- 3 months ago
We're hitting the streets for some serious Halloween candy intel! Join us as we explore the ultimate childhood trick-or-treat scores and the absolute dud candies you couldn't wait to offload. From chocolatey delights that made your night to chalky tablets and stale surprises, we're dissecting every wrapper and ranking the sweets that sparked joy versus those that sparked an immediate trade negotiation. Get ready to relive those trick-or-treating glory days and cringe at the candy you tried to pawn off on your friends!
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00:00Trick-or-treaters!
00:02What was that?
00:03Oh, the trick-or-treaters are here.
00:05Places, everyone!
00:06Welcome to This Mojo, and today we're conducting
00:09the hard-hitting Halloween journalism
00:11that the people need.
00:12We're counting down our picks for the all-time great
00:15childhood trick-or-treat snacks,
00:17as well as the flop candies you try to pawn off
00:20on your cousin who your mom invited to go trick-or-treating with you.
00:23Here, have a roll.
00:24Have all the rolls.
00:27George?
00:28Uh, yes?
00:29There's plenty of candy here in the kitchen.
00:31Number five worst, the pretzel bag.
00:34You know the one.
00:35It comes in a teensy plastic bag that's impossible to open,
00:39and all the pretzels are supposed to be shaped like bats or something.
00:42Are they bad?
00:43Not necessarily.
00:45But are they as good as candy?
00:46Of course they aren't.
00:48When she heard how you felt about these babies, well,
00:51she just broke right down and cried.
00:54Oh boy, pretzels.
00:55By the end of Halloween night, you've somehow accrued a pile of them,
01:03and now have to deliver the performance of a lifetime to trade them out of your sack.
01:07You'll keep, I don't know, one bag just to keep up appearances?
01:22Maybe it'll end up in your lunchbox in three weeks' time, and they'll serve as a distant yet fond memory of trick-or-treating past.
01:29But here's the cruelest trick of all.
01:31Even if you manage to pry them open, they're already stale.
01:35And that's a life lesson for you kids.
01:38Filling.
01:39Okay, alright, they're filling.
01:41No, no, I just lost one.
01:42Number five best, Twix.
01:44George Costanza said it best.
01:46It's the only candy with the cookie crunch.
01:49That's a little nougat.
01:51Nougat?
01:52Please.
01:53I think I've reached a point in my life where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie.
01:57So let's not just say things that we both know are obvious fabrications.
02:01A Twix bar on Halloween is like a visit from someone you call your aunt,
02:05but it's actually unclear whether or not you're related to her.
02:08It's fun when it happens, but it's not something you'll actively seek out on your own time.
02:12Twix doesn't come in just any Halloween candy variety bag,
02:16so when you fish it out of your upper-middle-class neighbor's cauldron of treats,
02:20you can't help but feel electrified by that gold little wrapper.
02:24Cause I've got a golden ticket.
02:27I've got a golden ticket.
02:29I've got a golden chance to make my way.
02:32There's no way you're trading that beauty out of your jack-o'-lantern bucket.
02:36Whether it's right Twix or left Twix, they both have room in our hearts.
02:40They've got about as much in common as you a mortician and me an undertaker.
02:44Or you a janitor and me a custodian.
02:47Or you a ghost and me a spirit.
02:50Number four worst, Smarties.
02:52Smarties are the perfect snack to crunch on if you love chalk.
02:56Or if you want to roleplay indigestion.
02:58Charlie, don't eat chalk.
02:59Well, it settles my stomach. My stomach's a little...
03:01If your stomach hurts, eat a Tums.
03:03What's the difference?
03:04Seriously, if we put a Smartie in one hand and a Tom in another, Morpheus style,
03:08we bet you would be hard pressed to tell the difference.
03:11Listen, we know there are folks out there who liked to throw down a roll of Smarties as a kid.
03:17And we're not judging.
03:18But in the Halloween candy lineup, Smarties simply aren't in the A-list.
03:23You're not on the list, you're not on the list.
03:25Well, isn't there some other list?
03:26Not tonight, there's not.
03:27Well, maybe they messed up and put us on tomorrow's list.
03:29I mean, that could happen, that's possible, right?
03:31Like their brethren Blow Pops and Tootsie Rolls, they may have their fans.
03:35But ultimately, they make better use as candy trading currency.
03:39We'll make you an offer you can't refuse.
03:41Three rolls of Smarties for one Snickers.
03:43You in or you out?
03:45So we've got Nutty Bars, Bazooka, Pez, Smarties, Pringles, Nilla Wafers, Apple, Banana and Trail Mix.
03:54Seriously?
03:55Number four best, Sour Patch Kids.
03:57We would be remiss if we didn't give a nod to one of the candy greats of all time, the kids.
04:03First, they're sour.
04:06Then they're sweet.
04:08Thanks, guys!
04:09Sour Patch Kids are sour.
04:11It's in the name.
04:12But they're just sour enough.
04:14You can eat enough of them in one sitting to get a stomachache, but not a headache.
04:18And when you think about it, isn't that what Halloween is all about?
04:22Pain and glory?
04:23Alright, maybe it's just us.
04:25I'm sorry I'm bugging you.
04:26I guess I'm alone in my principles.
04:29Clearly chocolates are always the first to mind when in deep conversation regarding the Halloween Goats.
04:36But we're here to stand for our sour and gummy snack soldiers.
04:40Rise for the Laffy Taffy.
04:42Rise for the Starbursts.
04:43Rise for the Skittles, regular and sour.
04:46Did you rise yet?
04:47You're supposed to rise.
04:48Who's captain?
04:49My captain?
04:50Mr. Overstreet, I warned you!
04:51Sit down!
04:52Sit down!
04:53Sit down!
04:54All of you!
04:55Number 3 Worst.
04:56Fun-Sized Raisins.
04:57Just because something is fun-sized does not make it fun.
04:58And that's the first law we would enact as World Candy Ambassador.
05:01Anyone who would even consider tossing a box of raisins into a child's Halloween candy
05:16sack should be put on trial.
05:18Yes, that's the second law.
05:33The worst part about getting raisins on Halloween?
05:35Aside from, you know, the raisins, is that they are simply untradeable.
05:39You can't even put-pocket these suckers into some other kid's cauldron without causing
05:44a scene.
05:49You have no choice but to give them to Grandpa.
05:52And though it's difficult to see what could have been your own beautiful candy experience
05:56squandered by an old man eating raisins, you think to yourself, maybe there is beauty
06:01in the memories of the candies we didn't eat.
06:04But yeah, if you give out raisins on Halloween?
06:06Jail.
06:07This kind of behavior is never tolerated in Boracqua.
06:10You shout like that, they put you in jail.
06:12Right away.
06:13No trial, no nothing.
06:15Number three best.
06:16Kit Kat.
06:17Where's my Kit Kat?
06:18I put it right here on this table.
06:20I don't know, but we have plenty of chocolate here.
06:22No, no, no, you don't understand.
06:23I need that Kit Kat.
06:24The Kit Kat is the working kid's chocolate.
06:27After a long day of third grade spending seven hours trying to wrap your developing mind
06:32around the process of the water cycle or trying to long divide 82 by 5, you need to take a break.
06:38Give me a break.
06:39Give me a break.
06:40Take me off a piece of that Kit Kat box.
06:44When you reach into your Halloween bucket and pull out that classic red wrapper, you can breathe a sigh of relief.
06:50You can finally rest.
06:52Because really, is there anything more satisfying than snapping a fresh Kit Kat in half?
06:57Maybe successfully explaining how condensation becomes precipitation in front of a crowd of your third grade peers.
07:03But other than that, not much.
07:05I need princess hair.
07:07Oh, sure.
07:08Mom's on a break with a crispy creamy Kit Kat bar.
07:12Can you do it?
07:13Uh, maybe?
07:15Thanks, Freak Squad.
07:17Number two worst.
07:18Dots.
07:19Scribing a dot can be difficult.
07:21I'm really gooey and nice stick in your teeth.
07:26We apologize in advance to the gummy candy community, but Dots, we do not claim you.
07:32Not to sound like your dentist or anything, but if you're going to get anything sugary stuck in your teeth for the next three centuries, shouldn't it be worth it?
07:40Wait, stay with us.
07:41What if Dots are a psyop orchestrated by Big Dental to rake in some extra holiday cash?
07:47Have you even considered that?
07:48Dude, I'm having a panic attack.
07:49I'm actually having a panic attack.
07:50Oh, will you settle down and have another cup of coffee?
07:53I am, bro.
07:54Alright, well, fine.
07:55You know what, Barney?
07:56Give this guy a cigarette.
07:57He's freaking out.
07:58Think about it next time you bite down on one of those pencil eraser-looking disasters.
08:01Think about your inevitable cavity filling and your dentist having a big laugh about it.
08:06I am your dentist and I enjoy the career that I've picked.
08:13I am your dentist and I get off on the pain I inflicted.
08:19Yeah, move over, goblins and ghouls. Dots are the real Halloween horror fest.
08:24Number 2 best, Milky Way.
08:27Aren't you all the like old to be trick or treating?
08:30It is a growth spurt.
08:35Fair enough.
08:36Nougat and caramel are much like church and state in that you can try to separate them,
08:40but then you've invented the Three Musketeers bar.
08:43That makes sense if you don't think about it too much.
08:52The Milky Way's creamy gooey center will hardly find itself any haters.
08:56Except maybe your friend who's just jealous that they couldn't get as good of a caramel pull as you.
09:01But that's an acquired skill.
09:03Everybody knows that, Jessica.
09:05A bag load of Milky Way's on Halloween truly has no downside.
09:08Aside from potentially destroying a friendship that has since spanned upwards of seven lunch periods.
09:14Don't call me.
09:16Don't come by my house.
09:18We're done.
09:20Number 1 worst, Milk Duds.
09:22Come on, it's in the name.
09:24They're duds.
09:25Milk Duds?
09:26They're delicious, I love them.
09:28The trouble is they take out my dentures.
09:30Now listen, we don't want to sound like hypocrites here.
09:33We love chocolate.
09:35We love caramel.
09:36We hope that we've made that abundantly clear.
09:39But Milk Duds missed the mark big time.
09:41Especially stacked up against the heavy hitter candies.
09:44It's almost as if the candy distribution company was like,
09:47Hey, maybe we can offload the rest of these Milk Duds if we toss them into the Halloween variety packs with the candies people actually want.
09:55That was a force!
09:57My man!
09:58Look at you!
09:59You did it!
10:00How about that?
10:01And they thought we'd never catch on.
10:02Well think again, Candyman!
10:04You better believe we're foisting these off to the nearest dud we can get our hands on.
10:09How about some Milk Duds?
10:10I'm fine, really.
10:11Okay, so I was chicken.
10:16I needed time.
10:18Time to think.
10:20Time to plan.
10:21Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions.
10:25Best.
10:26Gummy body parts.
10:27Don't lay a finger on my decapitated finger candy.
10:31Buttered fingers.
10:32Grandma candies.
10:34The only thing louder than opening a Werther's original is our shrieks of disgust.
10:42Really indulge the crinkle as you undress your Swedish fish.
10:49The Lamborghini of the gummies!
10:51Or perhaps you brought yourself a Werther's original.
10:56The Amber Alert of caramel.
10:58Best.
10:59M&Ms.
11:00Yummy.
11:01What else is there to say?
11:02Treat!
11:03Treat!
11:04Treat!
11:05Treat!
11:06They're talking about us!
11:07No, no, no, no.
11:08No, you don't.
11:09Anything non-candy.
11:10If you give us a pencil, we'll give you a piece of our mind.
11:13I got five pieces of candy.
11:14I got a chocolate bar.
11:16I got a quarter.
11:17I got a rock.
11:19Anything full-sized.
11:22Get dropped off in the rich neighborhood next Halloween and revel in the spoils of victory.
11:28Trick or treat!
11:29Trick or treat!
11:33Jackpot!
11:36Whoa!
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11:53Number 1.
11:54Best.
11:55Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
11:57Specifically the ones that are shaped like pumpkins.
12:00They're special.
12:01You better cut it out right now or I'll pound you.
12:05There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people.
12:09Religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin.
12:12Candy Court has been called to order and we're not hearing any more witnesses.
12:16This is the ultimate Halloween candy.
12:22People, it's Reese's season!
12:24Boo!
12:25It's Halloween night.
12:26All your friends have gone home and now it's just you ensconced in your spoils like a dragon atop a pile of gold.
12:32But before you fall into your candy induced slumber, there's only one treasure you seek.
12:38One more treat for the road, a Hail Mary candy if you will.
12:42Without question, it's the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.
12:45It's always been the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.
12:47There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.
12:50Now for the question on everyone's minds.
12:53Candy corn.
12:54Are you keeping it or trading it?
12:56Let us know in the comments.
12:57Let us know in the comments.
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