Jimmy Kimmel Celebrates Cleto Escobedo s 50th Birthday on Jimmy Kimmel

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The segment, which aired on August 24, 2016, was equal parts heartfelt tribute and roast. “I met Cleto in January of 1977 when my family moved from Brooklyn to Las Vegas,” Kimmel recalled. “The first time we met, I was riding a bike wearing boxing gloves and my mother’s sunglasses. Cleto saw me and assumed I was mentally challenged. But we began a lifetime of friendship.”

Transcript

00:00Thank you for joining us on a special night.

00:02It's today, my friend, our band leader,

00:04Cleto, turns 50 years old.

00:05Oh, thank you very much.

00:10I met Cleto in January of 1977, when my family moved from

00:14Brooklyn to Las Vegas.

00:15Cleto lived across the street from us.

00:17The first time we met, I was riding a bike,

00:19wearing boxing gloves, and my mother's sunglasses.

00:22Yes.

00:22And Cleto saw me and assumed I was mentally challenged.

00:25Yes, I was not.

00:27But we began a lifetime of friendship

00:29that was highlighted by the kind of torture

00:32that you can only inflict, an older brother

00:34can inflict on you without being arrested.

00:36One time I built a, I'm going to share a couple of stories

00:40about you.

00:40I built a go-kart out of wood, and I hammered nails in.

00:44I put wheels on the thing.

00:45Cleto snuck into my garage and glued the steering column

00:48so that I couldn't turn the wheel left or right.

00:51I went right into traffic.

00:54Cleto had a bicycle with a sidecar attached to it.

00:56We called it the side hack.

00:58I would get into the sidecar.

00:59And then Cleto would drive me directly

01:01into garbage cans and bushes.

01:05When I would leave my house to go home,

01:06I would sometimes have to run home,

01:08because I'd turn around and see him on the lawn

01:09with his BB gun just shooting at me.

01:12When his parents, Cleto Sr., when they were at work,

01:15sometimes Cleto would go into his dad's closet

01:18and steal his shotgun.

01:19And then we'd go out in the backyard,

01:20and we'd shoot kites out of the sky.

01:23Cleto was very advanced sexually.

01:25Well, he is.

01:27Cleto still are, right?

01:29I'd like to see him straight.

01:34Cleto lost his virginity when he was seven years old.

01:37No, no.

01:38How old were you when you lost your virginity?

01:4014.

01:4114 years old.

01:42The only thing I lost when I was 14 was my retainer.

01:44But Cleto taught me everything I needed to know.

01:48He taught me some things I didn't need to know, in fact.

01:50We were in high school.

01:51My parents went out of the town.

01:53Cleto brought his girlfriend over to my house

01:55to make love in my parents' bed,

01:58and left a condom wrapper on the floor.

02:01He used to wear two condoms to be safe.

02:02It wasn't on the floor, though.

02:03What?

02:04I put it in the trash.

02:05Wherever it was, my mother found it.

02:08Cleto taught my little brother to fear a monster

02:11that he named the Penis Man.

02:14And what the Penis Man would do if you didn't listen to Cleto,

02:17he would sneak into your bedroom and chop off your penis.

02:20He's kind of like the Tooth Fairy, but not as fun.

02:24My mother would sometimes drive us to school.

02:26We had a big Chevy Impala station wagon.

02:29Cleto would quietly in the back slip out of his pants,

02:31and moon people from the back of our car,

02:33his little brown ass would be pressed up against the window

02:37right above a bumper sticker that said,

02:38the family that prays together stays together.

02:44Every time we got in the car.

02:47And those are the stories that I can mention on television.

02:51There are about 200 others that I can't.

02:53But here's some pictures from that time.

02:55You see there's me and Cleto.

02:56Cleto has a saxophone and my clarinet.

02:58This is part of the reason I kept my virginity for so long.

03:02Here we are completing some kind of a business transaction.

03:05That's taken during the Great Cake Compromise of 1978.

03:09And there we are, our first time making love in his pants.

03:13So, happy birthday to you, Cleto.

03:19Thank you very much.

03:28I can't wait till your kids turn 12 and see this.

03:30Oh my God.

03:32And find out their father is a secret maniac.

03:34Nice.

03:34Jimmy Kimmel Live weeknights at 1135, 1035 Central on ABC.

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