- 2 weeks ago
In 1969, Fred Lebow was a slow runner in the small outsider community of road runners in Brooklyn. However, they're forced by traffic and locals to move out to ...
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00I'm running around, dance again about town
00:00:25It's alright, cause I'm feeling good
00:00:27Give me when I turn, there's always something to love
00:00:31Live your life like you know you should
00:00:34I'll just give on moving, baby
00:00:37Run for you, I'm feeling good, you know
00:00:43Cause I'm falling free
00:00:45Oh, thanks very much
00:00:50Oh, thanks, mate
00:00:55Fibre
00:00:57Oh, good on you, mate
00:00:59Lovely
00:01:00You're in a window
00:01:01Right, young man, now you go up wide tall to Trafalgar Square
00:01:12He bloody knows they're booking them cats, eh?
00:01:15Well, I'm only hell on it
00:01:17Oh, thanks
00:01:18Well, I know that, I know that
00:01:20I'm running around, dance again about town
00:01:23It's alright, cause I'm feeling good
00:01:26Everywhere I turn, there's always something to love
00:01:30Live your life like you know you should
00:01:32I'll just give on moving, baby
00:01:36Run for you
00:01:39Feeling good to know, cause I'm running free
00:01:43Life is good, oh baby, I can't just see
00:01:50The real way I've stopped listening
00:01:56Running wild, I'm running free, oh yeah
00:02:01I'm running free, oh yeah
00:02:09Good fan, quick
00:02:13Another long night for you, I suppose
00:02:39No, I'm actually on my way on
00:02:41Great, I won't have to give you a tip then, will I?
00:02:45You mean old fucker
00:02:47Please, help!
00:03:01Just give us your bag, you silly cow!
00:03:03Watch your language, you little bastard!
00:03:06I'll kick you in the balls!
00:03:20Hey!
00:03:21Hey!
00:03:22Help!
00:03:23My knee!
00:03:24Hey!
00:03:25Hey!
00:03:26Piss off!
00:03:27Oh!
00:03:28Language!
00:03:29Fart face!
00:03:30No!
00:03:31Piss off or I'll kick you in the balls!
00:03:32Oh!
00:03:33Bollocks!
00:03:50Oh!
00:03:51Oh!
00:03:52Oh!
00:03:53Oh!
00:03:54Look at that!
00:03:55Dented my dog's dinner!
00:03:57It's right down by that taxi officer!
00:03:59And the two boys ran off down that way!
00:04:00And I saw it first!
00:04:01Come on!
00:04:02Come on!
00:04:03Come on!
00:04:04Good dog!
00:04:05I'll have a piece of that myself!
00:04:07Come on!
00:04:08Come on!
00:04:09Come on!
00:04:10Good dog!
00:04:11I'll have a piece of that myself!
00:04:12Come on!
00:04:13Come on!
00:04:14Come on!
00:04:15Good dog!
00:04:16I'll have a piece of that myself!
00:04:18Come on!
00:04:19Right, mate!
00:04:20Come on!
00:04:21Come on!
00:04:22Strap off!
00:04:23Come on, mate!
00:04:24Chirret!
00:04:25Right!
00:04:26Here we go!
00:04:27Whoa!
00:04:28Nice and easy!
00:04:29Come on!
00:04:30Put the kettle on, shall I?
00:04:31Yeah, you too!
00:04:32Come on!
00:04:33Here we go!
00:04:34Watch yourself!
00:04:35Come on!
00:04:36Watch yourself!
00:04:37Come on!
00:04:38Nice and easy. I'll put the kettle on, shall I?
00:04:40Yeah, you do. Come on.
00:04:45Here we go. Watch yourself. Come on.
00:04:48There we go.
00:05:08John?
00:05:17Johnny!
00:05:20John?
00:05:23Where the hell are you?
00:05:28Taxi?
00:05:38No, no, no.
00:06:08Finsbury Police Station?
00:06:20It's Mrs Smith speaking.
00:06:26Stockwell Police Station?
00:06:29It is Mrs Smith speaking.
00:06:31I'm worried about my husband, Mr John Smith.
00:06:34John Smith?
00:06:36He's a taxi driver.
00:06:37He's a taxi driver.
00:06:38He's a taxi driver?
00:06:39He was due back at 12 o'clock last night.
00:06:41And he was due back at half past seven this morning.
00:06:43I'm worried.
00:06:44Well, he might have fallen asleep at the wheel of his taxi.
00:06:47At average, I suppose.
00:06:49Normal, really.
00:06:50Medium build.
00:06:51Medium build.
00:06:52Brown hair.
00:06:53Brown eyes.
00:06:54Sort of cuddly.
00:06:55Sort of cuddly.
00:06:56I'm sure well sorted out, Mrs Smith.
00:06:58Now, could you just give me your address, please?
00:07:03And here's a copy of Mr Smith's hospital report.
00:07:05How long's he going to be?
00:07:06I've been waiting 20 minutes already.
00:07:08Here comes our hero now.
00:07:09You know, I love this place.
00:07:12Mine's bigger than yours, Johnny boy.
00:07:14Good luck, mate.
00:07:15Break your leg, Quended.
00:07:20Oh, hello.
00:07:22He's on a high dose of tranquilizers.
00:07:24Yeah, I can see that.
00:07:27Mr John Smith?
00:07:28Oh, yes.
00:07:29Detective Sergeant Trout from the Stockwell Police.
00:07:32Morning.
00:07:34Here's Mr Smith's medication.
00:07:36Medication.
00:07:37And here are the keys for Mr Smith's taxi.
00:07:39Oh, thank you very much.
00:07:40No, no.
00:07:41I'll be driving you home.
00:07:42And taking a statement.
00:07:43Is he all right to walk?
00:07:45Yes.
00:07:46Yeah, no, I'm...
00:07:47Oh.
00:07:49Come on, you.
00:07:50Home, James.
00:07:51No, it's John.
00:07:52My name's John.
00:07:53Everybody.
00:07:56You're a nice nurse, ain't you?
00:07:57You're a lovely nurse.
00:07:58Eh?
00:07:59It's not the cough that carries you off.
00:08:07It's the coffee that carry you off.
00:08:16Who's driver?
00:08:17I am.
00:08:19Listen.
00:08:20I am perfectly okay to drive.
00:08:24No, you're not.
00:08:25Now, 104 Stockwell Place, yeah?
00:08:28Hey.
00:08:30That's my address too.
00:08:58I won't give you a tip.
00:09:16Johnny!
00:09:19Hello, Susie.
00:09:20What the hell's happened?
00:09:22He's got a slight concussion.
00:09:23Oh, my God.
00:09:25It'll be okay, Mrs Smith.
00:09:26Oh, no, no, no, that's Susie.
00:09:28Save some poor old lady from two muggers.
00:09:30Johnny!
00:09:31You better get him to bed straight away.
00:09:33Well, if that's an order, babe.
00:09:35You come down and let us in, please.
00:09:37I think you should ask his wife to do that.
00:09:39She lives next door.
00:09:42Sorry, madam.
00:09:43Er, it's Miss, actually.
00:09:46But I'm open to offers, babe.
00:09:49John!
00:09:49Oh, thank God.
00:09:51I'm going to buy you a cake, Johnny boy.
00:09:53Darling, your head.
00:09:55I'm fine.
00:09:57That's my Michelle.
00:09:59Detective Sergeant Troughton, Stockwell Police.
00:10:02I'll be right down.
00:10:04Come on.
00:10:06That's my Michelle.
00:10:08Yeah, you said.
00:10:09And this is Stockwell.
00:10:11Yeah.
00:10:11What time is it?
00:10:129.25.
00:10:13Oh, in the morning?
00:10:14Yes.
00:10:15Schedule.
00:10:16What?
00:10:16I'm well out on my schedule.
00:10:19Oh, my God.
00:10:20It's Thursday morning.
00:10:22Johnny!
00:10:23Oh, my baby.
00:10:24Hello, sweetheart.
00:10:25What on earth's happened?
00:10:29Oh, you poor darling.
00:10:30What a night.
00:10:31I'm late to be morning shift, sweetheart.
00:10:33You are going to bed, sweetheart.
00:10:34No, listen, darling.
00:10:35No bed.
00:10:37All right, Johnny.
00:10:38What the hell's happened to you, mate?
00:10:40Not now, Gary.
00:10:41Gary Gardner.
00:10:42I've got the flat below them.
00:10:43Are you delivering something?
00:10:45Detective Sergeant Troughton, Stockwell Police.
00:10:48The old bill?
00:10:48Darling, I really should get back on the run.
00:10:55No way.
00:10:56Come on.
00:11:05Right.
00:11:05I'm going to make you a nice cup of coffee.
00:11:07You know, I really haven't got time, sweetie.
00:11:09Caffeine.
00:11:10It'll do you good.
00:11:11Would you like a coffee, Sergeant?
00:11:13No, thanks, Mrs Smith.
00:11:14I'll take your husband's statement.
00:11:15Be on my way.
00:11:16Two sugars on me, love.
00:11:17And the hospital gave him this medication.
00:11:21My poor baby.
00:11:23Yeah.
00:11:24Come on, mate, let's quit, Sergeant.
00:11:25I really don't need to be off.
00:11:27So do I, Mr Smith.
00:11:28Yes, let the Sergeant get back to his duties.
00:11:30Do you know, Sergeant, there's a man knocked down in Stockwell every five minutes.
00:11:33Really?
00:11:34Yeah, and he's getting bloody fed up of it.
00:11:37Yeah, all right.
00:11:41Last night, at approximately 2,300 hours,
00:11:44you were driving your taxi
00:11:45where you witnessed two youths attempting to steal an old lady's handbag.
00:11:49Bloody hell.
00:11:51You intervened in the struggle.
00:11:53Twit.
00:11:54Aren't you going to be late for work, sir?
00:11:56Work?
00:11:57I'm one of the government's vital statistics.
00:11:59Beg your pardon?
00:12:00I'm temporarily unemployed.
00:12:02I see.
00:12:03Although I'm thinking of making it permanent.
00:12:05Really?
00:12:06Yeah.
00:12:06The hours are good.
00:12:07The hours.
00:12:10So, Mr Smith.
00:12:14Allow me.
00:12:15You two carry on.
00:12:17Hello, the Smith residence.
00:12:21No, I'm not Mr Smith.
00:12:24Yes, he is, but he's incapacitated at the moment.
00:12:27Evening who?
00:12:29Echo?
00:12:32London Evening Echo?
00:12:33Well, I'm Mr Smith's sort of press officer.
00:12:40How can I help you?
00:12:41OK, just to get this straight, the two youths ran off.
00:12:44Yeah, down what blue road?
00:12:46You'll never guess who's just been on the phone.
00:12:47Shoosh!
00:12:48And it all ended up with me being hit by a handbag.
00:12:50Daymuggers.
00:12:51That's new, Sergeant.
00:12:52Your coffee's on the table there, then push off.
00:12:54Next thing I know, I wake up in hospital.
00:12:57OK.
00:12:58I'll leave you the telephone number of the police station
00:13:00in case Mr Smith remembers any more.
00:13:02Call me any time or speak to one of my men.
00:13:06Right.
00:13:07I'll drop you off at the station, yeah?
00:13:09You'll stay in here.
00:13:11Ten minute walk.
00:13:12Do me good.
00:13:12I'll see you around.
00:13:13And don't you worry, Sergeant.
00:13:15I don't believe half the stuff I read about you boys in the newspapers.
00:13:19Gardner, wasn't it, sir?
00:13:20But you can call me Gary.
00:13:22I know what I'd call you, sir.
00:13:26Quite a morning, eh?
00:13:27And the best is yet to come.
00:13:28Do you know who that was?
00:13:29So, I've left my two mobiles in the taxi.
00:13:32Two mobiles?
00:13:33I need to make a phone call, and quick.
00:13:35What's wrong with this?
00:13:37Yeah.
00:13:39Now, you wait out in the hall
00:13:41and keep Michelle out of here.
00:13:44What do you mean, keep Michelle out of here?
00:13:45Just do it, as you told me.
00:13:46Well, don't you want to know what's coming?
00:13:47Look, madam, as I've said, I'm sorry.
00:14:04You've had time to email every hospital in the country.
00:14:07I keep telling you, madam, our computer went down, but it's sorted now.
00:14:11My husband could be lying in a hospital bed on one of those vibrators.
00:14:22London Evening Echo.
00:14:26London Evening Echo.
00:14:27Gary Gardner.
00:14:29Yeah, of course you can have my photo.
00:14:30Come on, Steph, come on.
00:14:32I'm very pleased to make your acquaintance.
00:14:33Oh, hey.
00:14:34So, do you want to hear my really exciting news?
00:14:37No, I don't.
00:14:39Right, let's get you in there.
00:14:40Right, I'll pick you up from Tesco's right away, madam.
00:14:44I'm going to have to show off, darling.
00:14:45You're not going anywhere.
00:14:47Now, who wants to hear my really exciting news?
00:14:49You, clear off.
00:14:50No way!
00:14:51I want to be here when the reporter and the photographer turn up.
00:14:54What reporter?
00:14:55London Evening Echo.
00:14:57Interview, photo.
00:14:58Interview?
00:15:00Photo.
00:15:01Oh, God.
00:15:02I need to get changed.
00:15:04I'll wear black because I thought you'd been killed.
00:15:07You absolute idiot.
00:15:11What?
00:15:12What do you mean?
00:15:13You'll be on the front page.
00:15:15Stockwell taxi driver.
00:15:16Hero.
00:15:20I can't be seen in the papers.
00:15:25What do you mean?
00:15:26I can't be seen in the papers.
00:15:27You'll ruin me.
00:15:28I've got to get over to see Stephanie right away.
00:15:31Why would it ruin you?
00:15:32Oh, Stephanie.
00:15:35She's a lady.
00:15:36Hey.
00:15:41Hey.
00:15:42Hey.
00:15:42Hey, hey, hey.
00:15:43So you've got a little bit on the side, have you?
00:15:45There's more to Stephanie than there.
00:15:47Oh, she's a big bird, is she?
00:15:48Lovely.
00:15:49Yes.
00:15:49All hell will break loose if Stephanie reads anything in the newspapers about me and Michelle
00:15:53and living in Stockwell.
00:15:55Oh, what?
00:15:55Your girlfriend doesn't know you're married.
00:15:56Stephanie's not my girlfriend.
00:15:59She's my wife.
00:16:01No, no, no, no, Tommy.
00:16:03No.
00:16:03No.
00:16:04You are married to Michelle.
00:16:07Yeah.
00:16:08That too.
00:16:10You've got two wives?
00:16:11Yeah, I've got Michelle here and I've got Stephanie and Finsbury.
00:16:14Bloody hell.
00:16:15I thought you were an ordinary.
00:16:17Stephanie's going to be worried sick.
00:16:19So, you have to get rid of that reporter when you arrive.
00:16:22So hold it.
00:16:22Hold it?
00:16:23My bad.
00:16:25Now.
00:16:26If Gary's going to be your accomplice, Gary wants filling in, mate.
00:16:31Now, give.
00:16:33Okay.
00:16:35Michelle was the first.
00:16:37Oh, it was a lovely wedding.
00:16:39It was in a church.
00:16:41And I met Stephanie four months later.
00:16:43Four months?
00:16:44Well, she just got into my taxi at Victoria Station and when we got back to her flat in
00:16:49Finsbury, I offered to take our cases up.
00:16:53And, whoa, I mean, they were bloody heavy.
00:16:56So, she got me a beer.
00:17:01And, you know, we chatted and she asked me if I wanted another beer and I said yes.
00:17:09You know, we chatted and then she got me another beer and we chatted some more and, you know, then...
00:17:16It's a bit you forgot to mention Michelle when you was doing all this chatting.
00:17:19Well, I'd never met anyone like Stephanie.
00:17:22You know, she'd been a dancer, you know, shows and stuff.
00:17:27We just hit it off.
00:17:29And then one thing led to another and another and another and another.
00:17:41We got engaged that night.
00:17:43What?
00:17:43Did you smell her that day?
00:17:45And you asked Stephanie to marry you?
00:17:47No, she asked me.
00:17:48Really?
00:17:49I didn't have the heart to say no.
00:17:51Bloody hell!
00:17:53We got married in a registry office and I moved into her Finsbury flat.
00:17:57While still living with Michelle in Stockwell?
00:18:00You've committed bigamy, mate.
00:18:02That's what you've done.
00:18:03Well, sort of.
00:18:04Not sort of.
00:18:06100% bigamy.
00:18:07Yeah.
00:18:08It's a criminal offence.
00:18:10Yeah.
00:18:10You could go to jail.
00:18:11Yeah.
00:18:13Yeah.
00:18:13Well, doesn't that worry you?
00:18:15Well, I've been too busy to think about it.
00:18:18Now, I've got to get to Stephanie.
00:18:20She's going to be going out of her mind.
00:18:23Deal with that reporter.
00:18:25What did I tell him?
00:18:26Just make up a story.
00:18:29And keep this show occupied.
00:18:31I'm no good at this sort of thing.
00:18:32I'm not like you.
00:18:34I love them both, Gary.
00:18:36Now, I know it's not right.
00:18:38But they are my whole life and I couldn't bear to lose even one of them.
00:18:40So, just please, just stick by me, mate.
00:18:47Oh, God.
00:18:49It's that reporter.
00:18:51Get rid of them.
00:18:52Give me the keys to your flat.
00:18:53Dean, what are you going to do?
00:18:55I'm going to try Steph.
00:18:56Just give me the bloody key now.
00:18:58For God's sake, do not let them win our dog.
00:19:00If Michelle gets involved, we've had it.
00:19:02Go, go, go.
00:19:03Go.
00:19:03Go, go, go.
00:19:08This is him, 104.
00:19:10Hi.
00:19:11We're just here to see Mr. Smith.
00:19:13Yeah.
00:19:15I was just going to ring his bell.
00:19:17Oh, yeah.
00:19:18Do you live here?
00:19:19Yeah.
00:19:23I'll ring his bell then, shall I?
00:19:25No, no, no.
00:19:25No, no need.
00:19:26No, no.
00:19:28You're not Mr. Smith by any chance, are you?
00:19:31Yeah.
00:19:32Yeah.
00:19:33Yeah.
00:19:34Oh, right.
00:19:35London Evening Echo.
00:19:36I'm Richard Holland.
00:19:37Called me Dick.
00:19:38My photographer, Francis.
00:19:40Hi, Dick.
00:19:40No kidding.
00:19:41Hi, Francis.
00:19:43May I call you Fanny, Francis?
00:19:45Please do.
00:19:48That was a pretty brave thing you did this morning.
00:19:51What?
00:19:52Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:19:54Hi, Dick.
00:19:55Hi, Fanny.
00:19:57Hi, Fanny.
00:19:58Hi, Dick.
00:19:59Oh, where's he put that bloody phone?
00:20:08So, may we come in?
00:20:09No.
00:20:10Uh, no.
00:20:11My wife.
00:20:13Very ill.
00:20:15Spots.
00:20:17Sexually transmitted spots.
00:20:19They haven't even diagnosed it yet.
00:20:24Serious.
00:20:25Very serious.
00:20:26I'm sorry to hear that.
00:20:28Very sorry.
00:20:29Thanks, Fanny.
00:20:30Thanks, Dick.
00:20:32Yeah, we're all very sorry.
00:20:34Yes.
00:20:45So, shall we, um, go around to the little cafe around the corner?
00:20:50Yeah?
00:20:52Okay, fine by me.
00:20:53Might make a good picture.
00:20:55Uh, we'll go in your taxi, shall we?
00:20:57One of Mr Smith behind the wheel, eh?
00:20:59Yeah, great.
00:20:59No, I don't drive.
00:21:01At the moment.
00:21:02Yeah.
00:21:03I got hit very hard with a handbag.
00:21:06My doctor says I mustn't.
00:21:09Shall we?
00:21:25Hello?
00:21:26Hello, sweetie.
00:21:28John, where are you?
00:21:29You're more than two hours late.
00:21:30I'm sorry, gorgeous.
00:21:32Oh, the taxi broke down.
00:21:35I was taking a fare to Luton Airport, and I've conked out miles from anywhere.
00:21:40Oh, I couldn't get to a phone.
00:21:42Why didn't you use your mobile?
00:21:44Well, would you believe it?
00:21:45Someone nicked it last night.
00:21:46Well, where are you calling from now?
00:21:48Oh, I'm in a farmer's cottage on the other side of Luton.
00:21:51I mean, I mean, I'm miles from anywhere.
00:21:53John!
00:21:54What is it?
00:21:55What's happened?
00:21:57Hang on a sec, sweetie.
00:21:58The farmer's just walked in.
00:22:00The farmer?
00:22:01It's definitely evil.
00:22:03Did you get rid of that reporter?
00:22:04Disaster.
00:22:05We bumped into that damn Susie Browning from next door.
00:22:08You know, the one with a big mouth and a small bun.
00:22:10Yeah, yeah, number one.
00:22:11Johnny!
00:22:12Hang on a second, sweetie.
00:22:14The farmer just wants the keys to the taxi.
00:22:16The AA have arrived.
00:22:17What's happened?
00:22:18The stupid woman called me Gary.
00:22:20You are Gary.
00:22:21I know that, but I told the reporter I was you.
00:22:23What?
00:22:24Oh, here comes that sexy Gary Gardner, she says.
00:22:26Have a look at the chocolate cake I got for our brave Johnny, Gary.
00:22:30Well, by then, the game was up.
00:22:32The reporter's...
00:22:32You total idiot.
00:22:33I told you I'd be no good at this.
00:22:41John, answer that, will you?
00:22:46John!
00:22:46Are you still there, John?
00:22:48Yeah, just dealing with the AA man.
00:22:50AA man.
00:22:51John!
00:22:59John!
00:23:01All in hand here, sweetie.
00:23:03You get yourself over to the sports centre and I will see you later.
00:23:07Okay, but I'd better call in at Finsbury Police Station first.
00:23:10Finsbury Police Station.
00:23:11Well, I reported you missing this morning.
00:23:15Missing.
00:23:17Missing?
00:23:18John!
00:23:23Johnny!
00:23:24Where the hell are you?
00:23:27Well, don't you do anything.
00:23:29The taxi's fixed.
00:23:30I'm going to make my way over to Finsbury Police Station.
00:23:32I'm going to sort it all out.
00:23:33I'll be there in ten minutes.
00:23:35On the other side of Luton?
00:23:37Say 15 minutes.
00:23:38Gary?
00:23:40Johnny, are you going to win Gary?
00:23:46Gary?
00:23:49Are you on the phone?
00:23:51Darling!
00:23:52Where's John?
00:23:53That reporter's here with a photographer.
00:24:02I'll be right down.
00:24:03Hey, babe.
00:24:05How you doing with your spots?
00:24:07My what?
00:24:09Gary told these two that you couldn't be seen
00:24:12because you got sexually transmitted spots.
00:24:21Did you tell that reporter I'd got sexually transmitted spots?
00:24:24Why?
00:24:26Why?
00:24:29Oh, you silly...
00:24:31Zod!
00:24:41Zod!
00:24:45John!
00:24:45John!
00:24:45John!
00:24:46John!
00:24:47John!
00:24:48Where's he gone?
00:24:48Don't worry, I'll find him.
00:25:01The farmer speaking.
00:25:03Where's my husband?
00:25:05He's just gone for a wee-wee.
00:25:07Has he had an accident?
00:25:09No, I'm sure he made it in time.
00:25:11Look, I must go.
00:25:13The cows need milking.
00:25:19I'd like to speak to my husband now, please.
00:25:21Well, you'll have to shout.
00:25:22The toilet's at the other end of the barley field.
00:25:25Well, get him to call me back right away.
00:25:26Hang on.
00:25:29I just get something to write on.
00:25:31He knows the number.
00:25:32Fire away.
00:25:347287.
00:25:377287.
00:25:396641.
00:25:426641.
00:25:43That's 020 from where you are.
00:25:45No, it's not.
00:25:46From outside London.
00:25:48Yes, it is.
00:25:51Gary!
00:25:52Bye-bye!
00:25:53I think some of our chickens are coming home to roost.
00:25:56It's the job censor.
00:26:00Me!
00:26:01A farmer!
00:26:02I ask you.
00:26:03I can't find John anywhere.
00:26:05His taxi's still outside.
00:26:07Wow.
00:26:08Well, you'd better come and talk to this reporter.
00:26:10Why the hell did you tell him you were John?
00:26:12Seemed like a good idea at the time.
00:26:14Oh, and that bloody Susie Browning's going to spread it all over Stockwell
00:26:17that I've got to pass after a bloody minute.
00:26:26We can make do with a two-minute interview and a quick photo.
00:26:48As long as we do the photo.
00:26:50Oh, yeah, a photo of Mrs. Smith on her own.
00:26:52No, John.
00:26:53Yeah, you don't take a good picture.
00:26:54That profile is...
00:26:55Oh, thanks.
00:26:56Anyone for a piece of cake?
00:27:04You can't have just disappeared.
00:27:06Another ten minutes and you'll miss this afternoon's edition.
00:27:09This is all your fault, Gary.
00:27:11I thought it must be.
00:27:13So, does anybody want a piece of cake?
00:27:16Oh, my God.
00:27:46Smith.
00:27:47So, you went up and he came down?
00:27:49No, I was at the top.
00:27:50At the top of...
00:27:51Steve, Steve, help me out.
00:27:52Hold on, Dave.
00:27:53Waste of bloody time.
00:27:55Hospital report, John Smith.
00:27:57Oh, that taxi driver.
00:27:59Who deserves a medal?
00:28:00Deserves a kick out of the jacksy.
00:28:01Hang on, Sarge.
00:28:02Now, if all members of the public had a go...
00:28:05Now, that's funny.
00:28:07What?
00:28:08Where did you take Mr. Smith home?
00:28:10Down the road, Stockwell Place.
00:28:12Well, that's what I thought.
00:28:13The hospital's got his address wrong.
00:28:15Typical, eh?
00:28:17How do you think?
00:28:18John Smith, taxi driver, concussion and bruising, minor delirium.
00:28:21Address supplied by patient on arrival in A&E.
00:28:24Flat 140, Lewin Estate, Lewin Road, Finsbury.
00:28:29Finsbury?
00:28:30Bloody NHS.
00:28:32Lucky he wasn't operated on for piles.
00:28:33Finsbury Police, Detective Sergeant Porterhouse speaking.
00:28:50Detective Sergeant Troughton, Stockwell.
00:28:52Did you have a John Smith reported as missing in your area at 9.30 a.m. today?
00:28:57Hang on a sec.
00:28:58Melissa?
00:28:58Was a Mr. Smith reported missing this morning?
00:29:02Yes, sir.
00:29:03By a very angry wife.
00:29:05The file's on your desk.
00:29:07I've got the file.
00:29:10Let's see.
00:29:10Yes.
00:29:11Mr. John Smith, 140, Lewin Estate, Lewin Road, Finsbury.
00:29:16Medium build.
00:29:17Brown hair, brown eyes, aged 33.
00:29:19That's the bloke.
00:29:20Taxi driver.
00:29:22Good.
00:29:23You've got him, have you?
00:29:24Oh, yeah.
00:29:26I'll email you our report.
00:29:28I'm just nippling back to Stockwell Place.
00:29:29What do you ring's up, then?
00:29:30Who knows?
00:29:32Drugs.
00:29:33Illicit gambling.
00:29:35Body in the cellar.
00:29:40I've got you, Johnny boy.
00:29:42Hey.
00:29:55I've got you, Johnny boy.
00:30:25Okay, Mrs. Smith, but if he's not somewhere around the back, we'll have to call it off.
00:30:35He won't be there.
00:30:36Call it off now.
00:30:37Shut up.
00:30:41He could be hiding in the allotment somewhere.
00:30:47John!
00:30:49I need a bit more practice.
00:30:55Oh, my baby!
00:30:56My baby!
00:31:00This way, Mr. Smith.
00:31:03Lovely.
00:31:04It'll just make the afternoon edition.
00:31:06Lovely.
00:31:07No, it bloody well won't.
00:31:08Oi!
00:31:08Back here!
00:31:10My camera!
00:31:11What are you doing?
00:31:12Give her a camera back!
00:31:14We're the bleeding now.
00:31:15Back here!
00:31:15Do be careful with all those cars.
00:31:17Oh!
00:31:21You twig!
00:31:25Oh, my bloody face!
00:31:28Sorry.
00:31:30Why don't you look where you're going?
00:31:32Oh!
00:31:34Oh!
00:31:34Oh!
00:31:35Oh!
00:31:36Oh!
00:31:36Oh!
00:31:37Oh!
00:31:39Stockwell.
00:31:41Michelle.
00:31:42Michelle.
00:31:45Stephanie!
00:31:45Finsbury, Finsbury Place.
00:32:15That was bloody funny.
00:32:28Taxi!
00:32:33Finsbury Police Station, fast.
00:32:38Stop your laundry off, eh?
00:32:45Finsbury, Finsbury, Finsbury, Finsbury.
00:33:15Finsbury, Finsbury, Finsbury, Finsbury, Finsbury.
00:33:45Oh!
00:33:47Oh!
00:33:48Look after that, would ya?
00:33:50Come on.
00:33:51No, just cancel the whole thing.
00:33:54It's yesterday's news anyway.
00:33:56Bloody hell.
00:33:59Well, is it Mr Gardner?
00:34:02Twice before lunch.
00:34:03Julian's having a day off.
00:34:04Called to see Mr Smith again.
00:34:07Oh, well, he's out.
00:34:08And so is Mrs Smith.
00:34:09It'll have to be you, then.
00:34:11Me?
00:34:12Need to fill in a few, er, blank spots.
00:34:15Right. Your flat, then.
00:34:18Shall we?
00:34:26Whoa! Easy!
00:34:30Wait here.
00:34:32Thanks, mate.
00:34:34Need a bit of an hurry, are we?
00:34:39So there you have it.
00:34:41My wife made a little mistake, and I've been found, and...
00:34:45Oh, I'm as fit as a fiddle.
00:34:48Actually, we did know you were no longer missing, Mr Smith.
00:34:51Oh, you did?
00:34:52Stockwell police have been on.
00:34:54Stockwell?
00:34:56Our sergeant's gone round to your place in Lewin Road
00:34:58to give your wife the good news.
00:35:00What?
00:35:01Apparently there's also some confusion over an address in Stockwell.
00:35:04She also seems a bit confused over the use of a vibrator.
00:35:09Oh, no, I'm sorry.
00:35:10Oh.
00:35:11Yeah?
00:35:15I don't know, you know...
00:35:16No, we're not at work.
00:35:17They say a lot.
00:35:19No, we're not at work.
00:35:21No.
00:35:22No, no.
00:35:23No, no.
00:35:24No, no.
00:35:38looking for Mrs Smith are we Stephanie Smith yes she'll be at the sports center taking the old
00:36:05deers through their paces knees bent touchy toes wobble your boobies do you live in this block sir
00:36:12yes we're in the flat above the Smiths Cyril and me we're in the dressmaking business trouble is
00:36:18Cyril can't bear to part with half of them Mrs Smith at the sports center you say yes at the
00:36:25church hall just before the high street you're joining her class are you no thanks for your help
00:36:31I'm Bobby Franklin by the way detective sergeant porthouse well I'll be making my way to the
00:36:38church hall then you behave yourself all those titty-witties
00:36:41right
00:36:43wait here take your time
00:37:05Bobby has someone been around to see Steph well yes just now a sweet policeman bloody hell your
00:37:13Steph isn't in thank God she's at the sports center yeah that's why I tell the sergeant hey
00:37:20what are you two up to naughty videos
00:37:24there's some confusion over his address I thought you said there was some confusion over his dress so
00:37:37what was the confusion over his address as to whether it's Stockwell or Finsbury Stockwell or
00:37:42Finsbury
00:37:48okay ladies are you ready let's go
00:37:53pull the chain pull the chain pull the chain one more time pull the chain reach up push forward
00:38:13push down push down push down push down push down grab the cobwebs that's it ladies get us forward and shuffle and shuffle and shuffle and shuffle and shuffle and shuffle from the top
00:38:29excuse me Stephanie there's a gentleman from Finsbury police station wants to see you
00:38:33keep it going ladies
00:38:35I'm so sorry you've been to all this trouble sergeant my husband was supposed to call in at your police station be there in a second ladies don't stop now
00:38:56anyway his taxi broke down on the way to Luton Airport and he ended up on a farm
00:39:00a farm
00:39:02Luton Airport
00:39:03wait here
00:39:08are you available?
00:39:14not for about two weeks love
00:39:17I mean what a coincidence
00:39:22two John Smiths
00:39:24both getting their heads bashed on the same day
00:39:27this one's not you then
00:39:29no you can see it's not me
00:39:31this poor bloke
00:39:33this poor bloke spent the night in St Thomas's hospital with a head injury after a mug incident
00:39:38so how did you sustain your injury sir?
00:39:40yeah what happened?
00:39:42oh at the farm
00:39:44I hit my head on one of them low beams
00:39:47but boom
00:39:49oh
00:39:50oh poor Johnny
00:39:51oh no baby oh my god
00:39:52so you weren't in Stockwell around 2300 hours last night?
00:39:55no
00:39:56no
00:39:57driving your taxi
00:39:58taxi?
00:39:59taxi?
00:40:00says here
00:40:01this chap's occupation is a taxi driver
00:40:03that's one hell of a good old incident
00:40:05isn't it?
00:40:06isn't it?
00:40:11it's a puzzle isn't it?
00:40:13yeah
00:40:14I think I'll go and call on this other John Smith
00:40:16call on him?
00:40:19there in Finsbury
00:40:23hang on
00:40:24hang on
00:40:25oh
00:40:26I don't know
00:40:27Finsbury's outside your beat isn't it?
00:40:30just a social call Mr Gardner
00:40:32just a social call
00:40:34I better call John in Finsbury
00:40:38I mean would you believe me?
00:40:42two John Smiths
00:40:44both taxi drivers
00:40:46both getting their heads bashed
00:40:48on the same day
00:40:49on the same day
00:40:53yes but
00:40:55why would
00:40:56this
00:40:57Stockwell Mr Smith
00:40:59give his address
00:41:00his Lewin estate
00:41:01Finsbury
00:41:02that's our address John
00:41:08John's phone number in Finsbury
00:41:12with a little bit of paper
00:41:15pocket
00:41:16phone
00:41:17oh Mr Gardner
00:41:21yes sergeant?
00:41:22do you know what an accessory is?
00:41:24a
00:41:25handbag?
00:41:29oh
00:41:30an accessory?
00:41:32yes
00:41:33good
00:41:38oh
00:41:55shit
00:42:01oh
00:42:02shit
00:42:04shit
00:42:05No, please. Double shit.
00:42:15Well, that really is.
00:42:18Oh, of course.
00:42:21The reason St Thomas' Hospital have got this other John Smith's address down here as mine
00:42:26is because I was in St Thomas' a couple of days ago.
00:42:30They've got my record confused with this other Mr Smith.
00:42:34You never said you'd been to the hospital, sweetie.
00:42:37Oh, nothing serious, sweetie.
00:42:39What it was, I hit my head on the taxi bonnet, like, boom.
00:42:43Dead unlucky with your head, aren't you, sir?
00:42:46Yeah, I am, ain't I?
00:42:49I mean, I was in and out in five minutes.
00:42:51But, of course, they took down all my particulars.
00:42:55Yeah.
00:42:56Well!
00:42:59Drive safely, Sergeant.
00:43:01Oh, by the way, sir, your head.
00:43:04Yes?
00:43:05Which hospital treated your most recent misfortune, the incident with the beam?
00:43:10Oh, no, they didn't.
00:43:12The farmer's wife was an ex-nurse.
00:43:14She fixed it.
00:43:16I always seem to fall on me feet.
00:43:19I hope you always check what you've landed in.
00:43:22Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:43:23Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, go on, you ain't white.
00:43:25Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:43:30Oh, thank you.
00:43:31Oh thank you. Hello? Anyone home? Michelle?
00:43:59Mickey, love?
00:44:01Right. Got a phone, John. In Finsbury. Paper. Paper. Phone. What's the phone? What's the bloody phone?
00:44:13Phone. A bit of paper.
00:44:29Phone.
00:44:47Oh, my God.
00:45:17Oh, my God.
00:45:48Oh, please be injured.
00:45:53Oh, God.
00:45:55Please.
00:45:57Please.
00:45:58Please.
00:46:04Hello, this is John Smith.
00:46:08I'm not available yet, so please leave a message.
00:46:10Sorry, sir.
00:46:16All the doors are open.
00:46:19Where are they?
00:46:21Detective Sergeant Porterhouse.
00:46:24Stockwell, please.
00:46:25Finsbury, actually.
00:46:27Finsbury?
00:46:28It's just a matter of a little confirmation.
00:46:30That's all semi-official.
00:46:32Stockwell's not really my jurisdiction,
00:46:34but it's concerning a namesake of yours.
00:46:39Of mine?
00:46:40Yes. Bit of a surprise, eh, Mr. Smith?
00:46:44Yes!
00:46:46I've just been talking to this other Mr. Smith in Finsbury.
00:46:49No!
00:46:51I thought you'd be surprised.
00:46:52Yes!
00:46:53Well, it's all pretty much resolved,
00:46:55but just to set our record straight in Finsbury,
00:47:00I'd like to confirm the cause of your head...
00:47:04injury.
00:47:05The cause of one of its me in Stockwell.
00:47:14Well, I must have been hit by a handbag.
00:47:17Yes, that confirms it.
00:47:19Finsbury, low beam and taxi bonnet,
00:47:21Stockwell, ladies' handbag.
00:47:23Great!
00:47:24Now, if you'll excuse me, Sergeant,
00:47:27I, er, was just about to go to, er,
00:47:32bed.
00:47:33Bed.
00:47:33God, I hope John's home.
00:47:37That bang on the ears made him go really funny.
00:47:40I'll get down to the tube station
00:47:41and wait for the evening echoes to come in.
00:47:46It might seem too early for bed to you, Sergeant,
00:47:48but with all this shift work,
00:47:49it's the only chance the wife and I get from being nooky.
00:47:52You understand.
00:47:53I see you.
00:47:56Hi, Michelle.
00:48:00Bye, Michelle.
00:48:03Oi!
00:48:04Oh, are you Mrs. Michelle Smith?
00:48:06Yes, she's Michelle.
00:48:07Hi, Michelle.
00:48:08Bye, Michelle.
00:48:09Detective Sergeant Porterhouse.
00:48:10Oh, is it about my John?
00:48:12Yes, all sorted.
00:48:13Shut up and push up!
00:48:15Why the hell have you got your trousers off?
00:48:18Off we go.
00:48:19Hold it!
00:48:21Is my John all right?
00:48:23I think so.
00:48:24Yeah, definitely no problem.
00:48:26Goodbye, Mickey.
00:48:29She prefers to be called Michelle.
00:48:31Bye, Michelle.
00:48:32Off we go.
00:48:35Why can Mrs. Smith slap your face?
00:48:37Oh, she likes a bit of rough stuff before our morning session.
00:48:41Bye!
00:48:42You!
00:48:46Can you drop me at the high street?
00:48:48I thought you two were going to bed.
00:48:49Moon cheese and I need to buy some Viagra.
00:48:52You're going to get it now.
00:48:53Bloody hell.
00:48:54Come on, Gary!
00:48:55Come on!
00:49:02Got to go.
00:49:03Sweetheart, relax.
00:49:05No, got to get back on the road.
00:49:07Got to earn that dosh.
00:49:09Absolute disaster.
00:49:11That dizzy bitch Cyril,
00:49:12I go out and buy a newspaper,
00:49:14come back,
00:49:14and the stupid cow is nattering away on the phone
00:49:17while the bath water is overflowing like Niagara Falls.
00:49:20What the hell's happened?
00:49:21We're dailing this frock for some tart and tooting,
00:49:24and now we've got two feet of red water slopping all around.
00:49:28The bloody million!
00:49:31Nightmare.
00:49:31Now, I've got to nip off.
00:49:33No, lovey.
00:49:34Your flat is directly under ours.
00:49:37You could have the red bloody sea in your flat by now.
00:49:40Oh, I'm having a bit of a come over.
00:49:46I haven't read that yet.
00:49:47What the hell are you doing?
00:50:08Eat a newspaper.
00:50:12Get here!
00:50:13Get here!
00:50:17Yeah, listen.
00:50:18You was quiet.
00:50:19I was hungry.
00:50:21He's not actually eating a newspaper, is he?
00:50:25Just digesting the news, maybe.
00:50:31Well, it is today's.
00:50:34It's nice and fresh.
00:50:35It's your turn, I'm all right.
00:50:39I don't know, but ever since he's had that bang on the head,
00:50:42he's gone really funny.
00:50:46Hi, John.
00:50:51Oh!
00:50:52Mr. Smith!
00:50:52We don't need a taxi.
00:51:03We're just round the corner.
00:51:04Well, I need a taxi.
00:51:05I'll see you back in the flat, yeah?
00:51:08It's not well.
00:51:10Drive!
00:51:10You don't need all those bloody echoes!
00:51:24Oh, dear!
00:51:31Echo!
00:51:32Round and evening echo!
00:51:34Evening echo!
00:51:35Oi!
00:51:36Hey, come here!
00:51:37We're just good friends.
00:52:01Oh, she's up.
00:52:03Here we go.
00:52:05There we are.
00:52:06Let's get down here.
00:52:08Well, that'll be lovely.
00:52:09I think I can find it from here.
00:52:11No, son, listen.
00:52:12I know the new estate.
00:52:14Right near where I live.
00:52:15Oh, and as I was saying,
00:52:17about these hip replacements.
00:52:19I'll be a couple of minutes.
00:52:36Don't go away.
00:52:37Not bloody likely.
00:52:38You owe me a fortune.
00:52:39You're allowed to make anybody go straight to you all.
00:52:48Don't you all?
00:52:49Well, I just have to try again.
00:52:51Get over!
00:52:57For God's sake, Mr. Smith, are you there yet?
00:53:00Bloody hell.
00:53:12Bloody hell.
00:53:23This is a message after the beep,
00:53:25and I might get back to you.
00:53:26I'm in Finsbury.
00:53:27Give me a Stockwell update.
00:53:28I'll give you an update, Johnny boy.
00:53:34Wow, what a lovely surprise.
00:53:38Oh.
00:53:41How did you get in?
00:53:44Tricks of the train.
00:53:46How did you get in, Mr. Smith?
00:53:48Well, I was just passing,
00:53:51and I just thought, you know...
00:53:52You got a key, haven't you?
00:53:54This flat's yours, isn't it?
00:54:03There is no other, Mr. Smith, is there?
00:54:09I'll get rid of him.
00:54:10You stay there, Johnny boy.
00:54:12Don't want you rushing around, banging your head again, now, do we?
00:54:20John!
00:54:21Troughton's on the way!
00:54:22On the way.
00:54:24On the way.
00:54:27Hiya.
00:54:31Look who's arrived.
00:54:33It's Mr. Gardner.
00:54:34So, the plot thickens.
00:54:40I'm ever so sorry, John.
00:54:44It's all right, mate.
00:54:48The game was up anyway.
00:54:50If there's any criminal offence involved, Mr. Smith,
00:54:53you may care to speak to a solicitor.
00:54:56Bloody hell.
00:54:59The reason I've got two flats is because...
00:55:03Well, we're a pair, aren't we?
00:55:08A pair of what?
00:55:15Ah!
00:55:17Oh!
00:55:18This dear, sweet man,
00:55:23he took the flat below Michelle and me in Stockwell,
00:55:26and...
00:55:27Well, we just knew, didn't we?
00:55:29I...
00:55:30Shh!
00:55:32Finally, we succumbed.
00:55:37And we found our little love nest.
00:55:40So, the pair of you rent this flat?
00:55:42I bloody don't.
00:55:43No, I pay.
00:55:44Gary chips in when he can.
00:55:46Michelle knows nothing, of course.
00:55:49If she was to find out that I was, you know,
00:55:52ACDC...
00:55:53ACDC?
00:55:55This doesn't need to go any further, does it, Sergeant?
00:55:59I'll see what my superintendent says.
00:56:02Are you all deaf in here?
00:56:04Sarah and I have been banging away up there for ages.
00:56:08And you've got a bloody big hole, too.
00:56:13May I ask who you are, sir?
00:56:16Who wants to know, Chuck?
00:56:17Detective Sergeant Troughton, Chuck.
00:56:21Whoop-de-boo.
00:56:22Oh, come with me.
00:56:23I need a big, strong man to hold their ceiling up.
00:56:26I can't stop the flow!
00:56:28What the hell's happened now?
00:56:30I slipped and pulled the shower out the wall.
00:56:32Go and turn it off at the beach while I sort this lot out.
00:56:35Come on.
00:56:37Come on, you two.
00:56:39What do you give, you ACDC?
00:56:41No, I'm really worried about John.
00:56:46You should have shown you how the profile.
00:56:48You really should.
00:56:49Something must have happened to him.
00:56:51Right, I'm going to ring that Sergeant Troughton from Stockwell Police.
00:56:54He gave me his number on a piece of paper.
00:56:56Where did I put it?
00:56:59Here it is.
00:57:01He said I should speak to him or one of his men.
00:57:03It's like that editor falls down there.
00:57:13He's had a bloody main seat up there.
00:57:15I took him to turn it off at the main.
00:57:17Oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:57:18Bloody wall.
00:57:19Ow, ow, ow.
00:57:20Oh, ah, oh.
00:57:30John!
00:57:31This one's in, he's full.
00:57:33He's still coming through.
00:57:37Oh, can you believe it?
00:57:39Yeah.
00:57:43You're doing a good job there, Sergeant.
00:58:01Yep.
00:58:01Oh, this is Michelle Smith speaking.
00:58:05Oh.
00:58:07Hello.
00:58:11What's that?
00:58:12I don't know.
00:58:14Someone answered the phone, but all I can hear is heavy breathing.
00:58:16Come on, I've got another bucket full out there.
00:58:32Come on, I've got another bucket full out there.
00:58:38What'd you do that for?
00:58:40Michelle.
00:58:41Well, I never mind.
00:58:43Michelle?
00:58:45Who's to get this number?
00:58:50I found the meter and turned the water off.
00:58:53What the bloody hell are you doing now?
00:58:56I found the answer.
00:58:57It's much quicker, lovey.
00:58:58Ha, ha, ha.
00:58:59Ha, ha, ha.
00:59:00Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:59:02Ha, ha, ha.
00:59:02Ha, ha, ha.
00:59:03Ha, ha, ha.
00:59:04Oh, my God.
00:59:21Cyril's arse is stuck in your ceiling.
00:59:42One more dance and I really must go.
00:59:47Right, I'm getting back to the station
00:59:48and you're lucky I don't stick one on you for wasting police time.
00:59:56Hello?
00:59:57Is that 0207 287 6641?
01:00:01Yes. Detective Sergeant Troughton speaking.
01:00:04Oh, good, I got straight through this time.
01:00:06Bloody police.
01:00:08Is Mrs Smith speaking from 104 Stockwell Place?
01:00:13Mrs Smith from 104 Stockwell Place.
01:00:16You called on us earlier this morning.
01:00:18Oh, don't sit through it.
01:00:20Yeah, I remember.
01:00:21I thought you said your wife didn't know anything about this place.
01:00:23She doesn't.
01:00:24Shut up and sit down.
01:00:26Hello?
01:00:27Yeah, sorry, Mrs Smith, someone was interrupting.
01:00:29Trouble on the line again.
01:00:31Beg your pardon?
01:00:32Well, the last time I dialed this number,
01:00:33all I got was heavy breathing.
01:00:36Heavy breathing?
01:00:37I see.
01:00:38Maybe she's got the wrong end of the stick.
01:00:40You sit down as well, Tinkerbell.
01:00:43Haspin!
01:00:44Stepladder!
01:00:45Stepladder!
01:00:48I'm worried about Mr Smith's behaviour.
01:00:51His behaviour?
01:00:52I think she might have sussed you out.
01:00:55But, Mrs Smith, I don't quite see why it is that you're ringing this particular number.
01:01:02Because it's yours.
01:01:03Mine?
01:01:04Well, isn't this a good place to get you?
01:01:06What, me?
01:01:07Here?
01:01:07Yes, you, and the men.
01:01:10What men?
01:01:11The men you have under you.
01:01:13Eh?
01:01:14Well, don't you all operate from there?
01:01:16Now, look here, Mrs Smith.
01:01:17I am a perfectly straight police officer.
01:01:20And it's nothing to do with me that your husband and Mr Gardner are engaged in a homosexual relationship.
01:01:24We've got a life and death drama going on through there, you know.
01:01:40John and Gary?
01:01:42Yeah.
01:01:43I'm with the pair of them now.
01:01:44I'm sorry if it's come as a bit of a shock, but you were already on to them, weren't you?
01:01:48John and Gary?
01:01:49What the hell's happened?
01:01:50John's having it off with Gary.
01:01:53Having what off?
01:01:55Oh, my God.
01:01:57I'm coming, sir.
01:01:58I'm coming.
01:01:59Hang in there, you.
01:02:01But what are they both doing at the police station?
01:02:04No, no, they're here.
01:02:05At their flat in Finsbury.
01:02:06Flat in Finsbury?
01:02:08Oh, my...
01:02:08Lewin Estate, Lewin Road, Finsbury.
01:02:14Michelle!
01:02:16Hello?
01:02:19Right.
01:02:20I'm going back to the station.
01:02:21Make my report.
01:02:23Oh, and it seems to me, Mr Gardner, that Mr Smith had a perfectly happy marriage until you came mincing into his life.
01:02:33You rotten devil!
01:02:36I'll tell him, Michelle, I'm on my way home to explain.
01:02:38Explain!
01:02:42Michelle!
01:02:44Babe!
01:02:44It's probably just a matey thing!
01:02:47Tennis, snow car, ball games!
01:02:49He thinks I'm a practising homosexual.
01:03:09Well, as long as you're only practising.
01:03:11She's not answering.
01:03:12She's on her way to Finsbury.
01:03:17Homosexual!
01:03:18I have enough problems convincing some people I'm a homo sapien!
01:03:26No, I mean, are you okay?
01:03:28Oh, yeah.
01:03:29Happy as a pig and shit.
01:03:30You deal with Bobby and Sue, I'll somehow stop this show getting into the flat.
01:03:35Here you go.
01:03:35Oh, can you move?
01:03:40Oh, hello again.
01:03:42Hey, what?
01:03:43You've been in another accident, have you, sir?
01:03:45Oh, just a little bit of a problem in the bathroom.
01:03:48I've got a car.
01:03:50One moment, sir.
01:03:51Why the hell haven't you got a sat-nav?
01:03:56Hang on, I'm getting it!
01:03:58Westminster Bridge, no Lambeth, no Westminster, Trafalgar Square, the Strand, Holborn, Chuckle Wright, and then...
01:04:05I don't need a geography lesson.
01:04:08Why were you doing?
01:04:10Five years we've been married, and all the time he's been having it off with Gary Gardner.
01:04:15You're not in school!
01:04:16I don't care about that.
01:04:18When I see him, Michelle, I'm going to kill you.
01:04:22I should have asked you at the Sports Centre, but I've got rather caught up with your head-banging, sir.
01:04:28A signature there confirming you are no longer a missing person.
01:04:33Which, of course, you're not.
01:04:37Oh, and there's a signature there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, and there.
01:04:46You're still here.
01:04:51Oh, good.
01:04:52Cakes.
01:04:53Sandwiches.
01:04:55Lovely.
01:04:56Bye.
01:04:57Cheerio.
01:04:58I could be here for dinner.
01:04:59don't you go anywhere no hurry mate i'm gonna take early retirement after this little lot
01:05:18oh and a last signature here
01:05:21oh god knows what's happened to my chin tuck turn the tap off you silly drama queen
01:05:31anyway i'll get into the car and i'll take you around to the doctor's
01:05:35take me to the undergery
01:05:36good lord mr smith
01:05:43yes no no no no no the other mr smith
01:05:47other mr smith
01:05:48your namesake from stockwell
01:05:52oh yeah my um mr smith from stockwell he just dropped by to introduce himself
01:06:01ha ha i bet the two of you have had a good laugh
01:06:05ha ha i've never laughed so much in my life
01:06:09like a couple of haze as we are
01:06:11oh you've been helping mr smith out with his problem in the bathroom have you
01:06:15yeah that's it
01:06:19oh uh
01:06:21right on your way you
01:06:23come on
01:06:27here we are yes thanks very much anyway
01:06:33here has your wife been introduced to uh this mr smith no no no she hasn't
01:06:39well she's in for a laugh too
01:06:41stephanie triple shit
01:06:47here
01:06:50mrs smith
01:06:51you're gonna laugh
01:06:52you're gonna laugh
01:06:53that other mr smith has just turned up
01:06:55from stockwell
01:06:56he popped by to say to introduce himself
01:06:59oh great
01:07:05hello sweetie
01:07:06where you off to now
01:07:08what the hell has happened to you
01:07:10oh that's bobby's red dye
01:07:12all sorted now though all sorted
01:07:14hey mr smith
01:07:16say hello to mr smith smith's
01:07:18mr smith
01:07:20great well i'll pop this in the shed and i'll be back in a sec
01:07:24don't go away other mr smith let's see what else we've got in common
01:07:27bye have a great day
01:07:30taxi
01:07:35whoa whoa whoa
01:07:37when do you think you're going
01:07:39God knows
01:07:51It's not over. It's not over till the fat lady sings.
01:07:54The fat lady's already done six choruses. You've got to face up to it, John.
01:07:57I am facing up to it.
01:07:59I've been taking it for granted for years how much I love them both and how much they love me,
01:08:03and I couldn't bear to hurt.
01:08:07I think I've got a plan.
01:08:09Oh, my God!
01:08:31Right. Bobby's flat's above mine. Quick!
01:08:34No! My work! It's brilliant!
01:08:37Tratton never give her the flat number, just Lewin Estate, Lewin Road.
01:08:40Bobby and Cyril, they won't be back from the doctors for at least an hour.
01:08:43We shall still find me and you together.
01:08:45Anything's better than finding me and Stephanie together.
01:08:55He's driving! I'm a mad person!
01:08:57I am a mad person!
01:09:07He's driving!
01:09:31Can you move it back?
01:09:58No, I'm sorry, love.
01:10:00I'm on a diversion.
01:10:02Oh, good for you.
01:10:04This is my third.
01:10:05I'm completely blocked in.
01:10:07I'm sorry.
01:10:08You'll have to move back, love.
01:10:09This is a very big vehicle.
01:10:10How do you expect me to get through there?
01:10:11Move the bloody thing back.
01:10:12I've got to get through there.
01:10:13Do you know how difficult it is to fly in reverse on this thing?
01:10:15I don't care.
01:10:16All right.
01:10:17All right.
01:10:18All right.
01:10:19I'll reverse.
01:10:20My first day, would you believe it?
01:10:24Reverse.
01:10:25It must be here somewhere.
01:10:26Oh, thank God.
01:10:28Oh, I'm fed up with this.
01:10:38I'm walking the rest of the way.
01:10:40You ask it.
01:10:42Oh, my God.
01:10:46Is this your best day ever, darling?
01:10:49Oh, dear arse.
01:10:51She's a bit upset.
01:10:53Oh.
01:10:54Do be upset, too, if your arse bone was having help with Gary Gardner.
01:10:58Help me out of the way.
01:11:00Please, Gary Gardner, help me.
01:11:01Oh.
01:11:02Oh.
01:11:03Oh.
01:11:04Oh.
01:11:05Oh, my God.
01:11:06Oh, my God.
01:11:07Oh, my God.
01:11:08Oh, my God.
01:11:09Oh.
01:11:10Oh.
01:11:11Oh.
01:11:12Oh.
01:11:13Oh.
01:11:14Oh.
01:11:15Oh, yeah.
01:11:16Oh, my God.
01:11:17Oh, my God.
01:11:18How'd I have a key?
01:11:19Why would I have a key?
01:11:21OK, I know a shortcut.
01:11:23I threw the hole in my bathroom ceiling.
01:11:27Bloody hell!
01:11:43Oh, hello there, Brother Mr Smith!
01:11:49Are you married, Mr Smith?
01:11:51I think so, yeah.
01:11:53Is your wife with you?
01:11:55I don't think so, no.
01:11:57Well, that'll be three coffees then.
01:12:09You missed me! You missed me!
01:12:19I'll go for us, and then I'll pull the bar.
01:12:25Bloody hell!
01:12:37Stephanie!
01:12:39I'll go for you.
01:12:45Robbie's on his way!
01:12:47I like my guitar.
01:12:49No.
01:12:50Right.
01:12:51I'll go for you.
01:13:05Take your pick.
01:13:09What are you going to do?
01:13:11Knock on every bloody door!
01:13:13Michelle!
01:13:14What?
01:13:15Look!
01:13:19What's all the bloody knocking for?
01:13:21Collecting for charity.
01:13:23Piss off!
01:13:29Number 152!
01:13:31152, Mr John Smith!
01:13:33He's got to be up here somewhere!
01:13:35I'll go for you.
01:13:37Come on!
01:13:43Come on!
01:13:44Alright, alright.
01:13:45How the bloody hell am I supposed to get up there?
01:13:48Just...
01:13:49Just climb up me!
01:13:57Oi!
01:14:00I know you're in there, the pair of you!
01:14:02She's here!
01:14:03and remember
01:14:05it's all been a little misunderstanding
01:14:07three coffees
01:14:15Dom
01:14:20Donnie
01:14:23Mrs. Smith
01:14:26I'm gonna count
01:14:29to ten
01:14:30I might be having an afternoon nap, babe
01:14:32two, four, six, eight, ten
01:14:34I don't, you're in there
01:14:38alright, let's get up
01:14:48oh, fuck it, oh, fuck it
01:14:52oh, my God, you idiot
01:14:55mind my bloody trousers
01:14:56God
01:14:58alright
01:15:02come on, okay
01:15:04babe
01:15:08excuse me
01:15:10can I help you?
01:15:12not unless you've got a key to this bloody door
01:15:15no, I haven't
01:15:17give me your bloody hands
01:15:18you come
01:15:19oh, oh, oh, God
01:15:24if you ever ask me to do you and I'm a bloody favour
01:15:26are you a friend of Bobby's?
01:15:28Bobby's?
01:15:29yes
01:15:29yes
01:15:29lives up there with Cyril
01:15:31oh, that's lovely, that is
01:15:33Bobby and Cyril
01:15:34they're not gonna use their real names, are they, babe?
01:15:38Bobby
01:15:38and Cyril
01:15:39ooh
01:15:41come on, careful
01:15:44you be careful
01:15:46give me my bloody dress
01:15:48ooh
01:15:48oh, oh, oh, oh
01:15:58oh
01:15:59oh
01:16:02oh
01:16:02well, oh, yeah
01:16:03just calm down
01:16:03oh, oh, oh were you going to kill the pair of you
01:16:05I'm going to kill the pair of you.
01:16:09It's just a bit of misunderstanding.
01:16:15Let's have it. There's bloody of it.
01:16:17How long has it been going on?
01:16:18Nothing's going on. It's just a bit of a misunderstanding.
01:16:21You shut up.
01:16:23Of course.
01:16:24Excuse me.
01:16:28It's all right. Go back downstairs. We're dealing with this.
01:16:31Yeah. Piss off. Piss off.
01:16:33You heard the lady piss off.
01:16:34Who the bloody hell are you anyway?
01:16:38We're on the flat downstairs.
01:16:40I'm not the bloody hell.
01:16:41Does she mean by we?
01:16:43I'm going to call the police.
01:16:44No, I'm going to call the police.
01:16:46She just needs some aspirins.
01:16:48Talk about ambidextrous.
01:16:50A gay flat up here and some tart in the flat down below.
01:16:53Right. I'm going to sort her around.
01:16:56And then I'm coming back to cut your balls off.
01:16:59Shut up, Michelle.
01:17:00Excuse me.
01:17:09Michelle!
01:17:13Michelle!
01:17:15Michelle!
01:17:16Michelle!
01:17:17I have to tell you.
01:17:19I'm going to tear her guts out.
01:17:22No, listen.
01:17:24That lady.
01:17:26She's not a tart.
01:17:27A whore, then.
01:17:28No, she's not a whore.
01:17:30She's not a tart.
01:17:32She's a fella.
01:17:43A fella?
01:17:44Yeah.
01:17:46It's a transvestite.
01:17:47A transvestite?
01:17:49That's when a man dresses up as a lady.
01:17:51We know what a transvestite is.
01:17:54She is a man.
01:17:56Yeah.
01:17:57Now, Fred, he looks amazing when he gets all dulled up.
01:18:01Fred!
01:18:02And does Fred walk round thingsby like that?
01:18:04Oh, yeah.
01:18:06Well, he's part of your kinky set-up as well, is he?
01:18:08Well, no, actually.
01:18:11He's a friend of Gary's.
01:18:14Fred is not our friend of Gary's!
01:18:16Oh, well, let's not fight over him, Gary!
01:18:18Hey!
01:18:19Poor Michelle.
01:18:21He's had enough shots for one day.
01:18:24My little darling.
01:18:26Oh, damn well, I can't believe it of you, Johnny.
01:18:33But I'm not so surprised about you, Cyril!
01:18:39I thought you loved me, Johnny.
01:18:42Oh, I do, darling.
01:18:45So much, so much.
01:18:47Now, I've made a terrible, terrible mistake.
01:18:49Now, let me get you home, sweetie, yeah?
01:18:53Yeah, thanks.
01:18:53Yeah, Susie?
01:18:55You take Gary.
01:18:56And Gary, you'd better break it off a letter, Fred.
01:19:02Aspen!
01:19:03Where's that crazy lady with the, um, knife?
01:19:09It's all right.
01:19:10John's taking her home.
01:19:12John is?
01:19:15Poor Mrs. Smith.
01:19:17She's had a hell of a day.
01:19:19Thanks.
01:19:20Mrs. Smith?
01:19:21Well, why aren't you taking her home, then?
01:19:22Just to get about today.
01:19:25Best all round, eh?
01:19:27You know what I mean?
01:19:28Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
01:19:30Come on.
01:19:31The face is great, but the boobs.
01:19:33Wow.
01:19:36See ya.
01:19:37Wait a minute.
01:19:38Mr. Smith?
01:19:40Is that crazy lady with my husband, your wife?
01:19:42Yes.
01:19:45Well, why aren't you taking her home, then?
01:19:49I'm in no fit state.
01:19:50I've had a hell of a day.
01:19:52My...
01:19:53He's a transvestite.
01:19:56Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
01:19:58Must have been a hell of a shock.
01:20:00Hell of a shock.
01:20:02And what about that other lady?
01:20:03That's my wife's partner, Bert.
01:20:13John?
01:20:14After you've taken Mrs. Smith home, make sure you come straight back here, OK?
01:20:19Those days are over, Fred!
01:20:23Fred!
01:20:26Five years I've had to put up with him.
01:20:29Um, her.
01:20:31Um, him.
01:20:33What's all this paper?
01:20:42It's a messy cab.
01:20:51No, I'm afraid it's not all sorted, Mrs. Smith.
01:20:54Detective Sergeant Troughton wants to see you down here at the station at 9pm tonight.
01:21:00No, Mr. Smith, sometime next week will not do.
01:21:04Mr. Smith!
01:21:06Your bedtime.
01:21:08We'll have to wait.
01:21:09Have you seen this report of mine, eh?
01:21:19My super will shove it right up my jacksie.
01:21:22When questioned, Mrs. Michelle Smith said the female reported to be present at the premises in Finsbury was a male transvestite called Fred.
01:21:30Mr. Gardner, Mr. Gardner could find no explanation as to why Stockwell police should think he was married to Michelle Smith.
01:21:37Miss Susan Browning, a friend of the family, acknowledged that she'd met Mr. Smith and Mr. Gardner at the Finsbury address, where they were residing as Bobby and Cyril.
01:21:46Mr. Smith was seen diving from Mr. Gardner's bedroom window.
01:21:50Mr. Smith was seen devouring a copy of the London Evening Echo.
01:21:54Head struck by a handbag, head struck by oak beam, head struck by a taxi bonnet, farmer's cottage in Luton Airport.
01:22:00You tell lies, don't you, Mr. Smith?
01:22:05Now, what's the bleeding game?
01:22:07You are up to something I know.
01:22:09What is it, eh?
01:22:11Drugs?
01:22:12Porno stuff?
01:22:14Illegal immigrants?
01:22:15Fake passports?
01:22:17Money laundering?
01:22:22You have two private addresses.
01:22:24Now, no more lies.
01:22:30Why?
01:22:35Okay.
01:22:38I've had a good run.
01:22:41I couldn't expect to get away with it forever.
01:22:46Mr. Gardner and I...
01:22:50We're not gay.
01:22:53There's no farming, Luton.
01:22:55There's no transvestite called Fred.
01:22:59These were all made up to cover my guilty secret.
01:23:03The reason I have two homes is because...
01:23:09I'm married to Michelle Smith,
01:23:13and I live in Stockwell,
01:23:14and at the same time,
01:23:16I'm married to Stephanie Smith,
01:23:18and I live in Finsbury.
01:23:21I live in Finsbury.
01:23:23That's it.
01:23:29I'm a bigamist.
01:23:30I live in Finsbury.
01:23:30I live in Finsbury.
01:23:30You lying bastard.
01:23:44Go on, get out.
01:23:45Well, I can go.
01:23:50Don't worry, though.
01:23:52Sooner or later,
01:23:54I'll get you.
01:24:01Night-night.
01:24:02Is that the truth, John?
01:24:12Hmm.
01:24:14It's a bit complicated.
01:24:17Hmm.
01:24:17So you only pretended to be gay to protect Gary?
01:24:24Hmm.
01:24:27Cos while he was having it off with Bobby, Cyril and Fred,
01:24:31behind their backs,
01:24:32he was carrying on with those two police sergeants.
01:24:35Hmm.
01:24:40Yeah.
01:24:40I couldn't believe that of Gary.
01:24:45Hmm.
01:24:51Johnny?
01:24:53Hmm?
01:24:54That mad lady married to the other Mr. Smith.
01:24:59Yeah.
01:25:00Well,
01:25:01why did she call me Fred?
01:25:06She's mad, I suppose.
01:25:10And did you know
01:25:12she's a transvestite?
01:25:16No,
01:25:17I didn't, actually.
01:25:20And that other lady that was with her,
01:25:22that was her partner, Bert.
01:25:27And poor Mr. Smith.
01:25:30He only just found out today.
01:25:32Hey.
01:25:40Johnny?
01:25:42I need to tell you something.
01:25:45John?
01:25:46There's something you ought to know.
01:25:50I think I'm pregnant.
01:25:51Mm-hmm.
01:25:58Mm-hmm.
01:26:00Yeah.
01:26:04Mm-hmm.
01:26:05Yeah, yeah.
01:26:08Wake up.
01:26:09Life is complicated
01:26:11When you have a love,
01:26:13time's too.
01:26:15Mm-hmm.
01:26:15Who knew you'd become a hero
01:26:19Now there is some talking to do
01:26:22Hard to explain that you love them the same
01:26:26So you live your life
01:26:30Run, run for your wife
01:26:34You'll mess up your life
01:26:36If you double your trouble and stride
01:26:40So out of control
01:26:41Surrender your soul
01:26:44It ain't fun when you run
01:26:46Run, run for your wife
01:26:49You'll mess up your life
01:26:51If you double your trouble and stride
01:26:55So out of control
01:26:57Surrender your soul
01:26:59It ain't fun when you run for your wife
01:27:03Can't stop, gotta keep on moving
01:27:10Get yourself ahead of the game
01:27:13Tick tock, time is running out now
01:27:18You're the only one to blame
01:27:21Hard to explain that you love them the same
01:27:25So you live your life
01:27:29Run, run for your wife
01:27:33You'll mess up your life
01:27:35If you double your trouble and stride
01:27:39So out of control
01:27:40Surrender your soul
01:27:43It ain't fun when you run
01:27:45Run, run for your wife
01:27:48You'll mess up your life
01:27:51If you double your trouble and stride
01:27:54So out of control
01:27:56Surrender your soul
01:27:58Surrender your soul
01:27:59It ain't fun when you run for your wife
01:28:02Oh, holiday
01:28:10Oh, holiday
01:28:11Oh, holiday
01:28:12How to explain that you love them the same
01:28:21So you live your life
01:28:23So you live your life
01:28:25So out of control
01:28:26Run, run for your wife
01:28:28You'll mess up your life
01:28:30If you double your trouble and stride
01:28:34So out of control
01:28:35Surrender your soul
01:28:37It ain't fun when you run for your wife
01:28:41Run, run for your wife
01:28:43You'll mess up your life
01:29:13I don't do this with anyone, Gary.
01:29:18Of course not.
01:29:20But I've never actually done it with a guy that sleeps with guys, girls and transvestites.
01:29:26Versatile, Susie.
01:29:28That's me.
01:29:34Oh!
01:29:35Sorry.
01:29:38Gary!
01:29:41Gary!
01:29:43Gary!
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