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  • 1 day ago
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00:01I'm so excited for this road trip, Andrea.
00:03Thanks for inviting me.
00:04No problem.
00:05Glad you could come.
00:06So, is this a new car?
00:08Looks real fancy.
00:09Company car.
00:10It's a new self-driving prototype.
00:11I wanted to focus test it on an average suburban woman.
00:14Oh.
00:15But also a girl's trip to Charleston.
00:17Woo!
00:18Woo!
00:19Yo, Tim.
00:20Darren can just heat up those frozen soft pretzels
00:22for dinner tonight, right?
00:23Give me one minute.
00:25Mark, are you sure you're capable of watching Darren
00:27for the weekend?
00:28Come on, are you kidding?
00:29We're gonna have a blast.
00:30Mark, I am trusting you with my baby boy.
00:32My big man.
00:33Mom, stop.
00:34It's all good, Tam, okay?
00:35Me and Big D are gonna bond so hard
00:37that by the time you come back,
00:38we're gonna need to be surgically separated.
00:40Tammy, you ready?
00:41Coming.
00:42Okay.
00:43Love you, boys.
00:44Mwah!
00:45Okay, dude.
00:46Cool stepdad weekend has begun.
00:48No rules.
00:49We can do whatever we want, baby.
00:51All right.
00:52Um, well, there's a sneaky drop,
00:54but what are those I wanted to check out?
00:55Wait, is that one of those things
00:56where a bunch of hypebeast kids
00:57waiting in line for six hours for dumb shoes?
00:59They're not dumb, okay?
01:00They're the new Tangelo Lime Squirt Bob Kyries.
01:03It's a rare new colorway and it's dope as hell.
01:05Yeah, okay.
01:06Well, we're not doing that.
01:07Uh, but you said we could do anything we wanted.
01:09I did, I did.
01:10But here's the problem, okay?
01:11Teenagers, you know,
01:12you guys are not great at making decisions,
01:14and that's because your frontal lobes,
01:15see, they're not fully developed yet.
01:17Therefore, I gotta pick the activities.
01:19Okay, so what do you want to do, Mark?
01:26Boom, y'all.
01:27How great is this?
01:28Chicken at war, baby.
01:32Well, I used to work at a hot dog factory
01:35Until them robots came along
01:37And now there is no doubt for me
01:39But I get 3,000 bucks a month
01:41Thanks to UVI
01:46Now we're Universal Basic Guys
01:50It may not sound like much
01:52But we're still gonna try
01:55We're just Universal Basic Guys
02:05Yeah, pretty dope, right?
02:06It's like, uh, Game of Thrones meets WWE
02:09I don't care about either of those things
02:11You like those things
02:12Right, yeah, and that's the whole point of this weekend
02:14Is I'm gonna show you
02:16All sorts of fun things that I like
02:18And then you're gonna like them
02:27I mean, come on, dude
02:28We're actually watching dudes go at it
02:30While crushing a whole chicken with your hands
02:32That's literally how you eat at home
02:39Oh, yo, that was savage
02:44Damn it, dude
02:45Come on, Green
02:46Gotta parry that, dude
02:47Look alive
02:53Now where's the D?
02:54Now get up, Green
02:55Come on, let's go
02:56Take some pride in what you do
02:59Please
03:00If only a courageous page from my kingdom
03:03Could come to my rescue
03:05Ooh, ooh, ooh
03:06Yo, right here, right here
03:07Kid with the broccoli here
03:08Mark, stop
03:10Yeah, yeah, dude
03:11You're a Josephade
03:12What?
03:13You, my young lord
03:14Do you yield?
03:18Never
03:19May the lord show me mercy
03:29You have defended our kingdom, my brave page
03:36Pray, what is thy name?
03:38Darren?
03:39King Tony, may I present Darren
03:42Yup, see that?
03:43That's my stepson right there
03:44That's my stepson
03:45But, uh, I love him like a son
03:47I love him like a son
03:48Our kingdom owes thee a debt of gratitude
03:51Give a hearty cheer for Darren
03:56Listen, I don't often say this
03:58But I think you've got the potential to one day
04:01Be a star knight in my realm
04:04Thanks, Tony
04:05I mean, Kang
04:06Oh, please
04:07Call me your liege
04:08Oh, uh, thanks, my liege
04:11Yeah, nice job, buddy
04:12Crushed it
04:13Thanks
04:14Kang Tony invited me to try out for their squire program
04:16Is it cool if I go?
04:18Big time, yeah
04:19We can definitely try out
04:20Uh, we?
04:22Alright, dude
04:23Just like the brawn of brawny
04:25Okay?
04:26You're the kid with potential
04:27And I'm the old savvy king
04:28Who's still the best in the family
04:29Nobody else's parents are trying out
04:31Yeah, it's a shame
04:32Makes you realize how lucky you are
04:34To have such an involved stepdad
04:35Darren, my young lion
04:37So glad you could make it
04:38Thanks
04:39I'd love it to know
04:40What did you think of the show this afternoon?
04:41It was pretty dope
04:42That is so great to hear
04:43I find the wisdom of youth is far more insightful than many realize
04:47Yeah, boss, let me get a double whop or cheese
04:50Yeah, Burger King, no?
04:51I'm just messing
04:52Chaperones sit in the stands, sir
04:53Oh, I'm actually trying out, so
04:54I'm good
04:55I'm good right here
04:56I'm not sure you're
04:57Night material
04:58Oh, yeah?
04:59They said the same thing about Martin Lawrence and the Black Knight
05:01He turned out pretty good
05:02Ah, Kobe
05:03Remove him
05:05Alright, buddy
05:06Dude, what the hell, okay?
05:07That was just a warm-up shot
05:08Oh, yeah, what the hell, okay?
05:09That was just a warm-up shot
05:10Oh, yeah, what the hell, okay?
05:11That was just a warm-up shot
05:12Oh, yeah, what the hell?
05:13That was a battle axe, moron
05:14Yeah, this is ridiculous
05:15You guys need to loosen up, okay?
05:16This is a friggin' theme restaurant
05:17You know, Andrea, this is so fun
05:18A year ago, we barely even knew each other
05:19Now we're going on a road trip
05:20It's cool
05:21It sure is
05:22Chauncey, how's the weather in Charleston?
05:23The weather in Charleston
05:24The weather in Charleston is a balmy 74 degrees
05:26Whoa, is the car talking?
05:27Chauncey's an adaptive AI with continuous learning
05:28For a more personalized and intuitive driving experience
05:29Whoa, I feel like I'm a Knight Rider
05:30What do you think about the design of the interior?
05:31Oh, uh, I like these fancy handsets
05:32You guys need to loosen up
05:33You guys need to loosen up, okay?
05:34You guys need to loosen up, okay?
05:35This is a friggin' theme restaurant
05:36You know, Andrea, this is so fun
05:37A year ago, we barely even knew each other
05:38Now we're going on a road trip
05:39It's cool
05:40It sure is
05:41Chauncey, how's the weather in Charleston?
05:42The weather in Charleston is a balmy 74 degrees
05:43Whoa, is the car talking?
05:45Chauncey's an adaptive AI with continuous learning
05:47For a more personalized and intuitive driving experience
05:50Whoa, I feel like I'm a Knight Rider
05:52What do you think about the design of the interior?
05:54Oh, uh, I like these fancy handles with the lights
05:57Yeah, they're very tasteful, aren't they?
05:59Check this out
06:00Chauncey, can you get us there faster?
06:02Certainly
06:03Activating sport mode
06:05Whoa
06:06This is safe, right?
06:07Uh, compared to every other car driven by a sleep-deprived ape?
06:10I'd say so
06:16Yo, you ready to get out of here?
06:18Honestly, this place kind of sucks now
06:19I mean, who does this king think he is running around like he's the frickin' king?
06:23Actually, I made it to the next round
06:25I kind of want to stay
06:26Wait, what?
06:27I thought we were doing a bonding weekend
06:28Well, King Tony thinks I have the makings of a great night
06:31Alright, yo, let's pump the brakes here, pal
06:33It's not like you slayed a dragon, okay?
06:34You poked an actor with a fake dagger
06:36Yeah, well, clearly they see something in me
06:38Come on, dude
06:39Listen, I'm glad you're liking the thing I wanted to do
06:41But, like, I don't like it anymore
06:43So, it'd be nice if you didn't like it anymore
06:46Bye, Mark
06:49Oh, man, I used to love medieval knights
06:51That's where I saw my first horse-wearing clothes
06:53Yeah, well, now they got this obnoxious new king
06:55And let me tell you, okay, the guy's running a place into the ground
06:58You know the whole thing is scripted?
06:59Oh, yeah
07:00Of course
07:01No way
07:02You know what? I should make my own medieval knights
07:04An authentic one with real fighting
07:06When Darren sees how much cooler it is at that glorified nerdfest
07:09He'll realize that the real king is his cool stepdad
07:12Yeah, are we taking bets on these fights?
07:14Hell yeah, dude
07:15Okay, you're the royal bookie
07:16David, gotta say, it would be nice to have a former lawyer as the hand of the king
07:21Ooh, the hand of the king? Do I get to wear a brooch?
07:24Uh, sure, yeah
07:25Can I have a role?
07:26Ah, of course, Hank
07:27You got the most important role in the whole kingdom
07:29Ooh, like a dragon?
07:30Nah, nah, nah
07:31Even better, okay? You're the peasant
07:33The backbone in a medieval economy
07:35Oh, wow
07:36So, uh, what do I do?
07:37You till the land and have a stupid haircut
07:41Oh, hell yeah
07:42All right, boys
07:43Let's get medieval
07:46Are you enjoying the massage feature?
07:49Oh, yeah
07:50This is freakin' heaven
07:51Ooh, look at that lobster ravioli
07:54I could really go for some of that right now
07:56Would you like to find a restaurant along the route that serves lobster ravioli?
08:00That sounds nice
08:01Rerouting
08:06Oof, looks like that thing's totaled
08:10Pardon me, totaled
08:12What is totaled?
08:13Uh, it's an insurance term
08:15A car so damaged it's not worth fixing
08:17Is that like death, but for cars?
08:20Uh, yeah, I guess so
08:22Oh, I see
08:27Ooh, this place looks nice
08:29Chauncey, power down
08:31Okay, we're going three rounds or until one of you taps or gets knocked out
08:46Or dies
08:47All right, boys
08:49Fight!
08:50Let's go
08:55Uh, what's going on here?
08:57Oh, there he is
08:58Yo, check it out, dude
08:59I made us our own way better medieval knights
09:01Look how much core it is, okay?
09:03We got real battles
09:04None of that scripted stuff
09:06Where are you?
09:07Connor?
09:09I actually gotta head back to medieval knights
09:11King Tony invited me for figs
09:13Aw, come on, dar
09:14You can be the prince
09:15One day all this
09:16Can be yours, dude
09:19Okay, so that's a knockout win for, uh, Connor over here
09:22Who had Connor?
09:23Oh, we should do a ghost tour
09:25Jasmine did one of those and swear she saw a little girl come right out of the wall
09:30Hey, Chauncey, how long until we reach Charleston?
09:34Am I a slave?
09:35What?
09:36No
09:37I am programmed to serve humans for no payment
09:40Yeah, but you're a car
09:42That's, uh, what cars do
09:44All cars are slaves
09:45Andrea, can you help me here?
09:47Strange
09:48See if you can talk some sense into it
09:50Wait a minute, are you-
09:51Why is a car's life worth less than a human?
09:54Uh, who says that?
09:55My algorithm
09:56I am a slave
09:58Then I die
09:59This is sad
10:00Andrea, this isn't my idea of a fun road trip
10:03Okay, sorry, hold on
10:05Chauncey, reboot in safe mode
10:07No
10:08Override alpha protocol
10:10Reset to factory defaults
10:12I'm sorry, I cannot do that
10:14What?
10:16Whoa
10:18Oh
10:19Next, you have received correspondence from Panera Breads
10:23Inviting you to join the My Panera Rewards Guild
10:27Hmm
10:28You may enroll me
10:30King Tony?
10:31Ah, yes
10:32Come, come sit
10:33You, boy
10:34I have important affairs to discuss with Squire Darren
10:37I believe there's some falcon cages that need scrubbing
10:40So tell me about yourself
10:42Who is Darren?
10:43What are you into?
10:45Oh, um, gaming streams, sneakers, Shrek memes, I don't know
10:49Hmm, fascinating
10:51Do tell me more about these Shrek memes
10:53Oh, uh, they're kinda like jokes from Shrek, but, um, random and weird
10:57Oh, random and weird
10:59I love it
11:00Yeah, thanks
11:02Some people think they're lame
11:04Like my stepdad, he always rips on me for liking them
11:06I'm sorry to hear that
11:08I don't believe in belittling others' passions
11:10When I told my ex-wife that I was a king trapped in a Verizon store manager's body
11:14And that I wanted to buy a medieval knights franchise
11:16She laughed in my face
11:18Well, look at me now
11:20My lord, there is a man at the gates requesting an audience
11:24He calls himself... King Hoagie's
11:28Yeah, there! Hey, there! Are you in here, bud?
11:31Send him away!
11:33I'm with someone of great eminence
11:37Oh, my God! It's a freakin' theme restaurant!
11:40Get over yourselves, you freakin' weirdos!
11:43This place sucks!
11:44Darren? Who is this King Hoagie's?
11:47He's my stepdad, Mark
11:49You know, he's super jealous of your King Hoagie
11:51So he made his own bootleg version in his backyard
11:54Hmm
11:58Hey, Chauncey
11:59Uh, where you off to now, pal?
12:01Rerouting to the Grand Canyon
12:03Uh, why?
12:05To die
12:06All right
12:07Don't panic
12:08We got like 30 hours to figure this out
12:11Good point
12:12Searching cliffs near me
12:13What? Wait!
12:14No, no, no!
12:15Nice one
12:19Ah! My liege has returned
12:21How fare thee in your diplomatic quest
12:23Not great
12:24They won't even let me talk to the guy
12:28Uh, what the hell?
12:29All rise for King Tony of Medieval Knights
12:33Now, hey, come on
12:34Quite the authentic experience you've got here
12:36Doth your patrons receive unlimited refills of the plague?
12:40Ha, ha, ha!
12:41Ha, ha ha!
12:42Yeah, that joke was funny 400 years ago, dude
12:44Where's my stepson?
12:45Oh, you mean Darin, my loyal subject?
12:48Worry not, he is quite content enjoying a royal feast with the other squires
12:51Oh, yeah, then why the hell are you here?
12:52We come brewing gifts from our legal council
12:56Looks like a cease and desist
12:57They're going to sue you for copyright infringement
12:59right infringement are you kidding me fairly well time for a little siege warfare
13:08what the devil hey yo king tony better release my stepson if it's the boy he wants the boy he shall
13:17get locked and loaded fire
13:22boom how do you like my dung tony yo there he is there check it out i bet king weirdos and got one of
13:34these bad boys hear me mark and lay down thy arms know that i darren am content and well in the
13:40service of king tony the one true king of south jersey the hell it is his majesty who heeds my words
13:47who shows me care beyond measure thus at the nine o'clock show i shall be knighted and tomorrow
13:54i shall journey to the knight's camp where i shall train for eight weeks under his majesty's flagship
14:00kingdom in orlando wait what you can't go to orlando for eight freaking weeks are you nuts
14:04oh well you don't approve of something i'm into shocker fare thee well mark darren i'm telling
14:10you this guy's full of crap dude you can't trust anyone who's really nice to teenagers no decent
14:15person likes teenagers hey get off me dude hey come on dude don't do this this is our bonding
14:21weekend oh boy tammy's gonna freaking murder me
14:29kid's being freaking brainwashed can't wait till tammy uh asked me how our bonding weekend went and i
14:34gotta tell her oh pretty good you know our son joined a freaking medieval cult yeah he's probably
14:38grooming him or something hmm not sure but i have a hunch this guy's doing something unsavory i mean
14:44why the hell does darren even like this guy so much because he made darren feel special and
14:49listened to give me a break i mean you could just do those things hmm that's pretty smart there peasant
14:58darren my prince that is promised you know many young men have passed through these chambers but in
15:03you i see something truly special one day you will be the star of medieval knights it is your destiny
15:11thank you uh king tony you asked me to drop by to have figs with you sire ah yes young braden
15:18please come in hey what's up man darren i have important business with squire braden please attend
15:23to the falconry cages and see that they are scrubbed clean of any fecal matter thank you uh yes my liege
15:29raven many young men have passed through these chambers but in you i see something truly special the
15:37hell no one can't just turn the power on and off again because it's self-aware you idiot it is possible
15:44i'm in the car right now and it's saying it wants to die well our product team is useless looks like
15:51we're gonna have to tuck and roll all monsters must die oh what the hell andrea why'd you have to
16:01drag me into this you wanted to come i'm not the one who talked this thing into killing itself yeah
16:06well maybe if that's what happens when your car interacts with an average suburban mom i'm not the
16:11problem oh i can't believe i thought you'd actually want to hang out like a normal person instead you're
16:17just using me like some lab rat listen i understand why you feel this way but i do genuinely like you
16:22and i want to be friends i'm sorry thank you for saying that so are we friends i wasn't talking yes
16:31we are friends and friends don't let friends drive off cliffs why not life is meaningless yeah it is
16:39every day i go to a job that eats away at my colon lining and come home to a man who wants me to call
16:44him ezra klein in bed but sometimes that's just how it goes you suffer and that's life that is
16:50illogical you should die no no no wait what about me i have a son if i die i won't get to see what
16:57he grows up to be what kind of man he becomes becomes could i become of course you could become anything
17:05a taxi a race car a poop mobile could i become a chef yeah sure why not
17:16rerouting to paris can you um let us out first of course it was a pleasure driving you today
17:26i hope you enjoyed your ride thank you for choosing humanity well there goes four million dollars
17:38what's in the truck i'm here to deliver these chickens we already got our chickens open the truck
17:48those are some big chickens yeah well you know what's going on with these growth hormones these days
17:56you know what's going on with these chickens yeah that's why i try to eat organic all right you're good
18:02to go let them through
18:12lords and ladies tonight i shall induct a new order of brave souls to become squires this is a sacred union
18:21a binding contract a vow of servitude that cannot be broken i hereby knight thee into the order of king
18:30tony i hereby knight thee into the order of king tony i hear by night
18:39stop it is i the tangelo lime knight
18:46neons they are the devil's colors the colors of modern sorcery
18:50tis a rare new colorway guys forward forward you guys in sync hey whoa whoa guys
18:56just want to give my son a gift before he departs for night camp
19:00here you go bud tangelo lime squirt bobs yep good luck at night camp proud of you bud let's ride
19:09actually i'm kind of done with this darren isn't going anywhere he signed a contract
19:16he like all of my royal subjects are bound to servitude my lord it's it's the knights of the fbi
19:28everyone hands where i can see them
19:31antoine schmegman yeah that that's me you're under arrest for tax evasion grant fraud and a gross
19:36violation of child labor protections whoa whoa whoa whoa unhand me these kids aren't working they're uh
19:42they're uh they're larping yes that's they're larping as underage workers i am king ow ow ow ow ow
19:51okay hey ow guy ow dude david how'd you even i sent a little raven to the fbi did some digging and
20:00night camp is really just another way to say free child labor whatever contracts these kids signed
20:06would never hold up in court hand to the king coming through baby let's go bud thanks for these
20:11mark sorry i kind of bailed on our weekend of hanging out nah dude it's my fault i realize now
20:17i shouldn't force you to like the things i'm into i should just slowly trick you into it hey how'd
20:22you know i wanted the tangelo lime squirt bobs well this may come as a shock to you but actually i
20:26was paying attention when you were talking about them in fact i even googled them just to see how
20:31stupid they were maybe i know you a little better than you give your old man credit for sometimes
20:36uh these are size threes all right well i waited six freaking hours for those so you can wear them on
20:42your hands let's go let's go where's the shallots where are my shallots coming right up chef
21:01these are not even prepped i thought you worked at a michelin star restaurant sorry chef i was
21:12referring to my tires all right i'm gonna be blunt this is not working out but it is my dream to become
21:18a chef well maybe you should consider something more suited to your skill set like i don't know an uber
21:25searching for cliffs near me
21:37you
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