2016 The Bet Full Hot Movie

Full English Movie

The Bet is a 2016 American comedy film directed by Ryan Ederer and written by Chris Jay and Aaron Goldberg. The film features appearances from several professional wrestlers and is also the final film of Roddy Piper.  Plot A loser in life and love, Denton Baker gets into a high stakes bet where he has one summer to find, and hook up with, every girl he had a crush on from 1st to 12th grade. If he succeeds, he can win back the company that his father, Mr. Baker had stolen from him by a former friend, Mr. Lucas. With the help of his well meaning but overzealous best friends, Jackson Price, Ed McDoogle and Wiggins, Denton sets out to win the bet, which becomes even more difficult when he falls in love with his 2nd grade crush, Amanda Morrison.

Transcript

00:00:00Balding Penguin

00:00:07Balding Penguin

00:00:10Reverse Egyptian suplex, reverse Egyptian suplex, he's going for the pin, one, two, three,

00:00:36yes, it's all over, what an absolute war that was, okay wrestling fans, it's time for the main event,

00:00:44after years of heartbreak, unfulfilled dreams, and shattered confidence, this young man will

00:00:49finally have one last shot at the world title, does he have any chance, if you ask this announcer,

00:00:57he's f***ed, dude, thanks for bogarting all these sweet wrestling DVDs from work, oh yeah dude,

00:01:03I'd rather you have them, seem to get thrown out when the store closes, oh, uh, keep in mind

00:01:10on dad tonight, he hasn't been the same since we moved in the garage, no problem, good luck

00:01:16on your date, maybe she'll let you sniff her, it's just dinner, dude, hey Mr. B, what you

00:01:27working on over there, completing the perfect woman, I look forward to meeting her, I already

00:01:38got started, I hope you don't mind, just need to get my drink on tonight, well I get, getting

00:01:45your drink on this evening, this is a really beautiful place you picked, I am starving, I'm

00:01:52taking a horse, that's funny, let's see, do they have horses, check, no, no, they have $30 soup though,

00:01:58so, I feel like I've been totally talking your face off about me, oh no, tell me more about you,

00:02:12I work at a video store, people store at movies, well no, actually that's kind of the problem,

00:02:21um, I don't know, I think it's kind of sad that people don't go to video stores anymore,

00:02:24it's kind of an Americana sort of thing, I don't know, I, going, Brandon, oh no, I'm Denton,

00:02:30Shaniqua, Danielle, holy shit, I don't care, come here, come here, you look amazing,

00:02:38thank you, okay, uh, Brandon, this is Denton, on a date with a real girl, good for you,

00:02:44buddy, it's just like a blind date sort of thing, it's gone bad, oh, I'm right here,

00:02:49I figured it was, hey, you know what, I made some improvements to the old, it's your June

00:02:52train, if you want to, uh, come, for like a ride, you know, maybe I'll argue a lot,

00:02:59that a girl, okay, so, thank you so much, this has been really great, and, um, yeah, good luck

00:03:05with the whole video store job thingy, okay, bye, thank you, thank you, I can't sell my drink,

00:03:14hey, Denton, I'm gonna be ready, Chief,

00:03:19it's all over, folks, he f***ed that one up,

00:03:25that was awesome, dad, come on, come on, let's go to bed, huh,

00:03:35come on, let's go to bed, oh, so, that was the big date, oh, it was not good, it was not,

00:03:48in fact, it was pretty terrible, well, life is a series of miserable dates, oh, oh, terrific,

00:03:59oh, my, I got one, Kendra McNulty,

00:04:08Kendra McNulty, she was fine, and she would have got that root,

00:04:15that was a goddamn ball, those f***s paid off the up again, all right, stat me, well, according to this,

00:04:22dyke piazza, you're 0-4 for the entire day, so it looks like all that money spent on glare protection

00:04:27is really working out for you, you bullsh**t, what the hell is this, oh, it's a list of all the

00:04:34hottest girls we went to school with, Kendra McNulty, please, you want to talk about fine

00:04:39middle school p***s, Haley Matthews, oh, yeah, Haley Matthews, yo, that was the first girl in our

00:04:47grade to have sex, right, oh, yeah, she sunk a f***ing clock on the eighth grade field trip,

00:04:51no, that was Mikey Milligan, how do you know, because I was sitting in between them,

00:04:56oof, I cannot believe you let her do a flyover, next time a girl tries to do that,

00:05:02in her pocket, if I could do it all over again, I would have a vault of Vatch to dive into,

00:05:06they would call me Scrooge McF***, I literally don't think anybody would ever call you that,

00:05:11a couple people might, you guys talking DuckTales, wait, apologies for getting you wet with a cartoon

00:05:17analogy, but can you please not interrupt serious conversations about, hey, Dem, what do you

00:05:22think, want to send another one of your ladies out here so we can end this and go home, I got hot

00:05:26yoga, oh, I'm dead, Wiggins, get up there and smash the ball down that motherfucker's throat,

00:05:32will do, coach, here we go, do it, Ken Spiffy Jr., mm, two for two,

00:05:41good hustle, good hustle, Wiggins, good hustle,

00:05:44dropping dimes Brandon, now Betty, Wiggins, come on dude, really, you're gonna text during the game,

00:05:50it's called sexting you f***ing nerd, oh yeah, is it prepaid, no, it's unlimited like your mom,

00:05:57right, shit, Jackson, you gotta chill dude, have you forgotten, when old man Lucas shuts down the

00:06:02video store, our team goes with it, look at that old f*** out there, rubbing our faces in his s***,

00:06:08our face is right in his s***, Eddie, honey, I just finished my workout, but I'm gonna go pick

00:06:14up a six pack, we're still watching the game tonight, right, absolutely baby, all right, see you

00:06:17tonight, love you, I would totally go big on your wife, strike three, going down swinging like your

00:06:26girlfriend on my d*** last night, joke's on you, I don't have a girlfriend, horribly embarrassing,

00:06:32bring it in, you guys suck dick, f*** you, f*** you, f*** you, f*** you, madam, f*** you,

00:06:37so what about her, always have, always well, oh, hey, you checking out my mom's ass perverts?

00:06:46Yeah, I thought that was your stepmom's ass, f*** you, Jackson, you f***ing Ewok, by the way,

00:06:52saw your game today, 0 for 4, nice, what's this, hand that to me,

00:07:00you're making a list of all the girls you wish you f*** in school, that's hilarious,

00:07:03because I have a list of the girls I did f*** in school, search your scene, it's a big f***ing

00:07:06list, hey, Denton could f*** every girl on that list, wait, wait, I'll let the band speak,

00:07:10I'm sorry, you think Denton can get through this whole list, every name, could you do that, Denton?

00:07:14Well, I didn't say anything, I maybe, oh, god, I smell a bet coming on,

00:07:18I wish any of you f***ers had anything of value, anything, I'd drain you for every penny,

00:07:23in the meantime, we get a train to catch, enjoy tickling each other's, ladies,

00:07:29Oh, p***,

00:07:30This place is jumping. How do you have any movies left?

00:07:48What's up guys? How you doing?

00:07:49Good. We're just doing some man stuff around the corner. Figured we'd stop by, say what's up.

00:07:54What's up?

00:07:55We still on for Taco Tuesdays?

00:07:57God, yes please.

00:07:59Nice. Any chance we can push that up a little bit? I have a training session tonight.

00:08:03A training sesh?

00:08:04Yeah. Short for session.

00:08:06Okay. Who are you training tonight?

00:08:08I haven't decided yet.

00:08:10Hi. Hey, how's it going?

00:08:12How's it going?

00:08:13Yeah.

00:08:15Why don't you smell that?

00:08:18Smell it.

00:08:20What does that smell like to you?

00:08:22Kind of like envelope glue?

00:08:24Smells like a sweaty asshole.

00:08:26Here, try this one.

00:08:28Dude, all of your movies smell like a fucking asshole.

00:08:33Smells like a bottle.

00:08:34Really?

00:08:35Now my player smells like a fucking asshole.

00:08:37You guys sitting on this shit?

00:08:39Delivery for Lucas Gourmet condoms.

00:08:43Uh, you know what, actually that goes across the street to the company over there.

00:08:48They're not getting stuff here until the end of the summer.

00:08:50Those fuckers are getting packages here already?

00:08:52I don't give two shits.

00:08:53This is what it says on the package.

00:08:55This is where I'm dropping it.

00:08:57Hey!

00:08:58Why don't you smell this thing?

00:09:00What does it smell like to you?

00:09:03Smells like wet, dirty assholes.

00:09:08What the fuck are you guys doing here?

00:09:10Didn't!

00:09:11What's up?

00:09:12Hi!

00:09:13Brr...

00:09:14Denise!

00:09:15That was close.

00:09:16You almost had it.

00:09:17Sorry, um, you guys are actually already having packages delivered to the video store.

00:09:18Ooh, sorry.

00:09:19Denise!

00:09:20Yeah.

00:09:21Oh, one sec.

00:09:22Uh-huh, okay.

00:09:23I'll send him back.

00:09:24Hey!

00:09:25Yes!

00:09:26Mr. Lucas wants to see you.

00:09:27He's in Brandon's office.

00:09:28Okay, just right around the corner.

00:09:29Oh, uh, how does he know I'm here?

00:09:30Because they're watching.

00:09:31And you have your Taco Tuesday with your friends later at La Cabana.

00:09:34How did you know that?

00:09:35Good luck with the old man.

00:09:36Okay?

00:09:37It'll be fine.

00:09:38Okay.

00:09:39It'll be fine.

00:09:40Oh, sorry.

00:09:41Oh, sorry.

00:09:42Yeah.

00:09:43Oh, one sec.

00:09:44Uh-huh, okay.

00:09:45I'll send him back.

00:09:46Hey!

00:09:47Yes!

00:09:48Mr. Lucas wants to see you.

00:09:49He's in Brandon's office.

00:09:50Okay, just right around the corner.

00:09:51Oh, uh, how does he know I'm here?

00:09:52Because they're watching.

00:09:53And you have your Taco Tuesday with your friends later at La Cabana.

00:09:55How did you know that?

00:09:56It's supposed to taste good not to prevent herpes or anything.

00:10:01Hey!

00:10:02Denton!

00:10:03What's up, man?

00:10:04Oh, I meant to say congratulations on f***ing Danielle.

00:10:06That's awesome.

00:10:07Oh, I didn't...

00:10:08I didn't...

00:10:09I'm sorry.

00:10:10No, no, no.

00:10:11That was me.

00:10:12I f***ed twice.

00:10:13We filmed it, actually.

00:10:14Uh, what was the movie called?

00:10:15Oh, uh, The Great Train Blowjobbery.

00:10:16Give me all your cunny bits!

00:10:17Uh, did Danielle know that you were filming her?

00:10:20What are you f***ing stupid?

00:10:21Like we asked permission to film her?

00:10:23Train porno.

00:10:24It's the world's fastest growing fetish.

00:10:26We're the Lucas and Serge burger of the genre.

00:10:28Shaghart Express.

00:10:29Missionary Possible.

00:10:30Me Hard on the Orient Express.

00:10:31Uh, Trains, Planes, and Cock is your meal.

00:10:33F***ing classics, bro.

00:10:34Amen, sister.

00:10:35Tell him Mr. Lucas said, f*** you.

00:10:36Didn't.

00:10:37I just came by.

00:10:38It's a big day, man.

00:10:39After my groundbreaking career in the flavored jimmy biz, I'll be retiring at the end of

00:10:42the summer.

00:10:43So Brandon's your new point person in regards to the takeover.

00:10:44Now I want my product in that bullshit video store within 90 days.

00:10:48Yes, sir.

00:10:49We've started our move out and we will be out on time.

00:10:52You damn well better.

00:10:53You know, you should've just closed that shithole today.

00:10:55I mean, what the hell have you wasted your whole damn life for in there?

00:10:59Well, um, it means something to me, sir.

00:11:00I can remember all of the best times growing up going to that video store.

00:11:01I made all my best friends there.

00:11:02And I know people don't rent at a video store anymore.

00:11:07I know that's kind of

00:11:24kind of the best time that I've ever run.

00:11:28That's kind of in the past, but it's made me who I am.

00:11:35A huge pussy.

00:11:36Oh, shit.

00:11:37You don't win the low, dawg, right?

00:11:38We don't know about you.

00:11:40All right, all right, son, you're either a born loser or a winner.

00:11:46Take Brandon here.

00:11:48The day his mama shit him out of her joke, God rest her, so he hit the ground in the winter.

00:11:55Now, Sergio, another hand.

00:11:57I'm a real fuck up.

00:11:58Well, let me tell you what success is.

00:12:04You see, I wake up in the morning, I slam me down a Red Bull and some vodka, go clubbing

00:12:11with some young Pung, take me some Biagis, and at the end of the night, I squeeze me some

00:12:17of the finest little young Tatas money can buy.

00:12:22They're very big.

00:12:23You see, I can smell success.

00:12:26Just like the old man on a friggin' whiff of it on you.

00:12:36You know what?

00:12:38If he's your old man, that's barbecue flavor, that's his favorite.

00:12:44Give him something.

00:12:46Anything.

00:12:47Hey, as far as you two, don't forget, promotional party tonight, Peppermint C-Prom, first lap dances

00:12:55on me.

00:12:55Yeah, daddy.

00:12:57The second lap dances on me, too.

00:13:01Honey, it's one o'clock.

00:13:03It's time for our couple's mani-pedi.

00:13:05Hi, daddy.

00:13:07Hi, Kirsten.

00:13:08Hey, it's Mrs. Lucas to you.

00:13:12Mani-pedi-hadi, here we go.

00:13:14Woo!

00:13:16Whoa, whoa, whoa, Baker.

00:13:18Where the fuck do you think you're going?

00:13:19Sit down.

00:13:20Um, are you-are you done being mean to me?

00:13:24I've got a present for you.

00:13:29It's a go, bitch.

00:13:30You tell your little bub buddies over there at that stupid video store that the CEO of

00:13:34Lucas's gourmet condom signed off on everything.

00:13:37Rosenberg's drew it up in, uh, legal.

00:13:38He's a Jew, so I assume it's binding and everything.

00:13:41You know?

00:13:41I'm gonna watch you fail, and I'm gonna love every second of it.

00:13:45Every.

00:13:46Damn.

00:13:48Second.

00:13:48Of it.

00:13:54Is that-did you-can I-go now?

00:13:56Get the fuck out of here.

00:13:58Let the games begin!

00:14:01Cock-smoke!

00:14:02Better.

00:14:03Fuck.

00:14:09What the hell was this?

00:14:12There he is!

00:14:14That, you lucky motherfucker, is a legal and binding document.

00:14:17That's right, me and Jackson sat down with Lucas's legal team this morning and hammered

00:14:20out all the details.

00:14:21I have to sleep with twelve girls this summer or the Lucas's get my house?

00:14:25Well, you're renting out your house.

00:14:28To that asshole bub.

00:14:29Technically, so you live in the garage.

00:14:31What are you guys lawyers now?

00:14:32Huh?

00:14:32Well, I actually had a lawyer look over the details.

00:14:40Hello, officers of Charles McD.

00:14:42And he may or may not be my uncle.

00:14:45Uh, kind of contract.

00:14:47Um, uh, yeah, yeah, you're good, man.

00:14:53You're good.

00:14:54But don't worry, man.

00:14:55We did all the legwork for you.

00:14:56Oh, my God.

00:15:02That, my friend, is nine of your school crushes.

00:15:06You actually picked out most of them yourself.

00:15:09Wait, what are the two empty slots for?

00:15:11Oh, you get to pick the two wildcard bitches.

00:15:14That's right.

00:15:15As long as we can prove you went to school with them, you can decide whoever you want.

00:15:18Well, now I think it's time for a celebratory shake.

00:15:21Gentlemen.

00:15:21I'm 100% all right.

00:15:23Thanks, though.

00:15:25What the fuck's going on here?

00:15:27Sorry, Bob.

00:15:28Sorry is right, you sorry motherfuckers.

00:15:30What's those white bitches doing on the wall?

00:15:33Oh, these are all the girls that didn't went to school with.

00:15:35Yeah, he's gonna fuck them.

00:15:37He's gonna fuck them?

00:15:37That guy is gonna fuck them?

00:15:39He's gonna get fucked.

00:15:40You don't necessarily have to sleep with them.

00:15:42Oh, no.

00:15:43You just gotta bust a fat.

00:15:44It doesn't matter how.

00:15:45Uh, handy, beach, missionary.

00:15:48Old country, doggy, bukkake.

00:15:51Gangbang, facial, 69.

00:15:53Come dump truck, shitty kitty.

00:15:55Oh, I like that one.

00:15:56Shitty kitty.

00:15:57Shitty kitty.

00:15:58Siberian jizz-sicle.

00:15:59You know what I like?

00:16:00F***ing Nigerian cocksicle.

00:16:02That's what I like.

00:16:03To drill the shit out your big dry f***ing asses.

00:16:06Bye, Bob.

00:16:07Good job.

00:16:07Thanks.

00:16:09That's right.

00:16:10We just need to have solid evidence of each hookup.

00:16:12Guys, I can't do this.

00:16:13This is your chance, D.

00:16:15Your biological conch is ticking, man.

00:16:17Dude, if you do this, you get 100% of the Lucas Gourmet Condom Company.

00:16:22You get everything.

00:16:23All associated properties and holdings.

00:16:25The video store stays open, and we can still play ball.

00:16:29You can't lose the team, D.

00:16:32Jackson might kill himself.

00:16:34And after what Mr. Lucas did to your dad.

00:16:40Think about it.

00:16:40Yeah.

00:16:42Hey, champ.

00:16:52Oh, hey, Mr. Blosky.

00:16:54How you doing?

00:16:54You kidding?

00:16:55Hi.

00:16:56Is, uh, is your dad home?

00:16:58Nope.

00:16:59Don't think he's...

00:17:00No.

00:17:01Uh, is everything okay?

00:17:03No.

00:17:04No.

00:17:05Your dad's been, uh...

00:17:07He's been stealing my son's Legos.

00:17:09What?

00:17:12Are you sure?

00:17:13I've been picking him up all day.

00:17:15Legos.

00:17:16From my house to your house.

00:17:19He's, uh, he's had a rough go of it.

00:17:22Well, I think he's getting worse.

00:17:33Okay.

00:17:34Maybe those assholes are right.

00:17:42Fuck yeah, we are.

00:17:44Get up, man.

00:17:45We got chicks to do.

00:17:47What is Scott Quaker doing up there?

00:17:50You're gonna laugh at this.

00:17:52He's actually one of your dates.

00:17:54No!

00:17:55Okay, look.

00:17:56For two of the dates, you only have to kiss.

00:17:58It's supposed to be 12 girls.

00:18:00You and Snot Shaker were inseparable in the third grade.

00:18:03Everybody knows you had a crush on him.

00:18:04Lucas wouldn't budge.

00:18:05I didn't have a crush on him.

00:18:07Listen, guys didn't even like girls in the third grade.

00:18:09I love p***y in the third grade.

00:18:11Ask Wiggins.

00:18:12Yeah, it's pretty gross.

00:18:14Here's the dossier for your first date.

00:18:15We picked the sluttiest one first.

00:18:17Seventh grade.

00:18:18Hayley Matthews?

00:18:19I haven't even talked to her in, like, 15 years.

00:18:22Surprise again!

00:18:23You've actually been talking to her all day, online.

00:18:26We told you to ride a Harley, though, because she's into bad boys.

00:18:29You sold me as a bad boy to Hayley Matthews?

00:18:32How am I actually going to impress a girl like that?

00:18:34This Denton clearly isn't doing the trick.

00:18:37Fuck no.

00:18:38But, I mean, what's wrong with me?

00:18:40I'm fine, right?

00:18:41Okay, I guess I'll start.

00:18:43You don't put any product in your hair?

00:18:47You're always talking about bands that no one's ever heard of?

00:18:49Like, I'm sorry, guys, but who the f*** is Black Sabbath?

00:18:53Yeah, man.

00:18:54You live in a garage.

00:18:56Wiggins, you live in a garage with me.

00:18:59Oh, yeah.

00:19:01You're going to have to shave your shaft.

00:19:04Your taint.

00:19:05Your grundle.

00:19:06Your satchel page, man.

00:19:07You've got to be as bald as a Scandinavian turtle.

00:19:10It's going to f***ing shine.

00:19:11I've got to see my face in your right nut, man.

00:19:13Look, I'm dressed like a Crip stepfather right now.

00:19:17Does it matter?

00:19:18No.

00:19:19Because I'm confident.

00:19:21You've got to be confident in who you are.

00:19:22Or, in this case, who you are not.

00:19:30Look, man.

00:19:32I get it.

00:19:33You're in a rut.

00:19:36Are you going to do something about it?

00:19:38If you're not going to do it for you?

00:19:48All right, let's do it.

00:19:50Fuck yeah.

00:19:51Fuck yeah.

00:20:07Hi.

00:20:08I'm sorry.

00:20:10Is this 264 Pacific?

00:20:12Tintin.

00:20:13Hey, girly, what's your name?

00:20:15Ass so fab, but that way's so framish.

00:20:18It's all goody as long as I get a woody.

00:20:20You can backpack with your neck, oh, baby.

00:20:22In plan davis.

00:20:23Hi.

00:20:24Hailey.

00:20:25He looks so great.

00:20:26You look...

00:20:28I can't tell.

00:20:29I know, right?

00:20:30I mean, who would have thought?

00:20:31Not me.

00:20:36Where's your Harley?

00:20:37Uh, yeah, it's, uh, it's in the shop.

00:20:40No.

00:20:41Seat's...

00:20:41Seat's broken.

00:20:43Oh, well, we're all ready to go.

00:20:46We?

00:20:46Let me tell you what you're nothing when

00:20:59You give all your friends a standing invitation

00:21:03La, la, la

00:21:04I got a loft on, damn down

00:21:09He used to be mine

00:21:12There's nothing but noise and grain

00:21:14People sleeping everywhere

00:21:17Gotta get my thing down

00:21:20Slimming on coats of beer

00:21:23The weather comes every day

00:21:26We're all in rocks tonight, baby!

00:21:31My therapist thought it would be a good idea if I had a major life change

00:21:45So here I am

00:21:46Wow, this is a big one

00:21:49Yeah, I started a pretty sweet softball team with my buddies

00:21:57My dad's building a woman out of Legos

00:22:02Um, I sell my sperm out of Sperm Bank

00:22:07I thought you were a cage fighter

00:22:09Uh, yeah, I, here's the interesting part of the story

00:22:16Well, um, the best part of the story is coming right now

00:22:20I was living in this, uh, apartment

00:22:22And there was this, uh, old Asian

00:22:25Handyman who taught me to

00:22:28To, uh, paint

00:22:30Fences and, and, and, and, and wash cars

00:22:34Stuff like that

00:22:35So, um, but I, you know what?

00:22:41I was like, this sucks

00:22:43Being a teen

00:22:45With, with problems and no direction

00:22:47This is not the life I want

00:22:49But, you know, turns out he was a martial arts master

00:22:52And he taught me a few things

00:22:54He was a, uh, blonde kid with feathered hair

00:22:57Gave me a rash of shit

00:22:58And I was like

00:22:59Let's enter a tournament together

00:23:00Of karate

00:23:02And I, I crank kicked him

00:23:04In the face

00:23:06And that sort of thing just, you know

00:23:09Naturally leads to cage fighting

00:23:11That's so cool

00:23:13Yeah

00:23:14What's your finishing move?

00:23:16Hmm?

00:23:17Finishing, finishing move is the

00:23:19Head butt

00:23:21To the nuts

00:23:24Yeah

00:23:25Get a handful of those nards

00:23:27And I just

00:23:27Boom, boom, boom, boom

00:23:29Six or seven times

00:23:30Wow

00:23:31So, um

00:23:34You have a girlfriend or a wife or something?

00:23:38Nah, I don't need the ag, you know

00:23:40Yeah

00:23:40Yeah, it's just my

00:23:42Chopper

00:23:43Cage

00:23:45And tats

00:23:46Tattoos?

00:23:48Yep

00:23:48Yep, yeah, it's a full back piece

00:23:50Yeah

00:23:51Hours of work

00:23:52It's a Yakuza tattoo

00:23:53Yeah, but

00:23:54Yeah, but

00:23:54Instead of a

00:23:55Samurai

00:23:56It's Arnold Schwarzenegger

00:23:57Squat thrusting

00:24:00Mars

00:24:02Oh

00:24:03I've got to see that

00:24:05No, I can't, baby

00:24:07No, I can't do it

00:24:08What?

00:24:08Yeah, it melted off in the explosion

00:24:10When I was escaping the state pen

00:24:12Oh my god

00:24:13That is so

00:24:16Oh

00:24:16Yeah

00:24:17Yeah

00:24:18Oh

00:24:19What?

00:24:22The sisters warned me this could happen

00:24:24What?

00:24:26What could happen?

00:24:31Sisters

00:24:32I will never forget

00:24:36The time we've spent together

00:24:38Your life lessons and blessings will stay with me

00:24:42All the days of my life

00:24:44Unfortunately

00:24:45The exorcism

00:24:47Performed on my devil

00:24:49Puss

00:24:49Has failed

00:24:51I want you to f**k me

00:24:56Till I tap out

00:24:57Holy

00:24:58Shit

00:24:59Hallelujah

00:25:00Hallelujah

00:25:02Ow, ow

00:25:05Your knee's on my neck

00:25:06Oh, sorry

00:25:18Eleven to go, boys

00:25:20Yes

00:25:21Nice

00:25:22Nice

00:25:22Details

00:25:23Details

00:25:24It was unreal

00:25:25She did, like, porno stuff

00:25:27Oh, of course

00:25:28Butthole?

00:25:29Uh-huh

00:25:30Yours?

00:25:32Uh-huh

00:25:34Ha!

00:25:35Butthole, butthole, butthole, butthole, butthole, butthole, butthole, butthole, butthole, yeah!

00:25:42Ah!

00:25:43Ow!

00:25:44It's everywhere!

00:25:45Ah!

00:25:46I would tongue kiss Leo DiCaprio

00:25:48What are you saying?

00:25:49He has supple lips?

00:25:50It's possible

00:25:51That's not the same

00:25:52That's not the same

00:25:52I think he should keep it

00:25:53I think he should keep it

00:25:54Dick!

00:25:55Straight up now tell me, did you really f**k claptrap Matthews?

00:25:58That's disgusting

00:26:00I hope you double bagged it, man

00:26:01But, because I'm a gentleman and a scholar

00:26:03Got you a little present

00:26:05Rain jimmies on this bitch

00:26:07No, come on, just stop it

00:26:09Stop it!

00:26:10Hey, grab this, I want to keep it

00:26:12Hashtag blessed

00:26:15Hashtag clean these up, you f**king idiot

00:26:18Wiggins, hand me a condo

00:26:24Brussels sprouts or Thai sweet chili?

00:26:29Thai sweet chili

00:26:33All right, guys, let's go through beyond that scenery

00:26:41For Destiny

00:26:43Welcome to church, gentlemen

00:26:45Oh, remember, Ed said, uh, smart girls want to be hot

00:26:51And hot girls want to be smart

00:26:53F**k does Ed know, he's home with his wife

00:26:56You must be really good at math to be able to count up all those ones

00:27:12Oh, yeah, I guess

00:27:14I mean, it can be really hard to keep track of

00:27:17Especially if people throw in fives when they really like me

00:27:20That's a valid point

00:27:22Did you want to get a lap dance?

00:27:24They're two for one right now

00:27:26That means that you get two lap dances

00:27:29But you only pay for one

00:27:30Wow, you are good at math

00:27:33That's, I would, I would love one

00:27:35Two

00:27:36I'm in love with the stripper with a dollar in her butt

00:27:40A dollar in her what?

00:27:50I've just received news from the other side

00:27:53Oh

00:27:54The Dark Lord has special instructions for us

00:27:57Oh, how's he doing?

00:28:01He's well

00:28:02And says thank you for asking

00:28:04Oh, you're welcome

00:28:06You're welcome

00:28:08I'm, I'm

00:28:12I'm getting a message from the Dark Lord himself

00:28:15Right now

00:28:16What news does he bring?

00:28:17Shh

00:28:17He says that we should

00:28:23Consummate

00:28:25Our unholy triest on this

00:28:27On hallowed ground this very eve

00:28:29He does?

00:28:32Mm-hmm, yes, yes he does

00:28:34Then you must be the chosen one

00:28:38I am, I'm totally that guy

00:28:40Then we must commence this ritual immediately

00:28:43Okay

00:28:44Here, put this on

00:28:45The neighbors are always complaining about the noise

00:28:48It'll just take a minute

00:28:49Oh, don't worry

00:28:56See, it only hurts a little bit

00:28:58It only hurts a little bit

00:28:59Oh, no sky

00:29:08Noky

00:29:11Oh, no

00:29:15Oh, no

00:29:20Oh, no

00:29:24Are you ready?

00:29:42Are you ready?

00:29:54Are you ready?

00:30:08No!

00:30:10No!

00:30:12No!

00:30:14No!

00:30:16Come on!

00:30:18Come on!

00:30:20He's gonna get it!

00:30:22He's gonna get it!

00:30:24He's gonna get it!

00:30:26Hey, hey, Kieran!

00:30:36That's a big dragon, huh?

00:30:38He's a big sharp teeth.

00:30:40What does he say?

00:30:42Wah!

00:30:46Excuse me, sir? Can I help you with something?

00:30:48Oh, no, I'm just checking out this hot chick.

00:30:52Oh, you know what? No, no, I love kids!

00:30:54I don't love... they...

00:30:56Shhh...

00:30:58Hey!

00:31:00Hi!

00:31:02Oh my god!

00:31:04Denton? Oh my god! Denton Baker?

00:31:06From Abrams Elementary, right?

00:31:08Yeah!

00:31:10Random Morrison!

00:31:12Wow, you got tall!

00:31:14You're... you're big!

00:31:16Uh...

00:31:18God, that is crazy.

00:31:20I can't believe you still hang out with those guys.

00:31:22What is Jackson up to?

00:31:24Uh, Jackson thinks he's a personal trainer.

00:31:28Like, wait, what?

00:31:30Yeah.

00:31:31He got in shape?

00:31:32No. No, he did not.

00:31:34He just, uh, he works the graveyard shift

00:31:36at the 24-hour gym.

00:31:37So, like, one person comes in and he's like,

00:31:39Oh, I'm personally training you.

00:31:41Okay, that makes more sense.

00:31:42Yeah.

00:31:44What about you?

00:31:45What have you been up to?

00:31:46Where are you working now?

00:31:47Um, I, uh...

00:31:49I, I got into, uh, cage fighting.

00:31:52Really? Cage?

00:31:53Mm-hmm.

00:31:54Like, like...

00:31:55No, you don't.

00:31:58Seriously, where are you working?

00:32:00Uh...

00:32:01Actually, I'm in the movie business.

00:32:03That's even worse than cage fighting!

00:32:05Yeah, well...

00:32:06It's kinda true.

00:32:07I, I still work at, uh, Video Fun Time.

00:32:10Really?

00:32:11Still?

00:32:12Yeah.

00:32:13Well, not for much longer, actually,

00:32:15because the Lucases bought out the building.

00:32:17For their gourmet condom business.

00:32:21That is...

00:32:22That's disgusting.

00:32:23Yeah.

00:32:26Um...

00:32:27Well, this is me.

00:32:28So, um...

00:32:30Super cool.

00:32:32Bumpin' into you, Denton.

00:32:34Uh, you know what?

00:32:36W-would you want to continue this conversation sometime?

00:32:39Nope.

00:32:43Is that a...

00:32:44What is...

00:32:45Yes!

00:32:46Oh, okay.

00:32:47Yeah, I would love to catch up some more.

00:32:48Cool, cool.

00:32:49Uh, how, how, how's eight tonight?

00:32:51Is that...

00:32:52Uh, yeah!

00:32:53Sure!

00:32:54We can, um...

00:32:55We can get that cup of coffee.

00:32:57Cool.

00:32:59Here, let me, um...

00:33:07Meet me here.

00:33:10Stop lookin' at my c***, man.

00:33:13I'm not.

00:33:14You're peein' on the bathroom side.

00:33:16I'm doin' dishes on the right side.

00:33:19Where the f*** have you been?

00:33:20Well, I'm sorry, Schwarzkopf.

00:33:22I was busy playing stalker at the daycare.

00:33:24In fact, I'm lucky I didn't get arrested.

00:33:26Oh, yeah, that Morrison chick.

00:33:27How's she lookin' nowadays?

00:33:29Ah, great.

00:33:30Yeah, she seems really cool, too.

00:33:32Yeah?

00:33:33How'd you hit that?

00:33:34H-J?

00:33:35No.

00:33:36I did not.

00:33:37You know, B-J?

00:33:39F-J?

00:33:40Did you get one of those F-Js in there?

00:33:41I did not get it.

00:33:42I didn't get an F-J.

00:33:43I didn't have quite the time that I needed.

00:33:45I couldn't close the deal.

00:33:46But right now, I'm actually going to see Amanda.

00:33:48Wait, but this is a mandatory meeting.

00:33:49You can do this one without me.

00:33:51I swear to God, you're doing amazing work.

00:33:52Goodbye!

00:33:53Ken, remember, to be the man, you have to beat off the man.

00:33:56It's beat the man.

00:33:58If you want to be the man, you have to beat the man.

00:34:00You don't want to beat him off.

00:34:03Yeah.

00:34:06But do you remember that story that you got up in front of the entire second grade class and you read it out loud to everybody?

00:34:11Yeah.

00:34:12Wow, I can't believe you remember that.

00:34:14Of course I do.

00:34:15Donny the Lucky Donkey.

00:34:17Actually, it was Donny the Down on his Luck Donkey.

00:34:22Yeah.

00:34:24How did you never get married?

00:34:26Well, my dad was in the Coast Guard, so we moved around a lot when I was a kid.

00:34:29And then, I guess after I got my teaching degree, I carried on the family tradition.

00:34:34So you're saying you're a gypsy?

00:34:36No, I'm not a gypsy.

00:34:37Sounds like what a gypsy would say.

00:34:39No, my girlfriends are all getting married and having kids.

00:34:43And I'm just happy that I finally found a place to settle down and write.

00:34:46Oh, you're a writer?

00:34:48Well, I'm writing a book.

00:34:50It's a self-help book about how parents aren't really instilling enough self-confidence in their kids

00:34:57and the effect that it has on them later on in their adult lives.

00:35:01What about you?

00:35:02It's hard to go out and date when you're living in a garage with your dad.

00:35:07Oh, that's hysterical.

00:35:12Oh, God, you're really serious.

00:35:15Uh, kind of.

00:35:17How did that happen?

00:35:18God, I thought your dad was a successful inventor.

00:35:21Well, he was until his greatest invention was stolen out from right underneath him.

00:35:26What was it?

00:35:27Gourmet condom?

00:35:29No.

00:35:30Mm-hmm.

00:35:31Wait, how did your dad even come up with the idea for a gourmet condom in the first place?

00:35:35I don't want to do this.

00:35:37See, we're having coffee.

00:35:38It's a really wonderful time.

00:35:39I don't want to screw it.

00:35:40Oh, come on!

00:35:41I can't go back.

00:35:42You know, once I say it, it can't be unsaid.

00:35:44I dare you.

00:35:45Bring it on.

00:35:46Let's go.

00:35:47Gross me out.

00:35:48Well, before I was born, my parents went on this kind of zany, wacky diet where they couldn't eat anything after midnight.

00:35:53My mom goes off to the other room to put on something a little more comfortable.

00:35:57My dad, seeing this as an opportunity to cheat on the diet, grabs barbecue chicken wing and starts mowing down on him.

00:36:03Afray of all this, he gets the chicken drippings all over his junk.

00:36:10My mom sneaks in, surprised the hell out of him.

00:36:13Philip, you taste delicious.

00:36:16His wheels started turning and the rest is history.

00:36:19My dad doesn't know how to balance a checkbook, let alone run a company, so Mr. Lucas offers his help.

00:36:24In the interim, my mom gets sick.

00:36:26Lucas says, you know what, don't worry about it.

00:36:29While you're gone, I will get this business started and running.

00:36:32So we're watching TV a couple weeks later.

00:36:34There's an ad for Lucas's gourmet condoms.

00:36:38Didn't you guys get a lawyer? Anything?

00:36:40We got a lawyer. We tried to do all that, but my dad didn't have any copyrights.

00:36:43He didn't have any proof, like solid evidence.

00:36:45From then on, it's just been this, uh, downward spiral.

00:36:49Oh my God, that is so fucked up.

00:36:52But you know what? This actually would make a really great example for my book.

00:36:57Hear me out. Your complete and utter lack of self-confidence has led you to be not only jobless, but homeless and girl-less as well.

00:37:07Oh my God, thank you!

00:37:09No, seriously!

00:37:11The only thing that you are lacking is testicular fortitude.

00:37:15What are you talking about?

00:37:16Balls, Denton!

00:37:18Look, I am, I am, I'm very confident.

00:37:22Really?

00:37:23Uh, oh, oh, hi, I'm Denton.

00:37:26Would you maybe, like, wanna, I don't know, go on a coffee date with me?

00:37:30Even though all I'm gonna do is drink peppermint tea.

00:37:32That was a C-minus impression at best.

00:37:35Oh, really? What is this pussy-ass drink?

00:37:38It's filled with antioxidants and fights cervical cancer.

00:37:42So you look kinda dumb right now.

00:37:44Look, this is gonna be the summer that I change your life.

00:37:48And I get to document it in my book.

00:37:51Help, I have the balls of an eight-year-old.

00:37:54Elegant, yet sexy.

00:37:56I'm gonna go to the bathroom. You think about it. I'll be back.

00:38:00Scream that title again? What was it?

00:38:02Shut up!

00:38:03Denton!

00:38:04Denton!

00:38:05No! You're my fucking hero, man.

00:38:07It's been an honor watching you point your kill tonight.

00:38:10Uh...

00:38:11I know you're gonna fuck these hot bitches.

00:38:13Mmm.

00:38:14Shhh.

00:38:15How? How do you know about that?

00:38:17Sensei Jackson didn't tell you about me?

00:38:19I'm his star pupil, man.

00:38:21Remember a couple years back when that guy had to be cut out of his house?

00:38:25Yeah.

00:38:26That was me.

00:38:27I weighed 750 fucking pounds.

00:38:30I had to prop my titties up on a towel rack just to dry them off.

00:38:34That's about when Sensei Jackson found me.

00:38:36He put me on a grueling training reg.

00:38:39He had me sucking on his sweet, delicious power shakes.

00:38:44He fucking saved my life, man.

00:38:46The dude is a saint.

00:38:47Hey, you autographed me.

00:38:49Go!

00:38:50Hey!

00:38:51Uh...

00:38:52Want to get out of here?

00:38:55Yes.

00:38:56Let's.

00:38:58Hope you two had a great night!

00:39:01You're the shit, dude!

00:39:03The shit!

00:39:04Free video.

00:39:05Free video.

00:39:06Free video.

00:39:07Free video.

00:39:08Free video.

00:39:09Wiggins.

00:39:10Wiggins.

00:39:11Wiggins.

00:39:12Who's that for?

00:39:13Me.

00:39:14Free video.

00:39:15Free video.

00:39:16You work here.

00:39:17Why would you...

00:39:18D-Man!

00:39:19What's up, dog?

00:39:20Hi!

00:39:21Hello.

00:39:22Let me see if you're my bro.

00:39:24So, uh, new release day.

00:39:25Talk to me.

00:39:26Any new jizz flicks drop?

00:39:28Everything new is in the back, Scott.

00:39:30Alright, sweet.

00:39:31I'll be back in a sec.

00:39:33Cause it only takes me a minute to sin it.

00:39:35You remember now.

00:39:36Come on.

00:39:37He seems like a power top.

00:39:39You into that?

00:39:40Wiggins.

00:39:41Dude, I'm not.

00:39:42Fucking the dude, dude.

00:39:43Okay, well first of all, if you did,

00:39:45I'm a good enough friend that I wouldn't tell anybody.

00:39:47Second of all, all you have to do is give him a little bit of tongue,

00:39:49and just slip it through.

00:39:50I'm not gonna do it, man.

00:39:51I don't care.

00:39:52Jackson's gonna have to figure this out.

00:39:54I'm not gonna do it.

00:39:55I'll lose the whole bet.

00:39:56I don't care.

00:39:57Hey, what bet you boys talking about?

00:39:58Nothing.

00:39:59Nothing.

00:40:00Alright, fuck it.

00:40:01Well, I got my MMA.

00:40:02I got my porno.

00:40:03I'm ready to jack and jack off right there.

00:40:05You know, hit me.

00:40:06That's pretty literal.

00:40:08Okay, we got Ben Hur.

00:40:10Citizen Kane.

00:40:11Woodfellas.

00:40:12Deep Impact.

00:40:13Oh, no.

00:40:14Actually, this one's not a porno.

00:40:16Did you know that?

00:40:17I'm a pervert, not an idiot.

00:40:19Scott, man.

00:40:20I can't rent you these.

00:40:21You've had Stopper my mom almost squirt out for two years.

00:40:24Man, well, Dan, you're my brother,

00:40:26and you know the last decade's been a bit of a butt for me.

00:40:29You know, my MMA career was going great.

00:40:31Then I got busted from being on the juice and cycled off to lose the titties,

00:40:36and then I started to get my ass kicked real bad,

00:40:38and I tap out on the dream.

00:40:40Listen, okay, you can rent these,

00:40:42but you've got to bring them back before the store closes, okay, man?

00:40:45Yeah.

00:40:46You have my word as a retired man of the cage.

00:40:48I will bring these back safely.

00:40:52Knock on my wood.

00:40:53He's full of those, isn't he?

00:40:56Hey, Denise, hi.

00:40:57Hey.

00:40:58You know what these packages keep getting sent over the video store?

00:41:00Sorry, it's just those guys messing with you, I'm sure.

00:41:02Sure is, motherfucker.

00:41:03Boom, bitch!

00:41:05The canvas says not in my house.

00:41:08Hey, sir, do you want to go old school on this little baby pussy?

00:41:10Yeah, okay.

00:41:11Guys, come on!

00:41:12No, no, no, no, no!

00:41:13Get moving!

00:41:14Oh, is your foot good?

00:41:16Higher!

00:41:17Higher!

00:41:18Hey!

00:41:19Hey!

00:41:20No wonder you had four girls.

00:41:21You're wearing boxer shorts.

00:41:22Bitches love briefs now.

00:41:24Come on, man.

00:41:25We're going to H&M.

00:41:26We'll buy you some.

00:41:27Clean this shit up, Denise.

00:41:29Yeah, clean this shit up, Denise.

00:41:30Oh, Denton, I'm so sorry.

00:41:32Let me help you.

00:41:33Oh, thanks.

00:41:34Oh, you know, Denton, um, we had homeroom together.

00:41:39That's right, in 11th grade.

00:41:40In 11th grade.

00:41:41Yeah.

00:41:42So, um, I'm going to take my 15-minute break now.

00:41:47Oh, yeah, okay.

00:41:48Yeah.

00:41:49And that's just enough time for me to-

00:41:51What now?

00:41:52Oh!

00:41:53Oh!

00:41:54Oh!

00:41:55Oh!

00:41:56Oh!

00:41:57Oh!

00:41:58Oh!

00:41:59Oh!

00:42:00Bring it up!

00:42:01Let's dig deep!

00:42:02Dig it!

00:42:03Dig it!

00:42:04Let's get it!

00:42:05Let's get it, you little bitches!

00:42:06Come on, Grandpa, pick it up!

00:42:07Pick it up, Wilfred!

00:42:08I am number one.

00:42:09You're right.

00:42:11Why don't you hop on a bike, Uncle Jemima?

00:42:12Here we go!

00:42:13Jesus Christ, man.

00:42:14Calm down.

00:42:15What are you rushing the plugs in the crypts, dude?

00:42:16I'm wearing both colors to signify unity.

00:42:18Oh.

00:42:19That's kind of cool.

00:42:20Come on, Grandpa.

00:42:21You can do it.

00:42:22So, uh, funny bit of news.

00:42:24I just got surprise fellatio from the receptionist that works at Lucas.

00:42:28Denise Davids?

00:42:29Yes!

00:42:30Oh, shit.

00:42:31You are so screwed.

00:42:32What?

00:42:33World-class psycho stalker.

00:42:35You know in school when those girls made those origami things to predict who their soulmate

00:42:40was?

00:42:41Yeah?

00:42:42She rigged her.

00:42:43Rigged the fucking thing, dude.

00:42:44Gross.

00:42:45Yeah, she had one of those things where, like, you know when one person loves another

00:42:50person, like, a lot, but the other person loves the other person more than that.

00:42:54She got a restraining order against her.

00:42:56Okay.

00:42:57Okay.

00:42:58She's nuts for real.

00:43:00She had her dog baptized.

00:43:04Hello?

00:43:11Gotcha.

00:43:12Uh, you reach the voicemail of Denton.

00:43:15Leave a message.

00:43:16Wow.

00:43:20Not convincing.

00:43:21I didn't do a good job at all.

00:43:24No.

00:43:30No one's home.

00:43:33Oh, god.

00:43:34What does that smell?

00:43:40Huh.

00:43:41Denton, Denton, Denton, you've been busy, girl.

00:43:46Hey, Serge, go wet that bed.

00:43:47Alright.

00:43:48Think the tall fuck's got it in him?

00:43:51Nah.

00:43:52I'm gonna piss on top.

00:43:57What the fuck's going on here?

00:43:58Who the fuck are you?

00:43:59What are you doing here?

00:44:00Tell him what we're doing.

00:44:02We broke in.

00:44:03Hmm.

00:44:04Obviously I see you're fucking breaking.

00:44:05Can I talk to you?

00:44:06I got this, B.

00:44:07Can you come here a little bit?

00:44:08Yeah.

00:44:09Are you fucking sure?

00:44:10Whoa, he's got a life!

00:44:11Yeah, I see that.

00:44:12It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

00:44:13Well, why are you here?

00:44:14I need information about this bet.

00:44:16I want to ruin their lives, alright?

00:44:18I hate Denton.

00:44:19I hate him too.

00:44:20Good, good.

00:44:21Maybe there's a way we both get what we want.

00:44:24Two blue jobs.

00:44:26He's such a much...

00:44:28Here's the deal.

00:44:29I need information about this bet.

00:44:31Every time you find something out, you give me a call, I give you cash.

00:44:41I present to you, Sarah Dawn Samuels.

00:44:50Wow.

00:44:52What is she doing here?

00:44:54Well, auditioning for reality TV all day, only time she has to work out is at night.

00:45:00During my shift, I'm her personal trainer, so to speak.

00:45:07We've spent some time together.

00:45:09Through all that bonding, I've learned her deepest desires and darkest secrets.

00:45:14Her scent is that of a rose garden after Midsummer's rain.

00:45:19She's a siren in the water.

00:45:21She calls to me.

00:45:23And only I hold the key to her soul's relaxation.

00:45:30It pains me to betray my lady.

00:45:34It's for the good of the bet.

00:45:36I hold in my hand her one Achilles heel.

00:45:39Or should I say, Achilles crotch.

00:45:42Whoa!

00:45:43That's a serious pre-op moose knuckle.

00:45:46It looks like a six dollar burger.

00:45:48If it ever gets out, she's ruined.

00:45:50Really, Jackson?

00:45:52We resorting to blackmail now?

00:45:53Yeah, super.

00:45:54Now we're sexual predators.

00:45:56Sexual predators?

00:45:57What, are we just walking the streets looking for houses with teddy bears in the window to wander into?

00:46:02None of my wildest dreams.

00:46:03Sorry, baby.

00:46:05Just give me a little...

00:46:07Stop!

00:46:08Hi, Sar.

00:46:09Stop!

00:46:10Stop!

00:46:11Stop!

00:46:12Stop!

00:46:13Stop!

00:46:14Let me...

00:46:15That's it!

00:46:16Sigh.

00:46:17How funny.

00:46:19She's...

00:46:23Oh, you...

00:46:25Romeo's got nothing on me.

00:46:26Last night I found the lover undercover in my sheets.

00:46:32I didn't GET OUT OF BED FOR WEEZ.

00:46:35Romeo's got nothing on me...

00:46:37Romeo's got nothing on me...

00:46:39Romeo's got nothing on me...

00:46:41I woke up in a haze

00:46:45Grabbed my microphone and my briefcase

00:46:47Stepped out the door and fell flat on my face

00:46:50Eyes glazed, I must get blazed

00:46:52Gravity fights me from every which way

00:46:56It might have a mind just raised

00:47:00It's an off day, the sky's all gray

00:47:03But if it rains, you'll find me swimming

00:47:06I've been living in a dream

00:47:09I used to seem so real

00:47:12I used to be awesome

00:47:15Last night I found a lover undercover in my sheets

00:47:20I didn't get out of bed for weeks

00:47:22Romeo's got nothing on me

00:47:24Romeo's got nothing on me

00:47:27Last night I found a lover undercover in my sheets

00:47:30I didn't get out of bed for weeks

00:47:32Romeo's got nothing on me

00:47:35Romeo's got nothing on me

00:47:38Nothing on me

00:47:43On a carpet stand from wall to wall

00:47:51An apartment full of alcohol

00:47:53Sleepwalk around my lonely orbit

00:47:56And the ocean calls and says

00:47:59Find that girl before she's gone

00:48:01She might have a crush but it won't as long as that

00:48:04I guess

00:48:04Not a final of a hundred cover in my sheets

00:48:07I didn't get out of bed for weeks

00:48:09Romeo's got, Romeo's got, Romeo's got nothing on me

00:48:14Hey dad, what are you doing up so early?

00:48:17No time for sleep

00:48:18Your stepmother is getting close

00:48:21Oh yeah, she's looking sharp

00:48:25You know, actually, grab a seat

00:48:27I've been meaning to talk to you

00:48:29Everything okay?

00:48:33Yeah, yeah

00:48:34I'm fine

00:48:35So, you in second grade

00:48:39Amanda Morrison

00:48:41Yeah, Amanda

00:48:42You guys have spent a lot of time together this summer

00:48:46Yeah, she's, uh, she's really great

00:48:49You think she'd be okay with this whole bed thing you got going on?

00:48:54What the hell do I know?

00:49:01A guy making a woman out of plastic, right?

00:49:03Give me the glue, will you?

00:49:06Oh, no, no, no, no, no

00:49:10Oh, Planet of the Apes

00:49:13No, no, no, no

00:49:14Planet of the Apes with Marky Mark?

00:49:18God, God no

00:49:20Oh, um, Sla, from the Goonie

00:49:28No! No! I'm Harry. I'm Harry from Harry and the Hendersons.

00:49:32I've never seen it.

00:49:34You're kidding me. You've never seen Harry and the Hendersons?

00:49:37No.

00:49:38God, that was on my favorite VHS tape.

00:49:40What are you talking about?

00:49:42Yeah, no, okay. When I was growing up, my dad, he made us this VHS tape that had like six movies on it.

00:49:47It's made in that super poor person speed.

00:49:49I guess you weren't poor, okay.

00:49:50No.

00:49:51Well, it had Last Starfighter, Flight of Dragons, Beastmaster, Monster Squad, and...

00:49:56and Harry and the Hendersons.

00:50:02Hey, look. Um...

00:50:04I've been thinking.

00:50:06Summer's almost over.

00:50:08And I have had a really great time hanging out with you.

00:50:13I know that we are just friends.

00:50:16But what if we...

00:50:18We went.

00:50:19What if you and I went out?

00:50:21What if you and I went out?

00:50:23What if you and I went...

00:50:25On a date?

00:50:26Are you?

00:50:27You are.

00:50:28You're asking me out.

00:50:29Are you asking me out on a proper date?

00:50:30What if I was?

00:50:31I really have to...

00:50:33Do the maths on that.

00:50:34I don't know.

00:50:35Really think about it.

00:50:37Quite frankly, I'm not attracted to you.

00:50:39It would be me doing you a favor.

00:50:42Really?

00:50:43Yela, were you in a grease fire or something?

00:50:45Oh, my...

00:50:50Maybe I can change your mind.

00:50:53Denton!

00:50:55Where have you been?

00:50:57Grab me some camembert, a handful of those grapes, and let's get the hell out of here.

00:51:01It's cool.

00:51:02We can pick up where we left off later on tonight.

00:51:05Tonight?

00:51:06Yeah.

00:51:07On our first official date.

00:51:10Where?

00:51:11It's a surprise.

00:51:13Just pick me up here later, after work.

00:51:15Okay.

00:51:16Uh...

00:51:17Well, thanks a lot, man.

00:51:18I was just about to kiss her.

00:51:19You haven't hooked up with her yet?

00:51:20You've seen her 50 times this summer.

00:51:35You're gonna fuck this up.

00:51:37How?

00:51:38What are you talking about?

00:51:39You were in love with her.

00:51:40I am...

00:51:41That is not comp...

00:51:43How would one know, though, if they were in love?

00:51:47Maybe they can't be in love.

00:51:50Close your eyes.

00:51:51Okay.

00:51:54Imagine yourself fucking her.

00:51:56Okay.

00:51:56Her pants are around her ankles.

00:51:58She's bent over the bed.

00:52:00It's really hot.

00:52:01Her hair's kind of tousled.

00:52:02You just blew a load right inside her.

00:52:04Epic.

00:52:05I mean, you've stained her soul.

00:52:07Okay.

00:52:07What do you want to do next?

00:52:11Can I just want to cuddle?

00:52:13Fuck!

00:52:15How are you supposed to focus, man,

00:52:17when you're all fucking puppy dogs and ice cream upstairs?

00:52:19Where are we going, even?

00:52:22Hey, guy.

00:52:23This thing is...

00:52:24This fucking guy's gonna do it.

00:52:25He has eight or nine fucking bitches there already.

00:52:28Yeah, I'm telling you.

00:52:30The guy that has a cock

00:52:31are like a fucking gold cock, man.

00:52:33It's very unfortunate news, Bob.

00:52:34It's like a fucking broken fire hydrant.

00:52:36If you see the kids playing,

00:52:37this is fucking...

00:52:38...in city.

00:52:40And if one of the fucking children,

00:52:41the mother came,

00:52:42she slipped on the...

00:52:44Are you okay?

00:52:46Because if you're not okay,

00:52:47I'm not okay.

00:52:49He's doing much better than I thought he would.

00:52:51I can't lose this bet

00:52:53to that lanky fuck.

00:52:55We gotta get serious.

00:52:56Real serious.

00:52:58Operation Derailment Serious.

00:53:01Denise!

00:53:03Sit down.

00:53:10You nervous?

00:53:11No.

00:53:12You look nervous.

00:53:13Nope.

00:53:14She look nervous to you?

00:53:15Definitely looks nervous.

00:53:16I'm not nervous.

00:53:18I'm gonna cut to the chase.

00:53:19We know you know about the bet.

00:53:21We know you're one of the girls.

00:53:22We know you blew Denton in the lobby.

00:53:23There's a video.

00:53:24Searcher's seen it.

00:53:25Yeah.

00:53:25It was a sweet fucking BJ.

00:53:28You're welcome.

00:53:28Here's what you need to do for me.

00:53:32Help me win the bet.

00:53:33How do I help you win the bet?

00:53:35I can't un-brew him.

00:53:39Well, you're a crazy super stalker, right?

00:53:40You got his passwords and shit?

00:53:41It's his social media info, email account, social security number, home phone, home address,

00:53:46parents phone, parents address.

00:53:47I'm gonna stop you right there.

00:53:48We actually just need you to log in to one of his email accounts and send an email to Amanda

00:53:52Morrison, all right?

00:53:52Pretend to be Denton.

00:53:54Say it's an emergency.

00:53:54I don't give a fuck.

00:53:55However you do it, get her over to that garage battle station that they have.

00:53:59When she sees what he's really up to, she's never gonna talk to him again.

00:54:03Let alone fuck him.

00:54:04Am I right?

00:54:05And then we got this in the bag.

00:54:06Paper or plastic?

00:54:09Or bring your own bag and save the environment or something.

00:54:12He's just such a good guy.

00:54:14I don't feel comfortable, like, messing up his whole thing.

00:54:17It's so cute.

00:54:17She thinks she has a choice.

00:54:19You're gonna feel comfortable with it or you're gonna be fired.

00:54:22Oh.

00:54:23Go now, psycho.

00:54:26What are you doing?

00:54:27Do my bidding.

00:54:29What are you doing?

00:54:31Just get the fuck out of here.

00:54:32Okay.

00:54:33Get the fuck out of here.

00:54:34Go.

00:54:36Vamanos.

00:54:36I don't understand you two.

00:54:40Yo, did you watch that tape?

00:54:41Oh, yeah.

00:54:42Crazy ones can really suck at them, all right?

00:54:44No, I'm going to the psych ward for my next job.

00:54:46Ah!

00:54:47Ah!

00:54:48Ah!

00:54:50Ah!

00:54:53Oh, this is the place.

00:55:00Looks like a fucking shithole.

00:55:03Wait.

00:55:04Kendra lives here?

00:55:05Yeah.

00:55:06And she thinks you're a doctor.

00:55:08So, you're gonna want to suit up.

00:55:11I'm getting a disease just looking at this place.

00:55:13You packing jimmies?

00:55:13No.

00:55:16That's okay.

00:55:16I got plenty in the glove.

00:55:20Wait a minute.

00:55:21Why do you have a water pistol in here?

00:55:23Oh, that's not an ordinary water pistol.

00:55:25It's filled with your seed.

00:55:27Ah!

00:55:27Why do you have a water pistol filled with my seed in here?

00:55:30Oh.

00:55:31Well, you know that place you donate sperm?

00:55:33Yeah?

00:55:34Well, yeah.

00:55:34I snuck in in the middle of the night and grabbed a bunch of your c** and filled up this

00:55:37water pistol here.

00:55:40Why?

00:55:41Well, you know, just in case.

00:55:44There were some chicks you couldn't pull down.

00:55:45It's a contingency plan.

00:55:46Okay.

00:55:47You know what?

00:55:47Just give me that back.

00:55:48It's my c**.

00:55:49You know what?

00:55:50It's a...

00:55:50This is important.

00:55:51Can I have my...

00:55:52Give me my c** back!

00:55:53Gee, sorry.

00:55:59You know, I always knew you'd be successful.

00:56:03I have great intuition with men.

00:56:07Except for the ones that I marry.

00:56:12Oh, you got a little one, do you?

00:56:14Hmm.

00:56:16Seven.

00:56:17No s**t.

00:56:17Four boys, three girls.

00:56:19But they're with their respected fathers tonight.

00:56:21I thought that, uh, it'd be nice to give us a little privacy since you were so kind

00:56:26to take a house call, doctor.

00:56:28Doctor?

00:56:28Mm-hmm.

00:56:29Is so formal.

00:56:32You know, just call me Denton.

00:56:33Just regular old Denton.

00:56:34Will do.

00:56:35So, uh, what seems to be the, uh, situation?

00:56:39Oh, yeah.

00:56:39My wrist.

00:56:41It's, like, really been giving me trouble.

00:56:43It really hurts to think it could be.

00:56:46Um.

00:56:47Do you think you could help?

00:56:48I do, I do.

00:56:49So, uh, let's have a listen to the old ticker.

00:56:58Yeah.

00:56:59Yes.

00:57:00Oh, yeah.

00:57:03I've heard this before.

00:57:04I'm afraid you have poor circulation.

00:57:06And I think you could be in immediate danger.

00:57:08Oh, my God.

00:57:08What should we do?

00:57:09Well, I think we should probably start by getting you out of that tight, restrictive top.

00:57:13Yeah, maybe even those tight, tight, tight pants.

00:57:16Are you sure?

00:57:18Oh, yes, very sure.

00:57:19Very sure.

00:57:19It's the first thing we learn in doctor school.

00:57:24Oh, that must have been so hard.

00:57:26Oh, it was.

00:57:27Yes, it certainly was.

00:57:28But when you see the look of pure laughter on a baby child's face after a successful brain appointment,

00:57:37it makes everything worth it.

00:57:39You know that you're doing the Lord's work.

00:57:41These hands, I'll tell you, they've seen some stories.

00:57:46Denton, it's me.

00:57:50Denton, I got here as fast as I could.

00:57:52Is your dad okay?

00:57:53Hold on, hold on.

00:57:55Mr. Me, Mr. Me, Mr. Me.

00:57:57Damn you, Phil Collins.

00:57:58Amanda Morrison is here.

00:58:00Ooh, second grade.

00:58:02Denton, are you in there?

00:58:03No, no, what are we going to do?

00:58:07What are we going to do?

00:58:08Oh, one second, I've got to put my pants back on.

00:58:10Me too, me too.

00:58:16Denton, are you home?

00:58:28What the hell is this?

00:58:29No, Scott's my fiancée.

00:58:36Did you just finish?

00:58:38No, I don't remember.

00:58:39Wait, you have a fiancée?

00:58:41Of course you have a fiancée.

00:58:42Kendra, I'm home.

00:58:44Give me a beer.

00:58:45Make sure it's cold as shit from that new fridge, you know?

00:58:49Hey, Denton.

00:58:51What you doing here, boy?

00:58:52It's great to see you.

00:58:54Wait a minute.

00:58:55You're not here for them movies, is you?

00:58:56Yeah, because, you know, I really do need a little more time on those, you know?

00:58:59But, uh, wait a minute.

00:59:03Why is she in her undies?

00:59:06And why does Grandpa have a chubby?

00:59:10Right back in Gibraltar.

00:59:12Bang!

00:59:13Grandpa, did my woman suck this man's...

00:59:16Oh, no.

00:59:17Sucked it real good.

00:59:19Cute.

00:59:20Seen it?

00:59:20Lecter's hole, too.

00:59:22Oh, his hole?

00:59:23No, no, Scott, my hole is unlinked today.

00:59:27You little adulterer coming into my beautiful home, making my angel eat at your gas station.

00:59:32I got some bad, bad news for you, boy.

00:59:35Your timing's all sorts of shit, because I'm back on the juice, motherfucker.

00:59:39I'm sorry, Doc.

00:59:40He's going to fuck you up.

00:59:41Yeah, that's right.

00:59:42Scott, Scott, just calm down for just a second.

00:59:45Yeah, what you got, what you got?

00:59:47Fuck that shit, boy.

00:59:48Come on, bring it on.

00:59:49Come on, dog.

00:59:50Go your motherfucking jet, Scott.

00:59:54What you gonna do?

00:59:55Shoot me with a water gun?

00:59:57Do not make me pull this trigger.

00:59:59Go town!

00:59:59you can't come at me with your love

01:00:12in the brain with your love

01:00:16Wiggins, Dad, you're not gonna believe this

01:00:20I just hooked up with Kendra and a shot a load into Scott's mouth

01:00:22What?

01:00:23Well, not technically I didn't shoot

01:00:25Well, no, no, no, technically

01:00:26It doesn't matter

01:00:27The point is, I'm about to win this fucking bet.

01:00:33I'm part of a bet.

01:00:35Look, look, look, look.

01:00:37I can explain.

01:00:38Oh, you can explain?

01:00:39I don't think that needs explanation.

01:00:42This is disgusting.

01:00:44Are you kidding me now?

01:00:45Don't touch me.

01:00:46I'm so freaked out right now.

01:00:48I never want to see you again.

01:00:51Don't say that.

01:00:51Amanda, please don't.

01:00:57Who are you?

01:01:09Yeah, man.

01:01:10Who are you?

01:01:14I've been run out of town.

01:01:19Oh, I've been run out of town.

01:01:24Heard the big news.

01:01:25You fucked it all up.

01:01:27I've got to admit, for a second there you had me genuinely concerned.

01:01:30Nine girls, one guy.

01:01:32Not bad.

01:01:33I tip my dick to you, sir.

01:01:35You actually came here just to be a dick to me?

01:01:39Listen to me, you quivering pussy.

01:01:40This bet was your shot.

01:01:42I gave it to you on a silver fucking platter.

01:01:44But you, as you do, kept up the family tradition.

01:01:48Failure.

01:01:49Don't I think my family can't take anything else from your family?

01:01:51My dad takes your dad's company.

01:01:53I take this shithole you call a video store.

01:01:56And then tomorrow, when you lose that bet, I'm going to make you and daddy homeless.

01:02:00You know why?

01:02:01Because you and all your little friends, you're all a bunch of fucking weirdos.

01:02:06I win.

01:02:08You lose.

01:02:09Suck my dick.

01:02:14See you at the game tomorrow.

01:02:16You can suck my dick.

01:02:16I catch the dude and I'm like, what the fuck are you doing, man?

01:02:25You look like I'm doing Jackson.

01:02:25Okay, dude, chill.

01:02:26Clearly, you just need to talk about something.

01:02:28Talk about what, Ed?

01:02:29Huh?

01:02:29How you two ruined my life?

01:02:31Dude, you are this close to winning the bet.

01:02:32Don't you dare back out now.

01:02:34I don't fucking care about the bet.

01:02:35I don't care about the bet.

01:02:36I've lost the only person I want to be with.

01:02:42Scott Quaker.

01:02:44No, it's not.

01:02:44I didn't.

01:02:45God damn it.

01:02:47What?

01:02:48She'll understand, right?

01:02:49We'll just go by her house, explain the situation.

01:02:51She'll get it.

01:02:52She'll understand what, Ed?

01:02:53That she was right?

01:02:54She's part of some stupid bet that my friends got me into?

01:02:57I cannot believe I let you guys convince me to do this.

01:03:03Fuck you.

01:03:04Fuck me.

01:03:05Dude, you sit here all day bitching and moaning about your life and things that happened to

01:03:11you, be it girls or your job.

01:03:14Man, fuck even us.

01:03:15And when shit doesn't go your way, you go on the fucking rag and just bitch about how

01:03:19shit Denton's life is.

01:03:20Back me up on this, Wiggins.

01:03:22I still wet the bed.

01:03:23I can't really talk.

01:03:25God damn shame.

01:03:26Are you kidding me how shit my life is?

01:03:29Jackson, when's the last time you hooked up with it, Jack?

01:03:31Well, years, and by the way, your shakes suck.

01:03:33And you, Ed, you are so full of shit.

01:03:36You're this love guru, except the only girl you've ever been with, you married.

01:03:40You two have been living vicariously through me, but it's not you who has the shit life.

01:03:46It's me.

01:03:46Hey, get out.

01:03:48Just get out of here, all of you.

01:03:51Take this trash with you.

01:03:58Come on, Wiggins.

01:03:59Wiggins, get out here.

01:04:00Get the fuck out.

01:04:01Wiggins!

01:04:02Wiggins, get the fuck out of here.

01:04:04You've upset Wiggins.

01:04:05Wiggins, go.

01:04:06He's a fucking mess.

01:04:08I'll leave you one.

01:04:09I'll leave you one.

01:04:10Go!

01:04:11Wiggins is my friend now.

01:04:13Get out!

01:04:13Get the fuck back here!

01:04:15Get out!

01:04:25Dad, not you.

01:04:27You don't have to go.

01:04:30I refuse to let the lovely lady Legos lose her virginity in this debt of sadness.

01:04:37You need to be alone right now anyway, son.

01:04:39You've got a lot to think about.

01:04:41Meady in me.

01:05:09Out in the heat

01:05:13Standing on rock

01:05:17Burning our feet

01:05:21We'll be filthy rich

01:05:25If the damn stuff burns green

01:05:29Just her and me

01:05:32And a twenty-mule team

01:05:36And the rocks is a haven

01:05:44Out in the sun we'll be lazy

01:05:51Losing track of the time

01:05:57And the cruel spring

01:05:59Your dad's coming

01:06:10Oh yeah

01:06:11Oh how'd it go with Lady Lego

01:06:13It was horrible

01:06:16We all went to the field last night

01:06:19He got butt naked

01:06:20And it's all gathering around her as he mounted her right over there on home plate

01:06:23On first thrust

01:06:25She exploded into a million pieces

01:06:27He just sat there defeated

01:06:29As his bruised old boner went limp

01:06:32Saddest shit I've ever seen

01:06:34Well, well, well

01:06:37Look at these video fun fucks

01:06:40You guys excited, huh?

01:06:41You like the smell of the field

01:06:43The cut grass

01:06:44The stands full of quivering lady

01:06:46He's waiting for the bee dog to satisfy him

01:06:48Hmm?

01:06:50God

01:06:50I wanted to see you guys lose

01:06:52But to see you lose in front of a packed house

01:06:53Life is fucking sweet

01:06:55Like brown sugar on white

01:06:56Oh, hey, look, y'all

01:06:58President and CEO of Goldman Nutsacks

01:07:00Sorry, guys

01:07:01I don't speak poor person

01:07:02Mary Kay

01:07:03Actually

01:07:04You ladies 18 yet?

01:07:07Jackson, I know you're gonna miss this most

01:07:08So really try and enjoy it, okay?

01:07:11Good luck out there, ladies

01:07:12Whoa

01:07:17He almost hit that truck

01:07:20Gentlemen

01:07:31It's been an honor

01:07:33Serving with you

01:07:35On that battlefield

01:07:36You fought like

01:07:38Warrior poets

01:07:39In the days of old

01:07:41But I ask you

01:07:44One last time

01:07:46To fight with me

01:07:48Can you do that?

01:07:51Fight

01:07:52With

01:07:53Me

01:07:54Come on

01:07:55Spit on me

01:07:58I got something in my mouth

01:08:00Thanks for coming out, folks

01:08:02To the last game of the season

01:08:04It's gonna be a two-season

01:08:05Now back

01:08:07Jackson Pride

01:08:08What's in it?

01:08:13Jackson Shake Masterpiece

01:08:14The final

01:08:15Cuckdown

01:08:15That was a good pitch

01:08:19There's something I need to talk to you about

01:08:21Oh, yeah?

01:08:22What is that?

01:08:23Balls on chin

01:08:24Dude, I'm not in the mood for jokes right now, man

01:08:27Remember the Tri-County Little League Championships?

01:08:30Yeah

01:08:30Yeah, I could forget

01:08:31You got him in the face twice in one game

01:08:32Taking those two balls to the chin

01:08:35Was the best thing I ever did

01:08:37What do you mean?

01:08:39Everyone knew I wasn't gonna get on base

01:08:41And if I struck out, which I was going to

01:08:43The game would have been over, right?

01:08:45My only option to get on base

01:08:47Was to get hit by a pitch

01:08:48Wait a minute

01:08:49You did that on purpose?

01:08:50Yeah

01:08:51I had to drink through a straw for three months

01:08:53And it was worth it

01:08:54We won because I didn't accept

01:08:56The shitty hand of cards that fate dealt me

01:08:58I took destiny into my own hands

01:09:00Old man opportunity knocked

01:09:02The sixth grade version of myself answered the door

01:09:05And then

01:09:06I took his two balls on my chin

01:09:09No, no, no, no

01:09:14Run, run

01:09:15Push your glove

01:09:16Push your glove

01:09:17Sleep

01:09:20It's a leadoff hit

01:09:24All your mothers

01:09:27All of them

01:09:29You're up, D

01:09:31Let's light this bitch up

01:09:34On your games, boys

01:09:35Now, buddy

01:09:40That's it, Baker

01:09:42You bitch

01:09:44You know what, Lucas?

01:09:49Oh, do you want some, I say?

01:09:51According to this contract

01:09:52The bet's not over

01:09:53Till the end of the season, right?

01:09:55Yeah

01:09:55Well, there's still eight things left

01:09:57To win this thing

01:09:57Okay

01:09:59Hey, Jackson

01:09:59Okay

01:10:00Game's not over, boys

01:10:02You're right

01:10:05I have been a pussy

01:10:07I need you

01:10:13To stall this game

01:10:15Ah!

01:10:17Oh, my jockstrap is twisted around my balls

01:10:25Oh, come on, delay a game

01:10:27You know, I wanted to wear it like Maris did

01:10:29During his 61 home run season

01:10:31I read that he did that on the back of his baseball card

01:10:35Bullshit, Jackson

01:10:36I'm a bit of a card collector

01:10:38I'm a bit of a card collector

01:10:38Uh, tops

01:10:39Hey, focus

01:10:41Don't look at him

01:10:42Look at me

01:10:43Upper deck

01:10:43Don't look at me

01:10:44Uh, Fleer

01:10:45Wax packs

01:10:47Where you going?

01:10:48A peachy

01:10:48Take a set of balls on the chin

01:10:50What?

01:10:52Wait, is he gay now?

01:10:53No, no, it's a metaphor

01:10:55Uh, Honus Wagner

01:10:56The Honus Wagner card

01:10:57Blue

01:10:58Delayed game

01:10:59Wayne Gretzky

01:11:00Boom!

01:11:00Oh, God!

01:11:01Ow!

01:11:03It's like a hangman's noose

01:11:05And that was The Snitches

01:11:25By Dr. Seuss

01:11:26Do you guys know what the moral of the story is?

01:11:30The moral?

01:11:31Of the story

01:11:32Is that there was this one boy, Sneetch, who was confused

01:11:35What are you doing?

01:11:37There was this girl, Sneetch

01:11:38Who was amazing

01:11:40And beautiful

01:11:42And funny

01:11:44And confident in who she is

01:11:47And he thought to himself

01:11:49He thought, you know what?

01:11:50You know what I need?

01:11:51I need, I need

01:11:52I need a couple stars under my belt

01:11:54To really impress this girl

01:11:55Uh, the girl, Sneetch

01:11:57So he goes over to his boys in Whoville

01:11:59And he says to them

01:12:00They're like, you know what, dude

01:12:01You need, you need to be confident

01:12:03You need to be like, like the cat in the hat

01:12:05So he goes over and he slams some beers

01:12:08With, with thing one and thing two

01:12:10He hits the town

01:12:10He hooks up with a bunch of chicks

01:12:12That's, that's not, that's not who he is

01:12:16That's not what he's about

01:12:18He's more like the Lorax in reality

01:12:21Planting grickle grass

01:12:25And climbing truncula trees

01:12:27And, and smoking jeeps with the barbaloids

01:12:29What are you trying to say?

01:12:33Amanda, I fell in love with you this summer

01:12:35And I screwed it up

01:12:39I just, I screwed it up

01:12:41But you need to know

01:12:44That the man that I was

01:12:46When I was with you

01:12:47That's who I really am

01:12:48Yeah, the Sneetch may have stolen a blind girl's glasses

01:12:53And shot a pistol in dude's mouth

01:12:55That happened

01:12:55That did

01:12:56I'm not asking you for a second chance

01:12:59If this is the last time I get to see you

01:13:02Then I understand

01:13:03But you need to know

01:13:06That from now on

01:13:07I'm gonna be

01:13:09Who I really am

01:13:11Who I always was

01:13:13The Sneetch knows where his real star is

01:13:18Okay

01:13:22I'm so lonely

01:13:34How you doing boys?

01:13:40Good man

01:13:40Bottom of nine

01:13:41All tied up

01:13:42How'd it go?

01:13:45Um

01:13:45Not, uh

01:13:47Not the smoothest actually

01:13:48At least I came clean to her

01:13:50Yeah

01:13:52Yeah, well

01:13:52You're a better man for it

01:13:54And all that

01:13:55Right

01:13:55You're up, D

01:13:57Here we go

01:13:58Here we go

01:13:59Big D

01:14:00Here we go

01:14:02Here we go

01:14:02Moving back

01:14:03Here we go

01:14:04Big hitter, big hitter

01:14:05Let's go

01:14:07Dead man walking

01:14:09Everyone's getting fucked in the ass

01:14:14I'm gonna fuck so many bitches in your house

01:14:17It's gonna be disgusting

01:14:18Every single one of these fucks

01:14:20Yeah, your old bedroom

01:14:22It's gonna be painted in my

01:14:23Time out

01:14:27Are you

01:14:33Hey, hi, hi

01:14:36Denton, did you really mean what you said?

01:14:39It's the most honest I've been all summer

01:14:43This is bullshit

01:14:44Is this bet really that important to you?

01:14:47No

01:14:47Come on

01:14:48It's not as important as being with you

01:14:50Let's play ball

01:14:53A full-on Louisville chubber

01:15:08Me too

01:15:09Now go with this game

01:15:13Hey, Amanda

01:15:19Hi, Amanda Morrison

01:15:21Yeah, I'm Denise Davids

01:15:23You don't know me

01:15:24Listen, I'm not gonna hurt you, okay?

01:15:26I do have to show you something

01:15:28Right now

01:15:29It's important

01:15:30You may not like it

01:15:32But you might

01:15:33Here we go, D

01:15:35Knock his cock right off of his body

01:15:37We want pain

01:15:38We want to see blood

01:15:39Here we go

01:15:39All right

01:15:40Let's see what you got

01:15:42This one's for you, Daddy

01:15:47Oh, son, I'm so proud

01:15:49Here we go, D

01:15:50Right in this

01:15:51Here we go

01:15:53Here we go

01:15:54Big head

01:15:54You always made me proud

01:15:58And you know what?

01:16:00Your mama was proud, too

01:16:01Yo, Ben, we got a problem, dog

01:16:12Now, sir, shut up

01:16:13Last night's movie leaked

01:16:14Are you shitting me?

01:16:16Is this train going to Paris?

01:16:20Why, indeed it is, ma'am

01:16:21All aboard

01:16:22Next up, the Eiffel Tower

01:16:24I love the correct thing

01:16:26Well, then you are in luck, ma'am

01:16:28Because we have two

01:16:29Oh!

01:16:30Oh!

01:16:31Oh!

01:16:32Get a moving!

01:16:33Oh!

01:16:34Oh!

01:16:35Oh!

01:16:36Oh!

01:16:37Oh!

01:16:38Oh!

01:16:39Oh!

01:16:40Oh!

01:16:41Oh!

01:16:42Oh!

01:16:43Oh!

01:16:44Oh!

01:16:45Oh!

01:16:46Oh!

01:16:47Oh!

01:16:48Oh!

01:16:49Oh!

01:16:50Oh!

01:16:51Oh!

01:16:52Oh!

01:16:53Oh!

01:16:54Oh!

01:16:55Oh!

01:16:56Oh!

01:16:57Oh!

01:16:58Oh!

01:17:59Shut the fuck up, old man!

01:18:01You know what, Jackson? You can have the game.

01:18:03You'll never play in this league again.

01:18:05Denton lost the fucking bet.

01:18:07Actually, Lucas, no, he didn't.

01:18:09You're bitch 11. He's still one bitch shy.

01:18:11That means your house is mine,

01:18:13and I'm gonna burn it to the goddamn ground

01:18:14right after I take a huge shittin'.

01:18:18Denise,

01:18:19I think you have one more text message to send.

01:18:22What?

01:18:22For our next motion picture,

01:18:35the Pole Hill Express.

01:18:37Is this train going to the South Pole?

01:18:42Uh, it isn't, ma'am,

01:18:44but you can go south on my pole.

01:18:47Oh, let me slide on down.

01:18:48Oh!

01:18:49Oh, it's been scary.

01:18:50Low down, low down.

01:18:52Oh, it's warm.

01:18:52Speed up.

01:18:53Oh, that's nice.

01:18:54Oh, that's a lot of eggnog.

01:18:56You're welcome.

01:18:57Merry Christmas to you.

01:18:58Twelve girls in one summer.

01:19:03Damn.

01:19:05Now, as my first official act

01:19:06as the new CEO of Mr. B's gourmet condoms,

01:19:11Mr. Lucas, you're fucking fired.

01:19:13Oh!

01:19:14Brandon, you are super fucking fired.

01:19:18What the hell is going on?

01:19:20A contract signed by Brandon himself.

01:19:26Daddy, I can explain.

01:19:28It's, it's, it's...

01:19:28God damn, I can't.

01:19:32I'm sorry.

01:19:33You're greedy little shit.

01:19:35I'm sorry.

01:19:35I was trying.

01:19:36Jesus fuck.

01:19:37Yeah, that's right.

01:19:38You guys can suck our black d***s.

01:19:41Yeah, man.

01:19:42You can suck all our black d***s.

01:19:44That's right, boy.

01:19:45Now, as my second official act

01:19:47as the CEO,

01:19:48I intend to return the company

01:19:49back to its original owner and creator.

01:19:52The world's greatest inventor.

01:19:55My dad.

01:19:56Me?

01:19:57Yes.

01:19:57You're giving it to me?

01:19:58Yes.

01:19:59Me?

01:19:59Oh my God.

01:20:01I kind of have a theme for inventors.

01:20:06And you.

01:20:07Yeah.

01:20:08But, but there's still something

01:20:10to tell you.

01:20:14That's right, Brandon.

01:20:17We throw low around here.

01:20:21Dang Jimmy's on these b***hs!

01:20:23Get them up!

01:20:24Throw them up!

01:20:26On them!

01:20:27Get on them!

01:20:28Look, Amanda,

01:20:29about these last couple of months...

01:20:31Screw your past.

01:20:39Besides,

01:20:39I still haven't told you

01:20:41about my summer.

01:20:43What?

01:20:43Saying ain't nobody can stop me.

01:20:45They better sit back and watch me.

01:20:47For really, though.

01:20:48These n***s are silly, though.

01:20:49They think that I'm flopping.

01:20:50No, this isn't kinko.

01:20:52You cannot make copies.

01:20:53And just because you're a d***,

01:20:54you do not have to be cocky.

01:20:55Feeling like I'm holy, though.

01:20:57Slowing like it's snow.

01:20:58And me and 4-5 of the homies,

01:20:59girls acting like they know me.

01:21:00Come on, rolly, though.

01:21:02Well, this is just the life

01:21:03of knowing you the s***.

01:21:04And I don't think

01:21:05I'm ever gonna quit.

01:21:06Nah.

01:21:07Party at my place.

01:21:09We gon' be faded.

01:21:10It's gon' be fun.

01:21:11You're all invited.

01:21:13And I'ma bring my friends.

01:21:14We'll have a good time

01:21:15under the sun.

01:21:17We'll have fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.

01:21:22We'll have fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.

01:21:27Yeah, this is sober, f***ing weirdo.

01:21:29A game head zero.

01:21:30Make it white, buddy.

01:21:31I call it that Rob DeZero.

01:21:33Young cus known to make you buzz, disappear.

01:21:36Want this song?

01:21:37I drop your followers a zero.

01:21:38Hey, yo, doggie dooter.

01:21:40Did you really think that you could do, do, do, do anything as good as me?

01:21:43You need a shrink, yo.

01:21:44You're as good as me?

01:21:45No.

01:21:45If you really think so, you must really think so.

01:21:48Cause you're not.

01:21:49These girls is on my dock.

01:21:50Round the clock.

01:21:51Cause I'm probably hot.

01:21:52I could make a f***ing country song.

01:21:53It'll probably pop.

01:21:54Hey, yo, Taylor.

01:21:55I'd really love to Taylor.

01:21:56I could rock the boat if she let me be her sailor.

01:21:59So let me get this straight.

01:22:03You owned the company.

01:22:05Yeah.

01:22:06You stole the company.

01:22:07Yeah.

01:22:08You won it back because your son won a bet where he had to sleep with 12 girls in a summer?

01:22:15Whole summer.

01:22:16You nailed it.

01:22:18Huh.

01:22:22Gluten free.

01:22:24Gluten free.

01:22:26Snune.

01:22:32Snune.

01:22:41Snink, snink.

01:22:41Snanky.

01:22:43Snanky bitch.

01:22:44Snink, snink.

01:22:45Snanky bitch.

01:22:46Snanky bitch.

01:22:47After the show, make me backstage

01:22:50You can give me a sneaky beach

01:22:52Proofy, booze, and a bag of sheaves

01:22:53That's a recipe for a sneaky beach

01:22:55I'm a senator, you're my peach

01:22:57And my folks give me a sneaky beach

01:22:59Open that laptop, go at Jeeves

01:23:01When I'm gonna find a sneaky beach

01:23:03Sneak, sneak, sneaky beach

01:23:05Sneak, sneak, sneaky beach

01:23:08Sneak, sneak, sneaky beach

01:23:12Sneak, sneak, sneaky beach

01:23:16Sneak, sneaky beach

01:23:17Uh-oh, baby, you're in trouble

01:23:20I blew a load, now blow a cum bubble

01:23:22Uh-oh, baby, you're in trouble

01:23:23I blew a load, now blow a cum bubble

01:23:25Uh-oh, baby, you're in trouble

01:23:27I blew a load, now blow a cum bubble

01:23:29Uh-oh, baby, you're in trouble

01:23:31I blew a load, now blow a cum bubble

01:23:33Blow a cum bubble for me

01:23:36You do not know what this is

01:23:39This is why you do not swallow my cum

01:23:42But you take it

01:23:44To the front of your mouth

01:23:46And pucker your lips

01:23:48And blow a bubble

01:23:50Use your imagination

01:23:52Yes, yes, very good

01:23:54Uh, uh, uh, uh

01:23:56There goes my calm bubble

01:23:57Snick, sick, sneaky bitch

01:23:59Slinky bitch

01:24:01Snick, sick, sneaky bitch

01:24:03Slinky bitch

01:24:05Snick, sick, sneaky bitch

01:24:07Slinky bitch

01:24:08Snick, sick, sneaky bitch

01:24:10Slinky bitch

01:24:12I hold these truths to be self-evident

01:24:18I only put dead presidents

01:24:20Where dookie sentiment

01:24:21Is resident

01:24:23In your butthole, bitch

01:24:26I'm in love with the stripper

01:24:27With the dollar in her butt

01:24:29The dollar in her what?

01:24:31With the dollar in her butt

01:24:32I'm in love with the stripper

01:24:34With the dollar in her butt

01:24:36The dollar in her butt

01:24:37With the dollar in her butt

01:24:39Sorry, George Washington

01:24:41Bout that dookie on your chin

01:24:42Bookie mouth, chubby sprout

01:24:44You know I had to put you in

01:24:45Deep into the dookie hole

01:24:47Watch it sliding down that pole

01:24:49How it look, no disease

01:24:50Oh, let's go pop those cherry trees

01:24:52I'm in love with the stripper

01:24:53With the Lincoln where it's stinking

01:24:55With the Lincoln and a stink?

01:24:57No, I'm talking about the pink

01:24:58I'm in love with the stripper

01:25:00With the Lincoln where it's stinking

01:25:01With the Lincoln and a stink?

01:25:03No, I'm talking about a pink

01:25:05About a pink

01:25:05Hey, body stave

01:25:06Hold that nose, you be brave

01:25:08Fuck that poop

01:25:09Where's the scoop?

01:25:09You gotta look

01:25:10Touch the shade

01:25:11Gettysburg sure got hairy

01:25:13North and south is super scary

01:25:14See that buckhole you be wearing

01:25:16John was spooky derriere

01:25:18I'm in love with the stripper

01:25:19With Ben Frank and a stink

01:25:21You put a banshee in her stink?

01:25:23My baby poops back

01:25:24I'm in love with the stripper

01:25:26With Ben Frank and a stink?

01:25:27You put a banshee in her stink?

01:25:29My baby poops back

01:25:31Damn, homie, you're gonna go broke

01:25:36Come on, Ben, shit me out of luck

01:25:39Yo baby i'm in love with the stripper

01:25:42Yeah, man, Everyone has to go broke

01:25:43I know

01:25:56Everyone comes to the flag

01:25:57pen, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry

01:25:59Gallos, su pito es fuerte como un arma, cuando dispara su arma, se va a bañar en mecos fuerte.

01:26:11Este vato es muy macho, este vato es muy macho, este vato es muy macho, es realmente una mujer.

01:26:29Este vato es muy macho, este vato es muy macho, este vato es muy macho,

01:26:59una mujer.

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