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The Lovers | Full Hot Movie Uncut
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00But we live in a permissive society.
00:01:10Not on this street, we don't.
00:01:12Everybody's at it.
00:01:14Not with me, they're not.
00:01:16Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
00:01:18Not this one.
00:01:20I'm the silent majority.
00:01:22It's only madness these days.
00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
00:01:27God is long.
00:01:30Jesus.
00:01:52We've never seen him in real life, though.
00:01:59Oh, he's picturing the papers.
00:02:01Oh, come on, Sandra, let's go.
00:02:03No, I don't want to.
00:02:04Oh, that's standing out here.
00:02:05It's stupid.
00:02:06But he might come in a minute.
00:02:08Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:10But that was yesterday.
00:02:11He might be here today.
00:02:12Oh, no.
00:02:12Oh, really, Dad's standing here.
00:02:14Come on.
00:02:14Come on.
00:02:14We're supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:16Oh, wait.
00:02:17Please, let's go.
00:02:22Oh, no.
00:02:23I told you so, didn't I?
00:02:25He'll be right to it now.
00:02:28I don't fancy yours.
00:02:30Which is mine?
00:02:32Any except the blonde.
00:02:34Oh, good.
00:02:36They were being stared at.
00:02:38Where?
00:02:42Don't fancy yours.
00:02:45Which is mine?
00:02:47Any.
00:02:48Except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs.
00:02:52Thanks.
00:02:54Neither do I.
00:02:56Fancy the one with the twitch.
00:03:00About as much as Mountsy-Tung's granddad, with all due respect.
00:03:04To his granddad.
00:03:06Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:08You.
00:03:10I thought we were giving sex up.
00:03:11There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:14Ignore them.
00:03:22Hi.
00:03:24Hi.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:27Hi.
00:03:28Hi.
00:03:33Peace, ma'am.
00:03:34Were you hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:37He's in Mallorca.
00:03:39Come on, then.
00:03:41May only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:44It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:46Yeah.
00:03:46Yeah.
00:03:46Yeah.
00:03:46Yeah.
00:03:46Yeah.
00:03:46Yeah.
00:03:46Yeah.
00:03:46Yeah.
00:03:46Yeah.
00:03:46Yeah.
00:03:47Yeah.
00:03:47Yeah.
00:03:48Yeah.
00:03:48Yeah.
00:03:48Yeah.
00:03:48Yeah.
00:03:49Yeah.
00:03:49Yeah.
00:03:49Yeah.
00:03:49Yeah.
00:03:49Yeah.
00:03:49Yeah.
00:03:50Yeah.
00:03:50Yeah.
00:03:51Yeah.
00:03:52Yeah.
00:03:53Yeah.
00:03:54Yeah.
00:03:55Come on.
00:03:56I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:58It's our lunch hour.
00:04:01It's ours.
00:04:02We were going for lunch.
00:04:05Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Mallorca?
00:04:11It's one place I've never been.
00:04:14Pardon?
00:04:15I'm, er, Jeffrey.
00:04:18I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:21I'm Beryl.
00:04:22I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:23I'm Beryl.
00:04:24I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:25Don't you worry.
00:04:26Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:32Every single time.
00:04:33Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:34Every single time.
00:04:35Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:39Every single time.
00:04:40Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:41Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:46Every single time.
00:04:47For that rainy weather.
00:04:48For that rainy weather.
00:04:49First you're up there on another plane, and then you're nowhere.
00:04:53And the tears are raining down.
00:04:54It's a run around.
00:04:55Love and rainy weather.
00:04:56Love and rainy weather.
00:04:57Love and rainy weather.
00:04:58Love and rainy weather.
00:04:59Love and rainy weather.
00:05:00Love and rainy weather.
00:05:02First you're up there on another plane, and then you're nowhere.
00:05:10And the tears are raining down.
00:05:15It's a run around.
00:05:20Love and rainy weather.
00:05:25You're not going twisting tonight then?
00:05:38That's the modern name for it, isn't it?
00:05:40For what?
00:05:41Cutting a rug.
00:05:44Pardon?
00:05:46Grooving Mildred, it's called grooving nowadays.
00:05:49Grooving and or phreaking.
00:05:50Right?
00:05:51What I'm not doing tonight?
00:05:52Right.
00:05:53right right on you're staying in tonight then tonight tomorrow night every night
00:06:01they might sell me overcoat life's not all pleasure you know
00:06:06mildred don't hassle the lad hustle it's a different world today mildred we had a week's
00:06:15honeymoon in blackpool for what this finney haddy cost they do their own things the usual 1300 weight
00:06:23now that's the new world that we work for and fought for full page advert for contraception
00:06:31it's his birthright
00:06:35i'm not hungry what's that supposed to mean it's the hip way cool people say i'm not hungry
00:06:53i enjoy staying in chatting of an evening
00:07:04find it fantastically enjoyable no really i really do some people don't
00:07:13i do battle please take my word for it paul mccartney's never going to ring that doorbell
00:07:18and invite you to the pictures paul mccartney who he doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever
00:07:23since our day's night and please don't say paul mccartney who i sacrifice too much for your six
00:07:28all levels
00:07:31you were terrific in the pictures i never touched you terrific self-control
00:07:37what did you say your name was
00:07:51mind you just a weekend to do with you paul not a dirty weekend a disgusting one
00:08:10night night night percy filth
00:08:24have you always been insatiable
00:08:28it's not my fault it's just that i don't like blondes
00:08:32it's it's it's psychosomatic
00:08:41i'm sorry
00:08:46ah
00:09:02oh sandra
00:09:05it is almost blonde in this light
00:09:11what's wrong
00:09:14just being brave
00:09:16what about
00:09:17ending it all
00:09:20before we hurt each other too much
00:09:23it's our first date
00:09:24i've probably wasted your entire evening haven't i
00:09:31not yet
00:09:32not if your parents aren't back till midnight
00:09:37don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing
00:09:41straight from stanley matthews to bridget bardo you went overnight
00:09:46that was when you were too young for this sort of thing
00:09:48it's artistic mother like your tut and carmen butter dish
00:10:03what got it got what you now ask if i never want to see you again i say i do
00:10:11you then stop crying quick as a flash and say something like
00:10:14how about sunday half seven outside central library no i don't
00:10:19tomorrow half seven outside central library
00:10:23then when i say okay does your zip miraculously undo it does not
00:10:29i thought it did not till you've unfastened the press stud
00:10:36i can see her doing your ironing and cooking and cleaning you wouldn't need to book for the
00:10:40christmas pantomime i don't intend to marry a mother
00:10:44in case it interferes with my career
00:10:46we're just good friends good night
00:11:02miss bardo
00:11:06marry me
00:11:06you know what they say
00:11:12once you've had a manchester lad you never touch anything else
00:11:30about time and all hi hi hi peace man
00:11:33you have a good time
00:11:37nice night
00:11:37great
00:11:38great
00:11:38did you
00:11:39satisfied
00:11:40i stayed in for a change
00:11:44did you get much
00:11:47did you
00:11:52did you know that raping princess anne was a capital offense
00:11:55not that i have done
00:11:57stayed in for a change instead
00:11:59i ain't got my ticket
00:12:18ticket i ain't got my ticket
00:12:20we're late already
00:12:23see you behind the goal then
00:12:24okay
00:12:41well tonight's beauty sleep's done nothing for her
00:12:44snooty old bag
00:12:45bag. Trendy. Crimson shoes with bottle green socks. Must be going steady with a set of
00:12:56traffic lights. Still, who else would have him? Anyway, they're all the same in the dark,
00:13:03rumour has it.
00:13:06Different girl every night. It's all the type.
00:13:15Probably an omen seeing her before the match. I bet we lose 3-1.
00:13:21Well, I'm certainly not making the first move. At least I've got me proud.
00:13:26Oh, hello.
00:13:28Oh, hi. Hi.
00:13:31Didn't see you. No, nor me.
00:13:34Are you going that way? Yeah. Not specially, no. Are you going that?
00:13:40Yeah, well, um, no. I was sort of...
00:13:44Going to the football match? Are you? Shopping.
00:13:54I'm probably going to the pitchers tonight. I am. Which?
00:13:57Which are you? Any. I am.
00:14:04I am.
00:14:07See you then. Tonight? Pardon?
00:14:10Oh, I... All right then.
00:14:12Right.
00:14:20Super socks.
00:14:25Did you see that? They're all on drugs. A lot of them.
00:14:28Oh, oh, oh, you'll see.
00:14:46How come on?
00:14:47Does this score?
00:14:48They're around good.
00:14:49They're वार्वू
00:14:54Excuse me, I...
00:15:24It is. Ah.
00:15:29Hi.
00:15:31Hello, mate.
00:15:32Oh, um, peace man.
00:15:34Surprise, surprise.
00:15:36Surprise.
00:15:36Been anywhere controversial?
00:15:38Pictures.
00:15:39The boyfriend.
00:15:40She's slim.
00:15:41I'm just going to the, um...
00:15:42Oh, I'll come with you.
00:15:46Are you and Beryl, um, you know?
00:15:51You know?
00:15:53Oh.
00:15:54Would you, uh, would you sort of reckon she's a fair sort of bird?
00:16:11Sort of.
00:16:12She's all right.
00:16:15I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:18Geoffrey, she's a bird.
00:16:20You're having a coffee with us?
00:16:25No, thanks, kid.
00:16:26Neville's rabbinous.
00:16:28You've just eaten.
00:16:31Oh, of course, yeah.
00:16:32Sorry.
00:16:35You see, what I thought Ken was always trying to do...
00:16:39By implication?
00:16:41Probably by implication.
00:16:42Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgment.
00:16:47You see?
00:16:48Yes.
00:16:51Was he the errand boy?
00:16:52Was who the errand boy?
00:16:54Ken Thingy.
00:16:55He directed it.
00:16:57Oh, yes.
00:17:00I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:17:03Probably.
00:17:03You're not like other boys at all, are you?
00:17:11Well, I'm probably a little more mature, that's all.
00:17:14It's over 200 yards from the cinema.
00:17:16And you talk to me the whole way, like a person.
00:17:19Other boys seem to have one-track minds these days.
00:17:25Sex.
00:17:26Marriage.
00:17:28Pardon?
00:17:29The number of boys that asked me to marry them.
00:17:31A couple of dates and pal, they want to get married.
00:17:35I want to live a bit before I get married.
00:17:37I suppose I just don't have a hang-up about it.
00:17:41Getting married?
00:17:42Hmm.
00:17:44No.
00:17:44Actually, I find girls, and most girls, that is, a bit obsessed these days.
00:17:55It's not marriage.
00:17:57No.
00:17:57Sex.
00:17:59Percy Phil.
00:18:03Sex.
00:18:04That's what I said.
00:18:06Oh.
00:18:07Well, I'm not like that.
00:18:10Not Percy Phil motivated?
00:18:12No.
00:18:14No.
00:18:27Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?
00:18:29Ken Russell.
00:18:30Yeah.
00:18:31No.
00:18:38This is it.
00:18:39This is it.
00:18:44I won't come in, with it being our first date.
00:18:55No.
00:18:56Oh.
00:18:57Anywhere me mum's gone to bed, we'd be on our own.
00:19:00Is that a reason for me not coming in, though?
00:19:02Yes, Geoffrey.
00:19:04Oh.
00:19:13Nice house.
00:19:1725-year mortgage.
00:19:23Well, thanks for seeing me home.
00:19:24Well, it's funny, isn't it?
00:19:29First date with someone.
00:19:31It always leads to one of three things.
00:19:35Either nothing.
00:19:37Or something.
00:19:40Or everything.
00:19:43Well, don't think about Percy Phil at this stage, Peryl.
00:19:46I'm not.
00:19:47No, I'm not.
00:19:52Night, night.
00:19:52God bless.
00:20:05I won't give you me phone number in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.
00:20:08What is it?
00:20:09Three, two, seven, double, four, two, one.
00:20:12The easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five, which is two less than seven,
00:20:16then two fours, and half of four, which is two, and half of two, which is one.
00:20:19Um.
00:20:20But you mustn't ring me if you don't want.
00:20:22No.
00:20:22But you can if you do.
00:20:24Do you want me to?
00:20:25Not if you'd rather not.
00:20:27Three, two, seven, double, four, two, one.
00:20:30Night.
00:20:39Well, hello, Mrs. Battersby.
00:21:03Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.
00:21:04Oh, the all of me past life flashed before me then.
00:21:07It can't be Mother's Day.
00:21:13You'd have forgotten.
00:21:15Has there been any clips?
00:21:17Mum, I want the benefit of your experience.
00:21:22What do you think of Andy Warhol?
00:21:24You see, Geoffrey has this theory that by implication...
00:21:27Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:28Of course, Geoffrey knows about these things.
00:21:31Oh, these things.
00:21:33Everything.
00:21:34Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:35He's fantastically intelligent.
00:21:37See, Geoffrey's idea...
00:21:39Beryl, who's Geoffrey?
00:21:42Oh, no one.
00:21:48No one's special.
00:21:53His name's Geoffrey.
00:21:54How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night, then?
00:22:02What Beryl Bird?
00:22:03I told him.
00:22:05Did she, er...
00:22:06Does she, er...
00:22:07What?
00:22:09Oh.
00:22:10Wow.
00:22:11She doesn't, then?
00:22:12You don't listen, do you?
00:22:13I said...
00:22:14How about Sandra?
00:22:17Chips.
00:22:18Chips.
00:22:19Chips?
00:22:20Just sod.
00:22:23Not seeing him tonight, then.
00:22:23Chips, jam and sod.
00:22:34Not seeing him tonight, then.
00:22:40Who?
00:22:45I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:53Said he was no one special.
00:22:58Have they got a phone here?
00:23:01Why?
00:23:03They haven't, have they?
00:23:05Do you want to get some nookie lined up or something?
00:23:08If I did, do you think I'd be playing darts with you two?
00:23:11Look, are you fed up here?
00:23:14Are you?
00:23:15We'll split after this game.
00:23:16Anything you say.
00:23:17We can go for a few at the King's Head.
00:23:19Great.
00:23:21And that ends our probe.
00:23:23Well, Monday tomorrow.
00:23:25Hallelujah.
00:23:26Pardon?
00:23:28I don't know what you're paying for that phone,
00:23:29but whatever it is, you're being done.
00:23:32Good night.
00:23:32Good morning.
00:23:47Good morning.
00:24:01Morning.
00:24:10Cholton for Pope. Long may it reign.
00:24:13Amen.
00:24:15What's going on?
00:24:16Pounds up again.
00:24:18Oh, God.
00:24:20Today's special. Bloody travelers, Jax.
00:24:23Here.
00:24:24Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.
00:24:26So does.
00:24:28Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:46Why do we always do that?
00:24:4893 times a day.
00:24:50We never see anything.
00:24:52What's going on?
00:24:53What's going on?
00:24:54Good morning.
00:24:55I'm going on holiday.
00:24:56Yes, as the sun was rising.
00:25:00My typing, not disturbing your singing, I hope.
00:25:19See Geoffrey on Sunday.
00:25:22Oh, Geoffrey.
00:25:24That medal's the greatest.
00:25:26Is he?
00:25:30Is she or is he?
00:25:32Is she?
00:25:34He never promised he's going to take this dream at you, Geoffrey.
00:25:36I'm considering packing Geoffrey in.
00:25:39One date was enough.
00:25:41Why?
00:25:43He's cancer and I'm Libra.
00:25:45Is that bad?
00:25:46Oh, plus.
00:25:49Actually, I'm slightly off the male gender at the moment.
00:25:56Five.
00:26:02Five, which is, which is, three and two is five, which is two less than seven.
00:26:08Which is, oh.
00:26:13I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza.
00:26:17Bank lot.
00:26:18Your lot.
00:26:20Football supporters.
00:26:22Hippies.
00:26:23Oh, my lot.
00:26:27At the third stroke, it will be 7.22 and 40 seconds.
00:26:35It will be 7.22 and 50 seconds.
00:26:40That's it then.
00:26:42Fate.
00:26:43All over by 7.23 precisely.
00:26:48So what?
00:26:50Plenty more where she came from.
00:26:51Is that the speaking clock?
00:26:57Is that Geoffrey?
00:26:59Is that Beryl?
00:27:00Yes.
00:27:01Yes.
00:27:02Hi.
00:27:05Hi.
00:27:05Hi.
00:27:05It's terrifically exciting, isn't it?
00:27:26Getting to know a person.
00:27:28Fantastic.
00:27:28Fantastic.
00:27:28I want to know all about you.
00:27:35That's what it's all about.
00:27:39For example, with things in common already.
00:27:42Definitely.
00:27:45About what?
00:27:49We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:52Right.
00:27:53And we're both from Manchester.
00:28:00Have you ever been abroad?
00:28:02No.
00:28:04Have you?
00:28:05No.
00:28:07Unless you count Istanbul.
00:28:09Istanbul?
00:28:10Was it beyond belief?
00:28:12I don't know.
00:28:13I was only three.
00:28:13Do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before?
00:28:22Sometimes.
00:28:24I do.
00:28:26What now?
00:28:29No.
00:28:30Just...
00:28:31Just sometimes.
00:28:34Yes, I do.
00:28:36Such a lot, isn't there?
00:28:42In getting to know a person.
00:28:44Hmm.
00:28:49He was lithe and easy-limbed.
00:28:52His stride quietly casual.
00:28:55His eyes clear and confident.
00:28:56And his strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed, assured, lopsided grin.
00:29:03You know, Geoffrey, you have a really lopsided grin.
00:29:11Really?
00:29:11You know, lopsided.
00:29:15I don't think I have.
00:29:17It's in the eye of the beholder.
00:29:21See?
00:29:23Geoffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot.
00:29:27He holds it down with his little finger.
00:29:30It must be marvellous being a man.
00:29:34It's OK, I suppose.
00:29:35Men can do anything.
00:29:37Conquer Everest.
00:29:39Do heart transplants.
00:29:40Become leader of the opposition.
00:29:44Anything!
00:29:53Geoffrey, NO spells no.
00:29:55It's good for your circulation, Beryl.
00:29:57Read any women's magazine.
00:29:59It's good for theirs, too.
00:30:01I'm not sure they recommend Percy Filth on Tuesdays.
00:30:05I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
00:30:07All Saturdays.
00:30:10Beryl.
00:30:15Beryl.
00:30:15Oh, Geoffrey, Bobble's bumble.
00:30:18Oh, Beryl.
00:30:19Oh, Geoffrey.
00:30:21Oh, Beryl!
00:30:23Are you all right?
00:30:24What exactly happened?
00:30:24Don't tell me.
00:30:26I just heard a sharp achak of dramatic irony.
00:30:28Pardon?
00:30:35Come back.
00:30:35They're better.
00:30:36It's better.
00:30:37I'm OK.
00:30:37I told you, it's going to pour.
00:30:43It's not.
00:30:48Ugh.
00:30:52It's only the angels crying.
00:30:55I know how they feel.
00:30:58Well, don't blame me.
00:30:59I haven't done anything.
00:31:00That's true.
00:31:03That's not true, Beryl.
00:31:04I have apologised.
00:31:05I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you.
00:31:09Independent observers think I'm training to be a Cossack dancer.
00:31:12It must be a bad line.
00:31:13I can't hear you.
00:31:14You'd better apologise again.
00:31:17I apologise again.
00:31:20Gosh, this lousy line.
00:31:23I wonder if Geoffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday.
00:31:29Pardon?
00:31:30Pardon?
00:31:32Is that who I think it is?
00:31:34No, dear.
00:31:35Well, isn't this nice?
00:31:51Sardine sandwich.
00:31:53Is it all sardine?
00:31:54Yeah.
00:31:56She's got her own trawler.
00:31:57Isn't it awful?
00:32:05What?
00:32:06I was speaking to Geoffrey.
00:32:08What's happening in the world?
00:32:09I blame the politicians.
00:32:11What for?
00:32:12For what's happening in the world.
00:32:17Talk to her.
00:32:19I can't speak Portuguese.
00:32:22I can't speak Portuguese.
00:32:23Tasty.
00:32:26Very in oil.
00:32:27Nice in oil.
00:32:28She's got a bad leg.
00:32:32The bread's extremely wholesome.
00:32:34Why, after this little baker down the road, he does something with the bleach.
00:32:37I can't do long conversations about sardines, so much as your mind goes blank.
00:32:54Start thinking about life after death.
00:32:56Oh, that Neville, honestly.
00:33:04Number of hearts he must have broken.
00:33:06Every girl in Manchester, nearly.
00:33:09Geoffrey definitely has.
00:33:11Probably even more.
00:33:14Air hostesses.
00:33:16All sorts.
00:33:18Tell me about your terrible past, Geoffrey.
00:33:20I haven't had one yet.
00:33:22White men speak with forked tongue.
00:33:25Actually, I was hoping more for a terrible future.
00:33:33Wow, is that the time?
00:33:34At this moment in time.
00:33:36What have I done?
00:33:37Is Neville the insanely jealous type?
00:33:40Right in the slightest.
00:33:42You're lucky.
00:33:43Why, it's Geoffrey.
00:33:46Wow.
00:33:47You're not jealous of all my ex-flames, are you?
00:33:49Of course not.
00:33:51Why should I be?
00:33:52Please stop interrogating me, Geoffrey.
00:33:53Forget it.
00:33:56That's all in the past.
00:33:59Then, nothing to be jealous about.
00:34:03Who needs drama?
00:34:07So I shouted back at her.
00:34:08No shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.
00:34:10In the end, Neville nearly bolted me for swearing.
00:34:14He thumped you.
00:34:16Walloped you on.
00:34:18No.
00:34:18I said nearly.
00:34:23You'll never thump me, will you?
00:34:25Like Neville does Sandra.
00:34:27She adores it.
00:34:29Of course not.
00:34:31No.
00:34:34Geoffrey, Percy Filth isn't the only thing in life.
00:34:37It isn't even one of the things in mine.
00:34:38He used to talk to me.
00:34:40All right.
00:34:41Let's talk.
00:34:41Geoffrey, I've just had the most super idea.
00:34:49Why?
00:34:49Is your mum going out?
00:34:53May as well pack in, really.
00:34:57Why?
00:34:57Why not?
00:35:03Good thinking.
00:35:10Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.
00:35:12You too.
00:35:13It was real.
00:35:14It's psychedelic.
00:35:15You can keep me grateful dead, LP.
00:35:17It was scratched anyway.
00:35:20It's been a gasp.
00:35:21Groovy.
00:35:23I won't wave from the window.
00:35:25No, I won't look back anyway.
00:35:27Good.
00:35:28It's been a gasp.
00:35:29You've said that once.
00:35:40You're well-readed, Beryl.
00:35:42There's plenty more fish in the sea.
00:35:45About three very lonely sardines.
00:35:51Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me.
00:35:53You know you can't do it.
00:35:59You'll never thund me, will you, Geoffrey?
00:36:03Ow!
00:36:04Beryl, I've just had the most super idea.
00:36:07Are we going to put it up?
00:36:08No.
00:36:09We're going to pack it in.
00:36:10Don't say that.
00:36:11Please don't say that.
00:36:12That.
00:36:15Sandra.
00:36:17Sandra.
00:36:18Your Sandra?
00:36:19Mine.
00:36:23Two months.
00:36:24Two months, nine days.
00:36:28Is she positive?
00:36:29The test was.
00:36:31What are you going to do?
00:36:33She'll think of something.
00:36:35Sandra, it's stupendous.
00:36:39Congratulations.
00:36:40I hope you'll both be very happy.
00:36:42Oh, thanks, kid.
00:36:44Sandra, I don't know how you do it.
00:36:48Often.
00:36:48I don't know how you do it.
00:37:08I don't know.
00:37:08Let's go.
00:37:38John for Pope, Longmare Reign.
00:37:50Aren't you, er...
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:55And you're, er...
00:37:57That's right.
00:37:59Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:00I'm meeting me parents.
00:38:02Taking them to see Fiddler on the roof.
00:38:04That's pretty incredible.
00:38:06Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:08Er...
00:38:09Oh, hell no, that's tomorrow.
00:38:13If I'm in the mood.
00:38:16Where you are.
00:38:18Depends where you take me.
00:38:30All I was saying about your friend with the glasses...
00:38:33Roland.
00:38:34Roland.
00:38:34Is that I found him intellectually unaware and psychologically incredibly...
00:38:38boring.
00:38:39It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:43And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:46Didn't she tell you?
00:38:47I don't work there anymore.
00:38:50I packed her in.
00:38:50Did she turn you on?
00:39:00Beryl?
00:39:01Beryl?
00:39:01Beryl.
00:39:02I hadn't really looked.
00:39:07You've seen one.
00:39:08You've seen one.
00:39:10You've seen them all.
00:39:13Not quite all.
00:39:15I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:16It must be my birthday.
00:39:28Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:31Oh, I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:32I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:37They aren't all after Percy, Philz.
00:39:40Yes, they are.
00:39:42Mmm.
00:39:42Oh, you were terrific all of us.
00:39:46Was I?
00:39:47Mmm.
00:39:48Terrific self-control.
00:39:51Joan of Arc never married, yet she led a full and happy life.
00:39:57Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:59Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:40:02I happen to be interested in having early nights and writing poetry in bed with me Moe
00:40:05felt-tip pen.
00:40:06It's run out of ink.
00:40:07I used it for me laundry list.
00:40:10My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:13Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm, please.
00:40:16Mmm, don't.
00:40:18Please.
00:40:19You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:23Well, let's go inside, then.
00:40:25Mmm.
00:40:26Oh, smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:33It is me birthday.
00:40:37What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:40I don't believe that question.
00:40:42You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:45I was 11 years old.
00:40:47He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:49Hmm.
00:41:11Hmm.
00:41:12Hmm.
00:41:12what's your name again what's yours rock that's not your real name no Stephen
00:41:27God that turns me on
00:41:31when I first met in the street I thought just a quiet drink and a chat
00:41:42shows you the art of conversation ain't dead
00:41:45don't move a muscle however gorgeous
00:42:12testing testing Jeffrey Milleup returns to the day
00:42:23I wish you everything you've ever wished yourself
00:42:25I'm fed up
00:42:43who are you
00:42:46who are you
00:42:47what are you fed up about
00:42:50teachers don't have to do homework
00:42:53no
00:42:55they just mark it
00:42:56anyone can mark it
00:42:59they've got the answers
00:43:00do you know it's after two o'clock
00:43:08what's he doing here then
00:43:09well
00:43:12this is your uncle Stephen
00:43:15this is my revolting brother Jeremy
00:43:19how do you do
00:43:23don't me mum and dad know he's here
00:43:25Jeremy bed
00:43:26I could always wake them up and tell them
00:43:28Jeremy
00:43:29little boys need sleep
00:43:33even big astronauts
00:43:36do you know where babies come from
00:43:39do you
00:43:42say no
00:43:44no
00:43:44I do
00:43:45say yes
00:43:46shall I tell you
00:43:47he knows
00:43:48the man has this male organ
00:43:50and some blood cells
00:43:52and erectile glands
00:43:53and there's these 500 million spermatozoas
00:43:56in these testes
00:43:57that he has as well
00:43:58and they go through his male organ
00:44:00into the female uterus
00:44:01that the lady has
00:44:02who told you that
00:44:04then they go to the fallopian tubes after that
00:44:07one of them fertilizes with the female egg
00:44:09the others don't bother
00:44:11anyway that's what you have to do
00:44:13then you have a baby
00:44:15did they teach you that at school
00:44:18they do woodwork in the next class
00:44:20people can only make babies at certain times of the year
00:44:24but animals like dogs and cats
00:44:26and rats I think
00:44:28do it all the time
00:44:29no
00:44:32that's people
00:44:34what is
00:44:36well
00:44:39people do it all the time
00:44:41whenever they feel like it
00:44:46in the next class
00:44:51you can do metalwork
00:44:52if you don't like woodwork
00:44:54goodnight Jeremy
00:44:5625p
00:44:5950
00:45:0050
00:45:03goodnight uncle Stephen
00:45:14would you care for a government health warning
00:45:31hey Veronica
00:45:35yes
00:45:36who the hell's uncle Stephen
00:45:38at 10 past 2 in the morning
00:45:39a friend of Jeremy's
00:45:41he's going now
00:45:42goodnight love
00:45:45we would have done that wouldn't we
00:45:49and how
00:45:51you can't win them all can you
00:45:56anyway
00:45:57do you good going without for a change
00:45:59tomorrow's another day
00:46:07tomorrow's another day
00:46:11shh
00:46:12not unless you happen to be in Plymouth
00:46:14where
00:46:16I'm joining the Wrens for three years
00:46:18what Wrens
00:46:21the Royal Navy's Wrens
00:46:23this time tomorrow
00:46:27I'll be in barracks
00:46:28with about 50 other girls
00:46:29and 30,000 sailors
00:46:31hope I like it
00:46:32thanks for nearly everything
00:46:39we definitely would have done
00:46:42wouldn't we
00:46:42well obviously
00:46:43we're as good as dead
00:46:45in a way really
00:46:46almost
00:46:48just keep telling yourself
00:46:49and we will have
00:46:50only better
00:46:51goodnight love
00:46:53try a barrel
00:46:55morning
00:47:18previous generation
00:47:19what's for breakfast
00:47:27you knew it was your mother's birthday
00:47:33now what we'd like to know
00:47:34is where were you
00:47:35while we were fiddling
00:47:36on the flaming roof
00:47:37I'm sorry mum
00:47:38I'll take you out another night
00:47:40something cropped up
00:47:41like what
00:47:42dad
00:47:44you understand
00:47:45I don't Jeffrey
00:47:48well you always say you do
00:47:50Jeffrey
00:47:52you're at it every night
00:47:53yes dad
00:47:55and we don't complain
00:47:56no dad
00:47:56but last night was different
00:47:58I knew you'd understand
00:48:00you're at it every night
00:48:11and I knew you'd like what
00:48:17you'd like to know
00:48:19you've been out of the night
00:48:20and I just didn't like this
00:48:22and I don't know
00:48:22I was going to say you'd like this
00:48:23and I know
00:48:24I didn't like this
00:48:24and I can't
00:48:26I don't know
00:48:26but I just didn't like this
00:48:27and I don't know
00:48:28I don't know
00:48:29Charlton for Pope. Long mere reign. Amen.
00:48:33What's going on? Pound's down again. Up and down like a pair of knickers.
00:48:38You should know. Or me.
00:48:42Know what I mean? What a night.
00:48:46Wow. A lot.
00:48:50Including action replays in slow motion.
00:48:54Hey lads, I picked up a bit of spare last night. Who didn't?
00:49:00No, it's true.
00:49:02Yes, Geoffrey. It is.
00:49:05Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:12Bloody is.
00:49:15Poor Geoffrey. Beryl, please. It's Neville's engagement party as well. You had to invite him.
00:49:22He'll see me. It's cruel.
00:49:25He'll see other girls.
00:49:27I shan't take him back, Sandra.
00:49:30I shan't.
00:49:31It's been two weeks. He may have got over you by now.
00:49:35Don't know much about men, do you, love?
00:49:39It was doing him a kindness, really. Finally splitting up. He only had one ambition in life.
00:49:56Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:49:59Good job she hasn't joined the rent. The entire Navy had gone strike.
00:50:03I expect he's sorry now. I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't.
00:50:08She might have changed, of course. If she has, I might let her have the old orgy now and again.
00:50:15He's got to accept we've finally split up. Otherwise, I definitely won't take him back.
00:50:22Well, I'm certainly not making the first move. At least I've got me pride.
00:50:29I left with their old baby. Oh, hi. Didn't see you. No, nor me.
00:50:36And how's Manchester City doing without me cheering them on then?
00:50:39United. We're winning every game now.
00:50:42Oh, good.
00:50:44And what's new with Geoffrey then?
00:50:46I'll see he's here.
00:50:48Oh, you know I'm of the guys.
00:50:51He's hiding it.
00:50:53He's hiding.
00:50:55The whole team is a good guy.
00:50:58Then I'll see you next time.
00:51:00Well, you know I've changed my mind.
00:51:05Er, I asked you what was new, William.
00:51:11Did you?
00:51:17Need I say more?
00:51:20Pardon?
00:51:21And how's Beryl Baby getting on, then?
00:51:24Geoffrey, I'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me Beryl Baby.
00:51:28It isn't like you.
00:51:29Say that again. Beryl Baby.
00:51:33What's your name, handsome?
00:51:35You'll laugh. Everybody laughs.
00:51:39It's the story of my life.
00:51:41You tell it like it is, Chuck.
00:51:50She's putting on an act.
00:51:53What do you care?
00:51:55I don't have a baby.
00:52:02Is she going to get into bed with him now?
00:52:04Probably.
00:52:11Geoffrey always looks half asleep these days.
00:52:13Well, it's very exhausting.
00:52:16It is.
00:52:19Working in a bank.
00:52:20I had this bad seat, this chick, and decided to split.
00:52:33So I cut out, man, like there's no tomorrow.
00:52:37This cat gets it together where it's at, man.
00:52:44Lots of beautiful bag, baby.
00:52:47So if you want a piece of the action,
00:52:50don't cool it.
00:52:53Dig?
00:52:53I'm sorry, I know, understand English.
00:53:07Gesundheit.
00:53:09I thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one.
00:53:11She has.
00:53:13She has.
00:53:15And which is her husband?
00:53:17Neither.
00:53:22It's warming up, isn't it?
00:53:24Great beat, isn't it?
00:53:34Great to dance to.
00:53:40Do you agree that life's an onion?
00:53:41If so, what's death?
00:53:48Erm...
00:53:49A banana.
00:53:52Yes, I expect it is when you think about it.
00:53:56Have you read Schopenhauer's Concept of Existence?
00:54:01Erm...
00:54:01No.
00:54:03But I've seen the film.
00:54:05Are you married?
00:54:06No.
00:54:09Grab yourself an adage.
00:54:11Marriage is a cabbage.
00:54:14Are you a poet?
00:54:16Never ask the questions.
00:54:18Ask the answers.
00:54:19You are a poet.
00:54:22To any manager, Marks and Spencers.
00:54:26Good job.
00:54:28I really dirt you.
00:54:30Now he's taking his clothes off.
00:54:34What's on ITV?
00:54:36This.
00:54:38What's on BBC?
00:54:43Cassinova.
00:54:45What's that like?
00:54:46This.
00:54:49Oh, come on now.
00:54:50You know that's not where it's at.
00:54:52Let's get this.
00:54:54What's the word?
00:54:55Let's get it clear.
00:54:57Let's get down to the real nitty-gritty-sville, okay?
00:55:00Mm-hmm.
00:55:06Women's lip is not about burning bras.
00:55:13Papers, yeah.
00:55:15What papers?
00:55:16A marriage certificate, a dog's license, whatever you prefer to call it.
00:55:21Look, let's be basic about this, Enid.
00:55:23All girls want marriage and a wide wedding.
00:55:25Really basic.
00:55:27You want to be really basic.
00:55:29Utterly basic.
00:55:30Balls.
00:55:32Grass?
00:55:33Enid, when Sandra says every girl, she means most girls.
00:55:39Well, like herself.
00:55:41Not me, of course, because I incredibly value my independence.
00:55:44But most girls definitely want...
00:55:46Balls!
00:55:47If you can't conduct an intelligent conversation without recourse to...
00:55:51I'm not recourseing to anything.
00:55:53I'm merely telling you what girls want.
00:55:55What?
00:55:55Balls!
00:55:56Oh!
00:55:57Would you please stop saying that?
00:56:00You believe in free love, right?
00:56:02Wrong!
00:56:02I believe in free everything, freedom from all-male chauvinist, pig domination.
00:56:07Honestly, don't you understand?
00:56:09Excuse me, you've got your hand on me...
00:56:10If we're liberating society for the future, I'm sure.
00:56:12No, thank you.
00:56:13Excuse me, you've got your hand on me...
00:56:15No!
00:56:16Ah!
00:56:17Oh, sorry!
00:56:19Wow, man, sorry!
00:56:20It's all right.
00:56:21Oh, gee!
00:56:22It's a pleasure.
00:56:23Grass?
00:56:24Geoffrey, you've knocked it.
00:56:25Why not?
00:56:26I said don't.
00:56:27You're not to smoke it.
00:56:37Oh, wow.
00:56:39We're as liberated as you, Enid.
00:56:42We've equal importance as individuals.
00:56:45Neither of us is boss.
00:56:46It just doesn't arise.
00:56:48We'll make some coffee, kid.
00:56:50Yes.
00:56:50You see, what we believe is...
00:56:52You see...
00:56:56Well, one.
00:56:58I can see there's only one way to get through.
00:57:01What are you doing?
00:57:06Lighting everybody's fire.
00:57:11Burn my bra.
00:57:16Right, that's it.
00:57:18Finished.
00:57:19The end.
00:57:20Full stop.
00:57:22We've finally split up.
00:57:24Neville, Sandra wants you.
00:57:26I should imagine.
00:57:29Sad, isn't it?
00:57:33Pathetic.
00:57:38Well, I can't follow plays these days.
00:57:40Oh, it's just showing real life, that's all.
00:57:48I once thought I'd found her.
00:57:51Perfect girl.
00:57:54Red hair.
00:57:55Not too skinny.
00:57:57Yeah.
00:57:57Very gentle and shy.
00:58:02Passionate when roused.
00:58:04Yeah.
00:58:06I should pack me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick.
00:58:09You're very sweet, Roland.
00:58:12I've always thought you were.
00:58:17Did you know you very nearly have a lopsided grin?
00:58:20It's just I'm a bit tired.
00:58:22No, it's nice.
00:58:47I don't think I've washed that one.
00:58:50Oh, sorry.
00:58:54Do you know...
00:58:55What, Beryl?
00:58:56You can ask me anything.
00:58:59Do you know where Geoffrey's got to?
00:59:04He's upstairs, I think.
00:59:11Is it true they're dry on their own?
00:59:16Usually.
00:59:20Oh, I hate to be any trouble, but I think I'm dying.
00:59:25You'll be all right, honest.
00:59:27She said I shouldn't smoke it.
00:59:29Who?
00:59:30She said...
00:59:35Geoffrey?
00:59:38Geoffrey?
00:59:39Oh, no.
00:59:44Oh, no.
00:59:45Sorry.
00:59:52Geoffrey?
00:59:57Move up a bit, Geoffrey.
00:59:59Put your legs...
01:00:00That's better.
01:00:02It's because it's your first time, isn't it?
01:00:13Call Dr. Wise, put a Quilmslow road.
01:00:17It wasn't marijuana, you know.
01:00:26What was it, then?
01:00:28Grass.
01:00:30Grass is marijuana.
01:00:33This grass wasn't.
01:00:34It was the real thing.
01:00:37From the front lawn.
01:00:49Like you, Beryl.
01:00:55Had a nice time?
01:00:57Even though it's three o'clock in the morning.
01:01:00Not that I mind.
01:01:01If you've had a nice time.
01:01:03Even though I've been in bed since ten, having a good night's worry.
01:01:08Did you see Geoffrey?
01:01:13That's good.
01:01:13Do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard?
01:01:37I didn't try at all.
01:01:39Gave me to rest.
01:01:43I'm right off, birds.
01:01:46I am.
01:01:47I am.
01:01:49For good.
01:01:51Me too.
01:01:53And me.
01:01:54Good morning.
01:02:15Your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:17Can I, then?
01:02:18I don't know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:19I don't know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:20I don't know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:21I don't know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:22I don't know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:23I don't know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:24I don't know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:25I don't know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:26I don't know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:27I don't know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:28I don't know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:29I don't know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:30I don't know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:31I don't know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:32Let's go.
01:03:02Oh, Beryl.
01:03:10Beryl.
01:03:16Geoffrey.
01:03:19Can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?
01:03:24Oh, Beryl.
01:03:27Oh, Geoffrey.
01:03:30Oh, God.
01:03:32Oh, God.
01:03:33Oh, God.
01:03:34Oh, God.
01:03:35Oh, God.
01:03:36Oh, God.
01:03:37Oh, God.
01:03:38Oh, God.
01:03:39Oh, God.
01:03:40Oh, God.
01:03:41Oh, God.
01:03:42Oh, God.
01:03:43Oh, God.
01:03:44Hello.
01:03:45Sir Hart.
01:03:46Will you be required in the room again, sir?
01:03:48Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.
01:03:51Oh, God.
01:03:52Oh, God.
01:03:53Oh, God.
01:03:54Oh, God.
01:03:55Oh, God.
01:03:56Oh, God.
01:03:57Oh, God.
01:03:58Oh, God.
01:03:59Oh, God.
01:04:00Oh, God.
01:04:01Oh, God.
01:04:02Oh, God.
01:04:03Oh, God.
01:04:04Oh, hair 8 thinking.
01:04:05Oh, God.
01:04:06Oh, dear, girls.
01:04:07Oh, gosh.
01:04:08Oh, God.
01:04:09It's me.
01:04:10Who?
01:04:11Oh, my God.
01:04:12That's symbolic.
01:04:13Oh, hello, Beryl.
01:04:14I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:16Anyway, tonight I'm helping my mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:46Small world.
01:04:52Good evening, Mrs. Battersby. I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:56Oh?
01:04:58Probably this one. Definitely. Magic in satin.
01:05:02Oh, certainly, Geoffrey. Who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:05:10You'd like some nice fancy wrapping paper, wouldn't you?
01:05:16I'm a child of the universe, Beryl. I have a right to be here.
01:05:19I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays. Try the co-op.
01:05:22Beryl, listen. If you can smell burning, it's just that the vicar's been around burning his jockstrap.
01:05:25Beryl, listen. Can I help you, madam?
01:05:27Have you got that in another colour?
01:05:29No, madam. I'll leave it then.
01:05:40Listen to what, for heaven's sake?
01:05:43Don't matter. What doesn't?
01:05:45You wouldn't, anyway.
01:05:46Wouldn't what?
01:05:48Go to the match with me on Saturday.
01:05:51Me? A football match? With 40,000 skinheads and you?
01:05:57Told you.
01:05:59Who are they playing?
01:06:05Huddersfield Town. In the co-op.
01:06:08I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:16The...the fourth from the bottom.
01:06:19Shows you.
01:06:23Away from home, they've won three, drawn five and lost twelve.
01:06:27I've drawn five.
01:06:33So what do you think?
01:06:36I think I nearly love you.
01:06:37I think I nearly love you.
01:06:38Whoa.
01:06:41I'm sure I'll be there.
01:06:48Come and see.
01:06:50Whoa!
01:06:52How do you think that pusssies and throats are all over the world?
01:06:55How do you think that pussies and throats are all over the world?
01:06:58The game?
01:06:58Never mind, it's only a game.
01:07:06I thought you said you nearly loved me.
01:07:13No!
01:07:15I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Rainier by going to Watch United.
01:07:21I may be wrong.
01:07:22Grace who?
01:07:24We live in a permissive society, Beryl.
01:07:26Read any colour supplement.
01:07:28Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.
01:07:30I am, love.
01:07:31And it wasn't through going to football matches.
01:07:34You are the same mother that makes me tug my skirt down every time I stand up,
01:07:37even if he's only on the phone.
01:07:39Yes, well, boys are very safe.
01:07:42And I am your mother.
01:07:44That's what I said.
01:07:47I don't mean permissive, permissive.
01:07:51I see.
01:07:52Romantic.
01:07:55Pardon?
01:07:56Kissing, cuddling.
01:07:58Things of that nature.
01:08:02Oh, we do.
01:08:03Do what?
01:08:05What you just said.
01:08:06Good.
01:08:07Not too much, I hope.
01:08:09Oh, God.
01:08:10Boys are very funny.
01:08:12They're novices compared to mothers.
01:08:13Did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains?
01:08:23Oh.
01:08:27Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:32Fantastic.
01:08:32The cowgills.
01:08:33Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:41Married couple.
01:08:45Newlyweds.
01:08:46Not long married.
01:08:47You go bald doing that.
01:08:49You go bald doing that.
01:08:51Doing what?
01:08:52Yes, sir.
01:08:53All right.
01:08:53All right.
01:09:04Did I tell you 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains?
01:09:09Living in sin.
01:09:13Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?
01:09:16If I said to you, do you think Cassius Clay would have beaten Rocky Marciano, would you say what's it matter so long as they're happily married?
01:09:28I don't think so.
01:09:31A barrel would.
01:09:35Giving you a bad time, is she?
01:09:38Oh.
01:09:39I wouldn't say that.
01:09:43I haven't even mentioned the word.
01:09:46What word?
01:09:47Goodness me, a single person can have a relationship with another single person without everyone thinking she's automatically out to...
01:09:53I never said you were.
01:09:54You think it.
01:10:09All right, Geoffrey.
01:10:10I hereby promise never to utter the word again.
01:10:15Marriage.
01:10:16Never.
01:10:19Well, until I am.
01:10:20If I ever do.
01:10:22Which I fervently hope I never will.
01:10:24For someone who's not uttering something, when's your old pee coming out?
01:10:27No two people have a divine right to happiness, Geoffrey.
01:10:36Don't worry about me.
01:10:36I'm sorry.
01:10:36No one can say you've completely ruined me life.
01:10:41You say you've completely ruined me life.
01:10:43Not yet.
01:10:44What are you staring at?
01:10:45What are you staring at?
01:10:51What are you staring at?
01:10:51What are you staring at?
01:10:52What are you staring at, Geoffrey?
01:10:52What are you staring at, Geoffrey?
01:10:54What are you staring at?
01:10:55Hello?
01:10:56Hello?
01:10:57You all right, son?
01:10:57Terrific.
01:10:58Why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat then?
01:11:00Your mother's theory is you're overworking.
01:11:03Hmm.
01:11:04My theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird.
01:11:07Oh.
01:11:08What's your theory?
01:11:10Indigestion.
01:11:11Oh.
01:11:12What's yours, Sundance?
01:11:15Hasn't he said anything at all?
01:11:18He has said one thing.
01:11:19Who?
01:11:20What's that?
01:11:21If God had meant sardines to be in oil, it had given them dipsticks.
01:11:24All right.
01:11:25The weeks and months dragged by, and with neither side willing to compromise, we still have deadlock.
01:11:33Her Majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma.
01:11:39Another wild night learning what N.O. spells and how many of us school pals are getting married.
01:11:44And what N.O. spells.
01:11:46And what N.O. spells.
01:11:48Great!
01:11:49I might as well go bald and open my own monastery.
01:11:52And so society, that's you and me, says end this dispute.
01:11:58End it now.
01:12:00Goodnight.
01:12:01Hear, hear.
01:12:02Good, weren't I?
01:12:04Terrific.
01:12:05Especially when he said goodnight.
01:12:08We're just enjoying ourselves.
01:12:10Having a good time.
01:12:12Just having fun.
01:12:13Being happy!
01:12:15Take two a day, after meals, and one if you find yourself crying your heart out again in the middle of a zebra crossing for no reason at all.
01:12:23You're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend?
01:12:29Absolutely positive.
01:12:30That was the first film we ever saw together.
01:12:35Make that three a day after meals.
01:12:38Look, Beryl, how's this for a peace plan?
01:12:52You join a marriage bureau, and I'll get a job on the stage twice nightly in Denmark.
01:12:57Then we'll both be happy.
01:12:59Right?
01:13:00Right.
01:13:01For Jesus Christ, superstar.
01:13:02Amen.
01:13:03Oh, well.
01:13:04Pound's up again.
01:13:05See you tomorrow.
01:13:06Where do you think you're going?
01:13:08Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:13:18It's important.
01:13:19What is?
01:13:21I keep asking you what is.
01:13:26What is?
01:13:28To be on our own.
01:13:31What?
01:13:32So as we can talk.
01:13:34What?
01:13:35That old speech worked out on the bus this morning.
01:13:44The only bit I can remember is, and that's what I think.
01:13:50Last night I dreamt I was in goal for Manchester United and Grace Kelly kicked nine goals past me.
01:13:55Grace who?
01:13:56She was playing for United as well.
01:13:59Well, weird, isn't it?
01:14:09The main thing is, we do communicate.
01:14:13Oh, we do.
01:14:24See what face is going on?
01:14:25See what I think...
01:14:26Go on.
01:14:27No, you.
01:14:28Mine wasn't important.
01:14:29No, mine wasn't.
01:14:30No, mine wasn't.
01:14:41Beryl?
01:14:45Are you...
01:14:48Happy?
01:14:49Of course.
01:14:50Very.
01:14:51I am.
01:14:52No one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:14:56No.
01:14:57I'm not.
01:14:59Do you think it's because we love each other, do you think?
01:15:03Probably.
01:15:04I've not actually said the words often.
01:15:09Well, not in so many words.
01:15:10Mostly in words to that effect.
01:15:22Is there anything you don't love about me?
01:15:23No.
01:15:24I don't think so.
01:15:25Honestly, no.
01:15:26Nothing.
01:15:27If there is, you just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
01:15:28There isn't anything.
01:15:29Honest.
01:15:30Good.
01:15:31It wouldn't upset me.
01:15:32It would just make me a better human being to deserve your love.
01:15:35like, you know,
01:15:46Please make me a better human being to deserve your love.
01:16:00Like, you know, crimson shoes and bottled green socks.
01:16:10Well, you don't wear crimson shoes and bottled green socks, Beryl.
01:16:13If I did, I'd stop to please you.
01:16:20I see.
01:16:25There's no need to be sensitive, Geoffrey.
01:16:27In a meaningful relationship, you must like even what you don't.
01:16:33Your mother.
01:16:34Pardon?
01:16:34I like your mother.
01:16:35Please don't sulk, Geoffrey.
01:16:37Hand her lampshades.
01:16:38Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.
01:16:42Well, you ought to know. You've almost made it an art form.
01:16:45Anything else at random?
01:16:47You've got 24 hours to spare.
01:16:48After all, I'm no Bridget Bordeaux.
01:16:51According to reliable sources in Saint-Tropez, she's 105 next birthday.
01:16:54Over 98% of the male population of Manchester and Salford can tell the difference between Bridget Bordeaux and Beryl Battersby.
01:17:00Ask any opinion poll. I'm much fatter for a start.
01:17:04You're not all that fat, Beryl.
01:17:05I am.
01:17:06Start slimming.
01:17:07Men like something to get hold of.
01:17:09If they're allowed to get hold of it.
01:17:11You always succeed in getting back to Percy Filth in the end, don't you? Always.
01:17:15No, I don't, Beryl. You do. I always fail.
01:17:18Do you know what some girls find extremely likeable?
01:17:20The extremely likeable way some boys stare at every girl they see.
01:17:23Boys like it when girls tell them what N.O. spells.
01:17:26Especially for the 600th time. That they really dig.
01:17:29You never say dig.
01:17:31I did then.
01:17:33Your passionate, unrequited love for 11 boring men kicking a ball about.
01:17:37That's really lovable.
01:17:39I never knew you thought that.
01:17:42Neither did I.
01:17:44Do now, though.
01:17:45I used to say dig before I met you.
01:17:59I used to say all sorts of things.
01:18:05There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:07There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:29Thinking what I'm thinking?
01:18:33I think so.
01:18:34We just don't like each other.
01:18:38At all.
01:18:51Oh, goodbye, then.
01:18:54Good luck.
01:18:55Peace, man.
01:18:56St. Anne's Square.
01:19:01St. Anne's Square, please.
01:19:13So that just leaves a cot,
01:19:15two matinee coats,
01:19:17two romper suits,
01:19:19and what else do I need?
01:19:21Oh, yes, a ring.
01:19:24Teething ring?
01:19:26Wedding ring?
01:19:27Of course.
01:19:29Oh, they have gorgeous prams in the shops these days.
01:19:32No wonder everyone's at it.
01:19:35Oh, sorry.
01:19:37What about?
01:19:38Skip it.
01:19:40About time, too.
01:19:42But a sympathy.
01:19:43Not that I need any, actually.
01:19:45I've never been as happy in me life.
01:19:47But she doesn't know that.
01:19:49If I'm looking miserable, Sandra,
01:19:51it's because I'm feeling happy for you.
01:19:54Yeah.
01:19:58We know what you must be thinking.
01:19:59Of course we do.
01:20:01How to pop the pink without going in off.
01:20:09Ace.
01:20:09She used to wear pink, you know.
01:20:13I won't tell you where.
01:20:17A hell of a lot more where hers came from.
01:20:20Wow.
01:20:24Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?
01:20:27I know.
01:20:27Spells no.
01:20:30Super day for it.
01:20:33Sin being inside a day like this.
01:20:35Well, Sandra,
01:20:38this is it.
01:20:39Yep.
01:20:40The big day.
01:20:42Yep.
01:20:43Coming to the crutch.
01:20:44Crunch.
01:20:46I dare say it'll hardly break me heart in the slightest,
01:20:49seeing him again.
01:20:51You mustn't think I'll be crying inside,
01:20:52because I most definitely won't be.
01:20:55And what's more,
01:20:56no one will know that I am.
01:20:58Because I shan't.
01:20:59Truly.
01:21:02Sandra, please,
01:21:03you've enough to think of.
01:21:05It's a big day for you as well, really, isn't it?
01:21:16And now one of the bride and groom on their own.
01:21:19Do you mind stepping back, sir?
01:21:21Fine.
01:21:22This is fine enough.
01:21:23Here?
01:21:24About there, lovely.
01:21:26You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.
01:21:28Wow.
01:21:29Official permission to actually kiss her.
01:21:32Ow!
01:21:33Oh, sorry.
01:21:36That's right.
01:21:37Hold it.
01:21:39Lovely.
01:21:40Right, now, a nice family group with the parents, please.
01:21:43Right, parents.
01:21:44Funny.
01:21:44I remember the Friday lunchtime they first met.
01:21:48How have you been?
01:21:50Absolutely great.
01:21:52You?
01:21:53Never better.
01:21:54Ever.
01:21:55That's it, all a bit like that.
01:21:58It's all over now.
01:21:59Barred a salmon salad.
01:22:02It's tuna fish.
01:22:04It's life.
01:22:05I see, President Nixon went to China, then.
01:22:15That was before we ever met.
01:22:17Oh, yeah.
01:22:18Why?
01:22:19Has something happened about it?
01:22:21No.
01:22:21Oh?
01:22:22Could I trouble you for the sour cream, please?
01:22:24Hmm.
01:22:27Speaking personally, I think there are enough problems to sort out on Earth without going
01:22:31to the moon.
01:22:33Nixon?
01:22:34Why is he going?
01:22:36No.
01:22:38The astronauts.
01:22:39Oh.
01:22:41It's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for.
01:22:46We never really talked, did we?
01:22:48About things that matter.
01:22:50Good, isn't it?
01:22:51Shows we're friends.
01:22:53Now that we know we don't like each other.
01:22:55Everybody thinks we're brokenhearted.
01:23:01We've really grown up, haven't we?
01:23:03My mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much Percy filth.
01:23:07I'm right off it, myself.
01:23:09I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks.
01:23:13Oh.
01:23:14I expect it's only temporary.
01:23:16I hope not.
01:23:17It's marvellous.
01:23:18Good.
01:23:19I don't fancy you in the slightest now.
01:23:22Thank you, love.
01:23:26Still off the food, I noticed.
01:23:32And we've learned a fantastic amount for the future.
01:23:35Fantastic.
01:23:35For example, say I finally did marry someone like you, only someone I love.
01:23:41I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night.
01:23:44In bed, I bet.
01:23:51And you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of Kenny Warhol and marry her three days later.
01:23:56We probably won't see each other at all now, we're pals.
01:24:02I expect you're going to the match this afternoon.
01:24:04Oh, yeah.
01:24:05I'm helping Sandra Packer go in a way case.
01:24:08Where's she going?
01:24:09Hospital.
01:24:09Well, we'll bump into each other sometime.
01:24:16Up next.
01:24:40Hello Mrs. Battersby. You won't remember me.
01:25:00Good afternoon, Geoffrey.
01:25:03Is Beryl there, please?
01:25:08She's gone to the football match.
01:25:12There is no football. It's cricket now.
01:25:14Well, it's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:38Hi. When's the kick-off?
01:25:44In about three months. Football season's over now, Beryl.
01:25:48What on earth did you want to come for?
01:25:51I forgot. I'm not all that interested these days.
01:25:56Where will you go now, then?
01:26:00Don't know.
01:26:04Could always go inside and practise booing for next season.
01:26:09Where will you?
01:26:11Might go and get a new pair of tights.
01:26:14Hey, it's like the countryside, isn't it, when it's empty?
01:26:17Fancy a stroll in the country?
01:26:19May as well, if you like. Don't mind. Why not?
01:26:24Just as friends.
01:26:25Oh, I meant just as friends.
01:26:27Yeah, I did.
01:26:29I wish we had a ball.
01:26:38I'd play shooting in.
01:26:42You could go in goal.
01:26:48Amazing how people change, isn't it?
01:26:52Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:20We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:24Anyone, really.
01:27:33There's millions to choose from.
01:27:36All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:40You'll find someone, Geoffrey.
01:27:43You will, Beryl.
01:27:45Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:48Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:50We'll find incorrupt Meghan?..
01:27:52We'll find him!
01:27:54We'll find him!
01:28:07Ouruster!
01:28:08We'll find him!
01:28:09Ouruster!
01:28:10Ouruster!
01:28:11Ouruster!
01:28:13Ouruster!
01:28:14And you'll find sometimes
01:28:33Love and rainy weather can turn out fine
01:28:38Getting wet together's fun
01:28:41When the crying's dark
01:28:47Love and rainy weather
01:28:51Are followed by the sun
01:28:57Love and rainy weather
01:29:00Love and rainy weather
01:29:05When the crying's dark
01:29:12Love and rainy weather
01:29:16Are followed by the sun
01:29:22Love and rainy weather
01:29:25Love and rainy weather
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