00:00Thank you for joining us on a special night.
00:02It's today, my friend, our band leader,
00:04Cleto, turns 50 years old.
00:05Oh, thank you very much.
00:10I met Cleto in January of 1977, when my family moved from
00:14Brooklyn to Las Vegas.
00:15Cleto lived across the street from us.
00:17The first time we met, I was riding a bike,
00:19wearing boxing gloves, and my mother's sunglasses.
00:22Yes.
00:22And Cleto saw me and assumed I was mentally challenged.
00:25Yes, I was not.
00:27But we began a lifetime of friendship
00:29that was highlighted by the kind of torture
00:32that you can only inflict, an older brother
00:34can inflict on you without being arrested.
00:36One time I built a, I'm going to share a couple of stories
00:40about you.
00:40I built a go-kart out of wood, and I hammered nails in.
00:44I put wheels on the thing.
00:45Cleto snuck into my garage and glued the steering column
00:48so that I couldn't turn the wheel left or right.
00:51I went right into traffic.
00:54Cleto had a bicycle with a sidecar attached to it.
00:56We called it the side hack.
00:58I would get into the sidecar.
00:59And then Cleto would drive me directly
01:01into garbage cans and bushes.
01:05When I would leave my house to go home,
01:06I would sometimes have to run home,
01:08because I'd turn around and see him on the lawn
01:09with his BB gun just shooting at me.
01:12When his parents, Cleto Sr., when they were at work,
01:15sometimes Cleto would go into his dad's closet
01:18and steal his shotgun.
01:19And then we'd go out in the backyard,
01:20and we'd shoot kites out of the sky.
01:23Cleto was very advanced sexually.
01:25Well, he is.
01:27Cleto still are, right?
01:29I'd like to see him straight.
01:34Cleto lost his virginity when he was seven years old.
01:37No, no.
01:38How old were you when you lost your virginity?
01:4014.
01:4114 years old.
01:42The only thing I lost when I was 14 was my retainer.
01:44But Cleto taught me everything I needed to know.
01:48He taught me some things I didn't need to know, in fact.
01:50We were in high school.
01:51My parents went out of the town.
01:53Cleto brought his girlfriend over to my house
01:55to make love in my parents' bed,
01:58and left a condom wrapper on the floor.
02:01He used to wear two condoms to be safe.
02:02It wasn't on the floor, though.
02:03What?
02:04I put it in the trash.
02:05Wherever it was, my mother found it.
02:08Cleto taught my little brother to fear a monster
02:11that he named the Penis Man.
02:14And what the Penis Man would do if you didn't listen to Cleto,
02:17he would sneak into your bedroom and chop off your penis.
02:20He's kind of like the Tooth Fairy, but not as fun.
02:24My mother would sometimes drive us to school.
02:26We had a big Chevy Impala station wagon.
02:29Cleto would quietly in the back slip out of his pants,
02:31and moon people from the back of our car,
02:33his little brown ass would be pressed up against the window
02:37right above a bumper sticker that said,
02:38the family that prays together stays together.
02:44Every time we got in the car.
02:47And those are the stories that I can mention on television.
02:51There are about 200 others that I can't.
02:53But here's some pictures from that time.
02:55You see there's me and Cleto.
02:56Cleto has a saxophone and my clarinet.
02:58This is part of the reason I kept my virginity for so long.
03:02Here we are completing some kind of a business transaction.
03:05That's taken during the Great Cake Compromise of 1978.
03:09And there we are, our first time making love in his pants.
03:13So, happy birthday to you, Cleto.
03:19Thank you very much.
03:28I can't wait till your kids turn 12 and see this.
03:30Oh my God.
03:32And find out their father is a secret maniac.
03:34Nice.
03:34Jimmy Kimmel Live weeknights at 1135, 1035 Central on ABC.
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