- 4 days ago
Rich is a addict who ruins every relationship through infidelity. He wishes that his blabla would leave him alone. He wakes up one day to find that his blabla has taken on human form.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00You
00:00:30You like that, baby?
00:00:36I love it.
00:00:37Oh, yeah?
00:00:38Yeah.
00:00:39Yeah?
00:00:41Shit.
00:00:43Not what it looks like, babe.
00:00:44You're fucking my sister?
00:00:50You piece of shit!
00:00:52Baby, baby.
00:00:53Don't baby me.
00:00:54I thought you loved me.
00:00:56I do.
00:00:58Oh, my God.
00:00:59Hi, Mrs. Lefebvre.
00:01:09What happened to your purity ring?
00:01:11Oh.
00:01:13It's not earlier.
00:01:14Oh, jeez.
00:01:27Look, Melissa.
00:01:28I am sorry.
00:01:30I really am.
00:01:31Don't you touch her.
00:01:33Okay, okay.
00:01:34I'm just going to grab my things, and then I'm going to go.
00:01:36Uh, my underwear, my underwear.
00:01:39Um, no, I don't need it.
00:01:42I feel horrible.
00:01:52I genuinely, actually liked her.
00:01:55I mean, we could talk, we could laugh, cuddle.
00:02:00I mean, we even hated the same people.
00:02:03It's always nice when you hate the same people.
00:02:05Isn't it, though?
00:02:06It's just not fun when you feel like you're being judged for judging someone else.
00:02:09Me and Emily made fun of an albino midget the other day.
00:02:13It was wrong.
00:02:15But romantic.
00:02:16I envy you guys.
00:02:18Don't stop fucking up a good thing.
00:02:21This is the third relationship you've ruined in the last year.
00:02:24My dick.
00:02:25The third relationship my dick has ruined.
00:02:28Can't control your dick?
00:02:30It's like babysitting a nine-year-old with ADD.
00:02:33I mean, you try your best until he just tears you down.
00:02:38Then you just give him whatever the hell he wants until his parents come home.
00:02:41But, but, his parents never come home.
00:02:45I can control mine.
00:02:48Not to be a dick, but you're not presented with as many ass-getting opportunities as I am.
00:02:55Even if I were, I'd be what.
00:02:57You wouldn't please.
00:02:58I know for a fact that you beat it to Indian porn when Emily goes to bed.
00:03:02Okay, don't act like you're above me.
00:03:04It's not fucking other people.
00:03:07Okay, hypothetical.
00:03:09So, a hot, green-eyed Indian girl walks up to you and begs you to fuck her.
00:03:16And there was no chance that Emily would find out.
00:03:18You would not do that?
00:03:19No.
00:03:20But you'd want to, right?
00:03:21I mean, isn't that just as bad?
00:03:23No, it's only bad if you follow through.
00:03:25What?
00:03:25Whatever.
00:03:26Whatever.
00:03:27I mean, we're just a bunch of beasts trying to beat biology.
00:03:31Boom.
00:03:31Case in point.
00:03:34I will be back.
00:03:43So, what is your name, sweetheart?
00:03:47Carrie.
00:03:47Carrie.
00:03:47Well, I'm rich.
00:03:51I mean, that's my name.
00:03:52Although, I'm not struggling financially, so.
00:03:56You don't remember me, do you?
00:04:01Yes.
00:04:02Of course, I remember you.
00:04:04Yeah, no, we hooked up last September, right?
00:04:06And then you told me you loved me.
00:04:08And then your grandma died.
00:04:09And then I deleted you from my phone.
00:04:11Oh, my God.
00:04:13Oh!
00:04:16Oh, my God!
00:04:17Josh!
00:04:18Josh!
00:04:21Oh, your testicles are in your stomach.
00:04:25Is there...
00:04:25All right, is there anything that you can prescribe?
00:04:28Other than a cocktail of painkillers, no.
00:04:31You should use plenty of ice,
00:04:33abstain from masturbation,
00:04:34and elevate the scrotum as often as possible.
00:04:39And what about sex?
00:04:40Oh, I wouldn't recommend it.
00:04:42Well, what would happen if I did?
00:04:44Well, I can't be sure, but your insurance wouldn't pay for it.
00:04:49But seriously, no sex for six weeks.
00:05:04So the pregnancy tests are right over here.
00:05:11Was there a special one you wanted?
00:05:13I don't know which one's the best.
00:05:14Well, we've got plus minus, we've got blue red,
00:05:17and we've got crying baby, smiling woman.
00:05:20Plus minus.
00:05:21Excuse me?
00:05:22Plus minus.
00:05:23It's the easiest one to manipulate if you don't like the results.
00:05:27Yeah, but that doesn't get rid of the baby.
00:05:29Well, it will until you start to show.
00:05:33Plus minus.
00:05:34You know, it's not for me.
00:05:37It's for my friend.
00:05:38She was too embarrassed to come here herself, so.
00:05:40No need to explain.
00:05:42Well, I don't want you to think that I'm the slut
00:05:43who thinks she's pregnant.
00:05:44Well, I don't want you to think I'm some freak
00:05:46who plays around pregnancy tests.
00:05:48Yeah, how did you know that, by the way?
00:05:50It was part of a prank that we played on this girl in college.
00:05:53You turned the negative into a positive.
00:05:55No, a positive into a negative.
00:05:57She started to grow.
00:05:58She had no clue what was going on.
00:06:00God, that's horrible.
00:06:02You know, and I started to feel guilty
00:06:03when she took up smoking to deal with the weight gain.
00:06:06That's evil.
00:06:07Yeah.
00:06:09Is that cherry?
00:06:12Pina colada's better.
00:06:14Wow, you're a slurpee girl.
00:06:16You know, I thought,
00:06:17big glasses, caramel macchiato girl.
00:06:20Who says I can't do both?
00:06:21Versatile.
00:06:22I like that.
00:06:23Girl's got to get her sugar from different sources.
00:06:24In that case,
00:06:26you should let me buy you a slurpee
00:06:28or a caramel macchiato.
00:06:31Should I?
00:06:32You should.
00:06:33Throw in a big bite hot dog
00:06:34and a bag of chips.
00:06:36You've got yourself a date.
00:06:38Oh, thank heaven.
00:06:39I don't know.
00:07:03I hope you don't know.
00:07:05I'm going to split you in half.
00:07:35Oh my god, baby.
00:07:37Should I put my hair in pigtails?
00:07:39Pigtails?
00:07:40Oh, wow.
00:07:41He'll take that as a yes.
00:07:43No, I will not stop for pedestrians.
00:07:45Be right back.
00:07:46Okay.
00:07:59Fuck.
00:08:05What the hell are you doing?
00:08:06So sorry.
00:08:07You know, I was...
00:08:08Actually, I was listening to some rap music.
00:08:10I just leased this.
00:08:11Shit.
00:08:12This is bad.
00:08:14Well, I guess I should get your information.
00:08:16Or we could forget it ever happened.
00:08:19What do you mean?
00:08:22Nothing.
00:08:23Nothing.
00:08:24I was just...
00:08:25I was kidding.
00:08:26Um, do you have a pen I can borrow?
00:08:29How old are you?
00:08:30I'm 28.
00:08:31What?
00:08:32Yeah.
00:08:33You work out?
00:08:35I'm a trainer.
00:08:36Yeah.
00:08:37My ex-husband was so out of shape, he couldn't even go down on me without running out of breath.
00:08:45You ever work with older women?
00:08:46Uh, sometimes.
00:08:47Yeah.
00:08:48Do you see results?
00:08:49Uh-huh.
00:08:50Yeah.
00:08:51I'm gonna grab my insurance.
00:08:52Wait.
00:08:53What's a good exercise for... right here?
00:08:58Um...
00:08:59Um...
00:09:00You know, like, uh, hip... whatevers.
00:09:02What about squats?
00:09:03Oh, yeah.
00:09:04Those two.
00:09:05Ever been blown in a luxury SUV?
00:09:06No.
00:09:07No.
00:09:08No.
00:09:09No.
00:09:10No.
00:09:11No.
00:09:12No.
00:09:13No.
00:09:14No.
00:09:15No.
00:09:16No.
00:09:17No.
00:09:18No.
00:09:19No.
00:09:20No.
00:09:21No.
00:09:22No.
00:09:23No.
00:09:24No.
00:09:25No.
00:09:26No.
00:09:27No.
00:09:28No.
00:09:29No.
00:09:30No.
00:09:31No.
00:09:32No.
00:09:33No.
00:09:34No.
00:09:36No.
00:09:37No.
00:09:38No.
00:09:39No.
00:09:40No.
00:09:41No.
00:09:43No.
00:09:46No.
00:09:47No.
00:09:48No.
00:09:49No.
00:09:50No.
00:09:51It took you so long?
00:09:52I got in an accident.
00:09:53Oh my god.
00:09:54Are you okay?
00:09:55It's just a fender bender, and it won't happen again.
00:09:57It won't happen again?
00:09:59Nothing. Nothing. No, no, no.
00:10:01Let's eat, yeah? Yeah?
00:10:03We can eat after.
00:10:05Oh, but I mean, I'm really hungry, too.
00:10:07I know. So am I.
00:10:09Dinner can wait. I can't.
00:10:12Oh, but please don't.
00:10:19Why are there teeth marks on your dick?
00:10:20What?
00:10:21There are teeth marks on your dick.
00:10:23Did someone give you a low job?
00:10:28Not that I can recall.
00:10:30Then why are there teeth marks on your dick?
00:10:36I hit that car pretty hard.
00:10:41Whose hair is this?
00:10:43You know what that looks like?
00:10:46It looks like a pubic hair.
00:10:47No, your pubes are not that long.
00:10:51Typically, yeah.
00:10:52But, you know, you get that rogue pube that grows faster than the others.
00:10:57It's not even the same color as your hair.
00:10:58Okay, I mean, who the hell are you? Like Encyclopedia Brown?
00:11:03Yes, and this is the case of the missing blowjob.
00:11:05I did not get a blowjob, okay?
00:11:07And I would never, ever cheat on you.
00:11:09Ever.
00:11:10Ever.
00:11:11Is this a press-on nail?
00:11:15Well, that's not good.
00:11:17Shit.
00:11:19Get out.
00:11:20Baby.
00:11:21Get out.
00:11:23Just come here for a second.
00:11:24Touch me, and I will chop off your dick.
00:11:26I mean, you don't mean that.
00:11:33Babe.
00:11:35Babe.
00:11:37What the f***?
00:11:38You have a meat cleaver?
00:11:39Who actually owns a meat cleaver?
00:11:41Get out.
00:11:41I never, ever want to see you again.
00:11:44Like, ever, ever?
00:11:45Ever.
00:11:45Go.
00:11:47Okay, okay, okay, I'm going, I'm going.
00:11:49You know, I just want you to know, though,
00:11:51that I was falling...
00:11:52Get out!
00:11:55Oh, shit.
00:11:57Shit.
00:12:03Babe.
00:12:06Could I get my sandwich back?
00:12:09Jesus.
00:12:11Again?
00:12:12Are you f***ing kidding me, Rich?
00:12:14I mean, but, look, it was not all my fault, okay?
00:12:18I mean, this chick, she seduced me.
00:12:20You could have said no.
00:12:22No, I...
00:12:23Okay, look, you try to defeat a boner
00:12:25when you've got a mouth staring it down.
00:12:29I mean, it's not as easy as you'd think, okay?
00:12:31It's really not.
00:12:34I don't know.
00:12:35Things just haven't been the same
00:12:36since Kimmy cheated on me.
00:12:39Now you're blaming her?
00:12:42Alyssa was right.
00:12:44What are you talking about?
00:12:49Nothing.
00:12:50No, no, no, no, fuck.
00:12:51Tell me what the f*** you're talking about.
00:12:53This probably isn't the best time to tell you,
00:12:55but, Melissa,
00:12:56she posted some pretty f***ed up things about you
00:12:58on the Internet.
00:13:00Like what?
00:13:01You're afraid of ghosts.
00:13:04You'd like to fart in the shower.
00:13:06You're a craven man-child
00:13:07with an inferiority complex
00:13:09who refuses to be held accountable
00:13:11for any of his myriad shortcomings.
00:13:14I think she used a thesaurus on that last one.
00:13:17Is this online?
00:13:19Douchebag-asshole-cheaters dot com.
00:13:29I don't understand how you can have something so special,
00:13:33so great,
00:13:34and throw it away for one fleeting moment.
00:13:37It doesn't make sense.
00:13:43Rich would be making low six figures right now
00:13:46if he didn't bend me over the conference table
00:13:47and have his way with me.
00:13:49Don't get me wrong.
00:13:50I loved it.
00:13:51But it ruined our office dynamic,
00:13:54and I had to let him go.
00:13:55Me and Rich used to be best friends
00:13:58until I walked in on him f***ing my mom.
00:14:02My parents divorced.
00:14:03I lost sight of my goals.
00:14:06Now I'm addicted to meth,
00:14:08and I work the 3 a.m. drive-thru shift
00:14:09at a fast food restaurant
00:14:11in the ghetto.
00:14:20Kimmy.
00:14:25I wish my dick would just leave me alone.
00:14:55Josh,
00:15:18call me something.
00:15:19Something terrible has happened, man.
00:15:22You know,
00:15:23I don't even know why
00:15:23I'm leaving you a voicemail.
00:15:24I mean, you never check it,
00:15:25so, all right,
00:15:26I'm gonna hang up,
00:15:27and then I'm gonna text you, okay?
00:15:28All right.
00:15:32Josh?
00:15:33Josh?
00:15:34You have a collect call from...
00:15:37This is your dick.
00:15:37I'm in an alley downtown.
00:15:40Do you accept the charges?
00:15:43Do you accept the charges?
00:15:47Do you accept the charges?
00:15:50Yes.
00:15:51Hello?
00:15:52Is this Rich?
00:15:54Uh-huh.
00:15:54Oh, thank God.
00:15:56Oh, I couldn't remember your number for shit.
00:15:59I just got like 20 no obloi ingleses before you picked up.
00:16:02Uh-huh.
00:16:04Who is this?
00:16:05It's me, your penis.
00:16:07Who is this for real?
00:16:09It's your penis, bitch.
00:16:11It's your cock, your dick,
00:16:12your pecker, your prick.
00:16:14I don't believe you.
00:16:15I don't believe you.
00:16:18Your dick goes missing.
00:16:19Someone calls you up and tells you he's your dick,
00:16:21and you don't believe him?
00:16:24My dick is not missing.
00:16:26No shit.
00:16:28He's in an alley on Cermack and State.
00:16:30All right, look,
00:16:31I'm just gonna hang up now, okay?
00:16:33Becky Wallace.
00:16:36What?
00:16:37Becky Wallace,
00:16:39your first hand job.
00:16:41Big girl with hair on her nipples,
00:16:43a bad case of rosacea.
00:16:45Surprisingly good.
00:16:47I knew how to work the tip,
00:16:48ignore the base.
00:16:49All right, who the fuck told you that, huh?
00:16:51Huh?
00:16:52In seventh grade,
00:16:53you jerked off so hard,
00:16:54you dislocated your shoulder.
00:16:56You told your parents you hurt
00:16:57at simulating mortal combat fatalities
00:16:59with your friends.
00:17:01Want me to keep going?
00:17:02You've had chlamydia twice.
00:17:04You spray me with curb clump
00:17:05before you go out for the night,
00:17:06and when you're bored,
00:17:08you helicopter me around
00:17:09and make my whole talk like a little mouse.
00:17:11All right, it's enough.
00:17:12Which is embarrassing.
00:17:13It's enough, okay?
00:17:14Just stop.
00:17:14Stop.
00:17:15I don't know what happened.
00:17:15The last thing I remember
00:17:16is dangling between your legs,
00:17:18but then I wake up in an alley this morning
00:17:20naked like some goddamn Terminator.
00:17:22And now,
00:17:23here I am on a piss-smelling payphone
00:17:24asking you to pretty please pick me up
00:17:26before the fucking cops do.
00:17:28You're naked?
00:17:30As a poet's soul.
00:17:32Oh, God.
00:17:35You said Sir Mac and State...
00:17:37Yeah, behind the sushi restaurant.
00:17:39And you're buying me lunch.
00:17:52Oh, Jesus!
00:17:58Rich, open the door!
00:18:03Rich!
00:18:08Rich, open the door!
00:18:10Rich!
00:18:10Come on!
00:18:14Oh, thank you.
00:18:16It's not like a goddamn UTI out there.
00:18:19Hi.
00:18:20I'm your dick.
00:18:23You have my eyes.
00:18:25You are related.
00:18:26Where's that grip I know?
00:18:29Just kidding.
00:18:30You bring the clothes?
00:18:36You brought your nut shorts?
00:18:38What?
00:18:39You jack off in these all the time
00:18:41because you're too lazy to get tissues.
00:18:43Sorry.
00:18:45Whatever.
00:18:46Let's get something to eat.
00:18:46I am fucking starving.
00:18:49No?
00:18:49What?
00:19:14I mean, people don't just wake up
00:19:15without their dicks.
00:19:17I guess that makes you a pioneer.
00:19:17What happened?
00:19:21You've been blaming me
00:19:22for a lot of shit lately.
00:19:23So if I had to hypothesize,
00:19:25I would say that the universe
00:19:26got pissed off
00:19:27and decided to tilt the scale against you
00:19:28and then they were like,
00:19:29you know, fuck that scale.
00:19:30Let's just give it to them hard and raw.
00:19:32You don't think I feel the same way?
00:19:34I used to have my own private utopia.
00:19:35All I had to think about
00:19:36was napping, pissing, and fucking.
00:19:39Now I'm dealing with hunger and thirst.
00:19:41I'm pretty sure I gotta
00:19:42take my first shit soon.
00:19:43Oh, the worst part?
00:19:46That I've got my own dick
00:19:47and it's not even as big as I was.
00:19:49Look at this.
00:19:50I should be able to hang
00:19:51a basket full of puppies off this.
00:19:53Now I think I could barely handle one kitten.
00:19:54Put it away, please.
00:19:56It breaks my heart.
00:19:57I'm just saying I better be a grower
00:19:58because I'm obviously not a shower.
00:20:00All right.
00:20:00All right.
00:20:01How do we fix it?
00:20:03Yeah, I know.
00:20:03So here's what I've been told.
00:20:06The next time that Mercury aligns with Cancer
00:20:08at midnight on the next full moon,
00:20:10some sort of vortex is gonna open up
00:20:12and we're just gonna have to go through it together somehow.
00:20:16All right.
00:20:16All right.
00:20:17All right.
00:20:18When is the next...
00:20:19When is the next full moon?
00:20:24Are you fucking retarded?
00:20:25I just made that shit up.
00:20:28I don't know how to reattach.
00:20:32Shit shower shave?
00:20:34Oh.
00:20:35At least now I can tell you
00:20:36how big of a fucking tool you are
00:20:37for still having a subscription to Maxim.
00:20:38Okay, now keep your core engaged.
00:20:51Now bring your legs out.
00:20:53Good job.
00:20:54I need to talk to you.
00:20:56I'm in the middle of a session.
00:20:59I'll be right back.
00:21:00Come on.
00:21:00Ow, Rich.
00:21:01What the fuck?
00:21:03I'm the number four trainer in this company.
00:21:05It's unacceptable for you.
00:21:06Oh, shit.
00:21:11What the fuck?
00:21:14Well, my dick is gone.
00:21:17It looks like an Asian man's armpit.
00:21:21What happened?
00:21:22I don't know.
00:21:23Okay, I woke up this morning
00:21:24and it wasn't there.
00:21:25And that's not even the worst part, though.
00:21:28It's in your ass?
00:21:29No.
00:21:30No.
00:21:30It's in my apartment.
00:21:32That's good.
00:21:33You know where it is.
00:21:35Okay.
00:21:35It's a person.
00:21:37What?
00:21:38My dick is an asshole.
00:21:40He's brown.
00:21:41No, white.
00:21:42Is he bald?
00:21:44No.
00:21:45Chubby?
00:21:45No.
00:21:46Wrinkled?
00:21:47Would you shut the fuck up?
00:21:48Okay, I'm sorry.
00:21:52What are you going to do?
00:21:53What can I do?
00:21:56Should I see a doctor, maybe?
00:21:58Hell no.
00:21:59He'll be the new medical freak du jour.
00:22:01Kid with two heads.
00:22:02Kid with super strength.
00:22:04Man with no dick.
00:22:06If the government doesn't lock you in a lab,
00:22:07then the talk shows will snatch you up
00:22:09and turn you into a story of triumph
00:22:11that ends in tears of hope,
00:22:12a shitload of undeserved applause.
00:22:15It'd be like Carrot Top.
00:22:16Everyone would want a picture with you,
00:22:18but no one would want to have sex with you.
00:22:22No, no.
00:22:23No, no, no.
00:22:24No, no.
00:22:33Okay, you ordered a hooker?
00:22:37Oh, no, she's an escort.
00:22:39All right, and where is she escorting you to then?
00:22:41To Bustin' Upville.
00:22:41All right, you're going to have to go.
00:22:43Hold on, I was so close!
00:22:45Now, please, go.
00:22:48Thank you. Damn.
00:22:50Not even payment dispute.
00:22:51Oh, no, I gave her the TV in Rich's room.
00:22:53Super easy, helped her load it right into her sign-on
00:22:55before things got in her way.
00:22:56But you paid her with...
00:22:58You paid her with my TV?
00:23:00I actually think the term is bartered,
00:23:02but no, I'm no English major.
00:23:05Ow! Fuck!
00:23:07Ow! Ow!
00:23:08Come on!
00:23:11Okay, listen to me, all right?
00:23:13If you're gonna stay here,
00:23:15you're gonna have to control yourself.
00:23:17Yeah, oh, okay, I'm so sorry, Dad.
00:23:21I didn't know I needed your permission
00:23:22for every little thing that I'm into.
00:23:24Okay, a hooker's not a little thing, all right?
00:23:27Listen, okay, I'm trying to adjust right now.
00:23:30I've never had a body before.
00:23:32This is all new to me, it's...
00:23:34What?
00:23:35What?
00:23:36Oh, my God.
00:23:38What?
00:23:39I just flexed my calf.
00:23:40Amazing, that's really cool.
00:23:42That's cool.
00:23:43Okay, listen.
00:23:45I messed up.
00:23:46I know that.
00:23:47But what, you're not gonna yell at a toddler,
00:23:49right, for putting his hand on the stove?
00:23:51No, you're gonna coddle him
00:23:52and you're gonna shower him with love.
00:23:55I'm sorry.
00:23:57I'm sorry I put my hand on the pussy stove.
00:23:59All right, but right now I need your help.
00:24:01All right, not your wrath.
00:24:04Yeah, I need to get you back.
00:24:0611-11, go.
00:24:07I wish I had my dick back.
00:24:09I wish you had me back.
00:24:11Even though we had a fight.
00:24:13Even though we had a fight.
00:24:14You won't see me cry all night.
00:24:17I know that you're coming back right away.
00:24:25Even though you're...
00:24:2611-11, go.
00:24:28I wish I had my dick back.
00:24:30I wish you had me back.
00:24:31I wish you had me back.
00:24:36Oh, you're still killing me.
00:24:39And I even...
00:24:41Oh.
00:24:42Oh.
00:24:44No, you're all on a Cemento's grunge.
00:24:47Oh, I'm back.
00:24:50Oh, I'm back.
00:24:52Oh, I'm back.
00:24:55Oh, I'm back.
00:24:57Oh, I'm back.
00:24:59Oh, I'm back.
00:25:02Oh, I'm back.
00:25:03Oh.
00:25:05Oh, I'm back.
00:25:07Oh, I'm back.
00:25:08Fitness assessment?
00:25:11Excuse me?
00:25:13Are you my fitness assessment?
00:25:15I don't know. I had an appointment at 2.
00:25:17Alright, and what time is it now?
00:25:19Almost 2.30.
00:25:21Yeah, no, that's probably me.
00:25:23Would you grab your stuff?
00:25:25So what are your fitness goals?
00:25:28I mean, do you want to live a healthy lifestyle
00:25:30or do you just want to lose some fat around your ass,
00:25:32thighs, and midsection for whatever insecure reason?
00:25:36Uh, both, I guess. Are you always this up front?
00:25:40No, I'm usually pretty duplicitous,
00:25:42but I just don't give a fuck anymore.
00:25:47Yeah, I don't feel anything.
00:25:49Oh, you're working your core.
00:25:54Look, I know you're probably getting paid
00:25:56something like $5 for our time together,
00:25:59but I'd appreciate it if you assumed
00:26:02I was going to sign up with you and, I don't know,
00:26:04put forth just like a tiny bit of effort.
00:26:07Are you going to sign up with me?
00:26:08Most likely not.
00:26:09That's why I said assume.
00:26:12Oh, there you go.
00:26:13You're human after all.
00:26:15Yeah, sometimes.
00:26:17So am I, which is why I really want to squeeze into a size 3
00:26:20for my sister's wedding in a couple weeks.
00:26:22Mmm.
00:26:24So that's the insecure reason.
00:26:26Well, if you knew my sister, you'd know why.
00:26:28Is she like some tiny little blonde annoying thing?
00:26:31What are you, psychic?
00:26:33No, no, I'm just really good at stereotypes.
00:26:36Well, you nailed it.
00:26:37She's a human Pomeranian.
00:26:39That's bad.
00:26:41You gonna kick my ass or what?
00:26:43Um, well, you buy 10 cents from me
00:26:45and I will give you the work out of your life.
00:26:47That's extortion.
00:26:49I'm a personal trainer for what I do.
00:26:52How about I buy five and I don't tell your boss
00:26:56that there's vodka in your protein shake.
00:26:59Yeah.
00:27:00No, yeah.
00:27:01That's good.
00:27:02Good and fair.
00:27:03Good.
00:27:06Woo!
00:27:07I'm fucking you up!
00:27:09It's only because you're first player.
00:27:11I suck his second player.
00:27:13Oh, hey man, we'll pick all this up.
00:27:21When?
00:27:22It looks like a freshman dorm in here, guys.
00:27:26After we're finished smoking this marijuana cigar.
00:27:29So you're smoking weed now too, okay.
00:27:32That's my fault.
00:27:34I didn't think it would be a big deal.
00:27:36What are you even doing here?
00:27:38Emily found my Indian port.
00:27:40You should put that in your antivirus folder
00:27:42because that's what Rich does.
00:27:43Okay.
00:27:44Five more minutes.
00:27:45All right.
00:27:46And Josh is going home
00:27:47and you will be vacuuming up the blunt guts
00:27:49off of my carpet.
00:27:50Yes, sir.
00:27:51But that's not enough time!
00:27:52He's right.
00:27:53That's a Dutch master.
00:27:55It's gonna take at least 10 minutes to burn.
00:27:58Maybe eight if you want to get in on it.
00:28:03But five minutes is good.
00:28:04And there is one more thing that, um...
00:28:08I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the toilet seat down.
00:28:13Why?
00:28:14Are you pissing out of your ass?
00:28:17Oh, shit.
00:28:19He's pissing out of his ass.
00:28:23Look.
00:28:25We're here for you, man.
00:28:27We're gonna do everything we can
00:28:29to get things back the way they were.
00:28:31Isn't that right?
00:28:33Sure.
00:28:36See?
00:28:37Didn't they give you confidence?
00:28:42Hey, bud.
00:28:43Been playing with your dick all day.
00:28:45Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:28:57I said what's my oyster, oyster, oyster.
00:29:04I put together my oyster, oyster, oyster.
00:29:08I put together my oyster, oyster.
00:29:23No point in wasting any more, less.
00:29:28No point in wasting any more, more less.
00:29:33No point in wasting any more.
00:29:38It is so experience!
00:29:50Oh man, I can't!
00:29:56She can't be older than 23, that kid's at least 7.
00:30:06He just doesn't stop.
00:30:16If my dick came to life, he'd probably be a lot more behaved.
00:30:20There's gotta be something I can do, right?
00:30:23Someone I can appease.
00:30:25If the universe is keeping score, how the fuck can I earn points?
00:30:36Oh my god, that's it.
00:30:38What's it?
00:30:39Alright, this all started happening after I screwed things up with Jamie, right?
00:30:43So if I can fix that, maybe I can reverse everything.
00:30:48I'm born again, Kristen Folsom.
00:30:53Where'd Rich go?
00:31:03Who's here?
00:31:05What the fuck?
00:31:08We didn't order 7-Eleven.
00:31:10Baby, you don't answer the door like that.
00:31:12Rich!
00:31:13What are you doing here?
00:31:15What the hell is this guy doing here?
00:31:17Who are you?
00:31:18Who are you?
00:31:19Delivery for Jamie?
00:31:20Yes.
00:31:21Can we get the money, baby?
00:31:22Sure, little baby penguin girl.
00:31:28I'm gone for a month, and you're having sex with some, like, hey dude!
00:31:32Yeah.
00:31:33What did you expect, Rich?
00:31:34For me to sit around with my thumb up my ass, lamenting what could have been?
00:31:37We ran out of duck sauce, so I put in extra soy sauce.
00:31:41Seriously, Rich?
00:31:42You let some girl gnaw on your penis like a number two pencil.
00:31:46I'm sorry about that, okay?
00:31:50But I lost control, and people, they lose control.
00:31:52No, animals lose control.
00:31:53Is he coming back?
00:31:54Because this is getting kind of awkward.
00:31:56Chill out, Tokyo Drift.
00:31:58I can say that.
00:32:00We dated.
00:32:01We dated.
00:32:02Yo, babe.
00:32:03Hmm?
00:32:04I'm looking all over in your purse.
00:32:05I can't find your money.
00:32:06It's in my wallet.
00:32:07Girls have wallets, too.
00:32:10We're blowing my fucking mind right now, babe.
00:32:13Okay, all right.
00:32:17I want to make things better.
00:32:20Don't laugh.
00:32:21That wasn't a laugh.
00:32:22That was an involuntary chest plasm.
00:32:23Look, I loved you.
00:32:28You know, if you would just give me another chance.
00:32:30No, it's too late for that, Rich.
00:32:31You know, in fact, I'm really happy that you fucked things up.
00:32:34Now I'm having the sex of my life.
00:32:36Beautiful idiots who can't text without substituting numbers for words.
00:32:40It's amazing.
00:32:45I'm sorry.
00:32:46I...
00:32:47Wow.
00:32:48I shouldn't have come.
00:32:49Enjoy your general's chicken.
00:32:51It's broccoli beef.
00:32:52Fuck you.
00:32:54Huh?
00:32:55One more.
00:32:56One more.
00:32:57Do you even know what one more means?
00:32:59Baby penguin girl.
00:33:00Are you fucking serious?
00:33:01Look, I know you're going through some shit right now, but I've had a long day of being nitpicked by my pitch of a boss, so I'd appreciate it if you could pretty please not be so goddamn angsty.
00:33:14Yes.
00:33:15Yeah.
00:33:16No, I will try to do that.
00:33:17Sorry.
00:33:18I didn't mean for that to come off so harsh.
00:33:19It's fine.
00:33:20I think I actually needed that.
00:33:21You wanna maybe grab some coffee after this?
00:33:22Oh.
00:33:23Um, I don't think so.
00:33:24I don't think so.
00:33:25I don't think so.
00:33:26I don't think so.
00:33:27I have had a long day of being nitpicked by my pitch of a boss, so I'd appreciate it if you could pretty please not be so goddamn angsty.
00:33:30Yes.
00:33:31Yeah.
00:33:32No, I will try to do that.
00:33:33Sorry, I didn't mean for that to come off so harsh.
00:33:35It's fine.
00:33:36I think I actually needed that.
00:33:41Here.
00:33:42You want to maybe grab some coffee after this?
00:33:47Oh.
00:33:48Um.
00:33:50I don't think that's a good idea.
00:33:53I didn't mean it like that.
00:33:55How'd you mean it?
00:33:57Well, not like that.
00:33:59Look, you're an awesome trainer and all,
00:34:01and, yeah, you're kind of good-looking.
00:34:04Um, but I don't think you're my type.
00:34:07It's just I see the way you walk around here
00:34:09acting all playery, pretending to scratch your abs
00:34:11so you can lift up your shirt and show off that V thing
00:34:14you've got going on.
00:34:16Sometimes, you know, I have an itch.
00:34:19Every 40 seconds?
00:34:21All right, let's do some trunk twists.
00:34:24Stand up. Come on.
00:34:27Hey, thanks for the pick-up,
00:34:29but can you step on it a little bit?
00:34:31I got to meet up with this chick from OkCupid
00:34:33in, like, an hour, and she said to me,
00:34:36hey, tonight, if you want, you could put your P in my V.
00:34:39And I was like, eh, I'd rather put my C in your C.
00:34:42Right? You get it?
00:34:45That was clever.
00:34:47Oh! Shit!
00:34:51What the fuck is your problem?
00:34:53What is my problem?
00:34:55You know, I put a roof over your head, okay?
00:34:57I give you food to eat,
00:34:59and this is how you repay me.
00:35:01So right now it probably might not be the best time to ask
00:35:03about getting an iPhone?
00:35:04No.
00:35:05It would be so simple just to add to your family plans.
00:35:07No! Okay, I'm not going to put up with your shit anymore.
00:35:11Society is not going to put up with your shit, okay?
00:35:13You need to straighten up and fly right,
00:35:16or you can wander the streets with the hobos and the teenagers.
00:35:19You wouldn't kick me out.
00:35:21Try me. The free ride is over.
00:35:24From now on, you pay rent.
00:35:26How the hell am I supposed to do that?
00:35:28Get a job.
00:35:29Fuck that. Who would even hire me?
00:35:32I've got enough THC in my blood to resurrect Bob Marley.
00:35:35You can stand in front of the hardware store with the illegals.
00:35:38You're about as much fun as a rubber.
00:35:39You know that, right?
00:35:47You think anyone going to hire us?
00:35:49Mm-mm.
00:35:52Fuck this.
00:35:54Next up is the lovely Shyla.
00:36:01Place your bets, pink or brown?
00:36:03Pink.
00:36:04Uh-oh, she's Latina.
00:36:07This does not bode well for you, my friend.
00:36:11Woo! Brown!
00:36:13You owe me a beer, motherfucker.
00:36:17Where'd you get all that money?
00:36:18Well, you know, Rich's wallet.
00:36:20You're stealing from Rich?
00:36:22Actually, I consider it more of an allowance.
00:36:26Yeah.
00:36:27You should probably be getting home to Emily.
00:36:28She's got you on a pretty short leash, huh?
00:36:31I control the size of my leash.
00:36:34Oh, like a big boy.
00:36:36Yeah, good for you.
00:36:37Thanks.
00:36:38Yeah, well, have you ever thought about severing it?
00:36:40No.
00:36:41I'm happy.
00:36:42Oh, good.
00:36:43So you're having a lot of sex then?
00:36:44I'm having enough sex.
00:36:47Okay, well, no man who's getting his dick wet on a regular basis
00:36:50ever thinks it's enough.
00:36:52You're bored.
00:36:53No.
00:36:54That's it, you're bored.
00:36:55Yeah, too many trips to the same watering hole.
00:36:57Too many times playing that same video game.
00:36:59Can you not talk about Emily?
00:37:01You're the one that brought her up.
00:37:03Oh, my God.
00:37:05What's your name?
00:37:07Josh.
00:37:08Oh, yeah.
00:37:09Okay.
00:37:10Sorry, I don't have any money.
00:37:12I don't want your money.
00:37:14What do we have here?
00:37:15A little, uh, slumdog elephant princess?
00:37:17I'm Peruvian.
00:37:18Okay, same thing.
00:37:19Less hair.
00:37:20You should go.
00:37:21Oh.
00:37:22Please let her stay.
00:37:23Oh, you're so fucking cute.
00:37:25I don't normally get like this, but there's just something about it.
00:37:28I shouldn't be doing this.
00:37:29Of course you should.
00:37:31Feels good, right?
00:37:32Yeah.
00:37:34But I love Emily.
00:37:35I don't want my girlfriend.
00:37:36Come on, love is like a space heater.
00:37:38Yeah, it's good for a drafty corner, but it's hardly the solution for an entire room.
00:37:42I know you fantasize about other women.
00:37:45We all do.
00:37:46It's natural.
00:37:47So why don't you disarm that big ticking bomb in your chest and stop denying yourself the
00:37:52pleasures that you deserve?
00:37:53You deserve it, baby.
00:37:55I can't.
00:37:57I can't.
00:37:58Come on.
00:37:59I'm sorry.
00:38:00You're still gonna give me my 300, right?
00:38:03What?
00:38:04Dude, you set this up?
00:38:07I prefer the term orchestrated.
00:38:09Fuck you.
00:38:10He's not paying me.
00:38:12Okay, she's jumping to conclusions on that one, but yeah, she is right.
00:38:16I'm not paying her shit, so.
00:38:19Mmm.
00:38:20You guys have little kid bouncers here?
00:38:22Oh, let's go out to the playground.
00:38:24Oh, that's so weird how I'm bigger than you.
00:38:26I just wanna eat that little nose off your face.
00:38:28Oh, yeah.
00:38:29Woo!
00:38:30He's the Antichrist.
00:38:33I mean, I know he's bad, but he's not Hitler bad.
00:38:37He could be, if he applied himself.
00:38:40What happened?
00:38:41He set me up to cheat on Emily.
00:38:43He cheated on Emily?
00:38:45No.
00:38:46I almost did.
00:38:48He is a persuasive motherfucker.
00:38:51I'm not blaming him.
00:38:53I won't deny that your dick could sell dog shit to a freshly mowed mon.
00:38:57Still.
00:38:59This is my fuck up.
00:39:04Wow.
00:39:07You're a better man than I ever was.
00:39:10Than I'll ever be.
00:39:15Rich?
00:39:17You okay?
00:39:21Yeah.
00:39:22I'm fine.
00:39:28Yeah, call me a woman.
00:39:29Oh, you're a boy.
00:39:30Tell me I'm a pretty woman.
00:39:31Yeah.
00:39:32Yeah.
00:39:33Tell me I look like I lost weight.
00:39:35Tell me.
00:39:36You look like you lost weight.
00:39:38Yeah.
00:39:39Yeah, yeah.
00:39:40Here's the pleasure of the Legion.
00:39:41Oh.
00:39:42Stay in an Asian voice.
00:39:43Yeah.
00:39:44You're just...
00:39:45Yeah.
00:39:46I can't get back to you right now.
00:39:48It feels good for me and I don't know how you feel.
00:39:53You're the body marshal coming in your natural capacity right now.
00:39:56Yes.
00:39:57Yes.
00:39:58Woo!
00:40:02Rich, what the fuck?
00:40:04You have two minutes to grab your shit and get out of my life.
00:40:08Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:40:09Come on.
00:40:10Let's talk about this for a sec.
00:40:11All right.
00:40:12A minute 50.
00:40:13There's no way that was 10 seconds.
00:40:15Oh.
00:40:17Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:40:18Where is this coming from?
00:40:19Is this because I fucked Melissa?
00:40:21No.
00:40:22It's because you...
00:40:23You fucked Melissa?
00:40:24Yeah.
00:40:25Anything could be a big deal.
00:40:26I mean, technically, I've already, you know, been inside of her multiple times.
00:40:30Come on.
00:40:31We're supposed to be friends.
00:40:32Oh, friends.
00:40:33Do you know how many people I can't talk to because of you?
00:40:36How many places that I can't go?
00:40:38No, you are not my friend.
00:40:40Okay?
00:40:41You have cost me friends.
00:40:42You didn't have to listen to me.
00:40:43Grab your shit and get the fuck out of my life or I will break your head open like a goddamn pinata.
00:40:48Yeah, then you're gonna get blood all over the floor and then you're not gonna get your security deposit back.
00:40:51God.
00:40:52Fine.
00:40:53Get my shit.
00:40:59Now what?
00:41:01Trash bags are under the sink.
00:41:03You're not even gonna give me a suitcase.
00:41:12Fuck you.
00:41:14Fuck you.
00:41:16I have never liked you.
00:41:18All those times that you pissed and then you shook me and put me back inside your underwear and I still leaked.
00:41:23That was just my way of telling you to just go fuck yourself.
00:41:26And you're right.
00:41:27I may have been your raison d'etre, but I was never your fucking friend.
00:41:30Making that wish is probably the best decision you've ever made.
00:41:33No more headaches from banging on your inner thigh.
00:41:36No more chafed skin from feature-like Jack sessions.
00:41:38I'm a fucking free man.
00:41:40And I'm gonna do great things.
00:41:42So just go ahead and look for me in the spotlight, you fucking dickhead.
00:42:00My dick is gone for good.
00:42:01Yet my life is over.
00:42:02Come on.
00:42:03Just put this shit in perspective.
00:42:04You're 28.
00:42:05You've already had more sex than most men will have their entire lives.
00:42:06Yeah.
00:42:07And now I'm a Ken doll.
00:42:08And Ken is always smiling.
00:42:09You know why?
00:42:10He doesn't have to deal with the bullshit that every other man does.
00:42:13I mean, you gotta think about all the time you can devote to other things now that you don't have to worry about jacking off or hitting on girls or cheating on girls.
00:42:23Your life just became a thousand times less complicated.
00:42:38I'll be able to get shit done.
00:42:40Hell, you could write the Great American novel.
00:42:42Yeah, but I don't want to write the Great American novel.
00:42:46I want my fucking dick back.
00:42:48You don't need him back, Rich.
00:42:50You have a chance to let your heart do the leading without any interference.
00:42:54It's like having two angels on your shoulder instead of one and a roided up devil.
00:42:58I'm gonna be a better person for it.
00:43:01You just don't see it yet.
00:43:03You really think I'll be okay?
00:43:05I know you will.
00:43:07Everything happens for a reason.
00:43:09No, don't say that.
00:43:10I fucking hate it when people say that.
00:43:13So do I.
00:43:20It's good to see you.
00:43:24You look just like you looked back yesterday.
00:43:29Wake up.
00:43:31Or you may sleep through
00:43:35Another perfect warm and sunny day.
00:43:41Brush your teeth and tone your hair.
00:43:47You and me a perfect pair.
00:43:52Hello.
00:43:54It's good to see you.
00:43:59I booked our favorite spot at the cafe.
00:44:03No work.
00:44:06Cause we don't need to.
00:44:10I wouldn't want it any other way.
00:44:15Crush your teeth and tone your hair.
00:44:20You and me a perfect pair.
00:44:25Alright, come on, let's go.
00:44:30Let's go.
00:44:31It's called a warm up, not a beat down.
00:44:33Here we go.
00:44:34Here we go.
00:44:35Here we go.
00:44:36I can increase my own existence on my own.
00:44:38Thank you very much.
00:44:39You know, I liked you a lot better before you got your Adderall prescription filled.
00:44:42It's like you're a completely different person.
00:44:44No, no, no.
00:44:45I'm not a person.
00:44:46I'm your player, douchebag, personal trainer.
00:44:47You're not a douchebag.
00:44:48We're doing legs.
00:44:49You're a total douchebag.
00:44:51So we brought you out of your funk.
00:44:54Did you meet a girl?
00:44:56Romancer will watch in the notebook and tell Madden the love.
00:44:59The notebook, please.
00:45:00I am a princess bride, ma'am.
00:45:02Uh-uh.
00:45:03Inconceivable.
00:45:04I'm not a notebook fan either.
00:45:07Although...
00:45:08Please, do not say Ryan Gosling.
00:45:10Of course, Ryan Gosling.
00:45:12But besides him, that kissing in the rain scene, every girl wants to be kissed in the rain.
00:45:18Then maybe you should move to the Pacific Northwest.
00:45:21Oh, maybe I will.
00:45:23Seriously though, why are you so chipper all of a sudden?
00:45:29Alright, well this is gonna sound cliche, but I was living my life one way and I realized
00:45:36that I just couldn't live it that way anymore.
00:45:38You sound like anyone who's ever been on Behind the Music.
00:45:40I know, right?
00:45:41And I feel like I've been detoxing hardcore.
00:45:45From what?
00:45:47Women.
00:45:48God, this isn't some player angle, is it?
00:45:52No.
00:45:53God, no.
00:45:54I'm not trying to play you and I have no ulterior motives.
00:45:58I'm not even gonna try to get you to go out with me.
00:46:01I promise.
00:46:02I'm just gonna help you reach your fitness goals in the least creepy way possible.
00:46:08In that case, you should probably go for a drink tomorrow night.
00:46:13What?
00:46:14To celebrate you being off your period.
00:46:16Huh?
00:46:17Alright.
00:46:18Alright.
00:46:19What were all the conflicts I taught us during English class?
00:46:23Man versus man.
00:46:24Man versus supernatural.
00:46:26Man versus nature.
00:46:28Man versus...
00:46:30Himself.
00:46:31Himself.
00:46:32Right.
00:46:33That's some tough shit.
00:46:37You get in an accident?
00:46:39Sure.
00:46:40Yeah.
00:46:41Something like that.
00:46:42You clean up nice.
00:46:43Here we go.
00:46:44Don't stop believing.
00:46:45No.
00:46:46We can't play Don't Stop Believing.
00:46:47Why not?
00:46:48Because you just can't.
00:46:49I mean, it's a universal bar rule.
00:46:52Yeah, I like it though.
00:46:53So...
00:46:54I like it too.
00:46:55Hmm.
00:46:56Everyone likes it.
00:46:57Then what's the problem?
00:46:59Well, do you know how many people play that song?
00:47:01Well, do you know how many people play that song?
00:47:02And then every time it comes on, everyone sings along, but in the back of their mind they're
00:47:06thinking, gosh, who is the dickhead that picked this?
00:47:08Me.
00:47:09Oh, wow.
00:47:10Wow.
00:47:11Wow.
00:47:12Wow.
00:47:13Okay.
00:47:14Yeah.
00:47:15Bartenders are going to hate me now.
00:47:16Shut up or I'll play Tiny Dancer.
00:47:17Ooh.
00:47:18Oh, wow.
00:47:19Wow.
00:47:20Wow.
00:47:21Okay, yeah.
00:47:22Bartenders are going to hate me now.
00:47:23Shut up or I'll play Tiny Dancer.
00:47:25Ooh.
00:47:26Ooh.
00:47:27I love you so much.
00:47:28Would you mind if we kissed?
00:47:54Don't stop just for a second. I don't think we should I think it's okay. I'm sorry. I wasn't trying
00:48:10Who are you relax? I'm white
00:48:15Going home with Jill, huh? Who's Jill? J. I. L. L. Jill
00:48:24What?
00:48:26Let me guess you borrowed your dad's car you broke the bank on dinner
00:48:30You acted like an all-around gentleman, and now here you are wishing you would have just stayed home and jacked off
00:48:36Yeah, how do you know that?
00:48:38That's a pain every man knows
00:48:41We're all about getting it in they're all about keeping it out
00:48:45That's why bullshit exists all right the greatest trick that a woman can ever pull is making a man think he's in love
00:48:51That's how they gain control
00:48:54Okay, you want my advice?
00:48:58Remain cold
00:49:01Remain cold?
00:49:01Yeah, exactly if she doesn't put out you go find someone who will because someone will with a face like that biceps like those
00:49:09All right, okay, I'll tell you right now handholds and kisses
00:49:14They're not worth time or money
00:49:16Now get the fuck out of the car because I'm stealing it. Uh, yeah
00:49:24Uh, what about that guy who puts his whole mouth on the water fountain?
00:49:27Oh the one with the the camo bandana and has the original barbed wire tattoo
00:49:34Oh Sarah-Claire can't fucking stand that guy. I mean you could do like a dot to dot with his back knee
00:49:40Oh
00:49:41That's that's probably the most disgusting thing I've ever heard
00:49:45You know what?
00:49:48Most girls that look like you
00:49:51They're not usually
00:49:53Funny
00:49:54Funny?
00:49:55Oh intelligent
00:49:56Witty
00:49:57I wasn't gonna say any of those things
00:50:00Oh
00:50:02Well, I wasn't always this effortlessly beautiful
00:50:05Effortlessly?
00:50:07I was that um
00:50:10Awkward chubby alternative girl in high school with the bad skin and the pink rubber bands on her braces
00:50:16Okay, did you write the names of your favorite bands on your backpack with a white out pen?
00:50:21How did you know?
00:50:23Did the same thing eighth grade when I was going through my skater phase
00:50:28You were a skater?
00:50:29Oh hell yeah, rocked the JNCOs and everything
00:50:32Wow
00:50:33I just I had you pegged for the homecoming king with the blonde cheerleader girlfriend
00:50:38Oh that was senior year?
00:50:39Um
00:50:40Okay, yeah, no never mind. I was right
00:50:43Actually, you know what? I was I was in a five-year relationship believe it or not
00:50:48This girl Kimmy and wow, I even thought we were gonna get married but
00:50:53What happened?
00:50:55Um, she cheated on me
00:50:57With any consolation I've been cheated on like a dozen times
00:51:03Yeah, no it's probably the worst feeling in the world to know that the person that you love
00:51:10Thought someone else was better
00:51:12I just like to think that they had shitty taste and I was the exception
00:51:17Like that guy at the bar over there
00:51:19Don't look
00:51:20I'm gonna look and pretend I'm looking past him at something else entirely
00:51:26Okay, be discreet
00:51:35Yeah, no you saw me looking right at him
00:51:38We had like a moment even
00:51:40Did you see what he was drinking?
00:51:43Bud Light?
00:51:45Bud Ice
00:51:46I know right?
00:51:47He's been sucking them back like there's no tomorrow except for his last beer
00:51:51His last beer was an expensive microbrew
00:51:53Yeah
00:51:54Okay, that's what we are
00:51:55We're the expensive microbrews, you know
00:51:57We're that one beer that people have, don't appreciate and then dumped go back to drinking cheap beer
00:52:02Does that mean that we suck?
00:52:03No, no it just means that we're not for everyone
00:52:06Someone will come along
00:52:08Make us the only thing they drink
00:52:10So
00:52:16I had a good time
00:52:19So did I
00:52:20You know I'm only doing this to get free sessions, right?
00:52:23Oh no, I know
00:52:24I mean not getting them
00:52:25But it was
00:52:26Gosh
00:52:27It was an inspired attempt
00:52:29So
00:52:35So
00:52:37I mean should we hug?
00:52:41Or what?
00:52:42I don't know
00:52:43I don't know
00:52:44Shake hands maybe
00:52:45Do something to say goodbye
00:52:47Oh like say goodbye?
00:52:49Yeah, no that works
00:52:52We could friend hug
00:52:54You know one good squeeze
00:52:55And then a pat
00:52:57Squeeze and pat
00:52:58Perfect
00:52:59Yeah, yeah, yeah
00:53:00Okay
00:53:01Keep it consistent
00:53:02Yeah
00:53:03Don't stop
00:53:04Oh wait, no
00:53:05No fancy tongue shit
00:53:06No
00:53:07Oh
00:53:08Oh
00:53:09Oh
00:53:10Oh
00:53:11Oh
00:53:12Oh
00:53:14Oh
00:53:15Oh
00:53:16Oh
00:53:17Oh
00:53:18Oh
00:53:19Oh
00:53:20Oh
00:53:21Oh
00:53:22Oh
00:53:23Oh
00:53:24Oh
00:53:25Oh
00:53:26Oh
00:53:27Oh
00:53:28Oh
00:53:29Oh
00:53:30Oh
00:53:31Oh
00:53:32What happened?
00:53:33You wouldn't live
00:53:43Totally wasn't a friend hug
00:53:48Where is that piece of shit?
00:53:51Baby, I love you, okay?
00:53:53Oh shit
00:53:56So listen, I was getting some head last night
00:53:59And I felt something I haven't felt for a while
00:54:01You know that uh
00:54:02Warm feeling where you care less about sex and more about love?
00:54:06So here's your job right now
00:54:08You need to answer
00:54:09Is our dickless friend puppy-dogging it with someone?
00:54:13Hmm?
00:54:14Hmm?
00:54:15What?
00:54:16Oh shit
00:54:18Did I hit you too hard?
00:54:20I guess I'm gonna have to go straight to the source
00:54:22Oh fuck
00:54:39This is not good
00:54:41He says he can feel you
00:54:42Well, good, good
00:54:44I hope I'm distracting him as much as he used to distract me
00:54:47I don't know man
00:54:48I think you set him off with that girl
00:54:50You think he's losing power or something?
00:54:52I haven't been fucked up in a parking lot since I tried to pursue a career in MMA
00:54:57Whatever it is, he's pissed
00:54:59Well, he deserves it, alright?
00:55:02You were right
00:55:03I'm better off without him
00:55:04What are we doing?
00:55:13What are we doing?
00:55:16Surprise
00:55:18Surprise, surprise, it sucks so much
00:55:22I'm just kidding
00:55:23No, I know
00:55:24It's not that
00:55:27I can't tell you
00:55:29Come on
00:55:30Come on, come on
00:55:31Baby kangaroo
00:55:32What?
00:55:34Okay
00:55:35Alright, alright
00:55:36So you know how you always
00:55:38You know how you said
00:55:39You always wanted to kiss in the rain
00:55:43Well, weather.com said
00:55:46It should be raining right now
00:55:52You brought us out here to kiss in the rain
00:55:54No, not kiss
00:55:56Make out passion
00:55:59But
00:56:00I don't know what to say
00:56:01Well, you could say
00:56:03Fuck you, weather.com
00:56:04Fuck you, weather.com
00:56:26Hey, what's wrong?
00:56:27Just like guys usually don't pull away when girls take off their pants
00:56:31I just, you know, I'm not doing this so slow
00:56:32That's all
00:56:34Come on
00:56:36Come on
00:56:38Come on
00:56:40I'm sorry
00:56:42You know, I'm just, I'm not ready
00:56:44You know, I'm sorry
00:56:45I'm sorry
00:56:46I'm sorry, I'm sorry
00:56:47I'm sorry, I'm sorry
00:56:56This is Lindsay
00:56:58Again
00:57:00Look, I don't know what the hell is going on
00:57:02But this is really fucking lame
00:57:03This is really fucking lame
00:57:08Maybe he had an outbreak
00:57:10That's gross
00:57:11Well, why else would he reject you?
00:57:12A guy turning down sex is like a dog turning down chocolate
00:57:15It just doesn't happen
00:57:17He said he wasn't ready
00:57:19Seriously?
00:57:20That's our line
00:57:21That's not his
00:57:23If he's not calling you back, screw him
00:57:25You can do a lot better than a personal trainer
00:57:27There's like billions of them
00:57:29Just I wanted to take him to my sister's wedding too
00:57:32Katie Campbell?
00:57:33Is that you?
00:57:34Oh my god, it's been years
00:57:36Excuse me?
00:57:38Oh my god
00:57:39I'm so sorry
00:57:40I thought you were one of my classmates from Oxford
00:57:43No, I went to school here in state
00:57:45I feel even stupider now
00:57:46Because I just realized that you guys look nothing alike
00:57:49You're much prettier than she was
00:57:50She's single
00:57:52Oh, really?
00:57:53I mean, maybe I should stick around and flirt a little bit then
00:57:55Okay
00:57:56I'm just kidding
00:57:57Um, not really
00:57:58Would you like to join us?
00:58:00Yeah, if, um, um
00:58:02Uh, Lindsay
00:58:03If Lindsay doesn't object
00:58:05Uh, please
00:58:09So, is that Lindsay with an A or Lindsay with an E?
00:58:14A
00:58:15I knew it
00:58:16A Lindsay's always put E, Lindsay's to shame
00:58:18That's a fact
00:58:20I'm RP by the way
00:58:21Hi
00:58:22Hi, I'm Samantha
00:58:23Samantha
00:58:24Yeah
00:58:25Why aren't you gorgeous?
00:58:26Oh, so what do you do, RP?
00:58:28Whew
00:58:29It's actually kind of a, kind of a mouthful
00:58:32Um, I am the international coordinator for a number of charities worldwide
00:58:38Oh, wow
00:58:39Oh, do you have a favorite?
00:58:40They're all equally rewarding, I'd say in their own way, but
00:58:45We did just do a pants drive for the Torso Foundation
00:58:48I've, I've not heard of that one
00:58:51It's a charity, it's for people that have lost the lower half of their bodies
00:58:55Boating accidents and tumors
00:58:58You know, stray cables and amusement park rides
00:59:01But, watching them come together and donate their old pants
00:59:06It really puts things in perspective
00:59:08You know, maybe I'm sappy, but
00:59:09I guess you don't need a pair of legs to walk a mile in someone else's pants
00:59:15Anyway, I feel stupid, I, um, I have a confession
00:59:19There is no Katie Campbell
00:59:21I didn't know how to come over and say hi to you
00:59:23I'm sorry
00:59:24No, you lied because you were nervous
00:59:27That is so cute, isn't that so cute, Lindsay?
00:59:30Yes, I do love an honest liar
00:59:32Oh, wow
00:59:33If you let me take you out to dinner, I would lie to you all night
00:59:36Honestly
00:59:40Alright, so Lindsay, um
00:59:43I don't know how to tell you this, but
00:59:46My penis is gone
00:59:48Penis is M.I.A.
00:59:50My penis is gone on definite...
00:59:52I hate this
00:59:56Hello?
00:59:57What up, kid?
01:00:01What do you want?
01:00:03You can't say what up back?
01:00:05What up?
01:00:06Oh, you know, just get more ass of gay Latin men
01:00:09Haven't you felt it?
01:00:11No, I haven't
01:00:12Well, that's weird because I've been feeling you getting all lovey-dovey
01:00:14I figured you'd be feeling me getting all bustin' nutty
01:00:17What do you want?
01:00:18I was gonna call and invite you to dinner tomorrow night
01:00:20I'm gonna be down at the Bougie Fondue Place down in Armitage
01:00:24You know, it looks pretty low-key, but kind of expensive
01:00:27Sorry, I'm gonna have to pass on that
01:00:29You're not gonna want to do that
01:00:32And why's that?
01:00:33Therein lies the fun
01:00:35You're just gonna have to trust that I've got something mind-blowing for your ass
01:00:38You're probably gonna want to put it in your memoirs
01:00:39And don't even think about not showing up because I will make your life suck harder than the WNBA
01:00:46I'll make sure the whole world knows you're packing a blank canvas
01:00:49You wouldn't
01:00:52Uh, actually, I would
01:00:53So, Paula back, bitch
01:00:56I haven't told you how beautiful you look tonight
01:01:06Oh, thank you
01:01:09Don't thank me, I said that I haven't told you
01:01:14Do you know why?
01:01:16Why?
01:01:17Because I can't find the words to express how beautiful you look
01:01:21Um, you know, you don't need to spit game, I'm already having dinner with you
01:01:25I'm not spitting game, I am just, like, grenade-launching it everywhere I can
01:01:32Like me, please
01:01:34You're kind of a dork, you know that
01:01:36Is that a bad thing, or?
01:01:37No, not at all, it's better than not being a dork
01:01:40Kind of a late bloomer
01:01:42Kinda comes with the territory
01:01:44So, I'm gonna run to the bathroom
01:01:46And then when I come back, I will be initiating light contact
01:01:50Just wanna warn you, and it might come from under the table
01:02:21Oh my god, Rich?
01:02:23What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
01:02:27Oh my god, you stay the fuck away from her, okay?
01:02:30I'm sorry, do I know you?
01:02:31Don't play that shit with me, I am not scared of you
01:02:34Rich, what are you doing here?
01:02:36He told me to come
01:02:38I have never seen this guy in my life
01:02:41Bullshit, bullshit
01:02:43Bullshit, okay?
01:02:45He is my...
01:02:47You're what?
01:02:48You're what?
01:02:49You're what?
01:02:51Nothing, nothing
01:02:53What were you going to say?
01:02:54Yeah, what?
01:02:55Nothing
01:02:56He's my doppelganger
01:02:58Oh, that's really sad
01:03:00I've heard about a mental illness is what I got
01:03:03Shut up, okay, Lindsay, you have to listen to me, okay?
01:03:06You want to stay away from this, and he's...
01:03:08Oh shit!
01:03:10Oh my god!
01:03:11That guy had no dick!
01:03:12You see that?
01:03:15That guy's missing you, sir
01:03:16Very odd
01:03:21Sorry about everything that happened tonight
01:03:25Oh, don't be, it's not your fault
01:03:31I just can't believe it, he had nothing down there
01:03:35I mean, do you think that's like a birth defect or a cancer thing?
01:03:37I don't know
01:03:40Why would the busboy just pull down his pants like that?
01:03:45I think busboys just have a sick sense about bad people, you know?
01:03:50Kind of like animals
01:03:52Is something going on between you two?
01:03:54I don't know what's going on
01:03:57I mean, obviously I have no idea what happened between you two
01:04:01I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that he's got an acre for sale and he's batshit crazy, but...
01:04:07It's not my business, I'm not one to judge
01:04:09I just don't want to interfere with anything, so...
01:04:13If you want me to back off, I totally understand
01:04:15Oh, no
01:04:17It's fine
01:04:18Are you sure?
01:04:19I like you
01:04:22Sorry, sounds like a...
01:04:26Want to go on a picnic this Saturday?
01:04:28I can't, um, my sister's getting married
01:04:31Oh, no shit
01:04:32Well, congratulations to her
01:04:34Open bar?
01:04:35Oh, yeah
01:04:36Nice, you know, no government-recognized lifelong commitment is complete without copious amounts of alcohol
01:04:41Tell me about it
01:04:46Do you maybe want to come with me?
01:04:49What, like beer date?
01:04:51No, not at all
01:04:53I'd be buzzed and flirting with you with the romantic backdrop of a wedding
01:04:58Of course I want to go with you
01:05:00Fuck a picnic
01:05:02Great, um...
01:05:04See you Saturday then
01:05:06Saturday it is
01:05:10Oh, I'm sorry
01:05:11No, that's okay
01:05:12I know it's not me
01:05:13My confidence is still intact
01:05:15So I'll just be handsome for you on Saturday?
01:05:20Who is that, isn't it?
01:05:24Got you anyway
01:05:33Hello? It's Lindsay
01:05:47Haha, just kidding, no, leave a message, not here
01:05:52279 missed calls, that's a new stalker record
01:05:54Give me back my phone
01:05:56No, I won't
01:05:58I'm holding onto this for your own good
01:06:00Because the sooner that psycho is out of your life, the better
01:06:03He's not a psycho
01:06:04Lindsay, he doesn't have a dick
01:06:06He could be Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys, circa 1999
01:06:09I'd still be like, kick him to the curb
01:06:11You can't be with somebody that you can't have sex with, alright?
01:06:15He doesn't have a dick
01:06:17Lindsay?
01:06:18No, but I did make her face look like a Cinnabon last night
01:06:20You motherfucker
01:06:22Where are you?
01:06:23I am at a payphone somewhere
01:06:25I actually don't know how I keep finding these things
01:06:27Where's Lindsay?
01:06:28Oh, don't worry about her, she's home safe right now, she's recovering
01:06:30So that birthmark on her right hip, that didn't bother you?
01:06:31Nope, reverse side cowgirl, all night
01:06:32Didn't have to see one deformity
01:06:34Yeah, you know, she doesn't have a birthmark
01:06:36Oh, okay, fine, great, you got me
01:06:38But you're still a bitch, and she's still an inevitability
01:06:41We're going to a wedding this weekend together
01:06:43What?
01:06:44What?
01:06:45What?
01:06:46What?
01:06:47What?
01:06:48What?
01:06:49What?
01:06:50What?
01:06:51What?
01:06:52What?
01:06:53What?
01:06:54What?
01:06:55What?
01:06:56What?
01:06:57What?
01:06:58What?
01:06:59What?
01:07:01Weddings are pretty conducive to penetration
01:07:03Are you really calling me just to talk shit?
01:07:05What?
01:07:06I just can't call and talk shit?
01:07:07I thought you knew me better than that
01:07:09But no, I called to tell you that girlfriends are for guys who can't get pussy
01:07:13And you're just trying to boo up right now because you're no longer a force in the fuck circuit
01:07:17So, I suggest that you don't, or I will find whoever you fall for and tear them up like a losing scratch off
01:07:23Save yourself some pain, and uh, call it a life
01:07:30Hello?
01:07:31Hi, I was just calling to say that I just found your dog Rusty
01:07:44Are you serious?
01:07:45Thank heavens, baby!
01:07:46They found Rusty!
01:07:47They got Rusty!
01:07:48Woo!
01:07:49Oh my god, he's here!
01:07:50Oh my god, he's here!
01:07:51Oh my god, he's here!
01:07:52Oh my god, he's here!
01:07:53I'm just fucking with you guys.
01:07:54I don't know where the hell your dog is.
01:07:55No!
01:07:56No!
01:07:57No!
01:07:58No!
01:07:59No!
01:08:04I don't think this is a battle you can win.
01:08:07Adrian said the exact same thing to Rocky right before Emma, he fought Dragon
01:08:14Rocky's a retard.
01:08:16He blocks with his head.
01:08:18Rocky has heart.
01:08:19So did Rudy, and everyone knew not to give that motherfucker a chance.
01:08:27Look, this isn't about me anymore, okay?
01:08:29This is about Lindsey, and I will be goddamned if I let my dick have his way with her.
01:08:36How are you gonna stop?
01:08:38Well...
01:08:40No.
01:08:41No, Rich.
01:08:42I'm not getting involved.
01:08:44I'm not.
01:08:47Goddammit.
01:08:48So why are you so charming?
01:09:01I'm having a great time with you.
01:09:02I'm having fun too.
01:09:03I was worried it might be a little weird.
01:09:05Yeah, I sense that.
01:09:07But all that matters is you're having a good time.
01:09:11By the way, I've got a wonderful evening planned for us.
01:09:14Do you have an evening planned for us?
01:09:16Yeah, I know we're gonna be leaving here shit-faced, but regardless, I thought it'd be nice to ride high on the sentiment of the day.
01:09:23That, and I have a giant middle school crush on you.
01:09:30Proper girl in the hatches, I fucked the shit out of me.
01:09:32Do not.
01:09:33Quote wedding crashers.
01:09:35We're crashing a wedding.
01:09:36Why can't we quote wedding crashers?
01:09:37You guys, it's played out.
01:09:39Oh, hey.
01:09:40This is my Uncle Bob.
01:09:42Bob.
01:09:43Hi.
01:09:44Pleasure.
01:09:45My Aunt Judy.
01:09:46Judy, very lovely.
01:09:47Bob, you dog.
01:09:48And this is my little cousin Gabby.
01:09:50Oh.
01:09:52Well, hello there, Gabby.
01:09:54Oh, wow.
01:09:55Sir.
01:09:56Aren't you gonna be hot when you get older?
01:09:59Please remember me?
01:10:02Yeah, she still believes in Santa.
01:10:04Who wants more champagne?
01:10:06Yes.
01:10:07Right there.
01:10:08There they are.
01:10:10Alright.
01:10:11Did you bring it?
01:10:12It's right here.
01:10:16What would I do without you?
01:10:18Hey, I'm gonna go get some, you know, hit the head.
01:10:39Um, that's what I meant to say.
01:10:42You good?
01:10:49Excuse me.
01:10:50Could you slip this to that girl right over there?
01:10:53Um, excuse me, but do I look like a fucking messenger?
01:10:58Meet me at Shiller's statue.
01:11:01Oh, what the fuck is this?
01:11:05Oh, no, wait.
01:11:06Let me guess.
01:11:07You want to get her alone so you can profess your undying love for her
01:11:12and then steal her away from the guy she's with.
01:11:15Oh, that is so fucking original, really.
01:11:19And you know what, though?
01:11:20I really don't want to be a part of that.
01:11:22So I'm gonna tell you what.
01:11:24Judging from your behavior, you seem like a major creeper,
01:11:27which is probably why she doesn't want to be with you.
01:11:29And you know what?
01:11:30I wouldn't want to be with you either.
01:11:31And you are normally my type.
01:11:33But I'm gonna tell you something.
01:11:34I'm not gonna tell on you,
01:11:36cause that is bad fucking karma.
01:11:39But I am gonna strongly suggest that you, sir,
01:11:42get out of here.
01:11:44Thank you so much.
01:11:49Excuse me.
01:11:50Could you hand this to that girl right over there?
01:11:53Sure.
01:11:58Excuse me, miss.
01:11:59This is for you.
01:12:02Please, don't freak out.
01:12:27I can't promise anything.
01:12:29Look, I know.
01:12:30I'm in no position to explain myself,
01:12:33and I'm not even gonna try, okay?
01:12:35I just came here because I wanted to show you something.
01:12:38And that is all.
01:12:40And you look fabulous in that dress, by the way.
01:12:44Thanks.
01:12:46I have a good trainer.
01:12:48Yes, you do.
01:12:49All right.
01:12:50Right here.
01:12:51Come on.
01:12:52Come on.
01:12:57Damn, girl.
01:12:58You shouldn't be eye fucking the shit out of me
01:12:59if you're gonna make me work like this.
01:13:00What the hell is this?
01:13:01Linz?
01:13:03Rich?
01:13:04I guess you do know me.
01:13:05This isn't what it looks like.
01:13:07Uh, if it looks like he was all over me
01:13:08trying to get me to blow him,
01:13:10then yeah, it is what it looks like.
01:13:12Please don't say that again.
01:13:13I'm sorry.
01:13:14You're the one who made me do this.
01:13:15Rich is lucky I love him so much.
01:13:17Thank you, Emily.
01:13:18You're welcome, Rich.
01:13:19I'm taking you home and bathing you in pine salt.
01:13:22I was drinking.
01:13:23She started coming on to me.
01:13:25I was telling her stop.
01:13:26I was pushing her away and she just kept coming at me.
01:13:29He set this up.
01:13:31Excuses, excuses.
01:13:32Linz, please.
01:13:36It's gonna be like that.
01:13:41No, no, no.
01:13:44I can't let you guys get all touchy-feely.
01:13:46Oh, hey, officer.
01:13:49We're fine.
01:13:52Ow!
01:13:53Ow!
01:13:54Let go of me, you asshole!
01:13:55You forgot to say please.
01:14:00Where's the bomb?
01:14:01Strap one!
01:14:02Where's the bomb?
01:14:08Oh, my God.
01:14:09The cake always gets destroyed, then.
01:14:10Don't act surprised.
01:14:11No!
01:14:12No!
01:14:13Help!
01:14:14Help!
01:14:15We're just roleplaying.
01:14:16There's no need to be alarmed.
01:14:18No one's gonna have this.
01:14:19Don't work it out.
01:14:20No one's gonna have this.
01:14:21Don't work it out.
01:14:22Why are you doing this?
01:14:23Well, you don't like being kidnapped?
01:14:24Messing with you.
01:14:25There's no need to be alarmed.
01:14:34Why are you doing this?
01:14:35You don't like being kidnapped?
01:14:37Just messing with you.
01:14:40Me and Rich, we go together like cornrows in crime.
01:14:43Unfortunately, that pesky little heart of his
01:14:45could fuck up my very existence.
01:14:47So it goes down to the whole Darwinian thing.
01:14:49I was hoping you'd fall for me, but since it's not
01:14:51looking like we're gonna be smelling each other's farts
01:14:53any time soon, just gotta make sure
01:14:55you don't fall for Rich.
01:14:57Yeah, and I think it's hard to fall for someone
01:14:59if you're falling off a building.
01:15:01No! No!
01:15:03Anyone see a girl being kidnapped?
01:15:05Is this part of the role-playing too?
01:15:07No, it's not role-playing!
01:15:21You're not the lightest thing, are you?
01:15:22Out of a size three, asshole!
01:15:24Where? Old Navy?
01:15:30It's a pity things didn't work out.
01:15:32Tonight was gonna be amazing.
01:15:34I was gonna cuddle you, and love you, and romance you,
01:15:38and then stretch you.
01:15:39Hope I get a refund on that room.
01:15:41Fingers crossed, right?
01:15:46All right, where'd she go? Where'd she go? Where'd she go?
01:15:48There she is. There she is.
01:15:52Stay the fuck away from me!
01:15:54Just come look at the view with me, please.
01:15:56Oh!
01:15:58Oh, fuck!
01:16:00Woo! That was so fucking meta!
01:16:02Oh, shit!
01:16:04You again.
01:16:06You're like gum on a fucking shoe.
01:16:08You need to stay away from her.
01:16:10Why? So you guys can just go right off into the sunset
01:16:12and grind your crotches together?
01:16:14Eh, I don't think so.
01:16:16You're getting weaker, aren't you?
01:16:18I mean, that's why you just, you can't leave us alone.
01:16:20Wow!
01:16:22You are so brilliant.
01:16:24You fucking cracked the code, man!
01:16:26What the hell are you talking about?
01:16:28He is, he's not
01:16:30my doppelganger, okay?
01:16:32He, he's my penis.
01:16:34Don't think about it too hard, darling.
01:16:38It's pretty complicated.
01:16:40No, no, no, no, no!
01:16:42Look, I'm not leaving without her, okay?
01:16:44Oh, okay. Well, uh, then you're not leaving.
01:16:46Hey, you want to know why I am who I am
01:16:49and he is who he isn't?
01:16:51Because he can't behave himself.
01:16:54He's cheated on every single girlfriend
01:16:56that he's ever had.
01:16:57It's not true.
01:16:58Oh, okay. How about I tell a little story then?
01:17:00So, Rich dated this girl Kimmy for about, what, five years?
01:17:04She was perfect, actually.
01:17:06Anyway, she took a heavy shit on his heart
01:17:07by sleeping with somebody else,
01:17:08which is, she's pretty sad, huh?
01:17:11Except he cheated on her.
01:17:16A few times!
01:17:18And nobody knew it!
01:17:19Not even his little fucking butt-buddy Josh.
01:17:22And then he likes to blame their failure
01:17:24on her cold ways when the reality is
01:17:27that he was fucking around
01:17:29the whole time.
01:17:33Look, things are gonna be different.
01:17:35Haven't you figured it out yet, Rich?
01:17:37As long as I'm here,
01:17:39it's always gonna be the same.
01:17:41No, it's not.
01:17:44Okay, I blamed you for a lot of things in the past.
01:17:47Okay, I made excuses.
01:17:49But I am stronger than you.
01:17:50It's my fault for never saying no.
01:17:53I mean, I was a shitty person.
01:17:55Simple as that.
01:17:56And I know, I know I can't be with her
01:17:59and give her what she needs,
01:18:00and that sucks and it hurts,
01:18:02but that's not what this is about.
01:18:05Okay, this is about keeping her away
01:18:09from someone like you.
01:18:13Well, let's test that resolve.
01:18:15Pets.
01:18:16Okay.
01:18:25Is that all you got?
01:18:26You used to jerk me off harder than that.
01:18:28Get up.
01:18:29Get up.
01:18:30Short leg.
01:18:31Can't do it.
01:18:32Get up.
01:18:33Long leg.
01:18:34I'll kick you all day.
01:18:35No, you won't.
01:18:36Get up.
01:18:37I think so.
01:18:38Okay, wow.
01:18:40Alright.
01:18:41Game changer.
01:18:43A little cyanide?
01:18:44Good, yeah.
01:18:45Right now's the perfect time to end it.
01:18:46No, this is for erectile dysfunction.
01:18:48You think you're going to stiffen me up?
01:18:50It's not going to work.
01:18:51We're about to find out.
01:18:52Okay.
01:18:53Yes.
01:18:54Oh, look.
01:18:55It's that gun that's just out of reach.
01:18:56Hey, you want to graze it?
01:18:57There you go.
01:18:58Just give it a little graze with those fingertips.
01:18:59Do it.
01:19:00Yeah.
01:19:01Oh, look.
01:19:02Oh, look.
01:19:03Oh, look.
01:19:04It's that gun that's just out of reach.
01:19:06Hey, you want to graze it?
01:19:07There you go.
01:19:08Just give it a little graze with those fingertips.
01:19:09Oh, dude.
01:19:10Oh, yeah.
01:19:11Oh, great.
01:19:12Now we've got to wait an hour and a half for them to take effect.
01:19:13These are one-sissies.
01:19:14Oh.
01:19:15Yeah.
01:19:16Oh.
01:19:17Oh.
01:19:18Oh, good.
01:19:19Oh, yeah.
01:19:20Oh, great.
01:19:22Now we've got to wait an hour and a half for them to take effect.
01:19:25These are one-sissies.
01:19:27Oh.
01:19:28Yeah.
01:19:29Woo! Yeah! They are good! They feel fucking good!
01:19:34Oh! Oh! Oh! You got fucked up, son!
01:19:37Oh!
01:19:38Remember me? Bit slap! Bit slap! Bit slap! Bit slap! Pimp! Pimp! Pimp!
01:19:53I like you better when you're a damsel in distress!
01:19:57Woo! Where's he gonna go?
01:20:05No! Get him!
01:20:09Get up, please!
01:20:11Probably should have done my back to him.
01:20:13No! Get!
01:20:14Can you give me a solid? Let me know if he's coming up.
01:20:17Fuck you!
01:20:18Oh, thank you.
01:20:19Help me!
01:20:21Help!
01:20:22He's here! I got you!
01:20:24You wanna go another round?
01:20:27Okay.
01:20:28Okay.
01:20:30Okay.
01:20:34I win.
01:21:04Here you go folks, I need a little blanket.
01:21:15No, thank you.
01:21:17It's like 70 degrees out here, so you don't need a blanket.
01:21:22Thank you for saving me.
01:21:24Sure.
01:21:25I mean, I'm going to have to bill you for a few extra training sessions, but...
01:21:28Shut up.
01:21:29All right, look, so I know that I'm not all there, so to speak, but...
01:21:41Okay.
01:21:42Hey, I want to make it work too.
01:21:46Yeah?
01:21:49I want to make it work too.
01:22:00What?
01:22:01What?
01:22:02Rich!
01:22:07Oh my god!
01:22:11What?
01:22:12Oh yes!
01:22:13Oh, I own you, bitch!
01:22:15Where's the perp?
01:22:16He's gone.
01:22:17He vanished.
01:22:18Like Yoda.
01:22:19He did a slow fade into nothing?
01:22:21No.
01:22:22It was the blink of the eye.
01:22:23Okay, then it's not like Yoda, because Yoda faded away.
01:22:27Right.
01:22:28Oh my god.
01:22:29Sorry.
01:22:30Really?
01:22:31Sorry.
01:22:32Sorry.
01:22:33Yeah.
01:22:34All right, look.
01:22:35Wow.
01:22:36Now that he's back, I'm sorry.
01:22:39I'm sorry.
01:22:40Sorry.
01:22:41Yeah.
01:22:42All right, look.
01:22:43Wow.
01:22:44Now that he's back, okay, I can't promise that I won't look, but I can promise 100% that
01:22:56I will be good.
01:22:58I'll just have to keep you occupied, then.
01:23:02Mm, yeah, it works.
01:23:03Mm, yeah, it works.
01:23:04Mm, yeah, it works.
01:23:05Mm, yeah, it works.
01:23:07Mm, yeah, it works.
01:23:12You and me at the edge of the world, with a pretty sacred smile for me to see, for
01:23:17me to see, for me to see, with new bright whites and a cage full of my eyes.
01:23:23And I make you look happy to feed my zeal, my zeal, my zeal.
01:23:34I'll give you to smile at me.
01:23:43I could carve a land or sea.
01:23:52After you said that you light me red, I opened up my mind and skipped a beat, skipped a beat.
01:24:00Caught rings and hands in wrong places and faces.
01:24:05A creepy little moon in many weeks, baby, baby, baby.
01:24:11And with no decision to be, what is mine is yours to be.
01:24:28Well, you know, I'll have to see.
01:24:33With all the stars alive because all the mystery, it's a partial fantasy.
01:24:42We're living in a land that was straight from history, free history.
01:24:49etwasa blooper.
01:24:50A land that was dying.
01:24:51The trend of blossoming about と belopia.
01:24:52In 30 is 15 years ago.
01:24:54For me to turn away.
01:24:55And with no attraction to this place.
01:24:56There have to see.
01:24:57Large of civilization, full of photography.
01:24:58We're living in a world where you are.
01:24:59You've lived in a Self.
01:25:00A life that I can't believe.
01:25:01A life that's not the best.
01:25:02You've begun, full of目前.
01:25:03A life that's not the best!
01:25:04And as you can drink my life.
01:25:05começou a life...
01:25:07And as you say, whose life to myself?
01:25:09And as you can sleep, the end of life,
01:25:12the lightness are like me and the baby.
01:25:13And as you can have to see some of the charm of this,
01:25:16You and me at the edge of the bed
01:25:22Looking at the faded pictures for you to see and me to see
01:25:27Murdered colonies lined without rivers
01:25:32Raging in the middle of some side of destiny
01:25:35Destiny, take one look to find my eye
01:25:45Safety's in the middle of the night
01:25:55Waiting for the water to see
01:25:59With all the stars and our wrinkles, all the mystery
01:26:04It's a partial fantasy
01:26:08The little land that went straight to mystery
01:26:13What the smell is that you can't read
01:26:30The other one
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