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Drama Love
Drama Love
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00It's in that basket, it's cardboard, it's not a brown cover.
00:00:29Okay, can you find it?
00:00:35As experts and psychologists, we have long known that becoming a mother is a catalyst for radical change.
00:00:48Kimmy Fasani up next, a household name in snowboarding.
00:00:52She's got an unbelievable story.
00:00:55Motherhood is a confrontation with both life and death.
00:00:58It's one of the few experiences where you understand what it takes to bring life into this world and also the preciousness of that life.
00:01:08You might even encounter a death-defying experience along the way.
00:01:13But the culture and the science has remained silent on this for so long. It's the biggest story never told.
00:01:23These ideas really started in the identity development theories of our foremothers, many of whom were actually psychologists and theorists who became mothers and then finally used the tools of their own science to explain what was going on for them.
00:01:51And they talked about this idea of an identity change, a me change.
00:01:56That doesn't happen overnight.
00:01:58That doesn't happen overnight.
00:01:59GEMMA
00:02:10Typical me, I already have an email drafted, and it's basically fill in the blanks like
00:02:31a Mad Lib, you know?
00:02:32All Chris had to do is put in the name and what happened.
00:02:37The doctor yesterday warned me, she's like, you know, you might have a higher than normal
00:02:40pain tolerance because of everything you've been through, so like, don't wait too long.
00:02:55When I became pregnant, I was at the highest peak I'd ever got to in snowboarding, a passion
00:03:01that I had developed a career from.
00:03:05It says, get ready, it's time to get your hospital bag and documents ready, it'd be
00:03:09perfect time to go to the hospital.
00:03:13What I had seen happen to women before me was that as soon as they chose to become moms,
00:03:18they all of a sudden were no longer a professional snowboarder anymore.
00:03:24Thanks, boy.
00:03:28But I knew I wanted to start a family and I had no intention of slowing down.
00:03:34This is June 7th, 1988, it's supposed to be summer, it is summer, but summer in the mountains
00:03:50sometimes has lots of snow.
00:03:52Kimmy's trying to get the trampoline all uncovered, smart girl.
00:03:59My mom had the strongest work ethic I know.
00:04:06She was a single mom and she was an OR nurse.
00:04:10She worked full-time.
00:04:11We had to dig Kimmy's snow clothes out of the back room.
00:04:17Rough year for gardening.
00:04:19We lived in a cabin at the highest place you could live in Truckee.
00:04:24We were always inundated by snow.
00:04:27If the school bus got stuck, she would walk outside with her can of ashes from our fireplace
00:04:33and put it under the school bus tires.
00:04:36She had this ability to do anything.
00:04:39My mom had me when she was 39 years old and that was about 40 years ago.
00:04:55She was never married to my dad who struggled with alcoholism.
00:04:59He was a loving man and yet he had a toxic lifestyle.
00:05:08My mom was doing everything on her own and so she raised me to be very independent.
00:05:19She had a meditation practice, which I didn't really understand, but I knew to be still with
00:05:26her.
00:05:27Merry Christmas, we're cooking breakfast.
00:05:31I wasn't just her daughter, I was her partner.
00:05:36We were each other's soul mates.
00:05:47And she was kind of a ski bum at heart.
00:05:51So when I asked her if I could learn how to snowboard, she decided to let me have a try.
00:05:56Well, here comes Kimmy.
00:05:58She's just learning to use this board.
00:06:01I'll never forget that feeling, stepping onto that snowboard, trying something new that
00:06:07not even my mom knew how to do.
00:06:12Snowboarding was the first time I realized my own desire.
00:06:21There was something there that I needed.
00:06:33When I had just graduated eighth grade, my dad got diagnosed with cancer.
00:06:39And within just a few months, he was gone.
00:06:47Snowboarding broke me away from that pain of loss.
00:06:50It just made me happy.
00:07:03So Kimmy, what's the game plan for today?
00:07:05Game plan, I have a lot of homework, but probably not going to do it.
00:07:10Yeah, Kimmy, I moved to Mammoth.
00:07:14All the pros lived here.
00:07:15I wanted to pursue professional snowboarding.
00:07:20And I got sponsors, and I started traveling and filming.
00:07:26It was a dream job.
00:07:27Oh, yeah.
00:07:28Oh, yeah.
00:07:29Hi, honey.
00:07:30It's just me.
00:07:31I was just reading about you last night.
00:07:32You are absolutely amazing.
00:07:33The whole lifestyle of snowboarding is what makes it so addicting.
00:07:50You're living in your passion.
00:07:51You're outdoors.
00:07:52You're riding with your friends.
00:07:53It doesn't get better than that.
00:07:57We decided to host a pirate theme party for an opening of a new snowboard movie.
00:08:05Oh, right.
00:08:07I was a skier.
00:08:08My brother was a snowboarder.
00:08:10And we worked at the ice cream parlor in town.
00:08:13It was the perfect job.
00:08:14It opened at 3 o'clock, and you could shred all day.
00:08:18Kimmy came in, and she's like, are you Peter's brother?
00:08:20And I said, yeah.
00:08:21And she said, I heard you lost your father.
00:08:25I lost my father if you ever want to talk.
00:08:28My dad died of cancer as well.
00:08:30Kimmy was the first person I had opened up with.
00:08:34We connected on a deep level pretty immediately.
00:08:37Hey.
00:08:38That's me.
00:08:39I love you.
00:08:40You love me?
00:08:41Yeah.
00:08:42Chris and I fell in love the first time we met.
00:08:47She opened my eyes to the depth of a human.
00:08:51Her mom was very reluctant of me.
00:08:55I was underage.
00:08:56Kimmy was 19.
00:08:57She's like, are you kidding me?
00:08:59Have you asked his mom?
00:09:01We were both on this journey to be the best that we could be in our sport.
00:09:06She's always been so driven and so powerful.
00:09:09Yeah, Kimmy.
00:09:10I earned a spot in Alaska, the biggest playground that you can snowboard in.
00:09:16And I just felt like I had come home to myself.
00:09:19I started bringing my art into my skiing.
00:09:23We were both hitting our peak.
00:09:25We did the double backflips together, which is amazing.
00:09:28Kimmy, you just landed a double backflip.
00:09:38That's so sick.
00:09:39Look at the video out of Mammoth.
00:09:41Just right on the edge.
00:09:48Look how far we've come.
00:09:50There was always a new limit to push.
00:09:53We were never content.
00:09:57Kimmy and I were just ships crossing in the night.
00:10:00Tell me you're at this airport for a kiss.
00:10:03We were free.
00:10:08And your Women's Rider of the Year is...
00:10:13Kimmy Fasani.
00:10:15I want to dedicate this award to my mom.
00:10:21She couldn't be here tonight.
00:10:22I love her so much.
00:10:24She introduced me to the mountains.
00:10:25And I would have never found snowboarding if it wasn't for her support.
00:10:29So, thank you, Judy.
00:10:34And yet there was so much contradiction at that point in my life.
00:10:37Because a month before that award, my mom was diagnosed with a really aggressive cancer.
00:10:48Pure joy is pure observation.
00:10:52She always asked me if I was happy.
00:11:01And as long as I said yes, she never revisited it.
00:11:05But I knew that she wanted to watch me become a mom.
00:11:15Pure joy is total acceptance.
00:11:18I wanted that too.
00:11:22But there was never a good time.
00:11:26And it wasn't until she got sick that I realized I'm going to walk this path of being a mom without her.
00:11:48I just gave you a mom without her time today.
00:11:52Yeah.
00:11:54You mean I always think I'll give you a mom without her?
00:11:56Okay.
00:11:57Hi.
00:11:58Hi.
00:12:00We're so happy to finally meet you.
00:12:0310 months later.
00:12:07Hi.
00:12:09I see you.
00:12:18What's wrong?
00:12:42What's wrong?
00:12:43I was so full of love and I had a beautiful birth plan.
00:13:01But when I went in for my C-section, I remember being scared and for the first time in a long time felt completely out of control.
00:13:09The doctor just gave me the okay to resume my normal activity level.
00:13:24Back out in the mountains and mammoth.
00:13:26Feels so good to move again.
00:13:27We wanted to be those people.
00:13:32Our child didn't slow us down.
00:13:36No matter how exhausted we were, we just wanted to keep our life the same.
00:13:42The same.
00:13:48You still awake back there?
00:13:50Who's not wandering in the woods?
00:13:52Koi, you're almost 10 months old.
00:13:54Dang.
00:13:57Entering into 2019 winter.
00:14:02Getting this dude ready for the cold weather in Japan.
00:14:06There are complications of being a professional athlete.
00:14:10Contracts are annual.
00:14:12There's injury clauses in them.
00:14:15You are on your own.
00:14:16You're self-employed.
00:14:18It is up to you to perform.
00:14:21And not fuck it up.
00:14:25Is this possible with a child?
00:14:27All of my contracts were up when I was pregnant.
00:14:32And there was no protection for pregnancy.
00:14:38You were able to be terminated.
00:14:42Kimmy and I have become friends over the years.
00:14:46And I got this kind of formal text from her.
00:14:48I remember calling her and she couldn't quite spit it out.
00:14:54All of a sudden I was like, oh my God.
00:14:57Kimmy, you're pregnant.
00:14:59There was no policy.
00:15:02But I said, Kimmy, let's pioneer this.
00:15:04Let's see what this looks like.
00:15:07I was going to do it differently.
00:15:11I thought that women can do it all.
00:15:14Do you still think that?
00:15:17Do you still think that?
00:15:41There's a missing nomenclature for the transition to motherhood.
00:15:45Media, unfortunately, has sort of flattened it.
00:15:49But this is about being invited into our depth.
00:16:01Adolescence gets a name, gets a label.
00:16:05When we hear the word, we automatically think of just how complicated and difficult it is to move through that period in a young person's life.
00:16:13For mothers, we expect that they have a baby, spend time with the baby, and then go back to the same thing.
00:16:24Here's your six-week checkup and on your own.
00:16:26You grew a human.
00:16:29We forget the magnificence of that. The grandeur of that. We're not the same.
00:16:36We're not the same.
00:16:48Matrescence is the developmental process of becoming a mother.
00:16:52It's going to affect and change many, many areas of your life that make you human.
00:16:58Biologically, neurologically, relationally, socially, existentially.
00:17:05You go through something akin to puberty.
00:17:08It's a very disorienting time.
00:17:10I was really excited to get back out into the mountains.
00:17:19I had a nanny that could travel with me.
00:17:22Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:17:26The resort closes, I think, at 335, so I shouldn't be more than four.
00:17:31But I think I painted it to be a lot more simple than it was.
00:17:35Okay, should we have them lock the house?
00:17:37Toa and Bridget are here.
00:17:39Oh, sorry, yeah.
00:17:41Come on, Brayden.
00:17:42In the boot room, I stupidly left my pump.
00:17:49Stupid.
00:17:51There are all these different aspects of it that contribute to the storm.
00:17:57Your brain is being bathed in a lot of hormones.
00:18:03It's starting to bring tremendous neuroplasticity.
00:18:07Your mind is changing.
00:18:09There's a million things going on in your mind all the time.
00:18:13You're thrust into an extended period of sleep deprivation.
00:18:18And so it absolutely contributes to this concept that in some ways we kind of joke about mom brain.
00:18:26But what's really going on are all of these enormous shifts.
00:18:29Women are sold a bill of goods that it's easy, natural, blissful, perfect.
00:18:35You'll get this, everyone's done it before you.
00:18:40Don't worry about it.
00:18:42And that's just not how it is.
00:18:44Baby has another tooth coming in.
00:18:58Because she's uncomfortable.
00:19:00The non-dream feed totally backfired.
00:19:03I normally can do the dream feed and he's immediately out and then I can go to sleep.
00:19:07So instead he woke up and he was up for an hour and wouldn't settle.
00:19:11But I think it's because I've been pumping so much that my milk isn't, when he has it, it's not as hearty.
00:19:20Because I've been like eliminating it throughout the day.
00:19:24And so I think it's a combination of him being hungry and it was just a bad night to try to stop dream feeding.
00:19:31It's always something though.
00:19:34Definitely.
00:19:35Is he standing or laying?
00:19:36Is he standing or laying?
00:19:40All right Kimmy, we're ready.
00:20:04That didn't work.
00:20:27That didn't work.
00:20:34Do you think I'll be okay if I'm not home for an hour?
00:20:37Okay.
00:20:39Hi Koa.
00:20:41I know, I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have seen you.
00:20:44Okay. Bye.
00:20:47Why should I just go home?
00:20:48I know.
00:21:06Yeah.
00:21:08What's going on?
00:21:09My body is doing things that I've never had it do before.
00:21:30I haven't slept through the night in 10 months.
00:21:33Not once.
00:21:35Every morning, I wake up around 4.
00:21:40And I would have already been up like two or three times during the night.
00:21:44From the moment I wake up, I never really have time to think about anything for myself.
00:21:51Koa won't take a bottle that well.
00:21:54And so it's a cycle of trying to figure out when to feed and pump.
00:22:02He'll go down for his first nap around 7 in the morning.
00:22:05And then I get geared up to go out there.
00:22:07But my body is disconnected.
00:22:11I don't feel like myself.
00:22:14That first few weeks back to work, for that mom who might be separating from her child for the very first time, what space is made for her to grieve even that loss?
00:22:32There's these opposing forces of who you were before, but then also new motherhood.
00:22:51I'm just feeling stressed.
00:22:56I don't know how to cure your anxiety if you won't tell me what you want me to do.
00:23:01I don't think there's any way to cure this.
00:23:07It's just a new reality.
00:23:09A lot of women want to kind of give back to their old body.
00:23:16They feel attached to maybe who they were in the past.
00:23:19But estrogen, progesterone drop.
00:23:22And estrogen is really important for things like muscle mass, strength, coordination.
00:23:28Those of us who are perfectionistic or type A's struggle the most because somehow you're going to get it right.
00:23:39Like you can do motherhood like you did your job.
00:23:42You're super competent at that and you're going to do it right here too.
00:23:45Hard hit.
00:23:48This experience comes with an enormous amount of joy.
00:23:53These moments that you can't even describe, like they're full body experiences.
00:24:00There's also an enormous amount of grieving.
00:24:03I miss my sense of control.
00:24:05I miss my flexibility.
00:24:06I miss my spontaneity.
00:24:08I miss me.
00:24:12We can feel two completely different feelings.
00:24:15We can have two completely different thoughts or ten all at the same time.
00:24:21We've had to give up a lot of what makes us who we are.
00:24:25Personally it's taken so much away from me.
00:24:29I'm dealing with a different body.
00:24:31I'm not as strong.
00:24:32I just don't trust that if I wasn't breastfeeding it wouldn't even be an issue.
00:24:35I don't know if I'm willing to sacrifice that.
00:24:36Like I want to be out there.
00:24:37He comes first.
00:24:38Making it easier on our relationship.
00:24:40I want you to be productive.
00:24:41Like I have a career too.
00:24:42Even if I pump away from home I have to have a milk supply when I get home.
00:24:46It's like you just don't understand.
00:24:48I do understand.
00:24:50I just feel like I have to give up.
00:24:53I'm trying to encourage her as much as I can.
00:25:10Trying to make sure COA is priority number one but at the same time we're paying to be
00:25:16here.
00:25:17We have our filmer here.
00:25:18We have a lot of responsibility and I need to continue doing my job.
00:25:23Three, two, one, go back up.
00:25:31I'll do it again.
00:25:33I know she doesn't mean it when she doesn't want to snowboard anymore.
00:25:38I just can't read what she really wants and I don't think she knows what she wants.
00:25:46Then we have a whole new dynamic with having a nanny here and the reality is Kimmy's had
00:25:53some really tough times as a child with a caregiver.
00:25:58And so she's been terrified to leave COA with anyone.
00:26:03I love you, COA.
00:26:06I love you, I love you, I love you.
00:26:10Yeah.
00:26:11Sorry, COA.
00:26:27So much happens that no one can see.
00:26:31So many things are brought up that you try to avoid.
00:26:36Our children are our mirrors.
00:26:39And so anything you didn't deal with before, you're going to eventually have to deal with
00:26:44it with your child.
00:26:45Is that all?
00:26:51My family was supposed to be my safe place.
00:26:56But one specific person was dangerous.
00:27:00My first memory with him was at a family gathering.
00:27:04I feel I have to take advantage of being able to do this while somebody's watching Kimmy.
00:27:09He had me hold his hand and walk down a hallway, left the door cracked.
00:27:16And I sat in his lap and read a book.
00:27:21But what was happening wasn't reading.
00:27:25He was molesting kids.
00:27:32And it happened to me.
00:27:34Spent the whole morning in the pool.
00:27:40It went on for at least five years in different ways.
00:27:46My mom would ask me if anything had ever happened with him.
00:27:55But I always said no.
00:27:58Once we become a mother.
00:27:59We become a mother.
00:28:00We become a mother.
00:28:04We bring all of these ghosts into the nursery with us.
00:28:23Even if I make sense of that experience and heal from that experience, that all comes rushing back in.
00:28:42I am incredibly afraid that the same thing is going to happen to him or her.
00:28:52It's nearly impossible.
00:28:55When we look at women who have got money or fame or beauty or whatever it is.
00:29:01There's like three ounces of milk in the fridge.
00:29:03It's sort of natural to think, well, they must have it all together.
00:29:07But we're all fair game.
00:29:12You can't buy your way out of it.
00:29:17I was having such deep levels of anxiety.
00:29:21I was losing myself.
00:29:24You can't do your work well if you're trying to protect your child.
00:29:28All day you're not trusting yourself.
00:29:30You're not feeling supported.
00:29:32So you're no longer working off skill.
00:29:34You're working off emotion.
00:29:35That's always dangerous.
00:29:44I hit a tree with my hand.
00:29:46I was doing a big turn for a photo.
00:29:48It's going to be okay, but I have to go home to get surgery.
00:29:52So now this begins the process of me and Koa getting home with my wrist broken.
00:30:02What are you doing?
00:30:03What are you doing?
00:30:04I was relieved.
00:30:05It bought me a little bit of time.
00:30:09It's also the second anniversary of my mom's passing.
00:30:13And so the irony of it is pretty unbelievable.
00:30:18When I hit the tree with my hand and when that all happened, it was like basically the exact time that she passed away.
00:30:27So for some reason I got a smack on the wrist.
00:30:38I always saw my mom as somebody who could do it all.
00:30:42She never made me feel like she was stressed or overwhelmed.
00:30:46And not having her, I have nobody to talk to about all this that I'm feeling.
00:31:01When she was passing away, she said, are you sure you've asked me everything you want to ask me?
00:31:06If I could give her a list now.
00:31:09When we lose the elder mothers, we lose that transmission of wisdom.
00:31:24We're in a capitalist, individualistic culture.
00:31:28It disperses us.
00:31:30That's the problem with motherhood in Western society.
00:31:33It's too isolating.
00:31:36Our family members and our friends are scattered far and wide.
00:31:41In order for the mother to give to her young, she needs to be held, too.
00:31:47But who's holding the mother?
00:31:50Hey, Bubba.
00:31:51Want a bathroom?
00:31:52Yeah.
00:31:53It's time for bed, huh?
00:31:54Oh, hi.
00:31:55What's your daddy doing?
00:31:56In the garage, liquor mounting skis.
00:31:57It's a binding.
00:31:58This is the cap to the wood glue.
00:31:59You like caps.
00:32:00This is an Allen wrench.
00:32:01Yeah.
00:32:02It's pretty neat.
00:32:03Pretty neat.
00:32:04Pretty neat.
00:32:05I got a call from my team manager at Burton for a spring photo shoot.
00:32:10And it was going to be the most ambitious trip that I had ever said yes to.
00:32:16I got a call from my team manager at Burton for a spring photo shoot, and it was going
00:32:27to be the most ambitious trip that I had ever said yes to.
00:32:30Chris was coming with me.
00:32:33Nicely done.
00:32:34To be with Koa.
00:32:37That was going to make me feel so much more confident in the mountains.
00:32:41I wanted to try again.
00:32:43But immediately, I felt like I had made the wrong decision.
00:32:55I'm going to be a bit aggressive, I think.
00:32:58We're in the Arctic.
00:33:01It's cold.
00:33:02I think that would be.
00:33:03You like the cold.
00:33:04I was expecting to see like a big old boat.
00:33:07Not so much.
00:33:09Hopefully we brought enough clothes for him.
00:33:12Did we bring enough clothes for you?
00:33:14The captain said, we've never had a 13 month old on the boat, but you're welcome to bring him.
00:33:21Just wondering.
00:33:22We got a little over our heads.
00:33:23We maxed out the boat.
00:33:24So every ounce of space is taken.
00:33:25They're like, just pack a little light.
00:33:26You can't do that with a baby.
00:33:27Maybe I should just get back on a flight.
00:33:29Should I get back on a flight?
00:33:30Should I send Chris back on a flight?
00:33:32Should I send Chris back on a flight?
00:33:39The boat was smaller than we expected.
00:33:40We were in tight quarters.
00:33:42Surrounded by the Arctic Ocean.
00:33:43We were in tight quarters.
00:33:44Surrounded by the Arctic Ocean.
00:33:45The boat was smaller than we expected.
00:33:49We were in tight quarters.
00:33:50Surrounded by the Arctic Ocean.
00:33:55With a child that just learned how to walk.
00:34:02Plus, it's 24 hours of sunlight.
00:34:1814 hours north of the most north city in Norway.
00:34:23What happened?
00:34:28How are we going to do this?
00:34:53What do you see?
00:34:54Nice.
00:34:55Yeah, it's potato.
00:34:56Turns out you don't like potato.
00:34:57I've tried to feed it to you many times.
00:34:58Do you like blueberries?
00:35:00Are you excited?
00:35:01It looks really fun.
00:35:02You are one hungry child.
00:35:03What else can I feed you?
00:35:04Running out of options here, kiddo.
00:35:06Have you given him a pouch?
00:35:07There's lots of pouches.
00:35:08There's oatmeal.
00:35:09This guy.
00:35:10Doesn't know what to feed our child.
00:35:11Hey!
00:35:12Hey!
00:35:13There you go.
00:35:14It's not too high.
00:35:15Yeah, that's it.
00:35:16One of the first lines while we're in Norway.
00:35:18Let me just set the stage.
00:35:19I remember hiking this line, it was first thing in the morning, and I had to go to the bathroom.
00:35:48We get to this little safety spot, and I tell the crew, I'll meet you guys at the top.
00:35:56What they didn't know is that I had already shit my pants.
00:36:01Not a contained shit.
00:36:03It was down my leggings.
00:36:05It was a mess.
00:36:08And all I could keep thinking was, I still have to fucking make it to the top.
00:36:13Ride back down.
00:36:14Somehow clean my pants because I only have one pair of pants.
00:36:18So I'm like using baby wipes.
00:36:20I'm like cleaning this stuff out.
00:36:21I'm trying to cover it up in snow.
00:36:23They're like, you good?
00:36:26I'm so good.
00:36:27What's your buddy's story?
00:36:28I cannot put it on camera.
00:36:29I have to tell you something.
00:36:30I'm so tired.
00:36:31Babe.
00:36:32Mid-Mountain Deuce.
00:36:33It was awesome.
00:36:34I'm proud.
00:36:35That was proud of Kimmy.
00:36:36We don't talk about anything that goes on down there.
00:36:49Leaking, pooping, bowel function, prolapse.
00:36:53All these things are not sexy.
00:36:55But they're common.
00:36:56And we need to be more compassionate and patient with ourselves when it comes to healing.
00:37:01It can only go up from there.
00:37:03No, it only goes down.
00:37:05Oh, how the world keeps on spinning.
00:37:10It goes spinning out of control.
00:37:15How the world keeps on spinning.
00:37:19It goes spinning out of control.
00:37:24How the world keeps on spinning.
00:37:28It goes spinning out of control.
00:37:31How the world keeps on spinning.
00:37:33It goes spinning, yeah.
00:37:35Oh my gosh.
00:37:36Look at that fresh bread.
00:37:37Oh, are you not that open for me, little Buster?
00:37:38Come here, dude.
00:37:39Yeah.
00:37:40We had a really cozy bed for the bathroom.
00:37:43And she slept for like 12 hours.
00:37:44You must just feel like he's still in the belly or something.
00:37:50Just swaying and rocking the boat.
00:37:53It's the first time in his whole life that he had slept through the night and slept that long.
00:37:58I think we're gonna be okay.
00:37:59Mom doesn't know I'm sneaking out.
00:38:00We have some code words.
00:38:01Gary needs an ice cream.
00:38:02Gary needs an ice cream.
00:38:03Gary needs an ice cream.
00:38:04Gary needs an ice cream.
00:38:05Gary needs an ice cream.
00:38:06Gary needs an ice cream.
00:38:07Gary needs an ice cream.
00:38:08Not having any connection to the outside world, it just makes it really easy to be here.
00:38:33And have a journal that I've sat down out here to start writing in it.
00:38:37And my pen died.
00:38:38And I was like, okay.
00:38:39I guess it's just time to just chill.
00:38:44Working jobs and having kids.
00:38:47There is this feeling like I'm trying to do both these things at the same time.
00:38:52And I'm failing at both.
00:38:54But I just think it's a setup and a trap.
00:38:57You can't do everything well.
00:38:59Time is finite.
00:39:01If you've only got an hour with your kid every day, be there.
00:39:06Where's the tiger?
00:39:08Yeah.
00:39:09Those are penguins.
00:39:10People think that happiness is a destination.
00:39:14But joy, happiness, those are moments of time.
00:39:18It keeps spinning.
00:39:19It goes spinning.
00:39:20Yeah.
00:39:21It goes spinning.
00:39:22Yeah.
00:39:23It goes spinning.
00:39:24It goes spinning.
00:39:25Yeah.
00:39:26It goes spinning.
00:39:27Yeah.
00:39:28off the rug.
00:39:29Yeah.
00:39:30Yes.
00:39:31We'll feel nothing.
00:39:32Haha.
00:39:33That was probably the closest we'll ever get.
00:39:50That was probably the closest we'll ever get to the old adage that it takes a village.
00:40:05You were saying mom the whole way down and she gets here and you know she's excited.
00:40:20Mama's boy.
00:40:34That's what I need. I just need more of that. Just had to take coming to the Arctic.
00:40:38As soon as I got service, I had this overwhelming amount of messages.
00:40:57There was a huge conversation happening about how protections for maternity were changing.
00:41:04Alicia Montano wrote an op-ed about an inequality in pregnancy with track and field athletes.
00:41:15In response, Donna came forward that she was changing all women's contracts at Burton to include maternity care.
00:41:23I was so grateful to Kimi. She forced us to confront this issue.
00:41:28You cannot underestimate the power of a role model.
00:41:33A young woman has to see herself.
00:41:36And the next generation is going to have the example of Kimi Fasani.
00:41:42This has been the biggest year of learning and adapting and slowing down in my life, Mama says.
00:41:48You have water on Mama's story.
00:41:52Oops.
00:41:53My intention was never to be a pioneer.
00:42:00We're going to go snowboarding.
00:42:02You don't want to?
00:42:04We're going to go meet all the other little kids.
00:42:06Do you want to go meet all the little kids?
00:42:08No.
00:42:10I promise you'll have fun.
00:42:12We're on the stairs.
00:42:17All of a sudden, I'm changing women's snowboarding.
00:42:24Everybody thinks I'm doing it all.
00:42:28But in the real world,
00:42:33every day is a challenge.
00:42:38I'm not superwoman.
00:42:40The biggest healing that was given to adolescents was to tell them you can become anything you want when you grow up.
00:42:54For mothers, we've been given a close-ended process.
00:42:58You need to become this mother.
00:42:59No human can live up to this procured expectation that society has formulated for us.
00:43:09And so what ends up happening is we feel so bad about ourselves.
00:43:13Should I be doing this?
00:43:15Who am I?
00:43:16Is it okay that I'm this person?
00:43:18We lose our core.
00:43:19Your definition of yourself starts to change.
00:43:24Your perspective starts to shift and many people don't understand how encompassing it can be.
00:43:31We usually silence around things that are complicated, uncomfortable.
00:43:36And silencing around motherhood is very commonplace because what you want to talk about is the hard stuff.
00:43:44But if you were to speak up, we might wonder if you're okay.
00:43:51Look at that's a nine.
00:43:54That's a nine.
00:43:56I'll ski for a little bit and then I'll fly out to Denver.
00:44:00We have an art show on the 28th.
00:44:03Do you think you'll be able to see all that?
00:44:06Yeah, we can make anything work.
00:44:08But it's a completely separate job and it's so much work for me.
00:44:11Well, we need to find some time.
00:44:14Green light.
00:44:17Now that COA was a little more independent, there was a little bit more freedom for me.
00:44:21I had an opportunity to be on a couple trips that winter.
00:44:25And one of them was back in Alaska.
00:44:29And I was looking forward to that.
00:44:32Do you want to go back to that?
00:44:35At the same time, I was presented with the biggest project of my career by far.
00:44:44And I had to jump on it.
00:44:47This is all just like coming at me full speed.
00:44:51And so I'm just trying to make everything happen.
00:44:54The project keeps growing and growing and growing.
00:44:56Yes, exactly.
00:44:58Generally, how it works is when the sun is out, it's daytime.
00:45:01And we do stuff.
00:45:02The rest of the time is night.
00:45:04Chris has so many moving parts right now.
00:45:06I just feel like he's stretched really thin.
00:45:12Chris was planning a film.
00:45:15And it was taking him across the world.
00:45:18I would never want to be the one that says, you cannot do this.
00:45:22I get it.
00:45:24But we were not on the same path.
00:45:27I was being put in the position of, this is what you do.
00:45:31Let me get your water.
00:45:34Mama has a sore throat, so she doesn't want you to drink out of my water.
00:45:37But you can have this.
00:45:41You want soup right now?
00:45:43Yeah.
00:45:45Do you want tea instead?
00:45:47Yeah.
00:45:48You want some tea?
00:45:49No.
00:45:51I'm sorry.
00:45:53You're saying sorry?
00:45:54No.
00:45:55No.
00:45:57Months went by.
00:45:58I was just waiting.
00:46:03You want to read it now?
00:46:05No.
00:46:06Okay, I'll hold that.
00:46:08No, mama.
00:46:09Do you want me to move?
00:46:10Yeah.
00:46:11Okay.
00:46:13But there was so much joy because I was home with Koa.
00:46:22And it felt isolating and lonely.
00:46:26Your hands are cold.
00:46:27You should probably go in soon, okay?
00:46:30Confusing, really.
00:46:32So I made it here pretty quick.
00:46:34I wanted that freedom.
00:46:37That freedom that I saw Chris have.
00:46:40I was envious of his freedom.
00:46:43Women and mothers carry a much higher mental load.
00:46:58Even couples who have the best intentions on splitting things equally slip into these same patterns.
00:47:05Society just puts a lot more parental expectation on women and mothers.
00:47:13The self-sacrificing mother is a trope that is also problematic.
00:47:19You're supposed to do it in a masochistic way and enjoy it the whole time.
00:47:23It's actually a grief process.
00:47:26That time of me, mine, I, that's done.
00:47:30I need to start making moves.
00:47:32Watching movies.
00:47:33No, you're not going to watch a movie.
00:47:36That's not a very nice voice.
00:47:40Mama's trying to work too.
00:47:42Would you like an apple?
00:47:44Please.
00:47:45Thank you, girls.
00:47:46Can I have a big kiss?
00:47:47That was so sweet.
00:47:52I see Chris just non-stop.
00:47:55Moving, going, always saying yes.
00:48:00It frustrates her that I can't say no.
00:48:03What she doesn't understand is how much I actually do say no to.
00:48:07I have to head out of town so I don't have all day, but...
00:48:11She wants me to throw my phone out the window, but...
00:48:16This is me.
00:48:18Through this whole process, I wanted it to be an experiential thing.
00:48:22And it's always been me.
00:48:28The first three years of having a child is the hardest on any couple.
00:48:31You're in a stressful time like no other.
00:48:34What should happen is that stress gets processed.
00:48:37It gets moved.
00:48:38In the wild, animals shake their bodies.
00:48:40They move.
00:48:42But if you don't do that, it's more of like a shutdown.
00:48:46You're just dissociated as a way to cope.
00:48:48For many women, postpartum depression is the thing that they're not realizing that they're experiencing.
00:48:55I wouldn't be who I am without what I do.
00:49:06You know, I don't just snowboard because it's cool.
00:49:12I snowboard because it's what I love.
00:49:17It's also the thing that helps me deal with hard moments.
00:49:22So, going to Alaska is something that...
00:49:26The last time I was there was when my mom died.
00:49:28And it was so healing.
00:49:29And it was so healing.
00:49:30the last time I was there was a while.
00:49:31I love to know like that!
00:49:32where are you?
00:49:33I love you!
00:49:34Here's where dad was.
00:49:35It's really hard to find the balance between two people that are super passionate about
00:50:03what they do, or if one person really does have to give all of that up.
00:50:10If you had any suggestions on how you want to see February line up, and I know you can't
00:50:18create plans, that's...
00:50:20Well, it's like, I'm just trying to see it.
00:50:25Okay, so, it's just asking ourselves, are we happy?
00:50:35I'm just trying to make a plan so that I have an answer.
00:50:38Anything I say isn't what you want to hear, so...
00:50:41Jerk.
00:50:43How am I such a jerk?
00:50:44I'm playing devil's advocate.
00:50:46It always blows up into everything, you know, like our whole life together.
00:50:58We throw the word around, the divorce word, and I'm dealing with so much of my own and
00:51:07becoming a father.
00:51:09Everything feels personal.
00:51:12How hard are we willing to push in our own directions, and what's going to break first?
00:51:23Pardon?
00:51:24Delete Chris's phone.
00:51:26Pardon?
00:51:27Whatever, just leave it.
00:51:28Chris's phone.
00:51:30Pardon?
00:51:31I'm in a wallet.
00:51:33I needed to be back on my board so that I could be a better mother.
00:51:37I was going to take COA on a trip, and I leaned into having a nanny.
00:51:45That was my option.
00:51:48And yet, I still doubted that my child would be okay in somebody else's care.
00:51:51I left COA and our nanny so that I could film with the crew.
00:52:03As soon as I walked back into the room, COA is really pale and pretty lethargic.
00:52:12I take him into a clinic.
00:52:15The nurse is like, if he doesn't pee by the end of the night, take him to the emergency
00:52:20room.
00:52:22He doesn't pee.
00:52:24And I get to the emergency room, and the woman looks at me blank in the face and says,
00:52:29we have to get your child out of here immediately.
00:52:32He is extremely sick.
00:52:33Mama.
00:52:35Mama.
00:52:37Mama.
00:52:40It's okay.
00:52:41Mama, I don't know.
00:52:43Mama.
00:52:45COA has kidney failure.
00:52:52Chris jumped on the first flight he could, and they started dialysis on COA, just hoping
00:52:57that his body would go into self-rescue.
00:53:03It felt like we were going to lose our child.
00:53:13I just detached from anything else.
00:53:18All the busyness stopped.
00:53:21We never meant to jeopardize him.
00:53:26To think that I'm trying to go snowboarding, and my kid almost dies, I would have never forgiven
00:53:33myself.
00:53:39It was a reminder to what is important in life.
00:53:43That goes right there.
00:53:45That does go right there.
00:53:47It was three weeks that we were in the hospital with COA, and we got really lucky.
00:53:53The dialysis worked.
00:53:55They feel like it was a link to bacteria like E. coli or Salmonella, and COA was able
00:54:03to recover.
00:54:05How about this?
00:54:08Come on.
00:54:09Oh, man, how many do you see?
00:54:11Oh, that was a good one.
00:54:13One, two, three.
00:54:17I want to get you.
00:54:19I want to get you.
00:54:23Oh, pop a bubble.
00:54:26Did we hit him?
00:54:27Yeah.
00:54:27Did he hit you?
00:54:28Yeah.
00:54:28I just want to hide.
00:54:30Boo!
00:54:31Can you say boo?
00:54:32Boo!
00:54:32Boo!
00:54:32Boo!
00:54:32Boo!
00:54:33Boo!
00:54:33Boo!
00:54:34Boo!
00:54:34Boo!
00:54:35Boo!
00:54:35Boo!
00:54:35Boo!
00:54:36Boo!
00:54:36Boo!
00:54:36Boo!
00:54:37Boo!
00:54:37Boo!
00:54:38Boo!
00:54:38Boo!
00:54:39Boo!
00:54:39Boo!
00:54:39Boo!
00:54:40Boo!
00:54:40Boo!
00:54:41Boo!
00:54:42Boo!
00:54:58Motherhood is so rife with shoulds and supposed tos, convincing ourselves that we should and
00:55:04are supposed to be showing up in all these different ways.
00:55:10Where's Mama and Dada going?
00:55:12Working.
00:55:13We're going to go working?
00:55:14Yeah.
00:55:15Where are we going?
00:55:16Is it a place called Alaska?
00:55:17Yeah.
00:55:18Yeah.
00:55:19I'll see you in Reno.
00:55:20Drive safe.
00:55:21I love you so much.
00:55:22But a lot of the pressures that we feel, we do put on ourselves.
00:55:29Watermelon, obviously, healthy sight.
00:55:31It was already hard enough for me to leave.
00:55:33Yeah.
00:55:34But it was the end of the season.
00:55:36So I really wanted to try one last time.
00:55:39And at that time, it wasn't safe for COA to travel.
00:55:42Just stay up on hand washing with this whole rotavirus thing.
00:55:45Mammoth is closed until further notice.
00:55:46They just closed the Canada border, too.
00:55:47It's crazy in town, but...
00:55:48Yeah.
00:55:49It's a long way home.
00:55:50I have to trust her.
00:55:51I do trust her.
00:55:52If you feel 100%, trust...
00:55:53Of course I can't say I feel 100%!
00:55:54I'm trying to let go of it, because there's nothing I can do.
00:55:55Yeah.
00:55:56I need to do my job.
00:55:57Yeah.
00:55:58I keep bathing.
00:56:00I keep bathing.
00:56:02It's true.
00:56:03It's a long way home.
00:56:04It's a long way home.
00:56:09It's a long way home.
00:56:14It's a long way home.
00:56:20I need to do my job.
00:56:21I keep bailing on my job, and I have to be here.
00:56:23I want to be here.
00:56:24I want you to be here.
00:56:25That's why I'm trying to figure out myself
00:56:27of getting out of here.
00:56:31I'm very grateful that Chris is going home.
00:56:37And I'm choosing to stay in Alaska.
00:56:42It's a tug of war with your heart.
00:56:44The general consensus within our group
00:56:50is that everyone's going to stay.
00:56:53I feel like I'm being pulled,
00:56:55but I can't tell which way I'm being pulled.
00:56:58I love you.
00:56:59I love you.
00:57:01You're supposed to leave that side of you
00:57:04when you show up in the mountains.
00:57:10Selfishly, I want to be here, and I want to snowboard.
00:57:14The other selfish part of me
00:57:18really wants to be home and mammoth
00:57:21with my son and Chris,
00:57:22and if we're all together,
00:57:25it's like that's all that matters.
00:57:31There's a multiple-lane highway in your head
00:57:34the minute you become a parent.
00:57:37You have to find a way to make peace
00:57:38with what your choices are,
00:57:40and that sounds a lot easier than it is.
00:57:44I don't think you'll get stuck forever.
00:57:48I know.
00:57:48And that's what's hard.
00:57:50It's like,
00:57:50I don't want to be sitting here selfish.
00:57:54It's almost like forcing that choice
00:57:58of family first,
00:58:02which obviously is first.
00:58:05I'm home, and we're going to be on lockdown.
00:58:13There's a stay-at-home ordinance happening in Mammoth.
00:58:19For a while, they're saying, like,
00:58:34confine, isolate yourself for two weeks.
00:58:36So we'll have a lot of family time
00:58:39between now and then.
00:58:55Can I take a photo of you?
00:58:56I can't do it.
00:58:59I think you just did it.
00:59:00Can you show me again?
00:59:01I don't know.
00:59:03Can you slip into your bindings?
00:59:05You're trying to get your straps on?
00:59:06Yeah.
00:59:14Hi, buddy.
00:59:26I'm going to have my snort and work on it.
00:59:50It used to always be about, like, first chair.
00:59:52Now it's just, can I get out of the house?
00:59:56Can I get out of the house?
00:59:58You think you can get out of the house?
01:00:01There was a rekindling with Chris and I.
01:00:03There was a healing.
01:00:06We were spending the most time we had ever spent together.
01:00:11We found peace and joy,
01:00:13and all these wonderful things happened.
01:00:23Can you give us up on another kiss?
01:00:25Can you give him a nose, Maggie?
01:00:32We didn't have plans on the horizon.
01:00:35We got 13, 5.
01:00:39It felt so right.
01:00:43How'd it be?
01:00:4410, 30.
01:00:47Babies, they know when their mom leaves the house.
01:00:49So, I wouldn't be surprised if I get a call too.
01:00:53But at least I know this time around.
01:00:55Now it's just more cherished to be able to get one run.
01:00:58One run feels like a really good thing.
01:01:00Matrescence, while the starting point might be clear,
01:01:13the end point isn't clear.
01:01:15It happens again and again with every child.
01:01:19It may last a lifetime.
01:01:23And so we bring in the image of the spiral,
01:01:26meaning we might return to the same ground,
01:01:29but on a different level.
01:01:32It's almost like we're back in the same place,
01:01:33but totally different people.
01:01:37If we learned all of that in three years,
01:01:40what are we going to learn now?
01:01:42Mom, look out!
01:01:44Oh, man!
01:01:45Snowball attack!
01:01:49Oh, no!
01:01:50They've identified this blanket term of inflammatory breast cancer,
01:02:17but now they're going to see what hormones attach to it,
01:02:22and then that's going to identify the exact type.
01:02:29It's just not what we were set up for this season.
01:02:32It was small, right on the edge of my chest,
01:02:42and I associated the lump in my breast to clog milk ducts.
01:02:49It never even crossed my mind.
01:02:53I remember doing a self-check, feeling that lump,
01:02:58and then moving into my armpit and stopping.
01:03:04There was a pea-sized, rock-hard nodule.
01:03:07That was Saturday.
01:03:08Monday at 9 a.m., I saw a breast specialist.
01:03:13The doctor said,
01:03:23you have inflammatory breast cancer, stop breastfeeding immediately.
01:03:28This type of cancer is really aggressive.
01:03:29You're going to have to be in chemo as fast as possible.
01:03:31All I wanted was a pause button.
01:03:32Silver car!
01:03:33Silver car!
01:03:34Silver car!
01:03:35Red car!
01:03:36Nice!
01:03:37Silver truck!
01:03:38Silver truck!
01:03:40Silver truck!
01:03:41Silver truck!
01:03:44This type of cancer is really aggressive.
01:03:50You're going to have to be in chemo as fast as possible.
01:03:54All I wanted was a pause button.
01:03:58Silver car! Silver car!
01:04:01Red car!
01:04:03Silver car! Silver truck!
01:04:15You already can't handle the amount of shit you have to do,
01:04:20so why not add on that you have to move again?
01:04:26Not using it this year.
01:04:31She did all of the right things.
01:04:33She's healthy, she takes care of her body.
01:04:37I wish it were me in her place.
01:04:40She's given my life value and purpose.
01:04:44Nikoa asked specifically that we bring those.
01:04:48I would be devastated to lose my partner.
01:04:53Can you tell me what's wrong?
01:04:55It feels so better to be gone.
01:04:58But I just wish nothing more than that our children get their mother.
01:05:08This is actually a bag of pens that my mom had.
01:05:11For some reason she had like a million.
01:05:15But anytime I need a new pen, I just come down and see what she had.
01:05:19Like I haven't even had time to go through and like separate myself from her life.
01:05:25Now I'm trying to separate myself from my own life.
01:05:34When my mom was diagnosed, she knew all the facts.
01:05:37I mean only 2.4% of breast cancers are inflammatory.
01:05:42This is not something that I see even once a year.
01:05:46This is something.
01:05:47She had witnessed enough people going through chemo.
01:05:50And she knew what she was going to do.
01:05:54I watched my mom go through this.
01:05:57I watched my dad go through this.
01:05:59And it's just so hard to imagine that I'm doing this now.
01:06:03Makes me sad.
01:06:05Makes me sad for my boys.
01:06:06So what I could do is put you on Wednesday, which is to separate me from the night work for you.
01:06:12Um...
01:06:14Wednesday.
01:06:16Would you be able to...
01:06:20My mom told me that she was taking the end of life drugs.
01:06:24And my whole world just collapsed.
01:06:27I packed my bags.
01:06:33Drove through a blizzard.
01:06:36And it was once again just her and I.
01:06:39Embarking on this journey of end of life.
01:06:43It's good night.
01:06:46Gonna be a lot lighter.
01:06:49Don't get him mixed up with the good hair.
01:06:51Did you know that every living thing is made up of tiny little guys called cells?
01:07:07They make hearts pump.
01:07:09Lungs breathe.
01:07:12He's coming to the cancer party!
01:07:14Coming to the cancer party!
01:07:16But every once in a while one of the cells forgets what its job is.
01:07:19job is. And since it doesn't know what else to do, it decides to have a...
01:07:23HADAAA!
01:07:25Yay! Before long, it's a big party.
01:07:29Okay, so I'm going to spray you a lot today. Can you keep going?
01:07:52Here it ends. No one's gonna shed a tear. No need to shout. Just to stand silent.
01:08:10That's where the medicine went, in the mama. Isn't that cool?
01:08:14Do you have a hole there now? Yeah, see?
01:08:17We will spend time in the early morning's haze. You sit and wait, watching for glasses through blank eyes. This is not what you wanted.
01:08:38We have to go get mommy on the airplane before she's late.
01:08:42How do we shut that cancer party down? How?
01:08:47Well, I have to keep going to the doctor.
01:08:50This is not what you wanted.
01:08:58I just got out of the shower, and I'm losing my hair.
01:09:04How are you feeling?
01:09:06Okay.
01:09:08What? You're trying to get Koa's food, I know.
01:09:12What? Okay. Oh, look, he's sharing. Oh, thanks.
01:09:15We'll give it back soon.
01:09:17Parenting in the best of times, it's a challenge.
01:09:21There's just not a lot of room for things to go wrong.
01:09:24Sometimes you're just like, I'm just going to go through the day and try to survive.
01:09:29Mommy!
01:09:30But then that emotional connection to a child is life-sustaining.
01:09:34Your hair is somewhere going.
01:09:37Your bandwidth is stretched.
01:09:41Real motherhood is.
01:09:43All of the feelings, all of the thoughts.
01:09:46This is not what you wanted.
01:09:52We're watching all this because that'd be sick, so we're going to...
01:09:54Mommy can't get sick, so this is a big deal.
01:09:56Ask me to do this stuff.
01:09:57I don't know how to ask.
01:09:58What do you mean you don't know how to ask?
01:09:59You stop.
01:10:00Mommy, I thought we were going to that, Mark.
01:10:02Yeah.
01:10:03I love you.
01:10:04I love you.
01:10:06I love you.
01:10:07This is not our connection, though.
01:10:09Excuse me?
01:10:10I love you.
01:10:11I love you.
01:10:12Nobody wants to help me.
01:10:13You know what I asked?
01:10:14I love you.
01:10:15Don't turn.
01:10:16I'm just fucking taking it.
01:10:18Mommy, I'm sick.
01:10:21Mom, I'm just wanting you to hold my feet.
01:10:24I understand, honey.
01:10:25It just really hurts when you kick my tummy.
01:10:27It's fast enough.
01:10:29It takes 10 minutes of my been off, basically.
01:10:38I know what it is.
01:10:40I don't want to get into account.
01:10:41Number 2, where was your friend?
01:10:42I'm just walking.
01:10:43I'm not walking.
01:10:44I'm just
01:10:54Do you want to help me make some food?
01:11:13No.
01:11:14No.
01:11:18Leg rest.
01:11:24Do you think I should climb up that tree?
01:11:27I mean, do you want to?
01:11:28Yeah.
01:11:29Okay.
01:11:31During those last days with my mom, neither of us could sleep well.
01:11:37So we would go watch the sunrise.
01:11:41We would talk.
01:11:43We would share stories.
01:11:45It was like being a kid again.
01:11:48We had no schedule.
01:11:49All we knew is that we wanted to be together.
01:11:51And I asked my mom, how am I going to know when you come back to visit me?
01:11:57She's like, oh, honey, I'm going to be ringing bells so loud.
01:12:01So cool.
01:12:03And then it was just the time.
01:12:11On the morning my mom died, she was meditating.
01:12:16She did not want to die in pain.
01:12:18She wanted to die on a joyous night after watching X Games with her closest friends and family around.
01:12:33She wasn't scared.
01:12:36She was ready.
01:12:39I was not ready.
01:12:40I remember holding her wrist and feeling her pulse.
01:12:58If I said, I love you, her pulse would get stronger.
01:13:06And I said, it's okay to let go.
01:13:09It would get fainter.
01:13:11Thank you, mom.
01:13:12You're welcome.
01:13:15And I felt like I was in this synchronicity with her.
01:13:19Did she let go?
01:13:34The mother, though in body she may not be here, she is very much internalized.
01:13:43And we're talking to her the whole time.
01:13:50We will live on in our own children in the same way.
01:13:54With each generation, I consider it a baton pass.
01:13:58Not like here, you take it.
01:14:00But more like, this is as far as I can get.
01:14:02Now you take it a little bit further.
01:14:04The mother, the mother, the mother, the mother.
01:14:34Pure joy is pure observation.
01:14:49Pure joy is mindful balance.
01:14:56Pure joy is total acceptance.
01:15:04Pure joy is peaceful completeness.
01:15:13Pure joy is loving kindness.
01:15:20Pure joy is right here, right now.
01:15:24Cheers!
01:15:26That was our first clip.
01:15:39Ah!
01:15:44Thank you!
01:15:54Such a beautiful day.
01:16:14The sun's coming up.
01:16:18The world's turned pretty quickly.
01:16:24They're surfing.
01:16:35Do you see your daddy?
01:16:39Most people thought I was crazy when I said I was going back to a competitive snowboard event.
01:16:47I'd just finished treatment, but I wanted to feel like myself.
01:16:54What's your favorite thing about mommy?
01:17:04Cuddling!
01:17:06Cuddling!
01:17:08How about you?
01:17:09Do you want to say, I love my mommy?
01:17:12Ta-da!
01:17:14There you go.
01:17:15I love you guys.
01:17:16I miss you.
01:17:17We love you, dear.
01:17:18I'm still not sold that I am capable of being a pro snowboarder and a mom.
01:17:27But I believe we can do more than we think we can.
01:17:35Good morning.
01:17:36Good morning.
01:17:36Regardless of when I leave my kids, I feel uncomfortable.
01:17:44But it's a feeling I've learned how to sit with.
01:17:48And I want my kids to bear witness to passion.
01:17:54I want them to be able to ground themselves in whatever makes them happy.
01:17:56If I'm not mistaken, I have to sit right here in the side.
01:18:01I think so.
01:18:02I think these are the best.
01:18:02Good job.
01:18:03Three, four, two, six, four.
01:18:05Welcome to the 2023 Natural Selection Tour.
01:18:10And we got 12 of the world's best snowboarders that are going to take to this course.
01:18:14Incredible!
01:18:14Alaska is always that place that really puts riders to the test, both mentally and physically.
01:18:19When I was being trained, I was very interested in women who survived cancers.
01:18:27If you survive a death-defying experience, you're confronted with your mortality.
01:18:32And you start to have a real reorientation, a real mind change.
01:18:42Kimi Fasani up next, a household name in snowboarding.
01:18:46And this incredibly talented rider is beginning a new chapter in her career.
01:18:52Moms don't get the credit that they deserve.
01:18:54Talk about real-world inspiration.
01:18:58I spoke with Kimi before, and she was asking herself,
01:19:01am I ready?
01:19:01Am I physically ready to get back at this?
01:19:03And her ultimate thought was, are we ever really ready?
01:19:07We were curious whether that change would happen
01:19:10with not only death-defying experiences, but life-affirming experiences.
01:19:14Like having children.
01:19:17Whether that's through adoption, surrogacy, step-parenting,
01:19:21a child can come into our life in many different ways.
01:19:25And when I started talking to parents,
01:19:27I heard the same story of this both-and experience.
01:19:32Tension of the opposites.
01:19:34The deep grief.
01:19:35The loss of the previous life as they knew it.
01:19:38But also this transformation.
01:19:42They were getting deeper and wider and better as humans.
01:19:46We've got to cheer her on. It's live.
01:19:48Here goes Momma.
01:19:49I don't think I'll be the best version of myself until the day I die.
01:20:06Look at that angle.
01:20:08Oh my gosh, that is so gnarly.
01:20:10Kimi Fasani in her element right now.
01:20:13This process of giving the self over
01:20:22to symbolic death and rebirth
01:20:26is the adventure.
01:20:29It's heroic.
01:20:29It's one of the most incredible comebacks
01:20:40in snowboarding history.
01:20:42Oh my God, that was so hard!
01:20:45Holy shit.
01:20:47I mean, sugar.
01:20:48I've got it!
01:21:09All of the time that we took for granted
01:21:29Thinking tomorrow's just another day
01:21:35Sun on your face with the windows open
01:21:40I never got the chance to say
01:21:46I know your wings are getting heavy
01:21:52You can't let go when you're ready
01:21:59To fly, fly
01:22:05I know I meet between heaven and the sky
01:22:13I, I'll try
01:22:19I, I'm gonna try to find the good
01:22:24After goodbye, butterfly
01:22:30You come down to visit your favorite flower
01:22:36Catching the wind in the light of day
01:22:42Keep sending me bittersweet reminders
01:22:46Signs, signs, you're never really far away
01:22:56You know I will always need you
01:23:03I feel better when I see you
01:23:08But I, fly
01:23:12I know I meet between heaven and the sky
01:23:20I, I'll try
01:23:26I'm gonna try to find the good after goodbye
01:23:33Butterfly, butterfly, fly
01:23:43Till next time
01:23:47Butterfly, butterfly
01:23:54Till next time
01:24:01Butterfly
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