00:00I'm Adam's emotional support dog this is very cool I hope you're all having a fun time what a nice
00:07night beautiful what a house good lord so much like my house ladies and gentlemen I wrote a
00:14speech okay good evening my glorious fashionistas bedazzled baristas and TJ Maxxonistas we are here
00:22tonight to celebrate fine fabrics designer booties the latest greatest mascara products
00:28and more things I know nothing about now when in style magazine called me my first thought was yes
00:36of course I will grace your cover you can dress me up any way you want like when those children
00:41made E.T. look like a beautiful old lady but when they responded it ain't about the cover it's about
00:49presenting madam Laura Dern with a woman of impact award I got even more hype can I get a hell yeah
00:55nobody I know makes an impact like the one and only Derno I like to call her to get the obvious out of
01:04the way the Derno was one of the best actresses to ever grace the stage or screen her kids love her
01:08my kids love her my wife loves her George loves her I love her America loves her Noah Baumbach loves her
01:15Thomas Edison would have loved her if she was around in those days dare I say there would have been
01:20electricity thank you that was pretty good yes but not bad keep going but to only define Laura as
01:29merely a great actor is like saying Robocop is only good at giving parking tickets this lady can do it
01:35all she can write she can produce she can swim she can philanthropize she can harmonize she can
01:42speechify she can make you say maybe I'd look good wearing thick ass glasses speaking of style the Derno
01:48is only is the only woman known that can actually take a tiny Prada bag to a festivity and somehow fit in
01:56lipstick blush butterscotch candies a hammer and Emmy and Oscar five golden globes the severed ear from
02:04blue velvet a guinea pig brass knuckles a bottle of Hennessy and an EpiPen just in case anyone in her
02:12vicinity gets stung by a peanut all in one handbag mind you can I get a hell yeah let's go
02:18when I Adam Sandler walked down the street with the Derno people's faces light up as if to say wow
02:27Laura Dern still hangs out with the sick dinosaur from Jurassic Park that just makes my heart flutter
02:33but more than that she's one of the nicest people my family knows she she would be best friends with
02:40your wife your sister your daughter your brother your nun your gardener your karate teacher and every one
02:46of you in this audience tonight she's a great the Derno's constantly helping others always goes out of
02:51her way to give back she inspires us to be better people I hope you're all lucky enough to be friends
02:57with Laura Dern someday Laura nobody deserves this award more ladies and gentlemen you're a winner
03:06and captain care of the woman of impact award the Derno Laura Dern
03:13You
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