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00:00Right, I called to order this week's meeting of the Church Elders of New Scunthorpe.
00:13Are we sticking with Scunthorpe?
00:15At the last meeting I thought we said we'd pick somewhere nicer, like New Bath or New Cheltenham.
00:20Hang on, hang on, what's this new business? Why is everyone saying new now?
00:24New is a new way of saying new, or as I prefer, new.
00:28Why do we need a new way of saying new?
00:30Just starting to feel more natural, like my mom was saying.
00:33Like your what? What is going on?
00:35We don't know. There's something new in the air.
00:37For me it's just saying new, but for others it's more, well, ask Tabitha to say squirrel.
00:43Ha, yeah, good one. Say squirrel, Tabitha. Say the squirrel looked in the mirror.
00:48The squirrel looked in the mirror?
00:53What's the problem?
00:54Nothing, it's nothing.
00:55Is not laughter sinful?
00:56Oh, Christ. Sorry, Lord.
00:58Shun him.
00:59Shun him for he's a papist and a blasphemer.
01:01Shun him!
01:02Shun him!
01:03Shun him!
01:04Shun him!
01:05Shun him!
01:06Shun him!
01:07Shun him! Get out!
01:08I didn't mean it. I repent.
01:09Repentance is not for this life, devil.
01:10Do you go to confession with your new papist friends?
01:13No, of course not. This is New England.
01:15New England, Satan!
01:16New England, and there are no Catholics here at all, apart from in the French bit.
01:19He has knowledge of the French bit.
01:20He has knowledge of the French bit.
01:21He celebrates the French bit's ways with their dancing and cuisine and knee tremblers.
01:25What do you know of knee tremblers, Jezebel whore?
01:28She speaks of knee tremblers. Shun her!
01:30Shun her!
01:31Shun her!
01:32Shun her!
01:33Take her hat buckle!
01:34No, not my hat buckle. I need it for if my head changes size.
01:38As well it might, as your head swells with the sexual flattery of Lucifer.
01:42He said sexual! Shun him!
01:44Shun him!
01:45Shun him!
01:46Shun him!
01:47Shun him!
01:48Shun him!
01:49Just a thought. Is Lucy shot for Lucifer?
01:51I don't think so.
01:53That's a relief. I've got a daughter called Lucy.
01:56He has a daughter called Lucifer! The devil has sprung from his loin! Shun him!
02:01Shun him!
02:02Shun him!
02:03Shun him!
02:04Shun him!
02:05But also shun her, for she said loin.
02:06Ah!
02:07I meant lions, but I'm dyslexic.
02:09Shun her, for she is dyslexic!
02:10Shun the dyslexic!
02:11Shun her!
02:12Shun the dyslexic!
02:13Shun her!
02:14Shun her!
02:15Can I just say, this is all very well, but this is why we get very little done in these meetings.
02:19Shun him!
02:20Shun him!
02:21I'm already shunned!
02:22Shun him again for good measure!
02:24Fuck off, Andrew. Look, while we're all busy shunning each other, nothing gets achieved.
02:28We're supposed to be discussing digging a well for the village.
02:31Talk to the hand, John. The face isn't listening.
02:33He exhorts us to address his hand. He wishes us to worship a false idol.
02:38Nay, we shall not bow down to your instrument of self-pleasure! Shun him!
02:43Shun him!
02:44Shun him!
02:45Shun him!
02:46Shun him!
02:47Say what I think she said.
02:48She just called you a wanker.
02:49Shun him once again!
02:50Shun him!
02:51Shun him!
02:52Shun him!
02:53Shun him!
02:54Shun him!
02:55Shun him!
02:56Shun him!
02:57Shun him!
02:58Shun him!
02:59Shun him!
03:00Shun him!
03:01Shun him!
03:02Shun him!
03:03Shun him!
03:04Shun him!
03:05Shun him!
03:06Shun him!
03:07Shun him!
03:08Shun him!
03:09Shun him!
03:10Shun him!
03:11Shun him!
03:12Shun him!
03:13Shun him!
03:14Shun him!
03:15Shun him!
03:16Shun him!
03:17Shun him!
03:18I'll fucking kill the fucker.
03:21What the fuck?
03:24I've kept this fucking farm together through fucking thick and fucking thin
03:28and I'll be fucked before I lose the fucker to this stupid little fucking cunt.
03:33I thought you loved me, you dick-breath dog fuck.
03:37So did I, you fucking bitch.
03:40I was only fucking fucking her for the fucking farm.
03:44Fair fucking up.
03:45I'm fucking lying.
03:47I fucking love you, you stupid fucking bitch.
03:51You fuck.
03:53No.
03:57Oh no.
04:00No.
04:05Fuck.
04:07This is my fucking farm now.
04:14Right.
04:15There's gonna be a fair few fucking changers around here.
04:20Wait just one fucking moment.
04:23Fuck.
04:23Shit.
04:24Piss.
04:24Cut.
04:25Who the fuck are you?
04:26I'm your fucking mother.
04:28So wash your fucking mouth out, you dozy fucking bitch.
04:31Hello there.
04:45What happened to that bloody report?
04:48I don't know, detective.
04:49Well, you'd better start thinking quick, love,
04:52or your CID career's gonna be as short as that skirt.
04:56You stupid tart.
04:57Treasured memories.
05:02I was actually the last actor on British television
05:05to wolf whistle at a school girl in a way the audience was invited to find fun.
05:11But times change.
05:13And rightly so.
05:15Since then, I've been the bloke playing a different detective who's older,
05:20a judge who's even older,
05:22and then the chap offering life insurance with no pesky medical
05:26and a free jigsaw just for applying.
05:29And when I say jigsaw, I mean the cardboard puzzle, not the power tool,
05:34which would ironically have invalidated your life insurance.
05:38Anyway, we must get on.
05:41This is turning into an amazingly long advertisement.
05:44But then you are watching daytime on ITV4,
05:47where the advertising is basically free,
05:49and the repeat of the Sweeney this is in the middle of
05:52has had to have six minutes cut out of it,
05:55for reasons you can probably guess.
05:57So we've got all the time in the world.
06:03Or have we?
06:04Because we all know that we haven't got forever.
06:09Good boy.
06:19Benji's at peace now.
06:21He won't be suffering anymore.
06:23To be honest, he was more or less okay,
06:25but he did keep shitting in the lounge.
06:28And if you're shitting in the lounge,
06:31you might want to consider the deathly-tass cut-your-losses plan.
06:36For a reasonable price,
06:37you can pay the ultimate price,
06:39and your loved ones will have the peace of mind of knowing
06:42that they can start getting your smell
06:44out of all that lovely property equity.
06:48Meanwhile, you check in to one of our luxurious clinic-cum-crematoria,
06:53kick back in a joint and muscle-soothing motorised recliner.
06:57Our nurses humorously refer to them as electric chairs,
07:02though, of course, you'll be killed by poison injection.
07:05And select a delicious last meal
07:08from our menu of Michelin-adjacent dishes.
07:12Just call the number below,
07:14or get your now-nearing-retirement-themselves children
07:17to go to the website to apply.
07:20Deathlit us.
07:22When you're getting in the way,
07:24call it a day.
07:24Whew.
07:25Oh, my God.
07:55It's platform 10.
08:01Sorry?
08:02Platform 10. The 906 to Edinburgh Waverley, it's leaving from platform 10.
08:05You need to be in Durham at lunchtime, you need the 906 leaving in 12 minutes from platform 10.
08:10How do you...
08:10It's that way. The East Coast mainland trains all leave from over there.
08:14Go and get on it. I can't bear to watch you fucking around for another fucking second.
08:19Actually, I'm not going to Durham, so I don't know what you...
08:21Don't lie to me or just embarrass yourself.
08:23You're Stephen Dobson, you've been recruited by Chinese intelligence.
08:26Your contact is a 23-year-old Chinese national called Hu Anzhan, posing as a history of art postgraduate.
08:31You need to be on the 906 right now.
08:34No, I really don't...
08:35I'm an MI5 officer, I've blown my cover, my career is over, I don't know why I did this.
08:39It's your fault, you were just too fucking annoying.
08:46Three months. Three months I had you under surveillance.
08:48Watching you shuffling around in your stupid life like that dozy prick you are.
08:52Smashing that bottle of TCP and the chemist and then just walking off without apologising.
08:57Picking your nose in the bakery and then fingering the croissants without using the tongs.
09:01Locking yourself out of your own house like a dickhead.
09:03That coat!
09:05And it was only last week that I very nearly dragged you out of your car so I could park it for you.
09:09Fifteen minutes to get a Toyota Yaris into a not especially difficult space.
09:13That was a very small space!
09:15My mother can parallel park better than you when she's 84.
09:18And as for your mother, don't think I didn't notice the way you tried to muscle in on the flowers your sister sent for her birthday when they were nothing to do with you.
09:25Sorry, can I just say, I completely agree you're an absolute asshole.
09:30Who are you?
09:31The private investigator hired by your wife.
09:33To monitor your wretched affair.
09:35With wretched Janine, who could do so much better.
09:37Oh, so much better!
09:38Can you believe the way he talks to Janine?
09:40I've wiretapped pedophiles with better manners.
09:43I...
09:44You blimmin'...
09:46Drink?
09:50Yeah, right.
09:53That's the Lincoln train, you dick!
10:00Morning, Jim.
10:01Morning.
10:01So, um, we're recording our radio play next week, but we've got a list of sound effects.
10:06Uh, just general sounds and noises, uh, that we'd like to get in the can first.
10:10Mm-hmm.
10:11Just think where we couldn't find library sounds that we need you to work your magic on, Jim.
10:15Work my magic?
10:16Yep.
10:16So, there's quite a bit to get through, um, I'll just dive straight in.
10:20Um, first up, uh, woman running barefoot along a high street pavement.
10:25Yeah, no problem, I can do that with my cock.
10:27Your what?
10:28My cock.
10:29I can make that noise with my cock.
10:31No offence.
10:32Oh, yeah.
10:34That's, that's okay.
10:35Uh, do you need us to...
10:37No, no, no, I'll do it when you've gone.
10:38I'll just make a note.
10:39Pavement feet.
10:41Cock.
10:43Okay, what's next?
10:45Right.
10:45Um, we...
10:48We need the sound of a digger, like a JCB, uh, going into soft clay and gravel and then coming up against a Roman wall.
10:57Got it.
10:58Yep.
10:58I can do that with my cock.
11:00Right.
11:00So, I'll need some oven gloves, 15 large pebbles and a packet of gummy bears or Haribo, something like that.
11:07Uh, and then, obviously, my cock, which I've got.
11:10Okay, um, we need, uh, a waterfall, medium size, not massive, and, uh, it's in woodland and there's a storm incoming, so it's draining quite hard and there's a distant helicopter.
11:23Right. Yeah, I can do that with my cock. Hang on. British woodland or tropical?
11:30Tropical.
11:30Yeah, I can do that with my cock. Because of the humidity, my cock works best. I'll need a soda stream, a flappy menu, four trout fillets, rainbow or brown, doesn't matter, and my cock, which, obviously, I've got with me.
11:45Oh, and lube. Unless otherwise stated, assume lube.
11:49Lube.
11:50Yeah, I can do that with my cock.
12:01Really? The sound of a dictionary being dropped on a desk?
12:05Yeah.
12:05Why don't you just drop a dictionary on a desk?
12:08Won't sound right. You try that if you like, but I'm telling you, if you want it to really sound like someone's dropped a dictionary on a desk,
12:15then I'm going to need three reams of A4, some highlighter pens, a bottle of Prosecco, a wall of cardboard boxes, a plastic toothpick, a wooden toothpick, a goldfish bowl filled with asparagus soup, and my cock.
12:29Okay, okay, we're nearly there now, so just, uh, we need a loose shutter banging in the wind, and it has to be on the first floor of an 18th century chateau in Provence.
12:40Okay, um, done.
12:58You're not going to use your cock for that?
13:00No.
13:02He's going to get down to it.
13:04That's not going to work.
13:06Ah, it's on me.
13:07I'm exhausted.
13:15It's day 12 of Middle-Aged Man Island.
13:18The boys have completed their tasks for the day, and now it's time to chillax and have some them time.
13:24Could you do something?
13:39What?
13:40Well, it's been 40 minutes since anyone's spoken, so, um...
13:43Oh, they want us to do something, or speak, for the programme?
13:49Oh, yeah, programme.
13:53Better out than...
13:53Actually, I hate people who say that.
13:55Okay.
13:57Let's chat.
14:06I can't think of anything to say, actually.
14:10Trouble is, there's no women here to get us started off.
14:12Okay, well, yeah, all right.
14:14You be the woman.
14:15You start us off, and then I'll get us going.
14:18Okay.
14:19Um...
14:20How are you?
14:23Fine, thanks.
14:28God, it's not easy being a woman, is it?
14:30Mm.
14:32We could talk about the Second World War again.
14:35No, we did that all last week.
14:37That was a good week.
14:37Yeah.
14:39Yeah, I know it's a bit of a stereotype.
14:41You know, men love talking about the Second World War, blah, blah, blah.
14:44But, the Second World War was, A, very important, and B, brilliant.
14:51I don't know, you're not supposed to say that anymore, but...
14:53Nah, I think it's a great war.
14:54What?
14:55Even better than the great war?
14:59See, that's the kind of joke that, if we were at home,
15:01someone would roll their eyes and say,
15:03that's a dad joke.
15:05But, yeah, it's just a joke.
15:07Actually, it was a serious question.
15:09What's your favourite war?
15:11Punic.
15:14Sorry, it's Wednesday night.
15:16It's for the bins.
15:19Mine was last night.
15:22There's no way she would have done it.
15:23Mm.
15:31But we're not saying middle-aged men are bad, right?
15:33Because middle-aged men, that's the audience.
15:35At best, that's the youth end.
15:37No, I think we can appeal to young people,
15:39because we've got that sketch about, um...
15:41Isn't there a sketch about an Xbox or something?
15:42Is that the one about assisted dying?
15:44No, no, no.
15:45It's the one where we say,
15:45wasn't everything better before the Xbox?
15:47I mean, it was harder to have a wank,
15:49but that made everything more worthwhile.
15:51Oh, that's been cut.
15:52Channel 4 said we had too many sketches
15:54that relied on wanking,
15:55and we can only have 11 max.
15:57Okay.
15:58I suppose middle-aged men island
15:59is just, like, a fun dig at Guy's Our Dad's Age.
16:02Or mine and Kale and Lara's Dad's Age.
16:05Stevie, I am 18 months older than you.
16:07Is that all?
16:08Are you sure that's right?
16:10I'm not sure that it's having a go at Our Dad's so much as...
16:13It's not actually that weird, you know, being 50.
16:16Well, of course, I...
16:17It's quite a normal age to be, okay?
16:20Yes, I mean, it's an ageing population.
16:22Ageing is very, now, very contemporary.
16:24In the past, people were a lot younger.
16:26You were?
16:27No, I mean, well, yes,
16:28but what I'm saying is that in previous ages...
16:31Oh, here comes another history lesson.
16:33In previous ages, in the middle ages,
16:36but people were younger.
16:37The average age was lower
16:38because people died younger.
16:40A youthful population is, in fact, very, very dated.
16:44Yes.
16:44It's actually very now to have dementia.
16:46Yet decrepitude is the new infant mortality.
16:49Not that we're decrepit.
16:50If only.
16:50We're not that cool.
16:51Yeah, I just think...
16:52Although I do have recurring back issues,
16:54and Rob had open-heart surgery.
16:55Okay, I think we're speaking at cross-purposes here, David.
16:57Let's not be turkeys voting for Christmas.
16:59I know we're middle-aged,
17:00but broadcasting is very youth-skewed.
17:02Always has been.
17:03Bill Cotton used to say.
17:04Shut up.
17:05Channel 4 in particular desperately try to appeal to young people.
17:08Oh, it's like a lechy uncle dancing at a wedding sometimes.
17:11Yeah, let's do the quiz where everyone shows their balls.
17:14Or vaginas.
17:15Or, as you quite rightly say, Lara, vaginas.
17:18I just think we should pay lip service to that
17:20and not just be constantly banging on about how old we are,
17:23like this bit that we're doing now,
17:24where we go on about being old,
17:26when these young people, some of them women...
17:28We're just saying, or vaginas.
17:30That's literally all I've said except this.
17:31Yeah, but you said it so well.
17:33Like, I want to say all vaginas now.
17:35In a way, Stevie, you have.
17:40Introducing Branboozled,
17:41the great new board game for everyone who loves puzzles and bran.
17:46Hooray!
17:47You've been branboozled.
17:49Hand over the bran, Grandpa.
17:54You've taken all my bran, you little scamp.
17:57Mmm.
17:59Bran.
18:01Throw the dice and spin the dial.
18:02Collect the bran and branboozle your opponents
18:04before you yourself are branboozled.
18:06Oh, I've been branboozled!
18:11More bran for me.
18:14Branboozle.
18:15The great new game that's getting all the family
18:17eating lashings of pure bran.
18:20Excessive bran consumption may cause rectal warping.
18:24Morning, Jim.
18:25Hi.
18:27That's all done.
18:27Do you want to have a listen?
18:28Oh, yes, please.
18:29So this is a...
18:47This is the rolled-up carpet
18:49being dragged down the flight of stairs
18:51with a dachshund yapping in the background.
18:54Oh, yeah.
18:55And you...
18:56You used your cock for this one?
18:59I think so.
19:00Not this one.
19:10I wasn't sure how much of it you needed, so...
19:13Great.
19:14Yeah.
19:25Come to think of it,
19:25I think this was one of the ones I used my cock for.
19:28Yeah, I thought so.
19:29It's wonderful how it doesn't matter anymore how old you are.
19:39I never imagined I would have this opportunity,
19:43but, of course, times change.
19:45With this particular piece,
19:47I thought it was important not to fixate on the age of the actor,
19:50but on the overall energy he gives off.
19:53It's such a daring and fascinating time in the theater.
19:56In the olden days,
19:58I would never have had the chance
19:59to be in this wonderful stage adaptation
20:02of The Matrix playing Neil.
20:04Oh, it's actually Neo, Sir Charlie.
20:07Hmm?
20:07Your character is called Neo.
20:09That's right, yes.
20:11And, of course, the thing about Neil
20:12is that, like most of us,
20:14he doesn't know he's in The Matrix
20:15until somebody calls his agent and says,
20:19would you like to be in The Matrix?
20:21And you think Sir Charlie gives off
20:23the right energy to play Neil?
20:24Yes.
20:25As soon as the producer suggested Sir Charlie to me,
20:28I could immediately see
20:29that he gives off exactly the right energy.
20:32Even though he's 78?
20:33Yes.
20:34Aren't there younger actors
20:35that might be more suited to playing Neil?
20:37Yes, but an audience willing to pay West End prices
20:40to see an adaptation of The Matrix
20:42won't have heard of them,
20:43whereas they all remember Sir Charlie
20:45from all the Merchant Ivory shit he did in the 80s.
20:48Are you excited to be in The Matrix?
20:50Well, I'm delighted, but as I say,
20:52Neil is absolutely devastated.
20:54Neil takes the red pill and discovers
20:56he's in The Matrix for eight shows a week,
20:58including bank holidays, for 12 weeks,
21:00and I couldn't be happier.
21:03I'll just put this here.
21:04Yes, I don't know.
21:05That's fine, huh?
21:05I don't want to get in the way.
21:07It's week two of rehearsals,
21:08and Sir Charlie and director Tony Pastry
21:10are grappling with the iconic scene
21:12where Neo uploads martial arts into his brain.
21:17Okay, so Tank just inserted the program,
21:21he's pressed the button,
21:22and all that knowledge flashes into your head
21:24in just a few seconds,
21:26and then you open your eyes,
21:28and you say the line.
21:29All right, Tony, leave it with me.
21:31Right, so he's pressed the button.
21:32Press the button.
21:33I know Kung Fu.
21:42All right, Tony.
21:45It's just...
21:47Try it again.
21:49Of course, of course.
21:50Press the button.
21:55I know Kung Fu.
21:57Yeah, it's...
22:00I think I know what it is.
22:02Yes.
22:03You're saying the line like,
22:04Kung Fu is an old friend
22:06that you've just remembered.
22:08Yes.
22:08But it isn't.
22:09No.
22:10It's a martial art.
22:11That I've forgotten.
22:13No.
22:13Because it's been years.
22:15No.
22:15How long has it been Kung Fu?
22:17He's not Kung Fu.
22:18It's been years.
22:19We're improvising.
22:20He's not Kung Fu.
22:22Oh, I see.
22:23I'm saying,
22:23I know Kung Fu,
22:24but Kung Fu's not here.
22:26I could be Kung Fu.
22:28I don't mind.
22:28Oh, bless you for that, Theo.
22:30Could we try that, Tony?
22:31I think that would really help.
22:33For me.
22:35OK.
22:37So, let's press the button.
22:38I know Kung Fu.
22:49Hi.
22:50You see, the problem is, Tony,
22:55I'm saying I know Kung Fu,
22:57but Kung Fu's standing right there,
22:58so it doesn't make any sense.
23:00Yes, you don't say it to him.
23:03And he's not Kung Fu,
23:05and Kung Fu isn't a person.
23:10Well, all right, Tony,
23:11but that's a lot of changes to take on board.
23:14May I suggest a cup of tea?
23:16A cup of tea for you, Tony?
23:49Amen.
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