A Walt Disney Production_ Pigs is Pigs (1954)

Daniel Celano

Happy International Men Day, everyone.

Transcript

00:00¶¶

00:30In the West Coat Railway Station in the year 1905,

00:48the agent there was Flannery, the best there was alive.

00:53Flannery ran his station exactly by the rule.

00:56He tried to learn each one by heart, just like a kid in school.

01:01There were rules for each occasion that applied from tools to mules.

01:06There were rules about behavior and rules defining rules.

01:12Woo-hoo!

01:17Two guinea pigs.

01:20You sure don't look like pigs to me, but the writing's plain to see.

01:25It says you are, and there's no doubt that pigs is what you be.

01:34Whenever a customer chanced to call, Flannery let him fry

01:38until he could look up the rule to greet the fellow by.

01:44Oh, let's see. Oh, yes.

01:47Good morning to you, says Section 2, and don't forget to smile.

01:51Morning, it was. I'll have you new. I've been standing here a while.

01:56I'm supposed to say I'm sorry, sir. It says in Rolling 3.

02:01Dry your tears and save your sneers. Have you a box of pets for me?

02:04Indeed, I have.

02:07Two guinea pigs.

02:08See pigs, page 43.

02:10According to the book of rules, your pets are pigs, you see.

02:18Pigs 48 cents. Pets 44.

02:22What?

02:23Guinea pigs ain't pigs. They're pets. And I'm paying 44.

02:27Pigs is pigs at 48. And rules is rules, what's more?

02:31Pools is fools, you stubborn fool. Will you not take 44?

02:35Oh, the regular rate is 48.

02:39Very well, then.

02:41You take the high rate, and I'll take the low rate.

02:45And I'll not pay you over 44.

02:49Whenever an agent gets in a debate,

02:51and there is an argument over the rate,

02:54the agent must fire for a rule and apply

02:56and hold on to the package until they reply.

02:59Hold them then and harm them not.

03:02And when you find you're wrong,

03:04deliver them to my address.

03:07Help me, hail and strong.

03:11Then Flannery sat down and sent a telegram away.

03:15Never dreaming he'd regret it until his dying day.

03:22Supervisor's office.

03:23Big town on the drive.

03:25Flannery to Morgan, May 6, 1905.

03:27Holding two animals in a crate.

03:30Big dispute regarding red.

03:31As a guinea pig, a pig or pet.

03:33Give ruling on the red to set.

03:35Flannery.

03:37The supervisor's office was the pride of the company.

03:40It received old Flannery's telegram with trained efficiency.

03:43They examined the wire and immediately dated it,

03:47stamped the receipts,

03:48and then communicated it to the department,

03:50and quadruplicated it.

03:51Copies were sent out to all of the staff.

03:54Each copy received was filed and related to copies of copies,

03:57then checked and notated.

03:58Nine copies of each were then validated,

04:01and contents were noted in ink on a graph.

04:03A cabbage a day keeps the doctor away.

04:09Now, both of you need a name.

04:11I'll call one of you Pat,

04:14and let me see.

04:16Uh, Mike, I'll name the other.

04:18But he quickly changed it to Marie.

04:21Bzz!

04:22When Mike became a mother.

04:24The saints be praised.

04:26Now ain't that fine.

04:29I'm a family man meself.

04:30The guard's last wire of mine,

04:45instead of just two guinea pigs,

04:47I now am holding nine.

04:50The legal department was then delegated

04:53to study the problem now so complicated

04:55when all of the data was accumulated

04:57to make a report and to tell what they know.

04:59The president wanted a full explanation

05:01as well as an overall clarification

05:04of Flannery's wire

05:05that wanted to know if a pig was a pig

05:07and to please tell him so.

05:09Now the grandchild of the first two pigs

05:11had grandsons by the dozens,

05:13and every time the clock would strike,

05:15there were 50 brand new cousins.

05:17The board of directors convened and debated

05:30the question of pigs,

05:31and were they related to pigs or to rabbits

05:33as once indicated by evidence

05:34found by the fact-finding staff.

05:37A boy in the office at first advocated it,

05:39then a zoology professor dictated it.

05:41Here is the answer,

05:42and here's how he stated it.

05:45I reiterate on the company's behalf.

05:48The guinea pig is the cavia aperroia,

05:52while the common pig is the genus sus

05:54of the family suede.

05:56They are not pigs.

05:59A 44-centrate applause.

06:00Ten copies were sent to the filing clerk

06:07and ten to O'Shaughnessy.

06:09Then twenty more in triplicate

06:10were sent on to McGee.

06:12McGee will make a thousand more

06:14for all the clerks to see.

06:16For the janitor,

06:17and the auditor,

06:18and the rest of the company.

06:19A hundred percent to the engineers,

06:21and the firemen each got four.

06:23The section hands got three apiece,

06:25and the hobos twenty more.

06:28With monotonous regularity,

06:30those pigs produced more pigs,

06:32while Flannery tried to stem the tide

06:34by playing them Irish chicks.

06:36Regarding the McMorehouse pigs,

07:05the 44-cent rate applies.

07:06Signed, Morgan.

07:12When Flannery got the telegram,

07:14straight down the road he tore

07:15to take the news to McMorehouse.

07:17But...

07:18McMorehouse doesn't live here anymore.

07:20Then Flannery wired the office.

07:26Tell me quick,

07:27what do I do?

07:29There is no rule to cover the case,

07:31so now it's up to you.

07:34Not me!

07:35CBP!

07:36See Joe!

07:37See Jack!

07:37See Larry!

07:38See Tom!

07:39See Dick!

07:39See Harry!

07:40Then a clever young clerk

07:41made a recommendation

07:42that pigs should be sent

07:43to the main office station.

07:44He never did know

07:44of the multiplication

07:45of two pigs

07:46that grew to a million and two.

07:49Flannery loaded the pigs

07:51in crates,

07:52in boxes,

07:52bags,

07:53and sacks.

07:54He filled 600 boxcars up.

07:57According to the facts,

07:58after loading all the pigs

08:01but two,

08:02and looking weak and one,

08:05Flannery turned to the pigs

08:07and said,

08:09No begat,

08:10and begat,

08:11no begat!

08:24They unloaded the cars

08:25at the main office station

08:26and filled up the warehouse

08:27and in desperation

08:28they stored away pigs

08:29in the whole corporation.

08:30The president shouted

08:30until he was hoarse.

08:34Three officials submitted

08:35a signed resignation

08:36complaining of pigs

08:37in the organization.

08:38The president demanded

08:39an investigation

08:40of Flannery pigs

08:41in the whole office hoarse.

08:44Dear President,

08:47tis not so bad

08:48as it seemed to be once.

08:51What if all those

08:52million guinea pigs

08:54had all been elephants?

09:00from that day forward,

09:15Flannery swore,

09:16No more will I be a fool.

09:19Whenever it comes to livestock,

09:21blast every single rule.

09:22If the animals come in singles

09:24or if they come in sets,

09:26if they've got four feet

09:28and they're alive,

09:29they'll be classified as pets.

09:31The End

09:36The End

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