the word from Labia?
00:23:45She said she'd rather eat her own vomit.
00:23:47Oh, yeah.
00:23:47She's always doing that.
00:23:48But does she want to marry Hercules?
00:23:50She'll do as I say, Ted.
00:23:53Oh, Hercules.
00:23:55Oh, Muriel.
00:23:57What you been doing, huh?
00:23:58Oh, nothing much.
00:23:59Just organizing your wedding.
00:24:01Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:24:02Hold the phone.
00:24:03Who am I marrying?
00:24:04Oh, I forgot to tell you.
00:24:06It's a custom in these parts that if you save a girl from drowning, you must marry her.
00:24:11I'd hate to have a job as a lifesaver in this town.
00:24:13Oh, you don't have to worry.
00:24:15Labia said she could never marry a pinhead.
00:24:19She called me a pinhead?
00:24:21Oh, yes.
00:24:22She also said she admires all those muscles.
00:24:26It's just a pity that the biggest one is between your ears.
00:24:30Oh, that's unfair.
00:24:32There's nothing between my ears.
00:24:34I'll show her the bitch.
00:24:35I'll break her face.
00:24:36I'll snap her head.
00:24:36No, no, no, no.
00:24:37Calm down, Herc.
00:24:38Calm down.
00:24:39Okay.
00:24:40Maybe Zeus did send me here to marry your daughter.
00:24:43But I'd better just check with him first, okay?
00:24:46Oh, fine, fine.
00:24:47Oh, fine.
00:24:48You're okay.
00:24:49Oh, mighty Zeus, speak to me, your humble servant.
00:24:54Oh, you'd better stand.
00:24:56He's pretty formal.
00:24:57Oh, right.
00:24:58Oh, mighty Zeus, command of me what you will.
00:25:07Well?
00:25:08Well?
00:25:10Zeus, give me a break.
00:25:14Come on, there's people down here watching.
00:25:17Oh, Zeus, it's me, Herc.
00:25:22Come on, it was your idea to send me here.
00:25:25Oh, God, how stupid of me, of course.
00:25:28It's Tuesday night, half price of the pictures.
00:25:30Nope, I won't be able to get in contact with him.
00:25:32Well, that does put a whole new perspective on things, doesn't it?
00:25:36I mean, if you can't contact Zeus, how do we know you're a real Herculeys, eh?
00:25:40You could be a pretender, mate, eh?
00:25:42Yeah.
00:25:43Hey, that's another song I could do in my act.
00:25:46The Great Pretender.
00:25:47Yeah, look, I could come out like this, okay?
00:25:49Oh, yes, I'm a great...
00:25:52That's fine, Herculeys, fine.
00:25:54Here, I got it.
00:25:56Why don't you do something for us to prove that you are Herculeys?
00:25:59A little test, so to speak.
00:26:01A test!
00:26:02Yes, a test!
00:26:04Oh, what sort of test?
00:26:06Put him in the river.
00:26:07What?
00:26:08In the river.
00:26:09Oh, yes, that's a good one, then.
00:26:10Yeah, you see, there's this polluted river, and straight up, only Herculeys can swim through
00:26:14that shit.
00:26:15Oh, yes!
00:26:19Okay, Herculeys, this is the filthiest part of the river, right near the sewerage outlet.
00:26:23Oh, I'll make sure to keep my mouth closed.
00:26:25Better tie this rope around you.
00:26:27Well, why?
00:26:28Well, in case you drown, we can tell the difference between you and the other turds.
00:26:32Oh, okay.
00:26:35Jay, what a man!
00:26:39Incredible!
00:26:41Yeah, big whoop.
00:26:43Say what?
00:26:44I think you should marry Herculeys.
00:26:46He's got such a beautiful physique.
00:26:48Mom, with all those muscles, he looks like a condom full of walnuts.
00:26:53Well, don't think you're marrying testicular, you're marrying Herculeys.
00:26:56Oh, get real, Mom.
00:26:58I'm not marrying someone with bigger tits than me.
00:27:01Damn!
00:27:03Can we hurry this along, guys?
00:27:05I can't suck this gut in forever.
00:27:07That's one of the dumbest things I've seen anyone do.
00:27:09Well, thanks.
00:27:10Especially considering all those sharks in those waters, you know.
00:27:14Sharks?
00:27:15Nobody told me anything about sharks in there.
00:27:18Oh, yes, there's hundreds of them.
00:27:19They're only white pointers, your big girl's blouse.
00:27:23Oh, right, so he's proved he's Herculeys,
00:27:25and he wants to marry Labia.
00:27:27How do we get Labia to agree to marry him?
00:27:30God, we should clean these cups more often.
00:27:32Look at all the shit in that.
00:27:34Oh, come on, you Benny Hill Show reject.
00:27:36What are we going to do?
00:27:39Well, I think I'll ask Fanny to help us.
00:27:42Fanny?
00:27:43But she's only the club's cook.
00:27:44Well, I happen to have a little plan that entails you now, Fanny,
00:27:50the queen of the crepes.
00:27:52Okay, that's seafood flying by for table number eight, got it?
00:28:08No way, Muriel.
00:28:09You're going to have to find yourself another girl.
00:28:11Look, Fanny, we only want you to pretend to be a medium.
00:28:14Say that Zeus is talking through you, and then you'll...
00:28:16And then tell everyone that Hercules and Labia must marry.
00:28:19Yeah, I know what you want, but I ain't going to do it.
00:28:21I'm telling you now, Ted, I'm not going to fuck with Hercules.
00:28:24Yeah, well, he'd be the only one.
00:28:26Look, you've got one last chance before we bring out the heavy artillery.
00:28:30Forget it.
00:28:31Well, I didn't want to bring this up.
00:28:33Fanny, do you remember that slight problem you had with the Vice Squad just recently?
00:28:38Well, all the boys are in the audience.
00:28:40Hmm.
00:28:41All of them?
00:28:42Here?
00:28:44And if you're not careful, we'll get them all to stand up.
00:28:47And tell us all what you like doing with hamsters, a wetsuit, and a bath full of custard.
00:28:52Nice.
00:28:58Okay, you can count me in.
00:29:03Fanny is very in tune with the spirit world.
00:29:21I highly recommend her.
00:29:23I suppose she's watching my whole and above-average medium.
00:29:26I just hope she can get through to Zeus for me.
00:29:27Well, if anyone can, Fanny can.
00:29:30She's renowned for the amount of spirits that flow through her.
00:29:33Oh, great.
00:29:34A medium with a bladder problem.
00:29:36Hmm.
00:29:46Soon, Zeus will be with us.
00:29:49Anyone care for a crepe while they wait?
00:29:53Oh, just bean.
00:29:54Oh, crepe!
00:29:54Oh, great.
00:30:02Grab me, dunger.
00:30:10Oh, jeez.
00:30:11That Ribena's looking a bit hot.
00:30:12Shithouse crepes anyway.
00:30:25Right, I'll give you, Zeus.
00:30:28Hercules!
00:30:29Hercules!
00:30:30It's me, Zeus!
00:30:32Your father!
00:30:33Now, I've got something important to tell you.
00:30:35Oh, mighty one.
00:30:37I am a servant that awaits your command.
00:30:40Well, that's very reassuring to know.
00:30:42Now, listen, Hercules.
00:30:43The reason I wanted you to come to this city was not to appear at the Pink Panthenon nightclub,
00:30:49nor was it, as others would have you believe, to marry young Lavier.
00:30:55Oh, no.
00:30:56The real reason I wanted you to come here, Hercules, was to openly reveal to the world your true homosexual tendencies.
00:31:04Homosexual?
00:31:05What?
00:31:06Are you trying to tell me that I'm really a visitor to Vegemite Valley?
00:31:10Oh, come on!
00:31:12Oh, no.
00:31:12Now, listen, Herc.
00:31:15I've found you the perfect partner.
00:31:16His name is Samson.
00:31:19Samson?
00:31:20Is this guy for real or what?
00:31:22Well, it's me!
00:31:23Hey, do you mind?
00:31:24I haven't finished yet.
00:31:25Now, to prove yourself, you must fight, Samson.
00:31:27Now, if you win, you can marry Lavier.
00:31:29But if you lose, you must marry Samson.
00:31:31Thanks a bundle, Zeus.
00:31:33Never heard anything so ridiculous in my life.
00:31:35Me, of all people.
00:31:36My God, whatever he's right.
00:31:37Oh, of course he's not.
00:31:38Oh, look.
00:31:43Hmm.
00:31:46You stupid great pal.
00:31:48What?
00:31:49What did I do?
00:31:50I want him to come out and declare his love, not come out of the closet.
00:31:54Me?
00:31:54I didn't do anything.
00:31:56One minute I was standing behind the statue, right?
00:31:58Next minute I was just floating.
00:32:01My God, it must have been the real Zeus.
00:32:03You mean...
00:32:04The real Zeus?
00:32:06I warned you, didn't I?
00:32:08I told you not to stuff around with this.
00:32:11Hmm.
00:32:12Well, Shakespeare once said,
00:32:14me thinks we balls this one up severely.
00:32:17Christ almighty,
00:32:18what are we going to do about bloody Samson then, eh?
00:32:21God.
00:32:22I suppose we'll have to send Charlie out to find him.
00:32:25Hey, Charlie, come on, boys.
00:32:38All in for a drink.
00:32:39My shout.
00:32:39Come on.
00:32:40What about Samson?
00:32:41Oh, could be his label.
00:32:42Oh, come on, you blokes.
00:32:43We were told to ride like the wind to find Samson.
00:32:45What do you mean, eh?
00:32:46You know, ride like the wind.
00:32:48Ride really fast.
00:32:49It's like this.
00:32:50I'll show you.
00:32:51Wee.
00:32:51No, no, wait a minute.
00:32:52Wait, wait, wait.
00:32:53Hey, get the hell out of here, you.
00:32:57You too.
00:32:59You too, too.
00:33:02Sorry.
00:33:03I nearly forgot you.
00:33:04There we go.
00:33:05Oh, is that it?
00:33:08Oh, come on.
00:33:09There must be someone else.
00:33:10Oh, okay.
00:33:11I love a guy that comes back for more.
00:33:13There you go, pal.
00:33:16Oh, Christ.
00:33:17I've got a great sense of humour, eh?
00:33:19Oh, look at you, pal.
00:33:21You've got a wee bit of dirt on your cheek.
00:33:22Oh, now hold really, really still.
00:33:24I'll help you with it, okay?
00:33:25And...
00:33:26Oh, still there.
00:33:27Oh, still there.
00:33:29Oh, it won't go away, will it?
00:33:31Oh, but...
00:33:32Hey, where are you, woman?
00:33:40Oh, there you are.
00:33:41Oh, I was wondering if everything was to show satisfaction.
00:33:44Could I get you another drink, perhaps?
00:33:46Oh, I'll be fine.
00:33:47Thanks, anyway.
00:33:49I realise this is an inopportune moment,
00:33:52but about the bill.
00:33:53Oh, my God.
00:33:58Bill?
00:33:59Oh, what are you talking about?
00:34:04What do you mean you want me to pay for all of this?
00:34:07Oh, oh, no.
00:34:08Sorry I mentioned it.
00:34:09Forget it.
00:34:09Forget it.
00:34:11I thought you were doing it because you like me.
00:34:15Samson?
00:34:16Good day.
00:34:18Oh, come on, Dad.
00:34:19I'll check with this bloke.
00:34:21Excuse me, mate.
00:34:21That bloke in there, is that Samson?
00:34:24No, no, it's Ursus, mad scuss bastard.
00:34:27He does us every bloody Friday.
00:34:29So it's not Samson?
00:34:30No, no, it's Ursus, I told you.
00:34:32What are you, deaf as well as stupid?
00:34:34Look, you can give us a hand here.
00:34:35No, I'm sorry.
00:34:36I must get you.
00:34:36No, I'm sorry.
00:34:37No, no, no, no, come on.
00:34:38You've got to do something about him.
00:34:39He always leaves a place in bloody ruins.
00:34:41Oh, come on.
00:34:43Why don't you get yourself a bouncer, you silly old fart?
00:34:46Come on, you guys, let's go.
00:34:47He is the bloody bouncer.
00:34:49Oh, look out.
00:34:50Oh, my Lord.
00:34:53Um, they didn't even help.
00:34:57Oh, bouncer.
00:34:58Now go and get your brother McKismore.
00:35:00And while you're gone, do something about that hair.
00:35:02It's the worst bloody haircut I've ever seen.
00:35:04Go on.
00:35:04Go on.
00:35:05On your back.
00:35:06Oh, the door.
00:35:32What can I do for you?
00:35:34Mrs. Sampson, I presume?
00:35:36It's Miss Delilah.
00:35:38My, my, my Delilah.
00:35:41Don't you dare think about doing the next bit.
00:35:43Oh, why, why, why, Delilah?
00:35:46I warned you.
00:35:47I'm sorry.
00:35:48Look, it's really imperative that we see Samson.
00:35:51We brought you a gift, you see?
00:35:54We brought you a gift, huh?
00:35:56We brought you a gift.
00:35:59Is that a gift?
00:36:00Oh, you bet you're a bans.
00:36:03All right, then.
00:36:04Oh, surely, good.
00:36:06Jesus, what a pig.
00:36:11Yeah.
00:36:12Wait there.
00:36:15Look at the square ass on that, eh?
00:36:17Ho, ho.
00:36:18Yes.
00:36:19Samson!
00:36:20Samson!
00:36:21I'll be in in a minute.
00:36:29Genuine plastic.
00:36:30Hey, hey, and look at this, eh?
00:36:32My bedroom curtains, especially for you, eh?
00:36:36If you agree to come back to Chlamydia with us and fight Hercules at the Pink Panthenon.
00:36:40Well, what do you think, dear?
00:36:41I think it's a more stupid fucking idea I ever heard of.
00:36:44Um, I don't think she's very big on the idea, actually.
00:36:48Um, um...
00:36:50Hey, hey, psst, psst, hey, hey, hey.
00:36:52Hmm?
00:36:52Don't you worry about her.
00:36:54I'll butter her up.
00:36:55Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:36:57Can I watch?
00:37:00Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
00:37:02Uh, Delilah, um, um, look, I don't know what you're so concerned about.
00:37:09I mean, these gentlemen have simply asked me to accompany them back to Chlamydia
00:37:13to engage in a professional wrestling match with Hercules.
00:37:17I mean, I can beat him, and I won't get hurt, so what's the problem, eh?
00:37:22Save it, Samson.
00:37:23You gave me a word that you'd never fight again after that man was killed.
00:37:29Bit unfair bringing that up. You stabbed him.
00:37:32Don't split hairs.
00:37:34All right, go off, you mars.
00:37:36Thanks, Del.
00:37:38Okay, you blokes can pick me up first thing in the morning, okay?
00:37:42I'm going to fight Achilles.
00:37:43I'm going to fight Achilles.
00:37:46Samson, a word of warning.
00:37:47Don't let her cut your hair, will you?
00:37:49No, you don't believe that old story about me losing my strength if someone cuts my hair, do you?
00:37:53No, I just love those cute little pigtails.
00:37:55Bye.
00:37:56And don't slam that fucking door.
00:38:01Sorry.
00:38:02Okay, just put this back up here, and don't slam the fucking door, Samson.
00:38:11Right.
00:38:13Listen, love, you're not going to regret your decision.
00:38:15I'm telling you, we can make some big bucks on this one.
00:38:18You mean you can go into town and hoar around?
00:38:22Find yourself some beautiful young thing.
00:38:25Oh, what would I want with a beautiful young thing when I've got you, eh?
00:38:28Swab bugger.
00:38:29You know, Del?
00:38:30It's going to be good to get back to chlamydia again.
00:38:43I haven't been there since I was a teenager, carousing the main street on a Saturday night, picking up chicks in me chariot.
00:38:50You know, Del, sometimes I amaze myself at how truly boring I really am.
00:39:01Even bore the shit out of meself.
00:39:08Oh, shit.
00:39:08Oh, shit.
00:39:09Oh, shit.
00:39:19Oh, shit.
00:39:26Now I've really got you by the short and curlies.
00:39:42I'm off to the big smoke.
00:40:08I've got myself a big fight lined up with Achilles.
00:40:11Hey, hang on a sec.
00:40:27My hair feels shorter.
00:40:33Oh!
00:40:35Del, you hiding in here?
00:40:37You under those cushions?
00:40:39No.
00:40:40Under the sheet?
00:40:41No.
00:40:42I know, you're hiding in that tiny little bloody box again, aren't you?
00:40:45No.
00:40:46Nail scissors?
00:40:47What's this?
00:40:48Eh?
00:40:49Why'd you cut my hair?
00:40:54To stop you from going into the city.
00:40:57Now, you're going to stay here with me and you're going to like it.
00:41:02So shut up, man!
00:41:05Let's get physical, physical.
00:41:08I want to get physical.
00:41:12Here's your dinner.
00:41:14Oh!
00:41:15Oh, great.
00:41:16Thanks.
00:41:17Oh, big beast, sir.
00:41:19Christ.
00:41:20But that's all we've got.
00:41:21You've eaten everything else.
00:41:23Did I say you could stop singing?
00:41:25Oh, no.
00:41:26I'm sorry.
00:41:27I'm physical, physical.
00:41:29I want to get physical.
00:41:32Let's get it.
00:41:34Take me a drink.
00:41:35No, sir!
00:41:38Here you go, sir.
00:41:41Oh, did you piss on that?
00:41:43Oh, God.
00:41:45Hey, you.
00:41:46Oh, you're doing great.
00:41:47You're doing marvellous.
00:41:48But you, pal, you're doing the melodies.
00:41:50You should be doing the harmonies, okay?
00:41:52Oh, I'm sorry.
00:41:53I'm sorry about that.
00:41:54Now, get it right for Christ's sake!
00:41:57Oh, jeez!
00:41:59I'm gonna see you, pal.
00:42:00Come here, you.
00:42:01Oh, my God, he's getting physical.
00:42:02Oh, I'm physical.
00:42:03Oh, gotcha.
00:42:04Now, you get out of here, you dummy!
00:42:12You think he's still in there?
00:42:14It's possible.
00:42:15Yeah, you could be right.
00:42:17I knew that bitch would cut Samson's hair.
00:42:20I hope this Scottish bugger can help us.
00:42:22I say, you're a bit old for rolling the hay.
00:42:25Christ, I'm funny.
00:42:29Come here, you weird devil.
00:42:31Oh, no!
00:42:32I swear I'll throw her!
00:42:33Oh, great.
00:42:34Kinky, too.
00:42:35Oh, come on, darling.
00:42:36You won't feel a thing.
00:42:37Well, that's what all me ex-girlfriends have said about me, anyway.
00:42:39Oh, no!
00:42:40No!
00:42:41Oh!
00:42:42Excuse me, sir.
00:42:43Could you give me an hand?
00:42:44This man here is a pervert!
00:42:45Hey, bug it off, pal.
00:42:46I saw her first, eh?
00:42:48I knew that'd stop him.
00:42:50It's...
00:42:51money!
00:42:52And it's all yours.
00:42:54Who'd you want me to beat up?
00:42:57I'd beat myself up for this much.
00:43:00I want a man.
00:43:02Oh, right.
00:43:03Like that is it, Nancy boy.
00:43:04Oh, I get you.
00:43:05I want you to get someone for me.
00:43:08I want that chappy, Samson.
00:43:10Oh, move your head, will ya?
00:43:12Right.
00:43:13Uh, I think that was you, actually.
00:43:16Oh, dear.
00:43:17And I don't want him hurt, alright?
00:43:19Hey, no worries.
00:43:20Samson is a pushover at the moment, but look out for the wife.
00:43:23She's a bit of a bruiser.
00:43:25Hey, don't panic.
00:43:26I love those padded shoulders, pal.
00:43:28Oh, Christ.
00:43:29Are you stuck in the haystack again?
00:43:31Come on.
00:43:32Up you come.
00:43:34Right.
00:43:35Okay, up we go.
00:43:36And...
00:43:38Right.
00:43:39One, two, three.
00:43:41Howie!
00:43:49Right, where is he?
00:43:50Come on out, you big woozy.
00:43:52Oh, it's alright, son.
00:43:53He's gone.
00:43:55Gone?
00:43:56Ah, thanks to these kind gentlemen, I finally got rid of bloody urses.
00:44:00Oh, well, then I'll go then.
00:44:01No, no, no, no, no, come inside.
00:44:02And have some of your mums for tatini.
00:44:04Oh, that lovely vegetable sauce, my man.
00:44:05That's the one.
00:44:06Oh, Charlie, tell me, can we trust these urses, eh?
00:44:09Oh, yes, yes.
00:44:10He promised me he'd be discreet.
00:44:11What do you want?
00:44:12Eh, bugger off, you.
00:44:13Hey, you.
00:44:14You with a funny heart, you Samson.
00:44:15Eh?
00:44:16Oh, ha, ha, ha.
00:44:17Should've said no, eh?
00:44:18Ha, ha, ha.
00:44:19I'd seen my love bike.
00:44:20No, Samson.
00:44:21No, you can't take him.
00:44:22Please, bring him back.
00:44:26Ah, ah, ah, ah.
00:44:28Ah, ah, ah.
00:44:29Ah, ah, ah.
00:44:30Ah, ah, ah.
00:44:31Ah, ah, ah.
00:44:32Ah, ah, ah.
00:44:33I'd see my love bike.
00:44:34No, Samson!
00:44:35Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
00:44:39Oh!
00:44:40No, you can't take him.
00:44:41Please, bring him back.
00:44:42Please, bring him back!
00:45:12Thank you, darling!
00:45:17That's okay, Mumsy.
00:45:18Oh, your danger's getting worse, isn't it?
00:45:21Fuck off!
00:45:22Fair enough.
00:45:25Rosanna McKismo is very considerate.
00:45:28Oh, he's always been like that.
00:45:29Ever since I can remember, he's always enjoyed bending over backwards for people.
00:45:33Know what I mean?
00:45:34Oh, bitch!
00:45:39There you go, Mumsy, all finished.
00:45:41Look, I'd really better get going now, okay?
00:45:43All right, bye-bye, darling.
00:45:44See you later, Mum.
00:45:45Don't talk to any strange men!
00:45:47Oh, Christ, if only.
00:45:48Oh, look, Mum, don't forget about the interior decorator's ball.
00:45:51But I can't dance!
00:45:52Not a dance, Mum, it's a raffle.
00:45:54Careful on the roads!
00:45:55Always am!
00:45:58Oh, I love this bit.
00:46:00And...
00:46:02Come on, Cyril.
00:46:04I know what boys like, I know what guys want.
00:46:11I've got a headache!
00:46:22Hey, this'll get rid of it, eh?
00:46:25What?
00:46:26See, I told you.
00:46:27Hey, this is a thirst.
00:46:29Carrying an unconscious guy into a pub.
00:46:31Boy, boy!
00:46:32Can I never help again?
00:46:33Oh, give it a rest, lad.
00:46:34Now go get your brother McKismore again.
00:46:36That's it.
00:46:37Oh, okay.
00:46:38Thump, lad!
00:46:40God!
00:46:41Wouldn't know if somebody was up in sideways with an armful of deck chairs.
00:46:44He really wouldn't.
00:46:46No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:46:47It's impossible.
00:46:48We can't rig the fight.
00:46:49Well, what about my reputation as the strongest man alive?
00:46:52You can live with it.
00:46:53If I lose this fight, I'll be a laughing stock.
00:46:57Hey, what if I fight someone else?
00:46:59What about these two old farts over here?
00:47:00I could do them easy enough.
00:47:02If I lose this fight, my reputation is buggered.
00:47:06If I win the fight, I've got to marry Hercules and I'm buggered again.
00:47:10I think he's acting.
00:47:12Pretty badly, too.
00:47:13Oh, you think he's only pretending to be a piss-weak little wimp, eh?
00:47:17Maybe, yes.
00:47:19Wait here, I'll sort this out.
00:47:20Now, listen, I want a word with you, but I don't want Samson to know what we're talking about.
00:47:28Do you understand?
00:47:29Yeah, okay.
00:47:30Sit down next to me and make it look like you're chatting me up again.
00:47:32Ah, good.
00:47:33Now.
00:47:34That's good, yeah.
00:47:35That's good, yeah.
00:47:36And then, that's...
00:47:37Oh, of course.
00:47:38Oh, that's great, that's great.
00:47:39I love it.
00:47:40Hey, you.
00:47:41Right.
00:47:42Oh, that's great.
00:47:43I love it.
00:47:44Oh, that's great.
00:47:45I love it.
00:47:46Oh, that's great.
00:47:47Hey, you.
00:47:48Right.
00:47:49Can your mother soar?
00:47:51Well, tell her to put a few stitches in this, eh?
00:47:54And...
00:47:59You've got a funny way of saying hello, you know that?
00:48:03I'm trying to provoke you into a fight, pal.
00:48:06Now I'm really going to insult you.
00:48:08I'm really angry now.
00:48:13You know what you are.
00:48:14You're a big poop.
00:48:15Big poop.
00:48:16All right.
00:48:17Them's fighting words, Jimmy.
00:48:18I'm going to knock your teeth so far down your throat.
00:48:19You'll have bite marks in your sphincter.
00:48:20Now come here, eh?
00:48:21Oh, look at that.
00:48:22You've got a wee bit of dirt on your cheek.
00:48:23Let me help you with it, okay?
00:48:24Wallah!
00:48:25Wallah!
00:48:26Oh, Samson!
00:48:27Samson!
00:48:28Samson!
00:48:29Run for it!
00:48:30Come on, Samson, you great tool.
00:48:31Make a run for it.
00:48:32Come on, Samson!
00:48:33Oh, Samson, it's great.
00:48:34Let me help you out, pal.
00:48:35Uh-uh.
00:48:36Door's that way.
00:48:37Whoa!
00:48:38Ahh!
00:48:39Samson!
00:48:41Samson, run for it!
00:48:43Come on, Samson, you great tool.
00:48:45Make a run for it. Come on, Samson.
00:48:47Let me help you out, pal.
00:48:49Thor's that way.
00:49:03Christ, it's not often there thrown at me.
00:49:05Better keep him just in case.
00:49:07If this doesn't belong to anyone,
00:49:09I'll have him.
00:49:11Darling, it's that bloody ass
00:49:13as he's back again.
00:49:15Did you hit him?
00:49:17What if I did?
00:49:19Well, what are you picking on him for?
00:49:21You big bully.
00:49:23You wanna take his place?
00:49:27You wanna take his place?
00:49:29I'll fight you on one condition.
00:49:31That you lower your nipples.
00:49:33I'll fight you on one condition.
00:49:35That you lower your nipples.
00:49:37Oh, thanks very much.
00:49:39Oh!
00:49:43I'll fight you on one condition.
00:49:45That you lower your nipples.
00:49:49I'll fight you on one condition.
00:49:51That you lower your nipples.
00:49:59Oh, thanks very much.
00:50:05Come on, let's watch this from outside.
00:50:09Right, mate, come on.
00:50:19What?
00:50:23Eh, let's do some more damaging.
00:50:29Right then, come on.
00:50:31And...
00:50:33And...
00:50:35And pancake head.
00:50:37And again.
00:50:39And I'll battle it, why not? One more.
00:50:43Eh, hold on a sec, will ya?
00:50:45I'm all sweaty, you know.
00:50:47Eh...
00:50:48Yeah, right, that's better, come on.
00:50:49Okay.
00:50:58Eh, I'll go up, pal.
00:50:59I'll be nice to you.
00:51:00The next punch after this one won't connect, okay?
00:51:05On the curtains.
00:51:06I just put them out.
00:51:07Come here, you.
00:51:12Eh, it's a really nice aftershave you're wearing, eh?
00:51:14What's it called?
00:51:15Oh!
00:51:16Oh!
00:51:17Geronimo!
00:51:20And right, six, two, three, and down.
00:51:26Oh, I'll give you half an hour to stop.
00:51:28Oh, no!
00:51:29That's one month's paper mache column, no!
00:51:30Oh, no!
00:51:31Oh, no!
00:51:36Oh, no!
00:51:37Oh, my God!
00:51:38Oh, no, no!
00:51:39No, that's one month's paper mache column!
00:51:40No!
00:51:41No!
00:51:49Oh, right.
00:51:50Fight's over.
00:51:51Right, mate.
00:51:52Cop this then.
00:51:53What?
00:51:54No!
00:51:54No!
00:51:55No!
00:52:17And when you're finished, I want the whole wall done in a lovely piece, alright?
00:52:20Yeah, what I love.
00:52:21Ooh, ooh, love.
00:52:23M'kismu!
00:52:24That's what Mumsy named me.
00:52:26Mmm, well, sit down, you know.
00:52:28Ooh, I'd love to.
00:52:29Mmm, Samson here, you see, here's my...
00:52:32Samson here has a very important question he'd like to ask you, is he?
00:52:37Yeah, do you know how to get wine stains out of this cloth?
00:52:39Look, I'll fix that up later.
00:52:41Listen, what are you guys doing here?
00:52:42What's all this about, anyway?
00:52:43They want me to find Hercules, but I'm not gonna do it.
00:52:46Mmm, he is going to do it, and that's the end of it.
00:52:49Zeus has decreed that there's no way out, you see.
00:52:51When your God says to beat the living shit out of someone, you do it.
00:52:54That's what religion is all about.
00:52:56I'm an atheist.
00:52:57Doesn't matter, you're still going to do it, I say.
00:52:59Hey, fellas, I hope you don't mind me interrupting or anything.
00:53:02Just thought I heard you talking about the fight, and I was wondering, can I come too, eh?
00:53:05Come with us?
00:53:06Why not?
00:53:07The more muscles, the merrier, eh?
00:53:09Oh.
00:53:10One other thing.
00:53:11This film is originally in Italian, right?
00:53:12And what my character is saying now, well, there's no literal translation into English,
00:53:16you see.
00:53:17So I was wondering, if it's okay with you guys, that is, if we could skip to the next scene
00:53:20where we're all riding towards the city on horses, eh?
00:53:23Oh, great, thanks very much, that's right, yeah.
00:53:25Oh, come on, gays, will you give a fucking less, for Christ's sake?
00:53:39Hercules!
00:53:41Hercules!
00:53:42We've got Samson!
00:53:44Samson?
00:53:45Here already?
00:53:46God, he can't see me like this, I haven't got enough baby oil on my muscles.
00:53:48Fuck, he's stupid.
00:53:51Shit!
00:53:52Fuck!
00:53:53Hey, any word on testicular line?
00:53:54He's fun to see his father.
00:53:55Oh, look, I can see right up your nose, eh?
00:54:12Hey, look who it is.
00:54:14Testy, my old son.
00:54:19Hey, come here and give your old man a big hug, eh, son?
00:54:23Come here, son, come here, son.
00:54:24Get those arms out, get those arms out.
00:54:26Come on, child, man, you're talking to.
00:54:27Get those arms out, sonny.
00:54:28Bring them up, boy.
00:54:29Give your old man a big bear hug.
00:54:30Come on, sonny.
00:54:31Come on, sonny.
00:54:33Hey, Dad, I've got to talk to you.
00:54:35Shut up.
00:54:35Now, listen, son.
00:54:36I want to introduce you to someone.
00:54:37See, that Sheila up there on the patio, isn't she a little beauty?
00:54:40Yeah, but, Dad, it's really important.
00:54:41I said shut up.
00:54:42Now, listen, son.
00:54:43It's about time you and I had a talk about what you're going to do with your bloody life, eh?
00:54:47Oh, pick the bones out of that one, eh?
00:54:50Jesus, sorry, son.
00:54:52Had some prawns for lunch there.
00:54:53Oh, they must have been off, eh?
00:54:55Oh, Dad?
00:54:57I said shut up.
00:55:00Oh, bloody tail.
00:55:02Now, look at her, son.
00:55:04She's smart.
00:55:05She's pretty.
00:55:06She's witty.
00:55:07And her old man owns a brewery.
00:55:10Everything a man could look for in a wife.
00:55:13Do you get what I'm trying to tell you, son?
00:55:15Of course I do, Dad.
00:55:16And I hope you'll be really happy together in that, eh?
00:55:28Oh, God.
00:55:30Those fucking prawns, eh?
00:55:33Dad?
00:55:34Listen, son.
00:55:36I'm not going to marry her.
00:55:38You're going to marry her.
00:55:40Oh, so that's it.
00:55:42That's right mastermind, you're gonna marry her.
00:55:49Oh listen son, we need her old man's business.
00:55:52Hey, and don't you even think of going anywhere near that bloody Sheila from the Pink Panthenon again alright?
00:55:57Now do you get what I'm trying to tell you son, well do ya?
00:56:00Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:56:04Hey, where are you going?
00:56:06To a party.
00:56:07Oh, can I come?
00:56:09Oh get real dead, you're a social embarrassment.
00:56:11Ha, ha, ha.
00:56:21Great turnout.
00:56:23If Hercules wins the fight, imagine how many we'll have for the wedding.
00:56:27If he finds out you tricked him, do you think he'll have as many for your funeral?
00:56:31Ha, ha, she's a great girl, isn't she, eh?
00:56:34Hmm.
00:56:35Ted, is there...
00:56:36What?
00:56:37Something you want to tell me?
00:56:38Well, what about Fanny?
00:56:40Uh, no, no, we're just good friends, aren't we, eh?
00:56:43She's wearing your underpants!
00:56:45Yeah, well, obviously we're very good friends, ain't we, eh?
00:56:48Dum, dum, dum, dum, don't look jelly-dills, yum!
00:56:51Oh, I'd wrestle her any time!
00:56:53Oh, you're such a bitch!
00:56:54Oh, get away from me, you poof!
00:56:56Oh!
00:56:57Mind if I join you girls?
00:56:59Eh, look at that, will ya?
00:57:00Look at that!
00:57:01Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:57:02Hey, you know what would look good on that girl?
00:57:03Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:57:04Me!
00:57:05Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:57:06Christ, I love classy lines like that, I do!
00:57:07Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:57:08Who, her?
00:57:09Yeah, she's alright.
00:57:10But she's not as good as my lab here.
00:57:11By the way, where is she?
00:57:12Oh, the fight's about to start!
00:57:13Oh, thanks!
00:57:16Oh, um, Samson!
00:57:21Huh?
00:57:22How do you think he'll do?
00:57:23I think he'll kick nine colors of shit out of me, actually.
00:57:24Oh, right.
00:57:25I think I'm gonna throw up!
00:57:26Oh, um, Samson, how do you think he'll do?
00:57:32I think he'll kick nine colors of shit out of me, actually.
00:57:34Oh, right.
00:57:35I think I'm gonna throw up.
00:57:40You're ill, you're ill.
00:57:41Isn't it about time we got the show on the road?
00:57:43I think you've had enough of the drink there, love.
00:57:45Any more of those and you'll be under the weight.
00:57:48Everybody, everybody, let the fight commence.
00:57:53Ladies and gentlemen,
00:57:55welcome to the Big Pantana,
00:58:00where tonight's main belt is between
00:58:03Hercules and Samson.
00:58:08Will you please welcome them into the arena?
00:58:13First off is Samson,
00:58:16a man of dubious intelligence.
00:58:18Next we have Hercules,
00:58:20a man of dubious sexuality.
00:58:22Let the fight begin.
00:58:25Right, got you now, you mongrel.
00:58:30Come on, let's see you get out of this one, eh?
00:58:34Oh, shit.
00:58:36Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:58:37Oh, God, this is embarrassing.
00:58:39Every time you knock me down,
00:58:40the crowd sees right up my freckle.
00:58:42Oh, be gentle.
00:58:45Step right up, step right up.
00:58:47Go on, ladies.
00:58:49Now.
00:58:49Yep.
00:58:50That miserable, ungrateful,
00:58:52deceitful, disgusting,
00:58:54disrespectful, disobedient tart.
00:58:57What's up, love?
00:58:58Something the matter?
00:58:59That child of mine has run off
00:59:01with the pleb from the beer garden.
00:59:04Perfect.
00:59:05Exactly what we wanted.
00:59:07I'll send a couple of the boys around
00:59:09and maybe we can even persuade Hercules to go,
00:59:11if you get my drift.
00:59:12Well, do ya?
00:59:13Do ya?
00:59:13Do ya?
00:59:14Do ya?
00:59:15Do ya?
00:59:17No.
00:59:18I know.
00:59:19We can send Hercules off to find her.
00:59:22We can persuade him.
00:59:23I'm sure we could.
00:59:25You're not as stupid as everyone says, Muriel.
00:59:28Really?
00:59:29Nope.
00:59:30Thanks, Ted.
00:59:33You wouldn't want to put an end
00:59:34to this horrible display of humiliation, would you?
00:59:36Oh, help me, sir!
00:59:42Hercules, I'm afraid we're going to have to cancel
00:59:44your prom tonight.
00:59:45What?
00:59:46No song?
00:59:47Well, what's the problem, then?
00:59:48You see, it's Labia.
00:59:50She's been kidnapped.
00:59:52I must go after her.
00:59:54Now, you talking squire,
00:59:55I'll organize a crack legion of our toughest guards
00:59:57to go with you and help retrieve the lovely Labia
01:00:00from the evil clutches of...
01:00:01Shut the fuck up.
01:00:02I don't need their help.
01:00:04I'm a loner.
01:00:04For you see, what?
01:00:07I've traveled each and every highway,
01:00:10but more, much more than this.
01:00:12Well, I've done it my way.
01:00:19Testy Kilei, was it good for you?
01:00:23Yeah.
01:00:26Really?
01:00:28Well, I didn't expect the Earth to move,
01:00:33but I at least expected you to.
01:00:35Oh, Testy, you're so romantic.
01:00:40I can't wait.
01:00:42You know,
01:00:44oh, geez, it is going to be so good
01:00:46when we're married.
01:00:47I've never been in love like this before.
01:00:50The love that you and I
01:00:52have for one another,
01:00:54it's a very special thing.
01:00:57Yeah, but...
01:01:07Can I be on top next time, please?
01:01:15Ow!
01:01:16Now, I warned you about going out
01:01:18with that bloody Sheila, didn't I?
01:01:20Aye, bring that special goat's pest mouthwash over here.
01:01:24Ah, yummy.
01:01:30Now, what about you, darling?
01:01:32What have you got to say for yourself, eh?
01:01:34I don't understand all this.
01:01:36What exactly have you got against me, anyway?
01:01:39Oh, what have I got against her?
01:01:41Ah, ah.
01:01:41Well, I'll tell you, son.
01:01:44I'll tell you what I've got against her, mate.
01:01:47She's a bloody yuppie.
01:01:48That's what I've got against her, mate.
01:01:50Oh, Dad, you're just jealous
01:01:52that her mum's club's doing better
01:01:53than this beer gun.
01:01:55Oh, that's not it, son.
01:01:56It's the way she acts, mate.
01:01:58All right, this place doesn't have
01:02:00a spa and a sauna,
01:02:01but at least the bloody client
01:02:02hell aren't stuck up.
01:02:04And all right, there's a few cockroaches
01:02:05running around the place,
01:02:06but they just add character, eh?
01:02:08Oh, there goes another one,
01:02:10and I'm proud of it.
01:02:11Are you always like this?
01:02:13Why it's so aggro?
01:02:15Easy.
01:02:16He's paranoid.
01:02:17He keeps thinking people
01:02:19are trying to run him over.
01:02:23Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:02:25Aggro, eh?
01:02:26You reckon I'm aggro?
01:02:27Well, let me tell you something, darling.
01:02:29The only reason I get bloody aggro
01:02:31is because I care about
01:02:33what happens to my one and only
01:02:35bloody son, eh?
01:02:38Come here, fucknuckle.
01:02:39I want a word with you.
01:02:40Who?
01:02:41I said, come here.
01:02:43Oh.
01:02:43Now, I've never told you this before,
01:02:47and I think it's about time I did.
01:02:49I loved Labbia's mother once.
01:02:51No, tell a lie, it was twice, actually.
01:02:53Nice bottle of wine back at the drive-in,
01:02:54you know what I mean, eh?
01:02:55Why are you trying to tell me
01:02:56that you could be Labbia's father?
01:02:58Oh, ha, ha, ha.
01:03:00Oh, no, I'm just bragging.
01:03:02Ha, ha, ha.
01:03:03But what I am bloody well saying
01:03:05is there's no way in the world
01:03:07that you're going to marry that girl, right?
01:03:08Now grab the mungrel.
01:03:09Take him away and give him
01:03:13the beer garden torture.
01:03:17Five buckets of creme de montha.
01:03:21Dad, nothing you do is going to stop me
01:03:23marrying the girl I love.
01:03:26Fair enough, make it ten buckets.
01:03:27Oh, the mother really got me.
01:03:28Ten green balls, hang on the wall.
01:03:35Six green balls, hang on the wall.
01:03:40And five green balls, jacks in the...
01:03:44Oh, fucking great.
01:03:51Hey, somebody cut the toes out of my boots, man.
01:03:54We're stumped.
01:03:56Chip off the old block, eh?
01:04:00Ha, ha, ha.
01:04:01Here, righty.
01:04:01Let's get this barbecue going.
01:04:03Come on, line her up.
01:04:06How's that? How's that?
01:04:13Bigger, bigger, bigger.
01:04:14Bigger, bigger.
01:04:15Bigger, bigger.
01:04:17While you're standing in that bucket,
01:04:20you won't mind if I borrow this.
01:04:22I...
01:04:27I won't take it out of your ass, Belle.
01:04:30You said we were having a pawn and prawn night,
01:04:32not a bloody barbecue.
01:04:35Grab the mongrel.
01:04:37Wrong mongrel.
01:04:40Hey, check out my boots, let me hear this stuff.
01:04:42Ah, stop, stop.
01:04:44Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:04:53Hey!
01:04:56I'm here!
01:04:57Ha, ha!
01:05:00Ah!
01:05:03Ah!
01:05:13Oh, it'll take more than two of you, ha, ha, ha.
01:05:16Oh, shit.
01:05:19Why did y'all fall down?
01:05:20I missed the lot of you.
01:05:20Oh, you again.
01:05:21Whoa-ho! Ha-ha-hee-oh!
01:05:26I gotta get myself a new club. This rubber one is crap.
01:05:34Nice fuckin' prawns.
01:05:36Ugh!
01:05:47Lab here, I've come to save you. It's wedding time.
01:05:50I beat Samson. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
01:05:52No, Testicule, I don't! That's Hercules!
01:05:58I could beat you with my legs high behind my hands, mate.
01:06:02What?
01:06:05I beg your pardon?
01:06:06No, Testicule, don't, please!
01:06:09And, Nichols, come here, Pallyboy, I'm gonna cut the toes out of your boots, okay?
01:06:14Come on, whoa, and...
01:06:17Testy, Testy, Testy, Testy!
01:06:25Hercules, this is the man I love.
01:06:28He's really tops. I'd do anything for him. I'd even die for him twice if I had to!
01:06:37I think I got this. Now, somebody cut the toes out of his boots. Is that alright? Huh?
01:06:42It's nothing personal, Hercules. It's not just because you're a jerk. You see, it's because, well, I love him. And I'm gonna have his baby.
01:06:59Hi, Hercules!
01:07:03Hi, Hercules!
01:07:06Somebody's been telling me lies.
01:07:08Oh, lies?
01:07:10No, wasn't me. Ted, have you been telling lies again, dear?
01:07:13No, no. Well, no more than usual, no.
01:07:15No, no? Then how come nobody told me that Labier was in love with another guy?
01:07:19God, you made me look really silly bursting into that beer garden, you know.
01:07:22Well, somebody had to save her.
01:07:24Yeah, listen, Mush, they would have done some pretty horrible things to her, and if you had-
01:07:27You made me look silly!
01:07:29Do you know how hard it is to be a bodybuilder these days, with all the jokes going around?
01:07:32And, of course, the well-known rumors about your tiny weenie-
01:07:34Yep, yep, yep. That is the thing that bugs me the most.
01:07:38That is not true that all bodybuilders have got little peepees, okay?
01:07:41So that's it. The wedding's cancelled.
01:07:43Uh, uh, Zeus!
01:07:46Bless you.
01:07:47No, Zeus, your old man, remember?
01:07:49Now, whichever way you look at it, he still told you to marry Labier, didn't he, eh?
01:07:53Hmm, hmm, hmm.
01:07:55That-that-that's right! And you can't betray your own god!
01:07:59I mean, do you remember what happened to the last man who betrayed Zeus?
01:08:02He turned him into an accountant!
01:08:05Ugh! Oh, God, I forgot about Zeus.
01:08:08I guess I'll have to marry her.
01:08:10Oh, darn.
01:08:12Oh, it's just that, you know, well, I feel like I healed, you know?
01:08:16I mean, she doesn't love me.
01:08:18But I can cope with this on my own, because...
01:08:22I don't have plans and schemes.
01:08:27I don't have hopes and dreams.
01:08:32I don't have anything since I...
01:08:37Oh, hello.
01:08:38Oh, thank you, Lise.
01:08:39Do you like what I've done to the place?
01:08:41What?
01:08:42Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's great, I love it, I love it, yeah.
01:08:45Look, um, we still gotta get married.
01:08:47Zeus said so, remember?
01:08:49What's so funny?
01:08:56Oh, great, she's a spastic.
01:09:09That wasn't Zeus inside the statue, that was Stretch.
01:09:12What?
01:09:13Yeah, no, Stretch?
01:09:16Oh, don't hurt him, he's only a little guy.
01:09:19Yeah, that's okay, I'll only hurt him a little then.
01:09:25So, you see, Hercules, you don't have to marry me at all.
01:09:28Yeah, yeah, but that still doesn't solve the problem
01:09:30of how we're gonna convince your mother to let you marry Tosticuli, does it?
01:09:33No, not at all.
01:09:34Well, if you're agreeable, I do have this sort of plan.
01:09:39Yeah, what?
01:09:41Oh, God, you picky!
01:09:43Oh, yeah, okay, I'm sorry about that.
01:09:45I guess I was in another world for a long time.
01:09:47Get out of my mind!
01:09:48Oh, sit down!
01:09:50But, but, sir, you missed the rest of the film!
01:09:52Shut up!
01:09:53Move your feet, you stupid bitch!
01:09:56This is outrageous.
01:09:57You've all been caught.
01:09:58She tried to kill you.
01:09:59Actually, hold on a second there, Labbier.
01:10:02Yo, bullet head.
01:10:04Sit down so we can finish that film.
01:10:06Hey, Labbier, check out the guy in the third row.
01:10:08Doesn't she look beautiful?
01:10:24This is a very emotional moment for a mother when one loses one's daughter.
01:10:28Well, you're not losing a daughter.
01:10:30You're gaining a, um, pinhead.
01:10:32Pinhead.
01:10:33Yeah.
01:10:39She's very pretty.
01:10:40What do you think?
01:10:41Hey, a visioning weight.
01:10:42From what I've heard, she's got a nerve-wearing wad.
01:10:44Oh, Ellie, tell us about her.
01:10:45Come on in.
01:10:46Shut up!
01:10:47Testiculite!
01:10:48Cop that.
01:10:49And you do.
01:10:50He's rather nice.
01:10:51I could do him.
01:10:52I don't know.
01:10:53He looks kinda tough.
01:10:54Now, hold on.
01:10:55You're not gonna marry Labbier, mate.
01:10:56No, you are.
01:10:57And you're also gonna be the only man who ever beat the snot out of Hercules.
01:11:10What?
01:11:11That's right!
01:11:12Hercules is gonna help.
01:11:13That's right, Hercules is going to help.
01:11:16If you beat him in a fight, Mum will have to let us get married.
01:11:19I could have beaten him in a fair fight, you know?
01:11:21If only my hair was longer.
01:11:25Hey, my hair.
01:11:29It's grown back.
01:11:31Now listen, Paul, can I have a word with you?
01:11:33In only three days.
01:11:36Rebatch and...
01:11:43So this guy wants to fight me again, huh?
01:11:45Okay, I'll give him a fight.
01:11:46But first I'll get rid of this cardboard T-shirt.
01:11:49Right, come on then.
01:11:51And...
01:11:52Oh, Jesus.
01:11:56Right.
01:11:57Okay, everyone in for the big final fight scene.
01:12:00Except you, back in the pool.
01:12:02Right.
01:12:07Pool party, wah-hoo!
01:12:09Right.
01:12:10Excellent.
01:12:11Now, who's fighting who?
01:12:18Let's organize this properly for a sec.
01:12:19Come on, uh...
01:12:20Okay, if I get hit by nurses, then I'll hit him again.
01:12:23Then, you can strangle him.
01:12:25And then nurses can hit me again,
01:12:26and I'll get up real quick and hit him.
01:12:28Have you guys noticed how some of this water is really brown
01:12:31and some of it's really blue, like in a swimming pool, you know?
01:12:33Ha-ha.
01:12:35Oh, Jesus!
01:12:37Oh, God!
01:12:38Oh, God!
01:12:43Good red-handed.
01:12:44You thought you could pull the wool over my eyes.
01:12:48You can't get away with this, McBain.
01:12:51Shut up, kid!
01:12:52We're busy!
01:12:52You're too late to find a dwarf, kid!
01:13:07Stop this once and for all!
01:13:10You thought you could pull us, didn't you, Sprint?
01:13:13Shut him up!
01:13:14He's ruining everything!
01:13:15What are you just waiting?
01:13:16Hands off!
01:13:17Hands off, kid!
01:13:19Oh, Dick, you and whose army you know?
01:13:21You're misleading the theatre going badly!
01:13:24Anyone, and I mean anyone,
01:13:26who tries to stop us finishing this film
01:13:28is gonna get biffed, okay?
01:13:30You can't threaten me.
01:13:32Oh, I just did.
01:13:34Oh, just because he's using the voice of some mythical hero
01:13:37doesn't mean to say that you are one, sonny.
01:13:40You know what I'm gonna do to you?
01:13:41I'm gonna cheer you up and spit you out, you little turd.
01:13:44Well, if that's any indication of your dietary habits,
01:13:48it certainly explains your breath.
01:13:50I'm gonna grind you to a pulp.
01:13:52You couldn't grind your teeth, you old fart.
01:13:55Don't you get it?
01:13:56You can't intimidate me anymore, Ken.
01:13:58I'm not one of your slimy little underlings.
01:14:01Not like that assistant of yours.
01:14:02God, he's such a brown nose
01:14:04that instead of a handkerchief,
01:14:05he uses toilet paper.
01:14:07Watch out!
01:14:09I'll sell you McBain,
01:14:10I'll take you to the cleaners.
01:14:11Let's go!
01:14:12Well, what do we do now, then, hmm?
01:14:19Oh, skip to the end of the movie.
01:14:21I want to see the fight.
01:14:23The least we can do is give it a happy ending.
01:14:27Let's see now.
01:14:28Oh, right.
01:14:29Well, labia and testiculi,
01:14:32a couple that by definition
01:14:33were destined to be joined together,
01:14:35were married.
01:14:36And guess what?
01:14:37They adopted little stretch.
01:14:39Ha, ha, ha.
01:14:40But what of our four superheroes?
01:14:43Well, what indeed.
01:14:45Samson went on to marry Delilah,
01:14:47and they went on to host
01:14:48a popular television chat show,
01:14:50Good Morning, Athenia.
01:14:52Mackismo went on to become
01:14:53a fully qualified hairdresser.
01:14:55Ursus went on, and on, and on,
01:14:58and nobody could shut him up.
01:14:59And Hercules went on
01:15:00to become a failed nightclub singer
01:15:02who couldn't remember the words to his songs,
01:15:04but still commanded a million dollars a gig.
01:15:06And for them, everything was dandy.
01:15:10Dandy, isn't that a bit mincy?
01:15:12Yes, you've got a point there.
01:15:13Uh, let me see.
01:15:14Oh, yes, I've got it.
01:15:15Everything was...
01:15:24Well, that wasn't too bad, was it, eh?
01:15:30Isn't it amazing that a film
01:15:38made in the 60s
01:15:39could have such topical references?
01:15:40I loved it.
01:15:41I'd give it a five.
01:15:42I'll guard the bait!
01:15:45Ow!
01:15:47Brad!
01:15:48Brad, Brad!
01:15:49Brad, it's not working!
01:15:50It's only a film!
01:15:52I'm not fighting for the film!
01:15:54Ha!
01:15:55I'm fighting for the film
01:15:56getting public in the world!
01:15:57You're fighting for your life, sonny.
01:15:59I've got you now, boy!
01:16:06Don't be fooled by the night, McBain.
01:16:08You won't succeed.
01:16:09I'll destroy you.
01:16:10Brad!
01:16:11Remember Clark Gable?
01:16:12Mute me on the bounty.
01:16:14The 1935 version.
01:16:16Huh?
01:16:17Oh, God!
01:16:18Oh, for God's sakes, Brad.
01:16:20Finish him off.
01:16:20I need a drink.
01:16:21Stay out of this, girlie.
01:16:22This is man's business.
01:16:23Uh-uh-uh.
01:16:24You shouldn't have said that.
01:16:26Well, looks like we've got a hit on our hands.
01:16:45Let's party!
01:16:46Yay!
01:16:46Yay!
01:17:00The name is Hercules.
01:17:03I'm the son of a god.
01:17:05Thick as a brick, but a beautiful bod.
01:17:06I am tough and I am strong.
01:17:09I like bursting into song.
01:17:11You didn't know that Herc was a singer.
01:17:13You didn't know that Herc was a swinger.
01:17:14This is my voice.
01:17:15Yo, don't be silly.
01:17:17Who'd you think I am, Mila Vanilli?
01:17:19I'm a legend.
01:17:20I am real.
01:17:21Son of a god with true sex appeal.
01:17:23Ask any girl what they think of Herc.
01:17:24They like waking up with the jerk.
01:17:26Now, the story starts with my father's news.
01:17:28A nice guy, but he thinks I'm a goose.
01:17:30He said he was sending me on a quest,
01:17:32and when I got to town, he'd tell me the rest.
01:17:34I had to know.
01:17:35I had to ask.
01:17:37Was I worthy of this task?
01:17:39We couldn't find nobody better.
01:17:40Not even that wimp.
01:17:41Ugh, Schwarzenegger!
01:17:42I'm riding along.
01:17:43I spy a motion.
01:17:45There's this girl drowning in the ocean.
01:17:46So I dived in and swam like a fish,
01:17:48and saved the life of this lovely dish.
01:17:50I took her back home where I met her mommy.
01:17:52She's got a nightclub and talks kind of funny.
01:17:54She had it in mind that I should marry her daughter.
01:17:56A little reward for saving her from the water!
01:17:58She's in love with this other guy.
01:18:16A funny dude called testiculi.
01:18:18A scrawny little runt, he is indeed like someone wrapped a toga round a weed.
01:18:22I had to prove that I was the best.
01:18:24I sucked in my gut and popped out my chest.
01:18:27I'll find Samson to prove I'm bold.
01:18:29That big was caught in by the cold.
01:18:31But the lullaby's wife said it wasn't fair.
01:18:33She sapped his strength by cutting his hair.
01:18:36Samson wasn't happy.
01:18:36He could not win.
01:18:37So when we fought, I beat the out of him.
01:18:39As I threw Samson to the ground,
01:18:41I asked him what he thought of my sound.
01:18:44He said, hurt, now listen to me.
01:18:45This song's wrapped with a capital C.
01:18:47Here come my succubus.
01:18:54Here come my succubus.
01:19:02Then the real soon came and said this wasn't right.
01:19:05He didn't get me here just to have a huge fight.
01:19:07I was here for one reason, one reason alone.
01:19:09To get these two married and put her on the throne.
01:19:12Oh sorry, that's two reasons.
01:19:13So I didn't get the girl.
01:19:14That ain't so bad.
01:19:15At least I made everybody glad.
01:19:17I'm a bachelor again.
01:19:18But I ain't crying if I don't have a girl.
01:19:20I can always pump the iron.
01:19:25Everybody say yo.
01:19:29Oh come on guys.
01:19:31This is my one big shot at stardom.
01:19:33Come on, everybody say yo.
01:19:36Okay, never mind.
01:19:37Here come my succubus.
01:19:43Yep, that's me, the big guy.
01:19:46You know what?
01:19:46I've always wanted to be a singer.
01:19:48And you know why?
01:19:49Because the singers always get the chicks.
01:19:51Whoa.
01:19:51Whoa.
01:19:57Well, hello there, darling.
01:19:58Uh, uh.
01:19:59Would you care to go out with the son of a god?
01:20:02Yep.
01:20:03Yeah.
01:20:03Okay, that's what I tell you about.
01:20:06I'll get my old man's chair.
01:20:08We can go out on Friday night.
01:20:09Somebody can get...
01:20:11Where'd you go?
01:20:12Oh, great story of my life.
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