- 1 day ago
The Bet (2016) - Full HD Movie Uncut
Category
š„
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Balding Penguin
00:00:07Balding Penguin
00:00:14Reverse Egyptian suplex! Reverse Egyptian suplex! He's going for the pin!
00:00:34One, two, three, yes! It's all over! What an absolute war that was!
00:00:40Okay, wrestling fans, it's time for the main event!
00:00:44After years of heartbreak, unfulfilled dreams, and shattered confidence,
00:00:48this young man will finally have one last shot at the world title!
00:00:53Does he have any chance? If you ask this announcer, he's f***ed!
00:00:57Dude, thanks for bogarting all these sweet wrestling DVDs from work.
00:01:02Oh, yeah, dude. I'd rather you have them and see them get thrown out when the store closes.
00:01:07Oh, uh, keep in mind, Dad, tonight. He hasn't been the same since we moved in the garage.
00:01:14No problem. Good luck on your date.
00:01:17Maybe she'll let you sniff her b***h. It's just dinner, dude.
00:01:24Hey, Mr. B, what you working on over there?
00:01:28Completing the perfect woman. I look forward to meeting her.
00:01:37I already got started. I hope you don't mind. Just need to get my drink on tonight.
00:01:43I like getting your drink on this evening. This is a really beautiful place you picked.
00:01:50I am starving. I'm not getting any horses.
00:01:52That's funny.
00:01:53Let's see, do they have horses? No, no, they have $30 soup, though.
00:01:58So, I feel like I've been totally talking your face off about me.
00:02:08Oh, no.
00:02:09Tell me more about you.
00:02:12I work at a video store.
00:02:15People store at movies?
00:02:18Well, no, actually, that's kind of the problem.
00:02:20I don't know. I think it's kind of sad that people don't go to video stores anymore.
00:02:23It's kind of an Americana sort of thing. I don't know. I'm going...
00:02:27Brandon?
00:02:28Oh, no, I'm Denton.
00:02:29Shaniqua?
00:02:30Danielle!
00:02:31Holy s***, I don't care. Come here, come here.
00:02:36You look f***ing amazing.
00:02:38Thank you. Okay, Brandon, this is Nathan.
00:02:41Denton? On a date with a real girl? Good for you, buddy.
00:02:44It's just like a flying date sort of thing. It's gone bad.
00:02:48Oh, I'm right here.
00:02:49I figured it was.
00:02:50Hey, you know what? I made some improvements to the old...
00:02:52June train if you want to come for like a ride, you know?
00:02:57Maybe in the parking lot.
00:02:59That a girl.
00:03:00Okay, so thank you so much. This has been really great.
00:03:03Yeah.
00:03:04And yeah, good luck with the whole video store job thingy.
00:03:07Bye.
00:03:09Can I cancel my drink?
00:03:14Denton?
00:03:15Whenever you're ready, Chief.
00:03:19It's all over, folks!
00:03:21He f***ed that one up!
00:03:25That was awesome.
00:03:28Dad.
00:03:30Come on.
00:03:31Come on. Let's go to bed, huh?
00:03:35Come on. Let's go to bed.
00:03:37Oh.
00:03:39Oh.
00:03:40So, that was the big date.
00:03:45It was not good. It was not. In fact, it was pretty terrible.
00:03:50Well, life is a series of miserable dates. Oh. Oh.
00:03:57Terrific.
00:03:59Now I'm betting. Jackson Frye.
00:04:03Oh, I got one. Kendra McNulty.
00:04:08Kendra McNulty.
00:04:09She was fine.
00:04:11And she would have got that root.
00:04:13Mmm.
00:04:14That was a goddamn ball!
00:04:17Those f***s paid off the up again.
00:04:19All right, stat me.
00:04:20Well, according to this Dyke Piazza, you're 0 and 4 for the entire day, so it looks like
00:04:25all that money you spent on glare protection is really working out for you.
00:04:28Bullshit.
00:04:29Shit.
00:04:31What the hell is this?
00:04:32Oh, it's a list of all the hottest girls we went to school with.
00:04:36Kendra McNulty?
00:04:37Mmm.
00:04:38Please. You want to talk about fine middle school p***s?
00:04:40Haley Matthews.
00:04:43Oh, yeah.
00:04:44Haley Matthews. Yo, that was the first girl in our grade to have sex, right?
00:04:47Oh, yeah. She sunk a f***ing clock on the eighth grade field trip.
00:04:50No, that was Mikey Milligan.
00:04:52How do you know?
00:04:54Because I was sitting in between them.
00:04:56Oof.
00:04:57I cannot believe you let her do a flyover.
00:04:59Next time a girl tries to do that, air pocket.
00:05:02If I could do it all over again, I would have a vault of Vatch to dive into.
00:05:06They would call me Scrooge McF***.
00:05:08I literally don't think anybody would ever call you that.
00:05:10A couple people might.
00:05:12You guys talking ducktales?
00:05:14Wiggins.
00:05:15Apologies for getting you wet with a cartoon analogy, but can you please not interrupt serious conversations about p***s?
00:05:21Hey, Dem, what do you think?
00:05:22Want to send another one of your ladies out here so we can end this and go home?
00:05:25I got hot yoga.
00:05:26Oh, I'm dead.
00:05:27Wiggins.
00:05:28Get up there and smash the ball down that motherf***er's throat.
00:05:32Will do, coach.
00:05:33Here we go.
00:05:34Do it, Ken Spiffy Jr.
00:05:36Mmm, two for two.
00:05:41Good hustle. Good hustle, Wiggins. Good hustle.
00:05:43Dropping dimes, Brandon.
00:05:45Now, Benny. Wiggins.
00:05:47Come on, dude. Really? You're gonna text during the game?
00:05:50It's called sexting, you f***ing nerd.
00:05:51Oh, yeah? Is it prepaid?
00:05:52No.
00:05:53It's unlimited, like your mom.
00:05:56Right!
00:05:57Shit!
00:05:58Jackson, you gotta chill, dude.
00:06:00Have you forgotten?
00:06:01When old man Lucas shuts down the video store, our team goes with it.
00:06:04Look at that old f*** out there.
00:06:06Rubbing our faces in his s***.
00:06:08Our faces right in his s***.
00:06:10Eddie, honey.
00:06:11I just finished my workout, but I'm gonna go pick up a six pack.
00:06:14We're still watching the game tonight, right?
00:06:15Absolutely, baby.
00:06:16Alright.
00:06:17See you tonight.
00:06:18Love you.
00:06:20I would totally go big on your wife.
00:06:23Strike three!
00:06:24Going down swinging like your girlfriend on my d*** last night.
00:06:27Joke's on you.
00:06:28I don't have a girlfriend.
00:06:30Horribly embarrassing.
00:06:31Bring it in.
00:06:32You guys suck dick.
00:06:33F*** you.
00:06:34F*** you.
00:06:35F*** you.
00:06:36F*** you, madam.
00:06:37F*** you.
00:06:38So what about her?
00:06:39Always have.
00:06:40Always well.
00:06:41Oh!
00:06:42Hey!
00:06:43You checking out my mom's ass, perverts?
00:06:46Yeah.
00:06:47I thought that was your stepmom's ass.
00:06:49F*** you, Jackson.
00:06:50You f***ing Ewok.
00:06:51By the way, I saw your game today.
00:06:520 for 4.
00:06:53Nice.
00:06:54What's this?
00:06:56Hand that to me.
00:06:59You're making a list of all the girls you wish you f***ed in school.
00:07:02That's hilarious, because I have a list of the girls I did f*** in school.
00:07:04Search your scene.
00:07:05It's a big f***ing list.
00:07:06Hey, Denton could f*** every girl on that list.
00:07:08Wait, wait.
00:07:09I'll let the man speak.
00:07:10No, no, no, no.
00:07:11You think Denton could get through this whole list?
00:07:12Every name?
00:07:13Could you do that, Denton?
00:07:14What?
00:07:15I didn't say anything.
00:07:16Maybe her-
00:07:17God, I smell a bet coming on.
00:07:18I wish any of you f***ers had anything of value.
00:07:20Anything.
00:07:21I'd drain you for every penny.
00:07:23In the meantime, we got a train to catch.
00:07:27Enjoy tickling each other's f***ies, ladies.
00:07:29Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot.
00:07:37Willp, willp.
00:07:38I've got a dangerous feeling.
00:07:44Whew, this place is jumping.
00:07:46How do you have any movies left?
00:07:47What's up guys, how are you doing?
00:07:49Good, we're just doing some man stuff around the corner.
00:07:52Figured we'd stop by and say what's up.
00:07:54What's up?
00:07:55Are we still on for Taco Tuesdays?
00:07:57God.
00:07:58Yes, please.
00:07:59Nice.
00:08:00Any chance we can push that up a little bit?
00:08:01I have a training session tonight.
00:08:03A training sesh?
00:08:04Yeah.
00:08:05Short for session.
00:08:06Okay.
00:08:07Who are you training tonight?
00:08:08I haven't decided yet.
00:08:10Hi.
00:08:11Hey.
00:08:12How's it going?
00:08:13How's it going?
00:08:14Yeah.
00:08:15Why don't you smell that?
00:08:18Smell it.
00:08:20What does that smell like to you?
00:08:22Kind of like envelope glue?
00:08:23Smells like a sweaty asshole.
00:08:26Here.
00:08:27Try this one.
00:08:31Dude, all of your movies smell like a fucking asshole.
00:08:33Smells like a bottle.
00:08:35Really?
00:08:36Now my player smells like a fucking asshole.
00:08:38You guys sitting on this shit?
00:08:41Delivery for Lucas Gourmet condoms.
00:08:44You know what?
00:08:45Actually, that goes across the street to the company over there.
00:08:48They're not getting stuff here until the end of the summer.
00:08:50Those fuckers are getting packages here already?
00:08:52I don't give two shits.
00:08:53This is what it says on the package.
00:08:55This is where I'm dropping it.
00:08:56Hey.
00:08:57Why don't you smell this thing?
00:08:59What does it smell like to you?
00:09:01Smells like wet, dirty assholes.
00:09:05What the fuck are you guys doing here?
00:09:06Den?
00:09:07What's up?
00:09:08Hi.
00:09:09Brr...
00:09:10Denise.
00:09:11That was close.
00:09:12You almost had it.
00:09:13Sorry.
00:09:14Um, you guys are actually already having packages delivered to the video store.
00:09:15Oh, sorry.
00:09:16Denise!
00:09:17Yeah.
00:09:18Oh, one sec.
00:09:19Uh-huh.
00:09:20Okay.
00:09:21I'll send him back.
00:09:22Hey!
00:09:23Yes.
00:09:24Mr. Lucas wants to see you.
00:09:25He's in Brandon's office.
00:09:26Okay, just right around the corner.
00:09:27Oh, uh, how does he know I'm here?
00:09:28Cause they're watching.
00:09:29And you have your Taco Tuesday with your friends later at La Cabana.
00:09:33How did you know that?
00:09:34Good luck with the old man.
00:09:35Okay?
00:09:36It'll be fine.
00:09:37Okay.
00:09:38It'll be fine.
00:09:39Okay.
00:09:40Okay.
00:09:41Okay.
00:09:42Okay.
00:09:43Okay.
00:09:44I'll send him back.
00:09:45Hey!
00:09:46Yes.
00:09:47Mr. Lucas wants to see you.
00:09:48He's in Brandon's office.
00:09:49Okay.
00:09:50Just right around the corner.
00:09:51Oh, uh, how does he know I'm here?
00:09:52Cause they're watching.
00:09:53And you have your Taco Tuesday with your friends later at La Cabana.
00:09:56How did you know that?
00:09:57It's supposed to taste good not to prevent herpes or anything for Christ's sake.
00:10:01Hey!
00:10:02Denton!
00:10:03What's up, man?
00:10:04Oh, I meant to say congratulations on f***ing Danielle.
00:10:06That's awesome.
00:10:07Oh, I didn't...
00:10:08I didn't...
00:10:09I'm sorry.
00:10:10No, no, no.
00:10:11That was me.
00:10:12I f***ed twice.
00:10:13We filmed it, actually.
00:10:14Uh, what was the movie called?
00:10:15Oh, uh, The Great Train Blowjobbery.
00:10:16Give me all your cunny beans!
00:10:18Um, did Danielle know that you were filming her?
00:10:20What are you, f***ing stupid?
00:10:21Like we asked permission to film her?
00:10:23Train porno.
00:10:24It's the world's fastest growing fetish.
00:10:26We're the Lucas and Serge Berger of the genre.
00:10:28Shag Hard Express.
00:10:29Missionary Possible.
00:10:30Me Hard on the Orient Express.
00:10:32Uh, Trains, Planes and Cock is your meal.
00:10:34F***ing classics, bro.
00:10:35Amen, sister.
00:10:36Tell him Mr. Lucas said, f*** you.
00:10:39Didn't.
00:10:40I just came by.
00:10:43It's a big day, man.
00:10:45After my ground-breaking career in the flavored Jimmy biz, I'll be retiring at the end of the summer.
00:10:51So Brandon's your new point person in regards to the takeover.
00:10:55I want my product in that bullshit video store within 90 days.
00:11:00Yes, sir.
00:11:01We've started our move out and we will be out on time.
00:11:04You damn well better.
00:11:05You know, you should've just closed that shithole today.
00:11:08I mean, what the hell have you wasted your whole damn life for in there?
00:11:11Well, uh, it means something to me, sir.
00:11:15I can remember all of the best times growing up going to that video store.
00:11:22I made all my best friends there.
00:11:24And I know people don't rent at a video store anymore.
00:11:27I know that's kind of in the past.
00:11:30But it's made me who I am.
00:11:34A huge p***y.
00:11:35Oh, shit.
00:11:36You don't win the low, dawg.
00:11:37All right, all right.
00:11:40Son, you're either a born loser or a winner.
00:11:44Take Brandon here.
00:11:47The day his mama shit him out of her f***ing joke.
00:11:51God rest her soul.
00:11:53He hit the ground in the winter.
00:11:54Now, Sergio, on the other hand.
00:11:56I'm a real f*** up.
00:11:58Hon, let me tell you what success is.
00:12:03You see, I wake up in the morning.
00:12:06I slam me down a Red Bull and some vodka.
00:12:09Go clubbing with some young Pung.
00:12:12Take me some Biagis.
00:12:13And at the end of the night, squeeze me some of the finest little young Tatas money can buy.
00:12:21They're very big.
00:12:23You see, I can smell success.
00:12:31Just like the old man on a friggin' whiff of it on you.
00:12:36You know what?
00:12:38If he's your old man.
00:12:40That's barbecue flavor.
00:12:41That's his favorite.
00:12:43Give him something.
00:12:46Anything.
00:12:48As far as you two, don't forget.
00:12:50Promotional party tonight.
00:12:52Peppermint Zebra.
00:12:53First lap dances on me.
00:12:55Yeah, daddy.
00:12:56The second lap dances on me, too.
00:13:01Honey, it's one o'clock.
00:13:03It's time for our couple's mani-pedi.
00:13:06Hi, dad.
00:13:07Hi, Kirsten.
00:13:08Hey, it's Mrs. Lucas to you.
00:13:09Mm-hmm.
00:13:11Manny-pedi-heading.
00:13:12Here we go.
00:13:13Woo!
00:13:16Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:13:17Baker.
00:13:18Where the fuck do you think you're going?
00:13:19Sit down.
00:13:20Um, are you, are you done being mean to me?
00:13:24I've got a present for you.
00:13:28It's a go, bitch.
00:13:30You tell your little butt buddies over there at that stupid video store that the CEO of Lucas's Gourmet Condom signed off on everything.
00:13:36Rosenberg's screwed up in, uh, legal.
00:13:38He's a Jew, so I assume it's binding and everything.
00:13:40You know?
00:13:41I'm gonna watch you fail, and I'm gonna love every second of it.
00:13:44Every.
00:13:46Damn.
00:13:48Second.
00:13:50Of it.
00:13:54Is that, did you, can I go now?
00:13:56Get the fuck out of here.
00:13:58Let the games begin!
00:14:01Cocksmoke!
00:14:02Better.
00:14:09What the hell was this?!
00:14:12There he is!
00:14:14That, you lucky motherfucker, is a legal and binding document.
00:14:17That's right, me and Jackson sat down with Lucas's legal team this morning and hammered out all the details.
00:14:22I have to sleep with twelve girls this summer or the Lucases get my house?
00:14:25Well, you're renting out your house.
00:14:27That asshole, Bob.
00:14:28Technically, you live in the garage.
00:14:30What are you guys, lawyers now?
00:14:31Huh?
00:14:32Well, I actually had a lawyer look over the details.
00:14:40Hello, officers of Charles McD.
00:14:42And he may or may not be my uncle.
00:14:44Uh, kind of contract.
00:14:46My contract?
00:14:47Um.
00:14:48Uh.
00:14:50Yeah.
00:14:51Yeah.
00:14:52You're good, man.
00:14:53You're good.
00:14:54But don't worry, man.
00:14:55We did all the legwork for you.
00:15:00Oh, my God.
00:15:02That, my friend, is nine of your school crushes.
00:15:06You actually picked out most of them yourself.
00:15:09Wait, what are the two empty slots for?
00:15:11Oh, you get to pick the two wildcard bitches.
00:15:13That's right.
00:15:14As long as we can prove you went to school with them, you can decide whoever you want.
00:15:18Well, now I think it's time for a celebratory shake.
00:15:20Gentlemen?
00:15:21You guys?
00:15:22100% all right.
00:15:23Thanks, though.
00:15:24What the fuck's going on here?
00:15:26Sorry, Bob.
00:15:27Sorry is right, you sorry motherfuckers.
00:15:30What's those white bitches doing on the wall?
00:15:32Oh, these are all the girls that Denton went to school with.
00:15:35Yeah, he's gonna fuck him.
00:15:36He's gonna fuck him?
00:15:37That guy is gonna fuck him?
00:15:38He's gonna fuck him?
00:15:39He's gonna get fucked.
00:15:40You don't necessarily have to sleep with him.
00:15:42Oh, no.
00:15:43You just gotta bust a fat.
00:15:44It doesn't matter how.
00:15:45Uh, handy, beach, missionary.
00:15:47Hello.
00:15:48Old country, doggy, bukkake.
00:15:50Gangbang, facial, 69.
00:15:53Come dump truck, shitty kitty.
00:15:54Oh, I like that one.
00:15:56Shitty kitty.
00:15:57Shitty kitty.
00:15:58Siberian jizz-sicle.
00:15:59You know what I like?
00:16:00Nigerian cocksicle.
00:16:02That's what I like.
00:16:03To drill the shit out your big dry asses.
00:16:06Bye, Bob.
00:16:07Thanks.
00:16:09That's right.
00:16:10We just need to have solid evidence of each hookup.
00:16:12Guys, I can't do this.
00:16:13This is your chance, D.
00:16:15Your biological conch is ticking, man.
00:16:17Dude, if you do this, you get 100% of the Lucas Gourmet Condom Company.
00:16:22You get everything.
00:16:23All associated properties and holdings.
00:16:25The video store stays open, and we can still play ball.
00:16:29You can't lose the team, D.
00:16:32Jackson might kill himself.
00:16:34And after what Mr. Lucas did to your dad.
00:16:39Think about it.
00:16:41Yeah.
00:16:51Hey, champ.
00:16:52Oh, hey, Mr. Blosky.
00:16:53How you doing?
00:16:54Hey, kid.
00:16:55Hi.
00:16:56Is your dad home?
00:16:58Nope.
00:16:59Don't think he's...
00:17:00No.
00:17:01Uh, is everything okay?
00:17:02No.
00:17:03No.
00:17:04Your dad's been, uh...
00:17:07He's been stealing my son's Legos.
00:17:11What?
00:17:12Are you sure?
00:17:13I've been picking them up all day.
00:17:15Legos.
00:17:16From my house to your house.
00:17:19He's, uh...
00:17:20He's had a rough go of it.
00:17:21Well, I think he's getting worse.
00:17:22Fuck.
00:17:23Maybe those assholes are right.
00:17:26Fuck yeah we are.
00:17:27Get up, man.
00:17:28You got chicks to do.
00:17:29What is Scott Quaker doing up there?
00:17:30What is Scott Quaker doing up there?
00:17:31You're gonna laugh at this.
00:17:32He's actually one of your dates.
00:17:33No!
00:17:34No, no.
00:17:35Okay, look, for two of the dates you only have to kiss.
00:17:36It's supposed to be 12 girls.
00:17:37You and Snot Shaker were inseparable in the third grade.
00:17:38Everybody knows you had a crush on him.
00:17:39Lucas wouldn't budge.
00:17:40I didn't have a crush on whom.
00:17:41Lucas didn't, I didn't have a crush.
00:17:42I didn't have a crush on him.
00:17:43Everybody a joke.
00:17:44Are you old to tell
00:17:56you've been going to that then, you were going to get in?
00:17:58I ended up...
00:17:59I ended up smart games.
00:18:04Lucas wouldn't budge.
00:18:05I didn't have a crush on him.
00:18:06Listen, guys didn't even like girls in the third grade.
00:18:08I loved you in the third grade.
00:18:10Ask Wiggins.
00:18:11Yeah.
00:18:12That's pretty gross.
00:18:13Here's the dossier for your first date.
00:18:15We picked the sluttiest one first.
00:18:17Seventh grade.
00:18:18Hayley Matthews?
00:18:19I haven't even talked to her in like 15 years.
00:18:21Surprise again!
00:18:23You've actually been talking to her all day, online.
00:18:26We told you to ride a Harley, though, because she's into bad boys.
00:18:29You sold me as a bad boy to Hayley Matthews?
00:18:31How am I actually going to impress a girl like that?
00:18:33This Denton clearly isn't doing the trick.
00:18:36Fuck no.
00:18:37But, I mean, what's wrong with me?
00:18:39I'm fine, right?
00:18:40Okay, I guess I'll start.
00:18:42You don't put any product in your hair?
00:18:46You're always talking about bands that no one's ever heard of?
00:18:48Like, I'm sorry guys, but who the fuck is Black Sabbath?
00:18:51Yeah, man.
00:18:53You live in a garage.
00:18:55Wiggins, you live in a garage with me.
00:18:58Oh, yeah.
00:19:00You're gonna have to shave your shaft.
00:19:03Your taint.
00:19:04Your grundle.
00:19:05Your satchel page, man.
00:19:07You gotta be as bald as a Scandinavian turtle.
00:19:09It's gonna fucking shine.
00:19:10I gotta see my face in your right nut, man.
00:19:13Look, I'm dressed like a Crip stepfather right now.
00:19:16Does it matter?
00:19:17No.
00:19:18Because I'm confident.
00:19:20You just gotta be confident in who you are.
00:19:22Or, in this case, who you are not.
00:19:30Look, man.
00:19:32I get it.
00:19:33You're in a rut.
00:19:35Are you gonna do something about it?
00:19:37If you're not gonna do it for you?
00:19:48Alright, let's do it.
00:19:49Nice.
00:19:50Fuck yeah.
00:20:07Hi.
00:20:08Uh...
00:20:09I'm sorry.
00:20:10Is this 264 Pacific?
00:20:12Tintin.
00:20:13Hey, girlie.
00:20:14What's your name is?
00:20:15Ass so fab, but that waist so framish.
00:20:17It's all goody as long as I get a woody.
00:20:19You can pack, pack, put your neck all baby.
00:20:21In Plan Davis.
00:20:22Hi.
00:20:23Hi.
00:20:24Hailey.
00:20:25You look so great.
00:20:26You...
00:20:27You look...
00:20:28I can't tell.
00:20:29I know, right?
00:20:30I mean, who would've thought?
00:20:31Not me.
00:20:36Where's your Harley?
00:20:37Uh...
00:20:38Yeah, it's in the shop.
00:20:40No.
00:20:41Seat's broken.
00:20:43Uh...
00:20:44What?
00:20:45We're all ready to go.
00:20:46Oui.
00:20:47Let me tell you what can happen when
00:20:59You give all your friends a standing invitation
00:21:03I got a loft on down down
00:21:09It used to be mine
00:21:13It's nothing but noise and drag
00:21:14People sleeping everywhere
00:21:17I got a gift by the green town
00:21:20It's nothing I'm going to be
00:21:23When it comes every day
00:21:25We're on rocks tonight, baby!
00:21:42My therapist thought it would be a good idea if I had a major life change, so here I am.
00:21:46Wow, this is a big one.
00:21:49Yeah, I started a pretty sweet softball team with my buddies. My dad's building a woman out of Legos.
00:22:02I sell my sperm at a sperm bank.
00:22:07I thought you were a cage fighter.
00:22:09Yeah, here's the interesting part of the story.
00:22:15Well, the best part of the story is coming right now. I was living in this apartment and there was this old Asian handyman who taught me to paint fences and wash cars and stuff like that.
00:22:25So, um, but you know what? I was like, this sucks. Being a teen with problems in no direction, this is not the life I want. But you know, turns out he was a martial arts master and he taught me a few things.
00:22:44He was a blond kid with feathered hair giving me a rash of shit and I was like, let's enter a tournament together of karate.
00:23:01And I, I crank kicked him in the face. And that sort of thing just, you know, naturally leads to cage fighting.
00:23:10That's so cool.
00:23:13Yeah.
00:23:14What's your finishing move?
00:23:16Hmm? Finishing, finishing move is the head butt to the nuts.
00:23:24Yeah, get a handful of those nards and I just boom, boom, boom, boom, six or seven times.
00:23:30Wow.
00:23:32So, um, you have a girlfriend or a wife or something?
00:23:38Nah, I don't need the ag, you know? Yeah. Yeah, it's just my chopper, cage, and tats.
00:23:47Tattoos?
00:23:48Yep. Yep, yeah, it's a full back piece. Yeah, hours of work. It's a Yakuza tattoo.
00:23:54Yeah, but instead of a samurai, it's Arnold Schwarzenegger.
00:23:58S-squat thrusting. Mars.
00:24:02Oh, I've got to see that.
00:24:06I can't, baby. No, I can't do it.
00:24:08What?
00:24:09Yeah, it melted off in the explosion when I was escaping the state pen.
00:24:13Oh, my God. That is so...
00:24:16Oh, yeah.
00:24:18Yeah.
00:24:19Oh.
00:24:21What?
00:24:22The sisters warned me this could happen.
00:24:25What, what, what could happen?
00:24:28Huh?
00:24:31Oh.
00:24:32Sisters.
00:24:33I will never forget the time we've spent together.
00:24:39your life lessons and blessings will stay with me all the days of my life unfortunately
00:24:46the exorcism performed on my devil has failed
00:24:51i want you to me to like tap out holy shit hallelujah hallelujah
00:25:0611 ago boys yes nice details details it was unreal she did like porno stuff of course butthole
00:25:29oh yes oh butthole butthole butthole butthole butthole butthole butthole butthole yeah
00:25:43ow it's everywhere i would tongue kiss leo dicaprio what are you saying he has supple lips
00:25:50it's possible that whenever he's dead straight up now tell me did you really
00:25:57claptrap matthews that's disgusting i hope you double bagged it man but because i'm a gentleman
00:26:02and a scholar i got you a little present rain jimmies on this bitch come on just stop it
00:26:11hey grandma's i want to keep it
00:26:14hashtag blessed hashtag clean these up you idiot
00:26:22wiggins hand me a condo
00:26:24brussels sprouts or thai sweet chili
00:26:30thai sweet chili
00:26:44welcome to church gentlemen
00:26:47oh remember ed said uh smart girls want to be hot and hot girls want to be smart
00:26:55fuck is that though he's home with his wife
00:27:04welcome to steve candy
00:27:08you must be really good at math to be able to count up all those ones
00:27:12oh yeah i guess i mean it can be really hard to keep track of especially if people throw in fives when
00:27:19they really like me that's a valid point did you want to get a lap dance if they're two for one right
00:27:26now that means that you get two lap dances but you only pay for one wow you are good at math
00:27:33that's yeah i would i would love one i've just received news from the other side
00:27:53oh the dark lord has special instructions for us oh how's he doing
00:27:59he's well and says thank you for asking oh you're welcome
00:28:07you're welcome
00:28:12i'm i'm i'm getting a message from the dark lord himself right now
00:28:15what news does he bring
00:28:22he says that we should consummate our unholy treat on this on hallowed ground this very eve
00:28:29he does yes yes he does
00:28:37then you must be the chosen one i am i'm totally that guy
00:28:41then we must commence this ritual immediately okay here put this on
00:28:46the neighbors are always complaining about the noise it'll just take a minute
00:28:49oh don't worry it only hurts a little bit
00:29:19oh
00:29:40ready
00:29:42ready
00:29:46let's go
00:29:49Carly! Carly! Carly! Hey!
00:30:06No!
00:30:13No!
00:30:17Come on!
00:30:19He's gonna get out of the way!
00:30:22Hey, can I get out of the way?
00:30:25Hey, can I get out of the way?
00:30:28That's a big dragon, huh?
00:30:38He has big sharp teeth.
00:30:41What does he say?
00:30:43Rah!
00:30:46Excuse me, sir? Can I help you with something?
00:30:49Oh, no, I'm just checking out this hot check.
00:30:52Oh, you know what? No, no, I love kids!
00:30:55Hey!
00:31:00Hey!
00:31:01Hi!
00:31:02Oh, my God!
00:31:04Denton?
00:31:05Oh, my God!
00:31:06Denton Baker?
00:31:07What?
00:31:08From Abrams Elementary, right?
00:31:09Yeah!
00:31:10Brandon Morrison!
00:31:11Look at, wow!
00:31:12You got tall?
00:31:14You're, you're big.
00:31:16Uh, God, that is crazy.
00:31:19I can't believe you still hang out with those guys.
00:31:22What is Jackson up to?
00:31:24Uh, Jackson thinks he's a personal trainer.
00:31:28Wait, what?!
00:31:30Yeah, yeah.
00:31:31He got in shape?
00:31:32No.
00:31:33No, he did not.
00:31:34He just, uh, he works the graveyard shift at the 24-hour gym.
00:31:37So, like, one person comes in and he's like,
00:31:39Oh, I'm personally training you.
00:31:41Okay, that makes more sense.
00:31:42Yeah.
00:31:43What about you?
00:31:45What have you been up to?
00:31:46Where are you working now?
00:31:47Um, I, uh, I got into cage fighting.
00:31:52Really?
00:31:53Cage?
00:31:54Mm-hmm.
00:31:55Like, like, going?
00:31:56No, you didn't.
00:31:58Seriously, where are you working now?
00:32:00Uh, actually, I'm in the movie business.
00:32:03That's even worse than cage fighting!
00:32:05Yeah, well, it's kind of true.
00:32:07I, I still work at, uh, Video Fun Time.
00:32:10Really?
00:32:11Still?
00:32:12Yeah.
00:32:13Well, not for much longer, actually, because the Lucases bought out the building.
00:32:17For their gourmet condom business.
00:32:19That is, that's disgusting.
00:32:22Yeah.
00:32:23Um, well, this is me.
00:32:27So, um, super cool bumping into you nothing.
00:32:33Uh, you know what?
00:32:36Would you want to continue this conversation sometime?
00:32:41Nope.
00:32:42Is that a, what is it?
00:32:45Yes!
00:32:46Oh, okay.
00:32:47Yeah, I would love to catch up some more.
00:32:48Cool, cool.
00:32:49Uh, how, how, how's eight tonight?
00:32:51Is that...
00:32:52Uh, yeah!
00:32:53Sure!
00:32:54We can, um, we can get that cup of coffee.
00:32:57Cool.
00:32:58Here, let me, um...
00:33:07Meet me here.
00:33:12Stop looking at my car, man.
00:33:14I'm not.
00:33:15You're peeing on the bathroom side.
00:33:16I'm doing dishes on the right side.
00:33:19Where the fuck have you been?
00:33:21Well, I'm sorry, Schwarzkopf.
00:33:22I was busy playing stalker at the daycare.
00:33:24In fact, I'm lucky I didn't get arrested.
00:33:26What?
00:33:27Oh, yeah, that Morrison chick.
00:33:28How's she looking nowadays?
00:33:29Ah, great.
00:33:30Yeah, she seems really cool, too.
00:33:33Yeah?
00:33:34How'd you hit that?
00:33:35H.J.?
00:33:36No.
00:33:37I did not.
00:33:38Your B.J.?
00:33:39No.
00:33:40F.J.?
00:33:41Did you get one of those F.J.'s in there?
00:33:42I didn't get an F.J.
00:33:43I didn't have quite the time that I needed.
00:33:45I couldn't close the deal.
00:33:46But right now, I'm actually going to see Amanda.
00:33:48Wait, but this is a mandatory meeting.
00:33:50You can do this one without me.
00:33:51I swear to God, you're doing amazing work.
00:33:53Goodbye!
00:33:54Remember, to be the man, you have to beat off the man.
00:33:57It's beat the man.
00:33:58If you want to be the man, you have to beat the man.
00:34:01You don't want to beat him off.
00:34:03Yeah.
00:34:04But do you remember that story that you got up in front of the entire second grade class and you read it out loud to everybody?
00:34:12Yeah.
00:34:13Wow, I can't believe you remember that.
00:34:14Of course I do.
00:34:15Donny the Lucky Donkey.
00:34:17Actually, it was Donny the Down on his Luck Donkey.
00:34:24How did you never get married?
00:34:26Well, my dad was in the Coast Guard, so we moved around a lot when I was a kid.
00:34:30And then, I guess after I got my teaching degree, I carried on the family tradition.
00:34:35So you're saying you're a gypsy?
00:34:36No, I'm not a gypsy.
00:34:38Sounds like what a gypsy would say.
00:34:40No, my girlfriends are all getting married and having kids and I'm just happy that I finally found a place to settle down and write.
00:34:47Oh, you're a writer?
00:34:48Well, I'm writing a book. It's a self-help book about how parents aren't really instilling enough self-confidence in their kids and the effect that it has on them later on in their adult lives.
00:35:01What about you?
00:35:03It's hard to go out and date when you're living in a garage with your dad.
00:35:08Oh, that's hysterical.
00:35:13Oh God, you're really serious.
00:35:16Uh, kind of.
00:35:18How did that happen? God, I thought your dad was a successful inventor.
00:35:22Well, he was until his greatest invention was stolen out from right underneath him.
00:35:27What was it?
00:35:28Gourmet condom?
00:35:30No.
00:35:31Mm-hmm.
00:35:32Wait, how did your dad even come up with the idea for a gourmet condom in the first place?
00:35:37I don't want to do this. See, we're having coffee. It's a really wonderful time. I don't want to screw it.
00:35:41Oh, come on!
00:35:42I can't go back. You know, once I say it, it can't be unsaid.
00:35:45Okay, bring it on. Let's go. Gross me out.
00:35:47Well, before I was born, my parents went on this kind of zany, wacky diet where they couldn't eat anything after midnight.
00:35:53My mom goes off to the other room to put on something a little more comfortable.
00:35:57My dad, seeing this as an opportunity to cheat on the diet, grabs barbecue chicken wing and starts mowing down on him.
00:36:03The fray of all this, he gets the chicken drippings all over his junk.
00:36:09My mom sneaks in, surprised the hell out of him.
00:36:14Phillip, you taste delicious.
00:36:16His wheels started turning and the rest is history.
00:36:19My dad doesn't know how to balance a checkbook, let alone run a company, so Mr. Lucas offers his help.
00:36:24In the interim, my mom gets sick.
00:36:26Lucas says, you know what, don't worry about it. While you're gone, I will get this business started and running.
00:36:32So we're watching TV a couple weeks later.
00:36:34There's an ad for Lucas's gourmet condoms.
00:36:38Didn't you guys get a lawyer? Anything?
00:36:40We got a lawyer, we tried to do all that, but my dad didn't have any copyrights.
00:36:43He didn't have any proof, like solid evidence.
00:36:45From then on, it's just been this, uh, downward spiral.
00:36:49Oh my god, that is so fucked up!
00:36:52But you know what, this actually would make a really great example for my book.
00:36:57Hear me out, your complete and utter lack of self-confidence has led you to be not only jobless, but homeless and girl-less as well.
00:37:07Oh my god, thank you!
00:37:09No, seriously!
00:37:11The only thing that you are lacking is testicular fortitude!
00:37:15What are you talking about?
00:37:16Balls, Denton!
00:37:18Look, I am, I am, I'm very confident.
00:37:22Really?
00:37:23Uh, oh, oh, hi, I'm Denton.
00:37:26Would you maybe, like, wanna, I don't know, go on a coffee date with me?
00:37:30Even though all I'm gonna do is drink peppermint tea.
00:37:32That was a C-minus impression, at best.
00:37:35Oh, really?
00:37:36What is this pussy-ass drink?
00:37:38It's filled with antioxidants and fights cervical cancer.
00:37:42So you look kinda dumb right now.
00:37:44Look, this is gonna be the summer that I change your life.
00:37:48And I get to document it in my book.
00:37:51Help, I have the balls of an eight-year-old.
00:37:54Elegant, yet sexy.
00:37:57I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
00:37:58You think about it.
00:37:59I'll be back.
00:38:00Scream that title again?
00:38:01What was it?
00:38:02Shut up!
00:38:03Denton!
00:38:04You're my fucking hero, man.
00:38:07It's been an honor watching you fight your kill tonight.
00:38:09Uh...
00:38:10I know you're gonna fuck these hot bitches.
00:38:14Mmm.
00:38:15Shhh.
00:38:16How?
00:38:17How do you know about that?
00:38:18Sensei Jackson didn't tell you about me?
00:38:20I'm his star pupil, man.
00:38:22Remember a couple years back when that guy had to be cut out of his house?
00:38:25Yeah.
00:38:26That was me.
00:38:27I weighed 750 fucking pounds.
00:38:30I had to prop my titties up on a towel rack just to dry them off.
00:38:34That's about when Sensei Jackson found me.
00:38:37He put me on a grueling training reg.
00:38:40Had me sucking on his sweet, delicious power shakes.
00:38:44He fucking saved my life, man.
00:38:46The dude is a saint.
00:38:48Hey, you autographed the fuck.
00:38:49Go!
00:38:50Hey!
00:38:53Uh...
00:38:54Wanna get out of here?
00:38:55Yes.
00:38:56Let's.
00:38:59Hope you two had a great night!
00:39:01You're the shit, dude!
00:39:03The shit!
00:39:04Free video.
00:39:05Free video.
00:39:06Free video.
00:39:07Free video.
00:39:08Free video.
00:39:09Wiggins.
00:39:10Wiggins.
00:39:11Wiggins.
00:39:12Wait, who's that for?
00:39:13Me.
00:39:14Free video.
00:39:15Free video.
00:39:16You work here.
00:39:17Why would you...
00:39:18No, wait.
00:39:19One of your crushes is coming.
00:39:20Who?
00:39:21D-Man!
00:39:22What's up, dog?
00:39:23See if you're my bro.
00:39:24So, uh...
00:39:25New release day.
00:39:26Talk to me.
00:39:27Any new jizz flicks drop?
00:39:29Everything new's in the back, Scott.
00:39:31Alright, sweet.
00:39:32I'll be back in a sec.
00:39:33Cause it only takes me a minute to sin it.
00:39:35You remember now.
00:39:36Come on.
00:39:37He seems like a power top.
00:39:39You into that?
00:39:40Yes.
00:39:41Wiggins.
00:39:42Dude, I'm not fucking up with the dude.
00:39:43Dude.
00:39:44Okay, well first of all, if you did, I'm a good enough friend that I wouldn't tell anybody.
00:39:48Second of all, all you have to do is give him a little bit of tongue and just...
00:39:51I'm not gonna do it, man.
00:39:52I don't care.
00:39:53Jackson's gonna have to figure this out.
00:39:54I'm not gonna do it.
00:39:55I'll lose the whole bet.
00:39:56I don't care.
00:39:57Hey, what bet you boys talking about?
00:39:58Nothing.
00:39:59Nothing.
00:40:00Alright, fuck it.
00:40:01Hey, MMA.
00:40:02I got my porno.
00:40:03I'm ready to jack and jack off.
00:40:05Right there.
00:40:06Hit me.
00:40:07That's pretty literal.
00:40:08Okay, we got Ben Hur.
00:40:10Citizen Kane.
00:40:11Woodfellas.
00:40:12Deep Impact.
00:40:13Oh, no.
00:40:14Actually, this one's not a porno.
00:40:16Did you know that?
00:40:17I'm a pervert.
00:40:18Not an idiot.
00:40:19Scott, man.
00:40:20I can't wrench you these.
00:40:22You've had Stopper my mom almost squirt out for two years.
00:40:25Man, well, dang.
00:40:26You're my brother.
00:40:27You know the last decade's been a bit of a butt for me.
00:40:30You know, my MMA career was going great.
00:40:32Then I got busted from being on the juice and cycled off to lose the titties.
00:40:36And then I started to get my ass kicked real bad and tap out on the dream.
00:40:41Listen, okay.
00:40:42You can rent these, but you gotta bring them back before the store closes.
00:40:45Okay, man?
00:40:46You have my word.
00:40:47As a retired man of the cage, I will bring these back safely.
00:40:52Knock on my wood.
00:40:53He's full of those, isn't he?
00:40:56Hey, Denise.
00:40:57Hi.
00:40:58You know what these packages keep getting sent over the video store?
00:41:00I'm sorry.
00:41:01It's just those guys messing with you, I'm sure.
00:41:03Sure is, motherfucker.
00:41:04Boom, bitch!
00:41:05The camera says not in my house.
00:41:08Hey, sir, do you want to go old school on this little baby pussy?
00:41:10Yeah.
00:41:11Hey, guys, come on.
00:41:12No, no, no, no, no.
00:41:13Get back here.
00:41:14Oh, did you feel good?
00:41:16Higher.
00:41:17Higher.
00:41:18Hey.
00:41:19Hey.
00:41:20No wonder you had four girls.
00:41:21You're wearing boxer shorts.
00:41:23Bitches love briefs now.
00:41:24Come on, man.
00:41:25We're going to HM.
00:41:26We'll buy you some.
00:41:27Clean this shit up, Denise.
00:41:28Yeah.
00:41:29Clean this shit up, Denise.
00:41:30Oh, Denton, I'm so sorry.
00:41:32Let me help you.
00:41:33Oh, thanks.
00:41:34Oh, you know, Denton, we had homeroom together.
00:41:39That's right, in 11th grade.
00:41:41Yeah.
00:41:42Yeah.
00:41:43So, um, I'm going to take my 15-minute break now.
00:41:47Oh, yeah, okay.
00:41:48Yeah.
00:41:49And that's just enough time for me to .
00:41:52What now?
00:42:00Bring it up.
00:42:01Let's dig deep.
00:42:02Dig it.
00:42:03Dig it.
00:42:04Let's get it.
00:42:05Let's get it, you little bitches.
00:42:06Come on, Grandpa.
00:42:07Pick it up.
00:42:08Pick it up, Wilfred.
00:42:09I am number one.
00:42:10You're right.
00:42:11Here we go.
00:42:12Jesus Christ, man.
00:42:13Calm down.
00:42:14What, are you rushing the floods in the crypts, dude?
00:42:16I'm wearing both colors to signify unity.
00:42:18Oh.
00:42:19That's kind of cool.
00:42:20Come on, Grandpa.
00:42:21You can do it.
00:42:22So, uh, funny bit of news.
00:42:24I just got surprise fellatio from the receptionist that works at Lucas.
00:42:28Denise Davids?
00:42:29Yes.
00:42:30Oh, shit.
00:42:31You are so screwed.
00:42:32What?
00:42:33World-class psycho stalker.
00:42:36You know, in school, when those girls made those origami things to predict who their soulmate was?
00:42:40Yeah.
00:42:41She rigged her.
00:42:42Rigged the fucking thing, dude.
00:42:44Gross.
00:42:45Yeah, she had one of those things where, like, you know when one person loves another person,
00:42:50like, a lot, but the other person loves the other person more than that?
00:42:54She got a restraining order against her.
00:42:56Okay.
00:42:57Okay.
00:42:58She's nuts for real.
00:42:59You.
00:43:00She had her dog baptized.
00:43:04Hello?
00:43:11Gotcha.
00:43:12Uh, you reach the voicemail of Denton.
00:43:16Leave a message.
00:43:17Wow.
00:43:21Not convincing.
00:43:22I didn't do a good job at all.
00:43:24No.
00:43:30No one's home.
00:43:34Oh, god.
00:43:35There's a smell.
00:43:41Huh.
00:43:42Zenton, Zenton, Zenton, you've been busy, girl.
00:43:45Hey, Serge, go wet that bed.
00:43:47All right.
00:43:50Think the tall fuck's got it in him?
00:43:52Nah.
00:43:53I'm gonna piss on top.
00:43:57What the fuck's going on here?
00:43:58Who the fuck are you?
00:43:59What are you doing here?
00:44:00Tell him what we're doing here.
00:44:01We broke in.
00:44:03Obvious, yes, you're fucking breaking.
00:44:05Can I talk to you?
00:44:06I got this, baby.
00:44:07Can you come here a little bit?
00:44:08Nah.
00:44:09Are you fucking sure?
00:44:10Whoa, dog!
00:44:11He's got a knife!
00:44:12Yeah, I see that.
00:44:13It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
00:44:14Well, why are you here?
00:44:15I need information about this bet.
00:44:16I want to ruin their lives, all right?
00:44:18I hate Denton.
00:44:19I hate them, too.
00:44:20Good, good.
00:44:21Maybe there's a way we both get what we want.
00:44:24Two blowjobs.
00:44:26He's such a mother.
00:44:28Here's the deal.
00:44:29I need information about this bet.
00:44:31Every time you find something out, you give me a call,
00:44:34I give you cash.
00:44:42I present to you, Sarah Dawn Samuels.
00:44:51Wow.
00:44:52What is she doing here?
00:44:54Well, auditioning for reality TV all day.
00:44:56Only time she has to work out is at night.
00:45:01During my shift.
00:45:04I'm her personal trainer, so to speak.
00:45:06We've spent some time together.
00:45:09Through all that bonding, I've learned her deepest desires and darkest secrets.
00:45:13Her scent is that of a rose garden after midsummer's rain.
00:45:19She's a siren in the water.
00:45:21She calls to me.
00:45:22And only I hold the key to her soul's relaxation.
00:45:32It pains me to betray my lady.
00:45:34But it's for the good of the bet.
00:45:36I hold in my hand her one Achilles heel.
00:45:39Or should I say, Achilles crotch.
00:45:41Whoa!
00:45:42That's a serious pre-op moose knuckle.
00:45:43It looks like a six dollar burger.
00:45:44If it ever gets out, she's ruined.
00:45:45Billy Jackson.
00:45:46We resorting to blackmail now.
00:45:47Yeah, that's it.
00:45:48We're now sexual predators.
00:45:49Sexual predators?
00:45:50What, are we just walking the streets looking for houses with teddy bears in the window
00:45:51to wander into?
00:45:52None of my wildest dreams.
00:45:54Sorry, baby.
00:45:55Just give me a little sit.
00:45:56Stop.
00:45:57Hi, sorry.
00:45:58Stop!
00:45:59Stop!
00:46:00Let me...
00:46:01Yeah, shit!
00:46:07Ha ha ha.
00:46:11Ha ha.
00:46:13Ha ha.
00:46:14Ha ha ha.
00:46:15Ha ha ha.
00:46:17Ha ha ha.
00:46:19Ha ha ha.
00:46:20Ha ha ha.
00:46:22Ha ha.
00:46:23Ha ha ha.
00:46:24Romeo's got nothing on me
00:46:31Last night I found a lover undercover in my sheets
00:46:35I didn't get out of bed for weeks
00:46:37Romeo's got nothing on me
00:46:39Romeo's got nothing on me
00:46:43I woke up in a haze
00:46:45Grabbed my microphone and my briefcase
00:46:47Stepped out the door and fell flat on my face
00:46:50Eyes glazed, I must get blitzed
00:46:52Gravity fights me from every which way
00:46:56It might have a mind just crazy
00:47:00It's an off day, the sky's all gray
00:47:03But if it rains, you'll find me slim
00:47:06I've been living in a dream
00:47:09That used to seem so real
00:47:12I used to be a show
00:47:15Last night I found a lover undercover in my sheets
00:47:20I didn't get out of bed for weeks
00:47:22Romeo's got nothing on me
00:47:24Romeo's got nothing on me
00:47:27Last night I found a lover undercover in my sheets
00:47:30I didn't get out of bed for weeks
00:47:32Romeo's got nothing on me
00:47:35Romeo's got nothing on me
00:47:37Nothing on me
00:47:43I didn't get out of bed for weeks
00:47:55Romeo's got nothing on me
00:48:00I found a lover undercover in my sheets
00:48:00She's gone, she might have a crush, but it won't last long as that.
00:48:04Hi, Dad.
00:48:15Hey, Dad, what are you doing up so early?
00:48:17No time for sleep.
00:48:19Your stepmother is getting close.
00:48:23Oh, yeah, she's looking sharp.
00:48:26You know, actually, grab a seat.
00:48:27I've been meaning to talk to you.
00:48:30Everything okay?
00:48:33Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
00:48:37So, you in second grade?
00:48:40Amanda Morrison.
00:48:41Yeah, Amanda.
00:48:43You guys have spent a lot of time together this summer.
00:48:46Yeah, she's really great.
00:48:51You think she'd be okay with this whole bet thing you got going on?
00:48:54Well, what the hell do I know?
00:49:01A guy making a woman out of plastic, right?
00:49:05Give me the glue, will you?
00:49:12Planet of the Apes.
00:49:13No, no, no.
00:49:16Planet of the Apes with Marky Mark?
00:49:18God, God, no.
00:49:25Oh, um, Sloth from The Goonie.
00:49:28No, no, I'm Harry.
00:49:30I'm Harry from Harry and the Hendersons.
00:49:33I've never seen it.
00:49:34You're kidding me.
00:49:35You've never seen Harry and the Hendersons?
00:49:37No.
00:49:38God, that was on my favorite VHS tape.
00:49:40What are you talking about?
00:49:41Yeah, no, okay.
00:49:43When I was growing up, my dad, he made us this VHS tape that had, like, six movies on it.
00:49:47It was made in that super poor person speed.
00:49:49I guess you weren't poor, okay.
00:49:50No.
00:49:51Well, it had Last Starfighter, Flight of Dragons, Beastmaster, Monster Squad, and Harry and the Hendersons.
00:49:58Hey, look, um, I've been thinking.
00:50:06Summer's almost over, and I have had a really great time hanging out with you.
00:50:13I know that we are just friends, but what if we...
00:50:18We went.
00:50:19What if you and I went out?
00:50:21If you wanted.
00:50:22What if you and I went...
00:50:25On a date?
00:50:26Are you?
00:50:27You are.
00:50:27You're asking me out.
00:50:28Are you asking me out on a proper date?
00:50:30What if I was?
00:50:31Oh, it really has to do the maths on that.
00:50:34I don't know.
00:50:36Really think about it.
00:50:37Quite frankly, I'm not attracted to you.
00:50:40It would be me doing you a favor.
00:50:43Really?
00:50:44Were you in a grease fire or something?
00:50:45Oh, my...
00:50:46Maybe I can change your mind.
00:50:54Denton!
00:50:56Where have you been?
00:50:57Grab me some camembert, a handful of those grapes, and let's get the hell out of here.
00:51:02It's cool.
00:51:03We can pick up where we left off later on tonight.
00:51:06Tonight?
00:51:07Yeah.
00:51:09On our first official date.
00:51:12Where?
00:51:14It's a surprise.
00:51:17Just pick me up here later after work.
00:51:19Okay.
00:51:20Okay.
00:51:20Ah.
00:51:29Well, thanks a lot, man.
00:51:30I was just about to kiss her.
00:51:31You haven't hooked up with her yet.
00:51:33You've seen her 50 times this summer.
00:51:36You're going to fuck this up.
00:51:37How?
00:51:38How?
00:51:39What are you talking about?
00:51:40You're in love with her.
00:51:42I am...
00:51:43That is not...
00:51:44How would one know, though, if they were in love?
00:51:50Close your eyes.
00:51:51Okay.
00:51:52Imagine yourself fucking her.
00:51:56Okay.
00:51:57Her pants are around her ankles.
00:51:58She's bent over the bed.
00:52:00It's really hot.
00:52:01Her hair's kind of tousled.
00:52:03You just blew a load right inside her.
00:52:04Okay.
00:52:05All right.
00:52:05I mean, you've stained her soul.
00:52:07Okay.
00:52:07What do you want to do next?
00:52:11Can I just want to cuddle?
00:52:13Fuck!
00:52:13How are you supposed to focus, man,
00:52:17when you're all fucking puppy dogs and ice cream upstairs?
00:52:19Where are we going, even?
00:52:22Hey, guy.
00:52:23This thing is...
00:52:24This fucking guy's going to do it.
00:52:25He has eight or nine fucking bitches there already.
00:52:28Yeah, I'm telling you.
00:52:30The guy that has a cock are like a fucking gold cock, man.
00:52:33It's very unfortunate news, Bob.
00:52:34It's like a fucking broken fire hydrant.
00:52:36If you see the kids playing,
00:52:37this is fucking...
00:52:38...fucking city.
00:52:40And if one of the fucking children...
00:52:41The mother came,
00:52:42if you slipped on the...
00:52:44Are you okay?
00:52:46Because if you're not okay, I'm not okay.
00:52:49He's doing much better than I thought he would.
00:52:51I can't lose this bet to that lanky fuck.
00:52:55We've got to get serious.
00:52:56Real serious.
00:52:58Operation Derailment Serious.
00:53:01Denise!
00:53:03Sit down.
00:53:10You nervous?
00:53:11No.
00:53:12You look nervous.
00:53:13Nope.
00:53:14She look nervous to you?
00:53:15Definitely looks nervous.
00:53:16I'm not nervous.
00:53:18I'm going to cut to the chase.
00:53:19We know you know about the bet.
00:53:21We know you're one of the girls.
00:53:22We know you blew Denton in the lobby.
00:53:24There's a video.
00:53:24Search. You've seen it.
00:53:25Yeah.
00:53:25It was a sweet fucking BJ.
00:53:28You're welcome.
00:53:28Here's what you need to do for me.
00:53:32Help me win the bet.
00:53:34How do I help you win the bet?
00:53:35I can't un-bill him.
00:53:36Well, you're a crazy super stalker, right?
00:53:40You got his passwords and shit?
00:53:42It's his social media info, email accounts, social security number, home phone, home address,
00:53:46parents, phone, parents address.
00:53:47I'm going to stop you right there.
00:53:48We actually just need you to log in to one of his email accounts and send an email to Amanda Morrison, all right?
00:53:53Pretend to be Denton.
00:53:54Say it's an emergency.
00:53:54I don't give a fuck.
00:53:55However you do it.
00:53:56Get her over to that garage battle station that they have.
00:53:59When she sees what he's really up to, she's never going to talk to him again.
00:54:03Let alone fuck him.
00:54:04Am I right?
00:54:05And then we got this in the bag.
00:54:06Paper or plastic?
00:54:09Or bring your own bag and save the environment or something.
00:54:12He's just such a good guy.
00:54:14I don't feel comfortable, like, messing up his whole thing.
00:54:17It's so cute, she thinks she has a choice.
00:54:19You're going to feel comfortable with it, or you're going to be fired.
00:54:22Oh.
00:54:25Go now, psycho.
00:54:26What are you doing?
00:54:27Do my bidding.
00:54:29What are you doing?
00:54:31Just get the fuck out of here.
00:54:32Okay.
00:54:33Get the fuck out of here.
00:54:34Just have to say that.
00:54:34Go.
00:54:36Vamos.
00:54:36I don't understand you two.
00:54:40Yo, did you watch that tape?
00:54:42Oh, yeah.
00:54:42Crazy ones can really suck at the f***, am I right?
00:54:44No, I'm going to the psych ward for my next f*** job.
00:54:46Ah!
00:54:48Ah!
00:54:48Ah!
00:54:50Ah!
00:54:59Well, this is the place.
00:55:00Looks like a f***ing shithole.
00:55:03Wait.
00:55:04Kendra lives here?
00:55:05Yeah.
00:55:06And she thinks you're a doctor.
00:55:08So, you're going to want to suit up.
00:55:11I'm getting a disease just looking at this place.
00:55:13You packing jimmies?
00:55:14No.
00:55:16That's okay.
00:55:16I've got plenty in the glove.
00:55:20Wait a minute.
00:55:21Why do you have a water pistol in here?
00:55:23Oh, that's not an ordinary water pistol.
00:55:25It's filled with your seed.
00:55:27Ah!
00:55:27Why do you have a water pistol filled with my seed in here?
00:55:30Oh.
00:55:31Well, you know that place you donate sperm?
00:55:33Yeah?
00:55:34Well, yeah.
00:55:34I snuck in the middle of the night and grabbed a bunch of your c*** and filled up this water pistol here.
00:55:38Why?
00:55:41Well, you know, just in case there were some chicks you couldn't pull down.
00:55:45It's a contingency plan.
00:55:46Okay.
00:55:47You know what?
00:55:47Just give me that back.
00:55:48It's my c***.
00:55:49You know what?
00:55:50It's a...
00:55:50God, what?
00:55:51This is important.
00:55:51Can I have my...
00:55:52Give me my c*** back!
00:55:53You know, I always knew you'd be successful.
00:56:03I have great intuition with men.
00:56:07Except for the ones that I marry.
00:56:12Oh, you got a little one, do you?
00:56:16Seven.
00:56:17No s***.
00:56:17Four boys, three girls.
00:56:19But they're with their respected fathers tonight.
00:56:21I thought that, uh, it'd be nice to give us a little privacy since you were so kind to take a house call, doctor.
00:56:28Doctor?
00:56:28Mm-hmm.
00:56:29Is so formal.
00:56:32You know, just call me Denton.
00:56:33Just regular old Denton.
00:56:34Will do.
00:56:35So, uh, what seems to be the, uh, situation?
00:56:39Oh, yeah.
00:56:40My wrist.
00:56:41It's, like, really been giving me trouble.
00:56:43It really hurts to think it could be.
00:56:46Um.
00:56:47Do you think you could help?
00:56:48I do, I do.
00:56:49Uh, let's have a...
00:56:51Listen to the old ticker.
00:56:58Yeah.
00:56:59Yes.
00:57:00Oh, yeah.
00:57:03I've heard this before.
00:57:04I'm afraid you have poor circulation.
00:57:06And I think you could be in immediate danger.
00:57:08Oh, my God.
00:57:08What should we do?
00:57:09Well, I think we should probably start by getting you out of that tight, restrictive top.
00:57:13Yeah, maybe even those tight, tight, tight pants.
00:57:16Uh, are you sure?
00:57:18Oh, yes, very sure.
00:57:19Very sure.
00:57:19It's the first thing we learn in doctor school.
00:57:24Oh, that must have been so hard.
00:57:26Oh, it was.
00:57:27Yes, it certainly was.
00:57:28But when you see the look of pure laughter on a baby child's face after a successful brain appointment,
00:57:37it makes everything worth it.
00:57:39You know that you're doing the Lord's work.
00:57:41These hands, I'll tell you, they've seen some stories.
00:57:46Denton, it's me.
00:57:49Amanda?
00:57:50Denton, I got here as fast as I could.
00:57:52Is your dad okay?
00:57:53Hold on, hold on.
00:57:55Mr. Me, Mr. Me, Mr. Me.
00:57:56Damn you, Phil Collins.
00:57:58Amanda Morrison is here.
00:58:00Ooh, second grade.
00:58:02Denton, are you in there?
00:58:04No, no.
00:58:06What are we going to do?
00:58:07What are we going to do?
00:58:08Oh, one second, I've got to put my pants back on.
00:58:10Me too.
00:58:11Me too.
00:58:16Denton, are you home?
00:58:19Ah.
00:58:26What the hell is this?
00:58:34No!
00:58:35Scott's my fiancƩe!
00:58:36Did you just finish?
00:58:38No, I don't remember.
00:58:39Wait, you have a fiancƩe?
00:58:41Of course you have a fiancƩe.
00:58:42Kendra, I'm home.
00:58:44Give me a beer.
00:58:45Make sure it's cold as shit from that new fridge, you know?
00:58:49Hey, Denton.
00:58:51What you doing here, boy?
00:58:52It's great to see you.
00:58:54Wait a minute.
00:58:55You're not here for them movies, is you?
00:58:56Yeah, because, you know, I really do need a little more time on those, you know?
00:59:00But, uh, wait a minute.
00:59:03Why is she in her undies?
00:59:06And why does Grandpa have a chubby?
00:59:10Right back in Gibraltar!
00:59:12Bang!
00:59:13Grandpa, did my woman suck this man's...
00:59:16Oh, no.
00:59:18Shept it real good.
00:59:19Cute.
00:59:20Seen it?
00:59:20Licked her hole too.
00:59:22Oh, his hole?
00:59:23Oh!
00:59:24No, no, Scott, my hole is unlinked today.
00:59:27You little adulterer coming into my beautiful home, making my angel eat at your gas station.
00:59:32I got some bad, bad news for you, boy.
00:59:35Your timing's all sorts of shit, because I'm back on the juice, motherfucker!
00:59:39I'm sorry, Doc.
00:59:40He's gonna fuck you up.
00:59:41Yeah, that's right!
00:59:42Scott, Scott, just calm down for just a second.
00:59:45Yeah, ooh, what you got, what you got?
00:59:47Fuck that shit, boy.
00:59:48Come on, bring it on.
00:59:49Come on, dog.
00:59:52Go hear motherfucking jets, Scott.
00:59:54What you gonna do?
00:59:55Shoot me with a water gun?
00:59:57Do not make me pull this trigger.
00:59:59Go, Tom!
00:59:59You can't climb on me with your love.
01:00:12Little bring with your love.
01:00:17Wiggins!
01:00:18Dad, you're not gonna believe this.
01:00:20I just shook up with Kendra and I shot a load into Scott's mouth.
01:00:23What?
01:00:23Well, not technically, I didn't shoot.
01:00:25Well, no, no, no, technically.
01:00:26It doesn't matter.
01:00:27The point is, I'm about to win this fucking bet!
01:00:33I'm part of a bet!
01:00:35Look, look, look, look, I can explain.
01:00:38Oh, you can explain?
01:00:39I don't think that needs explanation.
01:00:42This is disgusting!
01:00:44Are you kidding right now?
01:00:45Don't touch me!
01:00:46I'm so freaked out right now.
01:00:49I never want to see you again.
01:00:51Don't say that.
01:00:51Amanda, please don't!
01:00:56Who are you?
01:01:08Yeah, man.
01:01:10Who are you?
01:01:14I've been run out of town
01:01:17Oh, I've been run out of town
01:01:23Heard the big news
01:01:25You fucked it all up
01:01:27I gotta admit
01:01:28For a second there you had me genuinely concerned
01:01:30Nine girls, one guy
01:01:32Not bad
01:01:32I tip my dick to you, sir
01:01:34You actually came here
01:01:37Just to be a dick to me?
01:01:39Listen to me, you quivering pussy
01:01:40This bet was your shot
01:01:42I gave it to you on a silver fucking platter
01:01:44But you, as you do
01:01:46Kept up the family tradition
01:01:47Failure
01:01:48It's when I think my family can't take anything else from your family
01:01:51My dad takes your dad's company
01:01:53I take this shithole you call a video store
01:01:56And then tomorrow, when you lose that bet
01:01:58I'm gonna make you and daddy homeless
01:02:00You know why?
01:02:02Because you and all your little friends
01:02:03You're all a bunch of fucking weirdos
01:02:06I win
01:02:07You lose
01:02:08Suck my dick
01:02:10See you at the game tomorrow
01:02:16You can suck my dick
01:02:16I catch the dude and I'm like
01:02:23What the fuck are you doing, man?
01:02:25You look like I'm doing
01:02:25Okay, dude, chill
01:02:26Clearly you just need to talk about
01:02:28Talk about what, Ed?
01:02:29Huh?
01:02:29How you two ruined my life?
01:02:31Dude, you are this close to winning the bet
01:02:32Don't you dare back out now
01:02:34I don't fucking care about the bet
01:02:35I don't care about the bet
01:02:36I've lost the only person I want to be with
01:02:38Scott, quick, girl
01:02:43No, it's not
01:02:44I didn't
01:02:44God damn it
01:02:45What?
01:02:48She'll understand, right?
01:02:49We'll just go by her house
01:02:50Explain the situation
01:02:51She'll get it
01:02:52She'll understand what, Ed?
01:02:53That she was right?
01:02:54She's part of some stupid bet
01:02:56That my friends got me into
01:02:57I cannot believe I let you guys
01:02:58Convince me to do this
01:02:59Fuck you
01:03:04Fuck me
01:03:05Dude, you sit here all day
01:03:08Bitching and moaning about your life
01:03:10And things that happen to you
01:03:12Be it girls or your job
01:03:14Man, fuck, even us
01:03:15And when shit doesn't go your way
01:03:17You go on the fucking rag
01:03:18And just bitch about how shit Denton's life is
01:03:20Back me up on this, Wiggins
01:03:22I still wet the bed
01:03:23I can't really talk
01:03:24God damn shame
01:03:25Are you kidding me how shit my life is?
01:03:29Jackson, when's the last time you hooked up with it, Jack?
01:03:31Well, years
01:03:31And by the way, your shakes suck
01:03:33And you, Ed, you are so full of shit
01:03:36You're this love guru
01:03:37Except the only girl you've ever been with
01:03:39You married
01:03:40You two have been living vicariously through me
01:03:43But it's not you
01:03:44Who has the shit life
01:03:46It's me
01:03:46Get out
01:03:48Just get out of here
01:03:50All of you
01:03:50Take this trash with you
01:03:53Come on, Wiggins
01:03:59Wiggins, get out here
01:04:00Get the fuck out
01:04:01Wiggins!
01:04:02Wiggins, get the fuck out of here
01:04:03You've upset Wiggins
01:04:05Wiggins, go
01:04:06He's a fucking mess
01:04:07I'll leave you one
01:04:09I'll leave you one
01:04:10Go!
01:04:11Wiggins is my friend now
01:04:13Wiggins, get the fuck out of here
01:04:15Get out!
01:04:16Dad, not you
01:04:27You don't have to go
01:04:28I refuse to let the lovely Lady Legos
01:04:33Lose her virginity
01:04:34In this debt of sadness
01:04:36You need to be alone right now anyway, son
01:04:39You've got a lot to think about
01:04:46Meaty in me
01:05:09Out in the heat
01:05:13Standing on rocks
01:05:17Burning our feet
01:05:21We'll be filthy rich
01:05:25If the damn stuff burns green
01:05:29Just her and me
01:05:32And a twenty-mule team
01:05:36And a twenty-mule team
01:05:36And the rocks is a haven
01:05:44Out in the sun
01:05:48We'll be lazy
01:05:51Losing track of the time
01:05:57And the cruel spray
01:05:59Your dad's coming
01:06:10Oh yeah
01:06:11Oh, how'd he go with Lady Lego?
01:06:13It was horrible
01:06:15It was horrible
01:06:16We all went to the field last night
01:06:18He got butt naked
01:06:20And it's all gathering around her
01:06:21As he mounted her right over there
01:06:22On home plate
01:06:23On the first thrust
01:06:24She exploded into a million pieces
01:06:27He just sat there defeated
01:06:29As his bruised old boner went limp
01:06:31Saddest shit I've ever seen
01:06:34Well, well, well
01:06:36Look at these video fun fucks
01:06:39You guys excited?
01:06:40Huh?
01:06:41You like the smell of the field
01:06:42The cut grass
01:06:43The stands
01:06:44Full of quivering lady p***ies
01:06:46Waiting for the bee dog
01:06:47To satisfy him?
01:06:48Hmm?
01:06:49God
01:06:50I wanted to see you guys lose
01:06:51But to see you lose
01:06:52In front of a packed house
01:06:53Life is f***ing sweet
01:06:54Like brown sugar on white p***
01:06:56Oh, hey look y'all
01:06:57The president and CEO
01:06:58Of Goldman Nutsacks
01:06:59Sorry guys
01:07:00I don't speak poor person
01:07:01Mary-Kate
01:07:03Ashley
01:07:04You ladies 18 yet?
01:07:05Jackson
01:07:06I know you're gonna miss this most
01:07:07So really try and enjoy it, okay?
01:07:09Good luck out there ladies
01:07:16Woah
01:07:18He almost hit that truck
01:07:30Gentlemen!
01:07:31It's been an honor
01:07:33Serving with you
01:07:34On that battlefield
01:07:35You fought like
01:07:37Warrior poets
01:07:38In the days of old
01:07:40But I ask you
01:07:42One last time
01:07:44To fight with me
01:07:46Can you do that?
01:07:48Fight
01:07:49With
01:07:50Me
01:07:51Come on
01:07:52Spit on me
01:07:53I got someone in my mouth
01:07:54Thanks for coming
01:07:55I got someone in my mouth
01:07:56Thanks for coming
01:07:57I got someone in my mouth
01:07:58I got someone in my mouth
01:08:00Thanks for coming out folks
01:08:01To the last game of the season
01:08:02It's gonna be a 2-0
01:08:03It's gonna be a 2-0
01:08:04It's gonna be a 2-0
01:08:05Now that is
01:08:06Jackson Pride
01:08:07Jackson Pride
01:08:11What's in this?
01:08:12Jackson Shake masterpiece
01:08:13The final
01:08:14Tickdown
01:08:18That was a good pitch
01:08:19There's something I need to talk to you about
01:08:21Oh yeah?
01:08:22What is that?
01:08:23Balls on chin
01:08:24Dude I'm not in the mood for jokes right now man
01:08:27Remember the Tri-County Little League championships?
01:08:29Yeah
01:08:30Yeah who could forget
01:08:31You got hit in the face twice in one game
01:08:33Taking those two balls to the chin
01:08:35Was the best thing I ever did
01:08:37What do you mean?
01:08:38Everyone knew I wasn't gonna get on base
01:08:41And if I struck out
01:08:42Which I was going to
01:08:43The game would've been over right?
01:08:45My only option to get on base
01:08:46Was to get hit by a pitch
01:08:48Wait a minute you did that on purpose?
01:08:50Yeah
01:08:51I had a drink through a straw for 3 months
01:08:53And it was worth it
01:08:54Lee won because I didn't accept
01:08:56The shitty hand of cards that fate dealt me
01:08:58I took destiny into my own hands
01:09:00Old man opportunity knocked
01:09:02The 6th grade version of myself answered the door
01:09:05And then
01:09:06I took his two balls on my chin
01:09:13No no no no
01:09:14Run run
01:09:15Push your glove
01:09:16Push your glove
01:09:17Shut up
01:09:18Def ģ“ļæ½ Š“ŃŃŠ·
01:09:19Take
01:09:21Ooh
01:09:22It's a lead-off hit
01:09:23All your mothers
01:09:26All of them
01:09:28You're up D
01:09:29Let's light this bitch up
01:09:30On your games boys
01:09:32On your games boys
01:09:33Come on boys just do this
01:09:34Now Benny
01:09:35Shetter nive
01:09:36Youé» Maser
01:09:37You rich
01:09:40And you also
01:09:42ļæ½ļæ½iese
01:09:45pulses
01:09:46You know what, Lucas?
01:09:49Oh, do you want some, I say?
01:09:51According to this contract, the bet's not over till the end of the season, right?
01:09:55Yeah.
01:09:56Well, there's still eight things left to win this thing.
01:09:58Okay.
01:09:59So, Jackson.
01:10:00Okay.
01:10:01Game's not over, boys.
01:10:04You're right.
01:10:06I have been a pussy.
01:10:12I need you to stall this game.
01:10:16Ah!
01:10:19Oh!
01:10:20Uh-oh!
01:10:21Yeah.
01:10:22Help!
01:10:22Oh, my jockstrap is twisting around my balls.
01:10:26Oh, come on.
01:10:26Delay a game, Blue.
01:10:27You know, I wanted to wear it like Maris did during his 61 home run season.
01:10:32I read that he did that on the back of his baseball card.
01:10:36Bullshit, Jackson.
01:10:36I'm a bit of a card collector.
01:10:39Uh, tops.
01:10:40Hey!
01:10:41Focus!
01:10:41Don't look at him!
01:10:42Look at me!
01:10:43Upper deck.
01:10:43Don't look at me!
01:10:44Uh, Fleer.
01:10:45Wax Packs.
01:10:47Where you going?
01:10:48A peachy.
01:10:48Taking a set of balls on the chin!
01:10:50What?
01:10:52Wait, is he gay now?
01:10:53No, no.
01:10:54It's a metaphor.
01:10:55Uh, Honus Wagner.
01:10:56The Honus Wagner card.
01:10:58Blue!
01:10:59Delay a game!
01:11:00Wayne Gretzky.
01:11:00Boom!
01:11:00Oh, God!
01:11:02Oh!
01:11:03It's like a hangman's noose!
01:11:04And that was The Sneetches by Dr. Seuss.
01:11:26Do you guys know what the moral of the story is?
01:11:30The moral of the story is that there was this one boy, Sneetch, who was confused.
01:11:36What are you doing?
01:11:37There was this girl, Sneetch, who was amazing and beautiful and funny and confident in who
01:11:46she is.
01:11:47And he thought to himself, he thought, you know what, you know what I need?
01:11:51I need, I need, I need, I need a couple stars under my belt to really impress this girl.
01:11:56No, the, the girl Sneetch.
01:11:58So he goes over to his boys in Whoville and he says to them, they're like, you know what,
01:12:01dude?
01:12:02You need, you need to be confident.
01:12:04You need to be like, like the cat in the hat.
01:12:06So he goes over and he slams some beers with, with thing one and thing two.
01:12:10He hits the town.
01:12:10He hooks up with a bunch of chicks.
01:12:12That's, that's not, that's not who he is.
01:12:17That's not what he's about.
01:12:19He's more like the Lorax in reality.
01:12:23Planting grickle grass and climbing truncula trees and, and smoking cheebs with the barbaloids.
01:12:29What are you trying to say?
01:12:33Amanda, I fell in love with you this summer.
01:12:38I screwed it up, I just, I screwed it up.
01:12:43But you need to know that the man that I was when I was with you, that's who I really am.
01:12:50Yeah, the Sneetch may have stolen a blind girl's glasses and shot a pistol in dude's mouth.
01:12:55That happened.
01:12:56That did.
01:12:57I'm not asking you for a second chance.
01:13:00If this is the last time I get to see you, then I understand.
01:13:03But you need to know that from now on, I'm going to be who I really am.
01:13:12Who I always was.
01:13:15The Sneetch knows where his real star is.
01:13:18I'm so lonely.
01:13:34How you doing boys?
01:13:40Good man, bottom of nine, all tied up.
01:13:43How'd it go?
01:13:45Um, not, uh, not the smoothest actually.
01:13:49At least I came clean to her.
01:13:52Yeah, well, you're a better man for it and all that.
01:13:55You're up D, here we go, here we go, big D, here we go, moving back, here we go, big
01:14:05head, big head, let's go, dead man walking.
01:14:13Everyone's getting fucked in the ass.
01:14:15I'm going to fuck so many bitches in your house, it's going to be disgusting.
01:14:19Every single one of these fucks do for two years.
01:14:21Yeah, your old bedroom, it's going to be painted in my s**t.
01:14:26Time out!
01:14:33Hey, hi, hi.
01:14:37Denton, did you really mean what you said?
01:14:41It's the most honest I've been all summer.
01:14:43This is bullshit!
01:14:45Is this bet really that important to you?
01:14:47No.
01:14:48Come on!
01:14:48It's not as important as being with you.
01:14:51Let's play ball!
01:15:06Not a full-on Louisville chubber.
01:15:09Me too.
01:15:12Now go with this game.
01:15:18Hey, Amanda?
01:15:19Hi, Amanda Morrison?
01:15:22Yeah, I'm Denise Davids.
01:15:23You don't know me.
01:15:24Listen, I'm not going to hurt you, okay?
01:15:26I do have to show you something.
01:15:28Right now.
01:15:29It's important.
01:15:30You may not like it, but you might.
01:15:34Here we go, D!
01:15:35Knock his cock right off of his body.
01:15:37We want pain, we want to see blood.
01:15:39Here we go!
01:15:40All right.
01:15:40Get him bigger.
01:15:41See what you got.
01:15:42This one's for you, Daddy.
01:15:48Oh, son, I'm so proud.
01:15:49Here we go, D!
01:15:50Right in this pussy!
01:15:51Right in this pussy!
01:15:52Here we go!
01:15:53Here we go!
01:15:54Big head up!
01:15:54Big head up!
01:15:57You've always made me proud.
01:15:59And you know what?
01:16:00Your mama was proud, too.
01:16:01Yo, Peter, we got a problem, dog!
01:16:12Right now, sir, shut up!
01:16:14Last night's movie leaked.
01:16:15Are you shitting me?
01:16:17Is this train going to Paris?
01:16:20Why, indeed it is, ma'am.
01:16:21All aboard!
01:16:22Next up, the Eiffel Tower.
01:16:25I love the correct thing.
01:16:26Well, then you are in luck, ma'am,
01:16:28because we have two.
01:16:29Oh!
01:16:30Oh!
01:16:32Get a movement!
01:16:34Oh, my God!
01:16:41Oh!
01:16:58Oh!
01:16:58Oh!
01:16:59Oh!
01:16:59Oh!
01:16:59Oh!
01:17:00Oh!
01:17:00Oh!
01:17:00Oh!
01:18:00Shut the fuck up, old man!
01:18:01You know what, Jackson? You can have the game.
01:18:03You'll never play in this league again.
01:18:05Denton lost the fucking bet.
01:18:07Actually, Lucas, no, he didn't.
01:18:09You're bitch 11. You're still one bit shy.
01:18:11That means your house is mine,
01:18:13and I'm gonna burn it to the goddamn ground
01:18:14right after I take a huge shittin'.
01:18:18Denise,
01:18:19I think you have one more text message to send.
01:18:22What?
01:18:22For our next motion picture,
01:18:35the Polar Express.
01:18:37Is this train going to the South Pole?
01:18:42Uh, it isn't, ma'am,
01:18:44but you can go south
01:18:45on my pole.
01:18:47Let me slide on down.
01:18:48Oh!
01:18:49Slow down, slow down.
01:18:53Feed up.
01:18:53Oh, that's nice.
01:18:54Oh, that's a lot of eggnog.
01:18:56You're welcome.
01:18:57Merry Christmas to you.
01:18:59Twelve girls
01:19:01in one summer.
01:19:03Damn.
01:19:05Now, as my first official act
01:19:06as the new CEO of Mr. B's gourmet condoms,
01:19:11Mr. Lucas,
01:19:12you're fucking fired.
01:19:13No!
01:19:14Brandon, you are super fucking fired.
01:19:18What the hell is going on?
01:19:20A contract
01:19:21signed by Brandon himself.
01:19:26Daddy, I can explain.
01:19:28Is it...
01:19:28God damn fucking...
01:19:32I'm sorry.
01:19:34You can bring your little shit.
01:19:35I'm sorry.
01:19:35I was crying.
01:19:36You should fuck.
01:19:37Yeah, that's right.
01:19:38You guys can suck our black d***s.
01:19:41Yeah, man.
01:19:42You can suck all our black d***s.
01:19:44That's right, boy.
01:19:45Now, as my second official act
01:19:47as the CEO,
01:19:48I intend to return the company
01:19:49back to its original owner
01:19:51and creator.
01:19:52The world's greatest inventor.
01:19:55My dad.
01:19:56Me?
01:19:57Yes.
01:19:57You're giving it to me?
01:19:58Yes.
01:19:59Me?
01:19:59Oh my God.
01:20:01I could have a theme for inventors.
01:20:06And you.
01:20:07Yeah.
01:20:08But...
01:20:09But there's still something
01:20:10that held you.
01:20:14Yes!
01:20:15Yes!
01:20:15That's right, Brandon.
01:20:17We throw low around here.
01:20:19Oh!
01:20:19Oh!
01:20:21Dang Jimmy's on these b***hs!
01:20:23Get them up!
01:20:25Throw them up!
01:20:26On them!
01:20:27Get on them!
01:20:28Look, Amanda,
01:20:29about these last couple of months...
01:20:31Screw your past.
01:20:38Besides,
01:20:39I still haven't told you
01:20:41about my summer.
01:20:43What?
01:20:43Saying ain't nobody can stop me.
01:20:45They better sit back and watch me.
01:20:47For really, though.
01:20:48These niggas are silly, though.
01:20:49They think that I'm flopping.
01:20:50No, this isn't Kinko.
01:20:52You cannot make copies.
01:20:53And just cause you're a dick
01:20:54gives you no right to be cocky.
01:20:56Feeling like I'm holly, though.
01:20:57Sloan like it's snow.
01:20:58And me and 4-5 of the homies.
01:20:59Girls acting like they know me.
01:21:01Come on, rolly, though.
01:21:02Well, this is just the life
01:21:03of knowing you the shit.
01:21:04And I don't think
01:21:05I'm ever gonna quit.
01:21:06Nah.
01:21:07Party at my place.
01:21:09We gon' be faded.
01:21:10It's gon' be fun.
01:21:11You're all invited.
01:21:13And I'ma bring my friends.
01:21:14We'll have a good time
01:21:15under the sun.
01:21:17We'll have fun.
01:21:18Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.
01:21:22We'll have fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.
01:21:27Well, this is sober, fuckin' weirdo.
01:21:29Game head zero.
01:21:30Make it white, buddy.
01:21:32I call it that Rob the Zero.
01:21:33Young cuz known to make your buzz disappear.
01:21:36One this song, I drop your followers a zero.
01:21:39Hey, yo, doggie dooter.
01:21:40Did you really think that you could do, do, do, do anything as good as me?
01:21:43You need a shrink, yo.
01:21:44You're as good as me?
01:21:45No.
01:21:45If you really think so, you must really think slow, cause you're not.
01:21:49These girls are on my dock.
01:21:50Round the clock, cause I'm probably hot.
01:21:52I could make a fuckin' country song.
01:21:53It'll probably pop.
01:21:54Hey, yo, Taylor.
01:21:55I'd really love to tailor.
01:21:57I could rock the boat if she let me be her sailor.
01:21:59Oh, Jesus, I love the Chuck D.
01:22:01Shark beat now.
01:22:02So let me get this straight.
01:22:03You owned the company.
01:22:05Yeah.
01:22:06You stole the company.
01:22:07Yeah.
01:22:08You won it back because your son won a bet where you had to sleep with 12 girls in the summer?
01:22:15Whole summer.
01:22:16You nailed it.
01:22:18Huh.
01:22:22Gluten-free.
01:22:24Gluten-free.
01:22:25Snick, snick, snick, snicky bitch.
01:22:42Snick, snick, snicky bitch.
01:22:46Snick, snick, snicky bitch.
01:22:46Snick, snick, snicky bitch.
01:22:48After the show, make me backstage.
01:22:50You can get me a sneaky bitch.
01:22:52Groovy, booze and a bag of jeeps.
01:22:54That's a recipe for a sneaky bitch.
01:22:56I'm a senator.
01:22:57You're my peach.
01:22:57End my boat.
01:22:58Give me a sneaky bitch.
01:22:59Open that laptop.
01:23:00Go ask jeeps.
01:23:01I don't know where to find a shnicky bitch.
01:23:03Snick, snick, snicky bitch.
01:23:05Snick, snick, snicky bitch.
01:23:09Snick, snick, snicky bitch.
01:23:10Sneak, sneak, sneaky bitch
01:23:12Sneaky bitch
01:23:14Sneak, sneak, sneaky bitch
01:23:16Sneaky bitch
01:23:17Uh-oh, baby, you're in trouble
01:23:20I blew a load, now blow a cum bubble
01:23:22Uh-oh, baby, you're in trouble
01:23:23I blew a load, now blow a cum bubble
01:23:25Uh-oh, baby, you're in trouble
01:23:27I blew a load, now blow a cum bubble
01:23:29Uh-oh, baby, you're in trouble
01:23:31I blew a load, now blow a cum bubble
01:23:33Blow a cum bubble for me
01:23:36You do not know what this is
01:23:39This is why you do not swallow my cum
01:23:42But you take it
01:23:44To the front of your mouth
01:23:46And pucker your lips
01:23:48And blow a bubble
01:23:50Use your imagination
01:23:52Yes, yes, very good
01:23:54Uh, uh, uh, uh
01:23:56There goes my cum bubble
01:23:58Snick, sick, sneaky bitch
01:23:59Snicky bitch
01:24:01Snick, sick, sneaky bitch
01:24:03Snicky bitch
01:24:05Snick, sick, sneaky bitch
01:24:07Snicky bitch
01:24:08Snick, sick, sneaky bitch
01:24:10Snicky bitch
01:24:12I hold these truths to be self-evident
01:24:18I only put death in residence
01:24:20Where duty sediment
01:24:21Is resident
01:24:23In your butthole, bitch
01:24:26I'm in love with the stripper
01:24:27With the dollar in her butt
01:24:29With the dollar in her butt
01:24:32I'm in love with the stripper
01:24:34With the dollar in her butt
01:24:36With the dollar in her butt
01:24:37With the dollar in her butt
01:24:39Sorry, George Washington
01:24:41Bout that dookie on your chin
01:24:42Bucking mouth, chubby sprout
01:24:44You know I had to put you in
01:24:46Deep into the dookie hole
01:24:47Watch it sliding down that pole
01:24:49How it look, no disease
01:24:50Oh, let's go pop those cherry trees
01:24:52I'm in love with the stripper
01:24:53With the Lincoln where it's stinking
01:24:55With the Lincoln and a stink?
01:24:57No, I'm talking about the pig
01:24:58I'm in love with the stripper
01:25:00With the Lincoln where it's stinking
01:25:01With the Lincoln and a stink?
01:25:03No, I'm talking about a pig
01:25:05About a pig
01:25:05Hey, by the stave
01:25:06Hold that nose, you be brave
01:25:08Tuck that poop, wears a scoop
01:25:09You gotta look, touch your shade
01:25:11Get his burp, show about hairy
01:25:13North and south is super scary
01:25:14See that buckhole you be wearing
01:25:16John was spooky derriere
01:25:18I'm in love with the stripper
01:25:19With Ben Frank and a stink?
01:25:21You put a Benji in her stink?
01:25:23My baby poops back
01:25:24I'm in love with the stripper
01:25:26With Ben Frank and a stink?
01:25:27You put a Benji in her stink?
01:25:29My baby poops back
01:25:31Damn homies, you gon' go broke
01:25:36Come on bitch, ship me out a buck
01:25:39tharks, ship you out a buck
01:25:44Iron head, ship you out a buck
01:25:56I'm in love with the cow
01:25:58His meat ĆØ stato fortale
01:26:02Like Whisper
01:26:03Cuando dispara su arma, se va a baƱar en MƩxico fuerte.
01:26:11Este vato es muy macho. Este vato es muy macho. Este vato es muy macho.
01:26:22Es realmente una mujer.
01:26:33Este vato es muy macho. Este vato es muy macho.
01:26:48Este vato es muy macho. Es realmente una mujer.
01:27:03Es realmente una mujer.
Be the first to comment