- 1 day ago
Childhood favourite game show
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FunTranscript
00:00Oh, for a muse of fire that would ascend the brightest heaven of confusion.
00:06A car park for a stage, emerald guards to act, and keshi heads to behold the missing teeth.
00:14Imagine when we talk of winners, that you actually get to see them,
00:19banging their proud noses on the muddy earth.
00:22For tis your lats that now must deck our players,
00:25carry them here and there, jumping over all kinds of rubbish,
00:31squeezing the accomplishment of many years into a sweet leotard.
00:37Admit me, great Charles, to this history,
00:41that I might humbly pray that you gently watch and kindly judge our game.
00:48Cry havoc and let slip.
00:50It's time for Takeshi's castle.
00:55What mighty general's this, that so far from Albion's shores,
01:10has gathered here a legion of warriors, knights and common men together,
01:14to leap with lion's hearts over perilous monsters of the sea,
01:19across dizzying heights and interpressy depths,
01:23that some might crawl from those adamantine gates of hell,
01:28to reign justice on the count and his emerald guard.
01:32Onward general, to the fruits of victory and spoils that lie beyond...
01:37It's slip discs, come on!
01:41Onward general, to the game of course, keep your head down!
01:49Save your ring from penetration!
01:56We've got 100 contestants here, only 88 blankets in the next round!
02:00That means a dirty dozen are going out of this very early stage!
02:04They've flown from near and far, it's a matter of pride!
02:10They don't want to go out just yet, back on the bus!
02:15They all look better in slow motion!
02:16Keep your head down, look, come on, keep your head down!
02:22Save it all!
02:24Director, getting a little bit cosy with his camera there!
02:26Them look on highly active, very well trained!
02:33They live, sleep!
02:38Well, don't we all?
02:43Two paths diverged in a wood, and maize!
02:46And I, I took the ones less traveled by!
02:50If only our contestants had done the same!
02:52It might have made all the difference!
02:54There's the honeycomb maize!
02:55Look how slippy the floor is!
02:59Proceed with caution!
03:01Avoid the gods, the beasts of the maize!
03:05Get from one side to the other without ending up in the drink!
03:08Come out the door that leads to dry land and you go through!
03:11Whoa!
03:13Look at the floaters in there!
03:14Absolutely disgusted!
03:15The steam coming off it!
03:18Raw untreated sewage!
03:22Strange, really, because they're such a clean people!
03:24Getting down and dirty today, though!
03:28Come on, love, you have to move quicker than this!
03:33You're going to get trapped by the black-handed, black-hearted gods!
03:36Oh, no!
03:37Body swerve!
03:38Body swerve!
03:40Oh, she's trapped now, though!
03:42They've got to buy the jumper!
03:43But she's getting away!
03:44It's a cat-and-mouse game, this!
03:47I can't believe she's going to make it!
03:51She's going round in circles, and of course she isn't going to make it at all!
03:54In the drink!
03:56Back on the bus!
03:57Back to Matron!
03:58With the warm milk and biscuits!
04:00I can't believe it!
04:01You're right!
04:03Monsi Kumas!
04:04To the butcher!
04:09It's his head on the block!
04:12Oh, he's going curesly, but he's going in the right direction!
04:15Oh, no!
04:16Wrong door!
04:18Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!
04:19Oh, dear!
04:22Here we go!
04:25He's dressed in yellow, he ain't no coward.
04:32It takes bravery, some would say madness, to play Takeshi's castle.
04:38And of course, lots and lots of medical cover.
04:44Animal pushed him through there.
04:48Somehow I don't think Animal's taking it seriously today.
04:52This lad is though.
04:55He slips.
04:59To shore of nonsense.
05:02Very Shakespearean.
05:03Oh, is he going through? No!
05:05Wrong door again.
05:07Ends up in the drink.
05:09All up his nose and everything.
05:14That's what you need.
05:16Couple of scotches, before you enter the maze.
05:18This commentator, of course, on a whiskey diet. He lost three days last week.
05:25Bum bum.
05:26Bum bum.
05:34Oh, she caught it.
05:36Can't get good in the wrong room.
05:39And now the black hands.
05:42It's like a night round at New Heaveners.
05:47There's the black hand coming out.
05:51Her face is blackened.
05:53Her reputation blackened.
05:55Her reputation blackened.
05:57What?
05:58Few tears in the eyes.
06:00She doesn't want to go back to the wrong room at all.
06:03Very strange tattoo.
06:05This is the fountain.
06:07Not the honeycomb maze.
06:08I just hope he doesn't sink.
06:12We've all heard karaoke.
06:18Oh, come on.
06:19We haven't gone all day.
06:23We're sneaking around like a burglar.
06:26Come on, lad.
06:29Oh, good body swerve though.
06:30Go in the right direction.
06:32And then comes out the wrong door.
06:35You don't want to put your head under, mate.
06:38It's all like a bust.
06:39It's all like a blusk.
06:40It's all like a blusk.
06:48He's coming on his back and he's scurrying like a beetle.
06:51Bad center direction though.
06:54Straight in to Adanul's grasp.
07:01Look at that.
07:02Look at that!
07:12We're gonna dump him head first as the drink!
07:15Tea break over, back on your heads!
07:20Animal, sadistic as usual!
07:23It's like medieval torture!
07:25My ridiculous replay though has got me this nervous little chap!
07:29Out, damn spot! And stick yourself on a hot watch!
07:33In Xanadu did Kubla Khan!
07:35A stately Pleasuredome decree!
07:38But it wouldn't have lasted long in Quake, I'll tell you that!
07:44Still don't know about the wigs!
07:47Maybe they're just in disguise so their friends and family don't know it's them!
07:53We've got Fallers already!
07:55It's like the grand national of games this!
07:59What's he opening the shirt for?
08:02All two survivors, they'll go through!
08:04Gotta be happy!
08:05Not as easy as it looks!
08:07But, but more stupid!
08:09There we go!
08:10Building to start to move!
08:11We have a Faller!
08:12One at the back's gone as well!
08:14The windows are breaking!
08:16The furniture's falling off the walls!
08:17Three survivors!
08:18I don't think this is Shake rattling and rolling as much as it used to!
08:21It seems to have slowed down a bit!
08:22What's that kimono on the left?
08:23Somewhere in Japan, there's a Renault Clio without sea covers!
08:27Look at it!
08:28Buildings falling apart!
08:29He's just got it in the nose and falling off the walls!
08:30It's falling off the walls!
08:31Three survivors!
08:32I don't think this is Shake rattling and rolling as much as it used to!
08:38It seems to have slowed down a bit!
08:41What's that kimono on the left?
08:43Somewhere in Japan, there's a Renault Clio without sea covers!
08:50Look at it!
08:51Buildings falling apart!
08:53Buildings falling apart!
08:55He's just got it in the nose and thick!
08:57He ain't happy!
08:58All right!
08:59All right!
09:00All right!
09:01Here we go!
09:04Porky went straight away!
09:07He's bringing them all down with him!
09:11Hey!
09:12Look at the tash!
09:13Lovely sir!
09:14Like Tom Selleck in Magnum!
09:17Oh!
09:18But he's firing blanks!
09:20And he's fired out the competition!
09:23Ridiculous replay time!
09:25Soft 1-0 through yonder doorway breaks!
09:28It is the East you know!
09:30And they don't like homewreckers!
09:32Call him Hishmael!
09:33And look sharp all of you!
09:35That are whales hereabouts!
09:40It's Wipeout!
09:44He looks very Japanese!
09:47He's a ninja assassin!
09:49And he's just committed harikari!
09:51He's got it!
09:53He's out the game!
09:54Before I can tell you the rules!
09:57You get on the board!
09:59You hang a ten!
10:00Over the whales onto the ledge!
10:02Over the whales onto the ledge!
10:03And you go through!
10:04What you've got to do!
10:05What you've got to do!
10:06What's up?
10:07OK!
10:08Is a wider wipeout!
10:09OK!
10:10OK!
10:11OK!
10:12OK!
10:13OK!
10:14OK!
10:15OK!
10:16OK!
10:17OK!
10:18OK!
10:19OK!
10:20OK!
10:21OK!
10:22OK!
10:23OK!
10:24OK!
10:25OK!
10:26OK!
10:27OK!
10:28OK!
10:29OK!
10:30OK!
10:31OK!
10:32OK!
10:33OK!
10:34OK!
10:35OK!
10:36OK!
10:37Namesake couldn't quite make it back to dry land.
10:45He won't be making the return journey in part two.
10:48When we're hitting our eyebrows on the high rollers.
10:54Getting cold and wet in the rice bowl downhill.
10:58Knocking some stuffing out in dominoes and meeting in the middle.
11:03Bridge the gap. Parting is such sweet sorrow. But dry your eyes, we're back in three.
11:09Welcome back to part two, Heads of Keshi.
11:12And remember kids, there's many a slip, twixt cup and nip.
11:16But even more in the high rollers.
11:21Yeah mate, come on.
11:23In confidence.
11:25He ends up doing the road runner.
11:28In the drink.
11:29Back on the bus.
11:31In shame.
11:33Oh, took it there.
11:35Nearly snapped in half the lad.
11:38It's in the rules though, but the fish and the cat snap it off.
11:42Oh.
11:45He's got to recover from this position.
11:47It's fairly impossible.
11:49What do I know?
11:51He's doing the caterpillar.
11:52Trusted technique.
11:57Good lad.
11:59Good recovery.
12:00Oh no.
12:01Oh no.
12:02He goes down.
12:03Nice somersault at the game.
12:04He does.
12:05Alright.
12:06Come on, Porky.
12:08Plump return.
12:09And Bartley.
12:10He's comfortably round.
12:12He's doing the caterpillar.
12:13Oh.
12:14Maintain helicopter cover at 500 feet.
12:15We've got a casualty.
12:16Looked like it really hurts.
12:17What.
12:18What.
12:19What.
12:20What.
12:21What an experience.
12:22What a recovery.
12:23What a victory.
12:24Come on.
12:25Don't blow it now.
12:26Yes.
12:27Yes.
12:28She goes through.
12:29Doing well for the ladies.
12:30He looks like a happy chappy.
12:31What a victory.
12:32Come on.
12:33Don't blow it now.
12:34Yes.
12:35She goes through.
12:36Doing well for the ladies.
12:37He looks like a happy chappy.
12:39Not happy anymore.
12:40Oh well.
12:41There's all a good grace.
12:42Oh.
12:43Look at that.
12:44Bangs off the roller.
12:45Looks like it's clear quite a bit.
12:46But.
12:47Oh.
12:48Bit of speed.
12:49Not a bad technique.
12:50Can she recover?
12:51Oh.
12:52Oh.
12:53Oh.
12:54Oh.
12:55Oh.
12:56Oh.
12:57Oh.
12:58Oh.
12:59Oh.
13:00Oh.
13:01Oh.
13:02Oh.
13:03Oh.
13:04Oh.
13:05Oh.
13:06Oh.
13:07Oh.
13:08Oh.
13:09Oh.
13:10Momentum.
13:11I'm sure we'll take her down.
13:13She can't get her footing.
13:14It looks like she's gonna end up going through the mangle.
13:19Oh yes.
13:24Oh captain.
13:27My captain.
13:28Rise up and hear the bells.
13:30It's my ridiculous replay.
13:32Can't rise once he's fallen.
13:34And the only bells he can hear is the ringing in his ears.
13:38It's getting chilly out there. Now is the winter of our discontent, and it's not helped by throwing yourself into the freezing slurry at the bottom of the rice bowl downhill.
13:54They're dressed like dumplings, the Emerald Guard. Is this contestant going to be a noodle?
14:00Well, she gets pulled all over the tablecloth, and even the baby gets wet. She's out.
14:10Who doesn't think that's a real baby? There's a mark of madness about the contestants.
14:17You have to distribute your weight. If you end up in the drink, even at the bottom, you're out. You go out.
14:24Gotta stay in the bowl at all times. Be sure about those specs, mate.
14:30Look at the plumage of the Emerald Guards. Scrutting like proud peacocks. But our contestant is going down on his back.
14:43Like a sweet and sour brawl.
14:46At the game, lad. He just got his salad.
14:49The Japanese woman in my soup. Can she stay at all? Some ketumbo there. Some ketumbo. Doesn't quite know where she is. Check her head, see if it's on.
15:02Oh, he's out the bowl before he's made the soup. Bye-bye, baby.
15:17Oxygen. Well, you can't breathe underwater, love. Let's have it. Not sure about the ceremonial dance.
15:33Weight distribution seems good. Oh, now she's going up to one side. Can she pull it back? Yes, she can. Well done, lady.
15:42Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
15:44Time for my ridiculous replay. And this courageous maiden made a truly valiant effort to stay the course.
15:51But she won't make it into the next round. A ball. A ball. My kingdom for indestructible.
16:00There's a person in there. You wouldn't do it. You just wouldn't get me in.
16:07He needs to go the hairdressers in.
16:08You only get into this ball if you're completely bonkers.
16:16Emerald guard. Running in the boot. Helping him down.
16:21Through the course. Don't hit the skulls. Oh!
16:26So, if you end up in the box for skulls, you go out the game.
16:31No matter, you're going to be very, very dizzy.
16:35And probably very, very sick.
16:37At the end of this, another one goes out.
16:42After all that effort, we're off the dominoes.
16:49He's gone already.
16:50Oh, that's it. Good technique. Oh, he made it look easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
17:03He's lost most of his team already, so he didn't care.
17:07Comes down heavy on it backside.
17:10Didn't really get started, did she?
17:13Over there. Over there.
17:16Let's go.
17:17Oh, dear.
17:22Back on the bus.
17:25Here's the general.
17:28He looks like a general. He's a traffic warden.
17:31Here's the general.
17:35Look at that. The right boots.
17:38He could make it into a career.
17:44Oh, that's the style.
17:45Oh, yes.
17:47Oh, yes.
17:49Don't mess with me.
17:50I'm Bob Karen G.
17:56After that stunning performance, my ridiculous replay has to be the chunky chappy.
18:02He's squeezed himself into the only surplus uniform.
18:06How the mighty four.
18:07And I'm sure a fair few more will now, cause it's time for bridge the gap.
18:12Final nankan wa mawatte komanechi.
18:14Kono gyan.
18:16Oh, pathetic.
18:19Into the bath for White Bowden.
18:21Come on, cross the bridge.
18:22You've got to get this right.
18:23The momentum is taking you one way.
18:25The bridge is going the other.
18:27You end up in the baking soda.
18:30At least you can bake his other cake.
18:33Scratching his shim.
18:35Not sure he knows the rules.
18:37Oh, he completely mistimed it.
18:39Came down quite heavy.
18:41Oh.
18:42Oh my God.
18:43Oh my God.
18:45Oh my God.
18:46Oh my God.
18:47Oh my God.
18:50I'm sorry.
18:52Oh my God.
18:53Oh my God.
18:54completely mistimed it.
18:56Came down quite heavy.
19:00What a woolly mammoth.
19:02This shirt.
19:04Watch out.
19:12Oh yes, well done lad.
19:16Well done.
19:18Onto the ledge and you've made it.
19:20Who said woolly mammoth were extinct?
19:28Blood the kimono.
19:30Will be like the style.
19:32I'm not sure.
19:34You're not supposed to drink before the game.
19:36Keep off the saw key.
19:42He's jogging on the spot.
19:44Limbering up.
19:46And now limbering down.
19:48She's very happy.
19:50She's gonna try her very best.
19:52Can't you do it?
19:54Oh no.
19:56Come down heavy as well.
19:58Oh no.
20:00Come down heavy as well.
20:02Oh dear.
20:04Was he in the village?
20:06Oh no.
20:08Come down heavy as well.
20:10Oh dear.
20:12Is he in the village?
20:14Was he in the village people?
20:24Come on across the bridge.
20:26You gotta meet it.
20:27You gotta get there faster than that matey.
20:28Come on.
20:30No.
20:32Oh I'm back to YMCA.
20:34My ridiculous replay's gotta be this unlucky unfortunate.
20:40He did so well to get across.
20:42I've got nothing but a mouth full of used south.
20:46But his trouble.
20:48Let's take a quick look back in anger.
20:50The furious flashback.
20:52And see who else.
20:54He'll be sharing the happy bus with on the long road home.
20:58Of course some of these won't be going home for days.
21:02They'll be in traction.
21:04You just want me.
21:06And again into the soup.
21:08Oh yes.
21:10Well done Pat.
21:14We have a Grandmaster's Furious Five left for the final showdown.
21:19Water cannon to the left of them.
21:22Water cannon to the right of them.
21:24Into the car park of death rode the quaking quintet.
21:28They that had fought so well.
21:31Came through the jaws of death.
21:33Back from the mouth of hell.
21:35All that was left of them.
21:37Left of one hundred.
21:39Is to charge of the flashing light brigade.
21:41Come on.
21:45But only five.
21:47It's gonna be difficult.
21:49These are the elite troops.
21:53The closest guards to the count.
21:55Highly accurate.
21:57Highly trained.
21:59Highly slassy eye.
22:01The ring gets penetrated on the front of their dinky dodge gym it means.
22:11They're going home.
22:12They've come so far.
22:13Three, three, three.
22:14The number of the mini beast.
22:15That ring is gone.
22:16Come this far.
22:17You're a busted flush mate.
22:18That's it.
22:19No winners this time on Takeshi's castle.
22:23But if I should fall before I next return.
22:24Think only this of me.
22:25There is some corner of a foreign field that is forever.
22:29Absolutely bonkers.
22:30Absolutely bonkers.
22:31Absolutely bonkers.
22:32That's it.
22:33You're a busted flush mate.
22:34You're a busted flush mate.
22:35That's it.
22:36No winners this time on Takeshi's castle.
22:37But if I should fall before I next return.
22:40Think only this of me.
22:42There is some corner of a foreign field that is forever.
22:46Absolutely bonkers.
22:48That's the dunno.
22:49You have your cards.
22:50Then when you stay on top of a foreign field.
22:51I went downstairs.
22:52You need to tighten I dress.
22:53And I'm bigger Rocky.
22:54But if I need to address the front Iising.
22:55I can't 86 to 36 in my body.
22:57Come on, maybe.
22:58Not at an commandments room.
22:59I went down.
23:00I have to drive to get more fish pamphlete.
23:01You have to talk with the fish from here.
23:02The filter here is in the rainforest.
23:03Going south of the
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