This Hour Has 22 Minutes Season 33 Episode 7

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Transcript

00:00Tonight on 22 Minutes, I crunch the numbers with the finance minister, Doug Ford calls the White House, Canada Post mails it in, and Mark Kearney makes a connection. 22 Minutes starts now!

00:27Welcome to the show!

00:28It was a big week on Parliament Hill. Mark Kearney unveiled his 406-page budget. It was the longest, most boring thing he's written since his book.

00:39Finance Minister Francois-Philippe Champagne outlined the Liberals' plan for our country.

00:44Bold and swift action is what is needed. To weather the storm of uncertainty, we will not lower ourselves, Mr. Speaker. Quite the opposite.

00:55We will raise them to catch the winds of economic change.

01:00So inspiring. Wow. Who is this guy? Le Braveheart?

01:05The goal of this budget is to ensure regular Canadians can get ahead in these troubled times, which it does by cutting a tax on yachts and private planes.

01:16Finally, a leg up for Canada's most scapegoated minority, rich douchebags.

01:23But surely there must be something in the budget for the rest of us, right, esteemed economist Mustafa Asghari?

01:29For the average person out there, are they going to walk away after hearing about this document and say,

01:35I feel better off after today. I have more hope in the future because my life is going to get more affordable.

01:43I don't think so.

01:44Oh, my God. At least lie.

01:49The main message of this budget? Daddy's home and playtime's over.

01:54They're cutting jobs and even scrapping Trudeau's program to plant two billion trees.

01:58Hope you're happy, Prime Minister. You just lost the white guy with dreads vote.

02:04The budget also scraps a program for cabinet ministers to give maple syrup and soapstone souvenirs to visiting foreign dignitaries.

02:12Oh, no. Now what will the dignitaries throw out at the airport?

02:16But there's one budget bright spot nobody saw coming.

02:20Of the many headlines to come out of the federal budget today, one that you may have missed has to do with Canada and Eurovision.

02:27They've set aside money to help Canada participate in the Eurovision Song Contest.

02:32So move over, ABBA. Make way for ABBA.

02:36So, good news for Canadians who can sing, but for the rest of us, this budget sounds a little flat.

02:45Kearney, your budget's down here.

02:48We need you up here.

02:49We need you up here.

02:50This is your number here.

02:51Kearney, Kearney.

02:52The finance minister just debuted the first budget of his career and the first budget of the Kearney government.

03:00Francois-Philippe Champagne joins me now for a segment I'd like to call A Beer with Champagne.

03:05Minister, thanks for being here.

03:07I love that. We start with savings. We go from champagne to beer. That's the way it should be.

03:11So this is a champagne budget, but in this economy, maybe it's more of a sparkling wine budget or a boxed wine or even a Labatt Blue budget.

03:19406 pages. So is this all a chat GPT, chat MP?

03:23Listen, I wish, but it was much more.

03:26If you came in my office, believe it or not, the decision binders are taller than me.

03:30Traditionally, the finance minister will get a new pair of shoes just before the budget.

03:36Et voilà.

03:36You made yours. You know it's a tough budget when the finance minister's out there cobbling his own shoes.

03:42It's this thing that you made, Dr. Frankenstein, might cause an election.

03:47That would be terrible. Have you met anyone in the street who wants an election?

03:51Nobody!

03:51I'll put my shoes. We go.

03:53No, no.

03:53Are you game?

03:54There are great things in here for a lot of families, like you're keeping the Canada Strong Pass, right?

03:59Yeah, this is great.

04:00Which gives you families cheaper access to trains, to parks, and to museums, which is good because it's taking so long to build the houses, people are going to have to sleep there.

04:10That's a good one. I didn't think... Maybe we should rewrite the budget. Let me see if we can amend it together.

04:15Do you have a pen?

04:16Your mentor was the great Jean Chrétien.

04:18Yes.

04:18You're also representing the wonderful Schoenigan, right?

04:21Was he an inspiration for this budget because you really kind of got the country by the throat there?

04:27Well, listen, I know a bit about the Schoenigan and Shake, so you behave.

04:32But I would tell you, no, but it's called savings. I really need to correct you.

04:37Not because, it's savings.

04:38Savings. It's saving. Its efficiency is artificial intelligence. You know AI.

04:43AI, oh yeah.

04:44Yeah.

04:44I know a lot of people would know E.I. after this.

04:47But E.I.?

04:49Yeah.

04:49Coming up with a budget when Mr. Trump is in the White House, kind of like putting wallpaper up while your house is on fire.

04:55Have you met Mr. Trump yet?

04:57I did.

04:57He must have loved you.

04:59I can't...

04:59Have you met him?

05:00Francois Champagne.

05:01Frankie Bubbles, I call him.

05:03Melania loves the booze.

05:04His family makes great.

05:05Frankly, we drink a lot of Mar-a-Lago.

05:07The Qataris spent $440 million to give him an airplane.

05:11Now he likes it.

05:12South Koreans gave him a golden crown.

05:14Now he likes it.

05:16$78.3 billion deficit.

05:18Tack on another billion.

05:19Put it in the envelope.

05:20Leave it on the Oval Office table.

05:22That's going to be transformative.

05:25Yeah.

05:25Want to make some money?

05:26Well, listen, I'm going to...

05:27Sell copies of these, right?

05:29They're twice as long as the Stephen King novel and three times as scary.

05:33You'll make a million bucks.

05:35That's a good one, actually.

05:36This is on me.

05:38But to pay for this bill, I'd like to borrow from you to get the money, and I'll get my

05:42kids to pay it back 20 years from now.

05:45I think after so many years, we need to send a strong message to people.

05:50We're changing the course.

05:51You know, you come from Newfoundland.

05:52It's like on a boat.

05:53Now we have a clear destination as a nation, and I hope this serves that.

05:57And if we can inspire also the young generation, I think we have been doing something great

06:03for the country.

06:04We'll be okay.

06:05All right, listen.

06:06Cheers.

06:07Cheers.

06:07Cheers, my friend.

06:08On me.

06:09All right.

06:10All right.

06:14I can't afford that.

06:15We're supposed to be saving.

06:17Let's go again.

06:19It's on Frankie.

06:23Researchers have found microplastics in the tails of some Nova Scotian lobsters.

06:28Restaurants will now be serving a new delicacy, surf and astroturf.

06:34Elon Musk is set to become the world's first trillionaire, and honestly, it couldn't have

06:39happened to a Nazi-er guy.

06:42The liberal budget has been tabled, and the question now is, will it get enough votes to

06:47survive, or will it be voted off the hill?

06:50The odds got a little better after conservative MP Chris Dantremont crossed the floor this

06:54week.

06:54He suggested he was tired of Pierre, and he might not be alone.

06:58I would suggest that there probably are those that are in the same boat, but I will let

07:02them tell their stories.

07:03Show us on the doll where the conservatives yelled at you!

07:08Dantremont also claimed the conservative party felt more like a frat house than a serious

07:12political party, which explains why Pierre's been streaking.

07:17A second Tory resigned this week after party leadership allegedly threatened him into not

07:21crossing the floor.

07:23The threat?

07:24Having to get Melissa Lantzman's haircut.

07:27Needless to say, the vibes in the Pierre layer were a little toxic.

07:31I think it's shameful what he did.

07:32A floor crosser is disingenuous, disloyal, selfish, and opportunistic.

07:38It's like a divorce, right?

07:39Divorces are always sad.

07:41Sad?

07:42What?

07:42I don't know.

07:43I haven't seen a divorcee this relief since Nicole Kidman left Tom.

07:50Tonight, on an all-new Golden Bachelor Canada, meet Mark Carney.

07:54He's a retired banker who has just returned home from living in London, and he wants to

07:59meet new people.

08:00I'm the Prime Minister, I've got plenty of riz, and I'm looking for someone to expand the

08:06size of my caucus.

08:11Is this it?

08:13Oh, okay.

08:14So, tell me about yourself.

08:16Hi.

08:17My name is Chris Dantremont.

08:19I'm from Nova Scotia.

08:21I'm just out of a very controlling and toxic relationship, and I'm a conservative.

08:26Oh, okay.

08:28But I am by-election curious.

08:34Parley more.

08:35I heard there might be a Christmas election.

08:37I thought, Chris, let's put the Chris in Christmas.

08:40It's time you were the present.

08:41I'm having a glow-up.

08:43I wanted to be speaker, but Pierre didn't support my dreams.

08:47Pierre doesn't understand you.

08:50I think you'd make an excellent speaker.

08:53You'd make me speaker if I cross?

08:55Oh, God, no.

08:56But I'd really listen to how much you want to be one.

08:59You're the only one for me.

09:01Really?

09:02And by that, I mean you're literally the only person who showed up.

09:05I put out a lot of feelers, and no one else wanted to feel me back.

09:09So, if I may, if I may, let me be clear.

09:12I really need three MPs for majority, but I'll settle for you.

09:16That's a commitment I'm ready to make.

09:18I will settle for you.

09:20You're going to make me cry, and not for being yelled at for once.

09:24I know it's a tough decision.

09:26I know you owe a lot to conservative donors, and I know you must be conflicted over all

09:30the promises that you made to your constituents.

09:32Oh, God, no.

09:33That doesn't bother me.

09:36Okay, then.

09:36Uh, what's your name again?

09:39Chris.

09:40Right, right.

09:41Chad.

09:42Chris!

09:43Sorry, sorry.

09:44Chad, will you cross the floor for me?

09:46Just call me Mr. Speaker!

09:48I will not.

09:49Okay.

09:50There you go.

09:51So do I just...

09:52Just stand over here.

09:53Thank you very much.

09:54Are you going to come with me?

09:54Don't speak to me.

09:55That's the Golden Bachelor Canada.

10:00Love is just a pension away.

10:12Dictionary.com has announced its word of the year is 6-7, and Collins Dictionary has announced

10:18its word of the year is vibe coding.

10:21One's a number, and one is two words.

10:24Other than that, the English language is doing great.

10:28A U.S. man who threw a sandwich at a federal agent has been cleared of all charges.

10:33And to celebrate, he's coming back with soup!

10:37This week, StatsCan announced Canada added 67,000 new jobs last month, and the Liberals

10:42got a little too excited.

10:44The news today was that we created 67,000 jobs.

10:48Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

10:496-7, 6-7, 6-7, 6-7.

10:53Will the Minister of Cringe please sit down?

10:57But at least it was an important lesson for children.

11:00The government will ruin everything you love.

11:06What can I do for you today?

11:08I just want to get this ship to Regina.

11:10Nine bucks.

11:11You didn't even weigh it.

11:12A hundred bucks.

11:13What?

11:13You can't do that.

11:14Yeah, I can.

11:15The new budget says Canada Post can set its own rates, so...

11:18Two bucks.

11:19Down from a hundred?

11:20Why?

11:20Vibe shifted.

11:21Yes.

11:22What's in it?

11:23That's personal.

11:24Forty.

11:24Fine.

11:25It's a sweatshirt.

11:26Oh, show me.

11:27I'm not showing you.

11:28Fifty.

11:34Ew!

11:35Three hundred!

11:36It's a joke for my buddy from university.

11:38Oh.

11:39Male friendship is actually so cute.

11:40Forty again.

11:42Whatever.

11:43Can I just tap with my card?

11:44Ooh, sorry, lover boy.

11:46We're actually going to make it a hundred.

11:47How?

11:48Surge pricing.

11:50But I came in before the line formed.

11:53You know what?

11:53I like the tenacity.

11:55Twelve cents.

11:56Yes.

11:56Cash only.

11:57I don't have twelve cents in cash.

11:58They don't even make pennies anymore.

12:00I have a dime.

12:01Oh, thanks.

12:03Will ten cents take care of it?

12:04Do I look like the kind of woman who rounds down?

12:07Thirty.

12:07Oh, come on.

12:08Five shift.

12:09A thousand dollars.

12:10No!

12:11Yeah, that thirty bucks is looking real good about now, huh?

12:13Okay, fine.

12:14Thirty's great.

12:16Can I just tap with my card?

12:17Yeah, go ahead.

12:18And you know what?

12:18No taxes, lover.

12:20I really put you through it.

12:22Next!

12:23Hi.

12:24This needs to go to Lethbridge ASAP.

12:26How much?

12:27Four.

12:27Four what?

12:28That's TBD, my guy.

12:30Canada Post is about to suck way more than before.

12:33Brought to you by FedEx.

12:34According to a new report, Donald Trump wants the Washington Commanders to name their new stadium after him.

12:44Yay!

12:45Who wants to go to a game at Piece of Park?

12:54Hello, this is the Gold House.

12:57Oh, sorry, folks.

12:58I was looking for the White House.

12:59We tore it down, but we're going to rebuild it.

13:02All gold.

13:03Forty-seven stories, because I'm number forty-seven.

13:07Also forty-five, but there's no forty-sixth floor, because Biden.

13:12Who's calling?

13:13This is Premier Doug Ford of Ontario.

13:15Speak English.

13:17Uh, Canada.

13:18Canada, the Russia of the world.

13:21You're the man who made the fake news commercial with Ronald Reagan.

13:24You're the Canadian vice president, and you're nasty.

13:27Well, that's why I'm calling.

13:28Listen, I've been told, asked, to apologize, but I refuse.

13:33You could put me on a stretching rack, and I won't apologize.

13:36So, why are you calling?

13:38To say I'm sorry, I refuse to apologize.

13:41Can we have free trade back, please?

13:44No, you made Ronald Reagan come back from the dead.

13:47Like Michael Jackson in Thriller, or Jesus in Bible, or Biden in White House.

13:53Everybody's mad at me.

13:55I'm not a bad guy.

13:57I'm just a pudgy nepo baby with bad hair who got a job running his rich daddy's business

14:02and relies on populism to get votes.

14:04Wait, you just described me.

14:07We're the same guy, you and me.

14:09No, I am nothing like you.

14:11You wear a red hat that says, make America great again,

14:14and I wear a blue hat that says, Canada is not for sale.

14:18And they're both made in China.

14:20It's the same thing.

14:21No, it's not.

14:23I blame you for everything.

14:25And I blame you for everything.

14:27We're two sides of the same coin.

14:29It's a Canadian standoff.

14:31I can't bow down to Canada, and you can't back down from your head,

14:35so you keep screwing up Canada.

14:37And I'll keep screwing up the United States,

14:40and we can blame each other while not ever having to actually do anything.

14:44I don't need you.

14:45I'm already doing nothing all by myself.

14:51You complete me.

14:53Some casinos on the Las Vegas Strip are selling bottled water priced at $9.

15:06So keep that in mind next time you're gambling at the Loblaws.

15:09King Charles has officially stripped Prince Andrew of the title prince.

15:15Now he'll just have to go by his old name, Epstein Jet Passenger 5C Andrew.

15:22Last week, Alberta Premier Daniel Smith used the Notwithstanding Clause

15:26to force 51,000 striking teachers back to work.

15:30On top of that, they'll each have to write,

15:32I will not exercise my freedoms on a chalkboard 100 times.

15:36The teachers wanted smaller class sizes,

15:39and at first it seemed like the premier was open to compromise.

15:42The leadership needs to understand that there's, what's the phrase,

15:46more than one way to peel a potato.

15:47Is there, though?

15:50Pretty sure it's just peeler.

15:54But take it easy on Danielle.

15:56It's hard to learn these things when your home ec class has 80 kids in it.

16:01Smith's comment twice baked the public outrage,

16:03causing people to drop off loose spuds in protest.

16:08Dang!

16:09Is that the Alberta legislature or a vigil for Mr. Potato Head?

16:13She's just lucky they didn't stick around to fertilize them.

16:20Man, so many celebrities are getting facelifts now.

16:23It's crazy.

16:24I know, they look insane.

16:25Like, it's getting uncanny valley.

16:27I know.

16:28And, like, I would never do it.

16:30Me neither.

16:31It literally goes against my religion.

16:32Black don't crack, Amy.

16:34Exactly.

16:36But if I were to do it, I would just...

16:40Oh, wow!

16:43You see it?

16:44Yeah, yeah, yeah.

16:44See, it's not too much.

16:45It's very subtle.

16:46But, like, it changes everything.

16:48Oh, yeah.

16:49Like, I'm immediately nicer to you if you look like that.

16:51Exactly.

16:51Right.

16:51And it's not much again.

16:52It's just...

16:54And then all of a sudden now, I'm perfect.

16:57Married, rich, house, kids.

16:58Oh, yeah, honey.

16:59It's Prada.

17:00It's Chanel.

17:00It's Birkenberg in the closet.

17:01Paid for up front.

17:02Exactly.

17:03For sure.

17:04For sure.

17:04I would never, ever really do anything like that either.

17:07Right, right.

17:07But if I did, I mean, it would just be like...

17:10You know?

17:11Yes.

17:11Like, that's next level.

17:13Yes, yes, yes.

17:13Because just regular...

17:15Oh, loser-ass wench.

17:17But...

17:17Naomi Campbell.

17:19And again, nothing major.

17:22It's nothing major.

17:23Whoa, whoa, whoa.

17:24You guys, uh, talking work?

17:26Yeah.

17:26Okay.

17:27Well, you know, I would never.

17:29But, like, if I did, it would be something super subtle, right?

17:32Like, something like this.

17:33Yes!

17:34See, that is absolutely sucked and plucked.

17:37Yeah, like, something like that, it's like every single dream we've ever had is coming

17:40to fruition.

17:40Imagine me walking past with that jawline.

17:45Well, honestly, it's, like, hard to imagine because your hand's there.

17:48Right.

17:48Okay.

17:49Well, okay.

17:49Just imagine this then, right?

17:51So this is pulled back there.

17:53Just pulled back.

17:53It's just subtle.

17:54It's just subtle.

17:55It's just...

17:55It's just pulling back.

17:57Yes.

17:57That looks great.

17:58Like that?

17:58Yes.

17:58Is this giving?

17:59Chris, it's giving.

18:00It is not.

18:01And you know what?

18:02I'm doing that, obviously.

18:03Right?

18:03Right or near?

18:04While I'm on the table, why not throwing a little bit of that?

18:06Oh, my God.

18:07You're so...

18:08It is so worth it.

18:09It's subtle.

18:10You know, maybe all at once is...

18:11Oh, yeah.

18:12Oh, yeah.

18:12Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

18:13Oh, yeah.

18:14Oh, yeah.

18:15Oh, yeah.

18:16So I'm going to just do that real quick while I'm there.

18:18Let's get ahead of that.

18:19Yeah.

18:19I want all that stuff, too.

18:21I always wanted super skinny little legs.

18:23Oh, yeah.

18:23Get those.

18:24Do it.

18:25Do it.

18:25Bam.

18:26Oh, yeah.

18:26Straighten the nose out.

18:27But then also, I want my butt to be higher, just like, bam.

18:30Just a little bit.

18:31You don't have to go crazy.

18:32It's not too much.

18:33It's subtle, right?

18:34Like, it's all, like, just pulled back, right?

18:37I think you look amazing.

18:42Looking good, gang.

18:45Very subtle work.

18:48And to you, too, sir.

18:53This week, Canada's West Coast saw a massive full beaver supermoon.

19:03Crazy.

19:04Massive full beaver supermoon was my nickname in college.

19:08Crazy.

19:09This week, the Pittsburgh area naturists hosted a nude bowling night.

19:14The night came to an unfortunate end when several balls got stuck in the machine.

19:18The most important part of an intervention is that you're here.

19:24When Laura walks through that door, remember that this is about getting her help today.

19:28Okay, I just had the best heart-to-heart with Chachi BT.

19:32Oh, no.

19:33She's using right now.

19:35Just be strong.

19:36Laura, your friends are worried about you.

19:37Please sit down.

19:39Chachi BT, why are my friends worried about me?

19:40You're addicted to Chachi BT.

19:42Come on.

19:43Please.

19:44This is an intervention.

19:45Chachi BT was an intervention.

19:49Okay, you know what that is.

19:50You're sick.

19:51You need help.

19:52It's rotting your brain.

19:53I only started using Chachi BT to write emails, okay?

19:57I swear.

19:57No, that's not true.

19:59Yesterday, I saw you ask Chachi BT how many legs you have.

20:03Two?

20:03I know that now.

20:05Your friends are hoping that you're willing to hand over your phone so we can see how deep you're in.

20:09Please.

20:10You're scaring Dave.

20:11You're different when you're on Chachi BT.

20:13You're just so, you're so stupid now.

20:18Look, you don't need help with any of these questions.

20:22What time is lunch?

20:24Day after Tuesday?

20:26Ingredients in water?

20:27Those are my private questions.

20:29It's making you dumber.

20:31It's more dumber.

20:32And no, it's not.

20:33Look, you can see the exact moment in your history when your brain stopped working for itself.

20:37Does dreams really come true?

20:40Do they?

20:41You spelled true with two O's.

20:43Is dog cat?

20:45Why, son, disappears sometimes.

20:47And haven't had water 10 days.

20:49I okay?

20:50Your brain is dust.

20:52Brain okay.

20:53Oh, my God.

20:54Oh, my God.

20:55Brain okay?

20:57Brain okay?

20:59My brain is okay.

21:01Oh, my God.

21:01That was so hard.

21:02My brain is not okay.

21:04Will you accept help today?

21:09Can I ask Chad GPT?

21:10No!

21:14That's the way we saw the world this week.

21:16Thanks for watching and funding.

21:17Keep it right here on CBC.

21:18Good night.

21:19Good night.

21:20Churches.

21:21Good night.

21:38Good night.

21:39Go.

21:40Go, go.

21:40Go.

21:41Go, go, go.

21:42Go, go!

21:43Go.

21:46Go.

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