- 8 hours ago
In the film, a female member of the Orlock family inherits her family's ancestral castle in Transylvania. A vampire cousin of the heiress is trying to use a stolen magical book to summon a monster to Earth. A vampire hunter of the Van Helsing family tries to cope with his new life as a vampire.
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Oh, my God.
00:00:30Oh, my God.
00:01:00Oh, my God.
00:01:30Oh, my God.
00:02:00Oh, my God.
00:02:29Oh, my God.
00:02:59Oh, my God.
00:03:29Oh, my God.
00:03:59Oh, my God.
00:04:29Oh, my God.
00:04:59Oh, my God.
00:05:29And while you're here, don't forget to ask about our special layaway program.
00:05:33A little in-house humor there, folks.
00:05:35I think it's funny.
00:05:37Oh, my God.
00:05:38Oh, my God.
00:05:39Oh, my God.
00:05:40Oh, my God.
00:05:41Oh, my God.
00:05:42Oh, my God.
00:05:43Oh, my God.
00:05:44Oh, my God.
00:05:45Oh, my God.
00:05:46Oh, my God.
00:05:47Oh, my God.
00:05:48Oh, my God.
00:05:49Oh, my God.
00:05:50Oh, my God.
00:05:51Oh, my God.
00:05:52Oh, my God.
00:05:53Oh, my God.
00:05:54Oh, my God.
00:05:55All you do is take a freeway, any freeway.
00:05:57Do you see that big neon coffin in the sky?
00:06:00Yes, friends, that's the home of Death City.
00:06:01Mortuary, crematorium, and cemetery all-in-one convenient location.
00:06:05And, friends, remember, you can't take it with you,
00:06:07so you might as well spend it here at Death City,
00:06:11where we put the fun back in funerals.
00:06:14And I'll stand to my head to bury your dead.
00:06:16And now, let's get back to our movies,
00:06:17The Vampire DJs from Hell.
00:06:25The Vampire DJs from Hell
00:06:55Excuse me, is this the service for Ephraim Ward?
00:06:57Indeed, sir. Are you related to the deceased?
00:07:00Well, as far as I know, I'm his only living relative.
00:07:02My name is Dexter Ward.
00:07:04Oh, of course, Mr. Ward.
00:07:05I spoke to you on the phone when you made the arrangement.
00:07:07Right.
00:07:08We've opened the casket to let the bereaved
00:07:10and they pay their last respects.
00:07:12Goodbye, Uncle Ephraim.
00:07:35Goodbye, Uncle Ephraim.
00:07:39This book, the book of Ulthar, you must find it.
00:07:49It alone has the power to summon forth the evil one.
00:07:56What am I doing here?
00:07:58You're dead, Uncle Ephraim.
00:07:59Like hell I am.
00:08:01Get me out of this goddamn thing.
00:08:03What stupid son of a bitch pronounced me dead?
00:08:08I believe it was Dr. Malley.
00:08:10That quack in this cheap jack place didn't even bother to embalm me.
00:08:14Help me! Help me! Help me!
00:08:17Dear me, this was rather unexpected.
00:08:21You can all go home. I'm not dead.
00:08:25Dexter, my boy, give me your arm.
00:08:28Get out of here, you miserable toadies.
00:08:31Phony bastards never saw one of them before in my life.
00:08:38You're looking much better since the funeral, Uncle Ephraim.
00:08:40You know, I think death agrees with you.
00:08:41Dexter, you're the only person who seems genuinely happy I'm still alive.
00:08:46Well, remember what they said about that condition of yours.
00:08:48You sure it's such a good idea returning to work this soon?
00:08:50Oh, my boy, this library is my life.
00:08:53For 40 years, I've been responsible for the world's largest collection of books on witchcraft and the black arts.
00:09:00That's what I call job security.
00:09:02Dexter, have you ever heard of the book of Ulthar?
00:09:05Nope.
00:09:06Ulthar was a sorcerer at a time before history when all the world was in darkness and chaos prevailed.
00:09:13Oh, yeah, I remember the Reagan administration.
00:09:15No, no, it was the reign of the evil one, an elder god that once walked the earth.
00:09:22Ulthar cast a spell which banished this unearthly creature to the eternal void beyond time and space.
00:09:29Yeah, I spent a weekend there once.
00:09:32You may scoff, but many authorities believe that the evil one has been waiting these countless eons for the counter spell that would free it from its astral exile.
00:09:42Yeah, I know. And once again, we'll all be down the crapper.
00:09:45Correct. Ulthar placed all his mystic incantations in one volume, which has been carefully guarded throughout the ages.
00:09:54Then, 20 years ago, I made a tragic error.
00:10:01I lent the book out.
00:10:03Isn't that what libraries are supposed to do?
00:10:05Not with such a priceless volume.
00:10:07The culprit's name was Marinus Orlok.
00:10:11His academic credentials were impeccable.
00:10:14And a few days later, he simply vanished with my book.
00:10:19For two decades, I vainly attempted to find some trace of him.
00:10:24Then finally, just recently, I unearthed a clue.
00:10:27A daughter living in Los Angeles.
00:10:30I was about to contact her when I had my attack.
00:10:33I had a feeling this was all leading someplace.
00:10:36You've been like a son to me, Dexter.
00:10:38I know it's a great favor to ask, but...
00:10:41Hey, hey, don't, don't, don't.
00:10:42You know, I owe you more than I could ever repay.
00:10:44You give me that address, I'll find that book.
00:10:46Orlok's daughter is named Marissa.
00:10:49Marissa?
00:10:50You can contact her here.
00:10:53All right, everybody.
00:10:54Quiet for picture.
00:10:55I don't like snap-a-lectic.
00:11:13I don't play chess.
00:11:15I'm just not used to second best.
00:11:18I don't watch Wheel of Fortune or meet the press.
00:11:22I'm not the kind that gets depressed.
00:11:26Just give me action.
00:11:30Your love is the attraction.
00:11:34It's pure satisfaction.
00:11:38Yes.
00:11:38I don't like blastin' out of here screws, gun control.
00:11:54I want some fun before I get old.
00:11:57I don't like causing accidents.
00:12:00I'm on a roll.
00:12:02Who cares if I'm on parole?
00:12:04Just give me action.
00:12:09Your love keeps me in traction.
00:12:13It's pure satisfaction.
00:12:16Let's start a revolution, callin' John Wayne.
00:12:29Your love is drivin' me insane.
00:12:33Let's storm a foreign missile-based,
00:12:35start World War III.
00:12:37Knock off the Ayatollah for me.
00:12:40Just give me action.
00:12:45Your love keeps me in traction.
00:12:48It's pure satisfaction.
00:12:52It's...
00:12:53Come on and give me a little action, will you?
00:13:02Cut!
00:13:14Woo!
00:13:15That was beautiful, Marissa!
00:13:18Is everything all right?
00:13:20Babe, they only make one word to describe your performance.
00:13:22Simply sensational.
00:13:23That's two words.
00:13:24Right.
00:13:25Right now, I predict that song's gonna win a granny.
00:13:27That's granny!
00:13:28No, dearie.
00:13:29He meant granny.
00:13:30Here you go, Chief.
00:13:33Okay, everybody, it's a wrap.
00:13:39Pardon me, pardon me.
00:13:40You're Marissa Orlach, right?
00:13:42How did you know my last name?
00:13:43Not even my press agent knows that.
00:13:45I'm Dexter Ward.
00:13:46I've been trackin' you down all over L.A.
00:13:48Hey, look, I love my fans, but don't let it get out of control, okay?
00:13:51No, you don't understand.
00:13:53See, I wanna talk to you about your father, Marinus.
00:13:55What about my father?
00:13:57Well, you see, my Uncle Ephraim, he's got...
00:13:59Wait, we can talk in here.
00:14:00It's private.
00:14:06Hey!
00:14:08Hey, this is the center of the...
00:14:10That's right.
00:14:11It's where they used to film all those old sitcoms.
00:14:14Now, what information do you have about my father?
00:14:17Oh, uh, well, not much, I'm afraid.
00:14:19Apparently, sometime in the late 60s, your father borrowed a one-of-a-kind volume from the Arkham Public Library,
00:14:25the, uh, the Book of Althar.
00:14:26Now, supposedly, when translated, this book could open up a doorway to another dimension.
00:14:32What was that?
00:14:33It's one of those old laugh track machines.
00:14:36They used to use it on all these shows.
00:14:38Well, who's operating it?
00:14:40No one.
00:14:40I think they just forgot to turn it off.
00:14:42But don't worry, it's programmed to laugh at anything.
00:14:45See what I mean?
00:14:47Oh, where was I?
00:14:49Oh, yeah.
00:14:50Anyway, my Uncle Ephraim is the head librarian at Arkham,
00:14:53and he's a little eager to have this particular book returned,
00:14:56so I was kind of hoping you could, uh, give me a current address on your father's.
00:15:00Oh, I was hoping you could give me one.
00:15:02See, my father left when I was quite young.
00:15:04He arranged a Swiss bank account for our support,
00:15:07but neither my mother or I have heard from him in, like, nearly 20 years.
00:15:11I'm not giving anything to see him again.
00:15:14Hey, that's not funny.
00:15:17Look, I'm...
00:15:18I'm sorry we had to meet under these circumstances.
00:15:21I, uh, I won't bother you anymore.
00:15:25Hello!
00:15:26Holy Captain Video!
00:15:28You must be characters from the future.
00:15:30Let's see, this is where the, uh, plot thickens.
00:15:32Telegram, uh, telegram for Marissa Orlach.
00:15:36Oh, I'm Marissa Orlach.
00:15:37Yeah, well, this must be for you.
00:15:44Will you come on?
00:15:48What a crouch.
00:15:51Oh, it's from Victor Van Helsing.
00:15:54I don't know anybody by that name.
00:15:57Come immediately to Castle Orlach in Transylvania.
00:16:00Transylvania.
00:16:04No.
00:16:12My father just died.
00:16:16Look how painful this must be for you.
00:16:18I'm gonna call the travel agency.
00:16:21Reserve tickets for two.
00:16:23Two?
00:16:24For Transylvania.
00:16:25Ladies and gentlemen, we are now beginning of descent to Transylvania.
00:16:39Please fasten your seatbelts and extinguish all portes.
00:16:42Thank you for flying Transylvania airliners.
00:16:47The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of coffins.
00:16:53There is no dying in the red zone.
00:16:56And, at the signpost up ahead, the twilight zone.
00:17:02Oh, it's beautiful here.
00:17:04Now what do we do?
00:17:06According to the telegram, we'll go straight to Hansburg.
00:17:08It's a small village just west of here.
00:17:11Got any neat ideas on how to get there?
00:17:13Nope.
00:17:13Okay?
00:17:19I could live here.
00:17:24Maxie!
00:17:26Oh, I'm not sure.
00:17:27We're trying to get to Hansburg.
00:17:29Look, lady, you either want a taxi or you don't want a taxi.
00:17:32There's no skin off my ass either way.
00:17:34What can you make here?
00:17:35You got it, baby.
00:17:36Maxie Field.
00:17:37Big Apple Cab Company.
00:17:39Oh.
00:17:39What are you doing here?
00:17:40Can I help it if they give me a bad area?
00:17:42So, hey, I'm not taking a bad deal for my health.
00:17:45Do you want a ride or not?
00:17:46You got it.
00:17:47Can you take us to Hansburg?
00:17:49I don't usually like to go into that area after dark, but, uh...
00:17:52Hey, affair's affair, right?
00:17:54You know what I mean?
00:17:55Hop in.
00:18:03I feel as a red captain.
00:18:04It'll look too well.
00:18:07Yeah, there's zombies.
00:18:09Forget about them.
00:18:10You get used to them.
00:18:11What?
00:18:11The walking's dead?
00:18:13Hey, New York, you got your junkies.
00:18:15Here, you got your zombies.
00:18:17What's the difference?
00:18:18They all look like Keith Richards anyway.
00:18:20They don't look particularly efficient.
00:18:25Yeah, they're dead.
00:18:26They're all messed up.
00:18:27Nice scenery around here.
00:18:40Hey, folks?
00:18:41You got your misshrouded moors, your bleak forest, desolate graveyards.
00:18:46Great place for picnics.
00:18:48You know, you didn't have to come.
00:18:49If I found the book of author, I could have just sent it to you.
00:18:52You know.
00:18:53You don't mind me being here, do you?
00:18:55No.
00:18:55It's nice to have company.
00:18:58Especially in a place like this.
00:19:00Ah, who knows.
00:19:01Maybe they'll put up a Disneyland here someday.
00:19:03Yeah, I could see it all now.
00:19:05Vampires of the Caribbean, right over there someplace.
00:19:09Hey, did you say that you were a librarian?
00:19:11No, no, no.
00:19:11My uncle's a librarian.
00:19:13I'm just helping him out during a summer vacation.
00:19:15I'm studying pre-med at Arkham University.
00:19:17I was going to be a lawyer, but I couldn't stand a sight of blood.
00:19:19I never finished high school.
00:19:22Oh, really?
00:19:24Uh, despite graduating from high school, Marissa's recording career prevented her from pursuing a higher education.
00:19:30We're doing a little research.
00:19:33Well, at least that much is true.
00:19:35Well, wait a minute.
00:19:37Describe your perfect mate.
00:19:38Yeah, here we go.
00:19:39Tall, handsome, great sense of humor.
00:19:41Ooh, you sound like anybody you know?
00:19:43Eh, one out of three is bad.
00:19:48Sorry about the bumps.
00:19:49Gee, we got better roads in the Bronx.
00:19:52And I still don't understand what a New York cabbie is doing in a place like this.
00:19:56You talking to me?
00:19:57Nobody else here.
00:19:58Must be talking to me.
00:20:00I wanted to get out of the city.
00:20:01Big mistake.
00:20:03You can't even find a decent piece of pizza in this whole damn country.
00:20:08I'll bite.
00:20:09Oh, thanks.
00:20:19You know, we don't seem to be getting the media coverage off what we would.
00:20:31You missed the point, Mr. Mole.
00:20:34We be stopping any unauthorized grave robbers from sneaking in and nipping the old gentleman inside.
00:20:40Aye.
00:20:40And selling him to those medical chaps for a measly ten bob.
00:20:44Ten bob doesn't sound so bad here in now.
00:20:47We could buy another bottle.
00:20:48Help us keep warm.
00:20:49Oh, that we could, Mr. Sweeney.
00:20:52That we...
00:20:53Be ye suggesting we cross our own picket line.
00:20:55Aye.
00:20:55That I be, Mr. Mole.
00:20:57Did you bring your tools with you?
00:20:59Would a good union man be without his tools or trade?
00:21:02Always a pleasure to see a professional at work, Mr. Sweeney.
00:21:13Why, thank you, Mr. Mole.
00:21:16You've got these bloody alarms on everything these days.
00:21:21Off to you, Mr. Mole.
00:21:23Off to you, Mr. Sweeney.
00:21:27You think you bet we'd be saving him from being stabbed by someone what ain't in our unit?
00:21:32I'm sure he'd be appreciating that fact, Mr. Mole.
00:21:43No!
00:21:46No!
00:21:47No!
00:21:48No!
00:21:49No!
00:21:50No!
00:21:51No!
00:21:52No!
00:21:53No!
00:21:54No!
00:21:55No!
00:21:56No!
00:21:57No!
00:21:58No!
00:21:59No!
00:22:00No!
00:22:01No!
00:22:02No!
00:22:03No!
00:22:12Oh my God!
00:22:15Oh!
00:22:17Oh...
00:22:24Oh my God!
00:22:25Thank God.
00:22:49Thank God?
00:22:51Thank God I got him before dinner.
00:22:55Thank God.
00:23:25Oh, this place looks worse than an Italian gallery.
00:23:29Pardon me, pardon me.
00:23:31Here's a lovely place you got here, but, um, how can you afford all this garlic?
00:23:38Excuse me.
00:23:40Excuse me!
00:23:42What?
00:23:43Um, can somebody tell us how to get to Castle Orlov?
00:23:49Oh!
00:23:50I don't think they've heard of it.
00:23:53Perhaps I can help you.
00:23:54I am the chief constant.
00:23:55Oh, hello there, my name is Dexter Ward.
00:23:56Hans Hopp.
00:23:57No, no, that's my name.
00:23:58Oh, I see.
00:23:59Hopp.
00:24:00Hans Hopp.
00:24:01Oh, I see.
00:24:02Hopp.
00:24:03Hans Hopp.
00:24:04Correct.
00:24:05Now, hands down.
00:24:06Yes, what is it?
00:24:07I'm not talking to you, Hans.
00:24:08I'm talking to Hans.
00:24:09That's Hans.
00:24:10That's Hans down, our local undertaker.
00:24:12Constable, with all these similar names, you must have your hands full.
00:24:14Yes.
00:24:15I knew it.
00:24:16Well, perhaps you can help us, Constable Hopp.
00:24:17Perhaps.
00:24:18What would be your business at Castle Orlov?
00:24:19Well, you see, my name is Marissa Orlov, and my name is Marissa Orlov, and my name is
00:24:20Marissa Orlov, and my name is Marissa Orlov, and my name is Marissa Orlov.
00:24:21Oh.
00:24:22Oh.
00:24:23Somehow, I don't think Dad was the president of the local Kiwanis club.
00:24:25Oh.
00:24:26Oh.
00:24:27Oh.
00:24:28Oh.
00:24:29Oh.
00:24:30Oh.
00:24:31Oh.
00:24:32Oh.
00:24:33Oh.
00:24:34Oh.
00:24:35Oh.
00:24:36Oh.
00:24:37Oh.
00:24:38Oh.
00:24:39Oh.
00:24:40Oh.
00:24:41Oh.
00:24:42Oh.
00:24:43Oh.
00:24:44Oh.
00:24:45Oh.
00:24:46Oh.
00:24:47Oh.
00:24:48Oh.
00:24:49Oh.
00:24:50Oh.
00:24:51I'm fine, aren't you Tommy, my friend!
00:24:52Oh.
00:24:53Stop it!
00:24:54You don't mean to say you're Marissa Orlov's daughter.
00:24:55Yes!
00:24:56Yes, you don't mean to say it?
00:24:58No, I do mean to say it.
00:24:59Let me rephrase this.
00:25:00Are you not Marissa Orlov's daughter?
00:25:02Yes.
00:25:03Yes, you are not.
00:25:04No, yes, I am!
00:25:05Ah...
00:25:06Put it in another way!
00:25:07Well, it's like they're simple.
00:25:12This is Marissa Orlov.
00:25:13I'm Dexter Ward.
00:25:14We're looking for Castle Orlov, and we're all here to play Superpassword!
00:25:15Young lady, I seriously suggest that you stay away from the castle.
00:25:21It has been boarded up since your father's death.
00:25:24There's no one up there now.
00:25:26At least, no one...
00:25:31...alive.
00:25:35Who's playing that rock?
00:25:37Well, that's nonsense.
00:25:39I received a telegram stating that my Uncle Byron had already arrived there.
00:25:44He's back. Byron Orlok is back.
00:25:47Now no one will be safe. Not our wives, our children, our mistresses.
00:25:52Hey, he's coming in on the new train.
00:25:55Hey, wait a minute. I'm in the wrong movie.
00:25:59You're not telling me that Byron Orlok is back.
00:26:02No, no, wait a minute. Don't start that again.
00:26:05What's wrong with everybody?
00:26:07Wrong? Nothing is wrong, little man.
00:26:10You must make allowances. These are but superstitious peasants, afraid of their own shadows.
00:26:20You see what I mean?
00:26:22There is much to fear in the shadows.
00:26:26And even more to fear...
00:26:29...from vampires.
00:26:37Vampires?
00:26:39There were legends many years ago, but...
00:26:43...fairy tales to frighten children.
00:26:46Tell me, constable, where do legends end and facts begin?
00:26:49What is the shadowy boundary between science and superstition?
00:26:52And how can you tell the groom at a Polish wedding?
00:26:55I'm afraid you have me at a loss.
00:26:58Aha!
00:26:59I thought as much.
00:27:01You are Marissa Orlok?
00:27:02Yes.
00:27:03I'm Dr. Victor Van Helsing.
00:27:04It was I who sent you that telegram.
00:27:06My card.
00:27:07For a good time call, Victor Van Helsing.
00:27:11Vampire hunter.
00:27:12I don't understand.
00:27:13I've been awaiting your arrival.
00:27:15You may share my coach.
00:27:16Oh, wait, wait, wait.
00:27:18Leave my son.
00:27:21I once had a boy just like you.
00:27:24Here.
00:27:25Take this.
00:27:26It will protect you from evil.
00:27:28Thanks.
00:27:29Wait a minute, buddy.
00:27:31That'll be a buck seventy-five.
00:27:33Oh, man!
00:27:41You know my father?
00:27:44Marinis and I were colleagues many years ago.
00:27:47Then something happened and I never saw him again.
00:27:50A few days ago, I learned that he had died and I had been named executor of his estate.
00:27:53And that's when he contacted me?
00:27:55Correct.
00:27:56You and your uncle are the only two known living heirs.
00:27:58I believe Lord Byron and his family are already at the castle.
00:28:01Come.
00:28:02Okay.
00:28:05Dexter, what took you so long?
00:28:07The old lady in the gift shop, if you must know.
00:28:10Here.
00:28:11This might come in handy.
00:28:12Does this never go unsteady?
00:28:14Go.
00:28:15Christopher.
00:28:16Herrint.
00:28:17Server?
00:28:19選手
00:28:21選手
00:28:25任命
00:28:29選手
00:28:34I don't care what anyone says.
00:28:49This hurts.
00:29:04Are you really a vampire hunter?
00:29:07Is that card some kind of joke?
00:29:09Young lady, I never joke about vampires.
00:29:14No way, are we talking about furry flying bats?
00:29:17We are speaking of the undead.
00:29:19Undead?
00:29:20What do you mean, not alive?
00:29:21They are neither dead nor alive.
00:29:23Sounds like my agent.
00:29:24I am referring to the evil spirits who inhabit the bodies of the deceased.
00:29:28They rise from their coffins to feed upon the blood of the living.
00:29:31That's my agent, all right.
00:29:32I've made the eradication of these creatures my life's work.
00:29:35So, there's a lot of money in this stuff?
00:29:37I was always encouraged to uphold the family tradition, even as a child.
00:29:41Victor, what's happening?
00:29:43I don't know.
00:29:43Either the projectionist is falling asleep or Van Helsing's having a flashback.
00:29:52Merry Christmas, young Victor.
00:30:02Thanks, Dad.
00:30:03This is just what I wanted.
00:30:05Of course, vampire hunting has its moments of tension, even for a small boy.
00:30:11Victor.
00:30:12Victor Van Helsing.
00:30:14Yes, Mrs. Caldwell?
00:30:15Are you responsible for that?
00:30:23Yes, Mrs. Carlswell.
00:30:25Bring it here.
00:30:33Now, I want you to write on the blackboard.
00:30:36I will not stake vampires in glass.
00:30:39And I want you to do it 50 times.
00:30:42Another flashback?
00:30:43Don't worry. I think it's the last one.
00:30:45Oh, good.
00:30:47Gosh, Betty Lou, I really like you.
00:30:49And I really like you, Victor.
00:30:52You're not like the other girls.
00:30:54I was wondering when you'd get around to noticing that.
00:30:57Somehow, you're more mature than the others.
00:30:59Well, I am 19.
00:31:0119? But that's not old.
00:31:041,900.
00:31:07That's old.
00:31:09Perhaps we ought to start back home. It is getting rather late.
00:31:12Later than you think, Victor.
00:31:15Please. No hickeys.
00:31:17Don't worry, Victor. I'll still respect you in the morning.
00:31:20I think we both need a drink first.
00:31:24Perhaps you're right.
00:31:25It may help to warm our blood.
00:31:28Ladies first.
00:31:29Holy water, don't leave home without it.
00:31:49From that time onward, I've dedicated my life to scourging the earth of this evil.
00:31:53Wow, they really do exist.
00:31:56I assure you, they exist.
00:31:58In fact, there's been a recent epidemic of vampirism in this vicinity.
00:32:01I destroyed one such creature before you arrived this evening.
00:32:04Maybe you could mail me that book.
00:32:07You two have nothing to fear while under my protection.
00:32:10I may be kindly Dr. Van Helsing to you.
00:32:12But to the undead, I am the son of Sam.
00:32:16Frightened?
00:32:18Me?
00:32:19You don't really expect me to swallow that, do you?
00:32:21I swallowed it.
00:32:22Hey, come on, Miss Maris.
00:32:24We're riding here in the beautiful, colorful countryside,
00:32:27being pulled by a horse-drawn carriage,
00:32:29moonlight.
00:32:30What could be more romantic?
00:32:31High noon on the Mojave Desert.
00:32:34Listen, the hills are alive with the sound of music.
00:32:40He's gonna sing, folks.
00:32:41Time to hit that snack bar.
00:32:43Tex, you're not gonna sing.
00:32:44Uh-huh.
00:32:45But why throw a light-hearted song in at a time like this?
00:32:48Listen, let me tell you all about it.
00:32:51Take one grand little melody
00:32:54Write some cutesy lyrics
00:32:55And just paste them together now
00:32:58Oh, wow
00:32:59Think of the royalties I'm making
00:33:04And in a bit, yeah
00:33:08I'll have a hit this up
00:33:12And you can bet
00:33:14And you can bet I'll sell cassettes
00:33:16And CDs
00:33:19Hey there, I write some DJs
00:33:23And this little song of mine
00:33:24Will climb up the charts now
00:33:26Oh, wow
00:33:28Think of the royalties
00:33:30I'm making
00:33:32Who cares if it's good or not
00:33:36It doesn't matter
00:33:40Kids will buy anything
00:33:41Kids will buy anything
00:33:44Then charge it today
00:33:47So hey there
00:33:57I've got a song here
00:33:58And some cutesy lyrics
00:34:00And I'll put them together now
00:34:02Oh, wow
00:34:04Think of the royalties
00:34:06I'll go to bed
00:34:08Do you get very many girls that way?
00:34:14No, but it kills three minutes
00:34:16Castle Warlock, just ahead
00:34:36All right, girls
00:34:56It's party time
00:34:57Castle Warlock, everybody out
00:35:22Hey
00:35:26Oh, man
00:35:28Well, you're getting no tip from me
00:35:31What's he feeding those horses?
00:35:34What frightened himself?
00:35:36It's as if a blind had settled over this land
00:35:37Notice the singular lack of vegetation
00:35:40The scarcity of animal life
00:35:42The absence of major league sporting events
00:35:44It's not much of a castle, really
00:35:47I'm sure it's the best they could afford on the budget
00:35:49Maybe it's bingo night
00:36:08Perhaps they can't hear us
00:36:10Don't be ridiculous
00:36:11We're making enough noise to raise
00:36:12The dead
00:36:15You must leave this place at once
00:36:18Look, I assure you
00:36:20We are not Jehovah's Witnesses
00:36:21Lord Byron left strict instructions
00:36:23That he was to receive no visitors
00:36:25Nonsense
00:36:25I'm Dr. Victor Van Helsing
00:36:27And I'm expected
00:36:28And I'm Marissa Orlach
00:36:29And I'm also expected
00:36:30And you?
00:36:32I'm Dexter Ward
00:36:33I'm along for the comedy relief
00:36:34That's a matter of opinion
00:36:36And what is your name, my good man?
00:36:38Stefan, sir
00:36:39Well, Stefan, sir
00:36:40I insist you show us inside
00:36:42There
00:36:43That's what it looks like
00:36:44I meant escort us in
00:36:47Very well
00:36:48Let it be on your heads
00:36:50Let what be on our heads?
00:36:53End
00:36:53End
00:37:06Would you look at this place?
00:37:09Suppose your interior decorator
00:37:11Is among the living?
00:37:12Ivan announced you
00:37:14To Lord Byron
00:37:15I never met my uncle
00:37:21As a matter of fact
00:37:23I didn't even know I had one
00:37:25Until I received a telegram
00:37:27I never met him either
00:37:28But I understand he was
00:37:29The black sheep of the family
00:37:30He was supposedly expelled
00:37:32From kindergarten
00:37:33For extreme brutality
00:37:34Yeah, I think I went to school with him
00:37:35According to Marinus
00:37:37He banished Byron
00:37:38From the castle
00:37:39Some time ago
00:37:39Apparently
00:37:40They had a violent disagreement
00:37:42Over one particular book
00:37:43A book?
00:37:44You don't have to recall
00:37:45The title, do you?
00:37:46My memory's not quite
00:37:47What it used to be
00:37:48But it was either
00:37:50The book of Ulthar
00:37:51Or the latest
00:37:51Jackie Collins novel
00:37:52Does anybody know
00:37:53What happened to it?
00:37:54I would imagine
00:37:55Both volumes
00:37:56Are somewhere still
00:37:57Here in the castle
00:37:58Did you hear that, Marissa?
00:38:01Marissa?
00:38:01Marissa?
00:38:01Marissa?
00:38:10Marissa, it's you
00:38:11Marissa?
00:38:11That's not me
00:38:12I'm standing here
00:38:13That's a painting of me
00:38:14Must be an ancestor of mine
00:38:17Wonder who she is
00:38:19I don't know
00:38:20But I doubt she had trouble
00:38:21Finding a date
00:38:22On a Saturday night
00:38:23Dexter, don't you know better than to put your hand on someone's shoulder in a spooky place like this?
00:38:44I'm sorry, I just wanted to show you something.
00:38:46Well, there are a number of ways of attracting one's attention.
00:38:49Damn, I hate cheap sharks like that.
00:38:51Come on, you gotta check this out.
00:38:52Marissa just discovered something that I...
00:38:55Oh, God, I dream of combinations like that.
00:39:04Marissa, come forward, dear cousin.
00:39:09We want to give you a kiss.
00:39:11Yes, dear cousin, come closer.
00:39:15I want to give you a big, wet, gooey one.
00:39:18Marissa, look out!
00:39:33Oh, my Lord, I could have been killed.
00:39:36That chandelier's probably been hanging there over a hundred years.
00:39:39If the moment one of the steps underneath, it falls.
00:39:42How do you remember staring at the portrait and then...
00:39:45Oh, look at me, they're your relatives.
00:39:51I see the chandelier has fallen again.
00:39:57It always does that when we have guests.
00:40:00Lord Orlark.
00:40:01Lord Orlark.
00:40:06I am Byron Orlark.
00:40:09And you are welcome in my home.
00:40:12Yes, we've met your welcoming committee.
00:40:15Legally, the point of ownership has yet to be established.
00:40:18I am Dr. Victor Van Helsing, executive of your brother's estate.
00:40:21Then you have Maronis' last womb and testament.
00:40:25Along with specific instructions concerning his funeral arrangements.
00:40:29An honor, sir.
00:40:31And you are Marissa?
00:40:32Yes.
00:40:33The family resemblance is truly astonishing.
00:40:37My condolences to you at this time, my dear.
00:40:42But I don't seem to recognize this young man.
00:40:45This is Dexter Ward, Uncle Byron.
00:40:47He's a friend.
00:40:47Of anyone in particular?
00:40:50Or just generally well-liked?
00:40:55Lord Orlark, we were just remarking on the amazing similarity between Marissa and the lady in that portrait.
00:41:02Ah, the first Marissa Orlark.
00:41:06You are her namesake, my dear.
00:41:08I was hoping to find out more about my father, Uncle Byron.
00:41:11There's not very much to tell.
00:41:14There was always a great deal of animosity between us.
00:41:16Even as a child, Maronis disapproved of my torturing small animals.
00:41:25Come now.
00:41:27You've had a long and tiring journey, no doubt.
00:41:31Permit me to show you to your room.
00:41:33Did you and my father ever straighten out your differences?
00:41:39Even towards the end, we didn't get along particularly well.
00:41:43His last letter to me began,
00:41:46Dear Shithead.
00:41:48Sorry to hear that.
00:41:49You were born into a most remarkable family, my dear.
00:41:54These are but a few of our illustrious ancestors.
00:41:57This is Roderick Orlark, thief, drug addict, professional assassin, and part-time used car salesman.
00:42:08And this is Linole Orlark, blackmailing, harrowing, murderous, and two-time president of the local PTA.
00:42:25She died in the madhouse.
00:42:28Is that hereditary?
00:42:33And surely this must be the best of the lot.
00:42:37Hans Orlark.
00:42:39Sodomist, incest, pedophile, and member of the Nixon administration.
00:42:45I wax, nostalgia.
00:42:55Stefan!
00:42:57Yes, my lord?
00:42:59Where'd he come from?
00:43:01Stefan automatically materializes whenever he's needed.
00:43:04I've never figured out quite how.
00:43:07Trade secret, my lord.
00:43:10Stefan, gather their luggage and take it to their rooms.
00:43:14Yes, Linole.
00:43:18He dematerializes the same way.
00:43:22Totally perplexing.
00:43:25Come with me.
00:43:27You'll have a few hours to freshen up before the services.
00:43:31Services?
00:43:32For your father, Marilus Orlark's funeral will be held downstairs precisely at midnight.
00:43:44And it is a commonly held misconception that the undead can transform themselves into bats.
00:43:50Pure nonsense.
00:43:51True, they can change into frogs, flounders, aardbarks, pelicans, baboons, and warthogs, but never bats.
00:43:58I say.
00:44:02Say you'll help me.
00:44:03I must leave this place.
00:44:04You're my only hope.
00:44:05Young woman, what seems to be the matter?
00:44:07It's Lord Orlark.
00:44:08He keeps me locked in this castle.
00:44:09He's taken everything away.
00:44:11My freedom.
00:44:13My vibrator.
00:44:14My traveler's checks.
00:44:16And I'll bet they weren't American Express.
00:44:18Oh, you must help me.
00:44:20You're my only hope.
00:44:21You must.
00:44:22There, there.
00:44:23I've told you once.
00:44:40I've told you a thousand times.
00:44:42No between-meal snacks.
00:44:46Now go to your room.
00:44:48You're grounded.
00:44:48My apologies, Doctor.
00:44:56My daughter sometimes becomes overly agitated.
00:45:00You see, we do not get too many visitors to the castle.
00:45:04Difficult to imagine why.
00:45:06Lord Orlark.
00:45:08You have something on your mouth.
00:45:13Ah.
00:45:14Too much ketchup on my french fries.
00:45:18How did I know?
00:45:42How did I know?
00:45:42Marissa?
00:45:50Marissa?
00:45:59What is the meaning of this intrusion?
00:46:01I'm sorry.
00:46:02I'm looking for Marissa Orlark.
00:46:04Does that give you the right to burst into my room unannounced?
00:46:07No, no.
00:46:08And I apologize for it.
00:46:09Hey, wait a minute.
00:46:13You're, you're Boris Karloff, aren't you?
00:46:16Yes.
00:46:16Sure, I just, I just saw you in that movie with, uh, with Jack Nicholson.
00:46:20The, um, the terror.
00:46:22Forgive me for reviving painful memories.
00:46:26I don't believe it.
00:46:28Nobody's seen or heard of you since 1969.
00:46:31For 20 years, I've lived here alone.
00:46:35You're kidding me.
00:46:37Jeez, that, that, that, that drives me crazy.
00:46:40You think I'm mad, don't you?
00:46:43No.
00:46:44No.
00:46:44Hey, I, I, I've only been here, uh, an hour in this spook house, and, and I'm already starting
00:46:49to go to Looney Tunes.
00:46:50Oh, perhaps we're both mad.
00:46:55May, may, may be.
00:46:56Ah, I, I gotta go, Boris.
00:46:59Go to the, uh, try and get out, Boris.
00:47:01Okay.
00:47:01Oh, so that's how they made all those movies.
00:47:15Oh, so that's how they made all those movies.
00:47:45Oh, so that's how they made all those movies.
00:48:15Hello?
00:48:16They're here.
00:48:24Oh, God.
00:48:26Well, no one ever said I was handsome, ma'am.
00:48:29What are you doing here?
00:48:30Merely standing here ominously, ma'am.
00:48:33Does that displease you?
00:48:35I didn't hear you come in.
00:48:36Don't you believe in announcing yourself?
00:48:38Oh, very well.
00:48:40You're stepping.
00:48:41Well, what do you want, then?
00:48:44Oh, yes.
00:48:45Lord Byron sent me with some good news and some bad news.
00:48:49Oh, what's the bad news?
00:48:51Master Maronis is still dead.
00:48:54Well, what's the good news?
00:48:55There is no good news, ma'am.
00:49:00There is no good news.
00:49:03There is no good news, ma'am.
00:49:08Ah, come, Marisha.
00:49:30I would like you to meet my family.
00:49:33These are my adopted daughters, Patty.
00:49:36Maxine and Laverne.
00:49:43We've met.
00:49:45Now for a final tribute to Marinus.
00:49:49Stéphane will play his favorite musical recording.
00:49:53Hit it.
00:50:06See you next time.
00:50:16Hey!
00:50:16Hey!
00:50:16Whoop!
00:50:17Hey!
00:50:18Hey!
00:50:19Hey!
00:50:20Hey!
00:50:21Hey!
00:50:22Hey!
00:50:24Hey!
00:50:25Hey!
00:50:27it's an old family custom now if the doctor and your young friend will assist Stefan and I
00:50:47we'll take the coffin below below yes all the orlocks are interred in the family crypt
00:50:55beneath the castle where else
00:50:59I don't like this
00:51:06a rubber bat we keep them down here for atmosphere
00:51:23put it up ego hey what's that noise rubber rats no doubt
00:51:31no it's coming from inside the coffin muscular contractions not uncommon after death muscular
00:51:40contractions this guy's doing the chain found a workout in here allow me to assure you Marinus
00:51:46is dead you've assured me and I want to try convincing him as I was saying Marinus has taken his place with
00:51:55the rest of our family and now I await my turn to share their endless nights of eternal darkness
00:52:05it's a little like looking forward to Christmas in it now in accordance with your father's last wish
00:52:14we shall view the will you apparently Marinus videotaped his last will and testament I suppose you might call it the late show
00:52:23you know call me frivolous but you ever wonder what a nice Peruvian tile would look like in here
00:52:39hello I Marinus Orlach being of sound mind and in full possession of my mental faculties herewith declare my last will and testament but let this not be a somber occasion
00:53:06come on kiddies let's have some fun
00:53:10let's have some fun
00:53:12hey two ass will compete for a fortune in dance and prizes on the newly dead game
00:53:20and now here's your host for the newly dead game the late but irrepressible Marinus Orlach hey Marinus come on down
00:53:29thank you thank you thank you thank you friends on air but first let us meet our two contestants
00:53:47that's right Marinus she's a singer musician and composer living in Los Angeles California
00:53:51let's hear it for Marissa Orlach
00:53:54contestant number two currently resides in Transylvania
00:53:58his hobbies include stamp collecting leather craft and necrophilia
00:54:03ladies and gentlemen Byron Orlach
00:54:06now I know that Marissa and Byron are both in our viewing audience tonight
00:54:13so let's take a look at their wonderful prizes
00:54:19it's a castle
00:54:21yes it's Castle Orlach one of the most dreaded places on earth
00:54:24this stately matter comes complete with antique furnishings and an ancient family curse
00:54:29but wait that's not all you'll also receive this Swiss bank account
00:54:34total retail value of this wonderful prize seven and a half million dollars
00:54:39and now it's time for you right here in our studio audience to pick the winner with your applause
00:54:48ladies and gentlemen who will receive this fabulous estate
00:54:53is it to be contestant number one Marissa
00:54:59or will it be contestant number two
00:55:02and the winner is Marissa Orlach
00:55:11but no one walks away a loser
00:55:13Johnny tell Byron about his consolation prize
00:55:18it's a matching set of Transylvanian tourister luggage
00:55:21yes Byron you'll probably have to leave the castle now
00:55:24so here are the bags to send you on your way
00:55:27and everyone will receive a copy of our home game
00:55:31for playing with family and friends
00:55:34that's the newly dead game from Parker Bradley, Inc.
00:55:38and now on to our bonus round
00:55:42hidden somewhere in the castle
00:55:44some lucky viewer may find the book of Ulta
00:55:49is that a book?
00:55:51now let's take a look at our bonus prize clues
00:55:55if anyone in our viewing audience can solve the mystery clue
00:56:01the book of Ulta could be yours
00:56:06and that's all our time tonight on the newly dead game
00:56:12for now this is your host Marissa Orlach saying
00:56:16good night and goodbye kiddies
00:56:18oh Uncle Byron, I can tell you're upset
00:56:33congratulations my dear
00:56:36I know you'll be quite happy at Castle Orlach
00:56:40as long as you live
00:56:42I will have that...
00:56:49book
00:56:59he didn't take that very well did he?
00:57:02oh hell I don't even want this place
00:57:03Uncle Byron can have it
00:57:04I think he was a little more concerned about the book of Ulta
00:57:07then I'd say it's imperative you get your hands on that book before he does
00:57:12oh right
00:57:13I only have three little problems pal
00:57:16one, I don't know where it is
00:57:17two, I don't know where to look
00:57:18and three, I have no idea what that clue meant
00:57:21then perhaps we should ask someone
00:57:24who does
00:57:26Marinus Orlach himself
00:57:28the spirit world is trouble tonight
00:57:47this seance could be dangerous
00:57:49do you think we'll be able to reach my father?
00:57:50perhaps
00:57:52can't you feel it?
00:57:53death is nearby
00:57:55do we have to do this now?
00:57:57I think the night rates are lower
00:57:59everyone
00:58:00join hands
00:58:03with each other
00:58:07now everyone concentrate
00:58:10oh spirit world
00:58:12we reach out for you
00:58:13do you wish to receive us?
00:58:15if so
00:58:17give us
00:58:18some sort of sign
00:58:22I think that's a no
00:58:24maybe
00:58:25maybe
00:58:26but we must press on
00:58:28oh spirit world
00:58:30we seek audience with Marinus Orlach
00:58:32send us a guide that we may find him
00:58:38what's he doing?
00:58:40he's channeling
00:58:42wait a minute
00:58:44wrong channel
00:58:45oh
00:58:47this is ridiculous
00:58:48this is absolutely absurd
00:58:54doctor who have we reached?
00:58:55well it ain't Howard Hughes ma'am
00:58:57are you our guide to the spirit world?
00:58:59uh huh
00:59:01that's right sir
00:59:02just a couple of things I want to get out right up front
00:59:04speak spirit
00:59:05well first of all
00:59:06just found out all my money is still good up here
00:59:07so have RCA send all my back royalties to me
00:59:10and second
00:59:11tell them gumsuckers at the inquire that I really am dead
00:59:14they go through circulation
00:59:16wait a minute
00:59:18wait a minute
00:59:19I feel all the spirits a little stronger than the rest
00:59:22I'm fading away
00:59:24I'm fading away
00:59:25I can feel myself
00:59:26fading away
00:59:27and don't forget to keep buying my arms
00:59:29and now
00:59:31the end
00:59:37ladies and gentlemen
00:59:38Elvis has left the body
00:59:55hello
00:59:57Marissa
01:00:00Marissa
01:00:01Marissa are you okay?
01:00:02keep my way
01:00:04Marissa what's wrong?
01:00:05your mother is so sucks in hell
01:00:07my mother does what?
01:00:09she's obviously possessed
01:00:11you're right doc
01:00:13I haven't seen anything like this since they cancelled star search
01:00:27well
01:00:28that does it for this jacket
01:00:38cream the mint
01:00:40yeah
01:00:42Dexamonite are you alright?
01:00:44never felt better
01:00:46Marissa?
01:00:48Marissa?
01:00:49you okay?
01:00:50I am
01:00:52the lady Marissa
01:00:54her ancestor?
01:00:56what do you want with Marissa?
01:00:57Byron Orlok must not gain possession of that book
01:01:01I alone have the power to challenge him
01:01:04this body shall serve as my dwelling
01:01:07I think it's already occupied
01:01:09fall!
01:01:11you know not what horrors you face
01:01:14the evil one waits beyond
01:01:16beyond where?
01:01:18the evil one waits
01:01:22beyond
01:01:24quickly we must perform an emergency exorcism
01:01:26what?
01:01:27fortunately I took that in my first aid class
01:01:29and I wasted time on mouth to mouth
01:01:30there's hesitation
01:01:31hold it tightly lad
01:01:33evil spirit
01:01:34I cast you out
01:01:36be gone
01:01:37depart
01:01:38withdraw
01:01:39take off
01:01:40get lost
01:01:42Marissa?
01:01:44what happened?
01:01:45oh not much
01:01:46we just met another family member
01:01:47that's all
01:01:48I don't understand
01:01:49come Dexter she needs rest
01:01:51we could all use a little sleep
01:01:52sleep?
01:01:53in this place?
01:01:55it's all the same to you Jack
01:01:56I think I'll stay here and watch
01:01:57watch the rest of Carson
01:01:59ah it's getting a little weird
01:02:00a little strange
01:02:08what's going on up at that cursed castle?
01:02:10tell me that
01:02:11no one knows
01:02:13no one wants to know
01:02:14I want to know
01:02:16gentlemen
01:02:17gentlemen
01:02:18Byron Orlok is in that castle
01:02:20and he's brought death
01:02:21and destruction with him
01:02:22and he's brought death
01:02:23and destruction with him
01:02:24now Orlok can stay
01:02:25but death and destruction
01:02:27have got to go
01:02:28yeah
01:02:29god knows what unholy rites
01:02:31he's performing there
01:02:33meanwhile we sit here like sheep
01:02:35yeah
01:02:36all this evil must end
01:02:37yeah
01:02:38what do we do about it?
01:02:39let him go on with his black magic
01:02:40or send him back to the hell he came from
01:02:41yeah
01:02:42can you put that to a vote?
01:02:43oh why bother
01:02:44they're all in this together
01:02:45those Americans
01:02:46and that Van Helsing fellow
01:02:47I say we go up there
01:02:48destroy Byron Orlok
01:02:49burn down the castle
01:02:50and kill everyone inside
01:02:51yeah
01:02:52wait a minute
01:02:53I'd rather go up there
01:02:54destroy Byron Orlok
01:02:55but leave the castle intact
01:02:56no no no
01:03:09let's burn the castle
01:03:10kill everyone inside
01:03:11but let Byron Orlok be
01:03:13all right
01:03:14all right
01:03:15who's for destroying Byron Orlok?
01:03:17yeah
01:03:18right
01:03:19you are group one going to back there
01:03:20now
01:03:21who would like to burn down the castle?
01:03:23yeah
01:03:24yeah
01:03:25right
01:03:26group two over here
01:03:27and finally
01:03:28who would just like to kill everyone inside?
01:03:30yeah
01:03:31yeah
01:03:32yes yes
01:03:33you four stay right there
01:03:34what about you Hans?
01:03:36I'm still considering all me options
01:03:38oh come with us Hans
01:03:40think of the fun we'll have burning down the castle
01:03:43ha ha ha ha
01:03:44no
01:03:45come with us
01:03:46we're going to have more fun killing everyone inside
01:03:49I just don't know
01:03:51never mind
01:03:52never mind
01:03:53you make up your mind when you get there
01:03:55all right
01:03:57take torches
01:03:58weapons
01:03:59anything you can carry
01:04:01come on guys
01:04:03let's get a real lynch mob mentality going here
01:04:07are you
01:04:09with me?
01:04:10hey
01:04:13no
01:04:14no
01:04:15no
01:04:16no
01:04:17no
01:04:18no
01:04:19no
01:04:20no
01:04:21no
01:04:22no
01:04:23no
01:04:24no
01:04:25hey fellas
01:04:26wait up
01:04:27shut up
01:04:30they're all in their rooms
01:04:33They're all in their rooms
01:04:34or in their coffins
01:04:36or in their coffins
01:04:37or barry
01:04:38listen Marissa
01:04:39I have to find that book
01:04:40even if it means to reach for this castle from top to bottom
01:04:42this entire castle from top to bottom so you stay here oh no you're not leaving me behind i'm here
01:04:47with three homicidal cousins one lumbering butler and an uncle who turns off the television with a
01:04:52bazooka launcher yeah wheelie meet my relatives you ever consider the fact they're really trying
01:04:56to scare you yes and they're doing a fine job from now on we stick together and after this is
01:05:01over we stay together then is that it for possible i think it works a proposition
01:05:07do you want to hear something funny what i could really go for a guy like you you want to hear
01:05:12something funnier what i could really go for you you're right that is funnier
01:05:17so
01:05:19so
01:05:24so
01:05:28so
01:05:32so
01:05:36so
01:05:38so
01:05:42Trick or treat?
01:05:48Creature of evil, be gone!
01:05:51What are you, some kind of religious nut?
01:05:54Stand back, lest I cast your soul into eternal perdition.
01:05:58You're taking this whole thing far too seriously.
01:06:01Crucifex, it doesn't repel you?
01:06:04Not particularly.
01:06:06Besides, this whole thing is only a dream sequence.
01:06:10Dream sequence?
01:06:11Take my word for it, it's only a dream.
01:06:14You shouldn't have had those anchovies at dinner.
01:06:16Well, then I guess I'm in no immediate peril.
01:06:19Not exactly.
01:06:21You see, whatever happens in a dream could also be happening in real life.
01:06:26I see.
01:06:27Well, in that case...
01:06:29You're right. You're up to your neck in trouble.
01:06:41You see, Dianne, don't leave her on you.
01:06:47Oh...
01:06:48One could acquire a taste for this stuff.
01:07:18Is it just me, or are things getting weird?
01:07:22No, it's just you.
01:07:24Here, you hang on to these. I'll trip over the furniture for a while.
01:07:27Okay. Hey, what's behind this door?
01:07:30I think I'd rather have what's behind the curtain.
01:07:34Oh, my goodness! It looks just like...
01:07:37Yeah, 3-D!
01:07:40Wow, this is wild!
01:07:42Look, Dix!
01:07:43Put on your 3-D glasses now.
01:07:47Did you bring them?
01:07:47I thought you had them.
01:07:48I don't have them.
01:07:50Damn! Too bad. This could have been a great sequence.
01:07:53What kind of nutty family did I get myself born into?
01:07:56Oh, relax, will you?
01:08:09I'll flip you to see your faints first.
01:08:13You've played a good game, boy.
01:08:16Now your time has come.
01:08:20Marissa, duck!
01:08:21A swing and a miss on Dexter Ward.
01:08:32I'll tell you, it's a great night for a baseball game.
01:08:35I'm Stu Nahan, and we're here at the Castle Orlok.
01:08:37Now, Dexter's having a great year.
01:08:40He's hitting 498.
01:08:41I'll tell you, that's a big batting average.
01:08:43Four home runs, something like 49 RBIs and 16 stolen bases.
01:08:48All right, here's the wind-up.
01:08:52And the pitch.
01:08:54There's the deep drive going out to right field.
01:08:56Lubevsky going back.
01:08:57He's at the track.
01:08:58He's at the wall.
01:09:00My gosh, it's out of here!
01:09:01Forward, man!
01:09:17We must not falter in our purpose!
01:09:21What is it?
01:09:32It's seeing there's some sort of supernatural sphere
01:09:34or the damnedest Christmas ornament I've ever seen!
01:09:37Or, what'll we do now?
01:09:38Up, he's down!
01:09:39I'm down, he's out!
01:09:40Well, let's get up, up, and pull!
01:09:42Sure, but I can still help.
01:09:43Or, let's get the wee laddy up on his feet!
01:09:46Help me with his hands, hands!
01:09:47Which hands?
01:09:48His hands!
01:09:52There, no!
01:09:53There, no!
01:09:53Are you all right?
01:09:54Am I?
01:09:55Who am I?
01:09:56What film is this?
01:09:57Huff!
01:09:58He's coming, too!
01:09:59Oh, yes!
01:09:59I remember you!
01:10:01Hands off!
01:10:02If you say so.
01:10:06You know, maybe we should just call an eye.
01:10:08We've been through enough already.
01:10:09It's keeping me going as well, nervous energy.
01:10:12Hang on, son.
01:10:13We've looked upstairs, we've looked downstairs,
01:10:16we've looked everywhere, except...
01:10:17Wait a minute.
01:10:20That's it.
01:10:21That's gotta be it.
01:10:22Come on.
01:10:26What's it?
01:10:26What's gotta be it?
01:10:27Oh, look, look, she's been pointing the way the whole time!
01:10:29I don't see anything.
01:10:31Yeah, sure, look!
01:10:35Doorway to the crypt.
01:10:36Come on.
01:10:37It's gotta be here.
01:10:56Marissa?
01:10:58Marissa?
01:10:58Marissa?
01:10:59Let's go.
01:11:29He did take it with him, but where'd he go?
01:11:44Daddy will be so proud.
01:11:54Good luck be worth a lot of money right now.
01:12:15Ah, young man. From the first moment I did not recognize you, I knew you would lead us to this book.
01:12:22How can I ever repay you?
01:12:24U.S. currency, large unmarked bills, thank you.
01:12:27No, I'm afraid you'll never have the opportunity to spend it.
01:12:31That's reassuring. Why is that book so important to you anyway?
01:12:36I've been seeking this volume for nearly 50 years, but now, finally, it's mine.
01:12:47And what do you intend to do with it, huh?
01:12:50Contained within this volume are the mystic incantations, which can summon forth the evil one.
01:12:58Once again, the forces of darkness shall reign, complete and utter chaos.
01:13:06Why would you want to do that?
01:13:11Because I'm evil. Haven't you figured that out yet?
01:13:21Ben Helsing, you've got to stop him!
01:13:24There are several distinct advantages to being a vampire, dear boy.
01:13:32Oh, ancient evil one. Hear these mystic incantations. And come forth!
01:13:40I don't mind dying, but I hate the preliminaries.
01:13:55Fire on our luck!
01:13:57No!
01:14:05I don't mind dying, but I hate the preliminaries.
01:14:08Fire on our luck!
01:14:10No!
01:14:11Ah, Lady Marissa, you've come back. And in time for my greatest triumph.
01:14:26I came back to stop you, Byron. You started as a wicked child, grew to a malevolent young man, and now you're a vicious, vile adult.
01:14:36But you can't blame a guy for trying.
01:14:40I should have never sent you to that progressive school.
01:14:43But now it's finally time to take things in hand!
01:14:47And I have a few scores to settle with you, dear Arnold.
01:14:51Ben Helsing, what are you doing? You're supposed to be one of them!
01:14:54Just because you're a vampire, that doesn't make you a bad person.
01:14:58I have absolute power over the evil one.
01:15:01At last all mankind shall grovel at my feet, and even you, Lady Marissa, will bow and beg my mercy.
01:15:13You know, Byron, you're really starting to piss me off.
01:15:18Oh.
01:15:20Well adieu, then.
01:15:22Even...
01:15:24...to the death.
01:15:25Hey, Orlok!
01:15:35Hey, Orlok!
01:15:42Oh boy.
01:15:48Don't you know the devil always wins?
01:15:52Yes.
01:16:17You fools!
01:16:18I'll be back in part two!
01:16:32Dexter!
01:16:33What's going on here?
01:16:34Marissa!
01:16:35I was hoping you could tell me!
01:16:40Oh, that sound!
01:16:42It's horrible!
01:16:43Yeah, it's even worse than my song!
01:16:45Oh son!
01:16:47Look!
01:16:55Where is it?
01:17:01My God!
01:17:02It's the evil one.
01:17:03Come forth to conquer the world!
01:17:10Ben Helsing!
01:17:11What are we going to do?
01:17:12Don't ask me, dear fellow.
01:17:14Vampires I know.
01:17:15But this love crap stuff is out of my league.
01:17:26Marissa?
01:17:30Marissa?
01:17:31She's being possessed.
01:17:33Again?
01:17:34Yes.
01:17:34She's being repossessed.
01:17:37Sorry, folks.
01:17:38To save yourselves,
01:17:40you must destroy the Book of Ulthar.
01:17:43You're kidding.
01:17:44Destroy it.
01:17:45For this body we'll never put out for you.
01:17:48You got it, lady.
01:18:10Dexter, my good fellow.
01:18:23Are you all right?
01:18:25I think so.
01:18:26I sure could have used a stunt double, though.
01:18:28For a moment,
01:18:28we thought you weren't going to make it.
01:18:30You better get him back to the castle.
01:18:32I'll take care of things here.
01:18:33Hey, wait a minute, Doc.
01:18:34Doc, you're a vampire now.
01:18:36What are you going to do?
01:18:38Oh, they're not a bad sword, really.
01:18:40Mostly misunderstood.
01:18:42Besides, I always wanted to see
01:18:43how the other half lived,
01:18:45if that's the right word.
01:18:46Well, you two run along.
01:18:53Hmm.
01:18:55Maybe we can turn this place
01:18:56into a trailer park.
01:19:05What do you think?
01:19:05You think this is a good look for me?
01:19:06Oh, do you ever stop?
01:19:08Oh, come on, Miss Maris.
01:19:10Tomorrow's going to be great.
01:19:11Hey, things will look
01:19:12a lot differently in the morning.
01:19:13It's never morning around here.
01:19:15It's just one endless night.
01:19:20What's that?
01:19:21I don't believe this.
01:19:22It's the same everywhere.
01:19:23You missed one lousy payment
01:19:24and they shut the power off.
01:19:28Oh, dear.
01:19:31Daddy!
01:19:32Oh, Maris and my climate option.
01:19:35Oh, shame the mage came home.
01:19:38Then you weren't dead after, huh?
01:19:40No, my dear.
01:19:41I suffer from cataleptic spells
01:19:44which give the appearance of death.
01:19:47Why did you leave home
01:19:48without any word?
01:19:49A family legacy.
01:19:50It is the responsibility
01:19:52of the eldest child
01:19:54to guard the dimensional gateway
01:19:57on our land.
01:19:58Hey, come on now.
01:19:59All's well with Isabel, huh?
01:20:01I mean, the book's gone
01:20:02and so's old
01:20:03bald bearing head over there.
01:20:05Good riddance to bad rubbish.
01:20:07Daddy, a lot of strange things
01:20:08happen around here.
01:20:10Well, you'll get used to it.
01:20:12It is your responsibility now.
01:20:14As the eldest child,
01:20:17you are obliged to stay here
01:20:18and prevent access of the evil one.
01:20:22As for me,
01:20:23I'm gonna go trout fishing in Canada.
01:20:27Daddy, I have a career.
01:20:29Hmm?
01:20:29I've got a record album
01:20:30and a video due out
01:20:31by the end of the year.
01:20:32Hey!
01:20:33I got an idea.
01:20:37Why don't we put on a show
01:20:38right here?
01:20:40Sweetie,
01:20:41what's this guy?
01:20:42You don't want to know.
01:20:43I don't want to know.
01:20:44I don't want to know.
01:20:45Action!
01:20:53I heard your voice
01:20:55Thought it was a dream
01:20:57So many faces
01:20:59Don't know what's real
01:21:01I'm screaming in the night
01:21:04How can I know
01:21:06What's wrong or right
01:21:09Caught in the middle of
01:21:11Maybe you know
01:21:15Heart in the middle of
01:21:18Tell me,
01:21:23is it true
01:21:23none of us
01:21:24cast reflections in mirrors?
01:21:26Yes.
01:21:26It makes it a real bitch
01:21:28putting on makeup every night.
01:21:39What's that for?
01:21:40I wanted the movie
01:21:41to end with a bang.
01:21:42I think it's going to
01:21:46Turn to the left
01:21:52Put up the fight
01:21:54I'm upside down
01:21:56You know it's not right
01:21:59So crazy as it's all
01:22:01I'm hanging by my heart
01:22:03Which word to tell
01:22:05Heart in the middle of love
01:22:09Baby you know
01:22:12Heart in the middle of love
01:22:16Baby you know
01:22:20Heart in the middle of love
01:22:23How many times did I cry
01:22:29How many times did I cry
01:22:29I'm not funny
01:22:31No matter what I try
01:22:33Talk to me baby
01:22:35Say what I wanna hear
01:22:36Do what you will
01:22:38It's been in my ear
01:22:41I told you we should have
01:22:57Asked for instructions
01:22:58At that last Arco station
01:23:00Never mind
01:23:01Where are we?
01:23:02Somewhere between
01:23:02Omaha and Minsk
01:23:04And where is the
01:23:05Castle Orlach?
01:23:06According to this map
01:23:07We should be in the living room
01:23:09Right now
01:23:09Something is wrong here
01:23:11No wonder
01:23:12This is a map
01:23:14Of the Dominican Republic
01:23:16Oh
01:23:17Man
01:23:18I say we give up
01:23:20Forget everything
01:23:22And go home
01:23:24Or wait a minute
01:23:26I say we give up
01:23:27Forget everything
01:23:28But not go home
01:23:29No
01:23:30No
01:23:31We should forget everything
01:23:32Go home
01:23:33But never give up
01:23:35Or make it compromise
01:23:36We'll give up
01:23:37Go home
01:23:38But remember everything
01:23:40Can we put that to a boat?
01:23:41Come on
01:23:56Come on
01:23:56Oh
01:23:57Oh
01:23:58Oh
01:23:58Oh
01:23:59Oh
01:23:59Oh
01:24:00Oh
01:24:00Oh
01:24:02Oh
01:24:02Oh
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