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00:00:00I'll see you next time.
00:00:30You're about to hear one of the strangest stories in military history.
00:00:51I know because it happened to me, Captain Jason Briggs, Army career man for 23 years,
00:00:56no visible scars. At least until that day we were flying some 30,000 feet over a very empty section
00:01:03of the Blue Pacific. Along for the ride was Sergeant Ben Healey, my second command since
00:01:09I was stationed in Seoul. A good tough man, but a royal pain in the ass, sometimes.
00:01:15Corporal Buzz Branigan was up front at the controls, helping me escort three of the
00:01:21sorriest excuses for soldiers it had ever been my displeasure to meet.
00:01:26Private Wilbur Tabowski, or Turbo as the others called him. To me, he was just another prisoner
00:01:31headed for military court in San Diego. They said Private Wayne Kincaid was the brain, but
00:01:37the kid looked as lost as his cohorts. Like Turbo, he was facing charges for going AWOL.
00:01:44And finally, there was Schemer, a pathetic, shiftless recruit who certainly lived up to
00:01:48his name. According to the report from Honolulu Command, he was the mastermind behind the theft
00:01:54of the tank that got Turbo and the brain in hot water. Little did we know that we were all
00:01:59about to find ourselves in hot water, with little hope for survival.
00:02:03What's going on?
00:02:05Better stop it in back there, guys. We're going to have the ditch.
00:02:13What the heck? What is it?
00:02:29Please, God, let it be club man.
00:02:57I wouldn't get your hopes up, John. According to the map, this place doesn't even exist.
00:03:02What are you saying, Lieutenant?
00:03:05What I'm saying is, this island is completely uncharted.
00:03:10Well, men, we made it back to good old Terra Firma, no matter what your charts say.
00:03:15Hey, Cap, look! It's our stuff! How'd it get here?
00:03:18Same way we did, that weird current.
00:03:20What do we do now, sir?
00:03:21First things first. Let's see what kind of supplies survived the crash. Hopefully there's
00:03:26something we can use.
00:03:38Oh!
00:03:39Hey, we got a first aid kit.
00:03:41And K-rations!
00:03:43And weapons!
00:03:46And playpen. This is something we can really use.
00:03:49Here's what I've been looking for.
00:03:51Transmitter.
00:03:52You think it still works?
00:03:52The batteries are still okay.
00:04:01Hey, look!
00:04:03What?
00:04:04I thought I saw something!
00:04:06Where?
00:04:07There! It ain't a cave!
00:04:09What was it?
00:04:11I'm not sure.
00:04:13Whatever it was, I'll flush it out.
00:04:15Hold it, Sergeant.
00:04:16We're too low on ammo for you to waste it.
00:04:19That's an order.
00:04:20Sir.
00:04:20What did this thing live in?
00:04:23I know it's gonna sound crazy, but it looked like a...
00:04:28Nah.
00:04:29It couldn't have been.
00:04:30It must be my imagination.
00:04:34Kincaid!
00:04:35Yes, Captain?
00:04:37How's Buzz?
00:04:38Why don't you ask him, sir?
00:04:39How you doing, soldier?
00:04:47Hey, okay, Cap.
00:04:49Just one thing.
00:04:50What?
00:04:51Sure could use a smoke.
00:04:54Here you go, buddy.
00:05:02What are his chances?
00:05:05Not good.
00:05:06We've got to move him inland.
00:05:07Get him out of the sun.
00:05:08Yeah.
00:05:09Private?
00:05:10Grab some weapons.
00:05:12Healey, give us a hand.
00:05:28Let's move around that point.
00:05:34We're gonna have to go in the drink again.
00:05:36Come on, let's hustle with that.
00:05:38Okay.
00:05:39Kincaid, I want you to find the lookout for him.
00:05:41Here, take this.
00:05:42Right, Captain.
00:05:43Come on, let's go.
00:05:46It's all clear.
00:05:47Bring around.
00:05:48Wayne, stay here with Buzz and do what you can for him.
00:06:01We'll scout around and see if we can find something to make a stretcher.
00:06:19Let's go.
00:06:20We'll be right here.
00:06:21We'll be right here.
00:06:38strange-looking trees
00:06:42never seen anything like them
00:06:44probably poisons
00:06:46why don't you take a bite and find out, Sarge
00:06:48why don't you bite my ass, schemer
00:06:49you know, according to my map
00:06:51the spot that we're looking for should be
00:06:54right over here
00:06:55is everything a joke to you, son?
00:06:57just my career, sir
00:06:59it won't be after this mission
00:07:01ha!
00:07:08how much farther are we going?
00:07:14why did you join this man's army in the first place?
00:07:16all you do is bitch
00:07:17I thought it would be more like Hogan's Heroes or F Troop
00:07:20besides, I heard you get laid a lot
00:07:21you do?
00:07:36captain
00:07:36are you sure arming these men is such a good idea?
00:07:40they are under house arrest
00:07:41there's no telling what we'll run into
00:07:43captain, can we take a break?
00:07:46what's your problem now?
00:07:47I gotta go to the can
00:07:49fall out, man
00:07:51fall down is more like it
00:07:57have you got any water left?
00:07:59no
00:07:59ah! captain!
00:08:12on your feet, man, stay alert
00:08:15five bucks says he caught himself in a zipper
00:08:29captain!
00:08:30oh, captain!
00:08:32on the way in here
00:08:33yeah
00:08:34those aren't waves crashing, schemer
00:08:36sounds more like splashing
00:08:39it's coming from over there
00:08:43get your stuff
00:08:44yabba-dabba-doo, what did I tell you?
00:08:59yabba-dabba-doo
00:09:01what did I tell you?
00:09:02they broke that side of the train with the egg-tap creature
00:09:04and they came up out of the ocean
00:09:06check out the hooters on those bays
00:09:07this beats kay rations
00:09:10what the hell was that?
00:09:12all right, back to the beach double time
00:09:14there they are now
00:09:17come on, let's go
00:09:18make a front board, Buzz
00:09:20make a front board, buzz
00:09:22and then
00:09:23what the hell is that?
00:09:24no
00:09:25there they are now
00:09:25come on, let's go
00:09:27make a front board, buzz
00:09:30bug
00:09:32now
00:09:34Come on, let's go.
00:10:04Come on, let's go.
00:10:14Open fire, Private.
00:10:17Dammit, that's an order.
00:10:19Give me the gun.
00:10:29Watch them!
00:10:31Watch them!
00:10:34Get them!
00:10:36Come on, let's go!
00:10:41Get them!
00:10:42Get them!
00:10:45You all right, Lieutenant?
00:11:15I think so.
00:11:17Guys, what about them?
00:11:20I say we introduce ourselves.
00:11:22Not so fast, Schemer. These women are savages.
00:11:24I'm counting on it.
00:11:25Sergeant's right. We may not be welcome.
00:11:27Who cares? We're the army.
00:11:29Uncle Sam expects a certain amount of cavorting and pillaging.
00:11:32Surrender.
00:11:33You speak English.
00:11:35Surrender or die.
00:11:37You speak English very well.
00:11:38Which one of you is Uncle Sam?
00:11:41Uncle Sam?
00:11:42The leader you spoke of.
00:11:43What do you want him for?
00:11:46We want to kill him.
00:11:48Well, this is a fine mess you've gotten us into, Sam.
00:11:51Excuse me, ma'am.
00:11:53I'm the leader of this unit.
00:11:55Captain Jason Briggs, United States Army.
00:11:57I do not know these words you speak.
00:12:00You are men.
00:12:02Are you not?
00:12:03Well, I can't speak for everybody, but
00:12:05I'm all man.
00:12:07You must come with us.
00:12:08Excuse me, you don't give orders here.
00:12:10I do.
00:12:17What's so funny?
00:12:18Men giving orders.
00:12:21Everyone knows you are brainless beast.
00:12:23Sticks and stones will break our bones, but names can never hurt us.
00:12:26We have sticks.
00:12:27And stones.
00:12:28Let's break some bones.
00:12:30Hold it, Healy.
00:12:31We'll go peacefully.
00:12:48I'm sorry I froze back there, Captain.
00:12:51When I give one of my soldiers a direct order, I expect it to be followed.
00:12:54Understood?
00:12:55Yes, sir.
00:12:56It's just that ever since I was a little kid, I've always been afraid of anything.
00:12:59Creepy crawling.
00:13:00Begging your pardon, Captain.
00:13:02Why did you surrender so easily?
00:13:04These women know their way around the island.
00:13:06We may need their help to get off.
00:13:07You can say that again.
00:13:16Will you get a load of that?
00:13:18Unbelievable.
00:13:19Amazing.
00:13:20I've been wondering what the dog was doing with all those bones.
00:13:22Go!
00:13:23Go!
00:13:24Yes, ma'am.
00:13:25Gentlemen, let's proceed.
00:13:30Sorry, what do you make of this?
00:13:34First I watched us on the beach, now this?
00:13:37You got me, Turbo.
00:13:38Ask Kincaid.
00:13:39He's Mr. Know-to-all.
00:13:40I can't explain it either.
00:13:42I mean, could be we just landed on some piece of rock that time just simply forgot.
00:13:45You mean?
00:13:46Yes!
00:13:46This could be, dun-dun-dun, Dinosaur Island.
00:13:54Look alive, man.
00:14:00Move along, move along.
00:14:02The featherbeats will not hurt you.
00:14:03They only feed on leaves.
00:14:05Come along, come along.
00:14:06I bet they make great pets, too, once you get them housebroken.
00:14:08I bet they make great pets, too, once you get them housebroken.
00:14:08Can't I pay them houseplaces?
00:14:17Coin-o-arned.
00:14:26The featherbeats fly into the ground.
00:14:28hugs, Denon-o-arned.
00:14:30Going apologize now.
00:14:31The featherbeats fly into the ground.
00:14:33The featherbeats' near the ground.
00:14:35On the horse's way.
00:14:37You're right, John.
00:14:49This is Club Net.
00:14:57If anybody wants me, I'll be by the pool.
00:15:01Do not move.
00:15:02I'll put my spear in you.
00:15:04Sounds a little kinky, but hey, I'll try anything once.
00:15:06What's going to happen to us?
00:15:08That is for Queen Morgana to decide.
00:15:11This will decide what happens to me.
00:15:14Queen?
00:15:15Move, go, go.
00:15:16I'm afraid.
00:15:28Oh, mama.
00:15:31Neil!
00:15:32Neil, you dogs!
00:15:37Who are you who dares enter my domain?
00:15:41We are soldiers, your majesty.
00:15:43Soldiers?
00:15:45Yes, like you're warriors.
00:15:48Impossible.
00:15:49You're too small and fleshy to be warriors, or men for that matter.
00:15:53Now wait just a minute.
00:15:54Take away their fire spears.
00:16:04Oh, mighty queen, if they are warriors, perhaps they've been sent to us for a reason.
00:16:09And what reason would that be, princess?
00:16:12Maybe they can save us from the great one.
00:16:15Jackie Gleason?
00:16:16Do you actually believe that these puny creatures could succeed where our forefathers have failed?
00:16:27No, my queen.
00:16:28I don't.
00:16:30Take these worthless fools from my sight.
00:16:32Put them to work in the pits.
00:16:33What is that, the barbecue coming on?
00:16:42I remember a little place in Patterson, New Jersey called the Pit Stop.
00:16:45It's a great little bar.
00:16:47I bet this pit won't be as much fun.
00:16:49That's where you spend the rest of your life in chains.
00:16:51That's what they said in Patterson, kill.
00:16:53Wayne.
00:17:10Skeemer.
00:17:13You know, actually, we had nothing to do with this.
00:17:14Captain Briggs.
00:17:16Kind of crazy, you know.
00:17:22It's you.
00:17:23A Jew?
00:17:24I resemble that remark.
00:17:26It's you.
00:17:27Me?
00:17:29You bear the mark.
00:17:30The one we've been waiting for.
00:17:33Our savior.
00:17:34Right.
00:17:35It's me.
00:17:37I'm here.
00:17:39Yeah.
00:17:40I'm here.
00:17:41I can't go under the mark.
00:17:43I'm here.
00:17:44It's me.
00:17:44Why do these men still live?
00:17:59Because they are not men, queen.
00:18:01They are gods.
00:18:02This one has the mark.
00:18:04Courtesy of Win Ray's tattoos, Deuce and Broadway.
00:18:07A trick.
00:18:09Summon the soothsayer.
00:18:10We shall let her decide.
00:18:24Ask your bones whether or not these creatures possess magic.
00:18:28It is true, your highness.
00:18:30These are the gods predicted in the sacred scroll.
00:18:33Sacred scroll?
00:18:35It is in the midst of a terrible famine.
00:18:37The ocean would open up and out would come five strange and one gods.
00:18:41I've been called strange.
00:18:42I've got dibs on wonderful.
00:18:43And my tummy's been growling ever since I got here.
00:18:46They would wear foreign robes and provide us with food.
00:18:50Tic-tac?
00:18:51But most importantly, among them there will be one who the yellow sun smiles on.
00:18:56His magic would be the most powerful of all.
00:18:58For he will be the one, it will be the savior that will deliver us from the great one.
00:19:02Hey, I only deliver within a one mile radius of my house.
00:19:05Schemer.
00:19:06My people are starving.
00:19:08I refuse to place their fate in the hands of these so-called gods.
00:19:12Hey, Queenie, don't be such a sourpuss.
00:19:14Your savior's here.
00:19:15Put on a happy face.
00:19:28Where are you taking us to?
00:19:29We must prepare you for battle.
00:19:31Hey, is that spear loaded?
00:19:42Hey, that was a great one.
00:19:56There's a great one.
00:19:57Let's give it a try.
00:20:18This is Sergeant Healy of the United States Army.
00:20:25This is an S.O.S.
00:20:27Does anybody read me?
00:20:29Come in.
00:20:30Over.
00:20:30It's no use, Captain.
00:20:37The signal's not being picked up.
00:20:40We're going to have to broadcast from higher ground.
00:20:43Let's wrap it up.
00:20:44What the?
00:20:56We thought you might need your fire, Spears.
00:20:59We will await word of your victory.
00:21:02I'm dedicating our victory to you.
00:21:06Wait, this is silly.
00:21:07We've got to call you something.
00:21:08I know, from now on, you're Miss April, Miss May, and Miss June.
00:21:14April, May, June?
00:21:17What do these names mean?
00:21:19This will explain everything.
00:21:20What is it?
00:21:22Our sacred scroll.
00:21:23Is it magic?
00:21:25You have no idea.
00:21:27Now, study it hard, because we will be giving you a pop quiz later on.
00:21:38Why don't we try going downhill for a while?
00:21:48Because the girl said, follow the sun five leagues past the flowery gnoll.
00:21:52Yeah, and then what?
00:21:53What do you mean?
00:21:54I mean, what's our plan?
00:21:56We kill the Great One and come back conquering heroes.
00:21:58Do you think it's that simple?
00:21:59Absolutely.
00:22:00I don't know, John.
00:22:01I mean, you saw what that thing did to Buzz.
00:22:03Look, it's the worst creature of all.
00:22:08The Sargesaurus.
00:22:20Hiya, Cap.
00:22:21Boy, am I glad to see you guys.
00:22:22Jesus Christ.
00:22:25What are you guys doing here?
00:22:27Trying to signal the rescue party.
00:22:29Rescue party?
00:22:30You don't get it, do you?
00:22:31If we get rescued, the party's over.
00:22:34Party?
00:22:34What the hell is he talking about?
00:22:36And how did you get our weapons back?
00:22:37The women think we're gods.
00:22:39And all we have to do is kill the Great One to prove ourselves.
00:22:43You gotta be kidding.
00:22:44Turbo here couldn't even kill a garter snake, let alone a dinosaur.
00:22:48But if we do, we could spend the rest of our lives living in paradise.
00:22:53I hate to disappoint you, but you three are going back to jail and I'm gonna put you there.
00:22:59You getting anything, Sergeant?
00:23:00Just a hiss.
00:23:01Nothing but static.
00:23:02I hear it, too, but it doesn't sound like static.
00:23:05And I don't think it's coming from the radio.
00:23:07Where is it coming from?
00:23:14Oh, shit!
00:23:16Fire!
00:23:16Fire!
00:23:16Fire!
00:23:16Fire!
00:23:17Fire!
00:23:17Fire!
00:23:18Fire!
00:23:19Fire!
00:23:19Fire!
00:23:20Fire!
00:23:21Fire!
00:23:22Fire!
00:23:23Fire!
00:23:24Fire!
00:23:25Fire!
00:23:26Fire!
00:23:27Fire!
00:23:28Fire!
00:23:29Fire!
00:23:30Fire!
00:23:31Fire!
00:23:32Fire!
00:23:33Fire!
00:23:34Fire!
00:23:35Fire!
00:23:36Fire!
00:23:37Fire!
00:23:38Fire!
00:23:39Fire!
00:23:40Fire!
00:23:41Fire!
00:23:42Fire!
00:23:43Fire!
00:23:44Fire!
00:23:45Fire!
00:23:46Fire!
00:23:47Fire!
00:23:48Fire!
00:23:49Fire!
00:23:50Fire!
00:23:51Fire!
00:23:52Fire!
00:23:53Fire!
00:23:54Fire!
00:23:55Fire!
00:23:56Fire!
00:23:57Fire!
00:23:58Fire!
00:23:59Fire!
00:24:00Fire!
00:24:01I do not understand.
00:24:20How is it possible for a god to die?
00:24:24His magic must not have been very powerful.
00:24:27The important thing is that they have slain the Great One.
00:24:30The queen will be very pleased.
00:24:32This is calls for a celebration.
00:24:33No, not yet.
00:24:34First, we have to bury our dead.
00:24:38What's your angle?
00:24:40What are you talking about?
00:24:42You never gave a shit about Hiwi.
00:24:44Why the sudden change of heart?
00:24:47Captain's right, John.
00:24:48I mean, you always thought he was a jerk.
00:24:50But he was our jerk.
00:25:01What is this place?
00:25:04It is heaven.
00:25:05Heaven?
00:25:06That is the word the missionaries taught us.
00:25:09It means the place you go after you die.
00:25:12It's a burial ground.
00:25:13Get a load of that.
00:25:15Looks like something right out of King Kong.
00:25:17Captain, wouldn't it be easier to bury him at sea?
00:25:26Wayne, how's your arm?
00:25:29It's okay, sir.
00:25:30Give it a rest.
00:25:32I'm fine.
00:25:34That's an order.
00:25:36Turbo, take over.
00:25:45Come on, let's put some muscle in it.
00:25:47You are in pain?
00:25:51Just give me a bullet to bite on and I'll be fine.
00:25:54I do not understand.
00:25:56Yeah, I'm in pain.
00:25:58And eating a bullet will help?
00:26:01I don't think anything on this island is going to help.
00:26:04What about me?
00:26:06You?
00:26:08Come.
00:26:13Hey, Captain.
00:26:14My arm's starting to hurt.
00:26:15Dig.
00:26:23Where are we going?
00:26:25You'll see.
00:26:31Wow.
00:26:32Come.
00:26:36Sit.
00:26:37Ow, ow, ow.
00:26:51Ow, what are you doing?
00:26:53I'm healing you.
00:26:54You could have fooled me.
00:26:55May almighty God have mercy on his soul.
00:27:02Amen.
00:27:02Amen.
00:27:04Where have you been?
00:27:06I'll explain it to you when I understand it.
00:27:09Come, sisters.
00:27:10We must bring word of the great one's death to the queen.
00:27:13We'll meet you back at the village.
00:27:14All right, men, let's get the gear and go.
00:27:25There goes the great one.
00:27:39So much for the great one.
00:27:40Look a lot.
00:27:43Take a good long look, ladies.
00:27:45It's wonderful.
00:27:47A miracle.
00:27:48This meat will feed many mouths.
00:27:51But where's the great one?
00:27:54Where's the what?
00:27:55We thought that...
00:27:56Isn't that...
00:27:57This is just a beast of armor.
00:28:00Oh, no.
00:28:01And a baby one at that.
00:28:03Oh, no.
00:28:04The great one is ten times as big.
00:28:13Uh, what was that?
00:28:16The great one.
00:28:18Oh, boy.
00:28:20Don't worry.
00:28:20We'll take care of the great one just like we took care of this guy.
00:28:24That's not going to be so easy without ammunition.
00:28:27And boys, we're fresh out.
00:28:30Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:28:34You've failed, proving once and for all your frauds, not gods, but mere men.
00:28:50Not so fast, Queenie.
00:28:51Aren't you forgetting something?
00:28:53What?
00:28:54The first part of the prophecy.
00:28:55We produce food in the middle of a famine.
00:28:58They're right, Morgana.
00:28:59The beast of armor will feed the entire village for a week.
00:29:02Nevertheless, I am the lawgiver, and I say that these men can bring only harm to the village.
00:29:07They must all die.
00:29:09No!
00:29:10You dare challenge your queen?
00:29:13April is right.
00:29:14These men have done us no evil.
00:29:16Only helped us in our struggle to survive.
00:29:18My command will still be carried out immediately.
00:29:22No!
00:29:24As written in the sacred scroll,
00:29:26I challenge thee to Oma Pa.
00:29:29Oh, my Pa Pa.
00:29:33Oh, Ma Pa.
00:29:34I've heard of it, John.
00:29:35The Druids used it to oppose the laws of their leaders.
00:29:38Very well, then.
00:29:39As it is written, so shall it be.
00:29:42We fight this night in the circle of power.
00:29:45If you win, the men will be spared.
00:29:47But if you lose,
00:29:49you, your traitorous sisters,
00:29:50and these pitiful warriors will all suffer a fiery death in the pit.
00:29:56Well, your majesty,
00:29:57since this is going to...
00:29:59What's wrong with him?
00:30:05He's just upset because the transmitter was destroyed.
00:30:07Oh, that's a real shame.
00:30:08It looks like we're stuck on this island with a bunch of beautiful women for the rest of our lives.
00:30:12What about the great ones stuck with him?
00:30:14And it's not going to be easy killing him with no ammo.
00:30:16He's right, John.
00:30:18I mean, what's going to happen to us once the girls find out the truth?
00:30:21I'll tell you what's going to happen.
00:30:23We're going to end up at the bottom of that pit everyone's been talking about.
00:30:27That's why our first order of business is to end this famine.
00:30:30Yeah, but how are we going to do that?
00:30:32You mean, how are you going to do that?
00:30:34Me?
00:30:35Why me?
00:30:36They don't call you weighing the brain for nothing.
00:30:46You mean to tell me that no fruit-bearing plants will grow here on the island?
00:31:08Oh, yes.
00:31:09We have tried and succeeded.
00:31:11Only the food is always devoured before we can harvest it.
00:31:15By the great one?
00:31:16No, by the small ones.
00:31:19The small ones?
00:31:20Hmm?
00:31:24Oh, gross.
00:31:31Come on.
00:31:32I got an idea.
00:31:32Come on.
00:31:37What are you doing?
00:31:46Making a pesticide.
00:31:50Pesticide?
00:31:52Yeah, it's sort of like a potion that will help to protect your harvest.
00:31:59Impossible.
00:32:01Magic is useless against the small ones.
00:32:03This isn't magic.
00:32:05This is chemistry.
00:32:07What is chemistry?
00:32:13Here, I'll show you.
00:32:14All right.
00:32:15I'm taking a little iodine.
00:32:17Okay?
00:32:18I mix this with mosquito repellent.
00:32:22Mm-hmm.
00:32:25Then, I dilute it with water.
00:32:28And, finally, I add my secret ingredient.
00:32:37It smells awful.
00:32:39What is it?
00:32:40Dinosaur urine?
00:32:43No.
00:32:44Schemer's aftershave.
00:32:45Will it really keep the small ones away from our crops?
00:32:51I don't see why not.
00:32:53It keeps the women away from Schemer.
00:32:54April, what's your favorite food?
00:33:11Mmm.
00:33:12I love pterodactyl.
00:33:13Why?
00:33:14Because I was thinking maybe we could go out for dinner tonight.
00:33:17But we eat out every night.
00:33:19I don't mean outside.
00:33:21I mean out on a date.
00:33:23What is a date?
00:33:26It's when two people want to be alone together.
00:33:29But how can we be alone and together at the same time?
00:33:33I mean, we'll be by ourselves.
00:33:36For what reason?
00:33:38So we can get to know each other.
00:33:41Oh.
00:33:42So you can learn my turn-ons and turn-offs?
00:33:46Who taught you those words?
00:33:49I have been studying your sacred scroll.
00:33:52What do you think of it?
00:33:53Oh, it is very wise.
00:33:54But I do not understand one thing.
00:33:59What is a kiss?
00:34:03I'll show you tonight.
00:34:07Tell me why we're doing this again.
00:34:15Because pterodactyl is April's favorite food.
00:34:20It doesn't slither, does it?
00:34:21No, it flies.
00:34:24And there it is.
00:34:29Oh, that thing has scales.
00:34:30I'm out of here.
00:34:31All right, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.
00:34:37Turbo, you have got to get over this fear of yours.
00:34:40If you won't do it for yourself, do it for June.
00:34:42I don't want to impress June.
00:34:44Creepy crawly things don't scare me half as much as she does.
00:34:47I know she's kind of dumb, but it's not what I'm talking about, schema.
00:34:51What are you talking about?
00:34:53I don't exactly have a lot of experience with girls.
00:34:58You mean you're still Cherry?
00:35:01Sorry, I just figured a big, strong guy like you...
00:35:10Girls take one look at me and they get scared.
00:35:13I don't blame them, though.
00:35:15I don't want to go out with a Neanderthal like me.
00:35:18A cavewoman's a pretty safe bet.
00:35:20Besides, I think June is kind of the old-fashioned type.
00:35:22I don't think sloping foreheads or knuckles that drag on the ground are a problem for her.
00:35:28What if I'm bad?
00:35:30Turbo, there aren't any other men on this island.
00:35:33Chances are she won't know the difference.
00:35:35Come on.
00:35:53Maybe we can go get another one.
00:35:57I think I saw one on the hill over here.
00:36:00Come on, let's go.
00:36:15Hey, where's my aftershave?
00:36:16Oh, sorry, John.
00:36:18I needed it to make a pesticide.
00:36:20It better work.
00:36:21We're almost out of dinosaur meat.
00:36:23And whose fault is that?
00:36:26Schemer, tell the captain to stop picking on me.
00:36:28Look, I don't have time for this.
00:36:30Well, actually, you do.
00:36:32I did some tests on the water around here.
00:36:35Just give me the condensed version.
00:36:36Well, the water's volcanic origin gives it amazing regenerative powers.
00:36:42Belonged intake may actually make the body younger and healthier forever.
00:36:45That explains your quick healing and why these dinosaurs are still roaming the island.
00:36:50Yeah.
00:36:51Nobody bothered to tell them they're extinct.
00:36:52Well, it also means these women are a lot older than we think.
00:36:57I mean, they could be one, two, even 3,000 years old.
00:37:00Hey, I've always had a thing for older women.
00:37:02So if you gentlemen will excuse me, I've got a date with the hottest prehistoric babe I've ever met.
00:37:07How's your pterodactyl? I caught it myself.
00:37:20Oh, how brave.
00:37:26I'm not sure.
00:37:28It tastes a little like turtle.
00:37:31You know, this place has really gone downhill since the new chef took over.
00:37:35I like turtle.
00:37:36But you, you are not eating.
00:37:39Me?
00:37:40I had a late lunch.
00:37:46But aren't you still hungry?
00:37:48Not really.
00:37:49Well, then why did you try to press your lips to mine?
00:37:53You asked me to show you what a kiss was.
00:37:55You'll like it.
00:37:56I promise.
00:37:57Did the earth move?
00:38:08It did for me.
00:38:12Dear gods!
00:38:13The great one!
00:38:14Hey, I haven't even taken it out yet.
00:38:16Oh, that great one!
00:38:24This way!
00:38:24Here, we can hide in here!
00:38:49That ought to hold him.
00:39:09Would have kicked his ass.
00:39:27You know, this would make a great condo.
00:39:33We could settle down.
00:39:34No, no.
00:39:35This is a terrible place.
00:39:37We must go no further.
00:39:38Why's that?
00:39:39Got plenty of room?
00:39:40Hot and cold running slime?
00:39:42Look at this.
00:39:47Just my luck.
00:39:50Gold.
00:39:50It is not safe to go on.
00:40:01We must turn back.
00:40:02Don't wet yourself, sweetheart.
00:40:04I just need a couple more gold nuggets
00:40:05to make the down payment
00:40:06on that little Malibu beach house
00:40:07I've had my eye on.
00:40:09But the beast of the cave!
00:40:11Surely it will hear us!
00:40:12Beast?
00:40:13You didn't say anything about a beast.
00:40:16You wouldn't let me!
00:40:18What does he look like?
00:40:20Sounds like...
00:40:24Two words.
00:40:25Big!
00:40:26Hideous!
00:40:29Behind me?
00:40:30Behind me?
00:40:30Oh, my God!
00:40:39Oh, my God!
00:40:40Oh, my God!
00:40:41Oh, my God!
00:40:42Oh, my God!
00:40:43Oh, my God!
00:40:43Oh, my God!
00:40:44Oh, my God!
00:40:45Oh, my God!
00:40:46Oh, my God!
00:40:46Oh, my God!
00:40:47Oh, my God!
00:40:47Oh, my God!
00:40:48Oh, my God!
00:40:48Oh, my God!
00:40:49Oh, my God!
00:40:49Oh, my God!
00:40:50Oh, my God!
00:40:50Oh, my God!
00:40:51Oh, my God!
00:40:52Oh, my God!
00:40:52Oh, my God!
00:40:53Oh, my God!
00:40:53Oh, my God!
00:40:54Oh, my God!
00:40:55Oh, my God!
00:40:55Oh, my God!
00:40:56Oh, my God!
00:40:56Oh, my God!
00:40:57Oh, my God!
00:40:58Oh, my God!
00:40:59Ah, ah, ah!
00:41:29Come with me.
00:41:56Go! Go!
00:41:59Kneel! Kneel!
00:42:03Ah, you are the one called Captain, are you not?
00:42:08What the hell's going on here?
00:42:10Our culture has an ancient proverb that says,
00:42:13My enemy's enemy is my friend.
00:42:15I have been observing you. I believe you to be such a person.
00:42:19Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you since we got stranded here.
00:42:23And if I could provide you with the way off the island,
00:42:25you would take the others with you, would you not?
00:42:27You can count on it.
00:42:30Many moons ago, a great silver bird crashed into the ocean.
00:42:35A crate filled with strange objects washed ashore.
00:42:38What kind of objects?
00:42:40Objects I've never seen before.
00:42:41But one of them carried voices from far away.
00:42:49You have a transmitter?
00:42:50The voices I heard spoke in a language unlike yours or ours.
00:42:55Where is this crate?
00:42:56This map will guide you to where it is buried.
00:43:03Have you girls got any shovels to go with those spears?
00:43:06I guess he took a powder.
00:43:28It is safe.
00:43:29I wonder what made him so mad.
00:43:32I think I know.
00:43:33Wow.
00:43:39Look at the size of that egg.
00:43:58It must have gotten too close to her nest.
00:44:01Her?
00:44:01You mean the great one's a girl?
00:44:03Let us go.
00:44:04We must not be here when she comes back.
00:44:06Wait a minute.
00:44:06What about that egg?
00:44:07What about it?
00:44:09It would make one hell of a Denver omelet.
00:44:10Wayne, look!
00:44:21We are safe from starvation.
00:44:24The food has grown in great abundance.
00:44:27Wow.
00:44:27It's better than all you can eat night at Sizzler.
00:44:30It's truly a miracle.
00:44:31But how could it have grown so fast?
00:44:33There's something in that water.
00:44:35Who cares?
00:44:35Let's eat.
00:44:36Let's eat.
00:44:37Let's eat.
00:44:38Eat, eat.
00:44:38Looks like .
00:44:49Let's eat.
00:44:51Let's eat.
00:46:54I'm telling you guys, this cave we found is crawling with gold.
00:46:58Yeah, and according to April, it's also crawling with monsters.
00:47:01No big deal.
00:47:01I had him eating spear right out of my hand.
00:47:04You can have your gold.
00:47:05This is the life for me.
00:47:07I hear you.
00:47:08You will come with us.
00:47:09The queen awaits you in her throne room.
00:47:11Again?
00:47:11What now?
00:47:12I'm booked till four.
00:47:14Come.
00:47:14Come.
00:47:14It has come to my attention that the three of you have feelings for these men.
00:47:33It is true, oh queen.
00:47:35Is that why you brought us here?
00:47:37We would like to ask you for your blessing.
00:47:39My blessing?
00:47:41April and I want to get married.
00:47:43But May and I just thought we'd live together first.
00:47:46And June and I, we just want to go steady.
00:47:50What you ask is not possible.
00:47:53Why not?
00:47:54These girls are the oldest in the village.
00:47:56They're next in line.
00:47:58For the throne?
00:47:59For the altar.
00:48:00That's what we're talking about.
00:48:01Getting a little cave of our own, tar pit in the backyard, having a couple of chrome magnans,
00:48:05becoming fossils together.
00:48:06Not the altar of marriage, you fool.
00:48:10The altar of sacrifice.
00:48:13Sacrifice?
00:48:14Every time the sun crosses the sea and reaches its zenith, we must sacrifice a virgin to the great one.
00:48:20Wait a minute.
00:48:20You mean you actually feed your people to that thing?
00:48:23If I don't, the beast will come to the village to satisfy its hunger.
00:48:27And then we would all die.
00:48:28Queen Morgana, do you really think the great one cares whether or not it eats a virgin?
00:48:33It never bothered me before.
00:48:36It didn't.
00:48:37It is our way, as is dictated by the sacred scroll.
00:48:42But that's just ancient superstition.
00:48:45It's the same superstition that has proclaimed you as gods.
00:48:49Well, then again, a sacred scroll is a sacred scroll.
00:48:53Only when you have proven yourselves worthy will I give you my blessing.
00:48:57How do we do that?
00:48:59Oh, it's really quite simple.
00:49:01All you have to do is destroy the great one.
00:49:03Just bring me his head.
00:49:05And then you can all live happily ever after.
00:49:08Destroy the great one?
00:49:21While we're at it, why don't we melt the Wicked Witch of the West?
00:49:23Well, whatever we do, we better do it fast.
00:49:26I think she was talking about the spring equinox, which is only three days away.
00:49:30So now what do we do?
00:49:32I don't know about you guys, but I've already taken April out of the competition.
00:49:35What do you mean?
00:49:36Hey, every schoolboy knows April comes before May or June.
00:49:40Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
00:49:41Well, I hate to admit it, but...
00:49:44Oh, not you too.
00:49:45Sorry, big guy.
00:49:46It was too good of an opportunity to pass up.
00:49:48Oh, so now you're saying it's up to me.
00:49:51Well, it's a big no-go.
00:49:52I'm not doing nothing till I'm ready.
00:49:55But I'm telling you this.
00:49:56I'm tired of running scared on this island from some big overgrown lizard.
00:50:01I say it's time I stopped cowering.
00:50:03Kick some monster ass!
00:50:07You guys with me?
00:50:09Hey, I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
00:50:11But where are we going to get the firepower?
00:50:12Right here, boys.
00:50:18Now let's snap, too.
00:50:20We got bigger fish to fry.
00:50:26Who wants these?
00:50:31I have provided you with the weapons you have requested.
00:50:59And now it is up to you.
00:51:00If you do not return within two days,
00:51:03we will have no choice but to sacrifice one of our own to the Great One.
00:51:07Don't worry, man.
00:51:09We'll be back.
00:51:11I wish you luck, Captain.
00:51:21Looks like Briggs is getting engaged.
00:51:28Even Briggs can get laid on this island.
00:51:30Let's move it out.
00:51:42So these missionaries are the ones that taught you to speak English?
00:51:45Why, yes.
00:51:45That's it, exactly.
00:51:46Hey, now what?
00:51:48Quiet.
00:51:48Look at that.
00:51:49Is it harmless like the one we saw before?
00:51:58Yes, it's the Thunder Beast.
00:52:00Harmless.
00:52:01Hmm.
00:52:01Yeah, harmless.
00:52:04So, Schemer, you've seen this great one.
00:52:06What was it like?
00:52:08Well, you remember that transvestite hooker that Turbo tried to pick up on in the Philippines?
00:52:11Hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:52:14Well, it was as ugly as that, but bigger and pissed off.
00:52:17So where does this beauty make its home?
00:52:19It lives near the big cave.
00:52:21The one with the gold in it?
00:52:23Same.
00:52:25Lead on.
00:52:26Well, it's true.
00:52:38Oh, my God.
00:53:08Here's where it gets interesting.
00:53:17Captain, will you look at that?
00:53:19My God.
00:53:20Think of the cholesterol.
00:53:27Let's take cover in the cave.
00:53:32Let's not make a meal out of that private.
00:53:38You will not find the great one in there.
00:53:53She's much too big.
00:53:55This looks like a good place to set up camp till it comes back.
00:53:58Turbo, see if you can find some firewood.
00:54:00Yes, Captain.
00:54:01The rest of you take cover in the cave.
00:54:05You never know when Mom will come home.
00:54:08She's probably just out picking up a few things for dinner.
00:54:11I'll take first watch.
00:54:12Pretty good, huh, Captain?
00:54:27Keep it going, Private.
00:54:29It's gonna be dark soon.
00:54:31And I think staying in here is gonna be our best bet.
00:54:34This will keep the riffraff out.
00:54:36Those big lizards still give me the shakes.
00:54:38You think that's something?
00:54:40There was this bimbo actress I was dating back in L.A.
00:54:42What a piece.
00:54:44Almost married her, too.
00:54:46Then I got a look at her mother.
00:54:48Holy mackerel, what a puss on her.
00:54:51I'd rather look at the great one any day.
00:54:53They say if you want to know what a girl's gonna look like after she's married,
00:54:56look at her mother.
00:54:58Is that true, Schemer?
00:54:59That's what I heard.
00:55:02Say, June,
00:55:04was your mother pretty?
00:55:05I bet she was.
00:55:08Come, let us go for a walk.
00:55:15Private, let's not walk too far from the light.
00:55:18Yes, sir.
00:55:19Yes, sir.
00:55:38What are you looking at?
00:55:52The moon.
00:55:53It is crossing over the ocean.
00:55:55Yeah.
00:55:55You know,
00:56:00if you do not kill the great one,
00:56:02I will be its next sacrifice.
00:56:05Oh, you don't have to.
00:56:07There's, um,
00:56:08another way.
00:56:10Oh, no.
00:56:11I could never dishonor my heritage by doing what my sister...
00:56:14You'd rather give yourself to the great one than to me.
00:56:18It is true.
00:56:20I have never known a man before.
00:56:22Neither have I.
00:56:24Well, there was that one time in Manila.
00:56:25What?
00:56:25I mean,
00:56:26I've never known a girl before.
00:56:28I mean,
00:56:29I've known girls,
00:56:30but I've never known girls.
00:56:33You know?
00:56:35Then you were like me.
00:56:38Yeah.
00:56:40Scared.
00:56:40And then she chased you?
00:57:10And you ran into...
00:57:13Wait, wait, wait.
00:57:13Skip over that part.
00:57:15How's it going?
00:57:16Pretty spooky, Cap.
00:57:17These stones and bones know everything.
00:57:20She's got them telling my whole life story.
00:57:22You think that's suitable for mixed company?
00:57:25Maybe I better change the subject, huh?
00:57:28Very interesting, schemer.
00:57:30But I think it's your turn to stand guard duty.
00:57:33Now go find Turbo and bring him back if you can.
00:57:35There's certainly no future in that.
00:57:40You know,
00:57:43trouble with being a regular army,
00:57:45since you're always sticking your neck out
00:57:46while the girls are sitting comfy back at home.
00:57:50I'll bet they're kicking back right now
00:57:52with a big bowl of strawberries.
00:57:54Mm-hmm.
00:58:08Yeah!
00:58:09Yeah!
00:58:09Yeah!
00:58:10Yeah!
00:58:11Yeah!
00:58:12Yeah!
00:58:17Yeah!
00:58:17Yeah!
00:58:18Let's go.
00:58:48Well, it looks like a no-show.
00:58:52She's probably out on a bender.
00:58:53She might not even come back.
00:58:55She will come back.
00:58:56She's the mother.
00:58:57I could say that again.
00:59:00There must be something we can do to bring her around.
00:59:03Any ideas, Kincaid?
00:59:04Yeah, brain.
00:59:05Think of something.
00:59:06Well, I have an idea that might work, but it's a little risky.
00:59:10Risky physically or risky financially?
00:59:14What do you got in mind, Kincaid?
00:59:16Here.
00:59:17I'll diagram it out for you.
00:59:32I hope this works.
00:59:38Don't worry.
00:59:39It will.
00:59:44Quiet.
00:59:45I think I hear something.
00:59:45Come on.
01:00:10Let's move.
01:00:10Come on.
01:00:17Ah!
01:00:18Ah!
01:00:18Die, you dinosaur dick!
01:00:48One of these days, ass!
01:00:57Oh, they could kiss her!
01:01:01Damn it, you did it!
01:01:06I did it?
01:01:07You did it!
01:01:08You did it!
01:01:09You did it!
01:01:10You did it!
01:01:11You did it!
01:01:12You did it!
01:01:13You did it!
01:01:14You did it!
01:01:15You did it!
01:01:16You did it!
01:01:17You did it!
01:01:18You did it!
01:01:19You did it!
01:01:20Come on, let's not make a meal out of this thing!
01:01:23We got a village to feed!
01:01:25And so, by my authority as queen of this island, I now pronounce you caveman and wife.
01:01:40You may kiss the princess.
01:01:42Well, schemer, I guess you won't have to face that trial I was taking you back to.
01:01:51I still got the old ball and chain, if you know what I mean.
01:01:53I guess that's punishment enough.
01:01:55I'm not sure.
01:01:56I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
01:01:59I'm sorry.
01:02:00I'm sorry!
01:02:02Where have you been?
01:02:07We had some celebrating of our own to do.
01:02:08I was a bad boy.
01:02:10April, is polygamy legal on this island?
01:02:12silent captain i just wanted to tell you how brave i thought you were in battle
01:02:21well thank you very much your majesty i've never seen a warrior with such strength
01:02:26it's too bad you wish to leave us it is this tribe could use a king
01:02:32well since you put it that way
01:02:36what does this mean it means we get to live happily forever after
01:02:48so
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