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00:00Captions by Cleve
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00:26We were all slightly mystified
00:28by what was going to happen on the evening.
00:30There was a certain element of scooby-doo about it.
00:34There was a certain element of you'd be wondering why I've invited you all here,
00:37especially because it's not somewhere you'd associate with Bob.
00:44My goodness, we felt so lucky to be there.
00:48We really did, sitting there in that very intimate environment.
00:53Bob was very keen for me to come down that night,
00:58which is a source of great pride.
01:04Bob had asked for people to come along who he wanted to be there,
01:09and I was one of them, so I was kind of a bit honoured by that, actually.
01:17I think I did know that he'd been ill.
01:19It was, and obviously we didn't know it was his last ever time to go.
01:23that he would be performing for an invited audience,
01:25but it felt very exclusive.
01:30Then he said, I'm doing this thing at the Albany.
01:33Would you like to come down?
01:34And I thought, I appear to be mates with Bob Monkhouse.
01:41You knew from the moment you entered the room
01:43that you're about to witness something special.
01:53I always like the sound of a chatty audience.
02:00If they're chatting among themselves, they're less inhibited.
02:03They're communicating.
02:04They're getting, they're having a good time.
02:07They're also getting well-oiled.
02:08They've got to drink each,
02:09which is always good for an audience
02:11to feel that they're less inhibited because of booze.
02:15Not too much.
02:17They'll get another little break late.
02:19See, I heard my name mentioned then, you see.
02:21You used Twitch.
02:23So really, this is the moment where I feel
02:26many people, many comedians I know,
02:28are wrecked with insecurity and fear.
02:31I'm so stupid.
02:32I don't understand that anything could go wrong.
02:34I'm filled with anticipatory glee.
02:36I can't wait to get out there.
02:38So if you'll excuse me, I'll get out there.
02:40Bob Monkhouse!
02:56Oh, that's a, that's a lovely welcome.
02:59Thank you very much indeed for that.
03:00Oh, I think, hey, I've done my time.
03:06No, that's a, that's a hell of a welcome.
03:08Thank you very much, Dominic, for, for that introduction.
03:11I think of all the introductions I've ever had in my life,
03:13that was the most recent.
03:16Sincerely, Dominic.
03:19This is, as you know, this cellar is a Fred West franchise.
03:22And, oh, God, that's a, hi, Kevin.
03:28That's as, that's as vile as I get.
03:31I guess it's because of my age.
03:32I am feeling, uh, my age lately.
03:35I haven't gotten one of those stair lifts.
03:38Um, I haven't got one of those yet.
03:39Or a walk-in bath.
03:42But, um, I've got, my bed has one of those inventions
03:45that gradually brings you to an upright position.
03:48Uh, Viagra, you know, you know.
03:49I, I stayed overnight, uh, last night in a, in a London hotel.
03:54I like, one, uh, you like me.
03:56When you get to a hotel room, is it your domain?
03:58It is, uh, for me, it's paid for.
04:01I, I, you know, this is, this is where I live.
04:02This is my kingdom for the period I'm in it.
04:05I, I like to sleep in the nude.
04:07And, uh, I don't think there's anything wrong with that, do you?
04:10And I'm lying there, naked on the bed.
04:13And the chambermaid walks in.
04:16Finally.
04:17I, I think, I think sleeping in the nude is a perfectly natural.
04:29I can't, well, maybe you shouldn't do it on those long flights, but.
04:37And I'm not a good flyer anyway.
04:40I, I, what do, I can never get over when you get to the, uh, the airport.
04:43And they have luggage shops in the, in the airport.
04:47Who arrives at the airport with his arms full of underwear?
04:50Oh, thank God, cases.
04:51When he starts, it's just, um, you know, they are, every joke lands, you can tell the craft, the timing.
05:01I mean, I think one of the things that Bob was always accused of was it was almost too immaculate, you know.
05:06Um, and I don't think that can be a, a real thing.
05:09When you see it in the flesh, I thought, oh God, this is why he's still doing it.
05:12You know, he was, he was quite brilliant.
05:14Uh, there's an interview with, uh, Les Dennis.
05:16Who says, uh, that he wants to spend more time on his own.
05:21So I guess he's going on tour again.
05:29Oh, the naked chef.
05:31He's done a great job, hasn't he, um, Jamie Oliver, of encouraging, uh, out-of-work students to become chefs.
05:37I think that's, he deserves every kind of, uh, last night apparently, it doesn't say where, Clarence House or somewhere.
05:43He prepared a four-course meal for Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles.
05:48And he says, the prince really tucked into the moose, but I imagine that was later after he'd gone.
06:00And he says, well, Ulricha is quoted.
06:03He says, despite what they say, Prince Edward is all man.
06:06He was in the military, wasn't he?
06:08He says here, Prince Edward, Prince Edward was sometime, was in the Hussars.
06:14It doesn't say Hussars he was in, it just says.
06:19That's all it says.
06:20This was, this was not the seven o'clock on a, you know, on a Saturday night Bob Monkhouse.
06:25This was, you know, but then again, he knew his audience.
06:27You know what I mean?
06:28He, you know, he wasn't performing in front of kids.
06:30He was performing in front of other people who do stand up for a living.
06:36There's that initial, almost worry that you think, well, hell no, I don't really want him to go too far.
06:42We don't want Uncle Bob to turn into nasty Uncle Bob.
06:46Then, of course, you realise he's way too good to do that.
06:48He knows exactly what he can get away with.
06:51Lord Archer of Western Supermare is here, the only seaside pier upon which Danny LaRue has never performed.
06:59Okay, had a slip in an old one there, but I do like it.
07:02Oh, they're going over the fact he gave £2,000 to Monica Coughlin, who was a prostitute at the time.
07:09If you give £2,000 to a woman and have no sex, that is not actually prostitution, that is alimony.
07:17And I have never paid for sex in my life, by the way.
07:20Never in my life have I paid for sex.
07:23I've left some screaming tarts behind me in a fury.
07:29I don't understand prostitution anyway.
07:30So, what man wants to go to bed with a woman who has nothing but total contempt for him,
07:35and is only doing it for the money, and get that at home?
07:42Monica Lewinsky arrived in London tonight, or last night actually,
07:47and she's 31 tomorrow, 31 years old, gosh.
07:50Seems like only yesterday she was crawling around on all fours in the Oval Office.
07:57So that is the way, and for those of you,
07:59I mean, there are professional comedians who are here,
08:02and I'm very flattered and delighted that they are.
08:04Of course none of those headlines are in here.
08:07They're all bits of paper I've stuck in here.
08:11Les Dennis, number one, see?
08:15There's absolutely no need to strain yourself, is there, really?
08:17I think he knew that he didn't have a natural sort of stand-up persona,
08:23and he had to work at it, but that's, you know,
08:25he's a bit like the sort of the Jeff Boycott of stand-up in a way.
08:29You know, I'm going to practice more than anybody else.
08:34I, I've had my great days, I suppose.
08:37I like to think of myself as one of those Superman characters.
08:39I love the movies now that show all the comic book characters.
08:42My wife calls me Spider-Man, even at my age.
08:46Spider-Man.
08:48That's because I can't get out of the bath unassisted.
08:58I had, we had our, um...
09:01We had our 29th wedding anniversary, um, uh, last year.
09:05That was, like, we'll be 30 this year,
09:07but we, uh, I took her to La Gavroche,
09:09which I thought, you know, somewhere really posh.
09:11It was horrible.
09:13The head waiter was, was so snooty,
09:15it ruined our evening.
09:16He came over, I,
09:17I said, I'd like the crab toasted,
09:19and he raised a glass of white wine to my wife
09:21and said, you have, you have.
09:26Which, which, which ruined the...
09:29And then I, we went out in Barbados,
09:31and I took my wife shark fishing,
09:33which was very...
09:33She didn't know she was shark fishing.
09:35Thought she was water skiing.
09:36You know, a joke is like this beautiful piece
09:42of precision engineering,
09:43the perfect miniature three-act play
09:45beginning, middle, punchline,
09:47and, um, Bob had this wonderful way
09:49of just casting a look,
09:51or just establishing a sense of knowing
09:53with the audience,
09:54just to really sell those key points in a gag,
09:58but without selling it.
10:00You know, he knew how to make those connections
10:01so subtly
10:02and make the material work so beautifully.
10:04A Rolls-Royce of gag tellers.
10:07This is the Albany Comedy Club, by the way,
10:10and they're not just comedy.
10:10They have a stripper in here every night.
10:13They take the label off and call it vodka.
10:19Yeah, when in doubt, wait,
10:21and then wait some more.
10:22I have had a sex life,
10:27just in case you...
10:28I mean, don't look at me
10:29with too much pity.
10:31As a lad,
10:32I was fat and plain and pimply.
10:34I couldn't strike up a conversation
10:36with a girl of my own age,
10:37and I devised...
10:39It sounds ludicrous now,
10:40but I thought it would work.
10:41There used to be a sort of a bar
10:43on the way through to a dance hall
10:45where I lived in Beckenham, Kent.
10:46You probably know I come from Kent.
10:48I hear people mention the word.
10:49They mutter it as they see me.
10:56And I managed to get a set
10:59of six industrial-strength magnets,
11:03very powerful little magnets,
11:04like little heavy polo mints,
11:06and I sewed them in a sort of semi-set
11:08around the fly of my trousers,
11:10and I posed on a stool
11:11not unlike this one,
11:12thus, hoping that a girl would pass by
11:15on the way into the dance hall
11:16wearing a lot of rings on her fingers.
11:19entering my field of magnetic attraction,
11:21you understand.
11:22Her hand would,
11:23inadvertently and uncontrollably,
11:25fly into my fly,
11:26as it were,
11:27and we could strike up
11:28an elegant conversation
11:29based upon...
11:31Not a bad scheme.
11:32Well, I must have been looking that way
11:34when this short man
11:35with braces on his teeth came by.
11:36LAUGHTER
11:36He still writes.
11:42LAUGHTER
11:43He was a wonderful stand-up comedian.
11:49And even on that night,
11:52even allowing for the fact
11:52he was tired and he was ill,
11:54his technique is still fantastic.
11:56His timing is fantastic.
11:57The devices he has
11:59to delay a punchline,
12:01just little things,
12:02just like this one bit
12:03where he just licks his eyebrow like that.
12:06And he's just...
12:06It's just clever things.
12:07I mean, and they're all deliberate as well,
12:09because you know as a stand-up yourself,
12:10you know these are deliberate things
12:11and not just tics or jesters.
12:13I had an affair with a lady optician once
12:15who drove me mad in bed.
12:17She kept saying,
12:17is it better like this
12:18or better like that?
12:19Is it better like that?
12:19LAUGHTER
12:19Guys used to come back from overseas
12:26with infections, you know,
12:27social inconveniences,
12:29and they would say to their ladies,
12:33I swear to God I haven't been
12:34with another woman,
12:35I swear to God I haven't.
12:36I must have got it off a toilet seat.
12:38This was the story.
12:39Whenever guys came back from overseas,
12:41I must have got this infection
12:42from a toilet seat.
12:43And I always wondered
12:44whether you could do that.
12:45And I said to the doctor,
12:46is it possible
12:47that an innocent man such as myself
12:49could get a social infection
12:50from a toilet seat?
12:52You know what he said?
12:54Yes.
12:55Yes, he said.
12:56If you sit down
12:57before the other fellas got up,
12:58yes.
12:59LAUGHTER
12:59LAUGHTER
13:00You need eyes on the back of your head,
13:05ladies and gentlemen.
13:05His timing, technical ability,
13:09for him as a comedian,
13:11is just really lovely to watch
13:12because he's very slick.
13:14I don't mean that in a smooth,
13:16marmy way,
13:16I mean he's just slick.
13:18LAUGHTER
13:18Funny thing is,
13:20there are a number of guys
13:22and a couple of gals here tonight
13:24who are funny for money.
13:27Generally speaking,
13:27it's a lonely path to walk.
13:29You've got to find your own way to it.
13:31I found my way to get exposure on TV
13:34was to get myself a vehicle,
13:36a game show.
13:37There are disadvantages, you know,
13:38people only think...
13:39That's all you do.
13:40They think you're just a game show host
13:42and for about 20 years
13:43that's all I did on television
13:45and people see me coming,
13:46they go,
13:47that's Monkhouse.
13:49That's bleeding Monkhouse.
13:52He's got prizes.
13:53LAUGHTER
13:53I'll keep him talking,
13:59you look for his van.
14:00LAUGHTER
14:00And then, you know,
14:02I'd ask the time,
14:03they'd get it right,
14:03they'd expect a bloody food mixer.
14:05LAUGHTER
14:06Only certain shows
14:08were difficult to do.
14:09The National Lottery
14:10was a bugger to do
14:11because people didn't tune in
14:13to hear jokes.
14:14They'd tune in to see
14:14the National Lottery,
14:15see if they've won.
14:16So they had no sense of humour
14:17when they tuned in
14:17the National Lottery.
14:18And I'm there doing
14:1917 minutes live
14:21on a Saturday or a Wednesday
14:22presenting the National Lottery.
14:24A thankless task,
14:25I'll tell you that.
14:26I'm doing gags
14:26that deeply offend people,
14:28you know.
14:28I said in Eastbourne
14:29they'd opened
14:30a new branch of Next
14:31and it was a funeral parlour.
14:36Well...
14:36It's jammed switchboard
14:38right away.
14:39I had a gag about dyslexia
14:41and the producer
14:41said to me,
14:42oh my God,
14:43you've done a gag
14:44about dyslexia.
14:45We're going to get letters.
14:46I said, no, we're not.
14:47LAUGHTER
14:47We were in Sicily
15:04and they have
15:06a National Lottery there
15:06and it was really weird
15:07because the guy came on
15:08doing the news
15:08and says,
15:09I know the news
15:10from Sicily here
15:12is very important.
15:14A man shot
15:16in a broad daylight.
15:18This is tomorrow
15:19by 9.30.
15:20LAUGHTER
15:21And the National Lottery,
15:26the winning ticket
15:27is 22,
15:2833,
15:299,
15:3044,
15:3151,
15:32and...
15:33I don't know,
15:3462.
15:35LAUGHTER
15:36Congratulations yet again,
15:37Don Vincenzo.
15:39LAUGHTER
15:39So, you see,
15:42this was my living
15:44for 55 years
15:46and I am a gag merchant
15:49but, you see,
15:49you know,
15:49my heroes have always
15:50been comedians.
15:52They've got to be people
15:52that you admire
15:53without reservation
15:55and I grew up
15:57watching the great comics
15:58of Variety Theatre
15:59and, you know,
16:01Max Miller,
16:01when you talk...
16:02You can't see him on film,
16:03it doesn't happen.
16:04His eyes actually twinkle.
16:05Those blue eyes actually...
16:07They were hypnotic
16:08and the great ones,
16:11Max Wall,
16:12Jimmy James,
16:13eventually,
16:14Morecambe and Wise,
16:15set up a world
16:16of their own comedy
16:17and said,
16:18you can come in
16:18if you want to
16:19but otherwise,
16:20we don't need you
16:20and you had to go
16:21into their world
16:22that they'd invented
16:23and that was the Goons
16:25and that's, of course,
16:26the League of Gentlemen
16:27and that was Monty Python.
16:30Wonderful gift
16:30to be able to do that,
16:31to create a world
16:32of illusion,
16:33of fantasy
16:34and hypnotise
16:36your audience
16:36so that they
16:37can't do without you.
16:39Absolutely amazing
16:40to be sat there.
16:41A, to see him
16:42in the flesh
16:42but then for him
16:43to acknowledge
16:44our programme
16:44that had only
16:45very recently
16:46been on the TV,
16:46it was quite new
16:47in 2003
16:48and for him to think,
16:49I couldn't believe
16:50he'd seen it
16:51and was referencing it
16:52in the same sphere
16:54as the Goons,
16:55you know,
16:55it was a real honour
16:56to have him
16:57acknowledge it like that,
16:59you know,
16:59it was fantastic.
17:00It sort of validated
17:00our version
17:02of the way
17:02we package our comedy.
17:03Of course,
17:04it wasn't what he did
17:05but it was lovely
17:07for him to notice,
17:07you know.
17:08When the Goons
17:09were hot on radio,
17:10every child
17:11was imitating them
17:12but so was every teacher.
17:14So was every blue stocking,
17:15every don.
17:16It was amazing.
17:18So was Prince Charles.
17:19You know,
17:20what do you want
17:20for a comedy infection
17:22greater than that?
17:23Just marvellous.
17:25So I'm going to talk
17:25a little bit,
17:26if you'll stay with me,
17:27about some of the
17:28great comedians
17:30of my generation
17:32and the generation before.
17:33But I grew up
17:34with a lot of them.
17:35It segued into
17:36something totally unexpected
17:38which was him
17:39not reminiscing
17:41but explaining
17:42his relationship
17:43with a lot of
17:44very famous people.
17:46People say,
17:47well,
17:47Benny Hill
17:47was a terrible gag writer.
17:49He didn't write gags,
17:50he remembered jokes.
17:51He was a really smart looking guy
17:53with his thick wavy hair
17:55and he really had
17:56a lovely face
17:56and the girls
17:58really loved him.
17:59And we were,
17:59he said,
17:59oh,
18:00we're in the West End together,
18:01he said,
18:01because he still had
18:02this West Country sound.
18:03We're going to open
18:04in the West End.
18:04We're going to be a smash hit.
18:05Well,
18:06it was Westbourne Grove.
18:07It wasn't exactly
18:07the West End.
18:08We were in a review
18:09called Spotlight
18:10at the Rudolf Steiner Theatre
18:12on November the 7th, 1947
18:15and we did three nights
18:16and the agents
18:17came in to watch us.
18:19And Benny was awful.
18:20He had this terrible spot
18:21which was really embarrassing
18:23because he hated
18:23being himself.
18:25He really hated
18:25talking in his own voice.
18:26So he used to rock
18:29from side to side
18:29and talk like that
18:30and try to be posh
18:31and he had a red tie
18:33so if a gag died
18:34it could go,
18:35oh,
18:35thought my tongue
18:35was hanging out.
18:39Which as an insurance line
18:41loses something,
18:42I think,
18:42over the years.
18:45And he just
18:46hadn't over
18:47and came up
18:48with such fertile ideas
18:50for doing something
18:51on television
18:51no one had ever done before,
18:52split screen,
18:53all kinds of notions
18:54that he could use
18:55that were televisual
18:55that he just left me behind.
18:57I mean,
18:57we used to have a thing
18:59of being rivals on TV.
19:00I'd make jokes about him
19:01and he'd call Benny Hell
19:02or Belly Hill
19:03or whatever
19:03and he'd say
19:04Boob Monkhouse
19:04or Bob Monkhouse
19:05but pretty soon
19:06we dropped that
19:07because he was just
19:07going to be so big.
19:09I could see he was going to be big.
19:10He was only,
19:10he was carrying me
19:11if he did those jokes about me
19:12so he dropped doing it
19:14and I understood.
19:15You could never get to know Benny.
19:17You could know him
19:19and he was a dear,
19:19good friend
19:20and generous
19:20and kind
19:21in that he would go around
19:22his cast
19:23with a little
19:24plastic bag
19:25hanging out
19:25oranges and apples
19:26to the girls
19:27and he didn't ask
19:30much of life.
19:31I mean,
19:31the checks used to come in
19:33from the office
19:34of Richard Stone
19:34and he would put them
19:35behind a plaster devil
19:36that he kept
19:36on the mantelpiece
19:37and when it looked like
19:38the plaster devil
19:38was going to fall over
19:39and break,
19:40he'd send the checks in
19:40but otherwise
19:41he didn't even look at them.
19:43He didn't care about money
19:44at all.
19:45He cared about
19:45being very thrifty.
19:47All his furniture
19:48was stuff
19:48that he'd been given
19:49for opening furniture shops
19:50and he drank plonk.
19:53He watched two TV sets
19:54at the same time,
19:55both of which he got free.
19:56He used to buy
19:58tins of stuff
19:59where it was rescued
20:01from a dock
20:01where the labels
20:02had been washed off.
20:03He didn't know
20:03what it was
20:03but he could get them
20:04for a penny each.
20:05An old penny,
20:06an old 1D, yeah.
20:08And then he would
20:08open them up
20:09and he didn't know
20:09what he was going
20:10to find inside
20:10and he would make
20:11great meals out of it.
20:12He was a good cook.
20:13He had a cold water flat
20:14and made a veil.
20:14He had to crawl up
20:15five floors to get to it.
20:16He was extraordinarily
20:17parsimonious
20:18but at the same time
20:19he had a sweet,
20:20sweet nature
20:20and he would go off
20:22during his free time
20:24to two middle-aged ladies
20:25that he knew
20:26and clean their homes
20:27and do domestic work
20:29voluntarily.
20:30Now,
20:31you don't get
20:32stranger than that.
20:34It wasn't a case
20:36of him saying
20:37oh, I remember when.
20:39This was just,
20:40it was stuff
20:41that people didn't know
20:42because they hadn't
20:43seen him do this.
20:45We saw him
20:45in game show mode.
20:48You know,
20:48we didn't know about this.
20:50We didn't know
20:50he'd work with
20:51all those brilliant people.
20:52I hope you're happy
20:53with my going
20:53through these names.
20:55Peter Sellers.
20:57Peter and I
20:57were together.
20:59He was very fat
21:00and spoilt
21:02and awkward
21:03with thick,
21:04thick wavy hair
21:05and he used to
21:06play the drums
21:06and we were on the bill
21:07together at the
21:08Camberwell Palace
21:09which was a variety theatre
21:10and he did a rotten act
21:12at six minutes
21:13of drumming
21:14which numbed
21:15the audience.
21:16It was awful.
21:17He was in heaven.
21:17His eyes were glazed
21:18and then he would
21:21get up and put
21:22a notice down
21:22on the front of the stage
21:23and say,
21:23Mr Sellers is deaf.
21:24Please applaud loudly
21:25which never got a laugh
21:26because the audience
21:28would go,
21:28what does that say?
21:29You know,
21:29a dreadful thing to do
21:30and then he would say,
21:31my suit is too big.
21:32I had it made in Leeds.
21:33I'm a much bigger man there.
21:34I couldn't believe this stuff
21:35and then he did
21:37these brilliant impressions.
21:38He was a master impressionist.
21:39Wonderful voices.
21:41I did George Sanders
21:41who became
21:42grip tight,
21:42thin of the Goon Show
21:43and he did
21:44Peter Loris
21:45and Greensteed stars
21:46at the time.
21:47Brilliant George Formby
21:48who's his hero.
21:49Ah, wonderful.
21:51So I persuaded him
21:53to give up the drums.
21:53It took a week
21:54and I rewrote the jokes
21:56to make his impressions funny.
21:57I really worked hard on it.
21:59So by the end of the week
22:00or Friday,
22:00a guy called Alf Brandon
22:01who was a talent scout
22:02for Van Damme's
22:03Windmill Theatre
22:03came round to see me
22:05to book me for the windmill.
22:06Didn't like me,
22:07book bloody Peter.
22:07It was fantastic to hear
22:09about his time
22:10with Peter Sellers,
22:11early time with Peter Sellers.
22:13I was fascinated
22:13with how much he hated the mother.
22:15The thing about Peter
22:16is he was obsessed with women
22:17but there was only one woman
22:18in his life really
22:19and that was his mother,
22:20Peg,
22:20who was a brute
22:21and she was really unpleasant
22:22and ugly too.
22:24I could never believe
22:25that she,
22:25yeah, really,
22:26I'm not kidding.
22:27You took her for a walk
22:28in the woods,
22:28she'd find truffles
22:29and
22:29it was so savage
22:32it was great.
22:33So what did she do to you?
22:35I could never believe
22:36that she was an act.
22:38She used to,
22:38apparently,
22:39she used to,
22:39I don't know,
22:39long before,
22:40when Peter was a kid,
22:41she used to swim about
22:43in a tank of water
22:43on the stage
22:44in a skimpy bathing costume
22:46eating bananas.
22:48Yuck a poo.
22:49And
22:49so Peter wasn't happy
22:51with that life at all
22:52and by the time I met him,
22:55he'd been in the RAF,
22:56he's a little older than me,
22:57I had a machine,
23:01I read,
23:02I don't know,
23:02somebody told me about it
23:03or I read about it,
23:04called a Pickersgill recorder.
23:05No one had ever heard
23:06of a personal recorder
23:07but a guy called Pickersgill,
23:09engineering firm
23:10in the north somewhere,
23:11made this thing,
23:11a great heavy turntable
23:13and he put a,
23:14an aluminium disc on it
23:16covered with black wax
23:17and you put this thing on it
23:19and talked into
23:19a moving coil mic
23:20and you recorded your voice
23:21on this disc
23:23which could be playable back,
23:24not with a regular needle,
23:25with a thorn needle
23:26and I could do auditions this way
23:28so I recorded
23:29a whole lot of material,
23:30sent it to the BBC,
23:31got a couple of dates from this.
23:32Peter heard about it.
23:33Now he was a gadget man
23:34and he said,
23:35I want it,
23:36I'll pay you for it.
23:36I said,
23:37it cost me 80 quid
23:37and I had to wait
23:38six months for it
23:39because in those days
23:39you couldn't get things
23:40manufactured quickly.
23:41I'll give you 20% profit on it.
23:43What's that?
23:44100 pounds.
23:45Math's not good
23:46but I like that fat money.
23:48So he came around,
23:48his father,
23:50who Spike Milligan
23:50once described as a man
23:51who's been dead a long time
23:52but no one's interested
23:53in telling him.
23:54a musician
23:57with a charisma bypass
23:58but he was crushed
23:59by this dreadful mother
24:00peg,
24:01ooh,
24:02you know,
24:04goes in for an ugly contest
24:05and they say,
24:06no professionals.
24:07Anyway.
24:11It rains and water gushes
24:13out of her mouth,
24:13one of those jokes.
24:15So,
24:15so daddy comes around,
24:19daddy comes around,
24:19collects the machine from me,
24:21doesn't give me the money,
24:22takes the machine away.
24:24Next thing I get
24:24is a call from Peg
24:25when you're not getting
24:27that money.
24:28Excuse me.
24:29Peter's not paying you a penny.
24:30It was broken.
24:31The machine's broken.
24:32So it was fine
24:32when it left me.
24:33It's broken
24:34and we're not paying for it.
24:35Next thing I know,
24:36a guy called Dennis Mayne Wilson
24:37who's a producer
24:38at the BBC,
24:38lovely guy,
24:39says,
24:40we're getting some great discs
24:41from Peter Sellers.
24:42They're wonderful.
24:43They're being made
24:44at Strutton Ground
24:45in Jimmy Grafton's pub
24:46with Michael Benteen
24:47and Spike Milligan
24:49and Harry Seacombe
24:50and Johnny Vivian
24:51and they're making
24:52these great discs
24:52and we think we've sold it
24:54to the BBC
24:55as a radio show
24:56called Crazy People.
24:57They want to call it
24:58the goon show
24:58but at the BBC
24:59they're saying,
25:00what is this go on show?
25:01So they didn't know
25:02what it was.
25:04And I realised
25:05that the machine
25:05was still working.
25:06So I got very peevish
25:08about that
25:08and realised
25:08at that point
25:10that Peter
25:10was bonkers.
25:12It seemed to me
25:14that he was saying
25:15things that he hadn't
25:16said before
25:16or hadn't said
25:17for a long, long time
25:18when he started
25:19talking about his idols
25:21and he started
25:21talking about Peter Sellers
25:23and how much
25:24he'd helped Peter Sellers
25:26because these are all
25:27things that we didn't know.
25:28We were going to have
25:29a double wedding,
25:29him and Anne Levy
25:30and me and my first wife
25:32but Peter's terrible tempers,
25:35he used to go transparent.
25:36I mean,
25:37you could see through his skin
25:38he got so angry
25:38his eyes went crazy
25:39and he'd drum his,
25:40he'd fall down
25:41and drum his heels
25:42on the floor
25:42and you know the story
25:44about B.E.
25:45I'm sure.
25:46He fell completely
25:48for a charlatan
25:48a guy who said
25:50he was a clairvoyant
25:51called Maurice Woodruff,
25:52a total phony
25:53and Peter wouldn't do anything
25:55unless Maurice Woodruff
25:56said that's okay to do.
25:57Well, Woodruff
25:58got in cohorts
25:59with Peter's agent,
26:00lovely man
26:01called Dennis Selinger
26:01but whenever Dennis
26:02wanted Peter
26:03to do a date
26:04or a show
26:04or a film
26:05he'd call Maurice Woodruff
26:06and say,
26:07tell him to do this
26:08and Woodruff
26:10would do it.
26:10He'd say,
26:11oh,
26:11just had a tremendous
26:13message through.
26:14There's somebody
26:15with the initials B.E.
26:16Whatever B.E.
26:17says,
26:17do it.
26:18He meant Blake Edwards
26:19and Blake Edwards
26:20had a movie
26:20that he wanted Peter
26:21to make
26:22and he'd done the deal
26:23with Dennis Selinger.
26:24Now in the week
26:25between meeting
26:25Blake Edwards
26:26Peter runs into
26:27Britt Eklund.
26:30Marries her
26:31goes off
26:33on a honeymoon
26:35with amyl nitrate.
26:36That was the first
26:36of his major heart attacks.
26:38He died at the age
26:38of 54.
26:39He must have had
26:40sevens heart attacks
26:41and he was eight
26:41times dead
26:43clinically on the table.
26:45And this is,
26:45I'm talking about
26:46heroes of mine.
26:47I felt that
26:48the more
26:49he talked
26:50about other people
26:52and a little bit
26:53out of school stories,
26:55somehow,
26:56because it's him,
26:57there's cheekiness
26:58and a charm with him
26:59that you can get away
27:00with it.
27:01And there was,
27:02I think,
27:02a moment probably
27:03everybody was like,
27:04hang on,
27:06this has changed,
27:06this is different,
27:07this is not the,
27:08we were waiting
27:08for all the gags
27:09that were going to come
27:10and it wasn't like that.
27:12I know Peter Sellers
27:13was a genius.
27:15The trouble with genius
27:16is you call a comedian
27:17a genius,
27:18you're implying he's mad.
27:20Peter was mad.
27:23Dickie Henderson wasn't.
27:26He was the most practical
27:26pro I've ever met
27:27in my life.
27:28His dad was a good comic.
27:30His dad used to come
27:31into the wings,
27:32hang a bowler hat
27:33on a nail,
27:34walk on stage,
27:35do 20 minutes,
27:36walk off,
27:36that was it.
27:37Do that twice nightly.
27:38That's a living.
27:39Dickie grew up
27:40in the shadow
27:41of his father.
27:42That's what you do.
27:44It's not inspiration,
27:45I'm not looking
27:45to be a major sensation.
27:47I'll do what my dad does.
27:49That's what they want.
27:50I'll slice them off
27:50that much sausage
27:51and tomorrow night
27:52that much sausage again.
27:55Now Dickie and I
27:55did a series called
27:56I'm Bob, He's Dickie.
27:57Big, spectacular,
27:59six big one hours
28:00for ATV.
28:01And I must have
28:02gone mad
28:03because I said to Dickie,
28:05whom I loved,
28:07you know,
28:08when I do a television show,
28:10I get about 50%
28:11of the available audience.
28:13And when you do a show,
28:14you get about 50%
28:16of the available audience.
28:17So if we do a show together,
28:19we should get 100%
28:20of the available audience.
28:22And Dickie said,
28:23dream your dream.
28:25If we get 100%
28:26of the available audience,
28:28you can buy me
28:29a very large gin and tonic
28:31or I'll buy you
28:32an even bigger one.
28:34Now we do the shows.
28:36The ratings come in.
28:37They are invisible
28:38to the naked eye.
28:41They're under the underfelt.
28:43We are a disaster.
28:46And I said,
28:46we're getting zero here.
28:48And Dickie said,
28:49understand this, Bob.
28:50Half the available audience
28:52hates you.
28:52The other half hates me.
29:02The bar is this way.
29:04We should have been cherishing
29:06all the time we had with him,
29:07even whatever he was doing.
29:09A little bit like Les Dawson
29:10on Blankety Blank,
29:11same thing.
29:12And he, yeah,
29:14he'd done so much
29:15and so much writing
29:16for a prolific writer of gags
29:19for so many other comedians.
29:20That was a fascinating
29:21early life that he had.
29:22Constant, like Barry Cry,
29:24you know, working for
29:24and writing for everybody.
29:26And when he talks about,
29:27you know,
29:27whimsically throws in
29:28his time with Tommy Cooper.
29:30It's incredible to think
29:31of the greats
29:32that he's just been around
29:33and absorbed from.
29:35I was asked about Tommy Cooper.
29:37In 1950,
29:37I'm in a show called
29:38Sauce Piquant
29:39at the Cambridge Theatre in London.
29:40And it's a weird show.
29:41It ran three and a half hours.
29:43Had to be chopped.
29:44Norman Wisdom was the surprise
29:45hit of the show.
29:46He had 19 entrances
29:47which were then cut to three
29:48which he bitterly remembers now.
29:50He's a very angry man
29:52still about that.
29:53Jesus, he's angry.
29:56And in that show
29:57came Tommy Cooper
29:58who'd been a big success
30:00at the windmill.
30:01And he came to the show.
30:02And I first met him,
30:03he was about six foot six.
30:04He'd come out of the guards.
30:05Huge man.
30:06And he was bare to the waist.
30:08He had his shirt off.
30:09And he's in this crowded dressing room
30:10with me and Wisdom.
30:11He gives me a stick of Leichner,
30:13dark makeup.
30:14And he said,
30:14do me a favour.
30:15I'll write B-A-C-K
30:17across my shoulder blades.
30:19So I write B-A-C-K
30:21across his shoulder blades
30:22and he puts his shirt on saying,
30:23oh, that's the end of the confusion.
30:27So I have met a lunatic.
30:29We were in London once,
30:32Tom and I.
30:33And I was,
30:34Euston station,
30:35I was going to get a taxi
30:36and he said,
30:36oh, you don't bother with that.
30:37Get on the tube.
30:39I said, well, you know,
30:39people recognise you, Tom.
30:42And they might clock me
30:43and that could be,
30:44you know,
30:44a bit of a nuisance.
30:45He said,
30:45oh, we're not in London.
30:47And he was quite right.
30:48Because if you do that
30:49in Birmingham
30:50or Manchester
30:50or Carlisle
30:51people are going to clock you.
30:52But in London
30:53they ignore you.
30:54I never understood this.
30:55So we went on the tube
30:56and we're sitting there
30:58chatting.
30:59on the underground
31:00and this beggar came on.
31:02Disgusting looking man.
31:04Filthy, dirty, horrible man.
31:06With an awful mongrel
31:07under his arm going,
31:08grrrr.
31:09I mean, really a revolting son.
31:11And, uh, uh,
31:12need food or something
31:14around his neck
31:15on a horrible notice.
31:16And he's going along
31:18the underground
31:18and he's picking up
31:19money from people
31:20with a dog.
31:23And he gets to us
31:24and Tommy's talking to me
31:25about something
31:25quite important.
31:26Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
31:27And he looks up
31:28and this guy says,
31:29I'm starving.
31:31And Tommy said,
31:32eat your fucking dog.
31:42I never admired him more.
31:44It was rendered
31:46more poignant
31:48by the fact
31:48that we knew
31:48he was,
31:49he was ill
31:50without a doubt.
31:51We knew
31:52it was unlikely
31:53that this time
31:55the following year
31:55he'd still be with us.
31:56even though he touched on it,
31:59I don't think it was,
32:01I don't think it was,
32:04it was delivered
32:05or taken
32:06with great sadness.
32:08We were all
32:09just enjoying
32:11this little pocket
32:12of time
32:12in this tiny room
32:14with this legend.
32:15One or two people
32:16have been kind enough
32:17to ask about my health,
32:18which I greatly appreciate.
32:19I'm all right.
32:20Um, a couple of years ago,
32:21I found my visits
32:23to the loo
32:23in a seated position
32:25were becoming
32:25less and less productive.
32:27And so,
32:27I thought,
32:29this is not just
32:30a good old constipation,
32:31which is fun, fun, fun.
32:33But,
32:33um,
32:34it's worse than that.
32:36So they said,
32:36well, yeah, yeah,
32:37you got,
32:38oh,
32:38some kind of virus
32:39in the muscle
32:40and then you've got,
32:40um,
32:42some kind of arthritis.
32:44And then,
32:45it got worse.
32:46So they took me
32:46into, um,
32:48uh,
32:48the Princess Grace Hospital
32:50in London,
32:50in the Eastern Road.
32:52Uh,
32:52to give me an enema.
32:53And it didn't work.
32:54So they took me
32:54in Princess Grace again
32:55and it didn't work.
32:57I was in Princess Grace
32:58more frequently
32:59than Prince Rainiak
33:00ever was.
33:04And eventually
33:05they gave me
33:06a depth bomb
33:07called Pickalax,
33:08which,
33:09uh,
33:10with which they tried
33:10to raise the Titanic,
33:12I have to say.
33:13Uh,
33:13and I took this
33:14damn Pickalax
33:15and they said
33:15it'll work in,
33:16uh,
33:17exactly 60 minutes.
33:19Nothing happened
33:20for about 12 hours.
33:21And then I gave birth
33:22to the,
33:22the Mississippi Delta
33:23and did so
33:26the following night
33:26and there was
33:26a great mass of clay
33:28that was within me.
33:29It was called,
33:30this is a,
33:30I don't know how many
33:31of you know this,
33:32it's called,
33:32they said,
33:33are you familiar
33:33with the phrase
33:34fecal impaction?
33:36And I said,
33:36yeah,
33:36I saw it,
33:36Michael Douglas,
33:37Glenn Close.
33:42But it's,
33:42it's a buildup
33:43of,
33:43uh,
33:43waste matter
33:44that won't come out of you.
33:45So it came out of me
33:46and now I thought,
33:47that's it,
33:47I'm better now.
33:48No,
33:48I wasn't,
33:49I was trembling
33:49and in great pain.
33:51So they,
33:51somebody accidentally
33:52took my PSA measure,
33:54which is the measure
33:54of cancer in the blood,
33:55uh,
33:56PSA,
33:56prostate-specific antigens,
33:57and they found,
33:58well normally,
33:59uh,
33:59I'm sure for every guy here,
34:01uh,
34:01and it's a male thing,
34:03um,
34:03you'd be like two,
34:04between two and ten.
34:06Ten would be not so hot.
34:07Twelve is bad.
34:08I was 606.
34:10So they said,
34:11well,
34:11you know,
34:11you're dying of cancer.
34:13Oh wow.
34:13So you ask the inevitable question,
34:15how long have I got?
34:16And the oncologist said,
34:18ten.
34:19And I said,
34:19ten months,
34:20ten weeks?
34:20And he said,
34:20nine.
34:21And I thought that's a brilliantly,
34:30a brilliantly dark joke.
34:33It was lovely to hear,
34:33I'm all right now,
34:34you know,
34:34I'm fine.
34:35And it was,
34:35it was,
34:36and that,
34:36it sort of set you at ease.
34:38But you were,
34:39you were fully aware that he'd been,
34:40he'd had a tussle with it,
34:42you know,
34:43and it was,
34:43you know,
34:43it's a horrible thing to have to even be making jokes about.
34:46I'm still alive.
34:47This is two years later nearly,
34:48and,
34:49and it's working fine.
34:50So I'm,
34:51and I'm all right,
34:51you know,
34:52I walk a little stiffly,
34:53but you know,
34:54you do it,
34:54I'm 75 for Christ's sake.
34:56So,
34:56of course you're going to be a little awkward.
34:58But it's not,
34:58I mean,
34:59I will live as long as I can possibly live,
35:01and the medication is working.
35:02So that takes care of that,
35:03that particular problem.
35:05Now,
35:06I've never lost my admiration for this man,
35:09and I've never lost my regret,
35:11as I'm sure you have never lost your regret,
35:14that he withdrew from show business as a professional
35:16on the scale on which he originally performed.
35:20It's a genuine privilege to me
35:21that he's come along at my invitation,
35:24because he very seldom appears in public anymore.
35:27And I'm so delighted that he wants to talk to me in front of you.
35:31Ladies and gentlemen,
35:31would you welcome one of my heroes,
35:34Mike Yarwood.
35:36I feel like Dave Allen
36:06Oh my God
36:12Anyway
36:14So how are you Bob
36:16I'm great Mike
36:17I can't believe it's so long ago
36:19That I was playing cabaret at the Garrick Lee
36:22Garrick Lee yes
36:23And you came in the door and stood there watching me doing my act
36:26Yes
36:26Because you knew that we were together that summer season
36:30For six months
36:31Oh God yes
36:32Right into the illuminations at Blackpool
36:34That's right we opened in May
36:35And finished after the illuminations in November
36:38In 1965 on the Central Pier
36:40I still have the poster
36:42Yeah me too
36:43And you were wonderful
36:45At that time you had just
36:48Zapped
36:50The viewing audience with your impressions of Harold Wilson
36:53That no one had ever done a politician before
36:54No
36:55Well no they hadn't actually
36:56John Byrd had done it on TW3
36:58But I was doing it live
37:02Or on the road if you like
37:03And he wasn't
37:06He was just doing it on
37:07That was the week that was
37:08But the big trick for me in those days
37:11Was step two and some
37:12Yeah
37:12But they're still
37:13I mean they're still running today
37:15So you can still do that
37:16Yeah
37:16Used to do the
37:16Satsang
37:17You dirty little man
37:21Don't put me in an arm folks home hell
37:29Please down
37:30Oh God
37:31You disgust me
37:32And people
37:36That was my big finish
37:37And Harold Wilson was sort of
37:39Tucked away somewhere else in the act
37:40And what I did with
37:42Like for instance
37:43Harold Wilson
37:43Is rather than just
37:45Say well here we go
37:46This is what Harold Wilson sounds like
37:48I think
37:48Tell me what you think
37:49I would then put in
37:51Little bits of business
37:53You know
37:53And
37:54Get into the sort of a posture
37:57Like it is
37:57I doubt if I could sit on this
37:59If I were alive
38:01Long now
38:02But
38:02And
38:04And then he'd have a laugh
38:06Oh Mary
38:10Have you heard this
38:11God
38:13Monkhouse is still working
38:14And
38:17Silliness
38:18And I never really wanted to put any
38:21They didn't need to be narrative really
38:23Just silliness
38:25I love silly humour
38:26And I thought
38:27Let's make Harold Wilson silly
38:29And let's make a lot of our characters silly
38:31Now doing comedians is different
38:33Because you've got to really do
38:34You've got to be funny
38:35Yeah
38:35Because if you're going to do Bob Monkhouse
38:37He's funny
38:38So you must
38:38Be funny
38:40Or
38:40Well you know
38:40I sat over there earlier
38:55Enraptured Bob
38:56That you're
38:57Not just a comic
38:58But a raconteur
38:59Is it a racketeer
39:02I'm not sure which
39:02But it always kills me
39:05Because you used to do
39:07Oh God
39:07Don't look
39:08Poor soul
39:08I'm dribbling
39:09Oh no
39:10Oh don't titter
39:12You know
39:15Oh
39:15You used to do impressions of me
39:17In routines that were written by David Renwick
39:20And they were so brilliant
39:21And I used to score so well with them
39:23That a week later people would say to me
39:25Saw you last week
39:25You were marvellous
39:26I'm sorry
39:26And they thought
39:28Because they couldn't remember the detail
39:29But it was you
39:30But do you know the story
39:31I'm sorry Bob
39:32No no
39:32I've got a story about Max Bygrave
39:34I was doing an impression of Bob
39:36On one of the shows
39:37And I was doing
39:38The smallest books in the world
39:40You know like
39:41Famous Jewish cricketers
39:43And
39:43Australian etiquette
39:47That kind of thing
39:48And one of them was
39:51The smallest book
39:52I was doing Bob Monkage
39:53I was doing Bob
39:54Smallest book in the world
39:55Do you know what the smallest book in the world is
39:56The wit of Max Bygraves
39:58And a couple of weeks later
40:00I was doing the Royal Variety
40:02If I may show drop
40:03And
40:04Yeah
40:06Knees dropping doesn't it
40:07So I keep doing it
40:12Just nerves
40:13And I was
40:14I'd done this
40:15The wit of Max Bygraves
40:16There's Bob
40:17Max Bygraves
40:17He came up to me
40:18In the dressing room
40:19With the Royal Variety
40:19He said
40:19Here
40:20I saw the show last week
40:22What about all this
40:24The wit of Max Bygraves
40:26The smallest book in the world
40:27I thought we were supposed to be mates
40:29I said
40:30Well
40:30I was doing Bob Monkage
40:32Max
40:33I said
40:33What the hell's that got to do with it
40:35I said
40:36Well
40:37It's the sort of joke
40:38Bob would do
40:39It's not the sort of joke
40:40I would do about you
40:41I thought I'm getting away with this
40:49He said
40:51Well I've got to hand it to you
40:52That's one hell of a get out
40:53He said
40:53What I'll do is I'll ring Monkhouse
40:56And give him a bollocking
40:57That's wonderful
41:01I have admired Mike Yarwood
41:04For as long as I can remember
41:07And to see him walk out
41:09With Bob Monkhouse
41:11Well we couldn't believe our look
41:14Mike Yarwood came out
41:15And the first couple of minutes
41:17He's out there
41:17The first thing he's doing
41:18Is more or less his act
41:19He's doing a couple of voices
41:20Or whatever
41:21Because that's his comfort zone
41:22But then when he drops that
41:25And starts to talk
41:27And about how his life is
41:30At that point
41:31Every comedian here in the audience
41:34Experiences the high
41:36Of getting the buzz
41:38Out of an audience
41:38That really
41:39That loves what they do
41:40Oh yes
41:41Don't you miss that Mike?
41:43Yes I do of course
41:44Of course I do
41:44I've heard laughter here tonight
41:47Since I came on stage
41:49And there's nothing to beat it really
41:52I think what I had to do with myself
41:55Was actually rethink
41:57What I was doing is
41:59With the show
41:59Because they finished in 1987
42:00And I started getting a little bit
42:03Not too finicky about the scripts
42:05And thinking
42:06As long as I look like the people
42:08As long as it looks good
42:09As long as I look like Reagan
42:10Or I look like Bob Monkhouse
42:12Or whoever
42:12It doesn't matter whether it's funny or not
42:15And the laugh stopped
42:18And I went out on the road
42:19And I could see the colour of
42:22The seats in the theatre
42:23Whereas at one time
42:24I could never tell you the colour of the seats
42:26Because it was packed
42:27And that went in the 80s
42:29Oh yes
42:30I was playing
42:31I went down to Bournemouth in 1984
42:33And it was 30 and 40 people in first house
42:36I didn't know that
42:37And that's what made me think Bob
42:39You know what the hell
42:39I don't want to do this
42:41I don't want to sort of hang around
42:43When I'm not as good as I was
42:46And I'm not as sharp as I was
42:48I need to take a long break
42:50At least two years anyway
42:52I thought
42:53But you see the trouble is
42:54It's like a parking space
42:55You mustn't move
42:56You can't unless you have to
42:57Because when you get back
42:58Somebody else has parked there
42:59Yes
43:00And I stayed away
43:00And then when I got back
43:01I'd been more or less replaced
43:05If you like
43:06You know
43:06It'd be very easy
43:07To take things out of context
43:09Look at Mike Yarwood's show
43:10In 1972 or something
43:12And he could do
43:13Harold Wilson and Ted
43:14Even a couple of Brian Clough
43:15And a couple of other people
43:16Probably not as well
43:17If you look back on it now
43:18As we thought at the time
43:20I don't know
43:20And it'd be very easy to dismiss it
43:22But that would be
43:23As daft as sort of
43:25Saying oh Isaac Newton
43:27Was a rubbish scientist
43:28Because not all his theories
43:29Of motion were right
43:30You know
43:30I mean
43:31At the time
43:31At the time
43:33It was
43:33With what
43:35They had to go on
43:36They were brilliant
43:38You've got to sort of
43:39See it in the context of the times
43:40And Mike Yarwood was
43:42I don't know if I'm right
43:43In saying this
43:44He was certainly the first
43:45Superstar impressionist
43:46I think
43:46On television
43:47And so he was coming
43:48From nowhere
43:49He had no one to copy
43:50Or anything
43:51It seems a daft thing
43:52To say about impressionists
43:52But I mean
43:53He had no
43:53He was just trying it himself
43:55And so
43:56It was tremendously innovative
43:59And I loved it
44:01Absolutely loved it
44:02When I was a kid
44:03But you were loading in
44:04New voices all the time
44:05Well
44:05Yeah
44:06Not that many
44:07I mean
44:07We did quite a few
44:08On my last show
44:09I did nine new characters
44:10But that was the point
44:11You see
44:12It was like
44:13We were just doing
44:14I was doing people
44:14For the sake of it
44:15Just to fill in
44:17Every show
44:18Seven shows
44:19Ten shows
44:19Plus a Christmas special
44:20And you
44:22You find yourself
44:23Then doing it
44:23For the sake of it
44:24And I don't
44:25I don't do anybody
44:27Of today's ilk
44:29Who
44:29I don't do Tony Blair
44:31I've never even tried to
44:33And
44:34So
44:36All of those new characters
44:38That we're seeing people do
44:39Now like John
44:40And others
44:41They are
44:42They're a no go area to me
44:45I don't bother
44:45I don't think I really want to do it again
44:47No I understand that
44:48What I miss is your comedy
44:51I mean the fact
44:51That the impressions
44:52Perhaps became
44:53Outdated
44:54Or less familiar
44:55Is not as important to me
44:57As the fact that you can get up
44:58When you do
44:59As you did
45:00At your daughter's wedding
45:01As you did
45:02At my
45:02This is your life
45:03And you simply ad-lib
45:04And you are brilliant
45:05You are as funny
45:06As any of the people
45:07You've ever
45:07Imitated
45:09From Eric Morecambe
45:09To Harry Worth
45:10You're just wonderfully
45:11A funny man
45:12Why can't we have that comedy
45:13From you
45:14Well it's not up to me
45:16I would certainly
45:16I'm not
45:17When I said
45:18I don't really enjoy
45:19Doing the impressions anymore
45:20I mean in the context
45:23That I did them then
45:24And that type of show
45:26Which is being done anyway now
45:27We've got Dead Ringers
45:28We've got Alistair
45:29We've got Rory Bremner
45:30And so it's
45:33For me to come back now
45:35I need to come back
45:35With something different
45:36I think
45:36Not a game show
45:38But something
45:38That might help me
45:40No I wouldn't see you
45:44Doing a game show
45:44No
45:45Where do we
45:47Where was the crunch point Mike
45:48Because we know
45:49That you've been very frank
45:51About alcoholism
45:52And you've helped a lot of people
45:53Who suffer from that disease
45:54But what was the point
45:56At which you said
45:57No I don't
45:58I can't walk out there anymore
45:59When was that
46:01When was that
46:01Because we've all
46:04Every comedian here
46:05Has faced that point
46:06I don't think I can do it tonight
46:07Yeah
46:08It was on the way
46:09In the car
46:11Going to
46:12There is a sort of
46:15Dark humour to this
46:16I got an anxiety attack
46:18In the car
46:18Being driven
46:19I wasn't driving myself
46:20To do a radio show
46:22With Dr Anthony Clare
46:23The psychiatrist's chair
46:25And I got a panic
46:26An anxiety attack
46:27Yes
46:28You please laugh
46:31Because I think
46:32It's funny as well
46:33And I said
46:35To the driver
46:35I said
46:36He'd been driving
46:37For me for years
46:38He's like a mate as well
46:39Lou I said
46:40You've got to turn round
46:42He said
46:42What's the matter
46:42I said
46:43I just feel
46:44Bloody awful
46:45I'm really like this
46:46You've got to turn round
46:48I can't do this
46:49So
46:49He turned
46:50He said
46:51Okay
46:51Lovely Welshman
46:53He said
46:53Alright boy
46:54We'll turn round
46:54And we went back
46:55And as soon as we started
46:56To drive home
46:57I felt fine
46:58It was almost like
47:00Turn round
47:00And we'll go back again
47:01No
47:01He'll come back again
47:02But the point was
47:04That I was going to
47:06See this psychiatrist
47:07Who could have helped me
47:07Anyway
47:08And I could have
47:09Walked away
47:10Instead of a fee
47:12A prescription
47:12So
47:15That was
47:16That was really
47:17The first time
47:17I thought
47:18Hey
47:18You really
47:19You can't do this
47:20Because
47:20So many shows
47:22Got cancelled
47:22I mean
47:23There were other shows
47:24And I was so lucky
47:25Because it didn't get into
47:26Didn't get into the newspapers
47:29On most occasions
47:30He spoke about those subjects
47:31So honestly
47:32And I think
47:33The
47:34You know
47:34The warmth and grace
47:36Of being with his great friend Bob
47:37It brought out a wonderful
47:39Honesty to that
47:40To that conversation
47:41Once again
47:42We were so lucky
47:43To see that too
47:44These two men
47:45Who were
47:46On TV
47:47All your
47:48Growing up
47:49You know
47:49You were watching them
47:50That they were vulnerable
47:52And
47:54It was real life
47:55And they were sharing it
47:56With everybody
47:56And that's why the evening
47:57It turned
47:59Into
48:00Actually you could have heard
48:01A pin drop
48:02But it went very
48:02Very quiet
48:03You have made a chance
48:04To come back
48:05I mean
48:05You're John Major
48:06At the Royal Variety
48:07Performances one
48:07Well yeah
48:08But I
48:08I had throat trouble
48:10That night
48:11Plus I never did
48:12Very well anyway
48:13It looked okay
48:14It looked okay
48:14But you've also
48:15Made other attempts
48:16To overcome this
48:18Reluctance to perform
48:19You've been back
48:20In the studio
48:20A few times
48:21Oh yeah
48:22Coming here tonight
48:23When you asked me
48:24To come here
48:24I thought
48:26I don't socialise much
48:28I am a semi-recluse
48:30I don't go out
48:31That very often
48:32But I do love to go out
48:34I've got my daughters
48:34I've got my little grandson
48:35Three months old
48:36I've got all of that
48:38In my life
48:39Which is absolutely beautiful
48:40But to me
48:41This is like
48:42A lovely evening out
48:43For me
48:43And I'll get up
48:44Tomorrow morning
48:44And I'll think
48:45I went out last night
48:46And I'll tell my kids
48:47I'll say
48:47I went out last night
48:48Oh where did you go
48:48I went and recorded
48:50An interview with Bob Monk
48:51Because I don't go out
48:53Just sort of
48:54I don't go to pubs anymore
48:55So you know
48:57This is a lovely way
48:58To spend an evening Bob
48:59So it is a quiet life
49:00Oh
49:00I don't see any better note
49:14On which to conclude this Mike
49:15I think that's wonderful
49:16That you speak with contentment
49:18Yes
49:19And it's wonderful to see
49:20Yes
49:21And a great many of us
49:22Myself included I guess
49:24Go on seeking
49:26Some kind of
49:27Other contentment
49:29As a performer
49:29You've found an answer
49:31Are you happy Mike?
49:33Yes I'm very happy
49:34And it's not
49:36Particularly good money
49:37For this show
49:38But I'm happy
49:38LAUGHTER
49:39APPLAUSE
49:41Ladies and gentlemen
49:48My grateful thanks
49:49To my dear friend
49:50And great hero
49:52Mark Yarwood
49:53Thank you Mark
50:05That was really from the heart
50:17If there's any questions
50:19That anyone wants to ask
50:20That might produce a productive answer
50:22Of any kind from me
50:22I'd be happy to try it
50:24Oh I see a hand up
50:26Thank you
50:26Are there any tricks of the trade
50:27You're prepared to share with us
50:28Oh yeah
50:29I learned from so many people
50:31Who preceded me
50:32With tricks of the trade
50:33There were tricks
50:34I still use them
50:36You absorb them
50:38Not through imitation
50:38Though that's perfectly legitimate
50:40You see something that works
50:42You go wow that works
50:43So you
50:43Somehow the next night
50:45You're doing it
50:45Arthur Askey
50:47That tiny wonderful comedian
50:48That I first saw in 1937
50:50When I was what
50:52Nine years old
50:53Eight years old
50:53I saw him do things
50:55That I never forgot
50:56So that when he
50:58If he had a gag
50:59And you know this happens
51:00To every comedian
51:00You've got a piece of material
51:02You know it's worth applause
51:03But that crowd is not going to applaud it
51:05Because they're not yet ready
51:06They're not hot enough
51:07So Arthur used to do
51:08A check step back
51:09As if he was leaving
51:10Just psychologically
51:12He wasn't really leaving
51:12Nobody thought that
51:13But he'd do a check step back
51:14And he'd clap
51:15And the clap
51:16That sound would start
51:18Someone else going
51:18And that would multiply
51:20And he'd get a round of applause
51:22On that guy
51:22Just through the technique
51:24Of the moving back
51:25And a ha ha
51:26You know
51:26The little triumphant laugh
51:28That's Arthur
51:28Has your
51:30Has your sharp suited
51:32Smooth image
51:33Which ever hindered the comedy
51:33I wanted to be Bob Hope
51:35Really
51:36Who's left us
51:37At the age of 102 months
51:40I want
51:40He was
51:41He was my role model
51:42I thought
51:43That's slick
51:43That's smart
51:44But he runs himself down
51:45He comes out looking
51:47Smooth and sharp
51:48But then he tells the crowd
51:50That he's not good with women
51:52He's cowardly
51:52And he's cheap
51:53The men relax
51:55The women don't believe the lie
51:56They go along with the illusion
51:59So I always thought
52:00That right from the start
52:02I should wear a good suit
52:03Good tie
52:04Good
52:04Pay the audience
52:06That compliment
52:07Because I hadn't anything else
52:08To offer
52:08You can see that model
52:10There is an element of Bob Hope
52:11To him
52:12I mean even in his
52:13Sort of flirting
52:14With his film career
52:15As well
52:15Which is fascinating
52:16To see some of his
52:16Film appearances
52:17He's really good
52:18Sir
52:19Hecklers
52:22So somebody starts heckling you
52:25Sometimes they can be deadly
52:27Frank Skinner had one of the greatest
52:29You probably know it
52:30He was taking one of those
52:32Tremendous pauses
52:33That Frank takes
52:34In some club in Rugeley
52:36There's a blind guy
52:38In the front row
52:38With a guide dog
52:40And a white stick
52:41And the guy
52:43Frank's pause
52:44And the guy says
52:45Fuck off
52:46You're not funny
52:47Fuck off
52:47And Frank stands there
52:50There's a long silence
52:51And the guy says
52:52Has he fucked off?
52:59Roy Castle had a great one
53:00He was playing
53:01Friday night
53:02At the Dudley Hippodrome
53:03Which was dire
53:04And you had about
53:0515 people in
53:06If you were lucky
53:07And the guy up
53:08On one side of the balcony
53:09Goes
53:09Could somebody switch
53:11The lower turf place
53:13I'd like to have a doze
53:15The boy stands there silently
53:18And a man on the other side
53:19Goes
53:19Don't do that
53:20I don't want bloody reading
53:21But Paul Daniels
53:26Has the greatest story
53:28In fact
53:28May risk boring you
53:29He's playing
53:30La Ronde Billingham
53:31Ha ha ha ha
53:34You remember that
53:34Bloody date
53:35And he comes out to a
53:38The whole place
53:39Has been bought out
53:40By a private society
53:41And Paul's coming on
53:43You know
53:44I'm on in five minutes
53:45And the guy
53:47Who's the
53:47Secretary for the club
53:49Goes out
53:50And his cheeks are wet
53:51He says
53:52Ladies and gentlemen
53:53I have to tell you
53:54That Big Bill
53:56Big Bill Campbell
53:57Our chairman
54:00On his way tonight
54:03He's suffering
54:04A fatal heart attack
54:06I love Big Bill
54:09But he's gone
54:10He's dead
54:13And I'm sorry
54:16Ricky
54:16Oh you're crying
54:17Oh God
54:18Strong men were weeping
54:20Women had fainted
54:22The man was adored
54:23By all 500 people
54:25They're just in pieces
54:26Oh
54:27A couple of minutes
54:29Of silence
54:30Big Bill
54:32All right
54:40Now here's your entertainment
54:41Pull down
54:41Wait there's more
54:48Paul walks out
54:50And the god of comedy
54:52Must have leaned down
54:52For the clouds
54:53And just touched him
54:54On the head
54:54Paul walks out
54:56And he says
54:57Ladies and gentlemen
54:58I've no desire
55:00To entertain you
55:00Tonight whatsoever
55:01And I'm sure
55:02You've no desire
55:03To hear me entertain you
55:04But it's a question
55:06Of just being brave
55:07Isn't it
55:08And ladies and gentlemen
55:09I'm going to entertain you
55:10But I'll tell you why
55:11Because Big Bill
55:14This one's for you
55:16Bob's respect for other comedians
55:24Is his legacy now
55:26That all of us who liked him
55:28Have spent so much time
55:30Telling people
55:30How much he liked us
55:31And how much he helped us
55:32That by osmosis
55:34People who don't know him
55:35Now know that Bob
55:36Was one of us
55:37Technically
55:38And if Bob
55:39Had been 30 years younger
55:40He would have been
55:42At the Comedy Store
55:42Rather than Blazers
55:44In Windsor
55:45At the time
55:45Where a lot of
55:46Other comics
55:47Would be disparaging
55:49Against young comedians
55:50He was very very welcoming
55:52And stuff
55:52And would learn from us
55:54The same way
55:55That we learned from him
55:56He actually is actively
55:57Interested in what new
55:58Funny people are doing
55:59And likes it
56:00I on the other hand
56:01Try to keep the door
56:03Well and surely shut
56:04From
56:05I don't want to
56:05I'm sort of
56:06Terrified of seeing
56:07Anybody better than me
56:08So I'd just look away
56:09But it's lovely
56:10That some people
56:11Are so open
56:13And kind hearted
56:14As to do the other
56:15There's a real sense
56:17Of privilege
56:17At being invited
56:18Because the people
56:19He invited
56:20Were comics like me
56:21That were good comics
56:23And at a certain level
56:24But none of us
56:25Were A-list stars
56:26None of us
56:27Were superstars
56:28None of us
56:28Were Billy Connolly
56:29You know
56:30David Walliams
56:31Wasn't David Walliams
56:31Then
56:32When I see any comic
56:33In a suit
56:33I think of
56:34Bob Monkhouse first
56:35Because that
56:36To me
56:36Even John Bishop
56:37I think
56:38There's an element
56:38Of just
56:38The immaculateness
56:40Of John
56:40And I think
56:41There's something
56:41In that delivery
56:43It's just very
56:44I mean
56:44Yes he's a completely
56:45Different cause
56:45But in a weird way
56:46I feel like
56:46There's an element
56:47Of the neatness
56:48And the slickness
56:49And the sort of
56:50Easy manner
56:51That I think
56:51Does
56:52You know
56:53You wouldn't be doing
56:54You wouldn't be doing
56:54About if you were taking
56:55From Bob Monkhouse
56:56As part of your stand-up
56:58You've been a wonderful audience
57:00Thank you very much
57:01For coming here tonight
57:02The affection
57:03And respect
57:04You've shown Mike
57:05Has lifted my heart
57:07Thank you very much
57:08God bless you all
57:10Thank you
57:19I think when I heard
57:41That Bob Monkhouse
57:44Had died
57:44I think it was
57:45December time
57:46That was a surprise
57:49Because he did
57:50Almost give
57:51A suggestion
57:52That the drugs
57:52Were working
57:53Hey it's been
57:54A couple of years
57:54I'm okay
57:55You know
57:55I'm going to get
57:56Through it
57:57I don't
57:57Not so much
57:58I'm going to get
57:58Through it
57:59But you know
57:59And I was surprised
58:01It was so soon
58:02But then of course
58:02I thought about it
58:04For a minute
58:04And no
58:05I wasn't surprised
58:06In the end
58:06Because of course
58:07That's exactly
58:07What he was saying
58:08All the way through it
58:09And I think that was
58:10His very last
58:12Last show
58:13And he knew it was
58:15We didn't know that
58:16Now we do
58:17Since then
58:19The night
58:19Has a sort of
58:20Assumed
58:21Legendary status
58:22It's almost become
58:23Like the Sex Pistols
58:24At the 100 club
58:25It's like
58:25The fact
58:26Not a month goes by
58:27About somebody
58:27Said to me
58:28Either I saw it
58:29On the documentary
58:30Or were you there
58:31Or tell me about the night
58:32Or why were you invited
58:32Really what did feel
58:34Like a proper
58:34Privilege even then
58:36To see him
58:36Was because
58:37This is one of the greats
58:38And it felt like that
58:39When you watched it
58:39Because it was like
58:40That's him doing jokes
58:41Not doing a game show
58:43You know
58:43And that was where
58:43We were back in
58:45The world he knew
58:46I think best
58:47He was clearly
58:48Loving it
58:49You know
58:49He was alive
58:50It was great
58:55From the news quiz
59:06To the now show
59:07And dead ringers
59:08Full on satirical fun
59:10With Friday night comedy
59:11From Radio 4
59:12Listen now
59:13On BBC Sounds
59:14To the nightный
59:27As youhouse
59:29But as you
59:29As you
59:30As you
59:32As you
59:33As you
59:34As you
59:35duas
59:35Transcription
59:35As you
59:37And as you
59:37coles
59:38As you
59:38You
59:39As you
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1:28:34
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